Das Ranting: Mervin Reads! Twilight Illustrated Guide (Episode 7)

[@AMoniqueOcampo]

Vampire Bella reminds me of a frickin Sailor Moon villain!

[@DarkMasterofCupcakes]

The fancy crib especially makes no sense considering how quickly Renesmee aged. I mean, yeah, I understanding getting her a crib in general since obviously she'd presumably need somewhere to sleep...but with the rate she was aging, pretty sure she'd be old enough for a bed within like...a week or so. So, giving her that fancy crib with the canopy, when she was going to outgrow it by the time a month had passed, if not long before then, really just comes across as the Cullens wanting to show of their money. That's why they have her crib look like that, rather than just a simple design.

[@sarahmaple1997]

Honestly when I think of Renesmee I think of Lilith from Supernatural. That scene that it played by Sierra McCormick when she runs into the kitchen and her dress is drenched in blood. And the mother is like: "What happened to your dress?" and Lilith responds, "Freckles was mean to me." O_o So creepy...

[@Luircin]

Ergh. Okay, Bella is abhorrent, but if we excised the self-centered contemptible person and replaced it with a girl who is actually sweet, kind, and all the things that SMeyer utterly failed at writing her as, she might actually be kind of attractive. You know, if beauty comes from within. Vampire-Bella is creepy as HELL. That's not beauty; that's so deep into the uncanny valley that you're digging a new volcano!

[@mary34channel]

The only difference between human Bella and vampire Bella is that the latter looks more stoned.

[@werolynn8504]

''Jacob loves it'' I felt so bad that I laughed at that moment. I was covering my face with my hands out of shame.

[@SerafinDrake]

Looking at the illustration of Bella's wedding gown. It was supposed to be Edwardian, wasn't it? or at least a close facsimile? Doesn't look very Edwardian to me. Not like anything from the 1910's (where's the corset? the bustle? the huge puffy sleeves?) and not like anything from the early 1920's , either (the veil is all wrong - and the dress would look rather more like an ankle length flapper gown made of lace). If Alice had it specially commissioned to look at least somewhat like something Edward would have remembered nostalgically from his human past, or even (rather less nostalgically) from his first few years of being a vampire, maybe make the dress look less like something cribbed from the notebooks of Vera Wang? Meanwhile, rather than a modern-looking, very 21st century ribbon-wrapped pompom of roses, the Cullen family should have made an attempt to get Bella a cascade of orange blossoms, or stephanotis if no orange blossoms could be had from the local florist... The hairstyle is accurate enough for the 1910's. Nothing to complain about, there. Yes, I know, I'm picking out extremely minor stuff, but all the obvious comments about the character flaws in Bella, the sheer skeeviness of Renesme, Stephenie Meyer's personality disorder(s), etc have already been made, and I can't improve on them.

[@F1areon]

"Jacob loves it; it's just perfect!" *pukes*

[@zenfrodo]

11:00 Renesmee looks a lot like Leetah from Elfquest. And I mean LOTS. The first time I saw this pic on the Net, that’s who I thought it was, someone doing fanart of Leetah as a child.

[@noahkarpinski1824]

When she's a vampire, is Bella wearing a smartphone as a bracelet?

[@NekoFaustus]

Holy SHIT does Bella have huge hands as a vampire in that picture. Her palm is like, the size of her whole face. You could smother a man with those hands. Those big, Junjou Romantica-esque hands. I'm sorry, Mervin. I agree with everything you're saying, but once that picture showed up all I could focus on were those HANDS.

[@WingsOfASong]

A "Suether" is a term for an author that writes a Mary Sue story.

[@Sorakeyblademaster37]

No offense to any Mormons out there, but I think their preference for white may have to do with how SMeyer tries to make them be Mormons. The color white is important in Mormon symbolism from what I'm aware. Dear god this women does just cannot avoid the Dead Herrings and bad symolism! Yeah, Carlisle isn't just a psycho, he's also just a straight up shitty father. A good father doesn't spoil his children; he DISCIPLINES them when they do wrong. Carlisle doesn't do that. He's a crappy dad too.

[@YunaElphabaLovegood]

I think Isabella looked prettier before she was transformed. Looks like her neck is much to wide for her head after the transformation. I don't like it. "Human" (I use that word very loosely) Isabella was actually pretty, at least in my eyes. There's something wrong with Renesmees legs. ôO Anyway, good work as always, enjoy your break, Mervin. You deserve it!

[@saramccarty2412]

OMG. I've listened to all the Cullen profiles & I can only come up with one logical thought for the trainwreck these are & why they're so contradictory & retconning. These profiles WERE NOT done before she started writing this piece of crap & expanded/edited for consistency during the first three drafts. That's what these things are for; the author themselves to get to know their characters & for consistency & continuity. That's why there's such mundane things in them. 90% of it NEVER makes it into the actual story. Another thing. Any new stories that are touched upon in them that need to be told somewhat in them are, again, for the writer themselves to use for the psychology of the character & to determine how the character would be like. It's not so fleshed out as she apparently as them only because it's for a REFERENCE point. Some of the back story tales are what she should have fleshed out & published as extras not some lame scenes that should have never existed in the first place. URGH!! Smeyer doesn't even understand writing notes in any way, shape, form or fashion! This heinous woman just doesn't even try to understand writing AT ALL. She's purposely idiotic about it because it gets in the way of her masturbating over her fictional wet dream.

[@caz1764]

Third thing about her transformation: Venom can actually act as shampoo, conditioner and hair dye also. The Cullens could make so much money with venom-based hair lotion. (This bugged me so much in the movie. I couldn't believe they went so far as it to make her so hair so lush, full and beautiful. Because human hair sucks!! >:P)

[@victoriacatwood]

Minor point, but we don't have many houses like that here in the Pacific Northwest. Wraparound porches and things are more common in the South. That kind of house would look very out of place here.

[@pokemario6456]

Is it just me, or did Bella look creepier as a Meyerpire instead of more beautiful than her human counterpart? Maybe it's just the art style, but Meyerpire Bella just looks sallow, lifeless/emotionless, and her hair length just doesn't look good. Human Bella actually looks kinda pretty and shows some damn emotion, albeit unhappy.

[@kevinfox298]

Yes, at least you can tell that Human Bella is a Grumpus. Vampire Bella just inspires an uncanny valley sort of reaction.

[@HaloandMetroid]

She looked way prettier as a human. It was in the same in the moves. But she was whiny and emotionless in the books too.

[@redjirachi1]

She was so sue-ishly "beautiful" it looped over

[@SerafinDrake]

@@redjirachi1 - The "after" picture just SCREAMED Mary Sue.

[@purplesea151]

Apparently Meyer was always looking over the artist's shoulder whilst the magna artist was drawing

[@pokemario6456]

You forgot to mention how Bella forgets to breathe. Also, Bella is continuing the incredibly stupid trend that the only job women can get outside of being a stay-at-home is a teacher. Not that being a teacher in itself is bad, it's just that Meyer seems too lazy to think of women in another position, like maybe being a freelance writer or a musician or something.

[@kevinfox298]

Or - crazy idea, I know - in business? The family has a company they manage for all their affairs, so wouldn't it make sense for the Cullen ladies to have 'official' roles in the company. Or how about in the legal field? As vampires, they can stuff their heads with knowledge that won't dissipate, and as they don't sleep, they have 24 hours each day to study in order to pass the bar. Some people consider lawyers to be soulless beings anyway, so their lack of aging wouldn't be out of place.

[@everlastingdragon4520]

Me: * sees the cake * Me: * steals it * IT'S MINE! ALL MINE! * eats the entire damn thing because I have a massive appetite *

[@Firespawnable]

Reading over this, I wouldn't be so disgusted if Smeyer would've let Nessie at least "grow up" first before letting the wolf imprint on her.

[@animeotaku307]

Why is Renesmee warmer? Because she's supposed be like a werewolf, silly Mervin! That's why she's meant for Jacob!

[@nomduclavier]

... When did I stumble on a Toddlers in Tiaras episode?

[@Darkxlily13]

The Reneesme height joke is hilarious. Sounds like some snarky comment I would have said. Of course, the images it brings to mind... I see why you apologized so much. Anyway, I'll be waiting for the Volturi. And I'm actually quite curious what program you use to make your videos, although if you're not willing to spill your secret, that's fine.

[@EssayOfThoughts]

Could you link me some of those Harry Inheritance fics? Some of them have interesting ideas buried amongst the suethoring and I like poking at them. Also I'm getting increasingly tempted to sit down and spork some of them.

[@CeruleanRogue]

Also, is it just me or does Bella's arm in her human photo look like it's at a horrendous angle..? And that neck angle, as you pointed out, is really long as well.

[@TheBookwurm82]

i did so many facepalms during episode 6 and now 7 i have given myself a minor headache and i havent even finished upisdode seven yet! you know what let me go get some tylenol or something before this turns into a migraine and i will be right back

[@bryanadkins6776]

11:10 laughing myself to death

[@DestinyHime]

The veil might be improbable but it still looks cool.

[@EmpressofCornwall]

I must agree, she looks quite .... dead! Vacant and blank and vapid.

[@EsmeAmelia]

How the HELL does becoming a vampre make your hair grow like that? Shit.

[@jlouisa]

What's up with the death baby's leg? It's drawn like its broken.

[@alysonblackwood3099]

Is it just me or do all the vampires have the same face?

[@CeruleanRogue]

Two Mervin Reads in less than a day? I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. :D

[@MaggieCandy999]

Meyer get your HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS!! XD

[@dasmervin]

@Darkxlily13 Oh, no secret. In fact, it's quite shameful. I just use the only program I have--Windows Movie Maker. Though I am now working on getting a better program, so we'll see how it goes in the future, won't we? :)

[@PhantomOfTheSchool]

See, there's a difference between CHOOSING to play around with anatomy and actually flubbing it, and with manga/manhwa/manhua artists, you can never tell. I'm not sure if this is a case of the artist having fun with her manhwa style and drawing with exaggerated proportion because that's how she likes it, or if she just fails anatomy.

[@noahkarpinski1824]

GAH! A giraffe!

[@user36able]

MEYER ! GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS !

[@Tolly7249]

I really want to hate you for that height joke, but I'm too busy clinging to my desk and laughing.

[@dasmervin]

I believe it is a purse of some kind.

[@purplesea151]

That explains a lot. I'm led to think that to be a 'good' manga artist, you have to study and master anatomy of the human body before trying to learn the style of manga.

[@RoryTReaper]

Really? Renesme looks more like a miniature version of the redheaded bride from Van Helsing to me. Scary as fuck either way

[@Magikalic]

Human!Bella looks ten times better than Vampire!Bella anyway

[@DestinyHime]

And Bella's jacket.

[@animeotaku307]

In regards to listening to music, didn't Jacob mention in New Moon that Bella doesn't like to listen to music? Despite her mentioning a few songs she liked in Twilight? SMeyer, stop wanking and keep your canon consistant!

[@starofjustice1]

Meyer thinks hacking works like it does on TV.

[@Firespawnable]

Good call.

[@EmpressofCornwall]

Sorry, I am not familiar with the term 'Soother' An explanation please?

[@tehsupervampy]

SHE DOES LOOK A LOT LIKE CLAUDIA. I LOVE IWTV.

[@Firespawnable]

Smeyer would rather Jacob be an imprinting pedophile to Bella's baby than for Jacob to end up with Bella. I almost don't blame her.

[@jlouisa]

What is transformed Bella holding?

[@animeotaku307]

No, I'm being sarcastic. It's the only way to deal with this PoS.

[@PhantomOfTheSchool]

They hired a MANHWA artist, that's why it's all wrong. Manhwa is Korean manga, and you know how they like wonky anatomy in their art.

[@shiannemcnair4026]

Am I the only person that has a problem saying Renesmee's full name out loud ?

[@thefruitsong]

Am I the only one who thinks she looks worse as a vampire?

[@Firespawnable]

I don't get the Reneesme height joke but why do I think it has something to do with pedophilia-sex? I hope that's it because your comment is making me think it's something worse.

[@Firespawnable]

I hope you're joking.