Conflict resolution on the playground | Eileen Kennedy-Moore | TEDxAsburyPark

Meanness is fairly common among children. It’s often a byproduct of frustration. It’s always an opportunity to learn about relationships, negotiation and compromise.
Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore (also known as “Dr. Friendtastic”) is an author, psychologist, and mom of four, based in Princeton, NJ. She is the creator of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, where she answers questions from children about making and keeping friends. Her blog, Growing Friendships, on Psychology Today, has over 5 million views. Dr. Kennedy-Moore has been featured many times in major media, including Live with Kelly and Ryan and The New York Times. Her recent books include Moody Moody Cars (for ages 4-8), Growing Feelings (for ages 6-12), and Kid Confidence (for parents). This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@kathywinter]

loving the "maybe game" idea. gonna try that with my kids next time they're upset about something a friend did. great way to teach perspective-taking.

[@isabelledanska]

This talk should be required viewing for all parents and teachers. So much practical wisdom here.

[@zeldaselsta]

This talk is a great reminder that kids need guidance on how to handle social situations, not just protection from them. We can't bubble wrap their whole lives!!

[@DrFriendtastic]

Very true! Even adults struggle with this. I see a lot of people dismissing others as "toxic" or whatever. Maybe they are, and a cut-off is the only alternative, or maybe they're imperfect human beings, like us, and we need to figure out how to listen/speak up/move forward in better ways.

[@DavidBSacks1]

Dr. Kennedy-Moore, this is terrific! Ordinary meanness isn’t bullying, and we all need to learn the various ways to be strong and handle it. Lessons here for kids, parents, and adults. THANK YOU!

[@natashahenderson9350]

This was great! My kids love listening to her Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast!

[@jim-chew]

"more socially powerful" is so spot on, and such a strange dynamic to grapple with as a child

[@chancecormac]

This should be seen in schools, by students and educators.

[@prisonermalloy5022]

Love the emphasis on teaching kids how to be in relationships. It's such a crucial life skill that often gets overlooked and then when people grow up we wonder why they're so terrible at it

[@sandynharris]

I like how she balances acknowledging the seriousness of bullying while also putting everyday conflicts in perspective. It's a tricky line to walk but this is all really helpful advice

[@marierosko]

Her examples really bring the concepts to life. I can totally picture these playground scenarios playing out at my kids' school

[@braydenteagan5572]

As a teacher, I see these dynamics play out every day on the playground. I'm happy to hear someone address the nuances between bullying and everyday conflicts.

[@2degucitas]

I told my older sister how I was bullied and "chose" for an after school fight, and she said, "those kids are insecure and that's why they do it." I said, "yeah that's good to know, but they'll just do it again tomorrow!"

[@vikassharma3297]

❤❤

[@anabarbara9192]

You have a bad sister. I was bullied during 1 year and half. Ir was bad.

[@JTandLittleB]

that's so crazy! sorry you had to go through that ❤I also think it is kids and adults with nothing else going on in their life so they come up with a sad excuse for an activity, lol. people who want to fight should go into that sport and leave normal people alone. When I was in college, one night at this bar, this other girl wanted to fight me... it was so weird, but thankfully, I was in a group of tall girls, like 5'11 girls and I'm 5'1😂 I told one of my friends and she gave the other girl a look and for the rest if the night, that other girl left me alone... I guess they singled me out because I was petite or something 😅

[@alenaadamkova5322]

Children have mirror neurons in brain and they mimic adults words and behavior, as Dr. Bruce Lipton and Dr. Joe Dispenza say. Adults also have mirror neurons in brain but they choose whom they will mimic, because adults use analytical part of brain. The brain is emotionally finished at age 25.

[@ЗаурешРсбекова]

I remember we had a fight being students with a crowd of local girls in another town. We didn't expect that, but they were prepared to beat us. They were a few of us, though we didn't give up. People fought we were heroes, because among those girls were prisoners.

[@alexBBmichaels]

I'm glad to see this stuff being spoken about. Yeah kids are mean and some are a lot more sensitive than others. I don't think we'll ever get to a point where bullying doesn't exist but learning to manage it better is a good start

[@jackanslow]

her point about empathy blind spots is so true. I've totally seen kids (and adults) justify being mean to someone they've labeled as "annoying" or "weird". We need to call that out more.

[@dereksunder]

"It's disappointing but it's not personal" honestly this is seriously valuable for a lot of people to hear, not just kids.

[@theauthenticchilleddog]

I love the practical advice here. The "maybe game" sounds like a great tool for helping kids (and adults!) develop perspective-taking skills. Gonna try this with my son.

[@LisaKestlerPsychology]

THANK YOU, EILEEN! This is an excellent lesson I've struggled to articulate with my kid clients. My middle school clients especially could benefit from learning to spot their "empathy blind spots". I will be sharing this!

[@dr.lisedeguire7907]

What a wonderfully informative talk. Thank you so much, Dr. Kennedy-Moore!

[@robinbrunel1696]

Ooft this kinda hits close to home... I was horrifically bullied in grade school and the first year of high school. I remember thinking I'd rather unalive myself than have to go through that kind of treatment and yeah, it absolutely sticks with you

[@TheBigFlameDrone]

I really appreciate the distinction she makes between bullying and meanness and yes, when poor conflict resolution has taken place all kinds of accusations start getting thrown around

[@maryalvord3248]

Excellent distinctions. Love the maybe game to help kids to see other possibilities. Flexible thinking is always helpful!

[@johnbradey]

Brilliant talk and subject, so important.

[@havamendelberg3323]

Very helpful to children, parents, and teachers. Thanks.

[@maureenwatters321]

Great point about how our kids can contribute to conflicts too. It's easy to always blame the other kid, but teaching our own kids accountability is crucial.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Very true! I think our instinct as parents is often to protect our kids. If it's genuine bullying, and our kid is truly powerless, that might make sense, but whenever possible, teaching kids to handle those unavoidable friendship rough spots is more empowering.

[@tarasuppleton]

I love this advice, though I'm also very curious about conflict resolution for adults. thoughts or tips?

[@EstelleReyes-yg3qv]

You can't control how people act, you can only control how you react. Stop worrying about things that you can't change, it's ultimately futile to pay attention to those things.

[@MichellerBezanson]

One technique that I've learned how to use (but am still perfecting) is refusal to escalate. When I'm talking with someone I start at a calm baseline and never escalate from there, even if the other party escalates their emotions drastically.

[@EthelPankey]

Verbalizing your needs from a neutral perspective is always productive. Holding them in for the long term is almost always unproductive. Obviously there is a time and a place, but don't pass on an opportunity to express yourself.

[@JulieDaniel-yt1sl]

Vulnerability is strength. Being able to reveal how you were hurt takes practice, but hiding it does not make you strong. It takes bravery to talk about what made you feel lesser.

[@LorraineNold]

Assume best intent. And do your due diligence before confronting someone by trying to see the situation through their perspective. That doesn't mean ignoring the slight or your feelings, but try to have a visual of the whole field first.

[@SpeckledDude]

It's comforting to hear that even child psychologists deal with these issues. Sometimes it feels like everyone else has it all figured out, ya know?

[@23-Max-23]

Her story about Aiden was touching. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for, and sometimes they just need a little guidance to move past conflicts.

[@eliasOcarpenter]

The idea of focusing on moving forward rather than dwelling on the problem is so important. Holding grudges never helped anyone, especially kids.

[@Mari-Ama7]

This was excellent 👏🏽 As someone who has been told they're too sensitive for years, i needed this! To know that children have conflict 3 times an hour lets me know. I will basically run into minor conflict often but i have to develop a healthy way of addressing it. Because children turn into adults. Adults

[@mtrc8]

The soft criticism technique is gold. I can see this working wonders in my household

[@DrFriendtastic]

It really is the best thing I've ever invented! People talk about sandwiching a criticism between two positive remarks, but nobody hears the positives when there's a negative in the middle! Honestly seeing the situation from the other person's point of view and acknowledging it by opening with an excuse for why they did what they did puts us on the same page. It raises empathy, lowers anger, and gets around the normal defensiveness we all have.

[@g8m8]

Needed to see this, thank you Eileen🤗🤗🤗

[@selitudenow]

Those stats on how often kids are mean to each other blew my mind. Every 2-3 minutes?! Makes me feel better about my own kids' squabbles tbh

[@jerrygrundfest7824]

I liked the idea of talking to the bully/mean person in a non-aggressive way, e.g. "that wasn't nice' or "that was mean." Being asse45ive rather than passive or aggressive.

[@finntwebster]

Reframing those minor incidents as "ordinary meanness" is actually pretty helpful. To see it as a normal part of growing up means we can help our kids navigate it instead of just trying to eliminate it entirely.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Yes! Also, calling every little bit of meanness "bullying," trivializes the very serious cases of peer abuse.

[@valeriegervais]

The talk made me reflect on my own childhood... I was incredibly sensitive and I wonder how different things might've been if I'd had these tools back then.

[@nicopetey]

She makes some great points around the 4:00 minute mark and it makes me think that maybe that's what's happening with "cancel culture" - people being oversensitive and accusing others of that power imbalance behavior when really it's just regular meanness.

[@leposunce6016]

wish my school had this kind of insight when i was growing up. coulda used some of these strategies to deal with the mean kids instead of just labeling everything as bullying.

[@karahzongster5559]

her point about empathy blind spots is spot on. I've caught myself doing this with coworkers I find annoying. Definitely something to be more mindful of.

[@adelaidedupont9017]

Separation and reunion does work well for ordinary meanness as well.

[@Steven-Francis]

Man when I went to school, if you told anyone in charge someone was being mean to you or bullying you you were called a dobber and things got immeasurably worse lol I'm glad to see things are different now and there's a bit more help navigating it all

[@thisismindfulness]

Interesting point about how anti-bullying efforts can sometimes lead to overuse of the term "bullying." We definitely need to be more precise with our language.

[@victhatsme]

Wow the thing about those girls making a whole website about what they didn't like about that girl is just so extreme. I don't have kids so I've never thought about how they'd be bringing technology into bullying.

[@alionafrunza5838]

Ive heard her before, really like her stuff

[@themessimadetoday]

The points she makes around the 4:00 minute mark make me think this is where the last few generations have gone wrong. The "softening the blow" kind of attitude. I know some kids are more sensitive than others but learning that sometimes life is disappointing is a huge lesson that I don't think has been taught well enough over the years

[@gavin-morris]

Solid advice overall, but I think some situations might need more intervention than she suggests. Still, it's good to have these tools in our parenting toolbox.

[@noraandrews8215]

I'm fascinated by her point about how conflict is unavoidable, even among friends. It's a relief, actually that it seems like it's just part of growing up but what happens once you are done growing... if you're still having those conflicts 😅

[@DrFriendtastic]

Most of us wander through life assuming, "Pretty much everyone thinks and feels the way I do!" Conflict help us discover that that's not necessarily true! The key is to learn to handle those unavoidable conflicts with clear communication and compassion.

[@axelrespert3498]

such a wake-up call. We need to teach conflict resolution skills just as much as we teach math or reading. Maybe more.

[@averagestudent4632]

should be a core subject in school

[@stewynotthedog]

I'm surprised by how much of this advice applies to grown up relationships too. Guess we never really outgrow some of these challenges

[@DrFriendtastic]

The number one reaction I get from parents to my books/podcast is "This applies to adults, too!" We don't just figure out relationships at age 9 and then we're done. Even as adults, in new situations and new relationships, we keep needing to learn!

[@waltersiegismund]

I cringed a bit hearing about all the ways kids reject each other. brings back some not-so-great memories...

[@DeliriousGentleman]

she’s got a point about how casually we throw around the term "bullying". We need to be more precise with our language.

[@glenbeckernotthatoneeither]

The distinction between bullying and ordinary meanness is interesting. Definitely important to take real bullying seriously, but also not blow every conflict out of proportion.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Exactly!!!

[@therealfocusguru]

I had to laugh at her opening, I used to tutor kids and yes, they can be incredibly mean without even trying or realizing they're doing it

[@DrFriendtastic]

So true!

[@edolieshars]

Man I wish more people understood this. Kids are mean! They don't _mean_ to be they just haven't learnt enough about how to treat people and what is and isn't socially acceptable

[@mattgruic]

the bit about preschool friends having conflicts every 20 minutes is wild. makes me feel better about my toddler's meltdowns with her bestie lol

[@DrFriendtastic]

Getting along with people is hard. Especially when they grab your favorite toy and won't share! hahaha

[@mattgruic]

@@DrFriendtastic how true, thanks

[@subrotob]

Wonderful ❤

[@aurorafontez]

This talk is a game-changer for how I think about playground conflicts. Time to retire the "just ignore it" advice!

[@DrFriendtastic]

It's tricky. We have to find that middle ground between ignoring serious problems and solving every minor hiccup for kids. Both extremes get in the way of kids developing the skills they need to build strong and caring relationships. Empathy, perspective-taking, emotion regulation, problem-solving...these are skills kids will need throughout their lives.

[@nathanisenhour4420]

This occurs even at companies inside the place of work.. Suttle. But occurs. Through cliques or I call it work gang mentality . These mental attitudes carry over into adulthood into their the work environments. Sure. Companies have policies.. As for youngsters. Depends on personal environments.

[@danielkarmy4893]

Ha, that's weird...I read the title and thought 'what? My Nana's been dead three years, and now she's doing TED talks?!' (her name was Eileen Kennedy...)

[@katyabradova]

Can't help but feel like some people never grow out of the "being mean every 20 minutes" phase

[@Healthyaffairs]

❤

[@chelseashurmantine8153]

You gotta fix your tags Ted! I searched “bullying vs meanness Ted” and this didn’t come up.

[@Gigawattt]

Great talk! Too bad they blast the intro and outtro music geez! Both gave me a heart attack

[@lucastanard]

Okay I know it was a shyttty thing to do but the fact that kids can make whole websites is actually crazy

[@brodyalexandra]

Okay hearing about that study sort of did my head in a bit, kids being mean every 2-3 minutes even the non-aggressive ones?? Like what are they counting as mean behaviour?

[@stanhopeishere]

Never considered how saying "you've been bullied" could actually be harmful to a kid. It does kinda frame them as a helpless victim, doesn't it?

[@theheadzombie]

The stat about preschoolers having 3 conflicts an hour made me laugh. Guess my kids are normal after all!

[@kingbrantley]

What should you do if you think your kid is the one being a bully?

[@HertzMiao]

Llegué a 200k hoy. Estoy realmente agradecido por todo el conocimiento y las pepitas que me habéis brindado durante los últimos meses. Comenzó con 14k en junio de 2022, gracias Sra. Stacey Meredith

[@1LilyThings]

Okay I knew kids were mean but I didn't know it was _that bad_ honestly where does that behavior even come from

[@ihavecoolthings]

man, that part about the woman in her 30s still crying over high school bullying... really shows how deep those scars can go. makes you think twice about brushing off "kid stuff".

[@WillEstate]

👀

[@MdRoni-g7v]

Live

[@maya_unplugged]

Her “friends” made that website??? For sure not. Friends would NEVER do such thing. Those were clasmates and enemies. As a clinical psychologist you should know this is a huge difference. 🤬

[@DrFriendtastic]

You're right. I misspoke. I should have said "classmates" or "former friends."

[@FazliddinSaydullayevbek]

So

[@paddywilson-humble3003]

Bad kids come from bad parents

[@1LilyThings]

I think that's oversimplifying things... you can be a bad person and a good parent though, so even if you've done a good job bringing your kid up they see the way you behave and treat others and think it's okay

[@SamyratOwezgeldiyew]

Halow

[@uaps28]

Today (Monday, 8th July, 2024), another dreadful deluge of TedXTalks! Far too many uploads, the majority of them mediocre and we've heard them all before. This channel sucks now. It's absolute JUNK!

[@shannelnasir2218]

that story about the "We Hate Marla" website was brutal. kids can be so cruel sometimes. glad she's addressing this stuff.