Does It Matter If the Unfaithful Spouse Came Clean on Their Own or Was Caught?

[@eventhere2788]

My husband came forward because he had gotten an STD and wanted me to get it checked. I was so devastated. The affair happened 20 years ago and we have worked through that. But the emotions still come up periodically. Even today though I've forgiven him there are times I feel completely frozen and unlovable in spite of his reassurances. Doesn't happen often but it's like a wave of grief that appears out of blue. We can be fine for a time then it comes and I try my hardest to keep the I over the E about this (intellect over emotion).

[@ivywildwss]

Thank you for sharing this. I found out in 2023 about two affairs, 2004 and 2010. Their in HIS past, but they're MY present trauma.

[@eventhere2788]

​. I'm so sorry 😢 I hope you are doing OK. It's he doing the work to be safe? Was he truly sorry?

[@bridgetb9899]

My husband won't come clean even though I have evidence. It makes a difference.

[@valenciarobinson3231]

My ex didn’t admin this affair but was willing to do work and very remorseful after discovery.....and still cheated again. I wasn’t able to reconcile after discovering 2 more affairs. Divorce is painful and awful but staying with a person couldn’t be honest with me was awful too. It’s a challenging season.

[@ladylove34]

That is the fear i have when thinking of staying with my husband. However, I realize that the unfaithful's decision to cheat again is completely separate from the first, in that they have made a NEW decision to repeat past behavior. And, if that happens for me, I can make a new decision to leave without regret of the earlier decision to stay.

[@ladyvirgo013]

I'm experiencing this now. NOT fun and very messed up

[@CMarieG]

Before even watching this I can tell you, having had it both ways (my ex was caught so to speak, my husband confessed) - it DOES NOT MATTER HOW YOU FIND OUT, Trust me it hurts THE SAME.

[@mickey9650]

This is so true. My husband was exposed by getting cancer. He was scared so he told me of one incident and even that was a half truth. Later found out the cancer was from a STD from oral sex and he had to give more half truths. He said the right things for a very short time and strung me along pretending to want restoration. It was not until his feet were held to the fire and he would have to give me a full disclosure with a polygraph he was out of the repairing process. Judge them by their actions is all the betrayed can do. Talk is cheap. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Betrayed you are worth being loved and pursued. Don't cut yourselves short.

[@adahaydeeliriano4279]

mickey wow, sorry to hear your story. Praying God heals you heart. ❤️ if you don’t mind me asking what kind of cancer he had from STD I just never heard of something like that? I hope your doing okay. God bless you.

[@c.j.9248]

Such a great statement where you said, "Betrayed, you are worth being loved and pursued." It has been nearly 5 years since I found out about my wife's 2-year emotional affair and, even though she says she is trying to change her heart and fall in love with me again, I have not felt loved or pursued by her in over 7 years. No spiritual, emotional or physical connection, just roommates (actually been in an in-house separation since August and no sex since January 2019). Not sure why I am trying so hard by myself to save this almost 26-year marriage. I just pray daily that God can restore our covenant vows.

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

Yes there's always an exception. And we're not as powerful as God. Only He can forgive in such circumstances.

[@mng8667]

What if they only came clean because their affair partner told them if they didn’t that the affair partner would out them ?

[@ikedolby6842]

“The dividing line is what they do after they’ve been found out.” Well said, Samuel. Can you address in a future video the incredibly damaging effects of multiple D-days and trickle truth?

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi there. thank you for the suggestion. we did a video with MJ Denis on that subject and no one can do it better than her: kzbin.info/www/bejne/d2SxiJV8pdRnpsU kzbin.info/www/bejne/ioqqdadrpNOcptU

[@CMarieG]

YES. This. After confessing my husband still, 5 months later, has trickle truthed other affairs randomly, saying he "forgot" until that time, even though multiple scenarios I mentioned during the first D day were actual things he did, but he feigned ignorance when I brought up that point. The excuse of "I didn't remember" has been a very painful experience. Especially cause I asked specific questions, about specific situations and specific women, only to hear him adamantly say, "No, I didn't do that", but then later he "remembered" that he did. Sam, what do we do with THAT?!

[@lucyroo3889]

I am 2 years in. He hasn't made any consistent effort whatsoever. Unfortunately divorce is better then living like this.

[@amandacarlile8976]

):

[@brightpage1020]

That, too, is a brave choice. It’s a bad situation, but hopeful that you’re standing up for self respect especially when your spouse either can’t or won’t stand up for you. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m also grateful for your courageous shares. Thank you

[@Aitechmanagement]

I’ve been feeling this way for three years about my fiancé, but we have a newborn together and my other child not her father loves him. I grew up without my father as he was an rcmp and pilot and was killed in the line of duty. I don’t want that and can’t have that for my children.

[@snoob1674]

Cant say I've reacted in any fashion that I would've assumed before Dday, but somehow was open to reconciliation. We agreed that all options remain on the table for 90 days, then decide whats next. I realize now all options never even made it to the table. Actions speak loudest. 12 weeks post Dday she shows almost zero signs of change. She talks a big game, never starts or finishes any of the plans. Samuel nailed it on the head, if you don't see them hitting the ground running to "repair" what is possible, take the hint and know they do not love you. C'est la vie!

[@melissapsikal421]

I can relate. I'm sorry.

[@brownbrain505]

Same here brother! New wife today, Old wife tomorrow. Just can’t string together a week of happiness!!

[@amandacarlile8976]

I needed to hear this. Because my sons father had been caught rather than manned up to tell me, I felt the betrayal was even worse than if he were to disclose it on his own. It hurts from various angles, especially because I was pregnant with our first child when he had the affair last year, and he had been selfish in the relationship before that, yet I still had faith it was just a phase and would get better, only to be met with more selfishness with having an affair. I'm still healing, and its been very hard. While I do not care for the anniversary of disclosure, I am hurting now as this is the time when the affair began and I was pregnant and happy without a clue

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm so sorry for your pain. thank you for your kind words and i hope you're able to find healing for your pain and hurt. our website is filled with support for the betrayed. i know it's awful and i'm so glad you're here.

[@davetimmer5149]

15 years of lies about an affair, then she slipped up and she was caught. Can't come to grips that it wasn't multiple affairs.very very hard to take anything she says as truthful anymore.

[@ianreed7605]

Does it matter....in my opinion yes. However, is it likely that an unfaithful spouse will come clean......no. Because it’s human nature to not want to be caught.

[@adrynf]

This was helpful. I’ve always resented the fact he had to be found out, 3 years after the A ended, instead of him coming clean on his own. I did question if that was a huge factor in us being able to reconcile. TT doesn’t help, though I’ve only had a small bit of that. I say this on every video, but man infidelity really sucks.

[@hwasik1566]

Gotta disagree. Telling on your own shows remorse. It was a decision that was made to make the right decision and stop the lies. Not that it means we can't mess up, I agree.. Once you cheat relapes can always happen.. But telling the truth because you decide to means you wanted to do the right thing on your own. This video takes away the fact telling the truth is what makes and breaks relationships and doing it on your own shows you understand you were wrong and ready to take responsibility. When you get busted, you only tell because you have to, at least at that moment. I understand after the fact you may want to come clean, but you never felt bad enough to risk telling the truth before.

[@alainajay]

He would have never told me. He "broke up" with her and she messaged me telling me everything, with screenshots. I would be sitting here blind if not.

[@ianreed7605]

Alaina Lana K snap.

[@camato726]

Alaina Lana K Wow what did you do? Leave him? Stay? Did he admit to it?

[@offroadchixrule]

He was active in his sexually compulsive behavior (sex/porn addict) for the previous 17 yrs of our 28 yr marriage when I caught him. He admits he would still be acting out now had he not been busted. He still does NOT come to me on his own when he slips up. I have had to pointedly ask him, "Are you....? Have you done...?" 😥

[@jensbornagain]

I think in it would have made a difference in my marriage. It would tell me he had guilt about what he did. My husband actually said he didn’t even think about me. His affair was 2013 to 2015 Nov will be 2 years since I found out and I am still so angry the lies in hear don’t know how to get through this. I been in therapy for 6 months and no better not coming clean is killing me. keep finding out things he has done that he lied about. Stripv clubs top less women on his bike. Dating sites etc. how can we fix anything with more deceit I’ll never trust him again and I have built a wall lie by lie that isn’t coming down not sure if he realizes what he has done he will not discuss anything

[@VioletRaze]

He cheated August 17th, 2019. His Affair Partner messeged me two day later in the early morning of August 19th. He swore he was going to tell me later that day, but I'll never know for sure. Later on in therapy, he at least admitted that although he hopes he would have told me, he'll also never know for sure if he would've come clean on his own. I appreciated the honesty, but damn if it didn't still hurt.

[@dianevasquez5630]

Samuel can you do a video on the unfaithful ending the affair before the betrayed finds out? My husband and I go in circles about whether or not he deserves any kind of credit for ending the affair before I found out and my argument is that it never should have happened in the first place. Thank you so much for all that you do at affair recovery. I honestly don't know how I would get through the day without your videos.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you so much for the suggestion.

[@juju10683]

You two need to decide whether or not the relationship is salvageable and go from there.

[@shayneff6422]

@@samshealingpodcast I'd love to chat with you, I've been unfaithful, no sex, though, I need someone to chat with, I have no one. :(

[@agma19]

Samuel - I appreciate your candid responses to who knows how many messages from people who want to have a "diagnosis and prognosis" of their situation. This is very similar to when we deal with serious medical diagnosis and the patient's main questions is "how long will it take to get better?" Unfortunately, the physicians may not have a response that is accurate or pleasant to hear BUT they are bound to let the patient know both best- and worst-case scenarios. We have to face both realities. Confront the current situation with all the hope and faith that we can work through this devastation well but with the knowledge that it may take longer than we'd like to it. As awful as this is, we will gain some very valuable character traits through enduring. This is what we call: Wait on the Lord.

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

Amen. Thank God!

[@wendyburns2737]

My husband came clean. He said he couldn’t bear the guilt anymore. I would have never found out on my own. It was a one time thing. After thinking about it, I was so very Angry at the fact that he hurt me on purpose to make HIMSELF feel better by telling me. I suffered so much after that. I would have never found out had he not said anything. Looking back now at the the pain I suffered, I honestly would’ve rather of never of known. Ignorance was bliss.I was actually more hurt by the fact that he chose to relieve himself of his guilt. But on the other hand a part of me was happy he told me because he couldn’t live a lie. I can tell you that it hurts on multiple levels. It’s a double edged sword. Either way I was hurt by his incredibly selfish actions, 1) because he cheated and 2) he told me About an affair I would never have known about.It wasn’t until I had these videos to help me heal that I healed at all. I eventually forgave him.

[@dan-lansingmi9169]

I believe it is so selfish for the AP to even confess willingly to the Betrayed as it puts the Betrayed in a position to live the rest of their lives with depression, self-doubt, daily triggers etc.

[@j.huffhumble4281]

Sam , thank you for the awesome videos ! I feel in this scenario , it’s all about forgiveness ! If the unfaithful does the recovery , it still depends on the decision of the betrayed ! I think that’s amazing because in the end we are all imperfect human beings and this nightmare called infidelity proves it ! The power of love + recovery work can change anyone if they want to heal ! I heard a negative person tell me one time “ leopards can’t change their spots “ I remember thinking 🤔, we aren’t leopards , we’re human beings; and human beings change every day !!!!!!

[@AJ-ls7tn]

OH MY GOD. I have NEVER heard anyone explain my thoughts so perfectly

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you for watching and sharing my friend. appreciate it so much.

[@GuernseyBoys2]

A question I have is do they deserve any credit for confessing on their own and what does credit even look like? I'm struggling because I'm being told some credit is deserved for confessing and that it was only emotional, never physical. And it took her a long time to accept that it was indeed an affair. I still had to take anger when I demanded she end it immediately and block the person from all social media and her life period. She was upset she didn't get to say the good bye she wanted to and even did some back and forth the next day with the AP anyway. So, what does credit even look like if its deserved?

[@zelinafrost]

What about the unfaithfuls who only come partly Clean? Emphatically, righteously, humbly, authentically... only tell as much as they suspect have been busted for and are good with that? Could you talk about them? What does that tell you about the odds of recovery of that marriage?

[@samshealingpodcast]

it happens often. i'm sorry that it does and i'm sorry if that's what has happened to you. here is an article on it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell ive discussed details a few times in regards to infidelity and hope you can find insight to your own path.

[@BrianaTucker-po7bv]

This is video I've been looking for because I found out it wasn't confessed. Thanks so much for this !

[@jmmr77845]

Unfortunately my case is one of the most painful betrayal. Just 2 months ago, my husband of 19 years of marriage came clean about his latter-realization-sex-addiction. It felt like a nuke knowing that 19 years of your best years meant nothing for his alleged "addiction" (e.i, asian parlors; prostitutes and ex-skank gf's) during our entire marriage. Only "stopped" because of a stroke which paralyzed him his entire left side. His stroke and my added last- wish if you will, to please tell me what happened to him particularly 7 years ago -before the stroke- he acted our and I kicked him out of the house (11 years of marriage then) So, was it "on his own confession"? I don't think so. He also owned that if he wouldn't suffer the stroke, he couldn't/wouldn't stop. I am in the middle of processing all this and feel empty begging and bargaining with God to please take me home.

[@rosannarivero2863]

This is hard to hear. He chose the AP after she became pregnant. He never even apologized and blamed me for it. No closure.

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm terribly sorry.

[@camato726]

Wow I’m so sorry. Just know that he blamed you to try to justify what he did. Know also that none of the choices he made were your fault- his choices had absolutely nothing to do with you.

[@CMarieG]

Okay, watched it... I have to say right off the bat, thanks Samuel. Thank you for doing this work. Second, I'll say - my faith is a huge factor in deciding to stay. This season brought my husband to faith, and he says it was God who convicted his heart to tell me. He said he wrestled with God that morning, trying to bargain. "I'll stop God, just don't make me tell her", he said. He wanted to hide it even with that heavy weight that landed right on his chest at 5am, August 7th of this year. He said he would have given ANYTHING not to tell me, but that he knew he had to. It's been a hell of a journey since then, really, with revelations about his actions that span the entirety of our ten year relationship. He cheated on me on a work trip 6 weeks after we got our newborn foster son who was going through withdrawels from his Mothers drug use, when I was home dealing with CPS home visits, and visits to my now-son's bio parents. I was alone being a new foster mom, and he was out with another woman. Times like this that took EVERYTHING I HAVE not to lose my sh*t. Things that nobody should face. I think really, you nailed it that it's what you do, after. He is doing it, so I have hope, but man it's total crap to feel it as it goes.

[@christinezinnack6127]

Well said! Change must take place!! for trust and healing to happen!

[@dlewis4372]

I love all your videos! I’m so thankful you guys take time out of your lives to share this important information. It’s made a huge difference in my recovery as a betrayed spouse. Your videos helped get me through the day. God bless all of you 🥰

[@jasonbugznoll9250]

Thank you for this, I really needed this today!!!

[@jomaanne4970]

YES! Makes all the difference on the relationships destiny

[@nickfrantz4075]

I'm struggling right now. I confronted my wife 4 days ago. Emotional, stexting, future fantasy planning affair with an old ex that she says never got closure. On the surface she is hanging out with me, but I don't know if she stopped it. Trust is gone, I want to save the marriage, and her image to others. As a result I have no one to talk to. I reached out for my own help, and I also had to initiate couples therapy. She said she's been unhappy for a while and I'll agree we had unsaid issues. But she's giving me no hints in the direction that she wants to go. I fear she will not try. I still have three days until my first session and we have 5 days until our first session together. My burning unknown question is how long is 2 long for a response. We've been together for 10 years married for five and have a three year old. My birthday is in two weeks Christmas the following and our son's birthday the following. This is the worst and I fear I will never recover.

[@TacticalDrummer]

I've given my wife dozens of opportunities to tell me the truth about her cheating. She cries, or gets mad and denies it with every thing she's got!! She will not tell me the truth at all cost. The longer the lie goes on, the more damage she is doing to herself and to every single person in her life. I don't know how any one will ever trust her ever again, I never will. She is to good of a liar.

[@HereIam-sv7eu]

I honestly think it does not matter. If a persona does not want to change, they will continue the affair or will ask for divorce. Getting caught is often done on purpose by the betrayed spouse as a cry for help. They want something to happen in their official relationship ad they are very goofy as to how to bring up the issue, so instead of confessing they get caught. THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING, THE TRIGGER. Whatever happens after the revelation of the betrayal is a series of CHOICES that have not all the same outcome. Some cheaters let the situation settle and put the mistress on hold and then start everything again after the spouse has "calmed down", others take advantage to dump the spouse or the mistress, others continue to cheat, but those who dump the mistress and are able to face the spouse's pain and distress and decide to go on therapy and make changes in their married life are as successful as those who voluntarily confess to the betrayal. Sam is an example of exactly what I mean and I want to thank him and his wife for their effort to not only feel better in their relationship but also for helping so many other couples affected by the pain of betrayal.

[@St.Irenaeus]

Samuel your bravery is inspiring

[@justinsnow3048]

My husband and I are a little over 2 years out and I still have troubles with triggers on occasion. It seems that we cannot put it behind us because there are new issues coming up all the time since he got the AP pregnant. Would you please think about doing a blog that talks about how to move forward when there is a child as a product of the affair?

[@samshealingpodcast]

yes, indeed, been trying to find a couple who is reliable and in great shape after the spouse's affair with a pregnancy. you can read cindy beall's book for more help on that and what it looks like.

[@tashainjena]

I found out... and often wonder how long it would have went on if I hadn't.

[@lavaughnmoore1891]

So, if you find out after 8yrs and only because a child came out of the affiliate, them what?

[@tracygallagher6716]

My husband came forward coz I want to know where the money all went .I backed him into a corner .. he stopped but at the end of the day 2 and a half years later with him the whole time in recovery . I just don't want him anymore .my love for him is dead

[@wishes8737]

What if they don’t heal but run, does that mean they don’t want you

[@samshealingpodcast]

not always...they may just be overwhelmed with shame and self hatred. they do need to pursue you and/or repair work for there to be any hope though.

[@marriesb1444]

My spouse was caught by me he looked like a deer in headlights.....he has disclosed everything and is still answeing my questions he said the AF was an escape from every day life and his childhood drama...hr said he is glad he got caught time will tell

[@johnthomasmoulton8934]

Nailed it

[@leticiabarnes9614]

Mine said he would have never told me.

[@Tlo21972]

Maybe I need to use the scroll bar and see if anyone else has brought this up yet, I thought with all of this there were supposed to be a therapeutic disclosure with therapists that are trained in sex addiction, and or porn addiction, partner trauma etc? I guess because of your situation it had to be that way? I don’t know, but I know what I’m going through, and my therapist gave me a book and we’re working through the book and we are going to have a formal disclosure with the therapists present.

[@juliepetulla9513]

Continued thanks!

[@madsonic13]

What if both?