Coping With Jealousy of Cis Men

[@sszord]

Thank you i really needed this as I’ve been feeling depressed recently as it’s just been the holidays and I was wearing a swim top at the beach and other guys were shirtless and I was just so angry and mad that I can never have that. Thank you for uploading these videos they’re really helpful 😊

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi my friend, my heart goes out to you as I remember that feeling very well. Just remember that who you are is on the inside and that can never be taken away from you. Much love

[@WishIWasJim]

"I felt like my female was showing" omg that's exactly how it feels. When I'm around cis guys who don't know I'm trans, I feel like I'm not meeting male standards somehow. I feel like they will see and interact with me as female. When I'm stealth I feel insecure and uncomfortable, but when I'm out I feel like I can relax. And it's messed up because does that mean I'm saying to myself that the only way I can be male is if these imagined standards are lowered? It's even more messed up when you know in your rational mind that gender roles and expectations are total rubbish

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Oh goodness me I totally agree! It's all a mess! Yes, identity is real, but this idea that some things are masculine and others feminine, is completely made up! You are a man, whether you are in trousers holding a hammer, or in a dress holding a unicorn! Brilliant comment and I completely relate!

[@deanz9832]

Just be you naturally do what makes you happy. I'm the emotional one in my relationship my girlfriend is "stern" I get wet eyed at a movie she doesn't. I dont hide it. Surround yourself with people that love you for you.

[@whatgenderami]

i relate a lot, especially feeling jealousy of cis guys who were able to grow up as themselves...especially with the knowledge that they don’t have the hide their past self to feel safe and comfortable in themselves and in society. i also find it can be really difficult navigating jealousy among other trans guys, whether because someone started hormones earlier on in life and/or those who have had changes that i wish i had: what immediately comes to mind is folks with a prominent Adam’s apple. that’s been something i’ve been dysphoric about for years and feel envious when i see guys-trans or cis-who have really prominent Adam’s apples. you started to touch on this at the end of the video, but i’m curious to hear if/how you experience jealousy of other trans guys and how that jealousy has evolved over time.

[@Kaytee318]

One of the many amazing aspects about you Finn is you are not afraid to step up and show how you're evolving - as we all do - unapologetically. You aren't afraid to discuss aspects that many people can not begin to be real with themselves about with the world.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much. That's really awesome feedback and is great to know lm appreciated!

[@pmbluemoon]

WOW.... 3:30... My sentiments exactly. I'm dating a cis male who HATES that I want to represent "male", and has actually become more aggressive towards me (more to assert his maleness?) and I'm not liking it one bit. I started dating him because he had female tendencies, and now he's trying to "make up" for me being more "male" presenting than he is/was (I'm more mechanical thinking, can fix cars and such, he's like "Ew, I'm dirty") But has that "I need to be better than you" machismo... I'm so confused! He tells me he loves me, but then grabs my collar and gets in my face and wants to "playfully in his opinion" yell at me... I don't know what to do! My only thought is "When will I feel comfortable in a relationship without lower surgery but representing as male socially?" Can you send someone my way?? lol You make me cry sometimes, but it's a happy cry, that there is acceptance out there. You are a good man, and thank you for your videos :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Oh bless you, my friend, thank you for your incredible appreciation. I am sorry to hear about your relationship, it sounds like he is damaging your sense of self rather than helping to build it up. Remember, his issues are to do with his insecurities, not yours. Perhaps its time to move on, and find someone who raises you up not shoots you down.

[@pmbluemoon]

@@FinnTheInfinncible I would LOVE to find that person, living in a small town doewsn't help much! (roughly 8,000 population in the town I'm in) I pretty much know everyone lol! I've tried to talk to him about it, sometimes he;s up for a good conversation about it, most of the time he's in denial and doesn't want to face what's going on. I hope for anyone else out there reading this, that they can find the better one for them as well, I think we'd all love to be as happy as you both are! :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

We are not perfect, no couple is, we fight, but mostly, we respect each other and celebrate each other. We both have been treated badly in the past and now we both make sure that will not happen again.

[@pmbluemoon]

@@FinnTheInfinncible That makes for a great relationship :) Just no knock-out, drag-out fights! We agree to disagree, and that's what's held my partner and I together this long. Hopefully treating each other better will help heal the bad stuff

[@ellenrichardson8701]

@Chris_ Get out of that relationship now!! He's apparently making you feel like less than a man! Trying to exude his " maleness" over you. Been there done that! He will totally whittle away your self esteem.Let me know how you're doing.

[@spamham7449]

Really needed this video mate. My entire life and transition I've felt this hideous, crippling jealousy. I still do, especially with my bottom surgery being severely delayed due to travel restrictions as a result of the pandemic. I'm usually a total cynic, but I've got nothing left but to cling to the hope this video-your advice-provides. I just pray that you're right, and that I'm not the exception.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I am so glad to hear this video helped. I promise you , you are not the exception. These feelings are common, but do improve. So much has improved for me since making this video, I do still get the odd pang of regret and envy and wish I had just been born as the man I am, but on the whole, I am confident in my maleness and do not feel any less than any other man. Its a gradual process of self love and self worth that helps to ease the dysphoria and increase our gender confidence

[@davidandrew7012]

Thank you so much for this topic. I have been feeling Cis envy the whole time but did not notice myself. I am glad that you don’t feel jealous that much anymore. I am hoping for me to happened one day.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

It will my friend, Just keep working on your self love, reminding yourself Every day of all The amazing things about yourself and one day you will believe it so completely, that jealousy stops being a problem

[@deannajoseph708]

I can totally relate with a lot of what you're saying as a person who's always known I was transgender. It's great to see that it does eventually get better.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yes it really does get better, in ways you just cannot even imagine in the early days. Just keep the faith and take it one day at a time.

[@deannajoseph708]

@@FinnTheInfinncible I meant does sorry lol

[@Moosh207]

Love how you break down the psychology of being at one with one's Self. You've placed yourself in so many situations for self education and allowed yourself to be open to the grieving process to heal and move forward in who you really are. You've blossomed in to such a wonderful person and we all benefit from the amazing energy you have to offer. It is inspiring how you navigate who you are with yourself, and your interactions with life and those around you. Lovely to see the relationship that you have with yourself direct you in such unifying ways which help support the foundation of who you innately are. Your hair looks so cute today 😉 xx

[@gideoncharles9328]

You’ve put in words what I’ve been feeling for so long, thank you. You are the first other trans man I’ve seen that feels that way as well so thank you so much for that video.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

And thats why sharing is so important, we are never alone! So glad the vlog helped, thanks for watching!

[@ajaxthearcticfox5862]

I absolutely love this video, it was really nice to hear and relatable!! It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Very well said

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Its very common, I think its just that people do not like to admit they feel jealous! Glad you found it helpful my friend.

[@chacerowlands4479]

Yet again you manage to deal with the questions that sometimes come up in your head that you don’t know are like how other ppl actually think or feel and you make so much sense you are the calm in a storm for me and always seem to pop up at the right time esp when having those wobbles related to transitioning even more so somebody who’s older and already lived half there life as somebody else but knowing something wasn’t right and know re learning and figuring out things as the person you always should have been 💖

[@Hiewayasha]

This video is what I needed. I am in a spot where I am jealous of other trans masc people that are able to have top surgery. Especially those that haven't been out as long. I've been out as trans for almost 5 years and only on T for about 1.5. I live in the U.S and I know it will be years before I can have top surgery. Plus being a queer guy, I'm often a bit jealous of potential cis male partners. I'm jealous of their ability to have elections and be able to penetrate and have sensation. I have been feeling so guilty over these feelings. Especially since I act as a peer support leader in my local trans community

[@carlgeneux]

You are exactly right. We as trans men have to accept that we too hold our own special place in society. Does it make us less than or better, or should I say equal, in our own way. I feel equal and loved and my past makes me feel no less male.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yes we do indeed hold our own special place, our past is exactly that and anyway, we were always male! Im glad you are in a good place my friend, it is wonderful to finally feel equal isnt it?

[@justarandomperson3721]

I really needed this, thank you. I was just in the store and seeing cis people walk around, even tho I’m not really a boy or a girl, is so difficult and being jealous of seeing guys that are able to wear tight shirts or wear shorts without breaking down is so devastating and difficult to deal with.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I hear you, it is so difficult but I promise it won't always be. In time, with a lot of self exploration, you'll find who you are and become confident in that. It's taken me many years but I can honestly say now that l love the man l am, l no longer feel less than anyone else, my journey to manhood was different but it doesn't make me any less of a man. I must update on this video! Big love to you

[@justarandomperson3721]

@@FinnTheInfinncible thank you

[@amandasmith3522]

I avoid social gatherings w men family functions with men and cannot even have a relationship w my brother because of my jelousy and intimidation of him. This has been the most devastating area of my life my inability to function in society has prevented me from taking lucrative career opportunities and developing relationships with my own brother and family. I feel like I need to completely transition like you and it will take this exact process for me to get over these feelings but on a level I don't want to have to do that but I don't see any other way. I've been looking for a video or anything on the internet that could explain to me why I feel this way and this is the first video that has ever been able to do that. Thank you so much for posting it. I'm also starting to become more attracted to trans men the further I transition in my physical presentation to the outside world. Thank you so much

[@SkyeID]

I feel that jealousy about cis men regarding being born with a penis. I wish I already had one and didn't need to get 3 surgeries to get the penis I've wanted since I was 8 years old (I'm 41 now) it's depressing!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I know exactly what you mean. This is why it took me so long to work out if I needed a penis enough to go through the surgery. Its been incredibly tough but for me, it was worth it.

[@TonyChakotay]

Hey hey, I suffer severe moments of feeling "jealous" or "envious" when it comes to physique. I look at social media and see these big buff cis guys and watch their workouts, watch their gym activity, the gains they make and I must remind myself that they are more than likely on enhancing drugs and the reality is not as it seems, I must remind myself too that since birth..well certainly since starting puberty they have been able to use testosterone to their advantage. Nothing comes easy to transgender people, we , as transmen, lived a life maybe 20 or 30 years with the wrong hormones, hiding, suffering and so cis folks have the upper hand when it comes to physique. I look closer to home and then there is my brother...well brothers..both of them buff, one lean like a boxer but built well, one built like a brick shit house I feel small, I feel weak, I feel like I will never achieve such greatness..or rather what is greatness in my eyes. My feet remain planted, this year is free of surgery, I now can focus solely on work and gym outside family goins on, if we keep focus we can achieve great things, we can reach our personal goals, we just have to keep going. Will I ever have the perfect physique that I desire who knows..my brain is weird. Loves you. Tony

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I completely get it, I'm tiny (compared to most men) and its hard not to feel 'less than' when sandwiched in a crowd of taller men looking down on you! Im also on the cuddly side, and seeing young buff guys, makes me want to eat ice cream and cry. BUT we are gorgeous, in our own way. People are attracted to all different types. What matters in the end is our own version of the best us and falling in love with that. I'm a short chubby grey bear, and I love me. You, are bloody dashing you know!

[@TonyChakotay]

@@FinnTheInfinncible in the words of tom hanks "I wanna be big" My brain messin with me at the moment, put it down to post surgery stuff..struggling like mad..we must carry on. At some point we all must come to some form of equilibria?? I hope so.

[@dumbfounder24]

I'm a junior in high school, and when I see the incoming freshmen boys, I feel so much jealousy.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I understand my friend and it's ok to feel this. Being trans is hard because it feels like we have to wait to be who we are whilst everyone else just gets to be themselves instantly. However, on the inside we already are who we are, and if we find trans friends, they can help to remind us of that whilst we wait for our outsides to catch up. Much love and strength to you.

[@gideonmiller5457]

No, i understand completely. There is times that I just don't know how to be around a cisgender man because I just envy their existence. how they can walk around with no shirt, how they can just be free and happy. I am sorry for your feelings and I hope in the future you can feel differently

[@jojo1234a]

I never really considered how lucky I am to be born with the body and parts that matched my identity (apologies if I’m using the wrong terms, I’m crap at remembering ANYTHING including my own daughters birthday 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️). It never occurred to me that some people have to go through so much to have what they are rightfully owed, surgically, physically, mentally, sexually, financially etc. I love all people, basically I love you no matter what providing you aren’t an absolute asshole lol! I can’t even begin to imagine the transition, nor would I ever be so disrespectful as to attempt to, everyone has their story and journey that is unique to them regardless of the topic. But, when I see someone transition, for example a very close friend of mine is 2 years into his transition now, I see the happiness, the relief, the upset, the acceptance and so on and so forth, and as an onlooker I find it incredibly beautiful and moving. I often forget my dearest friend is transitioning, unless it’s brought up in conversation, because he is just him, simple, the dude who is my banter buddy and loves to eat way to many cheesy Doritos with me lol. On the flip side, I dated a transgender male for over a year, and again, he was just his lovely self, however he wanted to discuss his transition a lot more, and that’s equally ok, but naturally as a result I was more aware of it at the forefront of my mind. This changed nothing on how I viewed him as a person, but I guess I’m saying sone want to crack on with transitioning as a sort of lone wolf, others prefer to talk about it more, and neither is wrong or right, we are all individuals and wonderfully unique. Regarding myself, my body is far from perfect, I’m a fatty and a total foodie, andand everything has gone south since having my children, but after watching this video I’ll never ever take my body for granted again. I feel truly blessed that I was born with a body and mindset that works in unison, and as always, I have the upmost admiration and respect for those who are made to jump through hoops for theirs. Big squeezes squishy hugs from chubby old me to you, and also to anyone else reading this.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Well that brought a tear to my eye! Thank you so much for such a kind and considerate comment. Yes, words could never explain the pain of being transgender and conversely no words can explain the joy of transitioning and finally having my body and voice reflect the truth of who l am. I am someone who needs to talk about it. Nit so much in my day to day life, but in paying it forward. I am so grateful for the life I have today and if l didnt share my journey l think l would explode with pent up gratitude!! I never want people to feel they have to just accept their lot, that there is no other way, there is, we are powerful people and we can change ourselves, we deserve happiness! Equally, it's totally fine if people want to transition quietly, we all have very unique paths.thank you so much for connecting with me, hugs back to you!!

[@daltonbrown6417]

You did a great job on this video! We have to except ourself to get others to do the same. Thanks again !

[@TransKameron]

Great video! Have you made a video in the past about why you chose the pumP ED instead of the semi rigid rod?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I haven't no, it is now on my list, thank you!

[@kamilakrupiarz7]

I absolutely love your wall art!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you! Its my gratitude wall! Full of cards from lovely people!

[@wolfman75]

I totally get were your coming from. I am jealousy & envious. I mean they got to have what I didn't (you know what I mean). I don't see myself in the mirror ( I avoid them ). The person looking back is not who I am. I have know all my life that I was different. I just didn't know how different. I do wish that there was a time machine to start over as the right person, that I am suppose to be. I mean I feel like every one is trying to figure me out. Maybe because I am "6" 3" & 235 lbs, But I walk, like I always have, as a Male. I just hope 1 day I will be me finally!! Thank You Brother!!! I thought I was alone. Much Appreciate!!!

[@super_notboring2634]

When you talk about your inner female showing around other guys, whenever I see my male cousins I'm am litterly trying my hardest as Physicaly possible because I feel like I'm going explode with anger, so I just avoid them all together, I used to be good freinds with them, but now that there voices get deeper and I'm in the closet it is beyond frustrating and it's not only there apperence, it's the habits I like American sports and not soccor, there all in video games and sport while I'm over here with Pokémon and basketball

[@C_22]

Hi Finn, It's so nice to hear that you feel so good in your body and that you're happy. I love your videos you're such a lovely chap and nice to listen to whether you're so excited you're full camp or a little calmer ^^, but also because one of my best friends is trans and they help me to be that extra bit understanding and reasuring about it all :) I'm not sure if he watches your videos I'll have to ask, English isn't his first language and he doesnt always understand everything haha but I think he might like this one as I know he's been feeling dysphoric and less than recently and even if I tell him he's wonderful I think it helps to hear it from someone who has first hand experience about it all. Hope you had a good weekend!

[@nicks1249]

Thank you so much Finn.

[@lr3521]

Finn, you are the yin to my yang. The thing that I feel most confused about through this whole thing is my ‘sexuality’. What is it? I never felt physically sexual because I had physical obstacles (you know what I mean). How could I express myself without the body to do it with? I always felt that men (yes MEN) had some part of my sexuality but not sure if men were representing me or whether they were representing who I was sexually attracted to. I don’t want to be a ‘poof’ but if I am.......I have to accept it?

[@carinagomezfernandez7473]

I am also jealous of cis guys, especially when they are very handsome and taller than me. Becoming taller is something you can not achieve with testosterone.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I understand, I am 5 ft 4. I have come to realise, that its not that unusual to be a short man, society just shows us lots of tall men as the norm. This is the work we need to do as trans people, in order to come to a place of peace within ourselves, its the same work that any human needs to do really, just we have to work harder at it, and that is accepting the things we simply cannot change and loving ourselves as the men we are , even if we happen to be shorter than other, thats OK!

[@TheAugustineMachine]

❤️❤️❤️-- arm wavingly camp -- yaaaaaaas!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

My arms have a life of their own.....

[@ellenrichardson8701]

@Chris Moon_ You are in a very difficult and delicate situation here! So you're each waiting on the other to make that move to break up? Are you both financially able to make it on your own? And if you're not sexually attracted to each other is that part of the relationship dead.? Being physical with your partner is a big part of the relationship don't you think? Well, keep in touch if you want to. You can talk to me anytime! Keep me posted. XO

[@user-hg6qx2sz3o]

I felt this one HARD

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you

[@emmakateholder5626]

I just love your videos so much xx

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you!! Im so glad you do!

[@emmakateholder5626]

Just ordered one of ur t shirts xxxx

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

@@emmakateholder5626 you have? That's so fab! Would love to see a pic if you are happy to share, no pressure!!

[@emmakateholder5626]

@@FinnTheInfinncible Yeah of course, when it come I will let u know xxxx

[@BryanPike]

Dude good on you, you have to get it out in the light and talk about it to work on it. I see you Finn. I think you take it for granted a bit that CIS males do not have pretty much the exact thoughts in their heads as well.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I think we all have these thoughts, regardless of gender, l just think that for trans men, it's more pronounced

[@BryanPike]

Perhaps it is a particular preconception, that transition is a panacea (feels like such a misnomer, perhaps gender alignment would be better) is a panacea, while it is really only the foot hills of bigger mountains of self realization to climb. It may be up hill, but there are always new vistas of experience from the higher ground. Hugs all day everyday!

[@henrygordon2358]

Thank you.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

My pleasure!

[@codyblake8907]

I say gay ish because im not really gay butnim not straight... honestly i have labels... im just cody and im fabulous!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Being fabulous is the best label :)

[@TobyMcMill]

Oh Finn....you`re talking EXACTLY about the things I go through......this jealousy is sometimes really overwhelming.....:// I`m gay, too. But they don`t wanna date me at all - and I`m not going to have phalloplasty. At least for now that is pretty sure. I don`t have these problems with bisexuals, but the gay men....puh.....sometimes pretty harsh. So, right now I feel this kind of pressure to get the phalloplasty - to get into a gay relationship, like if a penis is the key *rolleyes*. I try to stay cool and to make sure, that every decision I make is only for myself and for my body, not for any guy out there, who would not accept me the way I am. But I think, you know what I mean.... Greetings from Germany! Toby

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I do know what you mean. I've heard gay guys say awful things, but then I have also heard gay guys say wonderful things. It's important to remember that there ARE men out there, who will love us, as us. A penis is just sex and a relationship is far more. Do you my friend, for you, and you will just find that person pops up when least expected! (no pun intended!)

[@codyblake8907]

I dont have jealousy. Only certain guys calling me a female while doing the sex act triggers me. Thats not jealousy. Im happy with my parts i just dont wanna be seen as female.

[@orangejuiceteeth2972]

I think I feel jealous bc they can have kids like a male I hope as a trans male can have kids like a male

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

It is difficult to come to terms with this I know. But there are others ways to have children. I made a video a while back about my own thoughts on this. : kzbin.info/www/bejne/eWHRhGN9fLh_nMk

[@aoto8897]

Well, if you enjoy living as a trans man, then honestly good for you 👍

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I enjoy living as the man l am

[@gwentait8349]

Love you I do

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Ah I love youuuuuuuuuu!

[@leeamy5307]

I think that those feelings are really not exclusive to trans men, most men are low on trait openness and so sharing those feelings doesn't happen often, and when we do we are often told to "Man up" On the other hand, i do not like people forcibly changing my pronoun to "Cis Male", people talk about equality but it really feels more like a power reversal, mainly because of the fact that they are doing what they claim is being done to them. I am fine with whatever someone identifies as, no matter what they are, as long as they are not projecting their insecurities on me, or their sexuality. I have seen this with Gay guys, even had it happen to me, where they try to convince straight guys that they are "Closet Gay", and no one says a word. Soon as it happens to anyone in the LGBQT group, it will instantly resort to name calling, cancel culture, and various other attacks. I feel for your struggles, as it probably feels like you are in no mans land, and taking fire from both sides. But to say the word "Cis" is not an attack, feels rather unauthentic, considering there was already a perfectly fine word to describe what i am. If others feel the need to add a prefix to help themselves feel more comfortable in their own skin, that doesnt bother me, just dont expect me to accept others changing my identity so that "they" feel better about themselves.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you for your comment. I can completely understand why you wouldnt want to be called a closet gay, being called something you are not, is not plesant and makes us feel unseen. Being called cisgender is very different though and I think many people still get this wrong. Cisgender and transgender are 2 words used to describe 2 groups of people, its used in the same was as heterosexual and homosexual are used. If you are not homosexual you are heterosexual, if you are not transgender you are cisgender. That is all this is, not a slur at all.

[@austro1675]

cis man? you mean a man?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Cis man, trans man, both are men

[@austro1675]

@@FinnTheInfinncible Seeing as 99% of boys and men are "cis" and only 1% are trans, it would be less redundant to just say "man." The term "cis" is medical and only needed by doctors so they know what type of body they are operating on. Do not attempt to change language to make it seem like 50% of men are "cis" and 50% of men are "trans" so you can somehow skew the statistics. When talking about trans individuals (who are in the tiny minority btw) you can say "trans men/women" however, when talking about the general population, do not add "cis" in front of it unless you are a doctor and require it for medical purposes.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

@@austro1675 I am not even mentioning statistics. And, it would be just as easy to say man when referring to trans people, as that's what we are, men. Just because we are in the minority, does not make us any less than anyone else. If you watch the video, you will see that cis is not used as a way to insult anyone, just as the word trans isn't used to insult anyone, it is simply a describer, and, as I explain in the video, is a way to avoid using other harmful terms which are often used when people compare trans people to cis people, such as saying, 'real' man for example, which I am sure you can understand is incredibly damaging to trans people. It is all about being respectful and considerate to our fellow humans, and using the word cis doesn't hurt anyone

[@austro1675]

@@FinnTheInfinncible There are Men and Women and there are Trans Men and Trans women. You are not a man, you're a trans man because you transitioned. You can go ahead and ignore your own prefix all you want to, I won't, however.

[@yuiopoli9601]

@@FinnTheInfinncible Austro is correct. You don't go around saying cow milk when talking about milk unless you're talking about other milks. Cow milk is milk. Soy, almond, goat, coconut, etc are types of milk but they are not milk because they are not cow milk. Your jealousy and feelings of inadequacy show this in your own life. You have them because no matter how much you may pretend, you will never be a Man. A transgender man is not a Man. Have you ever heard the saying that goes something like, a true Friend will tell you if you have something in your teeth? That is what I am attempting here. You must at the very least have moments of honesty about this no? You must be yourself, but to do that you must be honest with yourself.

[@mselvira7227]

Lmao