New Trump Nicknames For 2020 Democrats

[@nerdynadine5892]

There's a reason that Stephen Colbert is rich and famous. He is extremely talented. That UNSTOPPABLE APPARATUS BIT was incredible.

[@silverbat5873]

Thank you Colbert for helping to keep us sane since 2016.

[@jamieweis74]

Silver Bat Yes all that whining and crying released your inner feelings in your safe space congratulations!

[@MictheVegan]

“The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.“ -1984

[@proud2bpagan]

You know,I hated that book when I had to read it in my Senior Year Civics class. Had to read Fareinheight 451 as well. When I started college, i went to my library and checked them out. I fell in love with Orwell's take on what our nation would be like by 1984 if we did not change.

[@TheSunflowerGalaxy]

After formally introducing Donald Trump of Idiocracy, I quickly referred to Don + Idiocracy as Don/Idiot as an easy way to save time & words.

[@lindaleelaw5277]

Do door?

[@lindaleelaw5277]

Didiot.

[@brantlambermont1657]

He had one too many Brawndos

[@themanwithnoname4385]

Will bernie be introducing new aged Socialism?

[@themanwithnoname4385]

@Jeff Driscoll so, he called him Tim apple right? Said his name wrong? Is that supposed to make me hate him?

[@marlenesingleton6447]

Better be careful Colbert. Someone from 45's camp might steal that slowed down version of the Tim Apple speech and show it on FOX.

[@Ariels888]

Trumputin traitor pants would just love that! Pretty soon Fox is going to be broadcasting in Russian and Chinese and we the American people will be given generous amounts of subtitles, so that we don't have to master the new master languages! Traitor Trumputin, keeping America stupid again!

[@subtleusername5475]

@quantum jumper and I bet you have proof because everyone is making a big deal about it

[@julianmaissel3660]

I love how Jon sneaks in the chorus from "Scrapple From the Apple" as Stephen is talking about the Tim Apple debacle!!!

[@WillMan51]

Yes! I was scrolling all the way down to see if anyone else noticed that too. Jon batiste is the man

[@gingerdukesymonaoun5290]

Colbert is comedy gold with the news. I tip my hat to you, Sir.

[@couragekarnga8735]

He helps us all stay sane.

[@dontownsend3434]

President Trumps MSM COVERAGE is over 90% negative. The President could cure cancer and the MSM headline would be "TRUMP PUTS DOCTORS OUT OF WORK" ! The President gets no credit or coverage from the Liberal MSM for the following : • Unprecedented improvement in Relations with North Korea avoiding possible Nuclear War. • Personal Confidence in the Economy at a 16 year high • Almost 5 million jobs created since election. • More Americans are now employed than ever recorded before in our history. • Created more than 600,000 manufacturing jobs since the election. • Manufacturing jobs growing at the fastest rate in more than THREE DECADES. • Economic growth last quarter hit 4.2 percent. • New unemployment claims recently hit a 49-year low. • Median household income has hit highest level ever recorded. • African-American unemployment achieved the lowest rate ever recorded. • Hispanic-American unemployment is at the lowest rate ever recorded. • Asian-American unemployment the lowest rate ever recorded. • Women’s unemployment the lowest rate in 65 years. • Youth unemployment hit the lowest rate in nearly half a century. • Lowest unemployment rate ever recorded for Americans without a high school diploma. • Under this Administration, veterans’ unemployment lowest rate in nearly 20 years. • Almost 4 million Americans have been lifted off food stamps since the election. • The Pledge to America’s Workers has resulted in employers committing to train more than 4 million Americans. President Trump is committed to VOCATIONAL education. • 95 percent of U.S. manufacturers are optimistic about the future, the highest ever. • Retail sales surged last month, up another 6 percent over last year. • Signed the biggest package of tax cuts and reforms in history. After tax cuts, over $300 billion poured back in to the U.S. in the first quarter alone. • As a result of our tax bill, small businesses will have the lowest top marginal tax rate in more than 80 years. • Helped win U.S. bid for the 2028 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. • Won U.S.-Mexico-Canada’s united bid for 2026 World Cup. • Opened ANWR and approved Keystone XL and Dakota Access Pipelines. • Record number of regulations eliminated. • Enacted regulatory relief for community banks and credit unions. • Obamacare individual mandate penalty GONE. • This Administration is providing more affordable healthcare options for Americans through association health plans and short-term duration plans. • Last month, the FDA approved more affordable generic drugs than ever before in history. And many drug companies are freezing or reversing planned price increases. • Reformed the Medicare program to stop hospitals from overcharging low-income seniors on their drugs-saving seniors hundreds of millions of dollars this year alone. • Signed Right-To-Try legislation. • Secured $6 billion in NEW funding to fight the opioid epidemic. • Reduced high-dose opioid prescriptions by 16 percent during first year in office. • Signed VA Choice Act and VA Accountability Act, expanded VA telehealth services, walk-in-clinics, and same-day urgent primary and mental health care. • Increased coal exports by 60 percent; U.S. oil production recently reached all-time high. • United States is a net natural gas exporter for the first time since 1957. • Withdrew the United States from the job-killing Paris Climate Accord. • Cancelled the illegal, anti-coal, Clean Power Plan. • Secured record $700 billion in military funding; $716 billion next year. • NATO allies are spending $69 billion more on defense since 2016. • Confirmed more circuit court judges than any other new administration. • Confirmed Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch and Judge Brett Kavanaugh. • Withdrew from the one-sided Iran Deal. • Moved U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem. • Protecting Americans from terrorists with the Travel Ban, upheld by Supreme Court. • Issued Executive Order to keep open Guantanamo Bay. • Concluded a historic U.S.-Mexico/Canada Trade Deal to replace NAFTA. • Reached a breakthrough agreement with the E.U. to increase U.S. exports. • Imposed tariffs on foreign steel and aluminum to protect our national security. • Imposed tariffs on China in response to China’s forced technology transfer, intellectual property theft, and their chronically abusive trade practices. • Net exports are on track to increase by $59 billion this year. • Improved vetting and screening for refugees, and switched focus to overseas resettlement. • Begun BUILDING THE WALL. Republicans want STRONG BORDERS and NO CRIME. Democrats want OPEN BORDERS which equals MASSIVE CRIME ! Fighting back against sanctuary cities. Record arrests at the Border over 200,000 including100,000 Assaults, 80,000 Sex Crimes, and 4,000 murderers . The President created the Victims of Immigration Crime Office. • Recognized Jerusalem as the Capital of Israel • Signed trade deal with China • Rolled back Obama’s Cuba Policy • Reduced White House Payroll • Created Task force to reduce crime • Sending education back to the States • Fixing the Department of Veteran Affairs • Signed Executive Orders to Protect Police Officers, to Promote Energy, To Target Drug Cartels. And To Protect Religious Freedoms • Created Commissions to fight Opioid Addiction and Human Trafficking • Forced China to Reduce Tariffs • Signed ‘Fosta Bill’ Targeting online Sex Trafficking • Signed the Clean Oceans Act into legislation. • Trade Deals signed by President Trump and Vietnam made the U.S. Billions

[@biggtrux]

@@dontownsend3434nd the cow jumped over the moon. Bless your heart.

[@junking7803]

@@biggtrux 🤣🤣🤣

[@knowledgeequips9604]

@@dontownsend3434 Really? 😏🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣 thanks I needed thatl!

[@drd0114]

Trump, in his response to the Tim Apple gaff, reveals exactly his behavior pattern when the news calls out his lies.

[@chickensdone1]

Excellent point.

[@darkmyro]

@@chickensdone1This is the man that was so insecure when his hands were called tiny during the election( or at least when the story was brought up) he had his hands digitally enlarged on the election material.

[@rhodawatkins4516]

Toosoo And he had to make sure and mention that there was "no problem downstairs". I really get the feeling that if some of his crazy supporters had started shouting for him to show it, he'd have wound up pulling it out and waving it around.

[@midwestkatie8068]

@@rhodawatkins4516 Thanks for that, Rhoda. I may never get that image out of my head! 🤯

[@grmpEqweer]

@@rhodawatkins4516 Damn, too bad nobody did, because then he wouldn't be president.

[@evibby]

I was eating breakfast and nearly choked when Stephen said “not everyone has a bible signed by President AAAAAAAA” 😂

[@jesush.cristophe4065]

That actually caught me off guard too!

[@faithhope6891]

Well if you believe in the left you're going to hell

[@jesush.cristophe4065]

@@faithhope6891 Haha what the hell are you talking about? Haha.

[@proinsiascassidy2888]

​@@jesush.cristophe4065 He probably meant the place where the Beast from the Revelations rises from. Why go there though, when it's currently residing in the White House.

[@tmgreen122]

"Is there anything he won't divorce?" His daughter... Eww...

[@markplott4820]

Donald Impregnated Ivanka with Barron.

[@sharonmullins1957]

I shouldn't love this, but I do!

[@priscillajimenez27]

@@markplott4820 Barron is a line we don't cross. 🙅‍♀️

[@pennyhollifield5055]

@@markplott4820 Triple eewww!

[@rara-yp5pq]

@@priscillajimenez27 why not? the Dump crosses every line twice

[@danieldickson8591]

There is a certain appropriateness to Donald Trump's signature looking like a failed polygraph test.

[@dumpthechump1769]

They'll be looking at his polygraph and saying" Is that his signature or is that the actual test?" And "is this part the graph, or is that his signature"? Oh well, he'll be in prison loooooooooooooooonng enough for them to figure it out.

[@ईैं]

haaaaaaaaaa!

[@couragekarnga8735]

He's not even a good liar. I think it's just programmed into whatever serves as his brain.

[@mervynstephens2808]

The Tim Apple does not fall far from the Apple Tree 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@110100111000]

He's on KZbin all day and hasn't replied at you? Odd, as for #DarthPyrite 's "signature" there might be a D in there and maybe you could argue that it has a J, but there's definitely no T anywhere in that squiggle.

[@victorhawkins3461]

Jon -- your nod to SCRAPPLE FROM THE APPLE was marvelous! Thanks for your instincts once again...

[@johnasendorf8409]

So glad I wasn't the only one to notice

[@putikeswarasudarsono]

Jon is an excellent pianist, but not a good sidekick

[@samday6621]

This Presidency has been the slowest train wreck ever!

[@policerthought5649]

@Richard G Lol, pathetic NPSheep

[@MyBullet01]

@Richard G the economy is good because of everything Obama did before he left office Trump just took credit like always the economy is getting fucked and the Dems will have to fixed it again like always no Republican presidency has been good on the economy.

[@peachcakes5342]

@Richard G Trump just got lucky with his timing and took credit. It's because of all the work Obama did digging us out of the recession we were in 10 years ago (which we are more than likely going to fall back into soon). Republican presidencies have never been very great for the economy, their efforts only backfire.

[@joern122]

it feels like it, but considering were this is leading, it is a quite fast train wreck we just did not reach the wrecking part yet. so i think it is more accurate to say: this is a damn long run up for a massive train wreck

[@samday6621]

Richard G , your President prevented 800,000 hard working Americans from being paid in an effort to get his way with building a wall. Why do you think Russia wanted Trump in? I live in an allied country and sadly see Americans fed propaganda. Don’t be afraid to check facts from a variety of sources, or step out of your country and see.✌🏼

[@Andrew-tm3hv]

-Tim Apple -Marillyn Lockheed Well then, I guess we can call Trump: Donald Bankruptcy

[@PatrickJago]

Andrew or Donald Felony

[@Soltice-ty2nf]

@@PatrickJago jajaja jajaja jajaja jajaja

[@disorganizedorg]

"Donald Dickhead" has better alliteration

[@KieshaJ55]

Trump + Convict= Trump Convict to save time

[@sporehux8344]

Ironically calling him Donald Cunt will get you demonitised.

[@myaolpassword]

Tim Cook has less syllables than Tim Apple. So you can't save "time" even if you wanted to tweet a lie about it.

[@phxbillcee]

"Thank you, Tim Apple" "No problem, Donald Collusion!"

[@tommyl.dayandtherunaways820]

He says collusion so much that it might as well be his last name 😂

[@camelsheit_on_the_walls446]

Mr. Trumputrid, trumputrefier of feeble minds.

[@Brickimated]

phxbillcee lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@ledrakula3390]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@sperez98324]

maybe the SDNY can investigate this too 🔎 ⚖

[@earlenewallace8445]

Yes, who are you going to believe? Me, or your lying ears?

[@SpaceCattttt]

I'm not buying this car!

[@mrtruesky6544]

"'Divorced from reality.' Is there anything that he won't divorce?"

[@imbouttae1869]

mrTrueSky is there any original jokes steven colbert *will* come up with?

[@couragedy89]

Nazis racists he definitely won’t divorce with

[@TaurusHere]

He Won't divorce his DUMB, ILLEGAL, STRIPPER SLUT MAIL ORDER BRIDE

[@purrbugaloo]

His autograph looks like a lie detector readout or a seismograph. Maybe he flunked cursive.

[@JUGO1979]

Thanks Stephen Colbert! Just made my night!

[@burtshort9900]

cobert extra funny tonight.

[@jfrigz2294]

He’s not even funny

[@MyrrdinMerlin]

@@jfrigz2294 hahahaha...seriously? Then you do NOT seem to know what funny is. SImply as that :)

[@sandhas1]

@Ann B Yeah, Stephen has that down to an art form :)

[@tonyplow9219]

Julio, Can I get a BUILD THAT WALL? Keep you safe at night!

[@Twitchy_McExorcism]

His ego is SO big and SO fragile that he can't own up to the tiniest, most impartial mistakes.

[@imbouttae1869]

Joe Kherr who? Steven Colbert?

[@Twitchy_McExorcism]

@@imbouttae1869 The one lying to the entire country (as always) about his verbal slip with someone's name and business.

[@imbouttae1869]

Joe Kherr oh, yeah so hillary

[@Twitchy_McExorcism]

@@imbouttae1869 "His" was the first word in my post. Reading comprehension is NOT your strong suit.

[@awsrfyhil]

I’m boutta E ...well done

[@KingOfMadCows]

I'm pretty sure having Trump sign the bible voided its warranty.

[@RCmack]

Trump looks like he doesn't have a legitimate signature. He signs autographs like he can't even write!

[@Womanwithblackdog]

KingOfMadCows I'm surprised they didn't burst into flames!🔥

[@chronobretz9511]

Nah it's fine it just transformed it into a back up satanic bible

[@Lucius1958]

@@RCmack No, he's providing a clue: the truth about the Librul Conspiracy can be found in the Castle Aaaaaagh! 🤣🤣🤣

[@TheRabidWolverine]

You mean it didn't burst into flames?🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@jaimedelgado7529]

Colbert is pure genius. He has made this administration bearable.

[@jenniferayling275]

And won’t be running out of material any time soon it seems😖

[@emilyfouquettehoffman7886]

Jennifer Ayling It’s a double edged sword, isn’t it lol

[@erinelliot4731]

Yes, well, relatively bearable, lol.

[@peka2478]

And even more than bearable for people outside the us ;)

[@jaimedelgado7529]

@@peka2478 which just happens to be my case

[@tahiramehmet7163]

It's not everyday you get your bibles signed by the actual beast from Revelations.

[@glennquagmire744]

@TM: no, Obama is that. He got a Nobel Prize for Peace for not doing anything. I have no respect for the Nobel committee.

[@macylouwho1187]

Glenn Quagmire Obama is that to fuqtard racists. There, I finished your sentence for you with the “truth”, which absolutely escapes Trump and his Trumple Dumpkin supporters who voted for hate and were shocked when they got hate handed right back to them 😂. Karma? You bet.

[@fandomguy8025]

@@glennquagmire744 First off, unlike the Narcissist in Chief, Obama never signed any bibles. Secondly, yes he did do something, he did a lot.

[@almagirimai8931]

more likely one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse's toadies.... trying to big note himself.

[@rebbeshort]

@Professor Liberal Avenger True. Obama gave the Republicans a reason to live again.

[@tommyl.dayandtherunaways820]

Ah yes, Tim Apple. I heard Trump also had conversations with Steve iPhone, Bill Microsoft and General Motors (such a tremendous military man)

[@dumpthechump1769]

@Jeff Driscoll Did he Inspector Fuzz?

[@villehytonen7279]

Looking at that signature, I really wonder if he can actually write his name. You can't recognize one single letter in that signature.

[@sophistanonym1703]

KHAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!!

[@Kelavmeister]

ANANANANANA

[@maggierezac5820]

I was thinking Seismograph! For The Big One...maybe?

[@owencutler229]

To be fair, signatures tend to be pretty weird. For me at least, that's the only thing that gets a pass

[@Kelavmeister]

Owen Cutler I was quoting the Seth Meyer’s joke RE Trump’s signature. My own signature is garbage, but the joke is funny as hell.

[@klissattack]

Promises kept? He promised he wouldn't cut funding to Medicaid and Medicare but that is in his proposed budget

[@maryanneslater9675]

I really hope Democrats hammer him hard on that all the way to 2020. Unfortunately, it may prove that Trump cultists are willing to die for him.

[@jc3m]

@@maryanneslater9675 I think most of us are alright with those folks dying from the consequences of their own choices...but I do worry about the people who never wanted this and will suffer the consequences regardless :-(

[@toddvandell85]

@Mikey Kliss And apparently, since declaring a state of emergency only netted him a measly $8.6 billion for his wall, the new budget includes a provision to get $8.6 billion more for it. He keeps finding new ways to shoehorn more money for the wall. "Wait. He wants $8.6 billion MORE for his wall? I'm shocked. I did NOT see that coming." Said absolutely no one.

[@cyrillgebert5631]

He could've sorted it all out by showing some humor and just laugh about it, but that would've required 1) self-irony or at least some sort of self-reflection as well as 2) actual human emotions. So he rather took the «denial road»...

[@hannahmurray3782]

Cyrill Gebert - and a sense of humour! I agree- opportunity wasted.

[@richardgalvin1725]

It is what I miss about Bush. I disagreed him often, but when he did stupid things he put on that silly face and just make sillier on purpose.And laugh. Bush taught me at the very least I want a President who can laugh at himself.

[@williambrancati6436]

I can't believe you left out the massage parlor joke of having everything well in hand.

[@tommyl.dayandtherunaways820]

Too many jokes for just one monologue I guess 😄

[@caroljomartin3051]

Good one!!!!

[@dumpthechump1769]

Too crass?

[@bunchoffuckingbullshit5482]

Trump doesn't just double down on his lies...he TRIPLE downs!!

[@xmlthegreat]

Donald Trump's signature looks like the radio frequency used to control him from Moscow.....

[@jermanematthews6910]

That why his daddy paid for his education, teachers couldn't read it

[@pennyhollifield5055]

His signature looks exactly like the scribbles a toddler makes the first time he or she is given a crayon & a piece of paper to play with!!

[@Craig496]

LOL!

[@danielmota1095]

that is brilliant

[@judioregan4210]

Yeah, or the results of his lie detector test.

[@kelst75]

You think he can't get any more ridiculous but then.....he does.

[@evaburnz]

an ironic gift that keeps on giving

[@couragekarnga8735]

I never think he can say anything dumber, and then the sun rises.

[@erdemmemisyazici3950]

No, we still didn't see him naked on a horse. To me that's Donald thinking. He still gets to one up Putin, while hanging out with him. *Donald voice*, "He took off his shirt on a horse... I'm completely naked."

[@manxx25]

The funny is funny, but there is also a lot of scary evil shit being done by that administration. The buffoon is a great distraction from the truly fucked policies being pushed and implemented in the background. It is hoped that murricans will see that despite the corruption "on both sides," one side seems to be actively malicious and anti-human. Seriously. The false equivalence hoax is amazing -- the shameless lying and projection is beyond orwellian. Critical thinking and education that can't be dismissed and biased toward any faction is the only effective vaccine I can think of. Without that, we're stuck in either despair apathy inaction or in more of the same ends justifying means constitutional abuse by whatever faction our adolescent-brained rebellious self-destructive core population reflexively supports (because the perceived "opposite" of whatever shitty ideology fucked them last time is mistakenly adopted as the path to muh freedums), will also be serving the same predatory capitalistic corps they have always served. If we can't think critically and don't have a sense of history. . .or at least a grasp on the patterns and methods that repeat throughout recorded history (regardless of implicit and overt spin and framing injected by the 'winners' who recorded it) and a good, strong dose of critical thinking and general skepticism, we'll be stuck in this loop until the end o' days. You simply can't have any of the good bits offered by democratic systems if there is a critical mass of citizens who are manipulated and controlled because they have no context or reasoning skills and thought-hygiene habits to defend against propaganda from any group. I guess we're pretty much fucked then. Fear shuts down the human part of our brains. The subsystems that fill the vacuum are those that are concerned with minute-to-minute survival. Fear has always worked to control populations. Don't get me wrong, social control is needed - like most tools, it is not 'good' or 'bad', but it is almost always abused. Yes, tools influence thinking and problem-framing....so they can be goodish or badish, but are still sort of neutral. . .sort of. . oh shit. . if one only has a hammer....fuck. nevermind. (what have I done?!) Slavery is freedom.

[@vegeta7150]

For real

[@chancegoode173]

Is there no end to Trump and his lies, “ I said Tim Cook Apple really fast”lol

[@margeroe8936]

Still amazed; how could anyone have voted for this pos. He showed how crooked he is long before he ever ran. No one in their right mind would have voted for him! Pence and his entire administration is embarrassingly stupid. Trump lies and they lie to cover for him. His kids are a chip off the old block; liars and crooked as their old man!

[@hannahmurray3782]

chance goode - it’s pathetic isn’t it?

[@ocjmakaveli1]

Yet magas believe him

[@michaeltester2537]

Magas lack brain cells

[@danvorosmarty9854]

@@margeroe8936 They don't mind the lying, they see it as more evidence of awesome he is at playing the game and "winning.". Beyond that too they just don't care to know the objective truth of what he is or what he does--they are profoundly ignorant and driven by fear--Trump represents safety and reassurance that the world really does conform to their childish black and white fantasy where things are simple and there are winners and losers and bad guys and good guys... They want this fantasy in a a priori kind of way-they start with that cart before the horse of actually looking at how he truly is. I always think it's so strange too how they say people "just HATE the president no matter what! Trump derangement syndrome! You people just hate him automatically and don't pay attention to all the good he does.". It's such classic psychological projection... But I always want to ask those people, what exactly is it that we supposedly hate him FOR in the first place? We just randomly decided to hate him for no reason?

[@ajwelsh3191]

To be fair Donnie Bankruptcy has other things on his mind it’s been a tough couple of weeks.

[@reponut12345]

You do realize trump owns hundreds of entities right ? A few going bankrupt isn't bad but because Cnn told you "orange man bad" you will hate him no matter what

[@Tigerkem]

I'm pretty sure he's not referring to a businesses going south, that's the least of his worries. Maybe just maybe it could have something to do with possibility of his impeachment and criminal charges.

[@robin2012ism]

@@reponut12345 listen pally, we don't need a WX man to tell us where from doth the foul wind blows.

[@reponut12345]

@@robin2012ism Russian bot

[@reponut12345]

@@Tigerkem Its not gonna happen, he hasn't broken the law

[@223Drone]

Trying to rationalize a slip up and failing miserably is yet another example of Trump's incompetence and insecurity.

[@couragekarnga8735]

Donald Trump: champion of incels and men with micropenises everywhere.

[@richardmann5049]

Many presidents have done this.

[@beverly719]

@@richardmann5049 yes, that was the point. Other president's that have done this have simply admitted that they messed up....they have not made up ridiculous lies trying to say it wasn't what EVERYONE knows that he said

[@pasion4piano]

Maybe what follows won’t please liberals. So here goes: Bonjour,,,I come from a very productive province of Quebec region called Beauce north of Jackman Maine Our many entrepreneurs do export to the USA large portion of their annual production We have a serious shortage of man power obliging many to recrute southern migrants to fur-fill vacant jobs. Major local companies have started years ago and now growing to buy Americans competitors . Since your president Trump came into power, business have multiplied to record level. I do not understand the purpose of this show neither the attaché comments I’m reading,, For reference, you can look on few of the following companies just to name a few: Canam : structural frame ( new Yankee Stadium and over 40 amphitheater in the U S Boa Franc: residential flooring , winner of prestigious Chicago hardware trading show René fibre glass: supplying hood cabin for various makers of semi truck Vachon bakeries: sub contracting major brand of American brand cup cakes Garage : makers of residential garage doors

[@223Drone]

@@pasion4piano Do you have any evidence to suggest that Trump specifically is responsible for that?

[@JohnJohnson-jj6rh]

Surprised those bibles he signed didn't catch on fire as he was signing them.

[@dungeonfrek]

Before long he'll try to claim he wrote those bibles.

[@faithhope6891]

Not true kids will have to read them in school again 👍🏻😍

[@Svengali764]

Because even Jesus has given up on him. He was like Imma ignore him till 2020.

[@katherinekurzius290]

proof there's no god...

[@davidedwards3361]

Give it time people. Once he gets the photos, he will claim it was just a regular authors book signing.

[@XSPENZIVE]

I just wanna appreciate Jon Batiste for playing Scrapple From the Apple, made me smile going with all these Apple jokes

[@megasakimusic1137]

I'm glad I wasn't the only jazzhead watching!

[@XSPENZIVE]

@@megasakimusic1137 HAHA, I knew it was SFtA because it was absolute hell to play on the trombone!

[@thomassamson-williams4019]

We appreciate what you do very much Stephen Late Show

[@Starkada]

Breaking News: The FBI just raided President Trump's personal library. All 3 books were seized. The president is absolutely furious because.... ...he hadn't finished coloring them yet

[@Nebarus]

Worse, they opened the untouched wrappers on all 3...

[@drunkensailor112]

Old joke

[@TwoMenAndLady]

👏🏽

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

Damnit. It's really late and I'm trying not to laugh out loud. Don't want to wake anyone up. That was funny! 🤫🤭👌

[@janetlelham2816]

Adam Stark 🤣🤣🤣

[@lenkajunova7419]

How enormous and fragile his ego must be...

[@hannahmurray3782]

Lenka Junová - yep. Scary

[@mmcken3354]

really do not believe there is a human there.

[@SpiritLeash]

Hahaha yes so fragile, that's why he has been successful for 40 years in a tough industry and became president right ? It's all controlled anger. You just proof that you are too envious en jealous to admit that Trump is very skilled and disciplined. He wants to make America great, what's wrong with that. All numbers look great and international relationships are better. China is being pressured to be more liberal. GDP is finally up again. Great country, the United States of America.

[@pennyhollifield5055]

@@SpiritLeash He is mentally & emotionally fragile, & his cognitive wiring is skewed, but so, unfortunately, is a large part of the US electorate's, which is one of 2 reasons he is president. The 2nd reason is that he had Putin's help.

[@rara-yp5pq]

@@SpiritLeash that's the danger to this world: the most powerful country is populated by "people" like you....

[@scottmcfadyen293]

We are clearly living in a parallel universe where the good book is allowed to be signed by the most Amoral Creature imaginable !

[@user-lp7qo9cl8w]

well doesnt that book call this? its people will be tricked into thinking a devil is their savior. lines up pretty well with this dimension.

[@capusvacans]

@Richard G You are correct, the total amount of his lies is starting to equal the total amount of lies told by all politicians in history.

[@pdoylemi]

@Richard G Too bad the Bible gives instructions to husbands about how to GET an abortion if your wife is unfaithful, and god ordered his people to "rip open the wombs" of pregnant Samarian women as well as telling them to "dash the little ones on the rocks". In fact, he regularly told his people to kill infants and to stab pregnant women through the belly. If you are going to use THAT book as a standard for good, you've got a real problem, and if you are going to use it to bitch about abortion, then you don't know what is in it.

[@pdoylemi]

@Rebecca Conn Yes it does. It tells men how to get one if they think their wife has been unfaithful. God is pro-choice, just not for women.

[@pdoylemi]

@Richard G Yes - they do. And Trump lies more than any US politician in recorded history by far. It isn't even a contest. Obama's recorded false or misleading statements total less than 100 in 8 years. Trump is already over 8,000.

[@alexlandherr]

I thought “Dead on arrival” was Rand Paul’s 2016 campaign slogan...

[@mojojim6458]

You're confusing Randy Paul with Bernie Sanders.

[@kkonabill95]

@@mojojim6458 Yikes

[@kyuven]

99.9999% of politicians: "I misspoke. Sorry." Donald Trump: *doubles down on the stupid*

[@erdemmemisyazici3950]

He's a genius.

[@timonmyside6591]

For Trump, he’s never wrong and the press are never right; so while defending his comment sounds stupid, better to attack the press than admit a simple mistake and acknowledge the press were correct. His base will see it as him being picked on rather than that he lied……..twice.

[@babycyte]

Shameless

[@kyuven]

@@timonmyside6591 Twice? On this topic alone he's told at least 3 completely unnecessary lies. He could've said NOTHING and people would've just brushed it off. Bush made very similar gaffes. We mocked him when he did, and we moved on. Goddamn SARAH PALIN made gaffes and embraced them. George Bush Sr. went on stage and embraced some of his gaffes as well. I guess we shouldn't expect anything less from the only president in recent memory to get butthurt over their SNL portrayal. The greatest weapon against trump isn't the truth, boos, or yelling. It's laughing at him.

[@chrismurray3224]

RyshuPicchu His base will be “ studied for decades” !! 😂

[@utkarsharyan]

Tim Apple meet Donald J. Bankruptcy

[@markplott4820]

Donald J. Impeachment.

[@kevingao6279]

Lol

[@linusgustafsson2629]

Donald J. Duck. Sometimes the d accidentally sound more like an f.

[@IAmSuzyQ]

@@markplott4820 I can't wait for that name change! 👍 Until then I'll keep calling him Donald Bankrupt. 😉

[@pennyhollifield5055]

@@IAmSuzyQ He is bankrupt in so many ways - let me count them: morally, fiscally, & truthfully bankrupt; also, sense of humor (has none), shame (has none), humility (none), intelligence (not just none - is negative integer area), & sense of decency (none). Just an icky, nasty, old man is Fat Donnie!

[@chikaka2012]

Only a senile narcissist would, instead of laughing at his own slip of the tongue, would invent all kinds of insane excuses for why he really “meant to do that.”

[@jerkasmo]

Earlier it was "I wanted to save time by saying Tim Apple" now it's "I actually said Tim Cook Apple but I said it softly." Trump thinks Americans are all gullible idiots.

[@FreeJulianAssange23]

Sort of like Steven this whole episode.

[@seansweeney8911]

Never have I seen the word senile used in relation to anyone other than Biden

[@debbieday52]

We joke now about 2020. But the very idea that Trump's name is even considered for the next election after all he is probably guilty of committing. It disheartens me that our officials cannot even find the means to take him down. We are pathetic. I am so happy that people like Stephen Colbert will have unending material with which to make us laugh, but I don't think I can laugh for 4 more years.

[@robertpreskop4425]

We definitely cannot afford four more years of this unmitigated disaster as President.

[@zotaninoron3548]

Well, the congressional Republicans have abdicated their constitutional responsibility and put party over country. And Pelosi would rather exploit Trump's existential threat for fund raising into 2020 instead of fulfill her constitutional responsibility to hold the president to account. Its a corrupt system that allows the corrupt to remain. It isn't that we cannot find the means, it is that those with the power and responsibility to do so are uninterested in pursuing such justice and would rather exploit the circumstances for their own ends.

[@rudolfpeterudo3100]

debbi duccini-day You are right about that. You are Pathetic. Your words not mine, could not agree more.

[@johnholmes908]

What is he guilty of, bringing the country back to center after 8 years of Obamas nonesense.

[@annam9047]

We have to get out to vote and get others out to vote, he lost the popular vote last time, we have to make sure he looses the electoral college this time even though I think we need a better system for voting, but I digress

[@NewMessage]

S'ok.... Won't be long before his nickname is 'Inmate 11247'.

[@sheri672]

maybe they'll bring back 'Oz' and make a character of him.

[@RCmack]

Inmate 11247? Is this the number of lies Trump has told since he's taken office? Last week, his lies total rose to more than 9000! He must be lying at an even more rapid rate to be at over 11,200 lies. Meaning he lied 2000 times in just a week!

[@valeriefaabergpitel7356]

Can't we save a bundle by just putting him in the mail addressed to Putin and mark it "Return to Sender"? 😋

[@emilyfouquettehoffman7886]

Yes please!!!!!

[@MsKayla130]

We can only wish! I hear Alcatraz is vacant!

[@WillMan51]

Jon batiste playing some charlie parker lines from 'Scrapple from the Apple' lol

[@TheRogueWolf]

"The Unstoppable Apparatus" would be a pretty good name for a punk band.

[@chancegoode173]

The Rogue Wolf or a sex toy lol 😂

[@mattk6101]

💯

[@benjaminraskin8509]

Can their tour bus run over all the pedophiles in the world, which would be half of the Republicans

[@DoktorSchadenfreude]

Checks Out: Marillyn Lockheed, Tim Apple, Donald Laughingstock...

[@appa609]

Expat Gamers Allan Lockheed

[@fisherking7798]

Or simply Donald Dumb

[@konsextus]

I disagree. It is Donald, middle name Spanky, last name Bonespurs. All together, Donald Spanky Bonespurs.

[@helvetia1978]

Richard Virgin Group:-)

[@SurgeonVault]

Jeff Amazon, Mark Facebook, Tom Myspace

[@patbrennan6572]

the next 600 days will feel like 600 years if we don't get rid of this madman. it's not a joke, we must act fast to remove this disease from society.

[@baruchben-david4196]

Won't happen. The Republican Senate won't vote to remove Trump from office.

[@revinhatol]

*_#ASSASSINATETRUMP_*

[@imbouttae1869]

revin hatol #welcometothefbiwatchlist

[@imbouttae1869]

Baruch Ben-David he has to do something wrong to be impeached, and I don’t think creating jobs and helping our economy is a bad thing

[@SKC193]

I’m boutta E You are the perfect example of a Trump zombie. Because he says something, you believe it, no matter how stupid it is or obviously untrue it is! I guess you are all so lazy & ignorant that you can’t even think for yourselves.

[@eveinaz6517]

".... the Unstoppable Apparatus..." Colbert nailed it! Love You Stephen!!!!

[@writerinprogress]

Now the one thing we're dreaming of is for The Unstoppable Apparatus to hit the Immovable Object - any one will do - really, REALLY hard.

[@davidrumpler5528]

At 4:37 and 5:25 Jon Batiste quotes Charlie Parker's "Scrapple From The Apple".

[@COZYTW]

Why is he trying so hard to not appear like a mistake-leaden guy? He can't even admit a tiny mistake, how are we ever going to get him to admit his actual crimes? Who would vote for a liar like that?

[@toddvandell85]

@COZYTW I believe those that voted for him would be all those silly die-hard Trumptards on the right. They will follow him off the cliff like the blind lemmings they are, straight into the grave with him. They have unshakeable, unwavering faith in the great orange cheeto man.

[@vanimaduray5473]

Stephen on fire! These impersonations are everything and so on point! This show is my absolute sanity =)

[@victorrogeliohernandezmarr2588]

Jon Batiste plays Charlie Parker's Scrapple from the Apple during the Applegate jokes.

[@maggierezac5820]

I missed that, but I did get the Shade he was tossing on Ted Danson & the latest Smirnoff Vodka commercial! With Christina Applegate as a 'National Treasure".

[@Mr.Eternal966]

Man... Colbert very sharp as always... thank for keep us in reality of this madness....

[@richardcutts196]

Anyone who call his wife 'Mother' needs therapy.

[@jermanematthews6910]

Do that mean he want to have sex with his mother

[@markplott4820]

NOT when you Actuually marry your OWN Mother...…...LOL

[@jrburkh]

Pence can EAD, but my grandparents both referred to each other this way. Not sure if it was only later in life, but I'd always just assumed it was just a holdover from saying things like, "go ask your mother." You refer to her that way so frequently, for so long, that it eventually just kind of sticks. That's my theory anyway. Still fun to joke about though. Mother always finds it good for a laugh.

[@bentonxavier5094]

soon he'll be calling his next wife daughter (Ivanka)

[@shantelbowen9739]

Every Puerto Rican calls they're wife or girl mommy. Ur stupid .go Trump 2020 long live the king!

[@mclovin9578]

So...we have a president who is literally teasing us with his nicknames like a reality show cliffhanger. Yeah, that's normal. 🙄

[@luciadelia5607]

I love you Stephen Colbert. You are keeping me from moving to Canada. 💕

[@johnkeith8072]

I concur, Christina Applegate is a national treasure...

[@RCmack]

Many 90's TV icons like Christina are more national treasures than Trump!

[@redxsage]

Yes, she is.

[@JVenger]

Another quality nickname brought to you by President Bankruptcy

[@couragekarnga8735]

And there are still mad people out there who would still vote for him.

[@lorabetht9206]

memnok magee you beat me to it! So I’ll say “individual 1”.

[@dumpthechump1769]

Like, "I like to call her Nancy"? Whatanidiot. Didiot.

[@anhedonicauthor]

Bold of Trump to call Bernie “the Nutty Professor”, considering he probably can’t even spell Professor.

[@imbouttae1869]

Anhedonic Author he’s not the millennial

[@imbouttae1869]

You are

[@jakevoss4917]

Thanks for a great show Stephen CBS.

[@williamcortelyou4524]

I've figured out how to stop the wall. Tell Trump it's running for president as a Democrat. He and all his followers will drop it like a hot coal! Wall/Colbert 2020!

[@couragekarnga8735]

Haha that's actually brilliant!

[@tommyl.dayandtherunaways820]

Yes! The candidate we have all been waiting for! Wall/Colbert 2020, do your duty, Democrats! 😄😅😂

[@RCmack]

Wall/Wheel 2020, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

[@Chas-OTE]

They won't drop coal. They like coal. Excuse me, I meant "clean coal".

[@dumpthechump1769]

@@RCmack That's progress for the Regressive party.

[@rickmurie5861]

In even the smallest and most inconsequential of gaffs the narcissist can't admit error or even just laugh it off. One Sick SOB.

[@Opus313]

Let's save a little time... Donald Inmate

[@shimmeringfairydust3275]

Not happening bcz weak, spineless Dims don’t dare impeach.

[@drd0114]

Nice!

[@adog3129]

@@shimmeringfairydust3275they're working on it, chill.

[@nonyabizness.original]

@@shimmeringfairydust3275 um, impeachment is political- it's getting fired. we don't call people who get fired "inmate". keep up... and best not to be calling folks "dims" when making a dimwit comment. just sayin.

[@nonyabizness.original]

i prefer donny con- good for the current conman, good for the future convict. all good.

[@kingmortz]

"Thanks to" [perfect dramatic pause] "...the Unstoppable Apparatus" LOL!!!

[@norsegoat1408]

LMFAO

[@Tmanaz480]

Should have brought in Mike Meyers.

[@earlofdoncaster5018]

Q: Why did Trump resign? A: He wanted to spend less time with his family.

[@evillyn7895]

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

[@darkmyro]

not sure if that's Albert einstein, but I know he said that "there are two things that are infinite in the universe space and stupidity and I'm not sure about space"

[@evillyn7895]

@@darkmyro The insanity quote is from Albert Einstein. Your Einstein quote is appropriate as well.

[@ericmichels6158]

Surprised trumps hands didn't burst into flames when he touched the bible.

[@margaretsmith756]

I'm surprised the so called Christians who support him haven't burst into flames.

[@couragekarnga8735]

Don't worry. He'll stroke out soon enough.

[@mervynstephens2808]

Richard G Abortion is a choice, if you were a Christian you would know that God gave all people the ability to choose between right and wrong. Which is what separates humans from animals. it right or wrong to abort a child that is a God given choice that the individual makes. So your statement is a wee bit flawed considering the GOP is supported by the Evangelicals and yet they do not understand the very Book they quote on a regular basis. As for Communism, pray tell how does Socialism equate to Communism and what’s with the banning of airplanes. that is the most absurd statement of year, going green does not mean banning airplanes and killing all the cows in the world, that is what Fox News wants you to believe and it looks like they have succeeded. PS think a bit longer before making inane comments.

[@tahiramehmet7163]

They are too small to get any ignition going.

[@hollyb7142]

@Richard G I'm a Jesus follower and very against abortion. But, thankfully I'm blessed with the ability to see the real Trump and the evil division he purposely causes.

[@debbiekaye7880]

I'm not sure who is in denial the worse. My brothers wife or Trump. 😂🤣😂 It's literally that close! 😂

[@talariswatts-el9832]

At this point I'm convinced Trump is just purposely tweeting so Colbert can have material every night.

[@conanthecribber]

The crazy thing is, is that the volume of material provided should convince everyone in the US that Trump is unfit to govern. And yet he enjoys solid support amongst the Republicans. It's as if none of this is real. Trump couldn't be a leader in any other 1st or 2nd world country. Wake up Republicans.

[@crysstoll1191]

“Disparaging? ‘ Ok, who told him that word?

[@baruchben-david4196]

Good point. I missed that.

[@dragonflight2468]

Stephens bond villian voice never fails to make me laugh

[@wendygonzalez2328]

I wonder if the judicial system has a family plan for the Trumps. 😂

[@baruchben-david4196]

Group discount?

[@RhubarbTheBear]

4:35... "Scrapple From The Apple". Nice one, Jon Batiste!

[@ursaltydog]

Really missed out on Trump's new budget for 2020... namely taking money from pensioners pocket for his beating a dead horse Wall..

[@imbouttae1869]

ursaltydog you look like putin with more hair and glasses

[@ursaltydog]

@@imbouttae1869 That's one thing I can't down him for.. he is fairly nice looking for someone his age.. and evil attitude..

[@supermansuperman2948]

HE HASN'T TAKEN ANY MONEY FROM PENSIONERS.

[@ursaltydog]

@@supermansuperman2948 If his 2020 Budget comes to fruition, it will....

[@supermansuperman2948]

URSALTYDOG---------- ENTITLEMENTS ARE ALWAYS GIVEN TO THE BENEFICIARY . A FUND CAN BE DRAWN FROM AS LONG AS ALL BENEFICIARIES RECEIVE THEIR CHECKS . AND, THE CURRENT REQUEST OF 8.6 BILLION ISN'T A RELATIVELY LARGE AMOUNT WHEN E.G. HUD GETS 49 BILLION AND THE MILITARY GETS NEAR 473 BILLION YEARLY. AND ,THIS WALL WILL BE USED FOR THE NATIONAL CRISIS AND WILL BE A PERMANENT STRUCTURE; IT'S NOT JUST FOR ONE YEAR

[@GNM-]

Did you guys see Tim Cook change his Twitter username?

[@eraefimusic]

Let's give a quick shout out to Christina Applegate..

[@RCmack]

Yes, I'd rather have Christina as President than this Trump joker! Jennie Garth and Neve Campbell would also make better Presidents than this orange hair clown! JENNIE GARTH/NEVE CAMPBELL 2020! Trump might call Jennie Garth, Jennie 90210 and Neve Campbell, Neve Party of Five!

[@couragekarnga8735]

I don't even know who she is.

[@felipecarrera9127]

Courage Karnga you are way too young to be awake watching Colbert then

[@felipecarrera9127]

HMQ set adrift on a memory bliss

[@daydoe40s]

That's a reference to the Eric Andre show. Right???

[@ravenken]

The bit with the scene ending in death.... That really did bring me to tears - laughing:-)

Stephen Colbert is a National Hero! There's a fungus among us. Keep calling him out Stephen, keep calling him out!

[@lyndseygolden7546]

fungus actually has a positive impact on the ecosystem please do not speak poorly of its many benefits

[@dumpthechump1769]

@@lyndseygolden7546 Yes, even assholes have a purpose. But not the lump.

[@guyinapandasuit2691]

Donald Trump sounds like a drunk driver trying to get out of a speeding ticket.

[@Thoran666]

And so does his signature. "Could you please sign here Mr. Trump" "Of cause I can and I will. I have invented the signature." *signs with ArrrrrrR*

[@davedee6745]

This guy needs to spend time coming up with policy ideas and not nicknames for people.

[@railspony]

When you have dementia, more time doesn't always mean better ideas. Ronald Reagan had Nancy to write his ideas at the end, they were very close and had shared values and nobody outside the administration noticed at the time. Donald doesn't have anybody like that in his life. Everybody close enough is either an idiot, or he knows not to trust them because of the things he's done to them in the past.

[@baruchben-david4196]

@@railspony I realized Reagan was in trouble when he made a joke about nuking Moscow near a hot mike. That was such a dangerous thing to say as President. It might not have ended well.

[@mickyjagah]

Loving the show from Nairobi, Kenya.

[@robinholbrook6576]

Hi Michael! San Antonio, Texas here! Can’t WAIT till Trump disappears down a New York manhole! But GLAD you like the show! 👍🏼

[@brainflash1]

President Donald Towers and First Lady Melania Mail Order.

[@Sehara]

Malaria Mail Order

[@brainflash1]

@@Sehara Melanarnia NotIvanka.

[@RCmack]

with Robert 'Patriot' Kraft! Should be more like Robert 'Call Girl Lover' Kraft!

[@emfisher8168]

President and First Lady Illegals Or The Don Con

[@wintertrooper7918]

Melanie?!

[@dragoon1090]

Thank you for the laugh Mr Colbert. I needed it.

[@imbouttae1869]

Abby Danger you laughed at steven colbert’s idiocy

[@wongsifu460]

Brilliant as always. The writers of the show are the best on US TV

[@internetpeople6113]

Thank God for the late night shows. Where else can we get fact based news.

[@msann60154]

Because you show can't get it on Fox

[@robertpreskop4425]

Definitely not the corporate media especially Fox and CNN.

[@jetsamperes5762]

"'He who is valiant and pure of spirit... "'...may find the Holy Grail... "'...in the Castle of Aaargh."' What? "The Castle of Aaargh." What is that? He must have died while carving it.

[@gregoryashton]

Little Johnny paper route 😂 I’m dying.

[@Zenocide]

Ok, this is probably one of the funniest clips I've seen of this show lol.

[@mucanan]

i was thinking the same thing. i couldn't stop laughing during the "little johnny paper route" part

[@astrodax2753]

How the hell is this a signature???... When I was 5 and understood what a signature is, mine made more sense than this

[@gusdiiaz935]

I still see people in Donald Trump rallies wearing MAGA hats, proves he hasn’t and can’t MAGA.

[@couragekarnga8735]

Mad, they all are. Stark raving mad.

[@kchiatt2520]

The venues keep getting smaller, and that gives me hope.

[@ianwerden5601]

Good point.

[@tommyl.dayandtherunaways820]

Wasn't it supposed to be "Keep America Great" by now? Is America great again or not? Maybe 2020 is "Make America Great Again, Again"? 😅

[@briankoski2532]

Ohh Diiaz Redhat = HATRED. Nothing good with that headgear.

[@lazyperfectionist1]

"I just thought, why would you lie about that... It doesn't even matter!" Seriously. 🤷

[@jdprettynails]

"We made it through February!" Me, A Brit: *quakes in fear now March 29th looms ever closer*

[@DorotheaStiller]

He does know though that "Cook" only has one syllable and "Apple" has two, right? So it would actually be shorter and save even more time and words to just say "Cook".

[@trnharris]

Lol too much logic for Trump

[@railspony]

Obviously, he said "Tim Apple" as being short for "Tim Cook from Apple," since he knows he needs to plug the guy's company. So far so good. But his narcissism and dementia combined to bungle his defense, and he just made up some unbelievable lies out of reflex. It is normal when people experience mental decline for them to try to stay in their "comfort zone." That's his.

[@trnharris]

@@railspony No, he made a mistake. Not unlike any other gaffe we all make at times and like he has a number of times when speaking. But the narcissism just won't allow him to ever admit to that, and just laugh at himself from time to time.😒 It wasn't a big deal but he had to revive it and lie about it.

[@baruchben-david4196]

Well, what he really said was, "Tim Cook from Apple" but the fake news recorded it wrong just to make him look bad. Of course, he doesn't need fake news to make him look bad, but that's a whole other can of worms.

[@trnharris]

@@baruchben-david4196 I'd love to see the clip, or that part of the clip, where he actually said 'Tim Cook from Apple'

[@robertkeefer1552]

Future generations will look at those Bibles and ponder the question: We never realized Satan does autographs.

[@Bugman541]

Hopefully by then Bibles and other mythical nonsense catering to the plebs of the world will no longer be available.

[@sixstringedthing]

Satan doesn't do autographs. He farms out that tedious task to his low-teir servants.

[@Leocaprio.Dinardo]

Nice one Jon at 4:35 throwing in scrapple from the apple!

[@hikermichael9443]

Donald trumps signature looks like his heart monitor reading after he makes sweet sweet love with his cheeseburder at 11:00 pm.

[@RCmack]

Those hamberders have Trump doing some real strange things!

[@rudolfpeterudo3100]

HikerMichael Jealousy is a curse you just butt hurt that you can not do one like that.