Top 10 WORST PITCHFORK REVIEWS! || The Rock Critic

[@TheDukeofCheese12]

"This Radiohead album is as good as a dead baby." WHAT

[@davisfamilykids]

Is there something brent is hiding?

[@DJsocial7102]

That sounds like an insult but it is supposed to be a compliment. How shit can someones writing be to fuck their words up so badly?

[@romankotas448]

Ewww

[@TheJbhmetal]

I love a good dead baby joke.

[@valtin2914]

Well I could say he's talking about the theory of Kid A being the first human clone and the album being the place where he lived in, With the opening "Everything in Its Right Place" him making sense of the world around him, "How to Disappear Completely" Coping with an ultra traumatic experience, "Treefingers" the only moment in his life that he's finaly find piece, Ending with "Motion Picture Soundtrack" as a type of a suicide letter ending with the phrase "I Will See You in My Next Life". But like I Say It's just a fan theory, and the way the reviewer talks about It Is creepy as hell

[@inugamidalton8270]

Pitchfork reviewers all seem to think they’re Oscar Wilde when they’re really Oscar The Grouch.

[@TheHeroOfTomorrow]

That's an insult to Oscar the Grouch.

[@inugamidalton8270]

TheHeroOfTomorrow True, but they both are garbage people. Just, one is so literally, and the other spiritually.

[@sparkleshyguy85]

TheHeroOfTomorrow Came into this thread to literally say that, lol.

[@ianbyrne465]

This is my new favorite insult. I am going to use this as much as possible in my life, thank you for this

[@maxwellschultz4784]

they're full of Oscar Mayer bologna.

[@beatrix-persephone]

"this album is horrifying" and "this isn't even music" can be twisted into compliments on no wave/avant garde

[@realm23x73]

You fix that typo in new wave and it be at the top..

[@beatrix-persephone]

Realm23 X7 no wave is a different genre from new wave

[@rincallinen7312]

Or noise rock. Daughters’ You Won’t Get What You Want is horrifying and I love it.

[@rattailtony2900]

The later stages in Everywhere At the End of Time come to mind for this

[@heckicusdoomicuswizardus1382]

@@rattailtony2900 please for the love of god stop talking about that album jesus christ

[@alexddragame]

The irony of the Lateralus review is that a tool reviews the Tool)

[@grahamkristensen9301]

I read the Kid A review to my brother in law who's a die-hard Radiohead fan, and halfway through he made me stop because it was making him hate Radiohead.

[@cremetangerine82]

It’s amazing that it was a positive review that makes me actively find reasons to hate the album they gave a 10/10.

[@CaH6633]

After seeing this.... pitchfork liking an album would probably just inherently give me a negative impression of said album at this point. It's been made clear that these writers are the types of people who might die of an anuerism if they see kids having fun skating at the park or something

[@theDENIMMAN]

I have this theory that Radiohead was grown in a lab for the purpose of making music critics jizz That article is all the proof I think I need

[@Mixedbag456]

That's impressive in the worst way.

[@gregdeandrea1450]

THIS RADIOHEAD ALBUM IS AS GOOD AS A DEAD BABY! 🤪

[@mr.cornflakes1410]

How to know a record is good: Pitchfork gave it a 6.8 How to know a record is very good: Pitchfork gave it a 2 That's not even a joke, this system hasn't failed me once.

[@jakobsanchez738]

Mink Car by TMBG does indeed fucking rule, so you are correct

[@malone.j293]

They gave Ben Folds Five's "The Unatuhorized Biography of Reinhold Messner" and "The Sound of the Life of the Mind" a 3/10. I think you're onto something

[@thecosmicblueautie]

I still hold to the fact that Jaguar Love's Hologram Jams was unfairly maligned by them.

[@jungkinoid8706]

Slaves of Fear by HEALTH got like 3.4, seems your system's pretty good.

[@trotsky2712]

So Saint Anger is the best Metallica album?

[@washmyhoohah]

'Self-Righteous Snare Drums' is my new band name

[@H0lyMoley]

"Over-the-top bloviating" is mine!

[@Flamestar320]

Unprofessional Finks seems like it'd be an interesting pop punk band name.

[@LounoirRecords]

"snare smashers from lars" is mine :D

[@Penguindude1]

I'll take Thom Yorke's Cuisinarted Voice.

[@kylehegedus5498]

Mine’s gonna be called ‘God’s Green Ballsack!!!!’ 😂😂😂😂😂

[@delabarcel]

That Kid A sounds like some weird ass self-insert fanfic a K-Pop fan would write.

[@AtrocityEquine01]

Just include "-insert dead person's name- only died cause they didn't stan X".

[@davisfamilykids]

Kid A is 1 of the best albums of all time!

[@guillermodebaskerville7117]

No, this one is even creepier

[@DankeDummkopf]

You know, one of the negative stereotypes about critics is that they're failed artists that couldn't make it in the industry. And going through this list with all of the mangled metaphors, overdramatic reactions, and completely clueless hot takes, it genuinely feels like most if not all of these guys are only writing reviews because no one will touch anything else they make.

[@narrow3601]

That is a negative stereotype and one which I hope won't be the painting of every single critic because there are really just guys like me who really just love to go in detail and in depth about a record. However, with all that said, Pitchfork's writers are definitely people who just couldn't hack it.

[@Nega-Tim]

@@narrow3601Being a critic isn't a job. Get one.

[@narrow3601]

@Nega-Tim what the hell does that have to do with anything? Oh and heads up I won't be replying to anything you say since we don't know each other and I've got nothing to prove to you so there's that so that you won't waste your time.

[@FatadayKorngor]

Reading that Bleed American review makes me want to set Ryan Schreiber on fire. "'Hear You Me' is the song you'll cry yourself to sleep to when you get a B+ on your science paper." ...for a song about Mykel and Carli dying in a car crash. Like, WTF????

[@lizardjesus]

Then the Fever You Cant Sweat out review where the reviewer states the lyrics in Camisado are "Vague teen heart ache" Camisado is about then guitarist Brian Rosses fathers alcoholism and him constantly relapsing. BRUH

[@AtrocityEquine01]

I think in The Fragile review, they shat on La Mer, disregarding the context about it being the song Trent composed while he wanted to kill himself. The fuck Pitchcunts.

[@bgl1335]

Lizard Jesus B R I A N R O S S

[@TheJbhmetal]

Hear you me is about the people who gave the band a place to live before they got famous. They died in a car accident and this song is a late thank you to them.

[@lilg3271]

Is this real? If so, it's HEARTLESS!

[@AtrocityEquine01]

The Brent guy was hipster before Hipsters became more infamous. God were those NIN, Mars Volta, and Tool reviews horrible.

[@AtrocityEquine01]

@@sillyandlittle wonder if Brent ever took back his shitty review like how Marc took down his Andrew WK review.

[@morathehollow4797]

Can we all give Brent a meeting with the back alley for those reviews (especially for those NIN and Tool reviews)

[@ConvincingPeople]

@@AtrocityEquine01 He's gone on record saying that most of his early career was spent mercilessly trolling the fanbases of most of the bigger artists he reviewed and that he was often pointlessly unfair and wrote some real stinkers. The one he's gone on record as most regretting is his 0.0 trashing of Sonic Youth's NYC Ghosts & Flowers, which he admits now is a great if imperfect record which he eviscerated to drive rage-clicks. I think it's a significantly worse review than the Lateralus one, in fact, because at least there's a clear joke underlying the Lateralus one-that being that Tool and their fans are super pretentious and the review is written to be similarly pretentious, which is hypocritical but not totally wrong-whereas the Sonic Youth one is just kind of *mean.*

[@honeycomblord9384]

Are we talking about the review Brent did for Deloused, or is it the Frances The Mute review that ended up on the list? Nah but seriously, I have no clue what he was thinking when he gave Deloused In The Comatorium a 4.9

[@seanmclaggin6775]

My face when I read the Zaireeka review: 0.0

[@remyvilleneuve4879]

I think I’ve make the weirdest face of my entire life while seeing the 1.9 besides f$”&ing lateralus.

[@spamsingles5948]

My face when reading the Lateralus review: 1.9

[@nicoyazawa6837]

Wow, Pitchfork is snobby as all hell.

[@KhayJayArt]

Hipsyers

[@de132]

At least they're slightly more self-aware these days and have tried to be less antagonisticly snobby. But they're also less relevant these days and are about to be behind a paywall.

[@guillermodebaskerville7117]

There's a reason that magazine has been the Bible for snobbish hipsters

[@michaelavanessian8558]

19:21 ooh... 1000 words on how a snare drum can be self-righteous? This'll be a tough assignment. **cracks knuckles** But I'll do it anyway. **deep breath** Alright. So the definition of "self-righteous" is essentially being really sure of one's own superiority (or righteousness, if you will), specifically in terms of believing you're right about something or trying to deliver a message; but the term is mainly used in a negative context, meant to disparage a person whose sanctimoniousness isn't exactly warranted, either because of hypocrisy or bad morals or just being really annoying. So for a snare drum, of all things, to be self-righteous, it would have to fit this definition in some way. Now obviously snare drums aren't exactly sentient: they can't talk or communicate, let alone think or present messages, because they are simply objects manufactured by humans designed to make sounds through manipulation by outside forces, not of their own accord. Therefore, these objects don't exactly have the capacity to be self-righteous in and of themselves, because they can't do anything in and of themselves except exist. However, snare drums still reflect the people who manipulate them: people hit these drums to make sounds, and someone also had to manufacture them in the first place, and, most importantly, people can change how they sound, from simple adjustments like turning the snare on and off to more involved ones like tuning to straight-up existential quandaries of tone like choosing which snares or drum heads or, hell, choosing which _drum_ to use. And here lies the key: a snare drum in and of itself cannot act self-righteous, but its place and tone and design, specifically its place in a musical recording, can reflect a sort of self-righteousness in the musicians performing it. Specifically, a snare drum's sound can be presented in such a way that it exhibits an unwarranted confidence in its subpar traits on the part of the people creating the music it is presented in. There is still one hurdle, however: the sound of a snare drum doesn't exactly present a specific message, at least by itself. And the music around a snare drum having some sort of heavy-handed message doesn't necessarily make the snare drums self-righteous too (remember: we're calling the snares self-righteous, not the music as a whole). And snare drums aren't the most expressive instruments out there. However, just as before, they can be used to make a point: the most obvious example I can think of is the song "Machine Gun" by Jimi Hendrix's Band of Gypsies, from their self-titled live album, which uses snare drum hits to mimic the sound of, well, a machine gun. So! For a snare drum to be self-righteous, I posit that it would have to follow two criteria. First, it would have to give off the impression that the people who made the recording in question _really_ liked some aspect of that snare -- whether it was the tone or the rhythm it was playing or something else about its place in the recording -- and _really_ wanted you to know it: the main way I can think of someone doing this would be to place it very far in front of the mix, but there are probably other methods as well. More specifically, those snare drum-related decisions should be in service to some sort of theme or message: heavy-handedness in that regard would certainly bolster the case for a drum to have that label, but isn't necessarily required. Second off, that idea would have to be entirely undeserving of that reverence: perhaps that snare drum sound they loved was actually pretty terrible, or the way it was played was off, or maybe it was perfectly fine aside from the fact that it was placed _way_ too far in the front of the mix. Either way, a snare drum (in my opinion) has to be both heavily prominent or important or generally loved in some way while simultaneously being mediocre, underwhelming, or just downright bad. There is one example that most easily comes to mind when I think of snares that fit this criteria, and that's the infamous snare drum in Metallica's similarly infamous nadir, _St. Anger._ They fit both of my criteria pretty well! One the one hand, they represent a clear, deeply-held idea on the part of Lars Ulrich and company: a detuned drum with its snares off featured rather prominently in each and every track, placed in such a way that the listener can't really miss it. On the other hand, that snare drum sounds terrible! It's not even that the snares are off: lots of bands make perfectly fine music with their snares turned off (Sacred Paws is one example: their drummer turns the snares off their snare drum and it sounds fine!). It's not even that it's pretty far up the mix. The problem is that the tone is _trash:_ not only is it devoid of the snap snare drums are known for, but the sound is _extremely_ ringy in a manner that's just as prominent as the drum itself, exhibiting the sort of resonant yet discordant tones you only hear on a snare drum that just isn't tuned properly. It is as Todd in the Shadows said, a bad idea the band held onto like a life raft. Of course, one may rebut this example with the fact that there isn't really an obvious message the snares exist for. And to a point, they are correct: not much in the specific lyrical themes of that album (dealing with personal demons like anger issues and substance abuse) seems to be reflected in these un-tuned snare drums. But those drums do exhibit an attempt at edginess and rawness that, theoretically at least, does fit the (rather heavy-handed and clumsy) themes of this album, themes as important to lyricist James Hetfield's vision as the snare drums' sound was to Ulrich's. Unfortunately, the presentation of those themes felt more like unappealing, off-putting and interminable garbage than the raw, interesting songwriting they were going for. One may rebut, after reading this long spiel, that a self-righteous snare drum doesn't seem much different from a pretentious one: after all, both are defined by treating a set of chosen traits for a snare drum with much more grandiosity than is deserved. I would respond (oh god I'm seriously explaining the differences between pretentious and self-righteous snare drums) by stating that self-righteousness has the added quality of some moral or political judgement, as opposed to just being some theme you don't get. It's the sense of superiority in the music around a snare drum that really sets it apart. _St. Anger_ doesn't necessarily represent this last quality, but then again, does the distinction I talked about in this paragraph even need to be there in the first place? Pretentiousness is pretty self-righteous in and of itself. **exhales** Not sure what any of that has to do with Minor Threat or Rise Against, of all bands, but here you go!

[@daishoryujin95]

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[@jacobbelyea7945]

This is a KZbin comment dude like 4 people are gonna see it you could’ve spent the time outside instead of writing this

[@michaelavanessian8558]

@@jacobbelyea7945 Listen dude someone had to write one thousand words on how a snare drum can sound self-righteous

[@cinematicsterling6897]

To the guy who gave lateralus a 1.9, see you down in Arizona bay .

[@geoffmoore1828]

He should really learn to swim.

[@flashhonkey9431]

Graaaaa Fibonacci sequence graaaa lol 🤣🤣

[@davisfamilykids]

Schism is fucking great

[@thatonebritishidiot3037]

@@tylerhackner9731 Ben Shapiro is the Ben Shapiro of music journalism

[@TheSectric]

@@flashhonkey9431 what?

[@zeilian]

As much as I hate Pitchfork for some of its reviews, I'm happy it exists honestly.

[@CipherSerpico]

xeilian I feel the exact same.

[@synthstatic9889]

It used to be my go to time wasting site.

[@narrow3601]

Yeah, roasting it's reviews gives me a fun time creating my own reviews on the album which is actually quite fun.

[@bubblesthemonkey6615]

The Lateralus review is an absolute mindfuck, it’s almost unreadable.

[@killer92173]

I can never read that review. I feel like I'll lose brain cells if I try and read that "article."

[@adammarsh956]

Agreed

[@jeffjohnson419]

It’s not even a review of the album. More a review of the fanbase.

[@Hola-tq4pg]

Jesus christ, i was looking through Stone Temple Pilots discography and i saw that pitchfork give Tiny Music their 3rd studio album... 0.8, i repeat *0.8* crash, seriously we need a part 2 out of this video

[@kickdropped6687]

Oh dear jesus christ lord. Tiny Music is one of the most inventive albums ever made by a mainstream 90's band and not to mention STP's best album.

[@JoenNickforthewin]

Imagine listening to “State of the Union” and thinking “Yeah Rise Against sold out and are corporate slaves now.” Lmao

[@Malkmusianful]

I don't think Rise Against is profound or deep - they're the equivalent of "Ballot or the Bullet" by Van Halen but if Gary Cherone were a bit more knowledgeable of political economy - but Pitchfork was a bit harsh on them.

[@JoenNickforthewin]

Hal Emmerich I literally said nothing about their political ideology? I was more or less referring to the intensity and aggression of Siren Song compared to their first two albums.

[@TheRadPlayer]

Fairly certain it's just Pitchfork annoyed they left Fat Wreck Chords and signed to Geffen.

[@AmySay]

Crash Tompson says LESBIAN RIGHTS

[@Ronnie.Raymond]

What a stud

[@cybercrasherstv]

Gays gotta support gays

[@firstnamelastname7244]

based

[@gabiocampos]

The kid A review was straight up a fanfiction

[@marcen12]

Dont insult fanfictions like that. Even fanfictions can be taken seriously.

[@DuffyLONER64]

I nearly died of laughter at the Radiohead Kid A review.

[@cremetangerine82]

Dear God, the trivialization of those who have gone through such a traumatic experience is appalling.

[@charliep7112]

It has the same energy as "I was thinking about why so many in the radical left participate in "speedrunning" The reason is the left's lack of work ethic ('go fast' rather than 'do it right') and, in a Petersonian sense, to elevate alternative sexual archetypes in the marketplace ('fastest mario') Obviously, there are exceptions to this and some people more in the center or right also "speedrun". However, they more than sufficient to prove the rule, rather than contrast it. Consider how woke GDQ has been, almost since the very beginning. Your eyes will start to open. Returning to the topic of the work ethic... A "speedrunner" may well spend hours a day at their craft, but this is ultimately a meaningless exercise, since they will ultimately accomplish exactly that which is done in less collective time by a casual player. This is thus a waste of effort on the behalf of the "speedrunner". Put more simply, they are spending their work effort on something that someone else has already done (and done in a way deemed 'correct' by the creator of the artwork). Why do they do this? The answer is quite obvious if you think about it. The goal is the illusion of speed and the desire (SUBCONSCIOUS) to promote radical leftist, borderline Communist ideals of how easy work is. Everyone always says that "speedruns" look easy. That is part of the aesthetic. Think about the phrase "fully automated luxury Communism" in the context of "speedrunning" and I strongly suspect that things will start to 'click' in your mind. What happens to the individual in this? Individual accomplishment in "speedrunning" is simply waiting for another person to steal your techniques in order to defeat you. Where is something like "intellectual property" or "patent" in this necessarily communitarian process? Now, as to the sexual archetype model and 'speedrunning' generally... If you have any passing familiarity with Jordan Peterson's broader oeuvre and of Jungian psychology, you likely already know where I am going with this. However, I will say more for the uninitiated. Keep this passage from Maps of Meaning (91) in mind: "The Archetypal Son... continually reconstructs defined territory, as a consequence of the 'assimilation' of the unknown [as a consequence of 'incestuous' (that is, 'sexual' - read creative) union with the Great Mother]" In other words, there is a connection between 'sexuality' and creativity that we see throughout time (as Peterson points out with Tiamat and other examples). In the sexual marketplace, which archetypes are simultaneously deemed the most creative and valued the highest? The answer is obviously entrepreneurs like Elon Musk and others. Given that we evolved and each thing we do must have an evolutionary purpose (OR CAUSE), what archetype is the 'speedrunner' engaged in, who is accomplishing nothing new? They are aiming to make a new sexual archetype, based upon 'speed' rather than 'doing things right' and refuse ownership of what few innovations they can provide to their own scene, denying creativity within their very own sexual archetype. This is necessarily leftist. The obvious protest to this would be the 'glitchless 100% run', which in many ways does aim to play the game 'as intended' but seems to simply add the element of 'speed' to the equation. This objection is ultimately meaningless when one considers how long a game is intended to be played, in net, by the creators, even when under '100%' conditions. There is still time and effort wasted for no reason other than the ones I proposed above. By now, I am sure that I have bothered a number of you and rustled quite a few of your feathers. I am not saying that 'speedrunning' is bad, but rather that, thinking about the topic philosophically, there are dangerous elements within it."

[@grahamkristensen9301]

Seriously, it felt like he was seconds away from ripping off his pants and fucking the CD.

[@copperdragon9214]

This guy doesn’t know flavor even if you smacked him with colonel’s 11 herbs and spices. And viralrak has made the best clapback of 2019.

[@copperdragon9214]

also what song was playing during the NiN part? that sounded dope

[@XLRider2]

@@copperdragon9214 We're In This Together, albeit in instrumental form ;)

[@FracturedEclipse]

I remember reading the St. Anger review (another Brent DiCrescenzo classic) recently, which was quite scathing toward the album. But you had to go through 75% of the article through a story about CD manufacturers in Israel in a (post-apocalyptic?) world apparently ruled by Metallica in opposition to Napster or whatever to actually get to the review. The article ends with the CD makers leaking the album onto the internet.

[@zyxaqc]

DiCrescenzo's most valuable skill is vomiting out enough words to meet any minimum word count.

[@ironnoah9461]

​@@zyxaqc He's so much of a hack that not even IGN would take him

[@descendng]

3 words: Deftones. Self. Titled. That album deserved more than a 4.7...

[@peazeralus]

Fucking God... I'm glad I never saw that one.

[@morathehollow4797]

Even though that's my least favorite Deftones album, that shit still deserves at LEAST a 7 out of 10

[@jacobbelyea7945]

owlfram That review is complete nonsense too. Like it’s told through 4 different fake emails...? That each had a different opinion on the album??? I have no idea what they were going for.

[@Anonymous_Identity246]

God bless us all… (Ha ha get it?, I’m terrible at this sorry)

[@thatonedude9744]

The Greta Van Fleet review is one of their best it’s fucking hilarious

[@thatonedude9744]

I remember the review of A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out being terrrrriible

[@KhayJayArt]

The person who wrote it was petty and REALLY had it out for them

[@MarkQuick0411]

There so bad that even pitchfork wouldn’t fuck wit em That says something

[@DJ-vg1pr]

It was a garbage album

[@calebfrederick6569]

Yeah I agree that album is fucking awful lmao

[@ch3rri]

2019: dummy thicc 2020: thiccy dumdum

[@bjaanderson]

The "self-righteous" snare drum triggered me.

[@kohlerwilcox9011]

19:03.....hmm. Webster dictionary defines self righteous as “defined as having a characteristic or certainty, particularly an unfounded one, that is correct or morally superior.” Looking at the surface level, it would seem as though snare drums cannot be self righteous. The common layman would say “snare drums are not self aware. They can’t be self righteous.” And if we are taking this in a literal sense I suppose that is correct. However if we look at this from a more mature and philosophical point of view, we can see how this writer got to the conclusion that the snare drum was self righteous. Snare drums could be considered an arrogant member of the drum setup. It is one of the most commonly used elements of the kit, arguably the most overused. Who’s to say that a snare drum is any more important than a tom or a cymbal? Who’s the judge who decided that the snare drum is one of the most essential elements of the kit? Now while arrogance is not self righteousness, it is a gate way into it. Especially when taken into account that Rise Against (as is typical in most punk) uses many a snare fill within their songs. Why not use some tom fills or a double bass section? Using all these snare fills obviously fed the already established ego of this overused drum. With its ego fed, the snare drum would then have an unfounded certainty that it is morally superior to other members of the kit, which would make it self righteous. In conclusion, a snare drum is not in itself self righteous, but the overuse of it is. I really hope everyone who reads this knows I’m joking.

[@Normaschthewanderer]

Makes more sense than the writer for pitchfork.

[@VeronikaVexed]

Yo crash, lookin good my man. The workouts are payin off homeboy.

[@CrashThompson]

Thanks! I'm glad it's actually starting to gte noticeable. :3

[@carltontheduke2571]

@@CrashThompson Hold on, you've been working out?

[@ajainc.4857]

Crash Thompson what’s your workout method

[@DJBarbaricErik]

I love the Onion article about the pitchfork reviewer rating music as a whole as 6.8

[@RanterInShades]

That Audioslave review is just straight up offensive.

[@kylehegedus5498]

RanterInShades R.I.P. Chris Cornell 😢

[@MrT571]

I'm enraged.

[@usernameof5]

Pitchfork isn't really like this anymore, they rarely go below 6, but yeah they suck and good thing that fantano replaced them

[@C19J99]

Well Brent DiCrescenzo basically fucked off around '05 so yeah I imagine they'd be better

[@Hola-tq4pg]

They gave Greta Van Fleet a 1.6 and the review isn't even good, they were just triggered that white kids enjoy 70s rock music And i know GVF aren't good, but a 1.6 and that whole explanation of >muh white kids >muh boomer rock >muh rock music in 2018 Seems insultingly unprofessional, even Decrezenso would have said something better (or at least something funnier)

[@Falxifer95]

Not much of an upgrade beyond the memes.

[@thebowiththemost119]

@@Hola-tq4pg yeah, Greta is bad, but now 1.6 bad.

[@firstnamelastname7244]

Anthony's had some controversial takes and missed the mark a few times, but he's never been as bad as pitchfork has been...

[@deadlift1677]

Albums that Pitchfork rated lower than Taylor Swift's Red (9.0): Songs For The Deaf by Queens Of The Stone Age: 7.9 Demon Days by Gorillaz: 6.9 Iron Maiden by Iron Maiden: 7.0 Relationship Of Command by At The Drive-In: 6.8 / 8.3 Elephant by The White Stripes: 6.9 Congratulations ny MGMT: 6.8 Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips: 8.4 Forever Changes by Love: 8.6 The Money Store by Death Grips: 8.7 Twin Fantasy by Car Seat Headrest: 8.6 Filth by Swans: 8.1 A Promise by Xiu Xiu: 8.6 Spirit They're Gone, Spirit They've Vanished by Avery Tare and Panda Bear: 8.9 De-Loused In The Comatorium by The Mars Volta: 4.9 Lateralus by Tool: 1.9

[@miticaBEP07]

Dead Lift As someone who can’t stand Taylor Swift, I must admit that Red isn’t that bad once you take out We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together and 22. With that said, it’s not a 9.0. Not even Lover is a 9.0, and that is the best, at least for me, she ever made. I’d have been pissed has it been 1989, Speak Now or Reputation, tho.

[@bacht4799]

Lady R Of Rage I not a fan of her either I truly hate Never Be Together.. it’s just one of the worst songs ever.. it’s feels like a awful rom-com movie in music flesh and bones..

[@DJsocial7102]

I thought pitchfork was a indie music review website. How is taylor swift not under them in their mind.

[@emilioaladwhosintheinterne8421]

You forgot Discovery by Daft Punk Everything Will Be Alright In the End, Maladroit, The white album by Weezer. Etc. Other messed up thing is that most of the Beatles albums reviews on pitchfork are 10 or an almost 10 so they are kinda of sellouts.

[@sbells272]

Red is a good album though

[@TitaniaBird]

If DiCrescenzo hated long albums in the early-00s, thank the universe he wasn't writing music reviews when 70s prog was around...

[@Normaschthewanderer]

I never understood the hate for Prog. It's one of my favorite genres.

[@TitaniaBird]

@@Normaschthewanderer I wasn't hating on prog. I was saying that *DiCrescenzo* would hate prog. One of my favorite bands is Rush.

[@Normaschthewanderer]

@@TitaniaBird yeah I know. I was talking about music critics in general.

[@kirb_erus]

@@Normaschthewanderer Robert Christgau's prog reviews are horrendous

[@Normaschthewanderer]

@@kirb_erus I mean same, but at least he has a better understanding of music than Finn Mckinty.

[@Jaspertine]

But Crash, don't you "get" it? Reading a long winded and meandering review is totally a comparable experience to listening to a long winded and meandering album. I mean sure.... *maybe* we just happen to be talking about one of the best prog rock albums of the 2000s, but come on. The record is 79 minutes! That's almost the length of a feature film! And not only that, but you actually have to pay attention the whole time if you want to keep up? I mean, surely the fans don't really enjoy it. It's all just a show to make them look more intellectual than they actually are. I will never be able to understand or relate to such behaviour. The world must be subjected to a deliberately miserable experience, so that they can understand the existential pain of listening to a bona fide classic prog rock album for an hour and change. I guess I'm just too sophisticated for such lowbrow drivel.... here's a video of a chimp drinking his own urine.

[@KhayJayArt]

You forgot to add the link to the chimp video.

[@rubywest5166]

"Prog Rock" "No Melodies" The writer was aware that it isn't just atonal noodling, right? Like, what did he think it was, nothing but Moonchild rip offs?

[@ConvincingPeople]

Even atonal noodling can be melodious. That's Henry Cow's entire career and Henry Cow were great. :P (Also the opening section of "Moonchild" is basically a lullaby so even that would be inaccurate.)

[@timothymarks1041]

Sweet mother of Christ, that Tool review... For a review whose overall thrust seemed to be 'The album is too long and complicated', he put it in the most obtuse, overwrought, pretentious, long and complicated way possible. HOW COULD ANYONE THINK PUBLISHING THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?! On a side note, Lateralus is awesome, I am sad I didn't discover it earlier in life, and if you haven't heard it go and buy it.

[@Rebazar]

Pitchfork has a rich history of being wrong on a professional level. You could even say it's their reason to exist

[@pearlprl]

i think the worst p4k review i've seen was their John Coltrane Live At The Village Vanguard review where Ryan Schreiber wrote the whole thing in appropriated black slang

[@maxwellschultz4784]

How long ago was this? Are the Twitter crazies aware of this? They will devour him, won't let up till he's in a fucking ditch. Let them take care of this asshole.

[@Hola-tq4pg]

@Toxic Potato it is, but in cases where the person genuinely needs to be lynched, they are actually helpful Sadly they prefer to cry over things like Taylor Lautner being 17 while dating Taylor Swift who was 19 back 10 years ago

[@ConvincingPeople]

Ryan Schreiber is just a nasty piece of work in general.

[@nicke.424]

The guy who gave lateralus a 1.9 needs to be punched

[@barrymicockiner5773]

....in the nuts

[@soulexchangemusic]

a recent bad pitchfork review would be NF "The Search" they gave it a low score(somewhere between 2-4) solely because the album was "too dark for him" and this is an actual line from the review "how am I supposed to review something that often reads like a suicide note"

[@miticaBEP07]

...empathetically?

[@mayatrash]

NF is bad because it's basically an Eminem rip off from his worst time

[@thebowiththemost119]

@@mayatrash have you… actually listen to the guy? His songs about his own life, his mom, and his dad? Or the songs of the people around him? I’ll admit that it’s not as good as Eminem’s best, but it has its merits.

[@thebowiththemost119]

Wtf is wrong with that reviewer? Was he surrounded by rain does and fucking sunshine all his fucking life?!?!

[@adamoneal6476]

I had a mini mental breakdown when he read that stillborn baby part. I just sat there saying, "What the fuck?" over and over again.

[@buzzardsinuses4780]

I love the fact that you drew a cute face on your bat.

[@andrealoko_]

pitchfork is music snobbery for boomers. so far out of the loop now that they can’t even do indie right. i see them being bought out in the next 5 years

[@jackthorton10]

3 years away, how we looking so far?

[@angry_wizard]

Hahah, you were completely right.

[@andrealoko_]

@@jackthorton10 heh

[@jackthorton10]

@@andrealoko_ So I take it, that happened earlier than predicted?

[@brooklynhatch9705]

"In this house we respect our sweetie lesbian senpais" preach

[@goosemagicflute]

I verbally let out a "NO" as soon as I heard Parabola start playing. That dude was on all the drugs while making that review

[@whym6438]

If Pitchfork covered video games, they'd be the idiots trashing Pokemon games for having turn-based combat.

[@KhayJayArt]

Wait people complain about turn based strategy in Pokemon games? Gamers are dumb

[@punker-gamer-trucker-guy]

A self righteous snare drum = St. Anger

[@SonofSethoitae]

It's a common misconception; St. Anger actually features no snares, instead featuring Lars Ulrich playing a ceramic dinner plate covered in duct tape

[@thebowiththemost119]

@@SonofSethoitae lol

[@LilaREmber]

That nail bat is my new favorite character

[@SpeedPants]

agreed

[@ethanmueller8218]

Same here

[@hh950]

I got: Kids See Ghosts 7.6 Like Clockwork 7.3 Lateralus 1.9 Joy As An Act of Resistance 6.8 Discovery 6.4 The Fragile 2.0

[@alexddragame]

No reviews 4 years or younger. It's not a spoiler, Crash said it on twitter like month ago

[@dutchah91]

>Joy As An Act of Resistance 6.8 u fokn wot m8?

[@michaelmtv]

@@trevorcorcoran5007 I don't usually have top favorites but those to albums are in my hypothetical top ten and those scores burn with hate

[@Accorinrin]

The ksg score is fair

[@fowlae4414]

wienerlord From a “credible” website, not really. I’d expect at least an 8.0.

[@mattshaw5179]

To be fair something to write home about is a terrible pop album... Fantastic emo album though, one of the best!!!!

[@HardLiquor45]

Matthew SHAW aren’t they considered power pop as well???

[@thema1998]

I feel stupid for not knowing about Pitchfork's bad reputation until now. These reviews that you and the guests roasted were awful! I can't believe that those idiots are going to start charging us money for their pretentiousness. 🤦‍♂️

[@thebowiththemost119]

I’m not much of a rock guy, but I’m a rap guy. That Childish Gambino review was fucking horrible. Gambino deserved better than that shit!

[@ConvincingPeople]

@@thebowiththemost119 The fact that they consistently assign a guy with a weird chip on his shoulder about Daveed Diggs for being in Hamilton (and, I suspect, for being mixed-race) to review clipping. records is similarly embarrassing.

[@CodexEntry]

That Tegan and Sara bit got me to drop kick the subscribe button Also, we let Jet become a thing because not enough people had heard Iggy Pop's Lust for Life to realize they were hacks upon their break out single.

[@MrStGeorgeIllawarra]

But Iggy did the exactly same thing Jet did and ripped off Motown. Like many other artists.

[@davidyurch4446]

Any thoughts on them giving Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness a 6.8?

[@allthingsdrew4710]

David Yurch That is one of the worst ones! 🤦🏻‍♂️

[@tylerhackner9731]

Awful!

[@jables1able]

That one really really hurts my soul!

[@kickdropped6687]

Wait a minute that's illegal

[@deanyy3373]

David Yurch I always thought that was an okay score. But also I personally prefer Siamese Dream.

[@lorddoritus6373]

I'm gonna start a band called "Foul Mouthed Sheminism."

[@thetonytaye]

Am I the only one thinking of James of Team Rocket every time Crash speaks from the critic’s point of view?

[@adamdevree6482]

I heard Pegasus from YuGiOh myself

[@jamesmac7071]

Now you may be asking yourself, "Hey James Mac did you click on this video hoping to see Picthfork's hilariously awful takes on The Mars Volta represented?". Why yes, random viewer, yes I did.

[@aperson4287]

That Kid A review sounds like a YA novel where the main lead falls in love with every member of Radiohead.

[@mitsukinase8123]

With reviews like these, it's enough for angry mobs to brandish their own pitchforks.

[@gabefranco6572]

Crash: I’m desperately trying to get away from making long videos Also Crash: * uploads list video with 20 honorable mentions *

[@lostCoyoteofMA]

I have one rule for number ratings: The only time it's ok to give an album a 0 is if you go to listen to it, and it disappears immediately before hitting play.

[@TheDealer1228]

Eh. I think it's fair if you literally didn't like a single song on the record, but you really have to back it up, otherwise you just look like a shithead.

[@SenseiJosh]

I’ve never experienced the “buying a trivium in a record store and getting a weird look by the hipster dude working there” but I know actually what kind of guy you were talking about with that analogy lol

[@grahamkristensen9301]

I just imagine Jack Black's character from High Fidelity.

[@carlycarmine3858]

I've gotten some weird looks for buying music as commonplace and popular and mainstream as Breaking Benjamin at my local Bull Moose, so judgemental asshats work at places like this more than you'd think they would

[@Inspiration_Date]

I'd never heard of Pitchfork before I saw this video. I laughed my ass off so hard when hearing this nonsense. The paywall is a good idea. Then no one would have to read it.

[@thatonedude9744]

Their review of Year of the Snitch by Death Grips is really annoying too, they castigate them for not being “political enough” despite the fact that Death Grips has pretty much never been political

[@firesofthemind]

Right after that point they call that" kinda quaint maybe even comforting" and then goes on to say "Fun as hell.". I don't really see castigation in that. That and given "Klink" "Black quarterback" and "Say hey kid" exists along with the title tracks for Powers and government plates you ca't quite say say politics haven't been in play. The complaint was also just about clarity rather than lack. The review closing lines pretty much states it doesn't have to be "Politics" per se but any target or move being played here. Granted i still disagree with it. Somethings definitely flew over the critics head but just because he talks about politics in his criticism doesn't mean he meant it harshly.

[@sirtoby2070]

Brent DiCrescenzo actually did reference Emo in his review of The Get Up Kids’ Red Letter Day EP a few months before Something to Write Home About. He didn’t have anything nice to say about it though! In fact, judging from the other Get Up Kids reviews on Pitchfork, it seems like he AND Schreiber were trying their best to bat down the whole Emo/Pop-Punk scene before it really took off (see also: Pitchfork’s reviews of Jimmy Eat World’s albums).

[@Mixedbag456]

Good god, as someone who's been listening to a lot of Jimmy right now, going through Pitchfork's reviews on them just makes my eyes roll. The salt from Schreiber on the Bleed American review, Jesus...

[@Dumb_Killjoy]

Considering how much Pitchfork hated emo, I'm shocked they rated Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge as well as they did.

[@cjfast11]

The Childish Gambino review was written by Ian Cohen, the main Midwestern-Emo guy on Pitchfork, who actually defends the genre pretty well and tries to get BNM for a lot of albums.... That being said why was the midwestern-emo guy assigned the CAMP mixtape...

[@hellonurd8957]

"Avengers Endgame is one the most ambitious crossovers." Crash- "Hold my drink D.va"

[@dandiam5298]

Oh my god that Andrew W.K. review. "THIS ISN'T ART POP, THIS ISN'T EXPERIMENTAL INDIE WITH OBSCURE NATIVE-AFRICAN INSTRUMENTS, WHAT HAS THE MUSIC SCENE EVEN COME TO??? I CAN'T STAND TO LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT TRUE MUSIC, SO LIKE MY FAVORITE ALBUM OF ALL TIME RUSH 2112 I SHALL KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER LIVE WITH WHAT I DESIRE MOST AAAAAAAAA"

[@tiago9679]

i swear the start of that kid a review sounds like fanfiction

[@Hemo-Dyn]

That part of pitchfork being thin skinned really made me wonder what their review of Veteran by Jpegmafia is since he has lyric that reads, “pitchfork told me not to be abusive ‘less I’m moving units.”

[@EngineerLume]

They ranked it 171st of the best 200 albums of the 2010's so I think Pitchfork agree with that statement

[@mioakiyama5184]

When I read the Pitchfork reviews of Rise Against, The Mars Volta, Nine Inch Nails, and Tool, I strongly disagreed with those reviews.

[@kylehegedus5498]

Mio Akiyama Same!!!! Also, Audioslave.

[@EvanSchatz]

Your playlists are rad

[@TT-RR]

thankfully, DiCrescenzo has no career in music nowadays. he now works for a television network I've never heard of called MeTV (Memorable Entertainment Television)

[@brendahowerton5218]

Tim R Hey that's where i watch Svengoolie.

[@thattypicalslimy8548]

Oh shit my mom watches that lol.

[@xamp_exclammark]

Fucking hilarious how memorabletv is anything but

[@kiethveseyofficial]

I watched hogans heroes on there

[@isaacgillam-lindo8110]

This video was very entertaining and now it's 4 am and I don't know when that happened.

[@jooree7696]

The fact that Liz Phair's self-titled has a lower rating than Funstyle will never fail to amuse me

[@cryo311]

you mean the album with “wuh oh, you’re bein’ a peñus. colada that is”

[@202guitars]

That was one of the best videos you have ever done, so entertaining, funny and well paced it didn’t even feel like an hour! You should be so proud of this one man

[@AdequateEmily]

Crash…as a fan, I gotta say…I had never even seen a shooting star before. 20 years of rotations, passes through comets’ paths, and travel, and to my memory I had never witnessed burning debris scratch across the night sky. Crash was in front of his album backdrop, passionately joking as if he was trying to coax a laugh out of a big nose. D.va sat in the corner, patiently waiting for her cameo. White noise of the background flickered over the adobe audition track. The metal tripod that holds the DSLR sat beautifully in Crash’s living room. And I stared entranced, soaking in Crash Thompson's new material, chiseling each sound into the best functioning parts of my brain which would be the only sound system for the material for months. Anyway great video can’t wait for the next.

[@Ben-ts8mz]

Looked up what Brent's doing now. Last review was in 2004 of Beastie Boys' To the 5 Boroughs. He now manages a tv show that re-airs old shows from the 70's lol.

[@phisheswonder]

Their 3.7 review of Oasis' The Masterplan is atrocious.

[@tsubaki9578]

The Fragile review is so bad it hurts. Take it away from me please 😢😭

[@tsubaki9578]

@@synperson8785 it's a shitstain amongst shitstains, but I consider it to be their worst offense

[@sylfan1]

I find it hard to believe someone sat and listened to Andrew WK's 'I Get Wet' and turned their nose up at it, rather than the mandatory reaction of destroying absolutely everything within one's vicinity.

[@Jaspertine]

Also, a alittle protip for Zaireeka: If 4 CD players is too much to ask, just pick a combination of 2 disks and go with that. Most fans treat the album as customizable rather than requiring all 4 disks to be "properly" listened to. I'm told that disks 1 and 3 together will give you a mostly cohesive listening experience.

[@Jrez]

You look like a guy I know named Chris. Also, "Thom Yorke's Cuisinarted voice strugges for its tongue." needs to be on a t-shirt or something.

[@morganfoster3477]

Oh no the girly girl said the f##k word is what I would name my all girl punk EP.

[@tritriren]

The fact that Pitchfork changed their rating with the reedition/deluxe versions of these albums is very interesting. Sometimes music doesn't reveal itself instantly. Refused got torn up by the press and the public but The Shape Of Punk To Come is now considered to be one of the greatest punk hardcore albums of all time. Same for Weezer and Pinkerton. Isn't it a bit meta when music reviewers are reviewing music reviews though ? I'm starting get lost in my own head.

[@alexddragame]

I'm a bit suprised what you didn't mentioned how in Lateralus review, mr.pretentious wrote wrong lyrics. It's supposed to be "Saturn ascends, choose one or ten", not "Saturn ascends, not one but ten".

[@DJsocial7102]

Its not out yet.... are you a time traveler

[@alexddragame]

@@DJsocial7102 It was released for patreon supporters yesterday)

[@DJsocial7102]

@@alexddragame ok that makes a lot more sense now.

[@ronstoppable5659]

Let's not forget that they gave Cardi B an 8.7

[@gracecarpinter8623]

That's because Cardi B rules and a lot of people gave Invasion of Privacy good scores.

[@matthewroberts3125]

More reason why I don't take Pitchfork seriously

[@ronstoppable5659]

@Grace Carpenter Spectrum Pulse and Fantano both gave it a 6/10, ARTV hated it and its user ratings on Metacritic are mixed, the only people I saw praising it were music journalist hacks who are afraid of being labeled as "sexist" just for giving it a mixed or negative review

[@JrJrJrJrphD]

Katie Thompson I actually have no problem forgetting that

[@ronstoppable5659]

@Matthews Roberts Considering how politically biased most journalists are, Cardi B could've made Angelic 2 The Core part 2 and she still would've gotten a good score

[@josephancion2190]

Dissing Tool ? Who are you to wave your finger, you must have been out of your head !

[@Sr_Alga]

I love the Andrew W.K. new review when Cohen actually says "that review was bad" with beauty words jajaja

[@mathbookhero]

I nearly had a fucking asthma attack from laughing at the sweetie lesbian sempai part. I appriciate the bat raise either way

[@miticaBEP07]

It's so cathartic that, after having well explained what an album should ACTUALLY do to get a zero, Crash would end up giving his very first zero. And yeah... Liz Phair, I Get Wet and even Shine On look like masterpieces compared to *THAT*.

[@gamermoviedude5533]

Can we send this to Pitchfork? I'm just curious as to what THAT review would say

[@PETEYBOY954]

People who base their opinions off of pitchfork reviews definitely will cheat on you and make you feel like you’re the bad guy.

[@nopants4047]

I think the guy who reviewed Lateralus was bullied by a prog fan in school.

[@jeremylittle1581]

Why was this channel JUST recommended to me yesterday? It’s GLORIOUS.

[@tonymarshall3978]

Pitchfork feel like the worst example of those "Sell Out!!" screamers from the 90's. The second a band or artist try anything different or get a better deal and make a good financial decision its the worst thing possible and that alone merits them taking off 5 points. Its fucking sad. Also weird note type in a few band names and its really weird what they have and havn't covered. Fantano is one man and has covered more artists then a team of writers

[@morningbell3690]

Pitchfork is like Gaming in the Clinton Years for music.

[@wired14]

Here is a little experiment - pick an album that you like that was reviewed by Pitchfork. Pick your favourite song and your least favourite song. Then read the review. According to Pitchfork, your favourite song will be the worst song on the album and your least favourite song will be the best. Works every time.

[@konstantinosernestoeconomo3265]

Came for Lateralus, wasn't disapointed

[@floorjazzrecordings6647]

Though I don't agree with the actual score, I do think the Tool review is funny

[@pluckyduck11y]

I agree. It is a fairly witty mockery of pretentious neophytes. The score was simply unwarranted. It's not Tool's best album (which is Aenima), but it's just attention seeking on the part of any critic to trash it. The easiest way to determine how dishonest or aloof a critic is would be to just ask the opinion of those artists who said critic holds in highest regard, e.g. Radiohead. Ask Thom Yorke or Johnny Greenwood or Jack White what they thought about Tool's album.