Codependents THINK They're Just Being Nice But Here's the Brutal Reality

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It's common for people who grew up with abuse and neglect to find themselves in codependent relationships. People use the term casually but being codependency fosters emptiness, poverty and rage. How can you tell if it's YOU or the other person who is bringing this to the dynamic? What role does CPTSD and childhood trauma play in developing codependency. In this video I describe the brutal reality of codependent relationship dynamics and the price people pay until they heal.
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[@SweetUniverse]

Speaking of self-care: I couldn't clean my own house. I'd clean someone else's house or clean at work, but I couldn't do it for myself.

[@detoate123]

Yup, that's one of the first signs I saw in myself, a sudden burst of energy when the opportunity showed up to do for someone else something I'd rather die than do for myself. I didn't know what it was but it strucked me as really odd one day and then I couldn't unsee it.

[@MsHellcat08]

Been there, a friend pointed it out to me and I couldnt tell ber why? I still dont know why lol

[@brianna094]

@@detoate123 Same!! Others have complimented me on my cleaning and organizing skills and I think to myself: yeah well you should see my apartment... I've even made those self-deprecating comments haha

[@amyrussell860]

I know where you are coming from. I gravitate towards this behavior. I recognize the resentment of being taken for granted too. I realize I want approval from people who can't or won't give it to me, but I am slowly getting better about self care and taking steps to grow as a person.

[@jullietmburu9672]

Me too!! And the clothes thing... I took care of someone else and bought everything they needed, but couldn't spend on myself!!

[@donnacolwell3988]

When I realized that I wasn't fully aware of my own ulterior motives, that was a revelation. I actually told a someone recently that my main coping mechanism was getting into a relationship (usually a romantic relationship with a man, but sometimes a friendship with a woman) with someone who I thought needed my help. A fixer-upper relationship. That way I could focus all my energy on someone else, and not have to look at my own screwed up life. Now that I know what I have been doing, I avoid trying to "help." It was almost physically painful to sit quietly and let other people just be. I heard the voice in my head screaming, "I can help you!" Now the voice is more of a whisper saying, "I will help you, if you ask me." It is getting easier to butt out of other people's business, and to stop trying to herd them along the path I think they should go. Letting people make mistakes and suffer the consequences gives them the opportunity to learn and grow. I love the way my life is changing for the better. I have become a full-fledged adult instead of a scared little girl.

[@temidayoakogun1439]

I’m literally in tears because of how relatable this is for me. “Now it’s A whisper that says, I can help you if you ask me” really hit me in my soul. Honestly I suffered through that transition because I felt so useless powerless and hopeless without it. But I’ve learned that I can’t place my worth in how much people need me. That’s not a sustainable way to think and it’s really like it says in the video a waste of life. Thanks for sharing.

[@donnacolwell3988]

@@temidayoakogun1439 Thank you for sharing, too. 🤗

[@Christine_Zafu]

Thank you for saying this, it gave me a lot of clarity into my own inclinations towards codependency and also with a friendship I have with someone with strong codependent leanings. What, for you, was the trigger that caused you to change? And based on your perspective, what, if anything, can I do rebalance a relationship with someone who is always offering unwanted and unhelpful advice?

[@donnacolwell3988]

@@Christine_Zafu I was the one trying to push unwanted help onto others, not the one on the receiving end. Perhaps an honest discussion with the friend giving unwanted advice is in order. You may hurt feelings and loose the friend, but that would be more healthy for you emotionally. I decided to change my life when the 25 year relationship with my partner ended due to his infidelity. It wasn't the first time he had been unfaithful, but it was the first time I stood up for myself and said no more. I then took a very hard look at my behavior during our relationship. I got involved with him knowing that he had serious addiction issues. I spent decades trying to change him and help him to be a better person. When I finally understood that I had unresolved issues from my childhood that put me in the roll of caregiver and "savior," I knew I had to own up to my unhealthy emotional behaviors. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my past. I still have hope that I can have a mature, loving, reciprocal relationship with an emotionally healthy man. To do this, I must let any potential partner do their own adulting, and I need to do mine.

[@EveInTheMachine]

Yeah.... that's been my pattern too. And exactly, that phrase of "if you ask, I will help." Has been one of many that has been helping me.

[@leopardchicken]

I often found that when I 'see' a person's potential it is simply me projecting onto them what I would do in their situation.

[@talktaboo2me169]

Whoaaaa good self observation 💯💯‼️💙

[@alextarot]

Seeing the potential of other is always about projecting yourself onto them.

[@Cheptabgaa]

Sooo true !!!

[@bereczki_toth_noemi]

OMG. This hit me now.

[@pngproductions8529]

felt that..Im working on my own house this time...but i realized I keep house clean for others not myself.

[@leonablack3516]

Problem is when you try to heal from codependency people get nasty because your not a walk over any more , how dare you not be a doormat.

[@sunbeam9222]

That's not a problem that's a clue that you're heading in the right direction. They're going to have to adapt to the new you. And so do you.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

😖 I almost didn't click. Because I knew I would be exposed.

[@jackthere]

Incredible

[@ms.x1669]

I've stayed single for 4 years because I no longer trust my own judgement. As much as I can recognise codependent behaviours in others, they have me on chokehold when I like someone. I also don't want to lose another decade to focusing on others

[@toyahbetheglory2140]

Girl, same. Better to heal and learn to love ourselves properly first before seeking a partner again. Blessings to you

[@Crgb777]

Same. Working with a therapist has been life changing as I peer back into the dating space. I also have to take personal accountability and decide that I'm not going to 'hang myself' when faced with the opportunity. I refuse to continue going down that road. She has walked me off a few bridges. That, and time willingly choosing to be alone to feed your own spirit has made it easier to walk away when I need to.

[@imatter2me2day]

Ouch… that is me 100% Single for 7yrs just because I cannot trust my own judgement.

[@beachgirl4]

Same.

[@chilloften]

I so understand. My last relationship was only 5 months total and it’s 2.5 years later and I still have regrets/ruminations. And…not many come my way that I’m attracted. And so I’ve had good me time for working on lots of things and so grateful. I have a lot of grief. Ugh Good luck to ya.

[@MrLuigiFercotti]

One thing co-dependents do, is do things for other people that were not even asked for, then get resentful when not reciprocated or acknowledged.

[@miggybabes]

Damn, I 𝓶𝓪𝔂 be the toxic one. Thank you. This made me aware of my self-sabotaging, co-dependent tendencies. I'm excited to grow from here.

[@Cheptabgaa]

Gosh mee too !

[@EricaCartmanIsMisunderstood]

I clearly am 😢

[@peepsicle]

As long as the other person stays “broken” you don’t have to deal with your own brokenness, or even admit that you have brokenness. It can always be that other persons problem. And you get to be the martyr that everyone feels sorry for.

[@KyriosHeptagrammaton]

Yep. Too often the thought is "If only I didn't have a narcissist parent/partner" then my life would be whole!" At some point you gotta help yourself rather than hope you can manipulate the other

[@juliamcclaysy829]

I'm 29 years old and through the last weeks I realized that I have been codependent up until now. I have been majorly neglected in my childhood and only resently realized that I didn't even know what I want or who I am. I've had poor boundries (due to some former healing I woulnd't take all the crap that was thrown at me) and blamed everyone else for hurting me, while being unable to leave those toxic family members and friends. The sad thing is I never wanted to hurt others, I acted the way I did out of pain, fear and confusion. But now the fog is clearing and I am taking back my life and I will create the life I always dreamed of. To all the others out there, you are not alone, don't give up even when you feel it might kill you. Pray to god, stay strong, take one step at a time. May Jesus guide your way

[@CJ-uk1rt]

I've seen a lot of codependents think that they're "healers". The spiritual community encourages it.

[@ShareTheMystery]

Are they?? Maybe so .. maybe not!

[@lizvtaz6]

To be perfectly honest with you, codependents are no healers. Neiher do they focus on other people (and that is the saddest part). They only focus on those people whom they find to be evil and broken. Try being friends with a co-dependent when you are a relatively kind person that does not need their help. They will use you just like their NPD-friends use them. And when confronted they are gonna be defensive. These people are shameless in believing that they are martyrs, when all they do is being slave to the evil people and being mean to the kind people. I always wondered how do they manage to percieve themselves as heros when they never even help the good people in the first place (or only do so unwillingly) and also if there is a conflict between two people the codependent almost always takes the side of the person who is less innocent and more bully-like. And still they percieve themselves to be an angel of sorts. In reality you are better off not having people like this around you. Their kindness can be very misleading as you might think that because they are nice-ish, they are also trustworthy. Which is not the case. They only play the hero.

[@neiosier9662]

@@lizvtaz6 So true, they are slaves to evil people. And play the martryers around good ones, kind ones. They are martyers but the problem is them playing the one. My dad is Golden child/codependant myom.narc brother sociopath, other brother I don't know bit narc/codependant/normal. But my grandma has sacrificed a lot for my mom who is Narc- and she has a need to talk that to me everytime she sees me, and when I look at my chilhood she never did anything with me or taught me anything- she was dismisduve, gossiped about people I never met, and same with my grandad- he never talked with as a kidy never said 1 encouraging Word to me, bought me a chicolate. Only talked about themselves and how disrespectfully everyone was towards them. I heit the fact that they had courage to talk that shit to me. My chilhood was fucking hell - no love , encouragement, attention, and they had courage to talk about how theirs was bad and asking for my company and help!!! Like I owe them just because the took care of their own daughter (but not me) ??? And my dad only took care because he had to, but 98% it was all about him. When I aske for help he wouldn't help in real way but "barely" or give stupid insults or be stupid. I was helping my brothers at college- it wasn't a fer deal, guess that was codependant of me because they are evil fu***,no real help would come, guess that makes me codependant to!! All of them were dick heads!!! Wherever I try to help my grany in practical way she talks some stupid stuff that I don't want to hear, and when I tell her to stop she continues and says I upset her so I don't help her and the she plays a victim because I want nothing to do with that. It is all so stupid. So stupid!!! Who the fuck would have a grandpughter living in the sam house and never pet her, talk with her or anything, and when things would go bad tell her their sorrows and misseries instead to their pears and someone else. Selfish fucking bastards, codeoendancy is sh***!!! God damn it!!! Codependants help the bad guy and play the vicitim around the good guy. And tlwhen the good guy stand su for themselves they are the bad guy and shit happens.

[@lizvtaz6]

@@neiosier9662 what you describe sound very unfair. Those people have no right to treat you like this. They have effectively ruined your childhood, so it's not their place to complain to you about how they are mistreated by others. It was their responsibility to ensure that your childhood was fine. They failed to do so but now they are now burdening you with their complaints about life. And yes, I think that this is in fact very typical for a codependent. There is a woman that I used to be close to, when we both were children. She was originally my neighbor, 4 years younger than me. Her family was very abusive, but somehow they liked me more then they liked her. So every time they would beat her up she would scream, I would hear it and then 12-13 year old me would go and bang on their door, and they would let me in and stop tormenting her. I felt very protective towards her. She seemed like a very kind child. Do you wanna know what our relationship is like now, when we are both in our 20s? She now loves her abusive family. She has 3 kids with a man who has practically abandoned her and the kids. She still loves him. She yells at her kids day and night and she let's her abusive family to babysit her kids all the time. It is me that she hates. She drinks too much, and she literally asks me to buy her alcohol. I always say "no". Last time I did she called me "an old goat". Also she noticed that her kids like me more then her. She now does not let them go anywhere near me, cause she is jealous. Not that I want to spend time with them, they are not my kids.. But you get the idea. Also she is a classic codependent. Not npd or bpd. A very sad story. It took me a lot of effort to stop caring.

[@icedcocoa221]

And "empaths" 🙄

[@crystalk6090]

Great descriptions. Coming to terms with my codependent behavior over the past six months has been life changing. It’s tough to realize how much I hurt my husband, young adult sons, damaged my career, and watched well adjusted people keep their distance. Ready to be a healthier version of me. Praying for all of us who suffered CPTSD. Thanks for the videos.

[@eleanor4759]

So so much respect for you.

[@SallyJoeTimestamps]

My mom started getting treatment for CPTSD in the last year. She has done things that have hurt me, too (and herself). Her getting help improved our relationship and her overall situation. I love her and have so much respect for her for getting out of that hole. It’s hard to covey how proud I am of her & how emotional I get that she’s gotten better in a comment but…keep it up ❤️❤️❤️

[@crystalk6090]

@@SallyJoeTimestamps Thank you.

[@crystalk6090]

@@eleanor4759 Thank you.

[@anneboulton8717]

xo

[@dinahsoar6982]

I was co-dependent, for years, had no idea...when I finally realized it I had to 'change the dance'...boy that was hard...when you change the dance people are not happy.

[@crystalk6090]

So true! Experiencing this with a few friends I’ve had for over twenty years. My sister is baffled that all her old tactics aren’t working on me anymore. Keep up the positive change.

[@theargylesweater]

Wishing there were more conversations about the damage that codependent/enmeshed parenting can do to a child’s developing sense of self. We tend to focus on the obvious harm done by the addicted parent or the narcissistic parent, not so much on their codependent partners.

[@trafficcontrol2420]

My mom is codependent.

[@Dahnah2008]

I am so interested in this topic!

[@emilysmith2965]

I’ve never understood why people consider this hard… protecting someone is an obvious and overt act. So recognizing when it’s not there should be way easier. Then again, I’m autistic. Autistic people have a deeply ingrained sense of justice and fairness. It needs to stop being framed as “Why didn’t you do anything?” and start being framed as “Why did you choose to do nothing?”

[@Katyayanibetha]

The way codependency manifested in me is that I wouldn't speak up for myself when being mistreated in order to preserve the relationship. I would try and control how the relationship was going by denying myself. I didn't actually try and change the other person, because that would endanger the relationship. Instead, I took that upon myself and sacrificed myself in order to preserve the relationship. I became aware of this in 2013 after a traumatic work experience as a live-in nanny where I wasn't speaking up for myself, and have been working on it since then.

[@Iudicatio]

Thank you for writing this comment! I am much more similar to you than what is described in the video and I was wondering if it is codependence or something else. Any time I got into a relationship, anything that happened, I would give up everything I have inside to pretend it's okay. Assault, things I actually find completely unacceptable, even illegal things, I would just say yes it's okay in order to be a good girlfriend and preserve the relationship. Weirdly, I understood that I didn't like the way my ex boyfriends constantly criticized my appearance so in order to make them happy I would never criticize them even when I should have. I would never try to change the other person and only try to change myself to fit with them.

[@wareforcoin5780]

That's exactly how I am. I was so happy to finally diagnose what the hell is wrong with me so I can work on myself and have some self esteem finally, but this video didn't describe me at all. _This_ is how I am. Everything is "yes." I just say yes to everything, regardless if it's detrimental to me in some way. It's led me into places and things I don't want a lot. I'm working on setting boundaries, because my people pleasing is going to get me killed or something equally as bad that I can't mention on youtube or my comment will get eaten by the comment section gremlins.

[@jullietmburu9672]

As always, this lady speaks the truth. As a healed codependent, this totally defined me. I almost wasted my 20s trying to make everyone else perfect until fibromyalgia forced me to look inwards. Anyone dealing with a codependent, the best thing is to set boundaries. I still madly respect guys who chose to set boundaries with me, Healing is possible. Looking back, thank God I snapped out of it and stopped wasting my life!!! Thanks Fairy 👑

[@fiery_aries1293]

Can u tell us what did u do to heal from it?

[@give_peas_a_chance]

wow, that's interesting- I'm a codependent fixer and I have just been diagnosed with fibro and CPTSD-- forcing me, as you say, to look inwards and look after myself first. I'm so glad you are healed at a young age - I'm 60 now, only just looking into all of this. Better late than never. I wish al the best to you and thank you for your comment, it really lit up a light bulb in my brain!

[@acfatemi]

Yes, great description! However I didn’t hear one aspect of this problem; parentification as a root cause. A child that was brought up to be the fixer, the protector of younger siblings, the one that the parent leaned on at an early age and the one expected to make mum happy & be emotionally supportive,- this child will grow up to be extraordinarily helpful and achieving in many situations…..until she/he collapse from exhaustion due to lack of self-care and normal boundaries…

[@erikafrazier2973]

This. Is. Me. How do I fix it though?

[@nryane]

@ AC Fatemi Yep. The eldest of 6 siblings, I was often in charge of my brothers and sisters, starting at age 5! I came by my codependency through early training/habituation. As I have had to learn about the red flags in abusive individuals’ behaviors, I’ve also had to learn about my own “helpful” habits, AND change them!

[@rosieh5111]

@@erikafrazier2973 Same as any other cause of codependence. Anna's videos are a great place to start, use her programs etc. Me too, by the way.

[@truerosie]

@@erikafrazier2973 Plus if you feel strong enough, look up Reparenting. Learning this is what got me well and returned my power to myself. I still isolate more than some would think healthy, but reparenting myself got me through the grief. It takes time. John Bradshaw's books v helpful too; though will out your CPTSD first. It's a long road but what choice do we have? Avoiding the healing work is part of the codependence trick of avoiding our own problems. We have to do it to get well; and absolutely worth it.

[@truerosie]

Anna's videos are a great start.

[@ohcrikey9560]

Unless someone actually 'wrongs' you, if they don't behave how you would have liked them to, either just accept thats the way they are or just walk away from them. I guess it depends on how deeply you care about them. You've no right to try to change someone. Like them or leave them.

[@HeartOfTheSource]

Cluster Bs will hold you hostage once they get their hooks in you tho. You gotta see the whole truth for what it really is and then when you do and try to leave for the sake of everyone involved, and recognize how you've been enabling their bad behaviors they will ramp up their abuse efforts in order to keep the supply you had been giving them while there or attempt to destroy your life as completely as they possibly can cause "how dare you leave them even if they hate you enough to want you dead?". They will waste your time and their own simply to achieve keeping you if you were what they consider a "good supply". It can be very difficult to escape but not impossible if you muster up all the strength in you. Exhausting and can be deadly getting away too.

[@rosettesionne9139]

One point I want to note, is that I don't think that codependent like to be codependent I sincerely believe that no one wants to be a martyr but we have been CONDITIONED from a very young age to be one, either from surroundings, family of origin or even religious groups, we were conditioned to believe that we are worthy to be love only when we sacrifice ourself for others and at the end it became our way of being. Not too far ago I decided to stop being a codependent, I tried to express my feelings and to communicate my needs to my surroundings, I was determined to create a healthy relationship and to finally turn the page but my surroundings didn't see things the same way as I do... I was severely abused, called all sort of names they even attacked my sanity... my codependent self reappeared instantly to keep me safe and when I became codependent again, these people started to be nice to me... I really believe that our codependency is like a protector personality that we created to make us feel safe in relationships.

[@frehatipu9187]

I agree, some people are moulded this way.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

Well expressed & thought provoking comment. Thank you.

[@sunshinesunflowerz1647]

Then go live for you. Heal yourself minus them

[@debraspence3559]

Yes so true, it is conditioned into us. And yes the people around us often don't like us to change. You are not alone.....baby steps. ❤

[@vickig6080]

Agree

[@kimlec3592]

When "being nice" was used to mould and manipulate you your whole life, it can become your default position - to avoid engaging too deeply and avoid being exploited & emotionally attached and then abandoned - yet again.

[@KyriosHeptagrammaton]

Yeah. "Be true" would be a much better lesson

[@issacyasrom3421]

Every single time I watch your videos I’m forced to be honest with myself, that’s something that I really need as I make a transition into adulthood having come from an abusive household. Thank you 10 fold!

[@pulanemay4341]

Amen 💖 🙏

[@RondaBC]

“Dumbing down your integrity” - such a wise expression. Thank you.

[@ExNihilo634]

This is the best description I’ve ever heard of codependency. Usually KZbinrs just talk about being “dependent” and “clingy” without any depth, you explained it in a way that clicked for me finally. I just broke up with my girlfriend and we both had these tendencies which ended up making the relationship a toxic mess. Now it’s time for a long hard look at myself and my hero complex so that I can heal and have better relationships in the future.

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

Same. Two codependents except I care about psychology and self growth and he doesn’t. Another man who thinks that stuff is all hippie dippie shit. So I can work on my codependency but he’s not going to.

[@laurenreynolds6157]

I am a recovering codependent & THIS was the best read EVER. Thank you so much! 🙏🏽

[@tekkenmaster123]

Beautifully said as always. I had an impenetrable codependent relationship with my parents that lasted well over 24 years. As a Hispanic, cultural relationships parallel much of the characteristics of codependent relationships. And are viewed as normal and acceptable. In fact, not being codependent is viewed as hurtful and confusing. I endured some pretty intense events in my life that would otherwise been labeled as abuse and assault from my parents. Fortunately, after enduring 27 years of relentless micromanaging , neglect and codependency from my parents I meet my mentor. My mentor taught me healthy relationships in a manner that effectively broke many of the bonds that tied me to my parents. I felt liberated. But at the same time angry and confused. When my mentor and I confronted my parents they denied anything and everything that had happened. Years later, my parents finally admitted to the countless counts of abuse, neglect and described the behaviors and actions as "how it should be" and they "didn't know any other way to do it". Finally, the straw that broke the camels back were the countless years of religious indignation from my parente that also binded me to a codependent relationship with a higher power. It took years of reparation and mental reconstruction of what a higher power should be and what it means to me. Fortunately, with the help of my mentor and countless years of counseling, 4 mental hospitalizations and countless medication changes, I'm living a fuller life.

[@MagisterialVoyager]

Asian here with codependent culture as well. Your story is insightful, thank you for sharing it and showing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All the best luck.

[@tekkenmaster123]

@@MagisterialVoyager thank you for your kind words. 🙏. Hope all is well.

[@temidayoakogun1439]

This is a great comment, I relate so much to it especially the bit about religion and a higher power.

[@tekkenmaster123]

@@temidayoakogun1439 thank you. Yes. It's such a difficult journey.

[@raewynurwin4256]

God has blessed you, well done.

[@16voyeur]

You described who I was in my 20s and 30s. I turned fifty a few weeks ago, and I'm still building my life, still trying to figure out what I want. I'm glad that phase of my life is over.

[@KatErina-ii6ru]

Interesting.. I recently went out with a man a few times and we had chemistry and a really nice time. The first time we went out we both had alcohol, which I normally don’t drink. But I had 1.5 drinks and he’d probably had 4. I thought perhaps he was nervous so I just put it in the back of my mind. The second time we went out he probably had 5 drinks where again I only had 1.5. And exactly like you said… I saw all the potential so I tried to ignore the drinking because to me 4-5 drinks in one evening is a lot. Long story short we haven’t gone out again since but we have chatted a tiny bit. He’s divorced three years now and seems pretty nervous to get into anything relationship wise. I was also curious about his social media so I went to look at it and one photo he puts up was he had found a rock near a store and it was a rock someone painted.. but the store he was at was a liquor store!!😒 So I decided after seeing that to let that go for now, and just focus on exactly what you’re talking about here. Taking care of myself and focusing on that 🙏🏻💖 And you’re exactly right.. taking care of my car, and underwear drawer. I also currently have a low paying job despite have a bachelors degree and lots of experience. My boss is also a narcissist, and two of my exes are too. Anyways.. after hearing this I just realized I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. I’m applying to some academic jobs now that I’m qualified for and I will focus on me! It’s a strange thought. Ha ha!! Thank you!! 💞💖💘

[@beatrixbrennan1545]

I don't know you, but I'm proud of you! Good on you for seeing the reality and not living in the potential! Good luck on your job search as well! Blessings to you

[@KatErina-ii6ru]

@@beatrixbrennan1545 awww.. thank you! Your words are encouraging and helped me today! 🙏🏻💖 God bless you 🤓

[@di3486]

Alcoholics = run!

[@temidayoakogun1439]

In an ideal world, the right thing to do would be to ask about the drinking whether it’s an addiction or just a means of dealing with a temporary emotion that perhaps he’s just not ready to face but realistically people are not honest with themselves about themselves so there wouldn’t even be much that could come out of the situation doing that. Truth is if he could admit the addiction, he should have already been seeking help about it. That’s what would have made the difference for me if I were in your shoes. But kudos to you for choosing yourself.

[@annekary6190]

Believe me, YOU ARE WORTH YOUR OWN TIME ❤️😘✌🏼 And great for you to see this stuff!👍🏼 Science says will do anything to survive even lie to ourselves to this degree 🤷‍♀️❤️

[@frappalina]

Spot on description of codependency. I have been codependent in the past. I have tried to help my partners to get help, to see a therapist, to stop using substances, I have helped them get job interviews, I have cooked healthy meals and motivated them to work out... All this while neglecting myself and my own needs. Now I am single and taking care of myself and focusing on understanding my needs and satisfying them. Since I was a child, my parents would use me to talk about their marital problems and I was a peacemaker between them. I would even take the blame for my mom's mistakes (such as overcooked food or soap stains on the bathtub) so my dad would hit me instead of her. I learned this role and I brought it into my life and relationships. Now I'm focusing in taking care of myself. I hope that a lovely man with strong boundaries will find me and have a relationship with me and if I fall into those old patterns, he'll warn me. But for now I'm ok with being single... Whatever happens I'll make the best out of it

[@sparkstudies1675]

Wishing you well. Keep going.

[@sacredaura2170]

I can relate. I feel I really need time to be alone to heal. Someone is interested in me however my ways are child like I've noticed . I don't want to bring myself or him through the cycle . I have to develop a healthier self for myself. Thanks for sharing....

[@xjqueendom1359]

What if you’re the type of codependent that helps your partners a lot and can also help yourself well? I have a lot of successful things going on, high paying job, well educated, always on an upward independent track, successful outside, but my boundaries are poor because I didn’t have the proper codependency therapy resources to treat my CPTSD. I see other people saying they don’t clean their apt but can clean their partners and what if I’m so high functioning I can do both?

[@sillianjloth254]

This we wonderfully written. I sorry for how your childhood went down. But that first half of the thing you would do for them I do the same things. I'm trying to just let them be Either they sink or swim. But it's not supposed to be all on me. I'm working to focus on myself .

[@sarag1158]

I really, really screwed up when I was married to my drug addicted ex. I should have just LEFT. He was a toxic manipulative gaslighter but I was a co-dependent control freak. I was going to get him clean, no matter what. He needed to change so I could feel better. YIKES! I am happy being single. I have my own issues to work out. Isolating in an effort to not be triggered. Absolutely still doing this but accepting others has gotten better.

[@brendabahr4736]

I'm with an addict who is also dyslexic and has a.d.d. the struggle is real..

[@sunnydaye5942]

Thank you for validating self care. I was called Anal retentive because I fold my socks and underwear and my drawers are organized neatly. I hate that those who call me that are actually toxic to me. Took me too long to figure that part out. Like all the self care I tried to do there was always someone making me out as selfish or crazy. Well now days I have little to no tolerance for those kind.

[@sunshinesunflowerz1647]

I was called the same things.

[@jullietmburu9672]

What's anal retentive.

[@KyriosHeptagrammaton]

I think Dr. Jordan Peterson said something along the lines of "If you clean your room, and try to improve your life, those people whose lives are not in order will hate you for it"

[@s.rogers5773]

I usually scroll past most videos on codependency, because I just knew I couldn’t possibly relate. But something told me to click on your video and I’m so glad I did. I was one of those people who had the definition of codependency all wrong. This video is extremely eye-opening and I’m 1000% codependent. By focusing on someone else’s “issues” I can kinda forget about mine for the time being. I see what you’re saying about codependency being addiction-adjacent. It’s not quite like addiction, but almost like a high. Thank you for your clarity on this subject. I have some work to do.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I think my codependency triggers my poor eating habits and my obesity issues ..

[@karennovosat5435]

That is very good insight. I can relate.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

That’s very common. Codependency is usually underneath most addictions. That was my story - I had to deal with my eating first - then my codependency recovery was the obvious next step. Your journey will be unique to you. Be kind to yourself. Food is comfort and when we have codependency- it’s hard to take care of ourselves first - but can’t steps count!

[@Alinda1308]

I've been on the other side, with a man that really thought that if he could change me, he would have been the happiest man in the world. It still hurts to know that he never was interested in me as a person, he never was in love with me but just with an idea, and yes, my "potential".

[@ED-ie3et]

I think that's my experience. He's happy when I reach these key milestones but I'm so resentful that I'm still not at the level he is in terms of professional salary, being calm in any situation, being neurotypical...

[@KyriosHeptagrammaton]

I've been on both sides, and there's nothing more objectifying than the other person caring more about your relationship than you (or themselves)

[@catherinebanks6420]

Crappy Childhood Fairy has given me, in a few hours of watching her KZbin videos, more words of wisdom than my mom gave me in 4 decades. I really appreciate this channel!

[@expectingnewlife]

This was my mom, 100%. 😢 Sadly, she died before I could work on myself enough to find a way to have a healthy relationship with her. (...meaning setting my healthy boundaries and finding any sort of safe relational space within that - I was still working hard to untangle myself from her.)

[@jesseleeward2359]

It is my mother aswell. She gets involved in dramas in her home town and visits regularly to gossip. She never travels anywhere else. Just to her childhood home to gossip wuth childhood friends. And if she goes on vacation she doesn't like it. It feels unimportant.

[@jesseleeward2359]

Someone online said I am selfish because I go to far off places to experience new things and that is selfish. But my grandparents were the same as me. They didn't get involved in drama in their homes with their cousins. Or with my dad, they had no patience for it, so just dismissed them, rolled their eyes, and provided whatever he wanted. They were rich and traveled the world their whole lives. If their kids, my dad, complained or had issues, my grandparents would throw lots of money at them. Some would say they weren't addressing the emotional issues and just used money. But I sympathize with my grandparents. Why are my parents always whining and gossiping and crying and backbiting 24/7? If money isn't the issue what is? Why is it unacceptable for me to complain or gossip? Why can't my dad just live peacefully like his parents and confront issues calmly.

[@GreasyBaconMan]

@@jesseleeward2359 A Proverb from scripture on gossip: A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

[@engadmi1351]

OMG, when you mentioned the underwear drawer I almost cried. This is something I have been working on for half a decade, and I still have trouble spending on myself. At the same time I look at others as ungrateful and takers or selfish for taking care of themselves. I look well put together because I would never allow anyone to know I struggle, but I scrimp, safe, and take hand me downs from friends or family of their old things. Like my mother recently passed and now I'm concerned that I won't have a steady flow of things she didn't like or don't fit, or she feels is out of style. There is so much more just around this one subject. Like getting Christmas presents and Birthday presents of my family's old and discarded things. I know they could afford gifts, but the would just give me old stuff they didn't want

[@missylee3022]

The Crazy Ex Girlfriend show has a song that sums up co dependency. It's called "after everything I've done for you that you didn't ask for " I sing it to myself when I slip into co dependent behavior.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Ha! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@missylee3022]

It's important to keep a sense of humor while healing lol

[@Angel33313]

I call this the "Jesus komplex". "I don't need anything, I'm just here to help others". The day I realised I have been doing that my whole life, was the day I started to live ❤

[@Jamiet-lk8xq]

I know devoted Christians am this is actually really tricky when people raised that service to others is pleasing to the Lord.

[@KerryNeeds]

Same. Martyr complex

[@leandramcphatter8957]

I suffered from codependency from spiritual abuse. Extremely narcissistic behavior made me feel like I was incapable of making my own decisions for myself, and I eventually lost my identity and sense of worth due to being wrapped around them, their needs, their opinion, and their advice. Heck, I event married a fellow codependent who had unresolved trauma. I’m now getting divorced, healing, and am SO much more self-aware than I’ve ever been, and I’m walking daily in the mindful realization of me being capable of providing myself what I need, and that my needs and voice matter, and come first. Since developing a closer relationship with my inner child, and also setting boundaries, I’ve found myself much more peaceful and relaxed - not allowing myself to obsess over romantic [dis]interest. This is truly a liberating way to live - and something I’ve never experienced before. Life feels so much more sweeter and vivid. Thank you Childhood Fairy for your content. Yours and a few others have helped me deal with so many issues (including limerence!) and have enabled me to live a better, more intentional, fuller life. ❤🎉

[@VenusRadha]

This is the first time that I have heard a good description of codependency. I finally understand!

[@justinael]

A wake up I needed. I'm so willing to work on myself and change but I also get caught in old life patterns and forget everything. Thank you for reminding me I need my own life, my own goals. And just accept who others are. Not my projects!

[@azcactusflower1]

0:41 "Person who loses their sovereignty over themselves they lose their sense that they own and direct their own lives and they shove all that to the side in a vague cloud. Their identity, their hopes, their problems, and they become overly focused on to a sick degree on someone else's problems." 💯💥💫

[@brightphoebus]

I definitely chose my last boyfriend BECAUSE he was a fixer upper. Ah! Someone who needs me to fix him! There goes the fallen angel, into the fray, to get chewed up and used. And oh how I worked on my husband to make him love me. In the end he forbade me to leave, while refusing to care about me, I had the courage to leave, and he didn't want me back. What a tragic heartbreak of a life I have, partner after partner, broken boy-men, who didn't really love me. A whole string of them.

[@brightphoebus]

@Scott Alleman Yup

[@jaybearmuir5835]

Why do you have to call me out so much, haha. One thing I've started telling myself is that I no longer want people to like me because I'm "nice." That means that I'm not being authentic and that they only see what I'm doing for them, not who I really am.

[@9liveslisa]

Great information. One thing that helps me when I am down about something or stressed out, I remind myself that everything usually works out for the best and then I am ready to let it go and let the chips fall where they may. And usually it's amazing how everything did work out for the best. To empty your brain and body of all that tangled drama is life changing.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So true! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Bakanello]

Excellent examples as always CCF. There is a definite moment in my life that made me truly realize something was up with the way I configured my relationships from about 3 years ago - it is a very distinct moment of realization for me that's close to my heart , but I will share it now with hopes that it might help someone. This was a summer day where I was feeling very severely overworked in an unhealthy work environment where I was routinely complimented but never compensated for my work or talent, having gotten no sleep, getting ready to visit my partner who was in an inpatient facility for his substance abuse on his only visiting day of the week. My phone rang and it was my close childhood friend who was finding it difficult to speak between sobs because she couldn't distract herself from the loss of a boyfriend who was so bad for her. She was having a panic attack. Naturally without ever asking how I was, she told me how she was feeling in a torrent, and asked me if I was free. I wasn't, I said, I was on my way out. She said, while sobbing, she was always curious about these facilities and could she please come along, only to distract her for a little bit? I said "sure", and the moment I said it something washed over me - what was I doing? What was I "keeping up" and "maintaining"? Why was I shouldering so much, and in a way I could no longer make jokes about, so that I could be mildly appreciated by two severely hurt and traumatized people who had no capacity to truly bring peace into my life? I had been garnering so much satisfaction from feeling like the "together one" in social and professional dynamics that I was doing everything by the book, but I felt absolutely deflated. I had gone to the best schools and had the "best" job, but I kept finding myself in relational dynamics where I "succeeded" in healing people. This was during the fifth year of my continuing therapy, and from this point onwards, I was able to slowly develop very healthy professional, social and romantic dynamics moving forward. One of the relationships mentioned above ended, and the other changed very significantly. To anyone out there currently reveling in the sad, wistful pleasure of being "the only one to understand" broken ones, you can heal and find people who will bring peace and not chaos into your lives. To this day I still have that antenna that goes up when I come upon truly special, talented and smart troubled people, but I do not act on the urge to "form a special bond" with them. Every relationship should be equal in its efforts. My best to the community around this channel. Please don't give up!

[@sonyaPsalm27]

Ahhh, subtle demands disguised as little observations.

[@erstwhile3793]

This was the best description I’ve ever experienced for codependency. There were many painful little moments of clarity in here. Anna, you do such a graceful job of delivering the “bad news” while holding a kind and supportive space for the hope and self compassion to enter. I see you as an authentic medicine woman, doing her work in an unusual arena. Thank you!

[@donna4147]

I used codependency to avoid living my own life. Everyone else's life was so much more interesting than mine. It took leaving a narcissist to make me realize that. I had been enabling him so much that when I discovered he was setting me up to go to prison for him (he was committing fraud), I had to rip out my heart and leave. As I walked into my own home right afterward, the weight of my life which I had put on hold to help him with his, hit me hard. BUT, I knew in that moment what it was I had been doing - Avoidance. With help of friends, we began cleaning up MY life. I had accumulated so much junk with "intent" that we made 6 large trailer runs to the dump and began fixing up my house. We painted, made repairs that have been sitting for over 10 years, and now I'm taking the skills I learned during my avoidance time and applying them to starting my own business. At first I procrastinated - I was afraid of being accountable and being a failure. But now, I'm doing it anyways - it's part of living the adventure. My life has become so interesting that everyone tells me I should write a book - and I am. I want to document this adventure for my grandchildren. Thank you for your wise information!

[@SunshineAndStarrs]

WOW! Talk about the hard, ugly truth and tough love. What a freaking eye-opener this is for me, Anna. I need to watch this MANY more times and discuss this more in depth with my therapist. I’m going to look into codependency support groups as well. I realized just a few months ago that my value I place on myself is 100% dependent on being in a relationship. I’m learning to build myself at 54 years old and create my own value and worth. I never had an identity. I’m terrified (mortified!) of the unknown but I’m so ready to be happy and throw away the happy-mask that’s worn daily. I appreciate you more than words can ever, ever say. You are truly amazing for putting yourself out here in this crazy world and I wish the absolute BEST for you and your loved ones. 💖🌟

[@barbaraweatherman5340]

I'm doing the same at age 72! Scary but so freeing. Good luck. We can do it! ❤

[@CedricsMom]

My underwear drawer is on point! LOL. I've spent a small fortune on keeping my teeth great. My truck, though? She needs a bath 😕 2/3 aint so bad.

[@ada5141]

Thank you for such a clear and honest/not "sugar coated" explanation! I've realized that I'm codependent and am working on ways to overcome it, with the main goal being focusing on myself and my healing. My childhood was a bit rough with controlling, hypercritical parents, and you're right- I never was really allowed to be myself, and at 37 Im finally getting to that point where I know more of who I really am. I couldn't understand why I was involved in toxic relationships over and over again until I came to the realization of how I contributed to it. I'm not a victim, as I used to think. There was someone to "fix" so I didn't have to look at my own deficits. This need to be needed is hard to break, much less just to have insight into its existence. Thank you 💝

[@autonomydepthconsciousness7633]

That's interesting how you define codependency as not revealing your needs. This makes sense...thanks! I thought of it as being so reliant on your partner that you don't know how to be or make autonomous decisions.

[@toyahbetheglory2140]

So true about being unwilling to leave someone who doesn't meet our standards. Was only 3 years into the 8.75 year "situationship" when I realized it wasn't working. Just doubled down and tried harder, because leaving after so much investment seemed impossible (sunk cost fallacy). In reality, I was living in a delusion that there was a two way relationship, when there wasn't. It took an affair with his coworker to wake me up. Truth had to hurt me enough to wake up to the fact that I was ignoring myself with the excuse that he and "we" needed more help than I did. That if I focused on the relationship first at my own expense, that that was love in action, I believed. In the start we were both toxic, but over time only one of us was seeking and acting to change. Separating wasn't going to happen until waking up to reality, and seeing how habitual ignoring my own needs was unliveable. We each have value, yet codependents act as if they don't, then want to blame others for the mess we end up in. This is unlearn-able, but it takes grit to develop skills of self-awareness, self-evaluation without harsh criticism or too forgiving a view, etc. Best wishes on our healing journeys.

[@animaladvocate8938]

I don't change people, from my experience they won't change, even when its incredibly unfair and downright rude.

[@cheralynbridges332]

I have never ever seen something that has perfectly described my thoughts as clearly as your video. For the past 17 years I've resented so many people as I thought I was better than them for going above and beyond beyond make them happy, sacrificing my life, I couldn't understand why no one else would do the same back for me. Seeing this has really made me realise that I need to heal myself from codependancy. Thank you for opening my eyes to this. My partner has a lot of mental health issues and we've been together a little under a year now and it's definitely tested me but I'm very slowly getting there. Time, self care and love is definitely what will help ❤

[@Cheptabgaa]

I totally relate to this! I am also the one who resents others for not going above and beyond to make me happy because I'm doing that for them and sacrificing my life and needs for theirs ! Wahhhh such an eye opener for real

[@shoshanas5251]

Wow, thank you for making this video. I watched it with my husband who is a co-dependent. He teared up hearing how he never felt comfortable enough to be himself with almost everyone around him. We both had narc parents & exes but I struggled with insecurity while it was people-pleasing for him. It took a parental leave & 6 months of being at home together to finally look inward. We identified both our brokenness and how our own personal “crux” made our relationship/marriage a struggle. Videos like this one truly helps with diagnosing the prob and being serious with healing. I thought he was “flirting” with co-workers but in turns out he was being inappropriately kind and speaking their language (his office has a flirty culture) in order to fit in. He identified how he doesn’t ever want to be romantically involved with any girl yet he thought he needed to act like most of them in order to be appreciated and keep his job. He is like a chameleon mimicking everyone’s language. It was weird seeing him in action as co-dependent but didn’t see his people-pleasing as red flag for something. He also has underwear issue and always second-guessing his ability. You have no idea how freeing it to understand the man infront of me and all his “flaws” were really bondage. However since we are Christians, we surrender to our Divine Physician and ask Him to heal us and guide us into His truth. So much work to do but some of the practical ways to address the issue is by, first, identifying the problem and, secondly, by being honest with yourself. I love my husband and he is the best thing that happened to me. I feel sad he had a crappy childhood and familial relationship for the most part. But I am committed to praying for him, loving him warts & all, while giving him the space to heal. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@sparkstudies1675]

Best of luck

[@shelbythorne2473]

OMG this truth hurts. TY for giving it to us strait and providing a way out.

[@MindTrip888]

Every interaction we have is a chance for each to learn and grow. A new perspective. A new insight that we see of ourselves in them.

[@MindTrip888]

Sometimes the thing we see in them, is the thing we need to deal with in ourselves. BUT! Its like someone just passed the football to us, and instead of dealing with our own stuff, we catch their's and run with it. And can't stop running as you will get tackled. So the focus is never on you, but always on the next thing, to avoid self, and see it in another.

[@MindTrip888]

In doing self help... to read something that applies to you, but you see it in someone else instead. Oh they could really use this! lol

[@apureenergyme8573]

Most so called empath are actually co dependent people. And they simply can’t see their own problems and very proud that they are empath, it’s like they are supper special. In their delusional definition, this world has only narcissist and empath. They don’t know there is another type of people who called “ healthy or healthier people”, who has good amount of narcissism and good amount of empathy, these people tend to have a good loving relationship life and successful in every area of their life. These people usually would not feel attracted to both narcissist and codependent people / most empath, because they can see sense both of these type of people are not quite right. Healthier minded people are either grow from a healthier family or they have extraordinary strength and intelligence to realize their own problems and willing to really make a change. ( headrest part is really change). Look at those spiritual leaders, most of them came from a messed up background but they are not like most dysfunctional people who just say one way and still do the old ways. People can turn themselves around to really build a new person, are the true god send gifts to this world.

[@clover309]

This is me, I have codependent tendencies and 100% of this video rang true to me. I will work on this because it’s a miserable way to live. Thank you so much

[@abd.3808]

This is absolute GOLD, bang on the money, bang on. I've been thinking about/thinking through these things for some time, watching my dynamics with friends and partners...feeling frustrated as I play it out over and over, the resentment and true sense of anger when others dont "step up", never make the grade and not actually knowing how to stop, how to turn around and just focus on myself. It's been a long time coming to shift this pattern, and of course it's devastating when I think about the wringer I've put people I've loved through that pattern. If you weren't seen, if you were made to focus intensely on your caregiver, on dangerous or desperate surroundings and/or you were criticised and rejected so intensely that you ended up doing that to yourself as an ever evolving pattern into adulthood, the further away you go from seeing the value in your own life, from even knowing how to love yourself better and focus on growing yourself. I think wanting to mitigate danger is also part of it, wanting to control your surroundings to such an extent, that as you say, you don't have to feel or experience difficult emotions and thoughts. I feel a shift and I can't wait to just simply come back to taking care of myself as I experience others as they are and relate according to my limits and values. It will be a lot more fun to not be forcing the world to change! And have fun with myself. Very grateful for this video and putting it into words the you have. Been following you since 2019. Appreciate your work so much, thank you.

[@sparkstudies1675]

This comment really helped me understand better. I feel like I'm discovering things about myself and just the world that I've been so blind to. I feel almost as though I have to build everything from the ground up. This really resonates with me. Thank you for writing it, and I wish you well.

[@KerryNeeds]

You are spot on

[@aaloha2902]

This is so enlightening 🙏🏼💜 After staying single for 15 years, I thought I learned & healed enough to have a healthy relationship. Recently I found out I fell into the same traps of Limerence and codependency. Turned out he only wanted me to be his emotional rock and to be in his bed. He never intended me to meet anyone from his life while he manipulated himself into the home and life of me and my daughter, pretending he was a vulnerable nice guy who was serious about the relationship. I feel so betrayed and am happy to learn more about my CPTSD patterns from CCFAIRY! 🙏🏼💜🌺

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here getting the information you need! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@tomokokotaka1736]

Ouch. I feel attacked. 👀🙅🏻‍♀️ Me 💯💯💯. Thanks for the tough love Anna! ❤️🙌

[@beatrixbrennan1545]

One of your BEST videos, Anna! I've learned so much about codependency over the years and this was such a good insightful reminder to be vigilant in our healing and strive to break free from this pain known as codependency.

[@Dr_Nutrition]

Thank you for helping me ask myself the hard questions & grow into a healthier person - I have struggled so hard in the past & I am really wanting to stand on my own

[@marilynminer677]

Best description of this experience EVER. Thank You Definitely from the childhood, and not truly who I even am.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you enjoyed it! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@doctorofart]

Wow. Just wow. Today most everything you spoke of is exactly where I am. Though I am still a bit confused because there was a lot in there that I could totally relate to for my many year gf, but not at all me. We are both survivors of alcohol and control issues and I believe both traumatized at an early age. It is like whatever messed up effects you listed when combined we would fit like a puzzle piece with minimal crossover. But so much hit home because the last four days showed me some incredible stuff through some brutal events causing me to lose 14lbs in 4 days. Stress. Because of self medicating MJ and having Cannabinoidal Hyoeremisis Syndrome, CPTSD that is still blocked out at 63. I had a severely long trek because of my belief on self care expanding more and more over twenty years. But this is another level for me. I medicated myself to hide from me and my CPTSD and do exactly what you said. It was a hard pill to swallow if not for all the amazing miraculous years of learning that the pot wasn’t the problem, it was I wasn’t taking care of myself or anyone else very well for that matter. A week ago I was 185 at the least and quite fit from positive steps on my blossoming. I am learning why now I have to do the work, my work, for me. Thank you kindly Last night I watched the story of Van Gogh and his story I believe I will mimic in that I 100% believe my best years are still ahead. My life mostly is that of the elder codependent But I have huge hope because this sickness caused me to be able to live and let live. I wish I could explain it, but for now I have a lot of work to do. I finally started putting some food in my system and making good choices about that. Slow, small amounts. Mostly protein and fruit and nuts. Good word to end on (: John Brownwood.

[@anneboulton8717]

Inspiring John!

[@maddi3582]

As always a video that hits the nail on the head; another Tetrus moment! I was raised/'conditioned' to be codepenent by my poor mum, who had equally been raised by her awful, abusive parents to be codepenent. Growing up I just didn't know that I had no right to demand of others the behaviours that had been demanded of me. Forty plus years later although it's been my 'life work' to continue to understand it all, work it out and move on, the grief I have for the past, all those awful behaviours, awful relationships, awful life choices I made can still knock me sideways. As a child I was so talented and bright, and I'm thankful that my analytic mind (I was often shamed and criticised for it, but I doubt I'd be alive without it) was my life raft to survival, but there is still an acute sense of loss, and distrust of my own actions and judgements. I'm sadly "no contact" with my bro because he has (unknowingly) lived a codepenent life (with a manipulative wife) and in the true 'spirit' of our family, expects me to take responsibility for his pain. I am incredibly grateful to finally be in a fortunate position where I have a little financial breathing space, and I have to say Anna, your channel and the CCF courses are supporting me in recalibrating my thinking and behaviours. My future can only be brighter! It has been such a comfort to hear your words, to know it's not just me, I'm not crazy, a 'bad' person or overreacting, that others are also on this path. There is always something positive that can be taken into the future from the most negative situations. Thank you!

[@GnosisMan50]

My niece has been diagnosed with BPD but her therapist lost sight that she she’s also co dependent. Her husband has APD. As her uncle who is the only one in her family that knows all this, I’m at a loss as to how to tell them that their relationship will end up with another bitter fallout as it did before. They’ve been married for 15 years tumultuous years yet they can’t break free even with years of psychotherapy. I can already see another bitter breakup in the horizon and it may be worse than before. I feel so helpless.

[@paxtonlux6698]

Hi Anna. Love the conversations. (feels like i'm in the room with you). Thankyou.

[@ria600]

Wow I was just thinking the same lol.

[@PS-xb9hc]

If you are neglected as a child you don't develop self love, boundaries and self care. Those things will have to be learned. It is not an easy path but it is very liberating. Nobody choses to be codependent but it is definitely our responsability to overcome that. I have learned to walk away from poor situations and people. Set boundaries and speak your mind being assertive. It is about validating our emotions and stop validating others. Evolution is each persons work.Stop seeing people with rosie goggles is super important, if they tell you who they are just believe them. Do not advocate for them

[@teganj9512]

You read my mind, I needed this video so badly today. I just recently ended a pretty codependent relationship and your videos have helped me to not go back to that person. Thank you for all you do!

[@casperinsight3524]

Gr8 video 😎😘 Ty 4 sharing these truths I realized recently that I have a tendency of fixing others in order to somehow fix myself, as if their betterment is somehow dependant on my own betterment, lol So bizarre. I find relationships distract me from mySelf, my purpose, pursuing my goals, my dreams, activities I enjoy, pursuing my hobbies, interests, food prep, sleeping habits, lifestyle choices...I'm learning to stick to my personal boundaries like glue. I'm shifting my focus onto realigning mySelf and not others. I steer my own ship not others...I let others steer their own ship. I'm responsible for my own life, my routine, my to do list. I'm learning how to live interdependent in relationship, reclaiming myself ...I had a pattern of losing mySelf, of stopping prioritizing myself, my needs/wants tend to take a backseat, I see my pattern and I am actively prioritizing overcoming a pattern of Allowing/accepting/silently settling sitting uncomfortably in the backseat of my life, Pattern of sinking back to past conformist behaviour. Minimizing mySelf is a subconscious and conscious ingrained, conditioned behaviour ...I'm learning to prioritize daily mindfulness and re-prioritizing mySelf. How can I permanently overcome losing MySelf, in relationship? Easier said than done it seems to be ongoing , sigh. I tend to be more productive on my own ...living on my own Energy, my timeline/schedule, meeting my own daily needs, prioritizing my Self day to day. I'm easily distracted, always thot it was ADD but now see its compounded with Chronic PTSD since childhood. I'm trying to navigate myself within a healthy relationship, it's unfamiliar, unchartered territory...its a daily effort, ongoing awareness, ongoing shifting from past to present behaviours, accountabilities. I'm not the same person I used to be, I'm a New & Improved version of ME ☯ Cheers

[@truerosie]

I could have written that myself! Thank you for expressing it so well. I get concerned about the line of healthy choice to be alone to do the work vs unhealthy social isolation. Hard to know where the line is, but progress is unfolding.

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

Oh my! As a reforming codependent, I met alot of these traits with the exception of a few but definitely making strides. Self-care and self-introspection has helped tremendously. I am still able to show up for other's but I'm more comfortable letting other's know my limitations. Still have some ways to go and therapy has helped.

[@jeremybruck5402]

As a codependent, my indecisiveness is attributed to the fact that I was required to be all things to all people growing up, and so my existence became overdetermined to the point where I actually became all things to all people and I found that people expected me to cater to them and would not let me go, since I was generating so much utility for them as a punching bag.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Great insight, I hope you're having a new experience now :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@sharonbeers4621]

Thank you for being so real and transparent, I definitely have a lot of these traits and they are exhausting! When I can actually stay intentional and not be codependent it feels so freeing and other times I feel guilty thinking I need to try and change them so they will have a better life. Then I realize I have been triggered by those old unhealthy and unhelpful childhood beliefs. I understand codependency much more clearly after listening to you. xox❤️

[@hipchicagal2111]

Ohhh Anna, thank you! This makes SO much sense!

[@janedunlap3518]

Appreciate this video. Going to CODA meetings has been a great help.

[@vitalosiute]

Never been so called out by a video, hit me right on the head. I very much needed to hear this, thank you for everything that you do!

[@Daytonabeach2022]

When a codependent continuously tries to control me under the guise of being nice it makes me feel: 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

[@pamelatoombs4150]

Anna, your channel continues to help me so much. I relate to this 100%, it's been me. Working at getting better still. Thank you so much for putting out this valuable content!

[@ashleymichelle0713]

I seriously can’t thank you enough for this video. Had no idea what my problem was turns out i’m codependent.

[@Truman77.]

Great video on co dependency. I learned as a child to try and control my environment and keep things safe in a potentially volatile emotionally driven atmosphere. Worked to please and minimise self. So later in 2 marriages, I exhausted myself trying to fix things up/advisor, when they were passive and didn't seem to care. Eventually sapped of energy I pulled back and the relationships fell apart.

[@remissao13]

Anna, you're such a good communicator! I loved today's script, specially the start.

[@danielosmon]

Thank you for this video, I've watched it twice and took notes. You're an inspiration, thank you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wonderful!

[@juliettailor1616]

I know I'm codependent, the lack of self care particularly hits home. I didn't used to be, and don't want to be now, but found myself caught up in a relationship that made me so. I don't know that seeing the potential in others and trying to get them to achieve this is as a fault though. If only someone had done that for me.

[@ohcrikey9560]

Trying to get them to achieve is one thing. Taking it personally when they don't heed your advice is another thing.

[@KyriosHeptagrammaton]

@@ohcrikey9560 Or helping someone who hasn't asked for help.

[@wendyclark387]

You are so brilliantly clear on this issue, and all of the examples you explain of what it is, and how it manifests. Thank you for the deep, broad, clear, and thorough discussion on this. I see myself in some of these things that I was unaware of. Thank you for awakening me/us to these things that I/we can now be aware of to start changing to better ways. ❤

[@kimlec3592]

Trauma bonding. Stockholm Syndrome. Look it up. it describes what happened to a lot of us.

[@illum5928]

I can't believe that you say the things that you say. You're spot on! I appreciate you sharing your work with us so much

[@jp-gy3vh]

Watching your videos is seriously helping me see the truth about myself and my relationship. Thank you!

[@thegreenwoodelf8014]

You are such a force of light CCF ...thank you for everything you do 🙏🏻

[@marinagala1267]

I love your description of self-care Anna. Lots of people say things like spa visits etc and it can be but really it’s CARING for yourself. In whatever you need to feel taken care OF. 👍

[@fiery_aries1293]

Anna you always say the things that are on mind! Thank you. I am myself codependant and i hope to find a way to heal.

[@doloreszombory9415]

After watching this video I realized that, just because I’ve been able to avoid an actual romantic relationship for a very long time, I am still in a codependent relationship with…my job (still seasonal, never a promotion) and certain family members who are extremely needy and take up all of my time and energy. I actually took some time off of work to help them out. But I don’t feel like helping them right now because I would rather watch your video! I have been letting those reality checks pass through my mind and my underwear drawer is decent-I just bought new underwear last month and threw some old stuff out. So there is hope for me. I order my Dad and brother’s groceries online now instead of doing big shopping for them every week. Why should I even shop for them al all? Dad can’t drive anymore and brother won’t. Who else is left? Well, there is the department of health and social services. The world won’t end if I can’t do it. Things won’t fall apart at work if I’m on vacation. There is so much to process here.

[@mindella7812]

This was RIGHT on time ! You are God Sent ! ❤️

[@marinamayo7994]

I really needed to hear this today! Thank you so much!

[@aliciamarana]

I’m so grateful for you and your content.

[@kambrayl]

I'm subscribing purely on the basis of the name of this channel "classic." You are definitely needed.

[@becsingleton7951]

7:15 is so real!! It's masked and we can feel the critical energy. A close friend who influenced me hugely with advice and unsolicited advice would point things out and go "no judgement" or "no criticism, just something I've noticed" and got frustrated when I was like stop