Coping Methods You Learned As A Child, that are Keeping You Stuck Now

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There are coping methods we learned as children that helped us get through really difficult things in our childhood. The problem is, we carry many of those same coping methods into adulthood, but they are no longer helpful to us, and are often at the root of what keeps us stuck. Here I teach you what some of those coping methods are, and then show you how to work through them to get yourself unstuck.
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[@zaknorthrop4855]

🤯😲 You didn't mention this explicitly, though one of the takeaways for me is realizing I've been living with continuous criticism and not supporting myself well. Due to witnessing this so much growing up I apparently have adopted this subconsciously and convinced myself this treatment is okay. It is not, and today I will work on being kinder and more more supportive towards myself! Thank you Julia for sharing your insights and encouraging healthier habits in mental health

[@gilbrook]

Self-love is so very important.

[@juliakristinamah]

Self-compassion is so so powerful - and I'm really happy to hear your commitment to be more kind and compassionate toward yourself.

[@Mushroom321-]

THANK YOU FOR SHARING your experience!! 😮😮 Congratulations 🎉to self awareness. There's empowerment in that ! Thats the 1st start !! 😊

[@Mushroom321-]

Rembering getting recognition for " clean room " !! 😮😮 Makes SENSE !!! THE SYMPTOMS THAT come from it !!! 😮😮

[@user-mh6ix3zr8c]

Almost in tears listening to this. I have put myself down my whole adult life because criticism was all I knew. I was also undiagnosed ADHD until 21. Always felt like I needed to be perfect and perform to receive love and I could never hit that mark.

[@jonwhitney9559]

I used to be trapped in " people pleasing"- not any more. I know my worth and it is not dependent upon anyone else. It is a dramatically freeing experience!

[@jonwhitney9559]

I went through the " not good enough" narrative with my Parents- I was never like "steve, or rick" - comparisons were made- instead of celebrating the person I was becoming. This created problems then and now.

[@sandicastroprice2334]

Thank you Julia. I have really worked on this year to let go and live a different from old coping skills of my childhood. I watch my words and actions when I talk to myself & others. I was a caregiver to two family members with severe mental illness at the age of 8. I learned to caretake & people please. I learn to isolate. My voice didn’t matter. Now, the family members are gone. I choose to live a different way. When I see the old coping behaviors I try to stop, find a more productive way to deal with what I’m reacting to. I still have my days. I have learned to love myself with no strings attached. I have looked for outward endorsement for many years. Now, I thank myself for a good job at work & home. My husband & I look forward to your video. You give me hope to live another way than what I grew up just surviving. I live as a warrior not a victim. I remember my phrase from somewhere. There is a reason the review mirror is small and the windshield is big. I look forward and look at my past yet live today looking forward not carrying old behaviors that don't work for anymore Sorry the long comment. Your video inspired me.

[@Mushroom321-]

Great SHARING YOUR EXPERIENCE & how the video helped you !!! 😮😮

[@jonwhitney9559]

There was no "perfectionism" or avoidance practices in my childhood - or at least not in the way you noted- My Parents expressed pride in my achievements- but rarely seemed to encourage me to go forward with my apparent creative gifts- I was untethered and never had a focus on any one thing- I enjoyed creating art- I had some talent in it- I read at several grade levels above my classmates- but this was never something that was celebrated- it's as though my Parents didn't either know that this would have helped me ( them noticing my skill sets) or that encouraging me to do more with my talents. My Dysfunctional Family was full of chaos and drama- I isolated because I didn't want to participate in the upset- I have let people walk all over me- in the Past- not anymore! I have value and self-worth- not dependent upon others viewpoint.

[@Rls1020]

Yes, as you yourself say, Julia, I always felt my parents loved me for my "Yes". When I started having opinions of my own and didn't always say "Yes", there was a lot less love in the air...

[@daniellejones6339]

I have to say that this hit home more than you'll ever know. This is exactly who i've been... I'm fifty four years old i've lived my whole life like this. What do I do now🥺

[@FriskyTendervittles]

Self awareness and practice 😊

[@williammccarthy7187]

I'm 57 and I feel exactly the same it seems like this was a norm back then I'm thinking the same how should I move forward? I know one thing I will re-write my new chapter from this time forward.

[@johnjohnstone9805]

I think I suffer perfectionism real bad I struggle to accept simple faults or lack of understanding I think I have gone into denial about it, and have started a daily program of simple honesty, even calling myself out, now the truth about myself is more important than anything. It is a bit humiliating to realize I'm still living from childhood defense mechanisms though. Once you can get past the disgust at realizing your actual level, curiosity and compassion coming in, the lifelong block starts to break up. I Was trying to live as if already "over it" but never was and was constantly tripping over myself. Was really frustrated by people who wouldn't buy into my illusion of being over it.

[@Rob9mm]

Excellent! Took me a long time to realize there is nothing wrong with me and boy, is that ever a game changer!

[@juliakristinamah]

Yesssss. This is music to my ears.

[@starlite0784]

Relate, my mum was browbeaten and I learned that my needs weren't important!! I developed an eating disorder in my teenage years. Overeating became my way of coping...Then I starved myself as a teen to get thin. I have struggled and still do all my life with overeating as a comfort behaviour,,,,,,really relate...

[@Mushroom321-]

Yes, AVOIDENCE OF PHONE NOTIFICATIONS definitely helps w/ self protection !! When situations WERE UNPREDICTABLE.. !! 😮😮 🙄😲😲

[@ClearBlueSky1]

Oh boy ! This is Bittersweet for me because I love Julia's videos but I relate to ALL of these !! Initially this just made me sad but I'm also realising that some tendencies and behaviours are not as strong as they were before and I'm working on myself to reduce them consciously too , especially setting boundaries with people taking me for granted, not isolating myself and getting rid of the perfectionism! So there is some progress there , but thank you for opening my eyes !! ❤️ I'll try to reduce them with time and self compassion and not in an obsessive perfectionist way ( which I have done in the past 😅) !

[@Dezzyyx]

Thanks for the video on this, I requested it on FB and you replied with a "Yes!". Very enlightening!

[@Nina-ur3ld]

❤

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad you found it helpful. Thanks for the request!

[@mariajoaodionisio1481]

Hi, I grew up with my mother and a sister 6 years older. This sister has always been like a second mother, as my mother was always busy working. She was a very unhappy person most of the time, and we could feel and see her unhapiness. Once she got up out of bed during the night, crying and screaming she was going out of the house to kill herself under a train. When she felt happy, then it was ok, I felt safe, I felt no fear. Now, as an adult, I am living my life much on my own, also because, as a teenager, when I moved to the high school after being in a private school for girls till I was 15 years old, I couldnt adapt to the place, it was too wild and too different, so I felt different I started to prefer being on my own. Going to school was a sacrifice each day, and grades fell down as a consequence. I am now 62, dedicated my life to the practice of sport or different exercice, and my very small "social" life was much around to what I was doing as a profession or activities related to exercice. I dont have a social life actually. I dont have friends calling me to go out. I am fighting against isolation. I know I need people around me, but at the same time I know I will feel not at ease or confident enough, wondering if I will manage to show myself , the real me, which can be a lot of fun, crazy and weird, thats for sure. How do I step out of the shell and start feeling the pleasure to being with people around and not lose myself? I am also finding difficult to develop healthy relationships with men, so I see opportunities flying away from me. Sometimes I get confused, not knowing anymore what went wrong. But I have always been a fighter, though getting old and still having these issues to deal with is more tough now. I know I didnt have a normal childhood, I had problems while a teenager, so I try not to blame myself so much. But its hard to change things in order to make you life so much better.

[@skybound4040]

Thank you Julia! Watching this Video is like playing bingo with all boxes beeing checked. Often the experiences of the past feel so normal and far away that you don´t even question what happened. Your content really shines a light, both on the facts and towards hope for healing.

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad you it gave you some important shifts.

[@zzulm]

It hurts to see what a sad childhood we had, thank you for sharing.

[@davidsisson2026]

Absolutely, it hit hard sometimes when i think about how insane my parents had no idea.

[@Mushroom321-]

" WE CAN CJSNGE OUR NARRATIVE " TO.. WHAT HAPPENED ?" ( AS AN ADULT WHEN WE were kid ) instead of "Whats wrong with me "? AS an adult !! 😮😮 YES!!! 🤔👏👏👏 🎉🎉🎉💓✅️

[@lynnenicolari6601]

So very enlightening, after all these years. And the worst part is they try to make you think there’s something wrong with you and all along it was them

[@hollybilello3685]

You just perfectly described my childhood and my personality.

[@cfjohnson7369]

Thank you, Julia, for this segment! While I was in high school, I got special recognition for doing very well on a standardized test! I was stressed and ashamed, because I knew that my father's friends would hear about this and comment on this, and he wouldn't know how to respond! So, I wanted to be avoidant and to be invisible (two patterns mentioned by Julia).

[@starlite0784]

I relate to being invisible sooo much!!!

[@raiderlove5923]

This hits home for me. I learned it from my mom as I was around her most of the time I grew up. My father slept during the day and worked graveyard shift in the city. So much you are bringing up today I can, unfortunately relate to. Thank you for today's video.

[@ibrahimchaudhry9024]

You are a True Master. Thank you. 🙏🏽💐🕊💐🙏🏽

[@abdullahisskhan7628]

i like the way you speak to us, it really makes me feel important and cared for, and that you are helping me, God bless you

[@Rls1020]

Julia, this was a really good one. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that all of these were totally applicable to my now-deceased parents. You might as well have given them a "shout-out" with their first names and their photos!

[@evanbills4426]

I started listening to these videos on my way to work and I am better at being a human.

[@tanyafletcher7567]

OMG! I have all of these from my traumatic childhood. This is my whole personality.

[@simmagfm7536]

Kids should get unconditional love If the love they are getting is conditional they will likely be people pleaser inorder to get love and beat the fear of abandonment Thankyou julia

[@erinwalsh6803]

Spot on... thank you for so clearly verbalizing all of this. It helped just hearing you say it all out loud.

[@juliakristinamah]

you're so welcom. Glad you found it helpful.

[@deewashington424]

Wow! You are so right! I try to AVOID so many situations and people because I'm tired of the pain. Invisibility is more comfortable. Too bad!

[@lesliengo8347]

All of these apply to me, mainly through my parents and past teachers. I developed this belief that if I make someone upset, mad, or disappointed, I did something wrong. I also notice toxic positivity can have an influence, growing up I learned things should be happy and positive through children's shows, happy endings, etc. If not, then something is "wrong." Which makes me feel bad if I did something "wrong." Thanks for the insight Julia and I am proud to say I am working on this.

[@edwardboyle1381]

Thankyou , There are so much that has manifested in my 61 years that holds me back and not very easy to climb out. Your content of intelligent knowledge is important to me.

[@marywalker525]

Yep I am all of them. Thanks Julia for your work 🙏

[@leeannasloan2292]

This makes so much sense. I am going through this right now. My husband demands that I be "pleasing" every day, all day. His love is conditional. If you are not the perfect person then at the drop of a hat he will tell me to shut the f*CK up and knock it off. Last night I got upset because someone broke my furniture. My husband told me it was not a big deal and who gives a f*CK. It hit me wrong because I felt like I had the right to have a feeling that he did not pre approve. By the end of the night I got four hours of sleep. He held a knife to his throat and threatened to kill himself if I did not stop crying and stop being upset about my furniture.

[@lrw4140]

I would have to say I identify with all of them from one degree to another because heavy abuse was a regular thing in my family.😔

[@juliakristinamah]

Thanks for sharing. Was there something you found helpful about this talk?

[@veronicawanjiku1763]

Thank you this has opened my eyes

[@juliakristinamah]

You're welcome. Really glad you found it helpful.

[@mahmoudsalam1326]

You are teaching me how to be in connection with myself

[@gigitarot9057]

Oh my God, I was crying when what you shared was so true to me

[@juliecambronne6174]

Thank you for the specific examples to connect with in your videos. I have been listening for a couple years now. You have so many insights that have been impactful in my life. Lots of reminders to be curious and question. Who we are today doesn’t come from nowhere. There is a reason behind our thinking. I think one of my greatest take aways today is to pay attention to my narrative. We are such critics of ourselves. I am working on not holding my thoughts in and let people know in a respectful way my opinions. I grew up feeling like I needed to think like everyone else so I would agree with others and not express my true thoughts. It is crazy to think about now but it is also so engrained in me it still pops out sometimes when I’m insecure.

[@kelseyshae]

could we see a video of having the opposite coping mechanisms? i resonate with all of the feelings you were discussing but not the reactions. instead of being someone that gets walked on and stays quiet, i feel like i would react opposite and be overbearing or demand care or things like that. i would love to learn more about these mechanisms and how to break them

[@change4me]

Literally almost all of these topics are me except one…😢 a lot to unpack from this one ❤

[@zoeezaa2102]

That was so deep and amazing thank you 🙏🏻

[@juliakristinamah]

You're so welcome. Glad you found it helpful.

[@LoveKeepsGiving]

I think 15:03 is a very powerful moment of introspection. Thank you so, so very much for putting these very powerful and thought-provoking videos out there. They're truly altering my life for the better. Much love and courage!

[@Diachachimba]

Well this hit home

[@gediminasmurauskas7817]

Thank You, Julia Kristina!!! Today's topic resounds deeply with me. I have several of childhood coping mechanisms that have not served me well in adulthood. Among those that you have noted, people-pleasing and perfection very much 'hit home'. I also became an expert at compartmentalization, and it has been challenging to move beyond or away from this in adulthood.

[@daisyrowaro44]

Thank you Julia this was awesome! Much appreciated.

[@tfrizz2050]

Shifter here. 😊 Thank you, Julia! I think I can tick all the boxes.

[@juliakristinamah]

Hi Taylor! So good to see you here. What did you find helpful about this talk?

[@jeffreypollan308]

This checked all my boxes.

[@CherbearAnn]

Thank you so much!

[@Grumpybearbeats]

🐻Julia...my KZbin coach ...your really good..thank u !

[@bruceprigge5212]

Thank you ! 😊

[@edwardboyle1381]

This whole video connected with me with out a doubt😅

[@missyluna8286]

THANK YOUUU!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH ! ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ "EVER SO WARMLY PRESENTED TOO" DEEPEST RESPECT IN MY RESPONSE TO A UNDENIABLE TRUTH OF SUCH WE'LL EARNT EFFORTS ON YOUR CHANNEL. YIPPY ..🌻🌞🤗 A BIG YAAY FOR ME AND, OF COURSE ALL THE FELLOW VIEWERS AS WELL I'M SURE- NOT HAVING TO STATE THE OBVIOUS.. THO I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN THE WELL KNOWN QUOTE, A SAYING WE SEEM TO USE FREQUENTLY HERE IN Oz 🇦🇺 (And) ..The quote is : "GIVE CREDIT, WHERE CREDIT IS DUE" 👍👍💛 FEELING VERY BLESSED TO HAVE FOUND YOU ON KZbin GREAT CONTENT- (Again, thanking you!! ) SUCH A TRUE,TRUE REAL BEAUTIFUL GIFT TO US- MUCHLY APPRECIATED! ..LOVING YOUR HIGH VIBE!. GRATITUDE OVERWHELM IN REGARDS TO BE INVESTING AS YOU'VE HAVE DONE, IN YOUR EXPERTISE OF ALL YOUR MATERIA.L. 🙏🌈✨ EXTREMELY PRIVILEGED HERE ALL THE WAY FROM Oz.. AS MOST ARE PROBABLY AWARE THAT IN OUR COUNTRY BEING FAMOUSLY NAMED AND KNOWN AS: " G'DAY " OUR SLANG IS FROM THE LAND OF DOWN UNDER" 🇦🇺 Big hugs to/and of the collective 🤗😊

[@davidbruce6479]

Good video Julia, hope all well 🙏

[@ebbenielsen7]

I could miss the coping strategy of shame and shaming oneself in the holy name of attachment.

[@glennalaymon8627]

Any suggestions on me creating self sabotage had a great chance at my job that I finally built trust with. And ruined it

[@rorymercury4519]

I loved this🫶

[@TullyRose3790]

THIS!! WOW

[@emilyvay6369]

I feel like I need a check for all the above 😢

[@pennyhare925]

I do this all , what to do to change ?

[@arlenechaparro529]

As a child I was always criticize for everything Iam 1 3 4 5 those I cone connect with

[@user-lm1iu6vs9w]

Girl that was me all the way,yes.caues when got in trouble u got a whooping.i didn't like getting a whooping.😊

[@chrishorbatt3504]

The problem is, what if it's true? What if you have expressed yourself in the past and the the results were as catastrophic as you thought they would be?

[@michael-bp5mb]

Had at least half of all that😢

[@MaryKaySeibert-jy2sr]

How do u get on the list for the book n online course?

[@stevecatanio8532]

Hi Julia

[@terriwhalen3618]

😀

[@kai-hv6nx]

When you realize you have everything on this list to the max...

[@christineb8148]

Where would you put extreme defensiveness in this list?

[@juliakristinamah]

Where do you think that defensiveness came from? Did you learn it from your parents? Or was it a coping method you developed to self-protect in some way?

[@christineb8148]

@@juliakristinamah it's a childhood coping tool ("black sheep" child of borderline-style mother/ narcissist-style father in a very chaotic household), and I'm trying to figure out if there is another motivation underlying the reaction of defensiveness to work through.

[@jewlzn7130]

This is really saddening. This is me to a tee.

[@roses123ize]

Interesting, but please stop the sighing ,*

[@juliakristinamah]

I didn't realize I was. I know I breathe quite loudly - is that what you're referring to?

[@caffeineeded]

Someone is giving you all that information that you can use as a tool for personal healing FOR FREE, and you care about the sighs?

[@renasmith427]

I think it’s very normal to take deep breaths when communicating as much information as Julia does in these videos. We don’t want her fainting on the floor from lack of oxygen! I actually find Julia’s “sighs” calming 😊

[@darkfantasybrun5381]

why are you talking about this? ew

[@juliakristinamah]

Are you not interested in the topic?

[@jaylaw.7660]

Your voice is so beautiful, Julia🫣😍 (grateful for your knowledge!! Jayla)

[@juliakristinamah]

Thank you Jayla. That's kind of you.