Depression Is Leveling Up (Where I've Been, Mental Health Update)

[@saramae8704]

I'm proud of you for going back on them. I don't know if you read all the comments, but I've been scared for you since you first talked about going off, even with a doctor's guidance. My caution was from experience, so I hope it never comes across as judgment. Everyone I know with depression is having a tougher than usual time right now. I've been off work since June because of mental health. The world is a mess and it's hard to hang on right now. I'm glad you are! 💙

[@lookingforsanjunipero4542]

I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting words to what I have been bitterly enduring. I have brain fog and memory/word recall issues, so describing just how deep and low my state of being gets because of depression practically takes a band of wild horses to drag it out of me. This video will help me a lot when I get back to the therapy that I NEED. Sending my gratitude and love; wishing you many more happy, peaceful, *meaningful* days 💜🌻✨

[@xanaharris7579]

This is so beautifully well said. The existential dread and depression have been absolutely aweful. Thank you for addressing this.

[@wildlightarts]

I feel so similarly so often lately. It's even trickier as there seems to be a global existential crisis highlighted all around us. what is the point. I love dogs and art and going to the beach and music and good healthy food and gardening. Even in the midst of all that, I keep questioning what is the point exactly, especially when dealing with profound emotional flashbacks and trauma issues and nightmares that seem to resurface no matter how much work, time and effort I dedicate to healing. I appreciate your work and videos so much. Please know you are valued!

[@valikgrey]

I totally understand I'm currently going through it and it's all consuming. You aren't alone, even when you feel like it.

[@mendingmandy869]

I can completely relate to this. I am so sorry. Ugh. I hate depression so much. Covid has not made this easy at all. I haven't done a video in a month and a half either because i have been depressed. I feel like what value can i possibly give in this state. Which I think it is hard to give value in that state. Ive been feeling purposeless too and feeling so worthless. Ive been clinging more to my family and knowing that they need and love me and they are worth it. Some days for me are better than others too. Also if i don't sleep well, it gets so much worse. I love your videos. You bring value to my life.

[@RadioJunkie04]

Yup! I definitely relate to this and that’s without having ever had a religious faith or any similar framework. Anhedonia is part of what you’re describing ie nothing occurs as a source of joy and things you’d usually enjoy, you don’t - that’s classic diagnostic criteria for depression. I get you’re talking about something else as well, though, which has a more nihilistic aspect. Sometimes this starts in me with a feeling of disgust about other people. It was really intense for the two years I lived in London and was commuting into central London on packed underground trains. Other times it can be a feeling of taking one step forward then two back with my health or my relationships or my work that can set it off. Or it can seem like there is no reason at all, though a bit of digging can sometimes get to it (when I dig it’s often an accumulation of letting self care take a back seat because I don’t feel deserving of it). I think that ultimately, and I see others in these comments saying the same, it’s actually a form of dissociation and is perhaps more about trauma than a purely chemically based depression thing. It might be you’re processing a particularly sneaky trigger that you might not even have been aware of. I realised today that there was a particular autumnal smell in the air that was making me feel deeply uncomfortable, angry, and wishing to flee. I’ve had several days of feeling ghastly and not really being able to figure out why. When I dug a bit I realised it was the smell of the start of the school year, which fills me with a deep dread. School was pretty rough for me, one way or another, and is a big part of my C-PTSD story. Also, the world is going to absolute sh*t right now and our political leaders are making it worse. It’s really a tough time for already traumatised brains! There are triggers everywhere and many of our usual ways of coping are unavailable or limited. That feeling of not having a thing to fall back on is understandable. It also isn’t necessarily true. I get that finding new structures when you’re depressed is tough, though, so please be gentle with yourself. FWIW, I think you did the right thing to go back on antidepressants for now. I hope they give you the little bit of relief you need in order to be able to work out what your new fall back structures might be. I’d also add that life actually IS pretty empty and meaningless but that isn’t a bad thing at all. If we spend less time and energy on finding the meaning or purpose in something and learn to be present and just experience it, there is both richness and peace to be found. And though I know it’s probably hard to hear right now, what you do with both your KZbin channels makes a difference. I watch a lot of your content and you often make me really think and consider my opinions, which I love. I also love that we are very different people on paper but so much of what you say resonates with my experiences of mental health and chronic pain. And on the days when I’m finding communication difficult and feeling isolated, I feel a little less alone. So, thank you for putting your mind on loud speaker, showing how vulnerability is not the same thing as weakness, and so much more!

[@kathleenbigsmoke-mitchell4898]

I hate that rollercoaster! It's exhausting & stressful! I dont know if I'd rather be just flat & numb, not feeling anything or what.

[@nicolabannister3582]

Welcome to the land of my depression. I've come to the conclusion there is no purpose in life. I also understand that as living creatures it is in our instincts to fight to stay alive. Mostly though I try not to think about this subject because I spiral super fast when I do... and what helps me and gets me out of it is time, connections with people and focusing on something else. I congratulate myself on the small things and focus on those. I hope you can find a way through this, it's certainly a particularly horrible place to be

[@mariahohalloran9423]

I’ve missed you and am so glad you are taking the time you need. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming! That’s what we do! Swiiiiiiiiimmmmming!❤️

[@hummens44]

Thanks for making these videos. It's helpful to see someone else being so eloquent about these feelings when it's so hard to do it for yourself sometimes

[@iunnyrhalldorsdottir8248]

I feel everything you are saying so deeply. I've been searching for something to replace the peace of mind that came with my faith because in my darkest moments of depression I just miss it so much. I miss the certainty that my life had meaning, that someone cared what I did and what happened to me, that I could ask God to take care of my anxieties. I'm not saying that faith healed my mental health in any way, but it felt like I could place some of the mental load on something else and deal with less at a time. I see it as a mental tool that I've just not been able to replicate since I questioned the existence of god. Thank you for talking about your experiences, it helps to know that I'm not alone in these feelings.

[@corrine7884]

I’m glad you are taking care of yourself! That is definitely top priority!

[@samcattell1150]

You never fail to amaze me with your bravery and openess on your channels. You sharing these experiences could genuinely be saving lives, making people in bad places realise that they aren't alone or abnormal. I'm 34 and experienced very similar feelings through my teens and early 20s. But a combination of treatments and determination mean it's not returned for quite a few years. Keep fighting, we love you. When I find a job I will become a patreon as long as being based in the UK won't stop that happening.

[@IlivebcuzHelovesme]

Be kind and gentle to yourself. This year has been quite the emotional roller coaster ride... you are not alone. I find it difficult some days to crawl out from under the gray cloud of depression my self. Peace to you.

[@katherinereeder9828]

I hear you. I feel exactly what you are feeling every day. I'm sorry you are going through that. If nothing else, my reason for being turns into "what would happen to my dogs?". I don't want anyone else caring for them. It has saved me more times than I care to admit. Maybe that could help you. I'll be thinking of you in the coming days.

[@davegoodridge8352]

I’m the only one that keeps my dogs alive. That, gets me up each day. If you got off of Paxil, hats off to you. I can’t

[@natalieedelstein]

I am so proud of you for going back on the medications!

[@liamodonovan6610]

Iam in the same boat I have been struggling with depression for the last week or 2,your videos have always helped me love you jo it's always good to take time for yourself to heal thank you jo you're a beautiful and precious person

[@sara_martin]

Thank you for this ❤️ I can relate SO much. When I began deconstructing my former Christian faith, I was thrown into an extremely dark period of major depression. I'd spent over a decade of my life believing everything has inherent meaning, and beginning to question that threw me into an existential crisis. For a while, I didn't want to exist anymore (though never planned to hurt myself). It took depression medication, months of working with a life coach, and supportive relationships to get me through those dark months of existential dread. Religion no longer was my source of purpose, and while that terrified me, I also learned *I* now had the opportunity to define what my purpose was. I still struggle with wondering what the meaning is of things, but can say it can and does get better. Thinking of you and holding space for you ❤️ Always happy to connect if ever you need a supporting space or listening ear!

[@Centaursixtysix]

I very much empathize with being angry at the meaninglessness. You’re not alone and you remind me very much of myself

[@hillarywurts365]

Hey Jo! For me, when I clear out some of the “mess” in my life, my depression does feel more existential because I can’t find any immediate, visible problems to point to as the cause. We ride the wave the best we can! Some times you just need a bigger boat!

[@Snowstorm187]

I’m really glad you made this video; I can relate fairly well. When I’m in a bad place and I don’t have anything to distract me, the existential angst almost feels like background noise-like I’m trying to figure out what all of this means while simultaneously watching some random show. It gets exhausting sometimes. I kind of assumed there was something wrong with me for not having things more figured out, so this was comforting to watch. So, uh... I’m sorry you have to deal with this too, but thank you? 🙂

[@maltie123]

I appreciate you saying all this so much.. I've been deconverting and the existential crisis is real! You're not alone 💕💕

[@cristalmccauley9751]

Thank you so much for this video. I have also been taken back and missed a lot of work and wonder what is my purpose. I don’t know if I have one. Or if I will still have a job. But depression is such an evil hidden not spoken about or acknowledged feeling or whatever people might want to call it. It is real. It is too real. When you don’t want to take a breathe anymore. Wish your heart would just stop. When it seems harder to go on then just stop. Stop it all. No more worries. No nothing. I respect you do much. Thank you for sharing

[@meganlovesdisneyandcrafts4780]

Going into 8 and a half months of just surviving. ITS OK❤️ Sometimes meds are the only thing keeping us afloat. Thanks for being a costar Sophie.

[@veronicabarron]

Oof. Take care! This global moment feels kind of existential to me just on its own! And then learning to find and listen to your own answers for what life is for-is haaaard. Hard but worthwhile. Rooting for you to have lots of support and rest and wisdom while you journey towards whatever source of roots and purpose you find next.

[@lizzieinMT]

I can relate so hard. Thank you for sharing! I just joined your patreon last month and I'm looking forward to when you feel ready to come back to dismantling purity culture. But I'm happy to hear you're taking care of yourself 🤗

[@ashwinshankar7752]

Can totally relate.

[@klanderkal]

At first ,... seeing you all happy, laughing.. i thought you didn't have depression... you were just saying the word... but, after you started talking about depression, You sounded just like me, and what i too am suffering from.😢😢

[@jrrose6689]

I can relate to this so much, you say it so well. My depression has taken a whole new form lately as well and it has been heavier than usual in a way that frankly has scared me a lot. Now it is more existential- like why are we here when nothing matters in the end? Previously I have always had things that I have found joy in but lately, those things don't really affect me, I seem indifferent towards them. The weird thing is that this can change super quickly, I can feel invincible but a few hours later I don't even have the power walk upstairs to go to bed and will just end up sleeping on the couch. This quick rollercoaster of emotions is super exhausting. But it feels comforting to know that I am not alone in struggling right now.

[@Moch_ila]

It's so interesting to me, who has never been religious in any way, how the deconstruction of faith can be so monumental in a person's life. I was privileged enough to never have to go through that and this type of content has been eye-opening to me. Thank you for sharing. I hope you feel better soon.

[@missrelaxed3872]

I think I can relate to you to some extent , sometimes I am total wreck and sometimes I am absolutely okay. My depression has been on and off but 2015, 2016 was horrible, beyond horrible. I cannot deny the fact that it’s much better now.

[@firegirlh2o]

I have said many times over I don't function without my family. We have a really close big family, think My Big Fat Greek Wedding. We got together for a big family thing at least once a month and smaller get togethers in between. I didn't realize how much I don't function without them until COVID-19. It's been about 10 months since I've seen most of my family. (I'm a tax professional on top of my full time job so I work 70-80 hours January-April) One of my cousin's had a baby in May I've yet to actually meet and hold that little chunk a monk. My depression is the highest it's been since I lived with my mother and her alcoholic, mentally abusive husband (they're no longer together). I also know and am thankful at some point this will come to an end, we will have parties again, I will meet the chunk a monk. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I did want to say thank you for being a distraction to my own inner monolog of doubts and feelings of loneliness. You are amazing and I love watching all of your videos!!! Thank you!!

[@heidibaltom8138]

Its ok to not post videos becsuse you are not feeling ok. I think alot of people understand. This is explained so well and better than i can explain it but i have the same thing. I get the thoughts of "why do i bother" and "whats the point" the most. Those 2 are the most common but i get other ones too. I also get the "existential crisis" thing but ive never been able to figure out who i am or what matters to me. Ive always done what other people have wanted and when i did do something i wanted it went wrong. But now im having the same problem as in i want to figure it out but dont know how. Im changing meds because the other one stopped working and holy hell i wish i had just put up with it. I have had depression for over 25 years on and off but ive never really had bad Anxiety. Well now is my time. I dont know if anyone else has had this but the restlessness is unbareable. Anyway i hope you and everyone else stay safe and feel better soon x

[@zachwiseman9635]

Thank you for sharing and describing some of this. I experienced this a few years ago around 14-16 years old. It was extremely difficult and was just like having depression of my depression. I’m not fully sure if my depression is gone or not. But I know when I was at my best in my relationship with God that it was I guess “easier” to cope with. I wish you the best and if there is a way we could talk if you ever wanted to share then I am here and I’m down to talk to anyone who sees this and needs someone to listen.

[@zachwiseman9635]

I feel like I rambled but I hope that someone who needs this sees and understands it.

[@thinkandbewell7782]

Thank you for this. I am now considering sharing how depression works with me. I have certainly spent much time screaming at the sky. Your journey is inspirational. I have enjoyed listening to your journey. Positive energy your way! Peace!

[@irinaphoenix2169]

Thank you for sharing.

[@celestemerryman3905]

Yes makes sense!

[@shortforsophie]

No kidding, it gets to the point where have to just take things five minutes at a time. Just... get through the next five minutes... then the five after that. I feel like my head is gonna cave in and my chest is gonna explode. Anything more than five minutes is too much, it’s too hard. My body aches, my brain is literally trying to kill me. Everything hurts. I just want it to stop. So five minutes it is... It’s not great, but it gets me through twelve hour shifts, and sleepless nights, and most of what’s in between. Just gotta make it through the next five minutes.

[@Zancibar]

So I kind of identify with the way you described this "existencial depression" and, disclaimer: I have not been diagnosed with anything but then again I don't have much of a history with psychological help or help of any kind for that matter so whether I go through something similar to you is debatable. I'll try to tell you what I do that helps me, first in a light hearted way and after that in my honest way, I do the light hearted one first because the honest way has been found depressing by the people who listened to it and the last thing I want is to cause more harm than good, maybe you could ask a friend to read the depressing version first and then translate or something like that. So light hearted version: I think a lot about my feelings and I've found it fairly useful to process why and what I feel rather than how I feel. I've come to the conclusion that every emotion has a use with the objective of keeping you alive (not to be confused with a "meaning of life" of sorts but I do have to be alive to figure that out), anger promotes change, joy informs that your needs are well met, sadness forces reconsideration and so and so. However emotions can demonstrably fail, too much anger will make a change of circumstances but may make it worse for an ovbious example. So I set myself the one objective that I know for a fact all my emotions are designed to do, and I examine the emotions I feel to see if they are functioning properly on the short, medium and long term. If I feel so depressed I don't want to get out of bed, that's countereffective. Why do I feel this way then? Perhaps I've learned that the things I do have bad consequences (wether that's true or not), maybe I'm not interested in the results of my actions, why not then? After that I filter out any demonstrably untrue belief that feeds on my countereffective feeling, reconsider results I can expect from both following and not following my emotion (ALWAYS having short, medium and long term in mind) and repeat. Eventually I either reach a reasonable conclusion of why I feel this way and how can I change it in the short, medium or long term or flatout forget the feeling itself, becoming a thought that I no longer recognize as important. I've struggled with a lot of guilt and shame being younger and today I just don't feel those things anymore. I still remember them and I sympathize with people who do feel it but I don't anymore. Those feelings had absolutely no appropriate situation to feel them with the objectives I've set for myself. Now the depressing version, please stop whenever you start feeling bad, doesn't matter who reads this just, please, don't keep going if it's not helping, I really don't find this depressing at all but I'm not exactly a good judge: Through my thought processes and the information I've gathered I've reached the conclusion that there simply is no meaning behind existence. In case you haven't figured out by now I'm not religious or spiritual or anything like that. But I do know that I exist and I do know that it is possible to exist in a mind state where I simultaneously desire to keep existing, perhaps because I enjoy existence in said moment, and I also have the freedom to set a generic goal that will promote this state of happiness and behave in a way that will help me reach that goal witout harming my enjoyment (aka: I can be alive, happy and make choices without risking my life or my happiness significantly). That is the meaning I've set for my life, and I'm awful bad at it but I keep trying because even though life is not this invaluable, significant wonder of the universe, it's still all I have. And it's not much really, but it's mine. And I'm not much but I'm me. . . And when I feel like living I'm good enough. So that's my meaning, to enjoy life just enough to want to fight to feel better. WELL FUCK THIS WAS LONG. I honestly hope some of all that helped someone. Bye, have a nice plague.

[@TheNewsJenorator]

100% understand what you’re going through it’s like you’re a mirror to me. The exact same stuff. Hang in there I’ve had those feelings a lot stronger just the last few months on what is the meaning to everything and nothing seems like it’s real. Reviews on Christianity changed three or four years ago then there was the Mandela affect my whole world turned upside down. I do however believe in prayer I do believe that we have a loving creator and I also see the evil. And I believe there’s a huge battle going on. And those of us that are very empathetic sensitive and have depression and PTSD are probably feeling it even more now. So many people have been committing suicide it’s so sad. Hang in there One day will know the truth

[@212days]

Well as I was watching this and heard you say that "my main channel is footless Joe" I thought to myself "That's kind of not cool. There could be a guy out there named Joe who has no foot and would come across that channel and not find the channel title to be amusing." I figured it was some kind of a whimsical channel or comedy channel and you just had a whimsical name for it... as there are many KZbin channels that have whimsical names. But then I used the KZbin search box and discovered that that wasn't the case. The good news about all of this (what you are saying in this video) is that God Loves you with an astonishing *Love,* a Love that is _beyond your wildest imagining._ In the words of Heidi B.... "It's not like He wants to be away from you, He wants to be your best Friend." But we have a spiritual enemy that uses a wide array of lies, diversions, DISTRACTIONS etc etc to get us AWAY from a place of enjoying and being alive to... God's Love. What we all need is more of *God's Presence* "In God's presence is fullness of Joy" (Psalm 16:11) --Or in other words, a joyful sense of His Nearness and we also need more of *His Spirit.* "Love, joy Peace..." (Galatians 5:22) "Come to Me all who are weary and heavily burdened and I will give you Rest." (Matthew 11:28) The kind of Rest that He is talking about is sweet... and abiding. Something that's going on from day to day and your soul is in a general state of rest. I have a Christian friend who has a husband that is not a Christian and she told me that a few weeks ago he started taking anti depression medication. I said to her.. "For the most part I have arrived at an opinion that meds like that are what you throw at a person who is NOT willing to make a real attempt to bring their self into a real alignment with Romans 8:6." ...But if our minds are controlled by the Spirit, we will have life and Peace. (Romans 8:6) Obviously when you have life and Peace going on in your soul you are not feeling the need to have anti depressants. This is a long comment I know. It's just coming from someone that came across your video by chance and would like to see you have greater measures of Love joy and Peace going on... to the point where the anti depression meds get to fade off into the background and go and eat lunch by themselves. I suppose that instead of a long comment I could have made a short short comment that ONLY said these words: "God Loves you with an astonishing *Love,* a Love that is _beyond your wildest imagining._ And you have a peleton machine!!!! What in the heck is there to be depressed about????????????" Ok here is something to try. When you have some free time.... just carefully watch the below video (don't skip through it!) and when you get to the part in the video where the guy talks about being in front of God's Throne just pause the video and then imagine and visualize yourself to be right where the guy is... and then look at God from that spot and say to Him *"You are my greatest Adventure..."* kzbin.info/www/bejne/aHq7fpR8jaarZ6M

[@Francisco-j1e]

Theres no point in thinking about the purpose of life, there's been philosophers that thought they found the truth and each time they failed. Maybe the point of life is whatever you think it is at that moment or in fact there is no purpose and that may be okay as well? Theres a video "a 97 year old philosopher faces his own death" found it very interesting.

[@Isa.isa.isa.]

yup

[@xtremesnipes98]

jo what you talk about in this video isnt anything to be worried about people with our illness live life constantly fluxuating like we are on a rollercoaster or out at sea on a boat one minute it is calm waves the nexr a hurricane. the important part is being able to ride the process and come out on the otherside ok because these waves can if not listened to can cause your health to get worse i know too well from experience, my father and me both suffer with it and i call it the brick wall effect a couple times a year i will hit a brick wall that sends my mood personality everything into dangerous territory but then after a week or month i recover and am fine again for how many months, coming off medication will also play some part in the sudden change because we begin to think that the medication doesnt do anything when it actually does im 23 and have been on antidepressants since i was 15 and i know and the my doctor knows im on them for life without them i wouldnt be able to have enough will to recover from the high waves. at present im in a storm and my mental health is low the past three months i have been suffering with spasms and tremours in my body and hands and its scary because the waiting list for a neurologist is a year long and medication wise is just relaxants which dont work, im a master student trying to complete my dissertation funny enough on mental health and creating a better communication strategy for universities to use to help students but because of this undiagnosed condition it has left me in a low place i know i will get through it just dont know how long it will take and what issues it will bring afterwards, it sounds stupid but it might help you if your low and cant rationalise the thoughts in your head write them down or doodle them on a bad because sometimes when we cant explain this illness visual representation can show what we mean better like for me my mind i like a old fashioned libary but moves and changes like the stairs in harry porter with at least twice a day the whole libary moving a such a speed everything is blurry thats how i feel on the insight overwelmed hope you are ok and my own experience and thoughts might help you or someone else remember if you ever need someone to talk to who understands the crazy things that sometimes cant be explained im here for you or anyone for that matter much love.

[@Francisco-j1e]

You cant isolate really.... thats worse. The existential dread...well...i understand that...but my brain creates a "bubble of ignorance" and i can live well...but sometimes i feel sad as well. And there were darker times and dreams i rather not revisit... sometimes not thinking too much is best i guess.

[@writingmelody]

🤗

[@SaraH-xc1df]

Isaiah 40:29 He gives power to the tired one and full might to those lacking strength.

[@hycron1234]

"Freeing yourself from your mind What exactly do you mean by "watching the thinker"? When someone goes to the doctor and says, "I hear a voice in my head," he or she will most likely be sent to a psychiatrist. The fact is that, in a very similar way, virtually everyone hears a voice, or several voices, in their head all the time: the involuntary thought processes that you don't realize you have the power to stop. Continuous monologues or dialogues. You have probably come across "mad" people in the street incessantly talking or muttering to themselves. Well, that's not much different from what you and all other "normal" people do, except that you don't do it out loud. The voice comments, speculates, judges, compares, complains, likes, dislikes, and so on. The voice isn't necessarily relevant to the situation you find yourself in at the time; it may be reviving the recent or distant past or rehearsing or imagining possible future situations. Here it often imagines things going wrong and negative outcomes; this is called worry. Sometimes this soundtrack is accompanied by visual images or "mental movies." Even if the voice is relevant to the situation at hand, it will interpret it in terms of the past. This is because the voice belongs to your conditioned mind, which is the result of all your past history as well as of the collective cultural mind-set you inherited. So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it. It is not uncommon for the voice to be a person's own worst enemy. Many people live with a tormentor in their head that continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy. It is the cause of untold misery and unhappiness, as well as of disease. The good news is that you can free yourself from your mind. This is the only true liberation. You can take the first step right now. Start listening to the voice in your head as often as you can. Pay particular attention to any repetitive thought patterns, those old gramophone records that have been playing in your head perhaps for many years. This is what I mean by "watching the thinker," which is another way of saying: listen to the voice in your head, be there as the witnessing presence. When you listen to that voice, listen to it impartially. That is to say, do not judge. Do not judge or condemn what you hear, for doing so would mean that the same voice has come in again through the back door. You'll soon realize: there is the voice, and here I am listening to it, watching it. This I am realization, this sense of your own presence, is not a thought. It arises from beyond the mind. So when you listen to a thought, you are aware not only of the thought but also of yourself as the witness of the thought. A new dimension of consciousness has come in. As you listen to the thought, you feel a conscious presence - your deeper self - behind or underneath the thought, as it were. The thought then loses its power over you and quickly subsides, because you are no longer energizing the mind through identification with it. This is the beginning of the end of involuntary and compulsive thinking. When a thought subsides, you experience a discontinuity in the mental stream - a gap of "no-mind." At first, the gaps will be short, a few seconds perhaps, but gradually they will become longer. When these gaps occur, you feel a certain stillness and peace inside you. This is the beginning of your natural state of felt oneness with Being, which is usually obscured by the mind. With practice, the sense of stillness and peace will deepen. In fact, there is no end to its depth. You will also feel a subtle emanation of joy arising from deep within: the joy of Being. It is not a trancelike state. Not at all. There is no loss of consciousness here. The opposite is the case. If the price of peace were a lowering of your consciousness, and the price of stillness a lack of vitality and alertness, then they would not be worth having. In this state of inner connectedness, you are much more alert, more awake than in the mind-identified state. You are fully present. It also raises the vibrational frequency of the energy field that gives life to the physical body. As you go more deeply into this realm of no-mind, as it is sometimes called in the East, you realize the state of pure consciousness. In that state, you feel your own presence with such intensity and such joy that all thinking, all emotions, your physical body, as well as the whole external world become relatively insignificant in comparison to it. And yet this is not a selfish but a selfless state. It takes you beyond what you previously thought of as "your self." That presence is essentially you and at the same time inconceivably greater than you. What I am trying to convey here may sound paradoxical or even contradictory, but there is no other way that I can express it. Instead of "watching the thinker," you can also create a gap in the mindstream simply by directing the focus of your attention into the Now. Just become intensely conscious of the present moment. This is a deeply satisfying thing to do. In this way, you draw consciousness away from mind activity and create a gap of no-mind in which you are highly alert and aware but not thinking. This is the essence of meditation. In your everyday life, you can practice this by taking any routine activity that normally is only a means to an end and giving it your fullest attention, so that it becomes an end in itself. For example, every time you walk up and down the stairs in your house or place of work, pay close attention to every step, every movement, even your breathing. Be totally present. Or when you wash your hands, pay attention to all the sense perceptions associated with the activity: the sound and feel of the water, the movement of your hands, the scent of the soap, and so on. Or when you get into your car, after you close the door, pause for a few seconds and observe the flow of your breath. Become aware of a silent but powerful sense of presence. There is one certain criterion by which you can measure your success in this practice: the degree of peace that you feel within. So the single most vital step on your journey toward enlightenment is this: learn to disidentify from your mind. Every time you create a gap in the stream of mind, the light of your consciousness grows stronger. One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it." - Eckhart Tolle.

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You are loved and wanted. God made you for Himself and He loves to hear you talk to Him about everything. Never give up because Jesus never gives up on you.