What narcissism IS vs. what it is NOT

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@omniterry]

Hi Dr Ramani, I am a narc survivor and I wanted to tell you that every time I watch a video of yours my soul feels so at peace. I cannot thank you enough! 🙏🏼

[@julianajardim3755]

Well said, same goes to me!

[@andreapollock3699]

I completely agree. She is so enlightening.

[@drewsibleyloans]

Mine too.

[@catherinevillarey7579]

Same here, thank much Dr. Ramani

[@jessest.claire9572]

She’s out here saving the world

[@mirunapopescu]

I love how Dr. Ramani keeps going in spite of all other distractions (like the light going out). Seems like she'd teach through a tsunami, and I love that vibe :))))

[@TinaLouise73]

A propa professional! 😊

[@imapandaperson]

Also a reminder that dysregulated anger coming from reactive abuse (someone relentlessly and purposefully pushing your nervous sysyem to the brink) is not narcissism --- it can be CPTSD! It is completely understandable for a child/teen to struggle with dysregulated anger and sensitivity to triggers in response to a lifetime of targeting. In adulthood it is on us to make sure we find ways of regulating so we don't hurt others, which takes being willing to get therapy and be accountable, but I really really want to stress that it is NOT OK to pathologize an otherwise loving and empathic child for being in fight mode when faced with abuse. Anger sometimes becomes the only way children can put down a boundary with a narcissistic parent, because it is the only language the narcissist speaks. That child deserves just as much love and support and validation as a child with any of the other trauma responses, and likely that child is just trying to find ways to feel safe --- and upon closer inspection all of the other trauma responses will be present in that child as well, rotating around in the kid's brain for what keeps them safe per situation. Speaking as a child who was scapegoated and taught to hate herself for truth telling --- when I was in fight mode I didn't need to be shamed for my reaction or pathologized and blamed, I needed someone to recognize I needed validation, justice, and protection from abuse. When I was in freeze/dissociation mode, I didn’t need to be screamed at and called lazy, I needed safe silence to decompress. When I was in flight mode I needed someone to be a safe haven to return. And when i was in fawn mode I needed someone to remind me that it was ok to have boundaries and teach me boundaries. It is also not ok to shame and pathologize a child who struggles with empathy either, or hold them to the same moral standards as an adult --- children learn how to connect to the self and others over time, narcissism is normal in certain parts of childhood. An abused child may become overly empathic, or they may go the other way where they become disconnected from emotion. They might oscillate between the two states depending on what helps them survive. The whole point of childhood is to be given the grace to learn and make mistakes, the support to feel safe, the approval of the true self, to have a healthy example to guide them, and to grow. Kids can be given behavioral boundaries of right and wrong without having to crush their sense of self or inherent worth.

[@vanessas2363]

Really good comments.im also a female that's a survivor of narc abuse within the family system.im very damaged

[@learningenglishthroughtran8540]

I respectfully disagree. "It is completely understandable for a child/teen to struggle with dysregulated anger and sensitivity to triggers in response to a lifetime of targeting." I don't believe this. An old guy/woman/disease-related emotional changes can all cause emotional issues. Not just children. It is like saying that I am an adult but I can have unregulated anger because I am treated like that as a child. Everybody is once a child. But like other people, your life is full of risks, too. Everybody struggles one way or another. And you cannot say that I am once a child. You cannot say that because you have to function in the society. It is not pathologizing. You have to grow like everybody else. Likewise, it is not a gender issue. Trauma is not unique to females in the family. It is like saying that hey only children need empathy. Men do not need it. Homeless adults do not need it. Homeless people need the grace to have a sustainable life, too. Slum dwellers need that, too. They do not lose their genuine self because they live in slums. Homeless people need healthy ways to grow. So does everybody. Those who kill are once abused children, too. Prisoners locked in the jail all over the world need to have a self of inherent worth, too. I don't get it. A lot of people live very rough lives. Too many. Not everybody has inherent self worth. Too many do not. Go to sweatshops. They are children, too, who are paid little to be seamstresses. Which children are we talking about? Not all children are the same. I always feel strange that as a child I am giving a lecture to the world about how to help me grow my "true" inherent self like you cannot have control over your true self. Somebody destroys your worthy self. If you let others control your inner world, that is a problem.

[@Tony-gh8gg]

Damn thanks needed to hear this. Grew up w narcs my whole life n my main thing I’ve always struggled w is anger thanks for making me not feel insane like my family does.

[@imapandaperson]

@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 I think you misread my comment ---- nowhere did I say that it is OK for an adult to hurt people or leave their dysregulated anger unaddressed, I specifically said "in adulthood it is on us to find ways of regulating so we don't hurt people." I hold adults 100% responsible and accountable for seeking help and doing the work to not pass on their trauma. But holding children up to an adult standard, particularly when that child is being abused and needs support, is partially what leads to narcissism, cptsd, bpd, depression, anxiety, etc., in the first place. Children and teens deserve support and guidance and loving boundaries, not to be shamed or pathologized for how they survive their toxic family systems. It is possible to hold space and empathy for our inner child AND be accountable for our actions as adults at the same time.

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

@@imapandaperson There you go. Bingo!

[@marabudd4670]

More of the covert examples too…devaluing with dismissiveness, mocking, passive aggressiveness… I find it easy to steer clear of the grandiose narcissists but the covert ones always sneak up on me… It’s a hidden insidious meanness that got me

[@Tony-gh8gg]

I think it’s the hardest when ur family is this way. Cuz my whole life I didn’t realize I was living w narcs n always thought I was insane lol

[@dabbler1166]

...and then, there's the people who try to act calm and say they just "honestly disagree" with you but....as you get some alone-time and mull over the last 6 months, you realize.......wait a second. Nooooobody disagrees THAT much. There must be more going on. But, they simply deny it....and there you are, til the next time they just "happen" to disagree.

[@msr1116]

I'm close to retirement age and have lived a lot of life. People have gotten worse and worse over my lifetime, and have really spiralled downward since the 1990s. Divisive, overemotional, bossy, defensive, overly suspicious, argumentative for no reason, unpredictable moodiness....you name it, I've run across it. One job, I worked with a middle-aged guy who instigated crap with four colleagues for no discernible reason whatsoever. At times, a normal conversation was impossible to conduct, and we never did find out what the hell was wrong with him to make him this way.

[@Tony-gh8gg]

@@dabbler1166 yeah my entire family it’s like I could show them something is empirical fact and they’ll still say I’m wrong. I could make 10 million tomorrow and they’d somehow find a way to deny it

[@debmccafferty1007]

Yes, I ended a call one time with "You have a mean streak."

[@moniquejackson7741]

This new series rocks! The term Narcissist is being weaponized and misused, and this clarification is critical.

[@andrewcombe8907]

This comment rocks. Everyone sees narcissists everywhere! It’s “Witch” of Salem, Mass in the 17th c.

[@moniquejackson7741]

@@andrewcombe8907 Unfortunately, as Dr. Ramani says, there ARE narcissists everywhere. These great videos help us identify them more accurately.

[@andrewcombe8907]

@@moniquejackson7741 no they are not everywhere. Narcissists are about 1% of the population. So no they are not everywhere!

[@annikamin1637]

Absolutely love this video. We really need to be able to differentiate. I would also love a series on “green flags” as opposed to “red flags” so we can tell when a relationship seems healthy instead of only looking for the potential signs of abuse. I think that can also be hard to differentiate.

[@MegaMARLEEN1]

Oh yes, let's also talk about green flags, I can't wait.

[@PositiveGlows]

I think Green flags show up when the red flag isn’t present

[@annikamin1637]

@@PositiveGlows problem is, everyone has *some* red flag(s). It’s a pattern we need to look for, but even then, sometimes there are minor red flags that don’t necessarily mean a relationship will be abusive or toxic. No one is perfect.

[@DiamondEyez456]

Yes!! 👏👏

[@phoenixrising8007]

It’s when we paint the red flags green that’s unhealthy. We need to pay attention to the warnings taking heed instead of ignoring/denial or rationalizing.

[@brendaholmes72]

I appreciate watching your videos. I knew, early on, that my Ex was narcissistic (therapy is great) but I really didn't know what that meant. I slowly got rid of "friends" that were toxic but I didn't realize they were narcissistic until after watching your videos. My mother was narcissistic but I keep making excuses for her. Now I can see how being raised by my mother trained me to accept narcissistic people into my life. I keep meeting them and wonder why... I thought I had a sort of magnet. Now I realize there are a LOT of narcissistic people in the world.

[@specialtwice4975]

My estimate: -6% of the General population has npd -6% of the General population has aspd (In lower income communities I've read somewhere it can be as high as 12%! 12%!) -3% of the population has bpd -2% of the population has hpd

[@danitaminer6863]

It's all in determining if the behavior is situational or pathological. 🤗

[@NevsTechBits]

The internet really needs you to do more videos like this. Everyone says everyone is a narc these days. It gets thrown around so much it is losing its meaning.

[@andrewcombe8907]

Very wise. My wife dumped me after long marriage because she watched these damned videos. I see a lot of conflict due to pop psychologists like Dr Ramani.

[@b.w.6535]

@@andrewcombe8907 Interesting. I grew up in an extended family with several personality disorders (some had actual diagnoses.. like the aunt who fought tooth and nail to do the the eulogy for her sister and ended up debuting her new single instead. "Check me out on Instagram!") and she's helped me immensely. Something tells me that you're seeing yourself from a very biased source... yourself. I mean, here you are blaming the fact that you got your ass dumped on internet videos instead of reflecting on your own behavior. It couldn't be *gasp* your own fault. *makes fart noises in your general direction*

[@andrewcombe8907]

@@b.w.6535 no it was Dr Ramani. I’ve been deep into therapy since and I’m not a narcissist. Hard working, extroverted and devoted to family yes. Narcissist no.

[@pocahontas4583]

@@andrewcombe8907 a lot of narcissists are extroverts. That part of the personality has nothing to do with it. There’s another video where Dr Ramani details how often the most charismatic people are narcissists. She touches on it here in this video. Perhaps your wife saw things that made her realize what she was dealing with and that it was never going to change. Therapists aren’t always good at detecting it either.

[@tokyomurillo4443]

Love love love when Dr Ramani does these videos to clarify and give examples of what is and is not necessarily narcissistic behavior.

[@TinaLouise73]

Dr Ramani u are the gold standard of MH therapists! U are empathic caring understanding and genuine! A LIFE saver especially for a victim of a lifetime of abuse and persecuted targeting by hateful evil ppl and their nasty narc attitudes towards me.Thank u.x

[@HermesNautico]

"If people loved themselves, [...], I don't think there would be even religion". That is very brave to say in the US. I appreciate it!

[@PenninkJacob]

I think the defining characteristic is "the one-way street" (of spiritual/life energy)... ❤❤❤👍👍👍 (that's what makes narcissists "bad")

[@cupcake0480]

Thank you for this. May we have more on covert narcissism? The stonewalling, the passive aggression, the silent treatment, the sullen negativistic manner, the insane sensitivity to anything approaching constructive criticism etc..

[@nicolamills8003]

My life with him!!! Yes.. All those things. Text book. Lol 🇳🇿

[@jackidezell3401]

YES we need A LOT more on this!

[@psychadelicccc]

Yes pleeeaassseeee. Need more clear info on covert narcissism! I feel like it’s the scariest kind because it’s more unassuming and confusing.

[@Bpdbryan]

Really looking forward to this series. it will help people not only stop questioning themselves, but for them to stop using the word narcissistic for anything they see in someone they personally don’t like. Nuance is always key.

[@annikamin1637]

Yes yes yes

[@aparsons6495]

Yes I question myself often! I needed that reminder.

[@michellelynn]

Yes

[@nataliaalfonso2662]

It’s truly so sad to see the wonderful fact that this type of information is being shared be co-opted by people completely misusing it. Often it’s narcissists themselves projecting narcissism on everyone else. It’s like a terrible vicious cycle.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

I totally agree, too many people walking away from people who said or did one thing wrong, too cowardly to talk it out

[@barb7124]

Learning about narcissism is ruining my life. I was happy to stay in denial thinking one day he will love me. This is breaking my heart to know I was never, ever anything but a means to fill his needs.

[@maha_sage]

Aww shuks... But ignorance is not bliss because ignorance is not a permanent state. Sooner or later the truth will prevail. Accept this babe. Lots of love...

[@drea4195]

Yes, it's like you got offered the red pill for the first time, isn't it? You had no idea how it would change your world, until it did. Know that you are not alone, that it is not your fault, and that there are a a lot of us out here who empathize and are rooting for you. God bless.

[@anonomoussomeone429]

Copy-paste of what is said in the comments - worth taking a look. The Context + thoughts behind action [are most important]! With this channel and Dr. Ramani's book, she gives many nouns (traits) regarding what Narcissism is and scenarios to correlate the (traits) with actions to help you identify narcissism. This video is important, but Dr. Ramidi did not articulate the position well because she gave more scenarios and correlated them with traits, -) but then implemented context and thoughts to show that the person was not narcissistic (without the context + thoughts, they would be labeled as narcissists). Example: Powerful rich man goes to a poor diner, eats, and does not tip the poor waiter which is usually common practice. Traits: Lack of empathy, Grandiose, entitled, lack of guilt, projection, greedy, emotionally cold, cheap, unpredictable (even tipped UPS driver), takes advantage of others, engages in 'Schaedenfraude', careless. Context: You are on a date with a man, who is very very wealthy and occupies a powerful position in his job. He brings you to a cheap diner and you eat with him and have a normal chat. After the meal, he doesn't tip the waiter and leaves with you. Thoughts behind actions: The man went to a cheap diner as you both were traveling to his house and he wanted to stop somewhere he used to visit as a little kid. (you don't know this unless you asked) He knows that the tips he would give out would only go to the waitress instead of the cooks and other minimum wage workers in the restaurant so, he does not tip out of equality, instead, he donates a lot of money anonymously to poor charities which distribute the donations amongst the poor. He tipped the UPS driver because the tip money for UPS drivers all go towards a charity as they make 25$/hour, which is considered not poor (and the boyfriend knows this). Key takeaway: it's very important to know the context and thoughts behind actions, to question these factors will more likely identify a narcissist instead of just making conclusions. in my family there is extreme turmoil as my brother (minor) is convinced that his mother and almost everyone in his life is a narcissist through this channel (uses as evidence) but doesn't really know the thoughts behind the peoples actions and the context of incidents and just makes conclusions. -) Grandma, mother, cousins, coach, president are narcissists. Dr, if you see this - this should be a video topic. You likely put a lot of people out of bad situations, but this should really be explained (I scanned your videos and read a portion of your book and did not find this articulated in the brief videos I watched and titles I looked at). Thanks.

[@calizero8503]

I know what you mean and it is hard. Refering to your profile picture you are still young. Imagine yourself finding out about all of this when you are in your 60ies or 70ies, with years and years of hoping, hurting and trying to do anything to win his love over. With no effort at all. But with the knowledge that you have wasted decades of your precious time. And then what. What would you do then? Or maybe someday from now on he will eventually discard you because you grew old or because whatever. And will leave you shattered to pieces. Ignorance is not a bliss. It is a burden. Because you still have all these nagging thoughts beneath it all. Look, I know how hard this is. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and found out that almost every relationship I was in was with a narcissist in some shape or form, some subtle, some more extreme. I´ve come to that realization 4 months ago and it is life changing. And life shattering. And that means a lot of hurt. It´s like swallowing the red pill. Once taken you can never be put into the matrix again. A new journey starts and this might be frightening. But this journey leads to yourself. And from that basis I belive anything is possible.

[@riviclaye615]

Unregulated anger can also come from CPTSD--Not just Narcissism.

[@rmr1300]

The symptom criteria for CPTSD sounds like an excellent description of narcissism 🤔

[@riviclaye615]

@@rmr1300 Some symptoms overlap, but CPTSD and Narcissism are VERY different.

[@zivadiva]

@@riviclaye615 can you explain more

[@pocahontas4583]

Childhood CPTSD could probably lead to adult narcissism.

[@drea4195]

I try to identify *traits* that are narcissistic, rather than identifying a narcissist per se, at least in situations where I don't know someone well or I generally have very little context. For instance, behaviors that can suggest narcissistic tendencies, but do not necessarily prove that a person is a narcissist -- seeking validation on social media (could be marcissism, but is certainly a form of insecurity, which could stem from many other causes than narcissism -- and also just loneliness), oversharing (may also be from loneliness, poor recognition of social norms/social awkwardness, etc), recalling/recounting things incorrectly (may or may not be deliberate on their part, they may have genuine memory issues or even trauma -- you have to look at context and the bigger picture over time to determine if they're gaslighting). You' are spot on, Narcissism is a term that can get (and has been) overused if we're not cautious with it. Deniers may have some valid points about all the amateur/self-styled experts popping up and calling everything Narcissism. Instead, when speaking to people who haven't "woken up" to this issue just yet, maybe it's better to focus on pointing out red flags, toxic situations and relationships, unacceptable tendencies and behaviors -- and leave the term "narcissism" out of the conversation, until they're in a place that's ready and open to recognize it for what it is. Thank you doctor!

[@anonomoussomeone429]

Facts! Copy-paste of what i said in the comments The Context + thoughts behind action [are most important]! With this channel and Dr. Ramani's book, she gives many nouns (traits) regarding what Narcissism is and scenarios to correlate the (traits) with actions to help you identify narcissism. This video is important, but Dr. Ramidi did not articulate the position well because she gave more scenarios and correlated them with traits, -) but then implemented context and thoughts to show that the person was not narcissistic (without the context + thoughts, they would be labeled as narcissists). Example: Powerful rich man goes to a poor diner, eats, and does not tip the poor waiter which is usually common practice. Traits: Lack of empathy, Grandiose, entitled, lack of guilt, projection, greedy, emotionally cold, cheap, unpredictable (even tipped UPS driver), takes advantage of others, engages in 'Schaedenfraude', careless. Context: You are on a date with a man, who is very very wealthy and occupies a powerful position in his job. He brings you to a cheap diner and you eat with him and have a normal chat. After the meal, he doesn't tip the waiter and leaves with you. Thoughts behind actions: The man went to a cheap diner as you both were traveling to his house and he wanted to stop somewhere he used to visit as a little kid. (you don't know this unless you asked) He knows that the tips he would give out would only go to the waitress instead of the cooks and other minimum wage workers in the restaurant so, he does not tip out of equality, instead, he donates a lot of money anonymously to poor charities which distribute the donations amongst the poor. He tipped the UPS driver because the tip money for UPS drivers all go towards a charity as they make 25$/hour, which is considered not poor (and the boyfriend knows this). Key takeaway: it's very important to know the context and thoughts behind actions, to question these factors will more likely identify a narcissist instead of just making conclusions. in my family there is extreme turmoil as my brother (minor) is convinced that his mother and almost everyone in his life is a narcissist through this channel (uses as evidence) but doesn't really know the thoughts behind the peoples actions and the context of incidents and just makes conclusions. -) Grandma, mother, cousins, coach, president are narcissists. Dr, if you see this - this should be a video topic. You likely put a lot of people out of bad situations, but this should really be explained (I scanned your videos and read a portion of your book and did not find this articulated in the brief videos I watched and titles I looked at). Thanks.

[@smallperson7522]

Thank you Dr Ramani, really pleased you did this video. I think most of us who’ve suffered narcissistic abuse start analysing everyone else around them and questioning whether these people are narcissists too just by the one or two traits they may have. By unfairly labelling people as narcissists you can end up distancing yourself from them when you shouldn’t. Thanks again for doing this video…🙏🏼

[@anonomoussomeone429]

Facts! If you want to check out what I said in the comments, I pasted it here; Copy-paste of what i said in the comments The Context + thoughts behind action [are most important]! With this channel and Dr. Ramani's book, she gives many nouns (traits) regarding what Narcissism is and scenarios to correlate the (traits) with actions to help you identify narcissism. This video is important, but Dr. Ramidi did not articulate the position well because she gave more scenarios and correlated them with traits, -) but then implemented context and thoughts to show that the person was not narcissistic (without the context + thoughts, they would be labeled as narcissists). Example: Powerful rich man goes to a poor diner, eats, and does not tip the poor waiter which is usually common practice. Traits: Lack of empathy, Grandiose, entitled, lack of guilt, projection, greedy, emotionally cold, cheap, unpredictable (even tipped UPS driver), takes advantage of others, engages in 'Schaedenfraude', careless. Context: You are on a date with a man, who is very very wealthy and occupies a powerful position in his job. He brings you to a cheap diner and you eat with him and have a normal chat. After the meal, he doesn't tip the waiter and leaves with you. Thoughts behind actions: The man went to a cheap diner as you both were traveling to his house and he wanted to stop somewhere he used to visit as a little kid. (you don't know this unless you asked) He knows that the tips he would give out would only go to the waitress instead of the cooks and other minimum wage workers in the restaurant so, he does not tip out of equality, instead, he donates a lot of money anonymously to poor charities which distribute the donations amongst the poor. He tipped the UPS driver because the tip money for UPS drivers all go towards a charity as they make 25$/hour, which is considered not poor (and the boyfriend knows this). Key takeaway: it's very important to know the context and thoughts behind actions, to question these factors will more likely identify a narcissist instead of just making conclusions. in my family there is extreme turmoil as my brother (minor) is convinced that his mother and almost everyone in his life is a narcissist through this channel (uses as evidence) but doesn't really know the thoughts behind the peoples actions and the context of incidents and just makes conclusions. -) Grandma, mother, cousins, coach, president are narcissists. Dr, if you see this - this should be a video topic. You likely put a lot of people out of bad situations, but this should really be explained (I scanned your videos and read a portion of your book and did not find this articulated in the brief videos I watched and titles I looked at). Thanks.

[@andrewcombe8907]

Truth. Narcissist is the new false sexual Assault allegation.

[@jackslapp9073]

Glad you pointed out the differences between narcissism and confidence, ambition, assertiveness, etc. I have also noticed that there are people who are either confused or have been taught (perhaps brainwashed), to stereotype some ambiguous behaviors as narcissistic or arrogant and use it to wrongly shame people. That itself can be a form of gaslighting. For example, I have known people who mistake shyness for arrogance. They see the behavior of being reserved, staying to themself, holding back, not socializing with others, etc. as the same behavior as that of a snob with their nose in the air and who ignore people they look down on, or won't associate with people they view as beneath them. I have even seen people be shamed for being modest and their modesty was characterized as "pride," because they were hiding or keeping their body a "secret," and secrets were viewed as a sickness in the AA cult. The usual response to modesty was, "What makes you think you have something special to hide." It was a reverse form of body shaming. Secrets were also viewed as a sign of guilt, so by associating modesty and privacy with secrecy, pride, and guilt a person could be berated for covering themselves since it was viewed as the behavior of an arrogant person who thought they were above, or better than, everyone else, and was trying to hide the thing they were proud of, their body. Or, they were guilty of something and trying to hide it. Shame was dealt with similarly. Shame was categorized as pride as well because shame causes people to keep secrets and hide their guilt. The contradiction here is that the AA cult then attempts to shame the person for being ashamed. Of course, to the cult it is pride they are being shamed for because shame is pride, and thus you end up with a circular form of reasoning to try and escape the contradiction of shaming people for being ashamed. In other context I have seen a person who was brave enough to put his name on a book about a subject that was usually kept hidden because of persecution, then be accused of arrogance and wanting to make themself famous since other authors had published similar material anonymously. But, what was being ignored in the accusation was the fact that the anonymous publications were anonymous for fear of persecution, not humility. And that, the anonymous authors could never be held responsible for what they published. Unlike the accused author who was being persecuted for putting his name on the book. The main key is that of using shame and manipulating language and meanings to violate boundaries. It is the violation of boundaries that is the goal of the narcissist. Confident people don't need to violate boundaries and don't view boundaries as rejection the way narcissists do. The shy people protecting their boundaries, and the snob that uses rejection may look similar, but the motive is different. Narcissists hate boundaries and try anyway they can to tear them down. Trying to shame you for your boundaries is the most common tactic I have experienced, other than the usual lies and two-faced deception used to gain your trust.

[@andrewcombe8907]

Unfortunately the cry of “narcissist” occurs far too often thanks to videos and social media!

[@aurea.]

By AA, do you mean Alcoholics Anonymous? Also, as a shy person who covers herself up because of body image issues, I'm speechless at the boundary breaking you described. Who thinks like that?

[@jackslapp9073]

@@aurea.. Yes. I mean Alcoholics Anonymous cults. However, that doesn't mean all AA groups or programs are run like a cult. I am only referring to those AA groups that use the program for the purpose of turning it into a cult. Narcissists think like that because they hate boundaries.

[@af3893]

Yes please define appropriate anger 🙏 so many survivors feel anger but feel like they're the monster if they express it

[@musicjunkie2k]

Great day to everyone!

[@phyllisjunemillerjohnson15]

I would love your illustration on how loving ourself looks and feels. Love this series. You are true North

[@sabeaniebaby]

5 years ago, when I was 45, my therapist at the time told me she figured my mother was bipolar. At this point I had not yet figured out that it was narcissism and I clearly lacked the clarity to identify her patterns of behaviour and/or the vocabularity to properly convey these patterns. But this assumption of my therapist's sent me down a very wrong path of trying to (incorrectly) help my mother as opposed to focusing on my own healing. That is just starting to happen now. I haven't had a therapist fornthe past 4 years and am now on a waiting list.

[@lucyt-c8092]

maybe hook up with one of doctor ramanis ‘ programs ? or follow the links that dr les carter has ?

[@ElliciaDawn]

Thank you for doing this video. I was going through a depressive spell, remembering a time when two people in my family called me a spoiled brat for refusing to do something I wasn't comfortable with because I felt like I'd be intruding. That combined with some things a friend has said made me start thinking I was pretty selfish. You saying it's okay to skip things occasionally for your own needs is okay was the reminder I needed.

[@angellarussell196]

It's about time something like this came out. Social media is filled with "narcissist memes" and posts about narcissism. It has become a buzz word. Every break up seems to be because the other party is a narcissist while the posting party was only vulnerable because they are empaths (the other buzzword). In reality, most break ups are good people who just weren't right for each other. Or sometimes the other party was an arsehole... but that does not mean they are a narcissist. While information is good, this diminishes the damage that a narcissist does. And confuses people unnecessarily. I remember my youngest coming to me at about 21 and telling me he thought he might be a narcissist. His reason? When he saw news reports about tragedies other people lived through, he couldn't muster up deep feelings of sorrow for strangers on the news. And he felt all this self confidence... he thought he was awesome. This kid was about as far from being narcissist as you could get. He wanted to fix the world - and tried to take far too much on himself. In terms of the sorrow he felt for strangers, he was a normal 21 year old male. Empathy comes from being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and relate to them. A 21 year old male isn't going to understand the devastation of something like, say, a school shooting the way a parent whose mind immediately goes to "what if that was my child" would be able to. This is normal. I told him that he was most definitely not a narcissist. When he insisted that he was certain he must be - and I just didn't see him clearly, I directed him to a description of clinical narcissism. After reading that, he told me "Well that doesn't sound like me". No. No, it does not. I wish people understood what they were saying more when they made these kinds of statements.

[@andrewcombe8907]

These videos on social media may also be relationship wreckers.

[@seanmatthewking]

@@andrewcombe8907 Why don't you take responsibility for your own relationship?

[@witwisniewski2280]

Lack of that 'pressure' and 'weight' I feel around people with personality disorders make healthier people instantly charismatic, a relief.

[@suzanneflowers2230]

So well said as usual, Dr. R! People throw the word narcissism around like the word Christian. You have to get to know the person below the surface to ascertain whether the description is accurate. Social media doesn't allow for this with certainty.

[@brittanyv]

I'm a little late but I wanted to say that this is really helpful. I think when we've been in relationships with narcissists, we are often told we are "selfish" for not meeting their many demands. My ex was EXTREMELY good at cutting me at the knees when I was already down, and then punishing me for having a reaction. It was a never ending cycle. And when I'd react with anger, I was called unhinged. When I reacted by withdrawing into myself, I was called neglectful. When I spoke about myself, he would get annoyed that "I always bring it back to myself." When I did ANYTHING for myself, I was selfish and I wasn't thinking about him. I left the relationship really internalizing all of these things he said about me. I honestly thought I was the narcissist for months. I actually found your videos around the same time he dumped me. I really ran around thinking I was the worst person ever. After many months, I realize now I was reacting to an intense amount of emotional abuse and his constant badgering. My patient nature was eventually obliterated. I was exhausted and angry. I have learned by now that it's not totally my fault. He is a narcissist to a tee. He needs constant attention, has even said himself that he needs an audience (and I've seen his rage when he doesn't get that doting audience). He is completely motivated by the attention he gets. He is an artist, and I think when we got together, the commitment he had to have to me and not his "audience" or fans made him very resentful of me. It was like I got in the way of the supply that really mattered to him. I was supportive, but I became old supply. I would get jealious because I knew deep down, my attention would never be enough. He constantly raged at me for not being able to read his mind. I was always made to feel like a bad lover, or a bad partner. To this day, I still wonder if I was really that bad. I tried with what I had and it was never enough for him. I could never be big enough, or important enough, to matter to him. He used me as a prop for a while, until that got old, and then he was done with me. So I appreciate this video. It helps survivors see that they are not the narcissists, because narcissists love to project. And by the time they are done with you, you will have lost all identity and hope, and you will end up feeling as empty as they do. So thank you for this. I reallly really appreciate it so much.

[@GreenspudTrades]

I think this is how a lot of people end up unknowingly letting a narcissist into their lives. Some of the traits of narcissism can actually be positive personality attributes when applied in appropriate settings - such as confidence, boundaries, charm, conscientiousness about self care or putting off a good image. However, it is only when you get into that relationship that you start to realize something is off about that person. But by then when you start realizing the person is toxic and harmful to you, you are are already stuck in a job or a marriage or some other social arrangement that's costly to exit.

[@Dani-cg9hn]

@Green I learned the key is: pay attention to our self. The more we know our own self, the more we know how to treat others and teach others/ how to allow others to treat us, as Maya Angelou said, RIP. Our minds, are excellent sophisticated piece of equipment that tell us like spiders 🕷 senses. The issue is: we are so conditioned from childhood to ignore this sensitivity, that we refuse to acknowledge that which it is telling us, unless it is a red hot stove and still we place our hand on it and burn it, sometimes. But our minds do tell us. We are not ready to receive / process the info. Many therapists, say almost each person tells them they mostly remember when they ignored the signs. Except, some of us, don't recognize a narcissistic person because we have lived it an entire life so don't have any other point of reference. It's like asking a fish 🐠 to describe the water 💦.😆

[@vickiegroome3220]

Dr Ramani you blew the lights out on this one

[@stuzz3511]

Another AMAZINGLY explained video!! 👏❤✌

[@debrarogerssilvey3909]

January 16th Capricorn here! You're right about people. Not really understanding you but once you get to know me man I'll have your back forever!

[@lowings848]

I thank you Dr Ramani. After an experience with someone like this, many behavior traits can look a lot like narcissism when it isn't. Context is important.

[@anonomoussomeone429]

Facts

[@andrewcombe8907]

The danger with these damned videos is people believe there is narcissist behaviour when it is isn’t and can make drastic decisions based on KZbin videos.

[@lowings848]

@@andrewcombe8907 Agree, that's a major risk. But, many people who are in dangerous situations don't have access to a sound board, or a professional to help them navigate. That's why I love that she made this video, to help people identify what narcissism is not. So that people take caution not to make important decisions about situations if all of the variables aren't accounted for. Taking responsibility over the advice she gives, don't you think?

[@MegaMARLEEN1]

I love how much u commit, Dr Ramani. Thank u.

[@dorothynegri9924]

Thank you for all you do. Looking forward to this series. 💞💪🏻

[@nilgiridreaming]

Thanks Dr Ramani. I always feel a surge of confidence when I hear your talks and read the sharing here.

[@jamesjames1364]

As always, you are the best! Thank you for the help that you are giving to others. You are bringing light and hope to a very dark and difficult situation. 😉

[@katararose8724]

Thank you Dr. Romani. I think it is always good to have a clear idea of what is and what is not narcissism with it being such a vast topic. There are so many avenues that this encompasses that it's always good for a refresher. I'm always trying to make sure I'm not in error because that is the last thing I would ever want is to think someone is when their not. Thanks for clarifying.

[@WhstlblwrBlastingEpsteinsPals]

Thank you for clarifying the diagnostic differentials! Good stuff! You're a national treasure! I'm so looking forward to having time to do your program.

[@chiefchongabong2995]

Thank you for all of this info you bring to your channel. It really helped me understand what is happening in my marriage. The vulnerable narcissist traits in my wife really came to light after recognizing patterns you explained.

[@menotyou6254]

It wasn’t the spooky when the lights went out it makes us realize how much set up and everything you put into getting to us you’re appreciated thank you

[@JT-lt5gr]

To me, this is one of your best videos (as it gets a lot of information across and addresses questions that I didn't even know I had). This was extremely helpful. I can't believe that this is a year old and never showed up in my recommendations until now.

[@lasphynge8001]

Thank you Dr Ramani, this clarification/reminder is very precious to me because these are almost ALL things I tend to hold back from for fear of being/reading as narcissistic, selfish or toxic... and I think it often holds me back from doing what makes me happy (things that wouldn't hurt others ofc).

[@kellybitela7129]

This was amazing!!!! I love your analogies!!!! Thank you so much for all the work you do to help us!!!!

[@lindamcwilliams9056]

Another spot-on video. Very in-depth yet very easy to understand and comprehend. Narcissism 101.

[@alcidesfy]

What I love about your channel is that because you answer real questions from the community, you're able to not just retread the beaten path, but to point out things to us we might have missed. It's because of your work and dedication that we are able to grow, and refine our knowledge.

[@MegaMARLEEN1]

Finally this video. A real wow one 👏 Hope this helps people not to judge too quickly, too fast and get furious. But instead get to know the persons first, watch and then and only then recognize this so damaging patterns. Damaging for themselves at the first place. I think kind of non narcissistic persons have love, know those feelings and how much good power they bring. Love is a motor that gives out of the blue and just doesn't measure. On the contrary, I think narcissistic personality styles live in fear, a constant fear and therefore a constant unnecessary fight to kind of prove who they are. This, I think is also a motor, but a very exhausting one and it needs a lot of fuel (supply) to keep it going. I think they even hide from themselves, and specially from their human condition and feelings. I just think this is my favorite video of all of them, and we should make more of this kind of eye opening and realistic videos on this topic, to avoid confusing a non narcissistic person from a narcissistic personality. I just can't wait for the next one.

[@reelfly]

Thank you for this breakdown Dr. Ramani, people are using this word as a common demoninator for everything they don't like about a person and I'm sick of it. NPD is very serious and the effects can be detrimental. I wish people would educate themselves rather than just saying things because it's the trendy thing to do.

[@kimborampage]

Armchair psychologists

[@mariellegreer2485]

I have a suggestion. I would like clarification on "Reactive Abuse" versus "Narcissism". Also, I am starting to think that "devaluation" is possibly the most toxic component of narcissism. What do you think Dr. Ramani? Thanks!

[@mollycote1021]

Thank you Dr. Ramani, your videos help me so very much! I’m in the process of getting out. It has enraged him. Looking forward for freedom!!! 🙏🏼

[@cygnelle1232]

I love how I allllways learn or relearn something from your videos. This one was particularly helpful. In my current stage of healing, part of me is still at that place where the drawbridge is up and my walls are built sky-high. I'm just finding it so hard to trust a lot of the time. So in that sense, this video was wonderful in helping me retain perspective that the pepperoni doesn't mean I need to immediately cut and run. It's just something to notice and remember in case the other pizza ingredients do start showing up. This was also immensely helpful in the point you made about putting one's needs first. My biggest inner conflict in doing that has always been this feeling that I'm emulating the narcissists in my life, since they always put especially their wants first, oftentimes at the cost of really hurting other people, never mind inconveniencing them. Putting my needs first feels like such a pepperoni behaviour, but this was a wonderful reminder to un-gaslight myself and remember that I am not acting like an aspiring narcissist, that there's no pizza with me, and that just having the pepperoni, in this case, is healthy and necessary.

[@labany7421]

Thank you very much for this video. Very much needed. Emensly valuable. I am so sick of living and breathing narcissism. It is very soothing to focus on what is not narcissism and what is healthy. Thank you Dr. Ramani and your team for your efforts ... I am sending you lots of love ❤️ ☀️

[@jessicagullo7004]

Why is it you just described me in every way I thought narcissists weren't self aware? I'm proud to be different being called a narcissist is not an insult to me

[@entrotlek]

Thank you Dr. RAMANI for this series. With all this narcissist information online. It seems you can't sneeze without second guessing if you or someone around you is a narcissist. I really get stuck on doing things for myself. I read that this is setting boundaries but I worry constantly that if I have to say no to friends or family that I could be acting narcissistic. Its a relief to know Its ok to rest and say no.

[@GeorgideMarne]

Being firm and direct and having boundaries is definitely not narcissistic. On the long run is most healthy actually.

[@skyscraper5287]

Every time I watch your videos, I feel better. It answers all my questions about why I was trapped in the thought that I did not do enough to keep that relationship. It was never my issue but his. Thank you Dr. Ramani!

[@mariohamilway3521]

Thank you Dr as always! This is a topic that's still giving me lots to think about everyday. It's been years since I "woke up" by now, but I still go from being 100% sure that my friend who wants constant praise and is always pushing on my boundaries is a narcissist one day, and being a 100% sure that I'm just being mean and too generous with my labeling the next. Same for my mom who has always had a reputation for being a very kind, empathic and self-sacrificing person but I now only see as a (bad) liar and painting herself as a victim to manipulate others. I learned not to accuse anyone of anything out of trial and error, and try my best to just assess whether someone's narcissism, no matter if pathological or not, is going to harm me and only use this information for myself, but I feel crazy when I'm so sure I've got it figured it out one day, and wondering if I'm really the horrible person the next day, for not taking my mother's illness for real for example.

[@mtn9883]

I want to change and stop being a narcissist. I remember you saying that narcissists can put on a fake persona in public, but once they are home/in private, they show their true selves. I want to genuinely change who I am deep down. Not just keep my fake persona 24/7. Is it even possible?

[@DS40764]

I'm so glad you are discussing this topic (specically what N is and isn't) and putting it in everyday context, that we can understand.

[@mariellegreer2485]

Thank you Dr. Ramani for this very good youtube. It helps me a lot because when I started studying about narcissism ... I kind of was seeing it everywhere with associated fears. Now, we all know paranoia is not a good idea. After all people are people. But placing things in the right perspective, and in context taking into account the ''globally'' is so helpful in discernment. I tend to get lost in details sometimes. So, this youtube, offers very good tips to help me be more grounded. Also, I must admit, some of these had me worry that I was a narcissist. After all, these are ''human traits''. Good News: I am HUMAN! I like that! Thank you Dr. Ramani! God Bless!

[@orielwiggins2225]

Survivors of long-term or repeated narcissistic trauma, especially in the early stages of recovery/ healing, who have mustered the courage to take a brave step of attempting to heal by loving themselves enough to try to surround themselves with better people and find empathy validation and support, may choose to be vulnerable and share their stories of suffering and tragedy. These folks can often be mistaken for and accused of being vulnerable narcissists and treated as such. This this can be particularly painful and retraumatizing for the survivor, especially those whose wounds come from the more hidden styles of narcissism (communal, spiritual, covert/vulnerable, etc). Extra Discernment and humility is needed.

[@frau_ic]

No. 1 clear criteria for me is that narcissists try to make you feel personally responisble for their feelings and behaviour, aka their open or covert projection.

[@callanrose]

this is the one i wish was already uploaded when i was first sifting thru ur channel last year

[@katscheib8332]

Everything you say is a gem of wisdom! Thank you for this new knowledge.

[@aaA-on3ie]

Thank you Dr. Ramani

[@garycordle5295]

Very good information as usual, thanks Dr RAMANI 💯

[@enzoonymus3084]

Thank you Doc. You're the best!

[@nataliaalfonso2662]

Hahahaha I had to immeidately send this video to my good friend at about the 5 minute mark. She had survived so much adversity and a terrible marriage to the MOST pathetic insecure narcissist, who of course, always accused HER of being the narcissist. She was the breadwinner, raising the child, getting more advanced degrees, doing everything herself and moving up through the corporate ladder after coming here alone form Russia with nothing. She is of course a Capricorn 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@truespeaker7328]

Ty. A real clinical psychologist, professor , researcher and expert . Besides some interviews with Otto Kernberg's group and recorderd lectures/seminars this channel is the one reliable source of accurate information. I hope these other people dont cause too much harm with their misinformation.

[@adriandowningiii8395]

Thanks for this. Definitely needed out there. Narcissists always live in an alternate reality where they are first and foremost. There are actually ultimate whatever occupation you can think of, but usually the ultimates are busy doing whatever and not talking about it non stop. Narcissists are always great at talking about how great they are but then you usually see them talking about it but almost never see anything actually being done by the narcissist that resembles what they talk about. Hypocrite, know-it-all, braggard (bragger, braggart), and so on (with other words that narcissists want removed from the English language as 'bad words'. If you don't include the negative and only include positive, you will posolutely absitively miss the boat at some point)...

[@goldenviolet]

Thank you for this video. Know thy self is the best advice, and remember we are not on this planet alone.

[@anonomoussomeone429]

The Context + thoughts behind action [are most important]! With this channel and Dr. Ramani's book, she gives many (traits) regarding what Narcissism is and scenarios to correlate the (traits) with (actions) to help you identify narcissism. This video is important, but Dr. Ramidi did not articulate the position well that she was describing. She gave scenarios like normal and correlated them with traits, -) but then she implemented context and thoughts to show that the person was not narcissistic (without the context + thoughts, they would be labeled as narcissists). Example: Powerful rich man goes to a poor diner, eats, and does not tip the poor waiter which is usually common practice. Traits: Lack of empathy, Grandiose, entitled, lack of guilt, projection, greedy, emotionally cold, cheap, unpredictable (even tipped UPS driver), takes advantage of others, engages in 'Schaedenfraude', careless. Context: You are on a date with a man, who is very very wealthy and occupies a powerful position in his job. He brings you to a cheap diner and you eat with him and have a normal chat. After the meal, he doesn't tip the waiter and leaves with you. Thoughts behind actions: The man went to a cheap diner as you both were traveling to his house and he wanted to stop somewhere he used to visit as a little kid. (you don't know this unless you asked) He knows that the tips he would give out would only go to the waitress instead of the cooks and other minimum wage workers in the restaurant so, he does not tip out of equality, instead, he donates a lot of money anonymously to poor charities which distribute the donations amongst the poor. He tipped the UPS driver because the tip money for UPS drivers all go towards a charity as they make 25$/hour, which is considered not poor (and the boyfriend knows this). Key takeaway: it's very important to know the context and thoughts behind actions, to question these factors will more likely identify a narcissist instead of just making conclusions. in my family there is extreme turmoil as my brother (minor) is convinced that his mother and almost everyone in his life is a narcissist through this channel (uses as evidence) but doesn't really know the thoughts behind the peoples actions and the context of incidents and just makes conclusions. -) Grandma, mother, cousins, coach, president are narcissists. Dr, if you see this - this should be a video topic. You likely put a lot of people out of bad situations, but this should really be explained (I scanned your videos and read a portion of your book and did not find this articulated in the brief videos I watched and titles I looked at). Thanks.

[@wyioughta]

Nice light change for ambiance for the cheater portion of the vlog, impacting, and insinuating, the shady characteristics of the last topic. On point Doc Ram! Like always. Thank you for the continuing support through these mini sessions of info. They do major work.

[@bodybalancer]

crying with relief from this vid and the comments 🥺 survived narcissistic parents, and recently had / escaped a narcissistic encounter that left me feeling lower than I have in a long time. But its comforting to see some people understand some of these traits doesnt = narcissism, & that anger is also a normal human emotion we feel when we sense injustice, and/or dysregulated anger can be a result of CPTSD - but i guess a big takeaway for me here and the big difference maker is whether or not someone has empathy. I can at least give myself credit for that. It took me a long time to establish healthy boundaries with my Mother (which unfortunately mean no contact for me) and it was a very slow, long, agonizing process & i didnt go no contact until recently & im 36. It wasnt until the end of high school I was able to learn to verbalize to ask her to STOP DUMPING ON ME! She used to use me like a therapist/best friend on one hand & then her scapegoat/whipping boy on the other when she was in a mood no reasoning with or talking her down, and she could be physically abusive too. I was always walking on eggshells around her, and I did love her and i felt sorry for her, she was truly a miserable and kind of pathetic person and no fun to be around. I didnt want to hurt her feelings, and for the longest time, i was more concerned with any/everyone else’s feelings BUT my own. My first boyfriend I was with for 5 years i have come to realize was also probably narcissistic on top of alcoholic. And during that time in my young life I got basically no real guidance or support from anyone despite seeking out counseling already at that young age- the therapists i saw were useless, and my parents so self absorbed & involved in themselves and their own conflicts, plus trying to be honest or vulnerable with them I knew would just bring more stress onto me bc they were controlling- so i mostly all the way through college kept my biggest struggles to myself and felt very alone in dealing with them. I can’t lie, since this most recent dating experience getting my hopes up and not having felt strongly about anyone in such a very long time, then it turning out so quickly to be unhealthy and triggering for me, it really shook me. I thought i had moved much farther past all this already. It has shaken me and made me really question and feel a bit hopeless that I will ever be able to find or have a healthy, loving relationship and not attract and be attracted to people who will only reopen old wounds. I’d rather be lonely and even a bit chronically depressed but relatively at peace, VS be upset disturbed and drained by another energetic vampire like these types who thrive on conflict and lack empathy- the ones who will basically do hurtful shit, on purpose, they KNOW its hurtful 🙄 they’ll play innocent or claim to be sorry or even say oops sorry i guess im a dick i can’t help it- but they fucking know exactly what they’re doing- then gaslight you and even parrot you when you call them out- they will put you through an absolute MINDFUCK- have you questioning everything about yourself you’ve worked so hard to heal from- id call out the gaslighting & even told him i think he’s a narcissist and he’d latch onto anything i called out and throw it back in my face and accuse me of the same shit- just an absolute total mind fuck and exhausting and just degrading and downright dehumanizing is what it is. Im still so tired. Its been the past 2-3 weeks ive been dealing with this slow agonizing breakup. He’s been hot/cold, Jekyl/Hyde, pushing & pulling away just to reach back out and toy with my emotions further and tell me he misses me and then right back (in the same day/ week/ or even span of a few hours!!!!🤯) to just push me away again right away and repeat the same tired excuses and go back to blaming me or my anger/temper/issues as the reason why he can’t show up or doesnt care to reconcile. Its been absolutely exhausting. Been napping a lot lately.

[@eetchooarn]

Great video! Thanks for the clarifications Dr. Ramani.

[@katelist8367]

WOW, you said some profound stuff in there, especially about how the world could be if lot of folks LOVED themselves! We should have figured so much of this as humanbeings by now. Sad, but we starting to atleast recognize it as a society more now days. I just hope it continues to become more understood. People often say they recognize and understand narcissism, but so many really do not. It takes a while and lots of research to " get it ".

[@nickullery9406]

Another great video, hopefully this helps diffuse some of the trends that will inevitably be set due to lack of understanding of the topic!

[@daleswain9520]

That answered a lot of questions for me... and helps me to relax a bit when I see those traits, I was beginning to think the world was full of narcs more than "normal" people. Thanks again... very informative! Looking forward to my road trip to Tampa today so I can listen to the podcase in its entirety.... 💗

[@rushellepeterkin3768]

I needed this. My birthday is today and Leos get a bad rep for being selfish/self centered/self loving. someone tried to call me a narcissist recently but apologized because they knew they were just mad at me at the time lol

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Happy birthday 🎈🎉🎂

[@andrewcombe8907]

I’m a Leo and my wife labelled me a narcissist after watching these damned videos. She didn’t talk about the positive things I did for the family which are Leo - loyal, hard working, protective of the family and selfless. Dr Ramona owes a lot of apologies. The current social obsession with “narcissism” is toxic.

[@rushellepeterkin3768]

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 thank you

[@seanmatthewking]

@@andrewcombe8907 Her goal is clearly to educate people. But some peolle will always misunderstand. So if people are mislabling people narcissists, that's not the fault of the educators. So why does your wife think you're a narcissist?

[@dabbler1166]

This video should go a long, long way to clarify narcissism. I lloovvve this what-it-is and what-it-isn't type of explanation. Very clear. Informal. Real-life examples. Great job! The Pizza analogy, that pepperoni by itself isn't narcissism was good. Mentioning that being confident isn't automstically narcissism was also good. I bookmarked this video. Excellent for future reference.

[@bountybreaks]

I was just weighting the yays and nays of what constitutes narcissism, when I woke up this morning. This video was pretty good timing! Thank You!

[@anonomoussomeone429]

Copy-paste of what i said in the comments The Context + thoughts behind action [are most important]! With this channel and Dr. Ramani's book, she gives many nouns (traits) regarding what Narcissism is and scenarios to correlate the (traits) with actions to help you identify narcissism. This video is important, but Dr. Ramidi did not articulate the position well because she gave more scenarios and correlated them with traits, -) but then implemented context and thoughts to show that the person was not narcissistic (without the context + thoughts, they would be labeled as narcissists). Example: Powerful rich man goes to a poor diner, eats, and does not tip the poor waiter which is usually common practice. Traits: Lack of empathy, Grandiose, entitled, lack of guilt, projection, greedy, emotionally cold, cheap, unpredictable (even tipped UPS driver), takes advantage of others, engages in 'Schaedenfraude', careless. Context: You are on a date with a man, who is very very wealthy and occupies a powerful position in his job. He brings you to a cheap diner and you eat with him and have a normal chat. After the meal, he doesn't tip the waiter and leaves with you. Thoughts behind actions: The man went to a cheap diner as you both were traveling to his house and he wanted to stop somewhere he used to visit as a little kid. (you don't know this unless you asked) He knows that the tips he would give out would only go to the waitress instead of the cooks and other minimum wage workers in the restaurant so, he does not tip out of equality, instead, he donates a lot of money anonymously to poor charities which distribute the donations amongst the poor. He tipped the UPS driver because the tip money for UPS drivers all go towards a charity as they make 25$/hour, which is considered not poor (and the boyfriend knows this). Key takeaway: it's very important to know the context and thoughts behind actions, to question these factors will more likely identify a narcissist instead of just making conclusions. in my family there is extreme turmoil as my brother (minor) is convinced that his mother and almost everyone in his life is a narcissist through this channel (uses as evidence) but doesn't really know the thoughts behind the peoples actions and the context of incidents and just makes conclusions. -) Grandma, mother, cousins, coach, president are narcissists. Dr, if you see this - this should be a video topic. You likely put a lot of people out of bad situations, but this should really be explained (I scanned your videos and read a portion of your book and did not find this articulated in the brief videos I watched and titles I looked at). Thanks.

[@ravenwing8842]

Bravo Doctor Ramani, you didn’t even blink when the lights went out and never missed a beat. You’d have been a brilliant theatrical actress. Oh, and I never rolled my eyes. This video needed to be made, I was getting self conscious and questioning of some of my traits which are on your list. Xxxjools

[@katewardd6081]

That line “love is the opposite of narcissism” hit me in the gut. I can’t quite pinpoint why. Maybe it’s that this week I’ve been unpacking what it means to love and be loved.

[@dadhyanna1808]

Thank you Dr Ramani for this video. ❤️

[@NA-ud6qm]

Thank you. Having videos that clarify "what is" and "what is not" is excruciatingly important to the general public. Without these types of videos, we would just be running fearfully thinking everyone might be a narcissist. In the words of computer programming (machine learning, I think): "I guess if you ran around with only a hammer, then I guess you would think everything around you is a nail"

[@christinelockhart5764]

Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[@maracummings9767]

Dr Ramani, thank you for all this amazing information!

[@stitchlightly5995]

You have the same birthday as my dad! No wonder I feel so comfortable taking in the knowledge you share

[@Subspace._tripmine]

This video helped me right now. I've been wondering if my journey into healing, and finally reaching my confidence is now a sign of me becoming narcissistic. This video answered my silent thoughts and questions. I'm a narc survivor. I don't want to be a narcissist. I've been ambitious since I was a kid, and was knocked down repeatedly. Now in my 50's I finally feel free and want to spread my wings without being controlled. I hope it doesn't come off as narcissistic. I just finally want to fly, and I'm focused. I care about people a lot. I've just had to put my child and me first for a bit. There have been times when I've felt it was necessary to speak my mind to let people know that they are making me feel uncomfortable or that their behavior is pushing against my boundaries, and they respond as if I'm a narcissist for sharing those feelings, something I used to not do at all when I was younger because I was taught not to say anything. Now I have learned to make my boundaries clear, and some get mad. So I still wonder in silence if I've gone too far. (I'm still learning to be firm, not flimsy.)

[@isabelkelly7717]

Thank you always for helping me/us to grow in understanding ❤🌏

[@kangletu]

That’s a very important content. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani.

[@ElleriaZer]

This sounds super helpful. I'm looking forward to it.

[@Molly-eq1ix]

Thanks for the insights. You're so good!

[@nikkinorton8310]

This is the best one yet! I First learned about narcissistic behaviors on a couple of sites, The Bully Online and Out of the Fog. When you first read it and you are empathetic the first thing you do is look at some of the traits and wonder about yourself. Just like in nursing school when you're going through psych and even health diagnosis you think hmmm, do I have that? If you have fleas, you don't advocate for your fleas. You correct them. Triangulation was one that I fixed, which did cause some other problems. Boy I had no idea about what happens when you stop playing narcissistic games! But at the point I read about narcissistic traits, my brain was mush, and I was looking for answers. I was self blaming all over the place. I blamed my husband's affair on myself and started taking corrective action on myself. I quit a job I loved to work days, thinking that was part of the reason. He was loving it. I was enabling him and seemed to have created a monster. So the question then became, in my self blame state, am I creating Narcissist with my behavior? As I learned more, I realized that my self blame wasn't helping. It was creating monsters. I'm a comforter by nature. It seems to me, that if everyone around you is comfortable that life is easier for all. But what I didn't realize is that some people are only comfortable in control and abuse and feel happy when someone else is hurting. I really didn't have any Idea that people could feel that way except in movies. So was I narcissistic for thinking every one thought like me? IDK. But that's one point that I wish everyone did think like me. It was the Zig Ziggler I was trained with in high school, and it's beautiful. It's just not realistic.

[@munchiekins]

I agree with your comforter paragraph. It took me time too to realize that some people enjoy the tension and pain even if they might be in pain too..the world is so hopelessly tangled. take care of yourself out there

[@hennisincoff502]

I think contempt of others is narcissistic. Weekly I look into the eyes of my narcissist parent & the contempt she feels for me is palpable. It's so strong, I'm extremly uncomfortable & divert my eyes from having its gaze upon me..

[@kevv5044]

Thank you Doctor. This video really help me understand NPD better. I worry about my daughter and the relationship she has with her mother. The mother checks every box.

[@veedem2506]

You read my mind! I'm so glad you posted this Dr. Ramani. I love your videos so much because i have seen so much narcissistic behavior in my life with out the knowledge to identify it. However I'm worried I will go on a narcissistic witch hunt and dismiss otherwise decent people as narcissists when they may just be acting like a jerk sometimes.

[@timegoesby7068]

I'd like to watch a video about narcissism as colateral effect of other mental issues. Thank you Dr Ramini and her team for the great work

[@AnaBrigidaGomez]

In many cases the narcissist uses their lack of care about their appearance as a sign of superiority too so totally true that caring about how one looks doesn't mean you are a narc.