Couples that last do this 2.6x more than couples who don't

Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald
Time Stamps:
0:00 The habit of couples who stay together
4:04 In nonromantic relationships, too

[@AnaPsychology]

I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

[@jonathancangelosi2439]

Sometimes I like to randomly interrupt whatever activity my partner and I are doing together (usually at home) to give her a hug, just completely out of the blue. It lets us briefly take our minds off whatever we’re doing and just appreciate each other’s presence for a bit.

[@PutsOnSneakers]

Sometimes I hate it when my cat randomly comes over for affection. Sometimes its at the wrong times or multiple times a day it gets annoying... If I cant handle my cat doing that, I definitely wont like it when a human does that. Maybe I'm not the type of person that likes this. GET OFF ME!!! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY ??????????

[@bizzfgl3074]

@@PutsOnSneakers Yeah... People that take what they're doing so seriously they can't get off their horse and apreciate a seeet gesture from their loved ones kinda suck.

[@mikec2845]

@@PutsOnSneakers I truly mean no offense but I think this might be something you could benefit from working on for yourself. Appreciate those moments, they are fleeting. Even with a cat. I am also very obsessed with my work, so I understand where you are coming from, but I want to learn to appreciate those who are willing to give me affection. If someone or something is coming to me for comfort, what can possibly be more important in my life? I won't form lasting joyful memories solving yet another work problem. I hope you understand me.

[@amber-xh4gv]

@God no yeah, if im focusing id be annoyed if my partner pulled me away to hug me because focusing in and of itself is so hard for me to do. its cute sounding but wouldnt work for me. the 2 people saying you suck, suck more. different people like / are okay with different things. if my partner hugged me right when i finally got into the flow of something, i wouldn't be able to get back into the flow. we both have adhd though and get it, so this just doesn't happen. itd be different if i wasnt interrupted and it was a brief hug from behind or something and then they moved on buuut yeah

[@jonathancangelosi2439]

It’s contextual for sure. I use my best judgment when deciding when it’s ok to go for a hug or not. It could definitely become a source of frustration if you do it too much, or at the wrong time. I usually just go for it when we’re doing household chores, since they’re generally not super urgent and don’t really require intense mental effort or focus.

[@potts995]

I found this so unsurprising I was surprised

[@judeannethecandorchannel2153]

😄🤗

[@nickwood8439]

The big reveal was acknowledge and respect other people. Excellent advice, but if you aren't already doing that or at least aware you should be, I suspect there are much bigger issues. I could be wrong, maybe it's a thing?

[@jacobmulligan5962]

@@nickwood8439 Yes many people are conceited and narcissistic but alot of people are so caught up in life they forget respect and communication are important in any interaction.

[@anotheryoutube4635]

@@jacobmulligan5962 You're not going to fix a narcissist, ever.

[@collinvickers2345]

The worst is one turns toward and the other doesn't. One gives and gives, the other takes and takes.

[@evedotcom]

And it is the responsibility of the overgiver to stop doing that, to communicate about the issue, and respectfully walk away if their needs remain unmet

[@ShadowStarKid]

@@evedotcom If I address the issue, conflict arises and I can't even walk away due to how attached I got because my love is still there for her and small hope is there that one day it might work like it used to. How do you suppose to consume all the pain when walking out?

[@Nhxn_]

​@@ShadowStarKid That means you have unsecure attachment issues that have been brought up to you growing up. That isn't healthy, conflict does not =/= bad. You are only making things worse by not bringing it up, understand that if you don't bring things up in relationships, then it will only get worse.

[@ShadowStarKid]

@@Nhxn_ The problem is not that, I do bring up the issue and when I do, conflict does happen but the problem is when I am the one who is trying to solve the issue with her and she isn't willing or doesn't care to take responsibility to solve it, she finds everything right on her own terms. She rarely even apologizes for something she did that hurt me and would instead say more bad stuff to hurt me even more and shift the blame on me.

[@Nhxn_]

@@ShadowStarKid Ok I see, seems like she doesn't know how to handle arguments healthily also. How do you generally bring up these concerns with her? Sometimes phrasing helps, do you ever refer to the problems with "you" a lot? Sometimes she may feel like she's being directed and the problem is her. And does this happen everytime you bring it up? Since it seems like she doesn't really acknowledge your feelings either.

[@luvl333y]

I’ve noticed a lot of the guys I get involved with say “I like you cause you actually listen.” I was always so confused cause I thought everyone did that to keep a conversation flowing. Now I understand cause I always turn towards. I track them when they’re speaking, ask questions to get deeper, and give a reaction or input advice.

[@deecee7042]

Wow. I just realized my boyfriend always turns away when we are talking. Sometimes he walks away. I find it hurtful, and don’t feel like I’m listened to. I then just start to speak louder. Wow, this is enlightening

[@marcsmoo]

dump dump dump idc dump

[@deecee7042]

@@marcsmoo thank you for the encouragement honestly lol

[@kshyr811]

please try to talk to him about it. what lasting couples do 10x more times is open communication

[@justanotherupscaspirant8837]

Exactly. You need to point out what's bothering you and see how he reacts to it. It might be a subconscious thing, where he knows you'd be talking for a while and he just wants to get stuff done during that time. Or maybe he hates something you do but hasn't been able to bring it up and that causes him to be subconsciously mad at you, which comes out via body language. Try to talk and resolve.

[@LeoVital]

@@marcsmoo Toxic mindset. "The relationship has a problem? Dump your partner!".

[@valy4n]

My boyfriend of 4 years always used to "turn towards" me when we were speaking and was attentive and reciprocal of my affection, but in the past few months I've been feeling inadequate and hurt and this video helped me realize that he no longer "turns toward" me. When I display physical affection, he has no reaction anymore, and when I talk to him about my passions, he just nods and scrolls on his phone. I've tried to tell him that I need his full attention in those moments to feel acknowledged, but he just tells me that he has ADHD so he can't do that even though he used to. I want him to love me again, but I just don't know what to do. Thank you for providing this outlet for me to process my thoughts.

[@TrishRowdy]

Something is going on. Doesn't have to be an affair, but something. Is his family okay? Finances, pets, friends? Even if he has ADHD, if he was able to pay attention to you for all that time before, I doubt this is the reason. Unless his medication ran out, if he was taking any. Investigation needed

[@MariaRouces]

Same happened to me a few months ago, HE IS NO LONGER emotionally unavailable. He will tell you a bunch of excuses but the thing is you feel hurt, and that doesn´t seem to affect him. My ex left me months later after recognizing he had changed his attitude beacuse no longer felt a "connection", I would scape that situation if you want to avoid a big heartbreak.

[@tomgjgj]

Sounds rough. I hope you guys work it out.

[@quixd6120]

Nothing mentioned about your love and interest towards him. It seems like his care and love was one-sided

[@thegooddreamcatcher]

I recommend watching adrienne Everhart on KZbin. She helped me

[@joanna0988]

I've been with my husband for 17 years and we definitely do this for each other. We aren't very similar, have very different love languages and ways of dealing with things so it often feels like we're not compatible but it's good to know that what we're good at is important 🙌

[@terrylbell6378]

That's awesome + I hope you both enjoy many more years of LoVe.🙃😎✌️.

[@glutenfree8348]

love languages is some bs

[@joanna0988]

@@terrylbell6378 Thanks 🙏

[@joanna0988]

@@glutenfree8348 How are they BS? How long have you been married?

[@glutenfree8348]

@@joanna0988 0 years hahaha. I just don't believe they exist. I think humans are very much more deep and complex then: "my love language is: touch"

[@socialmoth4974]

My husband and I have been together over 20 years. I would have just said "show affection" because that's what we do daily, but what you said really explains what showing affection means fundamentally.

[@dumsaint]

They are kind and conscientious to the fact that their partner desires to be heard and made to feel like they're present and, in effect, exists; that they're seen and appreciated for being seen with all their shadow and light

[@wissen9000]

how can you be kind to someone, people dont really deserve it to be honest

[@peach0129]

@@wissen9000 do u mean people as a general collective? Kind of sounds like a narcissistic thing to say. Most ppl would feel it natural to show basic kindness and respect towards that human beings

[@wissen9000]

@@peach0129 i show it but because it gives me trouble if i don't, honestly people annoy me to the upmost with their stuff, i do me, you do you, just don't put your trash (wishes, needs) onto me.

[@iKentEven]

@@wissen9000 if you don’t like people. Do you also not want a relationship?

[@wissen9000]

@@iKentEven i feel bad in relationships, i feel good if i am on my own, but i like the game behind it i guess

[@Bhootkannadi]

May be, 1. Spending time with each other regularly 2. Giving suprise/ gifts material/ non material to each other 3. Supporting in each other's dream/ ambition 4. Having more intimate moments regularly 5. Sit and reflect together about their life, relationship etc

[@Sam200960]

This behaviour reminded me of my family. They turn away from me and brush away a conversation, which builds up frustration and hurt. I relate to this

[@justanotherupscaspirant8837]

I had this exact question. So many of these videos focus on friendships or relationships or extended family which you can cut off. But what about immediate family? Parents and siblings? My mom does this sometimes with me even when she's had a fight with someone else. I've brought it up but have been brushed off because "no one else has a problem". Because she doesn't do this with anyone else in the family. What to do in these scenarios?

[@angelacanedit]

same.

[@lostitoto298]

Same. Whenever my parents had a opportunity to break away a small talk or a conversation they took it, sometimes with a mean tone. Which is really confusing to me bc that didn't happen with others

[@praetorianstride5948]

My eyes are fucked up, (out of sync) and it only happened after getting older. So when I’m in social situations people think I’m mindless or incapable of focusing on the level that they do. So I feel like my negative view of myself coupled with the collected views of others thinking I am “turning away” has had a really negative impact on my life and it’s really difficult to manage. I have friends that I was close with when I was in high school because they remember who I was, someone worth spending time with. Other situations the social collective is too much and I feel anxious. Turning to and turning away… interesting new term for the day.

[@praetorianstride5948]

I am anxious because the light and noise of people can be a lot. Exercise, kids. Your circulation is the most important aspect of your health. If your body doesn’t have good circulation, you can lose your senses. Yoga helped me learn this.

[@Hankblue]

Probably worth noting that this could correlate with, but not cause, longer relationships. I.e. people stop/reduce 'turning toward' when they are dissatisfied with the relationships for independent reasons, and the turning away is just a superficial indicator of those deeper causes. In this case it wouldn't make sense to say "do this for a healthier relationship", because you'd be asking people to fake good will which the material circumstances of their relationship doesn't actually earn.

[@clarawdk]

She said in the video, that of course there are some times when you won't be able to reciprocate because you're having a hard time, due to your partner or not. So of course you can't expect 100% leaning towards at all times. But if you pay extra attention to it, you might fall at 86%, along the longer lasting relationships from the study. And if as you said there's a deeper problem that prevents you from leaning towards, then it might be the right time to remember that the most important thing in any relationship is communication!!!

[@nirgunawish]

the fact that you see it as faking good will says a thing or two about you you do it firstly for the sake of your relationship together, and secondly it will literally give you short term gratification in the forn of minor amounts of oxytocin and other neurotransmitters which your brain be sneeding real hard it appears

[@nirgunawish]

you can try to be too logical for your own good you know

[@Hankblue]

​@@nirgunawish The fact that you spent most of your response trying to psychoanalyze me tells me you're overinvested in a certain conclusion. What I've said is that the study isn't conclusive about whether it's a cause or a correlation; you can bet the authors had the exact same thought. Hopefully the social scientists working on this are a bit more logical than you, it wouldn't be much of a science if they started trying to shame and personally attack anyone who suggests an alternate explanation for the data.

[@dastss616]

i was thinking the same, go and mimic this will make a better relationship? or is just gonna make you feel false? i like to think is more complex, and it dependes from partner to partner, it being that the person was unaware of it or it is because of dissatisfaction

[@sanecatlady]

This seems obvious but maybe people who are very busy or have a lot going on in their lives might be less mindful of "turning away." Maybe it also has something to do with taking your partner for granted and not fully immersing yourself in the relationship

[@Nora-tl5lg]

I was dumped right after new years by my first love, and although I was devastated (and still kinda am) I’m fortunate it ended, as he never turned to me. Not out of malice, but because he was always distracted. A fun person to be friends with, but not a great partner in the long term for me.

[@georgiabessie]

I dated someone for 10 months and was dumped after New Years. Still hurts.

[@booknerdjebbi5037]

New years was like 2 weeks ago darlings. It's perfectly okay to be sad still. Your feelings are valid.

[@Chironex_Fleckeri]

Relationships are always a great learning experience. You'll appreciate that it happened, hopefully, or at least take some things away from it so that you learn how you are in relationships. It will also teach you more about what will and won't work. Hang in there. I love my current SO more than I thought was possible. Took me years to get over that first love. Had a relationship after for a few years where we just felt like roommates by the end. That split was easier and it made sense with the perspective I had gained. It was a relief but it still hurt. And all the ones in between. You'll be alright

[@clairehann2681]

You will love again and it will be great

[@rlrieth]

You’re lucky you were dumped. Think of it as a favor he did for you. You’ll be able to recognize a better partner when he comes along.

[@Bob20011492]

My wife and I have been married for over 52 years. We dated for two months prior to getting married. I knew the day I met her that she was the one. I haven't always been that right about something, but in this case, I think I was 100%. I totally agree with the research and its conclusion, in both romantic and non-romantic relationships. That empathic bond makes such a difference.

[@themick6586]

Been married 43 years wife sees the old couples in the grocery store barely able to walk, and tells me that is going to be us one day

[@centpushups]

I'd be careful with shy people. They tend to shell up in groups. Doesn't mean they don't want to be there or make a connection. It's just tough for them. Talking one on one usually allows them to open up more or among their most trusted friends.

[@crowen9]

As an introverted person I agree with you on this. It's hard gor me to keep an eye contact for long, especially when I'm talking to someone. But on the other hand, if I'm invested in the conversation, I will show it through my interest and follow up questions. I will also sit next to you and listen, concentrate on what you are saying

[@tayo_95]

i've had people in my life who were dismissive, it's not like they're evil people they just never really made an effort to engage in the things that i find valuable or important, after many years of them being dismissive of my interests and perspective i just cut them off. i feel better now.

[@teddyjones7444]

I feel like one of the things that couples who stay together do 2.6x more, is EFFECTIVE communication. My last marriage ended because we didnt know how to effectively communicate. In my current (and last marriage, hopefully), we made sure to effectively communicate and its like night and day.

[@cheesygal]

My husband and I learned about this about 10 years into our 30 year relationship. It’s so awesome! Our daughters have incorporated these things into their marriages as well.

[@Fiffi852]

Wow you just made me realize what felt wrong about my experience with my classmates in uni. No one was ever outwardly mean or anything like that - but they turned away from me everytime I tried to connect. Thank you for explaining this, it made me feel less shitty for feeling angry with them..

[@hydratheorganism9639]

This really explains my feeling of being rejected around ppl who are supposed to make me feel loved. Ppl in my life used to turn away a lot, at one point I thought that was just the normal thing ppl do.

[@emisunflowers]

Signs that you care or are interested are small but add up over time. Feeling attended to and cared for is super duper important. My girlfriend and I both agree we have a healthy relationship and we definitely do this a lot. We hold hands a lot, cuddle a lot, talk about our feelings, etc. I'm trying hard to do even better for her and for us both.

[@Spatzenzunge]

You mean to tell me that there are couples who don't do this!? Why would I even be in a relationship, if I wasn't interested and attentive towards my partner and they towards me?

[@AnaPsychology]

You'd be surprised how many people do this even in non-romantic relationships! Sometimes it's hard to stay attentive and attuned 24/7. Maybe you're focusing on something else, you don't know much about the thing the other person is mentioning, you're having a bad day yourself... And yes, like the person above commented, people get complacent after a while.

[@handsomesquidward5160]

Right?!

[@pawa303]

Sometimes it’s easier to listen when you’re not making eye contact.

[@beautifulping1]

Communication, I have married for 25 years. No matter small or big things, speak the truth. How we feel, we help each other to be happy and better.

[@ayda2876]

goal

[@evedotcom]

You really called me out with that astrology example and I’m grateful lol. In romantic relationships, I find leaning in easier, but in other relationships, especially with people I don’t know well, I’ve realised how much I’ve turned away from bids for connection. People have mentioned things they know I’m interested in, and I’ll give a short answer back just like your example. Even though sometimes I may be more smiley and present, I’m still barely engaging, reciprocating and appreciating what they’re doing 💔 I think it definitely comes from social anxiety, as well as conditioning from parents, but I’m going to be more mindful of this in future. Thank you!

[@jasonb4254]

Sounds like just being a good person, goes a long way in life, including in relationships. I truly believe that this is all this is. Be good. Be caring.

[@BlackBat808]

I had a hunch only because of Brené Brown & what she calls “bids for connection”. How she described it as a type of betrayal that is more insidious in onset but arguably as destructive to relationships to do the exact opposite or, the betrayal of disconnection. Like the example you mentioned, being present together but unaware of your company. Sadly the struggle for attention has reached its peak with all types of media, but turning towards is a choice that reaffirms the desire to be in the company of whoever it is you’re with. Another great video Ana! x

[@thatissocool123]

I love Brene Brown too, but a small correction: the term “bids for connection” was actually coined by the Gottman institute :)

[@lolamiley]

It hurts so much when you notice that your partner has stopped turning towards you in the same way as they used to, while you’re still trying your best, and when you bring it up as a concern it’s not really taken seriously. It feels so hopeless. Apathetic, one sided relationships hurt so much.

[@eio4528]

This hits home for me. I'm not a psychologist but throughout my years I've noticed in friends, acquaintances, and my own relationships that some of us already had an intuition in the back of our minds of this type of... I'll call it "attention". Between strangers, we intuitively pick up on someone sneaking a inquiring glance at us from across the room or that there is just something about how another responds that says "they're primarily focused on me". Within a relationship, it becomes quite noticeable when one partner shows lack of that attention. It's a combination of many little things that can accumulate and become difficult to ignore anymore. The partner feeling the deficit can often be confused about it and even question begin questioning themselves. Confronting their partner can quickly lead to arguments because the other partner feels pressured to do something they simply don't want to do. To me, if a partner isn't wiling to listen and at the least acknowledge what their partner is feeling, it's over with. A recent relationship lasted a few years and it felt strong for a long time. The moment I think I noticed the beginning of the end was when I had to go out of town for 2 straight weeks and wasn't able to communicate much with her much at all. The brief moments I had cell reception I saw there were never any texts waiting for me. Is that a sign? In itself, not exactly. Her responses were long and she knew when exactly when I was available. Near the end of the 2 weeks, still no engagement from her first. I get home and set a time that I'll be at her house. I show up, her sister lets me in, and I can immediately see her as she's looking directly into the fridge. As I walk through her condo to the kitchen, fridge door between her and I, she looks up to ask her sister a question with me standing a foot away. She pulls a bag out, closes the door, and begins reading the label. I was a ghost standing there. No eye contact, not even an acknowledgement that I had arrived. Did I say anything yet, you may wonder? No, words weren't required to express how much I wanted to see her because all I wanted to do was hug her again. I knew in my mind something was off. I think her sister felt it too because my eyes glanced at her, she's looking directly at me, and her eyes just seemed to reflect what I was thinking.

[@stradtman123]

Been married 38 years. We do that "turning in" a lot. It's good for partnership. Goes with respecting the other person's wishes & analogous with basic respect too. I agree with you 100% on this.

[@fredriksjoman]

This is quite illuminating, particularly when you say rejection builds resentment etc. When people are mature, especially if they're been hurt by people who can't control their temper, they way they conceptualize maturity is to suppress anything harsh or negative when they feel it. When that fails, and it will, you turn to your partner and say "this just isn't working anymore". What real maturity is, however, is to observe your negative feelings and address them together with your partner. And this is an illuminating example of such a problem to address and its solution: your partner doesn't realize you feel rejected (and maybe you barely do as well, and that is something you will have to figure out together) when they don't answer you, so you have to notify them about that.

[@Eldiran1]

Sometime it's like you don't want to hurt other felling but you are doing it anyways . The hurted act like you should have known , i'm your love one , etc. The thing is , despite how important they are to us , we aren't in their head , especialy if they didn't explain the problem before or explain in very well. it's not always an excuse , but saying something in some way , doesn't mean the other part of the couple understand it like we understand it. As long as each other are really trying their best ,sincerely it should be okay but sometime high exceptation , especialy when they are not forge with reality (like when we are blind because we are in love and don't see the partner for what he/she is but what we idealize ) lead to a lot problems . Take care , use empathy and listen to your partner , express what you feel to him/her . Your lover aren't in your head , despite how much he/she care for you . Of course the more advanced your relation are , the less you need to explain things. But by no means you need to stop to do so. And in my personal opinion , if i love someone , why would i stop to explain how i think/feel or listen to my partner on how she think/feel if we sincerely needed too ?

[@aesha1878]

Do u mean ‘when people are immature’ at the beginning ?

[@fredriksjoman]

@@aesha1878 No, actually. But also yes. I mean when people grow up, that's a typical reaction (nowadays, at least). But you could say that's immature, if maturity is more or less a perfect methodology in life. Because you can always learn more, so saying someone is immature if they don't know everything is a stretch, but there's only so much to learn about how to go about solving problems. Although that's still a stretch. Or maybe maturity is supposed to be an infinite striving? I don't know.

[@xKeepTheFaithx]

Me and my Fiancé have been together for 5 (6 this October) years and we both always turn towards each other when we talk. It makes me feel seen and heard. I also want to mention that we also have easy communication with each other. Which I feel is key to having a good relationship 💕

[@jasoncampbell1464]

It’s hard when friends start turning away for no apparent reason, and you hold onto the friendship for too long (building up hurt and resentment) because they used to be warm. After that experience my reaction is now to divest myself from the friendship after 2 signs of turning away. Not complete divestment, but I would consider them more like an acquaintance until they prove they still want to build the friendship. They also have to prove they’re not just reaching out because they’re guilty of turning away when they really intend to leave. They also have to prove that they don’t just want my validation after not giving them any attention upon realising they’re not a good friend, which has happened before. 😅

[@curtisjackson5793]

you had me on the divestment until they reach out to you again, but lost me when you said they have to "prove" anything. I think you're overthinking too much when you demand from others acknowledgments of your own feelings/thoughts. From my experience, overthinking always end up being bad, so I'll just try to appreciate whenever an acquaintance reaches out to me again, whatever the reason he/she do so...

[@jasoncampbell1464]

@@curtisjackson5793 What I meant is they'll remain my acquaintance until there's evidence that they want to build a friendship. The proof is not an obligation, it's just a term that substitutes for evidence. It's not a demand. Also, it is very real that people reach out because they're guilty of spurning you, or they want your validation. In both cases, it's not worth being emotionally invested.

[@seekthuth2817]

I love that the advice is literally just "show that you care about your partner."

[@manumemanu]

My brain just exploded watching this. I can finally put into words what ended my previous relationship. I was constantly turning towards my partner and they were turning away almost every single time unless the specific activity was perfectly lined-up with what they enjoyed. I was hurt and, as much as I tried to explain to them that I was unhappy with how the relationship was going, guess what? They turned away from that conversation too. I'm glad I made the decision to stop letting myself get hurt by someone who was not willing to take care of us. I'm genuinely thankful for this information. Also, happy to see that my current partner and I do the turning towards! Great video!

[@Grayto]

I also think it’s important to tell your partner when you will be unavailable to reciprocate for whatever reason, but that you will be available later. It’s also important to tell someone if you’ve ceased be interested in them, rather than actively ignoring them. But that takes more self awareness and compassion than many are capable of.

[@SudoSkitz]

This is such a subtle but profound insight... it's that deeper level of actual acknowledgment, beyond the simple surface level performance, that truly is what gives this the weight that it wields. I really like how you articulated this whole concept. It's beautiful. I know you have a pretty substantial number of subs... but I hope even more people find their way to your channel. I'm really glad I did. You actually do justice to the material you cover. It's refreshing.... and very well done.

[@cewkietron6571]

This is a very tricky thing to navigate in a growing relationship. My boyfriend is autistic and he perceives social interactions much differently than I do. It can feel like I'm being way too clingy when I'm just asking him to respond to something I've said, because it takes so much out of him TO respond, while for me it seems like the bare minimum. We're still working to see eye to eye on this.. I try to give him some space and not demand too much out of him for menial conversation, but he's also trying to make a conscious effort to get even those simple responses out there, so I know he's not ignoring me either. So yeah, it's tough, but we're willing to work together and I know it'll get better with time.

[@davidpopolizio3781]

I know it's unconscious but yeah, communicating and being present with your partner is vital. I struggle to focus sometimes and what helps is literally saying "I'm sorry I'm being ADHD rn I'm struggling to focus" etc. And my partner understands and she's very patient with me. Even when my focus is slipping, I make sire she knows it's not my lack 9f interest but my brain pausing my ability to he attentive.

[@WonderfulHayden]

Happy new year, Ana, and excellent content as always. These micromoments of rejection act as razor cuts that wear away at the foundation of a relationship over time.

[@lydiavillavarayen8325]

The example at 4:00 made me a little emotional... I had flashbacks to scenarios that were hurtful but I honestly didn't know why at the time. I love your videos. Thank you for sharing.

[@AllSheilacan]

My guesses before watching the video: - talk about their emotions - discuss their plans for the future - give each other kisses and hugs - reflect on what went wrong after a fight or disappointment

[@IamAtTheBridge]

This was very insightful. Thank you for making this. I never considered how these behaviors will push people away, even unintentionally.

[@Tosha407]

This is something my partner is excellent at, and has made me better at in return. It is so important to listen and be heard!

[@BorisBidjanSaberi11]

My parents do this a lot for each other and I think it’s helped me model healthy behavior

[@r011ing_thunder6]

@Benedict you are so lucky dude i wish my parents were like yours lol

[@RottenlyMoodyChild]

I was going to guess: Active listening. But, Turning Towards seems to encompass so much more than merely active listening. I think the bottom line is making them feel seen, heard and important to you ❤ Thanks for the video, very interesting.

[@megsley]

yes! been married since 2011 and it's amazing how the smallest, simple things can mean so much towards feeling connected ❤

[@janeangmar1397]

This was so so helpful, I often find I'm in relationships and friendships where people aren't turning towards me but I am to them, and it's something that hurts me on a daily basis.

[@blonde_stormtrooper4148]

Thank you so much for sharing your insights 🙏 the concept of “turning toward” really does apply to many if not all relationships, ex: coach-client, employee-manager, co-workers/team members, siblings, etc.

[@Artix902]

Yes, Andrew Huberman talked about this too. The praise/excitement you give for the person's effort over their achievements is better for their psyche

[@TroyJamesMonger]

Oooo this is fun, thank you, Ana! I did not guess acknowledgement/engagement, but wow, what a powerful set of behaviors when abstracted.

[@lilylis]

This video is kind of a slap on the face. My best friend has been turning away from our relationship for a while now, taking days to answer, being disinterested in whatever I say, downright ignoring direct questions... learning why the way she acts is upseting me so much is really gonna help to get out of this enviroment. Great video :)

[@bigfrug]

It’s crazy how simple relationships seem when you put it like this lol

[@graano09]

my guess was pretty spot on. I guessed communication, which ''turning towards'' basically is. Relationships where both parties are great communicators logically tend to be long lasting and healthy. Also because being a great communicator entails that you have a good to great level of empathy and natural tendency to be engaging. It's basically impossible to not like or have a good relationship with a great communicator. They make you feel seen and heard.

[@chairasian8816]

Off the top of my head, habits like Confronting problems together, showing good Presence to one another, and sparking a large diverse range of emotions in each other are some that I think make relationships stick.

[@TheGregcawthorne]

One of those things you always notice, but never quite had it put so simply. Great video!

[@odddak]

Simple, yet profound. Elegant. Thanks for this!

[@brec1803]

As someone who’s just go into their first healthy normal relationship I’m loving this content!!

[@VoorTrekker88]

It kinda breaks my heart to just even know that people have relationships where they don't do the 'turning toward' type behaviors... people, stop accepting this!

[@xJennawasherex]

I've been in my relationship for nearly 10 years and I can wholeheartedly say this is true. Acknowledgment is so important, communication is so very important.

[@David-ve8pk]

Almost 30 years and we get along just relaxing and watching favorite shows. When we were younger and lighter, Tuesday was date night. Romance and she would be letting take care of business. Now it is more about being there for each other over physical intimacy or talking

[@jujutsucryin3256]

This was very enlightening, I'm happy that I in some way embody this want for closeness, or turn towards even in the midst of a conflict. It did however, highlight how my ex would turn away from me whether figuratively or literally during a conflict. It hurts so much to be both emotionally and physically rejected at attempts at closeness or to not see past the conflicts enough to show me they still cared even when things weren't going well.

[@julyol119]

Can confirm. Not ignoring each other is definitely helping in a happy relationship. (I thought it would be hugs, though, but I guess not everyone is such a hug enthusiast as my partner and I are.) We (together for nearly 9 years, living together for 8) definitely do the turning towards thing. Not getting any response is a sign, that the other is really engaged in something else and really didn't even realise he or I are being talked to. We've both ADHD, too, so this is just a thing our brains sometimes do. But we always always acknowledge communication, when we notice it (which is most of the time). And I think what we do a lot as well is trying to think how to do a nice thing for each other. Just now, he realised that his route to play paintball will bring him close to a city where one of my closest friends moved to a few months ago. And as soon as he realised, he offered to drive an extra hour, so I could see my friend. No prompting or anything from me, he just thinks of me when planning. Same as I would for him. We know each other's favorite food, drinks, brands etc. What habits we have and even biological stuff. Like, he knows when I am getting depressed, before I realise it. And I know, his biological signs of developing a cold, before he has any symptoms. And even when we fight, we always acknowledge each other. But, tbh. I wouldn't even dream of ignoring my partner. In my 34 years on this planet I've had one single 3-month-fling, where this dude ignored me on several occasions and, well, it later came out that he also lied and stole from me and other friends of his. And that's what I now think people who ignore their friends and partners are all like xD

[@Minecraftpecake]

I found your channel today and I will for sure try to think and improve my relationships all round. Thank u so much for doing those videos. I think it will help so many people around the world. Keep up the good work 😸 Greetings from Germany!

[@chunellemariavictoriaespan8752]

... It really is flabbergasting how true this is as I reflect back at my parents' relationship... They never really looked at each other... My mum tried yes, but dad... He rarely does...

[@StudioSokki]

I liked the example of saying bless you to a partner because it reminded me of how whenever I sneeze my fiance will say BLESSS in a really silly way from the other room because he knows it makes me laugh. I never heard of 'turning towards' but I'm happy that in the many years we've been together we turn towards so naturally and so often. I'm so happy

[@PamdaBear1]

thought you were gonna say "dates" from going to a restaurant to long walks on the beach side. But on a day to day I can definitely see how the concept of "turning towards" is instrumental in keeping a relationship healthy and thriving. being turned away from constantly just feels disheartening and shrinks you

[@Eddison33]

My guess was gratitude - saying thank you and showing appreciation. But this 'turning towards' explanation is even deeper. Indeed, those small things indicate that you are interested in a person and that you genuinely care.

[@wolfsvoice853]

Thanks for sharing valuable insight into what I should be looking out for in case I actually do end up in a relationship, both in doing and what the other person does.

[@maximofenn3202]

Love your channel, I’m considering majoring in Psych because of you!

[@carlocatabijan]

Thank you for this, this was extremely insightful. Funny because I learned that habit of "turning towards" from a client and he called it "serve and return" as from tennis. When a partner serves (or attempts to make a connection) you return (through acknowledging) the attempt for connection.

[@Vonunov]

SYN SYN-ACK ACK

[@avangalea.1210]

My answer is platonic cuddles because more people need affection without the pressure!

[@danh112]

Thanks Ana. I really enjoyed this and I will be focusing on applying this Turning Towards in all my relationships. Very helpful in practicing mindfulness.

[@your_pal_cujo]

Woo ok my guess beforehand is creating a habitual, open place to communicate what they're feeling / how they're doing in their lives + how they're feeling with the relationship at the point in time of talking, providing feedback that's responsive & not reactive Tldr regular communication with responses & not reactions Excited to watch the vid Ana!! Edit: kind of right??? At least in terms of being open to communication & showing reciprocation, turning towards is interesting!! Thank you!!

[@haibarou]

Hey Ana! I feel like wanting to be (seen as) smart is an issue I struggle with. I would love if u could do a video on how to let go of your ego and be more humble. + not value your intelligence based on variables in your life. Also I really loved your video and even tho I am not looking for romantic relationships, I will always make sure to be mindful of this with everyone. Thank you for making these topics accessible to us.

[@fengless]

Thankyou for this! Then the connection between the two is based on genuine care for and interest in the other.

[@dracosummoner]

I was guessing something more traditional, like some aspect of communication, but your video helped me put into perspective a lot of things I'd been struggling with regarding even longtime friendships where I just can't see the effort or attention being reciprocated from the other side. It hurts, but identifying that is helping me to make healthier lifestyle decisions. Thank you.

[@infpaola9436]

Before i watch: my guess is acknowledgement. I saw somewhere once (cant remember the source so take it like a grain of salt lol) That acknowledgement is a good predictor of relationship outcome. An example would be: If a partner says "oh a squirrel" and you look at it and saw aw yeah, pretty instead of ignoring it or considering it pointless a small connection is created. It was found (again be skeptical) that in couples that have lasted long this was 9 out of 10 times the case where as couples that tended not to last as long it only happened about 3 out of 10 times. Point being: a long lasting relationship is made out of a sum of small connections. Acknowledge your partner, they want to connect with you! Alright, thats my best guess...now, to listen to the video. Have a great day everyone!

[@deecee7042]

I paused it to guess. I would say those that have a weekly date night as my guess before I dive in. The rationale is those that make space for their relationship will last longer (part of putting in effort)- to flirt, have focused time together, and to have fun. Edit: I was wrong lol

[@pineapplelegos5790]

this was a fantastic watch. Def made me do some self-reflection and plan on utilizing your strategies for myself in future situations.

[@v_x6329]

you're so genuine and pretty. Not only are you smart, but the way you present yourself is really attractive too. Keep up the content you are amazing!

[@seansullivan6176]

This is so great. Now all I need to do is the becoming a couple part.

[@_.soymilk]

I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, but recently I have a friend who is more attentive to what I say/ how I feel. It feels so strange to me in a good way 😂 I feel I’m the one who doesn’t reach out enough (I’m not good at this tbh, I can’t think of anything to say), but I even even mentioned it before since I worried ab it and it’s all good, easy to communicate. They’re good at making ppl feel important to them but I’m still working on this lol

[@Blplblp]

Practice gratefulness. Saying thank you and appreciating what they do for one another.

[@okaidiboy3275]

never trust a person that takes hours to respond but is constantly on its phone when ur together

[@celinepope]

My own mother rarely turns towards me. I can walk upstairs, greet her for the day and it's as though I'd have better chances at a response if I started talking to brick walls. Once, I was so fed up, I exclaimed "I'll just go F myself!" After suggesting she and my sister go get coffee on me, while they were between appointments together and them not as much as acknowledging I'd spoken, much more, offered to buy them coffee. They glanced up after that statement, and said I was impossible to please. Is wanting someone to respond or acknowledge you after you speak that high of a standard in their eyes?! Goodness.

[@hadriusreznor3247]

Are you the youngest daughter?

[@celinepope]

@@hadriusreznor3247 yes, I'm the youngest!

[@hadriusreznor3247]

@@celinepope they try to ignore because deep down they know you are better than them. Try to be indifferent and always let the facts and the results do the talking. They will even try to hate you, it’s just fear and envy.

[@yeseniacontreras3287]

I experience this with my partner pretty often. I feel like there’s times when I express my feelings/ask questions and he zones out. There are times however when we engage in conversation and I feel so connected. I don’t know what to do.

[@jansmitowiczauthor78]

From my perspective, bring it up with him in a gentle, empathetic manner and try to talk through it. I know sometimes my wife is just really depressed or stressed about work or distracted, so I try not to hold it against her. If it's really bothering me I'll mention it and usually she self- corrects...

[@life-live-]

Maybe your need for attention is too great and you're hurting the relationship Relationships are like a rubber band between two fingers, if they want to stay tight then there has to be some sort of personal space between the two fingers

[@jansmitowiczauthor78]

@@life-live- Wow that was a lot of assumptions based on nothing... well, based on one single thing Sad groyper vibes

[@yeseniacontreras3287]

@@life-live- thank you for this friend. I’ve also been trying to reflect on what i need to do differently, I love my boyfriend and the connection we have I just worry sometimes that I’m too insecure to be in a relationship.

[@yeseniacontreras3287]

@@jansmitowiczauthor78 thank you for this! we’re definitely at the point in our relationship where the honey moon phase is over and things are getting real. I just have to remember that he’s a person too.

[@robertmadison1205]

Great examples. Very well explained. The small things in life make big differences.

[@hoathanatos6179]

This is so important for me as someone who is on the spectrum. I struggle so much with relating to some people who don't share my values and my interests. I want to love and care for my partner but it isn't easy to establish these grounds and meet the standard when you struggle to relate to the social standards of society and are persecuted for it. Thank you Ana

[@miserablepile]

I think turning away can be both a source and a result of problems in a relationship. Should certainly be discussed if you notice it with your partner.

[@joelchungus]

My girlfriend has adhd, so a lot of the time she lapses on the turning towards because she's heard what I said, but it takes a bit longer to register especially when she's occupied with something else. It does feel like sometimes I'm not heard, but I understand it's just that I have to look at it through her perspective and that helps me adjust with her lack of response or delayed response.

[@kyleconnor2759]

ADHD is behavioral not a disease. She can fix this. It’s really just a coping mechanism usually for anxiety. Meds only mask it and can definitely help focus the mind but anyone who’s taken ADHD meds knows without self-control that sharpened focus might still end up on the wrong thing regardless. So you’re locked in but it may be locked in on a distraction lol. Just saying that she can work on this and it shouldn’t be an excuse to not be present in your relationship or delayed w response and reaction.

[@clubi56]

@@kyleconnor2759 ADHD is literally a different brain structure, which has problems with dopamine which interferes with concentration, leading to being able to pay very little attention, or all the attention in the world.

[@kyleconnor2759]

@@clubi56 nope

[@cameronschyuder9034]

@@kyleconnor2759 that’s…literally what ADHD is. It’s NOT a coping mechanism for anxiety. Coping mechanisms are learned. ADHD is not. It can either be “born with” or acquired via brain damage. Idk who told you it was a coping mechanism or if you are just saying that out of your ass, but the research validates ADHD as a neurodevelopmental condition (separate from mental illness, as a note). The person who said ADHD is caused by a deficiency in dopamine is correct (or at least it’s correlated; very hard to determine causation from correlation in research), that’s why stimulants are the first line of medication to help treat the condition (increasing brain dopamine production to “typical” levels) Another edit: which is not to say someone with ADHD can ignore their partners concerns if their condition conflicts with one of their needs or desires in the relationship. Acknowledge that it may be the reason why something happened or didn’t happen, but also they need to work together to work around their condition to make them both happy

[@kyleconnor2759]

@@cameronschyuder9034 false

[@lmoral222]

I love your hair! You look absolutely gorgeous. Thanks for the knowledge!

[@jazzyrox4851]

Hi Ana, thank you very much for this video topic! I wrote down all the examples you gave about turning towards so that I can try to implement this a lot more often with the people I care about! I have always had a habit of turning away from others, not sure why... if this is a personality factor, if I wasn't taught or modelled healthy behaviours, if its an anxiety thing, if its low self-esteem... I can shy away from those who turn towards me... Time to try and change that. Thank you for the awareness :)

[@sammy1025]

My guess before watching the rest of video. couples who stay together longer seek new experiences like picking up a joint hobby or traveling to constantly create new memories. Edit: Lol I was kinda off but thank you Ana! This is something I tended to not be too mindful of when I was exhausted so going forward I’ll try to remember to turn towards :)

[@icekweebec512]

picking up a joint, sounds like self experience

[@Joao-xz7hc]

Is it not possible that someone will turn away because they feel its not going anywhere? Also is it not possible that people turn towards somewhat intentionally because they feel the relationship is going somewhere and they would like to keep it? Is this not an "egg x chicken, what comes first?". I found your channel recently and i think its very interesting. Thx.

[@BigFiveJack]

Excellent Presentation! Enlightening and Valuable!

[@Xiatter]

I think my current partner and I turn toward each other most of the time, even when we don't agree. Thank you for this video.

[@checkennugget4448]

I thought you'd mention more conversations with one another. The effort to be more understanding perhaps. This was a great one. I'm always learning from your videos. Keep em coming Ana!

[@AnaPsychology]

That's for sure important! This habit is definitely not the only thing that long-lasting couples do; it's just one thing that has been found to predict relationship longevity, but usually there are multiple variables involved (probably more than have ever been researched).

[@Pisceswildfire]

I'm sure ''tidy after themselves'' has to be there

[@m2pozad]

lol!!!

[@12Sanguine]

Thank you for putting it so succinctly. In my romantic relationship we are doing this constantly. But when you said about other relationships, I had to admit to myself that I turn away from some family members a lot, and I could make more of an effort.

[@ShikharPrasoon]

Great point. Thanks for the video Ana.