Do Not Move In With Him Before Marriage

[@veautyfull]

I remember being at a birthday dinner and one of the girls brought up her recent breakup… I guess her bf had moved in with her and didn’t help w rent, utilities, groceries etc. So I asked her, why was he living with you in the first place? The entire table got quiet. I wasn’t invited to another birthday dinner but I still stand on what I said lol 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@HHCF713]

😂😂girl we are the same. Those are the type of women that look at you crazy when you tell them to leave them before they moved in and you are labeled a hater. Then months later, they want to cry on your shoulder. 😂

[@TrueAlpha100]

Can we be friends?

[@Nitra813]

Not them uninviting you 😅 they don’t want peace only problems. Theyre loss. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@charde9739]

That’s been one of my rules. Don’t come to me telling me all your drama if you don’t want me to tell you all the solutions.

[@shivanipde]

@@HHCF713 exactly some women think we are jealous when stating the obvious

[@soapgirlsrule]

Fun fact: you don't need to live with someone to know if they are messy.

[@rene3759]

fun fact people can pretend to be someone else infront of others. there are obviously messy people and then there are actors in this world, we will role play to get a person. also it is not just the messiness it is also demands and expectations of the person, it is also their daily routine, it is also their habits, it is also how they react to you and treat you in a household. I am not intrested in becoming one of those married single women who are trapped in marriages because they just believed in words and performances of men.

[@stephb1221]

Yeah once someone gets comfortable (usually doesn’t take long), the mask slips pretty fast. What’s underneath isn’t always pretty lol

[@crestfire8008]

@@rene3759 fun fact, you don't have to go live with someone for months to know their true self. Just go traveling somewhere with them and you will see their true self come out

[@vrichards4363]

And the chances of you getting pregnant increase when y'all live together. Be careful.

[@seabreeze4559]

they microwave the pill

[@manifest2203]

And men are known to baby trap.

[@Melly16yr10]

​@@seabreeze4559Microwave, Why?

[@queenofluna]

​@@seabreeze4559lmao what

[@4ElementGirl]

Microwaving the pill makes it ineffective apparently is a common rumor. @@queenofluna

[@Mrs.BrieTurner]

I moved in with my husband the day we got married! He moved across the country to live in the same city as me and we didn’t live together. He got his own place and worked until he proposed. Then we found a home we both liked and he moved in. While planning our wedding i moved things into the home but didn’t physically move in until we got married. I have no regrets! It also made marriage exciting! We had so much to look forward to because we didn’t live together beforehand

[@CyberSecurityFashionDesigner]

Beautiful

[@SA-su7kq]

I always say this! The ladies who do this are usually waiting for a ring for 4+ yrs and wonder why he's taking so long... He has the cow, no need to buy milk.

[@PrettyEyesz]

I always knew this, and was always against living with a mate before marriage. I'm glad people are finally being honest about this.

[@mitsukislife]

For the people saying you need to test drive, why can’t you pack a suitcase and stay with the man for one month while still keeping your place just in case? I’m sorry but I’m not living with any man before marriage, that’s jokes.

[@kathyalex778]

I don’t want to put myself in a position of having sex before marriage and potentially getting pregnant before marriage 🤷‍♀️ so yeah, definitely a good idea to keep your own place

[@tulip811]

Yeah better marry who ever tf he pretends to be

[@michellekholmatov9562]

@@kathyalex778it’s not bad if you find someone who doesn’t hate you. My mother did that with me and my dad married her when I was like two.

[@Momo-po5tn]

Right im not playing house with anyone

[@LM-he7eb]

I'd absolutely do this. Stay with him for 20 weeks, while renting out my place. Then move back after 20 weeks. But, I don't want to get married ever; so my take may be skewed.

[@taesoolovely6495]

Living with him only makes you in-house 😺 while he goes out chasing alley cat 😺....

[@tulip811]

He won't stop just because he married you

[@manifest2203]

So true 👏👏

[@manifest2203]

And you are the free surrogate, free maid and his new mommy.

[@rene3759]

when you are married the same remains. It is almost as if it is the morals and quality of the man that prevents cheating not wether you are married to him or not. IF he wants to cheat he will cheat, nothing you can do stop. Also you can stay celibate when living together. THis can also prove his self control, respect for you and also morals. it can also show if he is marriend you just to get in house services and sex. Like it or not some men just marry so they can have easy free access to sex and your marriage will have it's foundation in your sex life ie his acces to your body and his attraction to you. IF that changes for any reason in the future ie sickness, kids, workload, stress your marriage will tremble and or break. If your marriage is not foundent on mutual respect and honor towards eachother then friendship and love it will be hard for you, sex only ever be the cherry on top of the marriage cake never the the foundation or the icing even or the platform it stands on.

[@klaudinegarcia8932]

😂😂😂😂

[@sonofhibbs4425]

I ABSOLUTELY agree. For all the reasons given, PLUS, I’ve had too many of these guys hit on me while they are cohabitating. They ARE putting you on ‘reserve’. And they will play the field while doing so. That man WILL cheat on you because they think you’re totally ok with being used.

[@dollhouseq1530]

I knew a couple that was living together 13 years. He gave her a shut up ring but also made it clear he would NEVER marry her. He had an outside baby plus several flings. I can't call them affairs since she has no claim to a mere "boyfriend". I'll stay single first...

[@kathyalex778]

Men don’t take seriously what the don’t invest in. when you allow him to move in before marriage he won’t see you as anything more than a roomie or buddy who cooks and cleans for free

[@biblethumper8088]

​@@kathyalex778right, if he got you for free, he will disrespect you. I don't know or care what men want, but women should make males prove themselves before giving them their body.

[@seabreeze4559]

benching like a football player

[@seabreeze4559]

I told a guy his cheating girlfriend wasn't cheating because they weren't married and he went mental on me. Like, it's only adultery if you're married. @@dollhouseq1530 She was FREE to LEAVE.

[@maenad1231]

I’ve been saying I would never move in with a man who wasn’t seriously trying to marry me since I was teenager lol

[@corimoon3360]

Girl not the Aro Volturi pfp. 💀

[@nicorriesanders]

🗣️ I have done this twice and I don't think I will ever do it again without being married. I gave wifely duties and I wasn't a wife. I will not give so much of myself again. I almost repeated this pattern and GOD slapped me so hard across my head. Everything fell apart and I couldn't understand why but I now understand that he was protecting me.

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

I cohabitated with my husband before we married and it worked out really well for us. We’ve adapted within marriage to fulfill marital responsibilities but cohabitating was good for us to transition into marriage.

[@RepentImmediately]

If you're a woman with wealth, protecting yourself means refraining from getting married.

[@kathyalex778]

Some people want to have children and don’t want to be 40+ in age living alone

[@biblethumper8088]

​@@kathyalex778if you want to have children, then sleeping with a boy means you want to be a single mother.

[@coolcat3452]

A good recent example is Keke Palmer baby daddy!!!….don’t marry down!!!

[@burmessafox3939]

Just get a prenup

[@kiterafrey]

A prenup doesn't protect your sanity, though. A lot of men act okay with successful women but it actually bothers them deep down. I've seen a lot of women I work with, I work in law, have their husbands stressing them out at home, being toxic, passive aggressive, sticking them with the kids even though they have the most money and hardest job. A prenup doesn't stop that and how it hinders your career. @@burmessafox3939

[@gravityclarity]

You don’t need to live together to know what it’s like to live with someone. You can simply sleep over each other’s places for periods of time. Even then, you have to be careful because if you live with someone, even when not married, it can be considered a common law marriage. And NEVER let a man move into your place! Always keep your own place separate!

[@abigailamoah5555]

I'm 27 turning 28 soon nd seriously I don't even want marriage nor stay with a man in the same house. I'm not interested one bit

[@chocobere]

If a man is a lousy partner, whether you live with him before getting married, or wait til after you're married, he will still be lousy.

[@emme2141]

Yes but if he is a good partner before you live together, he can still become a bad one after you live together, whether you are married or not.

[@rene3759]

agreee to both of you and both of you are right. If feel people are focusing too much on the lables and not enough on quality of the man. because these entire situatons are not a problem if you are with a good man, what needs to be figured out is your own systems of checking, testing and getting to know the quality of the man. @@emme2141

[@GabrielaMeredith]

As someone who works in the court system and has seen plenty of divorces play out. Living together before marriage means nothing. I don’t live with the people that are being divorced and in a small interaction I can identity their toxic traits. It doesn’t take all of that to figure out who a person is. The thing is, is that we’re so desperate to be married that we overlook the signs and think they’ll change. Think of it this way. You know your ratchet home girl is ratchet. You don’t need to do more than go on a trip or hang out with her a few times to figure her out. why would marriage be any different? In fact the couples that I’ve seen live together or dated to years tend to be the ones getting divorced the fastest (some studies show couples that cohabitate before marriage have a 13-48% divorce rate).

[@Priscilla_Boye]

Thank you for sharing 😊

[@seabreeze4559]

this is benching, men do it with good girls while they cavort with bad girls too, thinking they can come back to the good girls later @@Priscilla_Boye

[@helgaioannidis9365]

As someone who studied a social science at university, the factors "religion" and "social control" should be controlled in this case. Religious people and people who live in an environment where divorce is frowned upon usually do not tend to live together before marriage. They also tend to not report abuse from a partner and to avoid getting a divorce even when the abuse is bad. So the divorce rate doesn't tell us how many and which people are having a good marriage, it it just tells us how many people get divorced. If we want to know how many people of which type have a happy marriage, that's much more difficult to evaluate than a divorce rate, because you actually need to talk to every single person in your sample and if you want the study to really be valid you even would need to observe interactions between the couple over a longer time period and check their overall health and longevity.

[@SR-kz9un]

I tell ppl (all the time) not to move in with their partner b4 marriage and they look at me as if I'm an idiot.

[@757Princess]

People move in for financial reasons.

[@kathyalex778]

@@757Princess maybe in the short term..long term the woman typically gets fed up and frustrated over wasting her time and energy

[@biblethumper8088]

​@@757Princessyou can move in with a friend or sibling to save money. No need to degrade yourself for finances.

[@seabreeze4559]

cohabitation dissolution is extremely high, it's not even divorce

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

Easier to dissolve cohabitation than divorce a man who is masking 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@thinkinginn7443]

I think extended stay overs and dating far before considering moving in together can give you some insights as to how he is as a person short of actually living with him. Other key things: 1) I’d advise that your partner should have experience living on their own in some capacity (if he’s never left his mom/family’s house there’s an increased probability he grown accustomed to other people, usually women, picking up the slack for him). Also having some experience living on his own would mitigate a lot of discussions about household duties, bills, etc.. Be wary if he never has. 2) Never ‘need’ to move in together. Also, be wary of moving into one or another’s apartment. There’s always a female roommate, relative or some other way to solve your living situation. Moving in under duress or crisis is never a good idea. Also if your partner ‘needs’ to move in with you because his friends and family won’t house him, that’s a red flag. They don’t want him to live with them for a very, very good reason. Especially his male friends, as men tend to have solidarity thresholds for ALOT of behavior they see other men do. 3) If/when you do move in together, always have savings set to the side in case you need to move BACK out. And don’t tell him, and never use it for any other emergency unless it’s a last resort. Moving in together means you share a lot of expenses, and if things go south you want to have the ability to leave when it’s time to leave, and ASAP. I’ve seen too many dynamics where the girl should’ve left sooner and then tried to save up to move later, only for the toxic bf to thwart her efforts to get her either to stay or stay legally obligated for the apartment/house. Never, ever tell him you have that savings for that purpose. Put it in a different account altogether if you think you’ll ever make a joint account or openly share and disclose finances. Lastly, your preferences for when you want to move in should be respected. If a guy mentions moving in together sooner than you’re comfortable with, and you communicate as such, watch what he does. If he likes you and respects you, he’ll meet you at your pace and respect your decision. If he tries to high pressure you, coerce you, argue your points to ‘win’, or pulls/threatens to pull away, then he’s not the one. This also applies if you move in together and there’s a sudden shift in his behavior. If you notice clear disrespect, negligence, hostility, or controlling behavior, that’s a red flag. Some men who don’t have the best of intentions for you (NPD, Abusers, etc.) won’t let their mask slip UNTIL a relationship milestone has occurred. This includes becoming official, living together, getting engaged, or getting pregnant. Hence why the secret savings is needed, and why your standards for treatment shouldn’t have exceptions. Side note: If possible, try to always move to a place that can be afforded on one person’s income. Preferably yours. If (and it’s very possible) you need to kick him out, or he up and leaves, you’re left holding the bag of the lease and possible penalties for breaking early if you leave. Also from a pure financial stance it’d be better if either of you lost a job for a moment or have another financial strain.

[@arielaava2102]

I love your dating tips. Can you please share more general life advice you live by. It would be interesting to read it.

[@thinkinginn7443]

@@arielaava2102 A few things I keep in mind is that 90% of men who marry their partners admit that they knew they were going to marry that woman LONG before they actually proposed, usually within 3-6 months of dating. Psychology studies shows that most people come to a mental decision as to whether someone is good long term partner material within 3-6 months of dating. And when men like/love a woman, they make it abundantly clear and don’t put themselves in a position to lose her, such as not fulfilling her needs/wants within their abilities, bringing her strife, etc. Men are also more stubborn in changing their option or beliefs on subjects and people even with time and new information. On the flip side, men can and will low effort date women they aren’t interested in to pass time because they’d rather do that then be alone compared to women. What this all means as a woman dating is, regardless of what a man tells you, he’s going to or has come to the decision as to your place in his life in 3-6 months of dating you mentally. If you are long term partner or marriage minded, these facts will help you navigate dating with the ruthless understanding that most men you’re getting to know will have made that decision within that window. How he treats and talks to you, and whether those two align, boils it down to either he sees you as long term or he doesn’t. If he says he can see you two being a couple but is reluctant to call you his girlfriend, it’s a no. If he says ‘let’s see where this goes’ and you’ve been dating for 7 months, it’s a no. If he’s hesitant on losing his ‘freedom’ but doesn’t want you dating around, it’s a no. If he claims he doesn’t see the point in marriage, it’s not an opportunity to audition to change his mind. If he makes you feel like a side chick in his life, it’s a no. If he claims he loves you but refuses to do any physical or romantic gesture that validates that ‘love’, and yes this is a shot at anti-valentines day bfs, it’s a no. This line of thinking will help you focus more on a finding man that has genuine focus, interest, love and care for you and is a well rounded individual . At the same time, you will not give much space or grace to men who do not have the same interests as you, even if they try to hide their ulterior motives with ambiguity, evasion, or straight up lying. The last info about men dating women they don’t even like will also help you not feel bad for cutting them off, because you’re not someone’s placeholder, therapist, 😺access, or mommy. You don’t have to give him an ultimatum because if he liked you enough to date you seriously, he’d make it official in that window. That window is your deadline to see, vet(continue to vet after tho, see previous comment), and ascertain if his interest in you is genuine. If he isn’t in a rush, or rather, is hesitant to be serious after or during that window , he doesn’t want to be with you in the same way. No excuses. Oh and lastly, when you’re single, you’re single until spoken for. Don’t give gf/wife privileges to a man that isn’t your bf/husband.

[@Nwakaego_]

You give great advice. Thank you!

[@bodhisattva2348]

The apple music subcription guy had me cackling on the floor 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣I've never heard someone put it into perspective that way though

[@Otherwise88]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something. Seems like the advice is to avoid moving in because living with him might suck...but the alternative is to marry a guy who it sucks to live with?

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

Yah that’s what I avoided by cohabitating with my now husband 😂

[@kikijewell2967]

Don't drive together with a man to an event. This is a smaller scale issue, but I knew my friend wanted to drive together, and he offered to drive. Here was my thinking: If he drives, I'm trapped and have to get him to leave if I want to leave early, so...yeah. No. So I drove. But then I did want to leave and he was having a good time, and though he agreed to leave whenever I was ready, it took a bit before he was ready to leave. You trap yourself into a situation where you depend on a man. And the world is male-centered - men are enculturated to be self-centered. You do not control the situation in either case. (For moving in: you aren't in control either - whether you move into his place or he moves into yours.)

[@themissmay]

Me and my ex were long distance and without even talking about it he assumed that if he moved closer to me we would live together. Just automatically assumed without even talking to me. And that means live in my apartment. When I told him that I didn’t wanna live with anyone for a long time even if he moved here he said well I couldn’t make it work if we didn’t live together. If you can’t support yourself anywhere you go then you should reevaluate your life. There’s no way in hell I’m going to have a man who cannot survive without me. I’ve lived alone financially independent with expensive rent in this apartment for eight years what makes you think I would let you have a piece of that pie. Dumped HIM.

[@missesLMA]

I think it just highly depends on the couple. My husband and I are both African, from the same country where cohabiting is a no no. We moved in together less than a year into being together because both of our families lived a continent away and we felt like we were home to each other. We are also both introverts and didn’t feel comfortable going to each other’s places since we were both had roommates. He provided largely financially but would help out around the house too🤷🏽‍♀️ we’ve been married for 6 years now and going strong. In the meantime our friends that didn’t cohabit before marriage are getting divorced left right and centre. Not gonna conclude that moving in after marriage is bad based on our surroundings but it’s similarly dumb to say everyone that cohabitates is destined to fail.

[@viviennedunbar3374]

I think you are the exception that proves the rule - it can work out, but it’s rare.

[@misspriss2482]

Of course cohabitation isn't destined to fail. It's just not the best choice for most women who want to get married. That has been statistically proven.

[@deniciadarling5611]

Cohabitation isn't the problem; it's the partners we choose. I 've seen this time and time again. Whether they chose to cohabitate beforehand or not, women I've known who chose their partners wisely feel happy and supported in their relationships/marriages, and the ones who chose poorly were misused and abused and either divorced or feel stuck in a bad relationship or a vulnerable financial situation. Chosing to cohabitate or not has little to do w it. If you choose someone who loves, appreciates, and respects you, sees you as an equal, and wants to add value to your life, you're far less likely to run into the problems discussed in this video.

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

Same here as an American citizen. Different strokes for different folks. But I refused to marry my husband unless I felt 💯 comfortable living with him. I refused to be his maid. I knew he was a keeper as he took care of himself and the apartment, too! Too many horror stories of men who immediately change when you’re married/move in together. As a lawyer I knew it’s easier to break up than it is to divorce lol

[@thedustysocietycrimes]

3:52 If you believe your man will do this to you then you don't need to be dating him, living together or not. And definitely don't marry him if you think it's a scam to live with him while you're dating.

[@vrichards4363]

It's not about believing. It's about proving. He needs to prove that he is prepared.

[@biblethumper8088]

​@@vrichards4363he can prove himself from outside.

[@RepentImmediately]

I'm honestly surprised there are still women who aspire to be married.

[@bodhisattva2348]

😂so true

[@TIAOFNEBULA]

The desire dies a little everyday.

[@bodhisattva2348]

@@TIAOFNEBULA until they file for divorce 🤣

[@jazz19198]

Exactly they act like marriage is something special these days. Most marriages still en up in divorce regardless. I think people should do what works for them

[@aurora8749]

I cannot think of a single benefit. I am stressed out enough without having to do extra work cleaning up after a man and being controlled by them. I want to be able to relax in my own home not be on edge worrying if I did something he doesn't like. I had a "good" man and I remember when we talked about him moving in because his lease was up I felt scared it would ruin our relationship. He was a clean freak and I was clean to but he was ridiculously anal and showered three times a day kinda anal. We both ultimately decided not to and I think the realization that we didn't want to live together was the beginning of the end. I've since lived with men who have lower standards and that's even worse so either way living with men sounds awful

[@helgaioannidis9365]

Imagine you move in with your partner and find out he's disrespectful. What do you do? You move out. Now imagine you get married to your partner and find out he's disrespectful. What do you do? Get a divorce. I personally think moving out is far less stress than a divorce. And God beware you find out he's disrespectful after getting pregnant. Nightmare!!!

[@nailahdawkins]

Okay, but when you get "installed" as an appliance in that apartment like Judge Lynn Toler from old school 'Divorce Court' says, don't say 💩! Nobody should cohabit or shack up before marriage. Check out Psychology Today or IF Studies by searching 'Premarital cohabitation is still associated with greater odds of divorce". Hopefully you mindset gets enlightened. Don't think you can outsmart research 😅💯!

[@helgaioannidis9365]

@alexcruz8457 yes, some do. But I dare say often there are signs already in the beginning.

[@jasminer66788]

It depends on the man. My parents lived together before marriage and have been with each other for 31 years and my mom has never had to work or do much.

[@jazz19198]

Why do y’all act like marriage will make anything better?if a man is trash he will be trash regardless of of a title

[@maichai13]

Depends...I moved in with my bf in a new apartment, then we got engaged and bought a house before marriage. Now we are married. I think living with a partner gives u insight to how they really are. How clean or messy they are. How they are with money. The one caveat is that I have my own so I could and can leave at any time. I'm not dependent. So I don't recommend moving in if you don't have the money to leave if things go bad.

[@biblethumper8088]

How can you leave if you bought a house together?

[@maichai13]

@@biblethumper8088 if worse came to worse I have the money buy a condo or rent an apartment and escape, and just let the house go. You can recover from a foreclosure esp if you plan. Plus the credit hit is worse than staying with a dangerous person and they kill you or your kids. My husband is a sweet heart, but I will always be prepared just in case. Never put anything past anyone Is what my mom and my own life has taught me.

[@GabrielaMeredith]

@@biblethumper8088people act like you can’t find all of that out during dating. I can find out my friends bad habits without living with them, why do you need to uproot yourself to see the obvious?

[@kiterafrey]

It really just depends on the couple. I lived with my husband before married for 2 years before we got engaged and 1 year while engaged. I entered the relationship not wanting to ever get married but he made me realize I could spend the rest of my life with someone and then he proposed. We've been happily married for 2 years now. In total we've been together since 2016, starting as just friends for 1 year, dating living apart for a year, and the rest you already read above.

[@faethe000]

Men change after you start living together. I want to know how and what those changes will be before we do something like getting married.

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

Yes - I was the one who wanted to live together first and no regrets. Happily married now.

[@j.munday7913]

Mine kept the mask on until we got married. Just be wary either way and be able to leave.

[@Nitra813]

I moved in with my husband the day after we married. I highly suggest going to couples counseling to find out all those tough details and have those much needed discussions about each of your expectations prior engagement or marriage and especially moving in together. Yup my husband turned out to be a slob but we had already discussed expectations through extensive counseling prior to marriage. He knows not to expect me to pick up after him. If he wants peace then he has to create that peaceful environment by doing his part in cleaning. Communication and get accountability, not need to move in with one another to find out.

[@deniciadarling5611]

Context is everything. With the exception of one, every woman I'm friends with who lived with their boyfriends got married to them. The key in all of these relationships though was that no one moved in as a trial and no party was a narcissist. Each couple was deeply committed to each other, treated each other as equals/partners and wanted to spend all their time together while saving for their desired life and marriage celebration. One of the married friends said that even though she and her husband lived together before marriage it still felt very different after marriage and now they enjoy an even deeper kind of closeness and different way of feeling in the world with their relationship being legally official. Of course there is the one friend who moved in with her boyfriend and provides all domestic and wifely duties while he seems content to neither think about marriage nor offer much help in the home, and is stoked about all the free time he enjoys at her expense. So yeah context of the realtionship is everything...

[@conigliana]

there's also a study done on this and couples who live together before they marry tend to divorce on much higher rates.

[@ajgjngfthyfbk7564]

This is actually a well-known example of faulty interpretation of statistics. Couples who get married before ever living together are much more frequently from a conservative/religious background, where divorce rates are overall lower, as divorce is still more socially frowned upon/uncommon in these cultural groups. Whereas couples who live together before marriage are less likely to prioritize marriage/staying married to someone who may not be a good match, to the same degree. They may not even necessarily plan on getting married in the foreseeable future - it's often s convenience thing to move in together. Its expensive out there.

[@tulip811]

People don't divorce for fun, they marry for fun

[@stephyworld8713]

The only way I would live with a BF is he gotta pay ALLA THE BILLLLLSSSS😩🗣️🗣️🗣️AND Give me an allowance too so I can save ALL my money 💵. If the relationship goes left I'm losing nothing, my bank account fatter, my skin clear from beauty treatments, zero stress aging me, ready to bounce to a better one lol. And in any case, he would have invested too much money to not marry. Be smart ladies

[@luckylucy1921]

DON’T LIVE WITH HIM!!DON’T MARRY HIM!!!

[@FearfullyandWonderfullyMade.]

Guard your heart, life flows from it.

[@Hebe-ek1ul]

I am a woman and would 100% test drive. I want to know what I'm signing up for. If I don't like living with you, I will not want to marry you. Obviously, if your goal is marriage, then this 'come we stay' agreement (as we call it in my country) should have a time limit. I support every women's decision all the same.

[@monas]

The chances of him wanting to marry you after years of test driving you while living together is slim. He already have you so why bother marry you.

[@tulip811]

​@@monasthanks for proving that love is a delusion

[@monas]

@@tulip811 Im telling you reality. Some men might marry you after you live with him but often it might be after 7 years after you gave him kids and you nagging him to marry you. Along with others whispering about how he ain't marrying you.

[@Hebe-ek1ul]

@@monas You purposefully ignored the mention of a time limit to spew your nonsense. Obviously, (I was hoping it was obvious), 7 years of cohabitating without marrying is unwise for women who wish to marry.

[@monas]

@@Hebe-ek1ul So how many guys are you gonna go live with and test drive you to find your husband? Lol

[@magnarcreed3801]

Na f That. I’m living with them. Some people work out great with distance and others don’t. Also no better way to know if you’ll work than ti live together without being legally tied together. Live together but don’t be his slave. Easy.

[@wolfsisterhowls]

I wish people would stop reciting this statistically disproven lie. Divorce rates are HIGHER in couples who cohabitated before marriage. So if they spent all that time before getting married engaging in "the best way to get to know another person is by living with them" why don't the marriages succeed? Why are they getting married at all since they should already know they're incompatible longterm? This is a lie men told women that we recite. Realistically, men say that because they want no-strings sex on call, no-fee domestic labour, no-limit emotional support and no-hassle separation when they've sucked you dry of everything they wanted and are ready to commit to who they really want. And women buy it because they're too lazy to actually do the hard, uncomfortable, unsexy work of putting a man through his paces prior to a major commitment. So it's a shortcut for everyone involved, only it ends up being a detour statistically speaking. Cohabitation makes courtship lazy because you ASSUME you'll just learn a bunch of stuff without trying and end up learning even less than you could have with a solid, intentional courtship.

[@RoyalPanana]

Moving in is a big step and I wouldn't recommand it before marriage either BUT going on long holidays or staying at each others place for several month prior to marriage is A MUST. People are completely different in the confort of their homes. You won't know unless you spend enough time with them in their most confortable state. Especially considering men are master at pretending to be someone else to get what they want. It takes a lot of time for them to show their true self and you won't know what they truly are if you don't live with them. Before my husband i dated a guy for 3 years, and it's only toward the end of the third year, after we had started living at each others places that I saw his 'secret' face. He was speaking to himself a lot when he thought I was sleeping or not here or when I had my headphones on. And he was saying very gross and distrurbing things. I also saw him do some crazy shit when he wasn't aware I was here. Lots of things I wouldn't have believed or see unless he had gotten confortable. I ran away very quickly once I saw that, and omg the hell he made me go through after that I would never have expected and no one that knew him believed me until I was able to have video proof and get the police involved. Be careful everybody has secret but some people have some crazy ones.

[@denisegore1884]

Don't have his baby before marriage either. Women need to stop doing that. He won't reward you with a ring. you're selling yourself and you child cheap.

[@cafecomspoilers2426]

Dont move in with anybody unless u engage. Period.

[@seabreeze4559]

engagementships are a no

[@arundathirose7563]

So religion was right honestly the whole waiting for marriage for sex and living together is meant to protect women not the other way aaround women are more likely to get attached and men ditch and leave

[@tulip811]

He will also ditch and leave after marriage. Men don't think the same about marriage as women do. Marriage won't change him

[@jenniferhiemstra5228]

Nooooottt really. Keep in mind the religious ideal you're referring to is rooted in harmful purity culture, not a noble ideal of protecting women's wellbeing. If it were, that would mean were in a post feminist world and we certainly aren't as evidenced by the very issues these videos bring up.

[@innocentnemesis3519]

This reminds me of a ex-friend. When I was in uni, I grew close with a girl I worked Sunday shifts at the cafe with. I fell into a situation-ship with a local guy, but as an int’l student, it was what worked at the time (I wasn’t there to find a husband, just to start MY career and life - it was easier to have a fling where all we did was chat and exchange snapchats lol). This girl would constantly give me sht about how poor my self esteem was for not demanding better of him when she herself had never actually had a boyfriend before. Well, lo and behold, she started flirting with a super crunchy “van life” guy who ran a local coffee cart, and it turned into a relationship. She almost immediately moved into his van with him and her self-righteousness about her friends’ relationships only grew. She burned a lot of bridges with people who caught on and eventually refused to be controlled by her. She was the kind of girl who, being raised Muslim, insisted that she was a “virgin saving it for marriage” even though she’d tried or*l and an*l with him… she would do THAT but not even use tampons because it was impure and weird. Like girly, what in the cognitive dissonance? Are all LGBTQ+ people virgins then? lmfao, she was so arrogant when she had *no business* telling her friends how they should navigate their own relationships. Her boyfriend was even a Trump supporter - which was even weirder because this was in the UK during the time of Trump’s Muslim ban… like, hellllooooo? Talk about lacking self respect! But anyway, for other reasons, a year or two passed and I grew in my self confidence and cut off the friendship after something awful she did to me. Eventually, I realized my “friendship” with her was actually a trauma bond with a covert narcissist. The last time I had an update about her, the Panoramic19 was in full swing and a coworker at the cafe was like, “have you seen her insta stories…?” Having blocked her, I had no idea that she’d been posting conspiracy theories nonstop about how 5G was responsible for the Panini19. She’s an a-hole, but I always was worried that she immediately moved in with that piece of trash into his van. He corrupted her more than she already was.

[@subratanandy2142]

I'm not even Muslim , but imagine throwing away your upbringing and religious values ( it's a huge deal for regular Muslims) for a person who opposes your people 😂.

[@tmsupreme7763]

Honestly I think that living together before marriage is a must. The thruth is you don't really know someone until you are forced to interact with eachother every day. It sounds like complete insanity to me to marry before even living together. If I want to marrt someone I want to be sure not to end in divorce.

[@AI-ch3if]

It suffices to observe the relationship dynamics in his family of origin. People tend to become like their parents.

[@theboredprogrammer1114]

I used to think that way when I was single but I reversed so fast because I knew a lot of women who are stuck in this living together situation for years and the dude suddenly broke up with them without reprecussions. The women wasted years of their lives and usually ended up as single moms and the men are usually out of the equation and even in the kids' lives. I didnt want that to happen to me so when I got together with my husband, I got upfront that I want to get married first before moving in with him. The finding out phase was figured out by going on long trips or renting an AirBnb for like a week. 5 years has passed since I got married and I guess it's the best decision I made in my personal life.

[@evilannie8884]

im in the "test trial" camp completely. I do not want to get into a MARRIAGE with a man who on the exterior is a total doll, but once you move in with them you find out ALLLL the dirty secrets shoved in closets. The disgusting habits he thinks you should clean, the issues previously hidden. Even lawyers look for a discovery period before signing contracts/going to court. Why shouldnt we? I was with a man for 7 years, I did marry him despite the warning signs. He became ....different after marriage and I got out with one daughter. Prior to him its always been a good idea to bring to light that we werent a good long term match. Marriage shouldnt be the "AHHA! NOW YOU CANT LEAVE!" it should be a choice that both should WANT to make. You set out the boundaries, the set chores, keep your job and escape route and access to family/friends, etc. How will marriage before moving in change that these men are garbage? The only difference is now its HARDER to leave.

[@theskywasgold]

I disagree. You need to live with someone to really truly get to know them. Which is something you should do before marrying them.

[@monas]

You probably won't get marriage in that case because he is already getting wife benefits when you live with him

[@RepentImmediately]

There's a whole lot you're not gonna know about someone until you live with them.

[@kathyalex778]

And you don’t think you can find out just by dating them for a year or two and getting to know their friends and family? What kind of secrets do you expect to find out? Talk to whomever lives with them or their neighbors to find out what they’re like

[@biblethumper8088]

Not really. Do you sleep with your employees before working for them? So you sleep with the car salesman before buying a car from them? How about the seller of a home? Your resin doesn't make sense.

[@Momo-po5tn]

Not really, if youre dating right.

[@rene3759]

people can lie to other who they are. abusive people can be very good on creating a good woman or good man image in their communities, also their family members and friends will cover for them, they can not be trusted, they will not help you. secrests like they are abusive are a pretty big secret that one should know, and there are many more that could make and break your relationship which is why they are secrets@@kathyalex778

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

So true - different experience going over to my husband’s apartment vs when we moved into our own apartment together. We’re happily married now and own a house together. Too many horror stories of men who just let it all go when a woman lives with him. I’d rather be able to leave a lease than divorce and have to sell a house 😮‍💨 just never commingle finances until you’re married. Basically you’re roommates and you will REALLY get to know someone when you actually live with them. There’s no barrier when there’s a bad day or how messy they really are.

[@DeborahWalkerXOXO]

I USED TO think that I wanted to be married and I suppose I was pretty pick me about it. But as I have gotten older, I don't know if I want either marriage or living together. I kinda think him being over there and me being over here works for me. I cook for him when he comes over (we also go out to eat on him). Otherwise I look after myself. I pretty much look after myself full stop. And I used to think I wanted a husband to care for (like a pet!) but I have a cat so what do I need with a man? I have had my children so I don't need a man for that. So what is he about to do for me? This has made me really think about this and the idea of what I want has been bothering me for some time now. Do I want marriage or do I want to be part of that social construct that society tells me I am supposed to want?

[@DeborahWalkerXOXO]

Yeah, I used your comment section to ask myself a question!😂

[@Priscilla_Boye]

I just found about Living Apart Together and I was about to upload that video when your comment popped up on my screen so it’s all good. ☺️

[@DeborahWalkerXOXO]

@Priscilla_Boye your advice is absolutely true and necessary. Especially from our perspective as black people, we try to follow western ways and it isn't our portion. Great video, thank you for posting it.

[@seabreeze4559]

you want to feel WORTHY of marriage as a sacred bond - theoretically

[@DeborahWalkerXOXO]

@@seabreeze4559 that is a strong possibility. As a woman we are still being fed this lie that our highest value is in conjunction with a man. One of my most beautiful cousins married an absolute troll of a man and seems to hate her life but she has the man and the house so 🤷🏽‍♀️. His speech at their wedding? How he didn't want her at first and she chased him down. I think about that often.

[@charlottec8334]

I disagree with this. I, as a woman, want to, NEED to, know what a mans like to live with before I literally pledge myself to him. This "dont live with him before marriage" thinking comes from a place of worrying about him starting to take me for granted and getting lazy once I move in with him(also thats GOOD! Atleast he showed that side of him BEFORE I married him and I can gtfo)- a place of trying desperately to deter bad behaviour from men rather than doing whats right for you. Thats some pickme shit. "Couples are more likely to breakup once they move in together"... what, so you'd rather wait until youve married him to realise he's no good to live with? In that case its GOOD that youve broken up. Its worrying too much about a man seeing living together as a trial period and that reflecting him not seeing you as a serious option, rather than thinking about how that trial period benefits you before YOU see HIM as a serious option.

[@amnrob101]

Agree with this video. Don't move in together before marriage. However, the women saying the men will have them go 50/50 that's only the men YOU'RE choosing. Don't put that on all women.

[@raesully2615]

For me its the opposite, I believe in living with someone beforehand. My ex-husband and I didn't live together before we got married and it was huge mistake. So many issues.

[@lelo46]

Your situation is the Exception. Not the rule. It’s definitely a lot smarter to get to know people on a deeper level before you move in. Family, friends, whoever.

[@TIAOFNEBULA]

What issues? Be specific

[@melindaroop1346]

The only benefit to living together before marriage is to see how well you actually get along, under the same roof. A lot of people dont see how someone really is until they are living with them. But dont give wife duties to your roommate.

[@fisf.2148]

I have never lived with any boyfriend and will never live with any man. Nothing will change that. I have had four marriage proposals too from all those men that i didn't live with

[@NynNahh]

I moved with my boyfriend across the globe (he follow me), so we lived together. I couldn't stand trying to keep the house clean and work 60+ hours a week anymore, and had expressed my wishes to live alone. He didn't listen to me, ignored any and all of my pleas for us to work on our relationship. I am sure he doesn't have anyone else, and I don't as well. It's just that our mindset around what needs / doesn't need to be done, when and how is just totally different. What happened, then? I saved and rented another place for me. I don't give a fuck if he cleans or not, because it's not my place anymore. I don't give a damn if he has clean clothes to wear or not. When was the last time the bathroom was cleaned. Personally, I am much better now that we had this "trial time" and I attested he was not a good fit before legal paperwork was signed. And again, personally, *moving together* is the scam. Married or not. If you're going to give up on your freedom to do whatever you want in the house, decorate however you want, have someone else leave stuff around, and PROBABLY break stuff (because more often than not mrn do not pay attention and break everything, from plates to entire cupboards), he better be a winning lottery ticket.

[@stilljocelyn_]

Nope lived with a man once and never again. I had another ex get mad I wouldn’t move in and “audition” as wife and move in. I’ll never shack again in life, I like my space and I’m not helping dude with bills. I’m not allow a man to unofficially take me off the market because that’s exactly what it is.

[@stephaniebrooks8044]

That is one of the things I most regret wen I was younger.

[@quenyasansel]

This is the weirdest take I’ve heard on this channel. Maybe it’s a cultural thing where I’m from, but I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who got married before moving in together. It seems so incredibly strange to me. I guess I kinda assumed it was like that everywhere else as well, because I seriously cannot fathom how you can commit to spending the rest of your life with someone without making sure you’re compatible. There are SO many things you would never know about someone until you live with them. And yes, it’s 100% a trial run. What’s wrong with that? It goes both ways! I love you, lets save some money on bills and stop lugging around weekend bags while we figure out if we can stand to be around each other 24/7. It’s just good sense.

[@jessiemayfield6749]

I think this is only a problem if you know you have to convince your man to marry you. My man is more pro marriage than I am, so moving in is just fun for both of us. If we ever marry, it’ll be because he wants to.

[@tracysprenger8622]

They are also afraid that divorce will ruin him

[@senorpapi3659]

How so? Alimony? Funny cuz that’s only 10% of divorces. What an irrational fear

[@vertanishock7900]

I personally think it makes more sense to live apart especially if you're both in your 20's. You as a individual need time to find your style and the things you like. Its easier if you're just focused on your space at first to just express yourself. When you are ready to move in together then you will know.

[@JenniTulls]

The Bible proves to be true day by day. The Bible says not to live together before marriage.

[@magnarcreed3801]

So we gonna stone kids, and kill women? Slavery okay now too? Bible is 100% cool with that shit. Deuteronomy is my favorite.

[@analise1248]

​​@@magnarcreed3801God up above is a true and just God. You need to read the Bible as a whole to understand what happened. Don't just pick things out the Bible to fit your narrative and you don't understand the full story.

[@kathyalex778]

Amen

[@syd753]

Okay but that’s you. Not everyone has the same instances as what’s said in the video above. It’s not necessarily a bad thing if people want to live together before marriage🤷🏽‍♀️ honestly you get to find out more about the type of person they are and see if you guys are able to live together or not. Because what if ur engaged and than move in and end up not liking the person or living with them🤷🏽‍♀️ than what

[@UniquaDaBackyardigan]

That doesn't prove the bible to be true. The Christian bible said that Lot was a righteous man tho he offered up his daughters to be r*ped by random men. Would you then say its true that Lot was righteous bc the bible said it?

[@lovelove-jx9qt]

I love this message. Thank you Queen!

[@felixthecat2786]

You should never move in with a man unless you two have a clear timeline for the future. I would argue that you shouldn't date a man unless you have a clear timeline together, but definitely don't give up your whole life for him. Don't ever let a man move into your apartment. No guy who really cares about you, is going to be a leech. You can either move into his place or get a new apartment together.

[@Tijggie82]

Completely disagree. Can you imagine being married and THEN find out they can barely take care of themselves??? And then you're stuck! And out of thousands of dollars or whatever currency there is.

[@LisaApril]

I think women need to make sure the men they move in with or marry understand that they as women will not be taking care of them. They will not be cooking cleaning or doing the man's laundry. He must do that for himself because both of them are working. If and when a woman decides to have children with this man he will have to step up because pregnancy takes a toll on the body. When their children are born he'll have to step up and be an active father. Put that way Most men will not want to get married. They expect women to take on the bulk of child care and household work even when women work full-time. Don't do it while you're living together and don't do it after marriage. Make the man in your life accountable to his wife and children. A lot of men think that after their children are born they will still be able to continue their social lives without any disruption. That's not how family life works. Make your expectations clear and if you do not get proof your partner is capable and competent please do not move forward with them. Many women are tired and resentful after marriage and children because their partner is AWOL doing what he wants when he wants and leaving her to pick up the pieces. Don't do it.

[@omphilemoerane2569]

You are right that men expect their social life to continue without disruption after marriage and kids. That's why you marry a man only if he can afford to pay a housekeeper and nanny. Otherwise you are going to be the help while he goes out to have fun and then turn around and have the audacity to find you boring just because unlike him you actually take care of your responsibilities.

[@AcidicSprayer]

@@omphilemoerane2569 bull your just some privileged brat that was raised by a rich dumbass.

[@attitudeproblem6462]

Hell, don’t even do it _after!_

[@phillybutterfly2]

Like the elders say, No Shacking up!

[@janewakariti4273]

I lived with my now hubby for over a year before getting married - We been married over 10 Years. I had fully benefits as did he! Facts are not everyone is ready for or wants marriage! It is not for everyone. I dont really follow this LOGIC than the man is out to get you.

[@GIGI-lv1qt]

Also don’t let a man take you out of state that’s not your husband you will be miserable and stuck with him no friends and no family and he knows that

[@christicat221b]

Honestly, if he's acting like this before marriage, it's not gonna get any better after. Better to figure it out before you have all the extra entanglements of a marriage or heaven forbid children

[@stephaniebrooks8044]

I made this mistake wen I was young. Ladies, this is not it!!!

[@bellabong8862]

"Know your worth and add tax." Love that.

[@andy_jayson]

I just discovered you and I'm in love with your channel. It's so informative and it feels like a good, genuine community of nice women. I'm gatreful especially as a sheltered 21 year old woman. ❤ More love and peace

[@Priscilla_Boye]

Thanks ☺️

[@Shineynsparkles]

My family won’t let any daughters move it with any dude …unless they were getting married the next year

[@theoriginalbunnygirl]

I hear of so many situations where a woman cohabitates with a man for years just to man to never marry them and then they leave find someone else and marry them rather quick! It even happened to me even though we were together for two years lol.

[@myyoutubeaccount12111]

When we told you, you said we were judgemental fundamentalists. If you don't do things God's way, you will suffer for it.

[@tinywaterdrinker5136]

One perk of moving in together though is finding out if you both can actually manage sharing a home BEFORE marriage. My advice would be to make it a trial period and to make sure you still have your own place even if you have to sublease.

[@beepbopboop7727]

100% live with a male before enter a legally binding contract with them. Its really hard to know a person before you live with them up close. You can always break a lease and move out. Divorce is not so easy. Getting married is worse than not getting married.

[@kkibela]

This is a pipeline to marrying toxic men.. *Not knowing who you are really dealing with is an insane idea *the chase still ends after marriage and people still cheat with a ring so what exactly is the progress.. *move in with boundaries, and agreements regarding chores etc with separate rooms if need be. All this keeping the self a secret is exactly what the narcissists want. If it doesn't work out you get to find someone else more suited to your needs.

[@Dramaqueen-zj8tk]

To an extent I agree but to another extent I disagree. From 2nd hand experience there have been men who are incredibly dirty, unkempt and basically horrible roommates. I think maybe a few months will give you an idea of who you will be sharing the space with long term. I'll not live with someone I'll pick up after for life. If I catch a whiff of that, that's it! It's easy to break up than go through a messy divorce.

[@levelupgoddess9289]

I loved with my ex-fiancé a few years ago and it was good. I cook breakfast when I feel like and he cooked dinner a few times a week because I hate cooking. I did all chores when I felt like and if I didn’t do it or didn’t felt like doing it he will do it regardless. We understood each other before and he already knew before that I’m not picking up behind a man. It worked out when it came to living together.🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️ I don’t think I would live with anyone again though.

[@sparklyunicorn5431]

why ex-fiance?

[@kathyalex778]

Why do you not want to live with anyone again?

[@wolfsisterhowls]

I'd love an answer to both of the above questions. Something isn't adding up ...

[@Nitra813]

Living with, playing house with, testing and trialing only jades your perspective of that man. It makes it more difficult to leave that man if they turn out to be a bad partner. It’s only dragging out half commitments. If he cannot make up his mind about where you stand in his life or propose marriage WHY does he have that much space in your life? Why does he have that much access to you? I’ve watched this scenario play out horribly many times over. Do not move in with that man before marriage.

[@tialee4170]

I lived with my husband almost immediately. It was convenient he moved in paid the rent/bills even though I worked a good job full time. I did however get pregnant early on though😩. We have in total been together 13yrs now all together, but life happened hard for me and he was by my side and supportive throughout it all. lol 3 kids in total we have now and have been married 6 yrs out of the 13. It just all depends on your life’s journey.

[@tarahbruno3793]

I agree 100%. I am not a trail period I am a wife and until then I refuse to move in with a man!

[@bluetears2]

If you’re not married, it’s better to live with a roommate than a boyfriend, what if you guys breakup, either one person is getting kicked out or it’s going to be uncomfortable for both parties

[@vertanishock7900]

Ive never lived with my bf or tried to do a "trial period" but my current husband we did everything ass backwards and hes the only exception to the rule so far, because hes a built and loving man.

[@aspiring...]

This is not even a religious thing, but you should have listened to your grandmother and no shacking up. She was right. I dont even know how this become a thing. Maybe it wad the cexual revolution which was really created to benifit men.

[@jenniferhiemstra5228]

Ok, so I thought of this too. "No living together before marriage" was indeed a nonsensical religious purity ideal that has it's own inherent harm. But the other way can be harmful too. Its' about knowing what works for you and your partner.

[@PettyIsMyMiddleName]

One and done lol. I moved in once with a guy and it was a nightmare. Never again

[@ariesaraya1822]

Even marriage doesn't seem appealing for a woman. We are groomed since childhood to want it. But if you really look into it, there aren't many benefits for women but alot of disadvantages. As a side note if any man tries to pressure you into moving in just say your parents wont approve. Dont go through all the actual reasons because he'll try to convince you otherwise.

[@Aliensanonymous_]

I’m not easily convinced but this video helped me understand the history concept and why I have an issue with the dynamic I am somewhat in now. From here on out I will be following this advice.

[@robincain5287]

definitely.. approved this message.. ! 💯

[@nitaapplebum7637]

SO needed to hear this!!

[@vanda3393]

Can't agree more never do that I made this big big mistake he took me for granted. And he never ask me to married him i hope younger women read this.

[@Luckimee]

Never had a desire to live with a man. As long as he pays all the bills and I get a hefty allowance, Id move in after being engaged

[@morebyaas]

I was told this useful information by a good working man staff c.o back when I was serving time

[@LS-bb9qh]

Ehh. I want to know whats its like to cohabitat before marriage because then you are stuck if you dont see his true state before marriage. I dont mean somethiming like how he does the laundry, i mean if he changes how he treats me... Ie like a maid. I think it you have the mindset of 50/50 in the house from day 1 and follow through then it isnt a problem. I dont clean when its his turn. He cleans more than i do. I cook more. I've set it concrete that i will not accept fake incompetence because hes not stupid. So, I dont have a guy who takes advantage of me. To each their own but a decade in i got a house and dogs with him, and i make 3x more than him. I'm in an independent position. We arent religious so marriage isnt as important to us. If we do it it will only be for legal reasons. I also see it the other way of i also get sex whenever i want, i dont think that just benefits him.

[@coolcat3452]

Kinda reminded me of Johnny’s relationship with Vanessa living together for years saying marriage is not ultimate & later dump her for Amber a younger & more of his choice!! Am his fan but cannot ignore what he’s done to another woman…..of course his accountability in the end!!😢😢😢

[@ksis86]

I highly disagree, i think you absolutely do need to live with someone before you get married. I will say you shouldn’t move in together until you have a ring on your finger, though.

[@magoo9279]

I like what he said. If your goal is to get married dont live with them. But if your a women and you want to get married, you can ask him to marry you. You don't have to wait for him.