Diagnosed with autism... (aged 33!)

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with autism at the grand old age of 33. In this video I talk about the traits and habits that led me to diagnosis and how I feel going forward with the condition.
🔀All my autism videos in one handy playlist 🔀: • Autism
👭 Autism in women/girls playlist 👭: • Autism in women/girls
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[@1BlueEyeCreativeStudio]

"High Functioning" = you're excellent at concealing your struggles.

[@PrecociousFriand]

'High functioning' is a term that needs to be binned. It was originally created to describe anyone with autism and an IQ over 85 points. The way it's used now, as in "You seem like you've been doing fine so far" is completely wrong, and also used as a covert insult by people who suddenly think they've qualified specialists and want to suggest that there's nothing wrong with you, you're a fraud, you don't need any assistance, etc.

[@a8lg6p]

Yeah, it's pretty misleading, because it seems to be relative to people who can't tie their own shoelaces or bathe themselves... It doesn't mean "high functioning" compared to people who can easily hold down a job and maintain relationships.

[@jennys9043]

I think I wouldn’t have a severe anxiety disorder if I wasn’t so “high functioning” aka masked heavily for 25 years. Now I finally know that Im autistic and no one really believes me. I’m so nervous to unmask around my partner. High/low functioning labels are so harmful for so many reasons

[@exilemediasrfvideo]

greeneggsandzam technically it was referred as Aspergers but was recategorized High Functioning in the DSM5. People tend to be productive and good at following routines, completing repetitive tasks, but lack interpersonal skills occasionally resulting in the individuals being considered cold, distant, or odd.

[@jschiek8054]

I hate that term. It’s so dismissive of the efforts we put into pretending to be human. Pretense itself is difficult, but to adopt it as an alternate identity for the benefit of others is completely under appreciated and covered up with two very patronizing words.

[@cyberblock7619]

"I pursue things to an extreme level and then drop them" This is exactly me %100, it really annoys people because I know so much about random shit.

[@americanphilosophy2701]

I echo this post

[@artsy1447]

People don't get annoyed but I get annoyed because they aren't as interested in random facts 😂 also they just think I'm weird

[@urdadsfinsta]

Damnit stop being relatable!

[@vibys1]

i thought that was a common thing, it isnt?

[@ThePositivewave]

I do to, Why do autistic people suddenly drop a hobby or interest that they invested so much money and time in??

[@LibbyGrindell]

"it's not my fault I know a lot of stuff" ❤️ and I've just realised I often pretend to know less than I do, or say something I know is definitely true prefaced with "I think I read online somewhere" so I don't come across as a know-it-all...

[@Brutishandshort]

I feel seen reading this.

[@whichwitch96]

Omg I do that

[@Drakeblood97]

Same, I always feigned ignorance to make it seem like I wasn't as attentive as I really am.

[@alicianorris9352]

You mean, other people do this too?? I feel so heard/seen! Lol

[@rosiesmith2597]

This completely. I learned very on that if you pretend you don't know people aren't butt heads towards you. It's engraved into my conscious now, say I don't know, or oh I didn't know that.

[@juiice]

”Tell me about yourself” OMG I hate interviews. They're basically a test of social skills. ”Give me an example” is another one I can't answer.

[@faithandautism-myjourney264]

Juiice yes!!!! Totally.

[@7550375503]

@juiice: no daises here. You're just a spoiled brat who always gets their way.

[@positivepenny5477]

I anyways respond, in what way? About education, past jobs, skills? I'm starting to understand that's not a very typical answer...

[@7550375503]

Wow ! You're supposed to hate on me now...

[@tallulah2]

Just summarize what brings you into the interview room. Like, “I’ve been working in (field) for the last (number) of years, gaining experience in (skills), and I’m looking forward to applying those skills in (new field/role). Be specific and replace the stuff in parenthesis. They’re just looking for a short narrative to get a handle on where you’re coming from. Keep it professional, not personal. You don’t need to mention hobbies, personal qualities, or kids.

[@Grymbaldknight]

"The whole world is one giant theatre production, and you don't have the script." That is the most accurate way to describe socialising as an autistic person. Thank you for helping me to put it into words.

[@darkangelkate3950]

And technology has made it so much worse. Especially if you are 70 years old

[@kyauyss]

@@darkangelkate3950 I don’t get it. Can you elaborate?

[@timmyturner7494]

"All the world is a stage."

[@seazenbones6945]

I have seen about 8 psychologists since 1993, I’m 61 now. I would mention that I had social anxiety. This was universally poo-pooed by them. I was depressed and stressed. I’m on antidepressants now. They don’t work, for me. My 24 yo son was recently diagnosed with ADHD. His symptoms reflected my own. He urged me to see my GP. I did that yesterday. The questionnaire they handed me, made sense instantly. I googled the symptoms on my phone and to my surprise, your video popped up in my KZbin feed. In the three videos I’ve watched, you have described myself and my behaviour in detail. Thank you 🙏

[@meganhulings9670]

Just had a job interview as a prop designer and was asked the "tell me about yourself" question and made an absolute fool of myself by just regurgitating the education section on my resume. My main interviewer and I just stared at each other for a bit before one of the others took over, but that was the worst feeling, realizing that wasn't the answer he wanted and not knowing the answer to that. P.S.: I got the job and I start this Thursday!

[@cambibambi3746]

Don't worry about that and don't fear that question ever. Interviews are awkward but take up more space in the room than the interviewer and answer the questions.

[@libig8245]

Nice I hope you still have the job

[@edgbarra]

I'm so glad you got the job! I hope you enjoy it

[@lucyl.4356]

I'm 72 years old and I've never been diagnosed.....but I know finally why I've struggled my whole life. You explain so we'll! I thank you for sharing your journey, it's so difficult trying to fit in.

[@cherylyoke4872]

I don’t know if you’ll see this but like you, I now realize I’m likely autistic. I go back and forth between feeling it’s definite and wondering if it’s just a possibility. No official diagnosis, but everything points to it. Stimming since childhood. Feeling like an alien. Esoteric interests I become immersed in. Executive function problems…messiest desk, messiest locker, cluttered house…embarrassed that I’m not normal.

[@chrismcwilliams3552]

I’m 68 years old and I am working up to being officially diagnosed. I have taken a rather large online test and scored rather highly on it. Are there any books that would help me through this discernment?

[@darkangelkate3950]

Lucy, I am 70 and I have finally realized what is going on with me. In some ways I feel relieved because now I know why. Take care.

[@lucyl.4356]

@@cherylyoke4872 Hi Cheryl, I am only seeing this for the first time I’m sorry for not responding sooner. It is too bad that we could not have known what we were up against instead of feeling odd, strange and not feeling like we ever fit in. The most frustrating thing for me was if I made a friend in all likelihood I would not keep them for very long. Conversations were strained, soon I exhausted all 10 stories about myself and the discomfort and panic would move in and it was over. I’d run before they noticed. 2020 was the year I realized how great it was that I did not have to make any efforts to socialize and nobody actually could notice my awkwardness. People seemed to be so upset at having to be socially distancing. I was so relaxed and happy and I then figured something is really wrong…. but nope I finally started to find myself. I’m ok just different! I’d been stimming my whole life I still do now at 74. Anyways I do wish I would have known a lot sooner and learned how to enjoy my journey better. I wish you the best Cheryl.

[@lucyl.4356]

@@chrismcwilliams3552 Hi Chris most of everything I have learned has been online and KZbin. It was helpful to find channels about seniors being diagnosed late in life. Hearing what they dealt with and realizing omg this is exactly what I’ve dealt with for 72 years. That was liberating. I hope you find the answers that will give you peace. You deserve it!

[@observer.b_e_l_l_i_s]

"Its not my fault when i know a lot of stuff." Dear god yes. As though someone should be punished for obsessive research.

[@summerrknight24]

Yes ..and the frustration

[@chanuppuluri8726]

Yes, but like... nobody asked for the full explanation :/ I learned a lot later...

[@mysticmardi]

Thee Parris Hill I used to feel guilty because I was such a prolific songwriter

[@observer.b_e_l_l_i_s]

@@chanuppuluri8726 Can totally relate, i learnt to stay the hell away from other humans a lot later.

[@vimelody3971]

Yeees omg yes!

[@Jimbo386000]

I’m on a waiting list to get tested. I’m 26 and ever since high school I’ve started being good at masking, but once you’re an adult, it becomes harder to mask cause there are no cliques and no one to imitate.

[@TheMercury-13]

I found it free-er, easier after school; less judgement? Guess it depends where you have to work tho', & maybe different for men? *I didn't imitate peers, I mimicked film/ rock stars & people I liked the look of on TV, so I still had that after school 😂 Good luck; 1 good thing about ageing is you get far more confidence & strength to be yourself! x

[@cward1954]

After high school, it seems that it would be easier not to mask. Just be yourself, excel with your talents, and let others try to imitate you. Then again, I graduated high school almost 28 years ago, and I never was big on cliques anyway.

[@tiasara9643]

Yikes, yeah. I imitated EVERYone, still do but lm selective now. It’s futile.

[@Brutishandshort]

@@cward1954 the neurotypical extortion to 'be yourself' is slightly frustrating when the you that you are results in social ostracism. I have learnt to be myself without struggling to be liked, particularly following my diagnosis, because I know now that I cannot force myself to behave correctly. But it feels like it's really easy to say 'be yourself' if you've never experienced the straight-up revulsion that neurotypical people seem to display to someone who is 'weird'.

[@mcsmama]

@@Brutishandshort OMG, thank you so much for putting this into words! The gaslighting I have experienced b/c people think I'm "nuts" to think this is happening, & insist that this DOESN'T actually happen! Ugh! Of course, they want me to "be myself", you know, the 'normal one", not the weird one that always says inappropriate things! I am just so exhausted with TRYING so hard not to say or do the wrong thing that I avoid people so I can breathe. :(

[@cyberblock7619]

I've never in my entire life heard anyone describe so many things that relate to me, my mind is blown 🤯

[@alancameron6937]

Cyberblock wow me too

[@PendragonWinchester]

I'm 37 and was diagnosed last year. Shortly after I started looking for a new job and was, for the first time (in almost 20 years of working) completely honest in my interviews and didn't try to figure out what they wanted me to say. I got hired and start in a couple of weeks.

[@audreygardner9406]

I'm also 37. I was diagnosed with autism 4 years ago.

[@tdeuce7]

This makes me happy and hopeful 💞

[@rahbeeuh]

Makes me so hopeful and I'm so happy things worked out for you

[@xinaesthetic]

Hope the career continues to go well, greetings from Winchester.

[@talitaza8862]

"High functioning" - your struggles are ignored "Low functioning" - your strengths are ignored

[@mrmeekcreices]

wow you nailed it on the head! Ive worked with low functioning kids and all the ABA therapist cared about was trying to teach them how to be "normal". I'm not diagnosed but I may have autism, and I know from experience when trying to explain to people my struggles they always talk them down and basically ignore them. It's such bulls&*!

[@talitaza8862]

I heard the quote somewhere... Not sure, but it might have come from Dr Temple Grandin. I haven't been formally assessed either, but am 100% sure I'm on the spectrum. I am also alone with my struggles. I have no one to talk to. No one seems to even try to understand. If it wasn't for my intense interests, I would be horribly lonely. BUT: just knowing I am Autistic is a gift in itself and thanks to others that has come before us, there is so much literature and video's like this one available that can help and guide us. All we can do is keep growing our collective knowledge on Autism and do our part in helping future generations of Autistics live in a world that is more hospitable than ours. All the best, Melissa. 🌻

[@danceinocean]

"info slurped everything about celiac disease" I had to laugh just a bit because I was just diagnosed with autism and of course now I am obsessively researching everything about autism.

[@llfmama]

danceinocean same. I got diagnosed monday

[@shakeitlikeanaries128]

same :P

[@Gulush]

I'm currently pursuing a diagnosis and ever since I found out it could be a possibility, all I've done is research constantly about it.

[@johnhandelaar]

(*I* laughed because literally all of us are gluten-intolerant to some degree. It was even the actual topic of the fraudulent 'research' that Andrew Wakefield unethically conducted on children, for that reason...)

[@edgbarra]

Omg same here. I started to learn about autism as soon as my psychologist suggested the possibility that I have it

[@fantasyfanperson]

I tend to pursue an interest for a while, go deep and then get burnt out and drop it. Usually I come back to them eventually. So it's good to hear the way I pursue those isn't necessarily non-autistic, since I'm still in the process of diagnosis.

[@TheBAZZiX]

You might be really high in Openness

[@meganhulings9670]

I'm the same way!

[@sharonoddlyenough]

Yup. I learned to knit, then I learned how to make knitting needles, then I learned how wool was processed, then I learned how to spin wool, then I learned the ukulele. Update: I've been learning watercolour painting, but I realised I need to brush up on my drawing skills, and a youtube drawing teacher suggested fountain pens, so now I have a new collection and I am learning everything about fountain pens. Edit: I am now learning Swedish because reasons, and I am going as fast as I can before I get distracted by something else.

[@rachael11]

Same! Except for the ukulele.

[@ggggia]

Lol that's how it starts with me too! For example: It starts with learning how to paint a chair, then it becomes about learning how the paint is made, then it becomes about making THE paint and testing it until it's right. Now that I know how to make paint, I must repurpose old furniture. Then I repurpose a piece of furniture and then I notice I have had my fill and now I want to learn how wood carving works. I have the wood, I got my dremel, and wood carving tools. I just need to do it but I must first watch a hundred and ten tutorials on it. My profession? Network engineer.

[@staceyme1480]

First I learned to crochet, then knit, then sew, then tablet weaving, historical hand sewing, embroidery, learn about historical fabrics/clothes, oh but let's make an explosion box ooh that's fun, then knit in circles in order to make historical hose (stockings), oh no xmas time special giftwrapping/decorations, hey let's write a song, learn piano, etc.... aka, jep I completely understand and relate. Drives hubby nuts...😅😅

[@ggggia]

@@staceyme1480 For real!! We have so many skills. I feel like the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none" was created for people like us. But then I do know too much of a lot of ridiculous things too. I can infodump the hell out of the things I know. Sadly, 80% of it all is completely useless. 😬

[@ceciliaeastwood8947]

I relate entirely. My current new hobby apart from doing agility competitions with my dog, is wire weaving jewellery. I have invested in all the tools and equipment and should be making something instead of writing this. Problem is, it is also keeping me up all hours of the night, as once I start a piece, I can’t put it down until it is finished. I hope I persevere at this, as often I burn myself with hobbies by overdoing things.

[@ChristinaLeeDotMeditationAu]

I was 40 when diagnosed a few months ago. Is it just me or do we all have such similar life experiences? I feel like I have found so many other people who went through what I did and we are just now finding one another. So awesome to finally belong and be understood!

[@1BlueEyeCreativeStudio]

I'm 43 and I've not been diagnosed by a doctor. I've just started watching a few of these videos in the past week, really. And, I cried through each one, feeling that finally, I have some answers as to why I have felt so damn different all my life! Why did it take me so long to figure this out?! For so long, I was from another planet, because I was definitely not having the same experience as everyone else. I took the AQ test, yesterday and got a result of 34. I'm not really sure what that means for me. I know that taking an online quiz at home in my jammies doesn't really compare to an actual diagnosis, but I figured I had to start somewhere. I don't know what the next step is for me, but I feel a whole lot better about myself than I did a few weeks ago. I think that watching these videos, especially this one, and interacting with the wonderful comments here, is a giant step in the right direction for me. For all of us.

[@ChristinaLeeDotMeditationAu]

R Shelhart welcome home! If you are on FB, there is a huge community of us out there. Lots of activist women who are our age bring awareness and supporting one another. When you know, you know. Self identification is completely valid unless and if you have the means and desire to get a diagnosis, do your research first because there are a LOT of misinformed professionals out there. I saw a therapist weekly for 15 years and she “didn’t see it”. I had to let her go and find my truth. Reach out if you have any questions. And good luck on your journey!

[@1BlueEyeCreativeStudio]

@@ChristinaLeeDotMeditationAu Thank you for your kind reply! I appreciate the welcome and encouragement. I may check out Facebook, though sometimes I find FaceBook completely overwhelming. No idea why. But I will try to reach out and connect. It's always been difficult for me, but I think it's worth doing.

[@MagickFireWolf]

I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist 5 years ago. I'm 49 now. It shed a lot of light on why my life has been and still is the way it is.

[@PrecociousFriand]

@@1BlueEyeCreativeStudio It is incredibly frustrating and then you go through all the stages like grieving. One of those stages is anger at everyone else for either not realizing what seems bleeding obvious/not helping you/blaming you. Once that's kind of done, then you get to being more accepting of yourself as well as undoing all the masking. It's a hard road.

[@neshiah4747]

Social interaction: Hell on earth.

[@valeriepradeau9601]

It really is.

[@kitnolan8090]

It's strange because I like being around people, I just have a terrible time making new friends.

[@flossyarchibeque7394]

social interaction=people=origin of all my mental health and chemical dependency issues in attempts to mask and adapt and "act normal" for the comfort of others around me. That's probably what hell is, different takes on social situations that went wrong in your past life- with no bathroom to hide in or side exit.

[@lyndacrossland8982]

63 and awaiting testing, hopefully my whole life will make a lot more sense. Been doing a fair bit of research and it's like a jigsaw puzzle of me all coming together....

[@josephbarr6423]

Thanks. Me too. Amazing and a relief to know that at this age it is not too late. My Lord has given me courage to persevere. I hope to YT my thoughts before very long.

[@josephbarr6423]

Thanks Sam and Lynda

[@TyStudhead]

EXACTLY. All coming together.

[@GedenWilbur]

I am so shook at how "Me peeps" use the same phrases I do. How could I not have seen it. Holy shit

[@marykyle6611]

I literally just said that to my daughter-it’s like a big puzzle that has just fallen together! I’m 60... figuring out how to start a journey to diagnosis.

[@MiguelMartinez-ou5wk]

True story... I'm 28 but when I was 18, my mom told me that I was diagnosed with autism as a little kid but she was in denial and said I was normal. I went on to live a normal life not knowing that I had autism, and when my mom told me that, I just told myself that i dont have it. But later on in life i was getting more aware of what autism is and I've been seeing videos like yours and then it hit me. I might have autism because I go through a lot of the things people describe so I went to the doctor to get tested as an adult. It turns out I was autistic my whole life and never realized it. My friends and my partner dont know and I'm not sure how to tell them.

[@brothertn708]

Hispanic moms are the worst, they simply deny whatever dr tells them is wrong with their child just so they don’t have to spend extra money to fix the problem 😹😹😹... anyway, being autistic is cool now, you should let everyone know you’re autistic, especially your gf/bf so she can finally understand why you’re so damn weird but don’t worry she will love you even more!

[@MiguelMartinez-ou5wk]

@@brothertn708 lol, it's always been hush hush with Hispanic moms but yeah that's very true

[@evientually]

I had the same experience with my parents! My Dad just kind of went "Don't tell her or she'll think she's special." WHAT. I already knew I was different, I just thought I was broken. I found out a couple of months ago when I talked to my Mom about my suspicions that I might be on the spectrum, and she said "You were diagnosed with Asperger's in 1990. And we just didn't tell you." I'm 39 and no one thought to mention that, not even through a number of different problems and issues that would have been better understood through a different lens??

[@roadlesstraveled34]

When I was 11 I read a babysitter club book that featured an autistic child and when my parents and I were out to dinner I asked about what it was, but it was 1996 and they really couldn't answer any better than "it's kind of like you're in your own little world.." and I said "maybe I'm autistic" (since that's something I'd heard about myself every day of my life) and my parents went "NOO!! NO no no no! It's not like that" then they went on to describe someone with severe autism, and that was of course the best they knew that long ago, so they tried but it just wasn't spoken of mainstream (and mainly pre Internet) like it is now. Well a couple decades later GUESS WHO WAS RIGHT?!😂 Before my diagnosis I told my mom I think I'm autistic and she said "Yeah I think you are too." Well well well.....😅

[@Cyanmoon1]

EVERYTHING YOU SAID HERE. I was just diagnosed a month ago, at the age of 42. My whole life makes sense now, and it's such a relief! Having a label gives me a framework for understanding why I am the way I am, and it is so validating. I have also been very, very good at masking for my entire life. I have been dealing with 'autistic burnout' for the last 6 months or so, and as a result I'm discovering that I no longer have the energy or capacity to mask much of anything anymore. Mostly it's a huge relief to 'let it all hang out' so to speak... but I have had moments of doubt about exactly what you mention, about people thinking I look 'more autistic' now... and I have some anxiety about people thinking I'm acting or seeking sympathy. Thank you so much for your videos, it's really comforting and kind of... 'centering'... to have someone to relate to x x

[@Cyanmoon1]

@Jennifer Watkins I don't know where you live, but I live in Ireland... I paid €600 for a consultation and in-depth assessment. The psych who assessed me said normally you'd pay another €600 for an IQ assessment to rule out learning/cognitive delays but as I have two undergrad degrees and am in the middle of a Master's he was willing to waive that portion of the assessment.

[@angelfoodcake1979]

Did you not find it weird with colleagues to be the autistic person? I'm scared of that possibility and have not gotten tested. I cope and I mask. I mask an awful lot and I'm worried what will happen if I stop or am known.

[@Cyanmoon1]

@@angelfoodcake1979 I reached a point where I was afraid I *wouldn't* be known. I am part-time employed at a college for learners with additional needs, so I'm lucky that I'm surrounded there by other professionals who are familiar and comfortable around autistic people. Of course I can't advise anyone else! But I will say that even though I didn't really choose to stop masking, doing so was SO, SO FREEING.

[@davidbennett2820]

@@angelfoodcake1979I'm also 42 and not yet diagnosed but I've learned that masking for a few minutes is called acting, a few hours is grifting, a few days is conning, a few weeks is lying, longer is a delusion, longer still is a narrative. It's still shame, we've noting to be ashamed of. We're great an with freedom, can be better for ourselves. Watched Pride on Disney+ anddnoticed the theme of hide v pride, shame is what we tell ourselves when we're unsure.

[@bbdn5123]

Hi everyone!! I'm doing research a lot about stuff that interests me and this is me going in hyper focus. I've experienced a lot of stuff in my life, like traumatic experiences ongoing, haven't we all? 10 Years ago or something I've been diagnosed with depression. But now I'm on the road of being diagnosed again. I'm on the waiting list, probably cptsd. However I came to find out in the past years I'm certainly HSP. My cousin is autistic and we got along quiet well, like I understood him much better (lots of egotistical people out there, they disregard feelings and situations/events). My empathy is overwhelming me, it's too much since I leave people in their value, I have loving soft energy, I speak calmly, this I've been told by numerous people throughout my life, children and animal's are drawn to me, like they know and feel I'm safe, I love nature and science. I'm really working super hard my whole life to be outgoing/accepted. I loved reading books, my family jokingly said I read bibles cuz they were thick books, I took them in the public transportation and read them. Ever since I was young I was interested in psychology. It might be my way of understanding things better like people and myself? I grew up being super shy, probably afraid to be laughed at when speaking my truths, or being hit. Growing up with overwhelmed divorced parents, at least one of them is a narcissist and the other probably too (or at least shows tendencies), I got abused by them and also my siblings. I always felt alone, I learned myself it's better to be alone so I wouldn't get hurt anymore. So I developed this tendency to isolate. After getting triggered/overwhelmed once more 1,5 weeks ago I haven't left my house. I feel like i need to calm down. And reconnect with my true self underneath it all. I wasn't able to cry for at least 2 years. So now I'm overflowing with emotions, finally. It's all coming out the past 2 years. In this past 3 years I went no contact with family, I moved, haven't told anyone anything. I isolated after last traumatic events. No one called. I wasn't much on speaking terms before leaving the family home, I lived there 6 months, no one spoke to me. I received silent treatments. Like I understand people who undergone holocaust terror war situations. It's hard to fathom. Last year I received news; my father stabbed his ex partner. I already thought i was crazy, that feeling amplified over the last past years and when receiving this news it was like a confirmation, yes I'm crazy. Before and during this time I felt bodily pains throughout my body, they travelled through my body, or they dissapeared and or reappeared. This made me feel even more crazy. How am I going to take myself seriously?! I could go on, but I just received a phone call, it interrupted my flow. I see so much overlap in different diagnosis. I think we can all relate somehow. We're human, we feel the same feelings. Although it might feel more intense then others. Deep down I feel I'm an alien. When I was 14 years old I took the Meyers Briggs test; INFJ T was the outcome. I only remembered this 3 years ago when I took the test again and got the same result, I saw the picture, it made me realise I've taken the test before. I'm 36 years now (I can't believe it, I feel like an infant or someone in their 80's). Well, if anyone can relate, or you perhaps have some advice, I'd be delighted. I managed so far and so have you, I'm sure. Everyone deserves a care free, loving environment. I hope to be able to make my contribution when I leave my house. I don't want anyone to feel this alone and shattered deep down. So I hope someone gets my message. I'm tensed and sweaty over here, it takes a lot out of me to be open and vulnerable. I have so much love to give within it overwhelms me. Somehow I'm not redirecting it to my self. For my self love and worth. I've always seen myself as a chameleon with whomever I hang out with, I become them sort of... My identity I can't seem to hold on, I lose it when I'm surrounded with people, especially negative toxic environments. The past 2 years I've been diagnosed with restless legs and fibromyalgia. And now my back has an inflammation, I need to contact the physiotherapist, it's been almost 2 months ago now, executive dysfunction and self sabotage at its finest? The stabbing pains are going from the back to my toe. I'm so much in my head, I can't go in my body. When I do yoga and get in touch I cry, get overwhelmed panick attack, I'm pushing myself really hard and at the same time trying to be more loving and compassionate towards myself. I love warm soft cuddly things, am I regressing/autistic? So many questions, i need to figure myself out. However rewiring my brain is painful and exhausting. This program needs to be rewritten. I'm rebooting, I've put antivirus in, yes- I am a robot, ha! Take care guys!!! 🌌💖💫

[@mishishki]

Hey Sam, I was diagnosed a year ago at the age of 28. It was such a relief, but I oftentimes still feel like a fraud.. thank you for sharing your story, it really helps a lot, to hear from others.. ❤️

[@YoSamdySam]

Sorry I've only just got round to commenting (can you say executive dysfunction!?) but thanks so much for your kind comment. Sam

[@particleconfig.8935]

A fraud? Thing I heard of is ''impostors syndrome'' which people on the spectrum seem to suffer under more. Look it up darling ;)

[@Alegria162]

How do you deal with the rollercoaster of interests? I have the same. I have so many interests, or hobbies that I'd like to pursue. But I can't possibly do all of them! So what happens, is exactly what you describe. I go ALL IN, for a while, and then stop, and then go ALL IN on something else. But that doesn't get me anywhere on any of the interests! I'm missing a bigger goal, a passion to keep pursuing. How do you do this, or how do you deal with the struggle?

[@YoSamdySam]

I generally have two categories of obsessions - hobby type things and intellectual interests. I generally indulge my intellectual interest on a topic as much as possible. It's the hobby stuff which ends up being expensive and then sitting in the attic for years... I try and limit myself in that respect.

[@sarahsuero]

This sounds like me. I go hard into a topic then get to a stopping point and then switch. No idea how to small talk, beginning 2013 I had to teach myself how to small talk and it takes tremendous conscious effort.

[@errorASMR]

story of my life..

[@sleazybtd]

Why do you feel that you only need to pursue ONE interest? As long as you're going all in into whatever interests you for now, you ARE pursuing a passion. Your passion just happens to change after a while. I see nothing wrong with this. I would disagree with your statement that it doesn't get you anywhere on any of the interests. Everything you've learned during your deep dive is knowledge and experience gained and satisfied whatever made you pursue it in the first place. I believe that having multiple interests over the course of your life is better. Combining those interests can come up with interesting results. For example, I tinkered with circuit designs, building electronic devices, and understanding my building's steam boiler over the years. Short story short, we bought the wrong replacement controller for the boiler. The boiler controller was incompatible with our boiler, but after I was done with it, everything was running fine. Every boiler mechanic that's come in keeps saying that what I did was impossible. This was the result of the combination of a bunch of previous interests.

[@eibeelee2890]

I do this too... it makes me feel like I’m no particularly great at anything.

[@musiclifegage7370]

To me, Autism is not a disorder.. it is simply a different order.. To me, Autism is the link between who we were and who we are becoming, as a whole, as a species..thank you for your video. Much love and best wishes.

[@ID1visor]

Interesting perspective :). Remember, in a homogenised society that's running itself off a cliff, every order that goes against the existing disorder masked as order is a disorder.

[@r.d.6290]

Autism, at least its mild form, does not make a person suffer so much. Mildly-autistic people are no threat for society. But yet, autistic people suffer from social rejection most of the time, even though they did nothing wrong, they are just who they are.

[@TheLesExit]

Autism is such a huge spectrum that I don't know if this statement is accurate. I think there is a huge difference between an individual who operates a little different socially and an individual who is nonverbal, prone to emotional/violent outbursts & self-harming. I don't know how anyone could look at people with severe forms of autism is just call it a "different order".

[@ross8723]

TheLesExit agreed. It’s important to understand the fact that autism is a spectrum. You can be high functioning or low functioning. Those with autism who are high functioning can interact and be a part of society and maybe even excel. However, those with autism that are low functioning are quite evidently different and thus do not fit in comfortably with society

[@Jess_Plume]

I like to call it a Neurological Condition, shortly a condition.

[@mediacenterman8583]

Glad you got your diagnosis. I am nearly 50 and have been told that the likely diagnosis is Autism Spectrum Disorder. My masking was so convincing that when I had an epic breakdown colleagues thought it was just malingering or stroppiness. My traits have cost me my physical health, career, & my partner. I was an administrator, but the multI-tasking, open plan office and change to routine caused me to meltdown and be sacked. That's how undiagnosed autism can derail your life.

[@MOJORAPSCALLION]

This sounds like me! I hope you find some answers and things improve for you x

[@Girlsplaybass]

😢 I’m facing the sack due to the exact same thing! So tragic

[@ali_yayyy]

I’m a 30 year old female going through the diagnostic process and I needed to hear this

[@scottevans1953]

I'm 67 and just realizing I may be on the spectrum. I was shocked, then amused, then relieved. I have always been very high functioning, independent, verbal and a successful musician. Never the less I fit the definitions almost to a tee. I always knew I was different. I just didn't know what was at the base of it. Thank you for the video.

[@31zn3kc4m]

every hyperfixation (and special interest as well) i had were always dismissed as "phases" by my friends and family growing up and it was that that made me realize it wasn't normal to hyperfixate on things to the extent that i did which lead me to looking into autism and adhd and i honestly tick all the boxes and my mum still doesn't believe me because "everyone's like that" and she doesn't want to consider that she may have ASD as well :'(

[@ChristineSalus]

Hi! Just found your channel. Thanks for sharing your story and I'm looking forward to watching more of your videos. I can relate to a LOT of what you say, especially about masking. I'm 39 and was diagnosed earlier this year. I used to be friends with someone would intend to insult me by saying I was on the spectrum when I acted "weird" or behaved in unexpected ways. Little did she know...

[@YoSamdySam]

I'm so glad you said you "used" to be friends - you don't need someone like that in your life!

[@positivepenny5477]

My oblivious butt would have said, you really think so？why?? Then I would have binge read about it like I am now and maybe have realized it years ago... But probably for the best you are no longer friends!!

[@darthvaderginsburg4694]

I cannot express to you how glad I am that I found this video. I am reluctant to share this, but I am 4 months shy of turning 50 and I was diagnosed with High Function Autism (Asperger's) last week. No, I am not kidding. I am even more dumbfounded trying to express properly how good it feels to *finally* understand W_T_H has been going on in my life for the past five decades. I am scrolling through these comments and all I can say is that it makes so much sense to me now. Totally mind blowing reading my thoughts coming out of other people's mouths(hands). I don't possess the vocabulary to accurately express how good I feel to *finally* understanding my life & myself. I have felt like either an anachronism or an alien from another planet for the past 49 1/2 years. To finally "get it' has been one of the greatest feelings of my entire life. TYVM for sharing your experiences and life here on KZbin. I have been struggling with accepting what the Shrinks and Specialists have been telling me. I honestly thought they were messing with me, TBH. Turns out they are 100% accurate and I owe them all an apology. Again, TYVM for sharing this. I means more than I can say.

[@kathrynbownes2260]

Hi my name is Melissa. And although I've never been diagnosed as autistic, I have suspected it quite strongly ever since I was in primary school. And listening to you talk about being autistic is such a relief and healing thing cause you're saying alot of how I've been feeling for years and have battled to put into describable words. 😊 Thank you so much. I hope to one day see a therapist and hopefully be diagnosed officially 😢❤

[@susanvanheel4382]

Can totally relate to your experience. I am now 66, and it is good to hear that all the suffering I went through wasn’t my fault, and I am not a bad, abnormal person. I am more proud of who I

[@HarrietFitzgerald580]

I embarked on a journey a year ago. Finally was assessed and everything was dismissed. I was labeled with bpd, which was a previous diagnosis I had. I do believe I had bpd, I now present traits. I was so disappointed. I brought in an 8 page document, scored highly on the questionnaires and explained my situation to the best of my ability. I realize now in hindsight I was masking during the hour interview with the resident who evaluated me. I made eye contact, answered his questions, tried to remain on topic, etc. I'm nearing on 30 and so of course have had many years of masking experience. Side note, totally related to the hair comment, up and down and up and down. 😅

[@mooncatandberyl5372]

Many adult females have had their autism misdiagnosed as borderline personality disorder.

[@lysagreen2314]

I have not pursued formal diagnosis as I am in USA and am not insured, but I totally understand your situation. I have been diagnosed as an adult with everything from depression to schizophrenia, including BPD and Bipolar, but it always kept changing as I never met enough symptoms to fit. Consequently, not many of the meds or treatments really worked very well. I expect if I did pursue a diagnosis, they would probably try to resurrect one or more of my previous diagnoses. So I am stuck.

[@gagrin1565]

Having a family member or other support able to validate your behaviour as a third-party may well be helpful for the diagnosis process. I was lucky enough to be able to rope in my mother who could confirm and detail areas I was blind to myself.

[@GedenWilbur]

@@lysagreen2314 And then feeling hopeless as if maybe you are just reaching because nothing fits perfectly, and maybe you are just shitty at life and omg the struggle is real man.

[@diannepenny407]

How frustrating for you. My son's Asperger's assessment a few years ago went a similar way - he made eye contact and was verbally articulate, so was told he wasn't aspergic - when he's a walking text book of it. Wondering about saving up the pennies for a private diagnosis - for the both of us...

[@cowatarian.]

"Its not my fault if I know a lot of stuff" XD

[@brothertn708]

😹😹😹

[@chongxina8288]

I know exactly what she means. 🤣 How do you navigate dumb opinions of the ill informed without hurting their feelings or seeming arrogant. I bet a lot of us have this issue.

[@pisscvre69]

When I’m going through tough times my carefully crafted attempts at being socially competent fall apart and I always make someone mad which makes things worse, people don’t realize how much time and energy I put into trying to translate what I feel to words that they’ll understand because I don’t just know communication it’s a task that I have to work at and sometimes I’m just to overwhelmed by life to fit people’s expections of me and it’s so frustrating to try so hard and yet manage to make people think I’m not trying, this alone has taken me like 10 minutes to type and I still feel like it’s probaly going to come across wrong cuz now is one of those times I’m struggling and I just wish I wasn’t so scared of the people I love but I am because they mean so much to me and I know my difficulties could push them away and I’ve been rejected so much and often worry I’ll never have long term relationships and that ties into also haveing bpd with the extent of emotional distress this all causes me but it’s just so hard to want nothing from life but connection and be so bad at it

[@cassandrajoiner9933]

I know your struggle.

[@bellavue80]

I can relate to all of this.

[@arlenka1176]

you have expressed yourself very well. please dont dispair. I was and still am in love with sb I am very sure has asperger's and that doesnt make me love him any less. he literally sucks at empathy and can be extremely hurtful but you know what, we all have some not ideal parts about ourselves, and as he once said himself "your light only exists because of your shadow". you may suck at connecting but you must have other great qualities, and the right people will notice them and learn to cherish them. i for example value honesty, even the most brutal one, so much more than plenty other traditional qualities. Unluckily for all of us, we live in times when showing one's true colors is not considered as welcome, there is a lot of fakeness, but this will change, i am very hopeful. you will need to endure some more tough times but let me tell you my opinion : the most amazing people I have met are those who I would say are the most rare, the least conventional, and the least fitting into the standards of the "society".

[@shilpas4128]

i literally just created a channel so i could reply to your comment. You just described what I've been feeling my whole life but was never able to put into words. thank you for this

[@samiredale5173]

I recently discovered this about myself, as well, at the age of 48 - not because I hadn't been diagnosed; but because no one had told me of my diagnosis, until I voiced my suspicions to my mother in a phone conversation. "Oh, yeah! They told me when you were two that you ... " Knowing this has brought me a great deal of clarity about struggles and sometimes specific events in my life.

[@mouseluva]

I am having an assessment for autism next week and I am nervous in case I am not diagnosed because then I am just weird and socially useless for no reason and how will I ever explain that to employers??? I really relate to your experiences with the 'obsessive interest' criteria and feel reassured that maybe I do have a leg to stand on and there isn't anything wrong with me. I might send my parents this video. Thank you for sharing your experience :)

[@sircharlesmormont9300]

Thanks for posting. I'm a 36-year-old woman, never diagnosed, and it's interesting to hear your post-diagnosis experience. I live in the U.S., where healthcare is expensive, so even though people who are close to me have informed me of my autistic traits and I've gone on to read several books and articles on the subject, I hesitate to start an expensive medical process for... uncertain, if any, gain. Autism makes the puzzle of me make sense. I'll keep watching your videos to glean more insights. I am especially interested in coping strategies for sensory overload at work.

[@annansmith7382]

Sir Charles Mormont same here!!

[@sarahholson1044]

Yes! I dont understand how all these people get diagnosed. It sounds too easy. I don't even want to go to the doctor's office once because of the cost. Let alone my not wanting to initially communicate that I think I may be on the spectrum. I get anxiety thinking about the whole thing. So I binge videos and articles about autism in women instead.

[@gagrin1565]

34, diagnosed about 4 months ago - relief is exactly the way I describe it. It's like the world suddenly made sense. They've described it as high functioning and I think in a general sense that's true, but the stress around employment is... problematic. At least now I know why it's been so difficult and can start asking for the right sort of help.

[@leeboriack8054]

Sam, understandably you feel like 33 is late, imagine there are people coming to grips with ASD in their 50's or worse never at all. Keep up your wonderful work! You are a positive influence for so many people. Thank you.

[@frenzyviz6296]

Hi, I was diagnosed at 53.

[@YoSamdySam]

Welcome to the club!

[@richardcoronado4081]

Me at 43! Now I don't feel so isolated! I'm Missy. This is my husband's phone. I forgot to charge mine.

[@particleconfig.8935]

I love prime numbers !

[@thomasdalby3567]

i was 27 lol hard life but 9x9 is 81 i like hyper consentration :D

[@particleconfig.8935]

@@thomasdalby3567 nice consent ration =D

[@tamarajessup1398]

I'm 57 and have suspected I'm autistic for over 5 years but been unable to get tested because I don't have proper insurance and what I have won't pay for it because I'm not a child any longer. Thank you for your videos; they have made a huge difference in my life. I've been diagnosed with mental illnesses and finally became very depressed with life because it seemed to become such a mess and there didn't appear to be anything I could do no matter how much I learned about mental health.

[@caoimhedoesstuff9293]

The ‘everybody got given the script except me’ hits hard. Same with the interests thing. I learnt to crochet so then I learnt to 3D print crochet hooks and then I learnt to write my own patterns then I tried and failed to learn how to dye my own wool. I’m also obsessed with video games and completing them 100%, I learnt ukulele, I learnt piano, I learnt to sew, weave, needle felt and so many other hobbies.

[@jamessawyer1331]

Even my youtube tabs has literally 10 different subject and my wife would just get so baffled how I can go from political commentary to 3d Printing then to Gaming then to movies.

[@92Pyromaniac]

I'm sooo happy to finally hear someone else talk about their special interests in terms of being super-intense for a while and then dropping stuff! When I was first starting to self-diagnose a few months ago this was a huge sticking point for me, as there is a huge stereotype of having lifelong passions which never change. That has absolutely not been my experience, and my passions only work like that in a very generalised sense e.g. my love of nature has previously manifested as interests in bushcraft and survival, camping, plant/ tree ID, scuba, foraging. Currently really into hiking/ wild camping and houseplants. Or e.g. my desire to create/ build has led me at various points of my life into woodworking, engineering, sewing, DIY, metalworking. Most recently I taught myself blacksmithing over lockdown and now it's my primary source of income, so I hope I don't get bored of that one! It can be really frustrating when a hobby suddenly stops being interesting and I find it quite upsetting at times as I seem to have no control over when it happens. But noticing the common themes and how they seem to persist has been quite helpful to me. I have a high degree of confidence that while I may drop individual tasks, I will never lose my love or nature of my need to create physical things. I think this helps me not to feel like my self is so fragile when we so frequently define ourselves based on our interests and mine are often transient.

[@ThirrinDiamond]

Sis i relate so much i'm literally about to cry, thank you so much for sharing your story *i'm just so glad i'm not alone* ;__;

[@sammckinlay6918]

Hi, I’m 34 and my psychologist just sent me some information on autism which feels like it describes my whole childhood. I feel like I’ve been masking my whole life. Thanks for your videos, I’m making my way through them now.

[@paulabeattie8565]

I am 56 years old and I completely relate to everything you said here. My test is Aug 14th/15th, I am very interested to see my results and although it won't make my struggles any easier, understanding will probably bring some self acceptance. Thank you for your videos and please continue to make them.

[@brynnejewell1275]

"I tried to explain something that I know things a level that's more than a normal person would know." I appreciated the statement because I feel the same way. As you said, I often come off as arrogant when in reality I just spent a lot of hours studying this particular topic in depth and therefore know more than the average person and I'm fascinated by it to boot.

[@AnnieIce123]

Awesome video. I was recently diagnosed at 28. Explains so so much about my life and was such a relief to know that I wasn't crazy, emotional, highly sensitive, etc. I've spent years been treated for anxiety and depression without any of my psychologists noticing clear signs of ADHD and Autism. Finally, got so see an amazing psychiatrist who specialises in ADHD and apparently 26 - 59% of people with autistic spectrum disorder will also have ADHD. Who knew!? Thanks for your video! Can't wait to watch the rest of them! Love from Australia ❤️

[@MP24685]

As a female who is now on the waiting list for an autism test, who had a lot of difficulty fitting it, who was bullied, struggled academically, cannot present, still has problems not masking and has an amazing amount of other different problems I really relate and breath a sigh of relief at this video... Thank you 💙

[@robertnewberry7799]

Yo Sam! It's 1 in 44 in America. I have to say, I've only just begun checking out your videos, but you are a highly intelligent, and very well spoken person, who articulates excellently all of the various Autistic habits which are completely invisible to non-autistics and which make things highly frustrating at times. We are speaking 2 different languages

[@steelstrings87]

God. I relate to you so much. I'm spending my morning watching a ton of your videos. I'm 32. I'm finally in treatment for my anxiety and depression. And now I'm like...yikes on bikes maybe I have autism??? IDK.

[@YoSamdySam]

I hope you find the answers you need. I've literally just uploaded a video about deciding whether or not to pursue a diagnosis.

[@PrecociousFriand]

For much of my life I suffered from depression and anxiety attacks that became increasingly worse. I knew something was wrong from about 15 years ago and nothing seemed to fit at all, it was very frustrating to try to figure out what was wrong. It now makes sense in retrospect that depression and anxiety are secondary symptoms of autism. Look up the recent Guardian article on the topic, it's great.

[@SweetStrawberryShell]

I'm currently waiting for my assessment. When I first went to my GP, she said "Well, you've got a boyfriend, and a job.... So maybe it's just general anxiety" completely ignoring my list of obsessions and issues that date back to childhood 😠

[@ephraimdikel7663]

SweetStrawberryShell time for a different doctor.

[@Stephanie568]

I understand all too well about everyone having some kind of script for the social situations and you're the only one who doesn't have one as well as the interests. My counselor thinks I may be autistic and I'm going to get tested in November hopefully. Thank you for your video! It's really helpful and really well done!

[@wooof.]

Could you please be more specific about the script. Is it person says something and you think should I respond in a) empathy b) joking c) question more? I never know which one to choose

[@thenobleone-3384]

I have the same condition I believe it's Aspergers Syndrome my symptoms are all from this. Growing up I had difficulty communicating and basically Aspergers Syndrome is a developmental disorder. I'm blessed that I discovered what was wrong with me. Now I want to use my platform to bring awareness to Autism. It's a big struggle trying to function in society.

[@jpsabbey]

I resonate with so much of what you're saying. I must get an "official " diagnosis some day , although after reading about aspergers and watching many videos like this it just fits and seems so obvious to us but it's also very frustrating that close family and friends so easily dismiss it because I've masked it fairly well . It's so nice to listen to you as I feel like you are describing my own perspective and challenges.

[@Jenn12141983]

I was diagnosed this year at the age of 35. While it was a huge relief to me and validated everything I had felt and struggled with my whole life, it doesn’t change the fact that I still have those struggles and no one seems to give a damn about it. I’m married with a child and a career, so how could I possibly be autistic? The few people I have told about my diagnosis will either blow it off or just say “oh” and move on. I actually mentioned that I thought I was autistic to an old therapist and he completely ignored me. They would much rather focus on my anxiety and depression , which are things that can be “fixed” (in their opinion) rather than things that require acceptance and accommodation. Guess I’ll just continue to feel like an alien who landed on Earth without a guidebook 🤷‍♀️

[@dianevillani8160]

My daughter is 14 and just got diagnosed. We are telling her tomorrow. Thank you for the insight of what she might be going through, it is extremely helpful.

[@billgreen4592]

Thanks for being you! I've watched several of your videos on ASD and decided to go back and watch the first one. Like you, I am autistic and received an adult diagnosis. However for me it wasn't until age 61. I have become an expert in masking, and had at times convinced myself that I was "normal." Now, I realize that I am Authentically Autistic! I refuse to view this as a disability, but rather as a gift. It is not my fault that the neurotypical folks don't understand. I feel drawn to your content because so many of our experiences as so very similar. Your content is very valuable, and I deeply appreciate it.

[@orcodrilo]

Nice, I resonate with you in almost everything. The worst issue with me is that I do not mirror other peoples actions. I have to do an exhausting conscientious effort to do so.

[@YoSamdySam]

Yes, I know just what you mean! Thanks for watching!

[@laurencraig4510]

I relate to this video sooo much. I've never been able to really find words to express how I feel but you managed to do it. I have a small group of friends that are incredible at helping me in certain situations. But I feel like having a diagnosis would allow me to kind of breathe and realize that I'm not just the "quirky" one. Hopefully one day I'll be able to pursue a diagnosis. Thank you for this

[@stephaniewarring6618]

Thank you for making this video, i don't feel nearly as alone or different, all of your relatable experiences made me happy cry! I really love the community you created on here.

[@hovakio333]

This channel is very real. Your doing a great thing for people, I feel like I owe you a thank you

[@christianhippie711]

"I thought something was wrong with me." I can't explain how deep that belief of mine has been. I'm pretty sure I was diagnosed as a child but my mother never told me because she was in denial. Everything makes so much more sense

[@christianhippie711]

@Jack Young ????

[@thenobleone-3384]

I remember people asking when I was real young why was I so quiet and this is the reason Autism is a struggle but I have gradually improved on my social skills.

[@martialbodiestv5041]

Thank you SO MUCH for making this video! Finding people and learning their experiences helps me to understand my autistic experiences and to know that I'm not alone. Thank you so much!

[@TheBlebb]

Im so happy to 'accedently' come on your account and see you talking, I have no diagnoses, I think Im at the beginning of therapy, it took me so long and lots courage to finnaly agnolage all things inside.. every example you say, litterly everything is how i see my life. Ive been days and nights researching this subject, also other mental 'illnisses' but Ive come back to tye full recognision of women in perticular their stories. such a relief, and so much more understanding for all my mistakes, pains and addictions the more I research the more I get to know myself and see that Im oke! thank you so much for this. I hope my psy will see me eventually too, for now my diagnoses is adhd, how can he tell only just from an intake, but I will try to say/ tell as much as possible so understanding will be there.. again thank you :) ps im also 31 now ..

[@ronaldderooij1774]

I can beat that. I was 52 years old when I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. Had a successful career as an (internationally working) civil servant. Unfortunately my wife did not want to cope, so she divorced me. Big financial burden for 12 years, yeah… For me, the diagnosis was a surprise. But all the pieces of the puzzle in my life suddenly started falling in place. So, I am very happy to have gone through the process. Unfortunately I became also a bit disabled (dislocated disc), so that does not help to remain socially active either. I have life long house arrest because of that (except to go to work of course).

[@ericprincen3345]

Awesome. Thank you. I'm 51 and have been struggling my entire life with EXACTLY what you talk about. I'm in the "gathering information" stage before looking for a formal diagnosis (of course...) Lol. I really appreciate you making this video. It was very helpful. Subscribing.

[@patriciastewart2537]

Me too...I studied Psychology since high school. I diagnosed myself at age 50. Knowing has helped me to target areas to remediate my developmental delays. At 73 now, I am BEGINNING to GET it!

[@irisvhoorn]

I'm really so thankful for your videos. I just discovered them and I recognize so much, being diagnosed with autism at age 36 (about a year ago). Basically you're giving the words to a lot of things I've felt for such a long time. Including the relief I felt with my diagnosis, but also the feeling something was wrong with me and the masking. I started masking at a much younger age and remember when I went to a new school that I was quiet for about 2 months and then blended in, but when I came home from school I was so tired, I could only lay on the floor. Also the "secret" stimms (I'm always touching my skin, and I never recognized it being a stim). So... it's almost creepy. ;-) Thanks a lot for your videos and I hope you will make more of them!

[@arasharfa]

i'm a gay man and i recognize myself in every single thing you describe. I've long suspected i am on the autistic spectrum, and i have scored high on all self tests, and in an interview with someone professional i had everything verified, but because i'm an extrovert (i'm still awkward and i hypermentalize others as a way to overcompensate for not taking cues) she said I probably can have most of my issues explained with an ADHD diagnosis. I've been in specialist care off an on for 5 years, been treated for borderline disorder through MBT, and I still have crippling issues that I can't quite put my finger on. This video makes me think I have to revisit this... Thank you for uploading this.

[@andreagriffiths3512]

Arash Arfazadeh trust your instincts - you know yourself better than any so-called professional. I’m sorry you got excuses to discount what you feel to be true. I know the pain and anger that causes. Stay strong 😘

[@josephdanejackson]

I've been hyper-focused, researching this for the past 20 hours. You could be ADHD + ASD. The DSM-V in 2013 allowed both of those identifications to be combined. The reason they didn't do this before is because symptoms of both overlap into each other. However, the combination is possible, and usually overshadowed by the ADHD, regardless of if it's Hyperactive, or Inattentive.

[@TheMercury-13]

I use to try understand myself, with the self-help books back in the ignorant days, & came up with 'shy extrovert'..! - It's actually Asperger's. People assume all AS are 'introvert' - which is a stupid term anyway, just means someone who thinks more than the average NT & isn't annoyingly gobby.

[@arasharfa]

@@andreagriffiths3512 Thank you! I havent seen this response until now. I have been researching autism every single day for the past 9 months, and it's interesting bumping into something I wrote 9 months ago. I'm quite far into my assessment and this only makes me feel more certain that I am indeed autistic.

[@arasharfa]

@@josephdanejackson Yes, totally! and the combination in my case creates a constant struggle of conflicting needs. I am a novelty seeker, but I also crave routines. I am sensory seeking but also easily stressed. I love being around people and would like to be a part of something greater, but I need a lot of freetime, and find it extremely hard trying to do anything when I'm not in optimal shape to do it. when I am capable, I am a high achiever, and it's been interpreted as perfectionism. But a perfectionist is never happy with their achievements. I am always excited about what I accomplish. I more or less only listen to my own music for instance. it's funny seeing this post after 9 months realising I have been researching autism every single day for the past 9 months.

[@Zephyr6656]

THANK YOU so much for this. The way ASD presents itself is totally different between genders. I have always been ashamed and embarrased of the way I act and think: mirroring every social encounter, masking my symptoms, and enduring sensory overload and have had to make excuses my whole life for simply who I am. I fear telling people I have it due to the responses I know I will get, which will just make me frustrated. Side note, I was diagnosed at 29 so I was on a similar journey with getting a diagnosis 💛

[@toevalbestaatniet]

I'd like to thank you for your brilliant video's; they've helped me to make autism a point of conversation in my workplace, and today I've taken the first steps to get a diagnosis. Thanks for your video-help in this journey!

[@CollinDEvans]

Thanks so much for starting your channel. You do such a great job.

[@drawingsbydave7794]

Thank you so much for uploading this and all your other videos. I have not had any official diagnosis yet but I identify so much with lots of your experiences and struggles. I am 38, married with two awesome daughters and had, up until about two years ago, managed to “mask” the internal noise and pass myself off as “normal”. But recently, my brain wiring has manifested itself in lots of ways that I cannot describe or label and so I decided to seek help through a service offered by our health service in the UK entitled Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It did help initially but my analytical brain decided this led to more questions than answers. I have already identified myself as non-neurotypical, as there have been so many times in my life which seemed second nature to everyone else around me but completely alien to me. Please keep uploading your awesome videos, you are a massive inspiration and I wish you peace and happiness x

[@YoSamdySam]

Thanks, David. This might be the nicest comment on KZbin ever! I am so glad you find value in my videos and it gives me motivation to keep going. Don't stop fighting for diagnosis if that's what you need. Sam

[@SeViLionCollectibles]

I’m soon to be 37. I’ve always felt different compared to those around me. I’ve never had an official diagnosis of anything. Never actually seen an official therapist, either, but I’ve studied and researched the field as thoroughly as I could from the outside. I can definitely relate things from my own life to the struggles you’ve discussed here. I really do think it’s entirely possible that I’m another undiagnosed autistic person.

[@MasAllaTV]

Love your videos! Thank you for letting us know that we are not alone! And also for sharing how you go about your struggles

[@Brady.Schmitt]

I relate to so much of what you talk about like the roller coaster of obsessive interests, unconsciously masking to fit in or blend in, being super shy growing up and not having the script for social interactions. It is super hard for me to be myself in social situations and constantly feel the pressure and expectations to socialize. Im 27 and was diagnosed with ADHD when I was like 19, your videos and other videos has me questioning whether im autistic now, and that feels so weird to even say but it would explain a lot about my life up until this point. I've always felt different than everyone else and this may be the reason. Thanks for sharing your experiences

[@kristymounsey3450]

Yes I can relate I have so many special interests and I return to them over and over again. I love learning.

[@SueLyons1]

Learning is wonderful when you find your way 👍

[@lizziecat7250]

Hello Sam! Liked it very much! Very well formulated and a great way to make it "human" rather than "institutionalized". I also liked the format. You act (and obviously you now how to do that well from imitating) as if you are talking to someone interviewing you. It is an important subject and I think especially from a female point of view. As you say, women are good at hiding things and autism is not only "an eleven year old boy banging his head against the wall".

[@Autmazing]

I wanted to thank you! Watching your videos are a huge part of why I talked to my doctor because so much of what you mentioned reminded me of myself and I was diagnosed yesterday at 37 years old. It was such a relief. So thank you again for sharing your story and experiences. They really do make a difference.

[@kristaangelaross]

Thank you so much for making these videos! While I’ve been wondering if I’m autistic for years it’s only recently that I’ve come across resources that discuss autism and women - adult women. I no longer question it and I’m very grateful for people like you who are openly discussing their experience with autism.

[@uptown3636]

Hey Sam, new subscriber here. I was recently diagnosed (also at the age of 33), and your presentation of ASD is similar to mine. Though I am a male, my presentation is more typical of female presentations of the disorder. My masking traits are automatic and exhausting. You mentioned that you are "relaxing the mask" (great turn of phrase, btw), and I was wondering if you have any advice on how to relax the mask. I would love someday to "be myself" instead of whatever version of my self I feel the situation demands. Thanks for your great work on this channel. You seem to be coping with your diagnosis beautifully.

[@1BlueEyeCreativeStudio]

"The Hobby Rollercoaster."

[@georgehill5919]

I'm a recently self-diagnosed aspie (I'm 53). I've learned to make violins, I've learned to make soap, I've amassed a huge amount of knowledge about cars and automotive history , I'm married with 3 kids (one who has been diagnosed) so I think of Aspergers as a personality quirk and as an advantage. I have one real friend in this world (my wife) but one is all you really need. One day I may pay someone with a framed diploma to tell me what I already know, but it won't change the fact that I've had a productive and enjoyable life, even if the first couple decades of it were frustrating and sad. As we say here in the states, Pick up the ball and run with it! You have been given a gift, not a handicap. Find ways to serve and include others who are worse off than you, and all your problems will fade into insignificance. A happy life awaits. Go get it!

[@tdeuce7]

Knowing I'm not the only person who has a million fascinating hobbies but can't finish a project before I start a new one makes me feel a little more at home. Your channel is a torch in a very dark and scary cavern. Thank you ❣️

[@alanjones1956]

Ha! I was diagnose age 63 best thing ever so now I know why I see EVERYTHING in black and white. I do a lot of DIY and can sort out any problem (after 50 years practice) in 20 seconds!

[@prinxlydia3666]

hey Sam! loving the videos! would you be able, at some point, to make a video about how you actually got diagnosed?

[@sham.778]

I really appreciate your honesty and raw approach to your diagnosis and life afterwards. I felt really emotional watching this, going through your journey with you and also thinking about how I'm balancing my current feelings with the feelings I may get in a month or so with a potentially confirmed Autism diagnosis. Thank you for sharing.

[@queenmotherbug]

Thank you for sharing this. I was also diagnosed with autism in my mid thirties. (I'm 39 now.) I identify so much with your story and what your life has been like. I remember at age 11 when I was completely, crazy obsessed with the tv show Twin Peaks. I wrote fanfiction (probably a couple of novels worth) based on the show before I even knew what fanfiction was. Like with you and the Spice Girls, I also cut out anything and everything from magazines that referenced my special interest. I knew every movie and show that every actor from Twin Peaks had been in. I even went to a library of magazine archives and photocopied probably 50 articles and stories about it. I realize now that this isn't "typical" behavior. It's interesting to know that other people have intense interests, also.

[@justforsomething]

I had a Sailor Moon fan website. My back room is where my attempted hobbies/interest go to die.

[@TheAALIYAHWHITE]

I’m currently going through a diagnosis. I’m 24 years old and I can’t believe there’s other people like me. I’ve always felt like an outcast and just like you I learned from about the age of 16 - 18 to mask. I masked so much that i’ve completely lost my sense of self. the list of struggles is endless. Especially in work and university.

[@jennifercornwell5913]

Thank you for making this video. I'm 41 and have always struggled. Actually, I identify with just about everything you said. This past year I feel like I've been spinning my wheels trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me. Now I think I finally have a direction to start looking in. I plan on talking to my doctor about this. Thank you! 💖

[@catherinapierce6036]

Thank you for sharing your story,it is mine too, I am 46 and have realized my truth ,I am not diagnosed , but hearing your story is a comfort to know I am not alone, thank you!

[@LecheVitrineUK]

I relate to do much of this, I was diagnosed in 2014, this video is useful in helping me understand some of the issues I have about myself. I've read so much on autism and am currently doing a master's in autism in Sheffield but the post 2 years I've lost my speak for sharing and trying to help people understand, I just want to hide away and pursue my artwork.

[@tracik1277]

Nikki Bentley Is My Angel if you can make a statement like that you know nothing about autism. Or comprehension of text, come to that.

[@tracik1277]

Nikki Bentley Is My Angel whatever you have you are doing yourself no favours by being blatantly rude and obnoxious

[@colinhadley300]

I'm almost 45 but I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was a teenager. I still don't really understand a lot about it. But I love trains, always have, I take photos and videos of trains. I keep a page on Facebook, Rail Operations of Australia. I chose to embark on a spiritual path, I work spiritually in my own way. Attend a spiritual church, do some volunteer work at the Salvation army.

[@SteamboatWilley]

Yep there are a lot of railway youtubers (including myself) that I know have Asperger's syndrome or ASD or whatever you want to call it.

[@curiousbystander9193]

@@SteamboatWilley oh boy, the old hobby of railroad model work is now getting lumped into this!

[@SB-rh8uc]

you explained exactly how i feel. your videos really do help people struggling. thank you for this.

[@OstaraSol]

This is such an informative video, I wish I could get a diagnosis, I relate to a lot of these issues. Sensory is the biggest for me, and hobbies and such that I always just say I ‘take to far’ like you were saying. I too cut out pictures of my favourite band (though mine was girls aloud) and had organised folders for them all, I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one to do this! Thanks for sharing your experiences. Take care :)