The INFJ Stare

[@tahneeleonard]

For me, i definitely stare into peoples eyes while THEY’RE talking, but i find when i’m talking myself, i often look away and off to the side to gather my thoughts and don’t make much eye contact at all. as an aside, i for sure stare at people i’m not interacting with, like people watching, and constantly ask myself if it’s too much or weird. especially if they look like an interesting person!

[@therealjohndoe3862]

Same here. I often look away when responding during conversation, which I do more if I am extracting info related to the discussion that I likely want to drive home or really make a point. Otherwise, I do look at people pretty intently when in conversation. I do anyway, but being a therapist for many years has made this very important. I have had times where I was talking, but focused on a spot to the side, and I have seen people shift their focus to a similar point, as though they are thinking, "What are you looking at?"

[@darkknight3251]

I'm exactly the same. Thank you for sharing

[@joyousjayy6366]

@@therealjohndoe3862 alright so im kind of confused with my mbti, im either infj (i relate to this more) but recently i took it over after some couple month and im isfp. so could you guys tell me which one am i? im afraid of people sometimes when im on the streets, i think persons are judging me i like to learn different language (but my determination skills are lacking) i mostly listen to people when they are talking. i dont make friends easily. i dont pot anything on social media, only use it to look on what other persons are doing. i dont like groups assignments. i love to sleep i love to be by myself, most of the time even though i may be introverted, if you get to know me, i extroverted im weird, (doing random stuffs) i always hurt myself like trip. i love to watch youtube i like when my opinions are heard but cant say it out loud to persons i dont know. sometimes i get disappointed in myself. i love to help others i cant say no to people, but when im helping them and they dont cooperate i tend to not have patience but will hide it. i also dont know how to open up to someone, but if someone is to open up to me, i will be willing to help them. i tend to hide my feeling to myself. i often cry in a sad show and when i dont want to cry and laugh along with it. when im doing a test, i have anxiety bcz i want to convince myself that i want to do well. because im doing very good at school and people tend to have high hopes for me. so im very exhausted to try to keep that.

[@jose91807]

I do this when I was younger I used to do it more nowadays I only do it when I know the people who I am looking at won't realize that I'm staring because with time I realize people find it weird and uncomfortable after having some bad experiences in the past because of it

[@sabrinalopez7821]

I completely agree. Similar to the video I don't like others reading me so I look away, but I feel the need to give them full attention to keep the focus from the tunnel of all the information and things around.

[@harishaneef26]

The INFJ stare is us analyzing people on a deeper level and others seem to pick it up instantly which is why they feel uncomfortable.

[@AugustAdvice]

I'm an INFJ and I stare at people without realizing it sometimes because I am taking in their entire being, their energy, everything around me. I was at a bar once and one of my friend's friends said I stared at him and it was "super weird". He said it in a rude way so F that guy, but I think we stare because we are unpacking layers of someone, sometimes without even realizing we're doing it.

[@tw_zero_art7299]

Yes that's true I am an INFJ too

[@DeeDeex007o]

Piercing deep down into their soul!🤣🤣🤣 #SORRYnotSORRY 😝😏

[@Valentinfj]

Showing dominance through silence suits the INFJ, as opposed to ENTJ.

[@bluntweirdo]

mmmm yes.

[@rideordietheyretring2tranx382]

i try silence before a door slam if possible

[@nateo200]

@@rideordietheyretring2tranx382 When you show emotional control and the ability to read people you will command respect every single time you speak. NF's have a different kind of dominance than other types and the INFJ is very much a dark horse personality. I always surprise people.

[@dahliadoll1110]

I don't think "ENTJ" and "silence" belong in the same sentence 😂

[@kimslone5185]

I think people aren't used to us giving them our full attention, which comes through in eye contact. It's different with us because we're actually paying attention.

[@hejmRage]

That's what I'm thinking. People aren't used to someone REALLY paying attention that's why they're thrown off balance by this.

[@louisejoel]

@@hejmRage Especially now days because people are too busy with their phones

[@MoPoppins]

BINGO. Most people are transactional, as most tend to be narcissistic. They don’t have the mental or emotional bandwidth to sincerely care about how a person is doing, or what they truly think about a topic.

[@jkd2608]

I totally relate to you're gf! As a female infj, intense staring, especially at males, can be seen as a sign of romantic interest when that may not be the case, so I'm quite aware of how much eye contact to give. Also regarding childhood, I was very outgoing & gregarious (Fe to the max!!) but many negative social experiences & trauma basically silenced me. It's taken a long time to reduce the amount of self-filtering that I do in order to have close relationships, especially ones with high Fi users.

[@theblackhole05]

High fi users?

[@jkd2608]

@@theblackhole05high Fi users are people that have introvert Feeling as a dominant or 2nd function. Think ENFPs, INFPs, ESFPs, ISFPs

[@destinychild4659]

Men women relationships staring is almost always sign of romantic interest.

[@doge2415]

@@jkd2608 Why especially with those types? Is it because they're more aware of whether you're guarded (and in turn - more vary of you) than Thinker types?

[@kellyvessa4059]

I can relate, I am female Infj and some people find it romantic way.. when it comes to men, I don’t make eye contact very often after I understand it..t

[@ddziegler44]

I appreciate eye contact during conversation. When someone does not make eye contact, I wonder about their sincerity or depth or even honesty..

[@Proxima_Centauri22]

Remember that there are people out there with Aspergers, autism, social anxiety, who it’s hard for them to keep eye contact. You never know what someone has or has been through. Also, some people look around in their minds more when speaking, (like looking up, down, side to side,) it doesn’t mean they are dishonest or lacking sincerity.

[@Solutions3000]

What're your thoughts about various cultures, who think it's rude to look someone in the eyes, particularly authority figures?

[@ddziegler44]

@@Solutions3000 That may be a carry over from a form of slavery and they are still programmed to feel submissive. As equals, I think eye contact is natural. Why wouldn’t it be?

[@bigbufobufo]

@@Solutions3000 this is still true today in some Asian cultures.

[@danisa3125]

I am an Infj. I grew up with a very sensitive personality and I was born into an extremely insensitive family/environment. I internalized a lot and I was mostly quiet and observant of people. I do Psychoanalyse people. I think the infj stare isn’t only deduced to listening to a persons words. I think we pick up on social cues, we see people’s insecurities. For example when someone is insecure about their smile and they find ways to hide that when they’re talking, we pick up on that. We don’t always know how to register it but others definitely feel this on an unconscious level and we do too. Ultimately I think we read people because we’re trying to figure out if people like us or not.

[@debdanielle]

100% relate

[@theblackhole05]

Felt

[@Lisa-NewEngland]

Exactly! Sensitive surrounded by insensitivity.

[@nicolcacola]

Yes exactly! The eyes and face tell so much about what a person is actually feeling and whether or not they are telling the truth vs what words are being said.

[@好吧-h6k]

Whenever there’s someone who you actually like talking to, you usually become infj-a over a long period of time

[@wiz3404]

I have noticed that when I'm in a conversation, I don't really retain much of the details of what we talked about but instead the vibe/feeling of the conversation. I think I'm too occupied trying to figure out the other person and therefore ending up staring intently which could be a result of the inferior Se

[@paxshanti108]

As for the trauma component, I suspect that true INFJs are *born* with higher sensitivity. So that when there is trauma in the environment - or even simply a lack of proper attachment - we perceive that more deeply than others. And internalize it as something wrong with us. As children will always do, being purely egoic creatures. My life has been rife with trauma from the start. Which rendered me a very unhealthy and highly codependent INFJ. I’ve only been recovering from this over the past 3 to 5 years or so. Even my marriage of 21 years was so unhealthy that, as I came to know myself better, and heal myself, my husband took his own life just before Christmas. That is how deep our trauma bond was.

[@cindyc]

🤗🕊I'm sorry for your loss

[@isabelle1976]

Take care of yourself Erin

[@kathleenrivard2881]

I am sorry you have experienced so much pain. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@paxshanti108]

Thank you for the kind words. I’m mostly angry that he abandoned our children. I was leaving him, after years of pointing out the dysfunction between us, and working on getting myself healthy. (Since that’s ultimately all we can do/control.) Down to his final written words, he tried to make me responsible for his decision.

[@cindyc]

@@paxshanti108 I'm sorry that he chose to end things in an emotionally abusive manner. Sending hugs and light. Wish you strength, wisdom, peace, and hope.

[@jessicathompson-gautreaux5992]

There's trauma.... and then there's TRAUMA. Big difference, actually. Trauma (TRAUMA) actually changed my "reactions", my habits, my physical health, my coping mechanisms, my trust. I think it's honed me into the true me. I am at the point where I'm finally, reluctantly, a bit thankful for it because (being logical and honest with myself) I know that there was no other way to reach this point. Sigh.

[@amouraearising2148]

we are with you!

[@Rawyalty220]

Relatable

[@Candyliz2003]

I grew up with a narcissistic, mean mother and a violent, alcoholic father. As the oldest of 5 children I had a lot of responsibilities and a lot of blame that should never have been placed on such a young child. My earliest memories are of paying very close attention to my mother's demeanor and my father's physical state - how drunk is he? I also started seeing the pity people felt when they saw me and/or my family and I was ashamed. I became so good at reading people and situations that it became painful for me and I shut that part of me down! This was really bad for me because I still had very strong reactions to other's hurts, injustice, and a strong desire to help but I wasn't recognizing the narcissists and avoiding them - I was attracting them! After several years of self-help, self-evaluation and therapy I've reconnected with that part of me and it's amazing! It's also brought back childhood memories that were buried -- lots of trauma. So... Nature vs Nurture? Yes - all of the above! But I vividly recall quietly watching my parents to determine who and what I was going to be dealing with. My mother once said that I was the child who would watch others and then decide whether I would join them.

[@presentlybikepacking2535]

It’s interesting to think of the INFJ stare between genders. I purposefully don’t make eye contact for very long with men, bc I don’t want them to assume anything. I have never had someone tell me I stare at them, but I do when they are talking in general to a group, bc I am reading body language and starting a storyline in my head for that person. However, when I’m one-on-one counseling someone, I definitely intensely listen and watch them (men or women) and have been told many times I’m a good listener. I know being very intensely focused is an INFJ thing, and i finally have embraced it, instead of wondering how to “fix” it. I’m not broken, it’s just what I do.

[@josh_berry]

As a bisexual boy who gets rejected by literally any male aquaintance for his peaceful and direct/honest behaviour (which includes eye contact in any conversation), I feel what you wrote. I don't think anyone should make those 'assumptions' for any potential interest in them only because I am an attentive and caring person and that's why I strongly agree with you. We should never change for the sake of fitting into the grid.

[@Cre-qi2xy]

Regarding trauma, it definitely does change an INFJ's character. As an ENFP I've noticed INFJ's it's important to give them time and space to work through trauma they've gone through, and build a level of trust with them by knowing their values first. They do need encouragement at times to allow them to open up or you may have to become vulnerable before them, resulting in emotions. However, try not to be emotional, instead be emotionally mature with them, to then allow the INFJ to bring down barriers that are around their values. Again it takes time, so you'll need to be patient, then eventually they'll open up and be vulnerable about hurt, pain, trauma they've gone through because they trust you.

[@anneh851]

I'm INTJ; we get hammered constantly for supposedly having a "death stare" and "Resting B**** Face". Well, on some photos which I did not know I would be in, I saw it myself, was quite embarrassed, and have made a monumental effort to plaster a smile on whenever people are around. I read in a job manual that eye contact should be about 40% of the time while listening....in the corporate world. You two make great eye contact with the camera and each other, nothing at all to be offended by. My personal belief is that introverted intuitives look at speakers without showing much reaction, which makes them seem like they are paying attention more strongly than others, and the people who take offense at this are hiding something and realize in some way that they can't "hide" from our powers of observation. Always, while looking at the speaker, I am paying close attention to tone-of-voice---it reveals so much! Usually it's the bluffers that take offense at intense eye contact because they KNOW they will be found out. Or they are jealous because they believe they cannot do this themselves (possibly). It's fun when I'm listening to a liar to just stare at them in incredulous disbelief.....they start jibberjabbering in word salad, get flummoxed, and walk away! :)

[@paxshanti108]

What I enjoy about the INFJ “stare” is its micro application. When I interact with someone in passing - walking down the street, a cashier in a store, etc. - I feel like my facility in making eye contact almost always creates a pleasant interaction. Where there otherwise might have been no connection at all. Especially at this weird time, when the person’s eyes are just about all we can see of their face!

[@kilppari78]

I agree. I notice that many of store personnel greet me even when they seem to ignore other people who pass them by. I acknowledge I do give eye contact slightly longer than most people would find comfortable. At times I do that purely out of curiousity of the other person's reaction. 😉 INFP

[@gingerhansen1902]

I have ended up making many friends this way! I do miss seeing smiles. Good thing smiles can beam right through anyway. It might be important now more than ever.

[@cindyc]

@@kilppari78 lol🤗 imagine you tend to be curious

[@paxshanti108]

@@gingerhansen1902 Early in this whole mess, I made myself a mask and hand embroidered a smile on it! I did it because I was so sad not seeing smiles any more. It’s gotten such positive reactions!! 😊

[@gingerhansen1902]

@@paxshanti108 That's a wonderful idea!! 😃💕

[@DJoeWood31]

I believe that I have survived the intense trauma of my life BECAUSE I am an INFJ and as they say the eyes are the window to the soul.

[@greeneyedparadox6609]

Yeah. I get frustrated when people do other things while i am speaking with them. I try not to do other things and focus all my energy on them.

[@amouraearising2148]

that's my sign to exit stage left.

[@apea9117]

Omg sameee

[@Bayoubebe]

Same, and it’s so common

[@roughlyspeaking7652]

Dude. Your content is helping me more than I can say. I know you probably hear this a lot, but it's true. I'm accepting myself in the most genuine way I've ever been able to. And yes, I also look people in the eyes the whole time I'm talking to them. 😂 I think some people are uncomfortable because they know we can see their true nature.

[@tessabrowning]

Brown eyes! I find myself a bit more uncomfortable when someone with brown eyes is making direct eye contact with me. I think it has to do with the ability to read pupil dilation. It sometimes takes more effort to read the pupils in brown eyes. Perhaps stronger brows could contribute to intimidation as well. I have light blue eyes and I actually feel vulnerable since it’s easier to read the dilation of my eyes. Brown eyes are darker therefore more mysterious, IMO. I’ve always wanted to get a pair of brown contacts and see if I can tell a difference in my interactions with others 😆 You both have beautiful brown eyes! 🤎🤎

[@louisejoel]

If that isn't an endorsement to wear tinted or dark glasses fullime I don't know what is. INFJ Grant INTP

[@NadaAlawadhi]

People don’t tell me about it, but when I talk to them especially strangers, they look very uncomfortable, I can sense it and I feel like it’s my eyes because they begin to avoid them and when they look at me they get startled and stumble that they have to look somewhere else to continue their sentence. I don’t try to change that at all, I will keep looking at them in the eyes because it would be rude not to 😂

[@sarahstone7819]

same here lol

[@maymayrays]

I so relate to your girlfriend. I, too, was a very outgoing child, and have become very subdued and more “INFJy” as an adult. But any trauma I’ve ever experienced was from earlier childhood. I feel that my outgoingness was the product of seeking attention and acceptance from otherwise rather neglectful parenting. Now, much later in life, I find that being more introverted and guarded might be a defense mechanism against being let down by more people in life. I also don’t stare at people - quite the opposite, I feel like I tend to avert my gaze in a somewhat awkward way, especially if I’m trying to mask my internal dialogue while a person is speaking. Which is always 😬🤣

[@lancelotdufrane]

The Stare. My kids asked me to stop scarring their friends, by getting so intense during conversations. So, yes I do that. Check. Trauma. Before the “trauma” I would work hard at trying to be like others I’d see, to blend in. After, “Trauma”.., recovery clarified my need to be absolutely authentic. No more, filtering my experience in the world. So, seems that “trauma” concentrated, my traits, in some way. For me, life is so much easier, when you understand yourself and what motivates you. Even though some find me, intense, or, too, deep/heavy.... I enjoy myself. That’s what matters, for Me. Thanks Clay.

[@getusome08]

I am INFJ and have been through Trauma. I believe it enhanced my intuition and self awareness. Basically it just magnified my personality that was always there.

[@dimdamduweeh]

That's why I try to send emoji's in text (maybe even to much at times xd) to make sure my tone is coming over the correct way.

[@Cre-qi2xy]

As an ENFP, I've experienced the stare from an INFJ male, who I'm good friends with and also with my sister who's an INFJ. I found the stare really intriguing, weird, yet comfortable, like I could share about my whole life with them. I like being around INFJ's they help me to change in so many ways. To be friends or to relate to them, you really have to know yourself first. Also be someone who listens, is teachable, patient and can handle their intuition.

[@tiwiogunye]

The way I screamed because of how cute they look together 😭😭❤

[@AdorkableHarleyFairy]

People find eye contact to be intimidating most times, I've found, but there's no other way for me to stay focused while they speak. Plus, it helps to see their face light up when they're talking about something that excites them or that they're truly interested in.

[@gingerhansen1902]

I enjoy looking at people. I find pretty much everything beautiful and interesting in some way. I have been told that it is strange, intense, etc...yet, people, strangers, spill their beans to me alllll the time without me even asking! 😂 Also, men often mistake it for flirtation.

[@abetteryou4228]

Hahahahaha, me too i enjoy to see other people lives but very secretly lmao

[@YamaBeth]

Through the years I have had to be careful about how I interact with men because they think I’m flirting with them and then very uncomfortable situations arise.

[@susanakapri9351]

Omg my entire life described. My hubby always tells me to stop staring at people, cuz it's strange. And also people always tell me things without me asking. 😅

[@rachelstone7072]

Look Clay...be yourself. People who can take it will have the luxury of your time...people who cant they can step off..or giggle a little. Trauma is life changing for everyone...God bless for healing (many humans experience trauma ...)

[@pg9763]

Hello, I'm an INFJ. I used to be very social and outgoing. However, when I was 3, I was kidnapped, and after that, I noticed a complete shift in my personality, and now I struggle to trust others, and I am antisocial (by choice). Usually, I wouldn't talk about this, but I trust this community more than my real one.

[@t.c9537]

I'm so sorry for what you've been thru ❤ One quote that always helps me feel stronger and never give up on myself is this one: "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become" ― Carl Gustav Jung Maybe it can help you too ❤

[@navgo621]

Thanks for sharing it 🌻 I don't have any psychological studies, but I believe a situation like that has a deep impact, especially when it hasn't been treated properly and appears as an "unsolved trauma". The things is, are you confortable being the way you are? You wrote "antisocial by choice", so if you are happy with that, no problem then; although, if you are not ok with you being this way, it's probably a good moment to make changes and handle trauma as a growth opportunity.

[@pg9763]

@@t.c9537 Thank you, I will think of that when I am going through a hard time!

[@pg9763]

@@navgo621 I think I need to confront my trauma because I've suppressed it for so long, and now I have issues trusting others, and I don't want to live my life like that anymore. It's not healthy. Thank you for reaching out; I really appreciate it.

[@y33tboy97]

That last sentence... 💀 I hope you work through your trauma and see the better version of yourself on the other side. 😉

[@stroudkelly6868]

They have done MRI'S on new borns and can tell you weather they are introverted or extroverted. I was traumatized at 19 and I can tell you that I am still basically the same person in my core and I am in my 60s .

[@joeherbert4360]

When i was a kid with no knowledge about the world, sickness,death,not questioning religion, i was a happier person.I think the future was always an optimistic mystery,i will get married one day,i will have kids and a loving wife,a house,a dog. As you gain knowledge you begin to worry about more things,you get tangled in the social game of class,how people percieve you,you get to interact with more people who has their own trauma issues.But yes,growing up stuttering might have turned me into an Infj. But all stutterers are not infj,s.I am amazed how acurate you describe the infj personality,every single thing resonates with me in every single video you have done. I dont know how that can be a coincidence. I was also raised in a christian house with my mom being a believer,almost making me scared of everything in life. Making me be the lesser as the bible said. But then again,you can have 4 kids growing up in the same household with different personalities.

[@Nwitnyipit]

Omg Clay, I've recently subscribed to you after watching 1 of your vids (INFJ here), then i noticed your long hair in this one couldn't help not to tell you that it suits you very well

[@sarahofer4368]

We all experience trauma, particularly in our early childhood, imaginary or actual, and we all hold on to these traumas as our own personal narrative. Perhaps we INFJ's are more sensitive of trauma and it's effects but I suspect every personality type suffers from trauma, some more, some less.

[@gingerhansen1902]

Yes, there are degrees of trauma. Not everyone experiences trauma to the degree that their life depends on reading peoples non verbal communication.

[@shelbysongy2666]

@@gingerhansen1902 wxactly. I lived in an extremely abusive household until i turned 18 but was still emotionally abused by my psychopath mother. (Not joking she’s one for real) and i was so scared that even at 46 im still scared and overread people for protection

[@destinychild4659]

We all have issues. But there are huge differences. Some people have real trauma that affects their life greatly and some have just little stuff that has not that much impact on them.

[@Bayoubebe]

It seems that a lot of INFJ’s, myself included…are also HSP (highly sensitive). Things seem to bother us more that others

[@TamilNava]

I wish I saw your videos 20 years ago my life would been different.... Great videos hat's off bro...Thank you so much for the very informative videos...God bless 👍👍👍

[@sonyagirodon9510]

So funny! I think that INFJ's are the most normal people around, and I always wonder what's wrong with the others looking at us as though we were strange. And YES we stare you in the eyes when we have a conversation with you, because we want to see your SOUL! What's the use of the conversation otherwise?

[@KillaniTruth]

Yes we do stare and most of the time we don’t know we are doing it. It’s like I’m processing and analyzing my environment intensely. I just am curious about people’s psychology, mannerisms and style.

[@ayabaheera]

People who are uncomfortable with eye contact, generally are uncomfortable because they don't normally make full eye contact with people when they are talking. Children are taught to look at people when they are talking (at least here in America. I can't speak for other countries). But not making eye contact has been normalized, especially with the little computers we call phones in our hands all the time, but a lot of people aren't consciously aware of it until it's pointed out in some way.

[@steveleeart]

It came up today, like with the poor girl murdered in UK, there’s been like so many amazing discussions but then some guys made the mistake of misreading things and they said BUT NOT ALL MEN... which is such a misread of the situation that it’s like saying ALL LIVES MATTER. Both miss the mark. Anyway one guy authentically asked about things men can do, to help not make women feel uncomfortable. Some responses were like don’t walk behind a woman or don’t make eye contact especially in enclosed spaces like elevators. It’s heartbreaking. Cause it feels like it’s just making society even more closed off. But I certainly understand where women come from. I wish society could change much more.

[@ayabaheera]

@@steveleeart Facepalm at "not all men".... Like you said, the kind of approach suggested will only make people more isolated and closed off, and it will actually allow for more opportunities for those incidents to occur. Predators want to get women isolated, it makes it easier for them. What men- and people in general- need to do is to be observant. If they see a man following and harassing someone, help them. Women are told to stay in public/ crowded areas with the hope it will deter predators and if there is someone harming us, there's a chance for someone to help. However, if men- or people in general become afraid and stay in their bubble, then what will happen if we need help? I've seen it. People in Korea are not able to assist in "domestic struggles" or else they could face backlash from the law for interfering. I've seen women get hit and harassed on the streets in public, but no one stepped in. Most times, people just walked by ignoring the situation. However, one time, people gathered and watched, which actually may have benefitted the woman, but again, no one could step in. Society definitely is changing. For better or for worse? We'll have to see. Men and women have a huge communication gap, and the modern dating culture does not help at all. That's where we both struggle. Yes, never walk behind a woman. That's the quickest way to get her to run, if you make eye contact in an elevator, it's okay. Smile and say a simple hello, just maintain distance. Being a woman, yes I have to be hypervigilant when engaging with or being around men, but that's because I can not tell what their intentions are all the time. We need others- especially the good and honest men- to know this not to push you away and make you afraid, but to make you aware so you can help us and to bridge the communication gap. And maybe knowing these things, you can help the women in you life. We can't go through life looking down and afraid of simply noticing and paying attention to others. What we need to do is be more observant, be more considerate of others and use discernment on if and how to approach a situation. In the end, people need people to survive in this world. Sorry for the mini essay. I've spoken to quite a few men about these topics, and I feel for you guys. It must be super confusing and frustrating trying to navigate through all of this.

[@gavinr5576]

I think that one of the reasons that some people are uncomfortable with this sort of eye contact is because on some level people can sense that we are fully absorbing them and what they are saying and for someone who is perhaps a little insecure or anxious that could feel a little too intimate or intrusive, people who don't actually really love themselves in a healthy way feel uncomfortable if they sense that you really see them and not the facade they are trying to present. I find myself that I sometimes avoid overly intense eye contact because I begin to get overwhelmed with strong emotion (I suspect I may be an empath of sorts) and even if it's positive emotions it can be challenging to maintain a balanced state. It's something I intend to work on and get better at. I really enjoy your videos Clay, thank you and be well my friend.

[@Shawn-fn6gl]

That’s exactly how it is for me.

[@roughlyspeaking7652]

You said it so perfectly.

[@thebreathofsysuphus3959]

Clay, just want to let you know how much I appreciate your all of your effort creating these videos and podcasts. I’m also compelled to communicate how much I admire your partner’s courage to reveal herself the way she does in this video and her resilience to cope with or overcome past experiences. You’re both very brave individuals and switched on to the needs of others - an excellent quality to have, and an even better one to display. You guys already realise the value you’re creating making these videos, I’m sure, but it’s also important that you’re reminded of that value. Thank you. Both of you. The more authentic and open you guys are, the more interesting you become. I’d seriously consider doing more videos together and waxing lyrical about almost any topic of interest to you, beyond personality and psychological topics. You two would still be interesting talking about the weather - especially Okanagan weather (I used to live there myself). All the best.

[@Linalak]

I find that we also do more than just listen. We read body language, listen to their tone. People instinctively feel and know that we read much more then they are willing to give and that feels intrusive and scary, especially for people who are trying to hide something. We read the meanings and emotions behind the words. For a long period I stopped looking people in the eye all together, I became so conscious of their discomfort. I am now trying to embrace myself and become comfortable at looking at people again. When it comes to trauma then I grew up in traumatic environment which developed the hypervigilance and need for social harmony to feel safe.

[@user-2012July-A]

When I worked at Walmart there were many times that my coworkers would tease me a bit about how I interacted with customers. In particular male customers within my 'dating range'. I hadn't noticed that I was doing it, because I was so focused on listening to what they were asking about. I took my job so seriously that I never considered myself a 'woman' in that setting. I was 'the person who was there to offer assistance'. This led to several terrifying encounters with men, they assumed that I was romanticly interested in them because I was being 'nice' and 'staring' at them. What they didn't know is that I did that to everyone. On one occasion there was a man who asked me for help and pulled me away from my coworkers while we were in the shampoo area. I thought he was just embarrassed about what he was going to ask for, so I made the mistake of following him, away from the cameras that were constant surveillance in that area. He was intoxicated, and he also propositioned me, as if he was doing me a favor. (He said that he wanted to have sex with me after work) I was completely floored, as I'd never been approached by a man seeing me as a woman, I guess? Like, I am asexual so I never go looking to have sex with anyone and certainly not some random person who is a customer at my job. I'm there to help people find products they are looking for, not to pick up men. It was the first time in 23 years I actually felt afraid because I was a woman. Up until that point, I'd never took into account that I could be approached like that. I was usually the one who would protect my beautiful female friends from such attention. But, I never had anyone see me as a 'woman' enough to approach me. The end of this story is a happier one, my coworkers, mostly all guys who saw me as 'one of the guys' stayed close to me after I fled from him. I was very upset and frightened. They contacted a manager who went on a warpath looking for him in the store, but he was never found. So, my direct supervisor walked me out to my car, and waited until I was driving away at the end of the night to go back inside. For as traumatizing as it was to be treated like I was on display asking for sexual advances, the support and protection I felt from my coworkers and supervisor was amazing. This was not the last time something like this happened. I could look past it, as him being intoxicated to act like that, but it happened a handful more times. None of these encounters were 'nice' ones. I asked a female coworker and she said that I stare at people very directly, that it might give them the impression that I want them to say things like that.

[@Valentinfj]

I maked too much eye contact with an ISFP girl, and she wrongly believed that I'm in love with her... Whether you're an INFJ or not, please don't make that mistake!

[@publiusvelocitor4668]

Had similar experiences. But I feel like it is disrespectful to not look at someone is talking to me, so...? Still haven't figured out what to do.

[@Valentinfj]

We should consider the context and keep a healthy balance.

[@jacoblumbra9728]

I've always been taught that looking into someone's eyes is respectful and shows humanity. I agree that it helps me concentrate on the subject at hand. Regarding trauma, I think it's often thought of as an individual experience but rather it's a collective experience that each of us understands to some degree. I don't believe it's correlation should be confused with causation. "There's so much in this world to make us bleed" and that's the cost of growing and living, no matter how unfortunate it may be.

[@Maxecute]

So back then when i was an unconfident kid i never made eyecontact. It felt uncomfortable and i was very shy and when i made eyecontact it felt very awkward. But since im confident and grown up i do the complete opposite: i stare at people when they talk and i feel like its not something bad or weird. Many people first seem uncomfortable when i stare at them and i guess most people are not comfortable at first but after a little conversation including my staring and asking questions, people actually feel quite validatet and happy to talk to me so i guess the INFJ stare is definetly not something that we should try to get rid off. We INFJ lile to listen to people and understand them and if looking at their eyes(or soul) helps us with that, then its totally fine to stare at your conversation partner(as long as you dont look at them like a creep🥴)

[@vrucewayne]

Great point, most INFJs i know have undergone some sort of traumatic event in their life so likely there may yet be a connection between the two.

[@AmySiporen-kz6yh]

Consider myself a healthy INFJ. No trauma. I did used to test as ENFP in years past, but definitely an INFJ. Match in every sense.

[@lilmissunshine83]

I love watching people. I often get caught and I smile. I find people so incredibly interesting. I think it’s disrespectful not to took into someone’s eyes when I’m interacting. And I space out easily as well, I can completely relate to this.

[@fago9546]

Me too!

[@JLOVES]

As always... great video and share! So happy to meet the girlfriend and hear her insightful thoughts as well! =) 🙏♥️ Yes-I’m an INFJ and have had trauma starting from a young age. None of us can likely really know... but I’m inclined to feel that we have our natural personalities/soul/spirit.... and then we may adapt for better or worse or in circles depending on our nurture and experiences. ~~~~~ I think the INFJ stare is so funny... because I definitely pay close attention and I believe that most people have felt super close to me quickly because they feel truly heard or paid attention to. But like your girlfriend mentioned.... I am also reading many things... including the persons response or feelings or reactions to me... so I make adjustments according to what I feel will be most enjoyable or what is most needed in a given circumstance. 🙏♥️

[@isabelle1976]

nature nurture/ trauma topic : I've read that Yung himself was clear on the subject and that the answer was it is Nature. But I didn't research it and haven't read his words. Makes sense to me that if there were a cause and effect relationship between trauma and INFJ personality type, everyone who experienced trauma would be INFJ and every INFJ would have trauma in his life experiences. I think we can agree that it is not the case. Still it is quite logical too that the INFJ personality has a profound effect on the way we experience and process trauma, if we have some.

[@TalkswithBellaTT]

My boyfriend is an ISFJ and people usually get uncomfortable with his stare. But one time a few years into our relationship he says “damn I thought I had a staring problem” when I was scanning tf out of his face for some reason lol I didn’t even realize I was doing it so intensely.

[@isabelle1976]

Yes, i was also going to comment that I know an ISFJ who also does that

[@howaperfectlybeautifulchil7340]

When I saw your girlfriend and she smiled so very brightly, that lighting up reminded me of what I do. Then, she also had this depth and intensity during the interview. Oh my, I feel so good being an I NFJ right now.

[@OceanicPearlz1]

As an INFJ diagnosed with Autism and ADD I find it difficult looking directly at someone’s eyes. But depsite that no wonder i can relate to that when people are looking else where.

[@davidl5504]

For as long as I can recall. People, " family, friends the occasional stranger. Would tell me to smile more. I think the reason being I look unhappy, angry, serious. When internally I think I'm so deep inside my head that I'm completely unaware of my self image and how others may perceive what I'm projecting. In other words I can be happy on inside but look unhappy on the outside. Yes, to trauma as a child.

[@T216-n3h]

Very interesting. I've been told I'm intimidating to talk to. Now I get it. Seems to me that ppl are uncomfortable with us reading them so deeply but its not like I can stop doing what I do.

[@kilppari78]

It would probably be adequate if you glanced away every now and then just for the sake of giving a "breather" for the other person. 🙂

[@T216-n3h]

@@kilppari78 my problem is staying on the conversation and not drifting off. So my stare is me trying to not do that. I'm just trying to be in the here and now, not as easy as it seems sometimes

[@kilppari78]

@@T216-n3h So active listening is the issue? 🤔 Like your brain is constantly storming with thoughts and ideas that surface when you pick up on a certain word and come up with an association, then switching into daydream mode with that train of thought? And then the other person would consider you being rude or neglectful if you didn't hear what they said?

[@T216-n3h]

@@kilppari78 thats pretty much it. Some ppl just bore me and some is just something was said that triggered a thought then I realize I haven't been listening for the last min or two. Consume last. If you know about the animals

[@kilppari78]

@@T216-n3h Been there, especially when I've been tired. In my case, when piggy, the issue used to be more of not keeping quiet and to blurp out my thoughts instantly (interrupting the other person). A couple of decades later turned out I have ADHD. If related, that silent drifting off would more likely relate to ADD rather than ADHD. It's not a bug, it's a feature. 😀 I've had tremendious help with proper meds but finding the correct one with correct dosage took a few years. Now on my fourth med and this one is a keeper. It lets me keep some of my quirks (that I like) and relative happiness, only improving the ability to take initiative and to maintain focus. It also helps me not to forget what I have started, and not losing items as often as I used to. And it helps in keeping my composure in a case of a hurdle or (unjust) judgement. Not saying this is the only solution, but in my case it has been huge.

[@AugustBremer]

I’m an INFJ and I believe I can mark in time when I was happy, free and clear on who I was. When the trauma came and kept coming it shifted the foundation of that girl to who I am today. I’m completely different, some good, some bad. While I try to move forward, I want to be that person I used to be, but she doesn’t exist. I can’t get back to her. I definitely think trauma can shape anyone not just INFJ’s. I wonder if this is a little different for men and woman. Interesting topic. Also, I definitely stare, I didn’t realize until this video. I get frustrated when people won’t look at me too.

[@Tarantula_Fangs]

I'm so glad someone talks about this; I haven't found an INFJ video that actually talks about the commonalities between us INFJs. I personally had an incredibly dysfunctional childhood, luckily I can't say that I experienced intense trauma like some people have but believe me my childhood was not a conventional upbringing that I'm certain very few people can relate to. I do indeed have the INFJ stare and I honestly try not to do it simply because I understand how uncomfortable people can get, I am considered a not attractive man or have been told that I look intimidating so people desperately try to avoid me, however I perceive myself as a genuinely caring person ( of course 😉) yet people judge me so critically that I might as well be a beast! lol 😂 Anyhow, I can't help but stare at people because I take in sooo much information by just looking, it's an incredible sensation to be taking in other people visually yet I feel like an outsider and very few people can look past my scary demeanor. I have met one other INFJ person and before her and I actually spoke about personalities we connected almost immediately; I can tell that she also has the INFJ stare! I have adopted the mannerism to look away because of how uncomfortable I make people whenever I converse with them which actually makes me sad as all I'd like is to connect with people.

[@cazbee6126]

I find eye contact quite intense and struggle to maintain it while I'm talking (it's distracting) but look back when I'm listening. (You guys also break and re-establish when talking.) I've had people look over their shoulder to see what I'm staring at whilst talking. But I'm all in my brain and my gaze is disengaged - just dampening down the sensory input whilst the cogs are turning.

[@thriveflourishmotivate]

It’s so cool seeing two INFJs interact.

[@austinstolp1689]

I'm an INFJ and I would say trauma played a big role in my personality. I was in foster care my whole life until I was 13, and experienced various extreme traumas growing up. The INFJ's intuition and ability to read emotions could be seen as survival traits in certain situations. Thinking several steps ahead and feeling the "vibe" of the environment could save a person additional trauma. It's definitely not the main factor in developing a personality, but in certain cases could play a bigger role.

[@fauxasl]

As an INFJ I say I was born this way but my family always tells me I use to be such a happy person but I just suddenly stopped smiling. I was dealing with some traumatic things in my life when I was 10-12, you could say I lost my innocence. That’s when the INFJ personality within me fully enhanced. It was like this other side of me.

[@somejuice7988]

The resonance between the two of you is so refreshing!

[@iliveunderarock7820]

I am an infj and I wasn't so introverted before experiencing trauma and then I realised that nobody really cares about me so what I say won't matter to others. And sometimes I think again and again about something I said to somebody and feel guilty or embarrassed for talking something stupid. Even though I met a lot of nice people later this introversion remained with me.

[@vast_land4664]

I’m an INFJ and 35 years old. Didn’t realize I experienced trauma until my mid 20s. I was extremely depressed and addicted to opiates for a decade until i decided to get help. I’m still recovering but much better now that I’m aware of my unhealthy people pleasing due to narcissistic abuse from my father (also an alcoholic) and my triggers. The only thing about my personality that has changed since childhood is that I’m more anxious than i used to be and i developed unhealthy coping strategies; when i was young i would constantly read to escape.

[@stephanie5471]

As an INFJ I don’t stare in the sense of displaying dominance. My stare is an absent minded one; I will look at someone when they talk to me and get hooked on something they said. My mind wanders off trying to make sense of what was said but I maintain eye contact, which could be misconstrued as a stare.

[@lovernothater5659]

I have had so many commented on me staring.... the truth is I wasn’t staring but I was just figuring out the deeper meanings like their why they say those things/body language/facial expressions etc. It always happens without me realising it but people got offended. ☹️

[@shirleydaniels9310]

The stare says surrender ur soul to me

[@karhart6663]

When I was still getting to know one of my best friends, she and I went to a pub with a mutual friend, and I sat opposite him and across from her. There was a moment while I was talking when she looked startled and made a comment of "Wow. I've never sat across from you." I communicate so much with my big eyes and make direct contact when having good conversation that I guess it can be a lot for people right there.

[@sarahchristine910]

People at my last job told me everyone thought I had a crush on them because of "the stare" 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[@LegoFlipC]

I love your girlfriends dimples! She’s a beauty!

[@karinalopezz2]

Very Interesting. I'm an INFJ and I feel like I don't stare intensely because I don't want to be weird or make people uncomfortable..BUT I do do this with people I'm very close with or getting to know someone. And I really agree with your girlfriend.

[@jackreacher8687]

And thank you so much for being here clay...

[@renemartz1520]

Its basically being super focused on both the verbal and non verbal communication in a conversation and processing that information. 😊❤

[@manovatny]

Interesting about the trauma. I also was a bright effervescent outgoing child. Then trauma happened and I withdrew into disassociation. I believe I was always INFJ and that trauma didn't change that.

[@darkknight3251]

Trauma made me who I am. I wonder if I'm an INFJ because of it.

[@sirphil13]

When someone speaks, our "Se" snaps us out of our "Ni" mode, and we focus our attention 100% on the source, we don't stay in our "Se" for long because it's our inferior function, we are looking at you, but not really "staring" at you (see below), we go inside our heads because we are back in our "Ni-Ti" mode asking ourselves questions about what's really going on here, reading in between the lines. Then our "Se" catches a micro expressions that you involuntarily made that snaps us out of our head, and our "Fe" starts funneling in new information about why you just did that, what emotion was attached to your data at that exact moment...goes into our vast "Ni" human behavior web search engine, all the while our INFJ's advance "observing ego" is still engaging you in real time like a normal person. We are "observing" not only into your soul (I love eyes, they're beautiful like art), but also at your body language (Se), your general vibe (Fe), looking for any minute changes in your pattern (Ni..i.e lie detector), while constantly analyzing and staying focus on you (Ti) sending a stealth probe deep into your core self because INFJs are a people person, we are hardwired in human psychology and behavior. In other words, my "Se" locks onto your eyes 100% because it gives me the best view of your whole body, the speaker feels listened to and opens up more, and from the speaker's perspective, they'll see me blink, but in that moment I just went inside my own head (Ni-Ti mode), seeing in my mind's eye, the speaker's whole story playing out in my own head like watching a movie (so, I am not really staring at you anymore). Having an advance "observing ego" skillset, is like owning two fast CPU processors inside an INFJ's brain - one CPU dedicated in engaging 100% with the subject, the other CPU 100% inside our own heads asking ourselves questions about you, gathering emotional data and organizing it. But you won't see any of that because we are honest, and genuinely curious about you....if the conversation is more about just wasting time...the dreaded small talk. All of that I just described above requires very little mental energy for us INFJs, because that's how we are hardwired to function. (credit goes to you-tuber "Altruren") Or maybe it does, but our "Ni" is a vast (huge tank) of higher octane grade fuel source that burns off quickly running all of our function stacks 100% at the same time when engaging only with another human being (exception is with the ENTPs and ENFPs, we just naturally and mutually recharge each other)...nature on the other hand, helps refill us....that requires extended time alone to do a deep recharge, and to re-fill our very deep well. If you come across as genuine and sincere to our cognitive function stack, we are made at ease by your presence, and want to basked in your "shining" and get to know you better, but if you are a personality disorder...not only do we know that a pretty face doesn't mean a pretty heart, but if you think you can target us, you'll see a light saber flash out of nowhere like Obi Wan Kenobi did in a bar cutting off some dark creatures arm clutching his weapon in it's hand at that exact moment it blink (INFJs have an autopilot arsenal of Jedi Mind tricks at our disposal). *wink*

[@christopherhadsell9049]

If people interest me, I do stare at them--I want to see how they're presenting themselves. However, that said, many don't interest me, and, I don't really look at them. Most people are insincere, and have no idea what they want. Why would I want to look at them? I've heard it all before? Seen it all before?

[@rachelstone7072]

Thanks Clay..an authentic guy refreshing....words matching actions. Body language... INFJs thoroughly check you out ...we can know you from the check out counter at store...the next table...we know you before you say hello...

[@tonyaa2712]

I totally agree with what you said....just found your channel. Loving it! Thank you 🥰🙏

[@tw_zero_art7299]

I am an INFJ-A When I was a 7 year old kid I always pay attention to my teacher I alway look straight to her eyes, and my teacher got scared on my stare. Then she asked my Mom that my stare kind of weird or uncomfortable. But me I am just listening to her lecture. And he's right INFJ always spacing a lot staring out of nowhere.

[@cynthiasandoval6273]

I am an INFJ, and I have been through alot of trauma. I still look people in the eyes.. and never knew for years how awkward it felt for others.

[@anastasiah2398]

I think the trauma aspect is true. Well at least it is for me. I think it makes sense that it shaped me into who I am today, because being hypervigilant and mindful of what others think and feel at all times helped me survive. As a result, I am very good at reading others' emotions through their facial expressions and the inflections in their tones, which is a feature often associated with INFJs.

[@demi_burgundy]

I’m an INFJ and I’ve noticed that some people who used to make eye contact with me during conversations try not to make eye contact with me at all or make very little eye contact during later conversations, like I’ve somehow made them uncomfortable. Now after, watching this video, I know why. Sometimes I forget to be more conscious with the amount of eye contact I make with people, as I tend to overdo it.

[@maxriddle604]

I think that every person experiences trauma in their life and I think that every person processes it in their own way. In the world of the psyche there is no such thing as time, so the pain seems to never fully go away. Sometimes it feels as though it just happened. Sometimes you don't think of it at all. I could go on for ever on why infj personality types tend to be people who've experienced Traumatic events but I don't need to because Clay does and he does it really well. But It doesn't take an incredibly in depth investigation into the characteristics of the infj to reveal why we tend to all be victims of Traumatic experiences...

[@ladyfoxwf1075]

ENFP's like eye contact! :D I get scared that others don't like eye contact so chances are we're both avoiding eyecontact even though we love eyecontact haha Though difference is my eyes drift off as well naturally but when I'm really trying to look like I'm listening to someone I eye contact and sometimes I just want to eye contact and oh boy...

[@Herkimerdiamond]

You are a beautiful couple and I guess that being you two INFJ’s you emanate such an harmonious energy. There’s no conflict. You are beautiful. I guess that the only way for an INFJ to not have trauma is to full the planet only with INFJ people. I guess that the bad experiences with people tend to shape our behavior. Before trauma I was one person. After trauma I am another one. We are permeable and trauma never leaves us. It’s like a ghost frightening a little kid. Once is experienced, is there forever. And maybe that’s why we tend to prevent another bad experience to happen again because once it happens, is in our system forever. INFJ character is the most sensible character that exists. No joke. This is serious stuff.

[@sabrinalopez7821]

As an INFJ counselor, I often feel clients trauma before they share it and when they are shared, there is a weight I can't describe. At some point I realized this was something I had felt as a child before I had the words for what trauma was. I had much of the same experience as your girlfriend, and I wonder if it was me trying to fit in and feel as less of an outsider adjusting my behavior to their expectations. Small joke you can tell this is a thread of infj's by the thoughtfulness behind the responses

[@jayjitsu1986]

I been through a lot of trauma in my life and I believe that it’s meant to be that way!

[@jenniferfarley9096]

I think you hit the nail on the head at the end Clay. I was much like your girlfriend growing up, I remember thinking the personality test was a hoax because there was no way I was an INFJ. But in the last 6 years, I have experienced trauma I didn't think could ever happen to me and I enclosed myself from everything since, even trying to break out and be who I was and I know I was almost seems impossible. Thank you for all of your videos, you have no idea how comforting they have been and how they do help me towards being a healthier person inside again, they make me feel like I'm not alone anymore.

[@jacquenetteviljoen3126]

I am an INFJ and yes I have experienced trauma. I do believe it had an influence on my personality. I also use to be a very happy vibrant outgoing child but childhood trauma changed that. I have noticed that trauma makes people more perceptive ,it makes one more aware of peoples body language and tone of voice so as to be ready or on alert for any threat or harm. People say I am a good listener because I make eye contact whem I listen. I found that it is usually the people that have something to hide even hurt and shame that are uncomfortable with eye contact.

[@KelvinWKiger]

I really need that eye connection. Especially when it's the other person talking to me.

[@amouraearising2148]

traumatized infj here. i believe that we are sensitive souls by nature, thereby we are way more vulnerable to traumatic events. and as wee ones, even harsh behavior or loud noises could have been construed as traumatic by our little minds & bodies. just imagine how difficult it would be to process a horrific life environment/event...

[@ingenuity168]

I do exactly that. It's my way of taking in what people say or show on their face what's genuine in their thoughts or mind.

[@apriljohnson3471]

I am INFJ but I don't like to stare in people's eyes but I do find myself staring at people alot

[@rainynight6334]

Same

[@FaeoreNeko]

You know what my trauma was? Being mentally bullied. Youngest of 3, my older brother wouldn't leave me the f^&* alone. I still have nightmares where I scream at him to just f^&* off and leave me alone. He would become violent when things resulted in screaming matches and I have very vivid memories of barricading my bedroom door, scared for my life that his bashing of the door would result in him getting into my room and hurting me. Parents did nothing. Nothing.

[@KelvinWKiger]

Staring it's the best way to truly understand what are their feelings and also the state of their mind.

[@saranox7319]

Also Trauma has changed my personality because of emotional abuse and resulting stress I experienced and I will use my Ti for decision making instead of Fe. I can say trauma can change a person trenendously, not for me but my brother was a very outgoing kid and he went kind of schzoid/schizotypal. Further mistreatment and stress made him extremely cautious even paranoid, last time I saw him he seemed delusional and psychotic, I don’t know how he is now, since he broke of contact to everyone. Bless him. ♥️

[@sandyk8010]

With so few INFJs having parents, extended family and friends who understand and can mirror us, maybe that is detrimental. Seems the type is inborn. When trauma hits, the sensitive idealism coupled with knowing what's really happening, the hurt runs deep. Our strengths become vulnerabilities. Once out of danger, however, those strengths may facilitate processing and healing. Then once again the INFJ lives their true being, more experienced, discerning, and cautious. Totally worth it! ❤ Thank you both!

[@nalissolus9213]

I definitely don't do this unless I either trust the person a lot or if I start to suspect that they are lying/bullshitting me.