Decentering Romantic Relationships

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Күн бұрын

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@lkqgirl3121 2 ай бұрын

As an Ace person who is currently dealing with lonliness and friendlesness, as well as tired of being informed that I will "one day find mr. Right," this video is very helpful to me.

@jsevestjanova 2 ай бұрын

Yay!! I love this! I'm aromantic and people NOT doing this has made me feel less than, unimportant, dehumanized, and isolated. We need more people to do this. ❤

@nightlyre198 2 ай бұрын

I have tried to do that while being married. I love my spouse. He’s an exemplary man and I want him in my life, but I don’t want him to be the center of my world. I liken it to a planetary system. All planets (ie relationships are important, but the only central point is my relationship with myself.) It’s extremely hard, but I feel like a more “whole” individual for it.

@Elly.Trevisan 2 ай бұрын

What a wonderful way to look at it! 🪐

@goosegirl26 Ай бұрын

“The only certain point is my relationship with myself.” What an impactful image, thank you! 😊

@lucyscreamsintothevoid 2 ай бұрын

💐 I was so wrapped up in being with my partner for so long and I realize I don’t have any close friends (or really any friends at all). I want friendships and community in my life. It’s really hard for me to connect with other people. I love seeing how much joy you are experiencing in making this change in your life. Great video Elly!!

@Elly.Trevisan 2 ай бұрын

This comment means so much, thank you!! I wish you all the best in finding friendship and community in your life too 💜

@pocketsizedcg 2 ай бұрын

I am aromantic. This book has been in the periphery of my academic life but I have never picked it up. I think I should now. Thank you for this video 🌻

@ChocoCarmelApple 2 ай бұрын

While I was centering men my whole life but not being successful. I realized how much friendship was important and now I’m married. But friendship is still so important to me. I wouldn’t be anywhere without my friends ❤ and my partner too.

@JPanettieri 2 ай бұрын

Hi Elly! First, I want to say how inspiring it has been to be able to follow your journey these last few years! Second, as someone who was also raised in Christian fundamentalism, I can definitely relate to what you're going through! Something that I have been coming to terms with is just how much "magical thinking" has influenced my thoughts and beliefs. When I first deconstructed, I only saw it in terms of my belief in a god, but now I am 41, and oh boy! It was everywhere, including the concept of a "soulmate," or just thinking that relationships were "meant to be." It's a lot to get into in a YT comment, but suffice it to say, you will probably see it more and more the further you get from your former beliefs. I wish we lived in the same state, I would totally be your friend!!

@JPanettieri 2 ай бұрын

(for brevity's sake, if I use the term "women," it can be understood to mean NB, AFAB, or gender fluid fems as well.) Also, if you aren't familiar with the YT channel BurbNBougie, I highly recommend her content!! It's a great community of supportive women and fems, entirely focused on decentering men/romantic relationships, empowering women, and where these topics show up in the news, politics, religious life, etc. Can't recommend enough, I have learned SO MUCH.

@Elly.Trevisan 2 ай бұрын

I’ll check it out! Thank you for the recommendation :)

@maddycornhill541 2 ай бұрын

🌻 I have struggled to connect throughout my adult life, since my parents raised us without any community at all except annual trips to visit cousins and grandparents. They never spoke to neighbors, they never had any friends over at the house. That's all a bit simplified, but that's the gist of it. And while I know loneliness is an epidemic, and I do surround myself with some very social people, I have still lacked the skill to initiate social events, approach strangers, have confidence with conversation, make, keep ,or strengthen same sex or opposite sex friendships. But this video is lovely, because it emphasizes the positive, the wonderful benefits of community outside romantic relationships, that make this all worthwhile, it's not just about avoiding high blood pressure or stress associated with loneliness! haha. I aspire to hug friends more, call friends (period, since I do not call anyone except my spouse), and for years I have wanted to plan my own birthday party, and I have never managed it, overthinking in my head who to invite, whether i am close enough to someone to invite them, etc. My spouse sets up much of our social life, and I want to help make that happen so I don't resent when everything is already planned out for me. Thanks for talking on this topic! I am feeling the love

@goosegirl26 Ай бұрын

🌻 So good! Thank you for sharing as you are on this lifelong journey. It brings me encouragement, especially when it’s hard to yet see much of the fruit of my efforts to pour into my significant friendships. And the being well in my own presence, so huge. 🩵

@prem-iz2jv 2 ай бұрын

I feel like you would also love Communion, the female search for love by bell hooks as well. It's been very insightful and mind-breaking to a degree similar to all about love as well.

@linaharper 2 ай бұрын

I am reading this as well!

@kellyracer576 2 ай бұрын

I haven’t even watched yet, but I’m so grateful for the subject of the video! Thank you so much, Elly!

@hernameisch3rry 2 ай бұрын

💐 I was also raised in a high control religious group and homeschooled! I am working to decanter men and romantic relationships. I was just talking with my therapist about how ‘over functioning’ was seen as being a good wife and mother in my group.

@thischannelonyootoob 2 ай бұрын

🌱 I really resonate with your life experience and place in life, finally building up community instead of a romantic relationship. I appreciate your video so much and plan to get the book , great work!

@kacies3594 2 ай бұрын

🌈🌼🏵🌼🌈

@jennahart84 Ай бұрын

💐

@pastellewitch 2 ай бұрын

🌼🌸🌼🌸🌼

@kirstencorby8465 Ай бұрын

🥀

@blazingstar.design 2 ай бұрын

The other day i had a really bad day and i called a best friend befoee i saw my partner so i could share the burden with someone else. I love this video. You discover what you really need when you let go of what you think you want

@Elly.Trevisan 2 ай бұрын

I love this!!

@les5503 2 ай бұрын

I did a lot of mental work around this several years ago but it's nice to have a reminder of other ways of thinking about it. I still have a hard time knowing if I've done it in a healthy way considering I'm quite avoidant in my attachments, but I'm also aromantic so it came naturally to me once I left religion and the religious expectation to marry. Interesting to think about again.

@scarlettredding 2 ай бұрын

I'm in a wonderful relationship now, but I resonate with so much of this. I think the way we were raised has so much to do with it. By we I mean fundie Christians.

@p0telien277 2 ай бұрын

YESYESYESYES

@daniiiakasha4711 Ай бұрын

For me it’s the opposite- I was heavily pressured to NOT. EVER. have a man in my life and “only” be about being successful. So now that I am in a romantic relationship, I’m in a state of disbelief that it’s actually “ok” for me to be with this person. Plus we have an age gap and met at work, so a lot of people “should” be against it- but they’re just not. I think once you get into your 40’s No one cares sooooo much about all the decisions you make like they did when you were younger.

@demeter7958 2 ай бұрын

🌻

@wirelessbaguette8997 Ай бұрын

*Edit: flower for watching to the end ❀ :D * Listening to you talk about one benefit of community being that, when asking people for help, if one person can't help, it's fine, you can ask someone else: it made me think of the classic Marxist idea of "From each according to their ability to each according to their need." Capitalist patriarchy has done a great job of poisoning that idea in people's heads. They hear "someone wants to take my hard work, and benefit someone else with it? That's stealing!" But really, what it's really about, is community! Some people are able to assist when asked for help, and some people need help. Sometimes we are the ones who need help, and sometimes we are the ones who can provide help. Isn't it a beautiful idea, to divorce community from transactions? I don't help you because I want you to help me later. I help you because I want you to thrive, and in this moment I can help make that happen by helping you. Forming that community is. Hard. So hard. But it is such a beautiful goal, that it's worth the hard work to try and build one, together. I wish you all the success in forming your community. And I hope that I can have the courage to work towards building my own community as well.

@garden_bear_xoxo 2 ай бұрын

omg I happened to pick this book up a month ago, less than a week later my partner left me. sounds like I picked up the perfect book to strengthen my other relationships and community while I heal! great video Elly! ❤🪻

@scarlettredding 2 ай бұрын

🌹

@Sisterofthemoon76 2 ай бұрын

🌷

@dsam3 Ай бұрын

Im single and I make many friends. Some deep. I dont catch up often but share enough good moments. We have very good chats thru messaging. Many of them are of opposite sex. I dread if I have to leave these friendships if I find a partner.