Narcissists KNOW (but don't know) when they've done something BAD

[@tenningale]

Notice how narcs like to act all normal when there's an audience, then watch how they act in the car, at home, or any situation where the victim is isolated. This is proof that they know what they're doing is wrong.

[@BobTheSchipperke]

This is why I am not alone with them, or I record a video when around them.

[@llamamama2910]

Relationships can get so toxic this way-yes couples need private conversations and need some sort of United front-but not a mask that drops and leaves one partner exposed to abuse or both screaming at each other.

[@LC-bc4ue]

That’s exactly how my children and I were domestic abused.

[@olyabrenner3590]

I’m still being harassed how it upset them and it was turned around to where they didn’t want to be with me anymore because truly I was the narcissist and the problem in the relationship being a victim and so so so on😢😢😢

[@leslie5493]

I feel this 100% with my narc. It’s so weird to experience it in actual.

[@nathanielpresent]

They know. They are often sweethearts in front of strangers but demons at home.

[@kingrenee1]

That is 1000% true!

[@shermanbaker]

I looked forward to going out because I knew she'd be nice to me again. Of course, we rarely went anywhere.

[@jmbailey7220]

My grandmother called this type of person a “street angel/house devil.”

[@randomcrap4230]

My mom always said this about me, that I was fake and phony and mean and nasty "in real life" and only act nice and helpful around strangers. I was always so confused because NOBODY else ever said this about me. Only her. And SHE was the one who would act nice in front of others and then relentlessly bully me, a child, behind closed doors. I realize now that she was just projecting her own shit on to me.

[@innocentesimbare6742]

I called my ex husband narcissist and my oldest sister. The angels of the streets and the devils of the home.

[@MrRobot-jb5tI]

It’s like narcissists live in their own reality show where they’re always the hero, even when they’re the villain.

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

Well said

[@faithhopecharity2386]

Absolutely 🎯

[@SurplusMystery]

​​@KarmaKarma-ml2hfunfortunately just found out my mom was one last year so that was fun

[@appaloosa42]

@KarmaKarma-ml2hf be a tigertamer.

[@Exiled.New.Yorker]

Every one of them is the Star of their own Anime.

[@annettglass7290]

The bottom line is they don't care about what they do to others , they only care about protecting their image. Dr. Ramani, I hope your cough will go away and that you feel better soon.❤😊

[@robinkholmes7127]

Sorry they got caught

[@saulescamilla3605]

I noticed they do care about the bad actions of what they did to you… they care they have CONSEQUENCES! Not that they actually feel bad for what they did. They are so selfish that everything they do is only for personal gains. Like the commenter above me said they are sorry they got caught and not even, they get mad at you for catching them! Ain’t that something?

[@SoberBangBangVeteran]

If we don’t feel empathy, how can we truly care?

[@sandyhenry3238]

Narcissist know but, then tell themselves all these false reasons why you deserve their bad behavior so, now the Narc doesn't see what they did wrong because they gave themselves an excuse to be horrific to you.

[@robinkholmes7127]

The number one person a narc gaslights is themselves

[@peacenquiet77]

It’s self-justification

[@stephyta84]

Always trying to excuse themselves by pointing out others bad behavior

[@harmonyvaneaton4101]

Sometimes they also bargain with "God". They basically say "Oh, I did one good thing so now I can do one bad thing". They care about whether they will end up in heaven or hell, so they tell themselves it balances out. I was told that years of abuse was okay because money, coffee, and they didn't step on ants. Everything good they do is transactional and selfish.

[@truthseeker-mk4rt]

As the victimizer they Know.... but then cycle around... to become the "blameless victim"... 🔄 and That's How they play "this game"...

[@irinacan3492]

When narcissists understand that they did something shady and they look bad, they get angry, lash out, blame you for their behavior or remind you all the bad things about yourself.

[@lesliesejda9172]

I can identify with this exactly! Unfortunately

[@TheKrispyfort]

Narcissists don't like it when the quiet part is said aloud.

[@mieshadashae5718]

Instant narcissistic injury

[@NeonCicada]

When something "goes without saying" -- narcissists usually feel the need to say them aloud (often used as a 'baiting' strategy in high conflict personalities). _Truth doesn't mind being questioned, but a lie does not like being challenged._ Gotta love the hypocritical irony of narcissistic behaviours 😅 (they may get upset when someone does this to them ... while also engaging in this behavioural pattern themselves ... however, due to their narcissistic POV; they tend to see things quite differently when they're the ones doing it to others)

[@ThisIsSoMomo]

I got my ex husband arrested for attempt of sexual assault and domestic violence. Months after the incident, during the divorce process, he wrote me an “apology letter”, where he blamed me for “hurting his pride” when I rejected him, and that’s why he forced me. He ended the letter with: it takes 2 to destroy a marriage. Thank God by that time I was more independent and after many therapy sessions, I could identify the gaslighting and understood the narcissistic manipulation I went through. The first video I watched from Doctor Ramani was like she was describing a regular day in my life. It was so on point that it was scary. I’m so lucky I got out from that marriage.. alive.

[@8888alouette888]

Wow, that is so shocking 😳 I hope you're doing all the therapy you need to love yourself and heal ❤

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

That reminds me of my ex narc's grandmother, a malignant narcissist herself, calling my mother after our break up to shame her for MY going to a customer telling them he never paid me for the work we did on their home. I was trying to apply pressure on him to pay me for months of unpaid work. He also cheated on me and did all kinds of nasty things at the end trying to destroy me. She didn't know I was there with my mother and I grabbed the phone and told her some bullet points on what he did to me. Her response was that "two wrongs don't make a right". I think she meant in her mind that a hundred abuses from her grandson never gave me permission to stand up for myself even a little. Total psycho and she mostly raised him, which is why he is a psycho.

[@hollyblumenthal8492]

It takes two to tango (I hate that phrase). It also takes two for a mugging. The attacker and the victim. It does Not take two to destroy a relationship. Period. Stay strong. 💜🦋💜

[@caterpillar9825]

What episode was that?

[@KL-zg7lu]

Even if they can't articulate exactly what they've done wrong, they know fully-well when they've wronged a person terribly.

[@Timetomakethedonuts28]

And yet.............

[@Mom-277]

The fact that they don't even bring up your silence is indicative of their wrongdoing. They know...

[@kkryz]

Saw this quote the other day... "Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength - Eric Hoffer". Applies to women too.

[@TheKrispyfort]

And women were already referred to as being the weaker sex. That defensive mechanism has been passed down through the generations.

[@bagoodhuman143]

It applies to all human if woman thinks she is human it’s applicable to her

[@Smith.S.sStocHasticSs]

😲 waaaow -- that explains a lot

[@Smith.S.sStocHasticSs]

😂 it reads like u mean women are awful, women are the worst and men are always the greatest no matter what everything bad is all women's fault forever til the end of time- no backsees or some shit ppl b getting triggered AF. 😅 these comments are like an old jbp interview

[@LisaVaughton]

Fabulous quote

[@Floppa_meme12]

Being with the narc will drained your soul 😭

[@jocypare6019]

Yes this is true. It requires way too much patience

[@Floppa_meme12]

Too much patience that leads you to anxiety depression, panic attacks and other illness🥹 it’s so hard to deal with a narc when you still have a baby that needs your care 🥹 I am mentally and emotionally tired as hell😭

[@valiizajames925]

Your Soul 💯😓

[@sandyhenry3238]

Yup, Mine is a soul sucker but, right now I have a protection order and he was removed which makes going through the divorce better and I have some peace. Man makes $141k a year and won't get his son milk!

[@renarich4942]

@@Floppa_meme12hi I’m living this rn . I wish I could reach out to you. I have no family if u do please ask them to come and help you because we don’t need you going into a crisis

[@csfiskus610]

Narcissists are generally aware of how awful their behavior is. They are not remorseful and hate having to apologize for it.

[@kymfjohnson1]

They will not apologize at all.

[@SoberBangBangVeteran]

If we don’t feel empathy, how can we truly care?

[@calebkeegan3023]

Absolutely hate getting caught

[@calebkeegan3023]

Funny mine said im in therapy im not a narc then said miss u love u i know ut still hurts when agreed an call her out on recent shady behavior blocked ignore me hate her 6 months single abstinent almost fell for hoover month ago but quickly saw the gaslighting lies disappear took her location off women like this more an more

[@tlove6932]

They think they're "Gods" & should be Worshipped. False Idols. Idolatry.©️

[@seeenn7428]

For narcissists, it's ALL about how people SEE them.

[@chima1415]

and then they PRETEND, Deflect AND GASLIGHT you..... I can't!!!

[@ApocalypseofMichael]

As part of the grooming process of narcs, they test you to assess your level of tolerance for their traits and abusive actions towards you. They then assume that the level is ok to be, so dismiss their actions and traits as acceptable and see no wrong doing in them. But like all addict's, it always takes more and more to fullfill their need for abusive supply. Arrogant ignorance to the level of harm they inflict because to not be so means they will not get the supply of abuse acceptance that they so need. Vampires with fangs of personality disorder. I will not be drained again. Not with all you've taught me. You need an award!🎉❤

[@zachscully]

Dr. Ramani really knows why seeking to get understanding and compassion and a real apology and growth from a narcissist, is a total waste of effort. Effort better put into better loving yourself and people capable and motivated to reciprocate healthy, respectful behavior.

[@sushmayen]

They're aware that their behavior is bad and play mind games that make us anxious if we're not careful.

[@amberdavis7243]

This is so true. I walked away yesterday because he caused me so much anxiety that I realized I never wanna deal with him again. It was terrible smh I'm praying my nervous system regulates itself and I get out of flight or fight mode. My chest and stomach hurt right now for no reason smh

[@robinkholmes7127]

Narcs need an enemy and love conflict. They just hate being in a position where they can loose.

[@SoberBangBangVeteran]

🤫

[@stephaniearamburo5096]

I feel like I'm constantly keeping the "Peace" by walking on eggshells. I know the consequences if I rattle the cage. It's absolutely unapologetic and the vindictive behavior will be horrific.

[@ardent9422]

They know, but you’d have to pay really close attention to see that moment of shame on their face. The defense mechanism aspect of narcissism kicks in real fast to deny and justify whatever they did. When people say their brains are wired differently, this is it.

[@brandirobinson8430]

They don't feel bad. They just don't want to deal with the consequences. That's what they give a shit about.

[@renarich4942]

They wired their brain that way bit by bit 1st to survive and then 😫

[@cindynimmo]

Title grabbed me. So true. They know and feel badly inside but are unable to change their behavior, express their shame out loud, or admit the bad behavior to others. They often seem just as stuck as those in relationships with them feel. The conditions in society also reinforce these abnormal “norms”

[@sissymayemaye]

Hope you’re feeling ok, Doc. If you need to take a rest for a bit, go ahead. We’ll be here when you get back😊

[@lauragrace2165]

This ❤

[@ucca.ana.maria.v]

❤ Agree 😊

[@lindabell6954]

Key word “ waste of time”! Keep your good energy and good heart for those who can reciprocate. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Where would we be without your wisdom and compassion?

[@mr.coffee6109]

They know but justify so as one said, “My conscience is clear” after doing cruel things. Get well, Doctor R.

[@Jeanne90275]

They blame the victim.

[@Heal..Restore..Moveforward]

So so true...I got all that.. when she was the one abusing and exploiting people she accused me of wanting all her money.

[@Erica-cf1xb]

Whore tactic. It's easy to do once they KNOW you are down. They can bump monkey fist and finally get you. That's how stupid think. It's a a scammer.

[@pyarkaaloo]

And continue to gang stalk, intimidate, harass via proxy & minion

[@clintonnagy1662]

The amount of drama they create is mind boggling. They don't understand they are the ones making problems. It's really disturbing.

[@Heal..Restore..Moveforward]

​@@clintonnagy1662In my experience the narc purposefully created drama...she loved games...watching people react was an enjoyable past time to her.

[@happym3008]

They use care and food to try to distract u from Their rage They think ur like a kid that they csn distract u with a candy

[@bagoodhuman143]

Perfectly said they buy you and then discard you Be aware when it’s a intimate relationship

[@neommutle8033]

Yes, my mother does that. Very true

[@ArchAngel435]

This is so true. He'd come home with bags full of groceries, chocolates n icecream after he had cooled off. It was a pattern of discard n love bombing, using sex to make up which felt contorted and sick

[@SarahEvans-e3g]

I grew up in a collectivist culture. They do it publicly and in groups. A great way to demonstrate their guile and dominance. A bonding activity: abusing vulnerable people. I agree. These relationships are a colossal waste of time.

[@SkyWatcher929]

i caught him telling our daughter to "never admit it, never ever, no matter what" i was gone within 6 months after planning - we snuck out while he was at work

[@ArchAngel435]

Our 14 yr old daughter caught him soliciting for sex on his mobile. That was a decade ago, but he blamed her for destroying our marriage before moving on with his new supply, a former divorce client.

[@SkyWatcher929]

@@ArchAngel435 geez

[@ashleypearson7848]

Narcissists know what they need to do to keep.their amazing reputation. But at the end of the day they don't really care who they hurt hence the lack of empathy. But they do show more empathy compared to.a psychopath or sociopath. But when they truly know they hurt someone they try to gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong and that's why they reacted the way they did. It's a never ending cycle of complete chaos and drama and toxicity.

[@carinaohlin1411]

I agree 🙏

[@ashleypearson7848]

@@carinaohlin1411 thank you! 😊

[@munichgirl2514]

Yep exactly

[@erikaluhr4461]

My ex Gaslighted me last month about his behavior that caused me to leave him 36 yrs ago. He told me it was my fault he abused me.

[@ashleypearson7848]

@@erikaluhr4461 I'm sorry you had to.go through that! They are very hard ppl to deal with it i know first hand!

[@lynnebucher6537]

In my experience I believe they totally know they're doing wrong, but their desire to serve their own personal wants or needs completely overrides any desire to do anything else where there is no perceived payoff for them. And since they lack empathy, this is a very easy decision for them to make. If they weren't fully aware they are doing something wrong they wouldn't have such polished defense mechanisms in place.

[@NinaSpence-xe7rf]

This is spot on

[@munichgirl2514]

Exactly

[@PotsandPansWhatsPotsandPans]

I get punished every time my mother does anything wrong. She absolutely can’t handle negative feelings like guilt so whenever she hurts me, she needs to turn it around and make me the bad guy

[@charleskinsey3994]

same and as an adult I just had to let her go

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

Hope you're feeling better soon, Dr. Ramani

[@justacoginthefkery]

The best way I can describe my ex's mentality was a delusional level of self-awareness. He hid his true nature from public eye because he KNEW he wasn't quite right in the head. He did occasionally show moments of clarity where he understood he was doing wrong, but it would quickly be replaced with the blame shifting & justifications. I eventually figured out that the mind fkery he used on me or others was the same kind of mental gymnastics he used on himself to avoid his own guilt & shame. He knew. He just couldn't bring himself to acknowledge the reality that he's also victim of his own mindset rather than the victim of those who refused to accept his behavior.

[@clairethalken]

Chess with the devil. That is fantastic. I just dealt with this. I left a job where the primary client was a covert narcissist. I refused to play the game, and just withdrew.

[@dr.carolfetters-morgan804]

Seems like no contact is the only path to live peacefully...

[@ryanw1433]

I just got a no contact order, going on 10 days now. Most peace I’ve had in many years.

[@IldikoDevai]

Another thing they do when you call them out, is they will flat out deny they even did it say what they are being accused of! They "don't remember." So, obviously there is nothing they can discuss. If they are older, they will be the "poor me older person, my memory is not so great." But then they have an amazing memory about whatever makes them look good, sometimes just a few minutes later. Their memory is good or bad, based on what serves them the best in the moment...

[@AdmiringGreyElephant-fw4hc]

My narc said there were a few things he could teach God. Then says he is a Christian man!!!! He is not here anymore. God will not be mocked.

[@FuzzyValentine-n3h]

Been no contact with parents for a decade. I have to come back to watch Ramani every year to remind me why I left, when time softens your heart and you are still fighting the lingering gaslighting feeling of "maybe it wasn't that bad" "maybe I'm remembering wrong" . No, I left for a reason, regardless of the reason they did what they did, my truth is that they made me feel terrible about myself and I don't owe them anything. They still the same people, no change, they still want an apology for my leaving, and no concern for my well being. Thank you Ramani. ❤ You help keep me sane.

[@anitaallen3163]

They are everywhere, sending hugs to you all.

[@occallie]

"Some people get hopeful when they believe that the narcissistic person gets it." We just have to keep reminding ourselves that they DON'T CARE TO get it, even though they do, and could care less as long as they're doing what they do.

[@lizaddison5751]

Oh they know. Recently My mother made ANOTHER incorrect, horrible judgment of me and attacked me for something I DID NOT DO. This time I stepped right back, texted her to let her know she has misjudged and was nasty. Her reply, let's put our differences behind us... I Love YOU, i replied the next day. There are no differences to put behind, you misjudged me again and wrote some very nasty things to me, however I have already put it behind me as it had nothing to do with me. She replied with a Teddy Bear saying I Love You... Have no spoke since, saw her at a family birthday last weekend with loads of relatives, she knew not to come sit at my table. I am sure she will within time turn to my family and say I have not called and I will look like the horrible one, but guess what...I have spoken my truth (for the 100th time) and I am good with that now.

[@dkblue9331]

🤢 Sounds like my mother. Had to go no contact as never ever takes responsibility for her abusive behaviour. Well done for stating the truth!

[@moonstrukk126]

My Mil moved in with us BRIEFLY and she had zero respect for my household, refused to help with any chores, used the clean towels meant for my 3 sons all under the age of 7. Everytime I approached her about cleaning up after herself or doing her own laundry she pipe about how many rules I had. Finally I had had it and just stopped. I hung up a beautiful sign that said "Believe people when they show you who they are." I had a whole bunch of quotes hanging on our bulletin board so it wasn't unusual or strange to see things put up there. She walks in all haughty as usual, walks past the bulletin board..she backs up reads it and proclaims "OH is that meant for ME?!!" So self righteous and indignant. I just smiled and shrugged. Eventually I went no contact. My husband inherited some of her narcissistic traits but we're working on it. He's very eager to avoid behaving like her. She is a covert narcissist and it's funny to see her now because she's old and has nobody in her life. She makes a wonderful first impression and on the surface seems like a sweet old lady. I almost believe it 😂but then her true colors shine. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with her

[@robinkholmes7127]

Ballsy move to call her out on her BS. I'm glad you went no contact.

[@tosca9561]

I surely do feel for you. My mother is a covert narcissist and just gets nastier as she gets older. I’m only around her when it’s truly unavoidable and I can handle it. 🦋

[@donttreadonme2]

I'm glad you finally have some peace and don't have to deal with her to much anymore. Also, the smile that went on my face when you said your husband is working on not continuing in her footsteps with that type of behavior. Thank God for that.

[@renarich4942]

@@donttreadonme2mine can’t admit there is an issue

[@donttreadonme2]

@@renarich4942 oh, how do I feel you on that one! I'm just sooo grateful my CV was finally able to make me see what was really going on. That being: the only "issues that were going on here "are all mine..." its a good thing he let me know what was REALLY happening... NOT!!!!! This is just the same shit, different day. "Pete and Repeat sat on a rock. Pete fell off. Who was left? Repeat." (X infinity if you're dealing with a narcissist).

[@amarbyrd2520]

"CHESS WITH THE DEVIL" 😮😮❤ - okay, bam and also wow 👏

[@bittu-kd7zy]

You are not a stealer of hope Dr.Ramani. you are keeping it real for us. You are my anchor ⚓️ ♥️

[@chrishutton2988]

Get well soon Dr Ramani! I love every video you make for us. They have helped me greatly. Thank you very much xxx

[@Suchitra99]

One must say to them, “What?! That's not about you. You are so wonderful!” and proceed to post another quote the next day.

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

I love it. The passive aggressive quality in this response is like giving them their own medicine. It's saying it while maintaining plausible deniability. The covert narc is a master at this. "Oh no, it's just a joke. Don't take it personally."

[@renarich4942]

Nah u must rise above that pettiness. There is a quote that comes to mind guilt conscience needs no accuser.

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

@@renarich4942 I think sometimes we need to protect ourselves and put up some boundaries, especially if someone has crossed yours repeatedly and you can't get through to them and they are in your lives for the time being. Rising above is great, but sometimes we also need to not be someone else's punching bag. And telling people that they should just rise above abuse while the person is being abused and can't leave the situation is pretty harsh. I put up with decades of this passive aggressive crap and only once did I speak up for myself. I feared that I would be a bad person if I did. All conditioning by the abusers.

[@angelinasimon3513]

Narcissists never do any deep dives into their behaviours. It's always your fault when you noticed something is wrong.

[@rosiereal]

Our couples therapist doesn't think my husband is a narcissist, because he has changed some behaviors. Now he's thrown me under the bus twice in 2 weeks regarding a stressful family situation. It made me take a hard look at how much "fixing" I do for him in daily life. He makes a joke out of it, telling me & everyone else "she takes me too seriously." Thanks for the reality check.

[@liba4089]

couple therapy can be tricky with narcs..you have to open up and now they know even better where to hit later. like an instruction to destroy you. beware.

[@LValley-kz3yc]

Thank you Dr Ramani. Yes, agreeing with them about their bad behavior is like waving a red cape infront of a bull. Get ready for the horns.

[@captlanc]

Get well soon, Dr Ramani. Don't work too hard now. If you're sick you need rest. Sending you well wishes.

[@Yvonne775]

Your hair looks beautiful today, Dr.Ramani!

[@TimothyTaylor-w6d]

They know! They know, They know, They know!

[@Dee-mj3pu]

It's a narc injury when other people know!

[@ymagdelana216]

Thank you for confirming

[@womanlyire1217]

Im a huge fan of you not cutting the moment you sipped your drink and adjusted the camera. Love to see reality. ❤

[@China-129]

*“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.” ―Edward Abbey*

[@TheKrispyfort]

That person understood the different between rule and guardianship, and that most others don't.

[@Poppy-yx8js]

We don’t want you on abuse forums

[@Poppy-yx8js]

Go away

[@Poppy-yx8js]

You’re are not an anarchist or “China” you’re a liar and a troll

[@123YMR]

Don’t tell a narc that anything is about them, it will make them feel important, exactly what they want. Just ignore them or ask them why they always want to talk about themselves, that usually shuts them up.

[@theloveflows8773]

Exactly. When you reach the point inside yourself where you realize and accept you will never get through to them and they will never see you❤Thank you Dr. R❤

[@Kenzieb12350]

I got rid of all social media about a month ago so none of my narc family can keep up with me. SO freeing!!

[@curuvari2247]

Just wanna say I appreciate that these videos are filmed in one take and not cut. Wouldn’t be an issue if they were, ofc, but this way, everything feels very transparent and genuine - like a conversation, not something fabricated. Edit: slight rewording

[@deborahredekop7107]

"These relationships are a waste of time" struck me ! Oh way am I twisting myself to keep in relationship, when I don't have to 🎉 thank you soooooo much for all that you do to give us the courage and words to understand it isn't "me"/"us" !!! You are my hero I learn something that I can apply to my live every time I listen to you ...."may the universe shower you with peace and love" 🤗❤

[@heyitsme5469]

You totally described my mother! She reads between the lines on every social media post I make, and then twists it into some diss on her. Which tells me that she does know exactly what she’s doing and how she treats me. The funny thing is, I don’t post about her at all.

[@kalasmith9472]

Narcs are so self-absorbed they think every post is about them even if it’s not.

[@8888alouette888]

Have you considered "unfriend" your narcistic mother so she stops her behaviour?

[@LisaKitchen-ml3tf]

Are you ok Dr Ramini??? I was worried about you and your coughing and discomfort. I hope you are ok

[@ChrissyCat87]

Same! 😮

[@daykibaran9668]

Me too

[@brandonhealy7158]

Really worried 😢😢😞

[@rebekahtinker9486]

I was in a shop, and my husband was getting annoyed with me and told me to shut up in heated terms or he would start shouting. A woman heard us and when I was separate from him on a different aisle, she asked me if I was okay and said she also was once married to an a...hole like him. I was mortified, but it was a reality check, too. I am beginning to just accept how he speaks to me. I did end up telling him the later that day what she said when we argued, it just bubbled up inside of me. But I learned like your example it was a mistake. His take home was...how did I reply,? and why would someone think that of him? and finally, I should not have made him angry Grrrr, life in radical acceptance is not easy!

[@Pursuit_Of_A_Homestead]

Ugh..we’re dealing with a narcissistic elderly family member and trying to remain positive and kind through it but sometimes I’m just so drained and overwhelmed trying to keep my head on straight. I know we can’t change it but these videos really help me feel like I’m not insane and gives me something I can relate to and feel seen, I guess, so I don’t go on a mind spiral lol thank you so much for the tips and the acknowledgment !! It helps sooo much 💚

[@amarbyrd2520]

It's absolutely exhausting. I'm the only "child" of an NFather who just died and left a logistic disaster in his wake and an NMother who picked up his worst habits and continues to play the victim and behave like her wants should be prioritized literally before anything else - it's just insane 😢 - solidarity ❤ ❤

[@Pursuit_Of_A_Homestead]

@@amarbyrd2520 oh geez…I’m so sorry 😔 radical acceptance is all we got, right lol sending all the good vibes and solidarity right back your way ❤️

[@km-du2ww]

I hope you feel better soon Dr. Ramani! Thanks for pushing yourself to give us a chance for healing! ❤

[@iNora1989]

in buying the game to support you friend like your videos supported me through my darkest times, thank you doctor ❤

[@xuin_tee7191]

My mom is a Narc, I watchd her take care of my grandma whilst she was on her death bed, like keep up in the night, checking on her, sleeping on hospital floors, and the entire time complaining to me and no one else that she's doing all this coz she's looked at as the broke one in the family, and how she too needed to go to work. This is the same woman who physically and emotionally abused me my whole life.... It's amazing how exhausting their life actually is, the facades and all...

[@MichaelBroder]

I call this phenomenon “being pernicious without being malicious.” I think it’s what kept me in my relationship to my ex-husband for 20 years. He seemed to cause tremendous harm without meaning to cause any harm. What was I supposed to do in the face of that reality?

[@mickeyimmanuel]

Lol I’m exhausted just thinking about this scenario. I’ve definitely been here

[@RandyBrady2024]

I can so relate to this video. I am so happy to be separated from this crap. It took a long time, but, I am successfully separated from the carp.

[@edandmagpayne1630]

Trying to figure her out, I asked what she had ever done wrong in her life. She told me that the only mistake she made in her entire life was taking me back. Well, being a fixer, I took care of that for her. Now she’s perfect again. Now I’m getting smeared.

[@MunkeyKung]

It sucks to get smeared... BUT... It does beat slowly having your soul sucked out of you over time. My ex-narc is also a colleague of mine with a higher standing in the company and having worked there 4 years longer than me, she smears me as well while pretending not to, but I can tell the difference in how people look at me. At first I knew this was gonna happen and I tried to tactically keep myself hoovered so she wouldn't... Truth be told, it's way easier to accept the smearing and be yourself... It's happening anyway, regardless of which volume, so might as well crank it up! It does feel a lot freeer to not care anymore, even if your reputation goes down a bit... Who cares? We're not the narcissists who live or die by social status anyway . Good for you that you fixed her problem! Such a gentleman 😉

[@kalasmith9472]

Similar situation here. My ex-narc of 14 years said I was his trigger. Trigger removed!

[@aynilaa]

The father-daughter situation, that's me. Thank you for bringing up this example, I feel so seen!

[@crishuez]

Scary how accurate this is. I told him today he uses Darvo every time I call him out of bad behavior and typed out the words "witch hunt". He goes on a hunt to find any flaw with my character and uses it to justify his behavior instead of taking any accountability. The only difference with your video and his life is that he has no friends. He has pushed everyone away with this behavior.

[@andreakleinpell4189]

I bought her book & I’ve been reading it religiously. However when I first ordered it on Amazon my husband asked me why I bought the book & if it was about him. At first I lied & said that I bought it because I had concerns about my mom (kind of a lie.) It is about him but I was scared of his possible reaction & obviously I didn’t want to hurt him. I eventually told the truth & he was mad/upset that I didn’t have a conversation with him first before buying the book to address my concerns of him being narcissistic. I told him I’m not one to diagnose anybody & that I bought it more so I can gain wisdom & understanding.

[@kylaren6337]

It’s really startling if you’ve seen it in action. They have every excuse in the book for their behavior. They will justify all of their BS based on the responding actions of others. They’re completely one sided.

[@denisesalles7248]

Sometimes you have to be very specific. However, I have found that when I have been specific, I am told that I am welcome to my feelings/opinion, but it's not what they meant. It can be very tricky.

[@captlanc]

You can't win over their faulty survival mindset. They will do all they can to run away from accountability like their lives depended on it. The best thing is to quit trying. It's just wasting your time and energy. You wouldn't do that with a person committed in a mental facility, so why would you do that with a narcissist? They may look normal, but they are just as delusional in the responsibility-taking aspect. There's no getting through to them. It's just gonna get worse as they age. Almost like dementia.

[@nylsor0906]

Dr Ramani, thank you! There is a narcissist that I know, and I've put distance in the friendship. However, even though I know things won't be better, I still fall into the desire to want the relationship. I'm always quickly reminded with each encounter why the distance or severance is appropriate and necessary, but it doesn't make the desire to have a friendship go away. I liken it to what I imagine addiction to be. I work in the healthcare industry, and a vast majority of the patients I've had, who are addicts say they hate the drug and/or getting high... they just can't stay away. An entanglement (romantic or otherwise) with a narcissist feels much that same way. This video came during a time when "hope" or "fiending" was trying to creep in. In my opinion, your video served as a conduit from God that staying away yields greater peace and happiness. Thank you.

[@8888alouette888]

I find also that I have issues stopping seeing narcissist friends or family members, I always see the sides I like about them first when meeting them. After 15 to 30 minutes though of them talking non-stop and showing no interest in having an actual conversation, then I start remembering why they are a pain to deal with 😂 and I end up bring hurt by a nasty comment..

[@Ryno814]

I definitely been there. Best thing to ask yourself IMO is why do you have the desire for just "a" friendship or a relationship that you know will go nowhere? What exactly about that do you desire? Everyone deserves a "good" friendship or great one. Its like the drugs, youre chasin somethin youre just not going to get out of it. You get the "high" at first but its FALSE. The very one giving you hope is the very one who set it up to use you. They undervalue you so after a little while a simple "thank you" from them makes you feel so good. A true friendship or relationship would make you look back and be like..why did I undervalue myself to the point where I desired or missed that toxic one. Just my opinion

[@WallyMahar]

Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share that game. You’re the best!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I don't think they know. My mother has treated me like a bit part in her play. Parked all the failings she won't acknowledge in herself in me! But she is angry with me for trying to talk to her, for having had a visible reaction (hurt) to her shutting me down and minimising my hurt, invalidating me, smearing me, excluding me..... But she feels like the victim, how *dare* I not reflect back her rosy view of herself. She is in total denial.

[@HappyNarrative]

I love your energy! Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. I loved your book and I tell everyone with eyes and ears about it. It helped me so much.

[@norma9134]

Very true. That was quite the coughing fit dr. R! I hope you're okay ❤

[@youngblood8540]

Dear KARMA, I have a list of narcissists you missed!

[@clogs4956]

You can strike my ex off - karma got him already.

[@mday3821]

My narcissistic mother got hers...but I know a few that Karma can get!

[@daykibaran9668]

Hey 👋🏻

[@munichgirl2514]

I’m still waiting for my mother’s & husband’s karma …. They must get it big time…🤷‍♀️ Someone told me once the worst things they do the worst they get it …

[@AsToldByUfa]

Let me add my exs 😂

[@onpointsporthorses141]

Dr Ramani, THANK YOU for calling them A-Hole and that they perform assholery. As the scapegoat truth teller it is so satisfying to hear this. I know you've gotten flack for that before but those people are wrong. It's so amazing to have someone else who sees it, calls it out, and knows. There's too many flying monkeys in the world. You're my hero.

[@debrarogerssilvey3909]

Get sick or need surgery. If you had any doubts before, you Will not have any doubts after depending on them to be compassionate and love you during a really hard illness. The realization that 106 fever and possible sepsis in my abdomen and I never even made it to the hospital because it was a horrific gaslighting experience. So I told him to leave he came up to help me. I'm so sick and I'm so uncomfortable + it was a terrifying day. The doubts will absolutely go away like the wind. And yes, radical acceptance is mandatory here. Because what you thought was even a friendship as brought to the light when you were in pain or suffering in any way. Good luck my people the only family I have. Thank you for being there!

[@strawberry_lacroix]

The title of this video can also be interpreted as “Toddlers know (but don’t know) when they have done something bad”

[@pwhite5411]

Oh I made that mistake!! My mother was wound up about something banging her fist on the table saying, “ I’d rather die than lie.” I cracked up bc she is a pathological liar. In an attempt to lighten the mood and turn it into a joke I continued to laugh and said, “ oh come on….you lie all the time.” That set forth a scorched earth response from her. Haha. Good thing I had gone no contact for a while and I love my radical acceptance space. I just don’t care. After 60 years of her abuse, the fact that something I said bugs her, is a very small consolation.

[@nick8252]

They dehumanize us all the time, but the moment they are confronted with their lies, they blow up!! Complete cowards!

[@angelikigeorgouli5252]

"A colossal waste of time" - loved it!

[@sunshineandflowers474]

today is my birthday and this is my birthday gift. Thank you Dr. Ramani! I hope you feel better soon with your cough. This video explains how my so-called father, mother, and brother who are all Narcissistic people who have zero empathy towards me. Growing up I was conditioned as a tool who was brought into this world only to support my brother. no one ever listened to what I had to say and they laughed at my authentic self and dreams. Then when I finally found my way through my life without zero help from them, their jealousy and envy was out of hand. It was disgusting. I am living far away from them now and never planning to see them ever. Going away from them only helped me heal. I was getting sick when I was around them. They toxic and dangerous and it's sad that I was born into a family like them.

[@matthewwozniak9138]

🤔Hopefully they find out some day. 😎I know, you know, they know, you know. Instead of getting into an all out drag down fight with a friend, we had a consensus and agreed not to step on each other's boundries. I was under the impression that this cannot be done by watching your videos. I was quite surprised that my old friend took my feelings into consideration. We can agree to disagree and still get along afterwards. Thank you for all your videos, they helped saved a relationship that could have went bad. There is still hope.

[@matthewwozniak9138]

P.S. get well soon.

[@Timetomakethedonuts28]

Wow. This is so depressing. I continue to try to hold some hope but there really isn't any. I can't think of any set of sentences that I could use to try to set some boundaries or not set boundaries. I get direct questions which I will no longer answer, but I can't say that I won't share personal information. I can't say that I will come around once a week to clean or whatever but I won't engage in conversation I haven't come up with any ideas that I can protect myself that won't result in narcissistic rage

[@lareelongtin5129]

I hope you're OK, Dr. Ramani! 🙏🏻💛😊💐 I totally agree with you. They definitely know when they do something bad or hurtful!😖😞

[@sarameiragootblatt1819]

I ove how genuine you are. didn't edit the coughing part. amazing!!!!!

[@jedjohnson9811]

It's kinda like when my ex wife asked me if it was bad to screw someone out of money for a job they did and then still screw them out of money then tried to make every excuse in the world to blame it on the person she screwed

[@cup5627]

They know, and if they have siblings on the same page you can expect them to gang up on you. My moms family had no issues showing their true colors, it trickled right down to my cousins as well. She had her whole family trying to make me apologize for refusing to be abused. They know what they're doing, there's no way they don't. The things she said, the excuses and reasoning she used...it all had to benefit her. She always made sure to look gloomy and heartbroken but as soon as she had me alone it was mentally exhausting. I went NC and had her showing up at my job trying to threaten me back into the leash she held. She could not believe that she wasn't perfect in my eyes, I was the ungrateful, disrespectful daughter. I cut every single one of them out and every single one of them made sure to send out posts calling me crazy and unhinged. My siblings chose silence or triangulation. I chose peace, it has been a healing process. She took her life that same year, I have no regrets. I do wish that I'd have had the courage to go NC sooner. My dad followed her a year later but he was a narc as well. Both are missed by their circuses of course. I can walk away with peace knowing that I was able to tell them both off and that I wasn't their punching bag nor would I have a part in maintaining their perfect public image.

[@mallagecko6093]

Mother ramani, you have saved me again ❤

[@Daily_Bread84]

I have been told the same thing. I point out certain behaviors and he say, "You make me sound like an a-hole" and "You have the wrong picture of me in your head" 😮

[@daniellesomerfield8799]

While my children continue to believe lies said to them, I won't be healed. I have no access to them.

[@stupensardi2783]

Stay strong. I am in the same situation. It's hard because you can't move on. ❣️

[@liba4089]

this its the worst. I am so sorry!

[@debneys7189]

You’re not alone. Be you and as happy within yourself as you can be for living your truths

[@SARAHCHEGE-u9n]

They know but they want to control all their behaviour to the fullest

[@fritz194]

The most dangerous things can happen if they know they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences. They project their way of reaction upon you - and end up in an infinite loop being frightened by themselves. They start a war against you and you dont know why until you find out.

[@BillyJupiter]

Just don't like it when they act like they don't know. But then when they walk off you can see they're smiling without having to see their face(s) Too many think they're anonymous. Which makes it easy to forget them, be it after having processed and double-checked my view, choices, and path forward in the matter. More is the pity. Which sometimes gets confused with forgiveness. Grinds my gears

[@SqueakyPeeps]

You are helping me understand my narc parents and older sibling so much! I am forever grateful for your insight.