The ignorant narcissistic enabler

[@Peppermon22]

The whole “they are family. You can’t leave family.” So many other people made me feel bad because I should just put up with the abuse because they are “family”

[@nicselectronics81]

They tossed me, thank God best thing that ever happened. "Family" is anything but.

[@abd5441]

Same. “You can’t turn your back on family, family is forever.” meant, “He/she/they aren’t going to apologize but, I expect you to pretend it never happened & forget it.”

[@DHW256]

Yep. I spent 46 years thinking "You can't leave family". Truth is our narcissist mother never called, never visited, never took the initiative after I left for college. Otherwise, I reliably walked in on Mom's backbiting, envy and rage, Dad's enabling and codependence, siblings acting as flying monkeys. The bad behavior was almost relentless. And when I finally did walk away, who was the victim? "He hates me!" and "He abandoned me!" is what Mom would spit out to anybody present. All she had to do was stop being a narcissist, but even that was too much.

[@SuperKarineka]

Yes! That is a very common misconception in our society, but the truth is, sometimes your enemies will be in your own household. I think some people just cannot, or do not understand and they invalidate or dismissive your experience. It's best to not engage in conversations with these individuals.

[@lorithrall9847]

Hurts but feels better to not be around those unhealthy ties. Sending you smile!

[@SteeleMagnolia]

Being the scapegoat of the narcissistic smear campaign is one of the most painful experiences imaginable

[@wayneelliott1180]

I think it's the most destructive thing they do. The consequence is far reaching. You can't unring those bells.

[@AvecPoesie]

My malignant narcissistic sister smear campaigned me, the family scapegoat, in so heinous a way, she contacted the authorities to make an extremely detailed claim of lies that I was supposedly trying to kill our dying Mother whom I took care of through her sicknesses for SEVEN years. My Mother and I were profoundly close and I was lovingly there for her everyday. My Narcissistic sister never visited and rarely called. As our sweet Mother laid dying 😢 I was being subjected to a full-blown elder abuse investigation...thankfully, all of my Mother's hospice doctors and nurses spoke the truth and I was cleared in time to be there for my Mother in her final moments. Every toxic member of my family has been convinced that I purposely killed my beloved Mother...NONE of them were there for her. None of them cared as she struggled through seven years of Parkinson's Disease, Dementia, and numerous ailments that required me caring for her full-time even though I happened to be enduring a chronic disease I was born with. Yet, I gave all that I had to care for her with all my love. Shame on the monsters that are so malevolent and ashamed of themselves that they have to smear and tarnish others 😢

[@nicselectronics81]

Agree, so thankful to be healing and not becoming a monster.

[@SteeleMagnolia]

@@nicselectronics81 I imagined for far too long, wanting to take him out of this world, but learned that the self inflicted misery they live with is punishment enough, for my own state of mind. Knowing that they are their own worst enemy helps my healing process.

[@karenk2409]

@@nicselectronics81 One of the things I vowed when I left is that I would not allow him to turn me into an ugly, angry, bitter person like him.

[@jimratzlaff3112]

"Other people stood by and watched this happen to you and said nothing." Really painful when the "other people" are family.

[@nicoledburns82]

Im 100% in the same boat.

[@northofyou33]

I was in therapy for years with several different therapists. No one ever said to me, "Your mother is a narcissist." My whole life shifted into focus when I began studying narcissism on my own. My entire life made sense suddenly.

[@DivestedChristian]

It was a money grab abd they needed continuous cashflow

[@SuperKarineka]

Yep, same here.

[@AllisonMarie8496]

Therapists are so reluctant to even talk about this it’s ridiculous and does a huge disservice to their clients

[@living9377]

A lot of therapist of narcissists themselves who are there to make you think that you have a problem that needs to be fixed. Not all are like this but majority of them are. The medical system is rife with systematic gaslighting to protect narcissists. Never assume that because someone has a title, great reviews etc that they are there to help you. You have to use your discernment.

[@living9377]

@@AllisonMarie8496 it’s systemic. Narcissists are the ones who hold the cards. Can’t bite the hand that feeds you.

[@profesorhaven]

"Narcissism is a public safety issue." -Ramani

[@M_SC]

That’s her first name

[@therenegadepianotechnician5170]

My qualifier Is responsible for one death outright and thier actions. The bumper sticker on " the qualifiers" car read " Hows my driving ? call 1800 eat SH&T" The accident 100 % the narcissists fault. Their actions also lead thier child down a path where they would go on to commit suicide.

[@drppr76]

@@therenegadepianotechnician5170 Maybe I'm mistaken but a red flag for me is if the person has hateful messages or rude comments on their car's bumper stickers - I have opinions on things too but I don't need to share them with the world

[@caqol]

Public safety, judicial, social development issue....safe to say we all in it together. Really does not matter which country we all are in, or which religion we are. Not anymore...Thank you again to Dr Ramani and all the others.

[@caqol]

@@drppr76 and the big capital letters. That leaves one wondering if the keyboard is ok....Hopefully they were shouting and using dictation.

[@MaciekRabizo]

Narcissism awareness is a true game changer in life. The worst part is that most people don't want to believe any of it, even tho they are constantly under narcissistic abuse. Oh well, that's not us here, on this channel, thanks to dr. Ramani :D Thank you again, and can't ever than enough for all this knowledge.

[@JC-bu6vl]

Sadly, I was one of those people. I spent most of my adult life denying to my brother that our mother was abusive. It wasn't until I started educating myself that I realized my mother was a narc.

[@raccuia1]

Get. Rid. Of. All. Enablers. Pronto!

[@MaciekRabizo]

@@JC-bu6vl Hope you are doing much better now. All the best!

[@mrb4761]

This right here, as the hip kids say. The entire culture arguably fosters and enables narcissistic abuse, to a certain degree.

[@kabricelewis2349]

So true. I've seen good people robbed of all the goodness life has to offer because of narcissitic people. Churches divided, children traumatized, and continual discord and contention because of these type of people. The more aware I become, the more it saddens me. 💔

[@AyeAsh444]

SHOCKINGLY, I've had therapist gaslight me in regards to narcissistic situation I was in. But this person also openly admitted that they have low self worth. They couldn't even understand that I had the STRENGTH to walk away from someone so damaging. They cannot do it themselves. Be careful who you seek understanding from.

[@mrb4761]

YES. One more call for mandatory training for these specific therapists and mental health professionals as a matter of ethics.

[@DillyDahlia]

The latest counselor I went to, after I had spent several sessions going over all the crap I’ve dealt with with my dad for years, told me to…”spend more time with him. He’s your dad and he’s old.” Um, NO. That was the last session for me. What a waste of time.

[@janinesmith369]

Very True

[@m.l3483]

Yes, so true! This happened to me as well. Left me worse off than before I had a therapist. Awful

[@yukio_saito]

There are few therapists who understand narcissism. I fired my first counselor because of it. Another counselor was relatively good, but I also walked away from her recently because she is a bit unempathic and controlling. She lacked knowledge of unhealthy relationships like codependency, too

[@jessicaabbott10]

I get gaslighted constantly for walking away from my narc because it’s my TWIN sibling. I also had to walk away from my family because they enable. It is EXHAUSTING explaining it to people.

[@lorinapetranova2607]

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King jr.

[@whiskersandtailsII]

For me, that was the worst part of the abuse I endured...I felt like no one understood the situation. That was the loneliest period of my life. Thankfully it is in the past and I have been able to move on.

[@paleobc65]

It definitely the worst of part of narcissistic abuse. Luckily you have Dr.Ramani and us in the comment section to support you!

[@caliblue2]

Funny how karma came knocking 💜

[@VonJay]

I was so alone as well with me ex wife, because no one in her family would talk about it. They'd make similar remarks as I would, just listening to their response to her in conversation. But no one wanted to address the issue. Because I really wanted her to have therapy or something or to sit down and talk to her as a group. It wasn't until I found this youtube channel as well as others, and Dr Elinor Greenberg on Quora that I started to realize that I wasn't crazy, and that I wasn't alone. My ex would warp reality just to "get away with" a simple mistake that I wasn't calling her out on. That's how horrible of a disorder it is.

[@whiskersandtailsII]

VonJay...my ex's family were/are his biggest enablers and every time I asked them for help the response would be "I don't know what to say". Now that he is back living with his dad and reeking havoc in his life, I had the opportunity to use those very words against him when he came to me for help 😊. It has been a long road to healing and there have been several stages (kind of like the seven stages of dying), but thanks to communities like this, I am in a much better place now than I was a few years ago. ❤️

[@abowling5759]

Great job!!

[@alissar6804]

The problem is people love messy, gossip, something to talk about in their mundane lives as long as it not about them so they sit back and enable.

[@rantersparadise]

this too

[@colleenpage1265]

So true

[@gmamose9152]

I think there are people in life who just really don't want to know. Either they've never experienced it, or they have and they just don't get it. My experience was so painful that I was like a bloodhound searching for answers.

[@ioanaanaoi8232]

Usually those that don't want to know about are narcisists themselves. Is painful for them to see the mirror.

[@joseenoel8093]

Well described, we're looking for logic in an illogical situation. How is this love when all they're wishing to do is let you know they hate you yet need you around to abuse and make that it's all your own fault!

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

This is the best metaphor for the feeling that comes after we get confirmation that, in fact, we didn't imagine or exaggerate any of it. Unfortunately, like that bloodhound, the urge to put the "right" label on narc batshit can lead us down a lot of blind alleys. We need to encourage others to run when they smell fire. It's not important if the smell is maple, or oak, or pine... YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!! If there are kids, grab them, AND RUN!!! Good post, Grandma Moses 👍😎 And you're right, they will move Heaven and Hell to pretend they don't know the truth. Smh...

[@diannalamantia1702]

…And people return toxic positivity. Completely unable to expect appropriate accountability or simple interest and curiosity in your expressed difficulty. Where has compassion gone?!

[@continuouspgd8869]

I get that - me too.

[@TheWhisperTexan]

I was explaining some issue I was having with my Narc father to an acquaintance. The acquaintance was actively trying to diminish my issue and ridicule me. Then I realized that this person was also a Narc. They seem to have each other's back.

[@Molly-eq1ix]

And we thought covering each other was only in politics!

[@C.Church]

Yeah! I've been saying that a lot lately! Narcs seem to understand the traits you list as a kindred spirit they must defend. Narc parents do this especially. They will denounce abuse if it's in front of their faces in the news. "Omg everybody Think of the children!" (To 643 Likes) But that same abused kid grows up and tells the story of what happened, that same narc parent will first and foremost protect the narc parent brand and even warn the grown child the parent will die one day and the child will finally understand the parent loved them... "but it will be too late and you'll need their forgiveness fir holding in to the anger so long". It is uncanny how narcissist (in totality) have a bee like signal connection with one another in terms of defending the brand and pitch in gaslighting when the narc in question is not present.

[@user-qt1le6ih6i]

Birds of a feather. Yep. Experienced that myself.

[@joseenoel8093]

Freakiest thing! One bud, upon hearing malignant mom was hauled away by the authorities (👍) gave me, I thought an exaggerated 'poor you'. Poor me? Finally some common sense in a ridiculous situation! If I had grown up dependant on *that* woman as an example on how to live I'd of been like her and not had a *hope in hell*, whatever that expression brought forth from her meant, also mom's description of giving someone holy hell was *really lacing into them*, such a pleasant person! 😝

[@ioanaanaoi8232]

Isn't it this a perfect way to clean your life of narcs? Tell them about narc abuse and the narcs will react promptly in a bad manner!

[@abbykendrick5748]

My grandmother was the worst enabler I’d ever known.. constant invalidation of feelings just to keep appearances of things being ok.

[@venusrising6554]

Exactly ! A lifetime of ignoring the abuse & pain of the Narc's targets. Their coping mechanism is shoving everything under the rug. Everyone expected to "just forget it" to bolster their fantasy. Then blame the target when they won't fall in line ! Much healthier to go your own way if you can.

[@susanmim9222]

And things are not really ok, it's just "them" and the general image that are ok and, it doesn't matter if your experience is ignored

[@abbykendrick5748]

@@susanmim9222 exactly

[@abbykendrick5748]

@@venusrising6554 exactly

[@Lemoncatsf]

Sounds like my grandmother, as beautiful as she was, and my mother. Generations of pain caused by this.

[@a.dahliaadler2566]

"But he/ she was also nice to you". She/ He wasn't always bad to you. This is not a justification!

[@m.maclellan7147]

There is the definition of "love bombing" also "performative affection" !

[@realhealing7802]

These are lies enablers support. Enablers are just as bad as the narcissists. It's a crooked system!

[@a.dahliaadler2566]

@@realhealing7802 You are so right. Both are evil.

[@davidhinkson8856]

Yes but when you think about it carefully, the "being nice" was never sincere because it'd be immediately followed by some nasty remark or action. At least in my case.

[@a.dahliaadler2566]

@@davidhinkson8856 yes,but the enablers say that the narcissist treat you well for most of the time. But you are right it is not sincere. You can feel it.

[@mysmirandam.6618]

Theres ignorance and then there's willfull ignorance

[@m.maclellan7147]

The "happy shiny people" who wear blinders & block their ears while singing, "LA la LA, I can't hear you!" Willfully ignoring your pain 💔

[@mysmirandam.6618]

@@m.maclellan7147 especially happens with moms in the mammas boy situation. The son guilts the mom into feeling like she owes him because of whatever he can think of

[@redoktopuss1581]

@@mysmirandam.6618 🎯 Moms, aunties who still can only see the little child they once knew and pity him cause "the poor devil has destroyed his own life" and not the victims that he leaves behind, distant cousins who don't know and don't wanna know cause they want to be in good terms with everyone... the list go on.

[@mysmirandam.6618]

@@redoktopuss1581 yes!! The well meaning acquaintances who dont really know whats going on and just get dragged in

[@jugg9140]

willfull ignorance is true. my mother is grade A enabler and my dad is narc, when i told my mom about the abuse and how my father treat me, my mother bring it up as a means to control me, to make me feel lower than my dad.

[@mysticrose3543]

Most people don't care what happens to you if it isn't being done to them. My brother literally said to me, " Better you than me". The narcissist teaches the other children to abuse the scapegoat or whoever the target is. And they may be receiving benefits such as free rent, expensive cars, vacation homes, and time shares ( in my situation). That's why they don't care. They are being rewarded or paid to look the other way. Enablers do understand what it going on. They just have too much to gain by allowing the target to be abused. That's why.

[@Ellie53-xi5yb]

Many times the enabler is just happy the focus and targeting isn’t themselves!

[@pri.sci.lla.]

My narc decided last night they would “punish” me by leaving me alone! I wanted to jump for joy! That’s all I’ve ever wanted, just to be left alone in peace and allowed to blossom.

[@yimhappy]

Be sure to hide your joy. There's hell to pay if they notice you thriving without them. That's my experience anyway.

[@venusrising6554]

The Narc withheld an invitation to a family party thinking to hurt me. You should have seen the shock & frustration when I told them that was preferable. AND I wouldn't accept future invitations, so don't bother. It was hilarious !

[@venusrising6554]

@ loveable - Good advise. I wouldn't have done it unless it was safe. I am out & they were trying to hoover me back in. But very good advise. Best to protect yourself.

[@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876]

Yes, it is better when they leave. My ex punished me often and instead he would rage and go after me to get a reaction, I would get terrified instead. We had a long distance relationship and he would cancel visits to the point of picking a fight on the phone, in the car and driving back to his home, it was beyond hurtful, I would be devastated. I was so confused, I could not believe how someone could be so cruel. He would cancel holidays, discard me on my birthday, humiliate me in public, call me names, scream and curse, gaslight me...💔

[@venusrising6554]

@ loveable - Thank you....Bright blessings for peace & happiness.

[@annahalford7751]

I've always known my mother has a very difficult personality. I'm 57 years old now and just found you on KZbin in May. You have repeatedly discribed her behavior to a T. It has a name now. Thank you so much.

[@joseenoel8093]

I'm 59 and after describing her as covert she's been upgraded to malignant! See ya never gnaw dementia diva!

[@jessicataylor7174]

It's amazing to have terms for it all! Each of the confusing and disorienting behaviours have names and recognisable patterns! What seemed so random and could knock me off balance from being so unexpected is all now predictable and expected. It has helped me so much to learn all this too! xx

[@daleswain9520]

I’m 60 and like you I knew she was very difficult but finding Dr Ramani has not only help identify my moms issue but why it is I kept ending up with one narcissist husband for 30 years (finally got away) and then darn if I didn’t end up with boyfriends who were more narcissistic than my ex husband.

[@gail9566]

Im 58 and my mom lives with my husband and I. We chose to live in an unfinished concrete basement rather than live in the upstairs of my own house with her. Its so painful to have her in the home dad died and she became mine.

[@greenleaf4770]

I barely figured out this July why my older sister is so difficult, she's a narcissist. She's always put me down & we've had a horrible relationship. Having this knowledge has permitted me finally to cut ties with her as she is toxic & I can now live more peacefully.

[@richellelee1086]

This is exactly why I just stopped trying to explain and anybody who was frustrated, angry or disappointed with something I did or didn’t do because of my ex’s control, I just took the blame and do my best to move forward. It’s rare that people really understand what do you have to endure and how difficult it is to break away or maintain anything that you have when you have someone around like this.

[@vesnaxo880]

So so true 🙏

[@M_SC]

@Gemma Dann gaslighting by proxy. There’s a video .

[@M_SC]

The thing is of the narc makes you do or not do something bad the other people are still hurt and you should take the blame and apologize. They didn’t ask you to be the tool of a narc and are also then victims. Explaining to them that you had a good reason to hurt them is almost gaslighting them.

[@luannlee7386]

Exactly right! Even my own daughter who grew up seeing it in our home and has turned against me. So now I’m dealing with shunning from her. It never ends

[@Nick-kf3io]

Yes it’s draining to explain and defend. Best to remember that you simply don’t have to at all

[@sharonclarke1876]

When I left my narcissist family, enabler said I was the one who needs to forgive them because family is important. It's not about forgiveness, but about my own well-being.

[@rantersparadise]

exactly

[@abowling5759]

In the first place, NOBODY has the right to insist that you “need” to forgive anyone......

[@KitKat-gw4rh]

100%. Sending love 💕

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Yes, narcissism is a public safety issue, a family court issue, a judicial issue, a personal and political issue. Once you see it, you see it all around you. Not in everyone or even most people, not in every social structure, but in so many people and institutions. Thank you for your tireless work in educating people on this topic.

[@sarag1158]

Once you see it, you see it all around you. Yes!!!!

[@lauratk702]

Absolutely. The more we can educate the world, imagine how much better the world could be.

[@DaveGIS123]

Narcissism is a political issue too.

[@Soren_Skarsgard]

The system is rigged... and, oh yeah, They Live!

[@ai172]

“I stopped explaining myself when I realized other people only understand from their level of perception.” - Anonymous

[@realhealing7802]

Smart move!

[@izzylandyt]

I'm Anonymous lol

[@abdulc5726]

Brilliantly put!

[@pollytheparrot8929]

Yeah.. Same here.. Amen❤🙏

[@lisagrace6471]

YES. exactly this. Thank you for sharing this quote- puts into words exactly what I came to unconsciously realize recently in diff areas of my life too.

[@om617yota8]

Watch out for counselors who don't get it, either. They can nearly help the narc out with the gas lighting. Don't be afraid to fire a counselor, on the spot.

[@janinesmith369]

Amen

[@alonzomosley7]

I completely agree, pull the pin on the dodgy counsellor

[@yukio_saito]

I fired my ex-counselor as soon as I realized he didn't understand difficult relationships with narcissistic people at all.

[@LSMH528Hz]

Most counselors overhere are certified narcissists

[@om617yota8]

@@LSMH528Hz That's terrible!

[@gregansen544]

"The relief of talking to you is that I don´t need to explain myself." Yep, an 11/10 there.

[@viki6834]

)

[@viki6834]

)

[@carolnahigian9518]

amen!! amenn & thankx for understanding my Ugh Pamper Chef Witch Cousin ( ugly gossiper cousin))

[@susanmim9222]

This hits even harder when the narcissist i your mother in a culture that believes that parents (and elders) are always 10000% right all the time, the abuse victim becomes the cold hearted abuser instead. Also, when I heard the description of the experience of the "unicorn" who had only nice people in their life, now I feel like the "anti-unicorn" or something because it's the exact opposite of my own experience

[@C.Church]

You're so right. And it's now swung far the other way of age-based narcissism that because some older narcissists are abusive in their "elder" status, then no older person deserves automatic respect as they give their peers. Narcissism is just the worst when society goes right along with these harmful truisms that promote stereotypes and "labels are bad except the ones I'm in but you're not... which makes you automatically bad 😘" So much narcissism. 😖

[@DillyDahlia]

Oh man do I relate to this. My dad is from a very paternalistic and chauvinistic society and feels absolutely entitled to my time and help at the drop of a hat. When I don’t comply, he gets nasty and abusive and then later acts like nothing happened, saying “What did I do wrong? Are you still mad about that? Why are you such a grudge holder and punishing me like this?” It’s awful. This has been going on my entire 60 years. It gets worse as they age, doesn’t it?

[@virgincolada2295]

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother I totally feel you. I live in Italy and here the mother is untouchable. This sucks!

[@mrb4761]

@@DillyDahlia I think that has something to do with how so much of the brain hardware and software for empathy resides in the frontal lobes ... and I feel as if I'm starting to glean that as we age those are the ones prone to degradation first ...

[@C.Church]

@Claire Lane Funny you say that. I'm GenX and about 20yrs ago I began having angry thoughts about how mean and blind BBs can be. Long before the "ok boomer" thing. About a year or two ago, Howard Stern said the same thing about his generation when he first learned of the "ok boomer" thing. He agrees with it. But boomers did a lot to repair a lot of human ills what the cold hard older generations didn't have the knowledge or care to fix. It bothers me that younger people go around believing the world is fully worse than it ever was when it actually isn't. Someone screamed at me that crime and drug addiction is WORSE today. But it's not. It's nowhere near as bad as it was in 1970. I think narcissism is worse now than it ever was.

[@markpfeffer7487]

6:47 -- "Self gaslighting tends to be very reflexive in survivors of narcissistic abuse, especially when they're surrounded by enablers who don't get it." Thank you so much.

[@Melanie____]

Self gaslighting can also be a survival mechanism when one feel powerless to change the situation. Really sad.

[@musicandpoetry_8]

Omg this!

[@musicandpoetry_8]

I’m constantly putting myself down for calling things out because it’s been twisted in my mind that I’m in the wrong..wtf?

[@kik000M15]

My friend says his longterm boyfriend is only a narcissist when he’s drunk… but thing is… it’s only more noticeable when he’s drunk, but if you know what you’re looking at, it’s always been there no matter drunk or sober…

[@purvamandlik4696]

There are some of them who behave badly under the pretext of being drunk. They are very covert. They are well aware that they are behaving badly, but will pretend later as if they don't remember their drunk bad behaviour. It's another crazy making tactic.

[@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876]

You are right, it does not matter. My ex boyfriend is narcissistic when sober and very bad, it gets even more terrifying when drunk, and that was very difficult for me because I was used to witness bad behavior associated with substance abuse. Experiencing abuse from a sober person was very chocking, extremely difficult, very hurtful, specially from someone who claims to love you. Abuse is abuse no matter what.

[@joseenoel8093]

Oh leave them on their merry little way, so nice to be able to enjoy being by oneself!

[@joseenoel8093]

It should be noted that doctors label alcohol as a depressant, there's an old rock song which chimes 🎶"He's home again, he's drunk again, he's banging off the walls again... His fist comes down like a hammer 🔨 on a drum, where is the love 💘?🎶

[@M_SC]

Addiction does make non narcs act like narcs I always have believed... doesn’t mean narcs can’t be addicts

[@myrna4445]

I just experienced that when you talk to a narcissistic person about narcissism they defend the actions of the narcissist. The narcissistic person doesn’t see the abuse in the action.

[@pollytheparrot8929]

Damn right!

[@javiervidal366]

Please don't talk to a narcissist about narcissism! They'll just become more effective Narcissists. They will become better at hiding, manipulating, controlling, and abusing others!

[@atamvallabh2895]

Bang on

[@harperlewis1526]

@@javiervidal366 i made that mistake already

[@forannies]

Just realized that my (former) best friend is *also* a Narcissist which is why she *always* took my husband’s side and lead me back to him!!! Can’t believe it’s taken 25 years to realize this.

[@charlotterodgers4931]

When you figure it out your not so relieved as you are disappointed...

[@babyspitzer]

Realizing what my “family” really is has been so incredibly frustrating and painful

[@jesseM138]

When I try to explain the situation with my ex narc to family and friends, I avoid using terms associated with narcissism and instead just describe her behavior. For example: instead of saying "she's a narcissist", I tell them "she's lacking in empathy", "she uses people", or "she refuses to take responsibility or admit fault", things along those lines. Not everyone is going to get it, but I've had better luck getting *some* of them to get it via explaining it in a way that's more relatable. You might not get them to understand what a narc is, but you might get them to understand you were in a toxic relationship.

[@rantersparadise]

True

[@pollytheparrot8929]

Same here

[@javiervidal366]

That's a good strategy. Especially if dealing in a court system that doesn't understanding narcissism. Focus on behaviors and actions that are problems.

[@cardinalflower6959]

Yes!

[@jesso.4971]

This is it. This is how we explain to others to get them to understand. People have a huge misconception of what narcissism is due to many reasons as Dr. Ramani explained in her video. Narcissism versus Covert Narcissism are not the same thing so many won't understand how someone who does not exhibit the grandeur traits of a traditional narcissist can ever be that. But they can understand when you break it down by the toxic behaviors they exude. After piecing them all together only then can you get a sense of the bigger picture. It makes sense as this is how we ourselves learned about narcissism. We noticed toxic patters that in the back of our minds and deep within our guts just did not seem or feel right. Something felt off. Now we know what it is by piecing all these toxic behaviors into a whole.

[@kristinewaithaka2947]

Understanding narcissism has really opened my eyes to people around me. It's painful to see someone who is going through Narcissistic abuse not understand what's happening. I pray for grace. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[@joseenoel8093]

Yes as you wrote 'truly painfull' and their exhaustion is explained as is their nreed to constantly complain!

[@susanmim9222]

Once you see it you can't un-see it

[@kristinewaithaka2947]

@@susanmim9222 exactly. And I really tried to gaslight myself saying maybe I'm just projecting my experience on to others but truth is when I sense it the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

[@susanmim9222]

@@kristinewaithaka2947 I completely get that

[@kristinewaithaka2947]

@Mike M totally get you. Use Dr. Ramani's D.E.E.P method and you'll be fine. It has worked for me now I see more good people and I'm no longer hopeless. D- don't Defend E - don't Engage E- don't Explain P- don't Personalize

[@annewrites...8385]

"Other people watched this happen to you and said nothing." Once again, you have opened my heart and poured in healing. I am so grateful xxx

[@jean-pierrep6844]

Had to realize that it's my responsibility to get it and not others. I'm not a child anymore. I have a framework and limit my interactions with toxic people including narcissism

[@caliblue2]

And THATS where the healing begins💜

[@KitKat-gw4rh]

Smart

[@chrbotno1920]

Just won a court battle against my narcissist mother. This chanel helped a lot. Her flying monkeys are why I only have my aunt left in our family.

[@sarah_jane777]

Same 😂

[@tanyapunk8262]

My mother has conjured up her own flying monkeys and in the process has put a wedge between her immediate family. I get your pain.

[@soniabernatchez7466]

i can relate

[@mariajmc6557]

yes one good relative like my uncle was sufficient , now after years of bluff they are totally exposed but i was away from that thanks to one uncle.

[@abdulc5726]

Good for you. Clear out the trash.

[@jds0981]

I'm connecting to the pain caused by the 'people who watch silently'. That hurts.

[@mrb4761]

The PASSIVE enablers. The people who look the other way and pretend it's not happening. The ones who say "I know, I know, but what can I do?" 😕😖

[@bigred4379]

Yes. It does. And when I finally understood the ramifications of what has been going on, and the extent of it , that deep pain eventually turned to anger . “WHY DID THEY WATCH SILENTLY?!” These videos have led to some clarity , which has allowed me to let some of the anger go. And let some of those people go with it . I’m getting free a little at a time. Wishing you peace and serenity for your journey .🌹

[@erinhammons6299]

Hey, as a hairstylist I get not being able to blow dry your own hair. Its easier to blow dry a head that is not attached to your own shoulders. My husband says I see narcissists everywhere now because of these videos. I told him its shocking how many people are.

[@nataliatorkhova8793]

They are.......too many....

[@JessiCa-sq2kx]

@Erin Hammons Same here. After a 2 year relationship with a narcissist and a lot of reading about NPD and finally finding Dr. Ramanis channel it's like a 6th sense now. Narcissists everywhere. Sometimes I wonder if i'm paranoid. Red flags all around me. Sometimes scary, but now I know how to deal with them.

[@rantersparadise]

@@JessiCa-sq2kx It's because they are celebrated now. Celeb & political culture celebrates narcs behaviour. 'yo go girl take that moneey! I'm not a b*tch, I'm the BOSS' Ew...

[@seameology]

I'm from a large family. There are a few and the rest are enablers.

[@samanthawinchester2994]

I had to remove a LOT of my family and friends because I wasn’t able to articulate what was happening to me and their disbelief was causing an internal fight/flight reaction and my complete lack of having ANYTHING LEFT, I went no contact with those people. When you’re fighting for your life you shouldn’t have to also fight to explain yourself to those who are *supposed* to care about you. Perhaps one day I’ll revisit some of them and see how it goes but I know that I’m happy to pay the price of that relationship to keep my inner peace.

[@cindy7733]

My new therapist thinks narcisistic abuse is just a trendy thing that isn't real. It's horrific. Right now she's the only one in the area that takes medicaid so I have no choice but to see her. And YES, it's exhausting to have to explain narc abuse to friends who have had pretty normal childhoods. It's not only exhausting but embarrassing too. You feel such a sense of shame.

[@cindy7733]

Yep! I no longer see her anymore. she was terrible. I have to say not may therapists are schooled in this type of abuse. It's so frustrating. @@fromtheothersidee111

[@douglasmiller1212]

Yes, the "sense of shame" ... Trying everything and feeling powerless we blame ourselves and narcissists are more than delighted to help us take the blame. With post traumatic help so hard to find there's little to no chance to find anyone who is wise enough to help us avoid the situation in the first place.

[@heatherl7028]

I’m the scapegoat ..the shame and embarrassment you feel when you try to explain to another person about the narc abuse is truly terrible .

[@rl453]

@@fromtheothersidee111I can’t speak for OP, but there are different reasons someone may be required to see a therapist. Many years ago I was required to see one during a custody battle where false allegations were made against me. (Thankfully that was brief though it felt like many years). I have a friend who needs to see a therapist in order to get their Rx meds from the psychiatrist. If it’s not mandated & the therapist is a bad fit or unqualified I 100% agree. Paying to be further abused. Truly awful experience either way.

[@37macherie00]

Is there someone available via telehealth that takes Medicaid?

[@abidaasghar5621]

Narcissism is worst than being killed by someone. Each n every word u utter resonates with my experiences 100%.

[@Molly-eq1ix]

I was married for 48 years. I came from a household where I was the scapegoat so of course I married into a narcissistic relationship. Let's pile on the role of caregiver in the last 20 years in varying degrees. I NEVER heard the term until after my spouse died. I always thought I was the one who was screwing up...I was too busy suviving. I've had to work through the whole process to understand where I came from....my parents, my husband and even some of my bosses. Why go through this process??? Hey, I'm going to make sure it won't happen again. Thanks for helping me.

[@M_SC]

Glad you are free

[@jinxkrug7000]

My marriage and self inflicted pain for staying so long was just like yours. I had a Narcissistic mother and to some degree an enabling father just " to keep the peace." He did come through in the end for me though. When he,then my mother, passed away he left me some money, that will help me survive from 69-? hopefully. What did I do too, but then marry a very narcissistic man. All of what you experienced I totally understand sadly. At first 9 years ago I felt free, but I am now stuck in my reclusiveness. I hope that you are not. 🙂

[@rodneymolidorjr.6095]

I believe in you

[@Molly-eq1ix]

@@jinxkrug7000 I hope you are able to get some therapy or try to find a support group....maybe divorced people??? If not, shart by taking some baby steps. As you're checking out at a store, ask the cashier how their day is going or do they have any plans for the weekend. Okay, most of the time you might not get much of an answer but you will have a couple of gems soon. You are a much better person than you think so let yourself shine...maybe just a bit at first.

[@pollytheparrot8929]

God bless you..So proud of you🤗Love and peace ❤🙏

[@agnieszkaponka2305]

I've had a therapist saying things like "you don't like in others what you don't like in yourself", "others are just your mirror", "maybe YOU put the negativity out there", "Don't try to diagnoze him, focus on what problems YOU bring", and when I confronted her, she got defensive, started using whatever she thought my diagnosis was as a way to hurt me and put herself above me, blurted out things that didn't make sense and weren't true, and then never wrote me back. Then I had a medical doctor saying things like "Oh, if other people could work there, maybe you're the problem", "I'm just offering you a RATIONAL explanation in contrast to your EMOTIONAL one", and then proceeded to diagnoze me in a formal portal with EUPD after just one 30 minutes conversation of this kind. Honestly, I am DONE dealing with any... emm... mental health... professionals? Is that the word?

[@tawanawilliams6296]

I feel like the seriously deep societal issue is that we are en masse alienated one from another because our societal norms encourage entitlement, vengeance and anger.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

True, most live like the cliché, "When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail." It's strange to see so many people turning into hammers to avoid being seen as a nail. Nails hold things together, for Pete's sake!! 🤦🏻‍♂️

[@bigred4379]

I think I’ve read and heard that the causes of narcissism are either childhood neglect( emotional and or physical abandonment ) OR overindulgence in childhood .

[@Nina-vv3ev]

People are easily manipulated it’s nauseating

[@davidhill5684]

Narcs often get off because the authorities are set up by and for psychopaths and the like. So there's often zero sympathy for victims. Sadly. Aggressive people we tend to avoid, because it's exhausting. I've known narcs whose drive to"win" every exchange made it tiresome just to say "hi" and come away feeling you just lost a competition.

[@caliblue2]

Amen brother 🙏

[@hailey8941]

YES! My dad used to get pissed when I’d cry after he’d do one of his abuse tactics. Then when I wouldn’t calm down, he’d call the cops on ME for reacting to his abuse! And then when they got there, they would belittle me alongside him. They’d say things like “if your father is so bad, you can go into foster care, but foster kids get raped and beaten so you don’t want that” Like…looking back as an adult that is so inappropriate. No wonder I don’t trust cops and I say I hate them-my only personal experiences with them was them helping my abuser abuse, plus all the shit you see they do on TV. Not surprising though once you know police commit domestic violence at rates higher than the general public.

[@dee_archives]

The ones that stood around in silence, even gaslighting and blaming you, tough

[@abowling5759]

These ignorant enablers see what they want to see. When they try to shut you down, it means they like their ignorance and don’t want to be bothered to even try to understand. They specialize in getting you to doubt yourself. Really is sad for the friend who wants understanding and for the child wanting help.

[@HeyMykee]

Most ordinary people don't understand it, don't want to, and will freak out and get aggressive or angry if you try to explain it. Largely because they all know somebody who's a narc and don't want to see the dark truth. They need to have been through the grinder and be looking for answers themselves.

[@LSMH528Hz]

There will always be the coward type, the submissive ones.

[@helenakirkwood5334]

Yes! And/Or they are Narcs themselves.

[@HeyMykee]

@@helenakirkwood5334 Absolutely. I don''t know how many times I've tried to tell people online about narcissism, thinking it would help them the way it's helped me, and they react violently, and then I realize they're actually narcissists themselves, whether they're consciously aware of it or not. There are a lot of them out there!!

[@shywolf3968]

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH"

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

Blocking on social-media might help if the enabling was of a kind that either really didn’t need to happen or left you feeling more confused and completely misunderstood than you were before you met the actual malignant person. 7/10 they’re actually not bad people at all (and people don’t necessarily freak out by-default when these things are brought to their attention) and you don’t necessarily want to turn the tables on what’s established between them and their friends interpersonally it they’re not actually bad people (that’s not the goal) but sometimes you need that distance and no reminders of who they mistakenly thought you were.

[@msPranksterPixie]

I had that conversation with my mom this week: that people are getting more and more toxic.

[@user-qt1le6ih6i]

Yes they sure are. I'm starting to wonder if there is any safe place to go to that doesn't have toxic people. It's scary and narcissism seems to be on the rise.

[@LSMH528Hz]

@@user-qt1le6ih6i Suddenly i'm thinking "the beach" with leonardo di caprio.. You will find only saints on those pure shores. kzbin.info/www/bejne/moexlYeOeq-pZ6M Also i had a freudian misreading, i thought you wrote "nazism is on the rise".

[@user-qt1le6ih6i]

@@LSMH528Hz Perhaps both is on the rise? In any case, it's become more essential than ever than to protect ourselves x

[@javiervidal366]

There is a socio-cultural aspect to Narcissism in society. I think Instagram, Tik Tok etc are reflections of that Narcissism. Of course, those behaviors are rewarded through attention, fame, money.

[@shywolf3968]

@@user-qt1le6ih6i It's everywhere. Nowhere in the world are you seen as a real person, you're merely an object.

[@pamhergenroedersulu]

I was so ignorant . Just couldn't accept a person could be so horrible until I was deep into the connection . Made my escape . Alot of healing ahead . Thank you for helping me to walk away .

[@colleenkotze4381]

Wishing you all the best for your journey. Of healing you are worth it.

[@pollytheparrot8929]

Same situation here..Waiting to escape but..Love and peace dear🤗❤🙏

[@dahliamilosev9666]

Most of us here understand you very well. We all gave those people too many chances as we couldn't accept the reality. If it wasn't this way, we wouldn't be on this channel. We would be Teflon people that narcs dont stick to. We would be those kind of people who do not have some victimization in their subconscious. We would live different lives and meet different people. But accepting who we are and what our reality is, it is the major and crucial first step. But once you know, you cannot unknow. From this point everything will just get better and our knowledge will help us grow new pair of eyes so we dont allow them to use us, manipulate us and minimize us ever again. You got this!

[@m.maclellan7147]

Making bread is SO satisfying! If you're in a bad mood, you get it "all out" when you knead the bread and "punching" it down !

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

I use clay potty - kneading, pressing, tearing it ... so freeing 😊

[@kirausamaria5409]

I tried to convince my mom for almost 3 decades that her husband was a selfish and awful person, always insulting us, bullying us, creating stupid fights, ruining festivities and making us feel like we were wrong all the time...But nothing was enough for her to leave him. I begged her to go to therapy so many times, but she was always afraid of being alone, so I gave up. I'm trying to live my life without feeling like I wasn't valuable enough for her to leave him but it's hard.

[@llkellenba]

Enablers are necessary to maintain narcissistic behaviors and control. The narcissists carefully cultivate their enablers.

[@dianajane6185]

My experience is the narc tells everyone and his family that I am in therapy and I’m “getting so much better.” Who cares? I have a framework to make sense of it, as you say. The others can stew in their groupthink. And you are a great therapist. You are a gift.

[@SandriaGuest]

My one year anniversary of no contact from a lethal covert malignant narcissist. Nothing about it was easy but you have covered every topic, every concern, every doubt I had about the struggle. 🙏.

[@DiplomacyNOW]

CONGRATULATIONS on your No Contact Anniversary! Mine is coming up this Fall. Best Wishes for a future FREE from narcissistic abuse.

[@Liza_s.o.l.e]

I'd love a series where you use TV characters and movie characters to demonstrate the different types of narcissists, enablers, and the different vocabulary words in your series.

[@ruthweisbergphilly6961]

How about song lyrics because there are countless possibilities there, too.

[@m.maclellan7147]

Go check out Patrick Teahan's videos. He does role play videos that are SUPER HELPFUL. Especially if you were raised in a Narc household. I have a great imagination, yeah, often, I can't even imagine what a "healthy" conversation would/could look like with a Narc !

[@nicholasschroeder3678]

Brad Shore often uses simulated quotes that are the EXACT things I've heard.

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

I’d watch that!!

[@drppr76]

Good idea

[@Eveava2383]

You wouldn’t believe how many people are narcissist in my life. It’s crazy. I get it. Thanks so much this explains so much. Reason why I feel like I do. It’s is so hard to explain to others what happened

[@northofyou33]

Yes. That happened to me. My mother was a narcissist, and I had narcissitic friends, boyfriends, and then husband. It wasn't until I realized what narcissism was that I realized I enmeshed myself with narcissists because that was what was familiar to me. I am finally learning to recognize them before I fall into friendships with them. It's taken me decades to get here. I'd rather be alone than be with narcissists.

[@Greek5425]

Its hard to believe that some people don't comprehend what "please stop" means.

[@edlamircoelho5402]

Once a friend gave me that look and told me I had no right to diagnose my parent without being a psychologist. But later she told me she got a narcissistic boyfriend whose mother was also a narcissist. That time she was the one "diagnosing people without being a psychologist " and I laughed in my mind and wanted to rub it in her face. However, I didn't. Instead I chose to comfort and try to help her. What goes around comes around. Or as I would say in Portuguese "O mundo não gira, ele capota."

[@wendybuehler6180]

This was the main reason abuse went on so long. Nobody around me could understand my deep distress. It was me...I thought and they thought. He was sooo calm, so kind, did everything for me, they would tell me. In fact, others would say he was afraid of me. What a long awful trip. Thank you Dr. Ramani!

[@marieborchardt2910]

Until I had an unbelievably hurtful narcissistic encounter I finally could not ignore, I didn't know what narcissistic abuse and behavior patterns was. Then I realized it was all around me! I was able to take a good long look at myself and try to figure out how to react and/or distance myself. Believe me when I say, I still feel guilt about my behavior before "I knew". I was the perfect enabler, able to anticipate every need, always defending the narcissist, ignoring the red flags, never even thinking about the people they abused. I didn't see it, until it happened to me. Thank you Dr. Ramini. ❤

[@Robidu1973]

I wouldn't see you as an enabler, though. According to what you have experienced, it was survival instincts that have kicked in (glad that you finally got out of that mess) to keep a low profile and avoid as many of their attacks as possible. I'd say an enabler would be someone who is propping the narcissist up either due to an unwillingness to acquire (the ignorant) or even against (the opportunist) better knowledge. Frankly, you aren't the one to be blamed for it, because if you are groomed and gaslit into submission, it can be extremely difficult to break out of that vicious cycle.

[@toriztraducciones7470]

Reading this gives me so much hope.

[@coffeegirl6854]

I am sitting here quietly saying Thank You. The enablers they sat back and said nothing. And/or slandered me or jumped on board with it too. I cannot believe I survived. Keep on going. ✊

[@user-iq4ow3fn1t]

In my case, the enabler said that the narcissist need to be shown love by me that that we all have to carry his cross as he has psychological struggles. Also, that I have to pray for him for God to heal him. I cried all day because the enabler obviously showed no empathy to me although i have been going through hell with many kinds of abuse some of which are 5 unfair court cases and 5 unfair reports to the legal persecutor.

[@TheDreamClairvoyant]

I believe people like this are no better than the narcissist and that they themselves may have narcissistic tendencies of not carrying about others unless it affects them. If it doesn’t affect them then they don’t care to understand. Some will even assist the narcissist if the narcissist were to go to them. They would assist the narcissist so that the narcissist would get off their back but…at the expense of the person who the narcissist is targeting. This shows that enabler is aware of how horrible the narcissist is but as long as they’re not the ones dealing with them they don’t care. The enabler eventually gets what they deserve because by the time they realize they’ve been used by the narcissist they would’ve already destroyed their reputation by doing the narcissist dirty work.

[@lizard9375]

I work in customer service and I do feel like I saw the most terrible entitled behaviors after covid. It was an exhausting and upsetting time. I felt what she said about her grocery store experiences.

[@TheBlooming144]

For the newby that is questioning if they are being abused or not, this is what helped me: If you have to question if your being abused, it’s abuse. A peaceful environment or relationship will not leave you questioning if your being abused.

[@realhealing7802]

That's on point! So simply put.

[@cathybutcher4826]

Yes! Also, the narcissists in my life always left me feeling very confused and really unsure of myself after being around them for even very short periods of time.. Notice how your body reacts in the presence of narcs and abusers and listen to it. Your body doesn't lie to you. If you are safe you will feel safe. Good, kind people don't make you physically sick and nervous.

[@realhealing7802]

@@cathybutcher4826 Yes indeed! I always feel uncomfortable around my toxic family. It's like you are uneasy and anxious. I always feel better when I leave.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

🎯💯

[@TheBlooming144]

When you see what your actually worth to God, or even to your community, nobody will be able to make you feel that way anymore. You become immune, and you will see through new eyes. God Bless you.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Damn, Girl! Just when I start to think your videos couldn't get any better. The Aggression makes it a Public Safety and Judicial matter. I just don't have the words. You so Rock.

[@venusrising6554]

She certainly does ! Hoping her work will lead to widespread effective help for targets everywhere.

[@helenakirkwood5334]

💝💝💝

[@AlSabado-at-alsabado-com]

I sought people I thought were my friends at the time I felt helpless and miserable because of the harsh ways my narc siblings treated me. One person lectured on me. Two people said nothing and avoided me. Two others seemed to listen but enabled my narc siblings. And another one blamed me for the narcs' poor behavior towards me. That invalidation became my assurance that seeking out people to help me in my situation is a mistake. So I did my own research about PNSD, which I must have been afflicted with through the long time I went through my narc sibling' abuses. I still cried ar night. Then last week, your KZbin channel popped up in my Google search and I've been watching your videos ever since. Finally, I found someone who truly understands my situation and learned that many people like me suffer in silence. Thank you for your compassionate advice and words of comfort and kindness, Dr Ramani.

[@monicabrauer8249]

I was married to a covert narc for 30 years and when I’ve mentioned that I believe he is narcissistic I’m met with blank looks. Until you’ve experienced this type of abuse it’s almost impossible to understand.

[@lauras1161]

I have stopped explaining but i feel like living in my own world, isolated in my pain. My psychotherapist told me that my children and i have lived in a severe psychological violence. The world needs to know what these people are like and the teachers can't be the victims themselves

[@purplepainandgoldsuffering]

I grew up with two parents who, this November, will be celebrating 35 years of a happy marriage, I thank God for them every day for the kind of upbringing I had the privilege of having. A few years into my adult life and "leaving the nest" and flying out into the real world is when I encountered someone so riddled with toxicity and high levels of narcissism. My experience with that person has changed me. I'm trying to find every way that I can to heal myself and learn about what I was actually experiencing in the time that I was involving myself with this person. I feel a lot better trying to educate myself on this topic of narcissism, and even trying to share what I've learned with the other loved ones in my life that were put through the same narcissistic abuse from the same person that I was.

[@mirax9406]

People who don't get narcissism grew up in happy families, or (more often than not) grew up in repressed, codependent families who don't admit that there's actually a narcissist, or other abuser, in their family as well.

[@ronesss33]

Oh wow how good is this. I’ve had the worst day imaginable surrounded by toxic enablers and this was the video I really needed to see. It snapped me out of my doubt and confusion and brought me back to the reality that it is actually not me. It’s them 😻

[@sonatak304]

Well said

[@marybusch6182]

They make you feel like drinking seriously. Those are the ones you seriously don’t want in your life and who you cannot must not trust. Ever.

[@carolhicks6796]

"The height of ignorance is to dismiss knowledge without investiigation". ALBERT EINSTEIN. Whenever you face a dismissive, devaluing, negative, no no no attitude about anything you put forward ----- RED FLAG!!!!!!! Become aware of how it feels, do you feel gutted. Trust that.

[@alaysiakayebutler6299]

If they choose to enable, they are getting something out of it. If you are looking for support, but your distress is minimized, they lack empathy. Red flag.

[@5EmBem]

While shopping, my ex used to rush me around the shops, running and telling me over and over to hurry up, push the shopping cart in to my legs really hard and to tell me to move out of the middle of the aisle when there was nobody else about, even if there was nobody else in the store. I used to react to this and I looked like the crazy one. If you'd have seen that it would have probably looked like a rage 😞

[@joywebster2678]

Yes been there and he was 6'4" to my 5'4" so we looked ridiculous me trying to catch up to him speeding away with the cart and yelling at me.

[@5EmBem]

@@joywebster2678 I think they do it on purpose to try to shame you in public

[@joywebster2678]

@@5EmBem and to limit the number of times you'd suggest doing things as a couple that he wanted no part of.

[@mattpaskin9537]

That’s classic. I experienced that too.

[@ravenel2]

Spot on. The general public thinks narcissists are someone who looks in a mirror. Narcissist abuse is an entire system.

[@yehmen29]

'Empathy is sometimes about understanding something that is not impacting your life but is still sure hurting other people'. I think people should be made to copy that out several hundreds of times on the 1st day of every month, from childhoood onwards, so that it sinks in...

[@malaika4960]

There are many out there who understand but think it is normal because of the culture they come from. It is very easy for men to get away with abusive behavior and the society always blaming the woman for being "difficult and disobedient". Women are brought up to be selfless, treating the spouse as a "king of his castle". Cheating is also expected and normal

[@jonathanjohnson8311]

I've had the same conversation with many men - except that the perpetrators are women - and, because very few people understand that it's about a 50/50 split of who does what, it is pretty uncommon for a man to be able to find an empathic ear from fellow libs - and many of these men, once liberal, turned to Trump and I find myself apologizing for other liberals and trying to explain to them that Trump is a carbon copy of their ex in a man's body and turning to him will just make things worse on the left and the right. The take-home message is that the tendency for people to see the other gender as the main source of perpetrators has to do with the psychological defense mechanism of splitting, and my motto is "fight the split!" (not "stop the steal"!), as I continue to try to educate liberals with a heart for abused women about the plight of both women and men who experience emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic woman or man. Without splitting hairs, it is accurate to say that (read the following statement with and without the bracketed text): Every [liberal, female] covert and/or malignant narcissist [committed to standing up for social justice for other women] is, for all intents and purposes, Donald Trump [in a woman's body]. If you can see it that way - the way things actually are - then that will help both you and others, who might otherwise react to abuse from a partner of the opposite gender by veering politically even further leftward or rightward.

[@ardent9422]

What you're saying here used to be very true, but men being treated as a "king of the castle" or women being blamed as being "difflcult and disobedient" is long over, for about 20 to 30 years now, culminating with the metoo movement. Women are getting the careers and making their own money for some time now, women haven't been putting up with men for quite some time in the western hemisphere, there are many western female icons who have liberated women sexually and finanically all the way from Madonna to Gloria Allred to Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Yes there are still men who are abusive, but now women have a lot more power to stop it. With terms like "Toxic masculinity" "mansplaining" (which you probably think I'm doing right now.) "manspreading" men are pressed on all sides to stop their abuse. Andrew Cuomo is about to be oblerated and he probably deserves it, he had no offense and he has no defense, it's just over for him. I say all this to simply say, that progress has been made. Women are winning.

[@malaika4960]

@@ardent9422 in the country i come from, it is still heavily patriarchal. But, I agree with your observations. Things are changing, but some cultures/societies are slower to change than others. My tribe is still very patriarchal. For me to even say that I am in an abusive relationship is frowned upon. Even my own dad keeps asking me what I did wrong 🙃. He has just started to understand the dynamics of my relationship. I have been blamed for 26 years for being a "bad wife".

[@joseenoel8093]

Ha no kidding! I just uploaded Tubi and I'm watching a fairy tale movie of a princess 👸 told she's to marry at ate teen or be a victim of the mountain troll, she ran away on horseback, men stick together likes flies to shit, how else they gonna reproduce! Mom's encourage us to marry so we'll also be just as miserable, our turn to suffer! My daughter was never encouraged, as mom described it, I described it as being brainwashed into thinking playing with dolls was fun (how is changing a nappy fun?) and she's grown-up with a fear of puppets/dolls, weirdest thing. Her dad is of polish descent and I have those wooden doll sets which fit one into the other, I'd love to chuck them!

[@joseenoel8093]

@@ardent9422 Don't forget *man flu*! Progress is being made, men don't want to go the way of the Dodo! Alot of modern men were raised right, idk where the mom's were in my lot's generation, no wonder I have to spell everything out to mine! Modern women allow their boys to stay in tune with their sensitive sides. I've had to force the knowledge onto my husband that my opinion matters also, weirdest thing and not what I was on board for, ridiculous!

[@yobrojoost9497]

"You're not a great therapist"???!!! (8.00 minutes) Dear beautiful Ramani, you have been, and still are, invaluable to me and so many others! Without you and the wonderful Dr Les Carter, I would never have gotten so much insight, so many tactics to diminish the behaviour patterns, and to keep self worth and dignity through it all! You are one of the greats, and so generous just giving all your expertise freely! I and so many others can not thank you enough! Praise be! You are a wonderful human being. We love you!

[@ioanamarcu8400]

These type of ignorance can even make you doubt yourself. After explaining and explaining to my mom about narcissism, she told me that I'm not determined enough and clear enough with a narcissistic ex, for not blocking him everywhere. I actually chose to grey rock him in order to avoid conflict because he threatened me once and I believe that if I block him everywhere, he'll fulfill that threat. So I politely refuse him and mind my own business. But here comes mom, saying "you're not being really clear to him". No, he's just insisting, even if I clearly say "no". If you find an opened door to a house, and a sign of "private property, you don't go inside just because you see the door opened. If a girl is dressed sexy you don't v**late her just because of how she's dressed. You don't take people's food from their plate just because you're eating at the same table! So "no" means no, but since they don't respect boundaries, no means nothing to them, and then, people think that your "no" isn't clear enough just because they feel entitled not to take it seriously. 🤯

[@99luftbaloons1]

Sooo needed to hear this today, it's so painful when your young adult children are the enablers and don't care to listen and understand any of this. I was born a scapegoat I refuse to die that way, I'd rather be alone the rest of my days, in the end God will make all things known.

[@user-qt1le6ih6i]

Me too (scapegoat) but would rather be alone for the rest of my days than stay the scapegoat. All the best to you xx

[@lisacranmer8005]

I lived this life, it almost killed me and horrible situation to endure... mostly because family and friends enabled so much backbiting and destruction to continue for years..like Jeh God said, what is done in the dark will be brought out in due time...

[@abowling5759]

Great work!

[@77ulrike]

There's a lot of ostriches out there. So annoying!

[@caliblue2]

It’s a lack of sovereignty- we can be strong without being insecure and arrogant. We Choose TRUTH over all💜

[@les2150]

Thank goodness for people like you who understand how devastating it is to have a narcissistic sister turn your own parents against you with her lies and manipulation. It’s not sibling rivalry, it’s not normal family dynamics, and it is NOT okay. It is abuse. And it requires going no contact. Period.

[@msPranksterPixie]

Thank you Doctor Ramani, I've self gaslit so much. Learning to hold my ground and know the truth of the situation, has been one of the hardest things.

[@KitKat-gw4rh]

I just found a journal entry from 18 years ago where I was gaslighted by my mom and then went on to gaslight myself. I feel so sad reading it and for younger me. Good to know though!! Awareness is everything.

[@alysonwynham1601]

I had no clue what it was until after I was out of the relationship with a narcissist. I was totally shell-shocked when I realized that my husband was not the person I wanted him to be. God bless Dr. Ramani for all she has done to help survivors.

[@maramahmad6065]

A summary of another disappointment from the surrounding is like a box that keeps shrinking when ur trapped inside

[@nataliatorkhova8793]

Dr. Ramani, you mentioned a victim feels exausted and can have idea to have up. This is in fact what the narcissists expect you to do. They are waiting until you break down and run back crying to them. This is what you ARE NOT TO DO. Coz they create illusions of situations that do not exist playing on your mind.

[@AlouetteSisters]

Took me till age 60 to realize that the circular, useless, abusive effort I was putting into staying connected to my mother fit this pattern and POW I finally understood enough to break the pattern and dare to step away without serious guilt. But a lifetime of wasted effort sucks! Pass the info to anybody who is hurting with this dynamic - maybe the lucky ones who are spared could never really understand

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Same but with entire family associated with brother … also took 60 years. I hear you

[@bigred4379]

Yes.. me too. 57 years . Maybe that generation of our parents had lots of narcs because they were ignored in childhood. There was a lot going on in the world. That’s all I can come up with for the reason there are so many 50-60 year olds who have narc parents

[@MJ-qb5ph]

@@bigred4379 True and it gets passed down like a virus. I knew something was off for decades but didn’t have the knowledge, name or way to deal with it. Maybe that is part of it. Five years ago I had no clue

[@MrNeptunebob]

@@bigred4379 There were a lot of large families and overcrowding back then, the military was a part of life of many families, and a lot of work places like steel mills and defense contractors had strict, narcissist management. My mother who is 94 grew up "dirt poor" on a farm in Kansas in a family of 12 kids. Yep, she's a narcissist!

[@peterknyk1942]

So many people do not understand how much inner self care work it takes and how difficult it is to recover from the ravages and abuse of a narcissist!! Many of these individuals end up being the enablers and sycophants of the narcissist.....NONE OF THIS IS OKAY....this video is so helpful, dr. Ramani! Thank you! 🙏

[@abdulc5726]

This is like when people say or behave like you're a disgruntled ex. I'm like: No! I'm fully conscious of any residual emotional thinking that comes and goes from time to time. This isn't about that. Nor do I want the ex back in my life ... EVER. This about me speaking my truth about the manipulative behavior, the projection, the triangulation, gas lighting etc and it NOT being OK, and there being something VERY WRONG with the ex's behaviour.

[@christinehayes1475]

I can relate to this. I had my ah-ha moment, kept learning on narcissistic abuse. No one in my family could understand why I filed for divorce. To this day they they refuse to learn and I won't try to explain. I lived it, survived it and have moved on from it. Once I learned about it all and still learning about me now, I'm healing from a narcissistic husband and a very dysfunctional family. I have now answers as to why I fell for it all. I've also discovered I'm an empath. It all makes sense to me now. I love these videos, they have so saved my life, thank you Dr. Ramini.

[@abowling5759]

Yes, me too!!!!

[@chris-vo1nh]

No contact for 6 months with the narc , shocked because I stood up to him how the enabler run to his defence. Wanting everything in the family to stay the same way , I think they are realising things will never go back to the way it was , thank goodness for these videos, I don't think I'd of ever been free

[@ZOEYANDFRIENDS673]

Once you have repeated the pattern (twice) you learn to validate what you are going through. Never explain yourself to those who are dedicated to misunderstand you, and subsequently judge you , leaving you feeling more shame. Choose the ones the have won that place in your life who will empathize instead of judge. Never have a child with a narc, wait years until you have children if necessary. My life sentence has been getting married and having a child which he feels more control and power over me.

[@kkryz]

You're a comforting voice in all of this 💕

[@sharonboehm5296]

I have a couple of siblings who are narcissistic and I have only learned their “name” this year. All the years of humiliation, criticism, having my intelligence insulted, criticised, invalidation, blamed and narcissistic rage make sense. I have spent years trying to be accepting and nice. Now I’m standing up for myself.

[@mehlover]

Nice to know a lot more people have dealt with narcissists, I feel less alone and know I'm not being "oversensitive" or crazy

[@darfish7420]

Perfect timing. I was just mentioning to someone today that there is a fine line between compassion and enabling.

[@ProfessorNorris1]

“Oh- so that’s what you do- you just work with people who just love themselves?” Lawd have mercy! Dr. Ramani- good, healthy or not I don’t know- but you have become a part of my “circle” of support ( literally I think of you as a friend; don’t worry no stalking or misguided fanatic adoration )and the more I get to “know“ you the funnier I see you are!l lol I can just see you in my mind at this party trying desperately not to roll your eyes!😎😉💜 You’re right- narcissism is a public health issue. I agree and will try to shed as much light on it in my sphere of influence. It’s pretty difficult though with “ friends”. Only in the platforms that I have a bit of authority can I do this.

[@princessoftottori]

During my whole life there were enablers all around me who could also be flying monkeys. As a child i didnt know the word narcissist but i have always tried to speak what's going on (oh and yes im the skapegoat). Instead of hhaving adults being concerned about me, i had bunch of adults telling me it's basically my fault if things are not great with my NM. Even my dad (who didnt fully understand the language my NM spoke to me when she was insulting me) never understood why I was so unhappy.

[@dibkle]

My heart goes out to those who are suffering narcissistic abuse and are constantly gaslighted into thinking it isn't abuse. I hope all those people find out eventually and are able make a positive change in their lives. That is why I think it is not just important but essential that everyone knows about narcissism, because sometimes the gaslighting too powerful, because of so many people buying into it, I feel like a change needs to happen sooner, rather than later.