Disney Geneticists Debut New Child Stars

[@BIGGSHAUN]

I can’t imagine the ideas that actually get rejected by The Onion

[@danilmanison935]

They probably reject anything that's too sane.

[@adampower9757]

maybe extremely racist or anti Semitic ones

[@xephyre6955]

Anything normal is rejected.

[@SPACEDOUT19]

@adam power: thats a shame if its true

[@SPACEDOUT19]

@adam power: the onion was actually good before, they made fun of jews - kzbin.info/www/bejne/h2WzdGuCqtacrdU

[@reine5372]

“Stars have a 5-10 year relevance expectancy” I AM DYING

[@kos2919]

Except for Miley Cyrus, she's an anomaly, freak of genetic nature

[@kos2919]

@leafshaymin the problem is she's trying to be sexy when in fact her body looks like a two by four plank

[@Lameashellcosplay]

Dying like their careers

[@eb4676]

@@kos2919 no she is not you pathetic bitch.

[@cathy4697]

@confused af Zendaya is also an anomaly.

[@andrewesty]

"i can hardly watch, all i see is my mistakes" hahahaha

[@carbine090909]

@@jake7307 Sure he wasn't looking at you?

[@syahidkacak]

It's 666 now Just saying

[@westernyay1701]

Smash 456 I saw you sleeping

[@Nergal_Slayer]

When I look in the mirror

[@Mugruncher]

Every man sees their mistakes when they look at Zac Efron 😆 🍕 🍺

[@kualarompin589]

"Finding her in reality will be impossible'' LMAO

[@EinFelsbrocken]

I see noone of Indian-Japanese-descent complaining...so its prob true :D

[@Mar.1634]

@@EinFelsbrocken they're probably like unicorns.

[@PeterParker-yg6fc]

my six years in tokyo i met one only

[@lucielafai]

I actually saw quiet a lot of Indians in Japan during my visit there. Not sure about half Japanese though

[@immortalsun]

@@PeterParker-yg6fc Did she sing and snowboard, though? Yeah, didn’t think so.

[@bravetherainbow]

lost it at "as a result, Zac's skin will soon begin to dissolve"

[@rock3tcatU233]

After which he will be ground down to a pink slurry and sold to the McDonald's Corporation.

[@LostHero1]

he lasted longer then they thought

[@jjba3571]

This is terrifing, cuz now zack efron was trending on twitter because of his terrible botox job, and i think well.... this kind of matches hahahaha

[@gurusik]

@@jjba3571 yes! Now it makes sense...

[@Squidlark]

They were spot on with that prediction. Have you seen his face lately?

[@burtonl7239]

A certain dead look in his eyes.... Ten years later stars as Ted Bundy.

[@LRGDuran]

@King White Knight humans are morbidly obsessed with death. Apart from sex, death sells pretty well. Plus being lazy and recycling ideas.

[@deathgorilla782]

@@LRGDuran what about love?

[@LRGDuran]

@@deathgorilla782 Thats another story….

[@huskiehuskerson5300]

@@LRGDuran human are obsessed with death but of others

[@itskay6435]

I REMEMBER WATCHING THIS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER AND I DEADASS BELIEVED IT AND TOLD PEOPLE IN MY CLASS IT WAS REAL I WAS TERRIFIED YO WTF

[@Bleagle]

What I get from this, is that you weren't the brightest bulb back then?

[@yehoshuasmith5608]

Aww that's adorable :)

[@jtheman4678]

its kay ha idiot.

[@jtheman4678]

its kay just messing around lol

[@QuartzIsAnOxide]

It's ok. When I was a kid I told my classmates there was a university named after Harry Potter's wizard school. My dumb brain did not know how to spell Harvard.

[@Youboob99]

"Future Models May Be Capable Of Nuance, Subtlety" HAAAAHAHAHHAHAAH

[@userequaltoNull]

Yeah, right.

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

I wonder if that will ever happen?

[@elderscrolls69420]

Poor Zach Effron!

[@Sundaeys]

how did you butcher the name "Zac Efron" that badly

[@slendertt8614]

@@Sundaeysall he did was add 2 letters 💀

[@jerrym1690]

my favorite thing about watching the onion's videos is reading all the comments

[@1503nemanja]

I don't know, half of them are idiots pretending that they thought it was real news and the other half are idiots who pretend they think the first batch of idiots is for real and are spazzing out about it.

[@noahsno6503]

1503nemanja i say most of them are 7yr old kids who have no clue what they are talking about.

[@davemarx7856]

And coming back almoat a decade later to see what they got "so true".

[@Z26E5H7]

@@1503nemanja That's because of Poe's Law, you can never tell when someone is being serious or not with text.

[@chrisbeauchamp6612]

Shut up Meg

[@haakonasp900]

umm yah i was drunk when i worked on miley cyrus

[@gardenofroses197]

Oh God! What have I done?!

[@srbrant5391]

Would explain her compound eyes.

[@salj.5459]

SR Brant What?

[@soulsunshine108]

@Carralié Alice Whitewood Not drunk, scientists like them get access to all the fun chemicals that haven't even been released to America's intercity neighborhoods yet.

[@gezzapk]

I think a virus got into that model

[@michellegodwin6567]

I'm waiting for this video to be taken down because Disney doesn't want the truth about where they get their child stars coming out.

[@soulsunshine108]

"Poor Zach Efron." No, poor Disney. Think of the revenue loss they are going to have to deal with when his skin dissolves. He still had a good five more years of cameo appearances as the cool older brother on various television series.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

I think you're a Sith.

[@d73w80]

@@thereisnosanctuary6184 I didn't know OP was the Senate

[@tedjones5027]

Have you seen his face lately?! This definitely didn’t age well haha

[@snuckumsgm]

They would just create another one simple

[@racingcarsmedia]

lol this is great, but the comments here really put the icing on the cake ;p Also, there is a minor element of truth to this... in that they really do mold these stars from a really young age and basically prepare them to be stars. Most of these stories are like that- like an onion there are many layers to it.

[@WingsTM]

I see what you did there

[@jasonbourne6365]

sightinsight Not this kind. More truth.

[@dominicgunderson]

Not just that but they really do have the same exact types of characters with the same brand of humour across all of their shows.

[@TimothyMischka]

@@dominicgunderson And Nickelodeon, not to be outdone, opened their own genetics lab in the early 2000s. Theirs has seen some trouble following the ouster of the lab's head over harassment allegations; furthermore, given the general turmoil at Viacom within the last few years and their re-merger with CBS, they may end up being consolidated into CBS' sitcom genetics branch.

[@Travybear1989]

This could be real for all we know, it's 2022 after all and if the last couple of years taught me anything it's that reality is stranger than fiction.

[@LoHipHopMedia]

They have to tell us the truth in plain site

[@ruddmendoza2378]

This is more real than you want to know.. but it just not stars, everyone on this planet is genetically modified.. I mean everyone eats GMO foods, and guess what that does to your body?

[@sameenergy9414]

Yep. More than likely real. They're mocking us.

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

I was wondering where you guys were hanging out

[@lindagoytil4160]

I guess you should now learn that all movies are actually true. What we accept, they'll make more of

[@NicoSchuth]

Something went wrong with project MC-29384 Miley Cyrus is going crazy!

[@ajallen9674]

She came from the same batch as Zach Efron. Her skin will be dissolving soon.

[@gardenofroses197]

Amelia Allen Is that why her butt looks so weird?

[@ajallen9674]

Probably. :(

[@MiniM69]

This comment is as real in August 2019 as it was five years ago.

[@lordofthecats6397]

The videos themselves only become realer by the day

[@BlackNerdComedy]

So true! It's so true!

[@mrcommunity992]

Very true

[@sameenergy9414]

@@mrcommunity992 damn

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

@@sameenergy9414 yeah I also just checked....goddamn indeed lol

[@sabastian4858]

A good way to keep something secret is to release it to the public domain as a conspiracy theory.

[@curlyboii98]

Not even as a conspiracy theory, to keep something a secret yet exploit it , put it right in the people’s face. Look up Streisand effect

[@HighVybeTribe]

Bingo

[@HighVybeTribe]

@@curlyboii98 cognitive dissonance

[@thatmerchgirl]

Exactly. Desensitize the people so that when that shit actually gets released the people think it is a joke. And this whole video is NO JOKE. Only difference is they do the cloning in area 52 in the tunnels

[@intrusiveminecraft]

exactly

[@planetary109]

I don't see why everyone is picking on Miley Cyrus, she's just like all the other Disney stars, she's just more open about her trashiness. You wouldn't believe what goes in behind the curtains of the genetics lab.

[@nkyouax6128]

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[@inverted_paradox4170]

Got us at the first half not going to lie

[@srbrant5391]

They could be splicing her as we speak!

[@parrotshootist3004]

@@srbrant5391 ..splicing.. is that the word for that these days..

[@srbrant5391]

Parrotshootist Recycling collapsed genes into new specimens after Cyrus-4166-Alpha melted into puce-colored biomatter onstage?

[@primerdecima9357]

150 years in the future: This aged well

[@PBLightning145]

Ok

[@mistertitanic33]

this is how logan paul was made

[@222sundae]

mistertitanic33 wait he was in disney i thought that was hos brother

[@srbrant5391]

He overcame many life obstacles though, most notably escaping from the waxy, keratinous shell that encased him.

[@lordofthecats6397]

The only reason he survived outside the lab was because he mutated to feed on dead bodies and fibers in things such as rope.

[@khyati7733]

He is a mistake

[@atomic5134]

@@lordofthecats6397 Which is why he went to that forest... It all makes sense now!

[@JayDonagh]

2:09 "If you look closely you'll notice a certain deadness in the eyes". Well that explains why he went on to play Ted Bundy

[@srbrant5391]

Who else remembers the teenage sweetheart that was Proto-Bieber-4521A from Batch 1102? With his summer smash hit, "Kill me kill me kill me oh god it hurts where is god there is only emptiness beyond kill me." His heartfelt gurgles and staccato shrieking really drove pre-teens everywhere wild!

[@Astrolionking]

It’s funny how ppl say “THIS IS REAL” but don’t realize the joke is “companies exploit child stars and don’t treat them like human beings”

[@GSBarlev]

Your avi elevates this statement to perfection

[@yeet1066]

Yeah if you heard the shit that went on on the set of victorious

[@nothlithawk777]

I love how they point out Zac as one of the first models, given how HSM was the beginning of the end for seeing relatively relatable kids on the Disney channel. There's a vein truth in every Onion parody.

[@Fern0422]

Are those potatoes in a bowl behind Jim? 0:17

[@thesye1014]

Nah I think it's the wicker balls or whatever

[@josieann5031]

They sure look like potatoes to me.

[@pattyc9048]

As we know behind EVERY joke there’s always some truth 😳

[@dharmallars]

It’s called nuance babe. You think this was genuinely the product of a whistleblower within Disney admitting to operating a westworld type facility? Google Occam’s razor

[@nooneno100]

The best way hide something is in plain sight

[@marinachoban2607]

No, behind every joke is a sliver of joke (the rest is truth) A Russian saying В каждой шутки есть доля шутки

[@PBLightning145]

​@@dharmallars🐑

[@BlackJoker-w5t]

@@nooneno100yep

[@billyweed835]

I like how Zac Efron actually turned out to be a legit good actor, and has had, by far, the most fruitful career of any of his HSM co-starts.

[@TragoudistrosMPH]

I take full credit for the Crispr update applied to him. He signed my copy of Bay Watch!

[@snowfloofcathug]

I think she did great in Tick Tick Boom

[@kingburtonhd3396]

That's because he left the Disney scene and gave us the Neighbors lol

[@jakepullman4914]

Who's Zac Efron?

[@Himbrownboy]

😮

[@RobinSwede]

press f for Zack Efron

[@mark12strang58]

Nickoledon must be their customer too.

[@srbrant5391]

They need to interview Dan Schneider's hunchbacked lab assistant.

[@MiniM69]

Who?

[@penske_material]

I don't think Disney shares

[@sephrinx4958]

They say this ironically but we all know it's true.

[@dvdjkaufmn]

"Actually i think we could've done a better job with Zach" hahahahahaha

[@scriptgirl]

I used to work for Disney marketing! This is far closer to the truth than you know! Well done! Hilarity ensues...

[@sameenergy9414]

Wow 😳

[@debrashawcross170]

comedy is a way they tell us the truth #OutInPlainSight

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

Lmao

[@bubbsterr4967]

Ah yes, because Disney is DEFINITELY using genetic technology to create human beings, and the Onion is in on it

[@dharmallars]

Better tell all of your friends who have had kids through in-vitro that you think their children are demon spawn! They’ll love that and they’ll for sure keep buying into whatever pyramid scheme I’m sure funds your constant internet access and posts on qanon forums.

[@EarthAngel888-v5s]

Exactly

[@EarthAngel888-v5s]

​@bubbsterr4967 hybrids, clones, yes not real humans.yes, They're all connected. All in on it.

[@thetruthdotcom100]

They put the facts in your face so you can mock it and not take it serious

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

Lmao

[@PBLightning145]

Ok

[@HeadCannon19]

"Stars are assigned one of 5 personalities" The captions on the bottom of Onion videos are always amazing

[@blank468]

Haha "poor Zack Efron!"

[@olavihekandjo2928]

That just pushed me over the edge.

[@FantasticBassaam]

Now I understand why Zac Efron did surgery on his face

[@Youcantearnit]

I'm a half Japanese half (Asian) Indian. I can sing well enough to make Honor Choir, and my dancing skills aren't bad. Give me a month to learn it, and I could skateboard. What the hell do they mean, "Finding her in real life would be impossible"?!? Lol, I love the Onion. :)

[@someguy8139]

this is how they secretly tell you what's really going on ;)

[@theaccommodated4567]

Yes by gaslighting us

[@danstewart2770]

These two are just great, so talented and perfect together--both nail their part every time. Today Now should be a weekly, 30-min installment.

[@paranoid5881]

I laughed and thought this was fake in 2009 when I saw this, but now...I know its the truth!

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

Was hoping you’d say the opposite lol

[@DS-fv4rx]

Ah, the simple days before the South Korean K-pop labs upped the ante

[@michaelpalin8953]

So, did they sell their technology to K-pop or did the Koreans reach that level by themselves?

[@zapkvr]

The Koreans always do America better than Americans. Baseball, basketball, jazz. They got it all. And they never get invited to the world series. It's a crime

[@TaeSunWoo]

Koreans figured it out themselves …not that I would know or anything

[@drstone3431]

1:53 "It's hard for me to watch coz all I see is my mistakes" this line killed me🤣

[@mitlandson167]

i put these on my tv every morn, as to screw with my parants. it's a gay ol' time!

[@penguinsrockrgr8yt216]

I can’t believe they let those Paul creatures loose

[@TheVibes101]

"Stars are assigned one of five personalities." 💀

[@Tflexxx02]

The Onion must have been reading (or re-reading) Aldous Huxley's *Brave New World*. This is right out of that book...with a fun touch of Disney's "Tomorrowland".

[@erm492]

This is what I thought of 😭😭

[@yodanielcarter]

I laughed so hard at "It's hard for me to watch cuz all I see is my mistakes.." "POOR ZAC EFFRON!!" hahaha this is one of the best yet!

[@gingersnap5961]

2:05 “if you get up close you can see the deadness around his eyes” I’m screaming 😂

[@ladyalicent705]

Sometimes the best place to hide something is in plain sight - A wise man

[@PBLightning145]

No

[@danielbaxter107]

13 years ago and almost no one knows about this?

[@verderriscursey]

Truth in satire, marketing geniuses

[@lavendergilly5843]

I need satire or I get too serious and slowly become someone who believes it's serious. Keep them coming, please.

[@thinkingofHim.]

Laura Gilbert to wear or not to wear my tinfoil hat, I know what you mean

[@verderriscursey]

That's the point of shit like this. Cloning is real and you can order your baby with the features you want

[@nickmckeehan6428]

this is not a joke...

[@samuelh.9956]

The TRUTH.

[@jamshedfbc]

Stars have 5-10 years relevance expectancy. Onion writers are among the best.

[@janetduncan87]

Ppl are saying this is satire. Have you ever seen any of these kids parents?

[@deathbyathousandcats]

Something happened to my dear Zac's jaw, an accident; maybe he is starting to dissolve?

[@majortom5045]

There are really bits of truths in here guys, and many of these are based on reality

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

I mean they definitely mold kids from an early age and exploit many of them for income, Sure

[@STVYT]

"We design their brains for advanced singing capabilities..." Sure as hell does NOT work whatever you're doing!

[@w0rmg0rl]

The worst thing is that watching this, I felt more reassured than when I think of them as people.

[@faruksho9684]

They were literally ahead of us.

[@redacted6982]

This is how TikTokers are made.

[@lazyhomebody1356]

I hope the scientists aren't wasting much money on the tiktokker kids

[@louschwick7301]

@@lazyhomebody1356 they arent, dont u worry ur pretty little head about that. U can very easily tell that the tiktok batch is a bit of a rush job. Thats why they all look and sound the same, and why their skillset is so much more limited compared to the disney batches

[@lazyhomebody1356]

@@louschwick7301 Are Disney responsible for those kids who show other people's memes by reading them aloud with their heads in the way?

[@mhey112]

They're the rejects

[@Marta1Buck]

I can imagine a parallel universe where onion is the number one news source

[@penske_material]

GTA

[@hamiltonjsh]

"and as a result Zack's skin will soon begin to dissolve." HAHAHAHA

[@Purpleturtlehurtler]

Zach Efron couldn't handle the truth of his origin.

[@sillygoose9791]

So that's why the poor boy got plastic surgery, his skin was falling off. Thank you Onion

[@RichoRosai]

This is the answer to all those people always asking in the comments why the Onion has better child actors than Hollywood.

[@ingenious138]

The Onion is ingenious. I love how their aim is to mock something, but they do it so professionally. When I saw my first onion video, I had to look at it more than once to confirm that it wasn't real.

[@ian_b]

I want to marry Tracy Gill.

[@angryzombie8088]

14 years forward, Zac Efron's skin doesnt seem to dissolve yet, the geneticist are doing a great job on the maintenance & repair.

[@Clyde0000]

2:12 is onion with a time machine looking at their future videos.

[@girllady6939]

It's happening! Zac is dissolving!

[@justas423]

Since when did the Onion start doing factual news.

[@lettyletty5218]

I believe it 💯💯 they always put the truth in plain sight

[@schattentaenzerin]

0:27 Clever move to order two of the same model and make a show about twins. That saved Disney a ton of money!

[@MisoWinning]

So you knew bro

[@wx7fm]

This could easily be a scifi alternate future horror story with a valuable lesson

[@kaior1]

ill write it

[@lampyrisnoctiluca9904]

5 personalities? Wow! I thought there was only one!

[@KingfisherLtd]

Potatoes behind the host are a great touch.

[@mosestheleader25]

basically the K-pop industry

[@ParzivalTheThird]

At least these models have variety

[@WingsTM]

"Future Models may be capable of Nuance, Subtlety" - ouch!

[@keeptaiwanfree]

best line hands down: “i’m sorry it’s hard for me to watch because all i see is all my mistakes”

[@cumbrap]

@shoi1012 You deserve a prize for that.

[@videoarchive3166]

Go away

[@samstevens2945]

@@videoarchive3166 you realize this is a nine year old comment, and that it’s a result of the old comment system, right?

[@carlwheezerofsouls3273]

Damn, thats an ancient furry right there.

[@kimgkomg]

Okay

[@voidofspaceandtime4684]

@@videoarchive3166 Go away

[@blackqweenmars]

My favorite thing about these videos is looking through the most recent comments and seeing all the people who ate the onion💀

[@fishychips08]

Same, I laugh and then I am convinced humanity is doomed

[@himintheflesh3877]

This is real

[@cheekypop]

lmao zac efron turned out to be true

[@mkechandler5776]

This hits different now that its been a year since Zac Efron's skin dissolved 😔

[@clodolcmidnights837]

Oh no, they’re onto us, haha! -mickey, probably

[@anexisruiz6013]

When I saw this as a kid I almost cried

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

There is a deadness around the eyes

[@janmeshmathur7859]

2:20 ooh that's why zach did that facial surgery

[@Juel92]

Man they even predicted old Zac. Is there anything the onion can't predict?

[@lauriteder676]

It strangely makes sense that Disney would have a genetics lab.

[@heidiheidi4662]

Hide in plain site by making jokes......well played, Disney........

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

Lmao

[@ClappingWalrus]

"Its hard for me to watch because all I can see are my mistakes." This had me on the floor!

[@sinnottboy]

I actually thought this was real when I saw this >10 years ago when I was like 11 years old.

[@grayolsen8769]

I sure do wonder if people mistake this for a real interview like they often do with other Onion videos..........

[@thelostredcoat4844]

if heaven was just a movie cinema of your life played back to you "its hard for me to watch all i see is my mistakes"

[@moistnugget4147]

This makes review my entire childhood