I Don't Have Fingernails Because I Actually Know How to Finger a Woman | No Laugh Newsroom

[@chrismanuel9768]

The man that saved College Humor and kept an employed staff using his own money just drank literal human piss on camera because one of his own employees told him to, and the most shocking thing that happened this episode was Katie laughing three times

[@matthiasbayer3582]

Dude it weren't urine, i doubt he would willingly take a sib if it were in the end xD

[@jsnrvst]

@@matthiasbayer3582 it was urine. He took a sip because he's committed to the bit. (So I was wrong. I know it now. It wasn't urine.)

[@dogekingchris2190]

It was more than likely just apple juice

[@sensudubs4421]

What the heck did I miss? Where did this happen?

[@rebekahnunes8480]

I just came to the comments to find out how ch is still uploading when they were supposedly going out of business a while ago but now I just have more questions 😅

[@BetoFan1998]

Katie struggled not to laugh this round. Grant wins for writing this sketch

[@JustinGrays]

This is a fucking first!

[@acespot1]

I can't remember EVER seeing Katie laugh, or even break her deadpan face!

[@protalghulnist4126]

It has happened at least once before on this show

[@Feelthefelt]

Of COURSE it was a Grant script. The Amanda The Huggankiss 1994 Simpsons reference is Jack Kemp levels of Grant.

[@raysravens52]

She's been struggling the season. The pandemic effects us in many different ways

[@idrisabdullah3492]

Legend has it that Trapp is still riding the high from that “you’re gonna need a bigger board” joke

[@cori742]

dude, i would be riding that for the rest of my LIFE lmao i can't say i blame him at all

[@murmol444]

could you please explain it

[@idrisabdullah3492]

@@murmol444 it’s just a Jaws reference. One of the characters says “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”

[@murmol444]

@@idrisabdullah3492 thanks

[@Duke_Exeter]

@@murmol444 In Jaws, after seeing the shark the first time, one of the characters says "You're gonna need a bigger boat." Erika avoided setting up that same line in response to her plan by using an aircraft carrier rather than the little fishing boat in the movie; yet, as she runs out of room drawing the larger ship Trapp gives a similar line anyway.

[@yosefzanerva806]

Wow! Katie gets not one, not two, but *three* strikes in a single episode. I thought the day would never come. I was actually rooting for Sam here. I thoughtfor a moment that he was going to beat her.

[@rishabhpb]

there was even a 4th that they didn't count

[@davidvondoom2853]

@@rishabhpb yup! I caught that too, at 3:00. I guess they are not used to her laughing, so weren't paying attention.

[@pietr7584]

She's gotta be high right?

[@Ezoogie]

And she had another one uncounted when she was mimicking the fingering

[@whiteelephantproductions8104]

Fucking thought the same

[@PinataFreaks]

"You're gonna need a bigger board" was probably Trapp's proudest moment in comedy.

[@romxxii]

I thought it was killing Pat Cassels

[@kelm102]

Sam was doing amazing the whole time until that moment.

[@dhayes5143]

@@romxxii *Allegedly*

[@MIKIBURGOS]

I don't get why it's that funny, maybe because I'm not english native, could you explain? :)

[@PinataFreaks]

@@MIKIBURGOS It's a reference to the movie Jaws. Upon seeing how big the shark in the movie is, one of the characters says "We're gonna need a bigger boat".

[@wyrmfeast]

"I don't have fingernails cause I actually know how to finger a woman." Erika Ishii ladies and gentlemen (smattering of applause)

[@KayleighMorganMusic]

Fucking perfect moment

[@vmrenadi]

I was going crazy with how bad Katie's demonstration was, so this really got me rolling.

[@kevincleary6073]

"especially the ladies"

[@neothepenguin1257]

They’re so fucking funny

[@the-jeanyus]

That was savage. 😂

[@nira09i]

I can't believe it. No, I refuse to believe it. I'm convinced that katie laughed on purpose, because the team was like "you gotta convince people you're not a sociopath"

[@Blacksheepfilmstar]

I think she was tricked into smoking some jazz cabbage and couldn't hold it in.

[@Daniel-by7cv]

could have been a surprise take and she didnt have chance to seal her mind :P

[@Lucifersfursona]

Why do y’all need to fake lore on people

[@eater_of_garbage_]

sociopathy is actually the more unhinged pathos compared to the more calculating psychopathy

[@DieEineMieze]

@@Blacksheepfilmstar you mean the devil's lettuce?

[@wakeangel2001]

Trapp managed to pull of a perfect zinger with that "bigger board" line, it could not have been written better

[@NickHoad]

He looked like one of the muppets afterwards

[@ericlipton7640]

Oh he was so proud of himself too!!

[@JMSginoclave]

I missed the beat on that one, what's the wordplay?

[@wesleypeck8265]

@@JMSginoclave In Jaws, there's a very famous line "we're gonna need a bigger boat." Hence, Trapp's "you're gonna need a bigger board" was a beautifully timed homage

[@JMSginoclave]

@@wesleypeck8265 Ty!

[@MrTroubleHimself]

I feel like whoever can make Katie laugh deserves a salary bonus that month

[@mr.moviemafia]

That honor would go to Grant O’Brian

[@matthewsmith6057]

@@mr.moviemafia She made herself laugh once and Mike made her laugh once. The only thing that Grant wrote that made her laugh was actually a typo.

[@kahwa_c]

@@matthewsmith6057 grant wrote this sketch is what they mean

[@QuidamByMoonlight]

Yeah, it seems like it take a LOT to make her break! Meanwhile, Amy is her complete opposite. Always a riot watching her leave a 10 minute sketch with -50+!

[@EEEEEEEE]

E‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎

[@greenredblue]

The best part of "you're gonna need a bigger board" was Trapp looking around like a dog at a tennis match.

[@eliasmg9144]

He looks so proud

[@TheGardiner]

That’s some great imagery

[@jonothanthrace1530]

That moment needs to be made into a transparent background animation for meme purposes.

[@yourmomgagsmenut]

The groan of “nooo” from the staff when Katie smelled her fingers got me.

[@sapphirejones7302]

😂😂😂 I had to replay that moment 🤣🤣🤣

[@reedmayhew18]

1:19 🤣🤣🤣

[@DieEineMieze]

She likes it tho ;D

[@Demmrir]

Trapp was so fucking proud of that Jaws joke. And he was right to be.

[@romxxii]

Killed it like Pat Cassels.

[@GZilla311]

@@romxxii ALLEGEDLY.

[@supreme_king_obama1158]

@@GZilla311 I love this cat and mouse game of you two trying to make trap ALLEGEDLY killed trapp jokes.

[@micp4130]

That was fucking golden. I'm not entirely sure how you would go about framing a videoclip, but if it was me I'd totally frame that moment and hang it on my wall for a year.

[@trueaidooo]

It turns out the secret to getting Katie to laugh is just having her come in very tired

[@etcee]

Yeah she really doesn't seem like she's in great shape here.

[@Chazbc]

Yeah... "tired"

[@rav3style]

She looks a bit under the weather

[@malcolmrowe9003]

For whatever reason, she doesn't look well.

[@havesomefaitharthur9020]

Be nice, she has lupus

[@TheFrygar]

Erika confusing "Thick New England Accent" with "Stereotypical European Pirate Accent" is absolutely the best thing about this sketch.

[@leopoldbloom4296]

particularly when you learn that no pirate ever spoke like that

[@d.sm.4146]

I'm sorry, you must not have read the thumbnail

[@TheFrygar]

@@d.sm.4146 wat?

[@talitek]

@@leopoldbloom4296 a lot of historical pirates came from the West Country, since the UK's major port during the golden age of piracy was Bristol. Where some people really did/do talk vaguely like that.

[@leopoldbloom4296]

Places like Bristol and Cornwall were indeed where a lot of pirates came from, that much is true. But the sole reason people talk like they talk when they "talk like a pirate" is because of Robert Newton's caricaturesque take on an already dubious remembrance of that accent.

[@RandomGuy12562]

I find it hilarious that Sam actually drank some urine, but everyone is SHOCKED that Katie giggled thrice.

[@crusatyr1452]

But then he went back for seconds at the end

[@hairsquig8079]

Was it real though? That’s the question.

[@victoriancuddler]

hey @RandomGuy I have a question since you're a youtube member if you could kindly answer please. can you confirm that you get all of their DropOut content if you become a member? Or is it only of a few shows? And is Game Changer included? I would like to watch their new shows (Dirty Laundry and Make Some Noise) when they launch but I don't have the money necessary for a Dropout subscription, however I can swing a KZbin one.

[@RandomGuy12562]

@@victoriancuddler hey, I do get access to all the shows (game changer included) They're just really hard to find in KZbin. They've made playlists for everything so that helps, but still dropouts ui is much much better.

[@jsnrvst]

@@hairsquig8079 There's no reason to believe it was fake.

[@stuartdownes7312]

I can picture Grant giggling to himself as he typed the script.

[@hotelmario510]

Oh my God, Katie actually broke in this one. That might be a first for this show.

[@JustinGrays]

It's amazing! This is wild!

[@AnEphemeralCollation]

At least once before a long time ago but holy shit, right?

[@mranderson9553]

she broke a lot in the beginning right

[@observantalien]

she broke on 2 other episodes but never this many times

[@Wretchrot]

Nah guys she broke in like more than 5 episodes (maybe not all of them are on youtube). I think her maximum is three times in a couple of episodes. I'll soon make a compilation 😂

[@CthulhuOnCam]

I live in constant fear that one day Erika will steal my wife.

[@neodav00001]

And yet, if it ever actually happened, your only reasonable reaction would be "Yeah, okay, that's fair."

[@CthulhuOnCam]

@@neodav00001 Wouldn't be able to blame her in the slightest

[@ross9944]

Well, she actually knows how to finger a woman.

[@csansby1]

Same, and I'm not even married

[@Sonichero151]

@CthulhuOnCam no one can blame her........ she could get literally any woman and every man would just had to sit there and accept the outcome

[@InuYashaboy707]

The way Trapp looked around like a Muppet after telling that "bigger board" joke is so funny

[@cheffy3651]

Sam drinking the urine is Grant getting full payback for the Game Changer where he drank toilet water. Gargle and all

[@jamietodd2560]

Why oh why did Grant drink from the bowl?! Drink from the cistern, it's clean tap water!

[@theOneTrueCactus]

Watching Total Forgiveness was a serious rollercoaster. I'm glad Grant and Ally made up at the end, things looked pretty tense for a bit.

[@obediahpolkinghorniii564]

@@jamietodd2560 He was trying to go viral.

[@PeanutsAssorted]

@@jamietodd2560 He drank from the bowl because that's where he had to drink from to get the points!

[@Jennkath]

I also like the underappreciated bit of Trapp’s name calling him old as revenge for the “Grant has a Mouthful of Water” episode

[@jaysahunter256]

I love that Katie got so offended at the implication that she couldn't please a woman but the two men were completely fine with it

[@irreleverent]

Katie was the one forced to pantomime fingering earlier in the episode. And Erika was giving her an "Oh honey, no," face the whole time, because it was clear she had no idea what she was doing. Sam and Trapp weren't the ones being put on blast there.

[@deworde]

Sam and Trapp have both been married for years, so they're like "No complaints so far, but I'll take tips. Not from Katie though, that looked like a form of torture"

[@BigChungus-gz9vw]

This was funnier than it had any reason to be. Great humor.

[@Draknalor186]

The ones that Grant wrote are always the best

[@Racc_Oon]

College Humor

[@johnyesjustjohn]

Erika always struck me as someone who could scare people - something about her haircut and her eyes and occasionally her sword - but seeing her quail at Katie’s EXCUSE ME makes me realize I should’ve been scared of Katie the whole time.

[@jmlkinc]

Trapp deserved at least one strike during the finger miming. Criminal that he got away with that.

[@teaformoo6932]

I thought that the fingernails line was gonna be the best off the cuff remark, but wow- Trapp's board joke was spectacular. Bravo sir

[@CognizantPsyche]

Man... this is the most I've ever seen Katie struggle and break.

[@Jmcinally94]

People are giving Grant credit for Katie breaking, but really: 1. Laughed when she told Trapp to make up a date story 2. Laughed when Trapp pointed out how it was weird he wouldn't be in the car with her in her date story 3. Laughed when she couldn't read the teleprompter because it was missing the word "to". Maybe you can give him credit for the third one, but it feels like more of an accident. He did facilitate the date discussions though.

[@itisyerdad]

Katie herself is who deserves credit for her breaking. She literally cracked herself up.

[@labelle6683]

The way she said to make up a story about Trapps worst date makes me think she was his worse date.

[@ADavidJohnson]

I thought there were a few more laughs she could have been given.

[@Sandreline]

I knew Erika was going to make a bisexual fingernails joke the moment I saw the chalkboard. 😂

[@jordanfelt5978]

Yeah not like that joke was the title of the video or anything.

[@ViviBuchlaw]

​@@jordanfelt5978but it didnt say who it's from 😂

[@mfsmarineop693]

Sam being the boss means breaking doesn’t count most of the time.

[@Antifrost]

They made him drink piss so it's not all perks :v

[@Chrysalis208]

I noticed that too! He should have gotten atleast 2 more strikes

[@divitu]

​@@Chrysalis208 4 IMO

[@cigimon4]

Trapp always get like 5 free passes too

[@MaxflaxBeeblebrax]

Only the biggest of bosses drinks the urine.

[@cubbance]

Trapp being so pleased with himself over the "bigger board" joke is my new favorite thing.

[@Me-wx1mt]

trapp looking around at everyone after his joke was hilarious

[@Sonen10]

Honestly, the final frame of Sam, mouth wide open, taking another swig of yellow waste is the most ridiculous final frame I've ever seen in any media. And I love it.

[@frankunodostres473]

those improvisation moments are very hard, katie is a genius

[@EF-kk3vh]

um, actually,,,,,,,, Katie laughed at 3:00 while saying "behind the wheel." you can't fool me into thinking you're a robot Katie! You're a real boy!!!!

[@protalghulnist4126]

And at 3:52

[@templar19]

I love how it was the thought of Sam as an outdoor survivalist that pushed Erika over the edge.

[@ChadMourning]

Expected her to sing Wellerman and went with Rolling Down to Old Maui. As a shanty fan, was very pleased.

[@romxxii]

Trapp just killing Erika with that Jaws reference like her name was Pat Cassels.

[@ktoliman]

Allegedly

[@kevinpace6121]

3 breaks for Katie? Wow, marriage has really softened her. So happy for them.

[@EvolutionMeister]

Grant absolutely killing it with these scripts

[@NickyG-NZ]

There are so many great moments in this episode but my favorite has to be Trapp looking around so smug and proud after his Jaws reference

[@jeremybrown2186]

Trapp totally laughed at the fingering motions and it didn't get counted

[@IMatchoNation]

Katie moaning "oh baby" when the urine came out awakened something in me.

[@Sheamu5]

Hahahah

[@RettMikhal]

I hope this doesn't awaken anything inside me.

[@tappy8741]

Dalmatian fetish?

[@mediumsizeddeal]

Facts

[@jauxro]

put it back to sleep

[@mconnaghan]

Congrats to Katie, who has finally reached that point in her career where she realizes she can phone it in and still crush it. Retirement is just a few short decades away. You got this!

[@williamwyant]

Just wanna point out that Katie’s giggle at 3:00 did not get counted

[@ameyab930]

Sam giving survival tips in a suit made me laugh beyond what I had planned for

[@TheOriginalMrAbsurd]

Holy crap Katie is human. Haven't seen her laugh in like 2 years of these.

[@Ani]

KATIE BROKE HOLY SHIT

[@DramaGuyCJM]

Katie's insulted reaction is gold

[@Mad-Slick]

In the history of this show has Katie ever broken 3 times before?

[@Rylee_G]

I think so in an earlier episode but I can't remember which one

[@cristheblob4020]

@@Rylee_G well there has been ones where she has broken but I don't remember her breaking 3 times in the same

[@TheRealSevYT]

What I was _really_ hoping Erika's sea shanty would've been: *The Ruby of the Sea is the best lay ever!*

[@berrybaptiste8783]

I love that we're all rooting for Katie to break but at what cost Holy shiiiii

[@BowChickaHonkHonk1]

at what cost... *thousand yard stare*

[@RJ_Ehlert]

Well, I guess Katie has now laughed 3 times in her life.

[@Sound_Tech]

Lmao, Sam coming on to contest Katie's legendary track record

[@MarriedMule]

The "Oh noo" at 1:22 did me in.

[@DXDragon38]

9:56 Sam's drinking MORE!?

[@Levyathyn]

I was NOT expecting Old Maui, which is not only the shanty I would have picked there, but my favorite sea shanty. Erika continues to be based.

[@rusipotam]

For some reason I feel like Sam sounds just like Brennan when he's trying to read while playing a role

[@natechampchurch]

Remember the episode where they targeted all the jokes at Grant? I think they should do an episode where every single joke is targeted at trying to get Katie to laugh and see if they can get her to be the loser for a first

[@Conimon]

The $1 tip joke sent me 🤣🤣🤣

[@JeffSchall]

Katie is so damned brilliant. Her improv about the bad date that she'd be on with Trapp is simply awesome. She's my favorite of the CH folks. Also, Trapp's throwaway referencing Jaws' "we're gonna need a bigger boat" line was lightning quick. So good.

[@zombiesurviver1000]

No one mentioning whether what Sam drank was actually urine? He went for a second drink at the end there afterall

[@BlastoiseBaller]

He said on discord that it wasn't. I just don't know if I believe him!

[@gregdesouza17]

@@BlastoiseBaller He has also said on his AMA in reddit that he likes lying about these sorts of thing, so yeah...

[@MrKrory]

@Zivojin Limanic It's only illegal if you get caught.

[@VivaLaDnDLogs]

I feel like they surprised Kate and jumped this on her at her absolute worst moment. It's the only explanation for her cracking! THREE TIMES! Also, I love Erika not even trying to keep it together.

[@hello_Blake_Alan]

While she draws a boat… “Your gonna need a bigger board.” That was brilliant!

[@erickbloomquist1620]

"you're gonna need a bigger board" is top 5 improv lines of all time. Killed me

[@blanco__bass]

you can actually watch Trap´s mind mechanism working live to deliver that pun

[@PityMeofDurham]

Thought she would sing Wellerman but Rolling Down to Old Maui it was, which coincidentally was the only one I thought of even though I’ve listened to dozens many times!

[@chadowsrikatemo4494]

Katie broke! and before someone else! My life is complete

[@Prof_Granpuff]

Okay this was hilarious. So proud of Erika for serving us queer moods. If I was in their shoes I would simply show I am queer by singing Don’t Forget Your Old Shipmate.

[@DuncanDisordely]

Love that shanty, mainly from Master and Commander.

[@guiguipop3658]

I was so surprised to hear Old Maui, I was SURE it'd be wellerman

[@lizbethkyo5101]

the funniest part was seeing katie go to her happy place, recover, look at the camera say "unbelieveable"

[@GLidstroem]

"We´re gonna need a bigger board" killed me

[@Bunbiichuffn]

Holy shit Sam fountaining the piss at the end made me w h e e z e This episode is something else

[@muted5ilence]

Can't believe Katie still technically won with least laughs, SAM WAS SO CLOSE But very good episode and script, and congrats Grant with your script The improv was better lol

[@keiferbeaudet7298]

When she smelled her fingers I died! She is my new favorite person on this show. Fucking hilarious 😂

[@jaystechroom]

I would fail so bad at this. They all did great!!

[@gengar2219]

please tell me that was just warmed-up apple juice if not sam deserves a large check from bear grills for even bringing that bit of info into pop culture and then deserves a large group hug

[@mchikos]

Erika saying “we’re just gonna nuke it” got me

[@danielwoo1591]

Trapp was really proud of that bigger board line - as he should be, it was a pretty good line

[@jelanistowers267]

GRANT YOU ABSOLUTE GENIUS YOU GOT HER TO BREAK

[@observantalien]

is this… the best breaking news ep ever?

[@jamiemcgonigle6232]

I don’t know that grant one was pretty good

[@Kazubla]

This is up there in terms of best No Laugh Room episodes. If nothing else, for the fact that someone managed to break Katie 🤣

[@MysterySteve]

Does Katie have any standup bits anywhere? I can't get enough of her

[@zbug84]

That's some A+ pun work at 4:50

[@satoshi_ihsotas]

I really hope that wasn't actual urine because dang someone really took advantage of that situation lmao I hope to get of Sam on this series and more of Katie breaking 🤣

[@JJ-mz4fd]

Katie is such a gift to this world

[@esphawk7913]

This feels like revenge for "true facts about Grant O'Brien" episode

[@joseaguilar3323]

They did a second true facts, it was great.

[@galelugialugia8265]

I know the highlights were sam drinking pee and Katie laughing but Katie's clothing style is pretty on point impo. The sorta sweater, suit jacket and a necklace has that 70s motif and aesthetic that's almost timeless and still very stylish. Imo

[@sesku]

Katie cracked! After all this years it finally happen!

[@theorangenetwork957]

I love the part where EVERYONE knows "Old Maui." That's gotta be one of the best shanties ever, and that singing together was absolutely beautiful. edit: also the part when Erika was going Much Faster than the "Drunken Sailor" accompaniment.

[@Warrigt]

They had to dose Katie to make it fair.

[@mobius273]

2:59 sam asks katie to confirm what her favorite depeche mode song is

[@Rylee_G]

Erika you legend

[@Bee..]

I know exactly the version of that shanty Erika has heard, and I approve

[@DevilboyScooby]

1:03 definitely looked like a smile to me, Katie's lip curled upwards which is more than usual. And 3:00 was definitely a laugh as she was talking, and 3:52. So really, Sam should have won. If you can call drinking piss on camera a victory.

[@stephenbarringer235]

The sudden change in Katie's voice between singing and speaking at 6:02 is astonishing. 🤯😃

[@Psychol-Snooper]

Thank... GOD that was not an actual slate chalkboard! Congrazzles to Katie!

[@Closer2Zero]

Um Actually! Drinking your own unrine is *worse* in a dehydration scenario than drinking sea water as urine is only 95% water while sea water is 96.5% water

[@aidaneyre3430]

You have to think about what that other % is though. For sea water, it's largely salt, which makes you more thirsty. That makes it counterproductive.

[@Closer2Zero]

@@aidaneyre3430 Both are counterproductive and will be less beneficial than not drinking it, 99% of the time

[@alexbalser2304]

Grant deserves the true facts episodes at this point

[@jamieyoung3770]

Thank you Erika. Your comment during the segment both earned you the clickbait title award and cured my priapism

[@passdoutcouchpotatos]

Were going to need a bigger board is excellent

[@andrewrobinson4019]

This gives credence to my theory that Katie has been in her own soundproof recording booth until this episode. That’s why she’s never broken before.