5 Narcissism Code Words You NEED TO KNOW

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@maggiemay8622]

People really need to become more educated about narcissism and the damage it does! The excuses we make for these people is appalling!

[@amyb5356]

“Narcissist” has become a general label word today. Not understanding the true definition and throwing it out to describe anyone you don’t like

[@saltlightandjoyministries4138]

Maggie, I agree. I am of the view that we need these definitions and healthy alternatives taught in our schools and offered at all places of work. Narcissism has devastating effects upon our society. The cure is education.

[@saltlightandjoyministries4138]

​​@@amyb5356 your reply illustrates perfectly what Dr. Ramani is talking about in this video. I don't believe that this disorder is spoken about enough, and there are too many attempts to silence and shame the survivors.

[@mariecabaneshucamis]

majority of domestic violence resulted feom narcissitic partner they become worst and till you become like crazy like them you are so controlled and manipulated that you somehow adopt to their normal world!!!! so demonic they are intelligent academically but in reality they are do disconnected and foolish pathological lars!!!

[@nath1284]

Yes, a mentor once said to me that sunlight is the best disinfectant and he was right. Keeping yourself resourced and eyes on whatever is happening from as many angles as possible in order to feel free to be, and be your authentic self I have found. It's a very distructive force. Be safe everyone ❤

[@michele0324]

17:14 The millions of people who are survivors of narcissistic abuse are grateful to you. ❤

[@bobbarker1798]

Yes, and yet we choose to be better than that!

[@user-fi4mh9re9c]

@@bobbarker1798 yes we are Hello from Greece

[@matikramer9648]

I'm grateful Finally I've got real point of pressure Amount of narcissistic people around me is really appaling, and same with the victims of those individuals

[@kumabowles3796]

“…wasting too much of our brain space understanding them.” Pure gold!

[@TouchdownJesusMB]

❤ 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 Gaslighter🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 ❤DIXIE CHICKS ~ You ARE ON FIRE!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

[@karinesavard2016]

Oooh yes, same here, what a waste of time that was 🙄🙈🤣😂

[@dianneswain6389]

Those who criticize you for being so hard on narcissists, obviously haven’t been on the receiving end of their abuse… over and over and over again.. looked at with that smirky smile of satisfaction as tears of pain are running down my face.

[@nath1284]

Yes I hear you. It's so cold and detached but also enjoying the pain they cause

[@teresadvorak6145]

My thoughts too. Yes I agree 👍

[@kimpossible3914]

Yeah, my mother got a sick charge out of making me cry during her abusive rages. I know that evil smirk all too well.

[@memobug]

It took me 25 years to figure out why my wife was smiling sardonically when she dished out her bile

[@kikisiggy]

When I felt at the end of my rope that same smirky smile came out. I was being called crazy more and more often as well. That’s when I knew I had to get out or I was going to die one way or another. I hope you are out of it too or can get out soon.

[@akeames]

“Hurt people hurt people” is such a cop-out. Thanks for calling out this bullsh*t, Dr. Ramani! 👍👍

[@joyslove3858]

No one is more hurt than victims of Narc abuse. Yet we all manage to treat others with compassion and kindness. Go figure

[@RubyJay_]

@@joyslove3858well said!!!

[@saltandpepperandmint]

@@joyslove3858yes but I mean it is still true they’re just weak on top of being hurt, it doesn’t mean you have to hurt people because you’re hurt

[@joyslove3858]

@@saltandpepperandmint I agree :)

[@sherriflemming3218]

An abuser identifies with their childhood aggressor Healthy love does not correlate with abuse

[@taom9004]

Nailed it: “Inadequacy, ego fragility, dysregulation, and incapacity for self-reflection that can result in rage and harm to others.” That's it. That's it in a nutshell.

[@libbylandscape3560]

Add sadism to the mix too, never met a narc who didn’t have it to some degree.

[@80vaidehi]

One little paragraph to describe it all. Yes!

[@bobbarker1798]

Narcissist:"Somebody was mean to me so I'm going to be mean to everyone so they have to suffer as I did.." Normal people: "My childhood wasn't the best so I'm going to extend kindness so others don't suffer as I did."

[@apricotcookie4850]

Well said. A crucial distinction.

[@Vampress09]

@@SEIKA That's the key though, you're here, you got help. Narcs don't. They will snap at anyone who tries to tell them they're hurt and they need help.

[@EnzoIsabella]

Beautiful

[@dgalicen2876]

Dr. Ramani, I am a 73 year old retired psychologist who has watched your videos now and then for a couple of years. I left practice years ago due to the effects of a weird neurological disorder, so pretty much everything these years has been on and off, now and then. I specialized in working with victims/survivors of sexual abuse/assault, and of course recognize overlap in our primary areas of interest. Watching today's video, however, I recognized something I had never seen before: I grew up with a narcissist--my older brother. When I was in my 50's I finally got enough pieces of the family puzzle to make sense of why he had a lifelong habit of blaming me for anything he could think to blame me for, going back to the moment I was born. But it was only today that I saw his behavior as what you might call low grade narcissism. More than just coming to that realization, though, was seeing what that means for me in the here and now. Given my illness, I might shuffle off this mortal coil pretty much any time. I have been sending significant things to friends and family members, and wondering if I should try to communicate with him one last time. (We've had little to do with each other since our father died.) I thought maybe I could show him the put-together puzzle, that he might find peace in it, and improvement with the rest of his family if he finally weren't so driven by the phantoms that haunt him. Now that I see his narcissism, I know he would take it as an affront, and use it as an opportunity to excoriate me. I realize that he wouldn't see my communication as being an offering to effect his peace. Instead, it would delight him to have another shot at coming after me. So, thanks to your video (and my subconscious for directing me to it!) I am now at peace. I understand there is nothing I can do for him, and taking care of myself means releasing any impulse to the contrary. Thank you, my colleague. Thank you.

[@simplyyyfab_u_lous_3266]

Please take care of yourself and well done recognising it all...your take on not contacting him is👌🏾right...nothing good comes from engaging or trying to help them...sadly, they are who they are. 🤗❤️

[@isabelkelly7717]

Probably a covert narcissist rather than low grade narcissistic.

[@littleclay1838]

If someone has been stuck on crazy and stupid since you were born.....you won't get through. And with family its a personal and emotional problem that they have molded and built into their minds. At your age, I would focus on my health, and taking time to do some things that you find pleasing and relaxing with people that are not feeding you negativity, and headache.

[@a.wilcox5690]

I also am a retired psychologist with medical issues. I have disconnected from 2 biological brothers but tried to rebuild my relationship with a step-bro. I see now his narcissistic features and they are detrimental to my well-being. I have finally made the decision to step back and away and focus on loving myself, showing myself empathy, validation, and compassion, and avoiding narcissistic people. It has taken 65 years to find a sense of peace and contentment. My ex-husband was a covert narcissist and it took me 32 years to realize I needed to end the marriage. He left me depleted, traumatized and emotionally battered. It has taken 5 years to recover. Your videos help me see more clearly who is not safe fir me to be in relationship with.

[@lynnemarylou7611]

Good call great realisation. (We can pray for them that's it. The rest is in God's hands) Blessings & love💕

[@-cMc-]

" Don't take it so seriously they are so misunderstood" it generates empathy for the narcissist. And it puts the blame on the person being abused.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

"Don't take it so seriously they are so misunderstood." D*** straight they’re misunderstood. People misunderstand that it doesn't matter why they are the way they are. If you’re two and you hit me with a baseball bat, I understand that it was an accident. If you're five and you smack me with a baseball bat, I understand that you don't understand that you're hurting me. If you’re ten and I know you did in on purpose to hurt me, I understand that you're being malicious. I don’t care. No matter what age you are, I'm not going to stand there and let you take another swing. No matter what age you are, somebody needs to take away the bat.

[@happyfreeky]

But blaming victims is a time-honored tradition...

[@makaylaforbes6719]

Far as I'm concerned I don't care how misunderstood they feel they are. Grown adults already know that emotional and psychological abuse is wrong, and they know when they are partaking in those actions. If they didnt know it was wrong, they wouldn't go to the trouble of saying things like "I never did/said that" or "geez, get over it already, it was a joke" or " you're delusional, that never happened" no matter how much you have to show them it did

[@SuzannaLiessa]

@makaylaforbes6719 Got it in one. Abusers are misunderstood, and the "misunderstanding" is that it doesn't matter why someone abuses. It's WRONG.

[@mervyngreene6687]

I would take it even further. I don't care whether the person knows that he/she is abusive.

[@lynnebucher6537]

Dr. Ramani is spot on about how the narcissist commits unacceptable behavior. I observed there is definitely an element of choice. As I've always said, they don't misbehave on your first few dates.

[@Lisa-ee6tf]

Or and especially in front of others.

[@bobbarker1798]

Agreed! We all choose how we'll respond every moment.

[@VoltairesRevenge]

Yes, they do. We just write it off as character quirks.

[@darleneewing7710]

Actually the misbehave from beginning , it's learning the signs, for vices and lovebombing quickly before Date very long... Very dangerous , definite beyond difficult . , Long term caustic , stalks, definite incorrect boundaries issues in attachment issues , getting by with injustices on empathy, challenges law and seeks to break them and mask. Wants vices accepted. Doesn't like to accept the theme , a king without clothes ... In my case, spouse is polygamous/live in while attacking me to use as a mask, , and used story from godfather orange theme , sought to discredit me .. Like killers , they have their "Mark" or brand story to "enable ".

[@charlottelouise209]

​@@Lisa-ee6tfVery true. I want to hear their excuses for that behaviour? Them being so honesty they'll tell, lol. Everyone are on their best behaviour on first dates and second and so on not hiding being raging maniacs until the right time. I have a temper but I'm not losing it uncontrollably at anyone and about everything.

[@l.5832]

And a narcissist will call someone with strong boundaries who will be resistant to manipulation as being 'difficult'.😂 And excusing a narcissist because he is 'wounded' is like excusing a murderer because he has a paper cut. The damage they do, especially over time, far exceeds their own affliction.

[@kimpossible3914]

They will call us difficult, stubborn, or crazy.

[@shelleyd9910]

Or high maintenance.

[@sherriflemming3218]

​@@kimpossible3914 Exactly and that's a win.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Take that as a compliment. It's a win.. Be difficult to manipulate.

[@sherriflemming3218]

A pain in the a** or anything else derogatory. That's a win. Don't sugar coat anything when you call them out on their behavior. Strong, smart and assertive with a backbone and bs detector. You can see right through them. They're opportunistic with a definite agenda. Is He Using You Or Wasting Your Time? 3 Types Of Men - Jonathon Aslay podcast How Your Childhood Traumas Effects Your Love Choices - Jonathon Aslay and Sabrina Risling podcast Shocking Red Flag Every Woman Misses When Dating - Jonathon Aslay podcast 7 Signs He's A Safe Man And That You Can Trust Him - Jonathon Aslay podcast Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD The Masculine Project podcast The Science Of Getting Rich - Kenny Weiss podcast 7 Characteristics Of A Love Avoidant - Kenny Weiss. podcast 7 Reasons Why It's Impossible To Have A Relationship With An Addict ----Kenny Weiss Why We Choose Certain People - Kenny Weiss podcast Are You Dating An Opportunist? Susan Winters podcast. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Without Conscience Robert D Hare Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley Men Who Can't Love - Steven A Carter Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters What The Heck Is Self Love? Jonathon Aslay podcast The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix Attached by Amir Levine 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman If The Budda Dated by Henry Cloud

[@jokendrick2124]

Nothing is worse than someone you know trying to justify in some way the narcissistic behavior of others. Or diminish the abuse. I for one do not make excuses for anyone regardless of their gratuitous bad behavior. I am a strong proponent for NOT REWARDING BAD BEHAVIOR. I'm so tired of "difficult " people.

[@lisamariesmith3610]

When they do that they’re invalidating you and what you’ve experienced. I’ve had that done to me and I won’t be around people that are making excuses for the abuse I suffered. They don’t need to understand it but they need to respect what I say and feel.

[@sherriflemming3218]

5 Shocking Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man Jonathon Aslay ♥️ 7 Characteristics Of A Love Avoidant podcast ----Kenny Weiss They're mistaken for Narcissists

[@inprogress5210]

My sister does this

[@petediamond7263]

The most confusing is the covert Nark sometimes you can feel the contempt they have for you. One word can set them off at any moment. They seem docile and sad sometimes but engage and the rage will come out. It makes you seem crazy if people don't know if they never been around one.

[@jokendrick2124]

My covert narc sister is a perpetual victim and if you dare not agree with everything she says the rage is mind-numbing and continuous (lucky me, the other is a malignant narc and mom is a communal narc).

[@lovemusic1963ify]

Do you know my sister? You described her to a T!!

[@petediamond7263]

@@lovemusic1963ify It took these videos and 20 years for me to figure out what was going on. I was blaming myself and making excuses for her. I couldn't drive eat or walk right. Oh my god I'm glad others have had the same experience makes you think you're losing your mind.

[@clintonnagy1662]

My narc didn't like the neighborhood I lived, and refused to visit me at my apartment. ( My apartment was in low crime, decent neighborhood ) She didn't like me living in apartment and said it made me look low class. 😮

[@WaterBug46]

Our couples therapist said I needed to be open to being hurt again by my cheating, charm magician narc h. My being open to more hurt was supposed to be the road to my and our healing. This type of ‘expert’ counseling damage has got to stop. I am now in individual counseling with a trauma informed therapist and she has made all the difference for me. I am divorcing him.

[@kimkaans1072]

Wow😮

[@lynnemarylou7611]

Very hard to find a good therapist Glad you finally found a trauma informed therapist I had a trauma therapist for four-and-a-half years who was very helpful... Up until then I had a mixed sweetie bag of different therapists and you know what it's like with a mixed sweetie bag there are some sour ones in there and some that you just have to spit out. God has good plans for you plans to prosper you and not harm you... may you go from strength to strength and stay a beautiful individual that you were originally designed to be before all the trauma and abuse May laughter and sunshine come back into your life with abundance... Well done on your journey to healing praise God

[@stealthwarrior5768]

We should be entitled to our money back plus an extra 20% for the harm the therapist did.

[@CynthiaPerez-xd5oq]

I was told by a pastor that I should marry my narc partner. Literally advised me to marry my abuser. WTF.

[@lynnemarylou7611]

@@CynthiaPerez-xd5oq that pastor is Walking In Darkness...

[@youngblood8540]

A narcissist is the kind of friend that will help you hide a dead body. But if you betray the narcissist, just remember the narcissist knows how to hide a dead body.

[@michele0324]

And so do you. 😉

[@tazgee599]

Oh yes totally I found out that my ex would be the guy that would kill me and hide my body run away and not have a remorse about it bcz he he would always have a justification for his bad behavior and wrong doing! It was scary! I am happy I am out! Thanks to Dr Ramani ❤❤❤❤

[@lt827]

You know a narcissist trustworthy enough to ask for this kind of help?!

[@Ax.DaEdge]

Well articulated ...and 'deathly' funny 😂😂😂😂😂

[@kimclarke5018]

Damn 😮

[@_Renee2]

I think many of us excuse their behavior to make sense of the cruelty and abuse we’ve experienced.

[@reeserive]

I agree. I think that's more acceptable and empathetic than outright saying they're wrong or vile.

[@leannakekai162]

There is also a danger of excusing the bad behavior of narcissists because THEY excuse their behavior. They tell us it wasn’t that bad and demand that we agree. Narcissistic abusers can essentially train their victims to accept behavior that is unacceptable.

[@reeserive]

@leannakekai162 yeah, took me awhile to realize that if you've been told something consistently for years, you will doubt yourself without them doing anything

[@_Renee2]

@@leannakekai162 I agree wholeheartedly. Doing so caused me to expose my children to abuse and stay longer than I should have.

[@elipotter369]

When I realised how dysfunctional my friend was (discovered later she was text book narcissist), I felt sorry for her insecurity & inability to cope with her own emotions, and wondered how I could help her face stuff and gain a healthy self image. Then I realised she was so help bent on keeping herself trapped in her superiority complex, she would just destroy anyone who tried to change how she dominated her world.

[@BelleRose11000]

It's painful when you've been raised by a narcissist and the enablers think that they know your narcissist parent better than you. It shows what a master the narcissist with their deception, putting on a mask around other people so the enablers use these euphemisms for what they really are. I'm thinking I might need to be a gray rock with the enablers just I am with the narcissist since the enablers can be almost as hurtful 😢

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

Totally agree with you! Enablers may be part of “who you are to others” meaning they’ll tell others - you’re the issue, problem, mean, miserable source. Typically scapegoat creation in my books. I think Grey rocking is the answer. Works in my life. Makes room for me to form authentic, true & meaningful relationships!

[@parrymylogicthen290]

A narc enablers are the worst!! They will defend and enable the narc no matter. It really shows you how deep they get inside some people minds. This is why you should distance them from family and friends. Cause if they get to your family and friends they'll try to convince them you're the problem or the bad guy.

[@realhealing7802]

I had to leave the narcissists and their enablers behind. Enablers will keep you in the abuse cycle. Making excuses for bad behavior has done serious damage to me. No contact was my only option.

[@gem7078]

@@realhealing7802same there was no option besides no contact

[@JS-tv8sf]

Going through that with a sister who was abandoned by my father . Because he's dying, she lectures about forgiveness (when he keeps being emotionally abusive) because she forgave. She didn't live with him! I advocated for her most of my life while she enables him. The enablers are worse than the narcissist because not being believed by a person you love hurts. Having a person you love support the person hurting you really really sucks. I'm cutting a bunch of people out of my life. It's the only way I can hold onto my sanity. Some families are just too sick to be a part of.

[@Ancient_Pollyanna]

I have been handling narcissists right and left throughout my life and thanks to Dr. Ramani, man, I can spot these types of people from a mile away! Knowing how to excuse myself from these sorts of people is so empowering.

[@yuu_miran]

How can i excuse myself from them if they are my boss or a family member?

[@HWORD-xg6hi]

I'm still trying to figure out how to handle mine. It is incredibly challenging. It's why im here.

[@myra2090]

​@@yuu_miransad to say I have had same problem with bosses and family, the only thing I can suggest is avoidance and truth, meaning " I don't allow people to treat me like you do so I'm choosing not to be around you" with the boss find a higher up that you can go to or someone lateral if that helps

[@carolynj.rembert2748]

❤❤😂😊

[@maryharris7828]

Absolutely ❤!!It's like,they know I know& they Run. Ironically,not to treatment,but to their NEXT victim.Only a narcissist would defend these people.

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

"Why are you so mean to the narcissists?" It amazes me sometimes, how much slack people are willing to cut "difficult" people, while holding those who have to deal with them to a MUCH higher standard.

[@wendiwestenburg6052]

I only pitty narcissts

[@wendiwestenburg6052]

And go no further I leave it at that

[@wendiwestenburg6052]

And stay away the best I can

[@francesshelton5429]

I mean really!!!😢

[@i-never-look-at-replies-lol]

it's because most people don't have the capacity to be "mean" and society has been taught it's a bad thing without understanding that there are indeed levels to such matters to where sometimes it's necessary. that can actually be a fundamental problem in dealing with narcissists: those around you will just see you as being mean and think it's your behavior that is unnecessary or uncalled for, which may drive them to side with the narcissist.

[@pierrechevalier20]

I lost almost a decade to heal myself from this abuse, people were laughing at me because they didn't know the damage..inform this abuse to more people to understand, its worse than getting abused physically imo..

[@themekfrommars]

How did you heal?

[@mzny4314]

@pierrechevalier20 The invisible scars. I'm glad that you found a way to heal, that takes a lot of effort and courage.

[@pierrechevalier20]

@@themekfrommars i learn more n more about this personality disorder..i can fully understand now that my ex was not a normal person, she has mental disorder dsm5(narcisism is one of them)..so i am so grateful now that she has discarded me..i didn't love her but i loved her fake persona she created during idealization..

[@pierrechevalier20]

@@mzny4314 once you realized you got hurt by person with mental disorder,it's easier to forgive them..

[@tazgee599]

I agree with you 💯 I am glad you feel healed by now I can’t wait to be at we’re you are it’s been 1 year only and it’s been hard but better than being in hell with the narcissist 😢

[@thereisnoninadria]

My response to the “hurt people hurt people” idea is: Yes, that is often true, and it’s not acceptable. The hurt person is not entitled to hurt other people simply because they themselves are hurting.

[@hartjeslips4061]

"It explains it, but it doesn't excuse it" helped me being immune to al the rages and tantrums

[@thereisnoninadria]

@@hartjeslips4061 Exactly. 🥰

[@OL1820]

I remember an incident when I was listening to a narcissist talk maliciously about our co-workers and mutual friends. Then some time later she recalled the incident back to me as “WE”, meaning she and I, engaged in a brutal episode of gossip against these individuals, which was then followed by her loud narcissist laugh. I realized immediately she was pulling me into her shadow self and implicating me so she didn’t have to take responsibility alone for her bad behavior. Narcissists definitely know what they are doing. No longer do I wonder if they know their behavior is wrong. She displayed a consistent pattern of projection and mirroring over the years. Went no contact and my life is “mind scramble” free!

[@coffee100ful]

so many time.... this gaslighting thing

[@BobbiGail]

Do they actually consciously know? Or is this some behavior they have learned and practiced and now just do without thinking, as an actual part of themselves? That's what I wonder.

[@seriouscat2231]

@@BobbiGail, in their mind they create reality based on what feels best to them. They're first and foremost extremely dishonest to themselves and only then to others.

[@OL1820]

@@BobbiGailIn the example I provided of this individual it seems to be a ‘yes’ , definitely aware of the chess game she was engaging in with me while also testing my boundaries to see how far she could push with her version of events. I think due to her lack of concern for others' feelings and lack of empathy, causing hurt comes naturally to her. This part seems conscious. However, occasional moments of clarity and self-awareness do arise, but they are infrequent due to the overwhelming shame experienced by individuals with this personality style. To cope with this shame, they tend to suppress it and live their lives in an "unconscious" manner, as it provides them with a sense of relief. This unconscious state allows them to continue engaging in toxic behavior without the need for personal growth or change. No matter the circumstances, these individuals will always find a way to justify their hurtful actions or position themselves as victims, even if they fabricate situations. Their personality seems to constantly clash with others or external factors, which leads to a perpetual state of exhaustion and the constant need for validation from others. Excuse my rant above! The short answer is yes, they know. They just want to test how far they can push you and how long you’ll stick around for it. That is, if they don’t decide to discard you first. The end goal is always to secure CONTROL of your mind, heart & soul.

[@uxordepp]

​@BobbiGail they know. If they didn't know, they would be unable to turn it on and off as they see fit.

[@CarolynsRVLife]

LOVE your take on "hurt people hurt people". I've been pushing back on that trope for a long time. You're right it's a rationalization and excuse. I am a hurt person, but I put on my big girl panties, did the hard work (12+ years in therapy) to NOT hurt people. So I have no compassion for those who thrust their hurt out into the world.

[@AliciaGuitar]

Yep. Still a choice.

[@apricotcookie4850]

Amen.

[@maddart4445]

Remember when someone shows you who they are believe them and it’s not about you.

[@deborahcaldwell9775]

About my 75 yr old brother… I said ‘ spoiled’ Using the word, narcissist, now that I have studied it through you and the other doctor, on KZbin for two years, gives me permission to diagnose myself as a victim, and throw away any narcissistic newcomers now that my most severely narcissistic relatives (mother, husband, brother [one of two]have died). My remaining brother is a narcissist with a capital NAR. He will no longer be referred to as spoiled.

[@tcrump212IsLmbrJck_t]

NAURcissist lol

[@marionohara5606]

I'm ur age too and I too have recently learned about narcissism. It answered so many questions but it was shocking to find so many in my life. At least I know what I'm dealing with now.

[@tammykinstrue9849]

​@@tcrump212IsLmbrJck_t😂 The capital NAR was funny to me, too!

[@nursekat8988]

I told my husband I never leave your mom feeling good about myself. I told him I do not want to spend time with her. He didn't argue back this time and agreed.

[@isis00roberta]

Rationalization is a permission to the narcs continue to abuse unpunished. If you get yourself justifyng their actions, stop. You deserve to be loved properly, just the way you love. Don't search for love in the crumbs a narc gives you.

[@sharonryder3655]

The world needs more therapists who do understand narcissistic abuse and can work with people who endure the trauma. I am going to Uni in Sept to become a counselling psychologist, I am 58 years old but therapists are needed on the ground to help people recover.

[@apricotcookie4850]

Wow! Respect. I wish you much success with your studies.

[@reddawn8230]

I was suffering narc abuse while pregnant with our second baby (and he was cheating, but I didn’t know it yet), and a “friend” in whom I confided about the nightmare responded with “Well, it takes two to tango.” I was shocked at her implication that I must have contributed to causing my own abuse. But she was one of those ladies who married a “nice guy” and can’t fathom the evil that some people are capable of.

[@AliciaGuitar]

That would be an ex friend. I realized my best friend was toxic in a similar way.

[@beaglerescue5281]

Remove that person from your life. What a flippant response to a serious betrayal. You may have a narcissist friend.

[@MsWest-tf6xu]

I'm sorry you were treated that way. I've had similar. The best was from the church "Christian's".

[@junepagan8715]

Dump her

[@julianajardim3755]

You know what Dr Ramani? You're right, as a narcissistic abuse survivor I am very well educated about it from your videos. The problem is: the therapists that I've had access to unfortunatelly aren't. This is so heartbreaking as I still couldn't find the professional help I need in therapy.

[@Laura-uq3xk]

Same here. I've studied narcissism for 9 years and I know a lot about it. I still keep learning with dr. Ramani and others. I have cptsd from their abuse, but most therapist don't understand narcissism at all.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

Ive wondered the same thing, how therapists dont have knowledge about narcissism. But then they wouldnt have patients because we would have boundaries and the narcs dont seek help.

[@sparklecanada0112]

I was sent to a Therapist that was actually Narcissistic herself. Talk about "trying to extinguish a fire by being told to pour gasoline on it"!😣💔🤦🏻‍♀️ Every session had me coming home to my Narcissist crying and feeling twice as bad as when I left the house.😢 I was not fully informed about Narcissism/Codependency at the time and was attempting to not quit on myself or waste my money, so I stuck it out for all the sessions. I've learned more from Dr Ramani and others here online, than I did going to that Therapist.😔

[@Jess-kn8vl]

@@sparklecanada0112 Im so sorry to hear that happened. Narcissistic personality has been in the DSM since 1980. Therapists would have had to learn and know about it! Why they improperly help and support patients is beyond me!

[@julianajardim3755]

@@Laura-uq3xk I'm sorry to hear that. I think I have cptsd as well. Also, I've got replies from some people from different countries (I'm from Brazil) saying the same. This makes me angry because it's like most mental health professionals are failing to treat narcissistic abuse survivors worldwide. I've done therapy for 10 years and had 2 different therapists that were never able to identify that my biggest issue was that I was being scapegoated for decades inside a narcissistic family system. It's so frustating that we struggle to find professional help even when we search and pay for it, isn't it? All I've learned about narcissism was studying and trying to heal by myself in the last couple years. But yeah I sure feel that I need to treat the deepest wounds in therapy.

[@teresaphillips9692]

For the first few years of our marriage my husband would tell me on a regular basis “you’re lucky I put up with your “stuff”🤬” so I was convinced that I was not a good person and nobody else would want me. Since learning about NPD and his specific manipulative tactics I’ve been able to see it for what it is and videos such as this one have literally saved my life!

[@lt827]

In my family of origin, it's not that the narcissist is misunderstood so much as "It's just the way he/she is". All the understanding and compassion needs to go One Way! This is code for you need to be the one adapting to him/her.

[@jamesrutter4100]

Obey,and worship at his/her feet. And you will be fed( bread and water) to keep you alive so you can serve the reptile

[@lt827]

@@jamesrutter4100 more like fluff to favour, vomit later!

[@terriwhalen3618]

We need to be discerning about whom we allow into our circles!

[@BobbyHo2022]

Its easy until you have to be linked to them cause they are a coworker or family.

[@mickyj286]

The first time I heard this phrase was actually from a narcissist friend who was sending belittling messages to me during a low point in my life.. and I wanted it to stop.. So I pointed out all the times I helped,encourage and referred help to them and they turn around and took all the credit.. They responded “Hurt people hurt people”.. 🤦🏽‍♀️ to say I’m hurting them because I’m a hurt person.. 😕🙄

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

They are psychopathic.

[@kimpossible3914]

I had a friend who acted the same way. I got tired of the constant brow beating from her and cut ties to get peace.

[@jeanannedupratt7075]

Yes, she/he turned the tables in you. I believe it is called projection. Cut ties. Keep away from toxic people. You deserve beer, believe me.

[@user-wi9hv2pb2q]

The narcissists in my personal life have All had a medical complaint the second I went into major surgery etc so that they couldn't help or even sign me out of the hospital post op. Every. single. one. It's like a never ending pain contest that is present socially and emotionally, but when you have something physical ie a broken leg vs 'I stubbed my toe it could be broken, you need to sleep in the car because I need to rest right now and that means the whole apartment." That is when their garbage personality is in the spotlight of logic. If there is no complaint I have actually heard from one that major accident trauma was worse for them because they had to see some of the hospital care but the actual victim was unconscious and 'probably wouldn't remember anyway.' They were traumatized, it was so much worse for them 😂

[@mickyj286]

@@user-wi9hv2pb2q So sorry you experienced that… We just have to take it as them exposing their true self and for us to set boundaries, to protect ourselves.

[@barbaracardoza9786]

The more experience I have with a narcissist; the more I am convinced that such behavior is a choice. Every selfish choice takes the person deeper into the disorder. Instead of the "hurting people hurt other people" theory I see a person repeatedly choosing "evil" behavior.

[@soniahathaway1]

Yes! 👌

[@babygirl5299]

You can say whatever you please but when there's a record running in your head you have to change the record A lot of times the dark night of the soul helps a person put the pieces together and once you put the pieces together there is no you can't be taking advantage of any more because this person said this and said this this is you this is you you know your brothers your sisters all those little spots that they put in that you let put in to make you up to make yourself up as a as a whole you're able to fill the gaps and understand yourself and be happy and spread happiness Now this is me the scapegoat This is me the truth teller This is me Be abandoned child because I didn't care you know and do what I do I don't think it's bad but don't hold me back so here I am today 66 happy I'm still walking I'm happy I spread happiness sometimes as you get older you as you're spreading your happiness things come to you like you walk past person you'll say something to them like pretty dress and they'll nonchalantly say thank you cuz they keep walking by those are the subtle communications that people do all the time constantly it's amazing it is so crazy when you hear it You think you're going crazy I think narcissist have to fill in the void when it's quiet

[@AliciaGuitar]

Bridge burners 100% then they expect YOU to rebuild the bridge

[@CynthiaPerez-xd5oq]

Evil is right.

[@Ina-wn7jd]

Right

[@mattymoi]

I experienced deep childhood hurt and trauma. I cannot live with the knowledge that I have intentionally inflicted hurt on another. I am actually painfully avoidant regarding conflict and hurting other people, which has in turn, resulted in me hurting myself. I removed myself from an 8 year narcissic relationship a month ago. It's been a difficult time. Thank you Dr Ramani, for your kindness, knowledge and validation.

[@lynnemarylou7611]

Well done and now time for your healing Be gentle and kind with yourself Sending you big (((HUGS)))

[@mattymoi]

@@lynnemarylou7611 Thank you so much for taking the time to reply with such kindness. ❤ Good days and some pretty torrid days, but I'm getting there. Xx

[@kirk1007]

Good luck in your healing. It's definitely a journey. I am back to therapy again

[@mattymoi]

@@kirk1007 Thank you. Wishing you wholeness and peace in your journey.

[@user-wi9hv2pb2q]

Yes, empathy worry too much about hurting the narcissist. It's one of the ways you get stuck.

[@KSakemi]

“Why do we keep making excuses for this behavior?” Because it’s inconceivable that the person we married, the father or mother of our children, our own mothers and fathers, could possibly be so deeply flawed that they would hurt us intentionally. We always want to believe the best in those we love. It’s soul shattering to think otherwise and also to know that we have been duped.

[@Ina-wn7jd]

Yes, we need to stop making excuses for their toxic behavior.

[@debrawalters9746]

Dr Ramini, my children, love my narcissistic husband, and defend him to the nth degree. Last week we were able to spend a long weekend together for a wedding in Washington state, where they finally saw my husbands abuse. I feel so validated and vindicated today. My daughter even said we were all talking about how sweet you were over these four days and difficult He was. Asmall victory but a victory indeed. Thank you Dr Ramani for explaining my husband to me and for validating the abuse that I’ve taken for the past 25 years. Blessings to you and yours.

[@davidcohen26]

Avoid thinking of winning or loosing - it will make everything more difficult. All the best !!

[@jahsoncole]

The points don't matter, it's all in how you play the game. Can you play the character and not lose yourself?

[@debrawalters9746]

It’s not a game.

[@TheFaithfulsongbird]

@debrawalters9746 My ex "accidentally" divorced me after almost 25 years of marriage. It was a control tactic that backfired. He has since gaslighted our kids against me so much, we are estranged. Our middle child, our third daughter, became terminally ill. I wasn't allowed to know until a week before she died. I wasn't allowed to see her. I wasn't allowed at her memorial. Her dad got power of medical attorney. Leah was 27 years old. She died last September 12. I haven't spoken to my two oldest kids for 6 years. The longer you are with him, the worse it gets. My ex doesn't care about our kids. He uses them as weapons against me. He knows it is the only way to hurt me.

[@kimkayoda7454]

My dear, please develop an exit strategy. Please.

[@meigmogule]

Thank you for all you do to bring awareness. I didn’t realize I was enduring this for years. I thought it was just my mom but I realized I kept attracting narcissistic. It’s crazy. Thank you.

[@coffeegirl6854]

Thank you. Abuse is ugly. That is what I have had directed at me for so long. I had to leave it all. It was the right thing to do for me. Not an easy thing to do though. It really pisses me off that I had to make decisions like that. I hate feeling bad or made to feel bad I made those decisions. But it was the right thing to do.😢

[@Puppylove82-gv3gm]

I attract them too. I've had to have dated at least 2. The verbal and physical abuse was unreal. Also had a couple of suspect "ex" friends. My mom ticks the boxes of one so maybe that's why. I'd always forgive these people and let them come crawling back just to shit all over me again. It all stopped when I started therapy. I thought I was going crazy!

[@dianacallea3723]

Thank you Dr Ramani. I'm working hard on becoming more aware of having been groomed as an enabler and codependent.....now at 65 thanks to you and dedicated professionals, I'm finally getting the right support to let go and become freer! I have let them off the hook far too often and for far too long....but the pain I have endured is now evolving into my strength! I NO longer see myself as a "victim"!

[@carolynkepler2826]

If I had known this 45 yrs ago, I wouldn’t have wasted my whole life trying to “fix” my mother.

[@Feribrat99]

It was not really a waste but it did teach you how to help others heal, so nope not a total waste. My mom died and set me free so that I do not have to be around my toxic siblings, they were all abusive when it came to relating to me. My husband is an enabler to his toxic Mom, but at 70 he is finally seeing through her somewhat. He is still stuck but I do not deal with her at all anymore. She was a bitch to me for over 46 years but I knew her for what she was from the start since she was much like my own mom. Just did not have the context to frame all this crap into, now I am wiser. you are too. Sucks to be a member of this club, yep it does.

[@lynnemarylou7611]

@@Feribrat99 Yes it does suck But as you say nothing is wasted Not even one tear is wasted when we have a sincere heart (((HUGS)))

[@lisawells9905]

Absolutely

[@HeatherLSharpe]

"Unless you are brand new to this channel..." I am and this is GOLD! God BLESS you for this critical work you are doing.

[@starfoxloves]

The best day of therapy for me was when my therapist asked me when I was going to stop making excuses for him

[@blanchemckenna5926]

Really helpful information. I got mantras like, "it takes two to tango, two wrongs don't make a right," growing up. Not by a narcissist, just parenting quotes about any sibling disagreements. It never made sense to me. The assumption of both people in a disagreement being wrong started early in life. It was easy to fall into narc spouse gaslighting.

[@lynnemarylou7611]

And another one of those infuriating sayings " there's no smoke without fire" "It's six of one and half a dozen of the other" Implying that we are just as bad or just as responsible for the wrongdoing. Sending you (((hugs)))

[@user-wi9hv2pb2q]

This has become a standard in schools, workplaces, and even in the court system. No, sometimes there is only one wrong person. And usually with the 'well both sides makes mistakes' the narcissist has done enough networking, flattering, and bullying that the innocent victim will get demolished by the institution involved after being victimized. And the narcissist will laugh at every minute and then do it again.

[@AliciaGuitar]

I get "you picked him" as if i had a crystal ball and knew exactly who he was even tho he pretended.

[@rainbowzebraunicornpegasus2962]

I have been known to say, "Just because you lived it, doesn't make it right. People have a choice about how they behave. Just because it is a natural human reaction doesn't make it right either. We can choose to change and respond instead of react." I decided when I was young that I didn't like how it felt to be maligned by a narcissistic mother. I chose not to act like her and not treat others similarly, causing them pain.

[@charlottelouise209]

I understand what you're saying but narcissists aren't interested in thinking. My mother scapegoated me but if I had children I wouldn't scapegoat a child of mine. People who would say I don't know? I do because I'm not a narcissist so I wouldn't be scapegoating my own child. Here's narcissistic they would be my child so what a special unique child they would be. I was supposed to be like my older brother so individuality is important to me I'm unique like everyone should be. We aren't supposed to be anyone else or like them because how we are isn't acceptable to the narcissist's needs. I mean how they can use you, what they need not what you need.

[@rainbowzebraunicornpegasus2962]

@@charlottelouise209 point well taken. Agreed.

[@charlottelouise209]

@@rainbowzebraunicornpegasus2962 No criticism was meant of you. In some ways I'm like my mother and I resent that but I'm aware of my behaviour and take responsibility. I'm not her and that's the main point.

[@rainbowzebraunicornpegasus2962]

@charlottelouise209 I did not take offense. I agree. You felt the agony dished out. You have chosen not to behave in like kind. Me too. Yet, sometimes when triggered, that harsher side of us shows it's face. We would not wish this torment we went through upon our children. We are not our parents. Gentle hugs. I feel you.

[@erinward2983]

It takes tremendous courage to reach out or seek support for narcissistic abuse. When I went to the hospital after being severely injured, the staff went to great lengths, treating me with compassion. They were highly attuned to my needs. They were kind, gentle, and comforting. They provided contacts and resources. Though tricky and camouflaged, it shouldn't be so different when it's narcissistic abuse, when the devastation is beyond measure. It's when we need support rather than resistance. The abuse is traumatic, even when you don't know it's happening. If the word "narcissist" is used correctly, we shouldn't be met with resistance, but we are. I went to school for psychology, yet I'm criticized for using the word. The narcissists amongst us are wearing faces that blend and confuse people. They get away with so much abuse and we are the ones met with resistance for calling their truth?

[@cinemaocd1752]

It's like the only kind of narc people are familiar with is the overt narc...covert narcs are so good at hiding their true face from everyone and making you look like the person who is the crazy one, the bad one. I also think the profession of psychiatry/psychology has many undiagnosed Narcs practicing in it...

[@elainesmith5313]

I first heard this phrase in Alanon 28 yrs ago. I have found this phrase to be an excuse for people to explain the behavior of people who are just naturally nasty to everybody. Don't give them a pass....because they want give you a pass....you can bet on that . Thanks Dr. R. Love that straight forward truth.

[@Daakee]

So, I definitely have depression. But I've been watching a lot of these videos and with every video, I realize I have more issues than I thought. I may be a vulnerable narcissist born from my father's narcissism and my mother's defensive mechanism (none during my childhood) . Or at the least, the tendacies shows up, whenever I'm unable to deal with stress. I've notice these tendacies and how I (don't) deal with stress. Ive used that Darvo technique quite a bit unfortunately. I typically don't even realize I'm acting that way until after I've hurt a person I love (mom or significant other) and theyre crying or crashing because of me. And I hate it. They don't deserve it. I don't want to be this/that person. I understand if no one believes me or they think I'm 'future-faking'... But I need to believe I can get better myself. And I do. I want to be better. I'm putting in the work. Regardless of anyone that say it won't happen... It's very hard. But damn important! Learning about narcissism has made me more accountable of how toxic I can be. I've done some deep diving to try to find out what causes me to act out this way. I'm not looking for a scape goat or an excuse for my actions. Regardless of whats happened to me in the past, I don't allow it to excuse how I acted later on when hurting someone. I realize what's connecting the dots (lots of unaddressed childhood trauma) and from that, am able to find forgiveness and self love. And with that, I've been finding it much easier to respond, rather than react. Avoiding the narcissist personality from manifesting itself in the first place. When I became mindful and started to show myself forgiveness and love, It broke me at first. Now, Im starting to notice change. I'm becoming a better person. My loved ones have noticed it. It's crazy how different life feels. For anyone who has noticed their own narcissist tendacies and want to change. I believe in you. You can be a better person. Listen to your loved ones realities. Be mindful of your actions. Deal with the consequences of your actions. It will be hard but you cant give up. I believe in you. Keep it up, 👑

[@michele0324]

The problem with work around words is they don't capture the hostile and destructive patterns of behaviour that narcissistic personalities engage in and the long-term and sometimes lifelong consequences the abuse has on survivors and family dynamics.

[@Ax.DaEdge]

In the Religious Deliverance sphere, it is known 'to call the Demon by it's name' in order to cast it out. Why should anyone do any less? Call it by IT'S NAME!!

[@JD-mz1rl]

​@@Ax.DaEdgethe problem is too many here are self diagnosing in a two way relationship, unlike demonic possession which affects one person, therefore can be independently assessed by just one other person, in the case of a supposed narcissistic abusive relationship where the self is a participant in the relationship, it is impossible to objectively assess. Someone else -- a fair and impartial observer -- must be involved and brought up to speed with the facts from both sides. This by its very nature can be very difficult and without actual video evidence or the ability for the third party to live with and/or independently observe the relationship in its "natural" state, it can be difficult for the impartial observer to get the true facts due to potential misleading / bias (from both sides, even if one is more a victim) So to "call it by its name" is fine -- as long as you are right! But without the above... It may be that you are WRONG, and from what I can observe about this community here, there are many in both camps....

[@amivanzyl8876]

the common factor seems to be that these code words are used to say the narcissist is not responsible for their behaviour. they are hurt, or they are just exercising their shadow self etc. I escaped a deeply narcissistic family system, and am highly critical of my own behaviour because I don't want to perpetuate the cycles I was taught were normal. I often think the only difference between me and my family of origin is that I don't think excusing my behaviour is the same as being accountable for it.

[@cinemaocd1752]

All we can do is try to break the cycle...

[@inprogress5210]

I love your comment. I want to leave too.

[@iwonaula9]

Thank you Dr. Ramani. I grew up in a family that felt like a cult. My mother was the queen and she still is thanks to family enablers. I play the truth teller/ scape goat role and at this point I am spending my energy on creating boundaries. The sad part is that I am surrounded by a family that I am almost successful in escaping from. Very lonely place- on the external- I have family, but internally I know I do not. Any significant change in my life (e.g. divorce, illness of a child,, etc) I am on my own. Thank the Source for my children and friends. And I am so greatful for you Dr. Ramani. Whenever I question myself and my boundaries - I go back to your videos. You are helping/spreading awareness on such important life topics. Thank you.❤️

[@carolgonzales4262]

50 yrs with nex...6 yrs free. I can't thank Dr. Ramani enough for her knowledge and willingness to share with the world. I am happy being alone and enjoy finding myself. It does sadden me though that the reality is narcissists will always find people to abuse and will never change.

[@phoenixfire7110]

Dr Ramani, I don’t have the words to do justice to the difference you are making in the world. Your courage, authenticity, wisdom and compassion is truly inspiring. Please know that you are a beacon of light for humanity 🙏 💜

[@love_wins]

Words of wisdom from you Dr. Ramani … don’t get swallowed up by the narcissist!

[@lauracisco9677]

I love how Dr. Ramani calls it like it is. My "wounded" narc didn't care as he beat my walls, harrased me for a year, and contacted me by email to help him with new dog out of the blue. Then married two months later. These people are unrealistic and are not all wounded. My ex was not he is just a complete enabled narcissist. No one sugar coats it for the victims of these people as we are calling our therapists.

[@reddawn8230]

“Hurt people hurt people” is giving a pass to abusers.

[@ubilozberossus1579]

Hi @DoctorRamani. You have mentioned how other professionals view how you view and explain narcissism, and the criticism you have gotten for it. FWIW I think you are doing a great job of it and I truly believe that you have helped a large amount of people with your uploads. I am happy and relieved that you are continuing to do what you are doing and I hope you don't ever stop. Much love and respect.

[@goldilocks3593]

I have always thought more in terms of highly empathetic people having shadow sides we are trying to repress; like any form of taking (including absolutely healthy reciprocal “taking”). To me this is part of what attracts us to narcissists .. is that we have repressed that side so much (because we honestly deep down believe having needs is bad) that we are fascinated initially by someone who is such an unabashed taker. To me it seems like narcissists are locked in their “shadow side” permanently. All absence of truth and light. It is not the fearlessness we originally perceive.

[@cinemaocd1752]

Yeah, I look at narcs at my work, particularly females and I might admire them for "not suffering fools" etc. when reallyI think I'm just fascinated by someone who can have needs without twisting themselves into knots over it...

[@margareth1504]

So agree its no good to humanise that bad behaviour. Also I can see too that some hurt people, hurt people - not all. I.e. I was impressed when my young 8 year old person expressed while I listened to his emotional anger and upset that he was unfairly treated by a school teacher and it made him feel like he wanted to grow up and be a teacher, and hurt people too. Then from his own thoughts - he said that he realised that would obviously be unfair to the new hurt person, and he doesnt want to hurt anyone, but thats how it made him feel at that particular moment then, and he definitely wont do that. He said he liked being able to talk about it out loud, and able to work out his feelings himself. He wanted to be understood and allowed to say what bothered him, and it was good to see him choose compassion for others even though he felt that he was treated poorly by another, snd he was only 8 😊

[@lynnemarylou7611]

That was so good he was able to speak out his feelings and come to that realisation... it's good to talk in a safe space and hear yourself. May he continue to grow up and be a wholesome young man in Jesus' name

[@tazgee599]

Dr. Romani you are amazing all other mental health “professionals” are Hipócrates! They are probably the narcissist in society too and the enablers to tell the patients they consult that is ok to behave that way! Thank you for being an awesome person full of integrity that has help some many of us to survive and heal! ❤❤❤❤

[@andrewgawlik4961]

I feel like I might fall under that "too empathic" category... ironically when I called out mistreatment, I got labeled as a "complainer", "selfish", and seen as "making a big deal out of nothing" however rare it may be.... because I have an aversion to conflict and have been trying to learn how to stick up for myself to get my needs met and actually build up my self worth and self-esteem to health levels. That certainly made me feel like my experiences were minimized, especially when usually I "let things go" to be more tolerant.... that ends up shaking the soda bottle... and when no dependable outlet is available and the same things keep happening, I do explode... often apologizing moments after... I might ruminate over what I have done wrong and how I could have handled things better... but when the person at the brunt of the explosion was exhibiting those narcissistic traits, I actually realize that I was trapped and there was no "good solution" to the problem.

[@sarahholland9201]

On my healing journey I've found myself stuck for a long time in the trying to understand the narcissists from my past and analysing the why they are who they are and why they did what they did .. Yes, I believe they have traumas etc but it's a CHOICE to act like they do... We are all misunderstood and have all had tough lives... It's called LIFE... So getting back to being stuck in the whole trying to 'get it' regarding the narcissists in my past and someone resently told me to I need to stop trying to figure it out because I'm never going to understand them... That actually made sense too me as I've been on a constant repeat but not letting go and moving on.. I heard a quote 'Theres nothing really to forgive.' and that just blew me away because there's something so liberating in that.. For my overthinking and hurt mind it's brought about a feeling off release and making way for more tranquility .. I'm learning to be ok with not having all the answers or closure and with focusing on the only one I'm responsible for, which is me.. 😊🌈

[@robinjayasvasti9598]

The “ Hurt People Hurt People” statement is so powerful! I treat BETTER WHEN hurt, because I have so much inner reflection and don’t want anyone else to feel this way ! I had childhood trauma, but worked through it and continue to! The toxic abuser and Narc. Chose not to.! So NO excuses to hurt anyone

[@hitashasharma2178]

I had to stop this video when she said how the narcisisst says "I think we both behaved badly". It gave me goosebumps since it is literally the gist of my recent romantic encounter with a narcissist. Not only did he not take any accountability for his bad behaviour and relentlessly gaslighted and manipulated me, he tried to make it both of our faults. He blamed me back using direct/indirect means. The experience really effed me up and am trying to gather myself back. I pray for the others who stayed longer and are still in these arrangements. NOBODY deserves this. Edit: He literally said "hurt people hurt people" in our last conversation. Goosebumps x2

[@marywhaley4675]

Thank you for this. Often times hurt people do not want to become like the people that hurt them. Life experiences teach us also how to not behave.

[@cindyc]

Find a lot of them seem to be materially spoiled but emotionally neglected

[@teresadvorak6145]

Yeah, like they will give us exspensive gifts & things instead of just being decent & nice. This is how my narc is. I don't want gifts or money, I am starving for my narc just to be nice & treat me right

[@ld3418]

Thank you for calling this out. As scapegoat of malicious malignant narcissist mother who had jealous hatred of me since I was birn over my father's love, one thrown under the bus by that father and all of her family to tow her line, betrayed by my golden child brother, married to a "tolerable" narcissist who kept me in line through his violent rages for the last 40 years, and now the betrayal of my narcissist sone when I finally said no to supporting him at 33 and his brat gf by building them a homestead and house and caring for them until I die. None of these people have been hurt. They were spoiled and indulged.

[@NarcissistFreealmost]

Dr. Ramani - you're going to be the one to shift paradigms at last. ❤

[@TLHawco]

Thank you for keeping it real Dr. Ramani! You have given me so much clarity in how to proceed with 2 narcissistic people in my life. I kept feeling if I give more, love them more, be kinder etc…. They will be ok. Now I know that no matter what I do or say, it will Never be enough ❤🙏

[@robbrewer2036]

No hope get rid of them,they bite you even when you try to help them.

[@TLHawco]

@@robbrewer2036 I totally agree. I have left one of these people behind. The other is a little more difficult as she is a child of mine. Having said that she is almost 50 years old. I am learning how to be in touch but stay detached from the drama.

[@FloridaGirl-]

Fact! 👍

[@sukkar5200]

Teal Swan said in one recent interview that narcissism is not a disorder but just an attachment style🤦. I also noticed that 'difficult' people go easily as 'conservative'. I appreciate your work enormously, Dr. Ramani💚

[@priscillatse1332]

Teal Swan is dangerous. She’s very attractive but I had this gut warning about her. This was awhile back I first discovered her. Anyway I did some digging and found what her early followers or employees said about how her. It’s all available online if you are interested.

[@AliciaGuitar]

She is an obvious narcissist herself. I warned a friend about her for years then the Hulu show came out and he was finally convinced

[@jennagle5554]

You are awesome! I'm still recovering from a covert narcissist adult daughter. Missed family events, screaming, threats, constant guilt trips. From age 15 to 30 I was constantly trying to please her. I now know so much, had never even heard of a covert until a year ago. I now see the baiting, traps and tests that she tries every time I speak to her and have clear boundaries. I see it all so clearly now but the pain is still real.

[@mathildevhargon9760]

The words "difficult person" are so far from the reality of the willful constant lying, manipulative, coercive, and systematically destructively behaving person of a true abusive narcissist, that it's nothing but a horrible and misleading euphemism. A difficult person sounds like someone who wants everything done their way, is argumentative and stubborn and can occasionally throw an immature tantrum. That is mild compared to what most victims of narcissistic abuse experience every day.

[@user-wi9hv2pb2q]

yes a difficult person would mean obstinate or perhaps overly emotional etc. someone that makes getting a task done more stressful, maybe working around instead of with. A narcissist doesn't care about the task at hand they are in the back with your boss trying to get you fired. It's all personal, vindictive, and destructive.

[@owlbegonebygone]

I've created a mantra for myself: "Bad behavior is bad behavior." I was hurt, but I do not hurt others. Regardless of the "cause," toxic behavior is toxic behavior. As you said in your book, "the result is the same."

[@lisagrimes4801]

One of your best videos I’ve seen yet. Thanks, Dr. Ramani for your commitment, long hours spent, reading and studying, and your big heart.

[@mistybutcher4876]

Love you Dr. Ramani!! One year free of a 19-year narcissist and your videos helped me so much! Thank you for dedicating your work in this area.

[@LisaRanae79]

Freedom, sweet freedom!! I’m so glad you were able to finally get out. May you find complete rest, peace in your soul and much needed and deserved healing and happiness! God bless, friend!

[@suecole5543]

The smirk when they know they have hit a trigger. No empathy , all about themselves , cruel hurtful comments. They seem to enjoy the pain they infict on others . They enjoy putting you down in front of others.

[@thehappyhound770]

My new mantra (in recent years) is "better to bring home a bad dog, than a bad boy!" My life now is filled with recovering "bad" dogs--and I love it! (And some of them are very handsome!)

[@harold7618]

Lay-person conversation frequently uses the word "narcissistic" too flippantly, using it to describe conceit. The result is that true narcissism is viewed lightly by those who have not had much experience with them.

[@tesia626]

"The person is difficult." As opposed to calling them a narcissist when they are or likely are one. Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for discussing this. We should be able to call people what they they are! Especially when we're dealing with abuse.

[@ladyb5064]

Having a difficult past can never explain the harm done by the narcissist

[@IQTech61]

I have found so much healing thanks to your videos. My narcissistic ex is very popular in one of my church groups. I have found ways to remain civil with them when I need to. But when I am asked why we broke up because they "are so awesome!" of if I will work with them, I decline to discuss the matter. I simply say, "We just aren't good for each other. I'm sure it's a karmic thing." and people leave me in peace.

[@davidm4566]

A character on Stranger Things described this really well. You don't tell everyone that the chemical plant is doing alien research and about to kill everyone, which was true in the show. I stead you tell everyone that they are polluting or something that is also true. This is more likely to bring sympathy and have people try to help shut it down, rather than have everyone think you are crazy. The first thing many people think when someone accuses another of being a narcissist is that the accuser is actually the narcissist or they are overreacting. That's why I try to only tell only a few people about my narcissist ex-wife. It's better to describe only a little of how she treated me and let others come to their own conclusion than go shouting it to the rooftops. "You have to dilute the drink to get people to like it" -paraphrase from that guy on Stranger Things.

[@Rickettsia505]

Glad you got out. I did too. I just say m8ne was twisted.

[@HeyMykee]

I've devoted a big chunk of my life to studying Jung, and have done shadow work for years. You seem to understand it quite well. The shadow lurks deep inside, it doesn't sit right on the surface all the time, as narcissism does (though they hide it when it benefits them to do so). In fact I'd say narcissists have repressed most of their positive traits into the shadow, and let the negative traits (the ones most of us repress) come right to the surface.

[@anonymos5726]

As a human being, with a free will, we are called to make decisions 24/7. Those decisions can be for ourselves and affecting only us, or could be decisions affecting other people. No matter what the past is, you can make a decision to be nice or not. My ex was a sadistic, malignant narcissist, thank you dr Ramani and others online, i finally understand what circumstances i managed to come out of alive. That doesn't allow me to be mean or hurt others. On the contrary, i know what pain feels like, i don't wish it on my worst enemy. Being nice and loving is our natural state.

[@COLEONA0120]

In my experience with "NARCISSIST" personality styles, if that's what is acceptable to call it are on the dark side mentally due to SEVERE addiction to some substance and/or material object. They feel that the powers at be use them for their benefits (which could be) but refuse to change themselves as an individual. They continue to use their addiction for "POWER" which in turn leaves them with less power physically. The "NARCISSIST" personality again plays on mental well-being. So let's say I like my house clean and in order due to my past abuse, they do things on purpose to use your comfort/happiness to frustrate you, because they thrive of of negativity. There is no balance in their life. Which to me should prove that they will do anything to continue to hurt those that have a PURE HEART. People with true, pure, intentions to help someone understand this concept. If their is no real want to change that is a person who enjoys the pain they cause to themselves or another individual. The saying birds of a feather flock together is the best way to explain this. Hope is helps someone today.

[@beatricemoser599]

I was bullied by three narcissistic women, I'm a woman, too. It was all about the money, funny lifetime and the appreciation of their glory. Your words are so helpful, every time I listen to you it all comes so much more clear. It is exactly what they do and say. And what the main topic is about. Than you so much.

[@Tarotlynx]

Yes, I can see it. No matter how attractive they are, there are good reasons not to partner with Heathcliff or the Phantom of the Opera.

[@psychiatrytidbits]

Enablers are hung up on image.. and calling out a narcissist disrupts that. Phrases like: "I am sure they didn't mean to say/do that". "Choose to see good in him/her". "You misunderstood what they meant". "They say you're too cold" "Why do you choose to only see the bad in them?"

[@shenazuppal5145]

I’ve lived my whole life trying to fix myself, to no avail. Until I started to understand I wasted my life with a narcissist.. now I’m fixing myself by healing with baby steps..

[@michellebeishline4657]

This IMO: People are nothing but patterns (for the most part). I ask myself and ask others to ask themselves, "what are so and so's patterns?" "Is this behavior a pattern?" This keeps me in check and informs how I move forward. I don't care about what they meant to do, or this or that, or their past. The after effect is the same. The why's don't matter much to me anymore.

[@lesliesexton7555]

These videos are such a life saver. I feel more free today after 5 days of leaving the toxic friendship.

[@WoodenFeather-xm3vl]

I cannot thank Dr. Ramani enough not only for validating the victims of this heinous abuse, but also pioneering the ultimate goal for all of us who have survived it, HEALING. Living a fulfilled life despite the damage of these toxic personality disordered people. She is correct about the hurt people angle. I have been hurt severely, but I certainly make it point not to willfully and maliciously abuse others because of that hurt. Bless you Dr. Ramani

[@edwong4178]

I heard it explained this way: there’s the person we want to be, the person we think we are and the person we truly are. For the narcissist, there is a chasm between the latter and former two.

[@MM-op6ys]

Thank you Dr. Ramani for putting words into what we have lived for so many years. I watch these videos for clarification as well as for my own growth and self healing. Thank you sooo much.

[@norar4023]

Dear Dr. Ramani. I can't thank you enough for your y tube channel about narcissism and calling it for what it really is. For years I was caught in a cycle of self blame, guilt , false sense of hope and gaslighting from some of my family members. It felt like I was stuck in emotional hell. Some days I felt like an Alice in wonderland not knowing what is real and what is not anymore just falling in to the rabbit whole. I read your book " do you know who I am?" And listen to your channel and finally understood what I was dealing with. They used all of the manipulation techniques you can think of. Thank you again, you really help people to finally find peace.

[@bettybabwah3923]

I have noted from your videos what narcissism is and WILL call it out clearly without fear. I am one who will NEVER suffer in fear, even if it means being alone with my view!!!

[@matthewwozniak9138]

You are correct when you say some hurt people help other people that have been hurt the same way. This a therapeutic way of healing yourself.

[@kaseylv922]

Thank-you for this, you are absolutely right, and shame on the mental health professionals that are either too afraid to call someone out on abusive behavior, or too insecure to make their own ethical decisions, choosing just to run with the pack. No matter what the reason behind the narcissistic behavior, there should be a firm line that hurting others is not right, and should not be tolerated. Thank-you again for all your videos.

[@jennywager6228]

Absolutely spot on again! Not all hurt people stay stunted and destruct the life of others in aduthood. To harm your own children is the lowest of the low and the shadow is as big as nighfall!

[@helenaBLYATvatsky]

02:00 : dark side / shadow self 08:25 : "hurt people hurt people" 16:54 : "they're just difficult" 25:24 : "they are wounded" 35:20 : "they're misunderstood"

[@aliceroberts1980]

My mother that’s a narcissistic or has narcissistic traits would always say well that’s just the way he (my narcissistic husband) is like it was normal for years I listen to her and him and was trapped. For years I didn’t know what was going on I think she knew what he was doing to me and she just didn’t care he a 100 times worse than she is

[@TheYogadeva]

Thank you for the timing

[@knittingpassion6106]

Narc doesn't feel anyrhing

[@lynnemarylou7611]

👍

[@reetarhodes5433]

Thank you!

[@cloudwalker8266]

A justification for narcissistic behavior I heard from a mental health professional: "Well, she's an addict."

[@teresadvorak6145]

Yep, an addict of narcissism 😅🤣

[@cloudwalker8266]

@@davesmith2014 Still need to hold them accountable for their behavior, though