Will Your AVOIDANT Ex Come Back? Do THIS

[@Fleuvifarello]

is better to cry over a break up and move on, than to be with someone who is not emotional available.

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

And has zero desire to be.

[@JohnViguerie]

No compromise, No communication through conflict, No thanks

[@krisreynolds9490]

You nailed it.

[@foxyknowledgeseeker]

I'm an FA (healing) and just got dumped by my DA after our fourth attempt in 5 years at getting together. He decided to end a perfectly peaceful and shockingly healthy connection after 4 months. But this is probably the first time things also ended with him breaking things off and not just ghosting me like before nor did I react poorly like I used to in the past. I think I made my peace with the fact that he and I are not meant to be and I deserve so much better. I am just focusing on healing my attachment style now.

[@Nika-je6zd]

I am very sorry to hear you had to go through this - all reading here are in kind of similar situations - but best wishes to heal fast. Google "briana avoidant divine timing" and this should help you to move on and have next a fulfilling secure relationship! Sending you lots of love.

[@Nika-je6zd]

Great work completed - you reacted calmly, know what to heal, and what behaviours not to accept in next relation.

[@Ken-od7gc]

Pray they never come back. Its like treating and beating cancer and then the cancer comes back. Seriously.

[@nonenone-n3z]

OMG 😂

[@tarkov_6]

Would love to see what impact avoidants have on others mentally after/while they leave. A lot of focus is on an avoidants mental state, but next to none on the other person's mental state.

[@Ken-od7gc]

I agree would be good to hear more from the professionals on this. Here's my story. My DA slow faded. I slowly broke down to where I couldn't work. Lost any and all interest in anything. Stopped working out. Felt worthless, anxious, depressed. Inability to function. Financially wiped me out. Lost all confidence and belief in myself. Attempted suicide. Finally ejected her from my life. Still recovering but it's all coming back to me. As far as her coming back, I pray she doesn't. I have put up as many barriers to her ever finding and contacting me, including moving, new phone numbers and emails, and deleting all my social media. My story is probably extreme. But I would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon and smash my head with a hammer than ever interact with her again.

[@hspinnovators5516]

They cause loss of oxytocin loss of serotonin and loss of vasopressin like a drug withdrawal pretty much mimicing the brain damage an avoidant has in the other person. Why it is so destructive to be the other party

[@BirdieHaze2207]

Exactly, I didn’t even get a conversation. Now I feel like I don’t even deserve one. From your best friend to a stranger in 2 mins and you don’t even see it coming .

[@coping_in_copeland_coper]

its devastating. mine left giving the most ridiculous reason after no conflict nth. thats why they call it a discard. you are left with no way to rationalise it and your brain is left to manufacture a logical conclusion, which doesnt ever come

[@DobermanDanK9]

And that thought lingers for so long. It's crippling ​@@coping_in_copeland_coper

[@Sassy387]

The question is not if a DA or FA returns. It is if they return with a secure or at least improved attachment style.

[@Fleuvifarello]

healing an attachment atyle/ past wounds/ traumas is not that easy, might take years and a lot of self love, so if the come back, I don´t think there will be much improvement

[@ZhengSW]

That won't happen unless they really dive deep and join PDS or get some intensive therapy.

[@russellcameronthomas2116]

100% yes. They need to be committed to a healing + growing path for their own reasons and motivation, not just to please you. And in the mean time, we need to do our own work on growth and healing.

[@Fleuvifarello]

even if the do come back, just run away from them, being with an avoidant is suffering

[@LaurenJ.Gordon]

Great video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

[@Glen.Murphy8]

i have been in such a situation. i love my woman and unfortunately we separated about two years ago, but i could not let her go, so i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back, now we are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.

[@LaurenJ.Gordon]

wow, please how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?

[@Glen.Murphy8]

Her name is queen stella laveaux ,and she is great at what she does. you can look her name up online and you will find all you need.

[@LaurenJ.Gordon]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@1224polo]

after two years of relationship she discarded me like a trash using absolutely not true and ridicolous reasons. She did it once one year ago, after 4 weeks no contact she reached out to me and she got back to me. After a perfect year without any arguments she discarded me again. She blocked me everywhere. I dont want her back. I am done. Life is to short to waste time on the avoidants and try to heal them

[@1224polo]

Anybody who is trying do get back fearfull avoidant or dissmissive avoidant i have a precious advice: DON'T DO IT! Please don't. You will be dumped again. Theese people don't change. They dont do any work to fix themselves, they think that everything is fine with them and just whole world and partners are bad and against them. They dont self reflect. I made that mistake and i let her to come back. After a wonderfull one year she discarded me like a trash without any reason. Sorry. She gave me her ridicolous, absurd "reasons" created in her sick head... They are absolutely fucked up people

[@cobragirl15]

How often do this actually happen and work? The more I learn about this, the more I can see that my avoidant ex has no plans on changing (he doesn't think he has anything to improve), nor would he carve out time for it. I don't know why I keep holding on to hope. I miss him terribly and despite wanting to reach out every day, I stay silent.

[@christianlaws8204]

Put your focus on you and doing and learning something new. Ie sports, dancing, self defense. Stay busy and u get 2 4 1 self improvement skills and no longer missing who? oh them😂

[@MadisonEstes]

You could possibly pinpoint exactly what behaviors you think need changing and then watch videos together and make it about both of you having a deeper connection/more positive relationship/etc. (whatever you think might actually get him to participate in it with you). If you try to make it about him changing, he will definitely rebel, but if you make it about both of you or the relationship, like "a relationship class" he might not be as opposed. He probably won't ever take it as seriously as you and I wouldn't expect that. Although it sounds like you two are not currently together at the moment anyway. I miss my ex too. I stupidly reached out, just a short comment asking if he wanted to talk, and I haven't heard back. It's so weird. I've never reached out to an ex before, but I didn't expect no response at all.

[@susanrisney179]

I see all these negative comments about avoidance returning. I think it's up to the person who the avoidant comes to no matter what your attachment style is to then say these are the standards that I would like for us if we go forward I really really like you and I would really like for us to get back together. And I also think that that is the perfect time to say yep it will only work if we go through counseling.

[@MilesIncognito]

agree, though to be fair the ability to understand your boundaries and communicate them already implies you are getting more secure. But yeah, that's the journey people need to take.

[@Sifu_Black]

Another great strategy for those thinking of getting back with an ex. If I was the type to do that myself, I'd definitely use this.

[@lilove6560]

Love the clarity in the explanation of each step 💖

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hello, we're so glad you've found value in the content :)

[@VieseCR]

Perfect timing, very clear idea of steps, and affirming I will definitely head over to that course! Thank you!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hello, Thank you for your kind comment, and we're so glad you've found great value in the content :)

[@andybiddle9088]

My dismisive avoidant ex dumped me in February 2 weeks after we had the best day together and with us both saying we love each other. The week after the date, her oldest friend died and the week after that, is when i was dumped, with her saying, " The spark has gone" and to "Leave her be" as she wasnt in a good place. I didnt go in feet first as i knew she was struggling coz of her friend, but i probably over did the texting. She blocked me at the end of March, which made no contact from that point, easier. Although i sent her a card just saying I hope shes ok, at the beginnings of May. I havent heard back from her so have not contacted her since. If i ever hear back and she wants to hook up again. I would work with her on this a suggest BOTH of us go to counciling....id take things real slow and make sure she is comfortable with things. My first thought is HER. Im doing ok now but i just feel desperately sad for my ex

[@jacobbaradaeus6250]

Please, please reply to this thread if something happens!! This is a very similar situation to what happened with my FA ex. She blocked me a week ago and I was considering reaching out in two months to just say that I hope she was okay and I’ve been thinking of her. I’m wondering if that will push her further away or whether it’s just to maintain no contact.

[@andybiddle9088]

@@jacobbaradaeus6250 I will. I'm not gonna contact her anymore....or at least try not to...as she blocked me for a reason, so I'm gonna try and wait it out. I'll keep you updated.

[@jacobbaradaeus6250]

or just better* to maintain no contact, I mean

[@andybiddle9088]

Is it ok to send my dismisive avoidant ex flowers at the end of no contact (60 days). Just saying hello and wishing her well. Whatever happens, I want her in my life in a relationship or as a friend. We only dated for 3 months. She only backed off when things started hotting up. She said she was smitten and we both used the L word.

[@MadisonEstes]

@@andybiddle9088 Idk if it's too late for this, but I think flowers might be a bit much. I would just call her or ask if she wants to meet up.

[@AliValentine143]

Thats so unfortunate that nobody could assure anyone that the issue would be handled, past and present, according to the law. Not one public servant.

[@Cre8Fire34]

Lol " ask you questions about your life" Uhm, does that ever happen with DA self absorption?

[@Ken-od7gc]

Excellent point! No, no it sure doesn't happen.

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

@Cre8Fire44 oh yes yes they know everything about my life! Does this mean they are FA not DA?

[@Cre8Fire34]

@@JustMeAndMyBoy If it's early in the relationship, DA's will ask. That changes VERY QUICKLY once the relationship deepens. The curiosity and love bombing questions DISAPPEARS.

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

@@Cre8Fire34 it’s been a year together. No more love bombing but we still ask each other everything. I think they’re both DA/ FA. So do u think it’s their FA side asking?

[@guywithahelmet9597]

Nope definitely not coming back

[@gregorystinette8271]

No thanks, hard pass !

[@Career_Change_with_Freda]

As an FA, I’ve never tried to reconnect with an ex. However with my current ex we have to have contact because we have a dog together which makes things very complicated :/ For me, once it’s over it’s over…. No chance of returning

[@hspinnovators5516]

Also because you are addicted to pain versus secures (unsustainability)

[@Fleuvifarello]

agreed

[@1300SL]

How long does it usually take for them to possibly start to re-surface, should I try to reach out after a certain period of time? Been a month since my Avoidant ex broke up with me after a argument & been in NC since. This is the 2nd break up in a 16 month relationship btw.

[@stanw4543]

If they resurface again and ask how you are doing, is it best to just go with the flow or make your intentions clear right away? For example, if you only want to date that person instead of being friends, is it better to make that clear as soon as possible or wait a bit because it might scare them away?

[@jacobbaradaeus6250]

I think it depends on their attachment style. An FA will run for the hills.

[@Ken-od7gc]

With respect, why the hell do you care if you scare them away? They were the one's that punched the eject button on you. Or if you left it's because you had enough of being hurt or simply not getting your needs met. If they can't handle your honesty up front too damn bad. Why put up with such emotional immaturity and just put yourself in a position to be hurt again? Oh, and again with all respect, my opinion is you should not want them around at all, even as a friend, as their crappy behavior is still going to effect you even as friends. Unless they show through actions their commitment to change, you are just setting yourself up for another fall.

[@Fleuvifarello]

just ask straight away, what is his/her intention, they might still want the connection but not the relationship

[@MadisonEstes]

On a first meeting I wouldn't say anything. Especially if it has been more than a few months, I would focus more on catching up with new developments. Be genuinely interested in their life and what's been going on, and try to think of a few new things in your life to talk about. Try to talk about a few common interests as well. Personally I think they need to feel a spark when you reconnect or the DA/FA will just leave, and since they are already going to be nervous, just being nice and trying to connect in the same way you did at first will get you much further than if you just made your intentions clear right away. Especially since commitment-phobia is to some degree the fear in some of these situations, even asking about a relationship might make them feel like it's a demand even when it's not. I think it might be better to just go with the flow and try to rekindle what was good before they left. But NO SEX. That's the one thing I would not "go with the flow." Definitely find out what their intentions are and decide if you want to be exclusive before you do that. Also be aware the ex might be holding your hand or cuddling to try to "test things out" and those feelings might not come back as soon as they expect. Basically I would take things at a snail's pace. Keep in mind your ex, especially if the ex is a guy, will probably let you know if they want more. If not, assume they are testing the waters.

[@bigbadlara5304]

My exgf ended things with me and afterwards we went no contact. Because things went bad after the relationship ended. Now she randomly sends me a question. I answer and she doesn't read it... Is she really just that confused about things or playing games. I'm kinda tired. She is probably not securely attached and neither am I.

[@zacpdx]

Sounds like a game and testing. Seeing if you’re still available at the drop of a hat. I’d go no contact for at least 45 days. (It’s also toxic behavior honestly)

[@bigbadlara5304]

@@zacpdx I think it's for the best. No contact. She made me think she was starting a conversation. So I agree it's kind of toxic leaving me on unread. The circumstances to this are very weird however I just have to accept that I'll never know what her intentions are. And move on.

[@Ken-od7gc]

Man just block her and move on. Whatever her damn game is it's rude and inconsiderate and shows she isn't someone worth your time, effort, or attention.

[@YourReallEstateLawyerAmsterdam]

Isn't this the same for any person.

[@dierenoppasservice]

What if the actions are not matching the words the other way around? For the first time in years, I see more consistent and honest actions, thinking about my feelings. But they also express they wanted to get back together but them seem to be not feeling it anymore (while they suggested it in the first place?). Are they still too deactivated? I am so used to it being the other way around, i don't know if i should continue contact...

[@Last_seraphim1]

They are looking at my post, is that an attempt at conection, and should I start looking at their post?

[@brandon42054]

I feel like my wife is a FA we have been together 19 years I have a more secure attachment style I noticed she would get really attached some days and pull back some days and I never reacted either way and I think it was a good balance for us. About two years ago I noticed she started getting triggered by a lot of things and she started talking about a lot of childhood trauma I’ll add her father is very controlling and was always really bad about wanting his daughters to live off him and never move out he didn’t want anyone to support them only him. About 3 months ago my wife had a series of traumatic events Happen in about 3 weeks time she had an eptopic pregnancy (her tubes are tied) she refused to go to the hospital sat in our bathtub for 2 weeks howling in pain I finally got frustrated with her about not going to the hospital about a week before she finally passed the eptopic she got laid off her job of 8 years and then a few days later her daughter (my stepdaughter) got put in a psyche ward She got really cold and distant and one night she tried to pick a fight she finally provoked me around bedtime and she exploded accusing me of not loving her etc. I denied it and then she said she was done and wanted out and the next 2 weeks it was like dealing with a different person everyday hot/cold then she totally deactivated and started to say some really outlandish things embellishing things in the relationship that never happened she started giving the notion she may harm herself I tried to encourage her to get help she got very combative to the point that I tried to have her involuntary commited she took off to her parents house she’s been there for two months now She’s been very deactivated and cold every few days she will want to talk and encourage me to confess my love and I will and she gets angry and says that me doing that makes her feel guilty about wanting a divorce and then she won’t reach out for a few days then we talk and she immediately throws the committed thing at me and she goes from I didn’t love you for the last 6 months then to 4 years then to 8 years then to 10 years then it goes back to I can never forgive you for trying to have me committed I just started a no/limited contact with her now to try to give her space to reactivate now that I’ve learned about this attachment style she’s also been very hot/cold to our daughter and she hated her parents for years and now that she’s over there they are the greatest ppl ever so I feel like all I can do now is just wait it out till she reactivates and then hopefully help her heal

[@harukakaioh21]

Wow.. my FA ex of 14 years did the EXACT same thing.. word for word, nailed it. Except throw in a twist that my FA ex wanted to date other people. Currently in therapy trying to figure out what made her an FA attachment style. But I'm not as strong/patient as you, so I gave in to her and winded up filing the divorce papers. I wish you the best of luck, and that she sees therapy for the FA. FAs will only heal though therapy says most of these studies.

[@brandon42054]

@@harukakaioh21 yea she doesn’t seem to be trying to date she’s doing pretty much the same exact thing at her parents house she did here just lay in bed all day and play on her computer. She has a podcast and she was saying that was how she was gonna make money instead of a job, she gets 8 downloads a week, so she said she was going to do marketing and sell sponsorship packages for women in motorsports, that failed so she said she was going to start selling merch for her podcast, that failed so she said she was going to go back to college at 38 and get a 4 year marketing degree and then go to a 4 year law school and be a lawyer for women athletes she stopped talking about that she told my daughter last week she was gonna buy her parents house for 375k I said how ? And she told my daughters she’s starting a non profit and I said ok but how ? With No job no vehicle or anything ? my daughter was like I dunno I tried not to laugh Then she told my daughter the other day she’s gonna write a book now I just was like smh I think there’s more to it than FA and I just can’t turn my back on her I’m thinking a midlife crisis or maybe an onset of bipolar the outlandish things she was saying before she left was things like Buddha and Anubis visited me and told me I was going to die soon. And Buddha told me to leave you and be more selfish And then I found out after she left she told my daughter a “spirit” told her I was having an affair for 3 years and she was gonna divorce me and move to Japan We have a year in my state we have to be separated before we can divorce so I figure I have a year to try to help her and do what I can I cannot Just throw 19 years away and not try to make it work though. She got a 90 day severance from her job and it ran out last week so we will see how long it takes for reality to set in as well

[@harukakaioh21]

@@brandon42054 Man, really.. your situation feels a lot like mine. Mine started in Japan.. what I’m calling the “catalyst/turning point” moment for my soon to be ex wife (no kids though). She was hot/cold (more hot) in japan, the same as she’s been for YEARS but usually she’s happy on a vacation so I do my best to take her on many trips a year (2 international and 1 domestic). But this trip/japan was different, she was not happy and the “high” she usually got from trips faded so quickly after returning home. I’m secure, a giver, and go getter.. so I did everything for her and tried to get her everything she wanted to keep her happy. I was tired of coming home from work only to deal with her being angry/sad/emotional. And it was always extremes of anger and sadness, nothing in between.. it was mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. So as secure, I wanted to resolve it but she never wanted to talk about her feelings, so I resorted to asking her what she wanted to do or eat or buy - anything that she wanted to make her happy. It was always a temporary fix, and she would get the little highs from it but each high started to fade faster and faster each time. I felt like I was losing the battle and accepted that this is the way she is and there’s nothing I can do to help her. She decided on her own to go to therapy which at this point I was willing to try anything, but it wasn’t a couples therapy, it was just her. I too thought she was showing characteristics of being bipolar and hoped to find an answer. But I had my doubts since she doesn’t open up easily so I didn’t think therapy would work if she wasn’t willing to participate in conversation. But of course the therapist said it took a long time to get through to her and get her to talk. This is when she started learning so much about herself.. here I am shocked that a 37 year old doesn’t know themselves and needed a therapist to unlock all that. As a secure person who can keep myself happy and control my own emotions, I didn’t realize that other people couldn’t and I didn’t realize that “stonewalling” was an unconscious behavior rather than a direct choice to not communicate. I agree with you, it’s not just FA attachment and it’s SO much more. Personally, I think it’s a combination of MANY things that caused my ex to go through her midlife crisis. The therapist said she had two recent traumatic events involving an aunt and cousin (overnight random death and cancer in the span of a month) about 5 months ago and that triggered her to think about her own life and where she’s at and how she’s not where she wants to be. After the therapist session, she exploded on me and told me she wanted a divorce. She started listing so many reasons of what bothers her about me, none that made sense! She said I was controlling with our finances and yet I’ve always asked her to partake but she never does. For god’s sake, she’s an accountant and I’m handling all our finances, bills, and coordination. I thought marrying an accountant would relieve me of that duty. She told me that her parents and I hold her back from growing up by doing everything for her. I’m dumbfounded by this statement as I never held her back, I assumed she was lazy, so I handled it all myself thinking this is what she wanted since she didn’t want to partake. Every day she would come home from work and spend an immense amount of time on her phone, so much to the point of insomnia and headaches, but wouldn’t put the phone/internet down. She starting rambling off a lot of reasons why she couldn’t stay with me.. I somehow became the enemy in her mind. Everything I did had malicious intent in her mind and was skewed to be with such hate. At this point I was afraid to speak because I couldn’t reason/communicate with her and everything I said would just make things worse. She also told me she had fallen out of love with me and it’s been going on for 2+ years. That one crushed me because it, the divorce, and wanting to date other people came out of nowhere. The therapist gave her the idea that maybe we got together while we were too young. I was her first long term relationship, ever, and she did impulsively propose to me within a year of dating. An engagement that I dragged out until our 7th year since I have boundaries of not marrying people I just met. I came to the conclusion that she didn’t explore enough and maybe she needed that. But I can’t let her explore to see if the grass is greener on the other side and just wait here as a backup or when she’s ready to settle down. My ex also had so many “projects” she wanted to do.. she wanted to start reselling on ebay as a side hustle (why, I’m not sure since we make good money) but I supported it and had some things that I wanted to sell. She wanted to learn to wrap the car.. she wanted to start doing crafts with a glue gun, she wanted to do sooo much. And I said, go ahead. She would always buy everything she needed to get started but never follow through or actually start at all. She talks the talk but never walks the walk. So coupled with her FA attachment, she has a “failure to launch” syndrome with a laziness trait that I knew from day one. The failure to launch is her inability to grow up and learn responsibility, encounter hardships, etc. She’s used to everything being done for her, accuses us of holding her down, yet doesn’t want to step up and be independent. It’s an endless loop that I can’t help her with. She has to want to do it herself to break the cycle. Right now, she’s over at her parents as well.. with a mother she despises, but now telling me how grateful she is to be surrounded by these people. Also doing the exact same thing she did with me, which is staring at the phone all day. She had also taken an interest in Buddhism, reading books which she never does, before she left. She repeatedly tells me how she wants to grow up and become more independent and that she’s not going to let herself revert back to having her parents do everything for her. But again, she talks a lot and doesn’t walk, she needs to really want to do this for herself. Or she needs a swift kick in the butt and go out to live on her own in an effort to accelerate this process. Trust me, I didn’t want to throw 14 years down the drain either. But I do own a property in a high cost of living state from the 2008 recession that was acquired 5 years before marriage. Her want for independence requires money and she’s always felt entitled to things in life.. so she’s trying to extort me for money and the house (even though I make 2x as much as her and can fully support myself). I will literally save more money without her since I spent so much trying to make her happy. So I need to divorce her before she tries to take everything I worked so hard for. But I do care about her.. so I’m leaving her a very generous amount of cash to continue her therapy as it seems she has a lot to work on. But she wants more.. so I have no choice but to protect myself and not lose everything I worked so hard for. I mean, at this point, she wants to date other people (even though she says she no longer wants to and is working on herself), she wants a divorce, she doesn’t want to partake in couple’s therapy, I’m the enemy (even though everyone can see how much I loved her), but she also says I’m the best thing to ever happen to her (the hold/cold FA). It may take her years to work through this to clearly see me and to figure herself out. I can’t lose my shelter waiting for that to possibly happen. I think your wife really needs to seek therapy but as with mine, the outcome may not be what you want. She won’t resolve herself on her own, or it might take a really long time. You might have to accept that a divorce is what she really wants as she figures herself out. She’ll teeter back and forth about it but I guess as long as she’s not trying to “see what’s out there” then you’d have a better chance to fix it then I did. At this point, I love her enough to let her go and do what makes her happy. She will most likely wind up regretting it when she comes to her senses.. but it’s a life experience she’ll need to go through.

[@harukakaioh21]

@@brandon42054 Man, really.. your situation feels a lot like mine. Mine started in Japan.. what I’m calling the “catalyst/turning point” moment for my soon to be ex wife (no kids though). She was hot/cold (more hot) in japan, the same as she’s been for YEARS but usually she’s happy on a vacation so I do my best to take her on many trips a year (2 international and 1 domestic). But this trip/japan was different, she was not happy and the “high” she usually got from trips faded so quickly after returning home. I’m secure, a giver, and go getter.. so I did everything for her and tried to get her everything she wanted to keep her happy. I was tired of coming home from work only to deal with her being angry/sad/emotional. And it was always extremes of anger and sadness, nothing in between.. it was mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. So as secure, I wanted to resolve it but she never wanted to talk about her feelings, so I resorted to asking her what she wanted to do or eat or buy - anything that she wanted to make her happy. It was always a temporary fix, and she would get the little highs from it but each high started to fade faster and faster each time. I felt like I was losing the battle and accepted that this is the way she is and there’s nothing I can do to help her. She decided on her own to go to therapy which at this point I was willing to try anything, but it wasn’t a couples therapy, it was just her. I too thought she was showing characteristics of being bipolar and hoped to find an answer. But I had my doubts since she doesn’t open up easily so I didn’t think therapy would work if she wasn’t willing to participate in conversation. But of course the therapist said it took a long time to get through to her and get her to talk. This is when she started learning so much about herself.. here I am shocked that a 37 year old doesn’t know themselves and needed a therapist to unlock all that. As a secure person who can keep myself happy and control my own emotions, I didn’t realize that other people couldn’t and I didn’t realize that “stonewalling” was an unconscious behavior rather than a direct choice to not communicate. I agree with you, it’s not just FA attachment and it’s SO much more. Personally, I think it’s a combination of MANY things that caused my ex to go through her midlife crisis. The therapist said she had two recent traumatic events involving an aunt and cousin (overnight random death and cancer in the span of a month) about 5 months ago and that triggered her to think about her own life and where she’s at and how she’s not where she wants to be. After the therapist session, she exploded on me and told me she wanted a divorce. She started listing so many reasons of what bothers her about me, none that made sense! She said I was controlling with our finances and yet I’ve always asked her to partake but she never does. For god’s sake, she’s an accountant and I’m handling all our finances, bills, and coordination. I thought marrying an accountant would relieve me of that duty. She told me that her parents and I hold her back from growing up by doing everything for her. I’m dumbfounded by this statement as I never held her back, I assumed she was lazy, so I handled it all myself thinking this is what she wanted since she didn’t want to partake. Every day she would come home from work and spend an immense amount of time on her phone, so much to the point of insomnia and headaches, but wouldn’t put the phone/internet down. She starting rambling off a lot of reasons why she couldn’t stay with me.. I somehow became the enemy in her mind. Everything I did had malicious intent in her mind and was skewed to be with such hate. At this point I was afraid to speak because I couldn’t reason/communicate with her and everything I said would just make things worse. She also told me she had fallen out of love with me and it’s been going on for 2+ years. That one crushed me because it, the divorce, and wanting to date other people came out of nowhere. The therapist gave her the idea that maybe we got together while we were too young. I was her first long term relationship, ever, and she did impulsively propose to me within a year of dating. An engagement that I dragged out until our 7th year since I have boundaries of not marrying people I just met. I came to the conclusion that she didn’t explore enough and maybe she needed that. But I can’t let her explore to see if the grass is greener on the other side and just wait here as a backup or when she’s ready to settle down. My ex also had so many “projects” she wanted to do.. she wanted to start reselling on ebay as a side hustle (why, I’m not sure since we make good money) but I supported it and had some things that I wanted to sell. She wanted to learn to wrap the car.. she wanted to start doing crafts with a glue gun, she wanted to do sooo much. And I said, go ahead. She would always buy everything she needed to get started but never follow through or actually start at all. She talks the talk but never walks the walk. So coupled with her FA attachment, she has a “failure to launch” syndrome with a laziness trait that I knew from day one. The failure to launch is her inability to grow up and learn responsibility, encounter hardships, etc. She’s used to everything being done for her, accuses us of holding her down, yet doesn’t want to step up and be independent. It’s an endless loop that I can’t help her with. She has to want to do it herself to break the cycle. Right now, she’s over at her parents as well.. with a mother she despises, but now telling me how grateful she is to be surrounded by these people. Also doing the exact same thing she did with me, which is staring at the phone all day. She had also taken an interest in Buddhism, reading books which she never does, before she left. She repeatedly tells me how she wants to grow up and become more independent and that she’s not going to let herself revert back to having her parents do everything for her. But again, she talks a lot and doesn’t walk, she needs to really want to do this for herself. Or she needs a swift kick in the butt and go out to live on her own in an effort to accelerate this process. Trust me, I didn’t want to throw 14 years down the drain either. But I do own a property in a high cost of living state from the 2008 recession that was acquired 5 years before marriage. Her want for independence requires money and she’s always felt entitled to things in life.. so she’s trying to extort me for money and the house (even though I make 2x as much as her and can fully support myself). I will literally save more money without her since I spent so much trying to make her happy. So I need to divorce her before she tries to take everything I worked so hard for. But I do care about her.. so I’m leaving her a very generous amount of cash to continue her therapy as it seems she has a lot to work on. But she wants more.. so I have no choice but to protect myself and not lose everything I worked so hard for. I mean, at this point, she wants to date other people (even though she says she no longer wants to and is working on herself), she wants a divorce, she doesn’t want to partake in couple’s therapy, I’m the enemy (even though everyone can see how much I loved her), but she also says I’m the best thing to ever happen to her (the hold/cold FA). It may take her years to work through this to clearly see me and to figure herself out. I can’t lose my shelter waiting for that to possibly happen. I think your wife really needs to seek therapy but as with mine, the outcome may not be what you want. She won’t resolve herself on her own, or it might take a really long time. You might have to accept that a divorce is what she really wants as she figures herself out. She’ll teeter back and forth about it but I guess as long as she’s not trying to “see what’s out there” then you’d have a better chance to fix it then I did. At this point, I love her enough to let her go and do what makes her happy. She will most likely wind up regretting it when she comes to her senses.. but it’s a life experience she’ll need to go through.

[@harukakaioh21]

@brandon42054 hey, how's it going? She still doing the same thing at her parents? You practicing no contact? Has she gone to therapy? I've reflected a lot on my simular situation as well. I agree it's more than FA. It's "failure to launch" syndrome, it's a bit of narcissism now, failure to communicate, lack of responsibility growing up (parents did eveyrthing for her), afraid of failure, and a ton of low self esteem. None of which I can help her with. It's like she stood still in time and never grew in her 20s and now in her late 30s is going through a midlife crisis. But still distracting herself rather than reflecting on her emotions.

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

Thais, can you please start monitoring your comments and maybe put a disclaimer pop up before people can reply to someone? I watch a lot of different channels who do this and it creates a much healthier environment. We're trying to share our story freely and then you have people jumping on saying extremely rude and uncalled for comments. I've asked this before and others have agreed. It doesn't feel like a safe environment to speak at all. I know we can disagree, but allowing vitriol is not okay.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hello, Thank you for sharing this helpful feedback and we're sorry to hear that has been your experience. Rest assured we will look into solving this for our community/audience on KZbin. Our moderators who monitor comments always strive to ensure that we are creating a safe environment for everyone. This is our number 1 intention and hope that we can change this around for you! Kindly let us know if you have any questions and should you require any further support feel free to contact us anytime at: [e-mail] ❤

[@r_and_a]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool these have been suggested many times (i've even done it more than once) & yet the comment section keeps getting more toxic which is incredibly frustrating as pds is one of the few places actually offering compassionate insight into DAs & FAs while encouraging *all* work on their *own "personal* development at the very least making a pop-up for guidelines would be good as i've also had exchanges with people who understandably say they're wary of trying the paid portion of pds considering the vitriol allowed in these comment sections. also, it's easy to click on profiles & see many, if not most, who leave negative comments re DAs are *only* doing that

[@AprilSunshine]

Please god no. 😂