Don’t Let Wounds of Neglect Trample Any Possibility of Love

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***
It’s common in our culture for people to sleep together almost as soon as they meet. And people act like that’s fun and easy, and only foolish people can’t handle it, or think it should be avoided, in favor of something better. So for people who grew up neglected and abused, there’s a contradiction - their attachment wound is crying for someone to love them and STAY and not leave, but the culture of casual sex tells them this is too much to expect. This doesn’t heal until you face it for real, so real love can grow. My letter today is from a woman a woman who has felt pressured to abandon herself and what she wants, so that she can have any tiny bit of affection she can.
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[@IamStreber]

I love the pure honesty on this channel. It keeps me honest and feeling of connection with others even though I don’t know any of you. Thank you all for being here.❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad!

[@Amy-po3hu]

I'm 70, live alone and feel very connected. my two cents is do the worlk NOW; don't wait. You don't want to be like me who understands herself, and her issues, but the opportunity is not there to be loved simply because of age and economics. Do you work, NOW!

[@IamStreber]

@@Amy-po3hu I have lived in fear for so long. I have decided to go back to AL-ANON. Just recently got the idea from an encouraging person I don’t know. I thought about going back a few months ago but I didn’t think I fitted in because I no longer have that addict in my life. But he is still connected because he is my daughter’s father. He isn’t in the picture. I am thinking of if I go I will be able to connect with people. I run into my sponsor from time to time. I will be off this week and I am planning on stopping by her office to see where the meetings are being held. I think I just needed a bit of validation and hearing another persons expectation of me to do this. I was doing DP this morning and found exactly what you wrote “do your work now”. Thank you, your response is keeping me accountable, and I need someone to tell me to stay responsible for my healings. Thank you 🤗 💕.

[@ddayene]

“He didn’t want to hurt you or he was a chicken” - he was a chicken. Most people are chickens when it comes to being honest about their feelings. That’s why ghosting is so common. Don’t be a coward, be straight forward with your feelings. That’s kindness. Sugarcoating and ghosting are not kindness

[@Liz-wz8dh]

Probably true. I think there is something about people who come off as deseperate that genuinely scares people as well. You just never know how desperate they are, why they're so attached to you so quickly or how far they're willing to go.

[@thomaswaffle5121]

I don't even need sex. I just want real friendships and more of a spiritual connection.

[@CarlaYangMadison]

And/or intelectual too. Its so discouraging for the needs of those who are creative or smart to have family and friends who are incapable of having interesting conversations to the point of not wanting to engage in conversation anymore

[@sugahoney89]

Same...

[@reelfly]

Same here.

[@93rp1]

@@CarlaYangMadison This is something I deal with. It feels like a sort of excruciating suffocation. Thank you for articulating it.

[@soph2878]

me too 💛!

[@christinelamb1167]

"Dating is not the same thing as sexual entanglement", "that's what dating is, to find out how this (person) makes me feel", These are the precious nuggets I got from this video!

[@alexokello7555]

It's natural that a man will understand what to know how to make a woman feel. A Woman who doesn't have key performance indicators to know whether what she is feeling is what it is. And whether she is getting it or not getting it?

[@tammygallagher976]

Self regulation is being true to who I am is a new thought for me.

[@Sljdmartinez]

This is new to me as well, but it's such a FREEING thought! I've had a lot of difficult experiences growing up, even as an adult, and because I couldn't always afford a therapist I turned to a lot self-help books, videos, tutorials, the Bible, prayer, and slowly found things that seemed to help me a little. A few years ago I knew that there was something more I needed to get past, but I wasn't really sure how to do it on my own, so I saw a 2 therapists. The first one was not empathetic at all and the 2nd didn't seem to have answers for any questions I had, or could at least point me in the right direction. But one thing I noticed with all of them, the therapists, videos, etc, was that I seemed to feel like I was "wrong" for having the emotions I had. Even though I had gone through so much trauma, and I felt that in order to be "normal" and "loved" by a future man or friends & family, that's why I needed to learn these techniques. So I could be fixed and attract these people to me. I NEVER thought of it as being something to help myself, that I was perfectly valid in my feelings because of what I've gone through. I know I need to work on myself and how I perceive others still, but these videos make me feel seen and valued the way I am now as well. I'm so glad that I found her channel and this community.

[@GTaichou]

Honestly I needed to hear this too. For so long I thought being better was being able to make my feelings go away, and she really hit the nail on the head - that was how I was raised, that my feelings were a burden, so I had to make them go away. I really need to sit with this phrase, because it's true. Sometimes these feelings are sensible, and I need to cue off of them to find what I need to do.

[@lorihoop3831]

Yes, the teaching that emotions are bad, and that you have to suck everything up and just "deal with it" is a cycle I broke although I am broken from it myself. I also broke the cycle of verbal abuse, even though I still feel the effects of that. Looking at myself mercilessly, I know I need to fix myself, and am working hard. You CAN do this, and so can I. I'm asking Jesus for help. He can do ANYTHING, and He has helped me in the past.

[@NECCO8001]

Me too! And I'll be 58 years old this Summer. Life is a journey, not a destination.

[@jac1161]

for me self regulation is controlling my emotional breakdowns when sensing threats of seeing the fake friend I knew from the start but the breadcrumbs were so good (and this is about a friend, not a lover, but it can start to lean that way....when we're so starved for love, affirmation, validation), would abandon me. What a trip!

[@buddyneher9359]

22:20 "Regulation is not a tool to shut yourself down like a drug" - another one for the wall plaque!

[@christinelamb1167]

Yes, this is so good! I am going to keep this in mind the next time I get triggered/activated. Am I really self-regulating, or am I trying to shut my feelings down to cater to someone else?

[@GTaichou]

Yup, putting this in my therapy journal too!! And as soon as I find a wall spot - it'll be on the wall as well!!

[@IamStreber]

Good catch. I am new to this and this is something to keep in my mind.

[@marcusschmaling9]

Yeah, that’s solid advice and reframing there!

[@sharon5259]

"You cannot honour, protect and heal yourself until you actually can feel yourself, and you quit lying about what that is so somebody won't leave you..." 🙌

[@tomtbi]

Amen!!

[@tammygallagher976]

Moving slow with relationships is smart. Before allowing a man to be into your body be sure he deserves you please.

[@tammygallagher976]

I have done this too. I tell myself the same thing. I love what the Crappy Childhood fairy says about this. We are all learning.

[@jeanieshank1433]

Wow this is an awesome statement!

[@Ingisen]

Before allowing a woman into your heart be sure she deserves you, men.

[@leelee8720]

@@Ingisenyou can’t get into someone’s heart on the first night. You can however get into someone’s pants on the first night. Big difference and you know it.

[@Ingisen]

@@leelee8720 How little you know

[@user-ur2wd8du4z]

I gasped as well when she said she invited herself!!! Girl!!!! No!!!

[@flower_14141]

That was creepy 😳

[@ddayene]

Yeah even a guy I like and want to have a relationship showing up by surprise that early would throw me off. But then again I’m the avoidant one 😬

[@flower_14141]

@@ddayene definitely, it would feel like a threat , stalker ish behaviour

[@jac1161]

@@flower_14141 stop, that's wound-induced.

[@valentinagomez1834]

Yeahh been there😢. One does behave like a puppy

[@deez4evs]

My goodness. I did this very same thing a few months ago. Including inviting myself over his house and labeling him as avoidant. The shame and embarrassment are real. And the more time that passes, I realize that he was really doing his best to be nice and polite. Yes, he should have established a boundary, but i can’t blame him for not knowing what to do. Especially since there likely was ***some*** interest but i likely quickly shut that down with my intensity. It also just kind of.. unfolded but my trauma totally blinded me. It felt like my eyes weee wide open but they def were not. Ugh. I feel Nora’s pain. The following weeks sucked mentally. It will pass. And let it be a lesson learned. Im not totally sure if I am healed enough to not do this again but hopefully it will never be that bad. Good luck to nora ❤

[@flower_14141]

We've all done that, I'm guilty of a needy and creepy behaviour as well 😬 but now I know better, I've learnt from my mistake and I won't do it again in the future for sure. It's really hard to see how we behave when we're driven by trauma, we do stupid, creepy, unattractive things to get what we want/ need...but once we realise that's inappropriate we can change that unhealthy pattern 😊

[@biondna7984]

I feel for her, and was almost as shaky in relationships. It sounds like her biggest challenge is just facing what she really wants, and sticking her neck out and saying EXACTLY THAT. I'm 70, and just starting to get good at this, while staying polite. It isn't easy.

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

I just spent the last 2 months dating a guy who would tell me what i wanted to hear but who’s actions told a completely different story, only for it to end this past weekend with me losing it at him at a bar in front of all his friends, spilling a drink on my friend because she was trying to stop me, being mean to a girl who had no idea what was going on because she kept talking to him all night and he was eating up the attention. I lashed out because I watched her ask for his number and him give it to her. I’ve felt sick to my stomach the past 3 days replaying the night in my head over and over. Wondering how he would do that to me. When we’d make passionate, intimate love, looking into each others eyes the whole time, to snuggle so tight all night/morning, waking up to him kissing my head and running his hands through my hair. Everyone wants to say “he just wasn’t into you” “you should’ve just seen he wasn’t interested enough” it’s usually not that obvious. At least the guy in this woman’s letter told her he just wanted things to be casual. There are men out there like the one I was seeing who are really good at lying to you, or maybe he was just lying to himself. I don’t know. But it was devastating and I’m making huge changes. I can’t go through this again. The biggest change I need to implement is holding off on physical intimacy. It’s so clear that the guys I dated before him who I didn’t sleep with, I easily walked away from and have no attachment to. I’m not a “cool girl”, I get attached with sex.

[@pythagorasnine]

You poor thing; that jerk really treated you badly. How bloody disrespectful to get cosy with a random girl and give out his number when he'd made you believe you were his girl-friend and was building deep intimacy with you. He's a moron and a cruel one. It's absolutely not your fault that you exploded. You had a perfectly normal human reaction to hideous treatment and emotional abuse, so please don't beat yourself up about it. I hope that whatever he does, you will never give him another chance. Thank him for teaching you what a valuable prize you are and how to make sure that only a guy who truly cares, respects you and is properly in love gets a date that ends in bed. Kick this one off to the curb and enjoy your singledom however long it lasts, because it's certain that you will meet your proper soul mate and have an amazing life. All you need to do is not waste your time and your energy on jerks. That's it; the rest is guaranteed. You are a stunningly beautiful (just took a peek at your pictures!), intelligent, passionate young woman - you will create the life of your dreams. All the best

[@flower_14141]

Not getting physical is the way to do it for me too, I even get attached after just kissing 😬

[@thankfulaB]

​@@pythagorasnineThis is on point. I hope she will listen. That was total jerk behavior on his part and cruel. To look her in her eyes during sex. And then to take a number from another person in front of her. Down right evil. 💯

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

@@pythagorasnineyou are so kind, thank you this comment really really comforted me. He is NEVER getting a second chance. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear from him because the last time I ended it, he kept trying to reach out. But if he contacts me, the only thing I’ll say is “never contact me again.” I’m so grateful he showed me what a POS he truly is, so I can move on without a single “what if”

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

⁠@@thankfulaBthank you. He did way more than just look me in the eyes during sex too… he called me his girlfriend on multiple occasions and told me he wanted to keep seeing each other long distance after leaving town (that was another mistake - he was only in town for a job for 3 months, I shouldn’t have gotten involved). False promises and lies. He told me that a couple days before this incident at the bar. He’s nasty and I just hope all his friends secretly thought so too. Obviously after I caused a scene, people knew what was going on. Hopefully they were smart enough to think “wow [his name]… shitty move”. He left town, he’s gone, and I am moving on.

[@margaretc5679]

I've been Nora. Hang in there. You'll find your way. ❤

[@jac1161]

Empathetic response which was beautiful vs "oh no, girl..." I've done this with friends, and it feels awful. I can imagine with guys, worse. Actually. I did do this with one guy - I was always drawn (it was sexy to me and it's sick oh how/why - the mystery....) to the silent (I thought they were more mature than me because I was told I was " too sensitive" ....by those who are stone cold...hmmm. I'm over that now, but still, hard to find good friends of likeminded. Thank you for your humility I sharing that.

[@lucastephen-sujdovic5090]

I think he was holding back for his own safety but this is a healthy thing to do if you have only seen someone for one month.

[@ThurmanD.Atkins]

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

[@VickiJ_Maurer]

I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??

[@DianaN.Mendoza]

Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Mary Theresa Gavin .

[@DianaN.Mendoza]

She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸

[@DianaN.Mendoza]

After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.

[@WesleyC.Thurman]

God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujah🎉🎉🎉♥️

[@loveyourmother5789]

This one stung a bit. I wish I could give Nora a hug.

[@kat_roses]

Oh boy Nora I've been there, girl. So glad you wrote

[@alexokello7555]

Mmmmh, and what did you do to get from there..?

[@kat_roses]

@@alexokello7555 started listening to Anna!

[@AbshiraAbdy]

Dear fairy Am not sure if you will see this comment but if you do I wanna thank you so deeply 😊 I have learned a lot and still ready to learn more from you, I love how you share stories from other people " i keep on learning new things every video of yours." If I get the chance to meet you I will hug you 🤗😊❤. I was traumatised by my narc sister for almost 10 years, and now that am far away from her am learning to heal day by day🎉. For others who are reading this; You can heal too, it is always never too late.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hi, just reading the comments as I do first thing each morning and thank you for what you have said! I hope I see you in person too one day (maybe you're near Sonoma, Austin, London or Boone NC, where I'll be leading in-person events in the coming months?).

[@jac1161]

I hear that one, but my narc sibling ring leader was protected, egged on and supported by the rest of the family. I learned to "be thankful" for breadcrumbs in childhood. Then, when I went to school, it happened there, and then at work, and the healthcare system too. One parent was silent when I was abused, the other parent beat me physically for crying about the narc's pain induction on me, so learned how to "lawyer" myself from youth, then became a nurse and oh boy..what a drug and an healing agent at the same time until I died on the job, and now I'm learning a whoooole lot about why every area of my life was intact, but...these. I'm glad you're doing better. I wonder where were your parents/caregivers and how they reacted to her narc behaviors on you...

[@lindsey2930]

This is perfect timing for my current situation.. I AM self sabotaging..I KNOW this and still did it I ended up lashing out a week ago... Friends with benefits is NEVER something I should torture myself with... I don't want a relationship with him... that's the crazy thing. I am learning that my traumaand abandonment/attachment is not compatible with a "casual" "friends with benefits" whatever label you give.... Such similar circumstances to this letter...

[@Highest_Priestess]

I don’t want HIM (he’s honestly not that great). I just want him to want me … so I can reject him.

[@markmattingly2929]

Keep on trying to fix you I've got a lot of experience with this PTSD and I'll try to help you if I can the main thing you have to do is set goals that are not too big or not too confusing and you really have to stick to them it's literally like going back to high school and make yourself want to get a good grade Don't go in for it and expect to get a d or an F and b on your way to healing cuz it won't happen You want to get an A or a b to make sure that you once you have the tools I don't know how to explain it once you have the tools that's great then you got to learn how to use the tools when you learn how to use the tools it's a game changer because there's so many things that she shares on this channel that I've done over the years I've been complex PTSD since I was a kid and you know I'm 62 so all I can do is offer people advice of what help me by the way I will tell you there is hope because I'm living proof seriously I have been through hell back back to hell and then back again but I never had any idea how to fix me and there's literally steps that you take that you must take mean like I started with dysregulation myself because it was the first thing that for once it started helping me cuz I was applying it I was using it I was using it repetitively and it helped a lot you have to be able to accept that your thoughts are thoughts that are not consistent with who you are because a lot of our situation with what we have in PTSD is that we've already lost the game we feel like we have as children I started seeing it as I did lose a lot of battles when I was a kid with my caregiver and I lost a lot and if you have the ability to say different things in different ways that helps a lot always put I in front of what you mean like I am going to work on my deregulation today I need to I'm going to work on my negative thoughts write your negative thoughts down that helps a lot right down when you're ruminating and stuff is just banging in your head and you don't know what to do and you feel like you're going to lose it write it down you know if it's anything that's you're telling yourself in your conscious mind you're going to convince yourself that that's you and it's not it's you with your PTSD burning out of control see you got to get a something to put that fire out and that's your mind You can do it anybody can Peace out!!

[@lindsey2930]

@@markmattingly2929 Thank you. I'm just a week or so in on this channel. I am already learning so much and the community of comments is beautiful. I don't feel crazy here!!! Ha Be blessed😊

[@lindsey2930]

@@Highest_Priestess boom! Yes, I believe I fall into a loop. I crave the "making up" process...I crave the attention im given when he desires and or lust for me. My cptsd craves this! I was also sexually abused from the age of 2-8..🤷🏼‍♀️ Thank you for the reply 😁

[@reginabaldwin7543]

I love the advice the childhood fairy gives. It's so honest and true.

[@mindonthespirit1543]

Oh my dear, I feel for you and I understand not knowing what healthy looks like. I agree with Anna here.Sending you love and hugs.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@NormanInAustralia]

I'm a guy who's been trapped into dysfunctional relationships after 1-night-stands with girls who said they were "cool" with that. As a result, I don't do one-night stands any more. I understand the guy's point of view in this story. You don't want to hurt someone who you've dated but you also don't want what they want, so you try to avoid conflict while figuring out how to deal with this difficult situation. Just as sex should only happen with enthusiastic consent, so should relationships. Sex (or any private time) with someone you don't know and trust is a huge risk for both men and women. My advice is: don't do it.

[@natalie77867]

Thank you for courageously sharing your perspective. Now, just please tell as many men as you can - if they sense a woman wants more than sex, and they don't, then they should say no and act with integrity and honesty.

[@NormanInAustralia]

@@natalie77867 Agreed. It's easy to tell yourself that you're acting with integrity when someone agrees to what you want, even if you suspect that's not really in their interest. Both guys and girls hold some responsibility here.

[@sunnyangiebeenestork1899]

Oh my, how I wish I knew about all of this, the whole series--limerence, trauma from childhood neglect and abuse--decades ago! Maybe it wasn't around then, so it's extra valuable now. The only thing is, I'm much older and have given up on love and even mutual like.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad you're here now! It truly is never too late to heal. -Calista@TeamFairy

[@user-ur2wd8du4z]

Wow this one was the harshest one yet.. poor girl but she need the wake up call

[@yosoyroman875]

The video just started, but I came here to be told about myself. Because I attach to men I like far to quickly. I haven’t even met the dude I’m talking to yet, and in my brain I accidentally said I love you. I am…not happy with myself.

[@marisa5359]

Yep. All this. Have lived out an all too similar story and can testify to the emotional agony it can be. It's hard work to rebuild life past this point but getting there. It is possible. Much of it comes in recognizing our own worth.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing this. Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@jenniferkesler4766]

I’m so thankful for the writers candid disclosure and I deeply resonated with them. I have gone through similar situations. This video is really great advice!🎉❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@robertm8158]

A guy I was "seeing" sent this to me about a month ago. He said he saw a lot of both of us in it. I agreed with some parts. We are no longer in contact with each other. I hope one day he can let go or resolve his childhood trauma and not let it determine who is. And not let his past be the driving factor in his life. Although we will never speak again, I wish him a good life and sincerely hope that one day it will be a happy life.

[@ts7280]

Regulation is not a tool to shut myself down to deal with crap. Thank you Anna❤Your work is helping me heal and not settle for crap!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad Anna's work has been helpful! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@ts7280]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you 😊 🙏.

[@moirosalina]

Thank you Nora, for your brave honesty. Embarressement unfortunately comes with this traumawounded territory. Thank you Anna for saying we need to also take care of our 'weepy little parts' ❤

[@jessiekalff]

Anna…your advice and sharing has changed my life…. For the first time I am centred in my energy….and making healthy choices for myself…. I am finding happiness in the small things…. I thank you 💕

[@matearumenjak2055]

I find myself in everything this women was writing. Only I was having a conversation with a man only trought texts. He was accually very nice, considering, understanding, wanting to go slow but my emotions, wound attachment ruin all of it. I know I need healing but I also want him back even though I know him for a month. Crazy 😭

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching! I encourage you to try the Daily Practice (a free course), it can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD. Nika@TeamFairy

[@melodyscarborough5663]

Slow is real.

[@asentientgoose]

Could you please do a video on how to overcome the fear of other people? I.e. how to interact with love and security versus fear; overcoming projecting false negative judgements onto people? It’s hard escaping that mind loop 😵‍💫

[@markmattingly2929]

Everything is going crazy when PTSD wants control. Your wanting to fear anything because of Loss it could be because of someone's treating you less than when you were young, there's so many variables that will trigger PTSD and that's why it's all different it's all stem from a particular trauma that occurred to you PTSD not only doesn't discriminate about who gets it but it doesn't discriminate in the variables that it comes in there's not just one flavor of PTSD to help you overcome fear You might be able to write down what you think is scaring you when you're thinking about it I used to do that and then I would write it in the form of a question and only work on one or two things at a time if you're trying to fix something so you could write it down I used to put it on my kitchen table where I'd have to sit there and see it a hundred times and I will ask myself the question what is making me fear these other people and I would brainstorm until I figured out what was making me be in fear with other people being someone that you may be dating or it may be a friend it may be your mom your dad sister brother could be anyone remember it's what's inside you that's bothering you and it can be fixed with a lot of work so try not to ruminate and keep looping things over and over in your head but that's the first thing you don't want to do when you're trying to help yourself You notice I said help yourself because it's a classroom with yourself until you figure out what it is it's bothering you and then pick away at it one section at a time if you try to take the big picture and fix everything you will be absolutely going crazy and bouncing off the walls I tried that method so many times it never worked so I started doing the baby step program at least I made progress every day some days it was a little bitty progress and some days it was significant progress and then I found out after a while I was having the ability to put the the things that I was scared of in front of me and look them right me I like you know I realize that you used to really bother me a lot but I'm going to have to put you down for a while so I can handle this over here but make sure you got one under control before you go back and try to fix the other one that that makes too much going on your mind's already like a pinball machine stuff bouncing everywhere if that helps

[@gemstar7447]

Omg, I so relate to this and needed to remind myself this is what I’m doing! Thank you Nora for sharing your painful experience and wish you and everyone all the best in your healing journeys. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy for dissecting what was happening and the advice. 🙏🏽💜

[@biancarowena9040]

I really want to weigh in here because this story has given me an epiphany about CPTSD! I’ve always know that I’m not good at seeing someone else’s point of view, but hearing this lady’s story really brought that home to me. Since I’m not the one who had this situation I can see clearly the guy’s point of view. I can put myself in his shoes. If my writer friend (a guy) who I talk to a few times a week drove two hours from where he lives to see me, without telling me in advance, and had expectations of me, that would make me really uncomfortable and I wouldn’t ‘re-think our dynamic and like him more for it,’ but quite the opposite. And yet, I’ve been in this lady’s shoes before and drove over two hours once to beg an ex boyfriend to take me back. I had nowhere to stay and so had to stay at his parents’ house (he was visiting his parents for the summer, this was when we were in university). They even had guests over that night and there wasn’t room for me so I stayed in the basement. At the time I was sad he didn’t want to take me back etc. and cried profusely. I honestly couldn’t see his point of view, and how unstable my actions probably came across to him. Even now I’m not good at empathy, but not for lack of trying, specifically when I’m involved in the story. It must be something to do with CPTSD, because it’s always been a struggle for me. But when I hear someone else’s story I can see it from an omniscient POV and it seems obvious. So my epiphany is the importance of empathy, and the lack there of, in people who have CPTSD. I don’t know if you’ve specifically talked about this much on your channel, but it has caused a lot of embarrassing situations for me, as sometimes later I can look back and see how I must have come across, but I never seem to grasp it while it’s happening in real time (the other persons POV of my actions towards them), I only see my own needs and wants. It’s like the other is not even a real person, I’m blind to their reality. Anyhow, I love all your videos. Thank you for this channel 🙂

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I totally understand what you're saying.

[@jac1161]

I wish I had less empathy, and I'm long time severe cptsd. I cry if a accidentally kill a worm in the garden and I used to ask God if I should pray for the devil to get out of hell... so, not all ptsd are hard. Some are too soft still. I thank you so much for your humility with your comment. I resonate with the begging for some one back. I was delusional and denial thinking that I could fix it, I'd fix myself just tell me what to do, etc I had low standards...that was a big pill to swallow because I was certain my expectations were too high...byyyyy those I now look back on with what I'm learning now, were totally emotional grunt stunted in childhood. I grew in wisdom with gifts from God, but emotionally and my reactions, were (and still can be but I'm working on it with acupuncture, red light, trauma therapy, prayer) childish and I'm ashamed and just...woah, right? I was definitely unhinged....

[@Thomassina1]

I appreciate her courageous honesty. In the scheme of life, is no big deal, she's on her way to making better choices. The man was gracious and actually really nice about it. He wanted casual and was overwhelmed by the intensity, speed, and over-sharing of her personal struggles.

[@livefastdresspretty]

Female intuition is everything.. when it’s right to open up to someone you will know ❤

[@AmiyaD1611]

that part about self regulation being about honestly feeling ourselves to honor who we are in that moment…. just wow… somehow so obvious, yet I didn‘t ever think about self regulation as such an empowerment in this way but it‘s so true; thanks for putting it that way Anna 🙏🏼 (and I definitely caught how in the past and to this day sometimes I ‚self regulated‘ to completely shut down myself and to bypass how I am actually feeling, just wanting to calm down to not cause any fuss or trouble)

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@kathleenblair7278]

My childhood friend was at the hospital dying. His ex-wife and 3 kids were there. His gay partner was. In the room with him while we were in the waiting room. His ex-wife was still angry that he left her for a man. She told me that she was angry because they were young when they married, and she thought he had outgrown being gay.

[@stacyjaye6350]

Holy crap. For me, if I find out someone is gay or bi, I'm gone. Edit "outgrown being gay..."🤔

[@ayako4471]

Daughter really pulled out the “it’s just a phase”.

[@ddayene]

That’s messed up on her part. People like that act as if they never make mistakes and blame other people for not knowing better when they’re younger

[@Honey4282]

Ugh this hits home so closely … and it’s so painful because the rejection hurts so badly on many levels.

[@healthfitnessbysuman6602]

You are making the world a much better place for me.. This is helping me a lot, I am from India.. And I love your channel ❤️ I hope one day you read my letter too

[@naomibedek1701]

I really like the phrase 'crap fitting'. 💩

[@amberm5626]

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for writing this letter. I can relate to it so much. Thank you, Anna, for helping to discern what is trauma wound talking when we think we just need to say one more thing. I recognize now that the continued guilt feeling is pretty much my fawn response kicking in, which is mine alone to heal. It makes me believe I must continue to "fix" the issue. Once I've apologized, it's best to drop the issue and move on/ forward with my life, even if it's without the other person, and behave more appropriatly in the future. Recognizing so much of myself and past behaviors in the letter writer. These abandonment wounds can be so difficult to untangle. The unconditional love and true nurturing that was denied us in childhood can only now come from us to us. No other adult owes us that. So many of us are blinded to incompatibility because we were never even taught to consider it.

[@nancyminui9108]

Once I got into a 12 step program, I realized that there was no reason to ever be lonely. There was always a meeting happening if not now, then pretty soon. And I could always be around people to talk to and share with. More importantly, we had something in common. Nowadays, there are all types of 12 step programs to join. There is never a reason to be lonely. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. One is by choice and the other is by circumstance. You can change the circumstances by getting out and being around people. Going to a meeting providers you that.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Agreed. Having a common focus on recovery and the companionship of others, healing became possible for me!

[@LuciaCruz-my1qb]

I’m so glad to have found your channel. I think my entire childhood was built on limerence and I had no idea. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 22. I learned so much about myself. We dated 3 months and at first I blamed him and felt victimized until i realized maybe I wasn’t the one who was at fault. I expected so much in the beginning because I had this idea of love. I had a difficult time with my emotions and I was just overwhelming to be with. I’ve always wanted someone to love me, and it probably didn’t help with how fast him and I moved. We broke up because he couldn’t give me what I needed…

[@cobba6392]

So much wisdom. So much compassion. So much sense.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you enjoyed it! Nika@TeamFairy

[@scottkim5475]

That’s comforting to know that you said it’s not your fault.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you've watched the video! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Ingisen]

Relationships, "love", trust, shared intimacy... to me, it's the same as playing Russian roulette with only one bullet removed. AND handing that weapon to a potentially crazy person who only want to hurt and/or use me. I ain't playing that game.

[@JamesSavik]

I reached the point where my friends and relationships were all about taking advantage of me, so I just quit. I want to meet people who aren't just in it for sex or money, but that's not what I'm seeing. They don't want a fiancée. They are looking for a financier, and I'm not interested in that.

[@mirandamiranda4663]

Hopefully your finances are able to intake somebody who truly loves you and you really love

[@marlenahawkins7098]

She dodge a bullet . I went through this for year with my daughter’s father. I also still working on this now I been involved with a guy that’s going no where or the connectionship lol

[@msdinba]

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody would be a good book to read. There are also Love Addicts 12 step programs. It’s all so painful…..

[@IronicallyChristian]

I have to thank you for putting so many things into perspective so concisely... I'm someone who almost never seeks help, but the information you lay out has, in matter of weeks, drastically improved my dating life and interpersonal relationships. Thank you!

[@c.h.9566]

Thanks for writing ✍️ Nora 💗 I feel for you & wish you all the good things. You described the situation/symptoms so well that hearing your experience was like a mild gut punch🥊 and I’m sure you helped a lot of people with your letter 🎯🥰

[@alepol76]

Your channel has been a massive source of enlightenment and a mirror. Thank you Anna for your care and honesty and thank you for all the community for sharing their experiences, I can so much relate, I feel like I opened my eyes for the first time. What I particularly appreciate here is that we are not calling everyone a "narcissist" and pointing fingers but shifting the focus on ourselves, our healing, our traumas and how we must be accountable for learning to give ourselves the self protection, dignity and care to respect ourselves, saying no to situations that make our condition worse. A big hug to everyone.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're glad to have you in our community here! Thank you for your comment! Nika@TeamFairy

[@parklady4233]

I wish I knew this 27 years ago 😭

[@spiritosa0123]

Really good talk and letter. I wish her the best. Attachment issues, oh my how to heal them without actually have good, solid attachments that happen... finally.

[@hopeandcoffee97]

I feel we appreciate safety only after we understand what a harm the hollowness of a bad relationship causes. In my case the sanity of work relations and friendships has preceded romantic sanity, and i think one can veer into blandness and thats also a reaction, once one learns not to go by a rulebook for romance, reregulates their own personality changes in a way that it draws what is right for one. Have faith and patience, girlie❤💚💝 You're full of fresh insight and in the right place to reregulate :) You deserve a warm, respectful relationship of equals who wish each othet well. Best of luck.

[@MienSereny]

Yeaaah Nora Welcome to the club that we've all been there🤣 Appreciate Nora described clearly on such a typical dynamic that used to be have

[@yootoob1001001]

For the people calling "Nora" out on her "creepy" behavior, put into context where and why she's acting like that. It's true that she's accountable for it, and at the same time she's a very wounded person. She was on automatic pilot when she did that most likely, running on her inner wounds. She's probably not even aware of half of it herself, so she's acting on them and then externalizing it when she gets rejected as other people are "narcissists" I'm tired of so many people using that word to describe whenever they get upset, and oddly it often seems more like the complaining person themselves is often projecting those traits onto the other person they are upset with. She's dropping a lot of buzzwords in the letter that sounds like she's subscribing the beliefs prevalent in the pop culture self-help culture about narcissists. In actuality they probably are either not responding the way she wants and she's ignoring them when they are not blatantly direct in their refusals (perhaps trying not to be mean). Other times she's attracting/being attracted by guys who aren't necessarily saying so directly (or at all) and don't necessarily want a relationship with her but the guys want to keep the sex and attention she's offering, so they keep her around, which accounts for mixed messages. Mixed messages will stop being so mixed when she learns to see them and values herself enough to call them out and discuss it (if the connection is truly worth working on) or leave (if it's not) and to learn the difference between the two. She's also using sex as a tool to get her needs for connection and love met and when done all the time in relationships, it's not a healthy or fair MO to anyone involved. I'm with Anna that she likely needs to start on the inside before she tries to get into anything with another person. Our relationships with ourselves are the most important that we have throughout life. I don't usually speak in absolutes, but will here, because a good relationship with ourselves ALWAYS really does improve how we relate with others.

[@sandragalloway3275]

Really good advice.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@1994wildchild]

Thank you for saying it's okay to wait until marriage, I've been waiting this long I can go a little while longer. The current culture is so upside down, it's thrown away the things that have stood the test of time, that doesn't mean it's always easy and hunky dory, but it's worth it, you get out what you put in. If you don't put in anything but one night stands that's all you'll get out of it. But if you put in the time and effort, with someone on the same page as you, you will get back.

[@1994wildchild]

KZbin took away the ❤️, I guess because I'm not afraid to tell the truth

[@annebos4634]

Casual s just sucks, not for me, I have learned to respect that too and have been on a s dryspell since 😆

[@monikahanus9183]

All of this hits the nail on the head. Thank you for this information.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@TheLove1Makes]

Thanks for the good healthy advice .

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@user-vt6pk2xt5t]

ı think we have all been there.

[@JoshRossness]

This idea of our trauma brain making decisions for us is powerful because it does seem like we aren't in control and being driven by mysterious forces when reacting to the present from a position of trauma in time... It does take a lot of mindfulness to refine our focus and assess what our feelings are really telling us is at stake in a situation so we can make healthy decisions and form real attachment to people who there is true mutual connection with.

[@anastasiaszymala8497]

thank you!

[@robertbenedek4463]

Ana, great as always, you are a gem! Many thanks!

[@KS-yx7ho]

I understand this girl. ❤

[@TranscendingTrauma]

I think this is one of my most favorite videos you have ever made. It’s filled with compassion, insight, truth, and wisdom.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad you enjoyed the video! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@hichamdaki3932]

Thank you ✨

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Katyayanibetha]

You are so wise. I love you so much. You are really helping so many people. I am grateful for you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@lillyfahey1921]

Excellent Video! Great Tips. So Healthy!

[@aaaaaaaapins1578]

thx you so much! these videos are reminding me constantly to be secure❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you have found this video! Thank you for watching and for your comment! Nika@TeamFairy

[@JaysonT1]

Question for you, please? I am a fearful avoidant (self diagnosed). I very much have the fear of intimacy and internal battle of wanting vs resisting. I am in my 40's and only had 1 year long relationship. My question is, why do I have all the symptoms of someone with an abusive childhood upbringing, but I had a wonderful childhood? My bio father was an alcoholic and was emotionally abusive to my mother not me. When I was 5, my mother got remarried to a fantastic man who raised us. I did however have an emotionally abusive relationship with my older brother. Please, answer if you can?

[@Lisa-yv2hd]

This video was SO helpful!! Omg. I learned so much about my past behavior

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@TheLove1Makes]

Thanks

[@missrosie8013]

Such helpful advice 💟 thank you for sharing your wisdom

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@acfiTraining]

Naaa your not crappy. Light worker ☀️☀️☀️ thank you 🙏❤️

[@prisillaspace]

Thank you so much! I’m working on my mind protecting my heart. Which has been strengthening my confidence! It feels amazing! Mrs. Runkle, I am truly grateful for you.God bless you! I listen to your videos more than once… Sometimes three to four times. This one’s a winner to listen to over and over…. So it STICKS!! 🦋💐✨💖🙏

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@CatBacon]

In my opinion I think casual relationships are the **worst** and I will NEVER get into one again.

[@8._.EarthAngel._.8]

I guess that’s the problem with stalkers; they think they’re being a puppy following you, but all you can see is an alligator or a snake following you, 🐍 and it is creepy AF. Oh, the second-hand embarrassment, listening to this, like, oh my god, this is so low. Yes, I do understand that the person is traumatized, but I do not think that it gives her the right to go around traumatizing everyone else because she is traumatized and cannot behave correctly.

[@MV-ns9le]

I've waited for 14 years

[@katjo71367]

It is too late for me, but I try to warn others. Im almost 57. I have a 26 yr old disabled adult child that makes me a "packaged deal." I squandered my youth on 2 different men. Now my health is in the shit can. Im no longer spouse material after living alone for the past 30 years. I need EMDR and other therapies.

[@bettertraining3491]

I greatly appreciate your honesty in the video. I have a new level of respect for you and your advice. I was worrying that you were not going to confront her on the fact that he told her that he wasn’t looking for what she was looking for. I just ended a relationship today with a woman who has some heavy lifting to do. Her and I are both trauma victims and I could feel my anxiety building every time we spent a day together. She wouldn’t respect any of the boundaries that I communicated with her. I have more boundaries that I should have communicated, not doing so well there, but it was an improvement for me to state them a few times. I feel bad for her and for me that it couldn’t work out as we had some sort of understanding with each other. I guess it was probably a trauma bond. Anyhow, thank you for this and any other videos.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching. Setting boundaries is very important when connecting with others, so be proud of yourself for at least trying and taking a small step forward. Every effort in the healing process counts. Best of luck! Nika@TeamFairy

[@TranscendingTrauma]

Amazing video but I think if he does contact her again, she still should not engage. He’s clear he wants casual sex and she is clearly triggered by that and needs more from a relationship. I think if she does hear from him, she should be honest with what she needs and let him go.

[@elspethfougere9683]

Thank you for being so upfront about this issue Anna, of how sex biologically attaches us to people with bonding hormones in our brains - it's a healthy deeply human instinct to emotionally as well as physically connect, and theres nothing wrong with it.. its just knowing how to manage that and what choices we make so we can stay in harmony and make congruent decisions for ourselves with what we need.. its just really hard to pick apart whats natural for ourselves because of the cultural history of moralism and taboo about casual sex, or then the reactionary insistence on freedom and autonomy and openness.. really any kind of sexual behaviour is fine, but it's understanding your own biochemistry, whats natural and balanced for yourself and how you can work with your own biochemistry of happiness, while you make whatever choices you want to make. Some of us have grown up with the kind of freedom where we are truly able to set a healthy boundary for ourselves that isn't informed by either moralistic taboo or liberal ideology and it's good to just explore and be honest about what it is you truly need.. And really, no harm done.. we can heal, and sometimes unfortunately because of all those cultural pressures, it's hard to sort it out without experimenting to know what feels ok or not and eventually what feels right. The writer of this letter is so brave and so good for asking for support, I hope she doesn't feel ashamed because everything there seems so normal for so many people who get muddled.. and I'm really glad to hear Anna's frank words, and finding true personal empowerment and personal power of ok, what to do now, what to do next, to really create the future outcome you want. Good luck to her, I'm sure she can do this, she sounds very determined, and I think we all can because I think we all have the instinct to heal and to love

[@Ysckemia]

not only i've been there/done that, but SO DID MY TWO SISTERS. sadly my sisters are in complete denial. i'm the only one who acknowledged the fact that it was due to emotional neglect during our childhood. i don't really believe in love anymore, except for my two children. i'm trying my best to raise them so as they don't repeat my mistakes. so as they know they deserve true love and affection, be it from friends or a partner.

[@MKHLMSCRDO167]

Got into a similar situation except the guy is misusing the terms he's using. He wanted someone to "netflix and chill" with but then later act like we're soulmates.....No. He needs to educate himself first.

[@rainywoods95060]

From the letter it didn't sound like she just showed up. It sounded to me like she invited herself and he said OK, but didn't match her enthusiasm.

[@aciddiver1978]

When you say "my anxiety", you take ownership of it and it will never leave. It is not your anxiety. Its anxiety.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

When you have a way to process anxious thoughts and feelings quickly (often a challenge for people with past trauma because of neurological changes) you can call it absolutely anything you want!

[@Djtlemcenia]

Please can you talk about body image and bullying

[@scottkim5475]

Yep. That’s why I sidelined myself. All these videos have been very helpful!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching. Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@2flowertwo537]

Gosh, remember "The Rules"? That book saved my dating life in my thirties and at least I managed some long term dating relationships even if I ended up in a trauma bond anyway! This can take a lot of practice ❤

[@EminDemiri-le6gq]

So, I had some good contact and interaction with a fellow classmate. It seemed to me, like a friendship was going to thrive. My classmate even visited me at home before school ended and she said that she wants to meet again in the future. But since then, I did not hear anything from this person again. She said that she suffers from C-PTSD and that she is "difficult" with regards to social contacts and interactions. I miss her, to be honest but at the same time I want her to feel good, save and not smothered by me. She even said to me that she likes me and has some sympathy for me. Her birthday is at the 20th of July this year and I planned to contact her again to gift her something and to initiate contact with her again but I do not know if this is a good idea or not. It may seem to her that I want to buy her appreciation for me, does it not? I do not want to make her feel creeped out or something. I do not know what to do. I think that she is a dismissive avoidant with regards to attachment styles and I know that some of these individuals struggle to maintain deep connections, even if they wish to have deep connections in their lifes but does this apply to almost every individual that is a dissmissive avoidant? Maybe she simply does not want a connection with me. Do you have any suggestions?

[@stacyjaye6350]

I do. Find someone that's capable of returning your affection and attention. For me, I have to know that the feeling is mutual, be positive that is, or I dip, quick. Anything else is too weird.

[@TechieSewing]

Don't wait for any major events to initiate contact: that's a long lasting plan that would consume your energy for months, and it will be painful when she just says 'Oh, thanks!', turns away and goes. Just talk about innocent school stuff when there is an opportunity, that's what aspiring friends do.

[@user-pi4ju1go1m]

My problem is that everyone I’ve been attracting is unavailable

[@yallcrazy302]

Bumble BFF is nice to meet people and make friends. Worked for me at least.

[@benedettasavitri9644]

excellent video Fairy, sharp, intelligent, deep, direct, hands-on, really great work. And thanks to the writer, it could have been me ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy