How to overcome an anxious attachment style

[@tishaa9069]

I have anxious attachment and idk why my bf is still with me but I'm glad that he is. If 3/4 hours go by that he doesn't text me i start getting anxious and I over/double text. I ask multiple times a week if everything is okay with us 🤦‍♀️ I worry about running out of things to text with him about and I worry when I don't hear from him constantly. I'm a mess but I'm working on it with a therapist

[@Imiface]

I can relate to that and I do feel very often the same. It's somewhat reassuring that others are also struggling with this, so I'm not alone. :) But you need to know that you are not a mess, you are not your feelings. Keep up the work with your therapist (I do the same), and believe me, it will get better!

[@jennahope4353]

guys, we hit 6 months yesterday and my bf told me almost everything these videos are saying. it's been a week without physical contact. I can feel the growing pain.

[@hsj.124]

I'm so proud of you that you're working on it. So glad to know it. Btw I'm 19 and don't have money to go to therapy and I still don't know how to heal it 😢

That is exactly what I’m like, I get absolutely terrified and overthink then guess what I spoked my now ex GF (she was an major avoidance type) I grab on to her as I’ve got major low self esteem

@@jennahope4353I’m in week 3 of no contact and it’s fkn killing me

[@zoomzii_2619]

I recently lost a friend because of this, I placed a lot of pressure on them and I ended up overwhelming them. They meant a lot to me, so I decided that I'll start to improve myself so this doesn't happen again.

[@nutellafrogs4269]

I cannot verbally express how much these fi days help me -entp

[@Batrick5959]

honestly, thank you. ive been living through hell for the last 2 weeks, having random anxiety attacks and dming my best friend at random times just cause m scared that ill lose him (its a friendship of 14 years) seeking for that validation, personally i cherish friendships more than relationships, but this one friendship is just above everything for me, my friend kinda does complete me and makes me feel like home, yet i started to notice that im going into the anxious attachment hole, and im deep inside of it rn. your tips are helpful and honestly after I watched the video it kinda gave me a secure feeling.

[@WJT225]

INTJ with Anxious Preoccupied and all of this is spot on. I needed the person to whom I felt attached as much as possible, and when there was no contact and I tried to focus on other things, most of my thoughts were focused on how to set things up so I could drop everything immediately if the other person reached out. All of my most stressful Ni-Fi loops happened with situations where my AP attachment style just amplified everything. Anytime I had a concern or felt a need that I should have expressed, I was too terrified to express it because what if it was enough to push the other person away and make them realize they could do so much better than me. I've been working on it now since pushing away someone very recently with my bad habits stemming from this, but I can still feel these anxieties constantly informing every thought process (even if I'm lucky enough to say that these are getting weaker over time).

[@infdox9051]

It's normal for an INTJ to suffer from paranoia and expect betrayal --- coz that will happen!

[@andziagreen4922]

I hear you. I was there all my life and stopped dating coz I don't know what is normal and healthy communication. I never learned this.

[@BrodieBr0]

Love you plugging therapy as well! I don't like the stigma that sometimes surrounds it putting shame or embarrassment on someone attending therapy. People should be congratulated for getting help! Glad it improved your mental health, as it did for me as well. Excellent advice here too! I suffered from attatchment issues just like this when I was younger too. Self love...mind, body, and, soul is something I wish for all humans to achieve. Said it before and once again, I LOVE your intelligence as much as the humor, thanks for sharing Kristin! God bless!

[@KM-fd8bw]

Of all the MBTI/16-personalities-skit channels, yours is my favorite. So glad you’re doing this work. ❤, a grateful ENFP

[@techi747]

being alone does not help, you have to feel your life with things you love and satisfy it

[@nickmerchant4588]

Thanks as always! I’ve found value in every one of the Fi-days videos. Here, I really liked, the “would a completely healthy version of me…” question since it can be applied to so many situations, both interpersonal and personal. Really, just getting in the habit of thinking about “a completely healthy version of me” as something that can exist is majorly helpful.

[@restlessmosaic]

I've not been able to use this exact question yet. I usually guess that a completely healthy version of me wouldn't socially interact (b/c what would I need from people if I'm secure, and why would I impinge on their time absent a need?), so...erm...yeah. But I have gotten good mileage out of similar analyses. I can analyze my content neutrality better than my healthy version, and in this context content neutrality is closer to healthy.

[@BrodieBr0]

Totally agree! Getting in the mindset of thinking about ''a completely healthy version of me'' is a great bit of self therapy. Every little thing we can do to increase our self esteem and self love makes us healthier mentally and physically.

[@restlessmosaic]

You might find this tragicomic: As an INTP raised by emotion-burying parents, my acne-style breakouts of anxious attachment across my face and in my gut were what I thought Fi *was.* Because I was out there expressing my emotions for practically the first time! I'm finally not holding back! It, um...seems that's not Fi after all. After some attachment improvements, now I'm in a stage of envious mourning that others got to express feelings strongly in young adulthood, while my strong expressions of feelings were almost always inappropriate due to anxious attachment. And that means that healthy me will express emotions about as nonexistently as the kid me that was forbidden from several emotions. Like, it feels like I'm evolving from sick robot to sick human to healthy robot. It's easy enough to go back to a robot - INTPs gonna INTP - but it just feels bleak. How do I know if I care about something enough to talk it out if it isn't literally destroying me? What even is a need other than life-or-death stuff anyway (because less than that is just a want)? And how can I respect anything one could label my need when all such things are coated in dysfunction? I assume a lot of Fi users are thinking for a split-second, "how could someone not know their needs?" Welcome to INTP-world. I'm your host, Bots-Can-Feel-Love-Too.

[@pmj_studio4065]

INTP here, not knowing my needs is so true xD Or rather not having needs, except for when I actually... need something. I guess that's one reason I don't like gifts - they are usually completely unnecessary. I mean, if I didn't ask for something, it probably means I don't need it xD About respecting my needs - assuming I want to do something useful in life, I need to keep myself in good physical and mental shape, which -unfortunately- also includes dealing with feelings. I think that's logical enough.

[@restlessmosaic]

@@pmj_studio4065 That last paragraph is about where I've gotten to. I can understand it all better as making my existing endeavors durable/sustainable, rather than envisioning some happier life.

[@talllighthouse]

I've always despised my emotions because they make living so complicated. You think you're taking the most rational decisions for yourself but then you end up unhappy for some reason. Why do I have to like my job? Why do I have to love my partner? Can't a mutually beneficial relationship be good enough? ughhh. But I'm trying to mature and see emotions differently. I imagine that planning my life is like building a house, and the house sits on a terrain. Emotions are just as real as the slopes in the terrain. Even if they make zero sense and they are completely irrational, they are still there and I'm going to have to take them into consideration. It makes building the house way more complicated but if I try to be positive I'd say it's also an interesting challenge.

[@restlessmosaic]

@@talllighthouse I like this perspective. (Also, it's lovely to see your name pop up - we talked quite a lot and pretty seriously on this channel one time and since then I periodically hope you're okay.)

[@talllighthouse]

@@restlessmosaic oof I hope I didn't worry you. sorry if I did. I am now reminded that I need to listen to your new album. Also you intrigue me and I'd love to take this conversation somewhere private if you're up for it (feel free to reject me, I can take it). You know how to do that on KZbin or shall I figure it out?

[@keharacek]

I relate to this so much. Due to my kinda rough upbringing I had extremely low self esteem and sense of identity. This made me to always look for validation in a partner, but many people, especially the touchy-feely types I am attracted towards, get this sentiment and will pull away. This then feeds into the vicious cycle of trying to get in touch, but it just makes things worse. The absolute worst what I've yet got to go through was relationships with people who have avoidant attachment style. Upon any sign of anxiety from my side, there's a huge change they will pull away due to their own issues. Anxious+Avoidant can be quite brutal, but it really got me to think and look deeper into it. Getting to know about attachment style theory was a massive eye-opener. Btw, good tips! For me doing a self-reflection/mindfullnes practice has been so far the best solution.

[@btxbst]

Your video helped me to realize that I'm actually able to change those unhealthy patterns in my relationships, so now I'm full of motivation to do it! Thank you very much!

[@hilly5488]

This was awesome. I was searching for this exact thing and for a while I was finding ones rather overtly not for men or not digestible by a man. I truly appreciate it.

[@kaliah1494]

I really appreciated this content. I'm an anxiously attached ENFP who has been in this kind of pseudo-relationship with an avoidantly attached ENTP. It can be sometimes difficult, but I've been trying to learn enough to overcome.

[@natejakubowski4174]

This is an incredibly well-done video, and I'll share it with my friends. Anxious attachment is tricky in that one would assume putting more emphasis and dedication to the relationship would be helpful, when in actuality it can lead to suffocating it. Thanks for sharing.

[@FlamingCockatiel]

That is a nice summary.

[@gouki4u]

I'm an INTP with avoidant attachment style. I used to be with someone who had anxious attachment style, but at the time I just believed that's how weirdly emotional humans were. It was a disaster. I wish I had understood at the time where their anxieties were coming from, but it manifested as a lack of trust and inability to do things on their own. I hope they have moved on and healed. Given that I've told my best friend on multiple occasions I'd rather set myself on fire than be in another serious relationship, I don't think I have.

[@dearkristin]

Thanks for the comment. Wounds from such relationships can be super hard to navigate, but it's totally possible 💪 Good of you to acknowledge you might not have healed!

[@Filipkasic]

Such an interesting perspective coming from an anxious attachment. Me having an avoidant style entirely shifts the narrative compared to yours. Instead of the situation being that everyone else is the best and that they deserve everything meanwhile you are not worthy, in my situation its the opposite, I am the only one I can rely on and that everyone else has and will do me harm and they do not deserve the best. But as you said, the best antidote to any behavior that is toxic is to do the activity you find bad in a healthy way and try to convince and prove to yourself that the opposite is possible. For the anxious attachment spending time alone, trying to figure themselves out and how cool they are is the antidote, while for the avoidant spending as much time with others and interacting as possible is the key. Truly a duality of nature and two ends of the unhealthy spectrum.

[@annajednacz4295]

Love this "asking yourself questions" before sending the text technique. Thank you!

[@Meg_intheclouds]

Omg this is perfect! Learning I had an anxious attachment style was a game changer because now I’m aware of it- especially with a bf with a dismissive avoidant- part of my anxious attachment presents in that I am also hesitant to attach at first because I don’t want to be too clingy and then I get attached and then it’s like the fear of becoming too much. It’s something we are both working on and how we can accommodate each other’s attachments as we continue to grow and bond. It’s one of the reason my pasg relationship didn’t work out in that they had a fearful avoidant attachment and it was just messy in that sense, because they got scared and detached and I was still clinging and then freaked and then it got a bit too much. So now I’m scared to get attached but also feel myself getting attached- I tend to get it more with friends than romantic partners though- like I will receive a text message and overthink that they hate me when I’ve actually been giving no evidence of that. This is why therapy works a charm lol Edit: Should probably clarify me and my ENTJ boyfriend are still very much together and it’s going well! He is also in therapy. It still is present in this relationship but we seem to have a good understanding of what we both need, and just click really well :D

[@restlessmosaic]

Have you found that you respond quickly to messages both for your own attachment and in case the other person is anxiously attached? I do that. (I also just don't want to forget to respond to a message, of course, because I will forget if I don't do it immediately or if I don't put a note in my phone to do it.)

[@BrodieBr0]

Awww, once again Meg your comment was longer than mine. I need to step up my game! 🤣Jokes aside, sorry to hear about your anxios attachment and your BF breaking up. :( When I was younger, I had huge issues with that too because it's so hard for me to connect with someone on that deep of a level so when I do, I don't want to lose that person. That in turn also made me both clingy and scared to try and connect with anyone so I didn't risk finding that deep connection then lose it. Therapy has helped me too! I learned to deeply connect with myself, and love myself making me free connect and make friends with people regardless if it's deep or not. Every one of them still contributes greatly to my life. It's so important we take care of mental health as equally as physical health. Love Kristin's community SO much and everyone in it. It's like having a bunch of amesome therapists on standby at all times. haha

[@jashepoon]

So sorry to hear about your gf breaking up Meg... Hope you're happy with your bf now! Aw that's great Br0die. Yeah this community is awesome, including yourself! And Kristin, thank you for being vulnerable with us and caring about our mental health :) (That short story was a joke! You didn't have to make a whole video just to call me out! jk jk)

[@BrodieBr0]

@@jashepoon Thanks so much Jashe! I never thought when I discovered MBTI it would become just more than a current fascination. Instead, I got to become a member of an amazing community. Kristin, you, Meg, and all the others are the amazing!

[@Meg_intheclouds]

@@restlessmosaic oh yeah! I constantly overthink! Especially as quite a few of my friends also have anxious attachments

[@timebemyfriend]

I greatly appreciate this video. I'm currently working on and trying to heal my anxious attachment style and be more secure. I've just about ruined my relationship with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I very much want to be better. It does make it really difficult when I live in the same house as my parents, as they are the main factor in what made me the way I am. It's hard doing the work oftentimes because I don't exactly have my own space. If anyone else has dealt with a similar situation, any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[@vickyd7541]

Gosh, I do need therapy! I have anxious attachment style but the limiting belief that I m unlikable and a burden keeps me from ever trying to form relationships. I've been rejected and it only deepened my wound. We adapt through different coping behaviors, some getting clingy or codependent. This introvert and HSP built her own secure little world of self sufficiency, with solid walls around it, while inside suffering in silence.

[@douglasandrews8977]

I am a thinker who finished the video, but I always do so. As an ISTJ, I am very thorough.

[@KierstynStJohn]

Fantastic video, Kristin! All the things you’ve listed off have helped me as well. This attachment style can affect any mbti type. I’m an ENTJ and would have never thought I’d have this issue but when my friendships all started to go poorly and I wound up in therapy, I found out that I did. Overtime, I’ve been able to choose new behaviors and even have been able to lessen the fear and anxiety a little bit as well. Mainly through the tactics you already mentioned. One more thing: if anyone else has this issue, I highly recommend the book “Love Me Don’t Leave Me” by Michelle Skeen. It has a workbook/journal in there that’s great for processing all this stuff too.

[@dearkristin]

Amazing! Thanks for sharing 😁

[@mudholeoutdoors3049]

After 50 years, I FINALLY understand myself in my relationships. Your explanation was exactly like you were in my head and knew my childhood. The path to healing is underway, thanks to your message in this video. Thank you.

[@Spectacular-Spider-Dan]

You post your videos exactly when I wake up, amazingly enough. This is great timing for me to advertise your patreon as soon as possible.

[@dearkristin]

Appreciated, as always!

[@Spectacular-Spider-Dan]

@@dearkristin 🙂

[@cosmicgirl7288]

Living with this is so horrifying. I hate it, I thought I was past it, I worked so hard but as soon as I found myself liking someone so much I’m having an anxiety just wondering with he’ll stop talking to me, won’t reply, or is getting attached to someone else. I feel like I’ll never find someone who likes me mutually. I have a crippling fear or rejection after experiencing it for so long even when I’m a beautiful, worthy, kind person. I hate it. I don’t know how to fix it but I hope these videos help. 🥲😔 it makes me not want to connect to anyone again.

[@GregorianWater]

wow i really needed to read your comment.. i am in tears watching this video...i like you also have a picture of the virgin mary. this is such a painful painful painful thing to go through. I pray to God to helps me and you heal.

[@jrwheeler81]

Same! I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now after my husband passed away in 2022 and I STILL significantly struggle with anxious attachment and fear of abandonment. It's absolutely terrible.

[@squirrelking5203]

This explains a lot for me. I've been somewhat aware for some of the unhealthy attachment styles I have for a while but have never known what to do about them. This video was extremely helpful for identifying certain behaviors and learning what to do when feeling drawn towards them. Hopefully this will help me in the future.

[@dearkristin]

I'm so glad!

[@erkkapehto9125]

Thank you so much for this video, it really hits deep in me. I've gone through several breakups from which I've been left. It has really lowered my self-esteem, self-worth and I've developed a fear of rejection. I've got a lot of things to process at the moment and I'm going to therapy. Great to hear therapy has worked out for you. I really like your videos! Much warmth from an INFJ

[@dearkristin]

Thanks so much. Glad the video was helpful for you. Keep fighting the good fight!

[@anna-uo2ug]

watching this while I panic the hell out of me cuz my bf didn't text back for 18 hours, can't take my breathe properly or even work or eat, man that's sick

[@srijeetasaha3865]

Here, your boyfriend is the problem, my dear 😢

[@jrwheeler81]

I totally feel you. However, I do think that 18 hours is an excessive amount of time for someone who you are in a relationship with to not text back, unless of course there were extenuating legitimate circumstances that absolutely prevented him from doing so. I get panicked when my boyfriend goes more than 2 hours without texting me!

[@anna-uo2ug]

@@jrwheeler81 good news, we broke up. I thought i was overreacting and anxious but it seems the problem was my bf you're right guys, thanks

[@nathansmith7938]

Wow! This was so good and so helpful. I have struggled with anxious attachment for years but had no idea what it was. Like you said in the video, I just assumed that was the way I loved and it was to much for most people to handle. I am going to practice the tips you shared. And I watched until the end!

[@Maeve143]

I am 15 yo , i already lost like four friends in one year , my anxious attachment is getting the better of me , im glad i saw this so it doesn’t affect further relationships i have with other friends

[@MK-oo7it]

Your video was incredible, thank you a thousand times!! I'm working on my attachment style in addition to my ADHD diagnosis. Thank you, I share with my loved ones, so that there are more people who feel good about themselves!❤

[@moofyplays]

I think my biggest issue is that idk when it's me who's being overly needy or suspicious or insecure or when it's the other person who is being abusive. I fear working on myself and being secure with my relationship and the other person taking advantage of me. It's practically a paranoia. And I think that's partly due to past relationships where I got nothing bit reassurance, I felt secure and I trusted them and then they used me, betrayed me, or manipulated me.

[@redrbobe]

This is by far the most helpful video I've seen for anxious attachment styles. Some other videos I watched tried framing it as not a problem when that couldn't have been farther from the truth for me.

[@kevinlowe87ify]

Getting into this after figuring out about my anxious detachment issues then I realize after watching this video I’ve already started working on the healing process of this so it became less daunting. Thank you.

[@Raphsophomes]

A self preserving 4 esfp, thats actually interesting. Even more impressive that you figured this out. Something i learned on my own as a boxer with severe ptsd, talk to your body like its another person. Because it doesnt know any better, positive affirmations aren't the only thing. Sometimes its just saying "hey man, were gonna be okay." Ik that sounnds redundant and im not saying to repress your emotions, i just mean ground your body and not just your perception. Often times an emotionally traumatic event is remembered by your body, and it literally has no clue. Give yourself a hot chocolate as if its a kid. This seems silly, but i want you to try it. Its eerie how well it works. My favorite video you've made. Ima look into this stuff as i DEFINITELY have this issue, have been aware of it in my own subjective way, and ive been actually taking a lot of the steps by coincidence, i can affirm its validity, however it is NOT as easy as one might think when visualizing ahead. Despite me having much healthier boundaries, and being more honest, my heart Still pounds at random when texting people i really care about, and i do struggle to express anything without a million thoughts racing. My one issue with this though is like... i dont wanna pretend, or like... act a certain way to not scare someone off. I aspire first and foremost to my own growth, i cant stand the idea of being aware of an issue and not dealing with it in myself, but at the same time i dont really think i want a relationship where its all about like.... being healthy... that should be the goal, but not the basis.... thats just another cultural issue in of itself... I think if you get grossed out by a person instead of communicating, that's not something you adapt to. Thats a problem too.

[@LeighBeerens]

One of the best videos ive seen explaining this

[@trinaq]

Thank you so much for educating us on the Anxious Attachment Style, Kristin. I definitely struggle with communicating my needs and having them met, so I need to work on this aspect.

[@jadeleanne4738]

You broke his down so beautifully and it was super helpful and encouraging thank you.x

[@Tionaintown876]

At 25 I’ve had 3 serious relationships and looking back my anxious attachment has only come to my attention in my last relationship (3 years). Why did I never have this problem before? I remember having this problem as a child in regards to my parents but never for a friend/boyfriend until recently.

[@jennahope4353]

same! we hit 6 months yesterday. i think bc he's the 1st i am being most vulnerable with. coming into with some therapy before my attachment was even addressed 🙏🏼

[@marthacano4841]

It could also be because your person has an attachment style also. I read that in the book attached check it out it helps a lot!

[@jrwheeler81]

It could definitely be something about your partner's attachment style that is triggering your anxious attachment in your most recent relationship. It could be that they have more of an avoidant attachment style, which DEFINITELY will trigger someone with a more anxious attachment. I have big time anxious attachment and my boyfriend of the past almost 2 years is the exact opposite and has fairly strong avoidant tendencies, which can be a big trigger for me.

[@ThomasRussell-xo1gl]

INTP. Made it to the end! Found this helpful. It's just what I needed!

[@dominoot2652]

This is great and also even applicable to people who don't normally watch you. A good topic

[@FollowingJesus17]

If he goes more than a couple of hours likr 12 hours or 24 hours with out a message I freak out. Can't eat can't sleep and then the toxic shame tape starts to play. This is a very helpful video. You explain well

[@N0L.]

Nothing related but 16 personnalities sitting on a chair would be cool. Thanks for doing educating us and for the helpful videos concerning traumas, much appreciated 👍

[@esmayavuz863]

I am an INTP who had avoidant attachment style and I’m currently a psychology student. The thing is, most of the problems with attachment style comes from a certain fear. (In my case I was afraid of the reactions of others if I were to show my emotions. Also was afraid of being vulnerable.) Fear is something that we learn with conditioned learning. (Pavlov’s dog remember?) for avoidant attachment for example, a person gets punishment whenever they are vulnerable or tell their emotions thus they associate emotions with that punishment. (As how the dog associates light with the food and starts salivating.) Ending up perceiving emotions as something negative or having connections with other people. But this is something that can be solved. Conditioned learning decays over the time if the reward/punishment is no longer reinforced. (The dog will no longer salivate if food does not come up after the light repeatedly.) There’s also spontaneous recovery but let’s leave it for now. So as for us, humans. We will get over the negative association only IF we share emotions in a environment where there will be no punishment for it. (That environment can also be therapy, yes.) and come to realization that showing emotions does no longer leads to punishment. But disregarding your fears and act against to that is no simple task to do. However recognition and acceptance is always the first and most important step to take. So going back to spontaneous recovery… Well, if you stop giving food to the dog after the light, the association will decay yes. But if you let dog rest for a while and show the light again, although much lower than the previous one, the dog will salivate once again. The reason why is, the dog doesn’t forgets the first association but simply has another condition now; light does not equals to the food. So after getting over and even having a safe environment to have your safe attachment, it is very normal to get triggered again and act accordingly (so don’t blame yourself for it.) but again, the key is being aware of it. So even though you act according to your fears, you can solve it with communicating with others. Anyways, thats it. Thanks for listening my TED talk lol.

[@hyacinthmailim4316]

Watching it today because I needed to understand this weird behavior that I'm having. I just ended my 8 yr relationship and I thought I was going to be okay. Thanks for sharing this to us. At least now I know this is valid and have an idea how to overcome it

[@apryl.connors]

Glad I found this, relate to all of this to a T! 😢 had no idea this is what I have until I did some researching last week. It explains why I get scared and anxious when someone leaves, favorite coworker for example. When I get close to a guy and I don't hear from him I get very anxious. I don't text all the time, I back off and just leave it alone. It's very hard to break from this and I'm trying to find a therapist to talk to.

[@michyallen]

Thank you so much for this beautifully candid and helpful video, and being willing to share a vulnerable part of you in order to educate and help us 🫶🏼

[@AlannaKingrose]

8:02 I really though you were about to plug a better help ad, lol. Also the candle on your bookshelf is making me anxious Dx. Anyway, all good points, recently started looking into attachment styles and I think its going to be life changing for myself and my relationship!

[@fitting9132]

Go to 6:50 for actual tips

[@vishnur133]

Genuinely thanking you,...kristin❤️

[@ab-gail]

6:51 Bookmark for how to Overcome Your Attachment Style

[@ilahagulieva]

Tips start from 6:50✨️

[@FalconOfStorms]

I'm a T who made it to the end! Now I can get anxiously attached to Kristin! ... that was the lesson, right?

[@dearkristin]

LOL 😅

[@Sadia_AustralianJourneys]

How on earth did you know exactly what I am going through? Thanks a lot for making this video.

[@tinamara1408]

I have watched so many videos about this topic and yours has been by far the best one !!!! Thank you so much 🫶🏼 I can’t afford therapy (uni student 😢😂) but if you can it would be amazing to post a video on strategies how to change and rewire the brain and become more secure gradually ❤ maybe things from your own experience or things you’ve read ❤ thank you so much once more and know that you’re helping a lot of people ❤

[@macaronmaker0720]

I'm looking forward to watching this, thank you Kristin :) Edit: I feel called out

[@ngayo_vs]

This deserve more views, thank you. It help me alot ❤❤

[@rad4924]

I really appreciate you sharing this and admire your bravery in doing so (I'm not even willing to put my real name on the internet, let alone something as personal as this). Are you planning to discuss the other attachment styles in future? I could do with advice on my anxious-avoidant (aka disorganised) style and you're good at explaining these types of things. (This would be in conjunction with me having just started a programme this week to begin working through issues from my crappy traumatic and abusive childhood, attachment theory is new to me but something I'm thinking it might be time to work on.)

[@restlessmosaic]

Hey xercon, I recognize your pseudonym around here. I've been doing a lot of work, with a dash of counseling, around not just attachment but dysfunctional family roles. ENFP Heidi Priebe has some fantastic content on both. Kim Sage has good videos on it and a free course on her website about childhood emotional neglect that does good groundwork.

[@rad4924]

@@restlessmosaic Thank you very much! I will look into both!

[@yolandavargas3942]

Dang it, I sent the text before seeing this video and, you're so right, I feel worse! haha Love the suggestion of asking the two questions - noted for next time. Getting back on the dang horse. 😕 Thank you!

[@Spectacular-Spider-Dan]

Thanks for sharing all this with us, Kristin. You've done some tremendous work on yourself. I've done similar work on some of my bad/ungodly beliefs. I really liked what you said about whether or not to send a text. I'm going to use that one in the future, for sure.

[@lulu_TheWitchBoy]

Thank you! I’m a gay man, and my close friends are straight guys, who accept me, and accept that I’m emotional- empathic person. That made me get really attached I gotten little bit better wit therapy, but still have episodes where I need talk to them every time. My best friend is heading the military, and is been so hard, but I think is for the best for him, and me; I’ll be trying learn love myself more while he’s gone.

[@Ohsey]

Can you do a Fiday on an avoidant attachment style?

[@ardellolnes5663]

Wow there's a lot there that sounds like a lot of things i thought, what really sucks is when she validated it and then some. I totally agree that I had put her on a pedestal, didn't really start doing the panic thing until she did from time to time abandon me. I kept following believing that we were both at the same place in the relationship, which I asked her directly and she said we were. My brain said she was lying, but your supposed to believe and trust your partner. So I believe her over my brain, just to find out months later I was right. That messed me up, i am an idealist and truly loved her (still do). And then self doubt and everything was my fault, i wasn't good enough, she kinda ran with it and everything did become my fault, i did it wrong or why did I get this instead of that and such. Which did make me try harder til I was the only one trying and following her, which she would leave and get annoyed and mean just to come back for a safety net when she was in a pickle. Then she just started gaslighting me and finally in front of friends i had been telling for 2 hours how great we were still through all the hard times we were still together. Which she decided was the time to clarify as friends, we were terrible together. She let me believe, because we did have 5 amazing years together, that the 3 years after she left that we were working on it and we were going to be together again. She didn't say that specifically but she knew what i was going for and what my intentions were. And gave me hope by not saying anything about hers. Now im a total mess. That said, I totally understand my part in trying so hard and her lack of it, i was honest to a fault and she was hiding her motives and plans and straight lying about it, to the point if she called and gave me my wish, and apologized for things she did, i could not in good conscience do it. I cant let go of the way she turned our wonderful relationship into the thing that broke me and how she treated me.. im getting there... I also can't forgive MYSELF for first putting her up on the pedestal and she was my everything, and when she left i would follow. And when she actually left me and lied when I asked, i knew better or i wouldn't have asked. Because I didn't want to believe it. I should have walked away then. Or 3 years of pages of unanswered texts and she was too busy and when she started making me look bad in front of my friends and gaslighting me, i pretty much let her. I was aware i was the only one who was trying, but I didn't want it to be true. And i tried even harder. Til she pretty much left it perfectly clear she was done. And I fell apart worse than when she first left. I looked back at the last 3 years and i knew before I did i was the only one who wanted to be together, so i put myself through all that torture because i didn't want it to be true. Im not stupid, i realized the things that changed and what it was doing to me, deep down i saw it was doomed probably while we were still together and doing good. I let her put doubt in my head because my heart wanted to trust her. And there were some times she told a few lies that this last year i called her out on and they were the ones that wrecked me bad. But each one, i had asked her to her face and took her word on. The thing about being an idealist is i don't ask questions unless i know the answer. But trust trumped my intuition. She was terrible, but I totally take responsibility for knowing better and doubting myself. I finally decided to end contract with her, and it was the right thing for me. She didn't even notice. Or she wanted me to so she could not feel bad. The hardest part is i still love her and am now finally admitting that is has been done, for her part for years. I should have let her leave and dealt with it then. Still would have hurt bad. But now I can't even make simple decisions with out panic, the self doubt and everything is my fault has become intrusive, which is multiplied because in knew i was right when I started asking her questions and then I believed her doubting myself and then she ran with it and made used it and now I look back and i was right and didn't trust my own judgement and observations.. So I have been trying to figure out how to get over her and I unsynced all communication platforms with her, not block but unfriended her. It hurts she didn't notice or wasn't bothered by it. I'm trying to learn to be alone and deal with how mean she got and how i allowed it. And my mental and emotional health are not going the right way at all. So i put my sister in charge of things, moved to a place where there are people who are aware of issues I have and check on me, and I am going to go in for a 72 hour evaluation so we can start working on the damage we did. That is a lot, but maybe it will help someone else see what you are saying in the video is very accurate, and add someone taking advantage of those things made it true and terrible. I did it the wrong way, Kristen's advice is sound and if you do tick the boxes i would recommend following her advice and talk to a professional if things go the wrong way. Being idealist is a lot of pressure on others and yourself and its hard because ideally, things would be amazing if we could live up to those standards. Thank you for your video Kristen and im am taking the first steps, mostly stumble and tripping a lot. But I know to do something. You sharing your struggle helps. Especially with the nature of how personal it is to open about it. Hopefully one person at least can read all this and avoid what happens if you don't deal with things. Or just be inspired by your video and not read this works too. Ty

[@SBecktacular]

Great explanation 👌 Strong, intelligent,amazing lady☺️

[@skinnurse5665]

I have this issue. Im just learning about it a few days ago. I thought it was "love" but now i see its from being left as a child, people who should of loved me didnt or didnt know how, and people who should of protected me didnt. My now ex is a d/a (dismissive avoidance) and we just are total opposite. The things they used to love they end up hating about us and it just makes me question everything....even with my son im always asking him how am i doing as a mom is there anything i need to work on to make you feel more loved. I really need to ask myself those questions because in the process of "loving" everyone else i forget im important and throw me to the side like others did when i was younger

[@languageandmana9255]

❤🙏 Thank you so much for sharing your experience

[@denisemary89]

Loved this! Thank you 🙏 ❤

[@zanhaerjianaer9476]

What if I really do not worth for love or the truth is I am a trash , should I still speaking for making myself better? Being refused and dumped again and again may do confirm I am not worth for being secure 😢

[@edupunknoob]

This hit really hard. Thank you

[@edo7131]

I'm a grumpy negative guy..and I love this video

[@kerryfaden94]

Grateful that you gave a talk on this subject and the length of it was perfect Thanks from a tired caregiver

[@ke1tor]

Serious question. Whenever I do attachment style tests, I end up as mainly "secure". But I know that I can have moments of ambivalent behaviors towards those who I am in a romantic relationship with. If a person doesn't show interest or effort in forming a duality, it makes me go into AP mode. Like why are they backing away? Are they talking or even seeing someone else behind my back?

[@RainFall-wz2yp]

- I want only death. There's nothing I want other than death. I can no longer bear to be alive. I'm in hell. No escape. - I am buried alive by darkness and aloneness

[@amandatoryusername7329]

It's hard... Learning this about myself during my partner wanting a break, all I want is the chance to prove I'm working on it.

[@chelaraga2041]

what kind of book that can help me with my anxious attachment style. Thank you!

[@parmenides9036]

I'll prioritize this kind of stuff one day!

[@morganfriddle782]

Any books you recommend to get started? I cannot afford therapy and I’ve needed it for years.

[@karmasutra4774]

I took a few tests and it says I am secure. I also scored INTJ-T many times, so must be true too. Doesn't seem to fit either. Someone said I am anxious style before, so confused since I don't feel it makes sense when I watch and learn more about it ❤

[@ProDigit80]

She's very beautiful, it's hard to believe that someone beautiful could end up having such a low self-esteem. In many places in the world she would have multiple offers from multiple guys that should boost her self-esteem.

[@gianinnakarla]

i'm a ENTP with anxious attachment and i honestly dont feel like i should change, a thing ppl wrongly think is that anything but the secure attachment are bad attachment, and thats not true, ppl have different types of attachment, it just matters on how u get ur attachment control ur life, also i love being clingy with my INTJ crush, its rly cute when she doesnt know how to react to my clingyness, i'm pretty sure she has avoidant attachment lol

[@infdox9051]

INTJ is also anxious attachment.. I think INTP is avoidant. I am dating an INTP who avoids me instead of providing any reassurance ever.

[@zanhaerjianaer9476]

If you don’t feeling like to Chan maybe it is telling you that you are more likely a secure person. After all it is the signs decide the type not other way around

[@BimmerWon]

Epic vid. Can you do the other attachment styles too?

[@BillyBob-lt5nr]

I'm a Ti that made it to the end of this video. -ENTP

[@ESFP-diary]

Thank you for sharing this!

[@cardinal_thrill5]

Any advice for partners of someone with anxious attachment style? How can you bring it up and encourage learning about attachment if they’re unaware of it. Knowing they may panic as a result of thinking the relationship is unsteady I’m just scared to ever bring it up to save them the pain but I know that’s not right either

[@liamodonovan6610]

Always interested in youyr videos you give great advice love your intelligent videos

[@jaredvaughan1665]

INFJs John Bowlby and later Sue Johnson created attachment theory. Socionics shows INFJs progress by becoming more involved like ISFJs as they progress. So attachment theory works for them. But Socionics shows INFPs progress by becoming more detached like INTJs. So attachment theory works great for some types but not others.

[@NohaTheWriter]

This is so helpful. Thank you so much!!!

[@Azdaja13]

Hmm, this may answer some lingering questions I have. I know a certain friend of mine who's probably watching or has already watched this video probably knows what I mean, since I know I have a tendency to want to talk to people but then become paranoid that I'm annoying them and that one mis-step and they'll just sever ties, so I ended up not talking to them even though I wanted to talk to them, though with that I am actually getting better at feeling more comfortable like I'm not annoying people by trying to interact with them. It felt weirdly freeing when they said they didn't not want to hear from me. Which is something I've legit never heard. I'm usually used to being told to shut up or just not being listened to and effectively talking to brick walls. Granted, I know precisely where some of that anxious attachment comes from... though I also imagine some of it comes from before that, probably my first interactions with other children and also particular teachers I had... I'm not entirely sure if it is anxious attachment, or avoidant or a mixture of the two or none at all but something about it rings true... Word to the wise: Do not send your children to public schools. Trust me, it's a bad idea. Anyway, I'm an INTJ and watched the entire thing. Somehow I didn't die or want to give myself a thousand paper-cuts and pour salt and lemon juice into them. :P EDIT: After reading more into it, disorganised attachment may actually be the one that strikes closest to the mark.

[@jameswilkerson4412]

Do you have any idea which MBTI types overlap most frequently with which attachment styles, ceteribus paribus similar childhoods?

[@jameswilkerson4412]

Speculation: Fe users tend towards anxious while Fi users tend towards avoidant. Survey says?

[@starbright2683]

Is this issue inherent to the person (having an anxious attachment "style"), or is it a symptom of a wrong relationship? We can treat different suitors completely differently. We can feel completely differently with different people. Some connections bring out the worst in us, especially if someone is using us sexually, but not giving us the committment, emotional connection, peace, and security that should come with that. In other cases, we may just feel agitated anxiety because instictively we know that it is not the right match.

[@miraclestivender651]

That's definitely understandable damn the way you put that I definitely understand. Friendships are different for me I give them lots of space let them come to me. I will check in on them from time to time. I'm an introvert/extrovert I can't stay in the house to long or be out for to long. I learned I can be by myself and I do get lonely. But I'm trying to find things that make me happy again. Lovers come and go. Girlfriends come and go.

[@gemmaburns6407]

I think this is how iv developed anxiety! Iv never had it in my 46yrs of life, until I met my partner who is avoidant! They struggle with commitment so it makes you feel unloved and insecure, it’s been a very long 4yr relationship and it makes you feel as though it’s something that you’re doing wrong, in my eyes a relationship has to progress so after the 2yr mark and it’s just casual you can’t help but wonder where it’s going or not going, iv left the relationship now for 3mths and I’m back to feeling secure, so this for me is right on point, the wrong person will make your body scream 😅

[@jrwheeler81]

@@gemmaburns6407 Same here!!! I'm in an almost identical situation! I just turned 43 last month and I was married and with my late husband for a total of 22 years (since I was only 18) and never had issues with anxious attachment with him. In fact, I feel that I was always very secure and comfortable in our relationship/marriage. He was not at all avoidant and was also very secure. My husband passed away in June of 2022 and I've been dating someone for the past almost 2 years who is avoidant, which I have found to be a big trigger of my anxious attachment. It sucks because I am deeply in love with him, and his actions and some of the things he says make it pretty clear that he is also in love with me, but he is clearly VERY fearful of emotional intimacy and being in love/getting TOO close. Just like you, it has now been almost 2 years (20 months to be exact) that we've been dating, and I frequently find myself wondering "where is this going?!" He is divorced and has said many times that he will never get married again, which is fine. I don't require marriage, but I would AT LEAST like to consider moving in together, which we have been talking about as of late, but I can easily tell that just the thought of it terrifies him! Whenever it comes up, he tells me that he has always been "self-sufficient" and I respond by saying, "I know you are; so am I, and I would never try to strip you of that if we lived together!" It's so frustrating!

[@angelamoore7618]

This is my dilemma. I have become incredibly anxious in my current relationship. I go back and forth between, “this is exactly what I need to heal…lean into the discomfort….toughen up” and “this is just grating on my nervous system! Why am I subjecting myself to thi?!”

[@feliciemignon4107]

You ARE worthy of love ! #hug

[@dearkristin]

As are you! 😁

[@JackyVSO]

Made it [T]o the end 💪

[@daria_vegan_sweden_1699]

Maybe you can make a video about which song describes each personality best. If there’s one song that describes infjs perfectly I think it would be ‘frozen’ from Madonna. And best song to describe enfps would be ‘my favourite things’ from the movie ‘Sound of music’

[@dearkristin]

Already made that video! It's called "16 personalities as songs" 😁

[@whiggygirl]

I'm fearful avoidant and have all these AA traits (as well as all the avoidant traits) it's hell 😢

[@nefretiri69]

Thank you 😊

[@persephoneee3743]

This is my first time hearing about attachment styles. I took the test I found in one of the links, and it indicated (Am I conjugating this word correctly?) that I may have a Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment style... Idk what I think about that. ._.

[@christopherkaster3732]

They’re going to discover I’m the trash that I am. I seriously said this to my brother just today. I got ghosted again. I can’t decide if it’s my anxiety or her avoidant attachment, but either way, it would be nice not to have that gut feeling when you don’t hear back within 12-24 hours. It’s like I know it, but everyone that struggles with it knows it’s like an addiction. And also I found it funny that she called it denial that I’d throw my hands up and say well this is how I love and if they can’t accept that, then good riddance. I fight with my friends over this lol

[@theannajoycreative]

encouraging thank you.

[@kuro_tadori]

Well said!!