Divorce: It's Not About You | Jillian Wells | TEDxGreenville

Divorce hurts and it's especially difficult and painful when children are involved, Jillian knows first-hand.
It's nearly unheard-of for a divorced couple to have a good relationship, let alone be "friends" and maintain the sense of "family" for their children. When you focus on the kids and what's best for them, putting your own feelings/hurts/emotions aside (which is NOT easy), the innocent children you brought into this world benefit, and you just might too. Jillian Wells came to Greenville in 2002 to continue her career in television news on FOX Carolina as a Meteorologist/News Reporter. Although born and raised in the Cleveland, OH area, she fell in love with Greenville and built her family and career here over the last 17 years.
Prior to her job with her husband’s company, Jillian filled various roles including: Meteorologist/News Reporter for FOX Carolina and fill-in Meteorologist with WYFF4, Senior Sales Representative for JanPak Supplies, Director of the Imagine Center Fitness club and the toughest job yet as a Stay-at-Home Mom.
Jillian is honored to share her story and experience as a divorcee in hopes that others going through the same thing can be empowered to put their feelings aside and focus on the children first. In her spare time, Jillian loves playing with her boys, traveling, being outdoors, working out and dancing. with their exes and are living the best version of divorce. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@aerodylluk2543]

I'm in a bitter mood today, so take this with a pinch of salt. But so many of the Ted Talks I have seen essentially come from a moderately wealthy middle class person telling me how they overcame hurdles in life. Life is much easier to tackle when you come from a position of financial stability. All I hear from this talk is how she got divorced, had to deal with the inconvenience of separating assets and co parenting. But other than the separation itself, her and her ex seem to be on the same page as far as the kids go, and she more or less describes the whole divorce as a list of inconveniences. I mean where is the real hurdle? She had money at the start of this, she will get money as she is the mother of the kids, most likely got custody and therefore she will get the house and her ex will pay to support the kids. She even works for her ex so her job isn't even at risk while she deals with the drama of this traumatic event, because he is highly unlikely to put the livelihoods of his kids at risk by taking away their mothers source of income. Not to deny how horrible this experience was for her, but it seems like she had it on easy mode with the biggest issue being swallowing her pride for the sake of her kids and to keep her job. I would love to hear stories like these from those who hit rock bottom and got back up. That is the kind of motivation I need right now.

[@africanqueen9152]

Mmmhh....I hear u..

[@alexrcanez]

I totally agree, even in a bitter mood. Let's stick to the facts: what about those where laws do not support men and support the unfaithful, irresponsible spouses? What about those places where culture and beliefs pummel you to stay in a relationship where you need to abide by betrayal and tradition?

[@maricruztorreslopez1314]

I agree, i am now separated from an abusive husband 9 years of marriage, were i was a mere tool, years of mental abuse because of financial situation and a lot of manipulation I, untill now find a little peace i live now out his home, but I still have to keep quiet and obey when he comand me . I am complitly traumaticed, allone in a contry that is not my, scared and without money, job or help to care for my kid wile I look for a job. Divorce, Its not about you? lady it sounds like you just had to worry for making a new rutine.

[@woopiemiddleman8232]

And she had to show off her new happy relationship, man, most of us can’t find perfect love this FAST!

[@tracigodfrey4965]

EXACTLY...............

[@janinepettit2019]

Can’t get this time back. She said two things over and over. Kids first and make a choice to put them first. What information would be good is how to overcome the inclination to rage at an ex who abandoned his vows, family, responsibilities. She said they made the choice together to put the kids first. Why didn’t her ex apply that to his marriage recovery work? That would have been putting the kids first. That was the choice.

[@shaundeverson2163]

Maybe he did put the time into the marriage, but to no avail. For some, like me, escaping a loveless marriage is actually a decision for the kids. Do you think it's okay and healthy for all concerned to stay in a loveless marriage? Your words around abandonment also don't help - this is the type of language that forges anti-parent sentiment and eventual parental alienation.

[@stephaniefythm]

I went through a lot of financial crisis during my divorce, I had to raise my two kids alone, Currently I'm living smart and frugal with my money. Bought my second house already. Saving and investing lifestyle made it possible for me; even till now I earn monthly through passive income. I'm planning on retiring when my kids finish college.

[@eadad4371]

I'm a single dad. Not quite long I started investing. I'm very curious and need help on how to enhance and increase my returns. Any good investment tips would be appreciated

[@stephaniefythm]

@@eadad4371 Generally, investing requires higher knowledge. For this reason, It's important to have a solid support structure (financial consultant) to guide you through especially in asset picking. I operate with (Regina Louise Collaro) an investment advisor who partners with a licensed wealth management firm. For the record, the experience has been the best for my finance.She is quite popular for her services so you might have heard of her. She made me financially stable investing through her help, now I earn on a monthly basis through her passive income strategy... So I’ll advise you do get a good Investment advisor for yourself.

[@eadad4371]

@@stephaniefythm That’s great , your investment advisor must be really good,I have seen testimonies of people using the help of investment advisors in making them more financial stable. Do you mind sharing more info on this person?

[@stephaniefythm]

@@eadad4371 look her up on the internet and leave her a message she's quite popular for her services as she was recently featured on cnn. She can work with anyone irrespective of where their located

[@emeldcentor1474]

@@stephaniefythm Just got out my marriage, I have had intentions of starting investing. But I always thought it was late and I think I need to stop procrastinating. I will definitely 🔍 Regina Louise Collaro and see what she can advise .Thanks a lot . This was of so much help to me .

[@JuliaSt979]

Basically, afternoon divorce behave with each other as you should have DURING the marriage: respect each other, team work, focus on your kids not on your differences or grudges against each other.

[@CLCinflorida]

Bottom line, it's a Broken Home and Broken Family, DIVORCE DESTROYS...

[@intimatespearfisher]

Little over dramatic. The only real bad part is when you ex make settlement difficult because the ate resentful

[@CLCinflorida]

@intimatespearfisher Not even close, it destroys families, THEY ARE BROKEN, screw the Settlement, the Kids are more important than the damned money.... How pathetic...

[@bonnie14355]

​@CLCinflorida when a man puts his hands around her neck, then it's straight time to go get a divorce.

[@yoelfarkas442]

I agree with much of the sentiment, but the reality is that in her circumstances BOTH made a decision to put the kids first. I will not speak about my personal divorce here (though I do in many other forums) but will say that in many instances, one of the ex spouses is not willing to put the children first (even if he/she thinks that he/she is). This makes things extremely complex and challenging. Point being that yes it is a good attitude to put the kids first, but this isn't anything new, and I would suggest almost every divorcing couple will claim they put the kids first. What happens in actuality is unfortunately quite different. Overall, I do agree that one should be as civil as possible despite the hardship, and hopefully the other side will come around, but if not, the key is to accept the situation and be the best parent one can be regardless of how the other parent/ex spouse behaves because not every person will be as fortunate as her to have an equal partner in putting the children first regardless of one's own decision to do so.

[@dannybbless]

Yoel, I couldn’t agree with you more. What if the other person is not willing and will even go as far as paying his/her attorney to fight you to the last even though you have told them several times that your main focus is about the kids and not what the two of you got going on?

[@stevenrogersfineart4224]

Except in extreme cases of abuse, there is no reason to put a child through the LIFETIME of pain that a divorce causes. Blended families are a joke and the majority of men are not going to treat someone else's kid like their own. And the majority of woman are going to prioritize their new mans needs over her child's. Especially if they were the type of people to put their kids through divorce in the first place. They are most likely selfish people that don't know how to work things out or put others needs above their own :(

[@kellyamodeo214]

This video comes off a very flippant to reality of most peoples divorce or many peoples divorce. A lot of people actually do extremely well and have healthier better relationships by moving on with their life and not sharing holidays with their ex. You can be a great coparent and not hang out with your ex if you don’t want to.

[@syedachishty9055]

Loved every word of her

[@CT-od5dl]

It wasn't until I went to university and started reading the studies I realised how truly damaging divorce is for kids. Every credible study. It's amazing how we've happy talked it and reframed it to be about the couple's sentimental sense of love and attachment. When in fact, it is about the cohesive family unit.

[@africanqueen9152]

Thx for the inspiration

[@meghnapradhan8469]

This helped me..thank you

[@anxietyrecoverycom]

My parents have not yet reconciled nor attempted a "co praent" approach. They have only been in the same room together once when I was 23 for my birthday and its been 20 years now. Its unthinkable to me they would ever be to in the same room during the holidays again since I was 10 and I'm 31 now. What you shared opens me eyes to thr deeper truth of how bad it really was for my family's experience including my own.

[@holacomoestas_imERICA.520]

It's definitely about the kids. & protecting the children. Can't co-parent if the kids aren't top priority and are always being sold out. You get what you give in life & you can't fully respect someone who can't respect themselves.

[@karenhanke4165]

I 100% agree that two parents should not involve children in divorce and should be able to mutually co-parent together in a respectful manner. However, I'm unsure if this speaker has been deeply emotionally and financially impacted by High Conflict Divorce. I question her knowledge surrounding Post Separation Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, and Coercive Control all contributing factors to Physical and Non-Physical (e.g., emotional) Domestic Abuse. When the 'safe' parent is relentlessly faced with countless counter-parenting patterns of behavior by the other parent who is intentionally and methodically hostile, it's incredibly difficult for the children. Adverse Childhood Experiences it's impact is important during High Conflict Divorces.

[@MS-ns4ki]

I can't respect a lady who divorced, knowing they would be OK financially. I need to hear the stories of those left for dead.

[@ZFern9390]

For real! She is making me sick

[@gloriahorvath3778]

What about having teenage kids who can speak! He is sabotaging me and my kid’s relationship. Look up narcissist. He will ruin the kids to hurt me. I’m living it!

[@4ND1Y3P35]

This is not a rule. I did not want a divorce, I did not ask for it, I asked for help but it did not stop her selfishness and stubbornness. I will never share the same space with her besides a text message here and there to organise the kids schedules and when I can see them. She took them away from me and did not let me see them as much as i want. i raised them specially during the pandemic and took care of them, the house while working from home but all that mattered was her career and talking to her high school "friend" who coincidentally appeared in the middle of our separation. A lazy good-for-nothing blogger. This is on her even if she threw all the blame on me. I moved to this country for her and she did not even think I had no family nor friends and her mother complained I did not reply to her idiotic Christmas message, when they never once sent a message to ask how I was doing?!

[@Naan795]

This is a parenting advice after divorce. It is a decision of 2 but also almost most of the marriages can be saved, starting with 1 of you, and your children will thank you for working and transforming your marriage, forever.

[@marlenabea9733]

No! My parents divorced way too late, even though they’re marriage made them miserable. The only thing that matters to children is to have mentally stable and happy parents.

[@stevenrogersfineart4224]

Amen. Aside from abuse, there aren't any good reasons for divorce. It's selfish people prioritizing what THEY want (or think they do) and not caring about the consequences. It's really sad. Beautiful partnerships are CREATED not found :(

[@rafaelagonzalez5590]

I agree, divorcing is a very hard decision, but trying to save a marriage is work of two, when one is willing to do what needs to be done and the other only plays victim, no action nor responsibility, then the all situation becomes ridiculous to sustain. Clarity and honesty in your communication with your children considering their ages will make the process bearable.

[@daeviant]

There are several legit reasons to get divorced that doesn't involve abuse. Honestly, divorce is not the issue. It's the decision to get married in the first place.

[@jerryhale4399]

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her.

[@martinscott3220]

its always difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation my wife for 12 years left me, i couldn’t just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back

[@martinscott3220]

Her name SYLVIA REGINA WHITE, she is the best spiritual adviser she helped out in such a difficult situation

[@philipnelson6968]

@@martinscott3220 Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online,and found her website . impressive

[@ZFern9390]

​@@martinscott3220she literally reunited with you and you guys worked things out?

[@JohanThiessen1971]

Thanks for sharing we were married for 22 years with 4 kids one day my wife decided divorce me I was heart broken not only for me more what would happen with the kids there was lots of anger building up in me but I came to the conclusion it's not just about me I have to find a way what's best for the kids so my ex and me decided to work on this together so every birthday and holidays we separated this together with the kids some times at my place and other times at hers it wasn't easy for me in the beginning most say this was the best decision we made we are doing this for 2 years now (you are so right that's not just about me)

[@samanthasophiaf.manalili334]

My parents said they might go through divorce it hurts hearing them say that I feel angry,sad, frustrating,and confusing it felt like a flod of emotions or being stabbed in the heart not knowing what to do but cry be mad I just wish what they said wasn't true they were so happy together and it all suddenly happened in a flash

[@jamd1400]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel like this is what my daughters are going to go through when we tell them. Just know your dad loves you

[@user-ry5zr6mi2e]

You broke my heart, i can feel your pain because my children are going through this now 😢😢😢

[@estyellie93]

I wish I could find divorce advice that doesn't include kids. The kids factor is irrelevant to me due to being (happily) child free. People with kids make me feel the pain of my divorce is LESS legitimate. I wanted to die from the pain. Still do sometimes. How do I work through the pain of divorce NOT including the child narrative?

[@magitambo712]

I hear you 😢

[@99dynasty]

Me and many of my friends parents are divorced. Life has been pretty great to be honest.

[@stacywoodson8299]

I agree. My parents divorced. I’ve never felt damaged!

[@Sitzenleben]

You two are not the norm.

[@sethc.art.wright]

Great to have found someone else after your marriage. For some people, you can just move on after getting cheated on and completely screwed over. Great for you for being able to forget about your past marriage and family you were happy with, that you didn't want to split up. But for me, it's been two years and I can't get rid of this hatred and anger after my ex cheated on me, destroyed our family, had multiple other boyfriends and is now with another guy in a long-term relationship that I have to hear about from our 4yo daughter every week. Tell me how to rebound from this situation and not harbor resentment towards her for being such a sh*tty mother and f*cked up human being. I'm not able to just move on and find someone else. Sure, that'd be great, but that's not how the world works.

[@imenehaddad2860]

What other choice do you have?

[@sweetiereesie]

Honestly, after this betrayal. The only relationship I will extend to him-the person who walked away from our future while I’m 6 months pregnant and who tore apart our family-is through the court approved parenting app. I will never let me kids know how I feel about their father. I want them to have him in their lives, but that’s all he’s getting.

[@katiebr]

that is strength! my husband tore apart my family as well getting involved with a married woman and rejecting me for years, pretty much all of my marriage, i have two beautiful kids, not fair! i absolutely hate what he did to me!

[@slipperysloper3721]

This is all fine and good until the lawyers get involved. They will push you towards divorce as of their career depended on it. (It does)

[@katiebr]

it is true! and they will get as much fight and money they can get!

[@DaleWalker-qq8ji]

​@@katiebr0:33 0:33 0:33

[@gellofelix8854]

Had no idea this was about co-parenting as divorcees, the title was slightly misleading

[@FacetiousUniqueness]

Misleading title and information. Video is about co parenting as divorcees.

[@anthonyboykinjr8784]

Well it's a lot easier when both parents put the kids first. In my case my wife cheated on me filed for divorce then proceeded to be a party girl and left me doing everything I could for my kids. We are trying to do everything 50/50 but it's not like that and I'm still goin through the pain of the infidelity and divorce. I wanted to watch this video but It seems like her ex is different then mine

[@johnd9031]

Your husband found someone else and it was fun and games instead of responsibility.

[@garythomas1301]

So since mine I think about dying and have tried it a couple of times because I'm alone and I have no one in my life

[@larrylorimer3065]

Gary, I was in the same boat all alone with 2 jobs and not allowed to see my children. Years later the one son shows up to talk and start a relationship. Get out and meet others to take your mind way from the troubles. Take care!

[@karenwindill8040]

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[@johnrencheck2283]

Dont ever get married in the first place the odds are not in your favor

[@we_areone]

Why is it not about you? Its exactly about you 🙁😞

[@danielmeehan425]

What a nightmare, the group phot with the ex and the current. Lol. 😱

[@lopputulee5493]

Divorce without kids?

[@carlahackett7140]

This is almost funny when applying the advise to dealing with someone who isn't interested in co-parenting and whose only goal is to destroy you. It doesn't matter how much "you can control your side" when he is bashing your name in front of the kids, or encouraging them to disrespect you, or plotting against you constantly and using the children as weapons. But I guess there is a different Ted Talk for that...

[@dekeama]

That was zero help

[@intimatespearfisher]

I'd love to hear her ex husbands perspective. Guys don't normally leave like that unless she is absolutely unbearable

[@olxblydpuzziavotqpcc4346]

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[@sweetiereesie]

My husband didn’t want to try anymore and never gave us a chance he didn’t even want to try marriage counseling. When I wanted divorce or thought I did he called me a quitter kept mentioning our children now who’s the quitter tearing apart our family. It’s so sad I would have tried anything to make it work because he’s always said he wanted me for the rest of his life all the time. What hurts the most is my children. As the primary parent especially with my youngest who cries if I’m not around very strongly bonded and being six months pregnant. *sigh* I wish I could have them 100% and he just visits but he’d never let that fly.

[@auntielin31]

If you didn't say you work for your "ex-husband's" company, I would seriously think that you're a kindergarten teacher, because that's how you come across. Your situation is so NOT the norm, you have no idea of what reality truly is. I wish you could see my eyes rolling right now.

[@antgue756]

Too bad my wife chooses to hold a grudge to her deathbed for the smallest things.

[@Melaann]

Yeah, this is a great divorce. There was no talking in my divorce. My lawyer talked for me. 3 kids left with 2 parents that don't speak to each other. I tried to be nice and sit down to talk logistics but his abusive ways wouldn't allow it. Still hate him. Lol qe do NOT covalent. Parallel parenting here and im still angry... also f him and his alocholic affair partner my kids have to be around. 😂😂 this Ted talk is from a lucky divorce case.

[@jeremyboutwell543]

Kids first lol isn’t the kids family there was no family in tell you made the kids thank about that so when say let’s thank about kids your saying let’s thank about family and what is family post be United see from a different point of view that like saying there no such thang as family but there such thang as kids so that mean ever kid was just kids not family that would be like going to child saying your not family your just a kid I bet you own child would love that the Creation of the Child is a Representation of Family

[@richardv9648]

Who is here after she dated Mathew Hussey?

[@LizardKing5983]

I understand why her husband wanted to get away from her.

[@volscaptaind]

Kids don’t come first. That’s probably why she ended up divorced

[@jasonchen244]

I can understand why the husband wanted to divorce her

[@Useryuic]

I was told by an old man when I was a child. They told me in the 20s,30s and 40s, you got a50/50 shot at love if your a good partner. Now in America with the highest divorce rate in the world you got 10 or 5% if that even having a 10 year marriage reunion.

[@olxblydpuzziavotqpcc4346]

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