Dr. David Buss: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term

[@juanpabloaranovich5619]

My notes: Qualities that humans desire: Long term: - Is rare in the mammalian world. - Universal preferences. Everyone wants: ○ Kindness ○ Intelligence ○ Love ○ Good health ○ Dependability ○ Emotional stability - Sex differences: ○ Women prefer good earning capacity, slight older age, and qualities associated with resource acquisition (ambitious, trajectory, social status). Mate choice copying: if a guy passes the filter of another women, he is more likely to be approved by for women. ○ Women have more olfatory and auditory capabilities. ○ The costs of choosing badly are much heavier for women. ○ Men prefer § phyisical atractiveness, cues that men look are not arbirtrary: clear skin, clear eyes, symetrical features, low waist hip ratio, lips, hair. Men look for someone to procreate and thereby the age gap § Virginity was the most desire quality across cultures. Deception: men exagerate feelings for a woman and their coincidence of values. Emotional stability: how does partner respond to stress? How do they react on a different and new environment? This is a key thing for healthy long term relationships. Short term: - Physical appearence is more important in short term. Especially for women. Men are willing to drop their standars in short term. - Women want bad boy qualities, very self confident, arrogant, risk taking. (for long term they look "good dad" qualities"). Womens attraction to men is more context specific. Sexual Infidelity: Sexes differ in the reasons: - For men its a matter of sexual variety. Low risk, low cost for sexual variety. 70% of men cheat because of this. Men who are happily married and unhappiliy married cheat at the same rate. - For women, emotionally and sexually unhappy with the relationship. 70% of women who cheat say that they fell in love with their cheating partner, and that they are emotionally involved. ○ Why women cheat? § Dual mating strategy hypothesis: women look for resources from one guy and genes from other guy. § Mate switching hypothesis: mate insurance. When women are ovulating they shift preferences are very weak or non-existent. Emotional infideltity: becoming emotionally involved with other person Financial infidelity: keeping secret bank accounts, secret credit cards, etc… Jealousy: is an evolved emotion that serves adaptive funtions. - Its a defense to your long-term investment in the relationship. Its a mate retention function. - Its active when there are threats to the relationship. And it can activate when there are mate value discrepancies (one suddenly is more succesful, suddenly emotionally unstable, more fat, etc). Dark triad: three personality characteristics 1. Narcisicism: excess of self-percieved value 2. Machaivelism: view people as pawns to pursue a strategy. 3. Psychopathy: lack of empathy.

[@pratikshatiwari7011]

So which gender is better then???

[@OO-ct4hq]

@@pratikshatiwari7011 for what?

[@pratikshatiwari7011]

@@OO-ct4hq overall. Like who is better???

[@OO-ct4hq]

@@pratikshatiwari7011 they are good at different things.

[@erinchung2282]

Thank you so much Juan Pablo for this summary! I really found the cheating differences in men and women to be fascitinating.

[@maggyfrog]

shoutout to all the other single people out there 🥂

[@hubermanlab]

I think best to know this information prior to marriage, ideally. But at any stage.

[@maggyfrog]

@@hubermanlab awesome content as per usual 🎸

[@_negentropy_]

@@hubermanlab would you be willing to tell us which information you found most important and what changes it’s brought about in your behaviour or how you’re applying it to your life?

[@veronicafox399]

For life!

[@mobnometry1573]

@@hubermanlab Why? None of these studies are of high quality. All starting from the horrid McKinsey studies. I'm surprised you invited this person here. They don't offer actual criticisms against what they're talking about. Social scientist at its finest

[@Layziethug5]

This is by far the most sophisticated "guy talk" I have ever witnessed. Well done, gentlemen!

[@AmbienceAssistant]

Ok the discussion of intimate violence as a way to reduce a woman’s perceived value was legitimately life changing for me. It happened to me and I never had a means to understand or express it. Thank you so much.

[@howtosober]

Make no mistake, however, NOTHING excuses violence.

[@gksurabhi]

Voila ! The cat is out of the bag Although it's always been an open secret. Power Struggle.

[@bellelacroix5938]

It's in the MRA Playbook like slow boiling a frog until you feel so worthless and unattractive to anyone in the world they've got you just where they want you stuck in the house where they can just keep having their fun treating you like s*** which is a turn on for them before they lock you in and go have sex with someone else.

[@karleykathleen4945]

@@howtosober Understanding the motivation doesn't validate it.

[@AgnesMoller-y8d]

Women use the tool more than men

[@stolenjunk]

When being beautiful or handsome fades, the muscles weaken and the skin sags, and the hormones wane all you have left is what inside your heart. That is the essence of your true being. Youth does not last forever. And if you want to die alone, remain shallow.

[@easeandcomposure657]

Spotify just told me I spent 4500 minutes this year listening to you. No regrets, I can really say that this year would have been very different without those 4500 minutes! A big thanks for all the fascinating ideas and all the useful practical insights. There is no podcast that combines the two as flawlessly as you.

[@船長ネモ-f4w]

@Andrew▫️ Huberman I didn't find his profile in Spotify

[@Lauri226]

Omg now that's funny

[@brofessormex]

4500 is half.

[@MrBluntNose]

Time well spent

[@coimbralaw]

Kind of sucker to pay for something that is available for free here on KZbin, no?

[@vhyome9786]

This podcast is genuinely one of the best and of supreme quality. What a massive service you are doing to humanity, Andrew, making thousands of lives better with ideas and proper action. This is the best use that internet and technology and sites like KZbin offer. Magnificent.

[@electric1609]

This. Just look at the sub count climbing like mad. Has the channel even been out for a year!?

[@DannySullivanMusic]

exactly. utterly right!

[@SmackedyDoo]

lol. Supreme quality! Massive service! Magnificent! Subscribers are mad climbing! Utterly! This reply was not paid for!!!! lol

[@peteroconnor6394]

Sure, if you think the human being is only an animal.

[@jameywilliams1153]

@@peteroconnor6394 I love evolutionary biology but I think there is a spiritual component as well.

[@kennedylove2433]

Your podcast has changed my habits and, as a consequence of that, my life for the better. I shared your tips with so many friends and I’ve seen the benefits they’ve gotten out of them. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Huberman.

[@xxamazingfruitsssxx]

what new regimens have you undertaken or how have you changed

[@sridharvaishnava9003]

Yeah what changes have you made based on what videos? Thanks for sharing

[@toddbradley9184]

I’ll

[@sweetieturner3377]

echo ~ completely !

[@lubomirdinchev334]

Go, Andrew! Go, Andrew! Go, Andrew!

[@teresaoconnell4790]

I was telling my daughter about one of your guests and she told me she likes the Huberman Podcast! She already had discovered you. I'm proud of her for being so intelligent.

[@Ninsidhe]

Hopefully she’s now continuing her education regarding ‘intelligent men’ and their willingness to be horrible partners and individuals because that is also crucial to education when it comes to men, dating and relationships. I wish her a wonderful life free of individuals like he’s proven himself to be relationally.

[@filthyvibes4768]

We dont care lol​@@Ninsidhe

[@jenmdawg]

What amazes me is how few of us are ok being alone and stigmatize those who are single. I believe most abuse occurs because of this… abusers seek out those who feel vulnerable on their own and victims tolerate early warning signs out of dread of being alone.

[@chrysanthesky]

Your channel is one of the reasons why I look forward to Mondays, such a treasure to science lovers all around the world.

[@gracewheeler20]

Great conversation. The conversation about infidelity and desire for novelty despite being in a healthy and happy relationship is a strong factor which inhibits my desire to date.

[@Feber2001]

Saaaaaaaaaaaameeeeee.

[@sexyblackjag]

I date...I just don't take any men seriously. I keep multiples on my roster at once that way when one gets on fmy nerves there is another to lift my spirits.

[@sonofhibbs4425]

@@M.othman-b5l GONE.

[@slauzon01]

@@sexyblackjag You just described 80 % of females.

[@AB-sm1qf]

This is what’s affecting and discouraging a lot of young women from dating and contributing to the sexless crisis in younger men. Guys just see it as “OMG we’re not getting boned” instead of the fact that women have realized and accepted getting attached to a man isn’t worth it basically. It’s kinda depressing.

[@ricardodelacrvz1400]

There is a lot to be discussed when it comes to infidelity. Cheating has a physiological impact on the body and emotional state of the cheater and in the whole relationship dynamic. Unless the truth is revealed to the betrayed, the accumulation of guilt over time will shock thought patterns and subconscious behaviour. Anxiety levels, irregular heartbeat, insomnia, overral unhealthy lifestyle. I would even go as far as saying it reduces lifespan. Unless you are a sociopath.

[@wabbit6653]

Didn't know that. I do get insomonia sometimes

[@azaleaslightsage1271]

So true Bad health is another most cheating men have And let's not forget about the HPV Virus that causes cancers is responsible for cervical cancer,throat cancer, penile cancer just to name a few In fact it's a big cancer causing virus that's sexually transmitted, many different strains of it, the more sexual partners you have the more strains of it you get & pass on. NOBODY is talking about it though, no male Dr will ever mention it, why Because then women would stop making themselves so easily freely available for sex. True story!

[@catcat9582]

It can cause ptsd. Betrayal/ attachment trauma is horrible

[@srleplay]

Buss: You can't have long term affairs with six different women Huberman: Challenge accepted

[@tamaraalashvili3221]

im dead 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@Ninsidhe]

@@yvonnejensen1969 so what? Bipolar means ‘ok to lie about being monogamous and potentially exposing my partner to sexual disease?’ Just the fact that he wanted an IVF baby instead of conceiving naturally because ‘tech bro’ reasons…

[@Deelitee]

What’s the timestamp??

[@TrueWalker88]

@@Ninsidhe Weird conclusion you drew there from a two word statement.

[@oklu_]

best comment

[@Danny-qr5yq]

57:57 for those looking for that specific clip. IYKYK

[@annekenney6914]

His forehead vein really popped out at that point. 😂

[@flowersinflow]

There's a cut up version going around right now.

[@Miko-c3u]

Bumpin this

[@OliviaLovesCats2002]

Thank you!!!!

[@oklu_]

what a scene 👍🏻👍🏻

[@ForzaTerra89]

You should interview Helen Fisher. She studies romantic love. I feel like a lot of her research contradicts some of his findings. Would make for an interesting point of view

[@emilybarry9410]

This was a FASCINATING discussion, THank you Andrew and Dr. Buss!!! Dr. Buss's book is next on my list and I can't wait to dive in. I think Andrew should have a 📚book club📚 with all these great recommendations, who's down to join that with me?!💜🙏

[@toutounr8120]

100%!!!

[@Ryan.G.Spalding]

I had this same thought, but I suppose the comment section on KZbin is kind of the book club.. I still think there is still room for some other social platform around this podcast to develop.

[@Nah-ah]

Yes!

[@ebasilio4404]

Thank you Dr Huberman for bringing zero cost high value information like this

[@pragmatismismyjam8236]

This podcast was a self fulfilling prophesy. For all the “improvements” and good health advice you forgot to focus on building good character and how that will prolong the life.😊

[@lukegarcetti1104]

Yes this guest is popular in incel and conservative communities

[@seekeroftruth399]

Someone once told me, "If you want to get married, you have to do that before you know what you're doing, or you'll never do it" and "If you want to have children, you have to do it before you know what you're doing, or you'll never do it."

[@monacoofthebluepacific2571]

So true LOL! I didn't know anything about marriage or living with someone until I got married😆. Same with children, I had to figure it out while raising them 😁

[@bluecollarlit]

A woman from the World War II generation told me that, too.

[@_negentropy_]

A note on the mate-value data. The Buss studies referenced in this episode were conducted in the mid 1980s with a small revisit in 1996. Participants: college students, avg age 20/21. For context, the frontal lobe where decision making, future planning, and self-management kick off (among many other functions), isn’t fully formed until roughly 24yo. Also male participants would have been at peak testosterone levels-strong driver of libido. So high on sex drive, short on decision making. Can we really interpret this data as anything more sophisticated than the mate preferences of randy college students with likely no long-term relationship experience? But even if we ignore that, the data itself is less dramatic than presented in this episode. Yes 21yo women in the mid 1980s who hadn’t adulted yet and had lower economic glass ceilings to contend with did prefer someone with good financial prospects more so then the 20yo guys with zero glass ceiling to contend with. But it ranked 11/18. There were still 10 other things she preferred more than a dude’s money prospects. Cont’d in comments…

[@_negentropy_]

Cont’d…An enormous mate-value survey conducted by the BBC in 2005 may offer a more current perspective. A paper by Lippa (2007) analysed the survey data and compared both evolutionary and social structural theories to the findings. His analysis looked at 200k + of the participants, mean age was 32, most were married or in long term relationships, with representation from both heteronormative and same-sex orientation. Here’s the kicker: there were no sex differences in preference for money, social status and prosperity at all, and importantly those criteria ranked lowest (21, 22, 23/23) for cis-het men and women. So why are we still talking about it like it’s a thing? Lippa makes a number of balanced and solid points in this paper, perhaps the most salient is that the data supports both evolutionary AND social structural influences on mate-value and “researchers who study sex differences in mate preferences should instead systematically explore each theory’s valid domains of application” (p. 208). Lippa, R. A. (2007). The Preferred Traits of Mates in a Cross-National Study of Heterosexual and Homosexual Men and Women: An Examination of Biological and Cultural Influences. Arch Sex Behav, 36, 193-208. doi: 10.1007/s10508-006-9151-2

[@DiaboloMootopia]

@@_negentropy_ Thanks for all this info! Some of the points did strike me as too much extrapolation from a specific situation.

[@_negentropy_]

@@DiaboloMootopia You’re welcome, Ian. Glad it’s helpful. I think your instincts are bang on. There’s a really fair counter perspective of EP over on the Neuro Transmissions channel that addresses the extrapolation issue rather succinctly. The title of the episode is somewhat sharp (you’ll know it when you see it) but he makes a number salient points both in support of EP and where it can fail in execution. Happy New Year! Take care.

[@RatPfink66]

@@_negentropy_ That's Britain vs the USA. Doesn't do us Americans a lot of good. Money and work and the social status they bring are the prime movers of life in our society.

[@_negentropy_]

@@RatPfink66 53 countries were represented with a large cohort from US and Canada. Your comment would also confirm that it’s a cultural phenomenon not an evolutionary one as Buss suggests.

[@johnhunt1813]

Fear of rejection can be very complex, too. In high school, there was this kid whose "stock" plummeted like crazy because he asked every girl out. This is interesting to me because it brings up social and sexual selection from group dynamics and the fear of group dynamics, as opposed to just personal self worth.

[@PlayshotKalo]

I mean same concept as the girl who slept with every guy in school so her dating value plummets. Nobody wants someone who’s for everyone and has no standards lol

[@rishabhaniket1952]

He has written the definitive book on Evolutionary Psychology…….amazing that you got him. Cheers sir

[@StarFlo657]

Section people are looking for starts around the 57:00 mark in the Long-Term vs. Short Term Cheating, Concealment section. Can't wait for the New Yorker to go after powerful businessmen/entertainment figures involved in polyamory in addition to educational podcasters trying to help people better themselves.

[@peybak]

I read the article. I think it is a hit piece but tbh no doubt that AH is guilty of a bit of disloyalty and hypocrisy. I think people should decide that for themselves. I've also noticed some of his idea have gotten flak from medical doctors recently. It might be the price of fame, incompetency, who knows. But everything should be taken with a grain of salt.

[@carolynwilson7736]

Financial infidelity becomes a bigger issue as we get older. All forms of infidelity- physical, emotional and financial - comes down to lack of transparency and betrayal in a relationship. If you can’t tell your partner about it, it’s obviously cheating.

[@raosiddhesh28]

Just in time doctor, this is most underated topic that is all around us, but nobody talks about.

[@BoloBouncer]

Speaking as someone with extreme mania (when unmedicated), there's this almost comedic difference between my relationship/mating styles when manic and those when baseline. When I'm manic, I'm full dark triad almost to the point of absurdity. It feels like being some magician or puppetmaster that has all the energy and drive to get whatever you want from someone. That energy and charisma works extremely well in the dating world, even though it's a really bad situation overall. People are just drawn to it. But when I'm baseline, my relationships are almost Married With Children levels of blasé. They're straight up boring in comparison to the manic side. So you can imagine how disappointed people were when they'd fall for this almost superhuman energetic ambitious person and suddenly be with a slug. Luckily I've been medicated for years and that's no longer an issue. Mania is scary and unsustainable. But its effects certainly speaks to those strategies and some of the weird circumstances people don't normally consider.

[@veronicafox399]

Thank you for sharing your very personal experience. You'd be a great person to discuss this kind of stuff with because you're so open and have the self awareness. I work as a mental health tech, and I've briefly dated more than one person with bipolar and cluster B personality to boot. The last one, however, was not anywhere near as self aware nor as open.

[@vincegarcia8342]

I don’t think you interrupt too often. I think you have a good balance of letting your guest speak and you asking interesting questions that give more context. I would say out of 100 times your ask a question or “interrupt” like 1 or 2 times may be a bit too soon. So I think you do a great job. Love your channel! Doing gods work, I’ve learned so much

[@gustericaaa]

What I have learned over the years is that there is a difference between what people say they want (especially men) and what they actually want/end up with.

[@nathalieforage4653]

OMG OMG OMG thank you thank you thank you 🙏 15 years ago I divorced the father of my children a 20 year relationship. He has been the most angry critical psychologicaly and verbaly abusive AH ever since. It has played on my self esteem to the point where I had to seek CODA 12 step group. I understand now the mechanisms that motivate his behaviors. He is lowering me on the dating scale. IM TAKING MY POWER BACK BABY!!!!

[@allangraham3649]

Big Thank you to David, yourself and all those involved in making the podcast happen as always!

[@wednesday6018]

Over two hours of intellectual stimulation. Thanks for another great dopamine hit Huberman. Much appreciated. This episode was fascinating. My thoughts will be running wild on this one for a while.

[@zakia484]

Dr. Huberman, what a fascinating episode! I wish you had touched upon the angle of how social media affects our perception of physical attractiveness, and the excess "mental clutter" that we're bombarded with and its influence in biasing us towards certain stereotypes in the significant other and ourselves as well. Maybe in a future episode?

[@Nickademas1]

Birth control.

[@Martin46154]

He did talk about social media in the part Deception about courtship

[@spacebar9733]

@@Martin46154 not how it affects our perception of physical attractiveness.

[@chasingescape]

Thank you for what you do. You are fortunate to be able to provide such an impactful, and objective platform. Your interview skills, humility, emotional intelligence and class are beyond anything anyone has ever done. You are cool dude.

[@Betterdailyy]

Omg this is so true! My ex punched and choked me I called the cops and they literally said “ why you can’t control your woman “ that made me realize no one cares when men are abused

[@jeanne2b2b22]

Ivory I agree with you. My dad was physically attacked by alcohilic mother. She also beat us kids. He stayed to protect us, because back then the mothers always got custody.

[@derekcarruthers2197]

​@@jeanne2b2b22 they still do.

[@jimmydane34]

Such a bullshit statement.......if u drfended urself in anyway. Besides duck in a corner with a helmet on. Ur getting arrested for domestic violencr. And BOOM the house of cards. Shr divorces u. Now can claim the kids all week, take half of everything any counter offer? Why? Ur just a women beater by the eyes of the court.....and why would we believe a guy who beats up women...mr tough guy? As a male cop who knows the laws and knows the life AND the laws for a man.......he should ashamed of himself for asking u that

[@SerenityDreaming]

I care. My state doesn't even recognize that men can be raped. Out of every 1000 reported sexual assault/rape reports, around 4 of those cases... not 4%.... 4 cases... make it to trial. Only half of those result in a guilty verdict. Sexual violation is deeply-rooted historically as an act of war. Often the chance to commit rape was the entire point of war. The quote made by Mickey Rourkes' character in Immortals about the role of rape in war is an accurate depiction of the mentality of the ruling elite during early human history. The book Rape as a Biological Imperative is thicker than the Bible. It's horrifying. But anyone can be a victim. Sometimes men are even more vulnerable. And I've never known a male partner who wasn't victimized as a child. It's enough to make a person quit the human race. I hope the men who spoke here about their trauma find justice and peace. ✌️

[@jimmydane34]

@@SerenityDreaming 100% im glad women got to speak up and get justice and finally can get justice with the help of other Americans post "me too" movement (and sure the extremeists will always take advantage) but helped many women But its time to have men back in the discussion cause the blatant fact that mens feelings, and all the male.victoms living through life without anyone really caring. Time to help men as well Treat individuals as equal... Humans have a hard time doing it.

[@bluehairkim1]

Excellent episode! Thank you guys, brilliant work. It’s hard to accept that we deduce each other to numbers, but it does make sense once you explain it. I could never wrap myself around the concept and I thought it was coming from some type of competitive place so I just figured if I lost and threw the game it would bring peace. But I get it now, it’s more of matching each others needs and desires so it all balances out. I use to think one day when my long-term relationship was over that I would try to find someone that was so grateful to land me so that I’d never have to worry about the Power dynamic teeter totter or the warfare strategies that don’t belong in a long-term committed relationship. I can see where this takes away the teeter totter and the struggle for both parties as not everybody in life can completely rid them self of the desire to win, when it’s a win-win we can have peace! Thanks for making this a palatable lesson, I quite enjoyed it actually! I could listen to you guys for hours Follow up question, when you completely take away the teeter totter does the passion go away? Animalistic fear of mine…

[@mushtaqbhat1895]

Win Win for both? Yes used to be my wish too. However the hypothesis here makes it somehow mandatory to have at most a difference of 2 points on the postulated mate value scale, otherwise it is no Win-Win; which I think applies in most cases but not for the blessed ones, often neglected in history and media, since they do not make news but that I have myself witnessed more than once. Animalistic urges? That may depend on your age and the time you live in. Currently we live in a dopamine saturated times, where it may appear to be a loss even for the elderly. I think there is an overemphasis on biology and psychology, which no doubt reveal some important aspects of the phenomenon. However something equally important tends to be overlooked. Sociology and the stage of social evolution of our species. Especially sociology of the times, which would include culture, social structure and organization, means of production and the ecology. Add to that social norms, technologies like contraceptives, washing machines, economic freedom of females, the increasing intervention of state in custody or financial support of children with one parent and a lot more. Even in an industrialized western society you may notice the difference in the ethos of relationships in a relatively short period, as expressed in following two pop songs. A generation ago, the Beatles: “Will you still love/need me, when I am 64?” And a decade later, the songs of certain women, like “I am a bitch” or something similar from some one I have forgotten the name of.

[@bluehairkim1]

@@mushtaqbhat1895 Two points, I can understand this thought… But how does anybody ever know their number and if it’s any type of survivable number how do you live with the survivors guilt

[@mushtaqbhat1895]

@@bluehairkim1 Sorry it seems my reply gets deleted for some unknown to me reasons. I have never witnessed this before since the beginning of KZbin! It is probably a crazy advancement in AI algorithms that seems semantically underdeveloped.

[@JKfilmzor]

As a man now in this early thirties who ran through a gamut of long and short term relationships in his twenties this was illuminating. The relative nature of how women perceive male status could not be overstated. I’ve worked many kinds of jobs. Depending on the job I’ve been the centre of attention, engaging successfully with many women, and at others times I may as well have been completely invisible to society. My advice: be competent and be passionate about what you do. The right people will notice and give you opportunities to seduce them.

[@omarbriones2453]

Yeah - the gold diggers will notice you, assuming you have at least as much gold as they do.

[@leannhoward7306]

I would theorize that your perception that women value status so highly and that you didn't perceive yourself to have that status is what effected your results with them. When you are more self confident, that is what the women pick up on, not your actual status. I'm personally a little offended by Buss's claims, it has a negative connotation that women are just out for what they can get from a man financially or to boost their own social power. Those are ego driven, possibly borderline narcissistic motives and don't lead to true happiness, an enlightened woman knows that. I am not influenced by status and have my doubts about the full accuracy of Buss's work since he tends to lean toward an obsolete societal paradigm which can definitely skew your findings.

[@rejoyy]

@@leannhoward7306 of course a truth that doesn't flatter you is offensive to you. But truth is objective and it doesn't care about your feelings. Women are beauty objects to men and men are success objects to women. It has been ingrained in us due to millions of years of evolution and your feelings about what he says won't change that.

[@zandi3426]

@@rejoyy what she stated is not about feelings however it is about a higher truth. Biological urges are part of the truth as well, but in order to be objective we must apply higher intelligence to see what works in reality to create healthy relationships. This involves taking into consideration multiple aspects of the truth. In this instance we can understand that biologically men and women have certain urges by which they select mates, as you stated beauty or success. However this is not what determines whether a relationship will be long lasting and can grow in love. When we seek good character values, morality, and spiritual understanding above just biological urges, then results are usually better. This is part of the objective truth as well.

[@youtubedrifter5594]

@@leannhoward7306 Ahhh you just answered your own statement. Ego. A female ego is a very terrible thing. Especially when they are younger. This is why you felt slighted. Women do not like the truth if it does not suit their Outlook. This is an existential threat. Women seek status subconsciously and as they get older consciously. Just as a male can't help being attracted to a woman's beauty. It's not up to me. It doesn't offend me or make me feel slighted because I'm not letting my emotions over rule my logic on the matter. This is the problem with modern science and society as a whole. These studies have been replicated over and over as was stated. You can look them up yourself. Of course there will always be outliers. But the fact is these things do not change. I'm a 37 year old man. I've always been self confident. Yet I've gone through periods of my life doing different things. Where women wouldn't even look at me. Had nothing to do with confidence. I was in shape financially well off but I was virtually invisible as the work I was doing was low status. I'll give you another example. I used to drive a 2007 Saturn Vue. Great car! I got it for 4500 in 2012. I had it for a couple years then I sold it. When I upgraded I bought a Mercedes grey with black wheels not even an overtly expensive Mercedes. A very sexy car. Literally weeks after driving it I started getting way more attention from females. It was an indicator that I was doing well in life. One more example. The jobs I worked where I got the most female attention was bartending and when I I was a GM of a nice restaurant. Neither one of these jobs is ultra high status globally. However they were very high status locally. Why? Because I was the center of an attention structure. Relatively speaking in the moment to moment goings of that attention structure. Something I learned after the fact. Actually when I was going through a dry spell I actually started bartending again part time and it cleared up no more than a few weeks later. My personal experience is women are 100% attracted to status! And there is nothing wrong with that! In my mid twenties it pissed me off because I lost a few women to higher status males that were closer to my age now. But it motivated me to do more and be better. It's ok. It's how our brains work. If you're younger you're not even aware you're doing it. The whole I'm not like the other girls thing is played out. You're not special, I'm not special it's just nature. So you can be bitter about it or you can adapt! Also keep in mind like I said the older you get what you're attracted to changes because you become more self aware. Just don't try to fight it too hard or you will be miserable. Guys if you're having trouble with women... Exercise take care of yourself physically and mentally. Then focus on raising your status. Try making friends with women without trying to fuck them. That social proof attracts more women. Plus you gain some cool new friends with awesome insights on female Phycology.

[@kaseyprom3158]

At about 50:00 he discusses how most women who cheat do it because they’re unhappy, whereas most men who cheat do it because the opportunity presented itself, further stating that there is no difference in the rates of men who cheat, whether they are happy or unhappy in their relationships. The issue I have with this conclusion is that it relies on self reporting, and overlooks the fact that often humans do things without being aware of the actual reasons behind their decisions - which he actually pointed out earlier, when he stated that men don’t go around thinking “I’ll choose her because she looks fertile,” and yet that is in fact what they are (unconsciously) doing. I therefore disagree with the conclusion that happily partnered men cheat just as frequently as unhappily partnered men (and I think Esther Perel would too). Or more accurately, I am not convinced of his argument by the evidence he presented.

[@brandenleonard1711]

The vast majority of all infidelity studies rely on self reporting though…

[@serengetilion]

Well I agree with Dr. Buss on this simply because it's really happening and it's been happening. My thinking which can be applied across many human behaviors is that people do things and have no idea why they do.

[@B-I-G-N-A-S-T-Y]

The group which were tested probably had a lot more than cheating in common, I have heard the gene RDR4 has something to do with risk taking. Maybe this gene was prevalent in the group and all that was shown is that people with this gene are likely to cheat in a happy/sad marriage.

[@dionysusnow]

Good point, I'd also suspect that more women cheat than the studies report.

[@filipposaba9778]

They also talked about age differences and how men seem to be attracted by younger women, and that this phenomenon seems to increase in range as they get older. I feel like the partner getting older has a lot to do with the men's "hidden" unhappiness, and it is probably unconscious.

[@angelprincess12345]

so glad to have a podcast that explores actual useful topics

[@alimarvels83]

Fascinating, as always. Although I appreciate there is truth here for many, I just can't relate to a lot of what is said here about mate selection. I fell in love with a man who worked in a shop and lived with his dad. I fell in love with his kindness, his humour and his humble, shy nature. He had no confidence back then, largely due to grief I think, and no experience with other women. 21 years later we are still going strong. I really could care less about status. I care more that he's happy, loves me and makes me laugh.

[@denasharpe2393]

So happy for you both...wish l had been as fortunate ❤

[@alimarvels83]

@@denasharpe2393 I hope you will be ♥

[@singingway]

You have warmed my heart and restored faith in humanity and in Love

[@APPLE46847]

I couldn’t agree more with this outlook on mate selection. Especially if you have dated someone of status before, you will find that that trait alone will not make for long term partnership happiness.

[@I_Ace]

Scientists usually make things pretty black and white. There are plenty of people who are poor and married and happy. There are plenty of people who match because they love each other and balance each other out even personality wise. I feel like the money, status, and power thing isnt as strong as we like to suggest it is. That is why the traits of who the person actually is like; kindness, caring, receptive, humble are vastly more important than paper. But im not denying the reality that as a man u have to be able to gather resources and be good at it to support and have stability for your family especially your young. But Buss is making it seem like guys have to be millionaires to have a wife when that is not the case.

[@luisacordero1501]

As always, I appreciate you. It’s Christmas and I treated myself to this episode I had missed as a gift. You are a gift to many of us and we are so grateful for you!

[@sylphwaterbear]

Began tuning into your podcasts shortly after your initial launch in 2021 and BOY was I excited to see you guested Dr. Buss, one of my old professors from UT. All of your 'lectures' keep me involved and learning in my undergraduate field which I someday soon hope to jump back into! Thank you for your time, knowledge and effort!

[@NickArcade]

Haha, Dr. Buss from UT was also one of my professors

[@thiesjammes2563]

Dr David Buss is such a legend. His research is insightful and well caries out. Cool to finally get an idea of what he is in person !

[@SuperSphinx91]

Who is here after the New York Magazine expose?😂😂😂 lol it's making my day watching the philandering Professor navigate this podcast knowing what we know now lol

[@peybak]

Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. I think his personal life might be a failure but some of what he teaches is useful for people. But I get it. There is creepy things that sometimes come out about famous people.

[@mm-it7tv]

lol 'cept now Huberman's giving "Sam Vaknin expert on narcissism energy"

[@jessemiller3108]

And what is it we know now after that ridiculous article? That he's human and isn't perfect? Shocker. If you listen to biologists based on their moral stance with relationships, you're probably not listening for the right reasons.

[@chafrey8532]

@@jessemiller3108who are you trying to convince?

[@VesperAegis]

One of the first lessons in science is to not make pre-conclusions before we have all of the evidence. Patience and not reacting immediately to something, just because you can, is a virtue often advocated on these podcasts. The allegations are certainly serious, but to act as if they are now the complete and irrevocable truth does a real disservice to critical and curiosity-driven thinking.

[@silviabojko7233]

Great podcast. The last part touched me in special way. Took the courage to leave a toxic relationship, when I realized how abusive it was. It was a true Aha moment. For me. And eye opener

[@AgnesMoller-y8d]

What were you doing to make the relationship toxic?

[@msunje9862]

@@AgnesMoller-y8d of course you will blame her, acting exactly how dr. Dave said men like you act

[@AR11210]

My ex was 10 years older and used to tell me I wasn't skinny enough, pretty enough, etc. He was always pushing me to lose weight and eat a certain way etc-- he went to tier one schools and was a very powerful person I felt like I had to keep up. But you can never make someone like that happy it's not love it's vanity, the girl on their arm. I wish her well whoever she is now.

[@michelle_cen]

Love hearing Andrew Huberman talk about evolutionary psychology with one of this field's leading researchers :) Thank you for interviewing Dr. David Buss! 100% agreed with the concluding thoughts that evopsych and neuroscience are complimentary. Evopsych explains the ultimate reasons for why the human mind is the way it is.

[@L.A007]

Evolutionary psychology is a pseudoscience.

[@thefluffythinker773]

@@L.A007 can u please explain to me how is EP a pseudoscience?

[@Johnny_Savage]

@@L.A007 evo psych is one of the fields with the highest rate of successfully replicated studies within a discipline (psychology) that has been devastated by the replication crisis

[@realmadrid-cx8yd]

Perfect example for bad science. Stating an hypothesis and not following it up with excamples and evidence…

[@anyanova7079]

I'm incredibly impressed with and grateful for every episode that Dr. Huberman produces. Huge fan! Thank you!

[@cheriseelliott9230]

Thank you for this interview. I read Dr. Buss’ book “The Evolution of Desire”, a while ago, and enjoyed it. I appreciate the information in this episode about red flags and dangerous behavior in relationships. As someone who’s been in a monogamous marriage for 34 years, I’d also love to hear more of what contributes to long-term, successful relationships. Thanks, as always, for all you do. Each podcast is a gem. 💎

[@gordo6908]

the gottmans seem to specialize in that area

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

Read John Gottman books.

[@shingj4007]

That is to say people can never be relaxed all through their marriage/dating life, people have to constantly evaluate and re-evaluate their mate value and that of their mate in order to decide whether to leave or to stay in their marriage/relationships.

[@excelautodetailingceramicc1182]

Huberman lol I knew of a couple who experienced this first hand lmao when you’re a long time follower of Huberman you begin to understand why certain topics and questions are being asked. It was so funny to hear the scenario referenced being told with Tom Segura. IYKYK For the record I’ve listened to this podcast once or twice before but the work of David Buss is just so interesting and helpful when navigating through the dating scene these days. Not only for my sake but others out there that we know truly need some behavior therapy. Thanks always Huberman for having these discussions with such powerful people. I felt the sincerity in your voice when you stated in another interview that your work with Paul Conti might be some of the most important work you’ve ever done. Which makes sense to me because I’ve listened to your podcasts with him and as a result I’ve also bought his book Trauma. As a matter of fact if you or your guest plugs one of their books I’ll actually pause and purchase it on Amazon. Anyways. Long tangent. Thanks again

[@bencowley2762]

Dr. Huberman, I am a huge fan of your podcasts and find a great deal of applicable information in each episode. I have recently been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease along with EoE (eosinophilic esophagitis). It has proved difficult to find actionable steps to help with either of these diseases that don’t involve pumping your body with strong medication. I believe there is always a natural way to heal your body. If you or your colleagues have information on autoimmune diseases I would love to hear about that in a future podcast! Have a blessed week

[@IIGrudge]

I appreciate you acknowledging audience feedback and adjusting your interview style. Great work!

[@mnmillard]

Good morning class! Another great topic. Thank you Dr. Huberman for always keeping this experience super interesting. 🥰

[@Alexandra.AI.]

Good Morning!

[@joelcruz811]

This really feels like a classroom

[@latinaalma1947]

@@joelcruz811 Like my BEST professors in grad school.

[@andrealaperle4853]

Please present on parental estrangement ....why are so many young people cutting off their parents... especially mothers Your efforts are greatly appreciated May God bless you and your family by providing for all your needs with abundance according to His perfect will 🙏❤️🙏

[@nathaliegrice4885]

I have never considered being a single mom as decreasing my dating chances, but this episode made me think about what kind of men I've been attracting since I became a mom and tried online dating. It's been enlightening and also quite a scary journey. I find the information on mating value very interesting and will be more conscious in the future. Thank you for this. Also, from a female perspective I agree with Dr. Buss on the mate switching theory. Generally many women prefer monogamous and get attached to their sexual partners. I could see how women in an affair would plan on switching out the partner they are not happy with.

[@eatbliss8895]

Two words: You Rock! Thank you Dr. Huberman for taking your knowledge, and those of your guests, and making it available to the common person, without going (too far) over our collective heads. It is interesting, practical, fun and well presented. Thank you. You are a bright star in academia!

[@samuelvilz]

These two hours flew by. Thank you for sharing the conversation, Andrew, and thank you for getting people on the podcast that you're interested in talking to!

[@heartspacerelaxations6924]

Thank you for the fascinating interview. The fact men ask about sex in infidelity is also an indicator that men know if their female partner is sexual it’s an indication of a mate switch on her part. There is no double standard, both sexes want to know if their partnership is secure, as indicated by his emotional involvement and her sexual infidelity.

[@spacebar9733]

That’s not true btw.

[@joannecurrey7121]

The best two hours I’ve spent in a long time. Thank you.

[@mikPet81]

This has to be the best, well versed, ample explanation I've seen to date of the social dynamics, and have to say, it explains everything I;ve experienced personally, or seen others experience that I've witnessed. I feel like this should be thought in schools, as early as highschool, I would greatly help avoid the mess that we call modern day society. Like always, dr Andrew was an excellent host, asking real valid questions, some of which I didn't even know I wanted asked . Now I'm curious to read the book

[@gujono.eiriksson8553]

Society is so weird.

[@Dad_readsbooks]

Haven't read his other books, bu5 The Evolution of Desire is one of my top 5 most impactful books if I've ever read. It gave me deep understanding and empathy for myself and others.

[@thedarkmask4155]

Dr. Huberman should we expect a series about maximum performance as a teen (or any age range) for academic aswell as physical growth to reach their potential. Thankyou !

[@JonasCraftUltimate]

The episodes on focus and attention as well as protocols for brain health & performance fit your description

[@spencer5113]

If you go through his previous podcasts and a Logitech talk he did you should find what you’re looking for

[@1sanremy]

Thanx for this very interesting discusion on a topic of common concern. An other topic in psychology, that will soon concern everybody is : PSYCHOLOGICAL BIASES

[@dustinjohnson1047]

I would like to see the same about protocols for optimizing teens during puberty

[@catherinerossba-fineartma-6619]

Facilitating • holy cannoli • incredibly informative • so interesting and realistically broadening the many aspects relative to our close interpersonal relationships • praises to you Dr. Andrew Huberman • the value of your devotion in delivering this ongoing offering has become the most educational resource and your sharing knowledge, offering of lectures, and the choice of your guests have been so enriching • your generous contribution and dedication to create a meaningful forum that creates enlargement of perspective with a truly humanitarian purpose • thank you so much for all that you are doing to cultivate help, hope, and your intentionally advancing the accessibility by offering such valuable-reality based knowledge! 💪❤️🙏👏🐶

[@soapmode]

Is there a type of knowledge that isn't reality-based?

[@Alexander_Sannikov]

I like it how Lex has very neatly organized notes for every interview and Andrew has something that looks like doodles over his entire notebook :D

[@honeykatxiii]

If you look closely, it looks like he's writing in tiny paragraphs that are neatly spaced away from each other in all directions. Probably to help him find his notes more easily. It gets hard to keep track of and recall notes quickly if you write in long sentences, one after the other, lined up in a column.

[@Unkuuu]

He is my old professor. Loved his class!

[@onebadhombre7158]

Lucky!!! What class was it?

[@OfficialTheoryY]

@@onebadhombre7158 bro what do you think

[@spacebar9733]

@@OfficialTheoryY LMAO

[@brittanykeogan1313]

Love this podcast so much. I’ve listened to most episodes twice now just wanting to soak up as much information as I can! Can we have a future episode dedicated to the underlying science of headaches/migraines/generally “unseen” yet felt ailments of the head/brain? As much as I’ve done my research, there isn’t much data, reliable data, on what causes these. And since I’ve been dealing with them for 20+ years, I’d love to know what I can do even now to diminish their effects on my every day life. Thanks!!

[@AussieChic968]

Thank you for such an enlightening, intelligent, rational discussion of such a difficult topic often clouded with controversy, lack of objectivity, rationality clarity, scientific facts etc. I learned few useful things to help me make wise decisions for my own life.

[@JanganMeninggalkanSejarah]

Have a great day everyone!

[@w.w.w.n]

Here comes the BEST thing about Mondays ! Really grateful for all the things I've learned here ❣️

[@simplyjane92]

Fabulously interesting subject matter! I'd say David is doing a service to our community. Thank you for giving him space on your platform👏

[@esmeraldadesaracho]

Thanks God I didn't have this information. I didn't know about qualifications of men and women. I left my marriage with three children and never put on a mental barrier. I currently have a couple without children and I love it😍.He has invested so much in me and my children. We attract what we are💕💕💕

[@memastarful]

I've been celibate for over 12 years. After I got pregnant with my daughter many years ago I decided to stop dating. Many folks urge me to get back out there but I view dating as complex and draining. I guess I lost that loving feeling

[@danyj24]

I think it’s more complicated than it has to be due to external forces. You can still love, in my opinion. That never goes away. It just gets buried under trauma. I hope you can find love again.

[@bodymindsoul60]

Glad to hear I’m not the only one. I’m much happier!!

[@_negentropy_]

There really wasn’t anything about this episode that made heteronormative relationships sound the least bit worthwhile for women. I applaud your decision. 🙌

[@memastarful]

@@CorpusKristieTN thanks for sharing your thoughts. Appreciated it

[@memastarful]

@@bodymindsoul60 aaww yep its brutal out there sometimes it's best to just chill out from it all

[@piotrstopyra2467]

Dr. Huberman, it would be interesting if you described the behaviours/habits you use on a daily basis and the reasoning behind them. For example, sleep, nutrition, supplements, exercise and other such things that have been influenced by the topics you study academically and have learned from your podcast guests. In short, the health and wellness optimization that you apply to your daily life. Thank you for all your contributions to spreading the science so far, they have helped me and others a lot.

[@sunburst4847]

Episode #28 is what you’re looking for

[@guyfantastico8268]

Steve Martin is so insightful!

[@debralbungermd8804]

I run into this “men are more visual” thing all the time. Mostly men say it, and often unattractive men say it, thinking they can date above their station. But I don’t quite but it. People with MEANS are more visual. Women with RESOUCES are as visual as men. If you tested with this variable I think you would find that I’m right. I’m also confused by data that suggest that men have more affairs than women. Then who are they having affairs with? Does that mean a few women are getting all the action? That does not seem likely. Thanks for a great KZbin channel!

[@TouchOfTao2222]

I think it would be interesting to hear both of your thoughts on the concept of Soul Mates and Soul Partners and ways that can affect a relationship, positive and negative. Great episode, thank you!

[@emiliosnic]

There are no soul mates

[@bellavega8048]

@@emiliosnic finally something we can agree on

[@darialyman]

I'm surprised women didn't mention the ability to provide protection (from physical/emotional harm) as the salient attractive quality in a potential mate. As for myself and many women I know, that would be number one. I'm sure it depends on the demographic; I wonder if in an American context, women from marginalized environments were under-represented in the study.

[@latinaalma1947]

In prior research it was featured heavily.

[@sanell6]

Might it not be incorporated into the ability to provide? Eg if you live in a place where the ability to protect yourself is a prerequisite to survive…thus you would be more able to provide for your mate. And the emotional protection could fall under the kindness aspect that they mentioned was a universal. As they were comparing 36 different cultures I’m assuming they used pretty broad categories like the ability to provide to describe various different things as the ability to provide might entail different things in different cultures. In less violent places the ability to physically protect themselves and their mate might not play a big factor in the ability to provide but in more violent cultures it might. Thus it would not make sense to have it as a separate category as it actually functions as part of another category depending on the culture.

[@latinaalma1947]

@@sanell6 Yes I totally agree...evolutionally wom en chose men they beleived could defend them and their banies and young offspring from predators...human and animal...Women still chose men partially based on height and fitness for just this reason. Incels resent this about women saying we look for Chads and six packs..a few women do have that as a standard men theyndate mist meet but the majprity of women are not that specific...they want a man who they can dependably rely on of they are going to raise children with them. Of course women who are lesbians may not put physical strength and height high on their list of requirments but many very well may put dependability and ability to contribute both shared child rearing and financially to a family unit high on their list. I doubt there are ANY wlmen who WANT tomraise children in dangerous and chaotic environments all alone..we often cannot change the environemnts we find ourselves in but we CAN look for dependable partners. I tink you stated it perfectly re different environmentd ...safe ones vs less safe ones.

[@LifeFilmz]

Yes that is definitely number one for a lot of women, I think that’s why physical fitness is attractive to us cause in our brains being physically fit correlates with being able to protect. In the same way how men look at women who have a more youthful appearance and their brain correlates that with fertility.

[@dinos9607]

Actually the requirements you mention are included in other categories all while there is a contradiction between asking for physical protection and emotional protection. Physical protection is provided by males which are high in the BtoA behavioural continuum (i.e. the so-called Alphas as well as higher Betas). Protection from emotional harm is achieved through pairing with mid to lower Betas. It is not that Alpha-like guys tend to want to do harm to the women they are paired but sooner or later, being the most prized of all men by women, they will indulge in the temptations around them and when caught, they unavoidably cause harm to their woman. Also, within the relationship they have high standards and expectations and when the woman does not live up to them they instantly change stance much to the dislike of the woman. On the other hand, the mid to lower Betas may provide a stable loving environment but do not provide a clear cut feeling of physical security - no sane woman would pick a low beta guy to walk in the night in the wrong part of the town, to put it in such terms. On an evolutionary level, women statistically (clearly and by a large percentage) prefer type A to type B, i.e. they prioritize avoidance of physical harm to avoidance of emotional harm to the point that they would much rather be harmed psychologically by a strong man rather than be pampered by a weak man. Which makes sense since it all has to do not with the woman or the man but with the genes that are going to be propagated in the next generation. This is the reason why younger fertile women are chasing the A-type of men and later on when having kids with them but not working things out with them, they go on to seek the so-called "nice guys", i.e. the lesser B-types. Look I know this sounds too embarrassing for women but in reality it should be even more embarrassing for men both A and B types... A types for leaving their children being raised by stangers and for B types for accepting to forgo their own biological interests to raise the kids of strangers. From a short term biological sense though, and without adding societal interests and thus long term biological interests, the ideal strategy for men is to propagate their seed indiscriminately and sow kids all around the plave leaving them "out in nature" and hoping for the best. For women, the equivalent ideal strategy is to be seeded by the strongest male they can get their arms around and find to find a lesser B-type to help them raise the kids. Societally however, and thus by extension in long term biological interests, for the majority of men and women (including As, not just Bs), a stable monogamous society is a better strategy. It is one that involves compromises for both men and women (and this is why this strategy is shunned in individualistic societies...) but it is one that achieves the greatest upbringing for the kids. We know that since we know very well that the ideal environment for kids to grow till adulthood is with both of their biological parents, not step-daddies, not the tribal settings, nor the state institutions. There is a reason that absolutely no haremic society was ever successful even in the mid-term and even those rare cases (e.g. Arabs and Mongols) where haremic societies found opportunity to expand, they either vanished quickly or had to adapt and become in their basis monogamous with only the top hierarchy retaining the haremic type.

[@HampusGilljam]

Very interesting conversation! As a suggestion for a topic of future episodes I'd like to suggest going deeper into the feeling/experience of jealousy. The various kinds of it and forms it can take (emotional, sexual, financial, retroactive etc.) and the mechanics behind it. What sort of behavior or way of life seem to promote it or make it worse and what lessens it. Scientifically studied ways you could 'defeat' the sensation and work on removing its impact (as in, what works and what doesn't. Like with any subject on this podcast you can probably find thousands of articles recommending one thing or another so it'd be helpful if someone went through the science). It's a sore subject for a lot of people, like the subject of this episode, and I think just the breaking it down scientifically alone would help a lot of people understand it better and be able to approach it in a more healthy way. All of us deal with it after all, at some point in one way or another. Maybe the internet will become a less toxic place if that information is thrown out there.

[@braaap56]

1:19:00 this makes total sense as to why the tragic Gabby Petito case. He started to feel extreme jealously that Gabby had started her own business and her following on social media was getting bigger and bigger. He was trying to degrade her value to bring her back down to his status level so she wouldn’t leave him.

[@divinegon4671]

Potentially, yes. Good theory

[@kaseyprom3158]

Yeah, when he casually said something about “her little blog” best believe every DV survivor knew what that guy was all about. It’s funny, subtle put downs don’t seem so subtle to me anymore, they seem more like.. glaringly obvious.

[@barbarafairbanks4578]

@Robert A - IMO, ya got that wrong!...and I'm feeling a bit miffed that you'd bring this up and try in such a simplistic way to confirm the idea here that Brian was an overly jealous domestic violence perpetrator in this tragic relationship. My POV is that B&G were both challenged with mental health issues, (no secret), and mounting stressors beyond their capabilities to successfully navigate or mitigate. A horrible heartbreaking 💔 tragedy, IMO. From what I understand, from watching Gaby's friend, Rose' televised interview (very early on) when Gaby first went missing... Rose was asked about their relationship. She said it could be glorious at times, horrible other times - no in-between. Their arguments were primarily power struggles about who would have their own way in planning their day, their trips, their relationship, the travel vlog & other activities, etc. They were both wilfully stubborn - but Brian the more insistent one that things should be done his way. His strategy was 'verbal persuasion', never physical 'persuasion', or threats. (according to Rose)... And Brian's domestic, school & work history seems, to me, to support Rose's interview about his temperament. Brian could be (per a co-worker) quick to anger, with no escalation into physicality or threats, and he'd be 'over it' just as quick. He was a loner at school, and so was Gaby. Brian loved nature, loved to read, sketch, and loved to write. Brian was, 'sometimes worried' about maintaining his 'Zen' (direct quote by his co-worker) who was interviewed. The strongest so-called 'evidence' that Brian c/b jealous came from a co-worker's interview about Brian, who said if Gaby visited Brian on the job (she often did) and Brian saw her talking to another guy there, Brian would amble over and put his arm around Gaby, maybe kiss her on the cheek. I see regular normal everyday guys do this all the time - this is a normal 'claiming my territory' type behavior from regular everyday even-tempered guys, IMO. I was once talking, in a non-flirtatious way, with a guy at a party, and his GF came over, sat in his lap, kissed him on the cheek, and joined our convo. Completely rational, 'claiming my territory' behavior by either sex, and happens fairly often, in my POV, at least. This tells us, IMO, that Brian was not an irrationally jealous guy, and only mildly possessive. All of these opinions of mine concerning Brian & Gaby are a composite of what I've read in media articles (& watched in televised interviews) - not fm FB, Twitter, or any SM, or SM comments. So much of that is speculation by everyday people trying to put 2&2 together about what happened. You've said Brian became more jealous as Gaby's' travel vlog became more popular. In my POV, this is untrue. From what I think I know of the travel vlog, this was Brian's baby, as well... (although top billing was always "Gaby Petito" plastered all over the vlog). I've read that Brian did much of the 'heavy lifting' for the vlog, ALL of the logistical travel/camping strategy for this vlog, AND all the driving. He was an active & willing partner in the vlog. Both of them saved money from their former jobs for the travel vlog. From what I've gathered from my reading about the case and about their relationship & their vlog, Brian's criticisms relating to the vlog were of Gaby's up/down moods (she was OCD and Bi-polar - no secret). Her down moods adversely affected her consistency with filming/editing/posting, which was pretty stressful. She was obsessed with perfection & easily upset if things didn't look perfect. Brian recognized she could become very stressed-out over the vlog, which adversely affected her performance, her moods, increased her frustration, and stressed their relationship further. This is why he d/n fully support Gaby being in pursuit of a 'perfectly choreographed' travel vlog. The travel, filming, posting, editing, planning, financing, for a travel vlog like this is a lot of work - stress-inducing work - with the added stress of producing a travel vlog made to look like they were having the happiest and most carefree time of their lives. We all know now, they weren't. (here I am speculating... I do know how much work & stress an undertaking like this can be I'm speculating that for Gaby & Brian who already had a volatile relationship, plus mental health issues to try to deal with - the travel vlog life, in that cramped little van, with all the stress and all the travel, all the ups & downs was actually no picnic. I believe that as the stressors with this life mounted, they were both overwhelmed & pushed beyond their respective breaking points.😪 I think that Brian's criticisms of the vlog...had little if anything to do with the unfounded rumor (IMO) that began on SM, that Brian was jealous of Gaby's popularity(?) Idk, from what I've read it wasn't that at all. Someone here speculated that Brian's comment about Gaby's 'little' travel vlog was a putdown? I didn't see it that way. His comment could just as easily have been stated in an affectionate way - her little travel vlog - her baby. Afterall, it's not like it was huge - it WAS a little production. From what I've read, Gaby struggled with it. It was overwhelming for her, especially. We, of course didn't see anything like that, but Brian did. Maybe he was happy with its smallness and wanted more to just enjoy the travel, & not deal with the stress of the vlog and trying to make it grow bigger than he thought Gaby could handle... Idk, I'm speculating - probably shouldn't :/ So, they fought over who would do what, and both were willful about having their own way. In Rose's televised interview about B&G's relationship, Rose clearly described in the interview (it was televised...I watched it), how Gaby would get so frustrated with Brian's insistence that something s/b done his way, and that Gaby would 'go off' on him, lunge at him and scratch his face. Brian, in defense, would put a hand over her mouth and push her away to get her off of him, or would slap her face to get her away. Rose witnessed this behavior numerous times, and also said that Gaby would be very sorry and ashamed, afterwards, and say things like, 'I don't know why I'm so mean to him sometimes." Do you recall, if you watched it... in the Utah traffic stop where Gaby admitted, on camera, to scratching Brian's face?...and that he then grabbed her face, but she did say she went after him first (just as Rose had described their physical fights in her interview - this on-camera description by Gaby of their Utah skirmish follows the same pattern as the physical fights Rose witnessed). If you watched vehicle & bodycam footage of the Utah stop you'd have seen/heard the LE officer's assessment of Brian's scratched-up face & that he needed to photograph the scratches as evidence of assault...assault ON Brian BY Gaby. One other thing I'd like to point out - prior to the Utah stop - the full report of the witnesses who saw/reported to Utah LE, that Brian slapped Gaby's face - on the sidewalk, near the van, outside the RR. The FULL report (not readily avail. by certain media stations, but which I DID read, for myself), included how the altercation (slapping incident) ended. Witnesses see Brian slap Gaby's face on the sidewalk, but had not noticed them just prior to the sudden awareness that he slapped Gaby. Then, they both run back/forth on the sidewalk and race over to the van. Brian reaches the van first, hops in the driver's side, locks Gaby out. Gaby tries the passenger door, becomes enraged it's locked, and runs around to driver's side door, screams at Brian, who then unlocks the driver's side door. Gaby opens the door and climbs right over Brian in the driver's seat to get to her seat on passenger side. Huh?? These are the actions of a female suffering ongoing domestic abuse? She races her 'abuser' to the van which he jumps in & locks. She runs around to his side, demands he unlock the door, she bounds inside and crawls right over her 'abuser' to get to her seat. What's wrong with this standard, every day, man on woman, 'domestic violence' picture? Lots, in my POV. This was the rest of the Utah witness report - the part many didn't see or read about, but I did find and read it. So, from all this I do have doubts about who was abusing whom in this relationship. Strong doubts - based primarily on Rose's interview, the Utah stop, Brian's scratched up face, Gaby's confession to Utah LE she went after Brian first, and Gaby's demanding back into the van and crawling over Brian to reach the passenger seat - after he slapped her. If we review playback of this interview discussing the phenomenon that men can suffer domestic violence from their female partners, and that it can go fairly unreported - it is just as easily believable, (to me, at least) applied to this case as is the idea (also from this interview) that Brian was jealous over Gaby's popularity with the Travel vlog & resorted to murder for that reason. Don't get me wrong, please. I'm not at all saying I don't believe Brian strangled Gaby. I do, in fact, and it's horrifying & heartbreaking 💔 I'm not at all saying I think Gaby somehow deserved it - heaven forbid NO! How this horrifying tragedy unfolded - action for action - is something no one will ever know, but everyone wants to speculate on. My own (highly unpopular) belief is that Brian & Gaby were both victims of circumstance, missed opportunity, domestic violence, unaddressed mental illness, and unmitigated, unsurmountable stress...that neither of them had the tools, nor the wherewithal to withstand. 😥😢😭

[@sepidehsa5707]

38:03, "One of the hallmarks of emotional instability is how individuals respond to stress. So emotionally unstable people tend to have a long latency to return to the baseline after a stressful event. This is the sort of information you can't get on a coffee date, you can only get it by assessing it over time."

[@djwhatevs_onyoutube]

Thank you for your podcast! I was disappointed that, for a podcast usually so solutions-oriented, no tools or strategies were offered for working one's way out of relationships with people who exhibit dark triad characteristics, which can be an extremely difficult and often dangerous process. Also no mention was made of battered woman syndrome, a fascinating, well-documented, and at the same time ill-understood phenomenon wherein the abused person stays trapped in the relationship despite knowing everything that's wrong about it. This was a serious missed opportunity IMO

[@mistyparmer8772]

Absolutely! Thank you for mentioning this. Hopefully he will see our comments and bless us with another podcast.

[@machomanic1768]

That is a whole different topic. I recommend Prof Sam Vaknin or Dr. Ramani for solutions for an escape.

[@Magicisreal66]

@@machomanic1768 I have an escape method- its. called a Smith & Wesson or a poison stew, staged accidentaccidents ect.... ect....there's a lot of room to be creative!

[@NosferatuUndead]

To his credit, he said he studied data and situations and didn’t like to give advice, but that he would. Clearly Huberman wasn’t trying to make him become a counselor offering the “self help tools” you feel were needed.

[@Magicisreal66]

Just stay away from the "toxic patriarchal indoctrinated and infected human male". That's literally it!

[@bl4553]

Would love to see a podcast on Aphantasia. Recently learned about this phenomenon and it was a true shock and “eye opening” to discover that my brain works differently than most people. It’s fascinating.

[@TheZengerian]

Was waiting for this. Here we go!

[@sebbyboyxyz]

The Doctor going straight for that GOAT podcaster title, Joe Rogan move aside!

[@BREEZY-jc9gs]

Thank you for this! It helped me understand what I went through with my last partner. It’s very confusing to get entangled with someone who is deceptive and this helped clarify some of the behavior.

[@TheErbtosis]

It would be interesting to see a revisit to this topic. A conversation between a male and female specialists with similar backgrounds. Loved the conversation 🙂

[@Sal3600]

It would be the same conversation

[@rochellefairfield4101]

Super appreciate your interest in sharing science, Andrew - thank you! I've benefited from alot of your suggestions over the past year or so - am sleeping better and have steady energy throughout the day. Thanks also for asking for suggestions re future episodes - a vote for concussions! One sub-topic is any light you might shed on concussion symptoms as a side-effect of certain meds would be much appreciated (a friend was diagnosed with a concussion recently, after a month her doctor revised it to side-effects from eczema meds - who knew?). I've also seen concussion recovery specialists offering programs that include the Feldenkrais method - love to hear your take on that for concussions (and also Feldenkrais for neuroplasticity generally (Thanks a million if you read this far!)

[@chloedemeter5473]

Ive seen promising things with hyperbaric treatment for concussion and brain injury in general from a few different sources. Including brain scans that show receding of damage/scarring from ex-nfl football players. Dont know how it would work specifically for meds induced injury but it's worth looking into.

[@rochellefairfield4101]

@@chloedemeter5473 thanks for this!

[@marvinbecker388]

This guy really is an attraction expert, casually putting his guitar in the background.

[@jessikalove4788]

This is by far my favorite KZbin channel. Another amazingly informative episode! Great work 😊.

[@troofveritas8233]

Damn your face is worth competing with other men for lol

[@soniaevans1]

This must remind people to be careful and know why and when our vales lower. Being single is a total blessing for me, until I’m ready to do otherwise, that takes two.

[@Rhawn246]

I did NOT think that I would sit through this or any other 2 1/4 hr discussion 😄 Well done gents! The only thing that I wished you discussed a bit more was the stalking of women and the actual pressure - through threat, intimidation, violence against her etc. to "return" to their stalker spouse. To me, you mainly focused on the physical attacks on her new suitor. You were a great guest, Dr. Buss! Andrew, keep up the good work. You're one of my better KZbin recommendations!

[@stellai06]

They don t discuss it because they are not using their critical thinking. It would imply a feminist framework.

[@Rhawn246]

@@stellai06 Good observation! It did not sit well with me. Like my brain went "OK they beat up/assaulted everybody... AND..." Now I look at the title of this video again, it's really crazy how they glossed over such a critical aspect of the discussion about what was done to her. Made it sound like she simply said "well that settles that". Poor woman probably feared for her life.

[@Nba926]

Please dr. Huberman, coul you cover the subjects ocd and schizophrenia, it's an interesting subject. Thank you!!!

[@_negentropy_]

So many questions: 1. Would Dr. Buss consider online affairs (sexting, virtual hookups via social media, etc) sexual infidelity or emotional infidelity? Both? Neither? Do we need new nomenclature? 2. What does mate selection look like outside of gender norms and heteronormative relationships? 3. Are there sex differences in mate selection qualities: for adults entering retirement age? Or for those who have past experience with abuse, (emotional or physical) where that mate had initially met “desired qualities” but those qualities failed to be congruous with safety and well-being? 4. Is there any correlation between men’s preference for women who are 15 years younger and deficits in their emotional maturity?

[@_negentropy_]

The information in this episode doesn’t appear to reflect well on the mate value of single women between the ages of 38-50+ with dependents. Even if they are amazing women, and most are. My biggest and most unexpected takeaway is that given my age and circumstances I picked the absolute best possible time to begin to accomplish all the things I’ve set out to do. With virtually no mate value to men anywhere near my age, there is very low probability that I’ll be encumbered by their scrutiny and judgment, or any fragility due to mate value discrepancy. It’s an oddly acquired freedom but I’ll take it.

[@simpleman7203]

I don't think you can measure emotional maturity and thus give reasonable answer to your question. I think men are pre-wired to be attracted to young fertile women and Di Caprio example that was mentioned in podcast is prime example. If a man can - he goes for younger female

[@_negentropy_]

@@simpleman7203 there are in fact a number of empirically validated emotional intelligence measures and at least one widely used emotional maturity psychometric measure. And plenty of heteronormative men seem to be able to make it through their life without targeting extraordinarily young women. It’s possible their primitive preference remains in tact but by not acting on it, does that imply they’re fighting their evolution (if it’s truly hard-wired?). Does that make them a more evolved human than one who does?

[@Sarablueunicorn]

@@_negentropy_ Basically, you have no longer long term mating potential. You are older which dimishish your physical attractiveness, your fertility also diminshed or is unexistent, you already have offspring of another male (males don't wanna raise children of others). As for short term sexual relationships such as hook-ups and no strings attached men have absolutely no standars, all they seek is sexual novelty. It's sad but that's the reality. I'm 34, childless and have been single and celibate for years since the end of the last relationship with a man who also didn't have long term commitment (marriage + family), I have no desire to entertain men or reproduce with a low level men so I accept my reality and I jump out of all this mess. Glad that at least I don't have children dependent on me. If more women decide to stop providing free sexual access to men by choosing celibacy their fun pool declines and also their BS, men aren't afraid to harm you in order to get their needs met, they don't care about your phsyical well being, your emotional well being, your mental health, nothing, they wet their d1ck wipe it on the curtains and move on and even get sl*t shamed. Prostitutes are more respected because they charge for what men are willing to pay for, sex!

[@Sarablueunicorn]

@@simpleman7203 If a woman can he goes for a high earning high status men. Since not all "can" some have to meet in the middle. Just women aren't dependent on a partner for self support anymore, that's why the hook-up culture has been pushed down our throats as "sexual liberation and empowerment" so lower rank men have the chance to access at least short-term mates. When women realize that true empowerment is in celibacy they will keep on thriving, while men will have to turn to same gender relationships for sexual engagement. Same gender relationships are on the rise and children have always been raised by women only so a couple of lesbians can get into a long term relationship and impregnate with sperm from the sperm bank (cheaper and selected) but men still can't get pregnant, they still need to get a woman (even in the form of paid surrogate mother) to bear their children (eggs are also more rare and expensive, btw). More and more men won't be able to reproduce and let's hope a real "rebellion of the incels" doesn't happen.

[@t.j.5574]

So much awesome information. For free. Thank you Andrew. Such a great conversation. The evolution of psychology is an amazing book btw.

[@veronicap734]

Great discussion! I've experienced much of this first-hand during online dating, but very interesting to hear about the psychology of why dating is so awful 😅

[@Z8terfix]

Online Dating has become awful for women. For opportunistic men (and some women) it is a panacea... That's why online dating should be avoided

[@AgnesMoller-y8d]

awful because the men you want to dont want you. Fix out your sexual market position i would say you're a 4-5, then find a men in same bracket as you- a wielder, or bus driver.

[@KD400_]

U already have a kid. U should pay attention more. Men will not select a woman with kids

[@jacynjames]

This was incredibly insightful and intriguing. I would be interested in learning more about how attachment styles play into perceived mate value and self assessment based deception.

[@eltonsilveira101]

Super interesting conversation. I find the ideas around resource trajectory for long term partners fascinating. Always thought it was what you have currently that mattered most

[@bajolunapod]

This was awesome. I'd say one of your best works as a podcaster Andrew, congrats.

[@theqsanity6053]

Dual mating strategy might be an alternative strategy for certain females. Might be why it doesn't show up in larger studies. The ship jumping strategy makes a lot more sense though!

[@marshad.9149]

You never interrupt too often. I often need your clarification. His interpretations of intimate partner violence is enlightening.

[@MindfulSimpleSolutions]

Fascinating conversation. I love the Huberman lab podcast and it’s variety of topics 💛

[@katboyt]

I just like to add that here in the UK and my personal experience with dating men is the psychopathic men are not rare, I have had more pscho bfs then normal bfs. I believe this to be because they are recycled in the dating pool more then the good men. Women really need to not ignore red flags! Thankfully been with my good man nearly 8 years now but took me till my thirties to find him! Excellent video tho loved it, thank you.

[@jackdeniston59]

yeah, but any man who doesn't do what a woman wants is automatically evil/narccisist/psycopath. Check your mirror.

[@physicianskitchen]

@@jackdeniston59 why would you go straight into denying any possibility Kat might be objectively right? It's highly possible men she interacted with were quite low on empathy and not simply "disobeying her" as you dismissed it. Ironically you sound quite low empathy and contemptuous in this comment, hallmarks of NPD & ASPD 🤣 i'm sure it's not a respresentative of your entire personality tho ✌

[@jackdeniston59]

@@physicianskitchen Numbers.

[@weareallbeingwatched4602]

@@jackdeniston59 the psycho types are by nature high mileage and also highly likely to con a woman into thinking they are somebody they aren't - defrauding social status perception. I have seen these freaks at work and they are prolific - typically juggling as many women as possible. A serial deceiver who seeks immediate thrill with no conscience will set about shagging the entire neighbourbood. Not kidding.

[@dr.tapasyadiwakar1246]

Yess u are right but everyone has their own toxicity n we should do inner work so that we can attract the worty things n ppl in our life