CPTSD & Attraction to Unavailable People: An Excerpt from My Dating Course (Part 1)

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***
Trauma in childhood can have a lasting impact on our romantic relationships. This is one of two excerpts from one video in my NEW course (there are 27 videos in total), all about our attraction to unavailable and inappropriate people -- and how to stop dating them! It ends with a question but don't worry, the answer is included in the second part of the video, which is linked at the end.
***
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[@catc2926]

OH MY gosh thanks for the info just waking up after 40 yrs of this. Pattern on repeat! Every cell in my body is jumping for joy from the wake up call. Cant wait for part 2.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for commenting, Cat. Glad you are here!

[@leeboriack8054]

When we pursue or stand by people that aren't available, we are not available for ourselves or healthy people. We are abandoning ourselves.

[@tea-chip-cookies]

This!

[@Healing70x7]

I thought about it today. Every time I beg for love from unavailable people, I stonewall my child.

[@MalteseKat]

What is familiar is comfortable.

[@leeboriack8054]

That simple comment speaks volumes about a very complicated mindset.

[@kellycushing2904]

Yes, unfortunately

[@colouredlioness2199]

🙁

[@sentarose]

In my healing process I discovered I was unavailable to myself. Learning to be there truly for myself has been an essential part of my healing so far. It is hard for me to trust others after the abuse I've been through but it's hard for me to trust myself given how unavailable I've been in my own life. it's been easier to just turn off and not really be present. But now I am present for myself. I don't believe I'm ready for a relationship with somebody else until I improve the relationship I have with myself.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Lovely. here's to your continued recovery.

[@lizadolittle6736]

S Rose, me too! Have lived my whole life for everyone else and always forgot myself believing they would care for me the way I cared for them. Now getting back to who I am! Learning to love and care for myself and happy with me.

[@blissfulbaboon]

You said it beautifully!♡ the essential question is,how do we become more available to ourselves,more present,to deeply love, care and be here now for us..to show up in our own lives for the first time?We must be true pioneers,and brave the unexplored wilderness of our new emerging life, a life we've been largely absent.

[@sarag1158]

I love this so much.

[@janferrante1024]

That’s exactly it I am realizing as well. Always remember who you are. My real decent into hell started when I allowed them to make me forget because I just kept trying and staying. Never again. Making a point of being mindful and present throughout the day is helping me immensely.

[@skyejacques]

Wow. It is so painful for me to accept that this is all what I have done. Just going for emotionally unavailable men with narcissistic tendencies, or married men. But it felt very real. But also, every time I've been attracted, I've been depressed and wanted to at least have someone to love and be loved by. But they didn't actually love me. This pattern also occurs in friendships. I have usually picked traumatised people who again will focus on themselves and I am not important enough. I'm doing my best to breathe, as this realisation is triggering! Xxx

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Clarity is freedom! Hope this sets you free.

[@familytimewithbrowniesbell8359]

Same❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️sending positive vibes your way

[@krisscanlon4051]

Bless you...I did the married/unavailable thing as well...accepting any kind of attention. Felt no healthy woman would want me. Now today I don't seek any old relationship. I accept my inability to find someone...life goes on. Take care...life gets better. Loving myself and having a relationship with myself is where I'm at.

[@yehmen29]

When most men talk about 'love at first sight' or say they 'love' you, you can safely substitute the word 'lust' (i.e. sexual desire - when they saw you for the first time, they got an erection) for 'love'. There is no tenderness, they do not care about you and they have no intention to commit to you for the long term (like, long enough to raise a child together). As one of these men put it : 'I press the orange and I throw away the skin'

[@kikilynn1167]

0:42 "that's a childhood PTSD thing... Staying in a fantasy world with a very idealized love for someone." Embarrassed to say I did this off and on for 40 years... Couldn't stop myself... Felt almost like a mental illness... And now I know it is CPTSD.

[@betha8761]

Me too! 🕊🌞🕊

[@stolensilver6963]

Me too, I wish I had known all this 40 years ago. It could have been worse, I did cling onto my career and that gave me a livelihood but it was touch and go. I thought my childhood was normal but on reflection it was anything but. I craved affection, it distorted the lens through which I viewed the world, made me vulnerable and wrecked any real relationships I had. I suppose I’ve been like a functioning addict my whole life, only I didn’t know what was wrong with me or why.

[@haihai5293]

Im 33 and also got this problem...

[@hilostateofmind]

(((hug)))

[@Ashmoe418]

Well then! Perhaps this explains why I have always had intense, obsessive celebrity crushes since childhood. Most of them have been gay or they aren't alive any more...doesn't get much more unavailable than that!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Are you thinking Cary Grant? I think we get a pass for that! :)

[@rhyfeddu]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Oh, you get Xtra points for that answer! lol

[@agatha9071]

Burt Lancaster...

[@MartinHernandez-re6hh]

In my case, being "closeted gay" (I would open only to the ones I would share intimate relationships with, which have been very, VERY few) has always happened by falling in love, obsess, and completely invest myself emotionally with straight friends... So tired, but finally awake from so much ignorance that kept me from knowing what was wrong with me.

[@greyladydamiana]

100% yes, except all mine are alive

[@pachamama8586]

The people we love have to be unavailable by all means. Because that's what we think/believe/expect love to be. Plus how do you expect to get involved with a loving person if you don't believe you're deserving of such love? It's a truly vicious cycle. Thanks for shining your light on those shadows Anna, and best wishes!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

All that's gonna change now.

[@aryebognar6663]

We're not available to them either.

[@philippahall2510]

Arye Bognar that’s exactly what clicked on my head when this started, I hadn’t realised I’m not truly available either hence why I never meet anyone suitable but until this video when the penny dropped. It’s not even my fault because I didn’t realise my brain had been wired this way. Great point you make!

[@rodneydaub3812]

Low self esteem, and shyness made me have a fantasy relationship with a girl in High School. I just could maybe say hi and stare at her in the Hall. When I realized I would never be able to even talk to her I had a month long fantasy in my head, where in the end I was dumped.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hard circumstances have gifted a lot of us with great imagination! It has really constructive uses too. Glad you are here.

[@samiam830]

It really hurts to hear people call other people a narcissist because I am a narcissist. I don’t mean to be this way, it’s just how I am. I’ve gone through a lot of therapy, counseling, and long absences from my social life over this. It’s not a treat I choose to carry. But it is a treat I am actively working on. I am an emotionally Unavailable to pretty much everyone in my life. Including myself. Not sure why I chose the comment this, but it made me feel better.

[@fierceduckling]

Good for you! I have compassion for anyone who’s working on themselves and actively trying not to hurt others.

[@smriti_goodvibes]

I wish you recover soon. You are very brave to comment about feelings. Proud of you

[@rosiemorrison119]

I’m tired of always apologising, I’m tired of the pressures a relationship brings and so so tired of pleasing someone who clearly doesn’t care anymore !!Thank you once again Anne I feel free !! I separated from my husband a few weeks ago we would have been married 27 years on 14th February I am alone now and I love it I'm thriving for the first time in a long time and feels so good!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow! That's huge. Keep us posted on how this goes. Maybe in time... the dating course for you?

[@rosiemorrison119]

Crappy Childhood Fairy Thankyou for your kindness and support I am doing just fine so far yes it's a bit scary trying to sort out money stuff I don't even know how to do on line banking si I'm having to learn everything. I have a really good support network so I'm very blessed in other ways. I'm saving myself now!! 🌈🌷🌸💕🙂🧚‍♀️🙏☀️🌈🌷🌸💕🙂🧚‍♀️🙏☀️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🌈🌷🌸💕🙂🧚‍♀️

[@Vashtibucket]

It’s two years later, wondering how you’re doing? I wish my mother would take a page out of your book. She’s been with my narcissistic father for over 30 years and their sickening relationship has estranged me from them. It’s unfortunate but I’m so deeply embarrassed and ashamed to be their daughter.

[@margarethofstetter7137]

I've always thought of myself as the master self-sabotager, including always choosing unavailable partners, and messing up career opportunities. Been alone all my life.

[@amandarenske]

After years of unavailable men and living in fantasy I was able to step away from those who treat me badly. However I still feel terrified and full of doubt. I find it impossible to conceive of being in a position of receiving. In my family I was an afterthought. So I generally over-give to my partner's, whilst they nearly always fall in love with other people outside the relationship, reinforcing the narrative that I am second best, and not worthy enough to deserve their attention. Thank you for this video. I have been feeling lonely today, but I realise now, that it's a deeper wound than just lockdown. God bless you and this powerful healing work you share.🙏💖🌟

[@richardbuckley1232]

I’ve spent my whole life doing this. It’s incredibly painful.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes, it is. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@hayyyitstay]

I got dumped by an avoidant. But looking back on our relationship (thankfully it didn’t last long, a little over a month) is very interesting cause there’s feelings that I had when I wasn’t around him that were driving me crazy. What I didn’t know at the time was that he was triggering my childhood. We texted constantly back in forth in the beginning. He was so attentive and kept expressing how different and amazing I was. It was sexually and emotionally driven. Looking back I see that we were just love bombing each other 😭 I didn’t even know I did that until after he left me. Also, at about the third week mark he sent me a text saying he was way too busy to hang out that weekend. That was when the severe anxiousness began to kick in… constant stomach aches and I got triggered. But I responded something nice and tried to let it go. Our texts had already died down quite a bit sexually and emotionally before hand, but I noticed that as days passed after he cancelled it seemed like he was just losing interest, but I didn’t say anything for a while because I wanted to make sure it wasn’t all in my head. So instead I just sat there in anxiety 🤦‍♀️ hoping that he would eventually text me back. He did respond a lot of the time. Just not like it was before. Not as frequent. One day I just decided to bring it up. “Hey, how often do you like to communicate with someone in a relationship?” (This was when I found out he was avoidant.) This guy told me that he likes to text constantly in the beginning to “get to know someone” but then he dials it back because he says from there on out the only way you get to know someone is through their mannerisms and face expressions in person. So essentially he was telling me that he needs a lot of space when we’re not together. Like not my level of space. He is overly independent. He said, “I’m normally on the phone to text or call for specific reasons and try not to be on it if it’s not needed. (That part made me livid honestly) I feel like if we talk about everything all the time it could mean there’s a lot less to talk about in person. I’m sorry I’m like this but otherwise I feel cornered and it makes me push away to get my own space. I can’t be talking all the time either because it will make me crave to be alone more.” At least he was being honest. But I had so much anxiety since he cancelled plans with me. It’s like my body knew even before I did what was happening. Then I started doing research and found out that I have an anxious attachment, aka codependency issues. And I knew it made sense bc I got so attached to him. When I wasn’t around him I had separation anxiety and that strong fear of abandonment clouded my mind when he pulled back from me. I tried so hard to express my needs for more communication and at first it seemed like we worked through it, but the next time I told him I was available, he was done and broke up with me. I actually learned a lot more about myself during this month than I’ve learned in any other relationship. Which is crazy. I learned that I’m a recovering codependent. I learned that I’m attracted to avoidant men that I feel the need to earn love from. I learned that I subconsciously take responsibility for others and neglect my own needs. I learned that love bombing is so wrong and gross and I never want to do that ever again. And most importantly, I learned that I neglected the most important relationship I’ll ever have. The one with myself. It’s not all bad though. Thanks to that connection, I finally woke up. Now it’s time to build my own identity. :)

[@Anson7777]

Very eloquently expressed! Your post will clarify for so many of us!

[@ninanim]

ohhh this! severe anxiousness and stomach aches!!! i experienced this one before with my ex one day when he forgot to text me because he was sick. it was around the first week we were talking to each other. and now there's this new guy that got me thinking about him for days even when he rejected me twice!😭😭😭

[@hayyyitstay]

@@ninanim don’t ever settle for anyone who isn’t on your level of communication and attentiveness. I finally met a guy who is just as needy as I am lmao.

[@ronaldcipolla4207]

Here I thought I was getting better and moving on from a toxic relationship. Never thought I may be the one who is emotionally unavailable. I attract people like me. I never get the person I care about and want to be with. I always end up being alone. Watching this video has opened my eyes. Every thing you say is so accurate. Setting strong boundaries in relationships is so important. I communicate with my partner what my needs are and I am capable of doing for her. My communication is good but the results are not good. I guess I don’t ask the key questions being afraid of knowing the truth. My partner only thinks of her needs. She is not listening to what I have to say. Walking away and letting go is so difficult but it gives me self respect and integrity. The trauma bond with her is still there. I am triggered easily and think of her.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for being here and sharing with us -Cara@TeamFairy

[@rebirthed1274]

It's like you talking about me..always romantically hooked to unavailable men

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Come to my online course for this! It's a horrible way to go through life and I hope you won't spend another year without the love you deserve!

[@ogeym9316]

What does it look like to have available people in your life🥺

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

When we start healing, we start recognizing who & where they are :)

[@lifeslessons9889]

Yes ... I've been guilty of that !!! I gabbed at situations to obtain security, just to find it was the opposite. After the sudden death of my husband under tragic circumstances, I grabbed at a married man who was an Ex of mine ...12 years I was in pain believed he would eventually be mine !! Wrong ..than something told me to end the misery I felt and utter loneliness, the rejection feelings were unbearable as I was left alone every weekend , holiday time, social functions etc etc ... Then I grabbed at a narcissist ( after two years alone ) he wooed me and drew me in, more wasted years followed by verbal and mental abuse from him for 7 years !! Now I'm alone ..again !! I dated lots of totally unsuitable men online and a few were horrendously damaged stock too !!! Sooo ..after two years a alone again NO MORE !!! I'm not prepared to settle for second ( or worst) anymore!!! I've been emotionally damaged many times in my 60 years ,,I've got multiple people to thank for that ! I'm seeking decent people now ..and won't settle for anything less.

[@KB-xs4cl]

In dating, I seem to only be attracted to "hot" guys who don't really want a relationship with me or who are sort of damaged themselves. When I meet really kind, open, honest, and interesting people, I seem to not be physically attracted to them even though I really like them. Any way to fix this? I can definitely tell that I should be giving these kind and open people a chance, but I am not feeling that spark. Is that normal and something that can develop as we continue to get to know each other?

[@bornwithstyle]

icb other ppl go through this

[@Vashtibucket]

I’m so glad I found your channel.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Me too! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@bealivebefree9136]

I'm glad you're doing this series because this is something I've struggled with for a long time. There's been so many times where I've decided to give up on the idea of ever finding someone because it's too stressful and has resulted in disappointment too many times. When I was younger I did many of the things you described. I had toxic partners and secret relationships with partners who were not 'appropriate' choices for me because for whatever reason I couldn't connect with men who were. I actually hated myself for this for a long time and I seek to understand why it was like this. Thank you for your videos. I'm looking forward to part 2.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It's nice to meet others who can relate. There is hope! Stick around!

[@ineeddamoney]

I'm always ending up with narcissistic women and I never knew why. Now, I'm trying to figure out who the narcissist was in my childhood.

[@sugarsnap1000]

Who was it?

[@haihai5293]

@@sugarsnap1000 Alfred.

[@CavyConsciousness]

this one made me feel slightly ill when i started watching, so I instantly knew i really needed to watch it, as i did from the instant i saw the title. I have pretty much decided I can not trust my choices with men, and this goes a long way to explaining that. I had PTSD for 30 years, and though I am mostly recovered i still say my wiring does not work and a large part of me is still frozen. this is helping me to understand some of that. I see solution, and that gives me hope. I love the cage analogy, and i constructed some truly barbaric ones for myself.

[@wolfired]

Intermittent reinforcement is a horribly cruel and strong subconscious aphrodisiac to us. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you about this. My most recent relationships have left me hesitant to even leave this public comment. 😶

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Good you are here, D. You're in the right place.

[@k8eekatt]

I hope you can check out Al-anon or another respectful group

[@regularity2556]

I've never properly dated anyone.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

A lot of people don't until the healing really starts :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@carolm6377]

In a Nutshell . YOU TO ME ARE A GOD SEND !!!! A GIFT FROM GOD! YOUR A VESSEL TO HELP US UNDERSTAND. ✝️THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FROM AUSTRALIA ❤❤❤❤❤🙏

[@wendi2819]

Yep! That's all I've ever chosen: non committal ones, emotionally checked out, players/liars and 17 years with a narcissist. (I didn't know the word narcissist back then) but his persona was his entire investment!!!! He had no actual identity. He could manipulate the situation and make me look like the crazy one with my tears and anger! No one saw what he was doing to me in private. It was maddening! I worked on recovery! He never did! As I got better, he just got meaner.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are not alone! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@cynthiaforlinesfulloffun]

Hit the mark....I married an unavailable man...turns out he's on Asperger’s spectrum...took 40 years to figure out his behavior...he can't connect....no apathy, has no need for emotional connection basically like a robot....but I'm so damaged I have allowed myself to be treated like this...workaholic and I stayed home to raise children...now he's retired but still finds ways to stay gone...can't remember ever being happy...always knew I had a damaging childhood but after listening to you I now see everything in my life goes back to CPTSD...I've done alot of self work therapies counseling ....still stuck in long established behaviors 😢😢😢

[@geoffreycurrie9582]

Just love the way you present things. Brilliant

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks a lot 😊

[@sunshine2049]

Just when the video caught my attention it cut off prematurely?

[@perpetualplatypussy69]

Ugh I feel sick, again you've uncovered something that I am routinely involved in. It's so very helpful, I'm 45 and never knew this about myself. Still I hate that I'm like this.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

The Daily Practice helps to not hate oneself so much bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy

[@yatesmsw]

This is how I keep myself distracted and 'safe'...but it is very unfulfilling. I am with a relationship with a person i am not really attracted to.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I hope you stick around to learn some strategies which can help you :)

[@yatesmsw]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am going to pay for your lessons in the near future thank you so much

[@jamesbuchanan1913]

I've never heard a woman talk about being friendzoned before. It's nice to know it's not a completely gendered experience.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Oh goodness no! It's a humiliation for all genders :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@perpetualplatypussy69]

James, some of us have been so deeply wounded that we continuously live in the friendzone. Even women. I'm a woman and I will admit to falling in love with unavailable men. It validates my confirmation bias, it is safe because I'm used to the trauma of not being loved or appreciated. We'll be ok hun, we just have to learn how to love ourselves. Sending you cyber hugs from Australia

[@jamesbuchanan1913]

@@perpetualplatypussy69 Thankyou. **Hugs**

[@freespiritchristina]

@@perpetualplatypussy69 Exact same. Basically impossible to have a healthy attachment style (since we never learned one) until we do all the hard work and heal too. ❤️

[@junowood5951]

you are an angel

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for the support

[@michellediggs574]

OMG!! Just did this. Aggh!! Talking about this so normally really tones the shame of these actions down. I'm so glad I only did 8 months, not a life sentence. I felt like a teenager trying to get his attention. Thank You.

[@LexiA0327]

OMG you just described my life. When I was in my 20s I was in a five year long secret relationship. Because his mother did not approve of me. And it was so very exciting to me. I had no idea it was relating to my CPTSD my mind is blown

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Beware: minds getting blown happens on this channel all the time :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@mel-tp5hi]

Thank you Anna. You're a beautiful, warm, calm and caring lady to listen to, you're helping me so much with the Daily Practice, it's amazing how much more focussed I am after. Really wishing you all the best.

[@biondna7984]

On occasion, I imagine my LO approaching me, telling me he's divorced, or his wife died, and would I be interested ... and it's stunning how his emotional stature in my mind instantly shrinks. Clearly I'm attracted as much by his unobtainable status as his actual qualities. Then, JUST as stunningly, I return to reality, where he remains inaccessible and as irresistible as before. No wonder we think we're batshit. I'm staying on rebuilding my life after my spouse's death. I won't keep living like this.

[@lisaschmidt8466]

I encountered my ex the other day. My emotions were stirred up for a few days. Due to my increased awareness from watching, I have used it for closure. I'm feeling free of that relationship.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Excellent! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ziah7ahmik]

Glad I found your channel, Thank U.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Welcome! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@runwiththewind3281]

Thank you for helping me understand

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I've lived these 'fantasies" but right now i'm just trying to get better from my CPTSD...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad to hear that!

[@tea-chip-cookies]

I'm 34 and I wish I could stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable men or being a magnet to emotionally chaotic people too. I've only just realised this the other day, after giving the same kinds people second chances over and over again. I only ever do this because I have always been forced to accompany mean spirited family members repititively growing up. 😢

[@buddyneher9359]

Just found your videos a couple of weeks ago. Soon as Christmas is over I'm going to take your free course on the daily practice. New Year's, I'll be signing up for the dating course. I'm 60+ and have done significant healing in other areas of my life.... hoping this one is really possible too.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wonderful! I look forward to meeting you! I'll be doing a KZbin livestream New Years eve -- check out my channel page!

[@spiritosa0123]

Ding 🛎 🛎! You are right on the mark, again. I used to say I was loyal to a fault.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for being here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@mathidoucanada1964]

Thank you! I wanted it to continue with: how to stop doing that? What to work on? How to be grounded and get us out of this mind-trap loop? I have one small bit of advice: if it makes you anxious, like your gut is not having it, like something is or feels wrong: listen to it. Maybe you need to get a clean-and-fresh-air break out of the situation to realize “what emotions am I dealing with right now?”, what are my fears right now? And that’s what you need to deal with, by yourself, for yourself, with yourself… And you’ll be ok in the end. This too shall pass. It’s ok…

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@loranabrabster3078]

I am on the other side of this, i live with a person who suffers from CPTSD, and recognize, that after 20+ we love each other but aren't healthy for each other

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We wish you both the best in doing the healthiest thing -Cara@TeamFairy

[@carolyncarlon9870]

Absolutely relate to the hot and cold shower analogy! You have a way with words (and visuals)! I’m 75 and now acutely aware of my future decisions regarding relationship(s). So happy my former partner (with CPTSD) shared your channel with me. I only hope the best for him! And me, too! 🌺

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wonderful! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dontbelieveeverythingyouhe5599]

Amazing video and succinct. Been there 2 times.

[@kellycushing2904]

Thank you for this video. I needed to hear this.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful!

[@williampatchen]

This is a subject that I have never heard anyone talk about before And is unfortunately been a big part of my life

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad you found the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@familytimewithbrowniesbell8359]

Lukewarm love! Wow

[@williampatchen]

This is me I am always attracted to people who reject me I feel like the reason might be because my mother and father rejected me and so women who are with me But don’t make me feel safe or loved represent a deep wound that I want to heal . By trying to win their acceptance. This creates an unsustainable dynamic.

[@dawnbroadbent]

After watching that, I feel like I've been outed. I feel like I've been 'seen through'. It is hard to admit that my 'dream world', the only place where I was getting my version of feeling of love, isn't helping. It's hard to admit me staying in this marriage isn't helping.

[@madcitywendy]

Story of my life.

[@zynlove6867]

I never ever knew this and it makes so much sense thank you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you! I'm glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@varalabeschkuni2890]

thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Sameoldfitup]

When I was six years old my stepmother left me in a doorway with a note saying not wanted....

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I hope you can find some healing in this community

[@user-du4pp6fs8t]

Thank u is there partv2?

[@Onestrangebrain]

Goddamn it! Why didn't I know this 20 years ago!

[@nicolemiller.]

Spot on! Keep up the GREAT work!!! I NEEDED THIS SO MUCH....UR A LIFE SAVER.

[@xaresv]

Wow this resonates with me tremendously but I'm alredy in the healing stage and I want to be aware

[@sadie9386]

My sister has two children by a man she met fewer than twenty times. She truly believed she couldn't live without him.

[@NCWildHeART]

Omg. Does this apply to Complex PTSD too? I’m seeing 3 very UNAVAILABLE MEN right now. Omg. I never connected it to my abuse. I think after a ten year abusive relationship with my husband it gives me a sense of control. No one can tell me what to do. Because they’d be held just as accountable too. Oh dear. I will definitely bring this up on my first therapy appointment.

[@bjoyful6934]

Complex PTSD is CPTSD generally complex PTSD is rooted in childhood trauma. This is why it's complex because trauma beyond childhood is linked to childhood trauma. I've learned childhood trauma is the root. Multiple incidents of severe trauma in life creates complex PTSD as well.

[@is15land]

your videos are so great and helpfull. it also changes my point of view from failure unlovable bad person to see how my cptsd has cloud my life and choices and maybe there is possibility to heal it and live with it....

[@mercedesibarra4102]

I don't have PTSD but I find myself drawn and going after people who are unavailable or unwilling for anything with me, rather than being healthy and loving interest if rejected, more recently I have now been chasing harder and longing more when I'm rejected or flat out told that there's nothing between us. Why am I like this now? I was not exhibiting such behavior in my life before.

[@carloferretti8956]

You probably have cptsd. It’s no the same as ptsd, check in with a psychologist.

[@frogginator-x]

"Intermittent reinforcement" sounds just like my mother....

[@marlathomas4290]

Thank you

[@mariannethames962]

I have my notebook pulled out and ready to incorporate these items to heal from a unhealthy long term marriage. Symptoms seem to be the same. At a loss as kind of sinking with confusion as how to recognize and start to heal after almost a lifetime.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I hear you. Anna's free course 'The Daily Practice' is a great place to start. Here's the link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Calista@TeamFairy

[@mariannethames962]

Thank you soo much for caring.

[@amberholland5561]

I appreciate this info but I hate hearing it. 🤦🏽‍♀️ It’s SO on point.

[@mathidoucanada1964]

I personally get really driven by fantasy. Like this person would be strongly sexually attracted, like he would feel secure, close… But in real life I’m starting to realize that he’s not empathetic… A lot is still unclear, but this person is not socially-securely attached, has some kind of ego immaturity, … This helps me clear my head. Why did I idealize him so much??????? Like for months. Crying a lot. Obsessed. I knew it was very unhealthy. It took a lot of time to process my trauma all the while. I have therapy. Still, this took a lot of time. Slow recovery process. The good thing is that I’m also working on putting boundaries in my relationships. I’m relearning to let go. To move on. To be ok.

[@dana102083]

nail, meet hammer! so spot on..

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Right?! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@shanDalicous]

I live with someone who has never said I love you, and has slept in the basement since oldest was a baby we have 3 kids 9,11,13 I’ve never told anyone this but have always known that he’s emotionally unavailable and have made the connection that it’s because I have emotionally unavailable parents , so I became attracted to that which I know and I’ve just sadly accepted it over the years :( but trying to get better for me right now because the knowing that I’m with someone who’s not available in that way triggers m and keeps me in an emotionally triggered state

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Oh, I feel for you. I'm so proud of you for going forward with your healing despite your circumstances. You deserve joy, and not just in the future -- today!

[@shanDalicous]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you, it means a lot, I’m also reactive with anger regularly and thus I’ve got the food under control, stopped eating chips 1.5 months ago and forging ahead with breath meditation and the writing work you promote, I hope for release and big motivator Is I don’t want my kids to end up like me and because of me. Thank you again. Ps thank you for your love and kindness which exudes from you!

[@kcoleman1008]

This was a great video, and is definitely an issue I have struggled with throughout my life in relationships. I have a question though about how this relates to people being “physically” unavailable, like with this Covid-19 situation, or in long-distance relationships. I have been seeing someone only virtually for the past 6 months since we are both not comfortable yet with physically meeting up due to rising Covid cases. In a sense, it feels like a “fantasy” relationship as you say, because we can’t actually get together. But on the other hand, I am starting to develop a bond with this guy, even from afar. What would you advise in such a situation? Is it healthy to get caught up in the fantasy under these circumstances, when we can’t meet in real life? Thanks!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I think such a long time not meeting is bound to create fantasy stuff which could make the real relationship impossible. Best to meet in person and get into real-time ASAP.

[@dickottel]

what's so wrong with loving wonderful people? if (objectively) the best, kindest person you've ever met doesn't have feelings for you other than friendly, is it so weird to love them? how could you not? they're literally your favorite person and there are good reasons for that. 😝

[@AugustAdvice]

dang yup, the break up period would somehow make me want them more.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I know. So. Very. Attractive.

[@ipsitasen9569]

I had all 3 types of relationships.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@houndmother2398]

Interesting and helpul, as always, thank you. However, one thing that has always bothered me about the "I attract unavailable people" argument is that it's our fault because we're unavailable. When I was young, I had relationships with people that were lovely, fine, people in themselves, but I was not ready to get married young, or we had compatability issues. I'm the unavailable one. The thing is, I'm right here. Right friggin' here. Do I have issues? Yes. No serious relationships for years, and I mean years, because I've been attracted to men who by all appearances were "available" - single, intelligent, funny, etc. etc., where we got along great. THEIR issues - their own unavailability - got in the way. They'd been hurt in the past. We all have. Would it take some time and work for me to re-learn how to be in relationship? Yes. This is not a race, you take your time, and yes, look at your OWN issues and how they interfere, and that means everybody. I'm tired of always getting the blame and responsibility on this one. People need to grow up, let go, and move on, and yes that includes me, but as I said, I'm right friggin here. Where are you?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm not sure I quite understood the position you're taking. So if this doesn't apply, ignore, but: My position is that unavailable people *could* just happen to a nice, available person. But if it KEEPS happening, the nice person is actually making choices that block any good relationship from happening. Nice person then stays in bad relationship -- it creates a yucky vibe on her. Healthy potential mates can sense something's wrong, and are not attracted.

[@josyposy1626]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I find I am drawn to ppl with aspergers/high functioning autism. I'm realising it's because I'm not used to getting my emotional needs met, so it feels familiar. But it also makes me feel depressed and alone even when in a relationship with them. The thing is I can't blame them. It's not their fault that they lack emotional intelligence. So I'm now on my own trying to work thru my issues and understand myself until I feel ready and can work out how to seek a healthily balanced relationship with an emotionally intelligent partner who is understanding of my issues and would help to support me on my journey to a healthy balanced fulfilling life - cos at the moment I'm stuck. Trapped. But am glad I've discovered your channel. I'm hoping to download and start your daily practice soon. I think it will really help get me on track. Thank you for your work. I just thought I'm mention the autism angle as you hadn't specifically mentioned it and I used to feel my partner was cold and lacked empathy but he also had kind traits so it confused me. But with autism I find they can at times seem emotionally cold because their logical brain is more developed than their emotional one. Plus they can have Alexithymia (emotional blindness) and struggle to see things from the other person's point of view. I just wish I'd known this before. I hope this knowledge may help someone!

[@danitaoliver264]

When I listen to you.........I’am so touched..........I’m tearing up right now........I’m so Thankful I found you........will you be my Sponsor??????? I’m willing to do the Work. I just started Therapy for PTSD, but it seems more like C-PTSD..........especially the Videos about Bad Boys/Unavailable Men, Abusive........even a sitting duck for a Narc/ Cluster B. Personalizes.........Can you Help Me, Will You.........Please, I’m so Tired of Living Like This.........I want to Love And be Available for Love to Someone who Show’s up for Me!!!!!!!!!🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You can get to know Anna in membership :) courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@fadiabodan8292]

Problem is those unavailable gives sign of interest. I personally approached 2 women lately they gave the signs to approach them and when asked them if they are single the answer is No.

[@mrstoner2udude799]

Why did the video end right b4 the answer?

[@rosierb852]

I attract narcissists. Healed or not. I'm tired and I give up😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Healing will change your attraction! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ranikster9955]

Why do I always attract the unavailable guy? It just feels horrible. He is unavaible, but I always felt there's something between us and there was flirtation, but now he told me there's (another) someone else he has feelings for.😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It's not about who we attract. It's about who we are attracted to and choose to accept. "I attract mosquitoes but I don't date or sleep with them," Anna says. Try Daily Practice for clarity, and try the Dating Course if you are ready to get away from unavailable people. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Dating Course: bit.ly/CCF-Dating Julie@TeamFairy

[@GypsyInThirteen]

My fave unavailable types are always addicts and inevitably seem sociopathic due to the wet brain and self absorption or limerence they have for another person place or thing/ habit haha. It all feels gross some days. Like a film you just can’t seem to wash off.

[@sardiniangirl1866]

Why do I constantly attract non available men.. ???. What is wrong with me ?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This is covered in depth in Anna's 'Dating & Relationship' course bit.ly/39sfsgZ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@veronicazambrano8240]

I just realized that is my pattern. 😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here. Hope Anna's content will help you change the pattern! Nika@TeamFairy

[@davidemm829]

K Just like pulling the handle on a slot machine add alcohol and one win,, bling you got the drama of a twilight zone...brain chemicals...synapses...heroin, eating your favorite I e cream while simultaneously being burnt with lit cigarette...all crazy stuff

[@misslawlesss]

Me!

[@bjoyful6934]

I get strongly connected now and want to pull back. It's almost suffocating. I don't know how to emotionally invest after 2 marriages where I was cheated on & I took them back. I lost myself. Now I'm in a very close relationship with a fellow CPTSD companion and I have no idea how to feel "normal' in this. Every response and action leaves me wondering wth I'm doing. I feel like they won't be able to handle the difficult things that we will both face. How do I figure all this out without self sabotaging a really good thing?!

[@HEX_n_candy]

How do I turn it off!! I feel safe with the crumbs and I think he knows that so he keeps sprinkling me with them...and I eagerly eat them up....its extremely exhausting just being someone's friend especially when they give off a vibe that they are interested but just "can't" I wish I could just erase my brain and forget about this person...but I'm sure there will just be another one taking space in my head...how do you turn it off!? It's maddening

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

CCF has specific techniques to turn it off. Free course, Daily Practice is one bit.ly/38JfzK1 -Cara@TeamFairy

[@deenasayed2333]

and …………???

[@elftower907]

Can someone help? If she was unavailable then why did she get into a supposedly amazing relationship straight after me ? Maybe the xp with me helped her grow ?

[@hilostateofmind]

Does this apply to emotionally unavailable people? I mean like a person who also has CPSTD and is extremely guarded & half way shut down so there’s a real lack of intimacy and just emotionally immature and really not very sentient or empathetic or emotionally supportive.

[@justseekingtruth3998]

Can some one send me a link to part two? I can't find it . . .

[@613pics]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/ZnSZnICnbal0qK8

[@tinafabulous50]

This is a difficult subject for me. I am working on myself and not pursuing a romantic relationship but I tend to attract "unavailable friends". Whether emotionally or they don't have time and it's very painful for me and my children.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

There are a lot of tools in this community! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@visualjottings5626]

Hello Ana, in your opinion, which gender are more likely to suffer PTSD or Cptsd?

[@terihammond5932]

Well, I don't feel smart. This is me to the letter. Unfortunately, they are the only ones who ever show the slightest interest in me. I never set out to actually date them, I just end up in 3 year long one night stands...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I understand, but you can change that when you're ready :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@c.9850]

Is that why i like married men?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes, that could be why!

[@carloferretti8956]

All women like married men let’s be honest!

[@booksteer7057]

So we're NOT talking about people who are not available because they're way out of your league?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Nope.