Download the PDF of my memoir "From Felony to Fitness to Free" for FREE: dougbopst.com/FREE/ KZbin: kzbin.info/door/1xly1FdiIE2s8c5wUr2dgw Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2kXk7ZbTzv4Lnf8lxLnnTn?si=940850e429184327 Apple: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-adversity-advantage/id1496406333
@lonwolf82459 ай бұрын
My parents were married almost 70 years before they passed. I asked them each individually what was the "SECRET" to the longevity. They BOTH said independently "I do my best to make (partner) happy". That being said I truly think most successful relationships are between NICE people. Too many couples are tit for tat and I do more and you do less mindset. The couple needs to be a TEAM and try to support one another any way they can. Ya gotta have HEART.
@Downy229 ай бұрын
Great point!
@truthseekingfreethinker52149 ай бұрын
HEART, what is that?
@marlajacques69479 ай бұрын
It sounds simple but I’ve never heard this formula before but it totally makes sense. Now I will never forget this, thank you!
@bladerunner88329 ай бұрын
Perhaps you're right. It's just too bad that a lot of people's personalities do a 180 after they've signed the marriage contract.
@Peppermint221017 ай бұрын
This is so true. The people in the partnership have to be nice to begin with, and also selfless. Too many people marry for the wrong reasons, and also maybe marriage is not for everyone , and that's ok. One size doesn't fit all, so people shouldn't cow tow to societal pressures to get married.
@whiteybester916010 ай бұрын
As an older man. Since social media showed up things started to go terribly wrong. And that is a fact.
@alphacentauri808310 ай бұрын
Divorces began to skyrocket after the age of the Enlightenment(18th century) when "marrying for love" became the new trend.
@thebest1270010 ай бұрын
@@alphacentauri8083 Yea things were always on a bad course, social media just sped up the process.
@alphacentauri808310 ай бұрын
@@thebest12700 Cultures with the highest marriage success rates to this day are those that practice arranged marriages. Look it up. They focus on the utilitarian component of marriage. As such, when you fall in love you will also fall out of love, and a ring doesn't negate that part of evolutionary biology. Even during biblical times, women were viewed as property, There is not one example of a love based marriage in the bible. Heads up "conservative" thinkers! Here's a useful rule to embrace: "show me someone's past and I will tell you everything about their future". Infidelity has existed since the dawn of mankind and it won't change.
@ChristinaSkillern-cl3bg10 ай бұрын
Have you read the story of Ruth in the Bible?
@izzysim936310 ай бұрын
Agreed.
@soudipsanyal10 ай бұрын
What we need is a genuine friend, a companion, not someone who would wanna destroy you but someone who would understand you & help you.
@Beaver.179 ай бұрын
That’s what most marriages are at the start
@laughoutmeow9 ай бұрын
You can have this without signing a marriage contract
@truthseekingfreethinker52149 ай бұрын
It is a woman's duty to understand her husband. If this never happens and the woman thinks it's a man's duty to understand her. The marriage is doomed.
@Cherries24139 ай бұрын
And where is that person ?
@codeman7348Ай бұрын
@@truthseekingfreethinker5214 That’s very one sided. How can partnerships work if it’s one sided? The man and woman are equal in emotional responsibility towards each other.
@blueskies703510 ай бұрын
Right off the bat, he gets it. Many couples/people confuse attraction with compatibility. The chemical reaction in the early-stage passion isn't sustainable; it needs to evolve into something else... better.
@alexp727410 ай бұрын
Agreed
@GuitarsAndSynths10 ай бұрын
lust vs true connection and bonding
@VideoArchiveGuy10 ай бұрын
The attraction and "butterflies" are INFATUATION, which will always naturally end after 18-24 months. By that point a deeper relationship takes over, or the couple bails.
@samfeldman15089 ай бұрын
I would agree however there is no correlation between dating longer and waiting to marry vs getting married shortly after meeting.
@hirokim819 ай бұрын
True. The drive from the attraction can be a motive for making oneself more compatible to the other.
@km310610 ай бұрын
Marriage is meant to be a excercise in self sacrifice. But people in western countries get married to chase fleeting "happiness", so of course it will fail.
@raoulberret302410 ай бұрын
Correct! You nailed it perfectly!
@scottgoulette890010 ай бұрын
Self sacrifice to what end? Not saying you're wrong but where does your definition come from?
@matthewhowe372710 ай бұрын
I'll watch these podcast that state men shouldn't get married or women are all gold diggers. What I see is a bunch of selfish children who only think about themselves. I took my vows seriously that two become one. We do what benefits us, the couple.
@scottgoulette890010 ай бұрын
@@matthewhowe3727That's a noble pursuit but there are cases where connection truly fails, many factors to consider (notably children) but I don't disagree with your premise.
@spatular51910 ай бұрын
As a western woman I agree. I married a man from India and he has taught me so much. Self sacrifice is the correct position to take on marriage. You get married to give yourself to your partner, not take what they can give you. It’s actually more beautiful and connected that way. Not all the time, but usually I’m happy to share his life with him, and he motivates me to do my best for our family.
@dianealbrecht49610 ай бұрын
I was married once. My spouse died after 13 yrs. of marriage. We both went thru hell with his illness. I never, ever, regretted marrying him. It was real. Never remarried.
@koosleroux92079 ай бұрын
@@DanielKoch-kw6fw17:45 17:45
@ayodari_style3 ай бұрын
I am sorry you didn’t have more time together. I completely understand your mentality-I married my husband 13 years ago and I know no matter what happens, death or God forbid we split up, I will never, ever marry ever again. One and done for me!
@septorch28Ай бұрын
Thank you for this. I’m in your situation but on the other end and I worry so much that she will feel like she wasted her time on me.
@JohnMoore-ov1zv10 ай бұрын
This divorce attorney is a smart observer of human nature.
@manasuniyal28979 ай бұрын
Take away alimony and nobody will divorce😂😂
@eatnplaytoday9 ай бұрын
@@Chad_Maxare you a woman??
@kylemarshall11006 ай бұрын
Level Headed Childhood and attorney.
@Majorhavoktv10 ай бұрын
The take away is to never stop dating your significant other or stay single if your too lazy to do this.
@hawkt244810 ай бұрын
That's a great point.
@secullenable10 ай бұрын
bingo
@lauralinden684010 ай бұрын
Staying single is not a matter of laziness. In my case, it’s having decided I enjoy my own company better than that of another. Having had a long-term marriage, I’ve never been happier and felt more secure now that I live alone.
@sharinaross186510 ай бұрын
@@lauralinden6840 something about living alone.
@jacquelynn205110 ай бұрын
@@lauralinden6840I value the peace and clarity that I experience living alone. I’m not against cohabitation as I’ve done that before and do not miss it. Every individual has different needs that’s for sure. I’m not so emotionally needy of others as most do not fill the void anyway due to lack of self awareness and empathy. My take is that many who lack clarity are in relationships seeking for others to fill their voids..and there is nothing innately wrong with that, but it starts to topple when they do not or cannot return the favor. No one wants to be sucked dry. The couples that find true balance between them are lucky…or hellbent on not breaking up😊
@nrich512710 ай бұрын
I think he hit it on the head - disconnection caused by several game changing issues - are you really going to stay in a relationship with someone who exhibits any of these characteristics : 1. serial cheating 2. financial dishonesty 3. physical or mental abuse 4. sexual disinterest 5. gambling/alcohol/drug ongoing issues 6. disinterest in being self supporting
@johncoviello857010 ай бұрын
Good list. I would add: 7. Disinterest in spending time together I see that problem develop among many friends in relationships. One partner just gives up on trying to do relationship things and would rather hang with friends or act single without ending the relationship or trying to rekindle it into a healthy relationship where the couple wants to and enjoys spending time together.
@lanebashford39829 ай бұрын
Add to 5: internet/smartphone addiction
@atlantaguy679310 ай бұрын
We used to call the disconnection you discuss in the video "growing apart". Successful relationships require a conscious awareness, consideration and caring 24/7 of the other person ....... and it must be mutual. Both partners in the relationship must constantly and honestly ask themselves "what do I bring to this relationship" rather than "what am I getting out of this relationship". When only one partner asks themselves this question, the two people "disconnect" and the relationship ends.
@Ghost11709 ай бұрын
Lmao, he just used a synonym. It aint like "growing apart" isnt used anymore, relax, Plato. It's just communication. The better communication a couple has and how easily they can navigate through life together. If theyre able to do that, theyre gonna last. Even if they argue or get into verbal fights, if you both can navigate and communicate well, it has way less of a chance to end badly
@missfaztudo93129 ай бұрын
Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Mtmonaghan9 ай бұрын
You really want to own your partner, ridiculous suggestion. It’s about trust and companionship. All this needy support and caring makes your partner more like a parent than a lover.
@atlantaguy67939 ай бұрын
@@Mtmonaghan ..... my husband and I have been happily together for 23 years and we both just retired from executive careers ...... my post reflects the success of our relationship. What about you?
@whiteybester91609 ай бұрын
And most of all respect. Not only for yourself but also for people around you...
@josephroth876110 ай бұрын
I have never heard anyone say divorce is disconnection but I believe you have given the most accurate answer why people leave each other. Manny Thanks
@NEWYORKSTATEOFMIND-e1s10 ай бұрын
You probably actually have it was just described differently ever heard of grew apart?
@michelleeggers71910 ай бұрын
The more ppl you let into your relationship, the harder it is. Friends and family get in your ear and say he should be doing this or that.
@tabithan29789 ай бұрын
You sound like a control freak.
@LB-tw7gg9 ай бұрын
@tabithan2978 how is other people giving their opinions make a person a control freak?
@srinavin9 ай бұрын
This is gold
@tabithan29789 ай бұрын
A man that discourages women from having friends and family to talk to IS A CONTROL FREAK. RED FLAG FOR AN ABUSER! 🚨
@nancyculp696810 ай бұрын
He is totally different from all the lawyers I have been around! If more lawyers thought about helping couples instead of just another job, this world would be a much better place!
@themastter810 ай бұрын
It’s all advertising.
@brucetownsend69110 ай бұрын
There are all sorts of lawyers because there are all sorts of people, and lawyers are people. As a retired lawyer, I can say there are many who routinely give objective and sensible advice to clients without regard to whether it will generate work for which they will be paid. There are also scumbag lawyer who live up to the stereotype. You will find a wide range in all the professions. The hard part for clients is finding a good one.
@kosiekoos94089 ай бұрын
It can blow up in the face big time. Clients turn against lawyers who try something new. People are wicked.
@mrj894010 ай бұрын
Because "You should never reward a person who is breaking the contract "
@Teamster836 ай бұрын
Yup
@lancelotdufrane10 ай бұрын
I’ve heard this gentleman before. Very good at explaining his experiences with marriage/divorce. I like his analogies. It applies to relationships in general. Thanks
@JohnSmith-ij4xe10 ай бұрын
If I remember his also divorced so his been on the other side too.
@mrmoe11010 ай бұрын
Yeah I saw him first on that Soft White Underbelly podcast
@deficator75010 ай бұрын
hes a divorce lawyer.
@drlarrymitchell10 ай бұрын
Soft white underbelly.
@sunway13749 ай бұрын
He has many wise things to say about relationship and divorce.
@vernonkelly337910 ай бұрын
Selfishness pure and simple.
@rrssmooth66439 ай бұрын
Mostly everyone in a relationship to be with each other, but they never really connect with each other.
@stopper900049 ай бұрын
Everyone has tried to sanitize this simple truth by relabeling it as "narcissism" (the way they relabeled homelessness as unhoused 😂😂). The recategorization of language by the woke came about (in order to avoid assigning responsibility for the selfishness/lack of empathy) is the result of weak parenting since the 80s when former hippy/Marxists started having kids and stopped correcting kids for selfish behavior because of the cancer of collectivist ideology in which the individual is not held accountable for selfish behavior...rather, they are considered"victims" of circumstances/poverty. They adopted the victim myth in order the impose the collectivist solution: government/state (other people's assets stolen and redistributed).
@samuelhomer88859 ай бұрын
That's a big part of it
@paulbroderick84389 ай бұрын
Three things. Want, want and want.
@A_n_y_t_i_m_e10 ай бұрын
"Connection" = limerence and infatuation. That fades away in a matter of few years. Marriage is second hardest job on the planet. First is parenting. Many, MANY don't get this.
@bernie635510 ай бұрын
My parents stayed together because they had no options. Today there are just too many options once the thrill is gone.
@jovandavidovic110 ай бұрын
Both scenarios are bad and extreme
@clv6039 ай бұрын
@@jovandavidovic1 life itself is a pretty bad and extreme scenario. Enjoy your health while you have it
@thepragmatist9 ай бұрын
Yes. This is true.
@lisao69285 ай бұрын
What options? You mean people? Not sure why people think someone they meet online will be better. Now, that would be an interesting conversation to have!
@JIMKATSANIDIS10 ай бұрын
Super helpful video! The problem is, people have way too high of expectations for others and not high enough expectations for themselves. If you can't love someone with flaws, then clearly you're not cut out for love. That was really interesting! A very clear and concise explanation! Thank you Doug and James for sharing it with us!🙌❤👍
@michaeljeffery746610 ай бұрын
Totally accurate.
@JIMKATSANIDIS10 ай бұрын
@@michaeljeffery7466 Thanks Michael!👋
@eQuariuz10 ай бұрын
Do men and women "love" the same? And exactly what "flaws" can that type of love apply to? Interesting to look at it closer.
@Lala8985610 ай бұрын
I agree. For example, my ex expected me to pay most of the bills while expecting me to cook, clean, and take care of our child by myself. I wanted a partner, really, and he wanted a slave.
@eQuariuz10 ай бұрын
@@Lala89856 How'd you meet him? BTW, was he a tall guy? Curious.
@k.hotting485110 ай бұрын
Very nice to hear a more nuanced view on divorce by someone who actually knows what he is talking about.
@saintmte507610 ай бұрын
Ah so everyone else that have dated, got married etc don’t know what they are talking about? 🤦🏾♂️
@k.hotting485110 ай бұрын
@@saintmte5076 Did I write that somewhere? Where most people have their personal experiences, this divorce lawyer has a larger reference frame, since he has worked with so many different couples. Doesn't mean ones personal experience isn't valid but for example, to answer a question like: 'What is the reason most couples break up?' I think a divorce laywer has a better outlook on this question then the average person.
@darkspartan80610 ай бұрын
I completely agree, was with my last gf for 7 yrs and I felt completely disconnected by the end. Each year I'd give her the chance to see if she was worthy of the wife title but it always ended in disappointment. Sex was the only thing keeping me interested but even then, it worn out it's welcome. I've learned that in order for marriage to work, both people must understand their duties, something that has been lost in the west.
@whopperplopper10 ай бұрын
Duties...got it. Jobless wives?
@onward272710 ай бұрын
Women and duties are almost like women and accountability, which is like oil and water They don’t go together all that well
@sardonumspa811310 ай бұрын
@@whopperplopperThat is not typical these days as both parties have to work. Put your pink P hat on and run in the streets….
@njose52810 ай бұрын
Dude it took you 7 years to figure out if she was worth it?!? And then you come online like she’s the only one with the problem lol.
@rosej502910 ай бұрын
What would you say were your duties and what were her duties supposed to be? It also sounds like there was an assumption that you and her knew what the duties were without directly talking about them from the beginning of the relationship.
@billdaker112010 ай бұрын
The thing that brought you together is the very thing they tears you apart. The loss of respect!
@AnnatarTheMaia2 ай бұрын
Yes, loss of respect and shattered trust.
@TermiteVideo10 ай бұрын
I don’t think people are prepared to put up with living an unhappy life in the way previous generations were. That is probably a good thing. But now we need to be more circumspect about getting completely involved so quickly, often before we know a person properly. I would also say take a good look at your potential spouses family, lots of sign posts to the future there!
@grittyinpink1610 ай бұрын
Good point. Previous generations of women had to stay married to men to survive. We couldn't get credit cards or a bank accounts without a husband. We couldn't get jobs or an education or a mortgage. We didn't have rights over our own bodies, healthcare decisions, or our children. It wasn't just about tolerating unhappiness. Women stayed with horrible men because the alternative was starvation, exile and homelessness.
@fugetabouit66310 ай бұрын
Good bye nuclear families hello Narcisim 👍
@theysayisagorilla10 ай бұрын
Its not a good thing. The biggest lie society tells us is that life is about finding happiness. Its not. Happiness is on a spectrum that is constantly shifting. If there was ever such a thing as always being happy or always being at peace, no human wld be built for strife. U have to appreciate the moments as they come and not expect that life will always be what u want it to be.
@L-Man-Gaming10 ай бұрын
@@theysayisagorillaexcept that isn’t how women think and feel at all. So that’s a lost cause.
@theysayisagorilla10 ай бұрын
@@L-Man-Gaming life isnt about women either. Part of our problem is worrying about what and how women feel.
@martycech584410 ай бұрын
Open, Honest Mature conversation with each other is Most important !!
@private-private10 ай бұрын
Open honest mature conversation with a woman? I have some land in Florida I’m selling, interested?
@YMagoulo10 ай бұрын
I've had way too many women over 50 commenting that they are wanting their happily ever after. I always have to remind them that there is no such thing.
@forman20810 ай бұрын
I think it's a lot simpler than people make it out to be. People simply do not think long term about what a marriage entails, they think about the wedding, they think about the honey moon, but they don't actually think about what life with this person will be like 2, 5, 10 years from now, and I just honestly feel like a lot of people are not prepared for that kind of commitment to one person. They don't realize the physical attraction will fade or the amount of selflessness and work it takes to make a marriage successful. Add in how long people live and our societies ideals, marriage frankly isn't going to work for a lot of people.
@apushman9 ай бұрын
People like the idea of marriage, but not the work involved
@josephobenauer30939 ай бұрын
Nicely done.
@jacquelinemarie96559 ай бұрын
I completely agree. I love my spouse to the ends of the earth and we get along SO well… and I still tell people that marriage is like a full time job or a daily practice that will last for the rest of your life. It involves such a basic and underrated skill set of consistency, open-mindedness, open communication and trust. I wish we were taught in school how to regulate our demotions and have healthy communication and boundaries with others. It wouldn’t solve every problem but at least people would have a greater chance at healthy love.❤
@samfeldman15089 ай бұрын
I wish my younger self got this advice. Would have saved me a lot of pain.
@henli-rw5dw9 ай бұрын
It's even simple than that, you just have to keep saying things to make the girl feel loved. With practice you get really good at this and eventually you'll even brainwash yourself, such that even you yourself will not be sure if it's true or not. All the lie you tell her to make her feel loved start becoming true in reality. By this point, you'll have a great marriage. The caveat is, you need to find someone who is worth this effort.
@tedknudstrup610110 ай бұрын
Purchased his book and listened to multiple videos from him. Very sharp and articulate, really enjoy his commentary and stories.
@sbentsen271410 ай бұрын
I really appreciate his take in talking about not stirring up conflict unnecessarily, that you're known by your reputation and judges and clients will catch on pretty quick if thats your business model. 👍🏼 Integrity and responsibility, and benevolence 💯
@Alnivol66610 ай бұрын
Except that divorce lawyers do stir up conflict.
@sardonumspa811310 ай бұрын
@@Alnivol666Exactly! Almost everyone of them are lying to you about the nature of family court. It’s a for profit business! Everyone including the judge signing the orders profits off your case! The Dept. Of Justice told ALL courts to stop running as a for profit business. They just ignore it….
@chapagawa10 ай бұрын
A lack of commitment is the issue. Once the butterflies wear off, she is looking for the next fix knowing that she is going to come out better financially. The marriage vows include the promise to commit (‘til death do us part), but there is no legal penalty for breaking that commitment.
@RipMinner10 ай бұрын
Not only is there no penalty for breaking that commitment, but there is reward for doing so.
@sardonumspa811310 ай бұрын
That’s because the state including the judge giving the orders make a profit off your case. Your lawyer is in on it too! You guys just don’t realize this!
@TLACY60610 ай бұрын
@@sardonumspa8113Oh we realize this. Yes there are a lot of simps who still have “faith” in the system. But tons of men these days are not bothering with marriage anymore. Let alone dating.
@joerapo10 ай бұрын
Average western woman has her first relationship at 15 and gets married at 30. If they want to and aren't obese they don't spend much time being single those 15 years. Modern women spend the first 15 years of adulthood in a perpetual state of butterflies and different honeymoon stages. We are then shocked when close to 80% of divorces are filed by women. 90 when they have a degree. To top it off women's media(romance novels and movies) also built a completely unrealistic expectation of relationships.
@lavinder1110 ай бұрын
@RipMinner Men got rid of that penalty because they didn't want to pay for infidelity. Once no fault divorces became the norm, all bets were off.
@elizabethneff993210 ай бұрын
Are you sure he's a Lawyer and not a Psychiatrist? lol....he's very good
@danielborrowdale390310 ай бұрын
Because most people are brought up today with what can I get not what do I have definitely not based on love and respect. Divorce is usually the last step of what can I get.
@russianfolktales364110 ай бұрын
Before I reached 30 I have had 7 women all of whom were married. They were good persons don’t take me wrong and good looking too, but i only started to realise now in my 50s how fudged up the world is.
@ThePossumone10 ай бұрын
Society does not support marriage - people want personal happiness over what is best for society Fewer religious beliefs ( or that divorce is wrong - now it’s personal freedom that is more important ) Children - people won’t stay together for the kids when they once did Women can make it economically without men so not trapped without choice
@steelheart414810 ай бұрын
Most women can't make it economically without men. Their solution - alimony.
@silentlamont10 ай бұрын
You mispelled people. You meant women. Nothing is going to change unless we're willing to completely be honest
@TheDalinkwent10 ай бұрын
Yet women still demand men who make more..this is why marriages cant work. Women fought for a role they didnt want..and refuse to admit the truth.
@Joshua-eo5hr10 ай бұрын
I can agree with both of these comments I mean it's true we live in a completely different world now I don't think this is a good thing though.
@catherineball758410 ай бұрын
I think it's good that women aren't trapped. Men never have been, so why should we, especially if he's abusive.
@6B8RX10 ай бұрын
Another big part of the problem is the modern focus on the individual rather than the family. We're all conditioned to believe that we have to focus on ourselves first and everyone, including spouses and children, come second. Others are reduced to acting as mirrors to reflect the individual. In modern Western cultures, people tend to believe that the family exists to serve their interests, whereas in the past people believed that they existed to support, promote, and defend their family.
@Karynwashere10 ай бұрын
💯
@w.s.21029 ай бұрын
Divorce isn't a "failure" for the married man, it's a "blessing"..... it's a bachelor's lifestyle after that lesson learned
@k.johnsonj533810 ай бұрын
Everyone should talk to this guy prior to getting marriage
@AnnatarTheMaia2 ай бұрын
Why marry at all, why put oneself in a position of such an enormous risk which brings no benefit???
@mrsjoeyfamous10 ай бұрын
As a remarried 50 year old woman who has 4 adult children that are in their serious relationship phases in life, I struggle with wanting to share this very informative video. I wish as a 23 year old getting married my unformed brain would have known this valuable information. Perhaps it would have influenced my post divorce life choices. Being emotionally reactive during a divorce is a recipe for disaster. I can absolutely, corroborate what this lawyer is saying from my experience going through a divorce as young mom of a toddler and newborn. My divorce was treacherous.
@VonGoldfinger10 ай бұрын
Who initiated the divorce?
@bootsiekeegan44019 ай бұрын
Im still hurting from divorce
@amineaiffa9 ай бұрын
Probably treacherous for the guy lol
@mrsjoeyfamous9 ай бұрын
@@VonGoldfinger my ex husband after he cheated while I was pregnant with our second child. I didn’t get alimony or any type of spousal support not even in the short term. He lied about his financials and my child support which I offered to waive was way below what he should have given he lied and hid money.
@mrsjoeyfamous9 ай бұрын
@@amineaiffa no bcuz I left with my kids and the close on our backs. No cash asset, no liquid assets, didn’t touch the stocks or the pension either. I left with my kids and my pride.
@expatwealthasia870210 ай бұрын
I have tuned into a few of James interviews and every time he is highly refreshing with his thoughts.
@jaredweiman298710 ай бұрын
An easy way to diagnose this problem would be to look at statistics and see which party (men or women) tend to file for divorce most often. I just don’t see a lot of men wrecking their homes. The serial cheating husband seems to be more of a stereotype born of American sitcoms and Hollywood movies than it has any basis in reality. The simple solution is for men to stay unmarried until divorce courts are recalibrated in a way that doesn’t explicitly siphon their earnings off to a woman who decided she was bored one day.
@lappesjl110 ай бұрын
Women are twice as likely to have extra-marital affairs. 70% of divorces are filed by women.
@davidblaze165210 ай бұрын
Completly agree with you 👍
@smokingcrab229010 ай бұрын
80% of all divorces are initiated by women over "emotional disconnect" as their reasons. But women will stay in relationships with men who are abusive - even physically. So to women, emotional connection is more important than not being physically abused. Figure that one out. But the problem is that women are so instinctual that it's hard for men to connect with them emotionally. Women prioritize different instincts during different phases of their lives. That's why it's easy for men to connect with women when the woman's instinct is to lock down a man. The once she does, her instinct shifts to "make babies". Then it shifts to "be a mom" and then she projects all of her expectations of the man to be 100% on board with all of her spontaneous, uncommunicated instincts 100% of the time. This is why the disconnect happens. Because women want to control the entire relationship with their instincts.
@darbyohara10 ай бұрын
Your analysis correct. The divorce laws are actually beneficial to one party to leave the marriage. You can’t have a deal where one party is legally incentivized to break the contract Here’s the fix: Default 50/50 custody of kids No alimony unless specified in prenup agreement Asset division plan required to be prepared and submitted with marriage filing Each party pays legal fees in event of divorce
@DefaultDerrick10 ай бұрын
To be fair that kind of male character USED to be common in real life society but I don't think it is any longer or at least not as common.
@authorfalling10 ай бұрын
Divorce happens because of disconnection, got it. Thanks for the insight, glad this was recorded.
@Havok419110 ай бұрын
😂 right!
@johnk789310 ай бұрын
Moral of the story...never sign a marriage license. It may be the biggest mistake a man can make, was mine by far.
@sardonumspa811310 ай бұрын
Yea biggest mistake if you are a man…
@gardenroom6510 ай бұрын
Children? Commitment? Growing up?.?
@vickimerritt283210 ай бұрын
How sad for you that that is your only take away from a failed marriage. Avoidance of maturity, accountibility, and responsibility. Blame anything but yourself. A real prize.
@johnk789310 ай бұрын
@vickimerritt2832 and cue the classic female shaming tactics. Never fails. You proved my point and why men are walking away from marriage. Can you imagine dealing with this kind of non sense day in day out. Take heed men this is your future wife.
@blandingscastle372910 ай бұрын
For Men Only: Maturity, accountability and responsibility. Women will always be whatever they are.
@patrikstewart605910 ай бұрын
Wow....this should be a High School's course....definitely a University Course.. . Just wow...excellent
@Grungefan201810 ай бұрын
It’s so hard to get Both people wanting to optimize their communication. I honestly think some sort of therapy early on would do wonders.
@cameddy408110 ай бұрын
Well expressed - thank you - dysfunctional symbiosis- “disconnection “ …etc …..raindrops make the flood
@thebteamgamingchannel570110 ай бұрын
If I was interviewing that guy, I would've asked him when divorce attorneys are going to stop advising their female clients to fill out police reports with false allegations and filing protective orders that make their husbands homeless just so they can get an upper hand in divorce court. I'd then ask when will they stop accepting sexual favors from their female clients in exchange for their legal services. They're all snakes.
@sardonumspa811310 ай бұрын
@@juliahinchley2633Oh please. The current state of marriage was introduced by you guys Julia. Reagan introduced no fault divorce not your ash ka nazeee cousins. Nice try though…..
@private-private10 ай бұрын
I tend to almost agree.they are snakes for the most part yes.
@supercool123810 ай бұрын
I would take anything a lawyer says with a grain of salt careful
@sardonumspa811310 ай бұрын
@@supercool1238 Exactly! I wonder how many victims did this lawyer have before he decided to tell a scrap of truth about his profession?
@l.w.paradis210810 ай бұрын
This guy reps REALLY rich people, so I believe he can't come across sleazy in that way.
@marydietterich596810 ай бұрын
How refreshing…an attorney that cares!
@Orlando_Steve10 ай бұрын
If he cared, he'd tell men not to get married under the current awful gynocratic legal system.
@sardonumspa811310 ай бұрын
If he cares he would tell you how to get out of child support order that the state including the judge gets a cut off of! I got my case closed using “due process violations”. He will never tell you this….
@PanteraRosa919 ай бұрын
@@Orlando_Steve comments like yours show why, precisely, more women each day don't want any kind of relationship with men and why there is a male loneliness epidemic 😂
@PanteraRosa919 ай бұрын
@@sardonumspa8113comments like yours show why, precisely, more women each day don't want any kind of relationship with men nor kids, and why there is a male loneliness epidemic 😂
@mike991310 ай бұрын
This is one smart guy...beyond book smarts.
@Empress_Energyyy10 ай бұрын
The question is easy. Everyone unhealed has wounds. Childhood wounds mistreatment, neglect, abuse etc in their childhood. This causes you to pick the wrong people and mistreat other people. That’s the true breakdown of marriage. Narcissistic behaviors, entitlement, insecurities, selfishness, abuse.
@kmg50110 ай бұрын
I didn't expect to get valuable insights from this but I did, thanks.
@kengaroo517010 ай бұрын
Men hope a woman doesn't change and the woman hopes that the man changes. Women drop the act when it suits them.
@michaeljeffery746610 ай бұрын
Absolutely true. You have to catch them slipping before you're committed.
@reck0n3r10 ай бұрын
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed." - Albert Einstein
@Princetonian4eva10 ай бұрын
Ah, yes - women are evil and men are good. Well done
@SENSEF9 ай бұрын
Nonsense. I wanted my husband to NEVER change, he took off the mask once we married. Look up love bombing. And narcissism.
@sundari555-f2g9 ай бұрын
It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for 70 years, realize that you never really know a person.🧿
@beyond_the_infinite209810 ай бұрын
It's more basic. People need to marry a spouse that has the same or similar Weltanschauung. A similar worldview, similar philosophical or religious beliefs are usually necessary for a long term relationship. My wife and I are both conservative Christians with similar political views. We share Biblical principles in our marriage and life. We have been faithfully married for 43 years and are still in love. edit btw we dated for a few years before tying the knot. Most engagements are way too short.
@cianamartin393210 ай бұрын
If you waited a few years, you both probably were sleeping together before marriage ..conservative my butt!
@Mcfctreble2310 ай бұрын
In my experience women think they can do better than you and especially if they have single/ divorced friends whispering in their ears.
@blueskies703510 ай бұрын
Yeah. It's the one point that I was skeptical of the attorney, where he talks about what makes women drawn to men; it's always different and evolving. In a nutshell, women are competitive with eachother and their desires are shaped by the opinions of their friends.
@Orlando_Steve10 ай бұрын
Oh I can vouch for this first hand. The marriages in my friend group started falling like dominoes with the divorce instigated by the woman every single time. These bitches want to drag each other down. They all end up unhappy and bitter which is just what they deserve.
@suebotchie416710 ай бұрын
Frenemies
@Cyber-Rain10 ай бұрын
I've noticed that a while ago. These lonely, jealous "friends" will spew poison into her ears. They arm her with the tools to destroy her own relationship/marriage. "You're too good for him. You should leave him." or "You deserve to loosen up. Let's go have some _fun_ over here. He doesn't have to know the whole details." She listens to them and follows through with it. Years go by, and she realizes that the grass on the other side is either dead or astroturf. She wants him back. He's moved on and is doing better, either by himself or with another woman. The real kicker is when you realize who ratted her out and/or who is now trying to put the moves on her single ex. Frenemies.
@CodeBleu72410 ай бұрын
@@Cyber-Rain They become unhinged when you move on, like we're supposed to wait around for her to come back or "fight" for her. No. Life is too short for that nonsense. Women really underestimate how fast men rationalize and internalize situations and move forward accordingly and when we do, we get told we never cared or loved them.
@LexJoeHome8 ай бұрын
"You live and die by your reputation..." Absolutely true no matter what you are doing. A positive reputation takes a long time to build and seconds to destroy.
@iamcedricpowell805110 ай бұрын
Very accurate. Disconnection. He explained it perfectly
@andrewvangils31126 ай бұрын
Love this guy. Super fair and everytime I watch a video with him as a guest or host, I learn something new.
@user-sq9dv7ru7v10 ай бұрын
There is parable about the frog and the scorpion. The scorpion convinces the frog to carry it over the river despite the frog fearing a fatal sting. The scorpion promises not to sting so the frog carries the scorpion. Halfway across the scorpion stings the frog. The frog asks why and the scorpion says ”It’s my nature.” That is marriage. It’s women’s nature.
@darbyohara10 ай бұрын
Yup. Check EVER historical text and civilization and how they talk about marriage/relationships between men and women, nowhere do they say they’re equals. The ancients recognized human nature and they constructed and fine tuned it over generations. We then totally fucked it up in 50-60 years 😂
@powerliterature10 ай бұрын
Great conversation. I needed that. Thank you.
@rogermccullough77899 ай бұрын
I think the reason so many couples who still basically love each other split up is that one or both stop affirming the other. “Disconnected” is a good term. As humans, we need affirmation. At different times of our lives we may need more and that should come from our partners, but often we get that affirmation outside the relationship.
@ansar71410 ай бұрын
If it's easy to break the marriage contract it's easier for people to consider a divorce lol.Its not complicated, people eventually get tired of each other also.
@lindafogarty392410 ай бұрын
Excellent interview and you asked such excellent questions, thank-you.
@DanielKoch-kw6fw9 ай бұрын
Greetings beloved 💕I hope you don’t feel I’m bothering you,I can’t just inbox for no reason, if I’m permitted i can tell you what I sensed
@justmyopinion05310 ай бұрын
I really think if you both can define your love language, honor your partners, understand your attachment style and if needed, get the therapy, be cognizant of your partners needs, treat each other with respect then your chance of keeping a happy relationship alive is exponentially high.
@tigermedz10 ай бұрын
But if it's not natural for both of you to act that way, it feels forced. You're basically going through the motions to make the other person feel better. It sounds very uninspiring.
@Zuluisms9 ай бұрын
you have to find someone you’re willing to do it for. relationships based on “what can I do for my partner today,” instead of what can my partner do for me today work best, last longest, and have the most fulfilled partners. BOTH parties have to be giving to one another. otherwise what’s the point?
@BrandonD10 ай бұрын
As a relationship consultant and dating influencer I will tell you it’s social media and emotional cheating ending more relationships than finances
@raoulberret302410 ай бұрын
Disconnection is complete .. Marriage is HARD WORK. Marriage is commitment and responsibility of both parties. One does not get married to be happy nor because one is in love. One gets married to create something far larger than either one or party can achieve on his/her own, and often it means starting a family. Love is something one BUILDS, not something one FINDS. Always feelings, wants and desires… What a waste…
@foumar521710 ай бұрын
He really looks like a lawyer and talks like a counselor 😁
@aramebrahimi37549 ай бұрын
The world needs more men like these! Kudos
@blackknight955810 ай бұрын
"Not every thing can be the most important thing."
@thenewtowncryer10 ай бұрын
There is much better [more clear] perspective/advice out there than what is offered here but I appreciate the effort.
@ThePatynight10 ай бұрын
Perfect explanation. It’s really is disconnection
@nichollebraspennickx9439 ай бұрын
I always enjoy this divorce lawyer… great speaker and very insightful..
@jimbrown464010 ай бұрын
Three words, affection, respect and loyalty. Women pretend to have these things in abundance while dating and engaged, but after a year or so, it all goes away.
@haileyt8579 ай бұрын
Same with men. It's a disconnect between everybody. I know why you'd never have a successful marriage due to your comment though. Nice generalization.
@hirokim819 ай бұрын
Darn, that was a very good speech. Going through a break up myself, he put things in good perspective. I hope never reaches to the point of talking to a lawyer though.
@MrUFCFan1234510 ай бұрын
It can all be traced back to when smart phones and social media began. These 2 things played a massive role in divorce because of variety of options especially in favor of women People, in general, are only as faithful as their options. Primarily women, if you look at who initates divorce it’s women due to the fact that they have abundance of options a click away
@mazengwe2810 ай бұрын
Instagram was the Pandora's box that expanded the Vanity in modern society, mainly women.
@Orlando_Steve10 ай бұрын
Women instigate divorce 80% of the time. If another option becomes available for a woman she will use any minor infraction of the husband as justification of her adultery. Forget the years of sacrifice and everything the man did for her. Women have no sense of loyalty or accountability.
@hybriddude00710 ай бұрын
Women can get sex way easier than men, but they are not good at getting commitment, high value men are in charge of giving women commitment. When it comes to getting commitment from a high value man, it’s only her personality, and deeds that matter. With social media, and high body count of women, I don’t see how modern day women can ever get a committed relationship from a man that they desire.
@Rambleon4449 ай бұрын
I heard a Jordan Petterson interview on the Adam Carrola show and he said. The relationship comes first it comes before the husband it comes before the wife and it definitely comes before the children. Without the relationship, everyone suffers and it is definitely the case that the best thing you can model for your kids is how to be a responsible adult, and how to be a responsible adult in a long-term relationship.
@denniedollreborn871110 ай бұрын
I’ll just admit it I’m too selfish to be in a relationship or probably even date. I just want to do what I want and I’m not willing to bend an inch for anyone. Atleast I accept it
@Essence5610 ай бұрын
How old were you when you realized that you’re too selfish to be in a relationship?
@Nancy-uc2tu10 ай бұрын
Marriage is work. It’s not all peaches and cream. It’s compromise, it’s knowing you’re not going to get your way all of the time. On occasions, it’s deferring to the other person. During an argument, you have to ask yourself “is this the hill I want to die on?” It’s not being the man. It’s being the lady, housewife and mother. It’s a rewarding job. It’s being best friends and lovers. I’ve been married for many years. It hasn’t all been a bed of roses. There are times I want to ring his neck but hey, I’m not perfect either. We still have date night where we can connect as a couple and not just husband and wife.
@BigHomieSteveTheMetalHead10 ай бұрын
What are your thoughts on this new hyper-resentful attitude of women online who complain about chores/division of labor and their emotions not being coddled enough, so they punish their man by not having sex with him and generally treating him with disdain. I'm being less generous in my description than these women would like, but that's what it boils down to. I'm seeing this attitude a lot on "relationship advice" channels, aka man bashing channels.
@Nancy-uc2tu10 ай бұрын
@@BigHomieSteveTheMetalHead I don’t like it. They’ll never find a man. They have unrealistic expectations and standards. And they complain they can’t find a good man. Good men want good women. I don’t see ladies anymore. I see “adult” children.
@BigHomieSteveTheMetalHead10 ай бұрын
@@Nancy-uc2tu absolutely, good men care deeply about making their spouse happy but it's often impossible to make a woman happy because she cannot be satisfied with what she does have rather than what she doesn't have. It's never enough with someone like that, no matter how hard you try, and then you realize you're bending over backwards for someone who isn't grateful and doesn't reciprocate. It's sad, most men just want a happy family and to have a peaceful life, many of us are losing hope in that being achievable in this hyper-resentful environment.
@Nancy-uc2tu10 ай бұрын
@@BigHomieSteveTheMetalHead Agreed
@Cyber-Rain10 ай бұрын
@bighomiestevethemetalhead8131 It's never enough. That goalpost is always on the move. "Well maybe if you did this..." It gets accomplished. "Well maybe if you did that..." It gets accomplished. "I don't know." 2nd or 3rd strike, most likely she's the issue. If that is the case, it is completely unfair to think it is someone else's job to fix it and hold it against them when they fail. The real problem was internal.
@josi7710 ай бұрын
Today you just hear " I am looking for this", "I want this" ecc, but no one talks about what they can offer.
@jovandavidovic110 ай бұрын
narcissists are everywhere around
@kateruterbories269210 ай бұрын
That's exactly right.
@annc5609 ай бұрын
There is so much anger among people now. It's non-stop from television - about everything. And folks let that play in the background of their homes all day. Turn it off. Respect is gone, self control is gone, trying to work out a win-win solution, and a reverence for what marriage was supposed to be - all gone. There's a few of us left, but our advice to the younger ones is dismissed.
@kristinayoung653510 ай бұрын
The thing about my husband he doesn't help much around the house which pisses me off. Then I work too. He is a really good dad and he loves his kids and doesn't want to split. I just wish he was more connected to me he is very independent and does his own thing. I been with him half my life 14 years I'm 30 almost 31.
@Princetonian4eva10 ай бұрын
The sad thing is that THIS is what is so common but a lot of men refuse to acknowledge.
@rosej502910 ай бұрын
Couples turn a blind eye to incompatibility/red flags/what otherwise would be deal breakers during courtship phase and/or think they can change their partner to who they want them to become once they get married!
@Moriningland10 ай бұрын
Relationships, marriage and love aren’t worth the trouble.
@timc249310 ай бұрын
It’s the narcissist and codependency dance. Trauma bonds and manipulation always!
@Orlando_Steve10 ай бұрын
Psychobabble nonsense. Literally everyone is a narcissist according to the internet.
@lukemwenya19 ай бұрын
I watched him when he came on on Soft White Underbelly. Man the level of insight into how things happen as put by him was astounding.
@Thedesertguy759 ай бұрын
This guy is an insightful lawyer. I think another reason is thinking "I deserve better" what else is out there.... abandoning the now. I'm guilty of that. 😢
@tamcole853310 ай бұрын
People don’t truly understand what those vows mean. It says “for better or for worse” for a reason. Happiness is a sliding scale in marriage, therefore one should not solely or mainly base the marriage on this because of this very reason.
@CodeBleu72410 ай бұрын
Happiness is the pursuit of it, not an end result. It's like any other emotion. It comes and goes. So many women are on SSRIs today because they fail to understand this.
@sarrjel10 ай бұрын
I also think it’s high expectations, bad behavior, broken families, narcissism and government being involved in the house hold. Women who are in a man’s home is the agent of the state. Let me repeat this, your girlfriend, significant other, house wife or escort, whatever you want to call her. She is an Agent of the State. If she leaves her tooth brush, her underpants, her scarf, she can make a phone call and tell the court that she lives with him, er man. It doesn’t matter if the man just wants sex or have someone to talk to. She’s thinking about him being the boyfriend and husband and after 2 years she can have a case against the guy to get him kicked out of his house or apartment and say he hit her or whatever, even though she hit herself or fell down the stairs. She’ll get him kicked out of his house and live there and put on a show that they were together for a number of years while the guy is sitting in jail, lose his job and living out of his car and trying to get her out of his house and his life. That’s the new woman of 2020 who is literally a squatter and prositute and committing legalized felonies. If she gets pregnant then it becomes a real circus.
@sardonumspa811310 ай бұрын
Yea, that’s not all of it but you are on the right track! When she takes you to court for child support or divorce she is an agent for the state in legal terms. Your family law Atty knows this and will never tell you the real nature of family court. It’s a for profit business and they are all in on it together including your lawyer!
@TLACY60610 ай бұрын
Are you talking about common law marriage? because that’s only in certain states. If a woman is leaving things just tell her to take it with her or drop it off to her. Ain’t no moving in from the jump. Legally they aren’t entitled unless she signed the lease or mortgage with you or it’s a common law state and 2-3 years of her living there, or whatever the timeframe for that specific state is.
@sandra-RUOK10 ай бұрын
Dog shit.
@frankrizzo526210 ай бұрын
The biggest marriage killer in my life is my mom… never seen a marriage survive a relationship with her in the picture
@davidc440810 ай бұрын
She is jealous and feels she will be forgotten
@darbyohara10 ай бұрын
@@davidc4408she will. That’s part of life mom. Get over it. It’s easier for mom to let go if she’s got a husband too
@davidc440810 ай бұрын
@@darbyohara not really. If he has had good relationship with mum, she will always be in life and love her in different way. She is blood. However, she may feel jealous if she is left out.
@rvrgrrl9 ай бұрын
This divorce lawyer is a wise, compassionate person. If my spouse and I weren't doing it DIY, this would be the kind of atty to have! I also think he's 💯 re: disconnection. As evidenced by several of the comments, it's tempting to judge others who are ending their marriages. I try to remember that no one truly knows what someone else's relationship is like on the inside, and they don't owe anyone an explanation. I used to think being married for 70 years was an ultimate goal, but that approach doesn't work for everyone and it's okay to end a marriage that isn't working.
@mztokyo763010 ай бұрын
Disrespect by one spouse that leads to contempt. There is no recovery from disrespect and contempt. Women, appreciate all that your good man does for you; don't take him for granted. Men, let your wife know your needs, don't put up with all the excuses a woman will give you for not doing housework, lack of intimacy, etc. Hold your ground. And if your wife is the greater provider etc. , appreciate her every day.
@ghihbgyu10 ай бұрын
So the woman should appreciate everything the man does for her and the man should always let the woman know what his need are. What about vice versa?
@georgecurly596510 ай бұрын
@@ghihbgyu The assymetry is based on the fact that it usually is the man who is the greater provider. The comment was directed against those women who think that they are entitled to all the material support their husband provides and they can still consistely fail to discharge their duties as a home maker or withould intimacy from him.
@ghihbgyu10 ай бұрын
@@georgecurly5965 I get that, but I also know that plenty of sahms overwork themselves day and night doing free labour at home and are taken for granted 'since they don't work and therefore have it easy'. Assuming that your spouse has it easier is not a good foundation for a relationship. Also 'withold intimacy'? You think of sex as a job that the wife must do for the husband and not something the husband also has a responsibility to nurture by being considerate and loving to his wife? Rarely do people want to spread their legs to someone who thinks of them as a masturbation appliance.
@laurenbatson591810 ай бұрын
@@georgecurly5965 are there really enough of those situations out there? Or is that there are enough of those situations within the pool of divorce candidates (to make the comment relevant)?
@catherineball758410 ай бұрын
@georgecurly5965 how about men withholding intimacy. I've been on the receiving end of that one and I walked away after 6 yrs without it.
@nikolaybabinov99169 ай бұрын
Smart and honest person, I think...
@5705410 ай бұрын
Most college educated women with a career and financial independence will not follow a man's lead. I've never seen so many single and divorced middle aged professional women in work environments in circles that I associate in. Seems like 70% of them.
@Chambermenz9 ай бұрын
Wouldn't make sense to follow the lead of someone who's less accomplished, lazier, and dumber.🤷🏻♀️
@jasonmoxley46510 ай бұрын
Yet to meet a lawyer that doesn’t push conflict.
@brianallen14010 ай бұрын
You don't get out much
@private-private10 ай бұрын
I think you dont get out much Brian as I’ve yet to meet a lawyer who doesn’t push conflict either.
@brianallen14010 ай бұрын
@@private-private ok
@makalu8779 ай бұрын
@@private-private Conflict=more $
@karenabrams898610 ай бұрын
Sometimes we just outgrow partners and friends. It’s better to move on than stay stuck and miserable. The marriages I saw that lasted until someone died looked horrible. Especially this couple I grew up with because the wife babysat me. They were married for like 50 + years and were full of hate for each other. She wire brushed his car one time because she was mad. He played chronic victim at the senior center. Yuck.
@jakeforrest9 ай бұрын
Some people just “deserve” each other (If they are equally horrible)
@karenabrams89869 ай бұрын
@@jakeforrest no way! Too much collateral damage happens from those sick marriages!
@Justamillenialworkinmomma10 ай бұрын
You hit the nail on the head.
@michaelking457810 ай бұрын
Feminism. The end.
@Orlando_Steve10 ай бұрын
Feminism plus the gynocratic legal system of which this guy is part.
@Chambermenz9 ай бұрын
Thank God for it. Too bad courts and law enforcement are still dominated by men. It could be so much easier for feminist to get more legal protections for women and children if those systems had more gender balance.
@ClearThePath9 ай бұрын
There's an energetic shift on the planet. Our emotions can no longer be surpressed. Our inner truths can no longer be hidden and must surface to be healed. The same thing is happening externally. All of what you said are a consequence of this planetary shift. All of this will intensify.
@johnnyzeee521510 ай бұрын
It all boils down to money. If she thinks your cash, and ability to provide for her is running out, her honey dries up. And she is gone for another guy.
@chriss432510 ай бұрын
Yea, most can't afford to be their father!
@pamelamccarthy141210 ай бұрын
My X husband came to a point where refused to work, and he was always on the prowl for another woman. He told me I didn't make enough money for him. There are actually a lot of men like this too. It goes both ways, and it feels terrible whether you're a man or a woman.
@johnnyzeee521510 ай бұрын
@@pamelamccarthy1412 Well, married makes it an entirely different thing. A man then has the legal, societal, familial and possibly religious obligation to provide for and support his wife, and children if any. And if he doesn't she may rightly leave him. He may perhaps have been selfish and tricky enough to hide from you that's how he really was. I believe the focus of 90+ percent of these " how to be a guy ", or " relationship advice " videos, are people dating, or living together.
@divekatdreaming9 ай бұрын
Well, that man is brilliant.
@pauldavis196310 ай бұрын
If a divorce lawyer does not know the answer, then don't get married.
@Princetonian4eva10 ай бұрын
That’s weird logic. He’s a specialist of divorce, not marriage.