confessions from a girl with an avoidant attachment style

I feel like the avoidant attachment style is often misunderstood by the broader psychology sphere. It gives a lot of empathy to those with anxious attachment and purposefully stereotypes the avoidant as selfish, manipulative, un-empathetic and flakey. In reality, both attachment styles struggle immensely and both have their own negative traits associated with them. I wanted to highlight what it’s been like for me to deal with relationships being an avoidant.
Hopefully this isn’t misunderstood for anything else than what it is. I’m just speaking about my experiences and from the heart. I don’t think I’m better than anyone and I certainly don’t think I have the answers to life. We’re all a little fucked up, so let’s stop pretending we know more than we actually do.
Thanks for watching :)

[@rex_8618]

I swear to god you're such a real one. I am avoidant style too. It's so rare to find someone speak up about this topic. I struggled with understanding this my entire life but now things are clear to me (sorta). I'm 21 and I've only been in one relationship so far. My ex was the sweetest girl you'll ever meet. I thought I was in love with her but within months, it withered away. I felt uncomfortable spending time with her because all I wanted to do was be alone. And then I broke up with her, and honestly I felt like a monster for hurting her feelings. The problem with me is that I yearn for friendships and relationships, but the moment I have the chance to pursue it, I just can't and I will beat myself up for it. And then I find solace in being alone. It's an absurd never ending loop of never being able to find contentment. At times I wonder if I will die alone? Sometimes it bothers me, and sometimes I couldnt care less.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Oh my god Rex, I can’t even believe you can relate! You’re right, it’s something that doesn’t get talked about the way that it should. I’ve been through that same dichotomy: wanting deep lasting connections, friendships and relationships, but then feeling the need to detach, be alone and run away from it. I still struggle with it to this day. I need to have a space of my own that is away from everyone else just to feel ok. I have a hard time trusting people, even when they give me no reasons not to trust them. I long to feel at peace with others, partners and friends alike. I long to feel certainty and comfortability without feeling like I’m being chained to the ground or like I am losing my identity. It’s that constant absurd never-ending loop. I also beat myself up for it everyday. Thanks for sharing :) You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

[@rex_8618]

@@AnLittleAlex It's almost as if you took the words out of my mouth

[@sashalikesbooks]

I love you guys, crying and laughing)) because I am the one who felt SO MUCH Love for my husband with that feelings and I couldn't understand...

[@sashalikesbooks]

I appreciate your honesty a lot ❤

[@TheModotus]

“Accepting who we are” is not about staying where you are and not working on it. ANY insecure attachment style is based on trauma and fear and all of them experience the same aching in the chest when deeply triggered , although they react differently. Avoidant attachment style values their independence and freedom, this is paradoxical because they rarely choose and commit to a particular person. Anxious on the other side they do commit and over invest till the point of exhaustion. The key to actually heal your attachment style is to start embodying the treats that are part of your opposite, that way you can find balance in the middle.

[@AnLittleAlex]

You’re right, radical acceptance is about accepting yourself BUT being aware of the things you want to change to be a better person while actively working on those things.

[@LosmitosdeDaniellefer]

Thank you for being so open. This is one of the most honest and enlightening avoidant attachment videos I've seen, especially because it's first person. You are aware that you don't want to feel that way and I think that's a huge step. Cheer up Alex!

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you for your comment i appreciate it :)

[@LosmitosdeDaniellefer]

@@AnLittleAlex Thanks to you.

[@majorbloodnok6659]

Thank you, I appreciate your candour. I'm a older man dating a 55 years old, lovely woman who is very Avoidant. I recognise the patterns you describe but from the partner's point of view. I must be the 16th short-term relationship she's had. In addition, shame and trauma have caused real hurt to her. After a few months, I could see beneath her 'front', she has real difficulties. Characterised as selfish, manipulative, un-empathetic and flakey, yes, but, as you demonstrate, there is no malice and Avoidants deserve real compassion. Deep down, she would like to have been married and to have had children neither of which will happen now; that's tragic. I knew enough about attachment styles to give her space and she is making an effort but. although largely Secure, I can feel myself becoming more Anxious. We'll see how it goes but ultimately I may have to walk away to protect myself. Very best wishes, you have a 'hard row to hoe' I wish you well.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m hoping it all works out for you! I’m on the journey to learn how to let go of this fear.

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

I'm 49 and my avoidant gf is 45. After 2 1/2 years, she completely shut down and ran away. Even though I had learned a lot about DA behavior and needing space. I couldn't read her mind and she wouldn't communicate. I could see past the mask, but it still drove me from secure to anxious. Not knowing if I could trust her or if she loved me, even though in my heart I know she loves me very much. The holidays are too overwhelming and how can you be with someone who runs away all the time. I tried to be patient, seriously a lot of patience. In the end, my heart was broken and thrown away like I never existed. The ultra deactivation shut off is something I've never experienced from someone who says they love you one day and gone the next. I understand the back story, but holy hell 🤦‍♂️

[@majorbloodnok6659]

@@CryptoTaurusMoon Thank you for this, I'm sorry you've been through this. I've been through one deactivation; as you say, it's a shattering experience. My gf is trying but my trust has been undermined. The trouble is patience is never enough on it's own.

[@jarrodbryant3242]

Hey Alex, thanks for putting this out here for us anxiously attached people who are in love with an avoidant type. I’ve been in an on/off relationship with an avoidant person for the last few years and we’ve kinda hit a point where we’re just exhausted with the cycle but we still clearly love each other. I’m learning more about this type of relationship with a person who has such different feelings and experiences than myself, even though we’ve both worked extensively in mental health fields for years. It’s a lot different when you’re dealing with another person who you want to build a future together with. Thanks for sharing your experience. 💜

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thanks for sharing! It’s always better to come from a place of understanding and respect. I appreciate your comment and I’m hoping things go well for you :) life is hard, and we’re all just people trying to make things work with what we’ve got.

[@facesx3]

Therapy is NOT BS. If one method didn't work, try another one. I hate to tell you, but if you don't, you will be stuck in this loop for the rest of your life.

[@atlfun08]

This isn’t helpful at all.

[@gregvanpaassen]

Not many therapists are competent. Thais Gibson (Personal Development School here on youtube) accurately and perceptively describes the inner world of avoidants, and offers help. Adam Lane Smith might also help if Thais rubs you the wrong way.

[@cheerbeerification]

Therapy also doesn't work after a few sessions. You have to buy into it and keep doing it until you see results. You wouldn't expect to be an advanced pianist after a few lessons.

[@joshuadudley7111]

@@gregvanpaassenexactly the two I was going to recommend! I’ve learned a lot from both of them, and it’s really helped.

[@Twisterbeast]

I think that you are brave to talk about it. And i will give you grace, as much as I have been on the other side side of the anxious/avoidant, i empathize with your pain. The only one who can free us from all our burdens is God, so maybe society and psychology will never help you as much but Jesus-Christ and resurrected so we can be loved and forgiven. I pray you can find peace in the only real hope there is, and feel loved by Him.

[@pinnymusic]

There’s in innate selfishness built into this problem.

[@LesleySASMR]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m going through the same thing and experiencing the same woes. The doubt and panic are so intense but the loneliness and feeling of being misunderstood is horrendous. I’m searching for a trauma-focused and attachment-informed therapist. I wish you luck and love

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you so much, I’m wishing you luck! It’s a difficult journey for sure.

[@tten8192]

I understand you. I am naturally an avoidant person and would experience those same feelings of anxiety when committing to others, not just in relationships but platonic friendships as well. I also feel incredibly guilty and ashamed of the way I have pushed people who care for me away. It’s true, we are not the majority and life is more difficult for us socially speaking. It’s a constant battle and I’ve had to make intentional choices to counteract the feelings because I realize that as a human my social and romantic needs have to be met. It’s not over for you, it is possible to live with it while balancing healthy relationships.

[@AnLittleAlex]

You're right, i think it might be more of a philosophical problem because I feel the same way in most areas of my life. In my other video where I talk about going back to school, i mention how i struggle to commit to doing one job for the rest of my life too. I think to myself: life is so short, we only have one of it why exactly should I settle and commit? I want to experience all there is to life. That's why it can feel so viscerally painful to commit, because I am sacrificing all the possible lives I could live But you're right human beings NEED others on a fundamental level. That's the contradiction which makes it so confusing for people who don't have this attachment style. Thanks for your insight!

[@health4877]

Hi, I just stumbled on your video and I wanted to say, first of all, thank you for sharing your experience, this is very valuable insight. Secondly, while I wouldn't personally identify as avoidant myself, I can relate to certain feelings and I wanted to bring you an example from my own life that might give you a new perspective. When I was a teenager, I loved the idea of being in a long-term exclusive relationship, but vowed to never get married. I was convinced that marriage was the number 1 cause of breakups. That you could be madly in love with each other ONLY if you had the option to leave at any point. That marriage was just a legally binding contract that robbed people of their freedom, making them resent each other, and therefore should never be pursued. The reason I came to this conclusion was because my parents divorced when I was a small child (obviously a traumatic experience for a kid). They had been together for over a decade, decided to finally settle down and get married, and shortly after their relationship fell apart. Growing up I also saw this happen to several other couples in long term commitments, that all of a sudden would break up after tying the knot. This reinforced my bias that marriage = death of love. But while this seemed like the most logical conclusion at first sight, I was missing quite a few puzzle pieces. The truth is that my parents had ALWAYS had problems. They were immature, incompatible, had different values, they lacked major life and relationship skills (like healthy communication and emotional regulation), but since they grew up with unhealthy models of love, they didn't see all these issues as dealbreakers or as something to seriously work on. They both naively thought that all of these problems would magically go away with marriage and children...and of course, that's NOT how it works! If anything, the problems multiplied and they were finally forced to look at the situation for what it was. And the same goes for all the other couples who get together for superficial reasons. And once I realized all of this, I started to notice that there were actually many couples whose relationships benefited from marriage. That when two people are compatible and emotionally mature and willing to BOTH put in the work (on themselved and the relationship), their connection grows, evolves and deepens. That marriage can create a sense of safety and stability, rather than chaos and entrapment. So, all of this to say...I don't know what exactly is causing you to feel the way you do, but I'd invite you to keep an open mind, as there might be some pieces of information you're missing about you're own situation and the world around you ;)

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you for sharing! I know there are quite a bit of factors from my childhood that have conditioned me to believe what I believe. For me, it’s the opposite. In my culture, once you get married you stay married no matter how miserable you are. I’ve seen countless of miserable men and women stay in relationships lose their sense of self. Their only purpose in life was to serve their partner. That is why I get so anxious over the prospect of getting married. I know that is not the norm, as I’ve seen tons of happy couples as well, but it’s difficult for me to feel certainty in a relationship. We’re all on a journey of self-discovery.

[@Hypex1337]

Being aware of this. You should stop dating and hurting healthy people. Because it's very selfish.

[@pasmetha]

I agree, is it really okay to hurt someone while not feeling like committing to them?

[@gregvanpaassen]

The only people that can be hurt are others with insecure attachment styles, typically anxious-preoccupied. That type expects everyone to give like they do and burns out and then blames the other rather than themselves. APs are equally blind to their need to "fix" themselves as avoidants, if not more so. Secure people are disappointed but bounce back.

[@pasmetha]

@@gregvanpaassen that's a lie. You can literally find stories online where an avoidant made a secure person anxious, or made them use anxious strategies. Secure people aren't gods, they get affected as well

[@joygibbons5482]

Some of us have done that. Well then get dumped on for avoiding relationships and lectured and preached at for not feeling the way others insist we should. We literally can’t win whatever we do.

[@MrBazReviews]

@@pasmetha I think the problem is (having known multiple avoidant people), is they have this unrealistic vision that there is someone out there who is so perfect that their fears will magically disappear and everything will be alright (avoidants do want to be loved deep down, but are scared of it). Of course back in the real world we know this isn't realistic, and this goal isn't achievable (we're all flawed of course) They also seem to like drama, invoking emotions and reactions, and ghosting/silent treatment, and can't seem to talk about things like other people do.. Probably not overly aware they are causing mayhem to the other person. The best way to deal with all this is to not get involved in these exhausting push/pull games, and mirror their own behaviour (if they ignore you then do the same), don't block or send any angry messages, just walk away. They can't stand it when you do this (over time it hits them hard), and perhaps they wake up a bit to how they behave. But the OP is right, if you know you're like this and can't engage in a relationship - don't get involved in one (kind of simple really)

[@corumeach]

Thank you for sharing. It's so rare and valuable that avoidants talk about how they feel and experience the interactions with others. I believe if we listen we can all learn a lot. I was hurt deeply by an avoidant recently because of all you explain here. All of it. I had no idea about avoidant attachment style, I thought there's only bold secure people and shy anxious ones like me. No one told me. This should be taught in school classes 5-7, for real. It fucks up the entire lives of so many people, not knowing how to deal with this. I believe there are ways out, I don't think that therapy or things like meditation are BS. That is still the avoidant / anxious speaking out of us - the part of the brain who wants us to stay in our condition. We have to try and find the right methods and ways to start loving ourselves, not accepting the crap that our caretakers or terrible incidents burned into us. It can be changed and we do not lose ourselves changing, we actually start finding ourselves for the very first time.

[@alexaberlein7790]

Therapy isn't bullshit, but it may not always help. You have to work really very hard at it. I have SEEN how it helps people with avoidant styles, but the core way of interacting may never go away, and it takes real-time awareness not to let it get the better of you. It really IS up to you to engage very deeply with these patterns. The other side of this IS regulating your nervous system. It isn't bullshit to meditate, unless you don't commit to it frequently enough. I respect your openness to share... but don't disregard therapy in one sentence as there may be others on here watching and contemplating their own thoughts on seeking support. One might even argue, that your avoidance is what so easily leads to your dismissal of therapy, because it is a terrifying space which involves facing conflict (the thing you avoid).

[@AnLittleAlex]

I’ve seen it work for a lot of people and I like to be optimistic so every year when I can afford it I try someone new when one doesn’t work out. Ive spent thousands of dollars to be told nothing is wrong with me, and that i should meditate and journal. That’s just my experience. Meditating does help a lot and i do it frequently, but my issue is paying someone an exorbitant amount of money just to be told something so simple seems odd to me. A lot of my issues I’ve dealt with on my own by pushing myself and getting over it myself. My sentence was a bit dramatic but it’s my experience thus far, doesn’t mean I won’t try again and doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else.

[@alexaberlein7790]

@@AnLittleAlex ok I totally hear you now. perhaps the country I am from covers psychology very well with medical aid and so it is accessible for longer term. My idea would be to find a therapist who specialises in attachment theory and to stick it through with the,m. It is possible that you going to different therapists is almost a replication of you seeking different relationships when the going gets tough. And so you may find thats why it doesnt work. obviously I do not know you and I may sound prescriptive. But I hope that helps! I hope you come to a some sort of resolve around it. I know personally how hard it is to experience these dynamics

[@AnLittleAlex]

@@alexaberlein7790 I appreciate your insight, thank you :)

[@alexaberlein7790]

Pleasure! And sorry for initially sounding so nasty, I know we are all just trying to make it in this world. And think its brave to put up a video here to start off with!

[@jenimolloy6152]

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. Honestly..I used to feel/think the same as you and it sounds to basic but there’s something that works when you write your thoughts out. It feels so stupid at first like how can this do anything? Yet..it does. Little by little. It gets your thoughts unjumbled and helps sort your brain a bit. I don’t know if I started my journey more avoidant or what but I’m now 50% secure, 25% anxious, 25% avoidant. My husband was pretty avoidant and coped with drugs. He overdosed two years ago. I miss him. I truly believe there’s hope for all of us, as long as we never give up on ourselves.❤

[@AnLittleAlex]

I am so so sorry for your loss. You're right, I think as long as you never give up, continue to be introspective, and aim to be better, that's all one can hope for this life. Thank you for sharing ❤

[@kjshow4173]

Alex, thank you for sharing. I love my avoidant ex. If she has done nothing else, I've now learned about attachment styles and behaviors because of her. I think about her coming back. I want her to heal. I want you to keep healing. You are worthy of love, peace, grace, love, and forgiveness. We all are.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you so much for your kind words! 🙏 I wish you the best too

[@gregvanpaassen]

As a fellow avoidant, yes, journalling does feel like BS while you are writing. It feels so fake and forced while I am writing. But reading it back months later, it starts to be helpful. Invest in future Alex. There is a germ of truth in the saying "fake it till you make it". The Aussie youtuber struthless has a book "your head is a houseboat" and some videos on how to make journalling work.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thanks for sharing :)

[@lil-5154]

Amazed at how protagonism and u guys play a part…

[@demariarob]

You're very brave to share this Alex. Thank you for the insight. It's helps to understand better. I was recently dating the most amazing girl. She was very into me at the beginning and after a couple of months just ghosted me. We shared a very powerful connection. It really hurt me. I figured out she was avoidant. I tried to connect with her a few times after some NC and eventually was asked to leave her alone. Just before I did I shared how I felt when she disappeared, I blocked her. It gave me so much anxiety not knowing anything I just need to be away right now, I'm usually very secure. Perhaps this is a window into how she's really feeling while she has been stonewalling me. I left things open ended and let her know that I'm open to an apology / friendly conversation down the line after I heal.. I do feel for avoidant attachment styles. I met a few in my life and you're very wonderful people deep deep down. I wish you all the best Alex. Will keep watching.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. I know it’s not the easiest thing to do. I’m wishing you the best!

[@kingofgrazia]

Hey, thank you for sharing. I also have an avoidant attachment style, but if I'm honest it manifests quite differently. It was cool and informative to know there is a range of experience within avoidant attachment. I know you're not looking for advice, but I think you already know in your heart that pursuing relationships for the sake of it isn't for you. So fuck it! If something good takes you by surprise, there's nothing wrong with dipping your toes in and trying it. But you don't owe anyone anything, especially not your time and energy. Do you.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you:)

[@LifeLessons-un9ql]

Hi Alex. You just described my life. I've had an avoidant attachment style since I was a kid, but I did not know what it was. As an adult, I got to have a boyfriend, someone who was so perfect, he was willing to move the world for me, but the fear of commitment started kicking in. I started feeling so imprisoned when honestly he let me do whatever I want. We ended up breaking up. It is so sad. I am always chasing the next thing, the next friendship, the next relationship, the next dollar. I know I don't want to be like that. When there is a little issue within my friendships, I go no contact immediately, and cry every time about it, then seek the next friend. Honestly, I am trying so hard to heal. Will I ever heal? I don't know. I use to think I was the only weird one, but I have found my community here. I am the person who makes people feel the most happy, and the most sad both unintentionally. I don't plan anything like that. I pray every time to change. Thanks for reading my rant

[@AnLittleAlex]

You’re not alone. I’ve been through that same cycle you are describing. Exactly the same it’s like you’re in my mind. You’re not alone. It’s hard, it’s so hard to heal but as long as we are aware and are trying our best to heal that’s all we could ask for. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@SoldierofGod88]

Thanks for replying to my comment on your other video! I feel compelled to interact more now. This was the first one I saw. What got me interested in this video and you was your avoidant attachment. As I said, you remind me of my only ex, not just your face but your way of thinking. I suspect she was anxious avoidant, maybe probably still is. And it got me thinking... (SORRY I RAMBLED INTO A LONG JOURNALING POST BUT I DONT WRITE OFTEN AND THIS HELPED ME ALOT) I've committed myself to my career, to physical excellence and spiritual fulfillment. I'm no stranger to going full force and not looking back as a warrior-minded male. As a result, I've been financially free since I was 31. I've gotten laid early in my life, my mother knew and was afraid I'd get girls pregnant, so she scolded me and drilled it in my head to not "do the thing". My mom was totally an avoidant, using indirect secs ed terms like that, you can imagine what little education I got on relationships. Mind you, my parents are still together to this day, but I grew up to my mom whispering in my ear all the time to not be like my father, aka placing blame on him for how she feels. Your video made me realize I became avoidant with relationships BECAUSE I committed to my mom's misguidance. Im now 35 and my only wish is to commit to a good woman. I've gotten only into 1 relationship at 31 and we broke up after I turned 33. She was mad into me, I asked her if she wants to mother my child, she said yes and I said that's it, im claiming you then. She never wanted kids before meeting me. I felt like I won. She was the best secs I've ever had, yet I cheated on her multiple times, she still doesn't know cuz there's no need to hurt her, so it never became a known symptom of the issue. Being single til 31 made me habitually avoidant with deep intimacy, which my ex also deeply struggled with. She struggled telling me that she was getting bored, and I struggled telling her that wasn't enough secs for me. I wanted it every or other day, she wanted once a week. Tho at the start it was everytime we saw each other. Best I did was tell her I struggled with porn addiction since my teens also (no surprise thanks mom), and I beat it for a short while, but it came back strong cuz I wanted to stop cheating yet not getting enough of her. The breakup was due to a combination of two things: her inability to express negative emotions without placing blame on me, and my inability to contain/neutralize her negative emotions healthily. The issue? When she'd turn down sex, I'd take a moment to zone into focus and get up to go workout. Repeated over time, she got bothered by this making her feel like an appliance I just use at will, and that if she don't feel my approach, I hop to another "pump" activity instead of trying to seduce her another way. She saw it as avoidance! I saw it as not encroaching on her right to her body and yes, I did tell her Im just respecting her answer. Backfired anyway LMAO. I've had suspected her secs was feeling more... mechanical, like just going with the motion. I'd ask her if she's enjoying it, she'd say yes, but it felt insincere. Wish she just said "I feel used", or better, articulate why and how so. She never communicated this directly, I had to figure it out post breakup. I can't read minds, why was she avoiding informing me of her perception? Created so much unnecessary resentment. Her only attempt to air her frustrations was telling me to listen to a sex ed podcaster, with no specific subject or video in mind. I wasn't ashamed of learning how to please her better, but I wasn't going to spend dozens of hours listening to videos to figure out what she's trying to tell me! OR if she wants me to binge it all, tell me that specifically! Its a pleasure to please you better if you'd tell me how. I bought a 3k course (money questionably spent in desperation) to change my bad habit to rationalize her negative emotions (the avoidance behavior she sees) and get her back. She encouraged me, I had some breakthroughs but she lost hope when seeing I became desperate chasing the carrot on the stick. She'd shoot me in the foot also, dropping verbal traps that trigger curiosity just to deny information to find reasons to push me further. Talk about the kettle calling the the pot black, but I can't blame her when she's lacking self awareness in the moment as any human. In any case, I lost hope in myself after that for the first time in a long time. Peered into the abyss, deepest reflection of my life. 2.5 years later I understand all of it. Im also now able to sit in deep negativity and not get lost in it, even control when I want to stop feeling negative, and turning it into positive. I think I'll be able to handle someone else's strong negative emotions much better now and sit with their feelings. She's hopped onto a few guys after me, last I heard she plans on moving this summer to a nearby city with her new guy. I've been considering reaching out, and trying to find a reason why I still think about her and feel like I need to reach out. Telling myself naw, she's good, leave her alone. Majority of population never talk to their ex again. Then again. Im not a majority thinker by far. She's my first and only gf still at 35, not that I haven't gotten laid since. To conclude, your video made me realize why. I'm a committed secure individual, and last I told her I'd come back again when I've truly changed. Im at a point where I can take her negative and turn it into a positive. Im at a point where I've recommitted to excellence in habits, and that means staying true to my words. Im at a point where I truly don't take it personal. Life mirrors your actions. Your actions mirror you. So I've decided I will reach out and let things fall where they may, because whether she does what most avoidants do or not, won't affect my self-worth aka trigger desperation. I want her to be the mother of my children, and I believe our problems were so small we can easily get over it even today. I just also know, if she's still a hard avoidant, that's going to be a slim chance she cares and trusts enough to give me yet, one more chance. I dont think it hurts to try anyway, despite how bad things ended. Would you give an ex you had high hopes for a good life with a chance back if he's able to deal with your distant(avoidant) vibes?

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you so much for your sharing such a deep and engaging personal story. I will try my best to reply as thoroughly and honestly as I can, first by answering your question. I’m currently in a relationship, however, I still harbour a lot of love for one of my ex’s. Not in the romantic way which makes me want to be with them, but in a way where I respect the time we spent together, care for them deeply and hope for the best for them. Regardless of what happened, I do not hold grudges or think of people negatively. I’m the same as you, I make the conscious choice to be positive everyday, and letting go of the idea that people need to be this monolith of perfection. I do that, so people look at me the same way I do them- a human being on this planet doing life for the first and last time. It takes a lot of empathy and courage to let go of our ego’s need to control, I think maybe I went too far by avoiding things, but I’m trying to find a balance. I think avoidants truly do love and desire that close intimacy but as you said, may sometimes struggle to verbally express why and what that means for them. Mostly because it’s something that gets misunderstood constantly. I think what they might want is unconditional acceptance of who they are, but that can only happen if they are completely open and honest with themselves and others. This tacked on with by a partner who does not pressure them or tell them what to do or how to be (a secure partner) can help the avoidant. Love is such a complicated concept, something none of us as humans can agree on what it means. I’m hoping it all works out well for you. People at the end of the day just want to be seen and understood. You can do that while still being aware that you want to change as a person. That’s my goal I think, learning how to love and accept people for how they are while still taking care of my own boundaries at the same time. I don’t judge people for how they live or how I think they should live or the choices they make because I’m no better than them, just like the negative comments are no better than me. We’re all trying our best. On that same coin, I’m also a perfectionist. I’m often very hard on myself, shaming myself until I get “better” without questioning what that actually means. Why do I think I’m worse than other people? How does that affect my self esteem and how I treat others ? What is bad and what is good? Is morality determined by other people? These are all important questions to ask ourselves to get to know ourselves better. Would I go back with my ex if I was single again? Maybe. He doesn’t know all of these struggles I’ve been through so that would depend on if he can accept me for how I am and if I can accept him for how he is. I’m thankful I’m currently with a partner who knows about my avoidance and accepts me for how I am. It definitely makes me less avoidant. Im wishing you luck :) thank you for your comment once again.

[@iampepe7378]

you beautifully described how i feel in serious relationships..thank you. I can understand your frustration with psychotherapy .. i also went to 3 different therapists before finding the current one which im feeling more empowered and comfortable with. As someone said here before its about past trauma and its quite a long process..and its not easy without professional help. Its ok to be cynical i was also at some point and still get bouts of doubt and dread with the process and being quite self analytical myself never helps. I am still figuring out if which insecure attachment i am..i can never be sure if im ambivalent..avoidant or disorganized. I think figuring out or identifying is not the solution its just the start..being also sensitive like you its like we want and need connection and normal relationships and whenever i get in a trauma loop of im a failure and how i get anxious of how people will perceive me when i no longer am in a relationship...also being tired of hiding behind my Persona..i know its social norm but sometimes i really dont know how i should think or behave when im in social settings. Anyways hope you find a way in the end

[@AnLittleAlex]

I totally know what you mean. I wouldn’t say I’m so much cynical as I am just weary. I know such therapists exist, but it takes a lot of resources to find. Thank you for sharing your story :) I’m hoping for joy, peace and acceptance for both of us!

[@Hrazoart]

I don’t blame her for how she feels or how she treated me. She shouldn’t blame me for reacting the way I did and ending it.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Totally agree.

[@ericadarby3622]

I'm disorganized/fearful avoidant so I can totally relate to avoidance. Dude fuck what's "normal" like what the fuck is normal, ya know? Someone once told me, "you're only as sick as your secrets" and idk. The pain does eat away at you. From the inside out. Like you start rotting, molding on the inside. Im no therapist but from everything I've experienced in my own life, my own inner turmoil, and what I've learned from it is that #1 you are not fucked up. Far from it. You're HONEST. And quite frankly, brave af for posting this. #2 try to give yourself more credit, alot of those thoughts are just anxiety conditioned responses to outside stimuli. Clearly you have a lot of mental stamina. You overthink. Probably your nature and those thoughts are just that. Thoughts. YOU are the observer of the thoughts, ya know? You're a soul. Maybe avoiding identifying too much with the thoughts as representations of your identity would be helpful. It's called detachment. #3 I'm gonna contradict myself here from #2 but man, fuck people unsolicited opinions on how they think you should live. It's literally insulting at times. It's one thing to speak for oneself but for a person to impose their judgment on what you're doing wrong or right is completely relative to THEIR experience. They haven't walked a day in your shoes. They aren't you, they couldn't possibly know what's best for you or your life. People who have those limited beliefs about how people "should" be and decide to project that onto others around them "should" like stfu, ya know ? Haha. You're exactly who you are, where you are, and how you are right now, in time, because that is how it's supposed to be. Or else it just wouldn't be that way. Okay? You're right on time. You're not broken, you don't need to be "fixed". So.. TRUST yourself . Trust your timing. Trust your heart. If something isn't right, your heart knows. There's a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is healthy. Guilt teaches you morals. Humility. Integrity. Forgiveness. Shame is imposed on you from the outside. Shame is what keeps you stuck in karmic loops, self sabotage. Right ? It's fuckin stupid. Ugh I could go on but Im gonna wrap this up with #4. So from what I've realized about my avoidant tendencies, it has ALOT to do with my nervous system. Cause it's mind, body, spirit. So like, I never date but my last serious relationship was intense. And about 6 months in I started getting that anxiety you're talking about. But it wasn't the settling down part. For me it was loosing my identity. Becoming codependent. Giving my person the power to hurt me very deeply because that's what I thought love was. Feeling like, I knew I could survive without him but I wouldn't want to. Like I wouldn't know how to actually live because he was my source of happiness. And in that dynamic with him I was back and forth as a disorganized person Is but more so anxious bc he was very avoidant. So on his side, I think the pressure and the weight of being someone else's (me,) source of happiness and feeling of "completeness" is suffocating. Which made him more avoidant. So it goes both ways. That merging of identities is like a loss of freedom bc you start to rely on them. I think maybe with you their is a inability to fully feel your emotions , maybe? Not cognitively but maybe physically. Like when ever you start to become too close, too vulnerable, too emotionally triggered by someone, is that when you run? Cause I do that. Alot when I'm single. It took me a long time to even cry Infront of an adult. I think I was probably 16 and it was my group home therapist. But idk, I can only speak for me but there is something deep in me that is angry, and sad at the way I've learned to regulate my emotions and also scared to feel then sometimes because they feel too intense. They feel too painful, too overwhelming. And then it becomes anxiety. Like you're dying because it's an infinite existential doom loop because my body has not been trained or educated on what feelings are, how to recognize them, how to process and regulate. So it freaks out because when I would express them as a young adult, young teen, it was bad. For me and for others. Emotions felt dangerous. Because it was too much and I felt out of control and powerless. And to me, love means freedom. So to try to control and have power over what my heart does, how it feels, is not really up to me. No matter how hard my subconscious tries to control shit and set me up to fail just to reaffirm my own fears. I remember last year I was taking a shower and idk why this happened and why at that specific moment but I just started crying and hugging myself and talking out loud as if I was my kid self. And all these inadequate feelings came up, fears, insecurities. And when I got out I out a towel on and slid down the wall and hugged myself again and just kept saying "you're allowed to feel your feelings. Your feelings are valid. They're real. And you're safe. " And that was directed at my body. Like I had to tell it that it was safe to feel. And safe to not feel good. Because I'm not in control of my heart, but I am in control of my mind. And I just kept affirming that it was okay to be me, basically. But yeah, sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading it if you do and thank you for posting the video. Truly inspired by you. Hug and tell the little Alex she's fucking valid and deserves to feel free of worry and guilt and hold her hand reminding her that to love someone isn't to give away her personal power, it's to give up the power of control. Hope any of that is useful for you girl.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Ughhhhh giiiirll, holy shit your comment speaks to me!! Thank you for being so candid, seriously. Everything you said I totally totally agree with on a whole other level. It is so hard to detach ourselves from our thoughts, logically I know I am not my thoughts but man is it so hard to look at them from the observers POV. I know it comes with practicing mindfulness. I can see what you mean about being too afraid to be vulnerable. I feel that way too, I think in a different way though. I’m super open with who I am with everyone, I like people to know exactly who they’re dealing with, but often people still feel like they don’t know me. Even on here my goal is to be as honest and authentic as possible, to talk about the feelings and emotions that are difficult to communicate, even for me. My problem is that to be vulnerable is to sacrifice my freedom for the sake of someone else. That is the thing that drives me insane. It’s tough, super super tough. It’s interesting to think about how people go through their lives so differently. And seriously, like fuck what is normal. We’re all a little fucked.

[@ericadarby3622]

It is hard. Especially when your emotions are intense. I think when I get triggered emotionally it's takes so much time to realize that I am not that moment or my emotions or my thoughts. But it feels so true. It's just how we decide to think about it. Every battery has a positive and a negative but the battery itself is just something that powers a tool that I need. Isn't all good or all bad, just is what it is. And I guess that's where the intention and whatever I use it for makes up what my life becomes. Ugh. Either way, there's always an underlying devastation yet liberation in the fact that my life is up to me. It doesn't feel like, an emptiness but more like .. my hearts beating and it seems for all the things that want it to die. I'd like to think I chose this life, chose to live it as I am and it's for some purpose but at the end of the day it feels like I always stay the same and time moves around me.

[@johnhatch2519]

Little Alex, thank you so much for sharing this obviously sincere and deeply personal story. I can relate to it because I have been seeing a girl who I think is an avoidant personality. I feel very deeply for her and I believe that she feel for me also, but she has been very clear about her need for her freedom. To me, this sounds strange but after seeing your "confession" and loving her as I do, I can only give her her freedom, accept her as she is and respect her way of life. It hurts me to think that we could have had so much together but if she feels the pain that you describe when she thinks about becoming attached to me then I have no choice but to swallow my own sense of loss so that she doesn't have to live in a psychic prison.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think the biggest problem is that people with avoidant attachments actually do crave and want that deep intimacy. They are capable of love, but it often feels severely overwhelming for them. This is because we crave some sort of control and oftentimes people, especially those who are anxiously attached, overwhelm the avoidant. I’m not sure what the solution is, as I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re on to something. It’s about giving space to the avoidant and accepting them for who they are completely and wholeheartedly. If you do not force yourself onto them and they love you, they will consistently choose you. But of course, do not sacrifice your own boundaries and what you are willing to accept. It’s a balancing act.

[@johnhatch2519]

@@AnLittleAlex Everyone, all humans and all creatures, I think, have a need for connection. I believe it is one of the deepest and most satisfying experiences we can have as sentient life forms. But we must all make our own way in this world so I won't preach to you or try to influence your decisions. Regarding one point you mention in your video: I do want to say that all therapy is not the same and all therapists are not the same. It often takes a couple of tries before you find the right therapist for you. If you truly want to progress beyond your current state, then perhaps you should give it, (therapy), at least one more try. I wish us both peace and that we may find what we truly need and want whatever it may be. And thanks again for opening yourself up like that in your video.

[@sheskeila6671]

Thanks for this ❤

[@AnLittleAlex]

:)

[@olgabeatriz6116]

Hi, I'm Olga from Brazil! First of all, tank you for sharing whats going on whit u, sencodly, I just would liked to say that you're not alone! I feel the exactly same way. I'm 22 and i never had a real relationship, cause i always get scared and anxious. I've met increrible people, but i always pushed them away, cause i dont know how to deal with my feeling, it all seams like too much. I'm on therapy, and even though i'm improving in some ways, i still feel stuck on the relationship side. But, i really think it is a process that takes time, so dont give up.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you for sharing, I’m wishing you luck on your journey! It does take time and as long and we work on it to better ourselves that’s all that matters :)

[@JE335]

Everything you mentioned here is my current girl, as of now, my ex. For the past 5 years, I have been dealing with this type of relationship, me being the anxious one, while she is the avoidant. I appreciate this video a lot, it seemed to open up my mind more on it and also just started therapy a week ago. I always thought it was a me thing, but I’m understanding it as more of a we thing now. I really hate going through this feeling yearly, but now that I’m educated on it, I can completely understand why this has been happening for a while and I just feel terrible for people like her and you to go through it. I don’t want to let her go, but she will always come back home to me. Now that I understand this whole attachment theory, I’m willing to put in the work, but at the end of the day, I’m hoping she would too. Thank you for your point of view Alex. I would definitely love to communicate with you sometime to understand better. I hope everything is going well! ❤

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you for sharing your story and for taking the time to understand my perspective. I’m wishing you luck :)

[@MrLevels501]

I was wondering if the woman that I love is because I been a good boyfriend but then she avoids really expressing her feelings to me but say she admires me and say I’m good boyfriend but go distance with and really doesn’t open up with especially when I have deep questions

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

Little Alex, i understand from firsthand experience. My ex gf was extremely DA and it is extremely saddening to know and love, but the outcome is devastating.. There is a Adam Lane Smith who gets into the biochemistry of avoidance and maybe that will be a good therapist to look into. Ken Reid is alao well versed in avoidants. Thank you for your video. I want to show it to my ex, but it may push her even further away 😢

[@matthewnorris203]

I get it.. the pain in the chest at the idea of something being permanent.. yeah, makes sense. I found a lot of understanding from the book ‘Boundaries’ by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. When other violate our boundaries, we begin to guard our freedom heavily, thus the avoidant tendency.

[@nerd26373]

Can relate to what you're articulating. Not really the type to give affection. It's just not who I am, personally. I'm on a more standoffish side, and that's really putting people on edge.

[@sashalikesbooks]

Why are you smiling, girl? I'm crying right now! I hope you're not the therapist who's decided to pretend an AA person so to heal AA's partners)) Because it works) I appreciate your awareness.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Gurlll trust me I’ve had my fair share of crying sessions 😭

[@sashalikesbooks]

​@@AnLittleAlex​​ I wish you the courage to be open and accepting love 💕 I know, maybe you are young to hear it, but God is the best teacher for that. Please, open the book)

[@juliangilbert5465]

I'm a secure (I think) attachment style, trying to understand an avoidant. Would it work if your partner just didn't push for any commitment, but was faithful, could a relationship work like that?

[@AnLittleAlex]

Hmm, good question. I think the avoidant needs to work on themselves. If they ought to be in a relationship, it should be with someone who has a secure attachment. The person that is secure won’t exhibit the need to control the avoidant like those with an anxious attachment do. They’ll know that the actions of the avoidant aren’t personal to them. In my experience, someone who is anxiously attached just ends up pushing away the avoidant, their energies combined create this codependency. You might be right in that case.

[@juliangilbert5465]

@@AnLittleAlex Yes, I'm pretty secure I think, but the problem is people simply don't know about avoidance attachment style. Im pretty well read but I knew nothing of it until recently, and most advice online is therapists talking, which to be honest isn't that useful. Now I understand the behaviours are not personal to the partner, just a difference in style. It's why it's important people like you explain it from a first person perspective. Well done. 👍🙂

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

I'm secure as well, but an avoidant woman will make you question your reality and reflection of worth in their mind. It takes a Lot of patience and trust to not become anxious. Good Luck!

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

You said you were embarrassed...and then edited out some truth. Did you cheat? Im curious if that was your truth

[@AnLittleAlex]

No, but I would catch feelings for other people while in a relationship, then break up with my partner and go with them because of the stress of serious commitment. I feel extreme shame for my behaviour.

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

​@AnLittleAlex thanks for your honesty. You remind me of my DA gf and I'm still at a loss for why she would leave a great connection even though I see it all and understand your plight.

[@hotnest1012]

I want to add that it is possible to heal your insecure attachment and grow to be more secure. I was anxious/avoidant and I worked on it to become secure. It’s not easy, but if you want it, you’re capable of doing the work to heal. What you feel isn’t really abnormal, it’s a normal result of things you’ve experienced in childhood. I hope you can be encouraged to keep trying to get to a secure place.

[@joshuadudley7111]

Knowing and accepting that you have an avoidant attachment style is a huge first step. Avoidants typically have a very hard time facing and accepting it, but you need to before you can heal. So you’ve already taken a big first step. There is hope. I’d recommend the Personal Development School, but I also recently saw this video, and it was really helpful too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aHeth514hL6kbsksi=t7Il-IrRGz5PikLz

[@BruceJC75]

The saddest thing about it is that avoidants will commit to someone who is toxic and emotionally unavailable. That was the case with my recent ex and her emotionally abusive ex husband. Worst heartbreak I’ve ever been through. The trauma she endured with him only made her more avoidant. The fact that I understand how she hurts, and wants to love and be loved, only makes my heartbreak worse.

[@AnLittleAlex]

I’m so sorry for your heartbreak, and thank you for sharing your story.

[@atlfun08]

This is what I’m experiencing as well. My avoidance is at peak. I’m with you that therapy is BS too. It’s boring. I have high self esteem…don’t get it from external. ❤❤❤❤❤

[@sukitha001]

And you are not fucked up. May you find the love you seek

[@feynou]

What annoys me with Avoidant is that they talk about their partners like they're disposable. Like “I was with this person and then this and this,” etc Each one of those people is a broken heart and a person you broke and discarded. An entire world. Not just a number or a “partner” BPD is a very serious mental illness

[@AnLittleAlex]

The reason I made this video is because I feel very shameful for hurting people. In fact it haunts me. I was very honest about that in my video. I’m sorry your experiences with avoidants has warranted you to project onto a total stranger but I urge you to be more careful with misdiagnosing strangers and people you don’t know online. It’s dangerous and takes away from the people who are actually diagnosed with BPD who are looking to get help. Godspeed :)

[@feynou]

@@AnLittleAlex It’s not just my experience; I've read thousands of accounts from people who have been through the same thing. Sweeping the damage you cause under the rug is not in anyone's interest except for yours. Let’s be honest: almost no one with BPD/Avoidents gets help. Those who have made meaningful progress do not shy away from admitting the pain they are responsible for. You are just once again relying on a codependent to resolve your responsibility. It's a part of the crime.

[@a.d.b535]

First man that asked to go steady freaked ne out like walls closing in and I bailed. Looking back, wish I hadnt been that way because he was a great guy. Since then I'm the opposite.

[@gregmacklin9758]

Wow, your my kind of girl. You eventually leave. Perfect

[@AnimeNewsRadio101]

You’re enough, not selfish, I’d understand why no one wants to date any these type of people. My platonic is fearful avoidant and work as a team with her. Never give up on her as a half anxious myself and full secure. Got this alex, even I will accept my platonic 💯 and rescue her from that house. Her family is cruel at her.

[@a.modestproposal2038]

Despite your dilemma you have a lot going for you: you are self-reflective, keenly conscious of the dynamic derailing your forays into relationships, and accepting with courage that it will be up to you to find your way through this problem whether or not some therapist could help. We call that taking responsibility. Suggestion: try focusing your inner laser pointer of consciousness on that radioactive anxiety. Re-create a scenario in your mind that provokes it, and hold it there for some time with your "observing self" just noticing it. Your inner voice will likely start monologuing about the things that anxiety has to tell you. The anxiety isn't "wrong"; your adult self just wants it to go away because it creates an unwanted contradiction between who you are and what others expect you to be. You would be better served by letting it speak. Don't criticize yourself for having that unwanted anxiety -- never be your own adversary! Write down everything you hear that anxiety telling you it wants to avoid, as a compassionate curious observer. This may take some time and a few iterations but it will likely result in some new insights that can guide further progress, wherever that may lead you. Good luck.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Your advice reminds me of a part I read in The Power of Now which discusses a little bit of what you mention. The need to become the observer of our thoughts in order to live presently- as we are not our thoughts. Thank you for your insight, this is some solid advice.

[@Strattaify]

Hot take: people who HATE avoidants or can’t stand us probably have an anxious attachment that pushed us away even faster. Iv found ways to cope differently, instead of running to someone else I run to my hobbies. It’s not a solution, but it start, and then I said, and I listen to podcast about how to heal my childhood trauma, and it usually helps me realize that my partner is not trying to suffocate me. This happens, of course, after an entire day of isolating myself from my partner, though. I just want you to know that that love can happen. I have an avoidant attachment sale, but same relationship for eight years now and it’s hard as fuck but it is possible and of course I’m working on having a more secure attavhments but when conflict arises, that urge to be avoidant, always always pops up and sometimes especially since I have an anxious partner, it’s bound to happen. Just know that somewhere someone out there is willing to stick around for you.

[@AnLittleAlex]

Thank you so much for your comment. I’m also currently in a long term relationship. You’re right, it’s really difficult because I would do the same, I would just run to someone else and start that loop again and again. Thankfully my partner knows me, and knows I’m an avoidant and accepts me for who I am, but it’s still difficult. Ive also decided to start focusing on my hobbies and going to the gym to assert some control over my life.

[@kanxdits]

And meditation is such a powerful process if done properly, just closing eyes and telling your worries to go doesnt do a shtt. You avoidants avoid progress and self reflection and always victimize.

[@sukitha001]

At least you are willing to communicate. I wish I could have Understood my ex gfs thinking pattern before all of it went to hell

[@AnLittleAlex]

It took me a while to be able to communicate this way, only because I know to be avoidant isn’t wildly accepted and often misunderstood by people. (As you can see in the comments lol) There’s a lot of shame involved.

[@Taylor_Frenchiebaby]

if these are really your thoughts then you have an issue. you need to take therapy seriously. your guilt will grow as you go thru life hurting person after person. that’s not okay. you need to take therapy seriously. you didn’t try hard enough to find somebody with a method that worked for you.

[@salemhighschoolvolleyball957]

Sorry homie, but your going to have to brute force this. Vocalize all the uncomfortable thoughts, needs and fears to your partners. If they arent willing to listen, then next them. Its almost impossible, but each time it comes a SMALL amount easier. Just like anything else in life... learning good habbits early on is easier then having to break bad ones and then learn good ones. So you have a giant mountain to climb. But dont avoid the mountain. Your relationships will probably get worse to start, and your anxiety will go through the roof, but then you will start to notice it becomes easier.. and nothing bad happened. And you will start to find that MANY people will actually be willing to try and meet your needs. And then a beautiful thing happens... you stop caring about ONLY your needs, and you start to care about meeting the needs of your partners.

[@Sandra.B]

You're not fucked up, you're just having a PTSD reaction caused by an attachment wound created in childwood is just like a survival reaction, that's why your body takes over. Common therapy is BS but EMDR therapy is another story, you do not need to live like this your whole life..

[@seizmo22]

Therapy only works if you are able to be honest with the therapist and yourself. If you are not willing to do something to change then you wont ! How about not getting into a relationship in the first place? This is what you can do. Also with this smerk on your face you are telling this as if you dont like it, but for me it seems that you are quite comfortable this is a comfty lifestyle. You dont want to become a better person be honest with yourself. Changing partners is what you want. You are just here for validation, well i wont tap your shoulder. If you know whats going on then you have a choice to do sthg about it.

[@georgesontag2192]

If a woman is older, never married, no children, you can bet they are avoidant. I know a woman that was proposed to 3 times, she never accepted. She gets extreme anxiety when someone wants to get close. It makes it hard on the man because he wants a real connecting relationship.

[@jeracaruna9]

Ok, bear with me since this is me trying to compress a pretty complex system I'm developing into a single youtube comment. You need to be aware that feelings are not independent from thoughts. Thoughts and beliefs create feelings. The default model for engaging with thoughts and emotions for the vast majority of people is rooted in shame. For example, you refer to your own reactions as "absurd" but in a way that read to me as "my reaction is dumb". That is a terrible foundation to engage with any problem from, let alone something as complex as attachment theory. Journaling aimlessly is pointless. The problem with therapy today is it's too soft, mollycoddling and hand-holding which is just as detrimental as when it was too cold and analytical. It might seem counterintuitive but people should not be encouraged to trust their own agency when said agency is rooted in shame and a woefully undercooked understanding of their own psychology. We've got all this knowledge of our human psyche now and yet still no child is taught the basics of how to navigate their own brains effectively. Why should we be ashamed of not knowing something we had no way of knowing? And you have the problem of "self-awareness". It's in quotations because 1. Your awareness of self is likely based entirely on your own, inherently flawed subjective opinion of self and 2. It almost always has negative connotations. You're "aware" of all your imperfections, without being aware of all the reasons they're pretty much inevitable. If you didn't have imperfections, you'd be the first in 117 billion to have miraculously escaped the human condition. Now THAT is an absurd belief. But again, you aren't at fault for not having the context of that perspective. You need to make all your self-reflection neutral. Detach from it and observe yourself as if you're just another example in a long line of trial-and-error (because you are). Take the power away from shame by admitting the equation that: humans are flawed + you are human = you are flawed. Then learn how to patch those flaws by reflecting on them. Replace "good" vs. "bad" with "beneficial" and "detrimental". You HAVE a problem, not you ARE the problem. How do we deal with problems? Trial and error. Learning. Researching. Learn to see yourself objectively. Practice it. Now in regards to your specific problem. First of all, it sounds to me like you're placing waaay too much expectation of the future onto every relationship. Slow down, work on taking things moment by moment. It's good to consider the future but don't run away with it. Easier said than done I'm sure but that's a goal to work towards. Second, at the risk of giving you and anyone else who reads this an existential crisis, the "choice" and "freedom" you fear losing is an illusion in the first place when your reactions are dictated by your unconscious. Look into unconscious reasons for why avoidant attachment style forms in the first place, see if they resonate, then do your best to stay detached as you address anything that might need uncovered. Approach it conceptually, as in: "many people have gone through this, I am one of them" rather than: "this happened to me" - because that could be overwhelming. Especially since avoidants avoid emotions. Don't avoid. Observe first, then address when you feel ready. It's okay to take baby steps. If you improve .5% every day you'll be 100% better than you are now in just 200 days! Also, I highly recommend looking into cognitive functions, because this sounds like textbook maladaptive Ne (Extraverted Intuition) shenanigans. Lastly, adding to what I said about journalling before, you need prompts. Pointy prompts. Prompts that might hurt a little but will be absolutely worth it in the long run, such as: - Why do I seek love? Is it to soothe myself or in celebration of another/love itself? (recommend: read The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm) - What is the root of my expectation that relationships follow a set path and destination? What is my image of that destination? Why does it scare me? - Why am I unable to appreciate the relationships I form? (this one's EXTRA pointy, stay objective!) - Where will I be in 5, 10, 15 years if this continues? - Whose beliefs am I subscribing to? (look into Carl Rogers' concept of Internal/External Locus of Evaluation) Long post, I know, but free and more effective than therapy if you stick with it. It's also the tip of the iceberg. That's why it's meant to be a process I'd work through with someone over time but it's not ready yet and I found your video today, so I thought I'd just do my best and see how it goes down 😶‍🌫

[@AnLittleAlex]

Hi, thank you so much for your comment, I hope I can do it justice with my reply. Firstly, I started this KZbin channel for many reasons, one of which is exactly what you described in your equation. I wanted to make a space of my own, to reflect on what it actually means to live and exist as a human without shame and judgment but rather with a sense of seeking to understand. I know it’s not possible because a lot of us are attached to our beliefs like it’s our skin, but I wanted to try to find likeminded people. I’m not perfect, evidently as you pointed out, yet no one is. The problem is people keep pretending like they are, like they know the ultimate truth, when in reality we’re all doing life for the first and last time. I’m trying to figure out the why. Perhaps in this video I went too hard on myself because of the already preconceived notion that avoidant people are seen negatively. It’s quite difficult to look at things from an observers point of view and detach from the ideas of good and bad that is being projected by society’s morals. I do try however, with mindful practices. We’re all human, after all. All the journal questions you’ve jotted down for me, I know the answers to like the back of my hand. I know exactly what I want, what I’m scared of I just doubt myself and think “what if I’m wrong?” It all boils down to intuition. Unfortunately, I constantly doubt it, I try to think of every possibility imaginable. I collect as much data as possible and take a lot of time to make firm decisions. In my video it seems perhaps I’m more impulsive than I really am. Haha. But I always go through life based on what I think and feel is right for me, even if that takes a lot of mental suffering for me to go through. I can see all possibilities that could exist with every grand choice I make, how it can be perceived by people, and the consequences for going against the norm. However, It always ends up being the right choice for me. Just like making this channel. Perhaps this is where the discussion of cognitive behaviour comes in. I’ve been dissecting what my personality stack is and I continue to bounce back and forth between INFP, ENFP and INFJ as I relate with them the most according from my research. So it’s funny that you’re telling me I’m experiencing Ne functions, I always figured I have Ni. It makes a lot of sense though. I think the only factor that makes me question which one I am lies between Fi and Fe, as I seem to exemplify both. Maybe I’ll make a video about it later on because I am truly fascinated with cognitive functions. Thank you for your in depth comment :)

[@jeracaruna9]

@@AnLittleAlex Fantastic reply, I can sense how close you are to the breakthrough that changes everything! Also, I wrote even more this time, I tend to do this... Apologies if it's a bit much 😅 While avoidant people may not "deserve" to be seen negatively, it is also true they have this reputation for good reason. Avoidant behaviour often leaves a wake of pain and unanswered questions wherever it goes. It's not even them, it's their trauma (trauma doesn't have to be big events!) but that doesn't change what happens, unfortunately. I was actually fearful avoidant which swings back and forth between anxious and avoidant behaviour and I think avoiding relationships as long as I did (until I was 23) was the best thing I could've done, because when I got into my first one, I still had the feelings of unworthyness and the fears of abandonment, but I was developed enough to almost immediately break the pattern by shutting my brain up. Whenever I doubted why my lovely girlfriend would like me, I considered that if my friends liked me, it wasn't such a stretch that someone would like me romantically. And in general anytime thoughts like "why do these people like me?" and "do they even like me?" I countered that with the awareness that these are whole-ass other human beings with thoughts and feelings and opinions of their own, and I don't have the right to invalidate those with my bullshit. If they didn't like me then I'd find out either way and worrying in the meantime was a waste of potentially enjoyable moments. After I broke up with my girlfriend I felt like I was broken and I'd only do more damage if I got involved with anyone else, only to be soon struck by the realisations we've been talking about in the prior posts and again humbling my subjective human nonsense. I ended up doing more good for the next person I was involved with than anyone else in her entire history and I know that for a fact. People pretend to know the ultimate truth because of a universal trauma we experience called "the death of the father" (I forget if it's Freud or Lacan who founded the concept). Not to be taken literally, it essentially speaks to the moment in which we, as relatively new humans, lose the image of our caregivers as 'the one with all the answers'. It's another layer of separation, and separation is the root of anxiety. So people unknowingly transfer 'the answer' onto another source, typically people who appear on the surface to have their shit together like celebrities, more successful/popular peers etc. Humans typically default to the path of least resistance. Rather than search for the answer, they choose from the ready-meal selection of "truth". It's a lot easier to be objective when you internalise the awareness of the damage this good/bad moral dichotomy has done for us a race. It's no exaggeration to say it's one of the single most destructive mistakes we've made. Once you understand that, it simply doesn't make sense any more to take it as anything other than the archaic remains of a bygone period of human evolution. That's okay, evolution is messy. Just as the individual stumbles while they grow, so too does the species. This is it. The answer is right there in front of you, in your very question: "What if I'm wrong?" You're missing just ONE word. (This is so much more satisfying and effective when it's an in-person dialogue and I can go full-on Socratic method, but alas...) "SO what if I'm wrong?" If you've truly accepted your limitations as a human, if you're doing your due diligence to improve, then you're already doing more than most to have earned belief in yourself, which is already much, much better than the unearned, fake kind that people slap over their insecurities like it makes them go away. But to go a step beyond, rather than believing in yourself NOW, believe in the you of tomorrow. The you who has evolved a little more than yesterday. Trust the process, even, rather than yourself. Trust that the humility of being open to learn and wanting to be better will lead to progressively better results as a foregone conclusion. You don't even have to think about it, because you've given yourself to a higher purpose, one that is simply cause and effect. I didn't get 'impulsive' from what you said in the video, quite the opposite. I got 'overly-controlling' (I don't mean of others). Perfectionist, perhaps. A need to control the outcome, or at least predict it in as much detail as possible. But you can't. That too, is a limitation of being human. You are doing what you can. You're allowed to make mistakes, and shit's gonna happen. Life will teach you that lesson the hard way if you can't accept it on your own terms. It's excellent that you understand your fears, now you need to look at the other side of the coin, into your fantasies, because they're just as limiting, I assure you. It's good to have dreams and aspirations, but don't let them enslave you. There's no choice or freedom in that. Challenge every thought and feeling like you're in a constant, good-natured debate with yourself while keeping both sides well-researched and seeking the highest good, and it'll be very, very difficult to go wrong. "I try to think of every possibility imaginable." - Ne "I collect as much data as possible and take a lot of time to make firm decisions." - Te & Si "But I always go through life based on what I think and feel is right for me." - Fi There's a STRONG chance you're ENFP since actively collecting data and basing your judgement on it is - probably - too much preference for Te to be Inferior. But the truth is we have all 8 functions and we use all 8. Because they don't actually just come from within us. They're a relationship to things that already exist. Example: Te covers objectivity, inductive reasoning, judging truth by metrics and orderly action. These are things that are part of our human experience, we simply form a personal relationship to them, and that relationship ends up being either too much or too little most of the time. The function stacks simply represent a pattern of preferences that emerge due to the natural oppositions that each function represents. Example: Fi is opposite Fe because Fi is focused on the inner emotional landscape and Fe on the outer. Fi is opposite Ti because while both are subjective, Fi is emotional reasoning and Ti is logical reasoning. Fi is totally opposite Te because emotion/logic AND inner/outer focus. I actually have a blog about this new approach to cognitive functions if you're interested (I promise I didn't come here to promote it, haha. I actually haven't done much with it in a while but all the essential articles are there). It's called charactersarepeople.blog

[@AnLittleAlex]

@@jeracaruna9 Its funny because, in my young teenage years I was also fearful avoidant. Constantly going between being anxious and avoidant. I am 25 now and I've definitely gotten a lot better with my avoidance, although there are still times I overthink and fear wasting my time, or I fear making the wrong choice, which I know is simply an illusion and ruins the time I could be spending with the person. It's been fine, but has flared up since my father passed, just because I've come to the realization of how short life is. Its more of a general philosophical problem at this point. My insecurities with my sense of self-worth has dramatically changed for me in the last year. You're right, in that I am a perfectionist. However, I actively logic my way out of my need for control. It's gotten better recently, as I do try to have that constant debate with myself as you suggested. I am actually quite laid back with most things haha. This is another reason why I started my channel. I wanted to have tougher conversations that might go against the grain, all while trying to figure things out for myself and gaining the courage to advocate for myself as an imperfect person. And not only that but having a space devout of judgment, where people can be people while acknowledge their own faults and change as they see fit. People will disagree, call me names (as you can see in the comments) but it's a good practice for someone like me. Sometimes it's not worth it to engage, especially with people who are so close-minded. However, it makes me acknowledge the fact that people can only see me through the lens of their own perception. So my relationship with myself is incredibly vital and it's something I try to work at everyday. Your suggestions are very helpful. Like you said, It's all about willing and wanting to change, not to fit in but to be a better person/human for yourself. That is why we are here, to constantly learn, change and evolve. I cannot even recognize the me of last year. Thanks again for your lengthy comment, and for speaking with me openly and respectfully without judgment. It's been fruitful speaking with you. :)

[@muma6559]

you sound like an INTP personality type, Your creative function would then be Ne... you have to play with a lot of options

[@muma6559]

Ti Ne Si Fe (MBTI - INTP is probably the most intelligent type, but find it extremely hard to express their feelings)

[@AnLittleAlex]

Good analysis on the Ne part, as someone else has speculated in the comments. I definitely do not have Ti as my first slot though. I function purely on feeling; everything I do is based on what I feel and I’m very attune to other people’s emotions. I socialize easily and can easily fit in to any type of situation. I think too much about people and everything I do is to understand people. I always thought I was an INFJ but it seems I might actually be INFP or ENFP

[@muma6559]

@@AnLittleAlex well that's interesting !! INFP has Ne also in the creative slot. Fi "Ne" Si Te. But your description does sound like INFJ. So you're right. Not INTP. Definitely INFx My dad is INFP and he is an incredibly amazing person. And that's a total understatement.

[@muma6559]

@@AnLittleAlex ok. I got it. My dad also can be incredibly emotional. You are too much in Fi.... all the time! Very strong. As you get older hopefully you can use the other functions too. Practice logic sometimes, the Ti. I know it's hard.

[@I_C_StupidPeople]

Then I guess one thing to do would stay away from a relationship. I've learnt the hard way that a partner is not the answer to my personal joy or happiness. I've been single 13 years now. Done a lot of research on subjects like this. Learnt alot about myself and human behaviour. Learning to be content alone is not for everyone but it sure has kept me from jumping from relationship to relationship.

[@justgivemeanumber8215]

look into bodily stored trauma. this 'who we are' thing is not really the case.