Dr. Gabor Maté Doesn't Believe in Parent Blaming

Both of my parents were neglectful and abusive. They were angry, triangulating, manipulative alcoholics who seemed to truly hate themselves and me. I do not blame them... anymore. For many years I did because I ended up in a 12 year relationship with a man just like them. But I realized that I am responsible for myself and they did not have the tools, skills or personality capable of anything better. I needed to learn to forgive myself which led to me forgiving my parents and my ex. They were hurting and they hurt me. It isn't an excuse but an explanation and it set me free. Don't hold on to grudges when you realize most pain and poor behavior is childhood trauma, unresolved and raw.

[@PrincessPeachAmanda80]

Best comment on this video. Thank you for sharing, it's helpful.

@@PrincessPeachAmanda80 tim fletcher's interview with theo was so good. You might like it if you have not already watched it.

[@Lynore_Marie]

‘We need each other.’ So true.

[@ursacubej]

I just knew as a young girl, that there is so much generational trauma, I can not clean that up before having kids, I decided I didn't want to pass that on. So no kids for me, but I love to work with kids and help how ever I can as the 'outsider' with all the respect towards their parents.❤

[@kuenringeling]

Same here

[@Solitude1990]

My mom allowed men to abuse and sexually assault us. She kept putting men in the house and "neglecting" us; even when she knew there was something wrong, she turned the other cheek. I 100% blame her for that and the mental toll it took on us both. I've managed to recover for the most part and have 3 beautiful children I have good relationships with; my sister has not and has just lost custody of her only son. I don't blame my mom for our actions, but I sure as fuck can blame her for hers.

[@txterbug]

Sorry you had to go through that. You were brought into this world not for your parents but for an opportunity to have a life of your own. Life itself has no meaning for the purpose of life is to create that meaning. God bless.

[@shoutatthesky]

Hell yes. This Gabor Mate is a fraud!

[@FayDove-t4l]

Prayers for your mother. She did the best she could with the tools she had. Your story is ongoing.

[@lindseye3052]

As you should. I really don't think he is referring to this type of neglect. What your mother did is another level to what his talking about

[@mattmyers2624]

It's the most difficult thing to do, and I am 41 now, and still get caught in blaming my mother for various things - I get caught up and lost in the emotion from past memories-trauma she reminds me of - however when I try to remind myself to put myself in her shoes, to understand she is the way she is because of what happened to her before and after birth, then even if it doesn't allow me to feel safer I can at least feel sorry for her, her situation, and for my own situation that my childhood and upbringing has led to now in adult life. Having someone else to be angry at, it can give you energy and drive that you benefit from elsewhere in life - and maybe helps you cope from sinking into a depression or locked up state from the trauma. Ideas or thought exercises to explore.

[@familyengineering5591]

Hard disagree. Some people are sociopaths and they have kids. Those sociopaths are to blame

[@ENK3_]

I do agree somewhat... but if you’re suffering from that experience/relationship and can’t communicate with such socio who caused it.. you still have to move on no? No time to wallow or fix em.. only makes your success shine brighter on the other side brother;)

[@TdT2211]

Then you have to discuss the good seed vs the bad seed. Did the sociopath come from a sociopathic home life or "born that way"? If created, not born, who created the parental sociopath who passed it to the person you speak of? Someone has to break the chain, right? They did "that" but it can't be an excuse to stop someones personal growth. What do you think?

[@ancientcall7737]

Sometimes the wording and definition of certain things in psychology make it seem very harsh. I don't think "not blaming" someone is meant to be indifferent towards their illdoing or abusive behaviour. He said having anger is ok and communicating that you feel failed by what this person was supposed to be for you is also the right thing. It seems like blaming describes a hateful and bitter stance towards circumstances you can not change anymore... And this I can understand! Of course I wish all my trauma and childhood problems never happened and that my parents were different, but I don't want to be hateful and roam the world with nothing but anger. I won't get an apology from them, or at least an apology that would really change anything and some things cannot be undone. So what option do I have aside from working towards the positives in my life? I don't forget what I suffered through but I won't let it define my future.

[@txterbug]

I’ve been a dad since I was 19 man. Being a parent is toughest job ever. You literally have to give up your entire life for them. I’m 32 now with 3 kids. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if all I had to worry about was myself.

[@teresagalvin6233]

It's nice but no direction in life or motivation nd always wondering what it's like to be a parent feel like I'm missing something. 😊

[@reneesantiago6496]

I agree with the hard drive and life experience we each have that forms us as a parent…….but there are also CHOICES and FREE WILL. Parents are definitely to blame in many instances.

[@pandorafox3944]

There isn't really free will. And the choices you make are based upon everything you have taken in. No one was created in or lives in a vacuum. Parents may be responsible, but they, like you, are a product of their experience.

[@karencampbell2410]

Nope. My mother was not caring or had any loving instinct. Never ever did I get that feeling from my mother. She was angry, narcissistic, cruel and cold. She hated me.

[@galepatrick1702]

I am very sorry you endured this pain- just a couple of points - she did give you life, yours to live and explore -- perhaps she had a lousy beginning- unable to give what she never had- no excuse but.....

[@ALTheFreeMan]

I normally like what Mate has to say, but on this one, I have to disagree. Parents have all the blame as to the abuse they’ve put their children through.

[@TheStupidDetectiv]

Nope. My best friend was abused. Heavily. His father then committed suicide. His mother died a couple years later. His sister dies when he was twenty. My best friend is the greatest man I know and an excellent father figure himself. Abused or not, you decide who you become.

[@reneesantiago6496]

Agreed! It’s called free will and choices.

[@ALTheFreeMan]

@@TheStupidDetectiv I agree, but the pain we’ve been through is not our fault.

[@pandorafox3944]

​@@ALTheFreeManYou can make the decision to break the cycle. And who caused the parents pain? It's a terrible cycle.

[@PS-qn4oz]

I'm confused about what he even means by blame. Is he saying that blame keeps us stuck and victimized? It's okay to be angry but not to blame....there isn't as clear a distinction between these things as Gabor Mate assumes there is. It's not like the words themselves spell out what he's indicating.

[@PercivalDunlop]

Enjoyed every min of this video! You did great!

[@anon556]

Sounds like you're an abusive parent

[@someguy2775]

Why are their so many bots trying to convince people that juice are the pinnacle of wisdom and intelligence?

[@El.Explorer]

I used to believe that it was the parents fault as well until I grew up. There has been 100 years of trauma and it gets worse each generation.

[@lost_caus_e]

Nature vs nurture. Parents are the nurture, so yes they definitely have an impact. Saying otherwise is insane.

[@someguy2775]

He's a juu, take what he says with a grain of salt.

[@aliomar4909]

You do not understand what is being said. Saying parents aren’t to blame is not to say they don’t have an impact. It’s to say that blame is pointless and does nothing to heal or help

[@shantelle11111]

​@@aliomar4909100% 🖤 it didn't start with our parents is what he's saying. We can play the blame game all day. Doesn't help.

[@benguensche]

You are your parents dna, so they are the nature as well

[@ynghendricks8168]

Forgive but never forget

[@DMTsanto]

This is an insane perspective. How does he think we got here???! Spending an entire adult lifetime trying to undo childhood programming and/or abuse or neglect (guess where it came from…) is an enormous feat. Reprogramming is no easy task.

[@Dudesidabe]

Blame only exists in our mind. Its not a real thing. Focusing on it and holding resentment will keep you stuck in a cycle of hate and self pity. Until you can get over "blame" you will always just be a hurt child.

[@marcinczapski8547]

@@Dudesidabe exactly. accepting it as something mechanical thats the result of a process that got out of control gives you emotional freedom to choose your future. ruminating on the past and blaming the family over and over shows that you still have not healed the wound, which is the ultimate goal. only because we managed to be better to a degree or several degrees than our parents, doesnt mean we are allowed to grow an ego and be satisfied "because we came so far". so far is not enough if we are honest with ourselves

[@AStupidPersonn]

@@DMTsanto Yeah the doc here is no doctor Suess or whatever. He is a friggin goofball.

[@lindanorton2088]

I had to slightly distance myself from my mom because of her continuing to tarnish my reputation and constant criticisms. However I have compassion in my mom and attempt to keep contact with her and not take things personally. I know the chances are low but I want her to recover or have some semblance of comfort.

[@mintyfresh5000]

Sure does seem like everyone is missing the point down here. Relinquishing the need to blame the people who raised you is not a pass for whatever abuse one may have experienced. You're trying to let go of what you're holding on to. Maté has got to be one of biggest proponents of releasing trauma in the world, it's pretty clear cut what he's saying here. 🤷

[@Raz371]

Sucks that the title of this video seems to have totally ruined the value of whats actually being said in the video.

[@kathyhenry2362]

Thank you. I am the adult child of violent alcoholics. I am also the Mother to a beautiful young man who turns 20 in 5 days. He is a drug addict.

[@benguensche]

So you continued the cycle

[@kathyhenry2362]

@@benguensche I don't know what your point is? If you are wanting to shame me please be more direct.

[@benguensche]

@@kathyhenry2362 sorry if i was insensitive. I dont have a point, just observing

[@mannagarwal5390]

You interrupt the cycle, Mrs. Steer him to the right direction. Help make something of himself.

[@b00mjams]

I don't disagree, but blame is sometimes a word abusive people use to frame your awareness of their abuse as weakness. It makes them the victim. If someone punches you in the face, you don't have to blame them for giving you a bloody nose. They are the reason you have a bloody nose. Blame is just a word.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Blame doesnt heal, but blame for conscious and continuous abuse over many, many years, should be apportioned to the appropriate person. Its definitely the case that not all parents "do their very best", some are just downright nasty and take sadistic pleasure in dominating and abusing their power over a confused and defenseless child. I have transcended the legacy of abuse, I dont do it to anyone else, and if I can do it, so could my mother have done it. She still tries to do it today, and I am 50 years old. She will never stop or give up her attempts to try to dominate and intimidate, and reinforce this abusive dynamic of childhood. She used infantilization tactics to derail my development into adulthood, so that I wouldnt gain my independence and move away from her abusiveness. She tried to make me dependent for life, by deliberately under-preparing me for life, not imparting any wisdom so that I would struggle and she could laugh at me and act like she was the smart one who knew everything and make me feel useless and small, incapable. Its very hard not to blame when a parent has done this to you, and not only back in childhood, but to this day. There is no accountability, no apology, just more of the same, non-stop. How do you forgive this, apart from getting as far away as possible?

[@ZOMBIEHEADSHOTKILLER]

no person, is responsible for any other persons actions, no exception. its that simple.

[@anon556]

You're not very intelligent, huh?

[@ZOMBIEHEADSHOTKILLER]

​@@anon556 if you were, youd know how to form valid arguments..... learn what the Ad Hominem fallacy is and try again.

[@anon556]

@@ZOMBIEHEADSHOTKILLER it's not an ad hominem. You're just a dumbass 😂

[@alexia2852]

That’s the worst take when it comes to parents children relationships. Parents are supposed to there for their kids not the other way around, when you’re left alone growing up to deal with every feeling and emotion alone, not knowing what it means yet and being blamed by your parents for having said emotions and just for everything else, asking you to be perfect while them being the exact opposite, it just fucks you up and it IS 100% the parents fault.

[@ZOMBIEHEADSHOTKILLER]

@@alexia2852 none of what you said has any connection or relevance to my original comment or its meaning....... feel free to correct your mistakes and try again.

[@MotherEarth573]

Most of parents are first time parents without guidance and parenting education, plus no kids the same as well the family situation.

[@infinidimensionalinfinitie5021]

the only tiny disagreement; after 3 minutes in; is that there is a place for blaming; in groups that investigate jungian shadow;

[@danielt1985]

Gabor is a genius

[@AStupidPersonn]

@@danielt1985 He is a ball bag. He has to be delusional as hell to think like that.

[@AStupidPersonn]

@@danielt1985 No he is a ball bag.

[@AStupidPersonn]

@@danielt1985 He most likely had no reason to blame a parent. A lot of kids do, this doc is just delusional here.

[@michaelm9351]

You never seen a movie about a Native American beating his children, I don't think

[@PrincessPeachAmanda80]

Lmao

[@SergeyBuikosergeb57]

What about if a parent chooses not to take responsibility for changing their behaviour and how they treat their child? It may not be the parents' fault in how they grew up. However, I think it should be your responsibility to whether or not you want to change to be a better parent. If a parent chooses not to change the way they behave towards their child, are they not considered a bad parent?

[@chaichantheshiba5902]

Don’t blame me for scrolling and yt ing at 3 in the morning

[@TheStupidDetectiv]

Now here is a man that will take some of your money and give it to those who are undeserved.

[@PrincessPeachAmanda80]

I disagree with him. Only people who went through a lot of abuse can comment on this and weigh in.

[@sue.F]

Matè paints with a very broad brush. Not all parents who abuse their kids were abused themself. Not all mothers love their children, in fact a mother might love one child but hate the next. Many more examples but this celebrity psychologist (see him diagnose the erstwhile HRH, Harry) needs to be viewed with scepticism.

[@1400hpnextgen7]

Brothers and sisters will betray one another and have each other put to 💀. Parents will betray their own children, and children will turn against their parents and have them 💀. 22 Everyone will hate you because of me. But if you remain faithful until the end, you will be saved. 23 When people mistreat you in one town, hurry to another one. I promise you before you have gone to all the towns of Israel, the Son of Man will come.

[@AStupidPersonn]

@@1400hpnextgen7 Yeah, and he left all his disciples hanging didn't he? Because he isn't real. Remember when he told his disciples that some of them will still be alive when he returns on the clouds? Well, it's been over 6000 years, so I think it's safe to safe he stood us up. He ain't coming. Or doesn't exist. But then again Jesus was never very smart to begin with by cursing a fig tree when it was out of season.

[@CM-cy3qo]

I like most of his ideas but "Bad take" here from Dr. Mate.

[@JohnGeranien]

I think ‘blame’ is a concept muddled by politics and psychologists. Your parents give you a big chunk of your psychological complexes. Many ‘normal’ people lead life that they regret in the second half be it career, marriage, becoming parents. 100% parents are expected by law and society to supply self-sufficient, socially conformed adults. But nearly 100% parents carry with them the traumas of their generations, their time; oh and social-standard is a moving train. It’s all adults’ job to push this boulder up the hill. It’s just tougher than many adults’ parents are siting on that boulder instead of standing aside or pushing along. So you can blame your parents for that extra weight. But it’s your choice how you push the boulder. And there never is a warranty whether the boulder will always move up or when it slips sideway

[@IcedHaaze]

Wrong! Blame your parents! Leave if you can and keep them at distance

[@tatt4music]

This guy wants to sound so smart. But he is so off the mark. Blame is forced responsibility. And many adults and children are in need of just that.

[@KTXF_ACE]

you sound hurt

[@nerothelost9605]

“Forced responsibility”. In matters of the heart you can force nothing. Your parents are not prisoners you can bend to your will through blame. Even if you could, why?

[@AStupidPersonn]

@@KTXF_ACE I'll take the bait. :)

[@AStupidPersonn]

@@nerothelost9605 Maybe because of justice. If your parents are dog crap and teach you 1+1=18 in morals and you do things you think are correct based on that, then your parents are 100% to blame.

[@mindkindmom]

Agree 😌😌

[@tom-ss2mn]

His kids definitely blame him.

[@K2mtp]

One of his sons is a pretty successful journalist. Aaron Matè.

[@ShimmerBodyCream]

He sounds like a good, self reflective person.

[@beckykazeks6827]

Blame IS appropriate. Stop the cycle.

[@familyengineering5591]

Lol psycopaths and sociopaths are not born with an instinct to love

[@juliamichas]

Yes. And they do a lot of damage to their kids.

[@marymobley]

Which is why these youngins are physically hurt by words….😮‍💨

[@anon556]

Found the abusive, neglectful mother!

[@someguy2775]

​@@anon556she even has the "I'm a c*nt" haircut

[@54032Zepol]

Definitely the parents fault for abusing their child. This quack needs to go back to college and get his money back , they done took his money and rode off with it!

[@thepresentmoment369]

Listen to him again. Without judgment. He's saying its generational.

[@spectralmoth9721]

The guy has a model that works for him, and any other responsibility-abducator if that's the path that they choose. In a nutshell, zero responsibility and complete separation for everyone. (#HospiceLogic, #OrphanageLogic, #DumpYourLovedOnesWhereeverYouPleaseLogic)

[@wahpah]

​@thepresentmoment369 Its not mutually exclusive for both to be true. A guy can be sexually assaulted as a kid and that leads him to commiting sexual crimes against others, he's the one to blame while also acknowledging what got him there

[@brianmoren3780]

​@@wahpah Exactly.

[@SmickyD]

I don't buy it. I was emotionally and physically abused by my stripper mom. I was emancipated at 16 and I'm doing just fine getting through life. Never took any therapy or abused drugs. Just self reflected and grew from it. It's easy to blame your parents. It's harder to take responsibility for your own life and make something of yourself. You're only justifying the easy way out. Which gets you nowhere btw.

[@markwilliams5604]

this dude needs to wake up

[@AStupidPersonn]

@@markwilliams5604 He is a doc. He will never admit when he is wrong.

[@Lucaf_2008]

Ask him about Israel bombing his home land Lebanon

[@VikCalo]

How bro? We are watching this post interview… lol. 🍉🇵🇸🇱🇧🤲🏼☮️

[@nerothelost9605]

@@VikCalo😂

[@Lucaf_2008]

@@VikCalo 😅 hey, it was worth a shot…it was more about how he sold out Lebanon like the traitor he is 😎

[@menta1case182]

Had me cracking up 0:03 seconds into the video. "Can you tell me more about that? Yeah, look........." then says nothing so Theo chimes back in. After listening to this guy for 3 minutes I had to click off. This guy is nuts.

[@someguy2775]

He's part of the small hat tribe. He's a plant for Isra3l.

[@GenevieveJenevieve]

This guy is a covert narcissist. I’ve met him. He’s desperate to be seen as spiritual guru but he gets it wrong a lot of the time. He also bad mouths successful psychologists like Jordan Peterson because he’s jealous of his success.

[@Yo-oq9gg]

I mean Jordan Peterson himself is a massive grifter. Saying climate change is not real because the Co2 produced is food for the trees, the guy is absolute tool

[@heartwisdomlove]

abusive behaviour is often due to the accumulation of spiritual residues of contracted feelings of pain and aggression that arise from the unconscious due to people being ignorant of the healthy way to make love and or self pleasure since the opening of feelings in the pelvis must flow and arise spontaneously with presence, and there are many people Who hold a great deal of pelvic tension, and also who live in their mind in a fantasy daydream, and those are two problematic behaviours that create the spiritual residues

[@HeMan70525]

Hey Taylor, I started watching your videos because I love Jesus & I thought you were pretty. I just wanted to say thank you for ministering to my heart & soul. You’ve inspired me to be a better man & a better soldier for the kingdom. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.

[@AnandaSea]

Ultimately we attracted the parents we had. To pay karma and learn how much that matters. ❤ Honoring that Life was bestowed here where it's extremely difficult but WE wanted it for honing our eternal Gifts and over -coming weaknesses in the Soul, helps take the bite off the mistakes.

[@anon556]

You sound like an abusive parent to a T. Hopefully you're not allowed near children.

[@shoutatthesky]

Rubbish!

[@sumstuff6956]

Parents should be blamed tho if they are bad parents what a dumb woke bullshit idea

[@TomiBonTomi_2.0]

I wonder why the devil horns gesture @2:56 ? Nobody does this unconsciously.

[@ChirpyMike]

This guys huge ego is only surpassed by his huge eyebrows.