4 Things that SABOTAGE your healing from a narcissistic relationship

[@BemaSeatAcademy]

Carpet of eggshells Repository of cruelty You are a Shakespeare too, Doc. I love you.

[@cyberninjasworld]

Great descriptions!!

[@thereisnoninadria]

And modern too with FONTE and IWAT. ❤

[@MichaelBroder]

There’s a level on which I am grateful for my now defunct relationship because it really forced me to confront my history of trauma bonding and to become more aware of the role I play in selling myself out in these relationships and maybe at the ripe old age of 63 I am finally in a position to stop doing it again and again and again.

[@leecotton3242]

Same age here … can really resonate with your comment.

[@BemaSeatAcademy]

54

[@TimetoWonder222]

56

[@MM-gk5of]

72 yrs old, 51 yrs married to a very secretive narc. I have been deluding myself for decades.

[@user-hs9qz3dg1l]

Yep! 62 here and so many crazy opportunities to have gotten swayed by yet another !@$#& narcissist…boundary up and lots of Dr Ramani, journaling, and reading. It does not feel safe out there in this world right now.

[@mickeyblue7]

Dr Ramani you helped me so much. 2 years ago I found your videos and realised what I'd been through for the last 37 years. I 've been separated from my covert narcissist husband for 2 and half years now. Have my own lovely house, lots of friends and a good life. Divorce completed through yesterday. I never want to see him again. I'm sorry I had children with him. Luckily I'm not against men and have met some wonderfully nice men. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Dr Ramani. You gave me a new life to live

[@cathyemms5083]

My story exactly, and I have been out for about 2 years. Not divorced, but we live separately, which provides me with a feeling of peace and decency that I could not have if living in the same home.

[@iconsnart]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@kathysamson5691]

Wow! So proud of you. I put in 28 and have been separated from my covert narc for a year. Can you share some things about your divorce? I am nervous. Congratulations! We can do hard things!

[@mickeyblue7]

​@@kathysamson5691first you need to give yourself time to heal mentally and physically. I was lucky I moved into the spare room until we sold our house. I'd been building a new life for myself for a few years. Friends were a huge support because my husband was a 5* review type of man. Everybody and I mean everybody thought he was great. Fortunately for me he started to let his guard down and showed our older children how he treated me. Don't get me wrong, they love their dad and he's always been a good dad. I hope I never tell my children just how much I had to suffer to stay and bring them up. You will be nervous, that's normal. One step at a time. Let me know of you need any further info Wishing you the best of luck

[@olyabrenner3590]

@@mickeyblue7 I’m so sooooo happy excited for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏

[@janeene24]

I left after 20 years. My only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner. Never been happier and the thought of someone getting the best version of him never even crossed my mind. I couldn’t care less.

[@kymberlib3043]

P} we) 1qs

[@HT-zp7mx]

Agree 💯

[@tonyale749]

You speak my mind.

[@catieoliva2192]

I left after 19 yrs. Been seperated 9 weeks and the struggle is real!! 😢

[@janeene24]

@@catieoliva2192 hang in there hun. It gets better. Lean into your support system.

[@connie9492]

MY REGRET IS ALSO THAT I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME TRYING. I WAS WILLING TO INVEST AND TRY WHEN IT WAS MISERABLE!

[@matilda1505]

Same here. Trying and failing and blaming myself, till someone came along and explained to me that he is literally missing a part of the brain that is responsible for compaction

[@kosmaczek]

@@matilda1505 I envy you. I am trying to help somebody I am dating with and love her, but she is struggling. He is very abusive and puts all blame on her, using all the tricks to convice her she should get back (as she is stupid searching for something he gave her, or she does evil thing leaving him, or she is killing him, and so on). It is difficult and verz exhausting even listening to this all.

[@sara.e.1111]

Same here! Now after all the years of psychological abuse I live like a recluse and try to avoid any social interactions.

[@deborahmullen6312]

OMG, I am doing this, too, Sara!​@@sara.e.1111

[@LesviaRevolorio]

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

[@Teresa-France]

I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??

[@LesviaRevolorio]

Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Ann Brandon.

[@LesviaRevolorio]

She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸

[@LesviaRevolorio]

After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.

[@Manuel_Hux]

Can't imagine earning $85,000 biweekly, God bless Ms Claudia Ann Brandon , God bless America 🇺🇸♥️

[@ReRe_642]

That’s the worst is loosing 30 years of my life. Passed up great men for this.

[@Jem-if6io]

Ditto!

[@matilda1505]

35 and ditto

[@Frec_kledbeauty]

18 years here. I had my first get away 2yrs into the marriage then I took him back and years later I look back… it wasn’t totally wasted. I have two wonderful kids but downfall is those two plus my older kids saw so much toxicity… my youngest didn’t see as much as the older ones so my biggest thing is teaching her do not let anyone mess with “her” reality. Not even me… I may have had a good man weeks before I took him back. 😔 I’ll never know.

[@antoninamemoli5406]

Me too

[@TishikaMiller]

The one thing you can’t get back is your TIME!!! These idiots are taking our time while we’re wasting our time when we stay with them cuz they are NOT going to change …

[@cherrybacon3319]

It will take the rest of my life, however long that is, to recover and heal from my abuse as it changed me at my core and i have had to learn who i am again. 🍒

[@jasec2252]

stay strong. The fact Dr Ramani has 1.7 million subscribers shows that these disorders are widespread and the cause, not you. You're not alone. We have all suffered from them. You did nothing wrong.

[@cherrybacon3319]

@@jasec2252 Thank you.

[@matilda1505]

Amen to that. I don’t like who I became

[@Liza-h2l]

Yes the hardest part is how it leaves you feeling like you never knew your own self

[@kimberlygirten2635]

That is the current journey I am too! It has shaken me to the core and I don’t even know what I am and who I am or what I like bc of narc abuse mother

[@yukio_saito]

The more you forgive them, the more and more they repeat the same thing.

[@paxbodhi7566]

It’s really a never ending toxic cycle because they will NEVER change. As Dr. Ramani has taught, it’s a personality style. Especially if they’re grandiose narcissists then their personality works for them. Only thing to do is go no contact or grey rock if they’re the parent of your child.

[@LWi-yz4oz]

❤

[@Frankenhooker1]

I don’t think that’s forgiving. It’s accepting their behavior and your unwillingness to leave them because of the trauma bond. The definition of forgiveness is not about telling someone it’s okay what they’ve done to you. It’s letting go of the suffering they’ve inflicted upon you and moving on to have a better life for yourself!

[@salvatorethomas9546]

Good observation. Being with a narcissist is like being on a merry-go-round.

[@suziebee4240]

​@laurapearl4196 the thing for me is, there were plenty excuses. Yeah okay you worked 12 to 18 hours, you were tired and cranky, you wete emotional, it was a slip of the tongue. And she'd say she loves me and she'll do anything for my well being. When i ask something of her, she calmly explains she has no time, she cant do that, but she can give me money to take care of it, then uses that money later to say its all because of me. Everything is because of me. Only when all these dynamics disappeared and she no longer has any excuses did it become very clear that she never had any intentions to have a loving relationship with me. Work wasnt getting in the way. She chose work to run away from any family responsibilities. She never chooses to go visit my sister, then berates me saying i need to accompany her visiting my sister and its all my fault they cant see each other. Theres all these nuanced dynamics where the situation had to be clear of any excuses for me to realize what she is. Forgiveness for me was deciding i know you're trying your best but you werent perfect. I accept your imperfections, even if it hurts me, so that i can keep you in my life. After having clarity, theres nothing to forgive. I had FONDE, so I DID try everything, and i know for sure now theres absolutely nothing further to see here. I forgive her for being who she is. But nothing will ever change my mind and make me want her back in my life. I have nothing to gain and so much to lose.

[@betteantor9625]

41 years ago the narcissist left. A few days ago all the feelings of grief came up in front of a best friend as i told her about the narcissist. I guess i had been carrying that for 41 years. My friend was compassionate and understanding and loving.

[@kristinaryan8659]

Omg... you've said everything i went through. 10 years of just losing myself, severe repeated infidelity from him, emotional abuse, gaslighting breadcrumming. The sayings are even the same! We went camping to outback Australia and he would not even sit and watch the stars with me. Thats one of the reasons we went for! Too intimate for him or something. He'd disappear for a night and if i questioned him he'd say i don't need this crap, i'll be happier to live in my van. So i said go! For good this time. Its been 10 months and such a hard road. I've lost so many people who lost patience with me taking him back so many times. I thiught they would come back but those friendships are over. My circle has shrunk to just a few people but thats ok. Its peaceful! I've come out of the depression mostly but i dont know how to face the future. He circles back occasionally testing waters and while i've finally got that he wont change, the trauma bond is the hardest to get out of. 😢

[@JohannaVanDreumel]

It's time to put yourself 1st, empower yourself. Yes, it's going to be tough initially, but believe me( I have experienced it, now 5yrs free,) Peace, kindness and your good friends will support you, the others...... drop them.

[@jasec2252]

You deserved so much more. You have a lot more to offer someone in future, than he ever will. I wish you well.

[@kimhawkins2891]

That was helpful to hear.

[@keyonatownsend]

Yes this is exactly what I'm going through friendships over because of me cutting them off going back to him. So I'ma take this jorney alone.

[@kristinaryan8659]

@keyonatownsend I'm so sorry. I absolutely understand. I guess in a way though we are not alone in this type of community and these videos are a great help and reminder too. Also support groups on Facebook are good too . But I do miss the friendships I had..geez I was silly. In hindsight.

[@missyglittervlogs3543]

Hey,love your videos! I got out of a narcissistic relationship 5 years ago! Your videos helped me!

[@denisemegenhardt282]

The best thing that I have found is not to talk to them after leaving because it will make you fall back into the trap. You can not change anyone but, yourself! 🙏🙏🙏

[@anitah3258]

PS. I absolutely love the cameo from your cat. Listening to you talk and watching your cat come and relax on your lap gives me this special serene feeling. Thank you both 💓

[@jodycasey6936]

I agree. Four years ago I was watching one of her videos, same thing happened, her cat jumped in her lap while she was filming. Needless to say, I was hooked! I love how you said the cat gives you a special serene feeling ❤

[@marriadaniels2616]

@anitah3258 I love how Dr. Ramani never missed a beat as her cat catted, too. 💯💖😻

[@marriadaniels2616]

When an issue arose and I tried to verbally show that I was trying to understand his position, my former husband of 19 years used to say to me, "Don't psychoanalysis me!" There really is no winning with them.

[@klp63]

Same exact situation! Finally out!

[@Sparcyyy727]

Omg. Literally verbatim what my husband would say “don’t psycho-analyze me. Stop trying to diagnose me” Like I was trying to understand you …

[@KMurray-sj9ty]

Yup my husband whenever I tell him my feelings and ask him to communicate his feelings, boundaries and needs, told me after he flew into a rage about it "the next time you feel like doing an impromptu therapy session on me, don't."

[@jelibra1967]

Wow exactly the same for me too!

[@burt2800]

Same here, "stop it with that kitchen table psychology".

[@JoeMazzei-y6x]

My wife just left after 4 years. All of the antagonistic behavior had me worried about my every move so I didn't upset her. I'd be pushed and poked until I reacted , then I was bashed for my actions for days. Despite all that, now that she left I'm lost. I'm so confused and scatter brain. I feel I put in so much effort. Transformed my whole life giving up everything to make the relationship work just to have it end over the stupidest thing. Leaving me feeling lost. I have no clue who I am anymore. All my time and thoughts were devoted to her. So thank you for all these videos. Watching them is the only time I don't feel alone.

[@MelissaWalsh-y7w]

I felt/feel exactly the same. Broke up with my narcissistic ex six weeks ago and I’m completely lost. Cannot stop crying . Cannot go out and be with people . I go to work but I’m a shell of my former self. Ive had breakups before but never felt this level of anxiety and loss. I gave up so much for him and I am desperately trying to get my life back

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

💯 the narcissistic sister in law who is repeatedly unapologetically abusive and damaging to us all, yet never faces consequences, and I am shamed and blamed for not wanting to be around her. Super messed up. I don’t care what they think, I will protect my health. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@marriadaniels2616]

@@costelloandlizzievolk2233 I can relate to this.

[@lizapope2558]

It kicks butt that you chose to distance yourself and get away from the toxic darkness. Go you and keep it up!

[@Martec-o3l]

Same with a twist thanks to these videos and Dr. Iñaki Piñuel in Spain got the rest of the party to open their eyes.Lets Keep it up!

[@jaclynns.jungle]

I have one of those too, and she's blocked in every way from contacting me. Idgaf what anyone else thinks about it and at family functions, I just pretend she doesn't exist unless I absolutely have to. Then it's grey rock. She gets zero emotion and only surface level responses.

[@mabelpayne8933]

I thought I was the only one who had a sister-in-law like this. It has been a hell for the last 39 years. I try to be around her as little as possible but husband is the flying monkey. My coping skills now are that I just don’t care anymore. The can be up each other b*** where the sun never shines and I wish them happiness. It does leave you bitter but I know there is a better life out there.

[@lornayuen7444]

Finding this channel is a godsend. 🙏

[@missyglittervlogs3543]

@@lornayuen7444 it really is! She’s the best! ♥️

[@AlonzoJohnson-l4m]

Get her 📚📖

[@joysachs9032]

Absolutely. Her videos have helped me sooo much. Always grateful 🙏

[@lorimiller7261]

They will not change leave and get off the crazy train. Don’t give them anymore of your precious life ❤

[@michelerose9228]

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Thank you for all your videos.

[@demigaines5644]

Thank you So Very Much For Sharing This The 4 Things That Sabotage My Healing From Narcissitic Abuse Was 1/ Ruminating /Sadness 2/ Shame 3/My Mental health Issues 4/ Confusion Wanting Answers

[@jgbooboo]

Yes. I echo that advice. It is appropriately comparable to the return of a prisoner of war needing deep deprogramming. I think there is a word to describe what I’m saying… but just to emphasize that it IS like a super virus that has infiltrated every cell in your brain AND the cells in your body. Their voice is embedded in every cell of your existence. It takes a long time Just dedicated (professionally and/or systematically) to finding, recognizing, and separating their voice from your own. This one step of starting an investigation and unveiling their voice from yours and of separating their voice can lead to healing in all areas you’ve mentioned. This happened to me as well -exactly as you’ve stated. 1,2,3,&4 are all rooted in how programmed we were. In my journey I discovered their voice in 100’s areas that I would have never guessed existed. The process of discovery had a duel effect of finding myself and gaining agency.

[@Sir.DavidBruce]

Everyone who went through this should watch these videos they are very educating!

[@stephaniemeldrum8268]

J.O.M.O : Joy of missing out 😅 🙌🏼

[@kellyb6820]

Love this 😎

[@NotIt1024]

0:22 Fear of trying everything 10:01 Pressure to forgive the narcissist 17:28 Micromanaging your healing 28:47 Intellectualizing instead of feeling

[@fabulousfamily564]

Thank you!!!! This is amazing

[@fabulousfamily564]

This is what I was hoping for

[@heleneisotta4288]

There is no better version of them!! Thank u dr. Ramani- queen❤

[@sunshinejenny777]

Thank you Dr Ramini for actually saying out loud that healing of a narcissist relationship takes more time. It has been 15 years from a Narcissitic marriage of 26 years (32 years from age 16 to 50) to RECOVER and HEAL from that relationship!! I am happy. I am single. Loving being alone and having life choices!! Just have to figure out how to start a career at age 64 as I have not recovered financially.

[@debneys7189]

Hear you 😢

[@rachelabate2401]

I've been going to my local worksource center. Great resource.

[@bekind7288]

After I filed for divorce we lived in the same house until it was finalized. My now ex-mother in law called me and told me I needed to move out, then called again to tell me I needed to "try harder" because she was worried he might "do something..." I told her if she was so worried he might do something horrible, maybe she should encourage HIM to move out. God protected me and our teenage son and continues to guide each of us through healing 🙏 ❤

[@jodycasey6936]

Glad you’re here. ❤

[@bekind7288]

@@jodycasey6936 thank you! Been listening to Dr Ramani for a few years. It’s always healing ❤️‍🩹 Glad you’re here too 😁

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

So happy for you and your son ❤️ God bless 🙌 🙏 ❤️

[@bekind7288]

@@SherryWilson-dk7bo thank you! 🙏 truly it was by the grace of God. Not everyone experiences a good outcome. We will both continue healing probably for the rest of our lives. I pray God allows both of us to use this to help others 💕🙏 May God bless you too!

[@ReRe_642]

@@bekind7288yes you will God is with you two prayers.

[@kondetichandini8966]

Life is before and after, watching Dr.Ramani content... Can't thank her enough, dear Dr.Ramani you're the angel sent by the Universe in millions of lives... Knowledge is power, when it comes to Narcissistic relationships.

[@wendyandfriends]

"Future faking yourself"... WOW! Yes!!

[@elizabethevans7198]

I feel like there are so many narcissists . Because of being raised in a generation where child abuse was not really addressed. Neighbors didn’t get involved. Feelings made us weak and never talked about. We grew up love starved and groomed to except terrible treatment as love . Some of us became perfect for narcissists to use . We go on to damage our children and start a whole new cycle. The whole suck it up . What didn’t kill you makes you stronger. BS was belittling. Wish healing was more important than to stay quiet and dealing with it !

[@elle2437]

Been divorced for 7 years, after 24 years of marriage. He’s still hoovering, smear campaigning and my daughter is his target to get info and to control me. I don’t talk to him and live in a bubble of friends I trust. My daughter is totally stressed and because I don’t do what he tells me through her. He’s gaslighting and manipulating her. It’s terrible but I can’t give in.

[@priyakirubakaran1851]

What an AH.. my ex did that with my teenage son which confused him so much.. he could only see through his father only when he turned 25 years and by then I was out of their lives

[@mischelemiller5020]

@@elle2437 my daughter's going threw the same

[@jasec2252]

Your story highlights that they never change, and that their next 10 victims won't get a better version of them. A healthy person would move on after 7 years and want to co-parent effectively. Good luck and don't give in.

[@Herenowtodayful]

This is the only Chanel that’gets’ it. And I am so grateful to have found it 6 months ago. 💛

[@alicegharibjanians1449]

Dear Dr Ramani, you have been the biggest blessing in my 67 years of life. All the confusing Narc etc puzzles are solved, thanks to your teachings. I feel like you are a Universal International Mother giving all of us a second chance in life by teaching us, enlightening us and raising us for the second time but this time, our minds, souls and spirits are awakened on a different level! Thank you for everything you do! Blessings to you and your loved ones!

[@CasperXGen]

Had a narc mom, not to mention what came after. It was poison in my life and now in middle age, I’m still working to heal and understand it all. Thank you for all that you do. The permission piece you speak about made me stop in my tracks! Thank you. I don’t forgive for that level of destruction. I’m looking forward to reading your new book.

[@DrPfeiffer]

The brutal yet necessary truth in Dr. Ramani’s videos becomes even more evident and relatable the more time and space I put between myself and The Abuser, The Betrayer, and the Zombie Enablers. As many DV/DA and NA (narcissistic abuse) survivors know all too well, in order to recover, we must radically reprogram ourselves. As a compassionate, trauma-informed therapist, Dr. Ramani brings balance and sanity to our recovery journeys. 🙏🏽

[@DzsM-rz7gu]

I think to believing ourselves is the hardest.When everybody is making like you belong to them but you know,no...I don't belong to abuse. I belong to safety and intelligent people.

[@DzsM-rz7gu]

It's hard to believing ourselves while others don't.Very surreal to believing ourselves having no pattern to it but it's possible.

[@thelabrat4204]

WE LOVE DR RAMANI 🙌

[@monikas2941]

I wish I found your channel 10 years ago 😂. The progress is exponentially faster now.

[@JONNIE-u5u]

Amen! I am finally doing what I’ve been wanting my entire life. I started trying everything when I was a teenager because of my narc mother. I’ve taken diving classes. 10 meters is high. I worked at Disneyland. I took ballet to be on pointe. Now that I’m divorced I want to make my own decisions over my life, including mistakes. People I’ve met here in France are amazed of what I’m doing. My fearlessness is from my grandma. I am also more afraid of what’s inside the house

[@nadmrsic]

I went through hell with narcissistic abuse from someone i used to call my soulsister. I cant recover ever... lost all friends, lost myself, lost trust in people.... lost 20 years of my life, daily crying, suffering... Thank you Dr Ramani, for helping us to navigate in this torture

[@acasyd]

Feelings are difficult to be with, at times staying with feelings is immensely painful, thank you DrRamini for the encouragement

[@sushmayen]

I have fear of making it through the storm and keeping my sanity.

[@mikel917]

I understand that completely

[@user-hs9qz3dg1l]

Keep your attention focused on your eventual prize…peace of mind…and your freedom to just be. It’s taken me years…and I’m never going back!!!

[@klp63]

I did too. But it also shows you your strength (and I still have un-sane days). Even one supportive person to talk to who loves you helps immensely. Thank goodness for my dad and my BFF, they get me through the worst of it!

[@bekind7288]

@@sushmayen it can feel unnerving when our emotional stability seems to fluctuate with no immediately discernible reason. It is like waves, as others have described. In dealing with it all I refused to worry about what I ate. I’d deal with that later. Only after listening to testimonies from people who started carnivore way of eating did I decide to give it a go. I’m not perfect, but my joint pain, feeling triggered, sense of victimization…almost completely resolved. I am so very grateful to God. One step at a time I continue to heal. Learning from Dr. Ramani has also been a Godsend. One favorite channel is No Carb Life with Dave Mac. I love to hear people’s life stories and transformations 🥰 Maybe you can find some freedom too…praying for you 💕🙏

[@janenerbeaner1673]

You can do it, take care of yourself, reach out to whatever support you have! Many people have made it through to the other side, so you can too! I am in a very bad spot after a year already broken up from my ex, but I'm starting to slowly see the light again. I know I can heal myself and push through.

[@kcren38]

My answer was: “I forgive you … AND my boundaries are not changing.“ (I’m letting it go … for me, so it doesn’t fester, BUT trust has been destroyed, it is never going to be safe again, so my boundaries are permanent … also for me.)

[@avriltorres6688]

Thanks Dr. Ramani. You'v really helped me so much.

[@NawalTawfik-yr5cz]

FONTE moreover is: Fear of not Trying Enough! Thank you, Dr. Ramani, you are a stepping stone in my awareness road ❤

[@velvetgardenia]

F.O.N.T.E!! I am loving these acronyms, Dr. Ramani! ❤

[@alainapoindexter3482]

The information is invaluable; however, the hilarious way in which you impart it is so appreciated! I feel myself laughing through the pain because you’re so funny! IWAT is something I’ll forever use… :)

[@novairene6880]

I remarried my ex after the love bombing and all that comes with that. Of course, all the behaviors that caused the first divorce returned. So now I have two divorces with the same person. That is a hard pill to swallow. So much regret. As the quote goes- when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.

[@brendalindsey5425]

my sister did the same thing. Nobody could talk her out of either marriage. They were together until she was in her mid 40s. Then he kept doing things to motivate her to spend time with him and the kids. Now he's been dead for years and she is so much easier to be around. She was a little nutty after her 2nd divorce and way nuttty while she was with him. Good luck with all the regret. I really enjoy her now. She's one of my favorite people now. You might get benefits you hadn't even thought you might, by leaving him. Try to cut him entirely out of your life.

[@theeditor1149]

I hope you can overcome the regret soon, there is no point holding on to those feelings now and feeling bad about it because it happened, and it just meant you were a loving, forgiving, healthy person. You were a better person than he was. And I'm sure there was a lot of manipulation and promises made on his part to get you to stay and be with him. So it's not your fault, he lead you on. Take some time for yourself, look after yourself, forgive yourself the way you would forgive others. Be kind to yourself the way you would be kind to a friend. You are still alive and you made it out of a bad situation, you still have time to make your life what you want and have joy. And now you are wise enough to never let a bad person back into your life.

[@novairene6880]

@@theeditor1149 Thank you for the kind words and support.

[@IsraelXOX-gh9mr]

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done [e-mail]

[@gawdess559]

Thank you. My rose colored glasses came off a month or so ago after 11 years. Even though I realize that I am not a professional and its not fair to call him a narcissist as I am not a professional.. your videos is making this process easier. I actually feel less alone even though we haven't met. I have felt scared alone and stuck for a long time, and admittedly I am still there, but I am starting to see my own self again, and the treatment I get isn't ok.... but this Rapid Acceptance is a bitch. I'm still hoping everything will get better.

[@scuttletheship656]

I was married to the narc for 10 years. I got out 6 years ago...I promise you, it will get better. Find your passion, find your joy, and steal your soul BACK. ❤

[@tinas.780]

Thank you so much Dr. Ramani, you helped me more than anybody understanding what happened. I am still on my journey to heal and slowly getting there. Keep on creating content like this - it means the world to many people out there. Thank you so much (from the other side of the world) :)

[@rachelg3274]

Thank you for this. People in normal relationships don’t understand that it’s not just a broken heart after a break up. It’s trying to get yourself back, after being co-opted; it is dealing with grief like death, but worse than death, without your self being intact. You often have PTSD from the separation from the person who co-opted you and infiltrated you in ways so insidious that you sometimes even internalize their cruelty toward you and start being self destructive. You sometimes find yourself acting like the narcissist in your responses and reactions, even how you hold a conversation may be different, because you are conditioned to look out for land mines or to respond with matched anger energy or antagonism. It’s really complex and sick. Thank you for these videos that are very therapeutic, as they give the victim of a narc the reassurance and the support that they need (and the new logic they need to apply to self talk and behavior). Thank you for validating the experience of being abused and for validating the complexity of healing from such a toxic relationship that has become part of your mind and personality, not just space in your heart or years of your life.

[@jennifervanhook4924]

I've found peace in giving over the judgment for the narc abusers in my life to my Higher Power. I can't quite forgive them. Frankly, they're awful people and they don't deserve it. So I relinquish it entirely. It's the only way I've found peace.

[@BemaSeatAcademy]

RT Kendall, Total Forgiveness.... incredible book. Empowering

[@user-hs9qz3dg1l]

I love your words, “relinquish it entirely.”

[@LKnaus123]

Yes! “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.”Roman’s 12:19

[@stlltx505]

Same. And I won’t be shamed by others. Some things are unforgivable. And sometimes forgiveness isn’t possible without acknowledgement, remorse, and/or changed behavior. You can move on without “forgiving.” If you want to forgive and can-that’s great, too. But our society’s shallow approach to this concept is actually more often a form of victim-blaming and enabling.

[@jaclynns.jungle]

It's been 3 years since no contact and I'm still not healed. It's better now, but idk if it will ever truly NOT hurt.

[@taurabutterfly887]

I understand this. I feel the same.

[@afterthestorm9355]

Three years for me also. The pain, for me, has moved into healthy anger. It took a loooooong time to evolve into anger. And I go to the river and throw rocks sometimes as a way to catapult that anger out of my body. I can’t do that until I fully feel it!

[@TheGreatDeep-711]

I love your wisdom Dr. Ramani and your kitty wanting to look into the camera is such a precious moment. I am 67-years old and have been recovering from many many years of narcissism after watching your presentations for the past 4-years. Ever so grateful and love reading your book "It's Not You"

[@olyabrenner3590]

I’m so ready to just be free to breathe without having someone standing over you nonstop

[@andreafox9137]

You can do it. We can do it.

[@olyabrenner3590]

@@andreafox9137 thank you 🙏 one day it will happen soon

[@andreafox9137]

@@olyabrenner3590 be good to yourself. You don't deserve what you have been through. Sending much love.

[@olyabrenner3590]

@@andreafox9137 you are so awesome 💖❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹same to you 🙏 no one deserves this no one with a heart

[@olyabrenner3590]

@@andreafox9137 you’re so awesome I pray 🙏 for you too

[@maytheforcebewithyou4313]

Yep! To everything you said!

[@etherealdeal1792]

It’s been 5.5 weeks since the discard and I’m still crying. I can’t take it and was worried I was taking to long to heal. Thank u dr Ramani

[@detjaggillar8081]

It's NOT a Quick Fix - sorry to tell You that BUT You have started a New path and New Journey which is more healthy than beeing with a toxic narcissist 🙏 Take one step - and ond step etc. You are in good comoany if You listen to DR Ramani and trying to move forward 🤗🌹💞

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

Healing takes time and work so put in the work on yourself, you are worth it ❤️✨️🙏🙌

[@brigitte2217]

I'm crying like crazy since a year. It's a daily surviving challenge 😭much love from Germany ❤

[@TheMmiguelito]

You take the time you need, and we support you!! 🫂💞🫂💞 you did nothing wrong, these people are sick and demonic!

[@lesabrydson2526]

Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙌👑😇🙏My sympathic Nervous System still recovering, 20 years dumped/discarded. Knowledge of narcissistic abuse in 2023 from Dr. Ramani 🙏🙏🙏

[@istj66360]

I love Dr. Ramani here. She puts out a lot of good info and advice. I do gotta say one thing. Time is our most valuable asset and it's more valuable than money. This is why. Money can be replaced, returned and refunded. Our time can't though. Once we spend it, it's gone forever. We can't get that back. Narcs feel entitled to our time when we're too tired or fed up with shit to wanna give it. So don't give it and cut off their narc supply. It will make them get bored and wanna leave. Whether you want them to leave or not, your lives and your children's lives will be better off without them.

[@MillieBarnes]

I so appreciate your podcasts. They have helped me tremendously in the last few years and has helped me understand my responses and the last thing effects of what I've been through. Thank you.

[@mariaolson251]

It’s over ❤ all the madness clears like a fog 🌫️ one day at a time Stick with it - your sanity is worth it ! Can’t see it until you walk thru it ❤

[@kerrinbadham9599]

Thank you for validating that forgiving someone who has hurt your family is almost impossible as they don't face any consequences. And we live with the wounds.

[@JONNIE-u5u]

Dr. Ramini, I’ve recommended your channel to so many people. Including recommendations to my attorneys and former therapists. If you hire an attorney for a divorce tie your attorney to chair and make them watch your channel. It is unprofessional not to know who you are representing and who is the other person. My attorneys didn’t do that. I think these shows didn’t go to therapists but to attorneys, police, judges. Education on this is the best weapon against it.

[@brendalindsey5425]

Oh, yes. I wish we could make it a law that those professional people you mentioned have to study and pass tests about narcissism, showing they really understand it.

[@janinekristiannosabel3499]

You helped me dodge a Narcissistic person. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[@maryellengodfrey]

I’m loving that Cat! How much it obviously loves and gets dr Ramini.

[@nicolehayes6020]

Thank you Dr Ramani! I so much appreciate your help and support as I’m trying to navigate thru this difficult time and healing process ❤️✌️🙏💯🌹

[@Terryd218]

Thank you for your videos. I have and continue to be helped immensely by them. I would like to say that I believe forgiveness is not saying what they did is okay, it is not letting them back into your life or your good graces. It is not protecting them from natural consequences. Forgiveness is for you to be free from holding that pain inside. It is for you to be able to heal. Thanks for listening

[@youngblood8540]

The people who are too nice, care and love too much are the ones who usually end up alone. I'm sure singing was originally created from narcissistic abuse. It's kinda ironic how something so beautiful came out of something so evil.

[@emineyalcn9514]

❤

[@tracyking5945]

@@emineyalcn9514 I have a weakness of projecting better intentions onto people than they deserve. Narcissists especially get emboldened from giving them the benefit of doubt.

[@lindagayler6787]

Great comment: Singing as result of Narcissistic Abuse. David wrote the Psalms because he was being persecuted by Saul. If you want comfort~ READ the Psalms, it's very eye opening as it shows how God really understands us and protects His children. There is great Healing in His Word.🙏🙏🙏❤

[@user-hs9qz3dg1l]

@@lindagayler6787Amazing Grace…

[@youngblood8540]

​@@lindagayler6787 Thanks 👍

[@suzyhomeacre]

Not only are you “hip,” you’re wildly intelligent, completely approachable, & are improving millions of lives. I’d say that’s pretty dang cool. 🫶🏻

[@AlonzoJohnson-l4m]

❤

[@jodycasey6936]

I am here every morning these days, she is all those things and more. She is so beautiful, most mornings she takes my breath away. Thanks for your comment, it’s 🔥

[@bekind7288]

Yep, I asked him to move back in after 18 months apart. 5 years later I filed for divorce...3 months after getting married thinking maybe he felt I was not committed, and feeling guilty because I knew better than to live with a man outside of marriage. It's been 2 years since then. I bought him out of the house, our son lives with me and I thank God he sees his dad's behavior. I let him decide when and if he went to stay at his dad's. Ultimately, the horrible behavior put a wedge between them. So sad, but so happy my now teenage son could discern the truth. Praise God.

[@shericoleman7756]

Took me 40 years and 6 kids 8 grands to tell him to leave - I am so grateful for learning all this Dr! I can reflect what I have learned to my family now and hopefully draw much needed attention to exactly what it is- narcissitic abuse. Thank you many times❤️

[@claudinezeller3285]

This was probably one of the most helpful videos I’ve watched. I ended my relationship about 2 1/2 months ago and it’s been a struggle. I am no contact but the thoughts running through my mind don’t stop. I am working on healing and I’m starting to feel a little bit lighter. I look forward to bettering myself and moving as far away from this as I can

[@donnadumare]

Be kind and gentle to your Self. Forgive yourself thoroughly❤

[@lynnperry-smith3477]

I am so grateful for you. Thank you for your dedication to providing education and compassion to those affected by toxic and dysfunctional relationships. Infinite blessings and gratitude!

[@tonycaligagan3956]

Dr. RAMANI, Thankyou! You have been my guiding light in navigating and exiting an abusive relationship. 2 years ago I was not only stuck but felt like I had lost my identity. Thankyou for sharing your gifts,insights, wisdom and Love. I am forever grateful to you!!!

[@edwardmontinola2311]

They could get away but. Karma will get them one way or another.

[@sharicoburn5475]

Their own lack of inner peace and love never changes. No karma needed

[@mickeyblue7]

Yes that's true

[@_iam1533]

There is no karma in real life. Lol

[@brandonhealy7158]

@@_iam1533 well then let’s see if they get into heaven.

[@nonasamidon8494]

Your wisdom is this topic is out of this world. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all that you are sharing. Truly life changing.

[@NawalTawfik-yr5cz]

Thanks

[@MusicsInMySoul_7]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I'm learning how to handle my emotions/feelings , heal & as you said, reprogramming myself. You're videos are so very helpful ❤🎉

[@cynthiave5221]

I totally understand what you just said. I live with those 20 questions and yelling daily. I took control by beating him and calling myself names (as I know all of them by heart basically.) At the end I asked, "Did I forget any?" Tried it for the 1st time this week and stole his CONTROL for the moment. WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELING.🎉🎉😂 I can only do this as I have been getting stronger listening to Dr Ramoni's videos. SHE HAS SAVED MY MIND AND SPIRIT. I AM MAKING PLANS TO LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP BUT CANNOT UNTIL OUR 6 SENIOR DOGS GET THEIR WINGS. FOR ME, YOU KEEP A PET UNTIL IT'S LAST BREATH. like any good Mama, we do what we have to do for kids and pets. PERIOD.👍😊💪🏼

[@MusicsInMySoul_7]

@@cynthiave5221 thank you. I edited my comment because I wasn't sure if it really pertained to this particular video. ( as I write that it's another realization that I have much healing to do regarding second guessing myself )

[@Lewellah]

Dr Ramani, you arrived in perfect time. I’ve listened to your podcasts and have listened deeply. Thank you very much for this work.

[@daianaantonio8778]

Grief someone that is alive is harder.

[@withloveandrespectalways]

So true

[@lolxd9396]

I love you Dr. Ramani. You are a true Angel with a good heart! 🙏☺

[@well_weathered]

Edging closer to therapy and a transformation. To need someone else to validate what you've known deep down magnifies self doubt.

[@jgbooboo]

Yes. I echo that advice. It is appropriately comparable to the return of a prisoner of war needing deep deprogramming. I think there is a word to describe what I’m saying… but just to emphasize that it IS like a super virus that has infiltrated every cell in your brain AND the cells in your body. Their voice is embedded in every cell of your existence. It takes a long time Just dedicated (professionally and/or systematically) to finding, recognizing, and separating their voice from your own.

[@noormohamed2991]

Very eloquently explained!🙏 As always very grateful for your insight. You have captured the emotional struggles very accurately ❤ X

[@NIASUN1480]

On the forgiveness aspect of this, sometimes you forgiving the perpetrator, can be a betrayal to oneself. It's just another aspect of you making the needs of the narcissist more important than your own.

[@mamame5519]

So many people don't understand what forgiveness is.😢

[@brandonhealy7158]

I agree. How can anyone forgive a narcissist when they have abused you, especially if it’s a lifetime of abuse. I get “forgiving” them because they didn’t know any better, but it’s their problem not ours for doing the abusing. We are victims and shouldn’t have to keep putting up with it anymore, especially when you keep telling the narc how their behaviour is affecting you, how they can be a better person, and if they ignore that then just run for the hills.

[@NIASUN1480]

@mamame5519 I understand that forgiveness is for myself. However, after decades of abuse, not forgiving is also for myself and as equally important. Religion has kind of messed us up in certain ways. Forgiving, turning the other cheek, is what has kept many of us stuck in these nightmare relationships. It's time for me to choose myself!

[@kondetichandini8966]

It's a relief to decipher all the confusion and mess is nothing but, Narcissism... Your efforts n channel are a bliss to millions of victims out there... Thankyou! so much Dr.Ramani

[@jillconyers2710]

I don't no what I would do without your help!thank you for helping me make some sense of it all.❤

[@livbz3834]

Thank you so much for this video!! One of the best to describe the craziness and despair narcissistic relationships can put one through. The video is also helpful for explaining to people not understanding the stakes of such relationships 🙏

[@rudymax08]

I am grateful. The blessing is in the lesson. Yes to the former fear of not trying everything ( to get through to him)

[@MsAshleyJ83]

I’m still trying to get out. It’s been so hard😢

[@MandaStarrynight]

It took a year and a half to start feeling again. Your videos saved my life, thank you ☺️ I’m now trying to fix my coping mechanisms that were also toxic. Thank you so much.

[@mday3821]

Dr. Ramani, I just love when your cat makes a appearance.😻❤️

[@jessicarobinson4563]

Took me 2 years to get out of psychological warfare. I’m still not there

[@joysachs9032]

It does get better.... and then, as soon as I thought I am "fine", something happens and I slide all the way down again, into that pile of horse manure. And pick myself up Again, and move forward Again... Learning to love myself through it all. Hope you can too.

[@jessicarobinson4563]

@@joysachs9032 god bless you. Same ! Just when I thought I had it , whoop backslide . Sending you love

[@YalNB]

¡Logras describir TAN, pero TAN bien lo que ocurre tras el escape del narcisista! Gracias miles.

[@LolaClo]

My narc passed away this year from cancer. I took care of him from beginning to end and did more for him than his own parents. At the funeral, I overheard he badmouthed me and our home horribly to his parents, friends and co-workers telling them he would divorce me as soon as he got better… His father was even trying to set him up with someone while we were in the hospital waiting room to meet with the oncologist! It’s been a strange grief period. I mourn what I thought I had yet it meant nothing to him. If I could give advice to anyone in a narcissistic relationship, I would tell them to get out asap. Even when facing death, their grandiosity, lack of empathy, selfishness, and devaluation were present. It’s totally not worth it to stay with them. There is no FOMO. Only years wasted.

[@ADHJkvsNgsMBbTQe]

Forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. It’s part of healing. But it is not about forgetting; we live and learn and hopefully profit from the experience. Nor is forgiveness about absolution; the narcissist still deserves consequences. But we don’t need to let them live rent free in our hearts and minds forever. Respectfully submitted.

[@mariskapetrovic5223]

Hello Doctor Ramani, this video is really helpful and make me see things more clear. Thank you very much for sharing. ❤

[@PhD1986]

This is so me. Thanks again, Dr. Ramani. I ran across a song in an old piano book - Never Smile at a Crocodile. I've been smiling at them most of my life and I hope I remember these lyrics every day in the future.

[@dyanberg6263]

I once told my X that I needed his level of evil to push me in therapy . I’ve discovered so much positive things about myself. I’ve healed and kept my kids mentally healthy even through 15 years of parental alienation .

[@Vivomuerta]

I really needed to hear this video, thank you for your light.

[@gabby7455]

Love your cat, and you even more 🙂 Thanks for sharing your knowledge, it helps a lot ❤️