CPTSD & The Toxic Love of Unavailable Partners: How to Get Free

[@jbb8261]

I had an epiphany with my last ever toxic ex. I told him to his face, “I want intimacy. Not just s3x. And you can’t give me that.” It was actually pretty funny watching him digest and try to talk his way out of that. Shortly after I met my wonderful, emotionally available and loving husband and we’ve been happy ever since.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Well done! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@PLad-pr9cl]

Thank you for sharing:3💕

[@Grahh777]

Congrats 🎊

[@It_was_all_a_dream]

Love this. Thanks for sharing 🥰❤️

[@ratherboutside2]

Good for you!!

[@amycuaresma]

Choose people who choose you. You deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself you think are unlovable.

[@echase416]

Exactly. Go where the love is…

[@alice-hp7dh]

I choosed him, I wanted to accept his soul even with his flaws. But he didn't choosed me. He has plenty of people who love him, he has choices. Sometimes things goes like this.

[@jodipaterson6668]

What about people raised that way as children? It isn't a choice to wish your family loved you

[@aartivedi5539]

What about your narc child??

[@aartivedi5539]

@@alice-hp7dh it's not people have many it's he didn't click with what you r..

[@melissaszarka7755]

A lack of love is abuse!! Thank you for saying that....neglect is a form of abuse. I am finally making a connection in a way that I never did before.

[@monicaLynn7]

Matt’s behavior; breadcrumbimg and future faking is a narcissistic trait. Love doesn’t string someone along. He knows he can’t give you what you need and want and it he truly cared he would have ended the relationship awhile ago.

[@cherylb2008]

The last sentence so true. This is happening to me now

[@Fefe559]

I agree!!! so not fair...! good comment

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

YES! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Melissa-kw1sl]

When Anna said something like “ break up with Matt he’ll understand….” That was the part I disagreed with!! I’ve had a Matt in my life & when I break up he comes back with declarations of love, we’ll do this, I’ll do that.. etc etc. Once I agree to give it another go, the breadcrumbing/ unavailability starts again. I am 3 weeks no contact and working on myself! I’m feeling hopeful I can chose a healthier partner in the future as I get healthier. ❤️

[@alexaangels4488]

Facts

[@31Alden]

A healthy relationship doesn’t involve waiting for someone to get it together in order to be with you. REPEAT: A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T INVOLVE WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO GET IT TOGETHER IN ORDER TO BE WITH YOU

[@spoops752]

Thank you, I really needed to see this ❤

[@31Alden]

@@spoops752 I extricated myself from this person 7 months ago. Painful but necessary. There was no future, only hot air and false promises.

[@zakerdoodle]

Holy shit. I needed to hear this.

[@LouiseO78]

Realising that now after 2.5 yrs of wasted time

[@pritigaur3596]

My mind just exploded💥

[@reikicowgirl9817]

This is the same story I was getting from a boyfriend years ago. “Working til 10 tonight” working every weekend, working on the holidays, and when he wasn’t working he was exhausted from working. If he “spent the night,” he’d get up at 2 am and go home. I eventually found out that he was spending all his time with a divorcee 15 years older than him. How did I find out? I pretended I already knew about “his other girlfriend” and he fessed up. Then he tried to tell me “you’ll always come first.” I said eff that and moved to California.

[@ashleywilliams4948]

I was going to say..he seems like he treated her like the side chick. Your brilliant fake out had me cackling. Good job, babe.

[@livelearnandgrow5422]

I was with that same man girl pulled up and got the hell out. By the way, I’m a Reiki practitioner, so I hey sister Reiki.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I'd rather be alone than be in a bad relationship...

[@nursegaines3519]

Yea, because being in a bad relationship is like being alone

[@mylittlekittens]

@@nursegaines3519 Plus, you can recharge in solitude and catch up on things that are important to you.

[@SmartStart24]

@@nursegaines3519 Even worse because in a bad relationship there is someone who is *actively* choosing to withhold from and hurt you when they could love you like you deserve. One of the most painful things!

[@northofyou33]

Yup. I was in a bad marriage for 13 years. It was the loneliest time of my life. I have been single ever since, but never again as alone. My life is full with friends and kids and projects. Lots of love, though no partner. It's fine with me.

[@joanncoopertroupe3506]

True i bee in a few in my past. On my third last marriage .i have been married 23 years this marriage my past marriage was 20 years long. My first marriage i was married nearly 3 years. My daughter 46 is from that marriage..my aon is 41 hes from my 20 year marriage. Both were alcoholics did drugs,, this present husband does neither. We have had our issues. We both have adult kids with others. I am age 64 my husband is age 68..we have a rescue Dog naomi we rescued octuber of 2016. shes our fur child. We do 3 days a week of Janitorial work. My dad was and alcoholic, used drugs, my whole childhood was unstable. Its took me a very Long time to understand about Love and marriage being stable is very Important to me!! September 4,2022 will be 23 years married. Mine past years does over work that does stress me out. He suffers with ADHD.anxiety. he fame from a very un loving Family..

[@jamierguillory]

YES! He totally has another family already. No one works 24/7 and every holiday. Lots of future faking and sob stories to pull at heart strings while he watches her wither away. Cut that guy off.

[@amnbvcxz8650]

He most certainly also takes pride in being so irresistible and being able to fool and charm a woman like that. It’s a power trip for him

[@J0ELLEx]

"You can be in a relationship where, when you go into the world to do hard things, your home life supports you and lifts you up a little bit toward where you're trying to go. You get to have that." Hell yeah

[@blahblah2779]

Yeah. And then you'll wake up 😆

[@spiritualprincess118]

As a child of neglect I have had terrible relationships and had a terrible marriage. My dad would threaten to kill my mom and I and chase us with his guns around the house. Most times we would hide out in the camper when he came home drunk. He ended up killing himself when I was 8 after my mom left, but he left a note stating he intended to kill all of us. Thankfully, I got sick the day we were supposed to go visit. My mom moved on quickly and that's where serious neglect kicked in. If she wasn't working 15 hours a day, she was out partying. She worked from 8am to past midnight every day so her new husband left me alone or if he took me somewhere, he would leave me in the car for hours while he was doing God knows what. Once I started complaining, he just left me home alone. No supervision, or dinner. I remember eating dry macaroni because we didn't have food in the house and nobody was there to make me anything. I raised myself. I rarely saw my mom except for on Sundays. If I didn't have our home cleaned and all their laundry done, I was met with the silent treatment for a week or longer. My stepdad withheld money for me to eat lunch at school if I didn't cook, clean, mow or do their laundry correctly. I always had to find my way to school and to work, so I would have money to buy school clothes or eat. What really made me angry was that the state was giving my mom $500 a month because my dad killed himself and couldn't pay child support. My parents were gambling, and taking trips together with money that was supposed to be supporting me. I grew up dating the wrong kind of guy because I never had a strong female role model. I thought dysfunctional, abusive relationships were normal. I began to be a people pleaser and constantly went above and beyond for my mom's affection which never worked. I married an abusive drunk similar to my biological father and stepfather. That marriage didn't end well. I'm now 51 and clearly see how my childhood affected my life negatively. However, I am strong because of everything and I will not tolerate bad behavior from anyone. I've been single for 22 years. I understand that my parents were awful people and didn't deserve to have a child, but I also know that I am worthy of love and deserve the very best out of life. Thank you for what you do to help people. 🙏

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Wow. My parents screamed endlessly and punched holes in the walls; I sometimes worried one of them might commit suicide. But the rest of the time things were loving and decent enough. It was never ever as serious as your situation. I'm sorry that happened to you! Relationships are really hard. But it does take practice and cycling through a few guys to start recognizing your patterns and their repeating red flags.

[@cup_o_TMarie]

I’m so very sorry you lived through all of this & the fact that you’re still here is a miracle❤️‍🩹 I understand far more than you can know. You sound like you’re so aware of the holes in the walls so that you can repair them!💪And the fact that you know your worth is fantastic 🤩 Do you mind sharing some of the things you’ve done to heal from all of this trauma? Sending you love 🥰

[@thenewyorkcitizen]

You are a survivor. You endured a lot. Your story is honest and unfortunately common. I can relate to much of your story. Sending good thoughts your way.❤

[@cjm3008]

i feel so sorry that whole thing happend to you. I am also a survivor, you are not alone.

[@wifey379]

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[@gessrinky9129]

I have horribly starved of attention as a child. My parents were self-preoccupied and often told us how much of a burden we were. At 16 I became very promiscuous because I craved that closeness with another person so so badly. As an adult it has caused me a lot of shame and guilt 😢

[@sueashland6829]

Don't be ashamed. You do things to survive that pain. What's good is that you're learning and getting the tools to do better moving forward.

[@ScoutGrey]

peace be with you

[@marlenaeva3813]

I'm tired of breadcrumb relationships. I stopped dating because I know I'll attract another unavailable or narcissistic partner. And I'm 39!! Anyway, sending love to Nora. I know it's not hard letting that guy go but it's the right thing to do in the long run.

[@Peanuts76]

yes, some man are really abusive and toxic, there's so much thing to do beside put all of yourself into relationship....

[@SK-no2pp]

If you’ve worked on yourself, have healthy boundaries, and can spot red flags, it doesn’t matter what you’ll attract. There’s all types of people out there, you’ll be able to walk away.

[@lilianfowler7988]

I understand what you mean. I am much older than you. With each relationship my life situation has gotten worse. Each time I thought I had learned and healed. Yet somehow they pick me and I let them in. Time to just be me.

[@oliviacadena2036]

@@Peanuts76 Amen to that!!!! 👍👍💯💛💙💛

[@oliviacadena2036]

@@SK-no2pp Amen!!! 👍👍👍👍💯❤️

[@snowstormonsat]

I let a few unavailable men go and I wished I did it sooner. They never change they just find new partner that will tolerate it. They will never be avail to anyone. I'm happy on my own and if I ever met a wonderful person I'm completely avail. I won't settle for less cause I'm fine on my own.

[@Roisin3107]

My heart goes out to everyone in this situation, it's so painful and lonely

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for joining in! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@littlecupcakespuppies]

"The time of your life is passing". Thanks for this Anna. It is a very bitter pill to swallow. Maybe the most bitter pill of all to realize that one has lost so much time in life.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

There is one thing to do for it, and luckily it's very powerful and can change everything: Heal your trauma symptoms and the habits they've etched in you. You're in the right place!

[@31Alden]

I so relate ..

[@nancyk3615]

I wasted all the "time of my life : on bad guys. I have my animals and enjoy my time alone. But I'm really not alone because my dogs, cats goats and horses actually appreciate me more than any of the bad choices did. I made lots of bad choices by obeying my ovaries. I turn 65 this week and have wonderful friends and siblings. I was so shy and I consider it a handicap. That's why I settled for crumbs for so long. I have learned to pick the people who choose me and have had some pretty good times the last few years. Don't ignore those red flags....

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Forgive me for being slow but what does "choose people who choose you" mean? That you should only engage with people who seem interested in you? x

[@Vv-fl2rm]

@@charlottetaylor4471 yes!! Choose relationships and spaces that nourish and fulfill you and want you as much as you want them

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

I am done with dating. I now live with my dogs. Best life ever.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

:) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lulabee384]

Same!

[@kitty1256x]

And I live with cats!

[@Njjoy16]

Yes, totally faithful, loving and trustworthy. Dogs rock.

[@ScoutGrey]

diogis are LIFE

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Sometimes you really don't want to walk away but you have to in order to save your sanity...

[@notagain779]

I'm guessing that Matt is married. Nora might be interested in something that happened to me when I was single and in my 30's. I'm now 70. I met a young couple next door. they weren't married. She wanted marriage and was ready to start a family. He was dragging his feet, wanted her to give him "time", but he couldn't say how much time. He asked me out to dinner. At dinner he complained to me that she was trying to "force his hand" as he put it. She'd said to him that she needed to be married within the next year. He was her first choice, but if he couldn't do that, she'd have to move on to another man. He was furious! He actually thought she had no right to be thinking of her needs or her future! I quietly thought to myself, SMART WOMAN! She was married soon after, but not to him. I never dated him again, either.

[@Equivocal-squiggle]

Oh my goodness! My very first relationship was like this. Both him and his parents ridiculed me for wanting to be married. They said that I was being unreasonable, after three years of dating. To this day, I still feel this incredible guilt for wanting to be married! Perhaps that's why I accept "breadcrumbs." I just wanted you to know that this comment really resonated with me and I'm probably going to read it many times over the coming weeks to keep my strength. Thank you a million times ❤️

[@notagain779]

@@Equivocal-squiggle , I'm so glad if my comment was of some help to you. After three years of dating, if it doesn't lead to marriage, what's the purpose of it? That's certainly long enough to make your decision, and expect that he can do the same by then. His parents had no right to ridicule you for wanting to be married. Please don't feel guilt. It's normal and natural to want to be married. ❤

[@jellybean6778]

@@notagain779 why does every good long-term relationship have to "end" in marriage? The point of continuing in a good relationship after three years is continue the good relationship and not be lulled into thinking a wedding will make it better and that a (flammable) piece of paper you both signed can't be shredded first, then burned. Not every couple needs the state to sanction their relationship.

[@notagain779]

@@jellybean6778 , I think for that particular woman, she felt that children should be born into a secure and committed relationship. For her, that meant marriage. She needed that commitment from him. Having children born into a secure family life was important to her. I think she came to realize her priorities, but felt he had no intention of considering her position. She wanted to know how to proceed with her life. Unfortunately, their priorities weren't in alignment. If a woman has a child without marriage and the man decides to leave, she has no legal protection to be supported in raising their child. A woman needs to consider a lot of these things. This particular man was only thinking of himself, as I learned during the time I dated him. It was going to be his way or the highway, so I got on the highway!

[@jellybean6778]

@@notagain779 in the US at least any woman can get support from the father, married or not. Paternity can be challenged but if a man agrees or is convinced (or if the law says) he is the biological father, he has to pay or he can be fined and more. Lots of women think they need to be in a relationship that is or at least appears stable, but life often interferes. There are no guarantees and she needs to be prepared to raise the child alone if that situation arises. "Born into a secure family" is ideal, but life doesn't always turn out the way we want, as evidenced by so many women who married with the idea of security and are now single parents

[@Njjoy16]

With these types of avoidant/unavailable partners, there will always be an excuse. If it's work and he retires, it will be he's taking care of his parents or something else. Always a carrot on a string. Roads of nowhere leading to nothing.

[@yvasquez2449]

I think a major problem with people who comes from a traumatic childhood (me included) is we do not believe we deserve better so we put up with lots of crap. Deep down we accept this half arsed situations because we don’t believe we can and should have better. We put our worth in the hands of people like this guy and wait for them to validate us, to tell us when we can have happiness and love…it is a lost battle from the beginning. Break the circle, awareness is the first step! .

[@EllieM_Travels]

In my case, I always believed I deserved the best, but I’d subconsciously place myself in relationships with men who didn’t agree.

[@yvasquez2449]

@@EllieM_Travels then you didn’t really believe it, thinking we should have better is not the same as believing it.

[@yvasquez2449]

Isn’t what I just said?

[@nazcarcup]

THIS VIDEO is a godsend. I was just reflecting on people who said they were into me, but yet ghosted and were super unavailable prior to the ghosting, despite their self-proclaimed feelings for me.

[@jarretthardcastle83]

Same thing happened to me 4 years ago. Yeah, the words and actions don't match up. So frustrating. I had to leave to keep my sanity.

[@nazcarcup]

@@deadislander When words don't equal actions....very frustrating

[@janetpattison8474]

Exactly! I’ve been ghosted many many times for long Periods of time by people who say they love me. Ghosting is cruel. Sadistic. And the narcissist doing it is oblivious to anyone else’s feelings. Experience has taught me that they do not change, so, I say run for the hills if someone is ok with ghosting you. And cut them out of your life.

[@amnbvcxz8650]

Men exaggerate their feelings when they’re horny and know it works as seduction tactic

[@eboli7146]

Ugh. It’s taken me ages to realise that what I thought was me being fiercely independent was partly true and partly a cover for CPTSD symptoms. Accepting so, so little and pretending I was fine with it while secretly wishing for more. My dad was a real Jekyll and Hyde type who could be a wonderful caring dad one minute, emotionally shut down / really angry and violent the next. I’m highly intelligent and have beaten myself up a lot over the years for repeating the same patterns and dating guys who blow very hot and cold, are ambivalent, unavailable and confusing. At 34 I’m starting to be honest and really gentle with myself because it’s now so clear that this isn’t my fault. Anna you inspire healing, hope and I’m really glad I found your channel.

[@user-cl6uj5bn2f]

I can relate to your experience 💯%

[@soysprouts]

I relate so hard to this. It’s illuminating to realize how you end up in the same relationship dynamics of your past

[@alcidesfy]

Yeah, Jekyll and Hyde describes it perfectly. The double standing, the contradiction, the compartimentalisation and lying to make you look unreasonable or clingy. The never taking care of you or acknowledging you.

[@24G-p5r]

The comfort of independence feels cripple and lonely

[@Lexi_Con]

You described my dad (except the violent part - he could be scary that way with words & tone of voice though). His father was an abusive alcoholic. I'm realizing a lot at age 50 that I never knew all my life. So unfair that this crap is passed down for generations. Good luck with your healing. ❤️

[@monikamroczek3305]

I had crappy childhood... Than few crappy relationships.. In age of 40 i realised that i had CPTSD and was involved always with narcissistic partners..i left all this behind, all drama, all toxicity.. Im single and happy now. Im working on myself. Im meeting new people.. Trying to live my life to the fullest. Thank you for all ur videos.ur life saver❤️❤️❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Safferpsyche]

A lot of people mistake sex with intimacy. There is no real connection if you have sex without emotional connection. Frankly it's just sad.

[@childofdestiny2811]

I completely relate to this letter. I’m proud of this woman for realizing something was wrong after four years. It took me 17 years with my partner before I realized that there was only one person in our relationship.

[@user-2911]

20 years of marriage n I was the only one in it- 2 kids n he abandoned us like he don’t even know us- I’m completely alone as the children were adults when he did this no reason for it n twice after being horrible has tried to get me back n then ghost me both times- he definitely has personality disorder or something Lord help me

[@maiahmed9711]

Something that you said was impressive. The reason she lost her job is she couldnt handle the toxicity both in work and at her personal life. and thats why she lost her job..

[@sla1xyz]

Actions speak louder than words. My heart goes out to that lady who's invested so much time in this damaging relationship , I hope she finds healing and the ability to have clarity and walk away fast when she recognises the red flags.

[@loosilu]

The sunk cost fallacy. "I've put so much into it, I can't give it up."

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I hope so too! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ayamostafa5919]

11:00 you dont have to wait. A healthy relationship does not involve waiting for someone to get it together so that they can be with you. 16:14 a good relationship would make you better.

[@psyhense]

"Sounds like you can only do one hard thing at a time." This clicked for me, and lot of things line up now. Thank you :)

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's great! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@p.june11bug.p57]

I've been told this before too, and somehow it offends me because I wish I could handle professional pursuits (since I invested in a Masters) AND a relationship (I desire to have a family and a career). Why is that too ambitious? But I admit and am upset that I don't know how to manage both well.

[@MostlyCloudy]

He sounds married tbh.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I think so too.

[@DM-wv6to]

My ex fits that pattern too, though our relationship was fwb. But he would never spend the night, travel with me or take me anywhere. I asked him if he had a wife or gf and he always denied it. Never invited me to his flat- share though. Sometimes it's hard to know what exactly is going on.

[@maryjanerx]

Once a week, never over night, for 4 years? Definitely married

[@quinnin0]

Not necessarily, a dismissive avoidant will feel safer on their own but has a need for someone being there for them. Which isn’t fair but doesn’t mean they’re cheating.

[@MostlyCloudy]

@@quinnin0 sounds like she shouldn't' date him either way.

[@dotendit]

Thank you Anna! It's so important to hear this! A few things stand out: continuously accepting breadcrumbs. Accepting emotional neglect. Trouble with self-interest, self-care and boundaries. Letting yourself drained. Unable to leave unfulfilling or bad situations. Yep, it's when your needs were never met and that became your reality. Thinking that breadcrumbs is all you can get or deserve to get. As if you're a nothing and treated as nothing. So very sad. Looks like a dog that's beaten up far too many times and starved but won't leave the cage even if it's open.

[@71suns]

Well said. And true.

[@71suns]

Well said. And true.

[@echase416]

The ‘dog in the cage’ model is called .

[@dotendit]

@@echase416 Yes, probably because all attempts to break free, initiate things or stand on your own feet were criticized or punished or ridiculed. You don't really matter or only in the way that you can be used for some things or traits.

[@andylima24]

@@echase416 I'm gonna research for this I already read something superficial about it.. tks

[@LouisaWatt]

Matt sounds like an even more extreme version of my ex-husband. I know exactly how impossible it is to live with a workaholic. As someone else said, that level of selfishness and future-faking is narcissistic. It might not have the overt malevolence we usually associate with narcissism, but at the end of the day they’re incapable of caring about anyone or anything except themselves and their career (which is the source of their narcissistic supply). Don’t waste 8 years like I did. It never changes, it never gets better, it only gets worse. My first impression was that Matt already had a partner. Even workaholics will spend Christmas with you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

right on! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

I used to work 12 hours a day and always found time for friends and a partner.

[@teresaz7152]

Nailed it!

[@kellyjoe4life]

Being a recovering workaholic, I disagree, I would have rathered worked that holiday for double pay then spend a holiday around a bunch of people who still don’t understand me or had hurt me growing up etc.

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

@@kellyjoe4life I agree. Sometimes it's the most positive thing you can do at the time. And without workaholics we wouldn't have the computer, the light bulb, great symphonies.

[@beegee5305]

I really like listening to you.... not only a lot of wisdom but a peaceful and comforting voice. So many on youtube are overly energetic in their mannerisms that it's exhausting listening to them.

[@seeliekeely]

I almost could have written this letter. The buffer the man in my life has used is "too anxious", and "once things settle down..." I've been holding on, waiting for over a year and a half, but he's always moving the goal posts. It's been so difficult. I've compromised so much. I feel like I'm too afraid to even desire marriage anymore because I've been in so many relationships like this. You reminded me that it's okay to want something more.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It is more than ok to want better, it's crucial to healing! Glad you are here and if you want more support, we have that too courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@SK-no2pp]

He’s not the prize. You are the prize. There’s no need to prove yourself to him.cultivate self love and self respect. A man who truly loves you and cherishes, would not put himself in the position to lose you. The waiting energy will only cause more stagnation and grief. His anxiety is not your problem, he’s not meeting your needs and wants. Sending you healing and love.

[@amandaforrester7636]

Who the heck downvoted this??? Its Matt, right? Matt is mad you blew his cover.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

LOL hilarious -Cara@TeamFairy

[@saraliburd7752]

Ha ha ha

[@jadegreen1554]

😂

[@greaterishe7197]

😀

[@ScoutGrey]

brilliant

[@Nicole-c7s]

Another poster said this was “delusional love” and that is the perfect term for children that were told they were loved but actually weren’t. I think we grow out of CPTSD when we, as adults, can handle the REAL truth. We don’t need the fuzzy amnesia preventing us from seeing what is right in front of us anymore. This man is married. That is the cold hard truth. I’m so sorry…

[@JB-pe2yn]

Ouch! This one hit home. Currently going through withdrawal after ending a very similar situation. My body, mind and soul are utterly shaken from the trauma of leaving.

[@tonysworld9788]

I just went thru the sane thigs and hhad 2 kids with the asshole. He never even cared for the kids. Worked 7 days a week 15-18 hours a day and slept the rest of the hours

[@31Alden]

Same.

[@jbird1012]

How are you feeling now? I'm a week in and it's pretty rough.

[@CorporateQueen]

I hope you're doing better a few months on. I've been there too but so wonderful when joy starts to come back .. Hugs.

[@latesmyplace]

“Thin soup” is a great analogy and I will definitely be referring to things as thin soup from now on.

[@juanderuano8969]

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i don't know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her

[@juanderuano8969]

@jaypritchett3414 wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?

[@juanderuano8969]

@jaypritchett3414 Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.

[@TeamCat1128]

There’s no shame in being single! We’re here for you girl.💕

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's right! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@themissmay]

I am ALWAYS choosing someone who is not available and is never interested.

[@sysye]

Me too 🥺

[@kaziquefly]

Same 😞💔

[@apoenaabreu257]

Right there with you sister

[@amber40494]

I did it, too. My 2nd husband wS never available. Turns out he's a sex addict. Was always busy hooking up for sex.

[@renatelewis538]

Miss May. I'm in the same boat.

[@jen4yahwehsal176]

I don't know how to thank you for what I Have learned a very handsome gentleman was trying to get with me. He also was separated, He wasn't divorced and he was trying to get me to meet him and stared talking about sex.. before. I would've just joked it off Wanting his attention and be with him so bad. I would have ignored what he said. But now I told him I was only looking for a serious relationship. And sex was definitely Not gonna happen anytime soon and he Ghosted me, Thank you so much for helping me. I'm proud of myself and I couldn't have done it without your teaching

[@aliaramosss]

I had a guy similar like this and he was a narcissist who kept cheating on me. I’ve been free from him for the last 3 weeks and I can’t wait to heal and find the love of my life. Finally leaving him was the best thing I’ve ever done. They never change. Don’t settle for these mediocre boys!

[@emilytreu2312]

I just met a person who was the most beautiful woman I have ever met, with a personality to match. But she was extremely unavailable , only found out after we had become intimate and I had developed feelings. So many times I tried to escape and she wouldn’t let me go. Eventually I think finally telling her one last time kind of opened her eyes… but it’s just so crazy how you can convince yourself of right person, wrong time and then waiting around. You don’t realize how it does block you from other people and living your own life. If this wasn’t my biggest test, I don’t know what could be. 🤦‍♀️ but I think I passed

[@onelittledropintheocean]

Personally it has taken me a long time to let go of delusional love. I have had to really take a good look at myself rather than projecting onto the person who is 'causing' me the love drama. Once I can see my own truth for what it is, only then can I change. Perhaps I am a slow learner but the main thing is that I am learning and becoming wiser in the process 🙏💖🕊️

[@beatle1956]

I am a 66 yr old man with BPD and CPTSD. Relationships are so overrated. Love yourself. Enjoy your own company. Do what you want, when you want, if you want and how you want. I've been divorced and without a relationship for 25 years. (I don't miss living with a person who consistently criticized me, shamed me and nagged me to death). These years alone have been the most stress-free and happiest times of my life. Freedom is priceless. Love yourself. You're worth it.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I am glad you are living the life you want :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Any advice on how to truly accept yourself and overcome that feeling of emptiness? x

[@beatle1956]

@@charlottetaylor4471 I highly recommend the great book FEELING GOOD: the New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns MD. It is the best guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy ever written. It is the industry standard for CBT. It comes in paperback and was first published in 1980. This book saved my life when I was in the depths of depression. CBT basically teaches a person to challenge the distortions of depressing thoughts, which the author refers to as "automatic thoughts". I practice CBT mental exercises to this day. Don't get overwhelmed by the amount of information in the book. It has chapters on helping with many different cognitive issues that you can refer to as needed. I wish you the best of luck. This book will help you realize that you are the master of your happiness, not the outside world. CBT is not some pop culture nonsense. Again, it saved and changed my life. 🙂

[@Pokedawn100]

Amen!!

[@Pokedawn100]

​@@charlottetaylor4471 practice makes perfect.

[@heykennarae]

What you said about being afraid to leave situations that aren't good for you really resonated with me and my current situation with a toxic workplace. The system mimics my childhood home and, even though I want out, the thought of putting in the effort is exhausting in itself. What you said about energy being everything is so important, because I now see what toxic and draining relationships actually do. They kill your motivation and beat down your spirit. Leaving takes courage. Thank you for sharing. I hope that Nora and everyone struggling with similar issues can find the strength to get out and find peace.

[@nensi1972]

🙏🌹❤️💐...

[@71suns]

Thank you for this.

[@michellet796]

I dealt with this in my career for a number of years along with home issues & was extremely unhappy. Then one day someone was promoted before me that felt like a slap in the face & that was what it took for me to put in the extra work for myself to get a better job. It wasn't instantly 100% better but I've forced myself to grow & mature in my work environment so I'm much more fulfilled now. If only I can find the thing to move me forward in the rest of my life now, but hey it's about taking steps right?

[@heykennarae]

@@michellet796 thanks for sharing. Yes, one step at a time. Even just acknowledging that the situation doesn't fit and that you deserve better is a step. I'm glad you got out of there. Wishing you peace. 🖤

[@g0oz514]

when you feel like crying opening up the door at 7 in the morning you are overdue. time to switch Jobs. you got this! get some new shoes before you drop your old ones. its oke to not know what to do or where. just try Jobs and see what sticks. i am doing that now and i know what i dont want anymore. there are Jobs that work for your life. i break open and create roads now since 6 weeks and i love it. the outdoors, long hours and hard work. works for me at the moment. Before this i was a busdriver for 6 months and tried painting peoples houses. its oke to try, You got this :)

[@ProudEve1]

I grew up in narrsistic family and i used to be the blacksheep. EVERYTHING was balmed on me... including not looking after my younger brother. My mother used to always say repeatedly " i wanted to abort you" i wanted to abort, she said it repeatedly throughout my teenyears. Now, i am healing. Thanks for ur healing channel. 💜💜💜

[@ishikavishwas-it4mo]

God heal you ❤

[@josephinedonnelley4762]

Omg!! This was a brilliant video. I relate so much and was in a relationship with a guy almost exactly like this! It turns out that he was living with another woman and he kept me hidden and excluded from everything. I had to go into therapy and am now with a lovely boyfriend who has introduced me to his family, spent three Christmases with them and have been on holiday and met his friends. It's wonderful when you finally get to have a loving relationship. & It is so possible for you- I know at first you think it never will be but don't listen to that voice!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow, what amazing progress! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@mariapadula5017]

I really feel like it will never happen. 🥺

[@llkellenba]

Sigh 😔 so many of my relationships are crumbs with long periods of ghosting. Sometimes I realize others have their own trauma wounds they’re nursing so give them passes BUT this behavior is So Painful and unfulfilling. Rewounding is the result.

[@aziafdoza1243]

It’s a blessing to find your channel ❤

[@loveschile7339]

Stumbled upon this and now patting myself on the back! Similar situation but in the beginning stages. I was fortunate enough to see the signs early. I thought we were destiny because we reconnected after a short relationship with each other a year ago. He's in another state and drove almost 4hrs to see me, only to find out he hadn't planned on staying for more than a few hrs! Then after our few weeks of Bliss, suddenly he has almost zero time for me, although his schedule never changed from before. I just left a super toxic relationship that almost broke me & I was NOT in the mood again & anything resembling that is a NO GO for me. I opened up & told him I needed more time & attention. Gave him suggestions and even backed off for a bit just to see what would happen. He acknowledged everything I said & said it's all his fault...yet no changes...so I ended it. Then I blocked him from any way to reach me! That's new for me & I feel the power in it. It wasn't to hurt him but to let my brain know this is FINAL. We were planning a marraige in the next 1- 2 months & yet I'm fine with my decision! I know what I want. I know what I need and at my age(43) I'm not waiting around & wasting time anymore just because they talk a good game.

[@Zoya194]

Stay strong fellow human being. Just stay strong and be calm. U got this.

[@Silversorcerer]

I know you were talking to Nora, but when you said "your home life can support you... you get to have that, and you deserve it" It was so touching... I nearly cried right away. Thank you

[@gldnsunrising7761]

That is EXACTLY what i said outloud just a few mins in, "he sounds like he already has a family"... no overnights? Come on now. Gurl- YOU DESERVE BETTER 💜💜💜

[@VenusRadha]

My thoughts exactly...he's already married.

[@71suns]

As I listened I said outloud...he's married.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We are all rooting for you Nora!!! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ellapantoja1645]

You’ve been a godsend I really appreciate your channel. I thought 13 years of therapy was enough. I am finding out through your channel that that wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg.

[@forestcat7150]

I needed to hear this. This is the story of my adult relationships. My dad died when I was 5, and it's only just coming to my attention at 47 how much this has affected my string of broken relationships, being breadcrumbed, used, then discarded and abandoned. Your videos are so helpful because they help me recognize all this stuff that I wasn't even aware of. It amazes me that even after a crappy childhood, you, and many others of us who survived trauma and love starvation as kids, still have such kind and compassionate hearts and such a concern for others suffering. I see that in your face when you read people's letters. I think that is the key thing to remind ourselves, we are kind people with good hearts and a capacity to love that is innate and overcomes the lack of love we might have received or felt at anytime in our lives. But before we direct that at any other person (especially romantic relationships) we need to give it to ourselves first and foremost. Thank you for your help!

[@kitkat615]

thank you for your comment! I love what you've stated; that we "have a capacity to love that is innate".. very true and helpful. I think it's so important to focus on what is useful / positive / helpful, rather than the negatives.. it can be so strategic. We can still experience love to flow through us (when we're tapped into the stream) no matter where we've been..we can wash the mud and dirt that our souls have fallen into in this everlasting stream. Thank you.

[@kathleen3292]

I haven’t watched yet but your title is exactly how I felt in my marriage.

[@amber40494]

Me too! So glad I'm out!

[@chilloften]

It’s so heartfelt I want to weep. It’s all so true. Many of us out here are hurting and with you sweet girl. You can do better on your very own, trust, that.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all behind you Nora! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jeffreypmitchell]

Have relationship expectations that includes your needs to take care of yourself.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Absolutely agree! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kiraalialeeonfairythegreenone]

So very true. It's impossible to make a cake out of crumbs of love...and we have to stop trying to decorate it with icing when it's collapsing before our eyes.

[@caycic1]

I work so hard to save everything. She's not kidding when she says we have an extremely hard time of letting go.

[@test1test219]

After two years of not knowing what was happening to me and research on self help and being gaslit, YOU are the only one who helped me figure it out and help me break a horribly toxic bond. I have CPTSD and limerence and understanding that, I am now trying to heal.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jeffbarnes54]

This is what I go by. 1. The love interest MUST have a positive and close relationship with their family. 2. Financially independent 3. I MUST meet their friends 4. We must spend lots of time together. 5. I MUST see their home 6. Do they like animals and more importantly do animals like them. 7. I do a background check on line. Those are just the first steps that i do within the first 3 to 4 months of a dating relationship. By the time 1 year goes by, I should know everything about that person and vise versa. I utilize this plan now due to the negative relationships I had when I was younger.

[@OompaloompaPrincess]

I was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person for 7years. My needs were never met, felt disgusting for having emotional needs and over the years my own value in my eyes got to zero. With having ctpsd we believe this is our only chance at happiness, living on breadcrumbs. But that is not the case. I am so happy being alone rather than being in a breadcrumb relationship. My relationship towards myself is blooming. This video was helpful at so many levels , thank you Anna ❤️

[@dede4004]

Just saw this. I agree 100%. We sadly do accept bread crumbs for far too long. I just discovered these videos, and finally.....some answers as to why I have seen myself this way. It's been very difficult to break out of, but I HAVE been looking for answers, and I found others that have been going through the same thing. How interesting and helpful.

[@crystallparker9247]

Thank you for this video. The way you explain everything makes me realise that I suffered my whole life, starving. My childhood was a nightmare, my 25y of marriage I suffered emotional abuse and on top of all that, 6years before our deforce, I quit my job to help buy a business that he sold 2 years ago. I am still struggling to find a job to support me and my 2 teenage daughters. Currently we still live together as we are both owners of the house and none of us can afford to move. I feel trapped in another nightmare.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

If you need additional support we have an incredible community working through seemingly impossible problems together courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@pennyblackpesic6949]

I love these videos and the advice is so helpful and illuminating. What’s sad about the situation that even in a bad relationship where they strung you along like this, when you say ‘no’ and try to change a situation the person is comfortable in, it can trigger an intense campaign to try to get you to go back to what they want instead of allowing you to move on peacefully. Leaving an unhealthy situation is hard, and dealing with someone that’s using you and is now upset you’re not ‘the same’, is like fighting off wild wolves while trying to build a house. The only way to build that house without harm is to build a fence and keep out the wolves. So glad this channel is here to help build better boundary fences and how to rebuild a shattered life.

[@sol57]

Very describing with wolf brushing off and build af house at the same time. WELL PUT, to say, that You Need to put up the solid fence first.

[@sarasounds2389]

These videos are so calming and relaxing.

[@Milnjed]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hungry for all my life, but the saddest thing is to still be hungry even when you have a plenty of food!

[@MsFlintmaynard]

go to the only one Ive found to love me completely....Jesus Christ 💕

[@rosyloveslearning3013]

I was so emotionally abused that the stress caused my gorgeous hair to dramatically change and thin. Brutal to self esteem. As if I did not go through enough,!

[@lemonspring6425]

Affected my hair too..

[@deborahcookston9373]

Happened to me as well

[@trevor_mason_reed]

Woah! I didn't know that! 😰 Thanks for sharing!

[@akferren1]

Happened to me.. my long thick beautiful hair began to thin and fall out

[@jeffreydouglass4346]

Give and give and give and get only breadcrumbs from several long term friendships. Finally allowing others to be who they are without feeling so much hurt and resentment on my end. Setting loving boundaries for those who can't give more, out of newly found kindness to myself. Thank you Anna for your words of encouragement!

[@sybilizzard6401]

One of the most profound and inspiring and I'm sure life changing and life saving advice for So many I have ever ever heard. So literal no playing games etc nonsense I've heard too much of and confusing advice in one ear out the other. I have read tons over the years to do with mental health and self help and watched numerous KZbin videos to do with psychology. This is just excellent priceless info. Thankyou.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

thanks so much for supporting the channel and fairy! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@johndoe-ep7qk]

I was literally thinking "this guy sounds like he's in another relationship" the moment she said it...I'm a guy and this guy's behavior doesn't sound legit. Take back your power and walk away from him; too many red flags

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes!

[@mariahgutierrez4481]

The best advice I ever received was that men will grow on you, so pick the ones you don't need to see as a project. The moment their words and actions dont match drop them and continue.

[@PkmnMasterHolly]

You are truly a blessing!! Thank you so much for making your videos free to the public here on KZbin. You've helped us more than you know!!!!!! ❤

[@Chunkymonkey309]

“Matt” definitely sounds married/in a relationship. This is my first video on this channel and it’s very enlightening!

[@bystandersarah]

My first thought was he’s in a primary relationship and has made this girl an unknowing mistress.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Same concern -Cara@TeamFairy

[@janicecass2713]

When I started healing, I was happy on my own I needed to be alone. So I met someone on line , just as fwb that's all I wanted I was happy with it. Then I started to realise I had a gut instinct we where going to be together one day. I ignored it. But I realised how nervous I made him, and things I said like he should be driving, he said he didn't want to, but then next time I seen him he had past his test..he said what have you done to me. I never contacted him, he did me. Then I knew how he truely felt, about me, but he comes across as he doesn't care. So I walked away cut off from him . If he wants a relationship he will contact me if not I can move on.

[@amycuaresma]

It’s easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate. Through understanding, we grow.

[@ThePossumone]

If we learn to be INDIFFERENT to the things that are out of our control ( such as People ignoring us or not liking us or even cheating ) we become more peaceful and learn to only align ourselves with people who have the same values as us - they are not rejecting or abandoning us - they do not have the same values and we can lessen our contact with them to only bare minimum

[@tunrayosdiary]

I watch most of your videos from Nigeria ❤. Thank you for making our time to analyze the mails and teach life lessons about Childhood trauma and how they can impact our adult life.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching! Glad you are here. Nika@TeamFairy

[@minusstage3]

Mercury poisoning. This is a terrific metaphor here! Esoterically, Mercury is understood to be representive, of our mundane knowledge and also the ability to communicate with others. The nervous system, physically speaking. The conditioned mind spiritually speaking. It's amazing how much knowledge the veda's have left behind for us all, to guide ourselves through this personal labyrinth of life. Blessings to all.

[@azcactusflower1]

Interesting

[@yeeoomon-gu4il]

One of my mistakes Waiting for change is unacceptable ....

[@writeousrhema]

That dude "likes" her because he can be 100% self-absorbed for 4 years and she won't require him to change under threat of leaving.

[@marygolden6192]

You spoke a gem in this video for me. I have been in turmoil over how my mental clarity has declined in my job performance since getting into my relationship. I see now that I have overloaded my limited bandwidth for handling stress, and it is encouraging to realize that can be recovered.

[@isaaca6445]

This is utterly amazing! The clarity of explanation is astounding. Just what I need. I love "I'm circling that and I'm going to come back to that later...". I rarely stay focused when watching videos. These videos grab my attention and keep me listening intently right to the end. Very good communication skills! What a gem!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you so much!

[@sysye]

This video made me sad, i just got out of relationship with someone that didn't care about me.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It can be different next time :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@sysye]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you ❤️

[@MSG66]

Total avoidant; I dated someone like this. Never spent the night with any woman at his place, always hers. Always had FBW relationships prior, spent all holidays with his extended family, buried himself in his work. Used to say "I can make it snow in my mind anytime I want. I don;t think about anything I don't want to." It hurt a lot but now I feel sorry for him. He was so damaged by his mother, given what he shared with me about her. He hurt a lot of women besides me. I know better now..

[@alexedgar6539]

I love your kindness. We fall into these patterns and only see them when they are too late. 💔💔💔

[@Plot_twist]

Leaving relationships and situations is almost too easy for me.... it's scary how I can detach myself so quickly from somebody 😣

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

A lot of our members are working through that- we have more support available courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@phyllidaacworth5212]

I was in a relationship like Norah's for 12 years and have been single for 9 years now. I don't miss him at all.

[@ltruj123]

People raised in toxic relationships are also toxic. We have to learn to fix ourselves first or we will keep meeting toxic people like our selves.

[@j.d.aengus]

I like what Anna says at 21:11. Sometimes it IS the loss that causes us to make a change, to learn and grow.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Taobeth]

Post-traumatic growth

[@ninamc6116]

This was a great video! Thank you! This is the story of my life. Lets me know I’m on the right track finally after 40 years of chaos in my life.

[@lizz512]

Needed to hear this tonight. I have been accepting crumbs for a long time thinking it was normal or ok....oh gosh...thank you for this video. I feel validated that the lack of everything in this relationship is not just in my head but it is actually real.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You got this! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jillpruett3444]

It's so gut wrenching to listen to this from a gal that's been going thru this for 4 years. I've been married to someone like her boyfriend for 21+ years ! No intimacy for 6 years. There's no one else, he's always with me when not working. I'm in therapy for my Agoraphobia and depression. I keep praying I can find an online job so I can make some money and leave. I'm having an OMG moment seeing my Mom in me tolerating my abusive dad because it's what Jesus would want me to do. I see my Dad in me full of rage and disgust and his cynical life. I am so trapped 😢

[@TeamCat1128]

It’s the only life you have. Make it count.

[@protodhamma]

12:45 the most nourishing consideration. Considering this literally made my mind and body feel good.

[@azcactusflower1]

I'm sorry Norah! 💜 It hurts and your future is bright! Become strong and wild in the heart free! Shine on 💜

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes! We support you Nora! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@vivdoolan6846]

I'm so tired of breadcrumb relationships. My father was unavailable, my mother was a covert narcissist so her needs came first. I've been with my partner and love him but never really feel my emotional needs are met. I have friends but they just dont have any space for support , I usually just support them. I'm isolated too as I work alone. I think that void of never having had my emotional needs met will always be there. I tried to have relationships with my siblings but I was the only person in the relationship...so when I ended those relationships I didnt even feel any loss , because there was nothing to miss. I've just always craved a 'tribe ' I never got through the family system.

[@cherylb2008]

Came across this tonight. Thirteen year marriage =fail Three year recent relationship =fail Not sure if I will ever meet someone. Tolerance for partners that don’t give emotional support Parents had four kids they couldn’t handle, and there didn’t seem to be time to sit and give time and attention to us individually or age appropriate rules.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm glad you're here...if you are looking for more support and community we have that too courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dawna4185]

...change your mindset. stop looking for someone else to give you what your parents didn't. we must look to ourselves and be the caretakers of ourselves and reparent that damaged child within....being alone is good and healthy and safe. learn to enjoy your life all by yourself. you can do it!

[@llkellenba]

Same here…😥

[@margaretwilson451]

I felt that awful knawing emptiness I experienced with him when watching your video. I have moved on and am slowly healing. I feel much happier and at peace. Thank you for your video. God Bless.

[@TeamCat1128]

Good for you!