Do Avoidant Attachment Styles Regret Breaking Up With Their Ex?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Have you ever had a dismissive avoidant end a relationship suddenly? What was your experience like? ❤

[@JDizzle-nc8lt]

Dear Thais, I’ve been watching your channel for some time, and I wanted to say thank you for all that you do. After an extremely traumatic discard, in a world of no hope, filled with so much emotional pain, bit by bit over the years you have helped me piece together the puzzle, and to gain answers to what happened and why. You have an amazing way at sharing your knowledge- such passion, compassion, and skill - and I truly thank you.

[@0Demiyah0]

Can you cover how Avoidants handle when they are broken up with? I feel like 90% of content assumes that it is always the Avoidant that leaves, when that's not always the case.

[@kjshow4173]

She walked away on Saturday. She found fault and flaws in several little things that obviously, were boulders for her. She kept saying she was overwhelmed, so I gave her space. She then told me I didn't try hard enough. In the past she had told me that I made her feel safe and seen. I love her. I'm willing to put in the work. Maybe she will, too. Your videos and knowledge are a blessing. Thank you, Thais.

[@Dani-tl7bz]

So if we dated for 7 months (said I love you's to one another for 5 of those 7 months) and he only started looking for flaws in me during the last month, does it mean he won't regret the breakup? Even though he made it clear for quite some time that he did in fact love me.

[@bch5758]

By text, after 4 years.. told me she needed to concentrate on her health and work - and that she didnt care about relationships .. rug well and truly pulled. When I said ‘But I love you’ she said in return ‘I appreciate your feelings’

[@SuzieNewzie]

3 years with my ex DA. He dumped me after 1.5 years then came charging back 4 weeks later with promises, i took him back. Another 1.6 years and I broke up with him 3 weeks ago! All his avoidant tendencies came back, it was horrible for months. I just gave up! Nobody is worth that much amount of stress! You should never try and teach someone how to love. Even though I’m hurting it was the right thing to do because I know I’ll be happier without a DA!

[@LivingBeyondBeauty]

Regret arises when we realise that we could have made different choices that would inevitably lead to better outcomes. Avoidants tend to rationalise their actions by convincing themselves that they made the 'safest' choice in order to avoid potential regret. It's this rationalisation that creates a self-perpetuating cycle whereby the avoidance element reinforces the erroneous belief that it was the right decision in the first place, despite evidence to the contrary. The regret they experience hinges on the false premise that inaction is inherently 'safer' or less risque than taking action. So whilst they may experience genuine regret, it makes absolutely no difference to the people they hurt in the process.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Let's be real , they have no empathy .They are shame based. Steeped in pride and ego...They are totally disconnected from their heart. Why would they regret it? They USE you for security and comfort like a blanket. Its all surface stuff. They grieve the loss of their "blanket".. You deserve way more than the bare minimum emotionally...❤

[@Luis913Barroeta]

Both avoidant attachment styles have the boomerang effect where they'll repress feelings then it'll hit them in the face later on. but lack of vulnerability will make them not express and get relationship back on the right track

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for sharing! This definitely can happen ❤

[@dn10im]

I totally agree with this. It definitely hits them like a tonne of bricks months down the line. I’m in no contact with a SEVERE dismissive avoidant. I KNOW he has really started to miss me sooo much after 6 months no contact. I can feel a distinct energy shift. I know many people will think this is woo woo and not a reliable gauge but I know and trust in myself

[@canis556]

I asked my gf about moving in together again, seeing each other more often. She wasnt really sure about that, told me that She thinks I want to see each other everyday( I didn't) and fo her once a week is fine. She broke up again with me, months later felt into depression, told me it has been terrible for her, living alone. So when I offered time and companionship it was too much, but later, the space and loneliness destroyed her mental health

[@tarkov_6]

Knew a dismissive avoidant who was still regretting leaving a friend from 10 years ago

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for sharing! I hope they can heal and change their ways for the better ❤‍🩹

[@KellyCampbell-Taylor-rh6jr]

Yes, my wife of almost 7 years, who’s also the mother of our 2 yr. old girl + 4 yr. old boy just blindsided me this past Xmas and said we were done without ever talking with me. She had checked out 3 years ago and apparently was holding onto things that had happened a couple years before we even got married and were related only to my decision in changing careers.

[@nannoreul]

Id love to see a video about DAs and substance abuse! It seems like there’s a lot of us in the comments who perceive our partners as DAs who also abuse drugs/alcohol? Wondering if there might be a correlation!

[@flagirl0315]

Yes even some who are workaholics or addicted the gym. Addictive personalities and many I find have ocd too

[@geelws8880]

@@flagirl0315omg the ocd is soo real! He couldn’t stay still till he did it…

[@flagirl0315]

@@geelws8880 it almost feels like they are running away from something even mentally. Keeping busy they don’t have to face anything painful

[@Heavenlysky89]

My ex DA had a couple of drinks every day and drank heavily on the weekends. He smoked like a chimney and was always finding tasks to do. He rarely stayed still which was bizarre. 🤔

[@michaella5799]

My da ex was drunk pretty much 100% our interactions, and yes has atleast a couple everyday

[@throughmoni]

mine broke up with me after 1.5 years (LDR) because i was asking for quality time over FaceTime after not seeing him for 2 weeks because he was “too busy.” couldn’t even give me a minute of his time. turns out he would rather break up with me than be stressed.. tried to ask him to reconsider but he blocked me on our main source of communication. we were supposed to close the distance in july.. he seems to be doing fine without me, meanwhile i’m picking up the pieces of myself. felt more alone, unimportant, unloved and under appreciated in the relationship..

[@LindsiPhoenixRising]

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m in a similar space (LDR and not alot of time spent together). Feeling no enough and deceived is such a hard thing to overcome…hope you’re continuing to heal..

[@redpilledwarrior4367]

Beautiful explanations. After the fourth date, of us opening up a little bit, she started to pull back. I chased a bit, she found a flaw in my humor over text, I asked to talk it out over the phone, she didn’t want to, few days later, it was over. I feel peace knowing it was a no win situation for me trying to “resolve” the perceived small issue

[@chioma5633]

That’s not avoidance. 4 dates is a short time, she just didn’t want to date you

[@vorbis4860]

I'd love to see some material on avoidant denial: what it looks like, when it kicks in, what beliefs it is there to defend, and what shakes them out of it (including what triggers them to realize they're heading for emotional rick bottom...and what that rock bottom FEELS like and looks like for avoidants, not just regarding substance use).

[@vorbis4860]

@maxsheerin8219 Denial isn't "who they are." It's a defense mechanism. And it's an objective fact that people often get triggered to realize reality. I'm asking if there's a pattern to that which would be useful.

[@Sifu_Black]

This is one of the reasons it's so important to be fulfilled before entering into a relationship. I couldn't imagine having an extended grieving process after something like a break-up. Having hobbies, interests, and purpose will naturally draw the right people to you because people want to be around others who are fulfilled. This in turn brings you great friends, family, and dating prospects. Of course, everyone needs their time after a relationship ends, but anything extended (which implies far beyond what is needed to grieve) will only hold you back from the right person in the long-run.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I appreciate your share! It's definitely important and ideal to be fulfilled before starting a serious relationship ❤

[@CeeP211]

Yes, but everyone grieves differently. I wish it was this easy for everyone.

[@Sifu_Black]

@@CeeP211 it's easier when you have a life outside of the relationship and maintain that life whilst inside the relationship. You learn that most people in your life are just passing through including your romantic partners and understand that you can meet a new and better partner in the long-run.

[@Sifu_Black]

@@ConstableCinnamon exactly. Anxiety is cured through action. When I was anxious during the darkest days of building my business, I did everything from reaching out to prospects directly to posting a video on social media. It helped almost immediately!

[@Sifu_Black]

@@dandanut5409 what kind of response was that? You don't even know how a proper grammatical sentence looks like. 😃

[@belindaclevenger4759]

Every time I talked to a DA ex, I felt like I was on a job interview. He would have a series of questions he would ask me. Felt like if I gave the wrong answer to any of his checklist questions, I would be voted off the island so to speak. Always felt like walking on egg shells to not upset the balance. It was mentally taxing.

[@sj3969]

Hmm I’m a DA and have done this, but I always saw it as a quick way to sus out incompatibility. Like what are your political leanings, religious? Spiritual? Children or no? Monogamous, maybe? Yes? I don’t ask that way because I’m not socially awkward lol, but I always expect the same in return. A guy friend warned me once saying sometimes men ask questions and if you answer wrong they’ll reject you. I was so confused because I was like “yes, and?” I want that so we don’t waste our time.

[@belindaclevenger4759]

@@sj3969 Thank you! Always interesting to learn from each other. The question asking wasn't so strange. But it didn't feel like a naturally flowing coversation. I could just tell he expected certain answers or I would get the boot. Which is indeed what happened.

[@LindsiPhoenixRising]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I relate to this deeply…always feeling like I had to perform and if I didn’t say or do something perfectly in their mind, then I was just a bad partner and couldn’t be trusted…it was always a losing battle and being fought uphill. 😢

[@windingdriveway]

@@sj3969 But are you looking for reasons why it can't work? So you can have an aha! moment? When I like someone I am looking for reasons and ways to make it work, because I like them and I want it to work.

[@mmohseni69]

I have lessened to 3 of your contents and I can understand what happened from my EX to me and you are so good to explaining it in detail in kind of depth. Thank you for what you do you are amazing 🙏

[@markcafebrown2883]

Hi Thais❤. My wife or ex-wife left me out of the blue. She is 100% and avoidant. She got herself a new boyfriend before she left me. That was so hard to deal with. She blames her past relationship CPTSD. No I told her, I said it was poor character choice.

[@sharchannel1836]

Well said

[@markcafebrown2883]

I feel for everybody that was in an abusive relationship. I will not though let them blame poor character choices on their trauma. Trauma is not a free pass to f over another person

[@JediNiyte]

Nope. They run. It's what they do. The longer I live the more I think the evasion is what brings them fulfillment. I absolutely refuse to chase these kinds of people. You are just setting yourself up for a WORLD of heartache.

[@stevenkovler5133]

This was so me, and I left two perfect woman. One absolutely perfect and ended up in a narcissistic marriage Z! I wrote about this in another short !

[@nickskywalker2568]

It's the fear of vulnerabilities that broke us apart with my (DA) ex FA. Now that I can see it, I deeply regret it and wish she we had a chance to talk... but she blocked me and went with someone else after 4.5 years.

[@DDartlover8888]

Very helpful, an insightful description of the DA.

[@AmberSmith-td1nb]

Yep. Hi is like "peace out"!

[@roshalllambert]

Very well explained and very accurate!!

[@MissSarahGM]

FAs also flaw find, not just DAs.

[@syedbukhari6578]

yeah we do, i'm trying to not do it my new partner.

[@MissSarahGM]

@@syedbukhari6578 At least you're trying. My ex was dealing with ROCD and couldn't see it. I felt judged and not enough on a daily basis. Rarely cherished. As if he had never really chosen me. I was the contrary, not wanting to see the bad and focusing on the positives.

[@syedbukhari6578]

@@MissSarahGM if it helps you my ex was a DA. She sent me a sweet letter on my birthday, only to give me a list of reasons the next month of how we’re incompatible and this that and then she asked for space so I agreed with her and said ok we’re done thanks for trying. In retrospective, I do understand how they can make you feel judged. And I did the same as you by trying to focus and make her focus on the positives but ah whatever.

[@MissSarahGM]

@@syedbukhari6578 I'm sorry it's so painful to deal with volatility and unstable loved ones. I think you had to set a boundary or she wouldn't respect you, and even treat you worse. Mine dumped me and breadcrumbed me for a year, just gave me false hope. So I finally decided to ignore, even if his messages were nostalgic and saying he carried the love I gave him even if he was not always that nice or it didn't work out. I didn't respond. I wanted to see if he would say more, what he wanted beyond being curious how I was doing. He has not reached out since. I believe he was just back to "take" from me, not to apologise and repair a real relationship. It's just sad.

[@MissSarahGM]

@@syedbukhari6578 I'm sorry you also deal with someone that volatile, it's very painful. I think you had to set that boundary, or she would not respect you and treat you even worse. Anyway at this point, it's not even worth trying to convince anybody. They left because it was too healthy and too good and it is not familiar to them.

[@DobermanDanK9]

What are peoples opinions or experiences on an avoidant meeting a secure attacher? What's the process they go through?

[@SeanOzz]

I’m secure and spent last two years with what I now know was an avoidant and a possible covert narcissist mix. First six months was amazing. I fell hard for her. We had some ups and downs and she pulled away. We were on and off again then last year solid and moved in together and had huge plans for our future. She even said she wanted kids with me and couldn’t ever picture having them with someone else. She wanted it to become more serious. Without getting into too much detail. We ended. I still love her and wish we could have continued because we were getting into amazing talks and she was working through family trauma but she found an easier way with someone else. During our time together I found myself going from secure to anxious and sometimes a mix due to the lack of return she gave or honesty from her so to say. I could probably write a book about it but summed up, it changed how I reacted to everything compared to how I normally do.

[@DobermanDanK9]

@SeanOzz It's one of the most heart-wrenching but enlightening situations I've ever been in. From the sheer pain of trying to understand what the hell was going on (I didn't know attachment theory at that time) to the learning curve I've made on setting boundaries, protecting my peace etc. I'm sorry you've been through all that. It is truly a rollercoaster of emotions. The lack of reciprocal behaviours can drive you insane because you know they care for you...

[@TheMotArt]

I used to be secure... they turned me into an anxious wreck. Hard to trust anyone after that experience.

[@Mermaid03_03]

I’m an FA and do this.

[@martinhebblewhite4659]

Do Avoidants have many relationships ? Do they leave a relationship prematurely if they think the partner is going to leave ?

[@sj3969]

I’m a DA, no I don’t have many relationships. I don’t tend to feel the need to be super social or have my needs met (whatever that means) by others too strongly. I try my hand at dating like once every 3 years with the mindset of “let’s see what’s out there”. I run into ppl I’m not compatible with and burn out very very quickly. Again, I’m not super social nor do I have deficits in need of filling so my stamina for dating is very very low. I get bored and then discover myself again. This time though, I’m staying this way. I have tried dating and I don’t like it. As for leaving before a partner leaves…idk. I’ve noticed people tapering off but I don’t have enough drive to stop it. I let them go.

[@chay516]

@@sj3969same! I won’t run after them or admit my avoidance because that alone is vulnerability

[@sj3969]

@@chay516I wouldn’t say that’s the case for me. I tend to be very straightforward. I’ll tell someone if I miss them or want to see them. It’s went they start putting twenty on ten that things get weird for me.

[@ace7821]

What if the DA immediately gets into another relationship? Will they ever get into Non Contact? Does everything fail because of this.

[@georgedaccache8521]

Will an ex avoidant ever reply back to my apology text ?

[@ld921]

Can you do one on if you breakup with them ,

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for your suggestion! I will try and touch on this in a future video 😊

[@ld921]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool ty

[@0Demiyah0]

I would appreciate content about this as well. It's very hard to find, because it's like 90% of content assumes the Avoidant is the one who walked away. I am going through this process right now, where I (earned SA) have decided to separate from a peaceful, supportive and warm connection with a DA. We did not have any fights leading up to this decision, and he takes 90% of the initiatives to text, call and meet-up. He has been highly consistent with this too, especially these past 2 years. It would take too much space in one comment, but I think I have masterfully executed this decision, to the point that even in the couple conversations we've had where I announced we have an insurmountable incompatability we've had some amazing talks with very good energy between us. I sometimes take a cheeky peek at his Twitter feed, and since I've announced this separation is inevitable due to our different priorities, he's actually been liking and engaging with content about proposing, old couples celebrating their decades long commitment, marriage anecdotes, relationship jokes and memes. I think its 50/50 he might want to get engaged after all, but I am also expecting him to lose faith due to the vulnerability of that decision once he realises he wants it.

[@gregorystinette8271]

Yes

[@DeborahSkipper-sk4hb]

No contact from who, you or the Avoidant? I will probably be the one to stop. Do they process the same?

[@amymiller4979]

is two years a long term relationship?

[@isabellajohnson6895]

Yes

[@ivonesilva6084]

When they consider loyalty a flaw… subconscious manipulation techniques on the right side of the spectrum.

[@mikekeats1804]

Tons of accusing, manipulation and gaslighting, catasrophizing little things, it's maddening.

[@dannywholuv]

What is it with the time and DAs? My ex used to hate people being late. I was late once by 15 mins and she acted cold. Its ironic as she wasted 1.5 years of my time.

[@ba2cinema]

How would avoidant attachment styles affect someone who's pregnant?

[@chay516]

Terribly. I am an avoidant and dad and I split because of me about 6 months ago. It’s always best for kids to stay together especially if you actually do love them but I used EVERY reason to push him away. Not putting this ALL on me. I had no clue this was going on. I can tell you when I was pregnant I was very hot and cold towards him

[@ba2cinema]

@@chay516 what ended up happening???

[@chay516]

@@ba2cinema we are working on a parenting plan and still avoid anything about our relationship because I don’t like the conflict. I absolutely am willing to accept my part, I just don’t want to open that door myself honestly. 😢 He has a Big Man Ego as well so therefore he will probably never be actually open without criticism to his or my feelings. So at this moment I’m really hoping we can continue to always keep our daughters best interests first and hopefully can get along because that is the 2nd best thing we could do as parents.

[@chay516]

@@ba2cinema also when I was pregnant it was really hard for me to bring myself to be naked or have intimacy with him. When I say I was hot and cold I mean it. One minute I loved him to death and the next I would kick him out ( we never lived together, this go around) I kept my own place due to relationship stability issues in our first go around. We have 18 month old and known each other 7 years. Been on and off the whole 7 years.

[@ba2cinema]

@@chay516 I don't get it. Why don't you just first let him say what he needs to say, and then later on you can address your needs (if he can't handle it rn)

[@unfilteredparida]

did u just delete my comment ??

[@svilenaninetta9838]

Sorry but i have to say.. You look like Angellina Jolly.

[@_--Reaper--_]

Why tf would anyone even put up with this BS??

[@mikekeats1804]

love bombs and trauma bonds and hoping for change

[@gogohappygirl]

This video is a repeat of what’s already been done on this channel. Would be nice to see some new content that you haven’t already covered.

[@sj3969]

Hmmm I can’t think of a break up I regret as a DA. I regret relationships with friends falling away to an extent, but not romantic relationships. The reasons for those break ups were justifiable in retrospect. Typically, I break up for value/moral reasons. Sometimes there’s something like “this person said they want kids and I don’t” which again in my opinion is totally justified. I’ve had a guy say he changed his mind about having kids but I knew that was a lie, he was just trying to keep me around or just saying what needed to be said to perhaps at least sleep with me. There are people that I miss, but never enough to overpower the very real and justifiable reasons for the break imo. Though all DAs are different

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your share, I appreciate it! You're definitely right about not all dismissive avoidant attachment styles being the same ❤

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@dandanut5409 why are you so nasty to people on here? Cut it out and heal your own attachment. If you think being a FA is easier for the partner of a FA over a DA, you are seriously mistaken.

[@sj3969]

@@dandanut5409oh you’re mad mad 😂 I can see why your person ran

[@sj3969]

@@dandanut5409 so you’re nasty to people in the comment section because you’ve had your privilege to interact in the group removed? Yes, it’s a privilege because you nor anyone else has a right to anybody’s time or space. Adults respect boundaries-clearly Thais set a boundary. You should respect it instead of windmilling at people in the comment section who haven’t done anything to you. Tantrums are for toddlers not adults you say we should be. Again, DAs get attacked in the comment section but you supposedly secure people are the ones cutting up 😭

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@dandanut5409 I'm not a DA, I'm a FA who now leans SA. You sir are also a FA so what are you even going on about? You go on these awkward rants cutting people down because you got hurt by a DA, yet you don't ever look at yourself and see how frightening and emotionally charged you sound? I rarely say this as it sounds condescending, but you need help. Seriously.