Unpacking Queer Loneliness

Am I lonely, or just alone? 🌈
/ dreamsounds
My new album "how to lose someone fast" is out now on Bandcamp: avelosongs.bandcamp.com/album...
And streaming services: open.spotify.com/intl-de/albu...
____________________
The soundtrack for this video features piano recordings from my great-grandfather Bill Vuono as well as original pieces and songs of mine, with performances from Hans Bilger (bass), Alexander Dubovoy (piano), and Dexter Stanley-Tauvao (drums).
It also features a cover of "Will You Miss Me" by Rev. George Beebe and H.E. McAfee performed by Shyshark and a recording of Gerald Busby's "RUNES" as performed by Adam Tendler.
Check out Adam's full recording! • RUNES (1975) | Gerald ...
00:00:00 Queer Loneliness
00:04:38 Berghain
00:12:02 Christopher
00:19:11 Concussed
00:25:15 Queer Time
00:29:36 Lou
00:38:24 i'm artificial
00:44:37 Pain Becomes Pain
00:48:08 Sylvia
00:51:46 Him
00:55:32 Post-Op
01:07:30 Gerald
01:23:05 Berlin

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thank you for watching this, y’all, I think it’s the most personal video I’ve ever made. And happy pride! 🌈 My new album "how to lose someone fast" is out now. You can find it on Bandcamp and streaming services: avelosongs.bandcamp.com/album/how-to-lose-someone-fast open.spotify.com/intl-de/album/4qaG36UdM6yvL2cK9DrtrH?si=zFjT1bvgRqKoM7Z2Fi9jCQ

[@AngelTorres-hx1dw]

So grateful for all that you do and share 🌈💖

[@queerulantin6431]

❤

[@melissaloyd1058]

Happy Pride🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈❤❤️🧡💛💚💙💜!!!

[@Mushroomelixir]

Every new Avelo video is me realizing that my "problems" aren't just some little deep scary unexplainable secrets I need to hide but just apart of myself and my queer journey.

[@c.w.r.794]

It’s so weird for me, because I see everyone being happy having boyfriends, girlfriends, being married, having a family and all that type of stuff- but my experience is, I can never get a relationship going with people, because I didn’t want to talk to them about what essentially boiled down to “you know” and I felt so alienated when people would ask me “Do you want to come to my wedding?” And it felt so awkward because I wanted to be included or involved in something, but I realized I would watch them live out a dream that I, could never achieve without pushback from other people.

[@searchingfororion]

I'm sorry you feel you can't have the life you want without negativity from the outside. I *can* say from experience that it does feel weird when everyone seems to be coupling and multiplying - especially all at once. That stage is weird even if the people around you aren't mostly cis/het. Loneliness and I were bedfellows for a *long* time before I felt comfortable with myself as company. (Life things happened and I'm still rebuilding - but it's okay to take time to do that, sometimes we need to give ourselves slack.) If you want someone to talk to; I have time. An abundance. Sometimes just small connections like these can help. No pressure though, and I certainly won't pry.

[@averyeml]

I’m asexual and I have, like, this conflicting vibe where I am SO OKAY AND VERY HAPPY on my own. Like, I talk to people at work but other than that I am usually alone, especially now that I live in China with the rest of my family back home in the US. But then sometimes there’s this gnawing feeling of missing something and being lonely, or having the existential dread of “okay but who are you gonna be around when you’re old, who will be there to help you” and the feeling like I’m wasting time. Even though, again, I am actively happy on my own and feel uncomfortable when I go for anything other than friendship. I tune it out and logic it away (being married and having kids is not a guarantee you will have people around when you’re old, etc) but it still creeps around the corner at times or sits across the table from me when I’m alone in public.

[@madisons2117]

I went on a date with a refined gentleman who was a few decades my senior. He took me to a state park that was amazing. It had miles of trails, in a virgin forest, with museums made of classically accurate log homes. We spent most of the day wandering around and chatting. we followed that up with a drive around his favourite lake and a hole in the wall restaurant that neither of us knew of beforehand. It changed my entire life. To me, that day couldn't have been better. I have never had someone show me so thoroughly that they cared about all the monologues I fall into. He listened to me. He didn't just go along, he wasn't trying to win the dating game. He listened, and then he made my perfect day. I hope that I returned that feeling for him, but I dont know that anyone could ever match his compassion. To say that he taught me how to love would be an understament. I won't ever have the words to say how much that day means to me.

[@Emmathelady]

After 12 years of being single, I wanna feel like truly loved. For context 12 year ago I was questioning my gender and was dating a girl, we were both 17. After gathering lots of courage, I messaged her, we lived in different states, as my dad and I recently moved, that I may be trans. She did not reply for a couple of hours. Then she started being transphobic. Begging me to bring back her boyfriend and said she loved me as a man and no other way. She did not reply for another few hours. Then posted a picture of her kissing a new man, with the caption, “I love you king” and that was that. We have not spoken since. I am still friends with some of her friends because they were actually accepting of me. 2 years ago, out of the blue, she messages me wising me a Merry Christmas, like I was just supposed to forget. She is no longer dating the guy she was after me, but she is dating someone and it looks like they are very close and could get engaged soon, one of her friends said. I wish I could find love. I came out to her in 2011. I would not fully gather all of my courage to completely come out until 2015, 4 years later. My family took their time processing it all, with the exception of my older sibling who went all in right away. All that aside, I wanted to recapture the feeling of love I had before I came out to my ex, not with her, but rather with a beautiful, kindhearted lady. That being said there have been times where I have been catfished or gained ride or die friends instead of a relationship and although being catfished sucks, gaining a ride or die bestie makes me so happy, as I lost a lot of “friends” when I officially came out. Some of my friends say I could gotten a girlfriend in one of those 12 years, if I had just talked to a women. Let me tell you. I agree, but my gender dysphoria really does not help. I see beautiful cis women, trans women and non-binary people, on social media or in public, and I never gather the courage to talk to any of them because I worry that they are so beautiful and I am so not, that they would not even give me the time of day. On top of that, a few people have asked me, upon meeting me for the first time and telling them I am trans, if I am a trans man. No I am not a trans man. I am a trans woman, who knows very little about makeup, fashion and passing as a woman. Ok ok. I am rambling on. I just want to experience true love. I turn 30 this year. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking I cannot be truly loved because I am not beautiful or I don’t pass or because I am trans. My ex did that to me and I don’t want her to be right.

[@himalayansalt32]

Work harder. Just because you’re trans doesn’t mean cis or even het people have it better. -A non-straight person from a homophobic country

[@peyodogo4864]

I'm a trans man that turned 30 a few days ago and has been single for a painfully long time, for reasons similar to yours. Different circumstances definitely, but the feeling is strikingly similar. Sending love to you. I hope romance of the kind you long for finds you soon.

[@floraldancer]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm around your age, trans, and have never dated, even though I have wanted to date for a long time. Your message helps me to grieve.

[@mumemic]

The way John looks at you in your photos together is so sweet 💚

[@lyonclaws5737]

the section about lou sullivan was such a pleasant surprise. ive spent quiet nights completely alone listening to lou's words and have never had another person take an interest the same way i did. great job on your video.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

RIP Lou Sullivan 🏳️‍⚧️🌈

[@Quotate]

My gf lives in Berlin and I live in the states and I feel this whole video so deeply. I long to be in Berlin, to be with her, to be queer with her. I feel everyday a deep sense of queer loneliness that only lifts when im in the city with her. In the US I feel so alone even though im in Los Angeles. It feels that people dont see me as me but as my titles (lesbian, trans, etc) and sometimes feels mostly more isolating than accepting. Im hoping one day to make it there like you. Thank you for the amazing videos. Your content consistently brings me joy.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thanks for the kindness, I hope you two can be reunited soon!

[@phoebeel]

I don't think Berlin itself is the solution. Berlin is a deeply lonely city, I say this as someone who's always lived there. People are too busy here. I don't have deep friendships even though I long for them so much. The way things are going, I'll never have a friend's group

[@ComicXanz]

BABE WAKE UP NEW AVELO JUST DROPPED

[@Whimorbood]

About the age gap for me i would like to think its like with an elf falling in love with a human. Having them in our life for not the longest time doesnt mean it didnt matter. One of the topic preparing for an essay in my highschool final exams was "Is it worth it to love if love brings pain?". It very much is, we're going to meet so many people in our lives and love and cherish and its so beatiful. And we hold the ones that are gone close maybe because of how time divided us (because that relationship fell apart) or distance or they're not alive anymore. People who we love will stay with us forever, not even in a spiritual way but just because of their impact.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

I think because of the inevitability of mortality and life constantly being in flux there's an inherent understanding that if you want to love someone or form a bond with someone else it will never be permanent, and accepting that can bring both meaning and pain. I think it's because of that trade-off we look for ways to find reliability in our relationships as much as possible, which I think leads to the assumption that if a relationship is short-lived, it is less meaningful. I've gotten a number of comments over the years about my age gap with my husband that seem to imply that the relationship wouldn't be worth pursuing solely because you don't know how much time you have left and like I mention in this video that was a big insecurity for me when I realized just how serious our love is. But after struggling with that for a while I realized that life is never guaranteed and to work so hard at maximizing time together with others instead of loving someone deeply when given the opportunity would I think be missing the point. And if it's between conforming to social expectations about what our relationship should look like and accepting love, the latter makes more sense to me. Nobody knows how much time we have, and shifting my focus from assuming I'll have some trajectory to trying to appreciate my life on a daily basis was an important change for me, but admittedly it is something I didn't truly settle with until relatively recently.

[@Whimorbood]

@@DreamsoundsVideo yes yes yes! we dont know how much time we have left! ppl seem so privy to intrude when someone is in a relationship with someone who "visibly" has "less" time like and older person or terminal person or with a disability that shortens the lifespan. I dont want to be catastrophic, only realistic. You dont know when you die. Nobody does. That terminal patient may outlive you because you dont know how much time you have. So waiting for later to start living or untill retirement, assuming you will reach it is just ridiculous. Dont kill yourself over a job that will replace you in a few weeks as if you never existed. Dont wait for later to live. Not to not be excited about the future, but to remember im also living now. Im 22, i got married this year and am in a long-distance relationship with my husband for 3 years. Yes he has to work and i might be busy, but we always have to find ways to talk often. Yes its hard, but we're living now and we still can be as content as possible now. I really love your videos and i aspire to be able to make similar videos in the future

[@phoebeel]

I think that Berlin especially is just a deeply lonely place. People are so busy, people have friends but not really deep friendships. And if you do have deep friendships, you somehow always exclude those people who seem to struggle more to form friendships. Idk... Apart from my partner, I don't really feel seen by anyone. And I don't feel like I can connect with anyone on that level. Everybody is in it for themselves. You see people every few weeks for a coffee... That's it.

[@danielgudinojuarez6729]

Such a great episode, having loneliness is a hidden subject and I am so glad it was presented here!!!🙏🙏🙏💜

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thank you, Daniel!🌈

[@mokhatastrofa80]

i cried after watching this video

[@wantfastcars]

I admit I haven't finished watching the video yet, I'm about halfway through, but a lot of this video is hitting very close to home. I also started my medical transition at 27, no surgery yet, and only just a very recently entered my first relationship with someone who has only known me since the start of my transition and who only knows me as a trans woman. She's wonderful and beautiful and I love her, and I think for the first time, neither of us feels lonely. But even despite that, I'm worried that things won't work out just because our life situation is very different, and I'm terrified to go back to being lonely again. It is amazing how good it feels to be with her, though, after years and years of just thinking I was fine being alone, simply talking with her makes me so happy. Losing that... I'm a new subscriber and this is only the second video I've seen on this channel, but so far, more so than most other LGBT KZbinrs I follow, I feel like this one picks at the edges and gets into the little cracks in my psyche in a way that both terrifies me and enthralls me. Thank you for what you're doing. I wish you the best of luck in your life.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thank you for the kind words. Wishing the best for you both 🌈

[@johnmcdermott5811]

❤❤❤

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

🌈💗thank you for your love, john

[@searchingfororion]

Thank the two of you for sharing your sweetness. It's always so incredibly heartwarming.

[@WitchPaper1]

This comment made my day.

[@jackm.j.3549]

This really helped me sit with my feelings and grief and realize how loved I am. I feel lonely most of the time but because of a recent crisis, I realized how many people came out to support and care for me. I'm autistic so I often feel an incredible distance between myself and others. Out of a weird self preservation I misinterpret all emotions from others as disgust or dislike when that isn't ever the case. In an era of rising fascism, community is something I can nurture to protect myself and my loved ones.

[@PinkPulpito]

Same, emotionally I feel despised 24/7. Even though I have a lot of evidence on the contrary. Things go awry and I question all the realities I’ve had of late.

[@JustinW332]

I've been in a similar boat most of my adult life as a gay disabled man in a conservative area. Loneliness was excruciating for a long time until I found my friend group. But even then, I still want a relationship. But guys don't really give me a chance. Like I have to prove that I can take care of myself and deal with overly invasive questions. It's exhausting.

[@3dnygma]

What a lovely video! Your interview with Gerald was especially intriguing. And the shots/cinematography you made of Berlin and your flat really added a lot. They felt lonely but in a very warm way.

[@stormieo4252]

"the things i thought i want arent really what i need" i feel that girl. I think i can relate to a lot of the feelings you have about that relationship. This was such a beautiful video, artful and thoughtful. Thanks so much ❤

[@BengalaFraca]

I have social anxiety so I've always felt lonely and isolated but I usually don't relate to this type of loneliness

[@lynxthewise7233]

Gerald's composition is so magical!!! At first it felt like a tense Ghibli track, then it became a whimsical Twilight Princess moment... Would love to hear the rest!

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

I linked to Adam's full recording of it in the description, and the other Gerald thing I briefly showed (the score for 3 Women) is on streaming services :)

[@celebrityguest.9530]

thank you so much for making this. i don’t know if i have much more specific of a comment i can articulate just yet but… seriously. this was beautiful and profound and i think i really needed this. so thank you. ❤

[@mangodew4040]

This video came at a perfect time for me. I actually cried a little. Thank you for making these

[@elsleepy9396]

Im gonna cry, I can't believe I'm not the only one feeling this. Thank you for posting this ❤

[@CO2-emissions]

This was lovely, crying rn, so much love. Incredible to live in this broken world

[@SebastianSeanCrow]

1:08:20 you guys greeting each other is just the sweetest thing 😭

[@Lil1kv]

Im an older transmasc teen, and i hope this doesn't come off as odd, but these videos feel like a warm blanket being laid on me; showing that life as a queer person will be difficult and have hardships, yet it can also be so beautiful and worth living. Thank you

[@markwrede8878]

If you're lonely when you're by yourself, you're in bad company. -Sartre

[@khalylehagood3222]

What a doozy of a video for my intro to your channel. It felt like art, and has me reflecting on my own life.

[@searchingfororion]

This was gorgeous. It was also amazing to get a 'behind the scenes' not only of Dreamsounds to Avelo, but somewhat share the nostalgia with you; especially the revisits to songs you performed on livestream what seems like a lifetime ago. (At least for me) Also, I know I say it all the time but bookmark it for when you could use the reminder: You're gorgeous Marlene. That's just objectively true. More importantly; you're lovely inside and out. Thank you for sharing that with us. (Also my thought about the selfie was "cute!" you said "sexy" - which in itself is adorable - and I wish you two a very **ahem** "cute!" reunion and fully understand if another update doesn't happen until winter.)

[@whaddyamean939]

WAKE UP BABES NEW AVELO MOVIE I found this channel through her "Finding a Trans Voice" vid. I was instantly in love with the editing style and cinematic qualities of the b-roll and other visuals. It's striking, yet beautiful, and I'm so excited to give this one a watch (and maybe cry, who knows) Thank you for sharing your voice with us, Avelo 💙💙💙 EDIT: Yeah, had a good cry at this one fellas 👍

[@charliebear154]

Oh dear, my KZbin recommendations are here to hurt me today. Can’t wait 🙃

[@Skip-Towne]

You're style of writing and storytelling is engrossing. Thank you for sharing these moments with us. I made a big move last year, I live with friends and things are better now than they have been - but now that that I feel more comfortable and less anxious, I now have the space to realise that I am lonely. Much to think about. Also, i love your music. Got chills listening to you singing.

[@unclassedmedia]

love this. thank you for taking the time to communicate it.

[@TaylorTheOtter]

This video really meant a lot to me. It taught me things about myself that I really needed to hear. I cried. Four times. But such is life, especially when suddenly faced with a metaphorical mirror. Also I should start writing music again.

[@Sad_bumper_sticker.]

Wow you shared so many minute-snippets of your soul-ish-ness and thoughts! And as a queer hermit-loner , due to cptsd I only feel my authentic self when I’m alone, so I’ve been living in chosen isolation for years, when I discoverer the concept of Schizoid (which means loving solitude) but simultaneously I fantasize about a future queer person intellectual ponderings partner. So for anyone feeling lonely, one path is to acknowledge and care for that feeling, but another is exploring - if you feel lonely, ONLY because mainstream society socializes us that we should have friends, partners, lovers. If this helps anyone, I stopped feeling lonely when I researched Schizoid chosen-loneliness. I discovered I am only honestly „ME” when alone. I do plan for a queer asexual brain-nerd, but for me, I know that FEELING LONELY used to make me chose abusive red-flag partners in the past. In that way, our lonelines can sadly betray us and give us pain.

[@LucGendrot]

This was so, so beautiful! About 20 minutes after finishing this video (and moving on to others) I briefly burst into tears and I'm not entirely sure why. I have a feeling I'll be back to listen again after I've sat with it for a bit. :') Happy Pride!

[@manwhoismissingtwotoenails4811]

Living as a queer teenager in a small rural Tennessean community this sums up all of my highschool experience.

[@An-rp1vx]

I don't have words to describe the insight into my self and relationships with my mom and grandparents. Thank you for a look at a beautiful world.

[@z.i.g.4840]

This could not have come at a better time 💙

[@skylarback]

such a beautifully written and executed video, the music makes me feel hopeful and want to hug my loved ones tighter. fantastic as always!

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

thank you, skylar!

[@johnnzboy]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this honest, touching, hopeful, beautiful work of art

[@FaithSheikh]

Incredible video. Had me crying a few times. I didn't expect to relate so deeply to so some of the things you talked about. Thank you for sharing your love and your beautiful songs with us. Subscribed.

[@weeredfrog]

Every video you make takes me on such a journey but this one is so beautiful

[@drageben145]

This is the first video i watched from you, and all i can truly say that this was beautiful

[@jargoggle]

how do i always see some new part of myself watching your videos? thank you marlena

[@anyarobinson2334]

Thanks for the exestential crisis. 10/10 would recommend to friends as a psychological and emotional attack method.

[@Faelanidk]

Another beautiful crafted and articulated video 🫶

[@akaihys]

wow! this was randomly recommended to me. it was more personal than i expected, but i loved it anyway. i cried floods, lol. i'm a transmasc nonbinary person (who only recently realized that) and i also have very few people in my life right now. i deal with the most ridiculous, melodramatic, angsty, desperate loneliness over that. i often feel like it scares others away and needs to be hidden. so i always appreciate open discussion of it, especially through a queer lens. i also found hearing about your experiences in berlin interesting. i've been very strongly considering leaving the US myself, hoping that maybe my problem is just my milieu- like maybe the people where i'm living just aren't right for me, or something. but of course the problem could also just be me. oh and, gerald seems so lovely! his interview was a delight :)

[@wilsowallis]

lou sullivan oh my god!! not through with the video yet but it’s looking to be a beautiful one… so glad to see him becoming more publicly memorialized

[@gjhartist3685]

Wonderful video. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

[@queerulantin6431]

Thanks so much this is important

[@georgelanetz7092]

Thank you so much for this

[@xexpaguette]

thank you for doing what you do, i find these videos helpful in understanding my feelings when it comes to my queer life ❤

[@ash-fr5hy]

6:19 HAHAHA oh god this speaks to me on an unbelievable level. im a 19yr old trans man, a couple of months ago i got the guts to go to a bar durin' slow hours of the day. i got a beer, finished it, left and passed a bookstore. browsed a bit, came across 'the stranger', it was perfect size to fit in the pocket of my jacket. i bought it and went back for another beer, reading it at one of the tables, and ofcourse, smoking my cigarettes. i quite literally laughed out loud when you mentioned cigarettes and that book. ive been feeling the queer loneliness myself lately, and i think this video will be something to soothe, ive only started it, but thank you. 12:44 - 13:16 wow, hit the nail on the head right there.

[@narglefargle]

You really do have an excellent ear for melody.

[@cherrypanda887]

hose maria luna also put out a video on queer misery a couple days ago, and now we have queer loneliness! apparently we're all depressed this july 😅

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

josé's video on queer misery is incredible!

[@nathaniel_fern4207]

Always making me cry…. ;_; Thank you for this

[@shampooslurper]

Love your usage of art in this video!!!! Art historian part of me couldn’t look away.

[@porcelaingiant2965]

Beautiful

[@Ecliptic-P]

NEW AVELO VIDEO JUST DROPPED

[@KhaoticDeterminism]

just us and the Void of space #indigenous #queer #2Spirit

[@2shadowgamer2]

This is very good ❤😢

[@broadwaybebe223]

❤

[@keter-kunttry5066]

Thank you for making this beutiful video

[@MazTheMeh16]

HAPPY PRIDE CANT WAIT TO WATCH

[@seb4462]

wow, that was intense

[@nice-qm5jc]

Wow! Just found you, this was beautiful

[@kookies4later921]

It’s making me very sad that nobody talked about this when I was in high school, genuinely so badly I want nothing more than to be loved unconditionally and have no consequences and be free of all of this I’m about to turn 20 and I’ve only ever had one relationship it didn’t last more than 2 months and it really sucks how nobody talks about how difficult it is to date people as a queer person or live that teenage fantasy dream that everyone else is getting to live except for you, you’re always the one left out and told you’re the problem as to why it’s not happening. The years of what I could only call yearning and complete and udder loneliness as a queer person who couldn’t even connect to other queer people because I didn’t feel they actually understood cause they looked so happy living their open queer lives and didn’t share the same experiences as me. Anyway not sure how to feel about this now :/

[@Aleteos]

Aaaw, Gerald reminds me of my Grandma. ❤

[@TheMoFont]

My favorite thing about your videos is how I can see the progress of an artist. Your voice and lyricism have grown exponentially and thats what i love to see, artists growing. As to the topic of the video, I feel the pull of clubs and drugs and playing the part of the bad boy, but that ain't me. Queer culture is rough. There's so many facets out there of queer life, but also like, not every city has those facets. Its hard to find like-minded people.

[@user-ls9od4bt9m]

gurrlll yesss

[@hellNo116]

omg you are such a sweet person i can't. also you are the first trans woman creator i have watched that likes men that much. it is refreshing. i don't feel it. but it is nice people liking stuff. your love is so deep it captivating. i just want to scream and play loud stuff whenever i touch my guitar. and you simply make such cute stuff. the whole video for me who is barely older than you but haven't gotten on hrt yet is a godsend. for me my queer time broke in uni and i am back at it almost a thirty year old. and yet at the start i felt like was 18 again. i hit on someone after almost 4 years this last month. such a sweet girl. i got rejected for some reason i will never know, but at the start i was feeling weird because i was like 9 years older or something like that. your videos reminded me that age is just a number (up to a given point obviously) and healthy sincere loving relationships can be had with even bigger age gaps. you have such a beautiful soul that is almost infectious. thank you

[@everettlopez9127]

i need to go missing

[@DakotaGray42]

Your videos always make me cry, normally in a good way. You’re a very excellent emotional writer. You analyze your thoughts and articulate your words very beautifully. I just wanted to let you know that I always look forward to listening to every one of your essays, you make me feel less alone as a fellow trans woman who has had similar experiences to you. Thanks 🙏🏻

[@tris_makes_music]

Beautiful, loverly vidéo much love ! (And yeah in my experience progestérone makes you feel like a teenager ; high highs, low lows & libido unlike anything I've ever known ahah) 🦋💕

[@hiccupo2277]

i have to say this but your video essays are like no other. this and the trans voice video arent just essays but real works of art and theyve helped me so much. thank you

[@naomiwinters3738]

As a Trans woman immigrant living in Germany with my wife (also trans and immigrant) we feel quite isolated, we haven't made any single friendship in a year and we speak a lot about that feeling of isolation and loneliness. I had to stop the video at the beginning because I thought maybe it's too triggering for me but I will try to finish it later if I am in a better mood.

[@SylviaRustyFae]

Took me a little while to be in a spot to give this the attention it deserves :3 Hoppin in now whilst doin all i can to drown out the endless sounds of "Independence" (both a city and the concept) blare outside Id much ratherve pride in my queerness than pride in this country that seems intent on reenactin large parts of the 20th century 9,9

[@everettlopez9127]

oh my god

[@mythicalelf]

Were those pictures of Tchaikovsky? Besides that, beautiful video. Your channel helps me a lot.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Yes, they were

[@SimberPlays]

I didn't think my loneliness in crowds had that much to do with being queer but i guess it does. It's the seemingly everpresent allonormative ideas and gender roles. Like everyone is coupled off or has a few people that are part of their core group and if you arent then they dont care about you that much. It feels very isolating

[@Fenan_21]

I'm 21, getting off of benzos cause I spent too long eating those (knowing the consequences even) and all the other shit I did, facing some of if not the worst depression (worse than what sent me to inpatient care) and I relate to that story too much. I learned a shitload about how to abuse everything the safest way possible and did that basically. I'm also finally putting together the fact that I am dysphoric about my gender and how if I want any meaningful change to happen I'm going to have to do so so much work. And on top of all that, my support system has effectively evaporated and the only ones left that support me do so reluctantly and there's no way I can reasonably be out (gender-wise and living situation-wise) of the house anytime soon. I'm grappling with the things I thought I put to rest because I only just shoved them down and never had the words or environment to discuss them properly, nobody to tell me that certain things indicated dysphoria, and I feel dumb for only now realizing it. But I can't be hard on myself like that because its unfair to my perceptions and journey. When I was 15, I thought I was dead, that I had lived all that life had to offer and that it was only downhill, I am still trying to bring myself to life to this day with mitigated success. The substances absolutely were a part of that, not very long after my stay colorado decriminalized mushroom possession and that got me to question the ethics of substance use for the first time ever, something I knew to stay away from because of my absent methheaded father. I thought I could be better than him, even though being better than a man whos spent most of his life tweaking and behind bars is just breathing free air, it was that farce idea of masculinity, of "being the better man" that I knew when I started to question my gender all those years ago I just... never felt it and chalked it all up to "well I guess I'm a man because I feel like one and I've been told I am one and I seem to look and sound like one so I guess that's the end of the story" and... here we are. And my therian experiences are a whole other wall of text, the idea and feeling of not being human is one I have and still do identify with but its the most difficult of them all because I know its something I will only achieve in the afterlife (or at least my version anyhow). I want to be seen as a dog, to be loved and cherished blindly, accepted even with flaws, running around, making a mess, being loud, everything. And having my human identity be the only thing I can have control over people perceiving is extremely dysphoric and causes me to shove emotions down even more. My pain became pain, back into acceptance, to a currently crawling back pain that I know is the biggest mental fallacy I'm facing right now. I can't give up now, even when I feel like the space I've found is rejecting me for whatever xyz reason I can think up and let that dictate my existence. I know that my mental health circumstances are preventing me from generally accepting love back right now but something would be better than nothing. Thats the point of getting better, of changing.

[@Fenan_21]

Bottom surgery is something I've been grappling with more recently, I've always desired a trans body but with those parts in tact and those feelings are starting to be fucked with a little. I just don't know if its right for me or not, but everything still feels wrong right now and I don't feel like I can trust myself. I know I don't need to now, but still. This video is, beyond excellent. I wish I had more concise words.

[@anewagora]

I was a trans man for 14 years. Since I was a straight man, I didn't participate in LGBT culture much or see it as relevant to me. Living as a man was lonely due to the coldness and hostility towards us. Transgenderism was also a condition that followed me everywhere, it lived in my body. I was treated as a predator and "oppressor" for being a man, and it was nearly impossible to get closer to a woman and be romantic, despite me passing very well. And my body had this disorder, this ingrained disability that made it harder on top of being a man. Only when I detransitioned after a profound spiritual transformation have I been freed from this experience. Suddenly people are kinder and more open, they don't automatically treat me like a predator, it was easier to get jobs in my field that is female dominated, and people of both genders are romantically interested in me. I'm not sure what people should do with this information, but it is true there is a loneliness I felt as a man, and a loneliness from transgenderism.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

I don't agree at all with your characterization of transness as a disorder and disability, but I do want to respond to this comment and say that an earlier version of this video did have a section about detransitioners but I removed it just because it was one of many sections that didn't make the final cut. I have no interest in the narrative of using detransition as an argument against trans healthcare, but the section focused more on the detransitioners I've seen on KZbin and Reddit who feel isolated from queer communities and shared their unique experiences with loneliness. I empathize with those perspectives because I've come across people who describe very similar things to what I felt before transitioning and I can also empathize with the loneliness that comes when you feel that your life is not what you thought it was. Maybe that topic will appear in a future video, but it didn't make the cut this time.

[@N.Bhr9]

I am a trans man. Or maybe not. I am lost. I don't know what is good or not for me, now and on the long run. I am currently giving myself space and time, which was needed. I started T and actually stopped after 7.5 months. I am out at some places, stealth at some others, and not even out as a man at other places, I really have the 3 worlds cis-passing, trans and cis/masc presenting. One of the reasons I am really considering detransition - or at least waiting a few years before my next move (I'm young - 21/22 yo) - is the social aspect and a sense of loneliness (and inauthenticity/lying?). It comes from a lot of things, but in the end, I don't think that I am able to do it (pursue a transition). The cost might be to high (at the moment at least) and I am not feeling experienced enough and confident enough to pursue it. Queer loneliness is a real weigh in my case and I eventually feel better among women, so trying to be a woman again is worth it. We'll see later how it will evolve.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

If you haven't already, I'd recommend checking out the Lou Sullivan diaries I talk about in this video. I couldn't cover everything, but there are so many interesting thoughts about going back and forth, finding his place in the world, and trying to find a balance in living the life he wanted to live. I can imagine from a transmasc perspective what Lou wrote is even more relatable, as a transfem it was already so comforting to read his thoughts. I also recently put out a video on trans voices that discusses my feelings on "authenticity" while transitioning, but I didn't want to repeat myself so didn't really mention it in this video. Gender is complicated and I wish you all the best with your journey!

[@anewagora]

@@DreamsoundsVideo wow, I was not expecting a reply from the video creator, thank you :) Given the way your video is structured I imagine it would be quite complicated to try fitting a detrans section into it. I don't want trans and detrans people to be so against each other, or placed in positions in a war we did not choose. You've done something for me just now that very few trans people (particularly those involved in LGBT culture actively) have done. You accepted my statement even with our differences and disagreements and decided to give me a thoughtful and interesting response. I started a support group on Discord for trans and detrans people because I saw a fundamental overlap in the experiences and problems we face socially and medically. I also found that the various ways our problems are characterized is full of noise, political motives and confusion. None of it discovers what we really experience- healthwise, socially, even spiritually. I wanted to do something to make sense of this. I wanted to make sense of what happened to me. I was rock solid as a transman since age 14. I perceived myself as a boy my whole childhood. I never lived as a woman until a year ago. My old self was desperate for medical transition, and fought like a dog for 3 years as a minor to save my life. Simultaneously I deal with permanent consequences for medical transition. I don't know what to do with this contradiction within myself; my old vs new self. I want everyone to find inner peace and healing, strength with their bodies on their journey. Your video here touches on a deep underlying rift; you've opened a Pandora's Box. Surface level mainstream LGBT culture is glamorous, materialistic, too positive. It's one limited narrative people apply to every LGBT person, even though our experiences are actually so varied. Transmen have a different experience than transwomen, gay men from lesbians, trans vs gay, etc. Our loneliness grows if our real experience is not seen. Your videos are unique and appreciated, a gentle curious look into trans experiences. Thank you.

[@mokhatastrofa80]

suvj a great video! thank you

[@SebastianSeanCrow]

4:51 you’re only a year older than me!

[@artemismoonbow2475]

It is not easy to live the life as a Bacchae. Leave society to embrace life and find out that Dionysus has his own demands.

[@Fluff-gl6yr]

I seem to be pretty early to this one

[@gabrielraphael8084]

Beautiful ! I am working through internalized transphobia and looking out for transgender role models. This video certainly helps see a more introspective, creative transgender woman, rather than the old stereotypes.

[@chordorgantapes]

❤🏁🌈💎🚬🌙🍟🌸

[@gabriellef3351]

As a uterus toter let me say you are certainly experiencing bonafide pms

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

haha thank you for the confirmation! Once I suspected what was going on I got dinner with a friend and described to her what had been going on in detail and she was like "yeah so it's definitely that"

[@devadasi1]

as a long term post op transwoman, why would a transwoman need a gynecologist? You don't have a cervix, no menstrual cycle, no ovaries, eggs, womb. No need for a pap smear.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Where I live in Germany it is common practice for post op trans women to have a gynecologist for related gynecological care, for similar reasons to why a cis woman who has had a complete hysterectomy also would

[@book-guitarenjoyer87]

im a femboy im feeling lonely when my boyfriend go to work maybe i should find a job too

[@manwhoismissingtwotoenails4811]

Are you on Spotify?

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Yup! You can find my new album (which features songs from this video) under the name Avelo. The album is “how to lose someone fast”

[@deathcrist2000]

🫂

[@mirroredhour]

I've noticed that switch to they/them pronouns by people when they find someone is trans (and not nonbinary). Feels like people don't want to slip up and say the wrong pronoun by doing that but then it feels like overlooking the trans person's identity by not just calling them the right pronoun even if you could slip up.

[@artsyghost9398]

This made me realise something. The acceptance of queer folks would mean the sacrifice of queer culture. Queer culture is batlling against queerphobia and showing the world we're normal like them. But once that's done, there's no reason to do that anymore. Which is why Pride is now seen as "boring" in the West even by our fellow queers there, while it's still important for those of us in the East. In fact, this applies to everything else. I also realised that culture is formed from hiding. People always laugh at "white culture" of "American culture" because it's so mainstream. There's no denying that white people are at the top. Meanwhile, black culture, hispanic culture, Asian culture, and such are rich because it's not mainstream. And in, let's say, Asian countries, the culture is still rich because it is hidden under a modernised and westernised society. And while European culture isn't looked down upon, it is still "left behind" until it gets hidden as well behind modern society too. So, what I'm saying is, acceptance equals the death of culture. Culture that was formed because there was no acceptance and that we only had ourselves to cling onto.

[@aawillma]

I'd love a queer and/or BIPOC to do a long form piece on this issue of assimilation being the death of culture.

[@lvl21bellsprout92]

imagine having to have people like you around to feel comfortable.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

I don't think wanting acceptance from others is unique to trans experience

[@copiousorcas]

did you know that its easier to connect with people you have something in common with and that people need social connections in life

[@IAEMThatIAEM]

unpack hetero loneliness for JP's incel fans

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

I don’t think I have any insight on hetero loneliness lol