What is "hoovering"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@starboy2013]

They don't change. They don't change. No really they don't change.

[@kathrynsmith3417]

And again the narcissist manipulates knowing how to suck the very life out of people.

[@maggiemay8622]

I have that reminder on my fridge👍🏼😊

[@starboy2013]

@@maggiemay8622 I ran a 30 year experiment to learn that.People are just made of something and that does not change.

[@traciej.6301]

@@starboy2013 Ten years for me. and not everyone is capable of this shit. narcs are pathological...very VERY SICK. congrats on ur freedom.

[@orangeforever3341]

Isaiah 41:11 & 12 "LOOK! All those getting enraged against you will be put to shame and humiliated. Those who fight against you will be brought to nothing and perish. You will search for men who struggle with you, but you will not find them; the men at war with you will become as nothing at all." For you there is hope: John 17:3 "This means everlasting life, their coming to know you, the only true God, and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ."

[@morphling337]

Giving a narc constructive feedback on how to improve themselves amounts to helping them refine their manipulation game by helping them see where the con is failing.

[@YZFMANIAC08]

Michael Ptasnik smart man, I always use stonewalling, everything else is lost energy

[@morphling337]

@Jessica Smith It's not like socioopathy. They don't just wake up a narcissist one day. They make 10,000 small choices leading in that direction, choosing to be what they become. So no. They don't want to change. They chose to be what they are.

[@monicarai1497]

Oh tell me about it.

[@tired7391]

Yup

[@evonne315]

Your right. I would use the term 'golden key' telling him this is how I want to be treated. I am giving you the golden key, I would say. And then (after the argument was over) he may do or say one of those things, but wanting so much praise and recognition for doing it it was ridiculous. Then if I failed to praise appropriately, he would use that as evidence 'He cant do anything right' and 'nothing makes you happy'. Total mindfuck.

[@paris8780]

I wish narcissism was diagnosed and treated with medications! It’s a real issue, ruining lives everywhere.

[@godspurple4805]

Paris 87 me too. I wished it was a crime where they went to jail. They’re THAT destructive.

[@carlogambino1979]

Yeah, treat them with cyanide.

[@abbyrivers9971]

Nope.. no meds available to cure for Being a abusive jerk.....

[@abbyrivers9971]

@@carlogambino1979 yeah..... The revenge fantasy people Being of have been Raised by, born into of had relations with narcissist

[@bradblackwell948]

A narcissist agreeing to treatment? Ha!

[@sudhas_world]

You've no idea how many people you're helping. God bless you.

[@perfectwunn]

Im one of them..

[@MJ-eb6fk]

I Agree. She is so good at explaining everything

[@crestonediamond]

I'm 62 and so wish I had this info back when I was 16, how very different my life would have been.

[@jillphirangee9486]

Im sorry you lost that time... Im now reeling back from the lost of 20yrs...i to wish i new this 15 yrs ago

[@karifoto]

Joe Lin No doubt. At least we know now.

[@SoWa613]

Me too! Narcissim should be learned about in High School.

[@realhealing7802]

I feel the same way. I wouldn't have wasted my precious time!

[@joseenoel8093]

Better late than never, some poor people out there still wondering wtf? Can just imagine in the 3rd world where kids get shot at for going to school and if you're a girl that's still just a dream!

[@nataliaalfonso2662]

Every narcissist that would watch this would see themselves as the victim.

[@BooDotBoo]

Would they even be watching this, though? From what I see, when narcs are confronted with things they do, but want to deny they do, they tend to just block it out. Like, they get mad or offended by seeing someone talking about their behavior being bad or wrong. I don't feel like they'd even make it through a fourth of this video without raging and closing the video and thinking that everyone is too sensitive or stupid, lol.

[@nataliaalfonso2662]

BooDotBoo they would definitely watch this video. They’d also get doctorates in psychology and psychiatry. They DEFINITELY are in the comments sections in ALL of Doctor Ramani’s videos. I find it supremely disturbing. A lot of people that conflate conflict with abuse. While I’m in no way undermining the effects of emotional abuse, I have a narc ex friend, with an admittedly terrible narcissist mom, who doesn’t seem to realize how much of her mother’s personality she picked up. She is someone that will say “omg yeah I broke a promise/lied/raged at you... BUT ITS BECASUSE OF THE ABUSE.” If I then say, “ok you were emotionally abused, but some of us have had bones broken and been lit on fire and raped by our abusers, and were not allowed to mistreat people either.” “OH MY GOD JUST BECAUSE BAD THINGS HAPPENED TO YOU DIESNT MEAN MINE ARENT AS BAD.” Then if I say “are these not narcissistic or borderline traits? Thinking your admittedly bad but common traumas that happened years ago are as bad of as important as physical violence and rape and imminent danger some of us are CURRENTLY IN?” “Oh my god you’re GASLIGHTING ME.” I’m sadly finding that the more we learn about the mind the more of an ouroboros it is. If the information is there for US, it’s their first EVERYBODY. But you are correct in recognizing a VERY coming type of narc behavior . I can imagine exactly several people I’ve known in life who would act exactly as you’re describing. But ironically, those are the slightly more self-aware narcs. They know what they are. That’s why whenever they’re confronted with anything resembling them they wig out. The completely self unaware ones truly genuinely from the bottom of their souls believe they are the victims. Always.

[@isaacsanders9203]

That was funny!!! Stay safe. Cheers

[@2010cmarie]

So true...

[@emilymitchell7309]

100%

[@DkMaisa]

My ex had me so starved of love and attention. He could ignore me for several days and just casually come back with "hey", and BAM I would be sucked back in, so desperate to be close to him again. These cycles were so humiliating, eating away my self esteem bit by bit. But no more. I'm done falling for it.

[@westernalliance796]

Yup, that's not a healthy relationship at all. Glad you got out

[@MrsOctober-kc5de]

Amen

[@lindawarrington902]

That’s exactly my life! We are splitting as soon as I get my place back!

[@pyarkaaloo]

Kick his ass to the curb 🙌🏼💯

[@patticake3904]

Mine was all you said, and sexually humiliating too. I knew very little about sex and good relationships in my younger years. I remember telling a therapist once that he bragged about being able to go without sex for weeks and how weak I was for not being able to go a couple days. I would feel so much shame for desiring him. I was in my twenties at the time. The therapist asked, "Who wants to go without sex for weeks? That's nuts!" And what he said woke me up to the fact that something was very wrong and it wasn't my doing. My part was to take in the deflection like a good garbage can. My hope is to learn about all the anger I've heaped upon myself. It has taken a toll in terms of toxicity.

[@phoenixrising8007]

There is NO hope with a narcissist.

[@jsf8145]

On the contrary, follow & hope in Jesus (John 16:33 & Isaiah 53)

[@birdiebee5977]

Enlightening: "The child part of you always gave your parents a second chance..."

[@AndroidSpirit]

Birdie Bee too true. How much time have I wasted giving my abusive parents priority over my needs? Too many to admit.

[@birdiebee5977]

@@AndroidSpirit You don't deserve abuse from anyone. I went no contact with family members and it's the best decision I ever made. I feel like I am finally living a normal healthy life. Everyone deserves this. Wishing you love and blessings!

[@pegasus5148]

@@AndroidSpirit me too! Went no contact!

[@AndroidSpirit]

Pegasus 514 I think I’m about to do just that. It’s just the associated guilt for shutting them out consumes me and leads me straight to that dark hopeless place.

[@1squeamishneophyte]

Yeah, I found it very difficult to give up on my parents. And also give up on codependent, abusive relationship trauma reenactments of those dysfunctional parental dynamics. It's not merely accepting that a certain person who was (and I cringe to say it) integral to your life and the role you perceive in it is gone and is never coming back, but that they never really existed at all. I find it frightening to wonder whether or not I could ever truly accept that on the deepest level, and hope that I can, because it means accepting that my parents did not love me. These things create a 'crisis of meaning' in your life, in the same way quitting various addictions does.

[@Itsunclegabby]

He texted me last night. Suddenly he's worried about me. *eyeroll*

[@beedabee1221]

Miss G block him. Stay narc free ❤️

[@dlwsport250]

I love your delivery of this comment. 😊

[@manarmanar942]

Same here.i just want to stay away but he still comes home after we have been separated for several months and now he uses the kids as a way to come back and houvers me.im scared

[@RM-ln9xq]

@@manarmanar942 I'm going through the same. They do not respect boundaries. It's enough to give you PTSD, isn't it? I cringe when I see him trying to do this, bc I know it's going to be a big battle when he sees his efforts are being rejected. I understand why you're scared. I feel that way too.

[@melisaboughey7515]

😂😂

[@alyshasarah]

This women is my saviour. Everytime my abusive ex “hoovers” and tries to beg for me to come back and swears they’ve changed and I start to believe it I just watch these videos and it snaps me out of it. Thankyou so much

[@kathyford4377]

Thank you so much for all your wisdom. It has helped me so much. My one sister out of 4 is a narcissist and an undiagnosed alcoholic . She drinks and texts all night long crazy stuff I wish I could help but I know I can't anymore. The hoovering has begun... Could you talk more about alcohol mixed with a narcissist? Thanks again.

[@msc-wn5og]

These videos are my go to. When I feel that I am getting ready to fire back with a long text, the back and forth about our kids I also watch the videos and Dr. Ramani reminds me why he is MY EX. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@realhet]

@@kathyford4377 In my experiments alcohol has 2 narcissistic effects: 1. Allows the user to be able to receive narcissism when he/she normally would got disgusted of it. 2. Makes the user produce more narcissism. 1. Is actually helping the escape from a narcissistic family system: I was actually became able to connect other people than my parents would let me. People, my parents have no control over. 2. This is a side effect and after 30 years I realized I will not stand this anymore. After all not the massive hungover was the problem for me, it was narcissism. It doesn't matter that the narcissism comes from outsite or it goes outward from me. I got to throw up when it happens. After I understood this it was easy to stop using alcohol. I made my escape already by using it as self medication, it has no use from now as now I have free will. "She drinks and texts all night long crazy stuff" It's easy: Block the communication. No words can help. It's not about sending and receiving information, it's all about getting affection (which is narcissistic supply). You can only get into her trust, by getting drunk with her, by enabling the abuse, by abusing yourself too. Also if that you can't do anything makes you frustrated, remember this: You have no right to change other people's behavior, but you have full right to change your own.

[@Kikitrutu]

“Hoovering can be part of their need to win!” Dr. Ramani, you’re amazing!

[@khankhalifa8555]

You’re one of the very few people I have encountered in life that gives off a very safe and secure vibe. It’s elegant and rare. And of course your content is as usual very helpful and hits the bullseye.

[@f.g.4904]

Couldn't have said that better myself! I love her voice too, it's very soothing. I can listen to her for hours.

[@BlakeandMarjie]

She is beautiful and admirable. An ideal woman. I guarantee she's married and happy.

[@gallevran]

So TOTALLY RIGHT!!!

[@EphemeralProductions]

@@BlakeandMarjie she is. :)

[@LyndaHill]

Truly excellent material. I so appreciate her authenticity.

[@sterlinart]

Being in a narcissistic relationship with a roommate has expunged so much growth from within me. As an empath I've learned that it is a number 1 priority to protect myself from toxic energies

[@omelette_Doo]

I’ve been stuck in quarantine with my roommate. It’s been exhausting, but I’ve gotten much better about knowing when I feel guilty based on my own ethics/principles and when someone is manipulating me into guilt.

[@GreenEnvy.]

The moment that lease ends, bail. I had the same situation. Don't let them con you into living together again.

[@jashamv]

Exactly...

[@LoveGod1987]

Yes!!! I’m doing my best to removed myself and I’m being told to stay. For whose benefits ? Certainly not for me!

[@ajmosutra7667]

Me too

[@thepepper191]

My narc hoovered me today, 9 months after they ghosted/ discarded me. Remembering the trauma they put me through, the gaslighting, the invalidation, the months of therapy I needed and the hours of Dr Ramani content I have watched… I ignored them and it felt great. Felt really empowering actually. Incredibly satisfying to maintain no contact on my terms. 10/10 would recommend 👍

[@lelediamondASMR]

I was hoovered tonight but after so long I've finally realised not to get sucked in. 💪

[@nikkirose4124]

I am being hoovered now and trying to to fall for it

[@MariannKnudsen]

yay for you

[@sharon4639]

imagine being cooped up in quarantine with a narc family member? My heart goes out to you if that’s the case. Thank you Dr. Ramani, for being a light of logic and affirmation in these dark times. You’re beautiful inside and out, smart and intuitively seem to know what your listeners need to hear. Thank you for empowering us to stand up to narcs and leave our old identity of “victim” behind. 🙏🏽

[@theinsufferablebutthole8923]

E R every woman thinks her ex is a narc

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Buttholes think everyone’s straight 😂

[@Kpopzoom]

@E R Gays are nearly always on the Narcissistic scale - its due to insecurity about their place in society.

[@joanndavey2299]

happily he works and I don't so I get a break

[@EveningTV]

I did a video on this a couple of days ago. I think there are a lot of people dealing with all kinds of abuse in their homes right now.. In Mexico, where I live there are a lot of people who literally work to eat and here there is no government check coming, there is no unemployment or welfare, so people are scared and fear brings out the worst in human behavior. Alcohol abuse and domestic violence has skyrocketed.

[@lucasbrusseau6999]

This Woman is a gift to us all for understanding others and our self on the deepest level.

[@wednesdayrenee_]

She 100% is. I’ve tried counseling but it wasn’t until I watched and took notes of her in depth break down of narcissism in all her vids that I finally got to a place to be free of those toxic ppl (most of them were relatives).

[@k-rock353]

I hope she knows how priceless she is.

[@Silviali_usa]

"Narcissistic bosses don't do well with having employees that work from home" - SPOT ON. I wonder how they are surviving in this pandemic... LOL

[@emilymitchell7309]

It’s like they all study from the same text book. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I hear him talk now, (we are divorced but have kids) all I hear is “I am a broken, mentally ill and very unhappy man who is incapable of being genuine and honest.” And then I just smile and wave. And thank GOD I made it out. Because I almost didn’t.

[@franceshaggitt3104]

Yes he said to me last days.....I'm broken.... please don't leave me...... Then abuse next day .... I was done done

[@rllght]

When every once in a blue moon the abusive manipulative narcissist tries to put on a repenting mask and gets back with me, I think of all the human relationships I could have had but were sabotaged and corrupted by them to manipulate me, isolate me, and make me feel the excruciating pain of being so defenseless and misunderstood. No matter what kind of act they puts on, it is absolutely not worthy of what I've lost because of them parasites and their filthy bloated egos.

[@melisaboughey7515]

🤣🤣🤣

[@marianamaram9562]

I feel the same, what a waste of time and enrgey but I also remember Im the one who let them do that. We can't blame the narc only but also ourselves . We should do a genuine work on our wounds that made us attract this kind of relationships.

[@melisaboughey7515]

I ᒪᗴT IT ᕼᗩᑭᑭᗴᑎ!

[@rllght]

@@marianamaram9562 Sorry but I beg to disagree. Having vulnerabilities that can be exploited by narcissists doesn't mean you are an accomplice in their wrong doings. Narcissists are CUNNING PREDATORS that use people around them as tools then discard them whenever as they see fit. We can take every life experience as a lesson to learn from, work on our personal shortcomings to help ourselves grow & be stronger, but blaming ourselves for being used by abusive narcissists shouldn't be a part of the self-amending process in my opinion.

[@rllght]

@@melisaboughey7515 Maybe you didn't LET it happen, but blindsided in the first place?

[@asja2793]

This happened to me many times with one narcissist and everytime he gjost me i feel so foolish. I finally decided to let go and vanish. He will never have the chance to talk to me again. Even one word. Never. I dont want to know he exists

[@arraikcruor6407]

Ghost, come back, ghost, come back, ghost, come back....and on and on and on it goes. What you did was the best thing you could do. They are a broken record that we need to stay as far away as possible from.

[@Vixinaful]

Same here, hoovered and the ghosted. He can go fuck himself, lol!

[@philipjohnkaye8890]

No contact is the best, resist any temptations!

[@donnabarden4494]

Asja 279, I vanished too, no social media, finally changed my number, they are never going to hear my voice again, I dont want to ever be in sight of the narcissist, they are not ever going to see me, your right they now dont exist..

[@donnabarden4494]

@@arraikcruor6407 they are constantley on repeat, it wears you out.

[@shreyashichatterjee4707]

The comment section of every video of dr ramani is so fulfilling..it gives me the validation and presence which i did not get in 8yrs of a relationship with the narcissist..you are giving strength to so many people out here

[@shanwilson808]

“You almost feel like your dating again -“ Yessss!!!! Spot on !!!! They are so back and forth!

[@shanwilson808]

** When it comes to showing you love and actually listening to you ** well mine is

[@rhizrhiz8158]

I found out my narcissist ex cheated on me and lied to me over and over again. So I put boundaries and tried no contact but he keep Hoover me and told me to forget and forgive what he did to me. He asked me if I need money and what gift I want. When he found out I’m dating with someone else he proposed to the woman he’s dating and he was married 3 months later. The last time I spoke to him he was engaged I told him I’m very happy for him. Before I end out conversation he said he still love me. I’m not stupid to believe all he’s lies. I woke up from a nightmare living with him is HELL. Thank you doc Ramani I keep watching your videos and it helps me to overcome my depression. Keep safe ♥️

[@TheRealJohnHooper]

When he was already married to the other women and you had a new partner.. At what opportunity did you talk to him? How did this happen..

[@rhizrhiz8158]

I left my dog to his house (he bought it for me) He emailed me that my dog drowned in the pool. I blocked him in all social media’s that’s why all he can do is to email me. He tried to hoover me even he’s engaged he told me he will buy another dog once I get back to his house. I know I’m stupid I contacted him, im so sad when he said my dog died. I feel he killed my dog just to get a chance to talk to him. I discarded him I have no idea he is narcissist. His ex wife told me he is narcissist, she went to counseling after they got divorced. She told me living with him is a Hell, and I agreed with that.

[@TheRealJohnHooper]

@@rhizrhiz8158 Of course he killed the dog..

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

John Hooper, so helpful

[@charliethechaste]

@@rhizrhiz8158 Good luck healing, that's a lot of evil.

[@kmenza2592]

1:Honeymoon (Hoovering) 2:Tension (Red Flags) 3: Abuse 1: Honeymoon Hoovering 2: Tension...📍Take your time & guard your heart. Think logically. Pray. Stick close to The Lord. Love with Wisdom. ...easier said than done!

[@beedabee1221]

Silvergirl Amen amen!

[@Rabbitunderground]

Discard.

[@joseenoel8093]

No ring, no dress, honeymoon 1 night stay as we eloped, anyone getting into marriage thinking it's gonna be a bed of roses should never have left the cave! We're gonna be doing our 25th, I'll be sure to do my usual public "Don't know if we're gonna make it....." But first Mother's Day, oh my!

[@hanspierrecapuchino7002]

Yeah that's true indeed. Whenever my ex part did something to me, he always gives me a treat... You know what I mean ... Short time pleasure and then the history repeat itself.... Abusing your mind soul and heart

[@britt6880]

I saw my brother perform this cycle to his wife in just a matter of hours. That's all it took for me to go no contact

[@staciehulm4595]

You have to understand and accept 110% that there’s nothing on the other side. The “person” you think you love is just the idealized version of yourself that the narcissist mirrored to you. They might be cute, smart and talented, but if you take that, you also have to take the abuse. Your love is sucked into a vacuum with the narcissist where it sits with all the other broken parts of yourself that the narcissist sets out to destroy: your self worth, your unique character traits, your joy. All of this stagnates and festers, trapped in their matrix. Your love does nothing but fuel the narcissist’s contempt for you. This is part of their mental illness. It’s tragic, but you can’t fix it. It’s your narcissism which makes you think you can fix it. You keep yourself open to the Hoover because you believe that there was ever something real there; there wasn’t. Fairy tales aren’t real. True love is steady and reliable, not a roller coaster of emotions. If you open your hand to examine what you’ve been gripping onto so tightly with your narcissistic relationship, you’ll see that your hand is empty and always was. You know better. If you fall for the Hoover, you have no one to blame but yourself for the abuse you will inevitably suffer at the hands of the narcissist. I write this as much for myself as I do for you. Get out and stay out.

[@harmonyvanscott3634]

🎯💯❤️

[@randomcommenterphd893]

I felt so disrespected, unvalued, and useless when with her. It's now ended after 5 years. I'm trying to recover as best as I can.

[@dopeblacktherapist]

My narcissistic ex just reached out to me after 3 months. He was the one that rage quit our relationship (for the 3rd time). This time I finally broke the trauma bond and I have no desire to get sucked back in. Coming back to your videos when I need reinforcement means so much. Thank you!!

[@Chuleta_9]

Hope is one of the greatest lies we tell ourselves.

[@sarahjohnson8514]

Hoovering = Stalking

[@jfdc8432]

Stalking could be one aspect of it, but It's actually broader than that. If it were just that, it would simply be called "stalking". But there are additional manipulations and subtleties, saying everything you always needed to hear, telling you they've changed, telling you you were right, pulling on your heart strings, etc. Listen to the video and you'll get that stalking may be one aspect, but there's more to it. But I do get what you're saying in that with a stalker, you say 'stop' and they don't honor your boundaries either.

[@sarahjohnson8514]

Sphynx Nay to worry. Unfortunately I am well versed.

[@jfdc8432]

@Tewdy Quew I'm sorry you had to go through this. I've had my share of narc relationships, too, so I understand. Please know I'm agreeing with you - I'm not saying hoovering is not stalking, I'm saying it's stalking plus more - as you mentioned, the guilt hoovering. To the way I look at it, and I could be wrong, it's stalking to the absolute MAX and even WORSE. I'm glad Dr Ramani discussed the guilt hoovering, also. She's so helpful!

[@nataliaalfonso2662]

No it isn't. Please don't be irresponsible with word choices. Someone just texting you is not stalking you. People have survived actual stalking. Don't belittle that by comparing it to hoovering. Hoovering is them openly trying to get back into your life by talking to you. A stalker stalks you! Please don't spread misinformation.

[@kikib7310]

I agree hoovering can also be a form of stalking! I've been away from the nex for over 2 yrs now not one peep! I don't react nor respond! I ignore him, I act as if he doesn't exist! He hoovers by phone calls I don't answer anymore , knocks on my door I don't open it stupid text messages, via proxy 3rd party circling my street, visiting my neighbor who he couldn't stand when he lived here,asking my neighbor do I have a boyfriend do guys be coming to house, he still loves me blah, blah blah & just today I was outside cleaning out my truck he pulls up in front of my door stops & just stares, I kept doin what I was doing he looked so defeated! Hoovering doesn't have to them blatantly trying to pull you back in with words I also look @ actions something I should have done all along I wouldn't have stayed so long! Hoovering can be a form of stalking especially when you haven't uttered a word in over 2 yrs whatever you wanna call it stalking/hoovering he gon keep catching these narc injuries#NO CONTACT 4 LIFE

[@JudyLBeres]

So sad we can’t be well adjusted people and just love one another. 😢

[@beautifulnise]

Honestly how I feel! So sad for us empaths but hang in there ❤️.

[@altruistuscheregentonne1398]

God how much I relate to this comment

[@PinkJoy143]

This is bone chilling. I went to school for Psychology/Social Work and worked in the field how did I miss all of this? It’s unbelievable how accurate these lessons are. Literally taken back to every moment that I allowed this individual(s) to break me down. I’m heartbroken and disappointed yet relieved, validated, and vindicated.

[@kaiyaroma]

An ex narc friend came back with the “you were right I was wrong” “I hope YOU realize I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I always admired you” “your vibe is so special” . All it took was for me to read the last convo we had (in which she told me it takes someone “special” to be her friend lmao) and I could see through all of that hoopla. I feel so empowered! Thank you Doc 🙏🏽✨

[@timothywebster4288]

I lost a friend who kept ghosting me and denying everything they said and deflected it on me. So frustrating !!

[@mikasablackerman6776]

This same exact thing happened to me

[@M_butterfly788.-tf8bd]

Ew. “It takes someone special to be my friend.” EW!

[@laurynrose1111]

It's such a strange thing to be faced with . To love someone that you have to say no to Because you kno it's the same shit different day

[@robertelizondo4499]

Gah you like slapped my souls right now 😩

[@janetadams1339]

Perfectly put and completely accurate

[@Vixinaful]

Shit, I was just hoovered back in last week with "poor me" and here comes this video. DAMN, almost bought it but now I know what to do. Super thanks!

[@moon_bones]

Lol my narcissist ex messaged me when I finally started traveling the world with the claim he was dying. Block and delete ✌️

[@beautyafter305]

hahah how terrible he would say that to try and reel you in

[@starboy2013]

Good move.

[@Joanna7428]

I experienced a few Hoover's with my ex until finally I saw the wood from the trees, and when the next few Hoover's occurred I was ready to not react, you can't react either positively or negatively - to me the ONLY reply is no reply. These people talk the talk they don't walk the walk, it's all words gestures emotional blackmail, there is zero substance behind it. And when you finally realise that, it is over. No contact. Period.

[@anniecarbonneau1634]

My hoovering mother tried to get me back in by saying that I would regret pushing her out of my life. Didn't work.

[@BooDotBoo]

Being afraid of being alone is the worst thing possible when it comes to any abusive relationship. If you're too afraid to let go and be alone, the abuser always has you right where they want you. They don't even have to do much to keep you around, they just have to stay with you, possibly threatening you with leaving from time to time, just in case you ever even think about wanting better treatment.

[@thegemscorner2821]

I have been the scape goat for so long and this pandemic did give opportunity for my mother to reach out and then scold me through voicemail for not 'checking in' with her after I told her that I feel no connection to her. I have emancipated myself from my family and I have been so happy, free, and relieved of anxiety. I get to know me more everyday. what's tougher is the sibling involvement through the narcissistic mother. I think have to let that one go too. theyre very young. but the more I know the better I can respond to hovering, triangling, and gaslighting and hold my boundaries firm.

[@LA-cm9uo]

What's triangling?

[@FrancesShear]

Flying monkeys can sometimes start hoovering when they fear being exposed long after the narcissistic relationship ended that they got drawn into too.

[@norapeace6526]

Frances Bernard yep... my narc ex who’s a vulnerable narc tries to talk to my mom... so does his mom. Maybe they feel like that’s their way back in

[@clevernamehere]

This is crazy timing!!! I literally had a HUGE fight last night and locked him out of my house! So the hoovering is surely about to begin!!! And you just brought to light all the other times this has happened! The amount of confusion this relationship has put on me is astounding! And when you said hope...good lord did I know exactly what you meant...thanks so much!

[@shaniecegullison]

Same!!! Crazy

[@sararay4268]

Someone once said, and I never forgot: "Honey, you think he's got po-ten-tial? All that means is 'It ain't happening now.'"

[@Light-jc3fj]

They play the angel while ghosting, reframing, minimising etc...then throw a crumb....never settle for not being respected, let alone heard. We need validation more than anything and they will do nothing but continually invalidate you, abuse you and send you backwards even more. Don't do it....if you've spent a lifetime trying to 'get through'...and still can't...you NEVER, EVER will. Don't let them manipulate you into guilt while they expertly play the good guy. It's such a mental head f*** .... don't fall for it EVER AGAIN.

[@cliffp.8396]

"Put aside the fantasy's", the best advice yet. This Glossary is an excellent video series concept by the way and thank you for what you do.

[@donedennison9237]

Mom sucked me back in after 10 years of no contact by asking if my genetic condition related to her health issues. We had a relationship for 5 years, then her narcissism got too much and I went no contact again. One of my sisters I didn't realize was a narcissist until after I was out of contact with her too, messaged me about HER health. I was self aware enough to not be fooled by the second attempt. I feel/felt so heartless in some of this. How sad that those boy who cried wolf created so much tension among family. I'm so glad I had a dad who was a decent human.

[@achach5055]

I disclosed abuse to my sister and she went and gossiped it to her daughter. Next minute, her, my brother and the abuser are online joking about it. Same pattern from my mother, my sister, and now her daughter Oh, but they talk sweet as pie... But will stab you in the back the moment you not around I decided no contact with all family. Once and for all. If they cant respect me, i dont wont nothing to do with any of them

[@donedennison9237]

@@achach5055 Hugs. Some people are so good at gaslighting we could use them as an energy source! I hope you can find family of affiliation. I've always had better luck with that. If you can handle it, look up resilience score and see if you can find/create adapted mental monologue patterns. I believe having a decent dad and childhood friends helped me through.

[@LuxMeow]

That's interesting because I messaged my half brother and his mother about my health lol! Though that's because I never met my father and I thought they could give me some genetic info on his line and also I was genuinely ill with an unknown auto-immune. I tried yrs later again for my child's sake but they ignored me. :S Sad because they never met or got to know me at all and probably just judged me on my Facebook and at the time I made that account was very young. Your comment made me wonder if that's what they thought of me. lol

[@donedennison9237]

@@LuxMeow Hugs. I sometimes can trace motives and plans for folks, sometimes it's all.. nerve.. reaction.. with less.. thought process. As a child, I lived for a time with a lady with a clear mental illness. 50 years later and most of her motivation remains unclear. I use a lot of serenity to get me through. Accept what I can, change what I can and dig deep for the wisdom to know the difference.

[@kevinmills9805]

It's like she is speaking my entire story. This is so validating.

[@ellenvanderveen6576]

I hope you are doing well man, you deserve love and respect 💜 take care

[@mv6771]

"before you can say 'gaslight,' BOOM!"

[@SanusSensus]

She's really funny :)

[@moneymanagement24]

Thank you Dr. Ramani. I have a narcissistic sociopathic mother. She tries to manipulate, deceives, and uses me like a pond. She wants to move in with her because she's trying to use me for money. She also backstabs and throws me under the bus and she tells people lies. She's terrible she is a sociology and theatre major. She knows how to put on an act and manipulate and deceive people. She is very Machiavellian, sociopathic, gaslights, and manipulates anyone. She uses guilt trip and she can never take criticisms, but then is harshly judgemental towards me. This channel has really help me and coping and getting help. I always thought I was the problem but then I realized what she was doing all the problems.

[@vicbaker8367]

Yes! He’s a born again Christian that finally goes to church with me every Sunday. Wants the perfect marriage, holds the car door for me, buys me a gifts. Goes to counseling with me. Then I discover he never quit certain unacceptable behaviors. Apply for divorce... all the positive behaviors stop immediately. No church, no courtesy, no change.

[@franceshaggitt3104]

How are you now ...ex said he would put God first then he switched ....three weeks back and then I got rid

[@isadoracruz3675]

Yep.....they are lethal....the covert narcissist. Guilty hoovering. Being there ,done that. Thank you so much for your work and all you share. Blessings

[@sarahford5532]

Thank you so much for this series!!!! After divorcing a narcissist 3 years ago, I never thought I would be in another narcissistic relationship! This guy started off seeming so different than my ex! I was sucked in and 6 months into it, boom the rejection started! I allowed it to go on for 2 1/2 years until a little over 2 weeks ago when I finally say fuck you and went no contact after learning he was dating multiple women besides me! So hurtful and felt like deja vu! One of these women paid $8,000 to take him on a trip to Jamaica this week! Little did i know...I still get no called ID calls and blocked VMs left many times a day. But I am firm this time and I feel so better now! Seeing a therapist cause clearly I’m a target and I do NOT want to go through this shit again! Your videos are so enlightening! Thank you!

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

Ma'am can I say I love you! Because I really do,I am so glad I have found your videos and damn I am saved from hell of a narcissist.

[@realhealing7802]

Excellent information! I have wasted so many years believing in hope. Things will never change. Narcissist don't change!

[@vtheb1299]

"I've changed so much! How can you not appreciate it?!? I see you've changed too, but for the worse. I expected more of you."

[@earthangel7386]

That was the only time I seen the narcs I now have zero contact with. And never ever confide in a narc , they will for sure use it against you.

[@eyeamme1917]

My ex just tried his first overt hoovering attempt since I filed for divorce. He's been using guilt for months saying that he's doing all these things for me and that all he wants is to take care of me and our kids. Then, a few days ago, apparently he asked our kids if I was seeing anyone (I'm not) and then, he moved into telling me he still loves me. I resisted. It gets do confusing when you're being hoovered, particularly because those feelings you're naming are so overwhelming. I'm so grateful for your work. If not for brilliant people like yourself, I would be far weaker, more confused, and less able to resist hoovering. It's like you've lived my life when you talk about these things. Thank you.

[@alisha8833]

Oh wow, similar situation for me as well and I just filed too. Can't wait to be free from this nightmare!

[@joseenoel8093]

Stay wise sure, one thing, them textbook, stay strong, I'd of left dick head long ago if not for the kids, he's ok, kids do well and I'm far from starving but if you ever wondered to what depth his immaturity went, have kids, you'll get a very bad surprise, your kids are going to show you love and happiness you've never known and dick head will be there slowing progress and saying look at me! Mine's man enough to take the head's up on his narc traits, they honestly just don't know any better! Good luck, if yours don't got bucks, game over, you win!

[@Ac-cb5zb]

Yes my ex trys to stop me seen my son and bríng me to court and lied cause I finished it with him and he's so mentally draining...

[@eyeamme1917]

@T C no, he wouldn't go to any licensed therapist. He did start going to an unlicensed Reiki master-life coach-mgtow advocate whom i believe he chose specifically because he thought he would be easy to manipulate... he despises new agey self help stuff but he thinks this will help him in court, so he hired the guy 🤷‍♀️. After 20 years of psychological and physical abuse, no agreement to go to therapy would have sufficed, particularly because he promised countless times and never once followed through. I finally learned my lesson after the umpteenth empty promise to get help.

[@joyalways1179]

God got my narc out and by a true miracle brought my son home from the Navy!

[@LizzPaintz]

The toxicity was enough to keep me hanging on to hope. Yes. I struggled with, "how can I abandon them after knowing how long it took me to heal from being abandoned?", and "How can I make an accusation against them when they hold on to, and adamantly refuse to discuss and heal their own need to hold onto their false accusations against me and keep me in the scapegoat schema?" Omg...i can finally see clear. I hope this helps others.

[@lynneivison5773]

2 hours of prayer a day healed me after 60 years

[@laurynrose1111]

Guilt about leaving them ? More like survival I did not know what he was going to do next

[@jaquelinejimenez2740]

Exactly. I'm worried about what he's going to do to me next.

[@shelly2758]

They always come at you with their sob stories. My narcissist was such a great actor. He did try to hoover me with fear. Thats a particularly scary one. How far would he have gone if i hadn’t gotten that protection order and had him arrested 4 times? Not that TPOs protect anyone, its a tool. Stay vigilant and grey rock the shit out of that person. No contact, do not react, and use your tools (courts, police, neighbors, family, and friends ...real friends. ) Good vibes to anyone trying to get free! Thanks, Dr Ramanie

[@bastondwennon4800]

Shell F my sister tried this after telling me straight up she doesn’t care abut my kids...soooooo no.

[@Keesh36keesh]

Thank you for this video! I left my narcissistic ex husband a year ago and last week, he sends me emails trying to hoover me back in. Saying he missed me and always thinking of me etc. I will admit it made me feel a certain way. I quickly realized this was apart of the narcissistic behavior. I can see how easy it is to be sucked back in but I refuse to let him hurt me again! Thank you Dr Ramani for your videos regarding narcissism. They have helped me tremendously!

[@aliceschipper7937]

This broke my heart a bit, Currently trying to navigate a relationship with a narcissistic parent. I only just realised how much guilt they use on me. I actually feel sick...

[@SonyaKhanOfficial]

Alice Russell Sending you love, please don’t give them your precious energy, protect yourself.

[@janetwoods4042]

Stay strong don’t give in to their guilt tripping

[@kellyb4927]

Thank you Dr. Ramani ! You are a life saver.. When you are with your narcissist the thought of living without them is paralyzing. I learned from Dr. Ramani that being in a relationship with a narcissist feels like you have an addiction to drugs or alcohol .. I am so so glad that I am finally FREE from that evil demonic individual. Free at last, free at last Thank God almighty I’m free at last!!!💕🙏👍

[@chrissy3684]

I pray I get there soon!!🙏🏻

[@franceshaggitt3104]

Yes freeeee.....me too

[@RM-ln9xq]

Dr, the depth of understanding that you have on this subject makes my emotions of this experience feel validated So much just listening to you. That is one thing that through the isolation, the gas lighting etc., you do not get. You end up ping ponging these feelings of guilt, righteous anger of knowing your being mistreated, feeling your losing your mind from the gas lighting, the hoovering cycle and often you only have yourself as a sound board. It is so wonderful to hear your words match exactly the emotions I have had while walking through this awful experience. Thank you for that. It seems like everything works in a constant cycle with a N, much like a non stop rollercoaster ride over and over.

[@ariadnaponce1]

This is so true! I totally agree with you. I had a very similar experience.

[@VanessaCv3]

R M EXACTLY! She makes my emotions feel validated. Finally, I feel relieved.. I was not wrong, it was him the whole time.

[@Rosa8princess]

See I didn’t think my mom actually is a narcissist, but these videos are so accurate it hurts.

[@lisagrace6471]

"Tension, abuse, honeymoon"- oh my goodness- absolutely!

[@Neroli-Arancia]

I always felt like my mother was setting some sort of trap when she told me that she and my father were the greatest friends I'd ever have. Having watched this video, it seems to me like hoovering, because it always happened after I disagreed with her and was immovable in either direction.

[@mmgibson1]

It really made me think when I heard Dr. Ramani use the word "fantasy", and how I might have constructed one in my mind. I last heard that a few decades ago after I had summoned up the courage to break up with someone who had been using narcissistic tactics on me, and I realized that I had this image of me being the maiden that gets wooed by the knight in shining armor and we go on together to live in a castle. Now it has been occurring to me that I've been dreaming for most of my life that my family will be supportive and loving, and we will all live together happily ever after, like you see in the movies. It is all based on a script, and not part of reality. Pooh, but it is the unvarnished truth and one I need to accept.

[@marijnmens7583]

the world is your family, take care

[@vicb9873]

Thank you I watch alot of your videos and finally left a narcissist 🙏 he became so violent and it only got worse 😞 the hoovering had now began. 😳 Keeping the faith and strength to keep going 🙏

[@starlingswallow]

My mom said in a phone call, "so....are you ever gonna talk to your dad again?" Yeah. When he's safe. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@brookemcdonald474]

Thank you so much for all of your videos! You will never know how much you have helped me as I'm sure many!

[@uppercut147]

LOL my ex was ridic in his hoovering. He faked a medical emergency and even got his friend to call me to tell me about it since he knew I'd blocked his number. He also tried to get me to come over on the premise that he'd remodeled his house and "thought I would like it." And instead of saying *I* was right, he said "just stop bein crazy, leave all the drama, and let's go back to how it was before you got messy." LOLLLLL this dude can't even bring himself to own up to his awfulness even when he's trying to win people back.

[@savannarenee6048]

My narc boyfriend's extremely narc mother STOLE our sons social && claimed him without our knowledge OR consent... 2days later she's saying she tested positive for Rona 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 biiiiitch ... Of course I said WHAT HOSPITAL 🤔 YEEEAH no hospital

[@jcat5100]

Mine even faked covid-19 .. I kinda knew he was faking it but I stayed communicated for a week to expose him of his lie (and other lies). When I confronted him, he apologized abtbhis other lies (which I know is not a genuine apology) but didn't mention abt pretending to have corona... This I know he was embarrassed! I honestly felt so satisfied but the same time I was hurting to the fact that he's never gonna change and I just had to end it permanently.

[@linitamaria87]

You got messi, omG, they just don't get it, keep blamming others for they behaviour

[@alisonhart-burnett3699]

You gave me the words to define what I was going through in my relationship for the last 20 years. Knowing it was real and putting a name to the action gave me the strength to make a change. I decided instead of being sad that I was not being loved as much as I love, I will love myself like I love others. I have paid for my husbands very comfortable lifestyle for a very long time...if my marriage was represented as an animal it would be the angler fish. Today he left as in a tantrum because he did not get what he wanted. I told him he was not welcome back. He asked me for money and I said no. When he called me to try to coax me into not turning off his phone and to give him money... I said no, you needing money and a phone is not my problem. When he exclaimed he loved me... I didn't protest and say no you don't... I said... I believe you that you think you love me, but I do not want to be loved the way you love me. Your love hurts me and I don't want your love. I feel so empowered I could burst! I cried for a while, but I let myself be sad until it passed. I'm sure there will be days ahead when I feel sad again, after all we have been together for 20 years. I was compassionate to myself and the feelings I had. I love me and I love me some more. Your videos gave me the strength, the language and the understanding I needed... Thank you does not even begin to express my deep gratitude for the your generosity in sharing this knowledge. Many blessings to you. I feel like the weight of 1000 earth's have been lifted from my shoulders.

[@felineoverlordservant2419]

I can’t thank you enough for these videos. My covert narcissist brother who is less than 3 years older than me has been abusing me since I can remember and has been using my parents, specifically my mother, my whole life as one of his weapons. I never felt safe, I always felt helpless, and I learned from an early age to become an underachiever and lazy person. I was never able to finish college, by 27 I was getting divorced from my toxic and abusive marriage. By 28 I was drinking half gallons of vodka twice a week, forcefully institutionalized by the time I was 28, then sent to my 1st rehab after that. When I got out of that rehab, my life was still in shambles and I hated myself. I would be forcefully institutionalized and sent to rehab a few more times after that. Married again to an addict, who I got pregnant with, when my son was 4 my husband overdosed and died, I was left broken and traumatized because I found him then immediately my son was taken away by CPS and me taken to my last mental hospital. All was not lost, my son was the motivation I needed to heal my mind and emotions and become someone deserving of his love. I went to rehab one last time to get off the anxiety pills and methadone, then to an integrative life center for trauma where I lived with a group of girls I went to counseling and therapy with. Here I had emdr and every other type of therapy you can think of and starting learning how to love myself. I was 35 at the time. About 2 weeks ago, I saw some of your videos about covert narcissism, sibling narcissism, and narcissistic abuse and the memories came flooding back. I finally know what happened to me. How an empathic, sensitive, kind, loving & forgiving bright person could become so broken. I was abused from the first time I could remember when my brother first started using me as a scapegoat. We’re the only two children of our mom and stepdad, our father (a narcissist) abandoned us when I was 5 and he was almost 8. My brother has hated me my entire life and my entire life I have broken myself trying to get him to love me, only to be manipulated, betrayed, abused, ignored, humiliated, rarely love bombed. He has no empathy and uses my mom, who is also empathic against me and has my whole life. She still to this day tries to excuse his behavior while taking the blame for it. I’m always told to let it go, make it right. He’s currently ghosting my parents and has been for 3 years. I’m 41 years old and live 5 minutes from them with my son. I take care of them…my brother lives 30 minutes away. Last bit of info I’ll share, I’ve cut him from my life and been firm with my parents about that emotional boundary but last year my parents asked me to prepare and file the last 3 tax returns for him because they just hadn’t been done so of course I said yes and got one of my team members to do this for him. And this year, I found myself without even being asked, filing an extension for him. It only takes a minute but still, the second my thoughts went to “I bet he hasn’t even thought to do this” I was already filing it with bitterness in my heart and being angry at myself for being unable to “not care”. It’s not in my nature to not care about others and I’ll always wonder if that’s the real me or the me he programmed to feel that way. Anyways, thank you so much, you’ve helped me in more ways than I can say. 🫰

[@smash0005]

Hey thanks for sharing all that. Have you done any work around codependency?

[@dublinfitzpatrick7838]

Dr. Ramani, I just recently discovered your KZbin channel. I just wanted to thank you for all the information you are sharing on this subject. It has been extremely helpful to me personally :)

[@LoveYouBeTrue]

I’m so glad you’re doing this series. Thank you!!

[@elissajaguar]

You’re right on the mark and as amazing as always, Dr Ramani. Thank you!

[@KCNwokoye]

Awesome couch! Wise and thoughtful woman, Thank you!

[@liluhaas]

This is going to help so many people. Thank you for everyone who shares to enlighten this community.

[@diannaallaman3407]

Thank you. I learned even more about this unhealthy pattern.

[@drivenhome3257]

Thank you, this was very clear when clarity was needed.

[@sydneywheeler5037]

Thank you! I shared your videos with a page that I run on FB. So, hopefully, three thousand or so more people can benefit from your great works. These videos are a god-send and they break down the terminology into chunks of information that are easier to process. Thank you, Doctor!!

[@RedPill_Live]

DR. I needed to hear this so bad. Thank you for the videos and the work you do.

[@virginiarodriguez1039]

Thank you Dr.Ramani. Your videos have been a help!!!! Stay safe and take care.😊

[@sanjanabhatia5156]

This is an excellent video. Hits home in all areas of my life. Thank you! 💕

[@anastasiayatsenuk]

Doctor Ramani, these colors suit you so nicely! And thanks a lot for the new series.

[@Bpdbryan]

My narc ex hasn’t bothered hoovering.. I must be extremely lucky!

[@dlwsport250]

Bryan’s BPD Journey You are fortunate as this content gives you wisdom and time to prepare should the narcissist come back when they become anxious and ashamed that they made a mistake allowing you to live and thrive again.🌟

[@Bpdbryan]

dlw sport absolutely, unfortunately as someone with BPD, I tend to attract the narcissists! They prey on those who give love fully and are loyal and scared of being abandoned. They then threw me to the side like I meant nothing.

[@norapeace6526]

Maybe yours is a covert vulnerable narc like mine with low self esteem and only contacts my mom 😂

[@bethocdunwitty6641]

Just wait. It's coming

[@dglhreijnders]

@@Bpdbryan true that!!!!

[@jessicalittle1802]

This is totally spot on! Thank you

[@MsTish-cb8un]

You are amazing! In all of your videos, I am able to recognize so many phrases and behaviors that I would not have otherwise. I'm always sitting here saying yes! that's it!

[@gizempolat4651]

You are so enlightening. Can’t thank you enough🙏🏻

[@dianeg.1771]

Yes to everything you said!!! Knowing more about a person like this only makes me more confident and secure and not fragile like I was once with my ex Narc.

[@barbw3757]

Thank you for educating so many people on narcissism, Dr. Ramani!! You are helping a lot of people in this world including me. I am currently on 4 months of going no contact with my mother and I'm feeling so good. I was sucked back in 3 times, but no more. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

[@tasiawilliams2368]

I absolutely love your videos. It has made things so much more clear

[@TheNCWrapRevolution]

What an all around great video. Information overload! Ty!

[@disappearingremedy7400]

Your knowledge and expertise is so very helpful and greatly appreciated. Just a word of encouragement for others, I know every case is unique. After about a year of No Contact (survivor in family of origin) it does get easier to heal.💜🙏💕

[@MissCPix]

Your videos have helped me so much! I have surrounded myself with narcissistic relationships from friends to family to romantic. I didn’t realize my relationships were so messed up until this quarantine.

[@nasimazad4197]

That content on hoovering was just what I needed right now! awesome explanation Dr. Ramani!

[@talinsarraf5320]

Thank you. This video has been so enlightening. I can't thank you enough.