Don't Neglect the Internal Integration of Your Self!

[@CindiGrace]

YES!!! this is actually more important than the external and can be started long before one even comes out publicly. The key is realizing that integrating your true identity on the inside is a privilege and not a chore. One's perspective in how they approach this is the difference between struggle and success. Plus, it continues well into one's transition. Years later you continue to get the opportunity to learn how to integrate your true identity with how you interact and be with other genders and society, as well as how you see and interact with yourself. I talk a lot about this in my book on transition that you so generously wrote the forward to. Thank you for highlighting this!

[@DRZPHD]

Well said and thanks for sharing.

[@oyoyoyo7624]

Tarot has been how I’ve been jumpstarting my journaling. Using cards to start a conversation creates space for my subconscious to point towards facets of my internal landscape I may not closely look at otherwise. I’ve begun using them to aid in dream interpretation as well

[@DRZPHD]

They are such a great psychological tool.

[@marti7343]

Another important video by Dr. Z. I struggle a bit with understanding what internal integration really is. When I ask people who are not trans how they think of their gender most say they do not think about it much. They say they know they are a man or a woman. As a MtoF trans person, about 50% of the time I feel and identify as female. About 10% of the time I feel male, while the other 40% of the time I do not feel like much of anything. It has been hard for me to socially transition because I have a wife with whom I trying to work out a relationship with me being trans. Also, I have limitations right now on my social transition, that I have to admit has much to do with my fear. I do know I crave to be a woman, but struggle with all the doubts about reaching my transition goals and passing. Though I have not yet fully integrated internally to being female, I believe when I get there I will spend about 90% of my time not thinking about my gender and the other 10% being a bit dysphoric, probably because the dysphoria will never entirely disappear. Rather than saying I struggle to integrate myself as a woman, I would say I struggle to convince myself as trans. While I have a lot of data that I am trans, it is hard for me to accept it since I lived so many years as a man. Plus, more than half the world is telling me I can never be a woman and I am just crazy. I think for me complete internal acceptance will come when I understand I have done everything I could for my physical transition and I am able to confidently socially transition. Until I get there, I intend to take a day at a time and try to realize I am getting closer to that complete integration that will be the icing on the cake in accepting myself and living authentically. I must say that having begun my transition I am much more connected and at peace with my life. That sense is a key element in becoming a fully integrated person. Oh, by the way, I do journal and am in therapy. I find that these things help tremendously with the integrating work that is important for transitioning by organizing and clarifying my thoughts and feelings. Also, I might add, commenting of Dr. Z videos is another way that helps me in this respect!😊❤

[@DRZPHD]

I gotta say, cis people absolutely do think about gender and their gender identity, its just not tied to any physical incongrunecy. However, they do think about their gender role, sexism, misogyny, pressures to live up to their identity, etc. So trust me, they think about it, there is just no physical distress that you feel.

[@marti7343]

@@DRZPHD Thanks Dr. Z! Great reply and insights.

[@EmmE-mb3ci]

What a wonderful talk on a truly important topic. Just beginning my MtF transition and as a tantric educator I am very aware of the importance of connecting, harmonizing and integrating with the feminine within me. I put off starting HRT for about 6 months to a year, as I decided that it was best for me to first explore and then embody the aspects and qualities within me that I perceive as being innately feminine: compassion, beauty, kindness, caring, nurturing, intuition, emotional expression, sensuality, creativity and the connection with the rhythms of nature among others. The more I submerge myself into these qualities, the more my outer expression of my femininity seem to manifest itself naturally. How I express myself and perceive the world I inhabit is becoming more and more sensual, mindful, sensitive, emotional and richly feminine. Thus my per-HRT transition is taking on a much deeper resonance and is so much more authentic to me than when I just put on a dress, lingerie and some make-up. It is becoming quite an amazing, exciting and authentic inner and outer journey. It has also alleviated much of the intense dysphoria that I have been having with my masculine traits and body parts. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledgeable and honest perspective on the transformational journey. Blessings to you, Dr. Z

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@LeahT6317]

Very interesting topic Dr. Z! While I'm getting my final surgery (bottom) I really don't have dysphoria from internal integration. From my experience everything is finally feeling right and it finally feels normal for me. I think external integration has helped me feel authentic. My workplace has accepted me without blinking an eye and now I'm just one of the women at work where I'm included in the inner circle of sisterhood. I'm invited to events like ladies night out, included in small talk like where to get the best sports bra, where the latest sales and even husband bashing, to "Do you think the substitute teacher is attractive?". It's also carries over to my stylist, nail tech and even just going shopping. Things finally seem right. I still get dysphoria but that mainly comes from not having bottom surgery and dealing with the year long wait. My thing with internal integration is, It can't be this easy or why is no one clocking me? I still have get use to compliments and men finding an attraction to me. I tell them I'm divorced and trans but most never hear the trans part they go on a rant how could my husband treat so bad or let me go. I explain again that my ex was my wife and instead of shock I been getting, "I"m cool or I'm good with that everyone deserves to be happy". So it makes me think how is this possible a lot of people think I'm cis and even with my deep voice no one ever blinks and eye. While it's nice it puzzles me at times. Thank you for these last few videos they've made me take a deeper look at my transiting and opening my eyes to topics that don't surface in my circles. ❤ 💯

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear the content is very helpful to you.

[@rebeccasam3434]

I really don’t know how to do that, and am just about ready to give up. I’m planning on continuing hrt though. If nothing else it gets rid of the pounding headaches I almost always have without it, even if actually being taken seriously is hopeless

[@animelover914]

This! Out of all the struggles that I've had in the past, internal integration was one that I never thought I needed to worry about. More and more I found myself realizing that the way I was thinking about things was a result of being forced out of my comfort zone growing up. It likely sounds strange or silly to some, but taking the time to think about HOW you think is really important to alleviate dysphoria. This will mean something different to every individual but it's important to picture how you passively think about things and in what way you'd like to change that. It doesn't hurt to want to be able to picture your true self when you hear your inner voice thinking. Very important video and well put!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@FrozEnbyWolf150]

This is one of the first things on which I focused, because I knew that medical transition would take a very long time. I mostly go about my daily business as my assigned gender because it's not important for the people I only deal with once to know that I'm nonbinary. When I get home though, gender and gendered labels might as well not exist for me. When I'm interacting with friends, they know who I am.

[@DRZPHD]

Very smart of you!

[@cory99998]

I worry that people I used to know wont accept me and general rejection in parts of my life that didnt exist before. Id still like to play hockey but I will feel self concious being trans in an environment thats less welcoming. I guess I am afraid to live in fear of being myself, though at the same time I know that fear is much less than the fear of not being myself.

[@DRZPHD]

The fears you are having are not only natural to have, but incredibly common.

[@cory99998]

@@DRZPHD Ty, I've been watching your videos and a common thread is that my biggest fears are also the most common fears which is reassuring

[@brynl-k4118]

This is so important! I have been trying to work on this, because I do see that there is internal and external components of being trans, could you provide a list of questions to ask the self to help process this? Also, how do we know which parts of identity is external or internal? How do we know what parts of the incongruencies are us internally, versus internalized externals like transphobia or other preprogrammed identities? How do we know that we know! 😂😅 I am laughing and serious about this at the same time. It feels like I get somewhere, to realize there is another layer below to explore. Thanks for this video, I have been pondering this with my own gender therapist and was curious your ideas on this. :) appreciate you and your time and work.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear it was helpful.

[@arvintrevino4622]

I have accepted myself through the gender lens. I don't question gender because it finally feels like me. Just because I accept myself as Transgender and Nonbinary now my family expects me to dress completely feminine. I don't have a problem with it. But it's like Hollywood stars they Don't wear tuxedos and flamboyant dresses every day. Someday maybe a T-shirt. Or maybe I just want to boy mode with a hoodie and pajamas. It's the people around me that set expectations or already make conclusions without seeing more evidence. Maybe I just want to wear CLOAKBRAND instead of a skirt on some days. It's tough because theirs not enough information and Resources in the Rio Grande Valley from the LGBTQIA+ community or updated information. GenderCare Clinic closed 6 years ago. And the info hasn't been updated. I cry every day because I find it hard to have health coverage and a decent job or career that treats me like a human being. My therapist gives the okay, and says I have to transition. And my mother says it's impossible here in South Texas for people to accept me as a woman. I have enough cash to start HRT and Planned Parenthood doesn't take the First Health insurance. I spent $225 on 2 months hoping this is it. I can look for tomorrow and get to smile at the positive changes. Now, I have to make changes to find a new Insurance. I feel alone. She says she's supportive yet she acknowledges that people will still see me as a Man. She could be more Empathic by searching for more information. All the prospects of being a teacher vanished because of the anti-trans bills. What else can I do with my Linguistic degree? How can I ever pay my student debt? I am trying so hard to stay positive. Trying so hard to look forward. But, with the constant negative narrative If it wasn't for my caring cousins I would not be here. I'll try just a bit more for their sake. I'll try even harder to wake up in the morning even though I cry in my sleep.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@paulaburling1900]

Hi Dr Z PHD can you make a video on reciprocation it's crucial to my integration

[@DRZPHD]

Hi, thanks for idea, will add to topic list.

[@Hydrocarbonateable]

I find it very hard to integrate pre transition if you aren't out, because you have to switch back and forth between two identifies on a daily or hourly basis. That causes a lot of mental pain and i think for me at least, leads me to think "am i really trans at all? Maybe I'm just wishfully thinking". You buy into the anti trans propoganda easier. That said, i do think this integration, or mental switch, comes through permission. Permission you give yourself. For me, that means, "is it safe and reasonable to do this?" And furthermore, "what are the expectations of doing this?" (So, internal and external.) If you don't know what you are expected to be but society, you can't define yourself as aligned or against it. I think that's why it's easier for trans women than men--what a woman "is" in society has obvious and positive expectations: pretty, kind, nurturing. But what is a man? Macho, mean, doesn't dress well, low standards, crude, aggressive, exploits people and systems obliviously? I don't want to be that. What is the expected role of trans person? Society tells me it's to die. I don't want that either, obviously. So it can be very hard to have a vision or a goal to integrate into, if that makes sense? Especially for trans men. We have to make up what is to be a man, and be the opposite of existing men, while simultaneously defending that we are men. Lots of layers to that that are hard to piece out. So, that's why it can be very hard and also why it can feel like it's not worth it, if you're a rational-motivated person. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but simply explaining my side of the problem that i struggle with currently. 🤔

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing

[@KimberlyWilson-w1m]

Thank you for this discussion. I have repressed emotions from age eight years old. I was not abused, but I feel as if I was neglected as a child. In prepubescent years, I discovered my mother's Kotex brand pads and tried one on with the oversized straps. This felt very pleasant, and I put blue food coloring on my male genitals wishing my cock and balls would just go away. My mother found out my "Tom Sawyer" adventure, and told me not to mess with her feminine hygiene supplies. I felt guilt. I witnessed a nude intersexed childhood female playmate. She exhibited a male member larger than my hairless prepubescent penis. I felt guilt. I had a close friend that had puberty well before me. We went out with the neighbor's daughters seeking carnal knowledge. One of the ladies verbally noted that I had no pubic hair below my waist. I slept over with my friend at his parent's home once. He encouraged me to try weight training with the free weight set his father provided in the basement of their home. In a sleep over at his place, the mattress was so soft that I was unable to sleep without lying next to his muscular body. At a subsequent sleep over at my parent's home, we were on a twin sized bed adjacent to another twin my brother slept. J.D. was behind me in a spooning position. He asked me to slide my boy briefs down, I complied, kicking my underwear off my ankle. He placed his erect penis between my buttocks. He did not move, he made no attempt to penetrate. He ejaculated the thickest cum all over my groin. I spent 15 minutes wiping out the ejaculate in the bathroom. I have repressed my memory of these incidents for 40 years. I finally experienced puberty and had a period when I was extremely lonely. I have repressed this and numerous memories of my early adulthood. Dr Z PHD, you may have saved my life, and I thank you.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@RonLo]

Yes I do this all the time but the dial is staying more in the gender I am. I didn't know what this dial meant but once you defined it I felt a self loathing.

[@brynl-k4118]

....also, being buddhist, I have cis buddhist friends telling me that being trans is external only, that I need to let go of identity, all of them. How do we truly know we are letting go of anything? Couldn't that just be another identity 😂

[@morrowcosom]

Do your own thing. Do the best you can and learn from what happens.

[@brynl-k4118]

@@morrowcosom thanks this has been eating me inside a bit.

[@oyoyoyo7624]

I think about this often myself. Reality & traditions are not fixed. Just because how people like you dealt with their identity in the past may have differed because of what was possible, does not make their historical choices more valid. I was reading a book about African shaman stuff. The author mentions a lot of African Americans want to be initiated into his tribe, and experience some of the fantastical spiritual occurrences he describes. His elders aren’t with that: “live *your* life, and allow yourself to be initiated by your (often painful) realities. Love spiritual systems for what they are, while keeping in mind the value of temperance: incorporate your values into your Buddhist practice so that you can remain in alignment. Adjust as needed. You got this!

[@brynl-k4118]

@@oyoyoyo7624 thanks this brought me to tears. Appreciate it.🙏

[@DRZPHD]

Hi, while I think the concept of letting go of identity sounds vital, I doubt anyone is able to fully do this. I think the importance is to realize there is more to you than just gender o other things that you see as part of your identity.

[@EmmaHopman]

Is internal integration something that can be worked on just as easily early on I'm my transition? I am still boymoding at work and I have noticed that when I come home I feel zero integration due to that. I've been considering coming out at work simply for the fact it's hard for me to feel lacking in integration or just feeling very fake if I am feeling integrated.

[@FrozEnbyWolf150]

It's actually something you can do first, before you even come out to others. You know yourself better than anyone else, after all.

[@DRZPHD]

Absolutely! There many aspects of your Self that are in alignment with your gender that are not tied to external. You can also work on letting go of any shame or guilt you may feel and self acceptance and love.

[@theadonnachie2014]