Did feminism FAIL men?

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~BIBLIOGRAPHY~
Myron Gaines, “Why Women Deserve Less,” 2023 (I had to donate $20 to planned parenthood because I felt bad buying this book)
Katherine Bagley, “Why Low-Income Households Need to Be Part of the Clean Energy Revolution,” 2019
e360.yale.edu/...
Henry James, The Bostonians, 1889
Rivers, C. (1994, June 19). When were men really men?. The Washington Post. www.washington...
Arthur Schlesinger Jr., Esquire, 1958
classic.esquir...
bell hooks, The Will to Change, 2004 (quotes: p. 27)
Pew Research, “On Gender Differences,” 2017
www.pewresearc...
Judith Butler, Gender Trouble, 1990
Mehltretter, et al., “Indigenous and Western Knowledge: Bringing Diverse Understandings of Water Together in Practice,” 2023
watercommissio...
Foucault, Madness and Civilization, 1961
NASA, 95% of Matter and Energy is Unexplained
www.jpl.nasa.g....
Karen Barad, “Posthumanist Performativity: Toward an Understanding of How Matter Comes to Matter,” 2003
Michel Foucault, Discipline and Punish, 1975
Chaplin, “Gender and Emotion Expression: A Developmental Contextual Perspective,” 2016
Lumen, “Gender and Early Childhood,” 2020
courses.lumenl...
Halim, et al., “Rigidity in Gender-Typed Behaviors in Early Childhood: A Longitudinal Study of Ethnic Minority Children” 2013
ncbi.nlm.nih.g...
Chaplin & Aldao, “Gender Differences in Emotion Expression in Children: A Meta-Analytic Review,” 2012
www.ncbi.nlm.n...
Bourdieu, Masculine Domination, 1998
Bourdieu, “The political field, the social science field, and the journalistic field,” in R Benson and É Neveu (eds) 2005, Bourdieu and the journalistic field, Cambridge: Polity, 29-47
Bourdieu, The Field of Cultural Production: Essays on Art and Literature, 1993
Bourdieu, Distinction: A Social Critique of the Judgement of Taste, 1979
Ann Swidler, “Culture in Action: Symbols and Strategies,” 1986
www.jstor.org/...
Bourdieu, The Logic of Practice, 1980
Jan Morris, Conundrum, p. 130
Bhana and Mayeza, “We don’t play with gays, they’re not real boys … they can’t fight: Hegemonic masculinity and (homophobic) violence in the primary years of schooling,” 2016.
www.sciencedir...
Emma Renold, “‘Other’ boys: negotiating non‐hegemonic masculinities in the primary school,” 2007
www.sciencedir...
NAM News Room, “More Women Join the Manufacturing Workforce,” 2023
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Affleck, et al., “Men’s Mental Health: Social Determinants and Implications for Services,” 2018
Lauren Berlant, Cruel Optimism
Jonathan A. Allan, “Masculinity as Cruel Optimism,” 2018, p. 182
Bourdieu Quote on Love from Masculine Domination, p. 112
bell hooks Quote on Love from The Will to Change, p. 28
#ClimatePowerPartner #ClimatePowerEnAcción

[@mariapaularubianoa.6890]

I was recently playing with two cousins; they're twin siblings (one "boy" and one "girl"). My girl cousin asked me to wear an ear cuff, and I saw my boy cousin wanting to ask me but was hesitant until I asked him, "Do you want to wear one? They're really cool!" His face instantly lit up. They were so happy, admiring each others' ears and feeling stylish and cool... until their dad arrived. When he saw my girl cousin, he told her she looked pretty. When he saw the boy... he forcibly removed the ear cuff, causing it to break. My cousin was so sad. The next day, we were hanging out. My female cousin asked me to wear the ear cuff again. He didn't, even after I offered him and told him we could take it off before his dad arrived. He was terrified. Even if his dad wasn't there, the instructions of masculinity were already inside of him. My heart breaks to this day, knowing that in small instances like that, "masculinity" is created: Just a wound onto a wound onto a wound.

[@sonnentausnest]

💔

[@phoenix281287]

thats not masculinity, you're just oversimplifying things.

[@inkbunnybunny]

Dunno societies attitude as to what is masculinity is utterly ridiculous.

[@Moszan]

​@@phoenix281287 oversimplifying what?

[@strawbeare]

@@phoenix281287I swear, people will create new excuses just to not think and engage with a topic 🤦‍♀️

[@Tom_Nicholas]

Always impressed with the production value and creativity of your videos, so not surprised to see you've been ambitious enough to shoot this one in IMAX aspect ratio.

[@zainmudassir2964]

Loved you on the Deprogram podcast

[@shana2765]

Something I found fascinating growing up was that if I befriended men/boys I would quickly realize that I was sometimes literally the only person they would talk to about their emotions. These dudes would have like 10 bros that they've been hanging out with for 15 years who they knew nothing about. But I had been hanging out with them for like 5 months and felt they could trust me to talk to about these things because I wasn't a man. One of my friends told me recently that I was one of very few people in his life to ask the question "how are you" and want to know the internal answer.

[@antod1602]

That's crazy, I've been getting closer to my best friend's girlfriend and I've told her so much about me, things I've never told my best friend. I don't know why, maybe it's because she tells me about her problems ? It's weird. But I appreciate her a lot, hopefully one day I can open up to my male friends too.

[@gregvs.theworld451]

That's good that you genuinely want to hear men's feelings, and are willing to listen. bell hooks mentions in The Will To Change that there are women who say they want to hear their boyfriends or partners or friends or family members feelings, but then recoil when men actually share them, bell hooks herself admits this was something she did to her intimate partners and had to do work to unlearn that behavior towards men herself. Thank you genuinely for saying you want to hear men and meaning it too, we need more people like that, men, women, enbies, and anybody else.

[@stormysoup1083]

Friendships with women definitely feel more open to me as a man, I think it's because they often don't have the same barriers that almost all men have up which makes me feel like I don't need mine up either

[@jbell7105]

@@stormysoup1083that’s a good point

[@thegoblinking.]

It makes sense. Men will see other men as like "enforcers" of masculine stoicism in a way. It's a social faux pas to let that image slip up in front of another dude. We're also always told that women are the compassionate understanding ones. So men will probably subconsciously feel more comfortable talking to women about this stuff.

[@Pallerim]

Bringing back the 4:3 format is such a great move

[@ignacio3460]

its the gayest aspect ratio imo

[@4doubloons196]

perfect for watching on my flip phone when folded while im doing art, so i chose to believe it was for my benefit only :} thank you, Alexander! from one Alex to another hehe.

[@3NTR4PT4]

perfect for when im watching on my 2006 Panasonic Toughbook CF-30 laptop with Gentoo linux install and custom kernel

[@smol5601]

@@ignacio3460does that make iPads gay?

[@sterlinsilver]

Now I can watch it on my 1977 RCA colortrak television

[@PapiyoneVineland]

The irony of liking Nirvana being the behavior a little guy felt pressure to engage in to be accepted as a masculine boy is so intense, knowing how much Kurt didn't fit in as a "masculine dude", as a teenager. He wondered if he was gay because he felt like he belonged more amongst gay guys. There are also pictures of all of Nirvana band members proudly wearing dresses for a photoshoot before it was cool, hanging out with Rupaul... And they were fervent feminists. Especially Kurt. His music was partially inspired by his Riot Girl type of a musician girlfriend and he said publicly that the lack of recognition these underground girl bands received compared to their male peers bands was unfair.

[@adampope5107]

I don't think Kurt was gay. He had mentioned in an interview that he wished he was because it would piss off all the right people. I could be misremembering though.

[@quesopunk]

There's a theory that says Cobain was a trans woman (or a non binary person) but as he didn't said anything in life we can only speculate (that theory makes sense to me tho and I personally like it. Makes me think also about the thousands of queer folks that couldn't express it in life).

[@_marsbars_]

@@adampope5107 i think op knows he wasn’t gay, he just felt like he *might* be gay. because any time a man shows any sort of interest in anything even slightly “feminine” they get called gay. Kurt wasn’t gay, but any guy who liked the same things as him was called gay by his peers, so that probably confused him for a while.

[@NayrAnur]

​@@_marsbars_There probably wasn't a term for not conforming to the masculine ideals during his time.

[@chrisrenfroe4243]

Too few records survived the late 1900s. Such a word is lost in the mists of time.@@NayrAnur

[@KawaiiCat101]

“It’s a cruel reality, but fantasy is always crueler” is a sick ass final line holy shit

[@papermr.magolorguy7957]

I don’t like that line. Fantasy novels are good.

[@kkounal974]

​@@papermr.magolorguy7957 Good fantasy is about exploring reality by looking at what else could be

[@lizzieheart709]

Alex, I so appreciate your dedication to actual video essays that push past basic observation and surprise the viewer. Your content has been so high quality and interesting lately and the way you present your ideas is intriguing and easy to follow. Thank you so much for all your content!!!!!!

[@wizerdz]

You put it into words perfectly! His work really inspires me to try my hand at shorter video essays myself :)

[@franknfurter5336]

this. this is what video essays should be.

[@notayenota]

​@notville_ we care, notville. people do care

[@Lockewave]

This is legit I think the best one I've ever seen.

[@corinneskitchen]

Did the Black Civil Rights Movement FAIL white people???

[@morganburt2565]

i think my favorite part of you’re content is how you explain sociological thinking better than the dozens of academic papers i’ve read. also, shoutout to you for writing whole ass proper essays for fun. i cannot fathom your brain but i’m very grateful edit: and money lol worth the $2 a month btw

[@thisisntallowed9560]

That's why I didn't want to do long studies, they make everything complicated just to sound smart it was killing me.

[@balaynganiyebe]

@@thisisntallowed9560 as much as i get the sentiment some things in life Are indeed complicated. none of us are subject to that property either as humans

[@para-be4bf]

@@balaynganiyebe There are indeed many things which cannot be concisely expressed by language already, but a sad reality is that nomenclature is prevalent and coalescing which really sets a barrier for entry, and a precedent. Some people however tend to not be willing to engage with fields where that's an issue, because it's unwarranted mental strain

[@Olivman7]

4:50 "How are men supposed to grill when there's pronouns in the beer?" Okay, that one tore a laugh out of me. I think I might subscribe to this channel.

[@bicuriousdirtbikeboi2594]

When I was an 8 year old boy, my cousin Danielle painted my nails with the new nail polish she got. I thought the boys with black nails and tattoos that lined her walls were so fascinating to look at, and I had a natural wanting for everything feminine. I asked her to paint my nails and she loved the idea. When she was done, I was beaming, and it was one of the times in my early childhood where I truly felt understood and comfortable. When my new and amazing black nails dried, I hurried to show my mom because I wanted her to celebrate and embrace my happiness. When she saw them as we were walking out the door… she screamed at me. And I didn’t understand why. The rest of the car ride home was silent, and that’s what hurt the most because I knew that something I had done was wrong, and I didn’t understand what it was. When we got home, my mother instructed me to go sit in the bathroom and wait for her. I did what I was told, and I started to cry because I was terrified. I thought I was going to get a spanking or something, but what I got was almost worst. My mom came into the room with a bottle of nail polish remover and a box of cotton swaps. She yanked my hand towards the sink and poured the nail polish remover over it. One by one she scrubbed my nails clean until their was nothing there. She scrubbed them so clean that my happiness beauty and understanding of myself were violently stripped off of those nails and bled into the cotton swaps like the black polish had. I cried the whole time, which lead to more lashing from my mothers words. “Stop crying! Boys don’t cry! Boys don’t wear nails polish! Do you want to be a girl?” She said it as if being a girl was some kind of punishment. One of the worst feelings I ever had was the one I had that day, when I was taught that who I truly was is wrong. The one moment I had in my life at that time of pure joy was shattered that day by the one person in my life who was supposed to cradle it. A pure expression of my joy had earned me the same level of anger that I got for misbehaving or being disobedient. I was being told that being feminine was disobedience and that I was wrong for being that. A part of me died that day. I spent the rest of my childhood pretending I was something that I wasn’t. I built an imposter for myself so that he could stand in my place and any words of hate or any threats of violence I got for being too feminine or for liking boys would bounce off of him like I wanted them to do to me. ….but that’s not what happened. What happened instead was that, the fake version of myself, had turned on me. I made him to protect me from the boys who would chase me into the locker rooms and tell me I was going to hell or from the teachers who downplayed my feelings when I told them what was happening. I thought it I tried to be him, maybe I would be safe. But he was a constant reminder to me about how I wasn’t good enough and how I would never truly be a “Man” like everyone wanted to be. Now that I’m growing up, and am in my 20s, I actively paint my nails or buy myself Barbie dolls and I do all of the things I wanted to do as a child, because 8 year old Collin hurts, and it is my job as 23 year old Collin to comfort him and to give him the emotional love that we never got. I tell him everyday how beautiful and strong he is because the masculine and feminine energy he has is what gives him power and lights up his eyes. He’s taught me how to allow myself to enjoy the simple pleasures in life like painting my nails and brushing a Barbie doll’s hair and listening to Britney Spears and watching Hannah’s Montana. All of the things I was told time and time again I wasn’t allowed to do… I did…and finally I’m starting to feel whole again. [Edit]: Im very happy that some of you guys can empathize with this and feel seen by what I have to say 😊 I would also like to add that my relationship with my mother passed this point is a whole lot better. Back when I was that age, she was very religious and pretty closed minded, but since I and some other family members came out, she’s become a lot more accepting about lgbt people, and we’ve had many discussions about the way that her actions impacted me growing up and we’re working on healing that part of our relationship. Just goes to show that sometimes you just being yourself can be the light that leads others to change 💜

[@bicuriousdirtbikeboi2594]

@mr.m6038 For clarification that wasn’t the only time in my life I had been told that me being feminine or being gay is wrong. Actually it was an almost daily occurrence for the first 18 years of my life not just by my mother but by everyone I went to school with. That’s the reason why I attempted suicide as a teenager. Hopefully someday you’ll learn in the future that just because someone has it worse than you doesn’t mean that you haven’t experienced something bad. And don’t assume that you have agency over what someone feels about something. 💜

[@evarya7099]

@@bicuriousdirtbikeboi2594 Thank you for telling your story, and if I may, it was beautifully told💙 I'm so glad to hear the you are able today to comfort the kid you once were ! I have somewhat similar feelings about nail polish. As a nonbinary person, I always avoided wearing some in order not to reinforce feminity. I still remember the joy when I bought my first nail polish after a therapist's appointment haha ! Now I feel like I'm getting better at reconciling the"feminine" parts of me while still not being one. And as you said, we can't do much about what people'll think of it, so we might as well enjoy our time here ^^/

[@bicuriousdirtbikeboi2594]

@@evarya7099 Thank you! Going back into the femininity that I was never allowed to express has honestly been very fun for me, and it’s done a lot to help my mental health. Nail polish is fun!

[@sabrinusglaucomys]

Just reading this made me cry, I'm so glad you have been able to reclaim your joy as a young adult

[@WhichDoctor1]

@@cristianproust as someone who presented very "sexually dimorphic" male for the first 30 years of my life and had seemed to be pretty much invisible to women, the moment i started painting my nails and wearing makeup i got soo much attention it was amazing! Girls love it when masc people step out of the boring old masculine straight jacket. And now I've fully come out as a trans woman and am 2+ years on HRT i still get soo much more attention from fems than i ever did pretending to be a masculine man. Forget all that brainwashing you just regurgitated. Go out into the real world, live a little. Learn how amazingly complex and multifaceted it is to be human when you let yourself step out of the stuffy constraining rules you think apply to you. Being yourself is the most attractive thing ever, and feeling like yourself lets you do things and achieve things you never thought possible before. I hope you find your way out of that dark Forrest of imposed masculinity you seem to be trapped in and find your way out into the light of freedom eventually

[@noriringtail7428]

I'm an older man than you are, so in exchange for this well-made video, I'd like to share something: I experience Gender Euphoria when teaching people how to do things. How to cook, draw, change a tire, repair an electronic device- all of these things make me feel like the patient, knowledgeable and positive male role model I never had growing up. If you ever find yourself wanting a little gender affirmation, you might try teaching someone something. It's a great feeling.

[@Dysfunctionality15]

Great advice.

[@goosewithagibus]

Hell yeah brother

[@tidalgrunt6549]

Its a shame that all I can imagine after reading a comment nowadays is how easy it is to portray it negatively. I'm honestly surprised nobody has come and summarised it as "mansplaining makes me feel good" or something else reductive.

[@elokin300]

@@tidalgrunt6549 I had a period where a part of my brain was probably possessed by some twitter user and those thoughts kept popping up. Best thing to reduce those is to try and avoid places with people like that

[@evarya7099]

It's actually kinda sweet :))

[@typhonicparagon]

My little brother has been starting to notice gender, sexism and toxic masculinity after my dad has been starting to push him to be more masculine out of fear of him becoming “girly” or “a woman” from andrew tate KZbin algorithms. I’ve been trying to help him learn and understand as best as I can without trying to just frame one side as bad “just because”. This is really helpful, I’ll keep this in mind for our next talk. thank you so much. cheers!

[@Snakepit_Media]

Yo I love that you're trying to be a good role model and show your brother that being vulnerable is ok, while also keeping him away from toxic masculinity! Good luck with your dad and I hope you can keep him off of the andrew Tate algorithm

[@BrillPappin]

The term "toxic masculinity" is sexist. Some behaviours are toxic, but his masculinity is not toxic in itself, and the term makes no distinction. Being vulnerable is fine, most men know how to do that with each other, and do within their social circles. Just be careful that you don't isolate him from his adult social support group, with well intentioned misunderstandings now. I don't know your father or what he's doing, but keep an open mind, there is probably some value in what he's teaching, few of us are all one way or the other.

[@biteofdog]

Toxic masculinity refers to the notion that some people's idea of “manliness” perpetuates domination, homophobia, and aggression. Toxic masculinity involves cultural pressures for men to behave in a certain way. @@BrillPappin

[@BrillPappin]

@@biteofdog ok, that kind of sounds like a woman explaining masculinity to a man, but I'll assume it's genuine desire to educate. I'm familiar with the justifications and excuses. Like it or not, you are essentially telling men that their masculinity is toxic. The term should never have made it into the mainstream vernacular. It may have been coined to convey a meaning, but make no mistake, people do feel strongly about it. If there is toxic masculinity, and toxic femininity, then there is simply toxicity behaviour, rooted in human psychology. There is no need to assign gender to discuss toxic behaviour.

[@winterinbloom]

​@@BrillPappin What do you mean there is no distinction??? Masculinity is one thing, toxic masculinity is another. The word toxic is literally the thing providing the distinction you say isn't there.

[@Estevv]

This video hurts. I'm 33 years old, and was quite emotional growing up. I moved around a lot, and I had a busy father who was always working and a mother who raised me to always try to be in another person's shoes. One day, was maybe 7-8 years old, one of our budgies died. I was up late into the night crying, and my father came in and we talked about how he wasn't crying. Real men didn't cry. Looking back, I can see how I internalized that into real men don't feel things. Everywhere around you growing up, one learns that emotions should be contained. The only emotion that was rewarded was the occasional burst of anger. It moulds you into a stoic individual stuck in a loop of shame for feeling any emotion till eventually you find an outlet to blame someone or it becomes a wall of depression that you live with. The video is really well done. (I am curious as to what lighting modifier you used, I love it) Excellently paced, and I really appreciate that the conclusion pinpoints on how the perspectives on feminism can be just as jarring as patriarchy.

[@mistressofstones]

I'm sorry for that 😔

[@samdal420]

Man... I'm so fucking sorry that you and so many other people go through this, I've known for a very long time that I'm not a guy or a girl and have a pretty supportive guardian, yet somehow I still ended up picking up internalizing toxic masculinity, (more like I just bottled up my sadness ans occasionally let it burst into anger) and by doing that in some messed up way I ended up passing more as a guy, and it was so easy to just fall into "masculinity", but phsycologically I'm just built to be more sad since my brain chemicals have been a bit "owchie ow oof" since I was born, and I just wanna have emotions and it just made those brain chemicals of mine even more of a problem for me by bottling them up...idk I this makes sense

[@savosavic1222]

for now at 20:10 I know I will disagree with almost whole video (btw u can skip "the intro" and go strait towards my arguments after wide space between pharagrafs) but for now let me compare ur expiriance with mine in childhood bc my dad never told me anything about emotions and how the man should do he only leads by example that he want to ideolase and live by but can't due to us living in 2nd world country like he always tought me that stealing is bad he was living by words (rad red i mir(work, order and peace)) but when I got to around 12 he started to steal fuel from the government buisnis that he was working in his whole life he wrote jurnals before this of eacht day for when it time comes none can fool him in what he did legally at the job after I learned that he was stealing he told me that he hated himself for it and that he spent countless nights without sleep and crying about that after that I still hated it for it and for a while until I alone realised what is going on and made peace with it (in short life is hard and there might be moments were u will make choises that are wrong but not for yourself but towards others) but after that (character introduction) it finally a time to 17 old teen call a bigot I disagree with his definition about helth bc for me ( tell me if I'm wrong)that definition sounds more like: Helth is human concept that defines set of characteristics for theoretically longest life possible (incert random angry rant about being fat is not healthy) and after that u start measuring traits that will prolong ur life

[@FalseWordz]

it's sad that emotions and crying are related to being weak. I've been told many times by my dad that I shouldn't cry, because crying wont solve anything and I'm not strong enough to handle hardship, hence why I cry. It's bullshit, some people just cry more easily

[@Suited_Nat]

@@samdal420same! When I was a child, I used to internalize a lot more of my emotions due to my father saying shit like this. That intense shame even years later for crying still hasn’t changed, even as a FTN. Like it sucks, because on one hand, I’ve dealt with that internalization of emotions, but on the other hand, in the moments that family members have seen me emotional, they say: “it’s because of my period.”” That pisses me off to a level I don’t know how to fully contextualize. It takes away my agency, and my own valid emotions, all because of a biological thing I hate. I really relate to ya. It sucks. I really wish that as a human, I didn’t have to be born with gendered genitalia. I wouldn’t have to deal with all that the patriarchy as done to scar me, from as young as the age of six. I wish I didn’t have to deal with all the expectations that society puts on everyone, as toxic masculinity affects every group of people. I wish I never was able to have periods.

[@JordanSullivanadventures]

Hearing a trans dude talk about the sociological effects of patriarchy throughout men's lives is putting into words some of the arguments I've been trying to make for literally a decade. Thank you for making this.

[@sonatestd2085]

No wonder she has these opinions

[@sonicmoronic4231]

ooo you reallt got em, i bet you'll giggle about this when you're sitting in your moms basement alone and hating yourself later@@sonatestd2085

[@I_eat_bugs666]

​@sonatestd2085 good argument

[@sonatestd2085]

@@I_eat_bugs666 I know

[@whyplaypiano2844]

@@sonatestd2085 God isn't real.

[@Crazybassable]

When I first moved to Germany, it schocked me to my core when my host-father hugged me. Over the course of a year I saw him openly show love, sadness, even vulnerability, and all of the finer emotions that I had never gotten to see in my Dad and brother in the States. I saw this again and again, and it shattered my US American toxic male habitus. It opened the door for me to explote gender; to build up again what *I* wanted for myself. To see that so many people, including so many older individuals put so much value in those traits at no cost to their masculinity not only changed my life, but it was also one of the biggest reasons for moving back to Germany. My home has never looked the same, and toxic masculinity never so silly or so unfortunate.

[@ballman2010]

I have a response to this that might seem odd. And because tone/intent don't convey online, please know I don't intend to counter or object to anything you said, more that I have a story that feels like an odd poetic juxtaposition to yours. In middle school I spent a few months in a foster home, in a house with 3 other boys and a single (or maybe widowed? It was a long time ago) foster dad. It was a weird situation in many ways, and one thing I'll never forget was how he had this large study room with a big wooden desk and a shelf behind him full of books. He took himself _very_ seriously and had zero sense of humor. I don't remember an ounce of warmth coming from him at all. One time the 2 older boys and I were walking in the woods outside the house and got close to the highway (like a half-mile away). We were playing around and had no particular agenda for being there, it was just interesting to us. After a bit, we were surprised by a gunshot -- he had brought his pistol out and fired it in the air to get our attention. Later he brought us individually into his study to scold us. I've thought about that event a lot as an adult. I have to think there were better ways to get our attention than bringing a gun into the situation. I remember distinctly that he had line-of-sight to us, because we saw him instantly. We were not rowdy kids. Why was a gun necessary? I understand he couldn't have known our intentions, and I'm not saying he was wrong to scold us for playing near the highway. I can imagine, in hindsight, that maybe he was hypervigilant about his duties as a foster parent, and the gun was his way of enforcing his authority. I think there were probably other alternatives. I will always see it as an expression of his attitudes toward being a man and a father, that fear, intimidation, and the threat of violence were the tools he used to force obedience. Being a foster kid was weird in general, adults always projected the worst intentions onto us.

[@alecolson8360]

As an amab i have found the trans masc perspective on this subject to be life-changing

[@bucherregaldomi9084]

same

[@luce6764]

You could say we are something of a... gendering expert : ))))

[@ellw7830]

"trans people understand the complexities of gender deeper than anyone else because we live it every day. that's not a challenge, it's an invitation." -Madison Werner, trans woman and activist

[@vsnake8663]

@stopsin1 Go away and never return

[@randomuruk7230]

​@@ellw7830 What a load of self-serving bs.

[@giopreda]

This is weirdly specific but I absolutely loved you used Orion over any other constellation, and it made me cry. I’m an astronomy major and got into astronomy as a little kid because my grandma showed me Orion, specifically. She recently passed away and I’m getting Orion tattooed on my arm when I graduate this May, partly in her honor and partly to celebrate I’m able to study my passion. That part of the video may have been really insignificant for you but I really can’t thank you enough, it brought me back to my summers in South America stargazing with her.

[@giopreda]

Also, I’m an astronomy major AND a sociology minor, so shit, anything that has to do with constellations is up my ball park. I don’t actually know a ton of constellations since it’s not really relevant for my study, but I’ve taken a few classes about constellations and social constructs built around stars.

[@jossaccountofmadnessandmem1844]

@@giopreda the sheer difference in depth and emotional importance between a mere social construct and a shared, deep personal connection is vast and outstanding. may you treasure those stars for as long as you may live.

[@Wonderlandish]

Funny enough, I cried as well, but for another reason. Stars and astronomy were always a fascination of mine, but being genetically nearsighted and growing as a parentified, neurodivergent “girl” made me get diagnosed with it when I barely saw anything beyond half a meter away, at 8 years old. That was the first moment I actually saw the stars as tiny little specks, not sparse glares. It really got me, and as soon as I got used to the glasses, to finally map the constellations as my books taught became almost like a dream come true,band the first one I recognized was Orion (the man-made connection lines coincided perfectly with my left wrist’s veins, so it wasn’t hard to remember clearly). It became, in my heart, knowing that the night sky belongs to anyone, “my” constellation. I find it with love, every time, so much that it was the first thing I saw the night I was first kicked out by my abusive mother (not related to my trans-ness). It was later the name I chose for myself in transition (as a genderfluid person), I chose Årion (the Å reads as a closed O). To see someone equiparating the understanding of Orion to the understanding of gender hit so hard… These stars really are up there for all of us, and yet will mean great, different things for each one. I love your connection with Orion, even not having known you beyond the comment, have a virtual hug from another human to whom Orion means something bigger than life. I hope the tattoo comes out great.

[@giopreda]

@stopsin1 did i ask?

[@icedlava7063]

my grandma's dog when i was little was named orion. i remember being shown the constellation on really cold nights. it has a special place for me too

[@wiseguy69696]

I'm a cis man and was an emotional kid. My sister and parents would fight a lot and anytime they did I would cry and get scared because it was overwhelming to me. Not sure how old I was, maybe between 6 and 8, possibly older, when my sister got into a really bad fight with my mom. I got emotional and started to cry, then my sister turned on me and screamed at me that I was a boy and that I wasn't supposed to cry all the time (among other things). My response was to immediately stop crying and close in. My parents never came to tell me she was wrong or console me, which reinforced what she said to me as truth (I think). Ever since then I held in the urge to cry or feel/express emotion like that. I think it was traumatizing, because I can still see the memory so clearly and feel in my body the shame she made me feel for having feelings that I couldn't control. The experience made me believe that having negative emotions (or at least expressing them) was something to be embarrassed and ashamed about, and that not expressing them was essential to my identity as a boy and man. I'm working on my emotional intelligence and expression and getting better, but I still struggle so much to let people see me being vulnerable, emotional, crying, etc. I think that my inability to handle negative emotion and negative feedback has had other effects on my life, like my confidence in my own opinions, skills, etc. though I can't be certain about that. I wonder how many people have had similar experiences, where they can trace their poor emotional intelligence to one or two formative experiences as a child. This video was great and gave me some more technical language to understand why I am who I am, as well as ways to communicate/discuss gender issues with others. Thank you so much for making this!

[@thisgoddamusernamestoodamnlong]

omg, that's exactly what happened to me. the no crying part I mean.

[@LettaLeeJoy]

God so much of this speaks to me specifically as a transfem person. That feeling of being expected to act and be like other guys and resenting it so much, but also being so afraid for over two decades that maybe I'm NOT like other guys. And in fact, I know I'm not. So I'd better do everything I can to fix that and burn every bridge, close every door, and smother every part of myself I thought I wasn't supposed to have along the way. And it didn't work.

[@BhasilLeaf]

@notville_🤡🫵

[@CloseEnoughhh]

Yeah, I felt that too. That constant fear that I'd be "found out" led me to try so hard to stop feeling anything. Pretending to be a guy was so confusing, and so utterly lonely. Now that I'm finally out I want to be such a glorious, glowing sunbeam that brightens the light in others.

[@laylahassomethingtosay]

As a trans-femme who was actively closeted from ages 3 to 21, the part of my life I find most painful to look back on is not the early years of pervasive condemnation of my femininity. It's the years immediately thereafter, in which I tried desperately to suppress it myself, thinking that if I could embrace the exact patriarchal ideals that tortured me (and subsequently wield those ideals against others), I would finally reach the social standards required for receiving love. I've gotten to a point of being able to sympathize with that version of myself, but it still really hurts to think of the pain I must have caused others.

[@bucherregaldomi9084]

that's the known alt+right to trans pipeline x'D you are not the only one my friend. Many transes experience the toxic masculinity phase before transitioning

[@-lord1754]

what@notville_

[@alisonnatasha4616]

@@bucherregaldomi9084 Yeah never ask the now communist transgirl what her old politics were *laughs* Its impolite Trans sister Alison : )

[@Emma-Maze]

💛

[@strangejune]

I know what you mean. For me, instead of suppressing it, I isolated myself from most socialization. I'm sure that otherwise, my story wouldn't have been much different from yours, assuming it didn't kill me. I was outright repulsed by many of the men around me, and it didn't help that I was a trans girl who hadn't figured it out. Most people left me alone, but I learned a lot seeing the people who didn't. The men would talk down to me, make jokes about me, laugh at me. I was who they would look at when they wanted to feel "masculine" enough. Since I mostly ignored them, it was easy for them to come and go, so it was usually a different guy from last time. The women would look at me with a sort of pity. It was mostly long glances, although I had some friends who, without having said it, probably felt sorry for me. There was also the occasional girl I didn't already know who would approach me the same way, but I wasn't willing to warm up to anyone and kept to myself. The contrast between those experiences interested me a lot. Both men and women would treat me differently from my peers, but the ways it was different was so confusing at the time. It still kind of is.

[@RexxyRobin]

"You might be thinking: "But penis" True I was thinking that just this morning while I was eating my cereal.

[@ailkoclaeys182]

As a cis guy who has grown frustrated with his inability to properly express emotions to their close ones this video resonates so damn much with me. And it hurts.

[@evarya7099]

hang in there bro 💙 I get what you mean, it's hard to unlearn all the bottling up feelings shit, but it is possible, I swear.

[@nitswaa1935]

An overly clinical sounding word that might point you in a helpful direction: alexithymia! Really, just difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions due to never having been taught how. It can basically describe broad swaths of the male population at this point... and I found it especially helpful watching Dr. K's video on the subject. Having a word can at least help find others with a similar experience, or even resources for learning/improving. And in the spirit of this video... best of luck, brother, you're not alone

[@maddylovesjokes3913]

Hey, I hope you find people that make you feel safe to be vulnerable with. Best of luck

[@corinneskitchen]

Get therapy.

[@Ornithopter470]

​@@corinneskitchenremarkably difficult to do at times. Particularly for men.

[@hacksignify]

This is a subject that's been on my mind since painting my nails in high school caused such horror in my peers. The idea of what a man is is constricting, locking us out of a lot of fun things.

[@marocat4749]

Sup, and its real, like no one botherers if a woman, shock, wears pants. While if a dude even wears a kilt, thsts traditionally masculine, yeah.

[@marocat4749]

​@@user-tj4ee6si7xwhy,thats the problem, did you see any woman called she cant be, because she wears pants? There is a clear problem with way too restrictive accepted social behaviour. Why cant men wear dresses. Where is the trend of probably lofty dresses? Why can women, wear dresses? Em thats the problem. Allowing people to express themselves emotional, like greeks even did., and they were hella sexist.

[@hacksignify]

@@marocat4749 it was a fucked time I'm a very conservative area. It didn't stop me, but I got backlash for it.

[@hacksignify]

@@marocat4749 my point really is the whole gender thing doesn't really make sense. I liked colors, I liked my nice nails. But the fact that every part of me is a dude was astonishing to them. I'm 6'4 290lb gruff, sports loving, shit talking dude. The nails, the nails broke an illusion and instead of like, confront that, some got less nice. Not that they were ever really nice to me in general but they did unlock a few new words to call me if you know what I'm sayin

[@Gabriel_Blair]

​​​@@marocat4749Shadiversity and the Mario Movie, specifically his thoughts on it and why Peach wearing pants is disrespectful to men lol

[@DrMike18]

Working on my PhD in US history has taught me that masculinity is ALWAYS in crisis. There were stuff coming out of Colonial America of fathers crying about how their sons weren’t as “masculine” as they were. Masculinity doesn’t know how to exist without being in crisis which is tragically sad.

[@williamchamberlain2263]

Good point. Like that "kids these days" by Socrates

[@aawillma]

All men must act against their own best interests in order to ensure the powerful men retain their power in case they ever become that powerful man. It feels similar to how poor Republicans vote to support rich people because they see themselves as a future rich person.

[@mattias5157]

"Colonial America" is not always, it´s just a few generations away. If you mean that it has always been hard to become a man, then you are probably right, who said it shouldn´t? And who said it´s not worth the pain.

[@henrikhumle7255]

I sure would hope that you dissertation ends up more nuanced than this nonsense comment. Of course masculinity can exist without being in crisis. In spite of everything, there are a lot of men out there who feel perfectly comfortable and confident in their masculinity and who aren't toxic Tate-fans or anything of the sort. Perfectly normal human being of a male persuasion whose values they would describe as typically male and/or masculine, and who at the same time identify with the struggles and worries of other groups out there who may not subscribe to the same set of values, but whose outlook is equally valid. Feminism, progessivism or whatever you want to call the views being expressed on this side of the equation is not a zero sum game in which femininity has to be proven to be inherently superior and masculinity inferior and something that should be abolished. I don't understand how you could come away from any video longer than an hour on this topic and somehow come to the conclusion that masculinity as a concept must exist in a perpetual state of crisis; least of all if you're a historian.

[@mattias5157]

@@henrikhumle7255 Back in time referring to one´s PhD would suggest that you are knowledgable. Today it tends to mean: "I´ve committed myself to a profound brainwash." I know that this sounds like a vulgar argument, but unfortunately it is a fair description of how the academic standard has gone down and how a system of blunt lies have taken over. My guess, based on your nickname, is that you are a Swede like myself; then you should know a lot about how feminism and wokeism have harmed the University world. And the school system that recruits it´s pupils from. I guess we are on the same page.

[@The_Chosen_Heretic]

As someone who’s been doing a lot of reflecting on…. Basically everything in my personal life and realizing a lot of things about myself, from unhealthy behaviors, and styles of attachment and relationship management, and as a man…. Thank you. This video was incredibly touching, insightful, and validating to me, behaviors I ought to change, and feeling more comfortable in discovering a healthy masculine identity. It also made me realize how my struggles with grief, relationship management, and masculinity are all connected. Thank you very kindly for sharing your experiences, and making this beautiful video. Was a life changing one for me.

[@SquamataReptile]

Im very happy for you, I have felt a worried about the future since I was younger than I am currently, but I see much hope now, I am hopeful that the world will regain its warmth to its people. Love and joy is a birthright and I hope you get all the good you deserve Mr. Chosen Heretic.

[@rooster1090]

As an afab nonbinary person, when I started working in construction, I quickly had to grasp how different the world of manhood is. The guys are all so mean to each other, but that's how they mess around and have a good time. They don't express emotional pain outside of anger. In fact, me simply asking if someone is okay is met with a look that tells me it's not normal to ask. Crying is a no go. Many are terrible fathers and even more are terrible husbands. The alcoholism is normal. Everyone has a buddy whose killed himself. These guys never take days off and will work themselves to the bone. It's honestly just sad. Of course choices are their own, but seeing the very real way these men's upbringing and societal experiences has made them into who they are is surreal. Despite being out as nb, I'm percieved as a woman on site, and it shows. I had to work my ass off to prove I could carry the heavy duct, I could use power tools, I was capable of doing my job. And sure, after a year and a half of proving myself, my team know I can do it, but interacting with other trades will always remind me that most men will see me as unable to do my job. I also become the sound board for my coworkers. I've learned far more about my coworker's lives and feelings than I ever expected. Men who have worked together for years won't know as much about each personal life as I have been told during one on one time. It's the only time I see them express something other than anger, though not much. Only when its just us two. Almost 2 years into working closely with "men's men", and all I can do is hope that society can make a change so the future of masculinity is healthier.

[@corinneskitchen]

It's almost like your material reality matters and not your "gender identity." Huh.

[@frankieloinandgroin]

@@corinneskitchen all of your comments on this video are incredibly miserable

[@corinneskitchen]

@@frankieloinandgroin It's almost like as a woman I care about my rights.

[@electron6825]

​@@corinneskitchenlet's add insufferable as well. You do not need to preface all your comments with "it's almost like" 😂

[@rooster1090]

@corinneskitchen I don't even get what you're trying to say based on what I was saying in my comment lol.

[@ActiveAdvocate1]

You think this is old? The 1950s complaining about the decline of men? Try the 900s BCE, when the Iliad was first written down by Homer's scribe. The text talks about Ajax, a Greek war hero, chucking a boulder at another guy's head with a single hand, and Homer even says, "Such strength as we no longer see in these degenerate days."

[@Pistolita221]

Yes, but the suicide, OD, drop out, unemployment, fatherlessness epidemic, and lack of friendships and relationships do indicate that the modern claims have more validity than the ancient ones.

[@biteofdog]

Those things have existed through the whole course of human history. The only reason we are aware of it now is that everything is well documented online and social media to study. I just hope the lonely folks learn how to better themselves so that they can not be afraid to put themselves out there to make friends and have romantic relationships. I was able to make new friends after I moved to a new city, it took time and for me to get out of my comfort zone. @@Pistolita221

[@EH-dy3vn]

@@Pistolita221 This. "Oh but they've been complaining about men's issue for all of human history, it's nothing, get over it" sounds reallllllly interesting when you realize these same people will tell you that women have been oppressed and had unique problems for all of human history. Apparently only one of these matters, though.

[@ToastytheWulf]

​@@EH-dy3vn I know this is 2 months old but like, what? What argument are you making here? The claim that women have been oppressed for much of human history is sound and consistent with historical records. Like, no one is saying "women these days are so oppressed, I wish we could go back to the old days where that wasn't true." On the other hand, the idea of masculinity being in crisis IS inconsistent with history. The claim "masculinity is in crisis" is often accompanied by the idea that men used to be better and more masculine, which is directly contradicted by men of previous generations making the same complaints. The sentiment being expressed is built on an imagined past that was never real, hence why it's worth criticizing it. Also no one is saying "get over it no one cares" you are literally watching a video about why men's issues matter. Saying "the idea that masculinity is in crisis is based on an imagined past that isn't real and thus this claim should not be taken seriously" is not the same as saying "men's issues don't matter stop talking about them."

[@kaisalmon1646]

As a cis straight guy raised by two cis straight guys (while my mother and stepmother were unable to be effective parents), I ended up having this very deeply routed idea of masculinity that had whole swathes of what i later learnt were maternal traits transplanted on. I feel i still have large parts of the toxic parts of masculinity, but also an idea that masculinity is being able to provide for the ones you love not only materially but also emotionally. Its the bringing home money, but its also the helping the ones you love learn to talk about how they feel, its cooking and its cleaning, its holding someone when they need to be held, its telling someone you love them, it's giving someone the space to tell you how they feel, its having the maturity to tell someone you need help and its saying sorry when you hurt someone. I don't know if my masculinity as "what society expects from a man" plus "what society expects from a mother" is... Better, but sure is different

[@cigaretov]

Thank you for your service, soldier

[@20000dino]

Masculinity doesn't exist. It's a social construct. It's what you make of it.

[@lillyrichter3383]

❤

[@breadman32398]

Now everyone has to play both roles of provider and caretaker And learn to do it all before starting a family. Seems like it is easier to cleanly split the roles between genders and then both people have the bandwidth to excel in their role. Edit: What happens when a couple isn't a perfectly complementary match? Like if both people are bad providers but good nurturers? Or both are good providers, but don't like nurturing kids? If everyone just does what they like and are good at, then you'll get families that are very lacking in certain areas. Especially if everyone ends up with a similar partner to themselves.

[@echothenardier8053]

@@breadman32398 It seems easier, but that doesn’t automatically make it better. My thought is that both parents can be further working on the skills they aren’t proficient in and learning from each other, both for wellroundedness but also for if one parent goes down or is otherwise away for a time

[@Nick_CF]

It all started for me with being yelled at for wearing my mom's heels for fun and playing with dolls...God forbid a kid just does kid shit for nothing other than it's kids doing kid shit.

[@ciaraskeleton]

I said this recently in a comment on another video. Not in this much detail of course. I just realised that society has conditioned men from birth to be the way they are, regardless of how much it harms them. Same for women. I obviously know more about a female experience because i am one, but i just had an 'aha' moment where i understood why general male society is the way it is. It made me really sad. I realised how deep rooted it is. That i cant undo thousands of years of core beliefs, societal conditioning and trauma. I realised that little boys in 2023 are having adult content/situations/emotions thrown at them from birth. They dont have role models. Just generations of men who are also conditioned by society. Their view of women comes from all of that too. Watching how the adults in their lives act, watching porn, watching movies, listening to rappers and athletes who objectify women. Theyre lost and there is no available compass for them. They come into the world already resented and hated, and at the same time, no one wants the job of teaching them or helping them find better ways to view life or cope within society. I got more likes and replies than i thought i would, on the comment. From men and women. I had some really good discussions with them about how real this is. The girls are watching their little brothers go through it as they watch and cant do enough, men are lonely and dont have people to talk to about emotions, nor are they likely to feel comfortable enough to share, some dont know how to connect because they've never had it before. Its a deep..deep...issue. I am not by any means putting men up on a pedestal, im a feminist and a girls girl til i die, but i do see the patterns, and how far back all of this goes historically. I dont know what to do about any of it. Thank you for having the patience to cover such a difficult topic, it hurts my brain regularly trying to put it all together but it needs to be talked about.

[@nocturnalrecluse1216]

And look! The minute I question feminism as a man, my comment gets instantly deleted! My voice is muted once again. I must either submit to the woke guidlines of social media or be silenced. See what I mean now? Disgusting! This isn't fair. 😡

[@weir-t7y]

It's really telling about popular feminist perceptions of men's issues that women have to add disclaimers when they show any concern for them.

[@ciaraskeleton]

@@weir-t7y yeah, I'd call that internet feminism, or 'white' feminism. It's just a man hating trend with no knowledge of nuance. People use the label feminist to mean 'man hater' and that's wrong. Im Autistic, I don't believe in group think or following trends. I found my own understanding of feminism, which Is not in line with popular feminism. I study psychology, it's my special interest, so I consistently see men and women suffering and am in charge of figuring out how best to help those people. So I don't have it in me to be sexist either way. I advocate a lot for DV victims/survivors, SA victims/survivors and adult autistic people. I throw gender out the window and just view each person on a case my case basis as their own unique thing. It is unfortunate that I have to make disclaimers, but on the internet it's easy to be misconstrued and it's best I'm as clear as possible.

[@ZeroNumerous]

"Society is doing this to young boys" is always one of those comments that makes me a little curious. Who is society? Because, honestly, everyone brings this up then go "well, it's a patriarchy!" as if it's men who teach men to be in pain. As a man I can confidently no one taught me anything about being self-sufficient. I had to learn it on my own, because my mother resented me and my stepfather ignored me in favor of his actual child. I learned how to treat women from women; simply by mirroring their behavior. I spent my teen years being mocked and taken advantage of by teen girls, so I did the same. I was a happy and cheerful child, until girls made fun of me for it. I had emotions, until they were derided out of me. It's a learned behavior, but a natural consequence you pick up even without male role models. I learned there was no one to help. No one cared then, nor would care in the intervening years. So I either took care of myself, or I died. Those were my options, and would be my options in perpetuity. They're still my options to this day, because things haven't changed from when I was a teenager. it's a difficult topic, because there's nothing that can be done about it. It's a natural consequence of the human animal. In prior years, at least, men could be respected for their sacrifices and efforts. I joined the Army only to come back to a society that hated me twice as much as when I left it.

[@nocturnalrecluse1216]

Seems to me that you're blaming the male for their own flaws instead of society shames them for being male. If you want my opinion, I believe the fault lies with modern-feminism and it now excludes males entirely where the societal norm is to focus solely on girls and women, leaving boys and men to fend for themselves. In truth, the patriarchy has already been smashed and all feminism is smashing now is the future of the male gender. That isn't helping us or the feminist cause, and blaming us for the flaws of modern-feminism doesn't help either.

[@izaiahdb]

hard disagree - the problem with celery is the horrifying texture, not the taste. it tastes fine, just don't ask me to chew it

[@happycamperds9917]

Celery has a unique chemical that some people can taste and some people can't. And it tastes like mercury.

[@kimyoonmisurnamefirst7061]

If it's the texture, there is celery without the strings in it...

[@Alenasup]

No it tastes like horrible bitter soap and ruins all dishes it is in

[@NoiseDay]

Must be a relative to cilantro

[@kimyoonmisurnamefirst7061]

@@NoiseDay It is.

[@emaciatedunicorn]

As a trans guy who hasn't seen many great examples of masculinity from my own community to the point of borderline fear of other trans men (looking at you Kalvin Garrah) this makes me feel so safe and seen.

[@falconeshield]

Elliot Page? Jamie Raines?

[@Its_another_bird]

Fellow trans man/masc here! I really recommend Ty Turner as a cool trans man example of healthy masculinity. I personally veer more towards the very masc (beard, shaved bald ((because balding lol)) presentation with openly queer and feminine aspects (femme painted nails, jewelry, sometimes androgyny etc), but Ty is really great to have as a "guys guy but a genuinely nice guy" model imo Jammidodger is also incredible, and I know with 100% certainty that he is a healthy model of masculinity. Also p masc presenting, but soft and comfortable with himself and it shows I struggle a lot still with guilt over transitioning due to being seen as a man and the trauma responses that can go with that, and it's helped me to see healthy men, both cis and trans, just living their lives. Cool cis men for models of healthy masculinity (also v masc presenting though) are "The Speech Prof" and "That Dang Dad". Extremely kind and thoughtful people, with the latter being a guy who got himself out of some really toxic places and mindsets. Incredibly important for me to see. Kind of a long ramble of recommendations, but hopefully they help you in your journey like they helped me! 💚

[@LoneWulf278]

@@falconeshield There’s also Noah Finnce and Chaz Bono. But I think he is talking about his own community.

[@AZ-ty7ub]

Bit of a tangent but I've been thinking about Kalvin Garrah lately. As far as I know he's only active on his patreon where he continues to spill his self-hatred onto for his likewise self-hating fans. As the transmed movement dwindles and dwindles (even though there are still some left, it's not near what it was), I can't help but wonder how he feels. Part of him has to feel lonely in some way, left behind, knowing it's because of what he's done that so many trans people want nothing to do with him. He has to know too that it's probably too late for him as well- he's hurt too many people, he's been too mean, too vicious, that he knows even if he changed his mind that a lot of people (justly) would not trust or welcome him. I just wonder if it was worth it, if he thinks in his heart of hearts it was worth it. All just to feel superior for a couple of years on the internet, to trade that for a lifetime of community. I dunno. He's probably just as much of a truscum as he ever was because at this point growth would be too painful. Wonder if it was worth it.

[@wilkinsandwontinsachievemu3772]

@notville_bro you have no content 💀

[@Treblebeatgames]

One of my most defining moments I discovering my own emotions as a man again, is when I was having a breakdown on being unloved and unwanted. A friend of mine messaged me to check in on me, and without prompting, he said he loved me. I've said it to him before, but I'd not even spoken to him in a few days and he sent that to me. I never felt better about myself, and I changed to be someone worthy of being loved by my friends. I feel I've done a good job.

[@Treblebeatgames]

Tell the men in your life who are worthy of your love that you do, indeed, love them. No prompting. They don't need to do something for you. Just let them know that you value them as them, and not for what they provide.

[@ErenDenizMert]

Ew

[@beatblocksgaming]

We have to look out for all our brothers out there, we matter too

[@lellmajar]

😊😊 thats.. so beautiful love it keep fighting!!! Love is wonderful

[@josephjoestar4633]

@@ErenDenizMertallahını

[@jbisdavis]

This video is wonderful, and is everything I have been trying to get across for a long time. I am absolutely thrilled to see so many people of all genders relating to the experiences you talked about. This is such important information, and I hope this knowledge becomes more prevalent in mainstream feminism in the future. Absolutely wonderful video, 10/10

[@balaynganiyebe]

​@notville_ coming up next: the "didn't ask" guy finds out who asked him 🙀

[@bdarecords_]

@stopsin1 That has "Im making fun of people who think the earth is a globe" vibes all over it. Just embarassing. Self-own.

[@ghost.and.gills.]

I love when videos actually makes you think about how people view themselves it’s so interesting. This is quality content

[@LichenLichenLich]

I think jealousy plays a part in unfortunate men hating on feminism. We men have been robbed of the tools to identify and deal with our own oppression. We make light of our problems. It's frustrating when we see women band together and support each other seemingly with ease because it so hard for us. Men are raised to be in competition with each other whilst women cooperate. Also, due to homophobia, it's hard to form a close friendship between 2 individual men without people making the assumption you're gay, so we have friend groups instead. It's hard enough opening up to one person, let alone your boys who will turn to each other and make jokes to avoid the embarrassment of our own feelings.

[@makhnothecossack4948]

I have to admit this makes me confused, since the modern antifeminist manosphere is all about having close male-to-male friendships to discuss with them about things a man allegedly cannot talk with his girlfriend/wife. That's at least what I've seen when observing all those manosphere cliques on social media.

[@aaaccc7173]

⁠@@makhnothecossack4948 The Manosphere is not all about male friendship. It’s about shaming men into adopting a false ideal of what being a man is, and shaming women who don’t make men their #1 priority. It’s as alienating as unhealthy male friendships, where you aren’t allowed to be emotionally open or vulnerable.

[@makhnothecossack4948]

@@aaaccc7173 I beg to differ. It seems that according to the manosphere, that's the only relationship in which you can be open and vulnerable, but I don't know then.

[@peachesandcream22]

I don't want to dissapoint you but women, more often than not, are also raised to hate each other and compete with each other for male attention, resources, protection etc. That's why "pick me girls" were popular in media for some time. And many mysogynists don't even believe that a woman can live in such concept like "friendship" because for them, every woman is "an evil slut who tries to hop on our penises for our resources". So, both men and women are raised to hate each other and their own gender.

[@brownlesbo]

men aren't oppressed but ok

[@OmeletteGirl]

Thank you for making me fall in love with philosophy and sociology. Your work is always amazing and always helps me formulate my thoughts on the given topic. When I started watching aretheygay years ago I had no idea it would turn me into a transbian communist but here we are...

[@svarakissoon1189]

samee. his content has really been instrumental in my interest in the social sciences and has been a pillar in my life throughout my journey to accepting my own identity.

[@espeon871]

@@svarakissoon1189same!

[@espeon871]

Fate is a crazy thing

[@OmeletteGirl]

@@espeon871it truly is...

[@3XHS]

As a cis guy (probably, at least as far as I can tell), I feel this stuff severely. I often find myself despising my own masculinity - that my existence as a man will always make other people around me feel threatened, that I'm unable to just talk about my emotions outside of rare moments, that my own natural fears are seen as nothing but weaknesses. The whole issue is amplifies by the fact I'm aromantic and asexual, meaning I have to rely solely on my friendships and family for that support. Even if I can understand and see why it is that's the case, it doesn't mean I can just fix it - these problems still stick around regardless. Sometimes I feel awful because I have so much trouble crying, even when I feel like I should cry. It hurts a lot. This video, like many others, did a great job of expressing those issues. At the same time, there are things I like about masculinity - things that are hard to express and describe, but I feel them nonetheless. It just feels... kind of hopeless to me, that I don't have any good way of solving these issues. I want to change this, but it just doesn't feel like I have any path to do so. If anyone read this, thank you for putting up with me shouting into the void. Have a good day, and if you haven't cried in a while, maybe give it a try.

[@SuperRat420]

So damn sorry you have to worry about your feelings when we're worried about you raping and killing us, dude.

[@thebluedork]

Society today had become so toxic and has made it much harder for anyone to make real connections. The bullies are even more rampant due to social media which has caused many to feel even more isolated rather than connected. Being a man has never been easy and the expectations from a cultural and social context make it hard to navigate what's right and what's wrong especially when we all just want to be part of a community. The only thing we can do as individuals is to share with others and find a middle ground to try and make a better world for future generations. It's a very slow process but it's already started.

[@sarahwatts7152]

I share a lot of these feelings, but about femininity - a lot of emotions are stigmatized (particularly anger and "too much" sadness), so it's sometimes hard to talk to certain people about certain feelings, particularly the people the feelings are about. I've been black-sheeped in my family for wanting to work out issues and am therefore seen as being "extreme." Of course, one of the big differences is that it is a lot easier to talk to people I trust about my feelings, plus a norm among women is emotional problem solving. But I also do have pride in my femininity, even as I see all the pretty substantial downsides. There's a feeling or a shape to it that I really enjoy which is hard to separate from the parts I hate - which is probably why masculinity and femininity are such strong concepts, and why people like them so much.

[@SuperRat420]

lol *never* been easy> Get real dude@@thebluedork

[@purpleghost106]

@@thebluedork Being human has never been easy. Society hasn't "become toxic" it was *always always always* toxic. But alienation has increased as the wealthgap has, and because of our external struggles we get internal struggles. Mental health doesn't get better when you're hustling outside and stagnating inside. Our knowledge of emotional toxicity has increased too, and that plays a major role. But, if you can name something you can change something, and I think we can change it for ourselves not just next generation. You're correct that change is often slow, but it doesn't have to be. Sharing peer to peer is slow, information camapaigns are not. We're barely more than one full generation out from the stop smoking campaigns but it's not looked at the same in society as it was for our grandparents.

[@tinfoilslacks3750]

I don't think it's so much that feminism failed men, I think it's that patriarchy failed men, and feminism failed to dismantle patriarchy, opting to expand women's power, material wealth, and acceptable behaviours within a patriarchal system. Psychological patriarchy splits elements of the human experience into a set of male and female traits, insists that men may only present according to the male set and women to the female set, and then places value on the male set and devalues the female set. Materialist, opportunistic femninism pivoted away from dismantling patriarchal thinking. Instead of trying to stop the cleaving of human experience into male and female halves, the insistence that men and women act a particular way, and the valuing of one set and the devaluing of the other, opportunistic feminism was focused primarily on elevating the economic and material conditions of women. It did so by expanding the sphere of patriarchal power to include women who sought it. The human experience was still split into male and female, society still valued male qualities and devalued female qualities, but incrementally women were permitted to exhibit the suite of positive male attributes responsible for men's dominance and material wealth, without having to adopt negative elements of masculinity, give up all positive elements of femininity, or allow men access to positive elements of femininity. In essence, a lot of contemporary feminism reinforced and made more rigid elements of patriarchy, but advanved women's material wellbeing and societal status by allowing them to play the role of men. I wouldn't say that feminism failed men, I would say that feminism failed both men and women because other forces in society saw feminism as a threat and subverted the goal of gender equality with the goal of female-inclusive patriarchy. I would argue the current crisis in masculinity (because masculinity is always in crisis) is that traditional positive elements of masculinity have become largely gender neutral, and no alternative masculinity has presented inself for men to model. How can men assert their identity as men when the only elements of masculinity left are either the negative elements we don't place value on like the capacity for violence, or are merely the absence of feminine attributes such as emotionality. I think a lot of modern men's only concept of masculinity is "men are the people who aren't women". It's a negative (negative in the sense it an absence of or exclusionary, not necessarily bad) identity. I'm sure that our current crisis of masculinity is distinct from past crises of masculinity, because past crises of masculinity were a product of patriarchal masculinity being an unreachable ideal we assume the past had that the present lacked no one can ever measure up to. Contemporary men I think, are not struggling with their masculinity because it's an unattainable ideal, I think they're struggling because they no longer have one. They are defined purely by not being women. They have no positive proactive qualities to embody or adopt that codifies them as men, because they're now gender neutral. Nonetheless men are still shamed for not being men despite the fact there aren't productive and positive ways left *to* be men. Then, despite the fact these traditionally masculine roles have been expanded to be gender neutral, they are still expected of men despite the fact they don't make them men. Women may now be a provider or breadwinner, but men *must* be, for instance. So where does that leave us? The negative toxic elements of masculinity which are almost entirely the absence of feminine qualities. *Not* being emotionally expressive or available, *not* expressing yourself authentically, *not* being affective, a homemaker, a dependent, *not* having close friends to confide in or strong social circles. The only way left to definitively be a man is to embody the elements of manhood we don't value, like a capacity for violence or emotional closedness. If you give men the options of well balanced but gender non-specific person, and toxic lopsided man, they'll pick the latter. Because men are hungry for literally any identity or affirmation of maleness instead of merely being "the people that aren't women". I hope all of that made sense. And I hope I didn't either a) come off disparaging women or b) imply that women are primarily advantaged by and men disadvantaged by society. I merely wanted to try and put into words the asymmetrical nature of progress regarding gender equality.

[@Pistolita221]

10/10, I had these concepts but couldn't dream of putting them in such a clear and succinct way.

[@scandalouspanda7489]

Great write up.

[@yannaw8156]

I love this. Great read!

[@nullvoid3265]

How does this guy keep serving curly dwight schrute in the absolutely most iconic and gayest way possible

[@RilianSharp]

i was heading towards transitioning to male, but i began to see other people trying to force toxic masculinity onto me, so i decided to be androgynous. i wanted to express my masculine gender but i couldn't stand the baggage it came with. my friends accept me as a trans masculine person who wears yoga pants and pink shirts.

[@corinneskitchen]

Congrats you're a woman who is gnc.

[@RilianSharp]

@@corinneskitchen define "woman"

[@corinneskitchen]

@@RilianSharp Adult human female (our entire bodies are female). What's your definition?

[@RilianSharp]

@@corinneskitchen why do you need the word woman then? why not just use female. a person who identifies as a woman.

[@corinneskitchen]

@@RilianSharp Seriously? "Female" includes girls, non-human animals, plants, etc. Also you can't use the word itself in the definition - that's circular.

[@RideOfTheRohirrim]

I'm shook hearing that that 'rapturw where boys silently accept the loss of feeling loved' isn't just something I felt. For me it happened right around high school

[@Xegit]

As a person that has been raised in a very homophobic/lgbtqphobic household and is currently transgender secretly and 13 if that makes sense, i can not believe how hard this video actually hit me, this is incredibly high quality, keep it up!

[@_desibees1876]

keep safe, and I hope you find safe shores in life!

[@Eosinophyllis]

Hope things turn out all well for you

[@lemond2007]

Don't let these fraudsters groom you into believing you are a "transgender". They are trying to separate you from your friends and family so you can join their sick cult.

[@Tsuruchi_420]

Well, your situation is pretty much what this guy had going on when he started making videos, so it makes sense

[@Brooklyn99432ofmd]

💕💕💖😁🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈👍🏻definitely makes sense sibling 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[@Puerco-Potter]

This was beautiful, I am afraid some people may attack your character for even talking about the situation in an empathic and deep way. As a fellow man, I envy your talent and your courage.

[@SquamataReptile]

I dont see how people will get angry at such a lovely and compassionate video but it was really awesome to watch as a girl myself (although I may be non binary?) regardless, I was brought up as female and am happy to have the gift of the internet’s wide variety of people and their experiences so that I can grow more empathetic to other peoples issues.

[@Brighterdays346]

@notville_weirdo…

[@uniquenewyork3325]

Everything that will ever be posted is going to face criticism, that isn't a bad thing just a way to address what people take from your content

[@peterlewis2178]

@@Brighterdays346 If they were a real person (kind of doubt it), and were being serious (also doubt it), then they're not just a creep. If you don't know what CP stands for, it's an abhorrent and very illegal thing that involves child ab*se.

[@bdarecords_]

@NotVille_ Vile person with no future

[@SeidenFisk]

Just a note on the quotes from that “Deserve Less” book towards the end; the suggestion that all innovation and invention made by men came from their pursuit of sex is insane. Spend two hours doing something laborious and repetitive, and you will start to at least think of ways to make whatever you’re doing easier and more efficient. Presumably the coombrain making such suggestion is unfamiliar with the concept of manual labor.

[@althechicken9597]

Ever since i was a kid, i would push against norms imposed on me. I hated being put in boxes, or being told what i couldnt and couldnt do. Even as a kid i thought it was so dumb that some of my friends wouldnt play with an easy bake oven because "its a gurl toy!" I grew up in a religious community and family so i was like 14 before those feelings became actual ideas and i was able to find out that other people share them, and i wasnt the only person who didnt fit neatly into these socail categories and constructs.

[@jonathanogebe7269]

This resonates so much

[@maxm9]

KZbin put an incredibly manipulative ad for an anti trans “docu drama” on this video for me. Stay safe out there y’all

[@corinneskitchen]

LMAO

[@grnmjolnir]

Yeah. Stupid Epoch times. Run by a cult that did the "China before communism" play.

[@person-vc3hf]

omg i see those all the time, they dont go away

[@ybokors8524]

I'll recommend uBlock Origin or another ad blocker. It's free and easy.

[@peterlewis2178]

Although, in the spirit of Sociology, maybe that would be worth watching...

[@amydurham5606]

"Oh wow that was a cool comment, i wonder what the replies-" _Never look at the replies_

[@Trojanite]

I adore your style of presenting these information in these forms of video essays! Keep up the good work, yo

[@SpinningSideKick9000]

Damn, at the start of the video, I thought I was being belittled and insulted, but it turns out I was just defending an idea that didn't merit respect. I consider myself open minded and I'm not really attached to masculinity, but I was still emotionally defensive of a system that dehumanizes everybody. Thank you

[@SpinningSideKick9000]

@@sparingharbor2600 There's a lot to unravel here. I don't intend to persuade you, because you're making emotional appeals and disguising them as logic. To anybody else reading this, I'd question the logic of prescribing our behavior to nature when nothing we do is natural. It's like looking at animals in a zoo and assuming the things they do are natural and basing your opinion about their behavior on that. Secondly, the historical presence of a hierarchy doesn't make It's presence natural or superior. By that logic, you can say that livestock like pigs and cattle are at their evolutionary peak and natural state because they exist more abundantly and have for thousands of years now. The same goes for humans, so, unless you have a fossil record of a patriarchy from 10,000 years ago, it wouldn't even be a proper example of something natural. In addition to that, it's presence in nature wouldn't assume any kind of superiority It's about quality over quantity.

[@SpinningSideKick9000]

@@sparingharbor2600 That's not how any of that works

[@alliu6562]

I think my “holy shit I’m a man and it SUCKS” moment was when I realized I no longer had access to the network of support that women have built up. It started when I realized that an old award given to me in high school is something I can no longer feel proud of achieving. Why? It was an award for a high achieving *girl* with potential in English/Language Arts. I was a junior at the time, and I had not come out to anybody (not that I knew what I’d be coming out about yet, bc I didn’t solidify my identity as transmasc until about half a year after the award was given out). Academically, I know I deserved that award. I was a high achiever in high school (despite the undiagnosed mental health issues I had), and was almost valedictorian. But socially… I feel almost guilty for “taking” the award from someone who is actually a girl, who might feel more proud of it even as she gets older and finds more of herself. I can’t say I blame anyone, not even myself, because again, I did not know how to describe my feelings until after the award was given out, but it did make me realize the opportunities for me suddenly shrank. “What do you mean it shrank? Don’t you benefit from male privilege?” you might ask. And sure, sometimes it *is* beneficial to not be flirted with now that I have hairy man legs, weird half-shaven man stubble, and look for all the world like a disgruntled, nerdy 16 year old boy (I’m an adult). But when an employer looks at my legal documents they still see a girl. I do not feel good applying to women’s scholarships (for what I hope are obvious reasons), I do not feel comfortable trying to access women’s spaces. But where do I have to turn instead, when I need help, when I face discrimination? I’m really glad Alex is speaking up about this bc what a lot of people don’t realize is how much emotional support and connection many trans men lose as a result of transitioning. Not to sound like “that guy”, but… I’ve experienced more and more instances of (cis) women only talking to me if they can see me as their gay bestie. Meanwhile, non-transmasc queer people seem to hold me at arm’s length until I make it clear that my masculinity is aligned with effeminate gay men, not scary macho straight men, but transmascs always open up immediately, like we are both starving for emotional connection and can finally, *finally* share it with someone who *understands* .

[@Lilybun]

I used to feel bad studying STEM at university knowing full well I was a gender quota shoe-in that elbowed some guy with way better grades out of a spot they worked harder than me to obtain. Felt a lot better after first year when 75% of my fellow students dropped out but it still feels wrong years later, like I abused the system in a zero-sum game. Outside looking in the male world seems like a crab bucket I'm glad I don't have to participate in even while working in a male dominated field. Do I compete with men in hiring? Yes. Am I judged on the same metrics as they are as potential candidates? For better and for worse, no.

[@TheRedKing247]

This comment breaks my heart because I know as a non-traditionally-masculine cis dude how isolating being outwardly a man is and how difficult it can be finding people to share your emotions with and have support like (I assume) women do. It makes me not surprised and deeply depressed finding out transmasc people have to deal with that all the same.

[@JoshBran_D_On]

My sister untransistioned and this is part of the reason why. So many woman have no idea how good they have it emotionally. I've never really had someone to open up to other than therapists, so it's just "normal" to me. Can't imagine the whiplash that transmasc people go through. On top of everything else they are suffering from mentally, to experience that? Not to mention how the media is dominated by transfem stuff, it's like transmasc issues are invisible or non-existent to most people

[@connordziaba9630]

@@JoshBran_D_On I think its fair to say the vast majority of women have no concept of the loneliness and isolation being a man comes with and what that does to us. This is especially clear with feminists (normal ones, not the crazy people). I will constantly hear from them that "you don't know what it's like to be a woman" which is obviously fair, but it completely ignores what it's like for us. I would argue men who are in those activist spaces have some idea of what women go through, because of how much it is talked about, meanwhile the women have no idea of our side and seem to have little interest in learning. I think because women are so used to their positive emotional spaces they probably assume men have it similar and even if they don't I expect it would be extremely difficult for them to actually understand what our lives are like emotionally. Whereas for men looking in on a woman's life experiences, I think it might be easier to relate to some of them because a lot of us have experienced some kind of trauma or discrimination for any number of things at some point in our lives; therefore we at least have a reference to understand those experiences from. Also, in my experiences with feminists I know, they seem to be constantly looking for a way to ignore how society affects men and rather focus on how women are affected, and this then perpetuates to make it worse for men and even less likely for our issues to be addressed or even acknowledged. Also, I think the media focuses on transfem because (on a superficial level) it's amab people coming into women's spaces, which receive more focus in general, whereas transmasc are afab people entering men's spaces, and as soon as they are male presenting, the media (and a lot of people in general) ignore them just like they ignore cis men. Notice: I am not downplaying women's issues, I'm not blaming women or feminists, I simply want to address multiple issues at once.

[@purevert]

So you are saying you became a man but didn't change any of the documentation? It's that like deception or something?

[@lacyandspacey]

This video made me feel deeply sad and hopeful at the same time. I'm a children's therapist and most of my clients are boys. I really hope I can at least give them a place where they can feel their emotions are acceptable and safe to feel and explore. Maybe slowly things will change.

[@lancewalker2595]

"Maybe slowly things will change." Why I do I know that what you really mean is: "maybe slowly I WILL CHANGE THE BOYS".

[@Jamhael1]

Problem: No one knows what "better" is, only that what we have is "bad". Combine this with Normative Male Alexithymia, and you end up with a dumpster fire...

[@AnarchistEagle]

I'm a gay enby, socialized as a cis het boy. I just remember growing up with this constant fear that I was doing "it" wrong and it was everything. I thought I hated music for a while, because the music I would learn I actually liked wasn't stuff men were supposed to like. So I never let anyone else hear the music I listened to for decades. I wouldn't even say who my favorite artist was because I was terrified of having my masculinity questioned yet again. Others would play music in the car with passengers, but I would always turn mine off the second someone entered the car with me, even though I would sing the lyrics if I were alone. I had to constantly monitor the way I walked, the way I talked, the way I responded to physical touch, and so on. I was always at risk of not being a man or being outed. I'm pretty sure it's broken parts of me permanently. I wish I could know who I would have been had I not policed myself like that for years and years.

[@quinnfarris]

I promise its not too late to start sharing the things you enjoy with people you love. It's a tough process, but it's never too late to start healing

[@ChrisHilgenberg]

On another note, healthygamergg did a video explaining why men are increasingly turning towards redpill sources, and shockingly it has a lot to do with the lack of validation some men are getting in traditional circles (even some women who don't want to deal with men who exhibit other emotions like sadness instead of anger). bell hooks has already wrote about this before, The Will to Change is a start, but a conversation men need to have with themselves of what they really want in life.

[@InitialDraal]

We lost most of men's only spaces and are increasingly raised by only women. So yeah no wonder men are lost, they don't even start with a chance. The lack of validation is actually just a side effect of this. And when you're hurting and don't know where to go internet has the solution : go towards the only male advocacy group aka the redpill. It's not men that needs to have a conversation or change, it's actually women that need to let men mentor children and raise them to be good men.

[@alliu6562]

I agree, and it’s why I’m glad guys like Dr. K exist. He is actually providing a space for these guys to start their journey. And he even specifically brands himself and titles his videos using terms that would draw in that specific audience, and then spin it on its head once they’ve clicked on. It’s fascinating actually. Like… healthy clickbait haha. You thought you were clicking into a video to affirm your toxic ideas of masculinity, but surprise! Gotcha! It’s actually genuinely helpful advice about how to become a better person as a whole and why you feel a certain way and how you can improve *without* manosphere grifters like Andrew Tate or Aiden Ross. I like that guy a lot, bc he’s taking action to show these red pill guys that maybe…. The red pill is bad for them.

[@bone6495]

We don't want to be slave for boojee lefitists, thats a start.

[@christianandjesse7370]

The issue is mem want this validation from women almost exclusively. Men want a female sex partner, therapist, cook, and maid. Most of these mem claiming that society has failed them, are saying so because they are unmarried and don't have great jobs. We don't let women claim society is broken because they're broke and unmarried..we actually blame women 100% on that

[@meala23]

@ChrisHilgenberg Which video are you referring to here?

[@samarakern3014]

This is so well done :-) I recommend Iris Marion Young's "Throwing Like a Girl" if you haven't read it - it's on metaphysical feminine modality. Nods to the discipline and self-surveillance that women face subconsciously.

[@Ms42Night]

As a 27y/o “baby” trans man… thank you for putting into words the struggles I have tried to put into words about my emotions.. that feeling. The sadness I have when thinking of when I “pass” that ill loose an emotional part of my way of experiencing the world

[@lemond2007]

@@maddylovesjokes3913 Ignored

[@ZeroNumerous]

As a man who's been a man his entire life: You only lose it if you choose to give it up. I'll pass on to you what my master sergeant passed on to me: "Mutts bite and bark and bitch at one another all day. But the wolf does not care about the yapping of mutts. Be the wolf." Meaning, the complaining and whining of your contemporaries only matters if you let them drag yourself down.

[@JessyAyotte]

@@maddylovesjokes3913 Ignored

[@JordanSullivanadventures]

"Patriarchy requires a structure of failure to maintain a domination predicated on fear." Damn that is so incisive. The idea of masculinity as something policed, repressive, domineering, and inherently impossible for any one person to actually embody makes it fragile. It's why men throughout recent history have bemoaned the fact that men are failing to live up to the standard, and instead of reevaluating the standard, they blame women or other marginalized groups for somehow corrupting men. But I would like to think that every time certain men complain that masculinity is being "corrupted" by feminity, we're moving a little bit further away from toxic, masculinity and patriarchy.

[@ikilledthemoon]

Patriarchy is just a hierarchy that's organized by what women consider attractive in men. Men that don't participate in patriarchy meaningfully get treated the absolute worst.

[@maddylovesjokes3913]

@@ikilledthemoon As a woman I would love to add my opinion that you're very much overgeneralizing women. I've never wanted a particularly "masculine" man. I've wanted a caring one. One of whom I can mutually split tasks with. One of which I can spend time with and learn his interests and share mine. A patriarchal world is not one I want to live in and I want to be treated as a human being just as you want to. Please open your mind to the possibility that you are basing your opinions off of a small and inaccurate worldview.

[@ikilledthemoon]

@@maddylovesjokes3913 I want the same out of a woman, a woman that just likes to hang out and we can form a committed relationship based on shared experiences, but feminists constructed dating in such a way that men must be willing to constantly out pace the average woman's promiscuity. But as a guy when you say that you're labeled a misogynist. The guy who wrote this book also did a video clip you should see. "US Chicks Body Counts Are Crazy." In the clip the women all claim that they and their friends have on average 30 partners. Some women had friend groups where 80 or 100 partners is the norm by the age of 25. And guess what? Not a single one of these women wanted any of the men they dated to have less experience. Patriarchy is a direct consequence of the fact that men must constantly be evolving and out competing the average woman or never find a partner. So if you're a guy that dated like me based not on looks or an immediate desire for sex, you get treated the worst. And that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a perfect catch or a 'nice guy' that is owed something, but feminists and leftists need to stop perpetuating this stupid 'patriarchy' narrative as if men have arbitrarily decided that women are beneath them and are something to be dominated. It's not true or accurate. The relationships between the sexes is not the same as racial oppression, because most men and most women desire a partner. Men aren't oppressing you by trying to be what it takes to find a romantic partner. But when you tell them they can't approach women in public, but oh btw women will never approach, they come to the conclusing that yeah, 'I guess I have to be what's on the cover of a romance novel to get a woman to treat me like a person' and that kind of person is an Andrew Tate. It's not that hard to grasp. What women find most sexually attractive is what they call patriarchy. They don't punish the men participating the most, they punish men not participating the most.

[@ikilledthemoon]

@@maddylovesjokes3913 So it's not really a generalization say women date up. Most women do. The women that don't would date a man that makes about as much as they do or less, but most women that date a man earning less have that guy on a shot clock until he surpasses her or she breaks up with him. Every other generalization about women that you see on Fresh and Fit's show is a consequence of the reality that women mostly date up. So men can't really date up as well. Men can't even choose to date down. We choose women based on an entirely orthogonal set of values like youth and beauty, ability to have kids, promiscuity. Because that's what women are using in the first place to get a partner that has more experience and outearns them. So when Myron says women deserve less what he's communicating is that women have deemed it misogynistic for men to have any set of standards. But the reality is they have no real choice but to avoid single moms since single moms often take their deficits and charge a man extra for them. So the man has to put out additional labor for a child that doesn't love or respect him that he can't fully discipline and will abandon him at any moment. That's the meaning of the book 'women deserve less.' It's not really misogynistic at all. Women will sleep with 50 men, demand a man that has 60 partners, and inexplicably expect that guy to pick a woman with 50 partners over a woman with 2. Think about it, if all women are demanding a man that's superior, why would a man ever, under any circumstances choose a woman that's only slightly inferior? Why not choose the most inferior woman possible? Make sense? It's a bit hyperbolic but it's not inaccurate.

[@maddylovesjokes3913]

@juded6639 You are so extremely off the mark now. Body count is a social construct that should not matter. If you are going after women who think its so important to have a high body count then you very much are only looking for a purely social relationship. Not a romantic one. Social relationships that are relationships formed out of the need to have relationships/need to look good and so on. The way you think about women is definitely not how the majority of women are. I'm sorry you've had problems with problematic spoiled women but it seems you are the same bit problematic and spoiled. Expecting women to bend for what you need and blaming them for your own misfortunes in dating is purely your own problem, not theirs.

[@Rossoinred]

Love the comment section. Just people sharing traumatic stories about having to conform just to end up with "I might be non-binary honestly" Great video btw, really good production (love the colours of the shots)

[@SuperGorak]

Gotta vent real quick, I'm cishet, and I just can't fucking deal with how men socialize anymore. This dryness, the quip contests, the short-circuit rationalism, the belief that emotions are superstitious and childish in nature, when they're factual things that can be grasped, with an internal logic that can be understood. I can't go on with that stoic, ultracool vibe with other men any longer. I don't wanna be my friend's bro. I wanna be his friend. If that makes sense. I've even questioned my sex and gender way back because not only are my emotions so damn strong, but I also feel impulses towards caring acts as much and as strongly as I feel, like, anger. They're just there and I can't ignore them. I am 100% sure atomization and alienation happen when toxic masculine (and capitalist) standards evaporate our inner eye for our needs. We unlearn what it means to live in community and neighborhood, to see or hear others, or be seen or heard. We don't take our authentic inner lives to the table, so we subconsciously feel disconnected by default. We don't feel that we are the system, even when we act out of and feel all the entitlement to be part of the club. Entitlement is ever just cope for a deeper sense of undeserving. And we all felt undeserving because we all felt these emotions at one point. We unlearn that there is a sense of societal leverage that comes with non-transactional, reciprocal interpersonal relationships. And that you can learn not to be afraid for the value of your own personhood, or your lovability. Suddenly your emotions (and true self) are seen, you learn that your inner self can contribute to societal change. Women have known this shit forever, man. Toxic masculine standards in combination with expectations of academic performance within a dysfunctional family structure made me so fucking mentally ill.

[@enterrobang]

take it to a publisher. jp i get what u mean

[@svarakissoon1189]

so glad to have these "more serious" sociological videos. your channel has really become a comfort channel for me, regardless of the content that you're making, but i love your charisma and it has made me look at things from different perspectives and explore certain concepts more thoroughly than i do in my classes. i've been a fan of your videos for a few years now, before i even started studying sociology myself in any sort of serious way and now i'm planning to pursue it at a tertiary level. hopefully this isn't weird and parasocial, but you really have been a huge part of my passion and interest in the field.

[@morganburt2565]

am i gay watcher to sociology student pipeline gang

[@0w0_000]

I was just binge watching your videos and suddenly KZbin notified me! The quality of the videoes lately are astonishing. Keep it up!!

[@Adivinamelas]

Showing support after watching what James has done to you and others ❤❤❤

[@Andyatl2002]

I highly recommend watching his stuff if you haven’t, it’s all very funny and informative

[@Blaineworld]

@@Andyatl2002 *funny if you think saying gay constantly is funny (which it objectively is of course)

[@anomienormie8126]

1:09:45 This hits hard. I’m transmasc nonbinary and this sort of… lumping me in for the blame of men in general has me often dropping the “masc” part altogether when introducing myself. I’ve been the target of misogyny, more than a lot of cis and trans women. And yet for being transmasc I’m left out of conversations regarding misogyny.

[@ZeroNumerous]

Welcome to this side of the plantation. I'm sorry that you have to put up with that. Letting it drag you down is only going to hurt you in the long run.

[@ohladysamantha]

thank you to you and the other transmasc contributors for your vulnerability in sharing how you were toxic in the past. this was an incredible video.

[@ForteFaiey]

​@notville_Ew

[@itskurapikasfacenotsailorm]

​@notville_ragebait

[@destroyer4929]

@@itskurapikasfacenotsailormno it's just a bot

[@SamuelOrjiM]

Honestly, as a cis guy, he doesn't get it. Bell hooks said it best women satisfy their for domination through male bodies. I resisted for years and finally decided that I'll only pursue long-term commitment with a woman who doesn't demand it. But such women are few and far between

[@bdarecords_]

@NotVille_ You are ragebait, indeed. Randomly going to someone and being like "didn't ask", super weird and creepy and then implying that you have watched cp isn't just a self-own. It's a self-report. If we'd live in a perfect world, you would be investigated for these comments.

[@SmolJordan]

the fact that this video doesn't have more views is fucking criminal. incredibly well written and produced

[@SmolJordan]

@@euboy6 i've never used tiktok and i'm 26 but ok

[@SmolJordan]

@@euboy6you're the one starting petty beef in a youtube comment section for literally no reason

[@Mirro18]

"By placing the blame for the perpetuation of sexism solely on men, these women could maintain their own allegiance to patriarchy, their own lust for power. They masked their longing to be dominators by taking on the mantle of victimhood." As a guy, who grew up around a lot of girls, who always had more girl friends than guy friends, who "is not like other guys" (literally said that to my face), that quote kinda hit for me. Because you will run into women like that. You will find these kind of girls that will say very proudly "I hate men" and blame men for everything wrong in the world and so on and so forth. Especially when I came out as bi and had things like "the typical bi girl experience" circle around, where a straight girl jokingly says to another girl "i wish i had the option of not dating guys." as if we are some kind of curse. The rethoric of TERFs that sure, is targeting trans people, but perpetuate and bring back the base assumption that I am some kind of wild animal and not a person with feelings... That one just hurt. So much. Cause it's so fucking true.

[@nmadnick2345]

Yeah. I've been guilty of saying "I hate men". But like, it comes from a place of coping with the helplessness of living in a patriarchal society, not genuine hatred of men as human beings(for me at least). That's not a justification, just an explanation. I just get so exhausted with being viewed as a sexual object, feeling like any public space is not my own, having my feelings downplayed and ignored. Feminists used to say they hate the patriarchy, but by now the word's meaning has been muddied up so much it doesn't have much impact anymore. So we just say men. I recently watched a video essay called "Horror IS femininity" which is really interesting and to me just showcases the horror of being a girl. I empathize with you, but to keep myself safe I have to go off a base assumption that many men are "wild animals" as you say. History has taught us as girls that if we aren't constantly vigilant, we will end up dead.

[@MichelleHell]

You need to learn from older woman. 70% of women initiate divorces. There is a crisis of older men dying alone. Understanding the problems women have with men will help you from seeing yourself as a problem. The main problem women have is that men severely undervalue and take for granted the labor of love that women do. On Ashley Madison, 99.9% of users were men, vast majority married. The reason is their wives don't have the literal time of day when they are raising the children and taking care of the home. Men by and large don't divorce but instead cheat because they would lose the unpaid labor that their wives are doing for them. What you need to do is learn to take care of yourself. This means learning to do your own laundry, cook your own food, clean your own domicile, and if you plan on having kids then plan on changing diapers, plan on cooking food for them, plan on washing their dirty underwear, plan on cleaning the house. If you've leaned these things before getting in a relationship, you won't dump them onto someone who does it because they love you and leaves you because she found out you were entitled to her unpaid labor.

[@dovescry123]

Do you not think sexism is a serious form of oppression or is your victim complex that big? It might be a combination of both. Men ARE the oppressors, men are responsible for sexism whether they realize it or not. The same way all white people can unknowingly perpetuate white supremacy, all men can perpetuate misogyny and patriarchy.

[@tatamigalaxy-i5r]

@@MichelleHell There is not a single guy in his 20s who can't get laid or can't get dates due to not regularly washing his dirty clothes or because they wouldn't change diapers. Obviously this is hyperbolic, but I hate this notion that men are supposedly lonely because they are "sexist" or using women as unpaid labor. Dating is not fair and it REWARDS patriarchal men, it doesn't punish them. Do you know who is single? Men who have an unattractive face, men who are unable to perform traditional masculinity and men who are considered losers. The rest is completely fine. The only reason so many women struggle with these uneven relationship dynamics that you mentioned is because they never looked for guys who have a progressive mindset in this regard in the first place. Sorry, but this is just the truth. If getting laid means doing household labor, then men would step up so fucking quickly.

[@lancewalker2595]

@@nmadnick2345 rar!

[@l.pineda1576]

as a young trans man, still developing his sense of identity and masculinity, this video has opened my eyes to many questions i had about my place in the world and the ways i wish to implement my masculinity. at first i, too, tried to embrace what i thought being a man meant- including these toxic and harmful viewpoints, and it's hard sometimes to let go of them because, as you said, the world is a bit colder when you're on this side of the gender spectrum. it's quite the job to deconstruct and create a new concept of masculinity based on love and mutual support but god, i'll try to uphold these morals as much as i can from now on. as you also mentioned, as trans people we have sort of a heightened sense of this patriarchal system so it's easier to view how destructive and terrible it is for both men and women, and so we should strive to transform it from our own lives and in our own relationships, little by little.

[@lemond2007]

If you don't understand masculinity, even though you claim to be a man... maybe you should stop pretending to be a man.

[@Kirbychu1]

Feels more like an examination of gender roles rather than a look at feminism and its relationship to men and boys. I did find myself very engaged though, so I appreciate the effort that went into this. It does show.

[@minitntman1236]

It has lots of parts being to do with patriarchy. Because at feminism's core is the patriarchy.

[@geminikid]

Patriarchy promises so much shit. Honestly, if I was told that all the power and stuff I was promised is unattainable and hurtful and that all my efforts and suffering were futile I'd also get unbelievably bitter and angry. So it makes sense so many men hold on to patriarchy and defend it so sharply, cause they don't know anything else and they're scared. Sometimes is hard to be empathetic and sympathetic to men because of how much pain patriarchy instills to women and minorities; But as is stated in the video men clearly have and can find the capacity to overcome that feeling of betrayal, fear and entitlement and allow for change. I find a lot a comfort in that idea so I'm gonna hold on to it, yes.

[@principleshipcoleoid8095]

Patriarchy was always about people trying to survive in harsh environment. It delegated responsobilities and enough rights to fullfill those responsobilities. Which is why women got to have their own credit cards for a decade or so before men stopped being held responsible for women's debts in USA. Well it happened because without nessecity societies could impose more arbitrary rules. Maybe in time equality under the law will be a real thing. A man can dream

[@bucherregaldomi9084]

Thank you for holding on to it, men still suck, but many are trying. I know as a single individual I can't change Patriarchy, but I can't opt out of it, or be a bit of a fifth columnist within it, which still feels like not enough. I guess voting and advocating for the most feminist candidates is another good thing.

[@geminikid]

@@principleshipcoleoid8095 I feel like this last two centuries we've focused so much in semantics and on who's right or wrong that we forget that these systems that pretend to gives us comfort and a sense of identity actually just care about profit and about keeping us just satisfied enough and obedient enough so we keep working. Truth is humans are not created equal, we all have different needs and priorities and sentiments and characters and skills and physical capabilities. The only thing the notion of all humans being equal does is make people feel like they're being deprived of things if these are provided for others. Equality is not an actual thing, at least not in the sense that everyone deserves to have the exact same things. To each their own.

[@geminikid]

@@bucherregaldomi9084 Exactly. Being aware, investigating, listening and asking questions is probably the most important thing. I'm guessing it can be kinda hard cause for minorities a lot of the info that we have is lived experience so is pretty intuitive but for cis straight men it's probably a bit hard to compute, not because they're dumb but cause is just a lot to take in?

[@principleshipcoleoid8095]

@@geminikid sorry for being not clear. What I want is that the same actions, or equivalent actions be treaded fairly independent if it's a man or a woman. Ideally even how the accused and accuser look and sound would be ommited untill after the jury do the verdict.. But that might be too difficult to arrange. And yes abuse victims of all sexes need shelters, support ect. It is possible that men need different kind of support, at least on average. I did not mean to advocate for equality of outcome!

[@Hazel_Toyota]

The “longing for domination masked by victimhood” was such a good fucking point and when you expanded on Bells work it was like everything clicked in my brain in the most painful but satisfying way. Like woah human nature is terrifying.

[@Brooklyn99432ofmd]

*bell

[@Paroex]

@@Brooklyn99432ofmdThey probably correctly meant "the work of Bell", and so they meant to write "Bell's" but just forgot the apostrophe.

[@lonk2026]

@@Paroex i'm pretty sure bell hooks writes her name in lowercase

[@jyllianrainbow7371]

The problem with modern feminism is that it completely lacks class consciousness. The overwhelming majority of the backlash the movement gets comes from poor/working class men who feel they are being punched down at by the upper class. Modern feminists don't make it clear that they are talking about the men at the top and not low wage workers living paycheck to paycheck, which is the average man's situation.

[@nodishtoodeep3053]

That’s one problem among a countless many yes.

[@QuinnRiley360]

This made me think. A lot. How dare you.(but really thank you, this was a beautiful piece of work and you made me feel things I never knew needed to be felt. Like the grief I've been holding onto my entire life from childhood about having to abandon my otherwise nonbinary tendencies for masculinity because that's what my family forced on me. I resent many people who've been in my life, but I will never resent them more than society as a whole for perpetually failing to support the people who need help.)

[@Jeebus-un6zz]

On the point of "shaming men out of femininity" I saw a different related video essay recently that said industrialization brought with it the vocabulary of masculinity as opposed to manhood. Prior to this, the opposite of a man was a boy (child). After this, the opposite of a man was a woman. Likewise I want to say that as a masculine cis man I roll my eyes every time people start going on about 'getting in touch with my feminine side.' Yeah, I like theater and music by itself can make me cry sometimes, can we shut up about it? The problem is how people treat us when we step outside the lines of our assigned role, which for all the change the left promotes, leftists still find acceptable, whether it's a guy who has different sexual preferences, the sideyes people give him when he expresses himself too much, or how about the elephant in the room- if you're a guy and you're broke, you're not human in the eyes of society. The idea we need to be protected from the pitfalls of society is mocked because we supposedly have all the power. We don't. An extreme minority of men are powerful. The rest of us are just given a little bit of room to talk shit while society makes use of us.

[@lmcb8447]

​sparingharbor2600 : this video is both about helping men and women under a society ruled by a minority of powerful( mostly) men. He also raised the counteratgument of "p3nis" and "v4gina" are ((a fair counteratgument then he responded to that counterargument))tangible and then debuted male vs female habitus and ""biological"" difference as in gender stereotypes and gender socialazation, he drew a comparison and a singular/some common similarities between the two , he didn't say it was completely equal. You failed and made the rookie mistake of meaning he meant entirely equal when he didn't but rather somewhat similar in certain qualities.

[@espeon871]

The left has issues w that tho thats y theres discussion on toxic masculinity and gender roles borne from our systems, like capitalism, patriarchy etc and how it impacts men, if u want a clarifying answer. Also patriarchy refers to a name for a system and idea like white supremacy eg it doesnt have to do w the people more like idea label.

[@AnarchistEagle]

​@@sparingharbor2600 He didn't blame men, nor did he ever claim that "only helping women would create a healthy society." In fact he straight up talked about how women are capable of reinforcing toxic masculinity. Alex also used the Orion constellation as an example of how things that are real (stars) are still subject to social construction (arbitrary clusters given names). He also didn't equate it to gender. You can pretty easily tell he didn't do this because he spends about 99% of the video talking about gender and less than 1% talking about the Orion constellation.

[@AnarchistEagle]

​@@sparingharbor2600 No one said that women reinforcing toxic masculinity have to be acting masculine when they do so. A mother is just as capable of chastising her son for crying as a father is. She isn't being masculine in that moment, but she is reinforcing toxic masculinity. What's toxic is the masculinity imposed on men. Actually, I think you didn't watch the whole video, because Alex basically says "if you conclude from this video that there's someone to blame for this, then you didn't pay attention." And...gender is a social construct? Don't really get your point here. Gender is assigned. No baby is born saying "I am a woman" or "I am non-binary"; they are taught gender by those around them. Almost like it's...socially...constructed

[@AnarchistEagle]

​@@sparingharbor2600 "All over the world gender labels existed and described the same thing" There plenty of societies that have words and cultural attitudes specifically for non-binary genders. While other societies have to be dragged kicking and screaming into admitting that gender isn't binary. So clearly this isn't true. They haven't all described the same thing. In fact, different cultures have different expectations for people assigned male vs female; gender is hardly universal. Nor is it directly observable. Gender is socially constructed. You cannot touch gender, you cannot hear it, or directly observe it. It is built up from societal expectations. It's easy to imagine a culture where men wear makeup, colorful skirts, shoes with heels, and maintain long hair, while women wear dark pants, flats, and maintain short hair; should people from that culture interact with 1960s police in America, then they would be arrested for cross dressing. Oh wait, that did happen, it was called Stonewall. Your point about the Orion constellation is really missing the point of what Alex said in the video. The stars in the Orion constellation are all really there. The constellation is "real" in the sense that there are actually about 18 stars in that part of the sky. Similarly gender is "real" in that everyone exhibits gendered behavior, has gender markers, and is assigned gender upon entering the world. But these behaviors, markers, and assignments are arbitrary. Just like which stars happen to compose the Orion nebula. The point of all that is to show how even if something is *really there*, the social construct can create undue importance and meaning that is not at all present in the real thing. "Why isn't it just called toxic behavior then?" Because statistically within our society, people assigned male are taught that crying is a negative trait for them specifically to engage in, but not for people assigned female. "This is a real world problem as most leftists believe sex is binary while the gender identity is a spectrum" Most leftists think sex is also a spectrum. Like, the fact that intersex people exist is proof that sex isn't a binary. This is actually a problem in sports where women with androgen insensitivity are banned from their sport after DNA testing because bullshit beliefs like "Sex is binary" are pervasive.

[@idontwantahandlethough]

This is genuinely beautiful man. I'm really glad you made this, I have no doubt it spoke to [at least] someone out there

[@jordanwaskelis4913]

There's times I've wondered if I'm trans. I have quite a few acquaintances who are trans. Despite being a dude I cry a lot. I remember I moved out of my parents house for the first time when I was 28 (really late, I know). I was imbibing a lot of this manosphere stuff and felt like I had to "man up." I noticed my worldview was going from left wing to right wing pretty fast. I watched a lot of Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro, and Steven Crowder videos. I was super transphobic, and was turning homophobic as well. To this day I still have a lot of internalized homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny. I saw effeminate men as less than. Weak. I contemplated joining Proud Boys and had these intrusive thoughts about firebombing the gay bar in town. I knew that if I didn't stop the way I was going, I was going to do something awful.

[@TheAsvarduilProject]

Thank you for choosing to step away from that fear and hate. No matter what great truth about yourself you find, it still means you're human and a person whose life matters. You matter, my neighbor, and some of us want good things for you. May your journey be fruitful and lead to good places.

[@hedge1247]

Oh god, that middle bit really spoke to me. I'm afab, and the constant grieving for the missing things that I loved, 'boy stuff' feels like a punch to the throat every time I remember what I could've had, if I'd had the chance to enjoy what I really loved. And it messes up how you live, forever.

[@eli3762]

It is amazing to see the comments filled with people sharing their trauma and helping each other move on from their hurt and pain in the comments. It is also hilarious and sad to see a lot of people who clearly didn't want to try to listen to what you were actually saying in the first place. But like you said, there's a lot of anger going around. It's a shame.

[@strangerinadarkalley]

I'm a toxic trans guy, I'm afraid. For the longest time, I've been avoiding adressing it because I was convinced that I won't live to see the day I cease the opportunity to really hurt someone, but I hurt and hurt those around me every day. Acknowledging that is the first step, I suppose. It's an uphill battle, but at some point, I hope I learn to find my validity through other means than putting everyone including myself down. I just want to be a better man.

[@lemond2007]

If you want to stop hurting people around you, stop pretending to be a man.

[@saraschu2735]

I think alot of content in media prompts men, cis and trans, to have to adhere to some outside concept of what it means to be "man enough". You can define what being a man is and help the men around you to decide what it looks like to be a man for them. You're starting a long difficult process to becoming a good human, and in this case what it means to be a good man. Remember that growth is uncomfortable because you've never been there before and to cut yourself some slack as we're figuring this shit out our whole lives. My grandparents in their 90s just learned about genders beyond the binary and found themselves. If two very elderly midwestern white folks are still exploring their gender, there's no reason for you to have it all figured it at any given time. Good luck dude! Edit: I want to make sure that I'm not implying you're not sure of your gender. You clearly know that and are correct. I think im getting at like your experience as a man in a world that encourages you to believe that you're not enough. You are enough. Your worth is inherent and no action, mistake, or lack of opportunity can lessen or chip away at your worth as a person. Toxicity is a habit and a familiar thought path in your brain. Reworking that path and choosing a different one is hard. It's a doable task and a worthy one. You have the power to change this in yourself and support others in their work to do so. Rooting for you, random stranger man on the internet!

[@strangerinadarkalley]

@@saraschu2735 hey, thanks. That's probably the most helpful a youtube reply has ever been to me. I am actually not sure if I'm a man. My identity is probably somewhat more nonbinary-leaning rather than being a clear-cut case and that in itself feels kind of terrifying. But either way, I want to be better and I'm trying to work toward that.

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

Sending hugs dude. It ain't easy, but with the support of folks (yeah, even random strangers like myself) rooting for ya, it's going to be manageable. Shit's hard at first, but you're a step closer to get there and acknowledging this and recognising this is one of the first steps🏆

[@IHeartVideoGames08]

@@berrysnowyboy5251I know this may sound "Cringe" or "After school special." but you can control your own destiny. I'm not a trans person (At least I would not say I am) but I was AMAB and ... I very much did not gel with that label. Its not that I was hyper into the feminine ... though that is true as well, I just never felt comfortable with being what a society saw as "A man." I explain all this to simply say, I know what its like to "Not fit in." In more ways than one. Realizing you have toxic behaviors is the first step to changing them. Regardless of what those said behaviors are. You can easily become a better man. And, I hope you find happiness.

[@alexixeno4223]

I had a friend who was raised in a very toxic masculinity family, in high school he decided that he needed to "toughen up" any male friend who was younger or quieter then him the same way his brothers did to him. This came in the form of some very toxic nick names like "pisshead" and "shithead". I do have to say, despite this he IS a great guy and he has apologized about this to me. He has come to understand that it wasn't right but he still can't stop what his family's training as done to him, despite improving a lot.

[@123ili]

Also its time to stop saying that male and female are opposite concepts

[@Sorenzo]

It's funny, hearing these quotes - I used to think my only purpose in life was to have sex, and that I was never really motivated by anything else. Then I turned 20 and tried it and realized it's just not that important. Strange to hear a full-grown adult write a book that states the same view.

[@principleshipcoleoid8095]

13:01 the male infant's cries are ignored more btw. Even when they do in fact cry more than female infants.. Makes you think indeed.

[@mistressofstones]

Yes, male babies are more attention seeking than female babies which may indicate they're more sensitive in some way. It makes it even more tragic.

[@beatblocksgaming]

The end goal of feminism should be equality after all, all genders should have equal rights, women should be able to be masculine and men able to be feminine without judgement and the idea of emotional vulnerability should be removed from gender and be celebrated and explored by all

[@samdal420]

I rarely manage to grasp how deeply this concept of gender is has been buried in the daily life and how much the distinct concept of "how a man or woman should be" has been accidentally shoved down my throat by wellmeaning parents, teachers and peers, since birth and how much it still kinda keeps holding a grasp over me even though I've never felt like either of these, I don't like any of those labels and I don't feel like a man or a woman but like a neutral thing, does that mean im "nonbinary"? That's at least the title I feel more comfortable with than the ones who've been pushed on me as default...

[@eg4441]

you can still call yourself a man or woman. not liking the gender roles and expectations doesn't nullify that at all. and you can use nonbinary if that's what really makes you happier! i went with agender for a time, for my own peace of mind, but really i'm just indifferent to it now. if anything i unironically think arsongender is what i'd use. fuck this shit let's burn it to the ground, you know.

[@lulucool45]

if you like the label, you can use it! congrats on reflecting on what you really want gender-wise

[@maddylovesjokes3913]

@@sparingharbor2600 As much as you're making strong points, you've just made a wild overgeneralization of women. If you truly believe that all women want a masculine-ly socialized man then you are missing the entire point. I was born a woman and I much prefer a man who is "soft" or "sensitive". Women want men who will treat them like people. That is the low bar set for men. On top of that, bad experiences with some men can lead women to pushing for higher standards than just that original low bar. If you're having a hard time with dating women, you either aren't treating them correctly or you aren't in the right place to find that secure love you do want. Someone out there will love you if you respect them how they want to be treated.

[@grumicekkdckec9961]

I know that exact feeling of feeling a part of you die when you “become a man”. I feel like a completely different person, and I just wanted to go back to how I felt before. Eventually, I forgot about how I was before. watching this video made me think back to the thoughts I had back then. I love this video. Keep up the good work. 👍

[@lour8862]

Do you think more trans man should be aware of this?

[@lour8862]

neggawatt @stopsin1

[@ZeroNumerous]

@@lour8862 I mean more men in general should be aware of it. It's not a uniquely transman thing. Why do you think so many men play video games, or are childish in their hobbies? Boys learn very quickly, that becoming a man means slaying that part of you that needs others; or die.

[@lour8862]

​@@ZeroNumerous Yeah true, i have a trans brother that recently said "All my bosses say that i need to do this and that or i wont be a man, no wonder so many man kill themselves". It's so sad, when I was a kid I thought toxic masculinity was bullshit

[@eadbert1935]

As a cis hetero male, i found it refreshing that it was pointed out what fears and expectations come with manhood. But also saying that that isn‘t an excuse. I want people to realize what i did when i was younger was just as wrong as what people/society has done to me.

[@Brooklyn99432ofmd]

Valid 💖💕💕💕🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🎉🏰well done for saying that 💕💖

[@elinatural2058]

This video is truly amazing ! As a trans woman i always found myself drawn to the social questions surrounding masculinities because i gres into the patriarcal social structure with the exectation that i was going to belong to the dominant sexed class. I'm just a bit sad that Raewyn Connels' work on masculinities wasn't used, i really like her framework of analysis !

[@user-0ooO0oO001]

@notville_ Bro, what the hell is going on with you?

[@Suited_Nat]

This hits. Maybe it’s because I’m FTN, but I’ve seen how much toxic masculinity affects people, beyond just men. For me, it was my father, with him saying how crying is a “weakness.” And how that shame still rings even 13 years from that time I was first told as a child. Then cut to the expectations of “a young lady shouldn’t curse, it’s ‘unladylike’.” I never asked to be born with a vagina. I was never asked whether or not I wanted to grow up having big boobs. I was never asked if I wanted to have my period, to be able to have children. I was never asked if I wanted to deal with the trauma that comes with SA. I was never asked as a kid: what do you want you be? It’s surprising how little even parents ask their kids that. Because if my parents did, I probably would be a little less fucked then I am now, having to figure out who I am in the world. How I love women in a way homophobes don’t agree with, and how I see myself as gender neutral, much to the dismay and disgust of transphobes. I remember even as a child, not wanting all the traditional Christian bs of being married to a man and having kids. The idea of that always made me feel gross. Years later, I came to realize why that was. All in all, I wish gender was never a thing in society, because maybe, my queer community, friends and siblings, and myself wouldn’t have to go through the feeling of isolation, pressure to conform to the “norm,” fearing to go to certain countries, states, provinces or prefectures because of bigotry and hate crimes, and the feeling of not being accepted by the very people who created you. So much love to the people who are struggling, hugs to y’all. And just know as a queer person to my fellow community, we got this.

[@Suited_Nat]

I do want to mention: I’m only 12 minutes in, and I’m going to watch the rest of the content, it’s just that the ideas this presented already made me want to talk about my experiences with masculinity, because in my honest opinion, it never doesn’t just affect men.

[@joylox]

I feel somewhat similar. Raised in a very strict Christian home, bordering on cult due to the levels of control one parent in particular wanted to have, and all those Evangelical DVDs about how to dress, and how pop music is evil, and all that. A lot of those ideas seemed to cross gendered social lines in weird ways, like no one was allowed to wear nail polish or heavy makeup regardless of gender (because it was supposedly only for hookers and goths, which just made me feel more gender envy about the goth boy at school rocking black eyeliner), I wasn't allowed to cry, or show any emotion other than being excited about things like birthday parties and holidays. I was taught to value academic and monetary success (which brought me a lot of internal pain as someone with chronic pain who can't manage full time work and only got a degree with the help of prescription meds and lots of therapy), and I was told not to show weakness. I feel like part of this is just how my dad projected his issues. He's one of the men in that stat where he got a diagnosis (a learning disability in his case) and refused to get help. He never learned to manage his own emotions, learn to be open with family, or accept himself for who he is. He distracted himself with buying new tech, or doing big projects, and he had wanted a boy to help him with such things, like gardening and woodworking, which I do enjoy, especially making wooden spoons which I use to cook my homegrown veggies. I haven't told anyone in my family other than partner about my gender dysphoria and dislike of gender roles and expectations or how these things affected me growing up, but I'm glad I'm not alone. I actually found a group of queer Christians online, and some great allies in person that showed me what freedom and real love can be without conditions. But the hatred out there is discouraging at times, especially with such social pressure.

[@cseptember6562]

You cant fail a group you never tried to help lol

[@BenjaminWalburn]

You can, not that it matters since you’re just making up scenarios, rather than looking at reality.

[@cseptember6562]

@@BenjaminWalburn I didnt make up any scenario

[@lillyrichter3383]

How did you graduate college and just turn into a goated video essayist like that? This was amazing, super interesting concepts presented in an entertaining way. Excellent, a e s t h e t i c videography. Good explanations even with definitions for more "simple" concepts e.g. sociology. And you're quoting your sources, which are great as well! Looking forward to future videos and recommending this one to friends. Has helped me undestand society and my habitus a bit more :)

[@lillyrichter3383]

Just scrolled through your upload history, I take it back, you did not just *turn* into a goated video essayist, you worked hard for it. Can't fool me with your understatement ;D

[@Gabriel_Blair]

​@@lillyrichter3383mega based reply

[@ethanotoroculus1060]

When I first came out in private as a trans woman, I fell in with the wrong people. I have childhood trauma that went undiagnosed my entire life. My friend group would constantly invalidate it indirectly, claiming _"men can never understand"_ and emphasizing their own authority to it despite lacking any personal experience with it. I protested this multiple times and it kept happening. I was hurt, I was _hurting,_ but I kept coming back to these people and this group. I was so desperate to feel a sense of belonging and place among other women that I willingly exposed myself to an environment that actively distressed and triggered me. _God,_ if I had just had this video to chew on when I was younger. It feels so clear to me now what I should have done. What I should have said. I know now I can't take back the time I was with those people but it just wasn't worth it at all. I feel so torn apart inside and if I had just sought belonging with people who actually cared about me for my authentic self I wouldn't have to live like this. To anyone still struggling on your journeys please don't give yourself up for approval. I don't want anyone to have to grapple with something like this alone ever again.

[@alliu6562]

There is life and love for you out there, and I hope you are able to find better people (better friends, better support, better love). Many well wishes!

[@ethanotoroculus1060]

@@alliu6562 I am trying to come to that place, slowly. I've been on a hell of a relapse with my mental health for a while now, but although I have few friends at this moment I feel a lot better and safer with them than I did before. That has to count for something. {=>

[@MonaLisa.16]

​@@ethanotoroculus1060 Why are you mad though?. A man will never under the experience of a woman no matter what country she is from whether that is Brazil, America, Iran or Afghanistan you will never understand. White people will never understand the experience of African Americans or Native Americans. Rich people will never understand the experience of poor people and straight people will never understand the experience of lesbians& gays.

[@HiAdrian]

Well said. Knowing that this is a recurring part of the human condition might help digest it. There are millions of great people with unfortunate paths, being born in a dysfunctional society being a common cause. The Middle East comes to mind, having fallen so far below its potential.

[@henazz2561]

Feminism has not failed men because its a movement that seeks to fight ( and end) the oppression of women. To say that feminism has failed men is to imply that feminism ever owed something to men. It didn't. Feminism is for women.💜

[@connorp3030]

True enough, but don't say you care about equality, you're a sociopath who is only able to feel empathy for some people

[@NeverUseAnApostrophe]

Feminism is explicitly about helping men and women.

[@connorp3030]

@@NeverUseAnApostrophe then why does it promote discrimination for male victims of domestic/sexual violence?

[@bulletsandbracelets4140]

@@connorp3030 It doesn't. It promotes the idea that men are socialized into dominance (to their detriment) and that women are socialized into being seen as helpless. It fights both of these ideas. If you think it promotes descrimination then you don't understand feminism or what "fighting the patriarchy" means. Because dismantling the idea that women are always the victim, and always weaker, is explicitly part of that.

[@connorp3030]

@@bulletsandbracelets4140 too bad that feminist orgs do in fact promote discrimination Whether it's Mary p koss (current CDC feminist expert on sexual violence) promoting the idea that female on male sexual violence is a lesser crime then the reverse, and being instrumental in setting the sentencing guideline that a woman convicted of forcing a 13 year old or older having sex without their consent getting only 1 year in prison (or none), or refuge (largest domestic violence organisation) setting up a hotline for male abuse victims where they extensively question the validity of the callers story or whether the abuse they received was there fault before providing support (only government funded form of help for male victims btw, thanks to the national organisation for women), people like you will always make excuses about how real feminism isn't like that, while doing nothing to stop it

[@AraumC]

26:25 What are you trying to say here? Given that Foucault is a highly respected philosophical thinker that published these ideas a mere 50 years ago, trying to dismiss it as just some limited early modern construct seems disingenuous. The concept that the body "carries and controls our consciousness," as you put it, comes from the idea that a consciousness is not separate from our brains. The mind-body problem is a continuous debate, but modern and postmodern ideas trend towards thinking of the mind as purely the projection of a brain's process and not it's own separate entity, essentially refuting the concept of a soul. And since the brain is just a body part, it follows that the body carries and controls our consciousness, because our body IS our consciousness. To frame that as being gender essentialist and as some outdated construct instead of part of the position you espouse seems *weird* to me. So, since this makes no sense to me, I'll ask again--what are you trying to say? What didn't get across to me here?

[@ray_oc6170]

casual homophobia implies the existence of ranked homphobia

[@Brooklyn99432ofmd]

Yes!

[@Brooklyn99432ofmd]

There is ranked homophobia! Have you heard of the government! Don’t listen to this Andrew Tate Stan! 😁💕💕😁😘👍🏻🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈😁🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

[@hasanathasan4651]

physics researcher here, at 24:50 you meant to say 0.0035% of the electromagnetic spectrum. We can see 100% of the visible spectrum of electromagnetic waves (note some people cannot due to eyesight) because the visible spectrum is defined to be the set of wavelengths that humans can see. Great video and apologies for the nerd emoji moment !!

[@Molegul]

Incredibly well researched, structured, and produced video. Some of the topics discussed here have been "voiced" or mentioned during my studies of Psychology, so it was very interesting to hear about it from the aspect of sociology. Extremely good video.

[@walkingonsunshine1571]

fantastic video as always, Alex! I especially enjoyed the artistic direction this time around. Great musical cues too. Go pat yourself on the back, man!

[@houdini6928]

I personally think that it's better to interact with the world from a "human to human" lens rather than a gendered lens. It's humbling in a way. As long as we can agree that individuals are accountable for their own deeds and that they don't necessarily represent a group in which they happen to fall into(whether it's "good" or "bad"), it's fine by me [Great video btw I want to hear all the perspectives to have a nuance opinion on things and this type of content is perfect,bless your heart ]

[@Brooklyn99432ofmd]

Are you straight? Do you love Andrew Tate? Human to human, “we don’t live in a gendered world”? Hello? Peace and love! 💖💕💕💖

[@Brooklyn99432ofmd]

No offence 😉😘😜

[@houdini6928]

@@Brooklyn99432ofmd none taken,I do not think that way of life fit my lifestyle but I know for a fact that for some people it is their savings grace. It's just ain't mine but it doesn't mean that I don't respect one's humanity

[@ungchungkheang5348]

As domeone who identifies as a guy. This video made me feel so vulnerable, uncomfortable even, because it really just puts into words me literal life experiences and all the things I've seen and felt.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Yes to new video essay! Also, the Kens should watch this.

[@Brooklyn99432ofmd]

Literally!