Unhealed Disorganized Attachment Triggers Emotional Abuse

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A Disorganized Attachment style is a trauma wound that can drive you to LONG for love and then push it away again and again, every time you feel irritated, or vulnerable, or disappointed. Childhood trauma is almost always the cause of this, and THAT wasn’t your fault. But when you need to manage your well being by constantly breaking up with someone, and then trying tto get them back, you are creating chaos and instability, and almost certainly give them trauma wounds in the process. The push and pull generates a trauma bond, where a previously happy and strong person gets so weakened by the emotional abuse that they can’t seem to stay away. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who wonders if two people swirling in this drama can ever change.
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[@krystalrodriguezotero6194]

Thank you for being so straightforward in this, sometimes that’s all we need. A little bit of tough love from someone we trust.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@amberinthemist7912]

This was my abusive household growing up. My parents were just two traumatized people who refused to get help. They always want credit for not being as bad as their parents but refuse to be accountable for the damage done to the children they dragged through their "chaotic attachment style". If this is you please don't have kids. If this is you, and you already have kids put your lovelife on the backburner until your kids are grown.

[@dingdong6452]

Sadly it's the least aware people who have the most children.

[@AlvinKazu]

My parents always talk about their abusive childhood... My father would ENABLE my mother's bad behavior by saying "She had it rough in childhood." My mother will say "You're still upset over something YOU BELIEVE I did when you were 8 years old." I realized that yes, when I was 8, in 3rd grade, was the year she threatened to send me away to military school because I was "Causing trouble for the school" because a classmate's mother confronted my mother after the classmate made up accusation about me, which I still don't know what I did. This was a very small(65ish kids nursery-8th) religious private day school. I didn't even know why she came at me with these threats of sending me away, until I was in my late 20's early 30's, before hearing it was because of this other mother. My father even tried to spin it off as "Mom defended you," which at first made me think "Oh...." Until I realized wait.... that was when she flipped out at me... That caused me to be scared shtless the entire rest of my school career, afraid of getting into fights or anything for fear of getting ABANDONED(She also threatened me that if I got suspended in HS "That would be it for you." The worst part was when I told my father about it, he laughed and said "WE didn't have the money to send you away." As if it was no big deal, laughing away, thinking that's a crazy thing, how could I think that could happen... Not angry at his wife for making me so fearful of it for YEARS." It's crazy how in these dysfunctional families, there is no "up front" about anything. No conversations.... EVERYTHING is transactional, threats, coercion, etc.

[@katek4275]

​@AlvinKazu I feel you Alvin. Every time I bring up some hurt or experience I'd like to be heard about my parents have a way of immediately belittling it, laughing about it, or making it about them. We have to recognize they're just not emotionally mature, not expect them to ever grow up, and redirect the energy into healing ourselves. 🤍

[@GreeneChakra]

Thanks For this Advice! I’m taking it Now!!!

[@5thHouseProductions]

@@dingdong6452 I never could understand this until I realized the children are by products/ collateral damage of them trying to find love or be loved. They really shouldn’t drag anyone else into their trauma.

[@cheesecake4334]

My partner (22) and I (23) really wanted to make it work. I admit, I did this to him. What to him felt like petty quibbles felt to me like earthquakes shaking my core. I saw a clip of another video on this channel, where "neurological dysregulation" was mentioned. It was a very intense form of that, whenever I perceived (without checking in with him) that he felt a certain way (upset, angry, tired) with me. I felt emotionally unstable, like I was incapable of just being a normal human being, and that he deserved better from someone else. I still do believe that. But, despite the many times I'd broken up with him, we are now making it work. I needed to learn that those intense earthquake feelings did not have to be resolved through drastic, impulsive action - like breaking up with him - and could instead be talked through, worked with, with him or by myself, or someone else. So, we're making it work. The way you get rid of this wound, this "toxic/abusive" cycle is not by ending the realtionship. You will either die in self-isolation, or start the same cycle again with someone new. It's called "emotion-based" coping. Focus on how you're feeling and try to resolve /that/, not the situation. You and your partner will always be yourselves. It's learning to deal with and accept and understand and feel at peace with yourselves and each other that will help you both heal, by learning to resolve these negative emotions in healthy ways. I said my piece. I hope she finds this.

[@Officialtrinn1]

This is my issue as well , we’re 20 and 23 . Thanks for sharing your story!

[@CTHD13]

I recently exploded my relationship. I was anxiously attached, and would *never* actually voice my needs or expectations, I just kept supporting and loving her as hard as I could. Until I eventually resented her, and melted down, leaving her out of nowhere. Then I would try to get her back, realizing something was wrong. But for me getting her back meant fawning and anxious attachment again, and then I would run from it again. We broke up three times, and are completely no contact now. It was world-shifting to realize, a month after she was gone, that I was an abuser. I’m really dealing with the fear that I’m incapable of healthy love.

[@pegtheshrek9512]

You made a great step Info the right direction. And many more will follow. I believe in your ability to learn to trust yourself and life. Love yourself first. Always. Support yourself. Grieve. Grow space inside of you that the universe will fill with Love and appreciation and trust and respect. You'll get there. Believe. 💚💚💚

[@CTHD13]

@@pegtheshrek9512 Thank you. 😭 I want to better. I’m working hard on myself. I never want to hurt someone like that again.

[@lajuanjonice]

You're so brave for revealing this. And humble for recognizing your role and working on it.

[@iohannesfactotum]

You and me both brother

[@coryoneil5064]

This has been me. Recognition was the hard part. Something I'm actively working on.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@turbgar]

I wish I found psychology youtube so many years ago. It's been almost 2 years since I figured out I have the Fearful Avoidant attachment style and it clicked how I was often emotionally abusive, especially as a teenager. I started trying to figure myself out at about 8 years old but nothing seemed to fully fit.. Borderline, bipolar, autism, avoidant personality etc.. were all previous guesses for various things. Found out I have PMDD instead of Bipolar pretty early on(maybe 14 years old), but only recently realized I am fearful avoidant which clicked all the other missing pieces together. Knowing I have previously been emotionally abusive was hard and hurt a lot at first, especially since the attachment style forms with your self worth not existing to begin with, but I am so glad to know it and be able to further my healing journey to become a healthier person so I can maintain more healthy relationships.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Leoo117]

Sounds like she rejected him for actual good reasons whenever she broke up with him. She didn't feel safe due to his anger and he often didn't keep his word by changing things at the last minute, and she didn't feel loved due to his emotional unavailability. I think the trauma driven decisions she kept making was not only leaving him over and over, but before that, going back to someone over and over again with such unnattractive qualities that kept turning her off. She went back so many times hoping things would be different, but not taking into account who he actually is. So maybe she had no boundary or standards set for herself about what she wants. So she was driven only by how she felt in the moment, which is a bad way to go.

[@kittthompson]

Oh wow. This is a fantastic analogy. I needed to read this. Thank you. This is what’s happened for me. I trusted him more than I trusted myself and I would finish it bc I knew it felt wrong and then I would doubt my decision thinking I had been an awful person.

[@bh6518]

Bravo 👏🏻

[@liahknowsbest5092]

💡Everytime I watch one of these videos. It highlights my own patterns. No matter how long I've been in therapy, I'm a work in progress everyday. 💪🏽🙏🏽 Sending love to All CPTSD we will be whole and healed keep working through 💯🫶🏽🤗☺️

[@Channel89988]

I realized something I was never in a happy relationship with a guy..

[@deez4evs]

Same

[@Channel89988]

That doesn't have that much to do with it. I like how you ask me but you should ask some guys too since all they do is play games and aren't caring

[@naturalebeing]

Sucks so bad. All I want is a lifelong partnership, but thats simultaneously one of the most daunting/terrifying ideas to me. I used to think I just needed to meet the right person, but im 26, have dated tons of people, and the only ones I really liked were the ones who didn't want me back. I find faults with everyone and I fixate on "is this toxic?" "are they treating me unfairly?" etc. Anything so that I never am fully in, and so that I have a reason to eventually leave. I honestly just feel doomed to be in and out of relationships my whole life. I just can't fathom truly committing to someone and not wanting to get out and be alone again. Because of my experiences in life, there's no one I cannot live without. I'm really good at loving people from a distance. This is engrained so deep in me that when it's a choice between my peace and a relationship, I'll always choose me. Relationships are too stressful and triggering for me.

[@-melanie-1115]

Yeah. This. And it is hard. I am trying to change... but how?

[@mfknkaren]

You should choose you everytime.

[@vettie]

It is tough and I will be honest, I have yet to see any woman with this issue overcome it. I've even been in spaces where the women just accepted that the only types of men that they could be with are avoidants and narcissists. They seemed happier for it. It is quite perplexing to me personally as it sounds like an excuse to avoid the arduous task of forging self-love, but the shadow is to be respected -- not rejected. The limbo of indecision is what brings about suffering.

[@AlvinKazu]

We all need to heal first, that is #1. I realized there are certain things I want in life. I want a big, beautiful family... The thing is... I have no way of actually doing that now. I am not capable of having a GF or building something, because i need to work on myself. Once we can start healing and getting rid of the pain, learning the truth, and being able to fit back into this world, then we can start trying to "make it work" with others. Those who grew up in abuse only know how to live in the abuse. That is why we go from toxic person/friend/bf-gf/etc trying to figure out why we cannot keep a relationship. That's because the toxic people either want to feed on us, or relate to us, while the healthy people see how dysfunctional we are, and many times we can sound absolutely crazy, while trying to be SAFE, because we do and act in ways that are abnormal, because we are so damaged and broken, and live in a different world compared to most people who grew up in normal, loving homes. Best of luck to you miss. Subbed to help you out!

[@dr1flush]

@@mfknkarenbad advice if you understand what she’s saying. She needs to learn to self reflect and address the core wounds of abandonment or rejection . What she’s saying is she cannot find peace unless she’s in a toxic relationship. This attachment style only finds peace with unstable people and is triggered by safe partners. If she continues seeking her “ peace” she’ll end up alone. What you’re saying is enabling her insecurity

[@yuliyay3612]

I really believe its not her wounding but simply they are incompatible. As soon as they meet someone more secure or simply someone more suitable- they both will be totally different person. People often pick the worst possible partner and then call it attachment style or “attracting unavailable people”. You are not attracting them, you pick them and then you entertain them. Break the pattern - pick someone safe

[@3506Dodge]

I'm not pushing away "love." I'm pushing away people who aren't emotionally available for a relationship.

[@faith-o8w3j]

She's talking about something different here. Disorganized attachment.

[@jordansharp7081]

Unfortunately he is the disorganised one, and he pushes away my love and kindness

[@faith-o8w3j]

@@3506Dodge Ahh, I see. I'm mistaken.

[@Ally-nn9cg]

That has been my experience my whole life in both romantic and platonic relationships. The problem is not pushing away the relationship, the problem lies in being drawn to it in the first place. The affinity for trauma bonds is very strong. I believe a healthy individual would not engage in this dynamic at all. I’ve been working on myself for years trying to learn and consequently break the patterns. And still I keep finding myself in the same dynamic over and over again. It doesn’t help that majority of people who are eager to give their love have their own dysfunctional agenda that they often themselves are not aware of.

[@danaw23]

Wise words that are difficult but necessary to hear ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@VeronicaDuignan]

I have a therapist - a team actually and ive listened and read bessel vander kolk gabor mate and other utube contributors - your experiences and observations seem valid

[@TheLove1Makes]

Thanks again for your help.

[@NikeeStarStuff]

Bless you. Just bless you. I see these patterns in my family. ❤ Generational clean up. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@nowave76]

This was helpful! This might have been a bit more out on the edge and prolonged yet this example definitely illustrates the blind spots to the actual creepiness and pathos of whatever levels of Limerence/obsessiveness we might be harboring. Personal responsibility is good yet our culture may have perpetuated some of this too (esp for those of us that were easy prey) like older maybe even some more contemporary movies/love ballads with questionable messages etc.

[@georgiazen]

sabrina is in such a tough position - i wish her all the best ❤

[@cathy_clarinet]

Your channel and information is so good. I need to watch you more often

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@andyblendermann]

This is me. Thank you for directly exposing and talking about disorganized attachment. I was emotionally abused / whiplashed / ignored as a kid and used to be trauma bonded with both my father and brother. I first went into therapy at 25 after being a serial monogamist through college and past that was just me wanting a relationship more than anything, getting close to someone for a couple months and then breaking up with them to find someone new. I was confused and depressed and told by my family and friends I was committment phobic - and maybe that's what it was. Either way I didn't know what was wrong with me. I learned I had disorganized attachment and recently cPTSD and have been anxiously oscillating back and forth between ending my relationship with my 1.5 year, Nic. Who I'm in a healthy relationship with and do love very much (so it is possible), I just.. disorganized is so fucking confusing I can't tell half the time if I want to stay or go. I know I've likely scarred people in the past and I'm trying to regulate and communicate instead of running it's so damn hard. The deep urge to run is etched into my brain. Send love my way please I'm trying so hard ❤️

[@NotebookMapofLemon]

Ok so basically. Use 12 step thing. Also follow this channel and watch videos daily. And thus heal ourself. Also if there is anything push pull and triggering first check in with ourself for 3-4days before lashing out. Always always alwaya choose path of love. No blocking and breaking and angry exchange. Whenever in doubt always love love love and respect. Things will never go wrong.

[@shoji...]

Great comment, especially about stopping the knee-jerk reactions. Thank you...

[@SaeHansen]

@sandersensarah

[@naturalebeing]

it's so hard to hear "you need to be single and work on yourself" because I'm 26 and want to have a family in the next few years. I want to meet my person soon so I can start to build that foundation. I was single for 4 years up until last summer, and working on myself as best as I could, but it feels like im worse off now than I was.

[@vettie]

I think dating is still important to work through attachment trauma. You can't practice working through your attachment issues unless there is some danger of becoming attached. The key is to slow down your pace and date mindfully. Set a hard boundary on the amount of time that you need to get to know a person before seeing them exclusively, sexually, or romantically. Enforcing that boundary and really getting to know people authentically without an agenda is where the real work begins.

[@stellalynch6896]

You have plenty of time. Stop worrying about relationships. Find something you love that doesn't have anything to do with relationships. Try to enjoy your life.

[@koelkastridder3388]

Me too. I'm 25 and feel the same. It sucks sometimes but I do believe we will be able to create something more stabile because of the work we did :)

[@ryanmccarter9859]

Yes, I agree with the above commenter, you not only can heal while dating, but ultimately, you can ONLY heal in a relationship. These attachment wounds were caused by a bad relationship: the one with your caregivers. To heal, you have to reprogram the triggers and defense mechanisms, and you can learn all the textbook information you want about it, but ultimately, you can only heal by rewiring them when they occur, which requires you to be exposed to triggering situations. The key is to learn to slow down and interrupt your knee jerk reactions and give yourself time to regulate so that you can make a better choice. That's something that gets easier the more you do it.

[@CJ-sw8lc]

I've just been the guy in this situation (a similar situation, anyway). It's hard to explain why it hurts so much, but it absolutely does. A girl is always allowed to break up with me - it's a free country - but when it's this kind of cycle... it's so addictive and so painful. I really need to sort myself out now, but hey... it's been really really hard

[@hanasonder]

I was on the other side of this, but I also want to point out - the reason I kept going back is the false readiness to work on things with me until we actually made up. Just in case this resonates, if someone keeps coming back but then leaving again and accompanies that by saying that you are not delivering on the promises of working on things until they get you back, maybe also do some inner inventory as well

[@CJ-sw8lc]

@@hanasonder That's helpful! I can imagine we might project our stuff onto this situation (I'm not saying we are, I'm just aware that we might). In my case, I was the one being broken up with, then they were suddenly hating being single and coming back. Then they broke things off again Then I was suggesting ways to mutually work on things (which they denied they were doing but accepted that I was). They agreed to, but then they found other things which were wrong . They also broke up with me because I couldn't move closer to them for a few weeks while I finished off work projects etc etc... *sigh*, it was tough! But you're right - there are always reasons why these things happen, and relationships take two - even the unhealthy ones (maybe especially the unhealthy ones)!

[@hanasonder]

@@CJ-sw8lc ​@CJ-sw8lc Yeah, sometimes losing a relationship actually ends up being a blessing in disguise, but that doesn't make the heartbreak any easier

[@CJ-sw8lc]

@@hanasonder Aye that's right! I feel like I'm still searching for the blessings there... boy was it rough... but yknow, I guess in time it'll get easier. I'm trusting it will, otherwise I don't know how I'll live with it! (Edit: that final sentence wasn't meant to look super serious, I'm just venting 😊)

[@hanasonder]

@@CJ-sw8lc Venting is exactly how you get through the time until you get enough distance to say yeah, that was no good. Glad to have had this impromptu encounter here, I wish you the best :)

[@Channel89988]

I dont know how anymore. I keep trying but get really sad

[@rossirossi5447]

I hear you

[@samuel-no8yp]

How do we know that we are healing while we are single/alone?

[@debrakarr996]

Samuel u get less triggered, u cry less then u use to, u have forgiven people, u r lighter, u feel better, u smile more, u have less anxiety, u have ur thoughts n feelings under control, weights lift off u, all kinds of things were all different hope that gives u something to start with.

[@missbooshealinghomestead]

​@@debrakarr996I agree with you but in my experience I have felt all these things you mentioned and then I feel ready to try a relationship. As soon as I do all the insecurities and old behaviours show up again. For me I believe I still pick the wrong people. I keep getting with emotionally detached people or people with short tempers ect. I think Anna's dating course would be good to try. You write down exactly what you are looking for in a partner and if the person doesn't fit those things then don't get it started with them. I think I will look into her course before I date anyone again. Good luck to everyone!

[@naturalebeing]

@@debrakarr996 thats oversimplified. you can feel that way and in no way does it reflect deeper healing. especially because those of us with CPTSD feel safest when we're alone, we see the ways in which we haven't healed when we enter relationships again.

[@onetuliptree]

A big area of healing is learning to be in healthy relationships, so a big sign is when you are ready for friendships.

[@bg370z9]

For me, it’s learning to express my needs and being willing to be vulnerable with others, even if those others aren’t romantic partners.

[@ameliaweston3042]

🙏🌻💞🌻🤗🤠🙏 In JESUS NAME AMEN, THANK YOU GOD BLESS AMEN A BLESSED PRAYER FOR YOU ALL FOREVER AMEN 🙏🌈🌻🤗

[@malibunyc7259]

I think both of these people have attachment issues and are addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship. They pushed each other's buttons. They brought out the worst in one another. Probably better off without each other but it is more likely that when each moves on to another partner they will encounter similiar issues and maybe even attract another person with attachment issues. It takes two to be in this kind of relationship.

[@Fioravanti.80]

BPD/BPD traits and NPD/Narcissistic traits/ Love addicts/Love Avoidants...SLAA is a great program, but this has to be combined with intense therapy.

[@LeeZa1969]

Can you have trauma from struck parents and moving every couple years as military child. Lost of trauma but at 50 I lost my oldest daughter to an abuser and fentanyl relapse. And after a year in shock I woke up and realized I set the example that caused it from my damage. I’m now 55 lonley but end my failing marriage.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're sending you support! Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@TifaAnnTheEmpressJourney]

I am such a runner 😢 I am really working hard on healing myself so i can hold a healthy relationship

[@noremac0123456789]

I have trouble staying gone, keeping someone blocked. I feel guilty standing up for myself, setting a boundary and rejecting them! What’s this about?!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are in the right place. Hope Anna's content will help you work on all this! Nika@TeamFairy

[@rossirossi5447]

When in love I am always obsessed. Not stalkerish though! I’m 45. My dad was always away. And my mom would nag about him and accuse him of cheating on her. When my dad was home I would always ask for his attention by showing him the toys I had. When me and my sibblings would fight, my mom would go to the door and say she would leave. And we would be begging her not to. I can’t hold a healthy relationship. I want to. How can I heal? In the past I tried to talk about it with the partners and they always ran away. Talked to a psychologist and he didn’t really see a problem there.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Why I don't bother with relationships anymore... Too much for my Traumatic Brain Injury-( TBI ) to handle...

[@willygates]

Have yall heard music album by j-ai, 'a codependents love with a narcissist on the brink of a ai takeover'. Its revalatory

[@mariag5201]

It looks like a bit punishing this video, I am sorry, I remember everyone here they probably have been abused and also abusive in many ways without being disorganised attachment. Disorganised attachment is a very difficult and painful condition as you have the coping mechanisms of an avoidant with the same feelings than an anxious attached person. The hardest attachment to have by far, and probably with all of the reasons for being like that. If you have experienced a bit of love in your childhood even if your parents were alcohólics, your situation is 100 times better.

[@dk3hbsk7dnrr]

Did I hear it wrong? Didnt the guy do sth that resembled her parents, which makes HIM the abuser???? If he was alright and secure, yes she is an abuser, but if he was not… Im not sure if it’s fair to call her abuser. I wonder if she was a control freak with codependency issue?

[@heikegabriel1432]

I understood that both people were acting in unhealthy ways. At first she was constantly breaking up and getting back together, most likely triggered by something he did (which she percieved as a threat or similar; e.g. ignoring). When he started breaking up with her repeatedly, only to get back together later, he was basically repeating her behaviour. So I think both of them were acting toxic or abusive (as a result of trauma but still).

[@heikegabriel1432]

Also with trauma you often only interpret behaviours in certain ways. He may have wanted space in a healthy way while she was reminded of her parents abandoning her and was triggered because of that. (But that's just speculation.)

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

I agree. An actual victim of abuse might deal with covert psychological abuse by trying to get away from the abuser, and coming back again and again, due to the chemicals of the trauma bond that flood the brain. His behavior after the break-up was kind of telling. He's the abusive one. She seems to be sincere and have good intentions. ABUSE is about POWER. She doesn't strive to have power over him. Just "one" thing (like a disorganized attachment style) doesn't make someone an abuser, and Anna should be a little bit careful not to use that label for people who display just "one" behavior that's concerning. It's important to look at the whole dynamic to determine whether someone is abusive or not.

[@dk3hbsk7dnrr]

@@Analysis_Paralysis i agree. Telling your partner repeatedly you wanna break up is exercising some sort of power, but still. Relationship is a two way street, and from what I hear he sounds like the real abuser and she had valid reasons to act like that. Fairy sounds so invalidating of her cptsd symptoms in this episode.

[@brightspear]

​@@dk3hbsk7dnrrI don't know, it may well be right also. Hearing this video, I was seeing my own actions in how I handled my last brief partnership and it was still emotional abuse on my part to try to reclaim the connection after running. There's no degrees or greater or lesser abuse on some kind of scale to make one party more just. There's just mutual hurting, and I hold grief for both parties involved.

[@FaeDruid]

Lots of labels in this one.

[@VeronicaDuignan]

I find many of your observations interesting and some helpful Think your experiences give sone credibility but was a little uncomfortable to hear that you dont actually have any professional background

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

More than 100,000 clinical professionals use my content for self-help and prescribe it to their patients/clients. If you prefer to learn from licensed people, plenty of good ones on KZbin. This channel is for people who want my 30 years experience healing from my own trauma and teaching others. If you're skeptical, do check out my book at bit.ly/44Eo1ma. It may challenge your belief system, but it's been endorsed by several well known and accomplished therapists and psychologists.

[@dk3hbsk7dnrr]

“Experts” are highly overrated

[@pegtheshrek9512]

Life is a great teacher. I trust fairies that "know their woods" and where I feel a deep resonance. Trust what vibrates positive with you, whether other people share your opinion or not. 🧚🏻‍♀️🧚🏻‍♀️🧚🏻‍♀️

[@Nat-oj2uc]

Don't listen to her then

[@TechieSewing]

She also doesn't diagnose people (Fearful Avoidant isn't a diagnosis). And thankfully, we don't need to be professionals to answer people asking us about their life situations, or those friendly talks at kitchens would be awkwardly silent.