Coming Out to Your Partner? Avoid This Crucial Mistake!

[@mx.lucyfur]

The best summary of this comes from one of the autobiographical accounts of someone's transition that I read. When she came out to her wife at the time, she said, "You don't understand, I've been dealing with this for my whole life!" Her wife replied, "And I've only had five minutes to deal with it!" It really highlights how it's helpful to recognize the partner has their own experience in this as well and needs time to process and feel things out.

[@zotha]

Is there any chance you could look into doing a coming out in the workplace information video?

[@ma-sa1986]

My wife reacted to how you mentioned, when I told her I was struggling with gender dysphoria and I thought I might be transgender, she responded “I had a feeling, I could tell something was going on, I’ve had a feeling that you were for a couple years” but she couldn’t explain how she knew, other than “it was just a feeling”. She ended up being more upset that I was struggling in secret…

[@DRZPHD]

Ahhh yes many have a knowing feeling. Glad to hear she is supportive.

[@ma-sa1986]

@ she is accepting, but unfortunately not supportive. Is that a subject that you can maybe make a video on in the future (or maybe share some advice on)? I’ve been struggling because even though most people in my life accept that I am transgender, but no one is supportive.

[@jrivers242]

I came out to my family this past weekend and it was an immense weight off my shoulders, and they are 100% on board and supportive. I have only just started seeing a therapist and even after just a couple of sessions I knew I had to unburned this weight that I had been carrying for +30 years. I'm in my early 40's now and I'm just so thankful for all the online content creators who have shined a light on how to navigate this journey that I'm about to go on. Also my family is mostly conservative which was partly why it took me so long as I wasn't sure if I would be accepted or not, but in the end love is love and family matters the most.

[@metatechnologist]

Perhaps another word to use other than "unload" would be to say "over-share." Your point is well taken. Maybe another strategy would be to involve "pre-sharing" a few small details thus putting both on the same page about a developing story. Maybe say "Ive decided to change my hairstyle." Dovetails with video "not coming out right away." Another trans came out slowly they started "male-failing" then that increased more and more.

[@davidyoungquist6074]

In my life, I have started over from absolute destruction so many times, I can't do it again. I don't have the courage or strength to do it again. We've been married 26 years. Got two kids, and now a grandson on the way. I have some dear friends I have come out to, but just can't to my family. 😢

[@AriadneCampbell-i3f]

Guilty as charged. I went with the unloading approach and it did not go well. First, I unloaded I was trans, felt something wrong since childhood, and only recently connected the dots. I even unloaded the I don’t know if I am gay pandora’s box. My partner shut down. Second, I later unloaded my name, how I will live in short-term, and when to disclose to kids. It was a complete ambush. Now we both are shutdown and resenting each other. I need a hard reset to hopefully better communicate with my spouse as we live in this new uncertain world. Dr. Z how can I right the ship?

[@gwendolinegoetz9224]

I avoid to discuss transidendity with my family and especially with my wife. Since decades she bought women clothing for me. She chose my two last wigs. For my 6th anniversary of full-time, I presented my voice therapist and my singing teacher, the two very important women in my woman's life. I slowly bring her in my group of friends. She faces the reality that it becomes hard to use he and my birth name (not a dead name) as everyone uses she and my new and official name (changed 5 years ago with her participation). Summary it took time a lot of time count in years. The speed for a transition is different for everyone and this applies to the family, friends and colleagues. For colleagues, it took about 6 months to change the name and a couple of years for she. I'm now an old cow who learned to be patient, very patient.

[@SamanthaKerr-c6u]

This sounds like sound advice that I'd recommend, particularly offloading to a counsellor or friend. For me it all came out in a rush, like a dam bursting. A lifetime of holding it in just overwhelmed my defences when redundancy gave me time to reflect why I eas depressed. Things weren't great before but we're not talking at all about it. Cohabiting, nothing more. She can't be with a woman and I understand.

[@LadyAndreaC]

I wish I had known this when my egg cracked. I did all of these things because I wanted to be honest and 6 months later my wife never came home and left me.

[@nicola3452]

Go back 40 years, no one knows anything, I have a therapist and been depressed a long time. I tell my girlfriend Joe (female) says I think like a girl, she asks what do you think? After some time thinking answer, she is right. To be nice our relationship is rocky, she knows I dislike clothes and especially shoes and take them off, she is totally opposite. Winter comes she hands me a flannel night gown and says maybe you will like this, it is warm. Not much has been said before or after I have worn it. We manage about 10 years she deals with my girlfriends an occasional male, knows I don't want sex with anyone it is OK I am more feminine than her. Next she comes home with estrogen patches and says these may make you feel better. I had no clue they existed but without hesitation put one on and liked how I felt. Agreement was tell no one and present male. After 2000 I figured out how to get hormones, most what I got was gel but any form, the scary was pay and wonder what will come when, to my surprise they always came even if not for a month. I went to other therapists over 20 years, finally one point blank says you are a woman are you ready to deal with that? I thought I was dealing with it, she says but you're depressed all the time. I was taking hormones all the time and finally tell my GF I have to deal with this she says don't care what you do at home but out you must be a guy. My father dies and I tell her I can't die a guy, I tell her PT knows I have breasts, my doctor knows it, others either know or aren't paying attention, my hair is almost waist and wear it in feminine ways, people know. To her agreement is I present male. We discuss changing my name from Nicholas male to Nicola female Therapist signs papers, court order and my Drivers license has sex F I show her. Didn't say I am also changing birth certificate but assumed she knew my DL and should realize I am not going to die a guy. Comes in the mail show her and she says I can't believe you did that, this upset her. Time goes by until tried to buy beer and the guy refuses looking at mt DL to sell it to me, tell her you have to buy it. Then the hospital accuses me of fraud she speaks up and we get past that. On way home I say this isn't working and I get you were an idiot changing your sex. At this time I had not heard about pronouns or non-binary. We decide out of town and medical I present female all is OK except my voice. We decide it must change so I seek surgery after training failed. To sum up this is decades, I have been onto total transitioning since spring 2011 When I say I need sex surgery she says I have expected that but you need to fix your nose more than your genitals. I realize if you suddenly discover you are female you soon want it all. So long ago I didn't think I could be myself, she came around to me. I was doing OK until my dad died, it took some time for her to come around to I had to be me before I died. She came to my rescue so many times and now she is delighted when someone addresses us as you ladies. Be patient with people change acceptance comes slow. Best wishes!

[@vanheerdenseoservices1716]

I am a straight man have been curious and watched some videos about transgender people. Would like to learn more. How can I meet someone to just be friends and learn more

[@AnitaLichtenberg]

I told both my first long-term partners early in the dating process. That sure was unusual at the time (1986 and 1998), but I didn't want it to be a big surprise in case I would start doing something about it But I didn't, in the end. I split up for other reasons after 17 years, then started my coming out

[@HansLemurson]

Pronunciation nitpick! 😀 18:40 "Akin" is pronounced a-KIN. It's the same grammatical form as "asleep", "aware", and "alike". Kin = family, so "akin" is used metaphorically to mean "as family" to say that things are similar or *a*like. Thank you for all your videos, hard work, and good advice.

[@nissutobor9078]

Imo this is all too accurate. I unloaded a lot on my ex wife the night I came out, and I think it really damaged our ability to communicate about it. I feel it closed off a dialogue on her end, and made her feel forced into trying to be supportive and accepting. Which, do her credit... She did try. But I could sense she was uncomfortable, and that kindof put us back in the same dynamic of hiding feelings. By the time I was able to get us a couples counseling apointment a year later... It was too late. idk that this approach would have saved our marriage, but I do think it would have made everything a whole lot easier to get through, because the past year has been hell for both of us. After 13 years together... We basically can't stand to be around each other. Too much resentment has built up, and thats the saddest part for me. I just hope someday we can get past that, and be friends. But IME, this is veru good advice Dr. Z.

[@IlvaLinde]

I made all this mistakes twice with the same partner.

[@jimiwills]

Yeah, I did it the bad way 😞

[@colmonhs]

🙌🙌

[@TatianasWings]

Conservative brother/landlord is not the kind of 'relationship' that you mean. 😊 Problematic, nonetheless. Great advice. Thank you.

[@ceruleanstone]

Sound advice that would have been useful when I told my wife, though it still wouldn't have saved our marriage. In our case, I considered myself gender non-conforming long before I ever met her, and I'd figured out that the only way a long term relationship with a woman could ever work was if she was also gender non-conforming in a complementary way. I was only looking for an unconventional relationship with high degree of gender reversal when I met her, and in many ways that's what we had, so I thought she could handle more. It did not go over well. My mistake was that I'd overestimated her level of self-awareness, her general familiarity with gender issues as a decidedly trans-supportive member of the queer community, and how well she'd been processing the things I'd been sharing about gender from the beginning. In contrast to the other poster, she had no idea of anything possibly going on with me, which surprised me considering the things I'd previously shared, not to mention the many ways I'd always been overtly more femme than her, and she overtly more masc than me.