Narcissism and Grief with Dr. Ramani and David Kessler + Q&A

[@DoctorRamani]

✨How to receive FREE bonuses✨ ✅STEP 1: Purchase DR. RAMANI’S NEW BOOK It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. All retailers accepted **Only orders of HARD copies and E-BOOKS are eligible for this offer. Audiobook orders are NOT eligible Link to buy book: smarturl.it/not-you ✅STEP 2: VERIFY YOUR PURCHASE. Link to verify purchase to get access to giveaways: forms.gle/NLnbUW7X8yh4vxU77 ✅STEP 3: Wait to hear from us. We will send you an email about how to redeem your freebies!

[@MirandiW]

Done

[@vl_looper]

Ordered book!!! You are the GOAT, Dr Ramani! And a huge THANKS also to your amazing team!!! ❤

[@403spanky]

✅

[@elizabethsnipes6302]

Dr Ramani, I want to support you but I can't really splurge on more than 1 copy (or to be caught reading it.) It's OK though, bc when i listen to you read, i feel like it's a session and your helping me personally! Thank you❤ I'm listening right now, and you just told me what topics we are about to explore together. I'm actually crying bc I know I'm going to be stronger after I listen. I wish I could have done matcha and chat with you, but hearing you read the whole book is going to change me, like the last one did, this making me strong and better as a parent. you've Help me get a grip On my sanity because you've helped me understand what Cards i'm playing with. Hopefully by the end of this book I'll be able to walk away from arguments with dignity instead of shame. Thank you for everything you do for me and everyone. We all need you ❤

[@brookearinie1381]

P😊

[@laurelletieman4943]

Mary Poppins is one of my anti-narcissist heroes: she never explained anything, didn't try to change clueless people, and just kept smiling that self-accepting, confident smile! She knew when to arrive, blew away the competition, and didn't let her caring feelings keep her in relationship when it was time to leave.

[@justrosy5]

Ok, so now I have to go watch that again. I was like 5. What relationship she didn't belong in??? I just remember her and Dick Van Dyke's character having fun.

[@laurelletieman4943]

@justrosy5 At the end, she says it's the parent's job to parent, so she didn't overstay and take their place in the hearts of the children.

[@laurelletieman4943]

@@justrosy5 Enjoy!

[@monicahale2451]

“In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and (snap) the job’s a game. Mary P. 😉🤣 I just quoted this to a good friend yesterday, dealing with a Narc sit. Laughed when I saw this comment!!! 🙌🏼 🤣

[@Coco-og7zw]

​@justrosy5 .... Same here! Going to watch it today.

[@oilselevated4808]

My charming narc husband of 33 years passed away, I took care of him during what turned out to be his last 4 months. Right before he got really sick, he decided to “come clean” and tell our family about his transactionship with miss Amanda, (the wh0re of havasu ). So between his news, and him dying, I had to break the bonds, grieve the sham marriage and then the death. I almost didn’t make it, but almost 2 years now and I’m doing great!!!! I did a lot of listening to people like Dr Ramani, and others, found an amazing therapist and rebuilt my life that suits me, gives me pleasure and passion again. I’m free and gratefully so everyday!! To anyone suffering: be your own best friend and help yourself crawl out of the psychological prison. It CAN be done, it is Possible!!!

[@truthjunkie63]

I'm so happy for you.

[@oilselevated4808]

@@truthjunkie63 very kind, thank you

[@katherinesmith9130]

Congratulations

[@nikkinellaa]

Hi, I've had a very similar journey and time scale to you. My case is 30 years. Thank you for this and very best wishes to you x

[@nikkinellaa]

Ps I nursed him for 7 months through the end of lockdown.

[@elainesmith5313]

My narcissist husband did die, 2 yrs ago. The grief was not that he died, truthfully I good with that. It the crap you find out about after they die. Cheating, stealing money, the lies and all the stuff that comes out. I was releaved!! And moved on very quickly. His narc family cult attacked me, insulted me,questioned my character and integrity which motivated me to sell everything and move away. All was a blessing. And an eye opener. Grief is real, but life is more important to me. To all who have faced this, I pray for you All, and encourage you to move forward. Find you!!❤

[@dianeshimmin5490]

My husband died 15 mos ago and the funeral was on our 45th anniversary. I been married to him since I was 17. I don’t know how to find me.

[@dampergoldenrod4156]

That's a good description all the enablers and people who make excuses for them they are like cult members

[@lilliantanasijevic7852]

Same happened to me. 7 years ago... still in disbeleif... hurts terribly eventhough so much time passed. It's the betrayal....

[@karenbraddock5738]

My narcissist partner died 8 months ago after an 8yr relationship. The shit you find out after is unreal! His phone was the gift that kept on giving. So relieved to be out and not to have to deal with the inevitable hell of the break up. I was getting closer to leaving. Dying was the best thing he ever did for me It’s a long recovery road though

[@annawallace3264]

@@elainesmith5313 I understand as I lived a life similar to yours with a NarcHusband of 54+ yrs. Yes, his cheating stealing, lying, I found out via ancestry I was his 4th Wife and the only one left. Married him when I was 18 had no idea there were people like Narcs in this World.I thought this was what marriage was like. I worked very hard 40+ yrs. After 25 yrs marriage with 3 yrs into a 30 yr mortgage on our then next house he decided he wasn’t going to work any more he told me “he was retired” that his Soc. Sec. should pay for everything that was ridiculous! I knew if I wanted a roof over my head I had to work harder and longer to pay off the house which I did…he passed away 3 mos. ago. Dealing with grief in many ways and a marriage that didn’t have to be like this has been a challenge. I’m a survivor and others can do it too. I refused to let him take me out now to heal, am figuring out who I once was and am one day at a time. Most of my family has passed on. I am grateful and blessed to have 2 adult kids and 2 kids with paws that love me unconditionally. Stay strong and if I could survive this others can too! Happiness comes from the inside.❤️🌼

[@CodeDusq1]

Narcissists are a lot like computer viruses, as they are emotional viruses. They invade boundaries, hence causing emotional distress. They’re draining to be around, as their negative energy tends to rub off on you. Therefore, it is crucial to protect your well-being by establishing strong boundaries and having a strong support system.

[@yukio_saito]

So true. Once they break into your firewall, your system is completely taken over. 😮

[@ArtLoverScotland]

Troubke is they know your 'back doors' and infect your mind

[@johntuohy1867]

Once you refuse to engage defend or explain you will be told that their boundaries are in place against YOU.

[@yukio_saito]

@@ArtLoverScotland They scan for your vulnerabilities to find out where to break in. 😨

[@Lisaann8699]

Well said!

[@deercatharine]

Once getting out of a narcissistic and abusive relationship the grief was the hardest. Therapy, friend and time were the healing tools that helped me to get to today.

[@TimetoWonder222]

The hardest of any of it is finding the motivation to get up and rebuild my life again. Sometimes it aeems hopeless after having rebuilt so many times before.

[@user-ls1xq4fy3c]

TimetoWondee222 I truly understand and feel bad for both of us. 😢

[@kathleendubois7128]

Same for me. It all feels completely pointless.

[@kattfranklin6933]

You can do. As you said, you have accomplished it before each time you will make it again. God bless you ❤️ 🙏

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

Yep.. it's heartbreaking and frustrating. I'm starting over.. again. I'm 49. I'm not going back to any of the toxic people.. including family. The next part of my life will be lived on my terms.

[@laurenharper1510]

Oh wow me too!! I’ve rebuilt soooo many times from the destruction of my moms narcissism pushing me into wrong decisions , especially marriage to a horrible Narcisst man. But Jesus gives me SO MUCH RELIEF when I go to Him

[@amandadavis8855]

You just said exactly what I have done for 50 years - anticipating, knowing what they all need, making my needs small, being very flexible- and the way you said it "throwing your life away in this way" - that's exactly how I feel right now, like I threw my life away. And here I am now at 50 years old, finally seeing all this abuse I have just allowed and I am devastated. How do I recover from this? How do I move my life forward? How do I not be fearful of everyone?

[@debrabrookham6670]

One day at a time. You are still young enough to have many years of joy. Get some therapy and escape from it if at all possible.

[@dampergoldenrod4156]

If you have the physical ability and good health and financial means get away from these people and never have contact with them again.. get far away ..the farther away you are physically the more you will forget about them

[@BarbraMarshall-pl4nx]

I’d have means if I wasn’t wiretapped

[@aliceeubanks-badosky2877]

Me too 😢 almost 40 years. You are not alone. I have finally found my place of peace and calm. It takes so much work. I've been folllong Dr. Ramani for 4 years, and I have to continue living with my narc!! There is light at the end of the tunnel ✨️ Sending ❤ and peace to you.

[@deniseatkinson7510]

“Don’t go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread”. AlAnon slogan. Lifetime with N. 11 years free/NC divorced. Married in’72. Practicing Gratitude this diagnosis/knowledge is now available. Let there be light!

[@Priceless16]

Grief after narcissistic abused is very different than grief after a loved one dies. Also, the abuse often involves several people, compared to a death of one person

[@xltl7642]

Thank you. This is vy true.

[@DianaH-p7s]

This discussion is great. My mother is a full blown narcissist. I have learned that I absolutely have to limit my time with her. Or I will be sick. I’m almost 70 and have been the bad scapegoat daughter my whole life. Nothing makes her happy, ever. And I realize that she will never love me. My dad is gone, but he enabled her; she finally got him to dislike me also. I’ve been left out of the will, it is all so painful.

[@amybell4830]

Oh, despite what she has told me, i fully expect to be "left out" of her will. After YEARS+YEARS of the BS! So grateful that Dr.Ramani has this website and that she does what she does.

[@Narc_Hunter]

Before I walked away from my narc mother at 27, I told her, “fuck you and your will!” I hope that hurt. I’ve been stalked ever since, and told to “let it go,” but I will never reopen the door! To hell with the bitch!

[@amybell4830]

You're not alone! It's going to happen to me also and I know that there are others in this room who have gone through being "disenfranchised."

[@hallelujah969]

I totally 😢feel you. My situation is almost identical.

[@lindajohnson-gn1yg]

Hands down for me,the grief was and still is my number one nightmare

[@ArtLoverScotland]

I feel for yhou. I am still in the midst of the grief from all the betrayal

[@johntuohy1867]

Drains your brain. Grinds your mind. Constricts your heart. Cages your rage. Bewilders your vision. And your optimism..

[@erikavaleries]

Me too

[@CapitalK66]

I agree. It washes over me suddenly with little triggers or reminders. I’ve coined it my cycle of feelings. Happily I return to my center, my base camp and feel happy again. ❤

[@janetcorbin2642]

​@@CapitalK66so very happy 4u, well deserved am sure 😊

[@susanfinn7653]

This is so helpful! My dad is the narcissist that I have been caring for the past 14 years and only did so because I dearly loved my mother and promised her I would care for him when she was gone. He has been horrid and manipulative for the past twelve years and now he is finally dying. I feel such relief and will be glad when this is over. I feel guilty for saying that but it is where I am.

[@BigSky000]

You will both be free.

[@tunesreal]

You have nothing to feel guilty about, I understand exactly what u r saying. You are not alone.

[@Bootlegfiber]

Me too but taking care of my Mom. Will be a relief when she is gone even though I love her. The guilt is huge

[@elizabethhoeppner8881]

So helpful! Never having time, being too busy, always late. Over committed. Leaving me to pick up the dropped balls they didn't want. Raising their kids, going to social events, and forever on the phone. Never available, but available to strangers, customers. Anyone but me. I was trained by Mom to do this. Help! I need to learn how to take care of me.

[@sylviaduncan6663]

Yes you have got to take care of yourself is very important

[@HighCoupDeTat]

Know when to forgive yourself

[@kattfranklin6933]

Love yourself! I am learning to do it at 81 after putting everyone first. God is always there 😊 God bless you ❤️ 🙏

[@christinesalyer600]

Been there. #1- the is no law insisting that you answer every phone call. #2- "No" is a complete sentence. 😊

[@zsazsacabahug8172]

Omg so true

[@andrewhancock2451]

I'm blown away by Dr. Ramani's authenticity, strength, willingness to share to, and to provide much needed guidance for very difficult situations.

[@MindsetSpeakers]

Yes. I love n appreciate her compassion.

[@SJHsolutions]

I miss and grieve what I thought I had but figured out that love shouldn’t HURT.

[@lyndon67]

❤

[@annawallace3264]

you’re right, the narcissist takes the joy out of everything good! They rain on your parade all they can and they retaliate if they feel you got something they didn’t.

[@dodosmamma1692]

What an incredible discussion. When we’re in an abusive relationship, often we feel alone, I certainly did. It’s comforting to know that there are truly good people who do care and fully understand the pain and betrayal we experience in narcissistic relationships.

[@sylviaduncan6663]

You got that right I. Fill the way you said it one 100% of what you said thanks

[@iw9338]

Feeling alone especially when siblings say spouse is so kind as he's throwing away my exercise equipment while I'm away 😭😮

[@Coco-og7zw]

​@@iw9338.... I went thru this early on in my marriage. My husband would just throw my stuff away. We had so many fights over that. Would love to know the psychology behind it.

[@tiffcat1100]

@@iw9338 A good big red flag for you. Binge this channel (& comments) xx ❤

[@peggyrider6732]

Thank you so much. I now feel seen and heard. I am exiled by my adult daughter who admits she is a narcissist and is proud of it. The grief of loosing my only child and grandchildren has been excruciating. Now thanks to you Dr. Ramani and Mr. Kessler clarifying that “It’s Not You” has enlightened my path to healing with vast knowledge. As a sixty nine year old woman that felt useless and alone I now feel like I’m getting the old me back that didn’t take shit off of anyone!! I missed the book deadline but I did find it on Amazon. Dr. Ramani I found you two years ago when I was told to get out of my daughters house at night. God was the divine guide that led me to you. Your videos literally saved my life and sanity. I can’t say thank you enough. I keep you in my prayers. Peggy Rider

[@elizabethsimpson7464]

It's so good to have found Dr. R and this community, it's been a Godsend. I've prayed for my husband for years and it was devastIng to have the veil removed and to see the truth of the matter. However, I'm trusting in The Most High for the healing that I need after a 46 year relationship of pain and confusion. I've left with very little in terms of material resources, and I'm in God's hands now, and I know I'm loved.

[@coolwater55]

Its so sad, sorrowful to lose a child, who is alive, and the grandchildren. Never thought it would happen to me. Im fortunate i do have younger daughter, and have an hones5, not perfect, relationship with her and am very close to her son. Another on the way. But the ache is always there for my ekdester and 3 grandchildren, who really needed a grandma!

[@goldenwarrior5664]

Dr . Ramani videos saved my life. I was looking for help thinking it was me losing my mind until I saw her videos. The book is great and perfect title

[@mikelockhart5528]

When you learn (thanks Dr. Ramani!!) and figure it all out and become educated on the game that was ran on you, it does get better. When you begin to make sense of the, seemingly senseless, you can start to heal. You will go through the shell-shock phase of awakening, you will go through anger, you will go through grief. But in my opinion, you’ll know that you are beginning to heal when the guilt and shame subsides.. Their whole game the entire time was to offload their guilt and shame on to you and have you carry it for them. To me, losing the guilt and shame is key to all.

[@heidimartin5070]

I sure hope you’re right. I hope it’ll get better.

[@Sundais4freelee]

Thank you I just learned about letting go of shame

[@bereal6590]

On point. It's a tough ride ✌✋

[@annawallace3264]

Dr. Ramani you are saying it all exactly like it is with a Narcissist. I’ve been married to one for 54 yrs. I gave my all and more to try to make him happy and keep him happy but he made me think I was the problem” but I knew inside it wasn’t me it was him. When he was diagnosed with being Narcissist and Paranoia when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 8 years ago it was such a wonderful confirmation that it truly was not me it was him all those years. I’m glad you have written your book so people can learn early on in there life that there are Narcissistic people out there.

[@ozzieenglelewis]

Best wishes to you and thanks for sharing your story

[@briannabangle6705]

I know that you are a very strong, strong woman. I hope that you know my heart hears yours!

[@annawallace3264]

@@briannabangle6705 thank you! I wish you the very best!

[@lpenn5560]

I never hear any of all the videos, say or talk about any "LAWS" , against people knowingly they are destroying people. I just at 60 yrs , just now got blindsided with this. Three years into a relationship. Now I understand for the years I have searched for what was going on. Well I deal with 1. My mother 2. My sister 3. One son of 2. I was court ordered by my children, went thru that. My husband and 2 boys tried to literally make me think I was crazy. My now day guy I had started dating is how this all came to lite. Upon one of my questions, this man to me to the mental health parking lot to drop me out. I had told him about my situation w/my kids. OMG I had no clue this existed.

[@silviaalbarracin9355]

Living my whole life with this pain, it was like having a knife in my heart, when i saw the interview about your book and identified with everything it felt like you just removed the knife from my heart with your words. Thank you your book was eye opening and gave me hope.

[@Stretesky]

I’m overwhelmed with how bystanders empower violence. Bystanders’ responsibility must be addressed and we require all professionals speaking up to help reduce violence. Allowing elective and unnecessary harm to happen is inexcusable.

[@ozzieenglelewis]

The therapists can do damage as well. Individual and couples.

[@ArtLoverScotland]

My late husband was obviously a narcissist. I really didnt see it. That hurts. The husband beforethat was a malignant narcissist. I knew he was an jealous psycho alcoholic but didnt know about narcissism. Before that my parents. Inbetween times siblings and my own daughter. Since these occasions spanning over 64 years of my life...I met another male narc and didnt last with him. Why? I was so done with punishment. He took me for all i was worth, mentally, psychologically and financially. Meanwhile....after many losses - many homes, much money, a lot of social identity, loss of environments (knowledge, fitting in and sense of locality) self identity, family members - who betrayed me. I am now alone after being made homeless. I was lucky. I was rehoused by the council. I cannot stand it where I am and as soon as I save enough I am moving. I so need to be near the sea, as it calms me. Do not let your 'life' stop. Keep doing what makes YOU happy for a change. I am 72 now!

[@norasummers6877]

Yep! You sure have been through the ringer, they are everywhere and unfortunately for the unwise( before awakening) narcs as cunning as they are sliver in and do what they do best! Destroy everything that is good! Fortunately they are not always successful, and because of the abuse we grow and know what to look out for in following relationships! The best gift my x narc gave me is awareness strength and better strategies for self love, respect, and boundaries. The lesson is golden. The grief is huge but I know Im healing. I salute your positive outlook, may the latter years of your life bring you many new blessings, filled with peace, happiness, and fulfilment in all areas, you deserve it! God bless you ALS❤️🙏🕊

[@coolwater55]

Bless your years ...now for you, and those still who are decent in your life. Your story resonates, although likely lots of different details. Amazing how we put up with it , or view that treatment as normal to a degree.. Empathetic people work hard, waiting for the reciprocal, that rarely comes. I'm.68, life has challenges, I'm not sure how far I got, but my younger daughter is at that phase of having another baby, has a 4 year old..a good husband, who works frequently in the city...so I focus on helping...them. Sadly older daughter estranged.. I aided so many family and dealt with many losses over the years. But, same as you, My heart is by the Sea. Fortunately, will live by the sea again this fall. May you soon have your wee place by the Sea! Its a true balm for the soul! ❤

[@carmenellman9524]

Thank You Dr Ramani❤, your exeptional work is helping me heal at 51, being raised by a narc mother and experiencing horrible trauma with my eldest sibling, and told to let go and move on😢Keep up the Great Work, #narcsurvivor

[@nostromois]

So much love and respect for your tremendous work ❤

[@meghanpoplacean2216]

“Shame for a narcissistic person is volcanic” So. True. The most violent, harrowing parts of my childhood are all rooted in the audacity that I, as a child, had to expose (often unwittingly) something they were ashamed of.

[@JanetChui]

I feel this. As a kid I was neglected a lot but entertained myself reading everything I could get my hands on. If I corrected or contradicted any adults, it was seen as disrespectful and rude, all the worse for being in a very hierarchical and shame-based Asian culture

[@micheleaustin794]

I just order your book the hard back...I have a difficult time recalling information...so having your book where I know where it is will be great!. I'm 61 divorced for nearly 6 years and have gone through the trenches for to many years. I need healing and will be able to turn the pages to freedom of my soul. Thank you ❤️

[@sharynmain2432]

Hold in there! Trenches are the correct analogy.

[@angelaraycroft233]

So so true..grief and anger is almost unbearable

[@sylviaduncan6663]

Yes you are right. They never change and that when we start seeing the truth about them. As they get worse and you do grief

[@MsJennasisReign]

1:02:08 man I did this just the other day and felt like an ant on the ground as soon as I opened my mouth. His face was like this 😕😕 it’s crazy how it was a knee jerk reaction to want to share even tho I KNEW BETTER 😤 ugh idk what I was thinking… it was a wild feeling the confirmation that he really does not care like that. The don’t go deep with anything is so real and such great advice. 💖

[@sandracaezza7234]

Lost my Dad. At the funeral home my ex sat in one of the sitting rooms & communicated with no one. My Father was so good to him through relapse/recovery. He treated him with kindness & forgiveness. I look back over the yrs now bring one yr out & marvel @ what I did not know TY for this, it is an affirmation to me everyday. I’m blessed to be out of that life

[@suemiller8426]

Living with a narcissist is like living on quicksand, every move you make you sink a little more; if you are with them long enough the quicksand will swallow you up.

[@junepeterson4078]

Grief for what I may have been instead of their wife. Grief for them that they are so sick, there is no way to fix them. Grief for my children who lived through this relationship. Gosh I’m glad I’m free!

[@beaucarbary5619]

Your videos have been an integral part of me understanding and healing from my relationship with my covert narc mother and also a covert narc previous partner. I had no idea what was happening for so long. As soon as I get paid I'm ordering your book! Thank you for all you do.

[@Godsgirl77777]

I'm gonna need 2 hours for this. My narc dropped dead in 2018.

[@cheriecarpenter3529]

When my controlling narcissistic husband died the amount of grief I was dealing with was unbearable! I was not only grieving his sudden death and everything that unfolded that morning, but all the years of abuse came to a head and shortly after he died the final betrayal was uncovered, which was the missing puzzle piece that made all of these other things that I suspected but had no proof of until after his death make sense. I think one reason I had such a hard time coming out of it was because I felt there was no justice and never would be because I couldn't confront him and all his lies since he died and I grieved a confrontation that could never be. It took me over three years before I was able to even begin living again

[@grammyspa-jammies1737]

My narc husband never showed any emotion when he lost one brother, then his mother and then another brother and finally his dad. He also never showed emotion when my son was killed (his stepson) even though he lived with him for 13 years. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he did not, does not and can not love us.

[@varshajogriya]

The confusion and the hope that what could have or blaming yourself brings tremendous fog , grief, and fatigue if you are still getting hoovered by them...the urge to stop yourself from going back is a real challenge...

[@betttylicious5521]

Life brought me to you, Dr. Ramani. I'm so thankful for this! I was in a narcissistic relationship without even knowing! I opened up my eyes and suddenly all your videos (that I started watching just out of curiosity) clicked, and I suddenly see everything extremely clear. It's been a hard process but I'm so ready to move on. Thank you for existing and sharing your knowledge with us!

[@idunno6480]

Ditto. When the girlfriend broke my rose colored glasses I realized something was up but had no clue the confusion was the narcissistic relationship. Then I found Dr Ramani. Thank you God!

[@andreaarias2085]

Thank you for this discussion of grief and narcissistic abuse.

[@anniek3629]

Yes you are the Light ahead of us and showing us the way 🌞 - I am crying, it has been a long time coming

[@jilllandrum4849]

Dr. Ramani thank U Soo VERY MUCH for ALL the work U r doing & in Soo MANY different ways to shine a spotlight on these awful horrible cockroaches that our culture & community systems to expose them for exactly who & what exactly they REALLY are! Keep it up!

[@kez-chick5647]

It was a great live, thank you Dr. Ramani for spending your time with us

[@sylviebigger4939]

Thankyou so much to you both, i really felt heard with so much here.hugged! David wonderful, Dr Ramani i got the book, .

[@carolsanchez5]

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this life affirming video broadcast, Dr. Ramani!! Grief over the death of a narcissistic loved one is tricky business, for SURE, especially when you have the dysfunctional family belief system stalking you from behind the bushes; like a lion on the hunt, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce on its prey. I was amply groomed into submission well into my late 50's by these surprise gas lighting, shame inducing ambushes, and when my elderly Mother died 2 years ago, all HELL broke loose once my 2 surviving brothers saw that I had no intensions of continuing to adhere to The Family, "Blood is thicker than water" Creed. My brothers were both livid over my decision to practice healthy boundaries with them, and my poorly misguided extended family didn’t help matters, which gave my siblings the enabling excuse to turn up the heat once they saw my resolve to put an end to their toxic verbal attacks. They were like 2 head-strong bullies determined to dismantle the new peaceful sense of well being their sister had discovered; so much so that I nearly had to put out a restraining order on them both. As a result of their invasion of my privacy, and my newfound peaceful state of mind, I put a more vigilant watch over my recently instated healthy boundaries. It hasn’t been an easy task to maintain this uncharted territory of stability, to say the least! I still cannot bring myself to delete the alarms that go off on my cell phone, reminding me to call my Mom after the nurses completed their shift changes at the nursing home where she lived; but now I am able to say, "I love you, and I miss you Mom, but I don't miss the chaos". Although, I have not grown faint in my resolve to continue on this path of healing and restoration, I still struggle with the guilt of “leaving family behind”. I know in my heart that I didn’t walk away to teach my abusive brothers a lesson, but that I have finally learned mine. Learning to navigate the muddy waters of a dysfunctional family is sticky business at best! All I know to do is to surrender, one day… one step at a time; and thanks to insightful nuggets of wisdom from "Teachers of The Trade", I am well on my way to discovering the authenticity of a more meaningful way of life! THANK YOU!!

[@Marti_Lay]

Your insight is helping me through the period of "going home" to help family care for a parent dying. I can feel my strength from knowledge of "radical acceptance"". And i know there will be some relief for everyone through the transition and grief. Thanks for putting into words what so many of us know.

[@norma9134]

God love Dr and her team, they've been grinding!

[@KarenBrown-bi6hj]

THANK YOU, Dr. Ramani for writing "It's Not You." It speaks 100% truth of a Narcissistics traits. My husband of 34 years hid behind the mask of Bi-Polar disorder. It wasn't until listening to you, and finally reading this book that I realized I've suffered emotional abusive for a very long time. It's Not You, helped me through the grieving process. We have two amazing adult children and grandchildren, and as devasted as I've been, my heart hurts for them as well. We're all trying to figure out our new family dynamic. My Ex husband has made "no contact" easy for he's incarcerated and court ordered to receive alcohol rehab (60 days mandatorily incarcerated). You cover absolutely ever single emotion I experienced through this insane sixteen month ordeal. I cannot recommend or thank YOU enough for sharing your knowledge.

[@kimquick9989]

Good people get stuck suffering between narcissists and enablers. I want protective, value-based people to say, “Right is right and wrong is wrong, period.” Brave, good, Godly people that stand up to injustice really are rare.🙏

[@leslievanduzee9282]

Um, hello, narcissists can be ‘godly’ too!

[@ozzieenglelewis]

Well said.

[@shannonwashburn4126]

You got that right, Well said.❤

[@shannonwashburn4126]

Yep, Self aggrandized Christian's, who just so happen to be full blown narcs.😢

[@myprincess0875]

“They actually really don’t care . The worst part is they think they do “ sums up my parents and paternal parents , maternal siblings ….I’m still mourning in layers …. I don’t want to feel this mourning this anymore …. 39:36 definitely me for 1/2 of my life …thank you for the support both of you great great program ….

[@kiaelfstrom]

I'm a therapiest and has defined the grief process in chockphase (the relatiknship) 1. Reactionphase -strong emotions 2. Aggressionphase -pure rage 3. The shame phase 4. The guiltphase 5. The emptiness phase 6. The (true) grief phase 7 Reorienrationphase

[@thebootlegknitter]

Definitely in the guilt phase. Why I am back listening to the Dr.

[@Leslie-fq7oz]

I can’t wait to get to reorientation phase🙏🙏🙏

[@ced4791]

With transactional empathy, and any other situation dealing with Narcissist. The “icky” feeling comes because in your head the red flag 🚩 goes up, but since they are being “empathetic” or nice, probably after saying manipulative things like “nobody appreciates the things I do” etc. You don’t want to be negative or point out how it’s probably not even that big of an empathetic gesture. So you just accept it, and it just grows worse from there. If you do say something you better believe it will be used as a justification during the discard. Thanks for all the work you both do. #narcsurvivor

[@Lydcha22]

Thank you for describing spot on, helping me identify and validate exactly my experience with an emotional immature person.

[@mistyvw8017]

Wow. You are talking about my life. In 2020, thanks to Dr. Ramani, I started realizing that one of my parents is a covert narcissist. This has been tough to navigate, process, and grieve. My dad just passed away suddenly in May 2023. The next morning my grandma (his mom) passed too. I waited for my best friend to show up for me as I endured this tremendous shock and loss. She didn’t (she made it about her and didn’t even so much as send me a card). I ended the friendship. The pain of dealing with all of this at once has been earth shattering. A therapist had helped me navigate through the acute loss/shock, and ending the friendship, but she wasn’t the right therapist to help me beyond that. Now, I’m basically trying to heal my own CPTSD, codependency, and grief by reading books and listening to experts like you. I hope to find the right therapist soon (I also have adhd and both of my kids are on the autism spectrum which further complicates my finding the right therapist). Thank you for simply validating this complicated issue of grief and narcissistic relationships. I am grateful and feel hopeful.

[@bevojalammi1276]

Dr Ramani, I can’t tell you how grateful I am for you! This video is like sitting in on a personal therapy session. The therapy sessions I did attend were not useful as I was advised to stay in my marriage due to finances. I am only seeing the video now so I will be purchasing your book. Thank you for all of the wonderful work you are doing and all of the many people you are helping💝🙏❌⭕️

[@lalapilosyan284]

You are wonderful. I love you too Dr Ramani

[@katg8773]

Thankyou for this. After coming out of a abusive, Narcissistic relationship 6 months ago, I thought I had started moving forward/ healed. But I have felt very tired, hard to talk to others, friends and family who were also affected by him often make comments, I have found myself keeping myself away from people and struggle in normal situations around people. I went to the Doctors and I have been told that I am grieving and processing whats happened. Didn't realise this and feel in a rut. Hope you can help please. Thankyou

[@dansasap]

I think there's a syntaxical issues around the idea of forgiveness. You can’t decide to ''forgive'' the way you decide to walk, talk, eat, drive etc. Your motor system isn't implicated. You can only get to a point in life where you feel forgiveness: the anger has abated, you feel more understanding (to some degree), you feel you have the choice of keeping that relationship going (and may still chose not to)... and then you may chose to say ''I forgive'', but really when you get to that point, it's done already. It's a specific process of grieving in itself. You don't ''do'' it, you do life, and that may allow forgiveness to happen. You actually ''feel you are experiencing forgiveness''... but that's a mouthful!

[@bekind7288]

Thank you Dr. Ramani, enjoy your well deserved break! My copy arrives tomorrow and I ordered a copy for my sister too. She's still married to a narcissist, 30 plus years. I divorced mine after 16 years. We both have immense empathy for them, each having their "good" aspects. I'm working through facing what I put my son through by staying for so long and being so unhealthy while I stayed. God brought me through more than I realized at the time. He still is. I'm enjoying peace and calmness now. Excited for the next chapter for both my son and myself. My son is 16, he has his own understanding of his dad and their relationship. It takes as long as it takes. Next chapter please ❤

[@SavageInsomniacRadio]

Thank you for this. I'm sick of being blamed!

[@karirolfe7101]

Dr. Ramani is the best advisor for victims of Narcissist Abuse. She helps put things in perspective without destroying your hope that your life can be better in time if you act wisely and establish boundaries. She shows you how to detach from the chaotic vortex that is so consuming in these relationships. Healing takes time but never give up and eventually you will be free.

[@SuzanneHastings-l4s]

This makes me think of the Bob Dlyan song "Everything's broken" A Narcissistic relationship is broken from the word go

[@Farvie8]

Enjoy your rest time Dr Ramani! ❤

[@SusanWillans-b9q]

Dr. Jerry Wise talks about “getting the family out of us”, which is basically what you’re talking about.❤❤

[@EveningTV]

Such an important topic. Thank you for covering it Dr. Ramani and David . I've known both of you for years via different life experiences. Brutal divorce from diagnosed sociopath, estranged from narcissistic family, and lost a traumatized son to a drug overdose. This is a topic I know all too well.. Just bought the book today.❤. Disagree with the statement that addiction is a disease but that is a topic for another day.

[@carolinechadarevian115]

How true it is the reaction of our nervous system. I lived years with panic attacks now after I let, earthquake last year did not challenge my heart to trumble. I am sooo relaxed, proud and happy

[@crystalH30]

How long were you in the relationship?

[@carolinechadarevian115]

@@crystalH30 29 years

[@lauriegills773]

After almost 40! Years of marriage I finally became aware of this Emotional Abuse. And it did happen when I became very ill. I was bedridden with Lyme Disease plus other chronics (which I now understand more clearly about the Root Cause) and he told everyone including himself how wonderful he was at helping me. And yes, he was there for me when I rang my bell when I could not get up but that didn’t even feel good… there was always something off about that. Like I was bothering him during his working hours. I still can’t believe how dissociated I was for all the years.

[@taniamartin6978]

Dr. Ramani is the Camina Drummer of the world of survivors! Thank you both, grief and abuse survival are cousins. You're a perfect pairing!

[@justrosy5]

For grade-school, Jr. high, high school, and college students: It's very OK to decide that you don't want to have **abusive** people in your life. It's completely OK to stop talking to those people, completely ignore them, walk away from them, etc. It's OK to do this without those people's permission or understanding about it, and without any discussion with them over it. You don't need their permission to do this! Even and especially when it's one or more close family members, a best friend, a lover, or someone who gives you a chore or a job to do, or who advises you in some way. The key word in that paragraph: abusive. They will say all kinds of nasty things to you, to control and manipulate you, like "Nobody's perfect" or "You have to forgive, 70x7" or "You'll go to hell" or "Do to others what you would have them do to you" or "Give him your other coat too" because they are abusing these ideas for their own gain. They just want power over you, and if you don't drop them from your life, your existence, your reality now, you'll never be able to get rid of them later on (or it will be extremely hard, after they've found ways to make you completely dependent on them). Words are only words, they have no power if you ignore them; don't let their words control you or dictate your future! You are your own person, and you don't have to listen to abusive people when they're abusing you! Your job is to get away from them, report them directly to the police or a teacher or a counselor, and then cooperate with them as they do their best to help get that abusive person away from you! You deserve a rich, full, happy life, and you won't be able to forever "live around" abusive people when they're in it, at least not without losing part of who you are! It's not your fault they're acting like they are, but it is up to you to decide to protect yourself and your future by turning anyone who's abusing you in! It's also not up to you to "fix the problem" in the "relationship" with them. They themselves, their personality, their mentality, even their physical health, are the problem, and it's not your problem to try to fix them! Let the rest of society do that for you! Your one job is to turn them in and cooperate with whoever you turn them in to, as that person helps protect you. If you have a counselor who understands about these things, then keep seeing that counselor who can help you learn how to feel better about yourself and your future! If you don't, then ask a teacher for help in finding one. Your life matters, and it shouldn't be lived forever bowing down to the dictates and immature needs/wants of the abusive people in your life. It doesn't matter even if it's a parent or grandparent or an aunt/uncle, or a sibling or a cousin: they don't get to mistreat you, and you have the power within yourself, the creativity, and the ability, to ensure that they can't continue abusing you! It might not be easy to understand or do, but with the help of the right counselor, teacher, or police officer, you can do it! It's really important to do! Here's a simple rule: If you feel like you're being abused, then you are being abused. There are no "one size fits all" rules about what abuse is. The law has its definitions, but it was made by people, it gets changed by people, and those are all people who keep disagreeing about it and changing it over time. Don't let anyone use the law to tell you if you're being abused or not, because our laws about abuse are not stable or unchanging. If you believe you're being abused, then you are being abused. It's never up to an abuser if they are the one abusing you: that's up to you only. Don't even tell your abuser that you're going to do anything about it - just go do something about it, behind their back, and get it over-with. Don't tell anyone who already knows that abuser about the abuse, and avoid anyone who tells you to confront your abuser about it. Confrontation isn't the answer. Getting the abuser out of your life is the answer. There is no way to "work it out" with abusive people. Never make agreements with abusers. Never compromise with them. It's OK to stop talking with them or listening to them! You need to know that your abuser has never told you the full truth about anything, including about your childhood, your relatives, your friends and their families, and so on. They'll seem to be telling the truth, but you'll find out years from now that they lied to you about everything. They did that to control and manipulate you. You'll learn over time that a lot of people are like that. It's OK to not have lots of people in your life all the time! Spend time with people who are nice to you and don't expect anything back from you. If someone tells you they don't want to spend time with you, then be glad you don't have to spend time with them! Believe in yourself! Don't define yourself based on what other people say about you! Just because you haven't gotten to do big things yet, that doesn't mean that you aren't able to! You can do this! Don't ever believe in the rules an abusive person tries to make for you, and don't do what they tell you to. You only do what good people who treat you nicely and expect nothing in return tell you to, if it's good for you and if you want to do it. You make your own decisions! If you need help with something, ask good people for help, not people who abuse you! You don't owe abusive people anything!

[@dansasap]

''You're not taken care of in your grief...'' Yes... that's how my truth-seer sister turned into an enabler. She had known and stopped expecting much from my mother since early childhood. And when I started seeing and grieving, it was very validating to finally compare and agree on our experiences of our mom. But my sister also very quickly said things like ''why are you so surprised? Let's all just remain polite and keep getting along''. Which I cannot do. And neither can my narc mother of course, she's throwing tantrums left and right these days, to get me to come out of my grey-rocky fire-wally distancing. I feel so much better now though!

[@CarolinaDemaria-s5v]

Thank you Dr Ramani. You help me articulate a long process of abuse. I have been in therapy since 2009, when I started I didn't know what I was going to say, I just knew I needed help. I thought there was definitely something wrong with me "because of the way you are". I am lucky, I think, because I separated a couple of years ago after 25 years of marriage, 5 of dating + previous friendship, it was psychological/power/money abuse from a very quiet, shy-looking person who was very manipulative. I consider myself an intelligent and intuitive person, yet, I don't how I got that deep down, how I missed all the red flags! Distance (separation) helped me to get perspective and open my eyes, I now have the words to describe what happened to me, nobody would have believed me. Time and our own actions speak for themselves and open people's eyes. It is very damaging, rips your soul, it takes time. I have your book, an addition to my collection of referrals, I am eager to read it! Thank you for putting words to such a devastating thing.

[@jenster29]

10:37 the twilight zone. I used this phrase when i was a teen living at home, as a young adult still dealiing with them even living abroad I went NC about 10 years ago. I then found myself using it again a couple of years ago about my marriage.. and when i realised that, it opened my eyes that i was still living it for the same reasons

[@mercychioma1283]

Thank you so much Doctor Ramani discovering your podcast is an eye opening for me. Am beginning to see and understand the cruel and manipulative schemes of the narcissistic people in my life pretending to be nice.

[@zdziebelko100]

Thank you for your all amazing work. Each and every time you bring so much help. When do you sleep?

[@maevebutler4641]

Really enjoyed the questions & answers & your guest speaker You answered some of my own questions which were so good to hear I had wondered why some people are not ok with me going no contact or doing yellow rock Its reassuring to know why as it was a tough call to know what was an appropriate reply Rest up Dr.Ramini and team You have all done amazing work over the past few weeks

[@SUSANPOLLARD-h5n]

Thank you , Thank you , Thank YOU

[@turnerturner3281]

You are a gift from the Goddess. Thank you!

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Spending the weekend with coffee, "It's Not You". 😎♥

[@Priceless16]

Thank you for your words and support

[@JMacmillan-q6g]

Thank you for confirming I'm not crazy I'm actual to loyal to abusers user greedy sneaky personality disorder narcs 😘

[@bftunes4900]

Love your thoughts bubbles in your "Mound of Mush". 😂😊Thank you, Dr. Ramani. If your mind is mush- mine is sludge. Thank you for all you do!!🎉

[@michellemarcionni9420]

Thank you both for confirming everything I have learnt over the last 2years and what is now helping to heal within a toxic relationship until I strong enough to move on.

[@camarorules1]

I remember an uncle that was my neighbor as a child growing up who died. I had to ask the man I was married to to attend the funeral with me. All he said was "I don't go to funerals". I went to the bedroom and cried and didn't attend the funeral. I now believe he did that for no other reason than to hurt me. I give myself a loving, empathetic hug 🫂

[@angelaraycroft233]

This is the most powerful interview yet..❤ ty🙏

[@ElinorRigby]

Thank you for your time with these!

[@joannemartinez-mckinney1895]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

[@camarorules1]

I appreciate you so much, Dr Ramani...sending love to you

[@camarorules1]

What an invaluable blessing you are 🎉 OWN IT!

[@sunnykhan5451]

Yeah amazing to hear.

[@thebiscuitrose]

Thank you Dr. Ramani. When you talk about being new to your career, well. It resonates. 😢😮😊

[@kathyparker5009]

Loved this, Dr. Ramani. Hope I can buy your book.

[@covert_warrior]

Love you Ramani

[@SUSANPOLLARD-h5n]

Thank you !! Please educate people about Grief ❤

[@Cherie2175]

I could never thank you enough for all your help! You've been my biggest gift from God.

[@MindsetSpeakers]

I just purchased the hard copy of the book to get the bonuses. I already the first night has bought the audio book but bought the hard copy because the grief I am going through is affecting my life and I was hoping the bonuses would help. Love everything you do just hearing your voice calms my nervous system. I learn so much from you. I read your first book last Dec 2022 when I was escaping my situation.

[@crystalwest4230]

I have been watching your videos and have realized I'm in a relationship with a cheating narcissist and now I see how he is the one that had issues resulting from his childhood and also he was in Afghanistan. I thought there was something wrong with me but now I see it's him . Thank you for all your info on narcisissm.

[@maureencunningham4750]

Congratulations and so well done on the publication and ratings of your new book. How wonderful to be able to reach for your book when our courage drops and we feel lost. Many thanks.

[@TheLove1Makes]

Awesome Thanks for your Emotional Support.