6 NORMAL reactions AFTER a narcissistic break up

[@AndiRose21]

Repeat this often, until it is ingrained into your mental fiber: I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect. Repeat. Repeat again.

[@boisebabe2179]

Thank you for the reminder!

[@qt2shooz]

Well said

[@rockfelloweades]

YES! I will repeat… because it’s true.

[@Jessicahurst1]

Oof. My ex narcs narcissist pedo father sent this to me when he shamed me for buying my own groceries and not appreciating his enough, after I told him he was overstepping boundaries. This saying brings up bad memories, but that was my experience with it.

[@vanessahollenbach85]

I ❤ this, thank you

[@mariehughey5390]

The narc in my life liked to provoke me to anger and then shame me for overreacting. But even my anger was never the level of rage they would go into just because of things not going their way.

[@shannondavidson946]

Same exact thing happened with me. He would needle me and provoke me. Over and over. I would ask him to stop, kindly and calmly. He would persist until I was so angry I wanted to scream. Then he claimed I was the unhinged one. It was a horrible cycle. I am so glad I’m out of that crazy nightmare.

[@puremaledark8305]

Had that to. Once i stoped reacting and keeping my cool, they ran for the hills

[@hulahandskc]

Same exact thing for me

[@mollykayramstack6193]

💯!!! Same here!

[@NarcSurvivor]

It’s normal to blame yourself or question if you could have done more. It’s normal to want revenge. It’s normal to feel the desire to expose them. It’s normal to feel shame, fear anger and guilt. What is not normal or healthy, is to act on these feelings. But narcissists will do that!

[@TimSparks-c1k]

Love your channel bro. You helped a lot.

[@strawberry_lacroix]

I think this is validating, but also invalidating.

[@Karenrosereid]

Sadly they are not'' normal 'as we know it. Their lives are full of torment to the say the least.

[@meazaabera9197]

6Aaየገረጀ ሀሀሰት

[@JonathanBaltzly]

Only 4 minutes in, and you’re speaking directly to me.

[@CodeDusq1]

You thought that person was your soulmate and now after being discarded you wonder if everything was real. Was it all a dream? One of the worst ways I coped was giving myself this false hope that they would come back into my life as I was just wasting my time waiting for them, unable to move on. It’s like even when you don’t hear from them and they’re not around, it still feels like they’re manipulating you and having control over your emotions.

[@sallyfrost5002]

I was wondering if You have also experienced the confusion of believing that the person was your soul mate not because of having common likes, dislikes, or core values but rather because the intensity of their promise to love you made you feel like you were sharing the most amazing dream ever. He made me feel like I was special and seen during the lovebombing . During the love bombing he convinced me that no other couple could ever dream or love as deeply as us. It seemed magical! Sadly I found out later that the dream I embraced was as elusive as the man I thought I loved and knew. I look back and feel physically sick that I believed he was my soul mate because of how passionately he vowed to love rather than base that belief on mutual respect and true devotion which is seen in their willingness to do what's needed to make the relationship work rather than let you carry their weight as well as your own. Hugs to all survivors!

[@christinelamb1167]

@@sallyfrost5002 Yes, I can relate to what you shared here! The love bombing is so seductive, isn't it? I fell for it, even with all of my "knowledge" of past narc relationships, and knowing what a narc is. It was absolutely a dream/fantasy I was embracing, rather than having anything in common, or really being "soul mates". They're so good at mirroring us, and in the beginning they're able to keep the mask on. But after a while the mask falls off, and who they really are (or aren't) is revealed. I feel sick too, that I fell for it. But I learned a lot from that experience, and I think I will be wiser if find myself being love bombed again.

[@carmenr9251]

Well I had a brief encounter with a guy from my job , never had sex or anything , texting if that’s what you wanted to call it mainly one sided from me no reciprocation on his end , yet he was the one who approached me , acting like he wanted to be with me , but when he saw me at work all I got was his back , he would see me and ignored me like he was embarrassed 😞 That was hurtful and still is how he could be cold as ice and when I would ask him I get deemed to be “crazy” all that mistreatment to find out by him that he is talking to another girl at work. I am not feeling angry , hurt I have a lot of “why’s” . I have no idea if he’s a narc, but I do know he is evil and the truth is definitely not in him.

[@ginatorres3228]

This describes exactly how crazy it feels

[@HopeFaithExpect77]

This exact what im go thru now. Replaying every darn moment last 8yrs. Was she ever true? Cause shes now posting her new monkeybranched supply is such "real true love". What hell was i or us?

[@LValley-kz3yc]

When the relationship ends it is painful, but you are giving birth to a whole bright new life.

[@joannaortega5302]

I love this! I am heart broken but I need to find a healthy way to cope. I need to do things that I enjoy doing

[@mickymichelle-ds1tc]

I’m so glad that I left the narc! We were a couple for 10 years and married for 5 years! I left him I left him 8 months ago and I’m still going through trauma bond issues! I think about him all the time and I realize that I never want him back, because I jumped off of the roller coaster and took my life back, but now I’m on a journey to find the old me and it’s so hard! Even after so many months have passed! I have watched videos galore on narcissistic relationships throughout you tube’s channel, but I want you to know that this is one of the most helpful videos I’ve seen thus far! Thank you! I currently feel like a hot mess and very few even know! They think I’m ok, but I’m really not! I don’t want him back, because I feel that I deserve to be treated way better than I was treated! This relationship made me never want to love another man again in this life! But I’m more focused on God and He is helping me through this! Thank you so much Dr Romani! This video was so on point!

[@sandramarques9296]

I feel exactly the same after leaving a 9 year relanship and seing l am 56y and isolated, l feel ashamed stupid and paralised, lwalk in the street and imagine everyone knows, l hope it will passa for both❤

[@Terry-cg7kt]

My ex permanently cured me of loneliness

[@debbievoss3496]

😂​@@Terry-cg7kt

[@sushmayen]

We might feel like exposing them. Their worst fear more than exposure is to be held accountable.

[@dianatenney7821]

There were times I felt like I was married to my mother as she got older and wouldn't accept she was, harsh was making her accountable you need a walker mother I can't be that.

[@willygates]

What we dont do. Enable them. I disagree with most experts. Talking about it and processing it in the process is good

[@dianatenney7821]

@@willygates So true! it's the enabling them is a lot of the problem, I was guilty of doing that it was easier doing it then hearing her say you're a better a communicator, nope harsh you're just are too stubborn to think your hip and knee is a 20 year old or will be again in your 70s. My mom could take harsh I wasn't like that as my personality style.

[@luciasaunders9736]

So VERY true.

[@youngblood8540]

We fell in love with a perfect storm, we can't expect to come out unscathed. Looking back I wish I left the moment I knew something wasn't right.

[@dsstephen2173]

While this has damaged my self-esteem, I now know beyond any doubt that I should always trust my gut instinct. I knew this was going to be trouble before I even began, and then I spent all of 2023 in agony, learning in the trenches what this form of mental illness looks like. I had been single for a couple of decades, and my naive heart has been ripped out of my chest. I just keep telling myself it's better to be lonely than to be miserable. But my god, this was a side of humanity I never would have wanted to know about. People are fucking crazy. I truly wonder whether I will ever be able to fall in love again. As others have said, I'm mourning the loss of something that I never even had. It was an illusion spun for the benefit of an incredibly self-absorbed and toxic woman.

[@cathyemms5083]

I think we all wish we left the relationship alot sooner. I felt so stupid and used.

[@rockfelloweades]

@@dsstephen2173 I feel the same, my relationship was 9 months… and the death of it, “by a million cuts” - I tolerated because I was lonely (had not been in a relationship for 12 years). I was 100% good to him, then he shot me away like a cannon - when he was ready to ‘love bomb’ the next woman (I mean victim). I’m absolutely traumatized, then remember- it’s mental illness that I tolerated and fell in LOVE with. I seriously wonder if I will ever trust another human again. I have 100% abandoned the idea of any future relationship and will be GLAD when I no longer take up space in my head with thoughts of him. LESSON learned, the hard way. Pay attention to your small gut voice, in the beginning!!! We were ‘love bomb’ victims,easily off guard by that- because the FAKE intense interest felt soo good, after no one had been interested in years. They were delighted to come across such naive souls; AND we fell hard🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️. Now we understand, the covert narcissist-intimately….

[@Thedisgardedoptimist]

LoL yep would have saved me 14 years....🤦

[@christalkiger7440]

44yrs . Covert narcissist

[@tracyking5945]

Narcissists argue with you and do all the other aggravating things like devalue, discard and Hoover to put distance between you and them - to fill space and time with chaos - instead of love. Narcissists can’t do love because they feel unworthy and completely detached from their core selves.

[@kellycampbell6826]

Accurate.

[@luciasaunders9736]

This the BEST comment I read for a long time. It's exactly that way! - Thank you.

[@p.w.352]

I ruminated for up to a year. Four years later, I still have moments when it gets triggered, but at the beginning it was just like Dr. Ramani says. It was the only thing on my mind. I'm fortunate that my husband is a rock and just let me talk and talk. I hope that I can be a listener for someone else one day. Because just being able to talk about my doubts and voice my anger at the situation was the biggest healer for me.

[@Healing_Oaks]

Can you be a listener for me. It's fresh for me. Discarded after 11 years and I'm beyond devastated 😢

[@MelancholyRequiem]

“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH *YOUR* ANGER. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you-as will happen to any abused woman from time to time-he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy. Why does your partner react so strongly to your anger? One reason may be that he considers himself above reproach, as I discussed above. The second is that on some level he senses - though not necessarily consciously - that there is power in your anger. If you have space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to resist his suffocation of you. He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacity to resist his will. Finally, he perceives your anger as a challenge to his authority, to which he responds by overpowering you with anger that is greater than your own. In this way he ensures that he retains the exclusive right to be the one who shows anger.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

[@sharicoburn5475]

Minute 35 on us blaming oursleves had me in tears. Thank you. Ive had so many ask me why i chose these people. Finally i can answer that thry are predators who chose me because i am good and agreeable. We dont chose abuse.

[@elizabethlawrence-qj2dz]

My anger saved me. It made me realize I couldn’t take any more abuse. It was a welcome friend to me when I had no others. It allowed me to finally walk away from my abuser.

[@debbievoss3496]

Well, I certainly have the rage & I may have to hire a home health aid to get away. 😢

[@sharicoburn5475]

As i talk about my past abuse with people, it is their absolute horrified reactions that make me "see" just how bad it was. In my head i dismissed so much of it, and now years later telling my story im beginning to see the reality, and i am stronger for it.

[@IsabellaPiesch]

Sure you are angry, frustrated and so on at first. But finally you will realize the break-up was the best which happened to you. Don´t look back - move forward and let them be. Live your life and be happy again (after long time of not).

[@rie2728]

I was afraid I was being love bombed; I was hoping it wasn't, and that he was just a generous, loving man (what I prayed for). Then eventuallyI saw his rage. Then again. I stayed too long, second guessing myself and ignoring my intuition. I'm just glad to be out in less than 9 months.

[@christelleny]

It does take less and less time to "see" but hope always gets us sucked in... As a Narc magnet, I consider myself lucky when they reveal their true colors early!!! First Narc: 20 years to figure it out. Second Narc: 3 years. Third Narc: No thank you. I'll stay single until I die. 😅

[@mac-ju5ot]

I felt all the feeling . I went through all the stages. Then one-day two years ago he pulled his car right in front of me saying to his bestie," oh shit it's her" that was all the validation I needed that I wasted years worrying over this...." Weird relationship" he got in the last cruel words . Never waste time on people who will never see your value

[@lunablu3921]

This information is accurate and appreciated! Having this community helps survivors to understand the absolute craziness of narcissistic abuse. I’m survivor of a malignant Narc and having a community such as this, helped me in my healing. You’re left feeling WTH just happened because their behavior is so evil and bizarre…. and trying to talk to people who haven’t experienced it…. is like hearing crickets. Anyway, thank you for your great information, much appreciated! ❤

[@TimetoWonder222]

LOL. I did hope for a while that he'd come back around so I could tell him no. Now I'm glad he never did because I don't know if I would have actually said no.

[@epow]

I wish these videos were available 20 years ago.

[@LolaAileenVanslette]

Sixty years ago would have been even better.😢

[@CreativePolyglot]

I think many of us don’t realize we’ve been entrenched in narcissistic relationships long before we experience the catastrophic devastation of the most extreme version of a malignant one. It’s almost as if we need to be “hit upside the head” to finally learn and accept that we’ve been pushed way too far since we were little. We don’t know those boundaries. Then, we can’t see anything else … “not everyone is a narcissist.” I’ve heard that so many times. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like seeing a ghost. No one else believes any of what you describe.

[@Thedisgardedoptimist]

G'day CP, yep I was trained to be used to it from very little and it takes a lot to snap out of it..but yeh, talking about it to anyone that doesn't know the exact relationship or narc behavior or how it works it's like talking to a statue...I don't blame them,we are in a crazy exclusive club...glad there are places like this to "not feel so alone" ☮️

[@christelleny]

Excellent point (that many people may not get until they do the work). Narcissistic abuse literally opens a Pandora box that forces you to look at your past (narcissistic parents, toxic childhood) and your own patterns (lack of boundaries, extreme agreeableness, people pleasing, erasing ourselves to make things work). And it IS just like ghosts! 😂 Until you've been hit by it, you can't see it.

[@nikkinorton8310]

OMG, what a great friend who was so wise! Talking it out does release it. Journaling does release it....and the great thing about journaling is, you can go back to it to see what was happening with the gaslighting and to see how far you have come. I recently found my journal from my divorce. I didn't know much if anything about narcissistic abuse, and gaslighting. I couldn't figure out if I was crazy paranoid or what. I was doubting reality so bad in some ways. I had nobody to talk to about it. All I could do was journal. This journal was from 2007-2008. It's been a long time.

[@shanghaimoon]

Just 2 minutes in, and this is a pretty accurate summation of the recovery process.

[@Diane_Phoenix]

It hurt so badly to be told I am a total waste of his time or be called horrible names. 😢 I am badly injured, my heart is shattered. I would have done anything to make him.happy. in time I will heal but for now its agony.

[@ShannyJadeMoon]

It's been a month and I still want the hoover. Just to ignore it but the feeling hasn't gone away yet.

[@sulee1253]

This is exactly happened to me after 35 years of marriage 😢I just realized this is narc last summer Thanks to Dr.Ramani❤

[@Trixie.2005]

Someone was your soulmate throws you away like trash and you wonder if it was all your fault or if it was ever real.

[@jrhc3827]

Number one is a great reminder! Excellent point. Relationships with narcissists take up a LOT of bandwith.

[@shanghaimoon]

I absolutely agree with your closing statements regarding the relief of freedom and, at the same time, the grief over the lost dream for you and your children.

[@hannahsheavenlyhandouts7905]

I just left my husband today and then you post this video. Thank you so much! I wouldn’t be able to go through this without your advice .

[@TheKingwalker22]

Why'd you leave him

[@proudamerican2133]

You can do this, keep moving forward. I did it a year and a half ago, it's right, it's freedom, and it's the first step to saving your life. YOU WILL BE OK! You are stronger than you know!

[@bigjcfan406]

I’m sorry and congratulations!! Hold tight…I am ten years in and life is good ❤

[@sharicoburn5475]

​@TheKingwalker22 that's a weird question. Is it not obvious? She was In a narcissistic abusive marriage duh

[@sharicoburn5475]

Good for you. Keep watching dr ramani, her videos have been a lifeline for me the past 2 years since my relationship ended. Truly transformative. Best wishes, and God bless.

[@chrisrendino1529]

He used say to a therapist “She gets nuclear”. I would be dumbfounded. I don’t go nuclear. He was the one that was nuclear. That in itself would make me so angry. Him saying I was angry. Then be mad at me for being mad. It was a horrible ridicule cycle.

[@MKDNL0]

the hardest part of the breakup is realising that the sweet talk and support was not real. I realise today that of course a narcissist would not come to you and tell you 'I will use you for money and I will destroy your self esteem to put myself above you'. but they will. and in order to do so, they have to make you fall in love for them, because when you're in love you would do anything for that person. I find it hard to draw the line between what was real and what was not. you listen to a person who claims to love you and be by your side and yet you feel bullied and laughed at. the hardest part for me is realising that no matter how many times I go back and read sweet messages and remember cute gestures, I know today it was always to get something out of me and surely he did. and when I told him that I was not going to do pay for everything and I wanted my own needs to be met, not a lot of time has passed before he was gone. LOL.. but they will always be the nice person who means no harm to nobody and, trust me, they don't wanna be dumped so they will fake cry and all.

[@rozwilcher]

I don't remember any good times. The bad smashed all those memories. I only remember how deceitful he was.

[@mattewkadaroesman4656]

Could not agree more. It is like tasteless fancy food.

[@mollykayramstack6193]

9:40 I'm just SOOO angry! I'm not sad, I am pissed - at myself! I have journalled my whole life and moved out 5 weeks ago after a little over a year of being with him (lived together 6 months). When I go back and read everything from when I met him and ALL the vile things he did and said to me ~ telling myself to leave him, his behavior is unacceptable, you're so stressed and it's unhealthy, don't move in with him - it's a big mistake, he's an asshole, he's hurting you! On and on I'm telling myself to get out of it over and over again! Changed my move out date THREE times because I didn't want to do it and felt safer at my place! The push / pull, love bomb / discard / hoover - I'm reading it in my own words!!! Warning myself and yet I STILL moved in!!! So yes, I am PISSED - at myself. Everything in me was begging me to not continue with him. My head and gut was screaming at me - get out, don't do it! My heart... did it anyway. I need to figure out how to forgive myself. Yes, he betrayed me but I feel I betrayed myself far worse!! 😡😤😞

[@AnI-if8fp]

You words resonate with me so much. Its been two years but i just recently came to the awareness of how far the betrayal, lies and gaslighting actually went. I took so much blame on my shoulders. He put it there too. I keep thinking how could i not see it, or see it but not leave, or leave but still miss him and want him back. I cant even wrap my head around how someone can tell such lies to your face without the blink of an eye, no empathy, no remorse...

[@mollykayramstack6193]

@@AnI-if8fp we will heal eventually... It's hard but we're stronger than we think!! 🫂

[@nmurithi]

This lady is a huge blessing for this generation.

[@jennykathe5789]

I needed this so much, I'm so lucky that my roommate is my person who can hold space for me

[@ForsTravels]

This video spoke directly to my soul. Thank you for making this. This is my reality right now, 100%, and knowing I'm not alone, or wrong, or crazy is a balm on my broken heart.

[@meiduo2744]

I got divorce with my Narc husband 4 years ago. In fact, it is him whom abandoned me because he found another woman who is much more useful for him. However, when I learned he and his new wife traveled romantically, I am still very angry and crazy, because I thought about some good time he gave to me and right now, the new woman shares that romantic with him. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, your ICK list, it really helps. I remember he slept my "friend" and said it because he was drunk and this woman went to his bed!!! After that, he brought me to Key West, Florida, told me to wear bikini, however, he then laughed at my lack of plump body figure, saying I was as flat as a coffin board. . . . I was so ashamed on the beach that I even considered getting breast augmentation surgery..... During the 15 years marriage, I was abused so deeply, lose all my confidents, be devalued day and day. At last, he found another woman, left me. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani, your speech heals me a lot.

[@1funkateer847]

I went NC with family members before I knew what narcissistic abuse was. I've healed a great deal over 5 years. This video validates my experience as well as driving home that this REALLY IS narcissistic behavior that drives us to this precipice. I struggled a great deal with whether I were mistaken, but I was not. Knowing this, letting go of that self-doubt, was a major step on my healing journey. Thank you for providing that validation.

[@LSMH528Hz]

You did the right thing without knowing why. Makes me think you're an ok person inside 👍

[@mattymoi]

Thanks Dr Ramani. Mine never did hoovering. I always made the peace and apologised after many episodes of silent treatment and discards. I wish I had a friend like yours. ❤ Getting it off your chest does help so much. My family has been supportive, but they have not given me much space to talk about it. I'm getting better though, but I feel as though I never want to be with anyone ever again. I'm 8 months out of an 8 year relationship.

[@orchider143]

I know how that can be with family. Not too many people understand narcissism so it may come across as you nitpicking unless your ex is the overt type. Another thing is your family has accepted narcissism as normal because that is what they know.

[@mattymoi]

@@orchider143 Absolutely. Thanks. I don't think many people understand it.

[@NLeanz]

Your videos have been helping me the past few months as i was in an out of my abusive relationship it seems like it has finally come to an end and this is the stage i am at now. I don't have anyone to talk to my head is so burnt out going over things in my head starting to realise more betrayle that went on and not being able to confront the abuser about it, it keeps me awake at night I feel worthless I never knew a person so evil could exist I give her everything and she destroyed me and I still love her why am I so stupid. 😭😭

[@mcviking8597]

I find your videos very calming after dealing with toxic people

[@dynamic9560]

The last part of this video, about grief, really hit hard. Very relatable. Thank you for all the amazing work you do ❤

[@user-ge6uo2ry2b]

Thank you for this. Woke up with it everyday. Went to bed with it everyday. Non-stop and I mean NON-STOP rumies. It took over a year to get back to me. Couldnt eat or get out of bed or stop crying and showed up to my life on autopilot. When he kept hoovering months later, I finally had closure. Not 100% but close and he kept on. It told me the woman he left me for didn't work out. I never replied and your videos helped me learn about it, the Covert form and all this was new info as I kept googling his behaviors.

[@alliwarwick5590]

glad to hear you're on the road to recovery. Mine also left me for another woman 6 months ago. I saw her daughter yesterday and the feeling brought me back to day 1 of his final discard again. I admire your strength. this is unlike any other break-up. I hope the pain goes away. All I can think of was all the lies he fed me along with the soulmate crap. They are pure evil.

[@robynwilson1407]

Thank you so much for this video! It's a comfort to hear the issues I am experiencing are normal responses. I feel better today than I've felt in 4 months.

[@ogregirl23]

Fortunately I have a soul mate/ twin flame to return too. Let us hope that is too far away for him to continue his obsession with my distruction. Wish me well with whatever judge I get to do. Asking for a victims protective order so I can pack & exit the home without more screaming

[@620annika]

I broke up with the narc husband yesterday. We still live together but I'm leaving this weekend. He is very determined to keep me saying "I will show you I will change, you'll see." It's so hard to not get reeled back in. But I am trusting my gut and not allowing myself to get sucked back in with his words. As much as I want to, I simply don't trust him anymore and feel emotionally unsafe. I want to get out of the dark world and into my world again where there is light and joy. This person has been in my life for 10 years. That's 10 years of my life I will not get back 😢 I only have the courage to leave after starting therapy and leaning on my friends. Please don't isolate yourself. It's very easy to gaslight yourself. Take care everyone

[@BetsyT4782]

Dr. Ramani is so right about so much of this process. I ruminate all the time, and I can’t sleep well so I listen to her and other podcasts in case I wake up to avoid letting my mind take control. She has said journaling helps and it definitely does. Thankfully my situation wasn’t as bad as it could have been, and I am free now, but the anger about being manipulated to give him money drives me crazy. Dr. Ramani, thank you for everything you do. Your wisdom and warmth are saving me ❤️

[@Birdbandb]

Yeah my mom told me to make sure I don’t bring it up too much to my friends, it gets old.. Thank God I have her support and a therapist. Moving on is hard and I hate that I overanalyze it over and over.

[@kathryncothern3433]

Standing on my own foundation since each narcissistic person in my life could never break me. It took some time to figure out what the heck was going on… and when it all fell into place, my approach changed with stronger boundaries. Not allowing any of them to negatively affect me. They can spiral down on their own. ❤

[@TKouklaki]

I wish I could find an available and real friend one day that she might be able to listen and to give freely some of her time and space…

[@christinelamb1167]

I've been looking for that kind of friend all my life...

[@ГалинаЧумак-п6с]

I'm blessed to have a friend like this , he is a man and a psychologist, so he gave me a healthy man perspective on what I was trying to figure out.

[@Penumbras1919]

Me too.

[@Keith-zc2nn]

"You can't win." is your "I get no respect." You are THE BEST!

[@mday3821]

Dr. Ramani, I remember you doing a video on MedCircle and you stated to do self-talk out loud in front of a mirror, to journal that writing helps you get it out of your head, and to do a hobby or project and I have to say, I did the self-talk, I have always journal, but did it more and I started a remodeling my bedrooms...going through and painting each bedroom. I'm on the second one and I cannot thank you enough. It has helped me so much with my emotional disregulation, getting in touch with my inner child, getting some anger out, helped pull me out of the rumination. You are a God sent. I have found a therapist who specializes in trauma, but not sure if she knows NA. Your videos are a life line to understanding what has happened to me. By the way, I'm also learning so much from your Gaslighting workshop. Thank you for being you and for being the voice to help so many of us. I don't know how you do it, but thank you.❤ Edit: I wished my parents were alive; so I can walk away from them instead of them leaving me. This part has been the hardest part to come to terms with.

[@Nerine98]

You have just made me feel so much more understood!

[@BiddyBiddyBiddy]

Brilliant, making a list of the insults and gaslighting to later remind one's self of the troubling aspects of the relationship. I haven't thought about it in my current situation but I now recall years ago I once helped a friend not leave his marraige; he had an ex come around and offer to restart with him, and I could see it in his eyes that he was living in the whip cream of the fantasy and dreaming of the cherry on top. I told him he should do a pros-and-cons list of the old relationship, and then do one for his marraige. A few days later he told me when he did the cons list of the old relationship he remembered how terrible it was and it made him turn the ex down and stick with his wife. Now the advice comes around full circle, thanks.

[@NifftyMelinoë]

Euphoric recall. I recall the euphoria felt in the discovery of a new friend, a potentially enduring fellow traveler. I'm grieving the loss of hope in a maturing and deepening friendship. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping put my confusion and grief in the proper context. It never really was about just one man.

[@LSMH528Hz]

Making the icky shitlist takes me longer then a few months. When you get to healing and such, at least to me a lot of things keep falling in place, kinda adding to the list. Just a list of all the covert psycho abusive stuff they pulled is taking me years already, let alone a complete list of all their abusive behavior, that would take a lifetime. However, the list I've made so far is already eye opening, like "how did I ever miss all that "? Probably because it's too much to remember at one time and while you're in a N relationship they just keep feeding you with one thing after the next so you never get to adding it all up anyway. Making a list allows to connect the dot's and see more of the full picture.

[@julieangel5410]

Amazing video! This is where I’m at in the process now.

[@donnaconiglio4076]

Thank you for reminding of the love bombing stage. You will never how you’ve saved a life Dr Ramini ❤ Thank you for the ICK list a timely reminder 🙏🏻

[@Julie-bj9jn]

Good advice Dr. Ramani. Life's too short not to move forward with clear goals. About hoovering. I consider it a red flag if someone tells me that they have remained in extremely close relationships with their X's: ie; spending weekends with them, or in contact with them on a daily basis. I first read that hoovering is to be avoided, in "Teen" magazine, in the 70's. It was good advice then, and it is now. I feel that a part of the hoover, may be that the NPD's I've known, enjoy bragging that their X is competing against me, for their time, and attention. Therefore, a red flag for me to avoid becoming involved with a harem situation.

[@Azazl187]

This video has helped me hugely. It makes me realise how narcissistic my ex wife was. 16 years of a relationship, 2 kids and then she cheats on me and ends up in a relationship immediately after. I saw the red flags for years and even change myself and tried to make it better for her even at the cost of my own mental health. She left someone she was engaged to for me at the beginning. I thought we were special. We were not. She did the same to me

[@gmwillow]

I'm constantly impressed by your journalism and I appreciate how you present things. Thanks for your work!

[@HaShomeret]

Thank you so much! At lunch today I said somthing about someone denying climate change and my husband started denying climate change! I was tempted to argue but I heard your voice in my head saying: "If they say 'the sky is purple' you say 'looks beautiful'." So instead I just said "Thats so interesting. Tell me more about that." And enjoyed the absolute unhinged word salad.

[@efo1358]

Oh I’m just praying for my son’s after my Ex Wife! ❤️🙏😇. I’m Waking Up and my Sons are Awake Now! 👍❤️😇🦅🦅👌. Awaken from the controllers! I’m not replacing that Woman/Wife/Mother of our sons! I’m restoring my relationship with my Son’s! ❤️💪🦅

[@diandreabrown8711]

I am definitely going through all of this and know now that I need to look into a trauma therapist when i move. I feel like I was the one not chosen.. literally, they broke up with me and moved on with a fiance and then said they are trying to be a better person... where was that person when i was there??? It starts to consume u.. the point of why me. It's daily acceptance for me and sitting in the UNcomfortable. I know I've been played, ino I'vee been abused.. they say im the love of their life YET they chose to not be with me and the other person... that's my reality. Why dont we believe? Is the abuse so deep that we blind ourselves.... why dont we believe, and why do we struggle with radical acceptance. I try every day.. and im going to try today.. again.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant compilation. Fantastic reminders and I hung on every word. Thank you!

[@Bitofthisnthat-v1d]

This is spot on, word for word my experience.

[@rachelwilson86]

The reason I think I allowed all the mess to go on is because I didn't get out of it sooner when I saw the first red flag. I do blame myself for it mostly, I understand that it was all him, but I kick myself for not getting away, getting out a long time ago & putting myself through what I didn't deserve. I mean I could've had a better life if I didn't stay, I could've met the right person & had a family, I could've traveled & seen all the beautiful, gorgeous places here in the states/other countries, I could've had the masseuse career that I wanted among other things.

[@mday3821]

I can relate. I stayed in my toxic family until the end...but I think of the things you stated all the time. I have never married, have no kids, no friends, no family, no career...nothing...I wonder why am I still alive? You're not alone.

[@jhsporty]

I hear you! I saw the signs in the beginning and thought it might get better. I beat myself up some for not listening to my intuition. Huge lesson learnt.

[@rachelwilson86]

@@jhsporty Yeah, for some reason both of my brother's saw that he was no good for me, but I was young (21), naive, hormones & I married him anyway despite their advice. He told ne that he was Bipolar (Type 2 Manic Depressive) & I believed him do I thought that that's why he acted the way he did throwing tempertantrums, getting angry about stupid, petty stuff, being irritable, etc. Now I know the real reason. I don't know if he thought or still thinks that he's Bipolar or if it was just a cover up. 🤔 He never sought help or to get medication, nothing so my relationship was very stressful. He wore my Adrenal Glands out. I felt like I was his mother getting him up in the mornings for work (when he had work), making his lunch & coffee, reminding him about everything because he would conveniently "forget" & blamed it on his short term memory. I dreaded waking him up, asking him a question, talking to him so when he was off work, I left him asleep for as long until he woke up on his own, hecwas like taking care of a child. I figured out myself how to do stuff on my own like with things I didn't know how to do because I dreaded bothering him with any of it.

[@rachelwilson86]

@@mday3821 Are you out now? Give yourself time to heal, make some good friends & meet a good dude eventually. Get dome "me" time right now, if you need to cry, cry it all out...crrying is a release mechanism. Punch something if you need to to get all of the built up anger out, you can pretend that you're beating up the narcissist (s) on the punching bag.

[@hannahhughes4801]

I was gullable, only 19 when we got together, 52 now, 4 kids and divorcing, he's off with a new partner, he doesnot see our kids, absolutely heartbreaking,.

[@adamstampley7207]

Dr. Ramani, I can not thank you enough for this video. It has described, to a T, everything I'm going through with my narc breakup. Me and her were together for 4½ years after waiting 18 years to finally reunite after high school. The bond was unimaginable and is still incredibly difficult to break.

[@RachelDixon-tn4my]

Totally identify with wanting to be hoovered. I really feel like this, putting my ex back in the driving seat, giving up my control, feeling ashamed of myself.

[@pagehenkelchance4508]

The most healing video on the topic I’ve seen. Thank you for your knowledge, experience, empathy and compassion.

[@GabrielleP310]

I had just started dating a woman who practices polyamory. After our second date…, constant triangulation/flirting/edging, I felt uncomfortable and spoke up. She stonewalled/silent treatment me for 3 weeks‼️We reconnected and then with two more dates under the belt…, I expressed a reasonable boundary about not having my information of me/private photos/shared thoughts be passed to all her ongoing male lovers (5 guys in their 40s-60s). I’m in my early 30s/lesbian. She rejected my boundary request due to her polyamory setup being fixed…, devoid of consent, boundaries, and privacy, which she terms as “transparency”. All of these people she chronically/simultaneously dates…, they are just NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY for her! 🚨3 things narcissists strongly dislike: lack of constant admiration/validation, accountability, and the establishment of firm boundaries🚨.

[@lizsanchez2416]

Im being Hoovered right now. Yes, I agree this does feel good because all of a sudden I am needed. My answer will be "No." I am going through my healing process. They will not interfere with my healing. Family issues, my sister wants me to go out to Florida, I am in Jersey, however narcissist mother, and sister. Been there numerous times and always ends in disaster. No more, I said to myself two years ago. Too bad!! Still need to let the narcissist down easily. How sad, but true. Liz

[@arnonym5208]

"that feals as magnetic as... a magnet." (11:08 min) I love you, Dr. Ramani ❤

[@LolaAileenVanslette]

I’ve spent 61 years ruminating just because I had no one to talk to. Since I’ve been abused from infancy, then several relationships, family and romantic. So the rumination seems to be nonstop. At least this time I blocked them on facebook before I made him leave. I needed to do that for my self-preservation. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, I needed this episode. I journal too, so that helps.

[@jessicaabbott10]

The euphoric recall video really hit me. Growing up in a narcissistic family dynamic, euphoric recall was straight-up a survival technique, and got me hoovered back in years later. I went through all the feelings of shame, too, just because I was an adult at the point of being hoovered back in and should have known better, though my understanding of narcissistic abuse was grossly limited. Therapy saved my life.

[@samuelsparling878]

Regarding the grief, to me the realization that she's not just jealous and insecure and sometimes mean and doesn't take responsibility, but that all of that was just there to cover her lies. I thought she was ruining my life through incompetence, not evil.

[@nexicthonp3162]

Days fresh. He stonewalled me for over a year and showed up right when it was obvious I wasn't going to try to contact him anymore. I wanted him back with every fibre of my being but I had also done a lot of healing and research in that time. Fast forward 2 months of reconnecting, texting every day and as soon as I have a grievance about his behavior he loses it. I'm grateful for the time spent working on myself. I wasn't reactive and I think that set him off more. I was able to finally see his behavior for what it was despite trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He even accused me of being a narcissist and suggested I had a dissociative disorder that was skewing my memory. That's when I finally shut down the conversation and blocked him on everything Thank you Dr Ramani ❤️ the abuse was far more subtle than I paraphrased. The high of leaving is wearing off but I will continue to watch your videos to keep me grounded

[@unomeecj]

And so afraid once the divorces over. Hes gonna Completely. brain wash my kids to where they will never speak to me again. He is already made them his flying monkeys. They believe everything he says. My children mean so much to me. I was a stay home mom quit the corporate world to raise them and do everything.😢

[@TheBigdog868]

I survived! I'm now single and thriving, and that's enough ❤

[@sarahd147]

The most difficult thing now is even my closest friends invalidate my experience with my covert narcissist so I just keep it to myself.

[@luciasaunders9736]

The same here which makes me feel even more ashamed and embarrassed...I cry myself to sleep.

[@Penumbras1919]

All of this. How to cope with the unfairness, the reality crash, them getting sympathy and support as if I were the abuser, them blowing up your lives and then blaming you for how difficult/uncomfortable the healing can be. Not being able to get perspective is so hard

[@yolondagoode9656]

My mom has been my friend during my survival of narc abuse.She use to be a counselor so she knows how to just listen with out judging me,i really appreciate that

[@mariabano123]

❤ love and prayers Dr. Ramani , Absolutely the best content on NARC ABUSE and surviving it and getting it out of our systems , keep up the excellent work 👍👌🏼 🥇🏆 ⭐✨✨

[@jayjohnson2335]

My sister has been watching your videos my sister is my twin and she has been in a relationship for 27 years married with a narcissist she separated from him 5 years ago and we still talk about it I wish there was a way that she could talk to you directly because I know it would help her tremendously I love her so much thank you so much for shedding a lot of light on a narcissist

[@evanianichols9150]

Of all your posts, this one was perfect now, it’s gone into a place where I see it all. Trying to keep your words as a loop so when I miss my friend, how it was in the beginning… and remember all the rage moments and criticism I can heal.

[@LisetteBouchard]

Thank you Dr. Ramani. I just got out of a narcisstic relationship with my brother and sister and feel free from their manipulations. I regret all the time I have spent to keep the family together until my older brother got angry with me fot no reason I cannot think of. His yelling and screaming at me overwhelmed me and told me that after I sell my home he wanted his money back after I sold my home and does not want anything to do with me. So I sold my home and paid him back within the 4 months I borrowed it and sent him a nice letter telling him how he emotionally hurt me with his words and also done with him as well. He never apologized for his behavior and do feel the grief but do feel the relief it gave me to not have to listen to his bad behavior of people. He is negative all to do with me me me all the time. Never felt love of him all my life. Good readings. I feel so good getting out this relationship. Because he now has thousands of dollars his wife left him he can manipulate the family to look up at him that we need him. We'll I sold my home moved back homevwhere I belong, with my girls and grandkids. I am so happy now I have eliminated my siblings because they took advantage of me. I feel free and still working on myself in letting go because no matter what I say to them on how I feel they both will not understand so the best way to deal with it is letting it go. It was not easy but painful but at 77 I have a lot of fight in me to do it and live my own life with happiness I deserve. Thank you for your words of knowledge of this disease has opened my eyes to living again with no regrets and trying very hard to letting it go. Lisette

[@the.toxic.phoenix]

Circa 14 minutes in - I had agreed to go on a prebooked family holiday a few months after we split up. I'd been getting some therapy and binge watching videos on you tube, and seen his behaviour after the split - all together made me see him with clear eyes. I was so uncomfortable with him, I saw him clearly for who he was, and he was still being toxic even with the children on holiday. That helped me massively. But I still had a LOT more work to do, fully accepting the full spectrum of abuse I'd suffered from him and therapy etc.

[@MandyGerrans-s9u]

Thank you Dr Ramini I needed to hear this today. My ex has been in my mind a lot recently, but I know he is not who I'd hoped him to be. He lives nearby, it's difficult, but I'm stronger now than I've felt in ages. ❤

[@willemkoppier4540]

Anger was the most dominant emotion the past year. Had to put all my energy into not losing my mind and not falling into rage and into becoming vindictive. Im grateful I have the strength not to direct my anger towards people who do not deserve to be exposed to my anger. Doing much better now. Lots of self reflection and more and more acceptance over the situation. And my own part in letting everything get out of control so very much.

[@tonyale749]

Thank you Dr. Ramani, this clip right at the time I needed.

[@irenahabe2855]

Dear Ramani, your vids are getting better and better. Tanku very much. 😊

[@Bulbasaur-e7l]

Thank you so much for this video! ❤I feel so validated and heard. I can relate to so much, both in the video and in everyone's comments.The things that happen in a narcissistic relationship is not normal and a lot of times it's so hard to explain to someone in your life what you're going through. This made me feel more normal and sane.

[@MikeTheMechanic392]

Thank You Doctor Ramani, You helped me a lot ! I escaped this crazy ridiculous narcissistic relationship and I feel relieved now! It’s been hard I’m sure I’ll still meet with some ridiculousness from my ex partner but I’m fully ready to ignore it all. Best regards from Poland !

[@darlenehushmire4362]

I would love to learn about signing up for the Narcissistic Healing course you referred to in this presentation, which is starting in January? I have gone to at least 5 or 6 counselors over the 30 years I remained in a narcissistic relationship. Not 1 ever hinted that I might be in a relationship with a narc. I've lost the will to start over with another "counselor." You have been the only person who has been helpful to me. I thank you and appreciate all the truth and wisdom you have shared. As Tina would say: Your simply the Best! Better than all the rest!

[@satcav4173]

You know when you have a day watching vids to recover and move forward. This is the vid i needed to see today. Thank you for sharing.

[@pelomundo7074]

I’ve been trying to heal for over a year after leaving. We tried to get back together but they ended up getting married to someone else 3 months after we tried to get back together. Classic story….. But it’s hard to escape what happened. I want clarity but clarity with someone who calls an orange an apple And then wants to fight about it will not give you clarity. The trauma bond is so real and until you have been in a relationship with someone with these traits it is hard to understand the trauma that happened to you. It’s profound.

[@DianneSlough-sz3gc]

Thank you for saying what I am feeling as thoughts are normal. ( Repetitive)You are so kind

[@mattymac2329]

Great. I took your advice and listened to my anger, and now I have 6 assault charges pending 👍

[@gwenjohn8673]

Rumination is the worst.

[@laurafortin5568]

This video was so helpful to me to hear that what I’m going through is usual and I’m not screwed up for having these exact thoughts and feelings. This is how a narcissistic type relationship pattern plays out. With awareness we can allow ourselves to process the experience and also move forward. We don’t have to remain stuck. I am the thick of it now, as my relationship is coming to an end (we are still in the same house) and I was the one to finally say it’s over and now have to place and hold boundaries that are difficult on the one hand but so necessary on the other. My (ex) partner is a very wounded man with whom I had genuinely good loving experiences, but his trauma has made him incapable of not hurting other people (me) and he is not doing his deep healing work. I’ve been intensely studying our relationship and narcissism for a year and Dr. Ramani has been one of my primary resources. The more educated I became the more I could see the reality of the situation and the more strength it gave me to say, “no more”. It is very painful and difficult but one can not continuously ride a roller coaster without getting sick…