Conflict resolution on the playground | Eileen Kennedy-Moore | TEDxAsburyPark

Meanness is fairly common among children. It’s often a byproduct of frustration. It’s always an opportunity to learn about relationships, negotiation and compromise.
Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore (also known as “Dr. Friendtastic”) is an author, psychologist, and mom of four, based in Princeton, NJ. She is the creator of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, where she answers questions from children about making and keeping friends. Her blog, Growing Friendships, on Psychology Today, has over 5 million views. Dr. Kennedy-Moore has been featured many times in major media, including Live with Kelly and Ryan and The New York Times. Her recent books include Moody Moody Cars (for ages 4-8), Growing Feelings (for ages 6-12), and Kid Confidence (for parents). This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@marierosko]

Her examples really bring the concepts to life. I can totally picture these playground scenarios playing out at my kids' school

[@theshare3780]

her approach to handling conflict without labeling it as bullying is really refreshing. Kids need to learn resilience, not feel like victims every time someone’s mean.

[@kathywinter]

loving the "maybe game" idea. gonna try that with my kids next time they're upset about something a friend did. great way to teach perspective-taking.

[@robinbrunel1696]

Ooft this kinda hits close to home... I was horrifically bullied in grade school and the first year of high school. I remember thinking I'd rather unalive myself than have to go through that kind of treatment and yeah, it absolutely sticks with you

[@yassacrown]

she nailed it when she said adults haven’t figured out world peace, so how can we expect kids to get along perfectly? Sums it up so well!

[@alexBBmichaels]

I'm glad to see this stuff being spoken about. Yeah kids are mean and some are a lot more sensitive than others. I don't think we'll ever get to a point where bullying doesn't exist but learning to manage it better is a good start

[@natashaislier]

I love how she focuses on empowering kids to stand up for themselves in a healthy way. Not everything requires intervention from grown ups

[@DrFriendtastic]

This is so true! When we adults step in to solve problems kids could solve on their own (or with some behind-the-scenes coaching), we steal their opportunity to develop coping skills!

[@margotaylor-ritchie5937]

It’s refreshing to hear someone say that not every conflict is a crisis. Kids will have disagreements - it’s part of growing up.

[@WEisMEnow]

It's so true that as parents, we often jump to the word “bullying,” but not every conflict deserves that label. Really makes me rethink how I want to respond to my kids.

[@DrFriendtastic]

The pull of the mother-lioness-protecting-her-cub impulse can be automatic and strong, but it's not always in the best interest of our kids. It's tricky figuring out when to step in and when to give our kids room to struggle (with our guidance and support, if needed).

[@finntwebster]

Reframing those minor incidents as "ordinary meanness" is actually pretty helpful. To see it as a normal part of growing up means we can help our kids navigate it instead of just trying to eliminate it entirely.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Yes! Also, calling every little bit of meanness "bullying," trivializes the very serious cases of peer abuse.

[@lola-l-o-l-a-lola]

I didn’t realize how important that power dynamic is in determining what counts as bullying. Definitely a concept that should be talked about more!

[@eliasOcarpenter]

The idea of focusing on moving forward rather than dwelling on the problem is so important. Holding grudges never helped anyone, especially kids.

[@TheLaidbackSquirrel]

I loved how she talked about empathy blind spots. It’s so easy to forget that kids sometimes just don’t see how their actions affect others.

[@nanburkhardt]

Learning how to deal with ordinary meanness is such an important life skill, not just for kids but for adults too

[@2degucitas]

I told my older sister how I was bullied and "chose" for an after school fight, and she said, "those kids are insecure and that's why they do it." I said, "yeah that's good to know, but they'll just do it again tomorrow!"

[@vikassharma3297]

❤❤

[@anabarbara9192]

You have a bad sister. I was bullied during 1 year and half. Ir was bad.

[@JTandLittleB]

that's so crazy! sorry you had to go through that ❤I also think it is kids and adults with nothing else going on in their life so they come up with a sad excuse for an activity, lol. people who want to fight should go into that sport and leave normal people alone. When I was in college, one night at this bar, this other girl wanted to fight me... it was so weird, but thankfully, I was in a group of tall girls, like 5'11 girls and I'm 5'1😂 I told one of my friends and she gave the other girl a look and for the rest if the night, that other girl left me alone... I guess they singled me out because I was petite or something 😅

[@alenaadamkova5322]

Children have mirror neurons in brain and they mimic adults words and behavior, as Dr. Bruce Lipton and Dr. Joe Dispenza say. Adults also have mirror neurons in brain but they choose whom they will mimic, because adults use analytical part of brain. The brain is emotionally finished at age 25.

[@ЗаурешРсбекова]

I remember we had a fight being students with a crowd of local girls in another town. We didn't expect that, but they were prepared to beat us. They were a few of us, though we didn't give up. People fought we were heroes, because among those girls were prisoners.

[@jackanslow]

her point about empathy blind spots is so true. I've totally seen kids (and adults) justify being mean to someone they've labeled as "annoying" or "weird". We need to call that out more.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Yes, it can be shocking how people (kids and adults) who are generally good and kind sometimes can be casually cruel to certain people whose feelings they believe "don't count." They may even feel righteous about this meanness!

[@ThreadIT]

Man I wish more parents were seeing this kind of message. I feel like they all think their kids are perfect angels who don't ever do anything wrong

[@selitudenow]

Those stats on how often kids are mean to each other blew my mind. Every 2-3 minutes?! Makes me feel better about my own kids' squabbles tbh

[@maureenwatters321]

Great point about how our kids can contribute to conflicts too. It's easy to always blame the other kid, but teaching our own kids accountability is crucial.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Very true! I think our instinct as parents is often to protect our kids. If it's genuine bullying, and our kid is truly powerless, that might make sense, but whenever possible, teaching kids to handle those unavoidable friendship rough spots is more empowering.

[@olgasladekova]

I liked how she pointed out that kindness isn’t easy for kids (or adults!) but it's something worth striving for and I do think it gets easier the more you practice it

[@DrFriendtastic]

❤

[@SpeckledDude]

It's comforting to hear that even child psychologists deal with these issues. Sometimes it feels like everyone else has it all figured out, ya know?

[@marcusatticuslordandrule]

I’ve used that “soft criticism” approach without even realizing it! It really works with my kids.

[@DrFriendtastic]

:) I think it's important to start with the assumption of good intentions, even when someone messes up!

[@victhatsme]

Wow the thing about those girls making a whole website about what they didn't like about that girl is just so extreme. I don't have kids so I've never thought about how they'd be bringing technology into bullying.

[@johnbradey]

Brilliant talk and subject, so important.

[@chancecormac]

This should be seen in schools, by students and educators.

[@sandynharris]

I like how she balances acknowledging the seriousness of bullying while also putting everyday conflicts in perspective. It's a tricky line to walk but this is all really helpful advice

[@leposunce6016]

wish my school had this kind of insight when i was growing up. coulda used some of these strategies to deal with the mean kids instead of just labeling everything as bullying.

[@Fitz-Gerald]

Interesting how she points out that anti-bullying efforts might inadvertently trivialize serious cases. Never thought about it that way before.

[@TheBigFlameDrone]

I really appreciate the distinction she makes between bullying and meanness and yes, when poor conflict resolution has taken place all kinds of accusations start getting thrown around

[@theauthenticchilleddog]

I love the practical advice here. The "maybe game" sounds like a great tool for helping kids (and adults!) develop perspective-taking skills. Gonna try this with my son.

[@DavidBSacks1]

Dr. Kennedy-Moore, this is terrific! Ordinary meanness isn’t bullying, and we all need to learn the various ways to be strong and handle it. Lessons here for kids, parents, and adults. THANK YOU!

[@natashahenderson9350]

This was great! My kids love listening to her Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast!

[@LisaKestlerPsychology]

THANK YOU, EILEEN! This is an excellent lesson I've struggled to articulate with my kid clients. My middle school clients especially could benefit from learning to spot their "empathy blind spots". I will be sharing this!

[@mtrc8]

The soft criticism technique is gold. I can see this working wonders in my household

[@DrFriendtastic]

It really is the best thing I've ever invented! People talk about sandwiching a criticism between two positive remarks, but nobody hears the positives when there's a negative in the middle! Honestly seeing the situation from the other person's point of view and acknowledging it by opening with an excuse for why they did what they did puts us on the same page. It raises empathy, lowers anger, and gets around the normal defensiveness we all have.

[@azureopal]

I wish more schools would focus on teaching kids how to handle conflict instead of just pretending it doesn’t happen or giving out adverse punishments for it

[@DrFriendtastic]

Yes! A prosecutorial approach, figuring out who is most at fault, doesn't help kids cope with ordinary disagreements and mistakes. True bullying is a different matter.

[@gavin-morris]

Solid advice overall, but I think some situations might need more intervention than she suggests. Still, it's good to have these tools in our parenting toolbox.

[@rahataleem6544]

This is a great message, I remember heaps of anti-bullying campaigns when I was in school and it definitely made everything get turned into "bullying" when it really wasn't

[@julestrescott]

Empathy blind spots, such a simple but powerful concept. It’s amazing how kids (and even adults) can ignore the feelings of others just because they find them annoying.

[@Steven-Francis]

Man when I went to school, if you told anyone in charge someone was being mean to you or bullying you you were called a dobber and things got immeasurably worse lol I'm glad to see things are different now and there's a bit more help navigating it all

[@poojadelinaer]

Children can be incredibly mean though and I'm glad we're working towards making the distinction between that and actual ongoing bullying

[@maryalvord3248]

Excellent distinctions. Love the maybe game to help kids to see other possibilities. Flexible thinking is always helpful!

[@therealbobhunter]

My kid once thought he was being bullied just because someone didn’t pick him for a team and it really was tough to explain the difference

[@DrFriendtastic]

Kids, by definition, lack perspective. They just haven't been around that long! I'm sure that moment was very painful for your kid. AND I'm sure your kid managed to get through it. That's important learning. As adults, we know that's not the last disappointment your kid will face. Knowing they were strong enough to get through that one could make it easier to handle the next one. Dr. Eli Lebowitz talks about giving our kids the gifts of empathy (because those tough moments are tough!) plus confidence (because we know they're strong enough to get through those tough moments, even when they don't yet know that).

[@dr.lisedeguire7907]

What a wonderfully informative talk. Thank you so much, Dr. Kennedy-Moore!

[@jerrygrundfest7824]

I liked the idea of talking to the bully/mean person in a non-aggressive way, e.g. "that wasn't nice' or "that was mean." Being asse45ive rather than passive or aggressive.

[@karahzongster5559]

her point about empathy blind spots is spot on. I've caught myself doing this with coworkers I find annoying. Definitely something to be more mindful of.

[@gabrielivar]

I appreciate the emphasis on teaching kids to be 'upstanders' rather than bystanders. If the kind of cruelness that happens in schools can be stopped by other kids just not standing for it I think that'd make a huge difference

[@sylviecannon]

Thank you so much for this Eileen, I truly struggle with when to intervene and when to just let things play out. This gives some really good guidelines!

[@leilaniresterdin]

The distinction between byllying and ordinary meanness is crucial. It healps us address behaviors appropriately and teach children the importance of empathy and understanding.

[@geraldemery1417]

I've not connected the dots before on how ordinary meanness is a thing that just happens amongst kids. It's actually good to know that no ones a target of it, it's just how kids are

[@duncanboone8226]

The idea of giving an "excuse" before criticizing is brilliant. It's like a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Hahaha! Yes! And it puts us on the same side in solving the problem rather than against each other and handing out blame.

[@charlesaddington]

This is awesome! the earlier we can teach kids how to resolve their own problems the better, those are skills they'll need for life, might as well start early!

[@thisismindfulness]

Interesting point about how anti-bullying efforts can sometimes lead to overuse of the term "bullying." We definitely need to be more precise with our language.

[@averagestudent4632]

should be a core subject in school

[@havamendelberg3323]

Very helpful to children, parents, and teachers. Thanks.

[@g8m8]

Needed to see this, thank you Eileen🤗🤗🤗

[@janiceglanders]

I remember thinking it was the end of the world if there was any conflict in my relationships but when you deal with them head on you realize it's fine! It actually strengthens those friendships because you know it won't just be thrown away at the first disagreement. I wish I had learnt that stuff as a kid, I think I would have been way less of a people pleaser.

[@valeriegervais]

The talk made me reflect on my own childhood... I was incredibly sensitive and I wonder how different things might've been if I'd had these tools back then.

[@adelaidedupont9017]

Separation and reunion does work well for ordinary meanness as well.

[@idreamtranslator1]

this is where a good community starts

[@archiefast]

The maybe game sounds like a really good way to teach kids to look at situations from different angles.... I'm definitely using it at home!

[@janegeegeehogge]

My daughter went through something similar - her friend didn’t sit with her at lunch, and she thought it was the end of the world! I know it must have felt like that for her so I tried to be kind in explaining that it's okay for people to want to make friends with other people!

[@DrFriendtastic]

Yes, out kids are going to face those unavoidable friendship rough spots, but, especially with support and guidance, they can learn from them. They can learn about getting along and communicating well and also about their own strength and resilience.

[@themessimadetoday]

The points she makes around the 4:00 minute mark make me think this is where the last few generations have gone wrong. The "softening the blow" kind of attitude. I know some kids are more sensitive than others but learning that sometimes life is disappointing is a huge lesson that I don't think has been taught well enough over the years

[@toxic-head-shot]

I agree we can't just label everything as bullying. Essential to educate adults and children alike.

[@noraandrews8215]

I'm fascinated by her point about how conflict is unavoidable, even among friends. It's a relief, actually that it seems like it's just part of growing up but what happens once you are done growing... if you're still having those conflicts 😅

[@DrFriendtastic]

Most of us wander through life assuming, "Pretty much everyone thinks and feels the way I do!" Conflict help us discover that that's not necessarily true! The key is to learn to handle those unavoidable conflicts with clear communication and compassion.

[@zeldaselsta]

This talk is a great reminder that kids need guidance on how to handle social situations, not just protection from them. We can't bubble wrap their whole lives!!

[@DrFriendtastic]

Very true! Even adults struggle with this. I see a lot of people dismissing others as "toxic" or whatever. Maybe they are, and a cut-off is the only alternative, or maybe they're imperfect human beings, like us, and we need to figure out how to listen/speak up/move forward in better ways.

[@geraldsolley]

This is a far cry from the dynamics I grew up with!

[@waltersiegismund]

I cringed a bit hearing about all the ways kids reject each other. brings back some not-so-great memories...

[@alionafrunza5838]

Ive heard her before, really like her stuff

[@stewynotthedog]

I'm surprised by how much of this advice applies to grown up relationships too. Guess we never really outgrow some of these challenges

[@DrFriendtastic]

The number one reaction I get from parents to my books/podcast is "This applies to adults, too!" We don't just figure out relationships at age 9 and then we're done. Even as adults, in new situations and new relationships, we keep needing to learn!

[@hudsonhhack]

That story about the girl who thought she was being excluded on the bus was so sad. It’s such a small thing, but for kids, those moments can feel huge.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Absolutely! Children's friendship challenges are very poignant! They may seem small to us, as adults, but they loom large to kids. That's why I do my free, weekly, 5-min. podcast for children, Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. It's available on all the podcast apps.

[@prisonermalloy5022]

Love the emphasis on teaching kids how to be in relationships. It's such a crucial life skill that often gets overlooked and then when people grow up we wonder why they're so terrible at it

[@immayasass]

This talk should be in schools, or at PTA meetings

[@happyamandaryan]

Such good advice, I'm sharing this with my pre-school moms group chat!

[@jim-chew]

"more socially powerful" is so spot on, and such a strange dynamic to grapple with as a child

[@nataschaweiss]

americans needs to hear this talk now!!!!

[@marianaattentio]

I’ve seen this happen between my daughter’s group of friends and it's usually just ordinary meanness

[@Mari-Ama7]

This was excellent 👏🏽 As someone who has been told they're too sensitive for years, i needed this! To know that children have conflict 3 times an hour lets me know. I will basically run into minor conflict often but i have to develop a healthy way of addressing it. Because children turn into adults. Adults

[@DeliriousGentleman]

she’s got a point about how casually we throw around the term "bullying". We need to be more precise with our language.

[@axelrespert3498]

such a wake-up call. We need to teach conflict resolution skills just as much as we teach math or reading. Maybe more.

[@dereksunder]

"It's disappointing but it's not personal" honestly this is seriously valuable for a lot of people to hear, not just kids.

[@edolieshars]

Man I wish more people understood this. Kids are mean! They don't _mean_ to be they just haven't learnt enough about how to treat people and what is and isn't socially acceptable

[@therealfocusguru]

I had to laugh at her opening, I used to tutor kids and yes, they can be incredibly mean without even trying or realizing they're doing it

[@DrFriendtastic]

So true!

[@glenbeckernotthatoneeither]

The distinction between bullying and ordinary meanness is interesting. Definitely important to take real bullying seriously, but also not blow every conflict out of proportion.

[@DrFriendtastic]

Exactly!!!

[@theheadzombie]

The stat about preschoolers having 3 conflicts an hour made me laugh. Guess my kids are normal after all!

[@yoghurt-cup]

I never thought about how telling kids they’re “bullied” could make them feel powerless. teaching them to handle meanness on their own seems so much more empowering.

[@annerossiter]

V glad to have seen this, thx

[@isabelledanska]

This talk should be required viewing for all parents and teachers. So much practical wisdom here.

[@subrotob]

Wonderful ❤

[@shystrshystr]

The example of "We Hate Marla" illustrates how damaging ordinary meanness can be though

[@robertaherron]

I feel like sometimes kids downplay serious things and embellish little things like you can't ever know what really happened, so finding that middle ground can be tricky

[@tarasuppleton]

I love this advice, though I'm also very curious about conflict resolution for adults. thoughts or tips?

[@EstelleReyes-yg3qv]

You can't control how people act, you can only control how you react. Stop worrying about things that you can't change, it's ultimately futile to pay attention to those things.

[@MichellerBezanson]

One technique that I've learned how to use (but am still perfecting) is refusal to escalate. When I'm talking with someone I start at a calm baseline and never escalate from there, even if the other party escalates their emotions drastically.

[@EthelPankey]

Verbalizing your needs from a neutral perspective is always productive. Holding them in for the long term is almost always unproductive. Obviously there is a time and a place, but don't pass on an opportunity to express yourself.

[@JulieDaniel-yt1sl]

Vulnerability is strength. Being able to reveal how you were hurt takes practice, but hiding it does not make you strong. It takes bravery to talk about what made you feel lesser.

[@LorraineNold]

Assume best intent. And do your due diligence before confronting someone by trying to see the situation through their perspective. That doesn't mean ignoring the slight or your feelings, but try to have a visual of the whole field first.

[@mattgruic]

the bit about preschool friends having conflicts every 20 minutes is wild. makes me feel better about my toddler's meltdowns with her bestie lol

[@DrFriendtastic]

Getting along with people is hard. Especially when they grab your favorite toy and won't share! hahaha

[@mattgruic]

@@DrFriendtastic how true, thanks

[@katyabradova]

Can't help but feel like some people never grow out of the "being mean every 20 minutes" phase

[@DivaBliss]

My son went through something similar with a friend. Wish I had known about the “maybe game” back then!

[@nicopetey]

She makes some great points around the 4:00 minute mark and it makes me think that maybe that's what's happening with "cancel culture" - people being oversensitive and accusing others of that power imbalance behavior when really it's just regular meanness.

[@nathanisenhour4420]

This occurs even at companies inside the place of work.. Suttle. But occurs. Through cliques or I call it work gang mentality . These mental attitudes carry over into adulthood into their the work environments. Sure. Companies have policies.. As for youngsters. Depends on personal environments.

[@HertzMiao]

Llegué a 200k hoy. Estoy realmente agradecido por todo el conocimiento y las pepitas que me habéis brindado durante los últimos meses. Comenzó con 14k en junio de 2022, gracias Sra. Stacey Meredith

[@23-Max-23]

Her story about Aiden was touching. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for, and sometimes they just need a little guidance to move past conflicts.

[@DrFriendtastic]

♥

[@23-Max-23]

@@DrFriendtastic great talk...

[@lucastanard]

Okay I know it was a shyttty thing to do but the fact that kids can make whole websites is actually crazy

[@Dollspell]

Please release part 2: Conflict Resolution in the Boardroom - some of those C level execs are as bad as kids with their egos