Don’t Let Their Pain Control You: Mastering Your Reactions to Toxic People

[@HereIAm247]

What do you do with a higher status co-worker, who are super tight with the boss, and take her own shortcomings, stress and insecurities out of me? I have tried letting things slide, and talk as if she was talking in a normal voice. I have tried setting firmer boundaries. But she use her 'stress' as an excuse to doing it, she never apoligizes, and god knows what she is saying about me behind my back; I find that her attitude tends to rub off on the people directly under her. (I work with her, but not under her) I usually have a lot of patience, and prefer to pretend I don't her the tone. But I am just *done* letting things slide. She is twice my age, but acts like a sulking teenager when I (nicely) ask her to do things that is HER job. She gets twice my salary, and she have the leadership responsibility. Yet, she gets passive aggressive when I don't do her job for her. It is ridiculous and obnoxious, and I am frankly loosing faith in humanity...

[@PerryScanlon]

I'd report her to someone higher, if you think they will care.

[@adversityrising]

Gosh that sounds like such a tough spot to be in. I think the thing I really think about here is the idea of Radical Acceptance or learning to accept what is and is not in my control. I think it helps to first validate how you feel and what it is like for you to work with her and just let yourself feel those feelings. Then, determine what is in your control and what isn't and then work to not get stuck expending emotional and mental energy reacting to or trying to control the things outside of your control. You can control whether or not you tell her or someone above her how you feel working with her. You can control how you engage with her and the ways you set and affirm boundaries for yourself and your team. In this case, I think it is vital to be clear when you don't do her work to have everything documented in writing with your response, and how this is not inside of the scope of your job description. Not to be mean or be passive aggressive but for you to have clear, direct and documented communication. She will be upset. That is out of your control. But you can control how much space she gets to take up for you in how you videw and show up to work. And you can control if you stay on that team or even in this job. It is such a hard reality to know that someone is who they are and that only they are responsible for and control if they do the work to become something different. Thank you for sharing this here to help us think about and just give light to this unfortunately all too common experience.