What is "cognitive dissonance"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@TaniaMarie424]

7 years ago I went to a psychologist and asked him if I was crazy. My dad is a narcissist and he gaslighted me to the core! My dad went (to appease me) to the psychologist 1 time. And the psychologist said “You’re father has been cruel to you and he’s a very sick, sick man. You have my full permission to walk away & never look back” so off I ran, in the opposite direction and have not seen my dad since. Best decision i have ever made for my mental Health

[@mariasartzis-pellicier1723]

TANIA M--Good for you! Congrats! Stay healthy, stay well, stay gaslighted free, stay narc free, stay happy! ❣️❣️

[@70wolfnipplechips41]

I'm glad you were able to find the strength. I'm 50 and have been the scapegoat my whole life. I am extremely lucky to find love and acceptance in the family I created, but I still feel like the unlovable one. I have made learning to love myself a priority. It's amazing that on one level I see myself as accomplished and worthy while I still feel like a discarded, unlovable orphan. I wish you the best.

[@lisahargreaves3938]

My narc father passed in 2009. He died alone, was found 4 days after. I went to the house that I estranged myself from for years. My fathers spirit was still there. He needed help to move on. I asked for help of friends ,we moved him on.💗🧚‍♀️

[@70wolfnipplechips41]

@@lisahargreaves3938 Thank you. After my dad passed last fall after trying to reconnect after estrangement 3 different times, unsuccessfully, I suddenly started remembering good memories of him. It sure is a relief to be able to remember him fondly, I still remember the other stuff, but I hadn't remembered any of the good stuff until now. That sounds terrible. Sorry. It really is a positive.

[@riabronte3599]

@@70wolfnipplechips41 please remember you are lovable. I'm so glad you're making that the priority ❤️

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

Anger doesn’t have to show up as rage. Cold anger, silent treatment, put-downs disguised as “jokes” are variations of rage which are just as destructive.

[@rogersnofsky2765]

Thanks, Catherine, I never realized that put downs disguised as jokes is another form of rage. Well said. Answered many questions.

[@hydebrown1805]

Worse in public used to shame ... Sarcastic complements seeking approval of strangers to minimize the spirit.

[@windchimeisland]

Catherine Gold oh, my land, the jokes. It’s fun at first but it turns murderous on a dime.

[@cheatednomore6430]

Catherine Gold Yes they are types of rage! Also, the covert narcs often use these tactics on people they are targeting. They use justifiable deniability when someone tries to call them out on it too. "No, I really was just joking. She/He just takes things too seriously."

[@meredithe1361]

Catherine Gold my ex husband, when he was just my boyfriend, came over to hang out with me before we were living together and he just sat on the couch, affectless and cold and silent and stony faced and I hovered around him, emotionally panicked, trying to figure out what I had done wrong. I left his abusive ass and yes I can’t believe I thought I deserved that.

[@deeptifeb15]

Ma'am I found you a few weeks ago. I just want to tell you that you are such a blessing to the world!!! There is something unexplainable about you. As if your soul guides you to speak what you speak. Every word spoken by you is like a pearl. It feels as though your eyes, your voice, your facial expressions, your demeanour are all deep rooted in your soul. Your spontaneity & fluidity mixed with your serenity & sincerity combined with your profoundness & intensity, is nothing less than magical. You exude compassion, intelligence, wisdom, feminine energy, gravity, maturity and childlike innocence. YOU ARE AN OLD SOUL!!! STAY BLESSED!!!

[@Himynameiscamila]

You took the words out of my mouth. A brilliant, wise woman with such a way with words. A light on earth.

[@betalabetala4101]

Wow, that was so perfectly aloquently described, I can sign every word, she is excetional !

[@nadiag4599]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾@Deepti

[@AlI-zk6em]

I totally relate to this. It's so pleasant to watch an authentic person speak when the whole orchestra of gestures mimics intonation is in harmony producing the beautiful words of wisdom and care

[@Gloroxsocks]

TRUTH

[@louise-yo7kz]

I love that you emphasize how the narcissist doesn't change. You WILL never be enough. I know that!!

[@argileaustralia3854]

This is correct. They go 'underground' - they masquerade - they hide their true natures and motives - they are dangerous to the person who is their target and then NEVER CHANGE!

[@eoinodunlaing4391]

Let's get off this meme which seems to permeate these boards-I'd refer you to Dr. Todd Grande's educated view that while it is difficult-it is possible with therapy for a NPD-er to transform-Sam Vaknin also a confessed Malignant Narcissist also on here.

[@littleiodine9480]

I'm so glad you brought up never being enough. For so many decades I kept thinking that if I did this enough if I did that enough if I was good enough. :-) I've always been good enough come to find out. I cannot turn a chipmunk into a brick of gold. I cannot make all the flowers get themselves to a church dance or go to the bar and tell jokes. But I have always always been plenty good enough to enjoy the parts of life that are truly enjoyable and do and B what makes me happy. In the process, it makes a lot of others happy as well. It took a lot of years and a lot of pain and working through massive amounts of confusion because of the way I was programmed from the time I was born. But I am damn sure learning and it feels real good to get on the other side of that pain and to quit trying to be something for someone else because I wanted them to be different then they are. Blessings to you. :-)

[@tammyschenck515]

@@littleiodine9480 May I just say I appreciate this comment so much. You helped me fully understand what supply is and I didn't even know that was what I was being to him. He wanted to make me feel like I was going crazy but HE was doing several crazy things. Exploitation, manipulation, he said he was joking, he said he wanted an extramarital love, and that did a number on my mind too because the next thing he said was you're a good person with a great heart. Why not leave a good person alone? Ohh. That's right. It's the narcissism. He shouldn't have attempted to play these mind games. I'm super happy to know the confusion is at it's end! There's no excuse for mentally harming others. None! Happy Healing to you. ♥️

[@PeppermintPatties]

Yes! Nothing is ever enough. The goalposts always change. There are always conditions to meet, which you fail to meet in some way. You're always in a job interview where you never know if you've gotten the job. They always leave you guessing. They're totally unpredictable, but they reserve the right to change their minds at any moment. The list.goes.on.for.everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ❤️

[@emarie7591]

15:15 - DONT FALL FOR THE BACKSTORY -wow I have heard this before - A good friend, and counselor - who has been walking with me through my healing, continues to tell me that someone’s jacked up childhood is no excuse for them to mistreat anyone... that depression is not an excuse to be disrespectful or abusive ...

[@bitchenboutique6953]

Eva Marie I feel like I’ve known it ever since I walked away from my narc but it REALLY hit me today! The sad backstory started being revealed to me at a very specific time, just when I was vulnerable and ready to just take it all in.... and it couldn’t have been an accident!!

[@joseenoel8093]

Agreed!

[@sylettemonroe8878]

They choose to abuse.

[@somethingmagnificent9529]

@@scinformation7229 that's definitely insanity. I hate how there are women who think provoking a man to get angry is sexy. When he end up hurting her, they run and act like a victim. Like no... This young woman I know came out hitting this young man she was having relations with and he told her to stop hitting him , she wouldn't. When he tried walking away she still hitting him so when he snapped and hit her she started crying and calling him deragatory names in front of a crowd. Everybody didn't see what led up to him snapping and just hit her one good time, she stopped and cried and cried and the man was punished and the woman wasn't. I saw the entire thing and was trying to tell everybody but they all was like you don't hit females. I'm like you don't beat on no man and think he won't hit you back one time that may hurt, especially when he was practically begging her to stop. How you think the man feel? I really hate domestic violence in any form it occurs. Managing anger is a skill that should be taught early. So there's no such thing as domestic violence. It's not just a man thing, women are culprits too.

[@somethingmagnificent9529]

You and your friend should make friends with a neurologist. Brain scans of a depressed individual are not the same as someone who doesn't have depression. They can explain that better than I can. That suggests, that people who suffer from depression is suffering from a brain malfunction. Our bodies have many different organs, each has its own purpose. When the brain malfunctions, so does your behavior, your mood, even your blood pressure and heart rate can be affected just from a brain abnormality. It's a reason, and it's one of those things that medical professionals don't have a definitive cure for. Everybody who have depression and may be seemingly disrespectful might just have a brain abnormality, and aren't spitefully doing it as a person who is narc would be. Narcissistic people are calculated people who are very good at planning and doing things. They dont usually suffer from depression. Depression is when your body so sore, it take a lot of energy just to do basic things.

[@brandnewty]

Its easier to fool people than convince them they've been fooled.

[@zhenya9302]

Another one with the canned “wisdom”. 🙄

[@tanyawashington6338]

Because they fell for the fooling and it will make them look foolish for going along with it. They'd rather "save face" and pretend they don't know any better "cognitive dissonance".

[@andreaflaviawilliam]

Self validation is ultimately the most powerful form of validation

[@jerisammons2002]

Amen to that!!❤

[@tanyahuntley9366]

ABSOFRIGGENLUTLY and Amen to that , I'm sooo over all the BULSH !! ✌

[@tanyahuntley9366]

And self- validation , works best for me also , a Big Must in my world . Love the content , I take notes too . ✌🐝 to All

[@gregoryjgarcia3862]

Exactly!

[@dj.deb.usa007justiceangels6]

SELF LOVE 😍🥰😍🎶❤️❤️❤️💋💕😍 MUST COME FIRST.... NARCISSIST NARCISSISTIC ABUSER 💩🌚💩🌚💩☠️🤡 😭🤡😠😈😈🤬😡 ARE PREDATORS ONLINE AND IN PERSON... RUN AWAY FROM THE PREDATORS ONLINE AND IN PERSON NOW 😘🏳️‍🌈🎆❄️🌪️🌻🎄🕯️🔥⛄🎼☃️🌹🎶🌹☃️😇⛄🔥🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🔥🕯️🔥😇🎼☃️🎧🎶🎶NO THE GASLIGHTING,(**LIARS***) ARE NOT GONNA EVER CHANGE

[@daryas14]

HOW can Dr. Ramani talk in a monologue for half an hour without a single mistake, providing us with gold by her every phrase?! I admire you, doctor, thank you so much, I've saved my life. God bless you

[@ErikisOfficial]

N O C O N T A C T ! Dont ever reach out to them...........EVER!

[@andrewg2618]

Unfortunately I work with a narcissistic woman who discarded me. She blocked me etc. So, I totally ignore her at work. One day she just couldn't handle it anymore so she cornered me and asked "why are you ignoring me?" What a pathetic person.

[@ericking4072]

RIGHT?I LOVED HER SOOOO MUCH.FOR 15 YEARS SHE ABUSED THE LIFE OUT OF ME.I STILL MISS HER&SOMETIMES A CD(COG.DISS)VOICE TELLS ME TO SEEK HER OUT.THEN I REMEMBER THE LIES,CHEATING,USING ME,&ON&ON&ON.I BLAMED IT ALL ON HER HORRIBLE CHILDHOOD.MINE WAS EDUCATIONAL,ENCOURAGING&MOSTLY POSITIVE(A SORT OF SURVIVOR'S GUILT)IM 3&A HALF MONTHS N/C.....GETTING STRONGER DAILY.

[@andrewg2618]

@@ericking4072 Good on you. NC is the only way.

[@cnote49]

Andrew G what if a grandchild is in this mess how will that effect her

[@andrewg2618]

@@cnote49 Please elaborate. I don't know what you mean exactly.

[@canadianbacon9396]

The reason they won't change is that they don't want happiness. Their goal is psychological control, not happiness. That's why they move the goal posts around.

[@borealiswan2363]

Psych control IS their happiness, I think

[@BBB-rd2qi]

Well said!!

[@stephaniebonner8889]

Well said

[@littleiodine9480]

I wonder if control is the only way they feel safe in this world. The scapegoat and empath such as I, came from the exact same place and uterus as the abusive narc brother. I'm still confused. If somebody knew they truly had a choice would they choose deep down unhappiness? I'm just now waking up to what was done to me and working hard to undo it. Did they just choose another way to survive the way of life and parents, that we got? I'd love to hear some kind of feedback on this. Thank you

[@DesertlizzyThe]

Good thought!

[@angelacapranica7701]

I wish I knew this my whole life!!! Now I am 55 and trying to “fix” my life.

[@iamhassan3540]

You will

[@jeninfo2783]

Don't worry about "fixing" anything because there is no time machine BUT you can learn, grow and hopefully realize that you, and you alone are ENOUGH! And you are worthy of love, to the love you learn to have for yourself. And maybe one day, ask for forgiveness for anything done while under the command of a Narcissist and then forgive anyone who was manipulating you, due to your "unknowable truth of the BEAST that is 'The Narcissist '" and then you'll feel "fixed". This is my personal opinion and has been my experience. P.s. Roy Masters also played a HUGE PART in getting me to this state of life that I'm now living instead of just waiting for death, I'm actually LIVING!

[@dalascoronas]

Me too

[@animallover2070]

Totally get it but instead of seeing it that way, look at it like"At least Im not 67, 77, 87 or never figured it out!" Kudos for doing the work, were all on this journey & its often a life long process. Good luck.

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Me too I’m 57

[@annepentola1577]

I finally found a therapist who recognized this pattern me. I spun story after story, making each a funny recollection of the horrid interactions of my narcissistic family. When, after a year in therapy, I was able to see and own the dissonance and actual cruelty that went on growing up, I no longer was suicidal.

[@plantingivy]

I’ve blamed myself for far too long for others cognitive dissonance.Time to take care of the most important person and that’s yourself. Stay strong everyone

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Back at ya planting ivy! Have a peaceful week

[@JC-bu6vl]

"My mother is my best friend", I remember that one. Oh boy was I misinformed. She was more like my worst enemy.

[@plantingivy]

J C my grandmother begged me to make my mother my best friend. I just find that so weird And something I don’t want for myself

[@SallyJoeTimestamps]

for real

[@NS-uq9st]

Mine too

[@joseenoel8093]

Yup, easier when they're old though, by then, you're due for flat out guilt free rejection.

[@nicoler3219]

Oh my gosh , i loved my f..... mother so much but noooo she absolutely used me for everything and for the last 32 years my husband has done that , it is like i am magnet for narcissist people 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

Never, make your family, friends, or loved ones happy at your expense.

[@yoshisarethebomb]

I love your profile picture :-)

[@aarone1777]

I sacrifice to my friends and family because it makes them happy. Which in turn makes me happy knowing I made them feel better. Your comment is very selfish, cold and reminds me of the lousy friends I had then dumped! Good luck with that living for yourself 💩

[@zaida20902]

See when my mother first met my ex I never will forget her saying after he left my home "I don't know why but there something about him I just don't care for." I remember those words, and I thought "but mom he sweet, successful, well mannered, what's wrong with him?" Until I allowed him to stay in my life for six years and I wish I had listen to the words of my mother. Fun fact: my best friend said the same thing even BEFORE he met my mom and she never told my mom that I was seeing this guy... interesting how the people around you can see there something wrong but you can't because you have love eyes on.

[@healingonesmindset]

I'm living through this now...married and children 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@mariasartzis-pellicier1723]

ZAIDA H---My adult daughter said the SAME thing about my husband (BEFORE we got married) I wish I had listened.

[@dominican2424]

Mom knows best

[@frederickhoward5598]

Because it's not their experience and life lessons, it yours.

[@chioj36]

I literally said this to a friend. I tend to fall for the love bombing and intellectual nature of these types...but other people see right through it and want to run.

[@pavanatanaya]

Gas lighting and cognitive dissonance are hand in glove

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

You’re still responsible for your own actions. Your backstory is not my responsibility to fix. I empathize; however, don’t use it as a catch-all excuse to abuse me.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Catherine, great points! Is Bob Smith your ex? 😂

[@joeschmoe7510]

is he an ex con?

[@notthatvashti8127]

I totally agree! That's why I never use the phrase " hurt people, hurt people." I feel like it's giving someone carte blanche to treat others badly based solely on the fact that they experienced bad treatment. I have empathy for them, but no free reign to hurt me or others!!

[@FrancesShear]

How much are young people around all of the false already high status enough 'responsibility' givers supposed to take Catherine? Wake up! Our young people are more at risk than they have ever been before. Actions like young women in some dorms having a dream and then waking up to realize it is not a dream before taking responsibility by having to hang a pot on the door handle of the door to their dorm suite before going to bed so they wake up before having a 'dream' like that again? Don't be fooled if your own child comes to you with the facts about the situation they are in with so many cover ups and backpeddling officials who love to see young people fall around.

[@joeschmoe7510]

@@FrancesShear WTF?

[@Slivings911]

It’s true that “the truth will set you free” but it’s also true that “the truth hurts”. But it doesn’t hurt worse than living in cognitive dissonance, living a lie, being less than yourself. You owe it to yourself - and to others - to be free, to be loved as a free person, and to freely love (rather than merely being a player in someone else’s script). Be well, everybody! Thank you, Dr. Ramani. 💖

[@mitxeran]

well said!

[@user-gj2wh6tl2q]

The abuse doesn’t happen right away. It is a slow burn that becomes a fast boil. And then you’re in it. Justifying, rationalizing, denying, storytelling. And these are the patterns that pop up for me even out of the relationship. The “ick” list is a great tool to stay in reality.

[@NS-uq9st]

I just needed to hear this as 10 minutes ago I was making excuses for someone's bad behavior at work. You saved me Dr. Ramani 😇

[@janicescott7338]

There has been at least one everywhere I ever worked and unfortunately they were in supervisory positions. Honestly two of them were maniacs and that was a long time ago.😬

[@dannym6552]

I had a manager trying to play with my mind

[@hydebrown1805]

Ok... lol 20 years ago my sister said . " you can't seek approval from a sack of lard!" Still true

[@misguidedpearls7456]

I like ur sis

[@hydebrown1805]

@@misguidedpearls7456 me too!! She is definitely a warrior princess!!

[@flamingsword777]

@@hydebrown1805 just call her Xena...😂

[@celeste_2083]

Seeking approval adoration is wrong

[@hydebrown1805]

@@celeste_2083 how about validation of existence? Ask Yeshua.

[@arlenegonzalez8098]

My ex narc always talked about how amazing his family is. Oh man oh man, when their mask fell off WOAH they turned out to be the most toxic, demonic, manipulative family I’ve ever met in my entire life!! They ALL played me so dirty, I wouldn’t be able to see them again or I’d puke 🤮

[@pinksalt1057]

What you said is so real and true down to the puke, you made me smile

[@santoparfano1910]

Yes and the pit of your stomach sinking when thinking of being near any of them is probably palpable...

[@joylove7294]

I understand this. My husband's family was the "best" family ever, until they weren't. I have no idea how he could have ever thought they were healthy. Yes I am still married to my narcissistic husband. It has taken me 29 years and I am just now becoming aware of what has been done to me. What I have allowed to be done to me makes me ashamed of myself. I am currently trying to leave. Thank you for all this information Dr. Ramani.

[@pinksalt1057]

@@joylove7294 best of luck my friend, have safe supports and plans as they get out of control when they feel exposed and disposed of.

[@joylove7294]

@@pinksalt1057 thank you.

[@robertgates2769]

I found myself justifying so much of what she was doing I lost track of reality. Makes sense now.

[@DarlingEbony]

It's hard when you grew up with a narcissist as a parent and cognitive dissonance was the only way you could keep yourself safe. Then when you get older you did it with everybody. You don't trust your own reality. And that is made worse when other people say how great a person is. If you don't see that person as great, you second guess your instincts because of what other people told you. Growing up everyone around me, extended family included, never acknowledged my father's insanity so I thought I was the one insane.

[@SonyaKhanOfficial]

Darling Ebony I felt this in my heart. I hate it so fucking much! It feels like my soul is splitting apart.

[@genevalawrence801]

Darling Ebony, you've mailed down an important truth here. I understand this from personal experience as well. The lesson I absorbed from my childhood was that my mother had the right to mistreat me if I wasn't perfect. My mother had communal narcissist tendencies, and was respected in our community. So if everyone else admired this person who treated me so badly, I must be the problem. I was the classic overachiever as a child, and a lot of that was actually me trying to be good enough for my mother. It took me until well into adulthood to figure out that nothing I did was ever going to be enough for her, and that maybe the problem wasn't me.

[@DarlingEbony]

@@genevalawrence801 Exactly! I have two masters and a doctorate and my father STILL found fault with me. And the tantrums. I could be upstairs in my room and I still knew what mood he was in by the sound of his footsteps when he came into the house.

[@DarlingEbony]

@@SonyaKhanOfficial Hang in there. Just realize this will be life time work because it is too ingrained. We literally came into this world with this foolishness.

[@cindyc]

What is truly so sad is that being raised by a narc, we become so self critical, but then we also learn to accept unacceptable behavior from others in our life. We take on the shame, guilt, and responsibility for things that could never possibly be our fault. Also, it makes us desire to always try to fix everything around us. When a relationship is going bad, we don't get out. We think it is our fault, and we continue allowing the other person to mistreat and abuse us. It is such a difficult thing to recognize that a person is not the idealized love bomber, but the ravening wolf in sheep's clothing.

[@lh6800]

I'm embarrassed; this is what I've done my entire life.

[@AshlyRa]

Samee

[@johnrichardson4710]

I have as well

[@laevan2053]

No need to feel embarrassed. Be glad and grateful that you are now better informed and beginning to see things more clearly. Just by admitting that this is how you've been surviving, you show a lot of strength, IMHO. TC

[@brandnewty]

And now you know the truth. Keep moving forward.

[@stephanieporter6836]

Me too

[@camilleharris3457]

Growing up with a covert narc mother, it took 38 years of my life to realize that she actually did not love me. A child can not wrap their mind around the fact that their sole provider and source of love is setting them up for failure. I agree that you get better at justifying almost everything if it eases that tension in your brain, especially if you have several sources of it at once it's almost to much to bear. I wonder if that is where disassociation comes into play? That was the point i got into therapy when i could not remember driving to work or hours of my day or being out of body. The brain has to shut you off from your reality. Great video, this is a difficult topic to explain.

[@Chahlie]

I never ever thought about if they loved me, I already knew they didn't even like me, but it was just the way it was. I never had a hug until I had my first boyfriend- except when dad tried to grope me. Man, what excuse is there for such screwed up families? I remember being mesmerized seeing my mom's dad with his wife (not her mom) and the wife would touch him on the shoulder as she walked past, she always spoke softly, asked you questions- it was so foreign, but I thought THEY were different.

[@jerisammons2002]

We must be long lost sisters....I'm just a bit older. Exact same words have come out of my mouth. I saw the light at 51. It nearly killed my soul. But thank heavens there's a way through. For me it was to end all communication and contact with all family except for one sister who "gets it".... talking with an excellent therapist (ongoing) and an understanding psychiatrist....and endless feeling all those fucking feelings; crying, talking, writing it out, and crying some more. A year and a half later, my whole self doesn't feel as if I've been completely broken open and bleeding out. Everything is still terribly tender, but not as raw.

[@Sarablueunicorn]

@@Chahlie The sisterhood. It was hard for me to accept physical touch from others, especially hugs, and i would feel terribly awkward if they hugged me for some reason. My mother only "hugged" me once, more like after a week (i actually don't know how many days) during a summer break, she didn't allow me to go out and would beat me everyday. She would beat me and verbally abuse me until got tired, then she would beat me again and still give me food. I don't have many memories, i think my brain "erased" that and her going on her knees (so i was still small) to be about my height and put her arms around me while crying and saying "forgive mother, mother is going through a rough time, mother is suffering". And i remember her hands on me felt like they were burning my skin and i said "it's ok. Go back to bed and rest". I just didn't want her to touch me. I believe i craved physical affection my entire life so when i first got it from a bf, i didn't know how good a hug could feel.

[@rahrahrobbbieee]

You are not alone. I have struggled for decades.

[@divineliyah5037]

I’m 16 and I’m learning so much. Thank you🙏🏾❤️

[@getoncourse4621]

That’s very fortunate for you!

[@dawncannady]

Baby girl u listen and believe this like u believe in ur higher power boo I’m 43 and I wish I was told this at 16

[@jessicaabbott10]

I’m happy for you that this information is available to you at 16. 🙏🏻

[@PeppermintPatties]

I'm so glad you're learning this at such a young age. Be aware. Look after yourself. Be happy in life. You deserve it. Big love. ❤️

[@AlexFurlong]

As a child growing up in a narcissistic family, I wasn't blessed with the ability to reduce my cognitive dissonance. I was hypersensitive and acutely aware of the injustices that were constantly going on around me. At least I was aware of the truth, but it was a very difficult life.

[@SDubThe-illis]

I teetered between this and the "forced" cognitive dissonance.

[@katjabischur9292]

My situation was exactly the same. Thank you for finding these words as I was not able to do so...😢

[@DivineDissident]

When a narc treats you more like an enemy than a friend, youve got to come to terms with the fact that they are not your friend. No point rationalizing it, eventually you’ll have to deal with it and the sooner the better.

[@confusedwhynot]

My husband is a narcissist and he came from a narcissistic family. I think I used this for a long time and I'm tired of suffering. Time for me and our children to move on. Thankfully I have a lot of good people in my corner.

[@julia9557]

When you said if you try to leave them they will “sour grapes” you I immediately thought of Tom from 90 Day Fiancé! When he told Darcy found a new woman, expecting her to beg for him back, but instead she got up to leave and said she didn’t want to be friends, out of nowhere he said “Did you gain weight?” just to try belittle her & act as if he didn’t actually want to be friends/want her either. He is a classic narcissist.

[@majakolonja4266]

He is a POS

[@Michelema2]

Yes! Actually first person I thought of! 90 day train wreck is the only thing that makes me forget my narcissistic train wreck! Just found out my spouse of nearly 30 years has been badmouthing and gaslighting me fir the whole time and just now my kids started admitting it when he was able to get himself out of trouble by lying and saying I was starving our mentally ill adopted 19 year old who needs line of supervision. My 18 year old autistic Daughter, my 14 year old ODD Daughter, 13 year old and 12 year old bio Son’s admitted that he’s always brainwashed them and they never told me because I wasn’t getting in any trouble but the last two years I’m getting in trouble over false allegations from him and 19 year old. They started telling me he was back to telling them that I’m “back on drugs” that he knew was my celexa showing up as meth. He knew if he told my family and support that he didn’t threaten them, I had a mental break because of suspected drug use! I left with 4 kids when he refused to get help and threshed them but he talked even my brothers and best friend put me in psych for suspected drugs and then sent my kids home with the man that threatened them! I had amazing parents but they died before I could have kids. We had to keep the kids away from his family. Now they are taking him and her back but they dumped my other 4 kids and I for trying to get help with them both. I like myself now! I pray he will stay out of the home even after the 19 year old goes to eating disorder lockdown facility she should have been in since 2 1/2. We were told she can’t safely stay in a family but I really tried. She has RAD that turns into things like NPD at 18. So basically the narcissistic leading the narcissistic! He’s good when his bipolar narcissistic personality disorder is bad or he’s on a psych med that actually makes him a narc. He can be the best, most loving Father if we are seeing same psych but the minute we stopped he’s back to saying his meds working great!

[@andreamagyar7776]

It takes extraordinary strength, courage and clarity to develope our own mind and live life free of it. To see reality and belive it too and still be happy in this world. .

[@ramblingruthie7602]

Yes!

[@agnesstrzykowska4300]

Andrea Magyar: the trick is that they suck all the courage, clarity of mind, sound reasoning even to the extent of not knowing who you are and what you want. It's difficult to get away if you don't know what you know...

[@tammyhabiger3281]

I had a counselor say to me once, I just don't understand why you stayed so long? It made me feel foolish and embarrassed, it made me blame myself even more when she made the statement. After understanding trauma bonding, gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, narcissistic abuse, childhood experiences, etc. I get why I stayed and it still floors me the counselor would not understand why someone stays so long in an abusive relationship. I am grateful for these videos and I know they help survivors like me, but I hope practitioners use it as a tool to help survivors as well. It is horrible how the narcissist gets away with such bad behaviors and abuse and we all make excuses for them and often blame ourselves. It sucks they never have to be accountable. I'm okay to sweep up my mess so I can have a better life, but I sure had to do a lot of sorting between his mess, my mess and the truth...

[@jenniferditty2904]

she was a bad therapist for you to say that. So many if them do not really understand this type of abuse and can actually do more harm because of this. You are healing to notice she was not equipped to help you.

[@ayliea3974]

My therapist often asks me why I stay. I take it that she is trying to encourage me to leave ASAP. I'm not offended but it is a pressure I feel nearly constantly from myself too. The reason I'm still here is financial. Decades ago I surrendered my career to raise our children. At the time I asked my husband, Are you sure we want to do this? What if the day comes when we want another income and my field won't take me back because it's been too long? He said, never mind. We'll cross that bridge when or if we get to it. Sure enough, twelve years, three children and a half a dozen affairs later we're both wishing I had a career. Then I got sick and found it even harder to get my career going. And I needed good health care. I wish it had been a rough patch we could have overcome but that's a lie I've been telling myself all along. Ten more years passed. I'm a post baccalaureate student nearly finished with my program. During our time of collective isolation I have come to realize even more clearly that I've got to get out. So I'm still pressed hard with the question, why are you still here? Because I still haven't found a way out that I'm willing to take. Not yet. I think that the next couple of years will change that. I know now how to avoid the hooks, the lures, the paper tiger fears that kept me locked in psychologically. The challenge at hand is how to not become depressed and keep making my way out.

[@christlray]

It sounds like the therapist “victim-shamed” you. That’s not okay. But good for you to be on your healing journey and recognize it and to be doing the hard work to heal.

[@marionlynch49]

That was terrible that your therapist said that. No one blames themselves more then the victims of Narcs for staying so long. We put such blame and shame on ourselves that we don’t need more from someone we are paying to help us heal. You did what you had to do to survive that’s all I don’t know if my Angelou were Oprah said this but it’s true “when you know better you do better”.

[@lillydragon2525]

Oh I have had that to. Bad therapists are more common then good ones.

[@Dan4eto90]

What's ironic is that I worked in a psychiatric hospital for 3 years, I got to work with patients experiencing co-dependency, addictions, personality disorders, narcissism, I knew what cognitive dissonance was, and even with all that under my belt, I still ignored the red flags my beloved narcissist was tossing at me from the beginning. I was aware of how things were off, and still kept on pouring love and devotion into that black hole of a relationship, questioning my own sanity for months, getring physically sick and socially isolated, that's how addictive these situations are! It took all I had to leave and it's true that the truth will set you free. Even as he continues to try to suck me back in, all his love bombing is futile, as I hold on to the truth of how toxic the relationship was. Thank you for all of the support and education provided in these videos, no one is immune to such relationships and enlightenment is the key to survival.

[@Mariegold1998]

Thank you for putting into words like this, I can explain it further what it actually feels like.

[@violavillwock2118]

Thank you for explaning that.. I thought I was dumb, going crazy or had some self-destructive behavior in me that I kind of saw all the things going wrong, the red flags etc. and STILL pouring my all into something I consciously knew would never become the thing I desired and deserved.. thanks for making me feel less alone ❤️I wish you all the very best and lots of real honest and healthy love..😘😊

[@PeppermintPatties]

My experience, too, pouring love and devotion into a black hole. Well done! Bless you. Be well. Big love. ❤️

[@craig3714]

Going through silent treatment & cognitive dissonance right now Dr.Ramani and can you also make a video on the female covert narcissist who always instigates fights then play victim after?

[@farmerbrown9498]

I could use that video!

[@wk1810]

Yes! That would be sooo helpful!!

[@misguidedpearls7456]

I am queen of excusing people's behavior based on their past This is hard to reverse I really am not use to thinking on my feelings and values only Bc I'm so quick to forgive or look for reasoning for my mind to settle on people

[@mmanda515]

@Penelope Lambson below, said something SO accurate: "... They abuse our trust in them, & then rob us of trust in ourselves!" Spot.. on!

[@ThePsycologyChannel]

It's amazing how narcissism looks like real love sometimes!

[@Alice-sw9hf]

Does it though?

[@pavla2055]

My father and MIL - both grandiose narcs - loved to insult people right to their face while laughing like they were telling a joke . If the person didn't laugh along well they 'just don't have a sense of humour' or 'just can't take a joke' etc . Truly lovely people both of them .

[@SophieBird07]

Yes! All too familiar. My response has been, “yeah, we’ll I raised my kids to know that if you are not both laughing it isn’t a funny joke”.

[@sparkygump]

Our whole political system is based on cognitive dissonance.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Absolutely with Agent Orange top malignant narcissist gaslighting the whole lot of us

[@taliapopz9649]

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 it's the exact opposite LOL

[@sparkygump]

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 both parties are corrupt and serve the rich & their corporations. Trump's first reaction to covid-19 was to try to buy a German testing company while Pelosi's first reaction was tax cuts for the rich. It's disgusting. I lost my life savings to medical bills in the supposedly "greatest country ever".

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Sparky, totally agree on both parties being corrupt. It’s why we need a new paradigm. Pelosi did not cut taxes for the rich. She is trying to do the best she can with that idiot at the helm. She is from my city and I’ve watched her for a long time. I wish her strength and us as well. Astrologically we are in a new realm. Make the most of it. Here. Now.

[@sparkygump]

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Pelosi is just as corrupt as Trump. Ask yourself why she didn't impeach Bush. It wasn't for unity, it was because she signed off on the torture. She's taken millions from the insurance industry. She will never pass M4A. The only thing she cares about is power.

[@kristenlane9359]

I had NO IDEA how complex this term is. Another video from Doctor Ramani, and another personal moment of OMG... Thank you so much for this one. :)

[@arlizan430]

My mom made me the scapegoat and then I’ve had a few narcissistic partners which have left me feeling like I’m the problem. These videos are therapy for me. I’ve always know something was wrong. Maybe I’m weak. I’ve done my best to be stronger but it’s so relieving to know it’s not me. I’ve been reacting like an abused child in all my relationships. I’m finally able to see.

[@AlastairjCarruthers]

I have an "ick list"! It's ridiculously long, and I'm STILL thinking of new items to add to it every couple of days, six months after I walked away from the narcissist. It's really, really helped me.

[@rachaelflores6491]

This is very interesting. I’ve been in this type of relationship for years now and am completely drained at this point

[@LisaLee123]

I decided to break off this relationship end of March and I started realizing things. Cross referencing everything to make sense of what was going on. I’m disappointed that it took me 3 years long (and had a child by him) to realize because I kept ignoring the reality and I kept going back to when we first met and how perfect that was. I was so blinded. He cheated, lied, smear campaigns on social media, gaslighting (which I can pick up easily now that I’m on the other side), MAJOR projections, always made me feel like his enemy and I never understood why. Made rude comments about my family and I and said he was just joking.... and I kept taking him back because he came crying about his childhood and bringing flowers. His mom was warning me but I did not listen to anyone. Until the Holy Spirit unveiled my eyes. I can now see how destructive things would have gotten. He’s good at fooling people around him though. His friends message me about how much he loves me and that I don’t give him enough credit for that. It was very upsetting because they don’t know anything about my side.

[@prettybrown8886]

DaughterOfGod wow sounds similar to my situation. It took me 4.5 yrs to get out of this mess. We will be getting a divorce soon.

[@PrincessDani9320]

Wow. This is my story. 3 years & I’m pregnant now & im just now walking away & then got the nerve to be missing him & going through it. Wondering if he misses me & our family. I’m happy he can’t torment me then bandaid it with love just to torment me again but yet I keep thinking about the fact that I love him & we’ve built a family & he was good to me sometimes he wasn’t mean all the time. 😔😔😔 it’s uncomfortable but I’m gonna get through this

[@beaglerescue5281]

@@PrincessDani9320Don’t let your child grow up with that insanity.

[@nataschablote2562]

I’m 20, just moved out of a household run by my narcissistic dad. Finally starting to acknowledge reality for what it is and getting gaslit all the way

[@Christina-uy8mn]

I remember four years into and in and out of a relationship with my recent ex, I found out she had a house but not through her. I got a call from an AC company, they needed to talk to her about the unit so I told them I'd be right over because she was at work but when I got to her house, no AC company was there. I called them back and asked where they were and they gave me the address to which I showed up at. I text her and said "I'm with the AC guys at your house, they've been trying to call you. Maybe you should be the one to come talk to them." She called me back right away and said "so you know about my other house." I was so mad but instead of confronting her I justified it. I told myself well, she's a private person, there's probably really good reasons she didn't tell me about this house. Perhaps it's because of something I did in the past. Maybe she just needs more time to trust me. I'll respect that. I responded to her by saying "I don't feel comfortable going into this house so you should call them to fix the AC issue." She never apologized, she just said "I didn't tell you about it because my dad taught me not to share all my assets with women." Funny thing is every fling she's had knew about all her houses. I completely justified her lies to make things work for us.

[@roadhousepress]

Dr Ramani you are always talking about parents being narcissistic but there are also adult children who do all of the above to their elderly parent who can’t just step away and are at their mercy. Elder emotional/spiritual abuse is not visible to the outer world. It is as life stripping as young children who have no escape from abusers. I think Narcissism should be in the category of “Spiritual, Emotional, and often physical” mayhem. I think the awareness of how powerful and eroding narcissism is has grown exponentially in USA society of late but denial is a mighty sword.

[@jenniferditty2904]

narc's dream...looks like a good son/daughter to everyone outside the dynamic while the parent usually cannot speak out or defend themselves...and don't want to speak badly about their child.

[@grievingmom]

I lost a son so having another adult son a narc son is devastating to me...right now he's gone no contact with me and I tried mailing gifts for his birthday. I hate when we are together due to all the name calling and vicious behaviours, but he is my son and I hate this. My dad is a narc diagnosed in the late 70s (he stole his medical records and had them copied and read them too us every time we visited and he would say, look, that psychiatrist they made me see said I was a narcissist...can you believe that? uh, yeah dad I actually can) and i went no contact after my son died because he was making it all about him and I couldn't accept that. I agree with Dr. Ramani though, I blame myself...if i was a better mother and wasn't so screwed up, he wouldn't be like this :(

[@alpana1950]

@@grievingmom Your life is really very pathetic,no word to console. Please take care of yourself, take community service if you become sick. Actually, mothers think of their intense love and care(I am strictly eliminating those namesake mothers who evade their duties or get it done by others,and appear to be the recipient of all sorts of care in their old age from the child they virtually did nothing except bringing in this world) they poured into their kid; but when in old age,they see their kids do all sorts of sarcasm or degrade all the way possible,it BREAKS heart. It is two-sided pain. One - you are not getting love,sympathy and support from them . Two - your motherhood,the memory of the time, you poured your everything in them,rips apart your heart.

[@mikepierce2824]

That’s terrible.. but.. I’ve never met a narc who wasn’t abused in some way either directly or indirectly by at least one of their parents/guardian ? I wonder what’s missing from this story 🧐

[@FirstPersonHood]

good point headless.org

[@misse2013]

You explained this SO WELL!!!! I finally truly understand so many things in my life. Thank you so much!

[@misse2013]

For the longest time I experienced cognitive dissonance pertaining to my mother. I would focus only on the good (real and imagined) but she's a world class covert narcissist. I tried to talk about the terrible things that happened when I was growing up (violence & constant fighting between my mom & step dad) and she responded "I dont remember it that way". I was speechless. My siblings and I know how bad it was, no matter how hard she denies it. So she is experiencing cognitive dissonance here too... because she can't cope with the thought of taking responsibility for how bad she really messed up her children's lives. I still hope that one day she will come around, because I'd love to have a relationship with my mother... but until that day, I have to distance myself. I will not pretend everything was and is okay. I did that for way too long. I just hate when people try to make me the bad guy for distancing myself. They say "Life's too short to hold grudges". I'm not holding a grudge. I'm protecting myself.

[@SallyJoeTimestamps]

SAME!!!! EVERYTHING IS CLICKING

[@skiingharpist]

My 15 year marriage fell apart when my ex had what appeared to be a psychotic break. He was keeping up the “show”, but he couldn’t keep up the lies anymore. He broke up our marriage in a text message. He snuck away and blamed it all on me “I’m so DONE with you.” It was insane to live and watch. 2 years later, life is easier without that insanity, the lies, the affairs, the money issues and his hatred of me. Thank you for sharing and teaching us!

[@pleysath]

I have broken free of my abusive, narcissistic family. I have finally gotten through those first 4, long, isolative months. I have surrendered to what was my life. I've lost my oldest daughter to my NM and her NF. I've been alienated from my 4 yr old granddaughter, whom I raised the first 3 years. But I have myself, and my truth. I found the strength and clarity to escape. Through the help of a wonderful therapist, a great life coach, my 15 yr old daughter, friends, God, and videos such as this one. Thank you.

[@jfdc8432]

My rock solid narrative that seems impossible to change is that "I'm the problem, there's something wrong with me". As the scapegoat, who got verbally attacked for just sitting there, I interpreted myself as the problem cuz no one else was treated that way. Also, people outside the family used to tell me I was lucky to have him for a father. As a child, you believe that. My child logic was: 'since I make him fly into a rage just because I exist, I must be the problem'. (Sounds logical to me even as an adult, but now I know that he wasn't flying into a rage because of me - even tho' I was the target - it was because he's a narc.) The problem is, I'm really having a hard time changing the underlying belief that there's something wrong with me. Of course I have food allergies and auto-immune disease that no one can figure out.

[@ramblingruthie7602]

I can completely relate. I am going through the same from past experiences from my father. Ugh Now I completely hate the biased term "she has daddy issues"! Bc I do!! Lol It is difficult every day to pull myself up but I have started mentally recieting "I am enough."and it is helping. Good luck and I hope you get some peace. I am still with my Narc and while all these videos help I am trying to stay bc I think he is lower on the narc scale. I may only be saying that due to cognitive dis! Oh no!!! Take care

[@gloriastroedecke2717]

Sphynx Auto-immune illnesses are the classic representation/result of Narcissistic abuse. Got some of that myself. At least two family members did a number on me, more to a lesser extent. One is dead, but the live one still tries. Gray Rocking when necessary and no contact the rest of the time.

[@chrissysnakedwisdom4699]

The food allergies and auto-immune disease are symptoms of your mind and body being out of sync. Did you know your subconscious mind is in every cell of your body? Think of yourself as a small baby that has just been born. Look at that baby and know that you were born perfect. It's the programming put on you by others that has created this old and wrong belief of not being enough. You are okay. I have found that talking to myself as I would talk to a small innocent child, as a protector, with complete and utter love - talk out loud to yourself with pure loving words, it has really helped me. You are on the right path!

[@jfdc8432]

@Tami Witte Looked him up and subscribed - thanks!

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Sphynx, all great advice here already. Good luck getting stronger. Remember the skit on SNL where he looks in a mirror and says, “I’m good enough” “I’m smart enough”. Hysterical but your core needs to believe it. Have you made a list of all the things you like about yourself? Bet it a mile long 💜

[@emarie7591]

Being “stuck” is about managing within our ability to control. As a child of narc parents how much control do they have? What else can they do but “justify” to cope. I know I had to forgive myself. But the key is understanding what is in our control.

[@Misslotusification]

"The truth will set you free but 1st it will piss you off." Gloria Steinhem

[@rachelace6102]

"You find a way to justify their behavior." Wow

[@ddseir1443]

Something I’d like to add, is this: excusing and rationalizing may be, of course, signs of trauma bonding and co dependency. But the thing is, on an early stage, they’re normal!!! I mean, take a typical covert narc. He/she starts as a perfect companion. Treats you 100% well, everything’s fine, even ideal. And then they change. Yes, but in the beginning, you don’t know yet it`s a narc you `re really dealing with. OK, this person was great to me for 2 years, and now I`m going to tear him/her apart for one mistake? I`m going to leave an otherwise perfect relationship just for that one time when I think I was mistreated? The thing is, and my guess is that this is what the good doctor’s talking about, that this is abnormal when it is repeated in a form of a pattern. That`s co dependency and trauma bonding, not being able to break free after a series of abusive behaviors.

[@martycrow]

Very insightful comment @DodSeidr. In a sense, all of life is "cognitive dissonance" - eg we are taught to be mindful of others, to be empathetic, to lose our ego, etc. This is meant to lead to each of us being a "better" human being. Then we experience the "real world" - one that is selfish, where the egotistical win, where greed is good, where the ethical compass is fit only for the museum. What we end up with individuals who are bewildered - in a state of permanent cognitive dissonance. Is everything we were taught and believe not really true? Can people lie to your face and "fake it" to that extent? Then the doubts creep in..."was I too suspicious when things didn't add up?" We seek some validation. I have still not worked out who can provide this.

[@sparkygump]

This is basically a blueprint for the beginning of my marriage. the first few years was awesome then she started morphing into a covert narc. I tried for 10 years to "fix" it but she resisted every step of the way. So now, I think i understand the cognitive dissonance I was under.

[@ddseir1443]

@@sparkygump Yeah, only she probably didn't really morph into anything. She was a covert narc all along. That's what being covert's all about. The psych consensus is that they misdevelopped into that in childhood or early adolescence. What really changed, was the phase. And no, you don't fix that. Ever. No matter what you do.

[@sparkygump]

@@ddseir1443 so very true. I was brought up to think you take the good with the bad. I learned too late in life that is not a way to live.

[@genevalawrence801]

@@martycrow , yes! For those of us who are natural idealists, or who were raised in a faith that taught us to "turn the other cheek" or to take the golden rule seriously, there is very real cognitive dissonance we experience when faced with the reality of the society we actually live in.

[@user-pe8cu1vs6d]

Extremely clear and helpful. Thank you again Dr. Ramani. I struggle with " why did it take me so long to see this"? A very uncomfortable thought about being played and taken advantage of...and allowing it. Sort of a sick feeling and one that I know is not helpful, but is perhaps part of the aftermath of being "set free by the truth". I see how denial and rationalisation are blinding while one is in it-but after one has seen things for what they are, and as you have pointed out, one "can´t not see." It is here where that most irksome question comes in to haunt: "how could I have been so blind" ? "how could I have been so...and yes sometimes the word stupid comes to mind. So, I also see that forgiveness of self must come to help, and compassion for self is necessary as is validation. Thoughts such as: " I wasted so much time-or gave so much away..." hurt and are unhelpful. So I sit with all of this, for as you say it is OK to feel sad and hurt when acknowledging the truth now of what was once denied : then it was impossible to see because it was too much to bear. One can think that because one is now able to see, one has evolved in strength and resilience. I cherish that I have begun to be able to feel self love. I thank you for your tremendous contribution to the clarity and understanding that supports my healing. I thank you also for specifically stating that confusion is the state that one lives in while in narcissistic abuse/interaction.

[@Suzu52]

I struggle with the same thing....trying to forgive myself for allowing so much abuse, because of low self esteem, financial insecurity, trying to keep family intact for my childrens' sake.... Plus letting myself being scapegoated, gaslit......it takes my breath away

[@soniahathaway1]

Yes, it drives me mad that it took so long, but thank heavens we realised the truth at some point! ❤

[@hollychav3078]

It took me writing everything on a timeline as a part of therapy to see this. I felt myself crumbling for years and didn’t know the cognitive dissonance or any of the other terms. I was initially angry at myself- but with knowledge and ongoing therapy I’m healthier than I’ve been in a long time. Thank you Dr. Ramani for this series

[@loljoyful1]

This is a great idea! I’m going to do my own timeline as you suggested. Thank you for sharing!

[@annettefisher7305]

This is the best description of cognitive dissonance I’ve seen in over a year of watching videos ! Thank you ! Keep spreading the education ☺️🙏💕

[@casperinsight3524]

I grew up in this toxic dysfunction which explains my consecutive friendships/relationships throughout my life. This info should be taught in schools everywhere the sooner the better. Wish I had known this when I was 15 and every day since.

[@fortheloveofgod7258]

👉🏽Agreed! 👉🏽Me too!

[@Gwen13061]

When life is tough, I go to gratitude. A lot of good things in this marriage and just being married especially at my age. Gratitude keeps me a bit stuck...and fear of unknown after 25 years.

[@TheDianeC]

Same here! Did you ever leave?

[@Ysimmons17]

Gratitude is wonderful in keeping our minds on the positive track; however, one should never tolerate abuse! You loss yourself and you really need all of you for the rest of your life, no matter what age you are! Pray that you make the right decision.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

My whole life was dodging the criticisms, jumping higher, achieving more, fixing, improving, trying to get noticed, seeking a friend, a close sibling...until one day- I realized, "there never was anything to fix". And, I'l never get what I need from my family. I was like a dog without the treats.

[@naturalhealingmexico]

It is sad but once you realize it the healing process starts, it happen to me as well, wish u recovery...as I am in that process.

[@francinemarcelin3429]

Here's a question that I have never been able to answer after 40 years with my narcissistic ex-husband: Why are they NEVER satisfied? The more they get (of anything), the more they want. What gives?

[@bluecat7227]

It's because what they want is perfection and in real life perfection does not exist. You have to remember that all of their self esteem comes from the outside. And to them, anything that is not perfect is flawed. So if they don't have the best job, best looks, best family, best partner, you name it, it means that they're flawed and they simply cannot stand being perceived as such, even if only by themselves.

[@wendyhandley9463]

You know deep in your heart that you wouldn't want to be like them, but they want to be like you,, so you give yourself away to get zero back till they've used you up leaving you like an empty shell and leave you for some one else. They are born liars, your not, don't become a liar and lie to yourself or you will be truly lost when they dump you.

[@loljoyful1]

“You don’t want to be like them but, they want to be like you.” This is a very important key to this type of relationship. Excellent insight! You are absolutely right! Thanks for sharing.

[@proft7211]

“A master justifier.” 🙋‍♀️. Right here!!!

[@misskhateralove]

Dr. Ramani, I honestly have no words. I’ve cried multiple times in gratitude and reverence for you and have prayed thanking the Lord for your guidance and support. You are helping so many and I believe the lord has sent you to save us from the hell of such relationships and to help us heal. May the Lord bless you with all the happiness in the world, honorable one. ♥️🙏🏿

[@bls837]

After much trauma staying in a 49 yr marriage with a “nice covert narcissist “ ,I broke free. I am constantly looking for the healing tapes. She is my favorite because of all of these videos I can say she speaks the truth, based on my life experience with a covert narcissist. She nailed my covert to the tee!

[@oceanicmartian]

I made excuses for my abusive parents because *their* parents were abusive. smh.

[@PPMOCRG]

This was one of the hardest parts of figuring out my family dynamics. I had to be away from it for a bit to see all of it for what it was. My sister was the golden child and she can’t see any of it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@Chahlie]

I think the golden child doesn't see it because it suits their agenda not to. My brother thinks it's normal that he has taken all mom's money and she has no heat, and most of the time no water, but she is the head narc so :)

[@PPMOCRG]

@@Chahlie I agree. My sister is a worse narcissist than our father was. She plays the victim while stabbing you in the back.

[@tanyabrazil4298]

This encounter with a sadistic narcissistic sociopath has been the most traumatic, painful and shocking thing I’ve ever experienced. But it has allowed me to recognize all these things you speak of in my family of origin. The invalidation and message that I don’t matter continues even at 52 years old. It is subtle and almost unrecognizable. Everything looks great on the outside. I don’t say anything to my mom when she wants to choose a different restaurant for my birthday. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t even want to upset my cat with my crying. Lol I’m a strong person and will survive this.

[@RandomPerson-hj8fq]

Please go to therapy ma'am... I still see some unresolved issues by going through your comment

[@emmamlis927]

Thank you so much doctor, your voice online has saved people so much, even some people their lives I’m sure. Thank you.

[@realhealing7802]

Excellent information! You described my entire childhood. I was always making excuses for for bad behavior. No more excuses. I am finally free!

[@berries8691]

Dr ramani you have literally narrated my entire childhood and teenage in this video😭❤ Thank you for this video...i am so grateful towards you..you have changed my life in and positive way ❤❤ watching your videos i became realistic. you showed me the reality of narcissitic abuse which i was not aware before until i discovered you.

[@norielkaselowski3808]

For my brother and me, it was "She had a terrible childhood, terrible relationships and she is just too sensitive a person to be able to bear if anything was up with her children. It worries her too much which is why she needs to deny anything is happening at all and will scream at us and say we are lying when we are trying to tell her about things that bother us." In consequence, we decided to never burden her with our thoughts, feelings or problems again and take on hers instead.

[@faithm9284]

I thought my mother was my best friend but I found out nothing I told her was held as private and was eventually used against me. I never knew until she didn't know I was in the next room and heard her throwing me under the bus! I never would have believed it if I hadn't heard her myself! She was that 'good' at spinning reality. I'm so grateful I went no contact with my siblings as well. They took my mother 'out', and they are all toxic and dangerous. My life is wonderful now! You just don't know the freedom you've been missing to be your authentic self until you go 'no contact'. It's not easy, but it's wonderful on the other side! There's no point in romanticizing a relationship or family relationship that will never be what you 'want it' to be. Living a lie is no way to live!

[@Paula-pv7ep]

Take hold of your life .Dont let people control you or manipulate you .Get away from them stay away .If you have to deal with them put up a shield .Protect yourself .Always seek help .Get good counsel .I stayed in counsel. Not one of them told me I was dealing with a narcissistic. They were Doctor s .This is the first Doctor that has really helpful .cause if you know what your dealing with you can fight it .Thank you Doctor with the truth .

[@edlamircoelho5402]

My family and I have made excuses for my father for a long time. Now I understand what happened and can move and change my future, as I can't change the past.

[@ivasvircicborstnar3800]

Same here! I am a truthteller so now I am the problem, cause I am preventing the rest of the family in faking their nice family perception and preventing them from seeing my kids.

[@justmemother2]

Glad you see it at such a young age. Good for you!

[@shayshaymann113]

Your videos are a life saver!!! It’s been a hell of a ride for me dealing with a narcissistic abusive mother. Everything you mention makes total sense and validates exactly how I feel. Thank you for your advice on how to handle narcissism for people like me

[@wchiwinky]

wOw, "cognitive dissonance" is a powerful term that all of us would do good to understand (overstand?)...I am definitely guilty of being afflicted with this dynamic, more than I'd like to admit, and always under the guise of remaining "positive"! I will look at my justifications differently now! Thank You Dr Ramani, your work is so valuable and diligently conveyed!

[@Chuleta_9]

wchiwink I see this a lot in the “be positive!” internet trend. I can’t tell you how much I hate it, because a lot of those people are not actually positive, like you said, they just lie to themselves. There’s a huge difference between being “positive”, and being optimistic. It’s okay to be angry, sad, hurt, to feel hate, to want to be alone, and to just not want to deal with shit anymore. The “positive” trend sees these emotions as something negative, when it’s a natural cycle of any sentient being to deal with the negative things. It’s what you do with these emotions that can become negative or positive. Suppressing emotions and the reality of a situation is not being “positive”, it’s lying to yourself. Being optimistic, however, is taking whatever negative experience and making the best of it. Learning to dance in the rain, if you happen to not like rain. For example, I’m quite cynical, sarcastic, and I have a really dark humor. I use it to make any negative situation fun. I find the fun out of anything, and use it to make the experience much less stressful, and I can say even enjoyable to a degree. Find your optimism without having to suppress your true emotions nor lie to yourself. Like Dr. Ramani said, it’s okay to admit disappointment.

[@littleiodine9480]

wchiwink thank you for admitting that. it helped me see that's exactly what I have been doing to the nth degree. actually to the point of basically becoming numb. it's almost like either way something goes it doesn't matter it just goes. wow, I've got to make something matter again.

[@whataboutbob7967]

Good Lord! You might as well be a fly on the wall here! Your videos the last 3 days are in step with the dynamics here. Cognitive dissidence - huge topic. Thank you!

[@kuukuyankson2033]

Are you playing on words there or it's a typo?

[@idratherbeatthebeach4752]

You had me in tears with this one. It's a prison of our own making isn't it.

[@LindaKordich]

Cognitive dissonance….wow now I get it. No wonder. I definitely used this to justify the relationship. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your commitments to help others such as myself to wake up !

[@breebeal3344]

Amen! Yes, it is ONLY the truth in my abusive marriage that set me free. I celebrated 2 years of freedom on May 1st. I wake-up everyday now with peace that is priceless! Thank you Dr. Ramani. I continue to watch your videos because they keep me grounded :)

[@laevan2053]

Congratulations and best wishes for continued happinesses! The peace is worth everything, isn't it?

[@Gwen13061]

How bad was it?

[@webeducation]

Failed Psych 101 20 years ago in college because the person who wrote the book must have been drunk. Thank you for making sense out of all this. Great video.

[@carolnahigian9518]

It is okay-never too late TO MOVE FORWARD

[@nikstar1313]

Only realised I am the family scapegoat at 45, what a journey! Grey rock practice is insane.. my golden child bro has so much CD! It’s crazy! Thanks for your work again, you are amazing!

[@lynnekasal192]

Thanks for doing this! So needed for this of us who were raised by narcissists and were never validated for having experienced this abuse.

[@cliffp.8396]

I wonder if 'cognitive dissonance is the or one of the underlying causes of 'psychosomatic ills'. Excellent tutorial by the way, entirely consistent with your book 'Don't You Know Who I Am'.

[@mariaaldrete1347]

I just shared this video with my therapist and asked her if we can talk about it at our next meeting. She agreed and I am deeply and wonderfully Thankful for you sweet lady!!!! My mother was so nice and helpful to everyone..So I always wondered why she hated me. Now I'm learning to understand why I'm with a narcissistic man who helps everyone and they love him for fixing their RVs, but I sit and wait and wait and I just deal with all the abusive crap he leaves for me.

[@1classystyle]

This was me. I rationalized/justified soooo much even when I knew how I was being treated wasn't right. I thought I could do more in order to make things better. I carried the weight of the relationship in many ways, and it was exhausting. My friends saw the issues easily, but I kept trying to find silver linings, settling for his "bread crumbs", and thinking he would change. He didn't. He used me, he abused me emotionally so many times, he invalidated my feelings, he ghosted me more than once, and left me trying to find the answers to what went wrong. I ended it with him over text...because he wasn't man enough to end it himself or have an adult, face-to-face conversation. He didn't necessarily object to things ending, but of course he put his spin on things to where he put me as part of the reason the relationship has to end. It was complete blame-shifting and no accountability at all for his previous actions that forced my hand in putting a stop to things. He was part of my life for three-and-a-half years, and I'm now the one picking up the pieces and trying to move on, knowing I'll never get the closure I need or deserve. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your many videos on Narcissism. I read a book on emotional abuse recovery, but hearing a calming voice that gives so much more detail than a book is what I need right now.

[@julieannemichelle]

It’s as if you have a crystal ball and watching my past!!!! I feel so great not having my dysfunctional relationship!!!

[@ninarodriguez906]

Thank you so much for this channel I'm a recently 44 year old diagnosed BPD and thanks to you I realized that my husband is a narcissist and I feel stuck thank you for this channel

[@garamnarum]

The truth will set you free. Only the truth! Thank you so much, you are an angel!

[@raynebow5289]

I have countless old diary entries, describing how I did not feel conflicted about a certain occurrence until others told me how I should feel. I remember the very first time I experienced cognitive dissonance. I was in preschool. As the youngest of three daughters, we lived in a house that was always somewhat clean, as three children were constantly running rampant. My narcissistic mother opened the fridge and a small container I'd haphazardly placed on the door came tumbling out. She sighs, picks up the container and says, ¨My children are so messy. I don't even know why god blessed me with them.¨ Naturally, I cried and my enabling father came running, asking what was wrong. I told them and a huge argument between them ensued while I ran to my room to cower in my bed. My sisters ask me why I am crying and before I can respond, my father storms into our room and yells in my face that my mother loves me and I should never convince myself otherwise. In retrospect, I now understand how those words affected the next two decades of my life. Fortunately, I was still able to escape my mother's grasp at the age of 20. I am still not out of the toxic family loop yet, but I have gotten this far and am determined to continue. Those grapes were utterly sour.

[@morganbeckstead4753]

The Bible says: The heart is deceitful above all things,and desperately wicked,who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9.

[@sandager4628]

Absolutely the best video in the Dr. Ramani archive, thanks 👍 So interesting and well explained I had to rewatch it just to write down notes on all the thought it triggered. I'v had not learned so much in 33 years and this insight is just so useful

[@doctordrabs]

I hear what your saying, your videos have me believing that all relationships are toxic and I should stay out of them.

[@Chasmatazz]

Dear Dr. Ramani: Your online videos have been somewhat of a godsend to me. Thank you for this video, and others that you've posted. It makes a difference, and you are making a difference.

[@firouz4296]

While I was with him, talking to my friends actually helped him to continue abusing me! They helped finding excuses for why he is such a horrible person. He was very handsome and charming to everyone. Everyone told me I should not be too hard on him because he is going through a difficult time.(He is young, he never had a long relationship, he just moved, he changed his job etc. The better he felt, the less issues he had in life , the more I helped him, the the more horrible he behaved towards me! After almost 3 years I could leave him and saved my life.

[@stephaniebonner8889]

Fi Rouz this invalidation is, sadly, what prolongs these relationships; it enables the narcissists behaviour. It's as if you're being accused of lying - crushing to have family/friends agree with the narcs lies, but we learn that, maddeningly, they only see the fake persona the narc presents.