Q&A! Annoyance Mitigation, Guys Who Don't Ask You Out, & Sh*tting Where You Eat -Ep 105- Dear Shandy

[@judya3455]

I love how you guys sincerely care about your callers and try to squeeze in as much helpful advice as you can. The humor is always on point too!

[@dearshandy]

Thank you so much, Judy. We're trying! 🤗

[@jazzie0694]

I wonder if Andy has ever done stand-up live comedy. If not, why not? I feel I could give you any topic and you would run with it. Andy, you are naturally talented!

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Yes, he reminds me of Sebastian Marx! (A New York Jew who does stand-up in France.)

[@melissap3539]

Good point. He's definitely great at improv, has good comedic timing, and quickly picks up on the funny irony of life. All the makings of some hilarious stand up!

[@lizzies6936]

Shandy have said a few times that Andy is hilarious when spontaneous, but if he prepares he’s not very good. I imagine that’s it - he’s so naturally funny but I guess it doesn’t translate with written jokes. Hard to imagine, but that might be why!

[@dadamahe]

He has the Jerry Seinfeld type of humor. Love it!

[@keepcreationprocess]

With Andy you are in suspense - which is funny

[@duckypam]

Why would you want to date someone who endlessly flirts and doesn’t do anything. This is how he will be the whole relationship. Teasing her with words and NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH! Run girl

[@rfreedman676]

Totally agree. AND...I wonder if he's really not single.

[@JaniceAJanice]

@@rfreedman676 my thoughts exactly. He has a girlfriend. Definitely not worth it. Do not text, do not fall into his web

[@valleygirl6521]

I've said it here before and I'll say it again - nothing gives me more pleasure than the goofy-ass photo shoot and facial expression that Shandy does to accompany the theme of the episode. 😂😂😂

[@dearshandy]

Haha the funny part too is Andy hates doing them (he's always dragging his feet when I announce, "It's thumbnail photo time!") but he always loves the result afterwards. 🤣

[@valleygirl6521]

Sharleen, how could Andy hate THE BEST PART?

[@grievingmaman5087]

Love your overalls! In French, we call them salopettes. Comes from the verb saloper ("get dirty"). The bib and suspenders makes it that they are also used as work clothing, so they get dirty, not a problem! We used "salopettes" in winter suits (particularly for skiing). Every morning (we are in Ottawa), I tell the kids in French "put your salopettes on!" it's time to go outside. Your salopettes are beautiful, wouldn't want to get them dirty!

[@vestriarose]

Hi Shandy (and Ruby) - I googled your past podcasts because I had a very similar coworker question - your answer has resolved a lot of the what-ifs I kept replaying in my head and I can now see more clearly - if he really liked me, he would make it happen. Thank you for this dose of reality, and giving me a gentle nudge towards letting go. 🙏🏻

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

A note to Kirsty: in the first year I had to talk to my partner about body odor, which wasn't an easy one. I took Shandy's approach and made it about how attracted I was to him and how much I would really like to be near him, but just found it hard when he wasn't smelling too fresh. And I tried to make it so clear it wasn't a fundamental flaw in *him*, but just something that we all have to face - sometimes our deodorant doesn't work well and we need to try a different brand! Well anyway, I had to talk to him about it several times in order for it to finally stick, but here we are almost four years later and he smells GREAT. 😄

[@dearshandy]

Great advice, Rachel! Thank you for sharing!

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

@@dearshandy Thanks Sharleen! Hope it's helpful to her! 😊

[@hconf]

Finally stick* get it... Anyway, my mom says to find someone who you like the smell of even when they are sweaty...

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

@@hconf Ahahaha thanks for spotting that! I would say I don't mind his sweaty deodorant smell, but w/o the deodorant it's rough. 😆

[@ENTERTAINMENT-tc3uq]

Kudos to you 👏👏👏👏

[@rebeccapatterson8049]

I’m avoiding social media because I’m watching at the dear Shandy pace and don’t want to be spoiled!!

[@LaceyLoveWalker]

Mom of an Oliver, beaming right here. 😁

[@AmyJLiang]

Andy with the chewing skit had me ROLLING. Man was doing his own episode of SNL 🤣

[@jazzygems7454]

Shandy time is my favorite part of the week! Your Q&A's are not only insightful but really fun and entertaining to watch. I cackled more than a few times on this one. The Seinfeld "No soup for you" joke was chef's kiss lol

[@ElizabethLevitinLifeCoach]

So often people have the "you should just know" mentality... But I am a huge proponent of tell your partner what you want, need, like, and don't like (with loving reminders if something feels deficient at anytime). Learning one another's love languages is super helpful. You should just know... You should want to do this mentality only creates more lack, more not having, more resentment which can be avoided with better communication Also, I love listening to you guys! Xo, Elizabeth 🌞

[@moxey7644]

So true! People seem to expect their partners to be psychic. Communication is considered the cornerstone of a healthy relationship for a reason.

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Agree 100%! My current relationship is the one we've both been the most direct in, and it's the healthiest one I've ever had by miles.

[@Foreverbecca]

I agree! I think so often we can forget our partners are just other humans like us, and weren’t created to meet our every desire perfectly. Plus, through being direct, it can create future romance where they remember what you asked, and show that they care by doing it. Which is more special IMO than them just magically “knowing.”

[@zoliver9304]

Lmaooo I thought the title at first glance read “Guys Who Don’t Eat You Out.”

[@peidan86]

That reenactment of the chewing problem was so hilarious and spot on. Both so awkward and yet so relatable.

[@UnclGee]

38:30 "The Leading Man is sitting in another cubicle; we haven't been introduced to him yet!" 🤣

[@mojos7]

Omg I've just realized why the Bachelor relationships don't work out: they choose their Pick before they see how their Pick chews

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Sharleen, for Oliver you totally hit the nail on the head about the sincerity of the thoughtfulness of the new guy, as in would he have sent soup/cakes/etc. if she weren't with someone else and he weren't trying to woo her away? That was my instant thought when she started describing all those actions. (Plus, those kind of actions can be really empty. They don't necessarily have the deep meaning that other kinds of - more subtle - actions can hold.) On the other hand, I couldn't disagree more that the world would be a better place if we all knew what annoyed other people in ourselves. 😆Would you really be prepared to change that many things about yourself?? (And I say this from the point of view of someone who dated someone with misophonia, and who had to learn to cover my mouth and jam my lips shut every time I chewed!)

[@sirzi9043]

There's a moment in which Andy looks over toward the camera whilst Sharleen is reading a question and for some reason I found this to be amusing lol. Great episode as ever!

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

I spotted that too! I was like, is there someone behind the camera??

[@Tvhsak]

Dear Shandy, I'm lurking all your videos trying to find the best singing moments you guys have as they bring me so much pleasure. I'm also looking for the funny ads. I need montages of them all!!!

[@megagemgirl]

"If he really really really wanted to with you he would make it happen and if he really really really wanted to be with you and this was his way of getting there you don't want to be with that guy" Thank you for that, it's so true in this day and age. Guys are so passive it's hard to gauge genuine interest or not.

[@hconf]

The Seinfeld reference and the fish bait analogy.... Gold, Jerry.

[@Erica-hn9mw]

The 3rd question seems like a total “work wife” situation. Throughout your whole reading of the question I kept saying “He’s sleeping with someone else! He’s seeing someone else!” As Andy has said, he could be sleeping with someone “in spirit” lol. In essence, no action is an action.

[@lizzies6936]

I love your guidance and insight but, to be honest, what will always keep me coming back are the tangents like the “holding a torch” discussion.

[@valleygirl6521]

Yes! Shandy loves language and this appeals to me WAYYY too much. 💓❤

[@lesleywiley4324]

I’d pay top dollar to see Andy in Osh Kosh overalls!

[@velandrea]

Initially I was partial to the in the moment chewing convo but I do think Sharleen’s approach is the best. I think it will allow him time to reflect and “digest” the new information and then change his chewing habit. I was in agony the first time my bf ate cereal in front of me and I told him immediately but his response was this is how I eat cereal 🤦‍♀️ He’s gotten better or maybe I’ve grown used to it lol. Hopefully her guy will be receptive to change his chewing habits, he may just be unaware. My mom recently brought up a situation where she noticed someone in disgust watch an eating habit of mine… she said she gave me a hint in the moment but I didn’t catch on. I was super embarrassed to hear this but glad she brought it up. Give him some grace if he forgets and from then on maybe you can remind him in the moment until he breaks the habit. Best of luck!

[@natashanotes]

Andy's hor d'oevres analogy. 🤣 Happy New Year Shandy!!!

[@dearshandy]

Happy New Year to you too, Natasha!

[@dadamahe]

You both are so great this. I’ve been married for almost 30 years now and the games and casualness of dating today has always confused me. Sharleen you need to start sharing where you shop for you clothes. Love those “overalls”🤣. Thanks!!

[@deniserichard5613]

I agreed with every advice you gave in this podcast. Shandy is great team. Happy New Year to you both!!!

[@everysecond6872]

Loved this q&a. very insightful

[@dearshandy]

Thank you, Ankitha! 💛

[@hmdiz]

I feel for Kirsty. I am married to someone whose chewing drives me up the wall. I literally call it out daily... this has been something I've addressed for at least 2 years now. He takes it pretty well, but he quicky forgets it. I know it's not entirely something he can control since he has horrific tmj. I try to be more compassionate about it because i love him so much, but it is really hard. Good luck!

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

I agree with Andy on the workplace guy...time to move on. I don't think he's the one for her. If he is, he won't realize it *until* she's moved on.

[@PP-vc8fg]

Hello... I just started watching your podcast. Love it! I am soooo on board with Andy with the chewing thing. It was like listening to myself! It's so annoying to me, that I will even have to call someone back if they are chewing over the phone. It's the worst. Hahah great podcast!

[@macaroni459]

To add, for the first "caller": I hate to break it to you, but if you like this guy enough to have been seeing him for a month and be exclusive with him, you've already caught feelings. You don't do those things if you don't have feelings for the other person. Feelings are GOOD, they are what we're all hoping for when we go on first and second dates with people - and you found that! Enjoy it!

[@morganpyre6689]

yes! ^ this is something I had to learn in my first relationship too (I was afraid to have my heart broken for the first time, so I told myself I wasn't falling for him). At some point you have to accept that if you're actively telling yourself NOT to catch feelings, it's probably too late xD

[@mollymoe6712]

I know the exact S in the City scene!!! Really enjoy you guys!

[@nancymachold8006]

Wasn't the soup and cake guy living in the same town where she was and Oliver was on the opposite coast?

[@AngeLEyes8100]

I ❤️ your long reply’s. Some are really good and funny too. The chewing was great advice. I sarcastically just say to my guy straight out; stop chewing so loud lol.

[@indiablue3162]

“There’s no chill after that chew” 😂

[@lightlightlight88]

Hard no on texting that guy- he is absolutly making a fool out of her. She should shut him down by ignoring him and get self esteem

[@bettycamacho7084]

Sharleen: I wouldn’t put any stock in that a guy gifts me soup. Andy: Zero chicken stock! Me: tea comes out my nose because I laughed so hard

[@meggy0]

That coworker is not interested. He likes the attention and only wants a casual hookup and likely knows she doesn’t want that. She’s made it very clear where she sits and so has he. I totally get what Andy said about it being dangerous, but I don’t think he’s afraid of the optics, his flirting and touching her in front of coworkers has already crossed that line.

[@keepcreationprocess]

It is very helpful - your show.

[@Patriot_Lady1776]

Soooooo funny 😁 as always!!!!

[@Renkk17]

#2 Gail... I don't think your guy friend still has a crush on you if he has a girlfriend for 2 years! If he does, I would hate to be his girlfriend finding out that the guy I was dating that long still had a crush on his female friend that kept coming around the house! You really need to talk to him about this situation, and if he still has a crush on you, he needs to get over it, especially when he is wasting another girls time!

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Yeah, I kept thinking about it from the girlfriend's point of view too! If he still has feelings for the caller, then yikes, that is not a good situation for the girlfriend and their relationship.

[@foxjacket]

Agree with Andy: sometimes it's better that a workplace flirtation is not consummated. I wish she could see that he's not serious at all and stop pining over him and enjoy the flirtation. I had a workplace fling for several months about 4 years ago. We were in different buildings. It was fun. I didn't want to have something serious with him because we weren't compatible in that sense but it was fun while it lasted. It never got messy because I never wanted anything beyond what we had, nor did he. We'd hook up and sometimes meet outside work, e.g. a movie, walk in the park. Now? We message each other sporadically. Not interested in hooking up anymore for reasons.

[@lauracaienar3815]

Very enjoyable 😉

[@linzlora]

My dog is named Oliver! ☺️ “Ollie” is his nickname. I would agree, it’s a great name!

[@rachelg552353]

No soup for you! 😂😂😂

[@ningyding]

So much overthinking on the part of the Shandy’s on the question about the old friend and his roommate… the old friend has a long term girlfriend and has had 8 years to act on his crush on her. He has NO CLAIM, and needs NO NOTIFICATION at any time that she is pursuing the roommate. She should pursue her crush immediately and assume that the old friend is in love with his girlfriend. If he’s not, that’s his problem, not everyone else’s. Will he feel some jealousy toward his roommate? Sure. Will he survive it? Yes, of course. GO FOR IT! And shield him from PDA out of courtesy. PS. I have done this exact thing and everyone stayed friends after.

[@blanelltallur1]

looking forward to hearing your thoughts on Episode Two of Clayton's season of "The Bachelor."

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Isn't it "carrying a torch" for someone?

[@LaceyLoveWalker]

Yep 😆

[@machinelevine1]

Sharleen and I had a post podcast discussion about this and yes it is most definitely carrying! 🤦🏻

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

@@machinelevine1 Ha ha I love the follow-up!

[@tanya__________]

Andy is so so funny. Is he a comedian?

[@ConcettaLestingi]

My boyfriend is a big slurper. And not just with liquids it’s like everything he puts in his mouth has a slurping sound. He also has stuff go down the wrong pipe and gets into a coughing fit a lot. I brought this one up and he did tell me there’s like some flap that doesn’t close all the time or something and it’s an issue he’s had for awhile? But then why don’t you eat slower and more cautious. He also has not been to the dentist in over 5 years and now I can’t stop staring at his teeth. I’m not someone who’s obsessed with perfect teeth and his are noticeably imperfect, it didn’t bother me until this new info.

[@visoraunt]

Re:Q1 - Shandy, as someone who did this in her relationship LOL, it's pretty easy to be "exclusive" before committing to the bf/gf/etc labels. Especially dating right now (in a pandemic!!!!) for me it was important form a safety perspective that he was not fooling around with anyone else and their diseases even if I wasn't emotionally ready to declare us boyfriend/girlfriend yet. (That came a few weeks later.)

[@maurameadesperry1715]

Since you asked..Oliver Cromwell

[@dearshandy]

Oof, you are absolutely right 🙈

[@CommonTerry2024]

In most of the letters you read, I'm not sure you consider mental issues as part of the pathology you glean from a simple correspondence. Regarding the workplace scenario, for example, the guy could have serious rejection issues and can't (CAN'T) afford to take chances. We must always remember that seduction is a power game. It says "I want you to want me more than I want you." It's a defensive approach, but such is the battle with low self-esteem. He is a great actor, because self-honesty is foreign to him. He needs to be directly confronted: "Do you seriously want to date me or not?" The assumption otherwise is that he's a player who is trying to manipulate himself between her legs. In my view, this is less likely than the guy having intimacy issues.

[@teaando2278]

I agree that asking the direct question ("do you seriously want to date me?") is the perfect way to clarity here. Don't ask him out, just lay it on the table. I don't agree, however, that Shandy should always consider mental illness as a reason for certain behaviour - if there aren't verrrrry heavy hints pointing in this direction. This is supposed to be a light-hearted podcast. They are not trained psychologists, able to diagnose mental issues based on short e-mails. (Also, nobody would be able to do that or should try to do that.) Also, you can probably diagnose some sort of mental difficulty to ALL of the slightly "misbehaving" people that come up here. The fiance with the emotional cheating? For sure has issues. That realization doesn't really change the bottom line of the answer. If he has such terrible rejection issues that he cannot even follow through with a woman sending such obvious signals, would she want to pursue him, given that she stated it is very important to her to be pursued? Probably not.

[@katiew8511]

I insisted my husband not scrap his teeth across his fork. I can barely even type the phrase, so I didn’t say it gently, but also presented it as my problem not his.

[@tinax9952]

I like your outfit! Could you provide details?

[@velandrea]

She linked the outfit in the description section :)

[@tonibrooks9719]

There is a couple of Olivers that I can think of as controversial and that is Oliver North and Oliver Cromwell. Other than that, most Olivers I have heard of are great.

[@liminalspacewoman]

Oliver Cromwell was maybe a tiny bit genocidal but all other Olivers are angels

[@maurameadesperry1715]

Yes he was

[@tonibrooks9719]

Oliver North has a controversial past too.

[@cadiza315]

Suspicious Olivers: There is Oliver North. I am not a fan of the Iran Contra deal, so I am not a huge fan of Oliver North. Though there are Americans who think he is great for that big mess. Then, as one of the other commenters reminded me, there is Oliver Cromwell, who arguably did a lot of good and bad things in England long long ago. I am sure there are not many Irish and Scotsman who like him very much. He has a lot of their blood on his hands. But he also was greatly responsible for moving England towards democracy and stability. If he had wanted to, he probably could’ve been declared a King... but he refused, though technically he was probably a constitutional monarch for a while. I think he was pretty dictatorial and puritanical. His enemies hated him so much that they exhumed his dead body (he died of natural causes) and executed it. So I guess you can say that these Olivers are sketchy, but very interesting.

[@margaretkurek2111]

Oliver Cromwell: Hero or villian?

[@evildoesnotsleep-x2b]

in Q3 she could be his boss too

[@hconf]

Did Andy dye his hair?!

[@dearshandy]

Nope! Don't be fooled by my contrast settings in Premiere. 😂

[@hconf]

@@dearshandy I know you really just wanted the red chair to pop ☺️

[@swiftlet]

So I don’t think being exclusive is synonymous with being boyfriend and girlfriend if that isn’t clearly agreed upon. Some people may want an exclusive arrangement to have a safer sexual experience but are not ready or wanting to emotionally commit in a deeper way as boyfriend and girlfriend.

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

I agree with this. I think exclusivity can come before labels. I've never been a date-several-people-at-once kind of person, but that doesn't mean I'm in a relationship after a couple weeks.

[@abbyabroad]

I used to wonder how my ex got to his 40’s chewing with his mouth open. It’s such a rude way to be as an adult that it blew my mind that he could get to that age that way! However, as Andy says, it was also because there were other things I didn’t like about him. A more recent ex chewed with his mouth open but it was more normal in his culture and he was so wonderful in other ways that I didn’t care at ALL until we broke up and I noticed it in a new way 😂😂. When I didn’t have so much invested in the relationship, I guess that I allowed myself to dislike it. I will say that I think if it’s brought up in a lighthearted way, but is an eventual dealbreaker for the questioner, it may not convey its importance 😕.

[@abbyabroad]

PS I’ll leave the original comment, but do want to admit that it’s pretty judgmental. I myself struggle with being messy, although I am aware and striving to improve. So, perhaps we should all be more gracious towards people’s weaknesses, especially since someone’s character is more important than this kind of bad habit.

[@haoduong6565]

I think Shandy sometimes laugh inappropriately that makes her advice less serious

[@amykotel2179]

Oliver North... not sure he was so great... but otherwise.