The Signs and Stages of a Coercive Relationship

[@fionascott9230-r5f]

This is my daughter in law of 15years. She picked off, one by one, every person around my son. He was a shell of a man when he finally broke free of her. Fortunately she underestimated the "staying power" of his family and we were there to help him rebuild his life. She never wanted children but when he first showed signs of ending the marriage she had our grandson. My son is utterly devoted to the little one and remained in the marriage. Her abuse of him was not even hidden after the baby was born. He was a nervous wreck around her. He barely spoke whenever in our company. It was pitiful to watch. He has been away from her for two years but unfortunately will still have to have dealings with her because of the child. He is happy, successful in his career and unrecognisable from the man she controlled. For all the family of victims. You may think your loved one is lost to you. Hang in there. Be there for your son/daughter/sibling when they finally/ hopefully break free from these toxic people.

[@kaystephens2672]

Going through this now. Her mother was abusive and the love bomb was sprinkled with pitying behavior. It is a nasty force to be reckoned with. Hard to shake them loose.

[@thekingdomjester]

I'm going through it now with my brother. 😢😢😢

[@fionascott9230-r5f]

​@@thekingdomjester I'm so sorry to hear this Richard. It's a dreadful situation for you and your brother. Hang in there, don't let this person alienate your brother from his family/support network. Irrespective of what she/he tries to do please try your best to keep it together and don't fall out with your brother. If nothing else, this will drive her crazy! Your brother will know deep inside that there is an escape route available if/when he decides the time has come to break with this toxic situation. Good luck Richard, I hope things improve for all of you very soon.

[@thekingdomjester]

@@fionascott9230-r5f thank you for the beautiful reply. I'm in tears reading it . But we're a strong family. Xxx

[@zaydsharif5504]

Had the exact same thing happen to me. Still going through it now. It is scary reading other people’s stories and seeing that it’s the same exact thing.

[@leeannsellman4367]

I spent 20 years of this cycle over and over. Our children were his tool to manipulate me. It’s not something someone can understand unless they live it. It’s always therapeutic to have someone understand what I’ve lived.

[@leeannsellman4367]

@@GoneFishin247 you sound bitter and threatened. A salt lick may calm you down.

[@leeannsellman4367]

@@GoneFishin247 I’m a country girl no explanation needed.

[@bandieboo8102]

No-one gets how cruel this stuff is.. unless they live it.. .truly heartbreaking when they use children as weapons....

[@bandieboo8102]

re salt lick..very funny..😊😁 .stay well...wishing you all the very best from Australia 🇦🇺..x

[@quentindaniels7460]

My apologies, LeeAnn. Your right, no one understands unless they’ve gone through it. The abuse is a darkness that is subhuman.

[@San2117]

I heard something the other day that stuck with me. Anyone who is committed to diminishing another person is being abusive

[@panfried7566]

"to compromise just to avoid the punishment" - sadly, it does eventually lead to this... until one learns that this is abuse, the total opposite of love, which has absolutely NO PLACE in a healthy relationship. thanks, darren.

[@steviecrow914]

Looking back, I know exactly when the “manipulative shift” happened, before I knew the term. It was the minute I realized Mr Nice Guy was no longer on the premises. Someone dark had taken his place.

[@brega6286]

Leaving and no contact is the best way to get away from such idiots. It can be extremely hard ! Often the idiot gets what he/she wants by being like a temper tantrum constantly demanding toddler. They drive you bonkers.

[@helen3800]

My ex partner used to use sulking as a control tactic. He worked away all week and knew that the weekend together was important to me. If I said or did something HE considered to be unacceptable, he would take to bed for the whole weekend. Then get up Monday morning and go off to work for the week without a word.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

My narc husband started getting up in the middle of the night or very early in the morning. He'd go to the bathroom and then walk out the bedroom door and close it, without a word. We were newlyweds, so that would really hurt my feelings. Of course, I couldn't sleep then because I'm also wondering what's going on, if he's okay. But when I go out there and ask him, he acts like I'm annoying. You know, I think that hurt me more than anything else. Being pushed away or walked out on was sooo deflating. I could have cared less what he said, because he always sounded so pathetic when he was accusing me. My tears were 70% from the sheer disappointment of our life together because of who he really was, and only 30% from watching whatever embarrassing way he was willing to debase himself in order to say and do his weird crazymaking. In my view, what's so Twisted is I thought the world of him before he started requiring me to do whatever he said. Then I was completely disgusted with him. Seems like narcissistic behavior has the exact opposite effect that it is intended to evoke in another person. It seems paradoxical to me but maybe I'm wrong, and it's really only about their control, and the narc could care less how we feel about complying with their demands. I don't think I ever really thought about it this way before. A normal person could care how another person felt about their request, but a narcissist would just demand and not even want to hear how you feel.

[@le_th_]

I think there is a potential step missing: PTSD and the long recovery process, and the abuser need not have ever laid a finger on you, either.

[@101runaways]

True, I got mentally and emotionally abused by my classmates for three years and suffered even worse of the same kind of abuse daily at home on top of that. After the abuse finally stopped it took a long time to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem and work through the emotional damage.

[@seg6629]

So true as a survivor, the mental health after, trauma complex ptsd , anxiety , It's very sad 😢 Hope you are well xx love from wales uk

[@Herman-f9m]

This is brilliant. From 3:00 he's describing the woke: "[The victims] adopt new responses to please the abuser. They learn to manage the situation to mitigate the negative reinforcement that has been introduced. They may even learn a new language, learn not to use certain words, learn what to say, what not to say, when to say it, and when to keep quiet. Their sense of self, their sense of reality begins to become distorted as the abuser gaslights them more and more. This can involve the rewriting of narratives, picking up on any small fault as evidence that the victim is wrong about something. The abuser may even claim to know more about the victim ("YOU'RE A RACIST!") than they know about themselves. "

[@Grrrrrrr123]

This is spot on. Until I started counselling for another reason and removed myself from the marital bedroom I couldn’t think straight. Suddenly everything became clear and I have now exited the relationship after thirty plus years 🙏

[@MoPoppins]

Yayyyy!! 👏 👏 👏 Shows it’s never too late, if you’ve still got a heartbeat. 💝

[@darlene-MamaD]

🤗💖

[@reneedwards1082]

How did you do it? I'm petrified. He has taken controll over my whole life and even convinced my two boys and friends and family that I am mentally sick. He blames me for him losing his temper, nothing is ever his fault. I've just discovered after 24 yrs that he has put everything into a family trust and only my kids are beneficiaries plus the car I thought I owned. He's lost the papers. He controlls my everything and feeds me finance when I need to buy household. He runs his business from my home which I share with him but said I would get nothing. His family are polite but especially his mum is abusive towards me and written private matters of me in her autobiography. I am a believer in a higher power but I am not aloud to share it as it's offensive...really? Love? I do suffer from terrible PTSD and have in the past landed up in hospital which us all recorded. I am so stuck. He says no one will believe me.

[@Grrrrrrr123]

@@reneedwards1082 you are believed I believe you! Unless you have been in an abusive relationship people cannot understand how it feels. I too am intelligent warm and caring and a professional I stayed for thirty years because I felt stuck if I can do it so can you. I too believe in the higher power of the universe but right here right now you have to start practical planning to include putting money away opening a bank account of your own etc etc. my beautiful son took his own life due to this monster but I am still here and so will you be you can do it but safety first and if he is malignant as mine is leave quietly 🙏

[@reneedwards1082]

@@Grrrrrrr123 it's so difficult. I'm trying to start up a business again at 54 but I'm feeling so crushed. I've lost interest in everything except for my horse, which he pays for and reminds me. I slept in the spare room last night as I am sitting with so much resentment towards him and his family. I do not want to take any medications cause he will record it to prove that I'm insane yet I never took a head ache tablet till I got married. He blocked his ph from me and used to hive me money for household. Then decided he will give me bits as I need to buy essentials. I live in a beautiful home which I found and built up as I am a landscaper and painter but he says none of that is recorded so I have nothing even though he's put the house in my name. Property prices are going down. He runs a business from here and has 4 woman in his office and a enmeshed mum and two sisters and everyone loves him and I won't be able to survive on my own. I'm feeling very down today. How much longer can I live this lie?

[@juliepoppy1021]

I had to converse with the person this week due to info about my mum's health, and it only took 2 mins for the person to do so many things that are now big red flags. They said to me " well even though you are such a hard person to have in my life I will concede to ring you fortnightly now you have rung me. " I thought to myself " Hell no! " I may check again in another 12 mths. Only a slight wobble experienced. Gosh I have grown. Thank you.

[@dianeetchells9963]

I have been through 32 year's of marriage with a covert narcissist. I was isolated. He took over $200000.00 of my money. I am currently in my own home and trying to serve divorce papers which he is avoiding. Trying to own me . Yes you are describing my life. Now I am absolutely crippled emotionally, he coopted overt narcissist to trash me at tennis. I wish to God I knew what I was up against before I said I wanted a divorce. My God it never ends and MY daughter witnessed my behaviour and thought I was the bad person.

[@hannahgrazzini]

I’m currently dealing with this and feel like I’m suffocating, she does this under the guise of financial constraint.

[@forensicfaithinprofiling]

You just described my now ex husband and my marriage to him a "T". Even 4 years now into solid daily recovery, it is still so difficult to put into words exactly what coercive control and abuse is. Thank you Dr Darren. I was raised like that and married right into identical dynamics. It's almost like deprogramming yourself from a cult. I have an enormous recovery team surrounding me because I survived 52 years of non-stop coercive abuse. I'm here to tell any survivor, that you too, can get through this, and become your own individuated self. That you can learn that life is filled with beautiful experiences, and healthy people. And I believe in you all. You deserve better, you have always deserved better.

[@trying2survive602]

So glad you got out. I am in the planning stages but with no full-time job I am stuck. He is seen by many outsiders as a great, wonderful guy! No one but the kids (now teenagers) and I know his true self. Thank you for this. You give me hope!

[@Oakleylaurie]

Where are these healthy people, lol? Seems every time I turn around I'm dealing with someone bent on exploiting me in some way. I guess there are red flags but I think surely not this person, they're so nice!

[@MasterMalrubius]

The idea of distance from the abuse being the first step to recovery is 100 percent correct. I gave several chances to someone because we lived close and it was difficult to avoid/ignore her without seeming like I was the jerk. I finally decided I couldn't deal with her and did just that without caring of how it came across. It was like coming out of a drunken stupor. I began to see how I had been screwing up by continuing to deal with this person. There is a quote; "All road lead to Rome." Well, all roads with a toxic person leads back to abuse. You cannot interact with them without going back into the abuse. The only way to deal with them is by having third-party involved or heavy documentation to keep them back.

[@masselindqvist]

This is so familiar to my situation.

[@zoespiteri5034]

Wow thanks that is very useful.

[@bandieboo8102]

Thank you..great comment ...

[@darlene-MamaD]

I tend to not discuss on personal toxic situations that I've experienced...I try to discuss on how I've healed over the complex trauma that I've experienced in my 52 yrs. Yet, these last few years... I've chosen to share...mainly due to your channel and a few others on KZbin. I left a 11 yr relationship that was on this level, in 2002. I dealt with the majority of these tactics. It definitely started small. I remained in this toxicity due to fear of how my Daughter ( he in this scenario isn't the bio Father) would blame me for taking him away, if I left...the last straw was when he told me,' I don't care if you're not happy, I don't want to lose you' Oddly enough, after I left he did all he could do to ; buy my daughter extravagant gifts/smear campaign me/brainwash her into being angry at me, etc. I left with my clothes and my daughter's belongings and started completely over...with very little job exp due to being a stay at home Ma for 6 of those yrs. Life seemed scarry at first...with years of pro help, on codependency, fear of abandonment issues, I was thrilled to realize not everyone will treat me in such a manner...that I deserved respect, equal reciprocity in an intimate relationship. Thank you, for sharing this video to educate people !

[@basketballfan5763]

I cannot lose this feeling that I've been played in being told horror stories of my ex's childhood.......to get me back.....I just don't feel right.....I feel I had escaped......of course I feel sorry4him.....but there's a new 'side' of him that I see so clear now.. .and it's not kind and it's not nice........ and it's got nothing to do with childhood abuse... he thinks he has me back......and this is the real him.....I'll never understand why he couldn't just let me go.....

[@InvestigatorMr]

2 results either positive or negative. “coercive and control” very useful for revenges. It can harm millions of relationships.

[@billyliar1614]

This video is so true. The Honeymoon phase, then a gradual escalation of tension ...the whole thing about trading with generosity and calling in favours, gas-lighting etc. Absolutely spot-on. My ex-wife to a tee - she was incredibly subtle but this was actually more damaging. She would introduce undermining comparisons into a conversation such as ''Audrey only works 2 days a week, her partner Chris has a good job though''. Then triggered I would say something like ''Oh yeah but you are part-time too and Audrey is self-employed so we don't know the circumstances'' (my ex-wife only worked 3 days a week) She would then accuse me of being attracted to Audrey and talking about her all the time, when it was her who bought up the topic. Priceless. I could literally feel the stress melt away when I had made the decision to quit, told her so and got on with my life. Living in a toxic relationship isn't worth it, no matter how many strings bind you together.

[@derek5168]

You have mentioned in this series of videos the best way to deal with people like this in your life is to manage boundaries with those trying to control you I've learnt this for myself it's the best anyone can do

[@robertjerge9627]

3:19 not to use certain words: i returned to US Naval service in 2000 and learned that women now served aboard combat ships (no worries there). Whenever i would talk to my wife about my work aboard the ship (unclassified info) she would get mad whenever i used female pronouns and/or names. i changed that to using either gender-neutral or last names only such as "the guys", Petty Officer, Seaman, Johnson, Smith.

[@nathanvogt2056]

The abused person often tries to get others to submit to the abusers behavior. Trying to save themselves fallout after friends and family members disagree question the abuser.

[@waffles3931]

As an autistic person, I’d just like to share some of my story. I take most things literally, and I am completely unable to tell if someone says one thing and means another (ie: if they have ulterior motives). This, combined with my lack of social skills/relationship experience, made me the perfect target for my abuser: I’d never question his intentions, couldn’t tell the difference between love and abuse, and wouldn’t object to anything for fear of rejection. The 5 months we were together were like my own personal hell. I was subjected to every type of abuse except physical. I was isolated and infantilized. I wasn’t allowed to interact with my beloved special interests. It took months of processing after he broke up with me, but I slowly learned just how awful he’d treated me. I know I’m vulnerable. But I’m not weak, and I’m not stupid. I will live with the trauma of that relationship for the rest of my life… but if all goes well, he’ll be living the rest of his with a criminal charge on his record. I hope the trial is the last time I ever have to see his fucking face.

[@lala5061]

Don't u ever take him back cuz he's going to keep doing it will get worse and worse it is now his language with u...he gotta suck that's his problem cuz itwas his choice.. DO NOT HELP HIM AT ALL.. 🤗

[@abigailjennings6602]

my ex-fiance left me about 6 months ago and i didn’t even realize until after the relationship ended that i was being manipulated and controlled the whole time. it’s insane how you described to a T how the relationship was

[@bonniebundle6692]

I’m just battling through statement writing for police after an attack in March where partner was arrested. Neighbours heard and called police so he was caught in the act! It was on police decision to add further charges for coercive control after they wrote my personal statement for assault and battery charge. I’m finding now the memories flooding my thoughts that I somehow disregarded in the 12 months from meeting this man. Can’t believe I was so stupid to continue relationship, but see how I was manipulated now. Thankful it was only a year!!! Thankful I’m on the journey of recovery now but the worste part of it all is how stupid I feel. I know in my brain it wasn’t my fault but see in my ignorance that I walked into this! For me that’s the healing needed

[@Julie-qn9rj]

All I kept doing was putting the ex-husband ,sons,friends,my dads behaviour into Google an the same word kept coming back NARCISSIST!!!I'm so educated on the topic now(8+years) I can spot one a mile off, everything you have mentioned I have gone through time and time again,but it was all for a reason!!!to learn about my self the gifts I've been blessed with,I'm a super empath,so now my life has changed so much,I know what to do to protect myself against extremely abusive people, document everything and if nesseary get authorities involved

[@veep5712]

Thank you for informative content!! Dealing with a mentally unstable stalker abuser who apparently has influence and power to perjure and corrupt judicial systems, pay influencial corrupt attornies and police to perjure. It is horrendous. I guess that is why Court is called A Rich Man's Game.

[@alenagoddess2400]

I went through the same thing in a different way going up against one of the most powerful law firms on the planet. Yes the judicial system is corrupted. Make sure you document everything even publishing blogging online may help get them to back off.

[@susanneashton1340]

Is what he tells you true? Does he really have this power or is he bluffing to frighten you?

[@JKDVIPER]

My partners narcissist used each and every single item you mentioned, word for word, inch by inch, I witnessed it. A real trip seeing it in real time. 🤢✨"He used fear of not belonging, isolation, and fear of the unknown as a wedge. Housing specifically. 💯😔

[@BookWorm2369]

Perfectly said. Sharing this on my FB for domestic violence awareness month

[@pam164]

Been in 3 of these with men and they all follow the same pattern, and you think its you, why they don't want you anymore, what have I said or done? But I realise they did it as part of the cycle, your tested in first cycle to see how you react and if you pass the test, then the second cycle begins.

[@aceanyconcept337]

It is indeed therapeutic to listen to all this from you. Makes me realize what just happened and that things only get worse once you stay in such relationships. They always find a way to pinpoint any faults and make a big deal ou of things and you feel like walking on egg shells around them. The more time you end up in such relationships, the more damaging it is.

[@mastEren11]

I seem to have developed an avoidant personality disorder by trying to keep to myself and the Greyrock method. It’s not easy bro, really not easy. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, and her manipulation, her cheating and pathological lying is constant… You don’t know who to trust. We have two kids together, that’s the only thing I can salvage from this relationship. I love them both dearly.

[@Butterfly-if1qs]

yes, recovery has been difficult, but worth it.Thank you Darren!

[@WildflowerAnn]

Spot. On. It’s so very difficult-heart breaking, scary, messes you up physically, emotionally and mentally. It should be a crime.

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

I naively didn't realise what was happening was abuse until after when my therapist told me.

[@MoPoppins]

Hope you’re not too hard on yourself about that-in the mainstream (media, at school, work, etc.), there’s LITERALLY no discussion about narcissistic abuse on a level that’s actually informative & helpful, so it’s not your fault at all. Glad your eyes have been opened-and thank you for your public service, DARREN! 🙏

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

@@MoPoppins thank you.

[@yellowdayz1800]

The comment box is healing too.. Yes, I like to comment. Thanks. ❤❤

[@Dana-dana1]

In my case it was my Sister who was the coercive abuser. After my Mum passed, she'd used her kids as leverage to get what she wanted from my Dad, knowing how much he adored those kids. After he passed, she went for my other sister, who couldn't have kids,family meant everything to her and miss coercive knew this, then that sister and husband suddenly died, so she went for me, it was awful, just awful. 😢 I had to make a difficult decision, walk away, which hard, only having one sibling you share your parents with. Am I glad I walked? Yes and no. Yes to the point she no longer has control of me and I can try to heal, which isn't easy, I sometimes have to catch myself on, when I find myself agreeing to everything, anything and being a bit of a doormat with people(An after effect of trying to please the sister, I'm sure) And, no because sometimes I feel like an orphan, especially at Christmas, when all you hear is family this, family that. With love to all who are, or have been in these awful relationships. ❤

[@ijfsfv7439]

When a woman first starts living with the abuser everything will be fine at first. And even though everything is going well, the abuser will create drama and problems where it doesn't exist. One good piece of advice is don't quit your job after you start living together. My ex wanted me to quit my night job and work days to suit him, even though day work payed much less and I was already paying all the bills and buying all the food.

[@Rowganlife]

15 years late on watching this one...damn it.

[@pam164]

I planned for a year to get rid of my husband at the time, it was hard to get him out the house ( as was in my name) I have no doubt if it was in his name he would of kicked me out on the streets. He did make my life very difficult through our children which 30 years later I steel feel the prucussions.

[@zetaomegaomega]

Unfortunately, I relate to all of this... and don't know what a normal relationship looks like. What are the stages of a healthy relationship?

[@DarrenFMagee]

I made a video previously on the signs of a healthy relationship if you’d find that helpful?

[@zetaomegaomega]

@@DarrenFMagee many thanks!

[@shelderevolved2976]

I feel ya. I’ve had to learn the opposite. I always knew what was wrong but I didn’t know what was right. I didn’t know that not everybody’s the same. I found teal swan on KZbin very helpful in my journey of self.

[@TC-gx3qn]

His signs of a healthy relationship video is really excellent.

[@sssttt2211]

I worked in Qualcomm and i experienced exactly all these signs... They assume more about you than asking anything to you directly... Either they assume or they ask random 3rd party but never to you directly... Then you have to beg for 3rd party's mercy to communicate and understand what you want properly and convey that to narcissists if they have power over you else you are doomed... Because everything depends on this narcissist and his understanding via 3rd party ... But if narcissist wants to have control over you and need to be liked by you then such person avoids and ignored direct communication with you. My boss in Qualcomm was just like this... They have no respect for your time, everything should run the way they planned and the way they assumed... Only minor action or your minor mistake is enough for them to assume you are piece of trash...and treat you accordingly, because you are not expected to be human .. they blame you for all wrongs they do, never take responsibility on their shoulder but want all credit for your work bcoz they are bosses and team leaders...

[@jrod7017]

scary accurate. Thank you Mr. Magee for all of your work. I find myself watching a great deal, and I am grateful.

[@robertmessam103]

This is good building blocks, on the way to self actualisation and needed

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for a very helpful video, your support and assistance Darren. I have been through these stages and your description is Spot on! We need to talk about it as much as possible.

[@crocussaffie2680]

The hardest part is when the children you love hit the teenage years and take over,where their father left off. Fingers crossed

[@Portia620]

Then the cycle keeps up even when you try to teach this cycle needs to stop and open their eyes to it. They go on to repeat the cycle. 😭

[@Emily_Paris]

Ohhh… that’s a tough one. I wish you the best.

[@crocussaffie2680]

@@Emily_Paris Thank you. That’s a tough one it’s part of the religious culture.

[@eileenkillen1481]

❤Going through this now pray for me please ❤

[@KhemistrySet]

Great video. Imagine being born into this dynamic…

[@TomHuckACAB]

Rock on Darren. These videos are invaluable for people learning about where they are and what's going on. Cheers

[@ninjagirlnomeansno9403]

Absolutely stupendous, Thank you, I will never get involved - Brainwashed into another abusive relationship again, Thank you for sharing and helping others, Peace, love, joy and happiness to you and everyone, Thank you universe 🥰😍😁😀💫😃🐉🐉✨️♾️👁🦄🧿🌈🧝‍♀️🛸🌌👽🥰

[@thescapegoatclub]

So many great points- thank you for another excellent video!

[@josephnicholas9497]

Very good video sir

[@yellowdayz1800]

He explained my life.. 🎉😢😢

[@TC-gx3qn]

This was so accurate, Darren! It will help a lot of people. Wonderful work-thank you so much!

[@Sally-ih6ls]

It’s hard to help adult child if the narc has isolated them from their family and made us (parents) look like the toxic people. He is a full blown covert narc without physical abuse….if only I knew this before when her and I were close, I could’ve given her a heads up. She did however say she thinks she’s the narc…but I know he is….she has changed so much in 6 years, I don’t even know who she is…she became a stranger to me, now she’s discarded us, so sad. These are evil people that ruin people and families…she’s trauma bonded, always made excuses for his behaviour and no way out for her.

[@pizzakrydder2515]

What a nightmare situation for you, I'm so sorry.

[@ilashankar9031]

I so resonate with this. But, in my case, my daughter saw something was amiss when her 6 year old son was being abused and manipulated and she being triangulated with her son. Then too, it was he who walked away (supposedly a threatening gesture hoping to get her to plead like the zillion times before in the 9 years of their marriage) and she called his bluff! She's never been happier and more grateful for the love and support she got with us.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

I can only dream she walks away or he leaves her…he likes her money too much and his lifestyle🙁

[@antoniapillitteri638]

My son is in a same situation he met this girl who at first was so lovely to everyone couldn’t do enough for us. She slowly isolated him from his friends, family and now brain washed him against his parents and siblings. He was such a beautiful soul before he met her and now he is always angry and dosent talk to us anymore it’s been 6 months now since he spoke to us. I feel like I’m grieving for the loss of my son!! Such evil people in this world!! 😢

[@maryheron4056]

Our daughter thinks I'm the abuser at the moment. My other children assure me I'm not it is just our son in law has messed her head so much. She hasn't spoken to us for 10 months nor have we seen our grandchildren. It is very tough but I know she's trying to figure it out as she has been in touch with her brother. I just hope your daughter sees it soon and can get herself out.

[@amywitham-strand1566]

This is such an accurate video. Thank you🙏🏻

[@Marcia_Toms]

I can see pieces of the jigsaw fitting into place here. What happens when in the end I have nobody at all to turn to? Nowhere to go.

[@anuksunamun0494]

I'm so tired. I don't see any outcome in my abuse marriage....

[@Nando_lifts2021]

Many thanks for your video! I enjoy how it gives us watchers a sense of real hope at the end.

[@OzyMandias13]

Thank you for another quality video. I have a couple of requests. I was wondering if you would consider making videos discussing… 1). stage parents/dance moms/pageant moms/sports dads 2). Anhedonia. I am seeing it referenced in mental health forums more and more, with people claiming to have had it for decades providing all sorts of speculative reasons other than depression or substance abuse (the most common accepted causes as I understand it) that they are experiencing it.

[@DarrenFMagee]

Thank you for your suggestions 👍

[@amberklein6893]

⚡️wow What a perfect description! Even my favorite color had changed to match his. Thank you for the validation.

[@shredderMLG]

My partner was sweet up until we got married and a month later fell pregnant. She had hyperemesis (extreme vomiting) and I had to spend all my spare time looking after. Going to the hospital at all hours. Then the abusive control started happening. I couldn't go to the gym, wouldn't let me sleep or controller when I could go to sleep. Lots of gaslighting and abusive name calling. Then she installed cameras in the kitchen and bedroom and would try to start fights to film me and use as evidence so she could threaten me with it. I refused to take the bait. She finally put me into a situation where I had to call the police or risk it escalating. She is currently living in a shared emergency accommodation for women. She is 32 weeks pregnant. She wants to come back and is telling me it's all hormonal. It's because of the pregnancy. If she was not carrying my child I would not speak to her again but is it possible her behaviour was brought on by the pregnancy? Or is this just back to love bombing? I feel like an asshole for making a pregnant woman live in that situation but I also can't go back to how things were.

[@marianne383]

Thank you so much for the transcripts and links Dr. Magee. The videos are insightful and truly helpful. A true blessing until your book(s) are published.

[@philippagrimoire5968]

I just left a man I’d been seeing for only 3 months but in that time he did so many not normal things and behaviours so I definitely knew he was conditioning me. Small things like subtly walking me into a wall whilst walking together to the park then when I asked him to give me more space and stop doing it he’d blame me for not shoving him back yet later spoke about how his exes were ‘abusive’ towards him and when I asked for examples he’d say “they’d shove me”!! Was he trying to test me to see if I would shove him or to get me to shove him so he could cry abuse? I don’t know but that was just the start… He later yelled at me for stopping to look at a blue tongue lizard? I didn’t touch the lizard..I was simply observing the lizard and he yelled at me to leave it alone but really for no good reason! He’s a vegetarian but looking at a lizard isn’t harming it? He later yelled at me over steamed beans in the kitchen suddenly with no warning and previously was calm? It put me into fight or flight and I took a weeks break from him to process it and he tried to guilt trip me by saying he felt sad and hurt that I didn’t speak to him for a week?? I had every right to take time out to process something that made me feel unsafe. He minimised it saying he ‘gets grumpy’ when he’s trying to quit smoking but he deliberately chose not to wear the patch that day knowing it made him grumpy when he didn’t wear it so he wanted me to get used to it and put up with it. I told him four times that cigarette smoke made me feel Physically sick and he kept trying to kiss me after smoking one?? Just so disrespectful! I told him initially I didn’t want to be with a smoker and he invalidated my concerns and talked me into staying because he saw a future for us!! All he wanted was someone to listen to him crap in about himself incessantly and never ask me a single thing about myself! He wanted me to be his motivational coach without even asking if I wanted to be in that role? Finally my body kept shirking away from him when he touched me and I’d feel nauseous…just from him touching me? I realised I couldn’t let him near me again and had to dump him via text and blocked even though I wouldn’t normally end a relationship that way but knew he’d try and talk me out of it like last time. He’d regularly tell me “it was a joke” when he’d say something questionable to me and his tone of voice was always teetering on the verge of mocking or belittling me but he’d never actually do it. I sensed the other day that he’s been slandering me even though I’ve not heard anything from anyone and don’t hang out with any of his friends but I can feel it.

[@bxstar5276]

So he really thought he could control me like that? Idiot hurt his own head

[@rosemarybrown4407]

Very helpful explanation.

[@Iamnosey]

Oh boy! You hit it..

[@angelaapruzzese8347]

YOU SO GETTTTTTTTTTTT IT

[@fairygurl9269]

Respect

[@Spiral.Dynamics]

I have watched my father in law go through this control with 2 women over 33 years. Ultimately, I came to believe that he used them to escape responsibility and be seen as the good guy, the long suffering husband of a controlling woman.

[@angelabrainky7786]

Thank you.

[@yumnom69420]

What if someone was in one of these abusive dynamics ever since they were born? I've been made to feel like a burden my whole life and that: "they'll just take care of me, it's fine" , having to live through constant passive aggression, only to find that once I really decided to work on myself and change for the better, that passive aggression has had the dial turned waaay up. Also, I noticed when I ask for assistance with learning how to do something, they find a way or reason not to "it'll just be faster if I do it"....

[@edgreen8140]

Very true.

[@gridspir]

Grateful for you not referencing specific genders in your languaging. Am trying to support male friend stuck deeply in a relationship of coercive control with a covert narcissicist wife, and the info I have to offer so often references female victims that it 's much more challenging to get him to reach out...please don't get me wrong, I understand what the stats by far show - I just think its important we ensure our brothers who are suffering in this way also feel validated enough to admit and access the help they need and deserve as well. ❤

[@MinkaAlexander]

Thank you very much I watched quite a few of your videos today I found it very helpful and informative and I found you very well spoken

[@angelaapruzzese8347]

💯 FACTS

[@tammyvo8880]

You just read my life story.

[@RR-kz4hq]

But what if its the person who raised you not a partner

[@worldsyoursent.1635]

🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@sloanmagnum5009]

Its a little disturbing to read some lf these comments from women who are accusing their husbands of being narcissists while making them selves out to be perfect angels who never did one thing wrong and everything bad was the husbands fault. I think some of you are just throwing the word narcissist at anything you dont like about someone while never once holding your self accountable. Theres some comments in here with real narcissist relationships and then theres some of you who are only looking out for yourself and how you feel. Ive seen it a thousand times

[@ivadedeva7005]

THAT IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP BUT VIOLENCE! Please do not give contradict ive message!

[@robertafierro5592]

Everyone knows what have to do. Even the victims.

[@johnjohnson1681]

i will say that once i knew what I was dealing with during the discard I became very angry... I decided to out that witch to everyone she knew and then some I'm talking over the top type exposure sharing intimate conversations and text literally making signs and hanging them up where she works... it was so bad she transferred to a different location 45 minutes away just to avoid having to take accountability DING DONG surprise 45mins or 4500 minutes ill be there ;) these people don't deserve pity or sympathy the way they destroy the soul is reprehensible and they deserve that 9th circle in hell

[@ST-yc7uj]

You are a narc and a stalker now, congrats

[@RR-kz4hq]

This was and is my mother

[@maryjopling5952]

Thanks to facebook I learned about gaslighting.

[@QigongQi]

Haha, glad I never married, so I never went I to "Honeymoon Phase" Some men cannot afford marriage, modern marriage is a contract, at best. I just cut out an really covet narc abuser and his single.mother lady friend who thought she "could deliver me" I give people the benefit of the doubt and it costs me so I stopped doing it 99%of the time.

[@angelaapruzzese8347]

🙏😘🌸💖🌹🧿

[@meme-zv7kw]

WHY DON'T THEY JUST LEAVE ??? WHY DO THEY STAY

[@talbenavraham1478]

Children?

[@gratefultobehere]

It’s a very slow boil if there are many years and investments (i.e., children) involved. You know the frog 🐸 story? If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. If you put a frog in water and raise the temp slowly, it gets acclimated - and will slowly boil to death.

[@MoPoppins]

Narcs literally only live to receive narcissistic supply. If they’re sticking around, that means they’re benefitting somehow, whether it’s thru negative or positive supply…they don’t care. They’ll take what they can, until they SUCK YOU DRY. That’s why the non-narc has to initiate sometimes, but make it seem like it was the narc’s idea/choice to do the discard.

[@talbenavraham1478]

@@MoPoppins the last paragraph, I calmly stated that I wanted the abuse to stop and was told that's what there is if that's not good then leave. I did,the look on her face was priceless. Well she did say.....

[@luxurylifela4559]

In my situation, there were several barriers. He took my car at one point. Many nights he’d wake me up and accuse me, insult me, or even hit me. I’d be so tired in the mornings. Me going to work outside the home resulted in physical abuse and hours of verbal abuse. Other days he’d bar the door and physically block it. He’d say he couldn’t trust me to go outside and say I needed to call in. If I tried to pass, it was an invitation to physical abuse. l eventually was so mentally worn down that I just quit my job because everything was so erratic. That meant I didn’t have the money to leave or transportation. He also threatened to kill himself and would say frequently I know how to find your family. Then also, in this situation, you’re no longer thinking straight. The relationship wasn’t always bad. He’d be on his best behavior and act like the perfect mate. I’d hold on to this and it was hard to leave that person I loved and had all those good memories with. It sounds crazy now but that was my state of mind then that I could believe there was a good side to someone who would treat me like that.

[@BecauseYoureBlessed]

Covert narcism. 🕷️💩😆

[@deeboolove1301]

It’s interesting how you even say they threaten you like it’s gonna be very dark for you if you don’t comply gonna be you know like maybe a picture that looks really horrific frightening and devastating like violence and terrifying and I’m glad I got out that I don’t subject myself to that kind of mental abuse on a daily basis I deserve better thank you so much for your videos it helps me to remember what it really was like you kind of want to go back to the good part but the bad part is so horrific he just when you reminded you go oh hell no thank you again you have such big blue eyes kind eyes thank you video❤️‍🩹🥲👍❤️‍🔥🖼🌈🙏🦢🕊

[@caroleminke6116]

Go gray rock then no contact ❤️‍🩹 disengage then stay away! It takes a full year to cycle thru the trauma bond & then overcome that cognitive dissonance but you can do it one day at a time. I’m still in rumination but there are more peaceful days as t understand what has happened & why I was so codependent. Childhood CPTSD had caused us shame since we were blamed for our parents failures ❤️‍🩹 but it’s possible to heal at any age!

[@EASco22]

This gives me hope. Thank you

[@CanadianBear47]

Yes my narcissistic ppl r parents. I have learned what do they want they r so needy