Uncertainty, Shame, & Feeling Like a Bad Partner: The Fearful Avoidant, & The Dismissive Avoidant

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In this video I answer questions from inside the school! We'll discuss Dismissive avoidants and, uncertainty, shame, and feeling like a bad partner. We'll also be discussing Fearful avoidants and deactivating strategies!
1) Explaining to a DA about their uncertainty in a relationship - 1:00
2) Tools for getting out of FA deactivation mode - 7:20
3) DA's and shame/feeling like a bad partner - 10:00
4) Is it break up grief or addiction? - 13:20
5) Becoming more DA as I make changes - 18:30
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I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)
Thank you for watching!

[@LeeChrissy]

The question about the woman who bought a house is so relatable! My ex DA literally wanted to do every single thing but put a label on us. Be exclusive, meet each other's family and towards the end brought up moving in together. But...he would occasionally throw into conversation that relationships and labels make him feel trapped or one time he said as soon as a label gets put on everything goes downhill. I tried 4 different cycles with him, one we put a relationship label on and while I didn't have these great tools to use that I have now, he knows what I want and I know what he doesn't want and I think at this point it's pointless. It's like those couples that stay together knowing the other wants marriage or babies and they don't. It makes no sense and will only cause heartbreak.

[@graywarden8340]

How's it going now? Are you doing fine?

[@LeeChrissy]

@@graywarden8340 I mean, I'm doing the best I can do. I rejected his last attempt to come back. Well we both rejected it I suppose. I told him I'm looking for something solid and real, not someone to hang out with and if he's not on board we need this to end. And that's what happened. I miss him, but we don't fit.

[@tdubblz]

These videos are more valuable than therapy. I listen sometimes and feel so understood I just cry. It relieving to feel like I can really have the life I want and not always live in constant fear of rejecting and I’m exhausted from making my true emotions in fear that I’ll be isolated and anaconda for being too sensitive and needy. My needs were not met as a child, it was not my fault and it’s totally okay that I break the way I feel. And the best news is I will get better and there’s real hope.

[@emilyb5557]

@tdubblz how is it going 1 yr on? I really felt what you said about having hope with life being better. This has videos on her experience which are good if you're having a day or week when it feels like it can't won't shift. This stuff is life changing for sure!! I joined pds and finding others also doing the same work. The webinar chat is mind-blowing for what others have experienced both mirroring my experiences & sadly worse - yet are working & getting better. The support I've had to meet my own basic needs (which u want despite being an apparently successful professional) has been huge. Hope you are doing better at meeting needs despite not learning it as a little one. And you're still making progress in the healing & life feels safer & easier 💜

[@tdubblz]

@@emilyb5557 hi and thank you! I’m healing and I know because as I’m confronted with the same issues from the past, my response to them is so different. I don’t allow the toxic people in my life to define my value for me…. Not any more. Some days are challenging still but overall I’m in a much better place today than I was just a year ago. Wishing you the very best in your journey to self recovery and growth!

[@carmenchapa1]

There are usually always great people, but they are definitely bad partners. That's the very hard truth.

[@emilyb5557]

Most people with a DA have their own issues too that you could label as "bad". Be mindful DA watching this video are trying to do the work and learn grow (fyi there are lots of them in pds community, paying membership and doing the work, incl supporting fellow members in community). They have learnt they are bad n wrong as kids - hence this video being needed. So just blanket labelling them all as bad partners - no caveat that unless they do the work etc - is unkind. Thais's husband was a DA when they met. I'm sorry if you've been hurt in an interaction with a DA and hope you are able to look at your own "stuff".

[@veglissa5756]

I just love listening to you. The way you explain things is so easy for me to grasp the concepts and understand. I also appreciate how you make every attachment style feel reassured and help us work through our downfalls.

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

Thank you for all your explanations. Now, that I see how a DA thinks and feels and how I got triggered as an anxious attacher, I think I can let this situationship go. Over the years I learnt to be by myself and can enjoy it. I dont need a partner, but in the long run it would be nice to be in a partnership again. I really am done walking on eggshells and bend over backwards and all talk is about her needs and her little abilities. I can so better. I tried, I tried real hard, and NOW I just do something else.

[@antonycroft7504]

at about 4 minutes, nearly five you say something that is so profoundly part of this it needs further almost isolated discussion, i feel there is huge potential to expand our understanding of this aspect. You said ''no one can know my feelings more than me'' and that this feeling is a trigger of feeling unsafe. Its these little gems that keep me watching over and over again your videos in a desperate bid to understand why I make my FA feel so afraid of me! I try to read her emotions, which as i said in another comment is like a safe box or vault, and it closes fast when we do or say the wrong things, and were totally de-stabilized and confused and have our anxieties triggered because we think were just discussing how we feel in an open way. The reality is that the very discussion is a threat! Is the moral of that story as follows'' These are my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, and they are not yours to explore, play with or even comprehend''

[@Jasmin23083]

Keep up the great content!

[@sofiarhiannonkeefe3982]

Thais, the world is going through deep healing right now. I am taking every single one of your words to my heart. Its kind fun to explore my own brain, observing, taking note, growing, learning to love myself. The more love I give myself, the easier it is to love others. I'd love to hear about Fear of intimacy. Thank you for being a prominent teacher in my life

[@tammyalexander2617]

Thank you Thais! These are wonderful questions. Hanging on your lips as you answer!

[@nikitadcruz1267]

Loved the last question! Definitely resonated with me. Thank you, Thais for your amazing insight and input!

[@michelegrn]

You are amazing, Thais. Thank you for your work, your passion and the way you care for others. 💜

[@nigeria7324]

Thank you so much for your work, i really feel that you are genuin with your help. Today I noticed that someone has told you to speak slower and I loved it. Thank you for making it easier for us listeners. 🙏

[@annaynely]

Negative reinforcement never works for anyone.

[@KP-mw6cx]

This was great! Really love the q&a style, plus all the verbiage. Thanks for all you do! ❤️

[@lesliejohns987]

Absolutely a Beautiful video such intrinsic explaining the equilibrium of our brain .. And I honestly didn’t know for a long time that getting our needs met through ourselves makes our relationship connect back to a loving relationship that makes the disconnection stronger to connect with our partner...

[@senchingkitxd1573]

Thank you for this 🙏🏻

[@Coden11]

So good...❤ Thank you Thais.

[@beautifuldreama8714]

Very great video on how to have that conversation.

[@primerdimers]

I'm glad I discovered your channel and signed up for PDS. Thanks for breaking the topics by time stamps!! so helpful ♥ it would be great if that's done in PDS webinars too as most are over an hour long and sometimes discouraging as I'm not sure if I start one, I'm able to digest everything, so smaller pieces divided by time stamps are definitely more digestible and encouraging!

[@primerdimers]

@Fiona Yup I know, I've been using the PDS courses and was referring to the PDS webinars as above :)

[@elle9633]

AmazIng video! Ty!

[@koru615]

I don’t understand intimacy being a human need? Like isn’t that just something fun/cool that some people get? I also don’t understand having your needs being met by others

[@gwendolynn7314]

No. That's a need for people who want to be in a relationship or married. You can always stay single.

[@CristinaaaMx]

GOD BLESS YOU THAIS

[@ziggypip2938]

Great! Great! Great!

[@arh3861]

Thais, TYSM for your content! PDS school member here! Please consider putting out info on how to deal with FA/DA and retaliation behaviors. You mentioned this in the course but I’d love more info on how to deal with it as the partner. Or if you already have expanded in this, please point me in the right direction to find them!

[@Talkinglife]

Nice video

[@NaesLaugh]

Welp..... why didn’t I find this channel 3 months ago??? Lolll

[@djpdyson]

Let's be honest. Unless they are working on their issues, they ARE bad partners.

[@LeeChrissy]

True, but I didn't even recognize that I had relationship issues until last year. I've dated so many people with bigger issues like drugs, drinking, physical abuse...you name it. So I always saw myself as the victim. Just a nice girl who gets caught up with bad men. It wasn't until my relationship with my ex DA that I realized I was part of the problem too. I had no idea what a FA was until I was researching ways to communicate with HIM and then said wait...clearly I have work to do too. That being said, the DA I last dated admitted to recognizing his traits. He said he can't hear that someone is sad or mad at him or he shuts down and he's all set with that. He said he likes himself and will never change. While he did end up changing a little on his own, he still shut down whenever I brought anything up. While I empathize with him and love him, it upset me that he recognizes this yet doesn't feel the need to try and work through it.

[@pi2771]

It would be helpful to talk about the platonic relationships the da create. And why they can't make them romantic.

[@josefinjulin718]

I keep feeling like i'm my DA's friend with benefits. I feel like he treats me like stranger that he has a sexual relationship with. Or like a sister. That's how i feel he relates to me. Even though we've been for 1.5 years and are supposedly a couple .Or have been for periods. Im FA and pending between freaking out, being anxious and pushing him away because of this feeling. And he is always positive to taking a break but ultimately that's not what i want! I wanna feel good with him. Anyone recognising this DA style of relating, like platonic as in un-romantic but with sex tho?

[@morehn]

@@josefinjulin718 show him this comment and discuss how he feels. let him know you want to bridge the gap and be on the same page with him.

[@meganpittman0615]

@@josefinjulin718 this has been my experience with a DA as well. I said to him that he would be more suited to a FWB type of situation because of how he doesn’t connect, communicate or want to go below the surface with me. He got really mad and said that no that’s not what he wants or what he likes. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have felt the relationship didn’t progress to a deeper level and now I know why, intimacy is terrifying to them. The first two months were the best. I can tell you the moment the vibe changed with him and understand now why. He started to feel and it scared him. At that point he started to contact me less, answers were shorter, phone calls stopped.

[@kyuen1847]

@@meganpittman0615 It almost feels like we are all dating the same person lol

[@meganpittman0615]

@@kyuen1847 it is interesting how similar their behaviors are.

[@brad3378]

You should be mentioning your book on Amazon! I just bought it on Kindle format with my digital download points.

[@amaliaesposito3942]

Aw i didn't know she had a book. What's it called?

[@brad3378]

@@amaliaesposito3942 www.amazon.com/Attachment-Theory-Guide-Strengthening-Relationships/dp/1646115457/

[@pricilasanabria1882]

Hello, I’ve been watching your videos the last few days as I’ve been dealing with a breakup from my partner of 8 years on and off. I wanted to know if you do one on one consultation.

[@kimberlyjones7821]

What if the person continued to steal from you even though I have stated I want it stopped! Cant take them to others home cause of his stealing while there

[@lute966]

Been looking into learning to speak to an Anxious A., myself a DA, thinking that maybe he wasn't a narcisist... Should I give up? I did explain clearly my flaws (won't scream in arguments, need to unwind from work before wanting intimacy, need proper sleep, won't have apetite if in wrong mood and eat slowly)...

[@jerameymoore30]

No. Don’t give up, I’m an anxious and I’ve learned me and my DA are just wired differently. I see how you might think he had narcissistic personality traits because it’s always about “us” but I assure you it’s not. It’s a deep down issue that yearns for that validation in any form.

[@keithupham3523]

I’ve noticed ads have seemed to double on PDS Videos. Anyone else?

[@ZombieMessKids]

Everyone's

[@Higher-Veda]

I'm fairly certain that the question about FA deactivating and demonizing was about the partner, not the person who asked. In that case, what can the partner of an FA do when we're being demonized by a projected false belief?

[@southernsoul152]

FAs tend to feel clamoured when pursued. As an FA I’d suggest giving a little space and then calmly offering (not asking) to talk. Remaining calm is key. When the pressure is off, As an FA, I became introspective and see the good I was blind to. Just my two cents

[@TatiTalks]

Consistency, explaining thought-processes (as much as you can) and reassurance is key. Giving a little space sometimes is important too.

[@Higher-Veda]

Well, my FA went avoidant, and I did give space, only to then be accused of being avoidant myself. I'm AP.

[@Dana-oo9kp]

I never know if my DA is annoyed by my (encouraging/supportive/kind/friendly) texts or if he does indeed like them? He never tells me either way so I can’t get a gauge if I’m too much or too little. He doesn’t always respond which is fine. And I NEVER Bombard him with multiple, consecutive texts regarding anything....I might be “too nice?” Any DAs out there have any input?

[@southernsoul152]

I’m not a DA, but I’ve been married to one for over a decade. I used to do what you do I found out recently (after YEARS) that it made him resent me. Anything loving made him “uncomfortable and made me look needy” 😰 I haven’t done anything romantic since. Now he see’s me as cold. You can’t win with a DA. They pick kind women and strip them of their light and then complain that they no longer shine. Sorry that sounded hopeless, but being with one (at least from my experience) it is.

[@Dana-oo9kp]

Southern Soul Thank you for your reply. I imagine it depends on the severity of the dismissive avoidance per person. Mine does indeed respond sometimes. And for the past year he has been struggling with Lupus and now more recently, he has been diagnosed with another serious complication of it. I can’t imagine he doesn’t like the solidarity that I have shown. But like you said, who knows? If I stop being a “friend,” I guess we have nothing?

[@Dana-oo9kp]

Southern Soul BTW, What kinds of “nice” things did you do for him? (And upon thinking about it, he married you. Just because he must have felt uncomfortable by your initiations, he had to love you enough in his own way to get himself “locked” into a commitment. ❤️ This surely is confusing.)

[@southernsoul152]

Dana you’re right, it does depend on the severity. Mine would respond too, but his responses felt fake and empty. Like he was responding as he believed he should rather than out of sincerity. Do you relate to that feeling? I’m sorry he’s sick, I’m sure that been hard for you as well, especially since this would be a time to bond even more so. If you stop being his friend, what’s left?! Powerful question and one I’ve been asking myself for two years. All I can say is... you can’t force them to love who loves them because the harder you try - the less you’ll love yourself. Be kind, be yourself but keep your expectations low.

[@southernsoul152]

Dana as for things I did for him: in the beginning... love notes once and a while, I’d share my heart, make him his favourite meals and drinks, (I’m southern- I was raised to nurture and make a home) I gave him a massage 3 days a week after work, did all the chores and never “turned him down” 🔞 but that made me needy to him and made him “feel too much” so he started looking elsewhere. I stopped. I read 5 love languages and found out his is gifts. So, I got him nice things instead of heart felt things for bdays, Christmas etc. He liked that. It helped.

[@beautifuldreama8714]

Do DA's purposely forget to text back or could they have been triggered by the conversation or you that they dismiss even more??

[@hashtagspandas4070]

Not much is done on purpose or with “bad” intentions usually they are just overwhelmed super fast by something that seems like nothing to others. They need a different pace = slow and calm :) and patience. They will get back if they have feeling just veeeeeeeeery slow!

[@lisbeth4you]

Honestly, there’s no way I could start such a conversation with my ex DA. First he would not even respond to any question. Second, he would be horrified at the idea of accepting any help. Suggesting he might have a problem, that would really make him feel unsafe. Asking about his needs? Forget it, there are none. When I used to think what would work for him, after balancing all alternatives, I would end up by not saying anything. Any way I’d put it, would always scare him away. Also, after the breakup, I started questioning myself: “ who am I to say anyone what’s their problem and what he should do?”. Anything I came to think about telling him seemed like an invasion to me. Even the things I learned about attachment styles, when I came to play them out, always seemed an invasion to me. In the end, his subconscious mind made up a terrible sensation, from his deep reptilian brain, that he used to run away from the relationship and there was nothing I could do about it. He felt unsafe by the closeness and just disappeared without a word. I had to accept that. No matter what I’d say or do, he would have disappeared anyway, because it’s what he always does. For me it was a great lesson that we need to let people be as they are and give up any expectations we can change others or help in any way if they don’t ask for it and/or don’t want it. We need to see them for who they are, and put our expectations where they should be, no matter how much we would want it to be otherwise. Who am I to say how he should feel secure or not? Who am I to say that my way is better than his? Tough call.

[@lisbeth4you]

They don’t forget, they do it on purpose when they are triggered. And can last for very long, they may give you the silent treatment. Sometimes they just couldn’t care less, they go back to their world.

[@jillian2596]

Lisbeth Always Very insightful comment. I’ve been in a nebulous relationship with an avoidant man for a little over a year. I thought he was DA, but may be FA. He also thinks he may have bipolar disorder. It’s a VERY challenging, confusing dynamic. Lots of hot & cold behavior, even as a friend. I keep my expectations really low & give him lots of space. What’s perplexing to me is when he initiates plans, then either flakes on plans or acts distant when I’m around him. He can also be incredibly affectionate. Bottom line, his behavior has nothing to do with me. It’s the sum of his life experience thus far; significant childhood trauma & dysfunctional relationships. I do my best to accept him as he is & not take things personally. He’s even told me multiple times not to take his behavior personally.

[@heyowazzup8900]

Lisbeth Always brilliant

[@teresaadams7368]

Question: my DA has gone silent (again), only this time he said he wanted a six month break (as opposed to ghosting me last time). I have texted him many times and called twice during the past three months, without any response. I have learned that I handled certain situations incorrectly, not knowing about the attachment issues beforehand. Also, we are both older and he has health issues he is dealing with. Do you think there is anything I can say via text or voicemail that might help our situation? I truly love the man and don’t want to lose him. Thank you.

[@random55912]

18:06 who is this Dr.? Can't understand his name

[@kayaxe]

How do I figure out my ex intentions of reaching out during no contact? To be friends? For ego stroke? Or she had thoughts of trying things agn? Or to check if theres this possibility? Coach says that I have to figure out but idk how. And obviously, esp for DA, you dont want to explicitly bring in the topic of the rs until much later or a few dates later. Is there a way for me to figure out her intentions, be it from our casual texting (after she indirectly reached out), or asking her out?

[@ilovepapiler]

Treat her like a friend and have tons of patience. Let her make the moves, if you do, she will run away. Let her chase you. If she doesn't make a move, she just wants a friendship, then question yourself if that would be enough for you. You are the most important person in your life. Never forget that!

[@melanieluft4955]

How soon into no contact did she message and what did she say

[@ChilledOut]

As a FA who was in a relationship with a DA I would show kindness and patience and don’t be scared to initiate contact. My DA liked me initiating contact. DAs can be scared of rejection too which is why you shouldn’t leave it up to her to initiate all contact. Be aware of her love languages and show her how you feel through consistent actions and words.

[@soulburning2000]

Thais u are so pretty.

[@Rahmandirect]

Hay i am in problem plese help me loved one girl science 15 years she behaving like excly you saying its happens 10 taime or less and even she got marreid science 12 years she doing same thing few month ago when i am tring to open up she suddenly told me she taime puss to me then i told fake story like i am affairs someone than she got lot of jelaus than she blocked every Where. It s happened lot tsimes befor i really dont know what she an in important thing i have sigma male caractarictse...please replay my comment.

[@cekinci]

I’m sorry but no, as soon as I find the person has attachement issues I’m out. I deserve a healthy relationship.

[@christinewanjiru8158]

I wish I would do this too.

[@AozoraZz]

Lol, goodluck finding someone with no issues.

[@sunshinestar6076]

This is a channel about attachment style!

[@Regina.Clarke]

Wow, some of us just need a tad bit of patience to adjust to a whole new person. Communication is essential for FAs. If you completely change a routine, just explain it. If an illogical response comes up, not hanging onto it and having healthy dialogue. If an FA is a self reflecting person which they likely are, they will work on it if they have understanding. The problem is some of us have gone through so much, we just have to see subconscious beliefs be countered. We’re great people just protective since many of us have had bad experiences. I have always been good in secure relationships.

[@slick_Ric]

so you're not dealing with your own attachment issues but wanting someone who doesn't have any, nice lol

[@pualo9263]

Is there others out there for us? Ive waited a long time only to be broken. I must wait for her, but she has options. Whats the point in waiting or even pretending there will be somone.. Every time i see the positive in her, i cant always feel that way because she may be fucking somone else. Am i supposed to be feeling positive for her? Its an emotiinal rollercoaster. Why bother in the first case? Oh, thats right, i gotta love myself first..lol. i feel id rather be nothing for her than be somthing so it doesnt hurt so much. End game, she wins i lose. I may as well just realise im worthlesd, not because i want to but its better to like comfort of being sad rather the hope she or somone will want me, and go through the process again. Ill avoid it all to save grace.

[@hmanfilms]

The biggest advice I have is focus on healing your own attachment issues and learn to self soothe. Fill your time and schedule as much as possible exploring new interest, hobbies, and activities. Get busy meeting new women. That way, you won’t have to settle for a relationship or attach to one person who isn’t meeting your needs. The longer you wait around, the more disservice and abandonment you do to yourself.

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

Why would you want to stick around to teach a grown man how to deal with his emotions? IDGAF if it's from an attachment trauma, I'm done doing all the emotional labor for DAs in relationships and never getting my needs met. They can go do their healing process alone.

[@lesliejohns987]

Absolutely a Beautiful video such intrinsic explaining the equilibrium of our brain .. And I honestly didn’t know for a long time that getting our needs met through ourselves makes our relationship connect back to a loving relationship that makes the disconnection stronger to connect with our partner...