Dear Anxious Attachments: The First Steps to Overcoming Activating Strategies & Anxiety (FA's too!)

[@TatiTalks]

Fearful avoidant here. It’s always so reassuring to know that it’s not personal and there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just the brain’s way of coping. xD you’re not broken or damaged goods. It’s not some special force/higher power/twin flame connection or whatever preventing you from letting go. It’s just your mind trying to get your needs met in the quickest way possible. Needed this reminder today.

[@bellarose8511]

Seems to me like the recurring theme for the anxious preoccupied is “other” focused. They need other validation. They need other to meet needs. Others have damaged them in some way, etc. So wouldn’t the emotional goal to fix this problem be to learn how to let go of the idea of needing others for “whatever”? Learn to become more self sufficient. I think we give too much power to others. Be our own self & let the chips fall where they may.

[@nellautumngirl]

Absolutely. I have never liked to rely on myself, it's hard every time I go out into the world 'on my own'. I was often criticised and shamed as a child and my self-confidence is low. I don't trust my judgment. I feel safe when I am out with my partner, but when I am on my own I sweat, get social anxiety, panicky thoughts. It sounds so illogical, my partner is FA and he always tells me I can do all the things I'm afraid of. But my subconscious is an insecure, scared little girl :)

[@YOU-niter]

Bella Rose! Yes! What I’m trying to do for mySelf now.. get whole by mySelf 1st so the need to rely on getting that from someone else is no longer an issue! ❤

[@YOU-niter]

Ellen we need to get confidence classes etc & build our self esteem etc up❤

[@fatimaqueleme1043]

This is how APs become fearful avoidant. Once I got tired of feeling neglected and realized that other people cannot give what I need, I became avoidant and hyper independent, not relying on my partner for anything at all and unfortunately hurt some people this way because I wasn't receiving their love. Eventually tried to open up and become more secure but its not a perfect process. I still swing towards anxious or avoidant sometimes when I get trigerred. Which is why I'm here lol

[@letiziageltz1782]

Seeing if any AP or FA can relate: What I can't seem to get over is the fear that there is no "relationship in the long run". Most of my AP style comes from my caretaker being so unreliable emotionally. One day, they're telling everybody that I'm the best daughter in the world, the next day they're screaming at me for being an "arrogant and evil little brat" without me seeing the cause for either of those statements. Fights would break out if I said a meaningless thing like "Do we still have bread at home?", etc. So my constant fear is that if I don't "fix it" right now, there *is* no relationship tomorrow. I feel like every meaningless step could be the step that pushes my partner over the edge. What I wear. When I call. If I ask them to hang out. If I *don't* ask them to hang out. If I tell them that there's something bothering me. Sadly, I've mostly been involved with Avoidant individuals where that "Now you see me, now you don't" behavior actually *was* the case everytime, which just strengthend my fear. Can anybody relate to this? I mean, I'm aware of it and can even name the origin of this fear but the uncomfortable feeling never seems to go away.

[@taragaming2023YT]

Yes! Can't wait for more friendship videos as that's where my attachment issues show up the most.

[@Orisiya]

It sounds awesome in theory but it only works for small things, at least in my case. When I'm ignored by my avoidant partner...(and I mean like no contact for 5-6 days), on the 5th to 6th day, I am like a heroin addict in withdrawal. Barely functioning, no appetite, crying all the time, feeling absolutely lost and everything becomes meaningless. And nothing seems to really work. No matter what I am trying to tell myself. Does anyone experience something similar? I am trying really hard to "reprogram" myself but I feel really desperate that it might never work...

[@nataliyacenteno8521]

5-6 days? He’s got another family out there lol. Leave them. That’s just disrespectful. That’s a crazy long time.

[@tandlr72]

I can relate for sure. My avoidant does the same thing. It's always me thinking I did something wrong. But it's not just us. They can be kinder and not wait so long to communicate. It's hard being ignored. I just cant seem to let go either. Good luck and hope all is well for you

[@erxfav3197]

I think from my perspective it really just sounds like a lack of interest or serious issues on their side.. as well as the anxious attachers inability to meet their own needs/know what a healthy relationship dynamic looks like.. As well as the avoidant’s lack of working on themselves

[@mayaleela7749]

I'd say it is good to tune in to how does a healthy mature relationship looks like for you. To me personally, I'd say that I would like myself to feel relaxed if my partner does not respond to me (when I initiated communication) for like max. a day or something. I can imagine that something has happened, he is really busy or is going through something. After a day however though I would like someone to at least check in / communicate with me about their feelings / what is happening / request what it is they need (which may mean a few days of space / being alone, but then it is being done in a respectful way that is not disconnecting). In general communication is a really important value to me, so basically I'd expect my partner to generally not to ignore my messages / calls and respond generally speaking within a day (even if it is just to say, they are busy and will contact me the next day for example) unless of course they have already communicated with me that they will have a few busy days and are not available / might not be able to respond. So in this case I would say it is important that you define what is acceptable for you (which is of course different for everyone and depends on the kind of relationship as well) and communicate that to him. There is a healthy middle way that favours spaciousness & connection equally that is there to be discovered. In general though I think most secure people would agree that ignoring someone for days at a time is not respectful It does however also mean to look at any potential unrespectful behaviour in yourself from the other side that might evoke this in response. If you are pushy, needy and are putting out an energy of demanding his time & attention at any given moment / overly communicate or expect them to answer always right away, this will evoke more avoidant energy from him. He might not feel enough spaciousness / freedom and might not feel safe to express a need for space when he knows this will trigger huge fears / emotional explosion, so the only way he then knows to get space is to close down / disconnect and basically just take it

[@berfin5865]

Same happens to me and it's so painful

[@zigazagaaddiction]

Video request: how to respond and handle the fearful avoidant ending things, either because they were triggered by something we did (e.g knowing they did not meet some expectation, us being upset for something they did even if in a peaceful way, feeling accused / demanded too much of) or because they felt like there was too much involvement too quickly. I don't mean just in longer term relationships, but mainly in the first stages of talking and dating. Video suggestion / request #2: How each attachment style responds to what could be stressors and issues during this covid pandemic - how it affects their attachment styles. Thanks, love you!

[@joshschoenly2777]

These are great points, thanks

[@dalton-at-work]

been looking for this video for days. thank you so much :)

[@joansandeen9443]

Thank you, Thais, you're helping me so much! ❤

[@thevent8059]

My ex partner told me he needed time to himself and I started crying lmaooo. I had no idea why I reacted that badly but thank God he didn’t shame me for it lmaoo. Now I know 😩

[@carlosmelian3057]

You have basically described mindfulness

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Girl you are gold. Solid gold fire! ❤❤❤. Wow babe. Praising God for you right now. Jesus. You put it all together in one place. Romantic relationship solutions. Healing core wounds. (All the skills you need for that. Emotional regulation boundaries etc). Oh my goodness! Hallelujah! ❤❤❤❤. Jesus. I’m definitely a disciple love. We are working together sometime in the future for sure girl.

[@Sprinkles538]

I know this video is a few years old but thank you for opening my eyes to my own behavior.

[@Twissstyyy]

Thank you for all the helpful videos! And you are beautiful!

[@pikapoka17]

How can a partner help the anxiously attached person heal their attachment wounds? I would really appreciate some input. Thank you!

[@scuffy1211]

A partner can help by being consistent. Communicate when you want to take space instead of disappearing. Also encourage the AP to build a relationship with themselves. To check in and notice how they feel. To help them find ways to meet some of their own needs as opposed to always seeking that with their partner.

[@jt9096]

@@scuffy1211 Stephaine as an anxious preoccupied you put the words together perfectly.

[@DrLoNoel]

@@scuffy1211 yes, as someone with AP attachment style, this would work perfectly for me.

[@SteezyDollIsabel]

It feels horrible its like your mind just wants to push everyone away... but great tips❤️🙏🏼

[@jayolareid4565]

I usually had an avoidant attachment style but fell for a partner with the same attachment style as i had now im i have an anxious attachment style

[@Maturelyme]

Wow this actually very helpful thank you 🙏🏾

[@suset813]

My first time being first 🥳 ...not gonna waste it lol...great content and it’s very helpful in my situation...I’d like to get info on how we can wipe our slates clean, I want to start afresh and become a health minded individual ...appreciate your help

[@zigazagaaddiction]

Also, not sure if you have this in your school, but please can you do courses on the different attachment pairings in relationships - that would deeply help so many people. For example a course on anxious - fearful avoidant, anxious - anxious, etc. Would be absolutely brilliant.

[@marcd2743]

Anything with a dismissive avoidant is suicide.

[@winniemarcelin8827]

one thing i started doing is when i catch myself thinking of those stories i stop and say out loud “that’s a possible scenario!” then i laugh at myself lol silly brain

[@alexandrasmith5323]

I would love to see more videos like this about reprogramming. Me (aa) and my partner (da) have recently split and I always had a hard time being okay with him needing so much space. I always told myself it’s because he didn’t like me anymore even though I knew needing space is normal. I really want to reprogram that kind of thinking

[@LucaAnamaria]

Needing space is normal but so is needing connection. It's up to both partners to decide on a compromise. It's not up to the AA to just learn how to give the partner space without vouching for our own needs at the same time.

[@TheMoustachedunicorn]

@@LucaAnamaria I needed to hear this. For the longest time I thought I was always in the wrong for not being able to accommodate for his need of space, but I did always strive for a compromise and he never wanted to do that.

[@skylar1727]

There is an energy that you need to give space as well. It's okay to need space and to give it, but if the da feels you are resentful of giving space then you are not giving them what they need. It needs to be given freely out of love and care.

[@lauramiles8986]

I noticed you mentioned in one of your videos that anxious attachments won't sometimes leave relationships that they should leave. How on earth does a person know when they should leave a relationship if they are anxiously attached? How do we know if a relationship is good for us and meeting our needs? I understand we have to meet our own needs but partners still share in this.

[@thamphan5884]

I was in that situation. I know pretty clear our relationship is toxic, but i couldn't end it.

[@novasboots]

Oh, the pain! I stayed for 7 years with a man I knew I should have left after the 1st year. Nice guy but an Avoidant. I was more into commitment and closeness. He couldn't get comfortable with very close emotional bonds. That caused me pain. He was inconsistent and didn't make me feel secure. Being an Anxious myself, it caused me to really live in fear of what finally happened 6 months ago. He said he didn't know if he loved me anymore. I have gone through so much trauma since then. I've not gone overboard, but I've texted crying and emailed screaming. He's so afraid of confrontation that he never answered. You don't want to hear the whole story, but he's also very emotionally dysfunctional. I tried to get him help and I loved him to pieces, and I got dumped and then disregarded like I never existed. People told me to leave him 6 years ago. But we anxious styles can't imagine living without them. We have to change ourselves. I'm in therapy now and doing work with GPYB, Women Who Love too Much, Codependent No More, and a lot of reading/videos/journaling/affirmations to heal from Anxious Attachment. It takes a lot of work, but we can only change ourselves and learn who NOT to date. And if we start to notice signs of an Avoidant or any other problems, we leave. It may hurt, but we need to get to the point that we will not put up with being treated less than we deserve to be.

[@katerinadi3158]

This video is gold! Thank you so much!

[@C53Maximoff]

omg thais all these videos! you are legit the queen of attachment styles. I tried to book in a one on one session on your website, however it seems that they are all booked up. I will send an email through

[@KWk-dg9uc]

I have a question, do you have course and videos on codependency and boundaries? Anxious attachment here, really need to learn new ways to be able to operate as secure. Thank you so much for your hard work! ❤️

[@maumihajohn]

Loving your content!

[@BizGenGirl]

Could you do some videos on how to communicate effectively with each attachment style in getting them to understand the value in being a healthy loving co-parent to their own kids when they're using pity plays and victim mode to avoid accountability?

[@cinneadken]

I have a strange situation that's causing me serious anxiety that the strategies don't seem to fit in my mind. I'm AP, and about 6 weeks ago my DA broke up with me. My activating strategies caused me to beg, plead, try to close the gap but at the time obviously nothing worked. So I said I'd stop pushing for 30 days and check in then to see how she feels, and if nothing changed I'd step back. So, I've been in NC since and the 30 days is almost up (it will be this coming weekend). I'm overthinking whether to actually reach out and call her or not. My fear is if I don't call, I won't be consistent to my word. But if I do call and she's still in numb/relief phase, I'll just set her DA deactivation off again and set my no contact efforts back even farther. What should I do? My thoughts and awareness and other patterns Thais mentions above are so confused - if I do reach out I'm worried I'll basically piss her off, but if I don't I'm not being consistent with my word that I said I would...

[@LucaAnamaria]

Omg I can relate to this so much. I'm not sure I have a good answer for you. As an outsider though, my first question would be: did you both agree to touch base in 30 days or is this something just you said you would do? Did your ex agree or were they just silent? If you had a mutual agreement, I think it would be fine to reconnect. If you just said you'd do it and your ex didn't seem thrilled or was silent, this is more complicated. If your ex responded by saying they don't want you to contact them in 30 days, then that's a hard boundary that needs to be respected. The first step I think is to recognize that you're becoming anxious and to do everything you can to center and ground yourself. Get enough sleep, eat three meals a day, do some exercise, breathe deeply and meditate or whatever else you need to do to meet your own needs and soothe yourself and get yourself to a place of calm. Remind yourself that you matter and whether or not this person wants to hear from you is far less important than you actually being there for yourself. Then once you're calm, try to consult your gut...if it really matters to stay true to your word, you could always send ONE SHORT (like 1-3 lines) message offering the option to reconnect to reassess but reiterating that your ex is free to decline. You also need to be ready to respect that boundary (knowing that a decline will probably trigger you all over again so you'll need to calm yourself down again). The other option is just going straight into grieving the end of the relationship if you feel they won't want to hear from you. Honestly, as a fellow AA, my gut tells me that it's always easier for us to rely on our activating strategies to delay the ultimate letting go of DAs / FAs. We're not good at letting go and that's usually the lesson we're supposed to be practicing. But this is just my two cents. I'm struggling a lot now too and sometimes my brain feels upside down and I can rationalize myself out of and into lots of things. Whatever you choose to do, please make sure that it's coming from a place of love and kindness and respect for yourself. Xo

[@LucaAnamaria]

One more thing...one of the wonderful and painful things about NC is that it allows us to actually assess why the relationship fell apart in the first place (and to learn more about ourselves, who we are, and what we need as individuals). Sometimes 30 days is not enough. For me, it definitely wasn't. So it's good to consult with your own feelings here too. Are YOU truly ready to reconnect? How do YOU feel about this person as a partner? Sure, they rejected you, but us AAs tend to hang on to everyone including the people not meant for us in a desperate effort to make it work. Were YOU happy in the relationship? Were YOUR needs being met? All good things to consider.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hi cinneadken, a viewer had emailed us and asked us to post this video for you: kzbin.info/www/bejne/p6O5ZYinbt6miZI. She said she was in a very similar situation and went into No Contact with her ex for 6 weeks and it turned out very well for her. I encourage you to watch the video as it will help you immesnely in your current situation! Thank you! PDS Team

[@cinneadken]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you so much PDS team. I actually watched the three parts of that video series, a lot of great information (thanks again Thais for making these incredible videos!)

[@tandlr72]

@@LucaAnamaria thank you. I really needed to read that. Lots of blessings to you for your wise words

[@brittyj.6060]

My subconscious played a role in me losing a DA who was actually semi working to change wish I got all these videos earlier in life but I guess everything happens when & how they’re supposed to still hurts tho & it’s only been 2 weeks 😩

[@marcd2743]

Wouldn't have mattered. Your DA will eventually suicide the relationship once they realize they are changing.

[@jesam3031]

Best line of the video, your subconscious mind needs to be taught not conscious mind!

[@hahabadinfluencer]

U r a star

[@bluenightsky]

I've watched sevaral of your videos and find them helpful, but one question keeps coming up over and over again for me. Yes, someone with an unhealthy attachment style might assume wrongly why someone is doing what they're doing. But let's be real here, most people don't have healthy attachment styles. So the likelihood that the unhealthy attachment style is wrong all of the time because of their triggered, unconscious emotional responses is not true. Sometimes (I fond more often than not) these people that someone is involved with, is trying to emotionally manipulate them into feeling a certain way. Example is someone not texting back until you have done so first or purposely wanting days to respond to make someone want you more, or criticizing you to make themselves feel better. I can personally say I have experienced all three of these things. So what about when the unhealthy attachment style person is right about their fears? Then what? This is why I partly believe in your strategies but partly don't because sometimes my internal feelings have been right. I don't mean to criticize your methods. I really enjoy your videos. I'm just stating my own personal opinions about how maybe you can improve them and address both when someone's triggered feeling are right and when they are wrong, and how to deal with both situations.

[@skwerl81]

Shannon S Hi Shannon! Yes, she does address this in the courses and webinars inside the school. The strategy there is basically to consider what it is that you need in that moment, and then find a way to meet it that does not involve the other person, so that you are not dependent on them for your emotional well-being. Hope that's helpful!

[@skwerl81]

Shannon S also, communication is key! If you have a need and communicate it to the person, how do they react? It seems to me that if someone is never texting you back first, then that's really a conversation that needs to be had (in a calm, non-anxious, non-accusing way ;D)

[@bluenightsky]

@@skwerl81 thanks for your responses! I guess what I mean is when people play "the game" or whatever you want to call it. Basically, when people purposely do certain behaviors to make you feel a certain way. I just used the texting thing as an example. A lot of what I'm talking about can be found in magazines or videos with title like, "How to make them miss you" or "How to make them want you more". I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense. Hope it does. 😊

[@skwerl81]

Shannon S yes, I think I see what you mean! Thanks for explaining. I would say that in that type of situation, once you've questioned your stories, you can then go to the person to express your need. I.e., something like, "Hey when I text you in the morning and I don't hear back from you until the evening, I feel unimportant or like less of a priority, etc. I would really appreciate it if you could shoot me a text back within a few hours, even if it's just to let me know that you'll respond more in depth later. It would help me feel more connected in the relationship." ...just as an example. (And Thais has communication tools / guidelines that are helpful as well.) At that point, it gives them an opportunity to either agree to meet your needs, or not. And if they are unable to meet your needs, you can then make the choice to not pursue the relationship, or to stay but to start to work on meeting the need yourself. I hope that makes sense and is helpful!

[@tandlr72]

@@skwerl81 for me it was helpful. Thank you. I just need to step away and it's so so hard. I expressed my feelings only to he ignored by my avoidant. I just need to figure out how to meet my needs of being a glutton for punishment

[@marcorivera2281]

Does this apply to friendships as well?

[@johannaj1522]

OK so I’m interested and ready to invest if I have the means. Just one question; You always mention that you have a ton of information in the school.. This actually scares me and could be a hinderence because I am too mentally exhausted to roam through material. Are there guides to using the material? Are there steps, courses, etc? Thanks in advance!

[@ekaterinakozmina9496]

How to build the best way relationships with a mother who has an anxious attachment style? How to do it effectively without harming myself? P.S. thank you Thais for doing such a great job by production your podcasts

[@AllHallowsevethe13th]

I’m just finding out that I have this attachment style today... after the guy that I was dating said I’m too much to deal with and said he doesn’t want the relationship anymore... 😔 now I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.

[@debramcmartin905]

Aliendreams 78. Can relate to your comment.I spent 10 months of being with him before he dumped me.I guess I was too hard to be with because of my Anxious Attachment. I will never forget what he told me when he dumped me. But it made me feel worthless and betrayed.

[@michellenicolesantos]

We will be okay :(( i can relate and I got dumped 3 days ago

[@Nightswim_]

This video makes me wonder if anxious attachment and binge eating are related

[@KWk-dg9uc]

Briliant, when the new courses will be available? I am interested in recovery after break up..Suffering a lot right now. I am anxious attachment, have been dumped... :(

[@amymjay]

It's up now! :)

[@Thirdeyegallery]

Very velpful information..I would love it if you could talk a bit slower and pause more between statements..Thank you

[@adrianaramirez5217]

What other videos do u have that can help the anxious attachment. Can you shift from being one attachment style to the other. I've felt I've been anxious avoidance before and now I'm full blown anxious

[@sarahstrupinski3870]

Would it be possible to get therapy from you somehow

[@jenniferlogiurato-rider3585]

I hate this ... I don't want to be like this.... I am working so hard to fix it.... I want it to go away... Ughhhh

[@sandrad9740]

Hi, is these activating strategies and reprogramming part of one of the courses offered in the school please?

[@jordanlevitt1638]

It's in her AA course, some of it is also in the Emotional mastery course, though all her courses have some sort of reprogramming in it but these two have the activating strategy reprogramming :)

[@sandrad9740]

@@jordanlevitt1638 thanks for that will check them out!

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

⚽️ 🌕 ☮️ ♻️ ❤ Your voice,energy, glowing happiness and awareness you share are so soothing & healing 💕 Happy Sunday to you Thais 10/1/23 10:41am

[@EmceePinks]

Wow talk about a niche video made just for me hahaha

[@kenthorne7056]

Too vague. How about concrete specific examples of what to do when your partner distances

[@jwest9155]

Pro-see-sees Lol processes???

[@danielmortensen1219]

Talk to fast