AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT: "REPEATED MATERNAL REJECTION" | DR. KIM SAGE

[@christinefinn6180]

But if they won’t go to therapy or work on themselves there is no point.. no matter how a secure person is with them it creates huge difficulties for the secure partner!

[@marcrichard7251]

I agree

[@christinefinn6180]

@@marcrichard7251 yup don’t ask but I’ve had experience of this and how avoidant use substances to avoid the ‘feelings’ plus a parent without therapy then passes that to child..

[@alrighttumbleweed4782]

Don't date us then, problem solved 🤗

[@christinefinn6180]

@@alrighttumbleweed4782 that’s not realistic as long as someone wants to grow learn and figure out how to move forward there is always hope.. we all move through different styles during different periods.. that’s a typical push back ‘ don’t date us’ I meet many humans and work with complex behaviours everyday.. I didn’t think your comment was helpful.. I suggested like Kim says working on themselves in therapy helps everyone! However you can take the horse to water but you can’t make them drink!

[@alrighttumbleweed4782]

@@christinefinn6180 you whinging about us creating difficulties for secure people is not helpful either. You shouldn't get with a person with the intention to "lead them to water". For someone who rates themselves highly as some kind of "complex behavior genius" you're pretty oblivious to your own arrogance. Maybe you should be looking in your own water trough 🐴

[@shawndabache5467]

After pushing people away and being overly independent for over 30 years of my life I found someone I finally felt like I could lean on and saw a future with only to find out that they were a narcissist who only wanted to steal, lie and cheat. This, as well as an unhealed past, has caused me to slip into a very deep depression and only feel comfort in isolation. I have spent the past 3 years trying just about everything suggested only to be stuck penniless and falling deeper into the darkness. Thank you so much for your posts and hard work, which are always a light of hope.

[@alrighttumbleweed4782]

Hey I just wanted to say sorry that you went through this. Same for me I spent my life building up savings to finally feel secure with a roof over my head no matter what, only to have everything taken from me by the one person I truly went out of my comfort zone to let myself rely on them in some ways. I don't think I will ever recover mentally or financially. They hurt me physically too. I regret ever giving away my trust to that level. I'm sure this comment section will end up being 🍑 holes to avoidants, but we didn't just get this way by ourselves. I wish you health and healing. Maybe one day someone will prove to us that not everyone is a ☮️ of 💩

[@shawndabache5467]

@@alrighttumbleweed4782 thank you for sharing a little of your story. I wish you healing and recovery as well.

[@Esmeralda18026]

Understanding what happened changed me completely. Belief me all of us want to change this and hence we found ppl like you🙏

[@DrKimSage]

I am just so sorry you had to endure that kind of hope and then hurt and disappointment....it is not easy, but I am sending you love and light today.❤️❤️

[@DrKimSage]

@Alright, Tumbleweed I am so sorry you've been hurt and you're so right, this doesn't come out of nowhere...it's a path of safety born out of pain and danger. 😢💔

[@MinifigNewsguy]

This video explains a lot of the younger generation. 5:00 to 5:30 explains why the smartphone became the "parent"... because the *parent is emotionally unavailable.*

[@jhlfsc]

As someone who is no doubt 100% dismissive avoidant as an attachment style, I can tell you that you can be this way and have had parents who were overly attentive and instead of coming from a feeling of neglect, coming from an overwhelming feeling that you were directly responsible for the emotional well being of one or more of your caregivers (even if they were attentive).

[@nannyboo9832]

yep.. the DA I’m seeing had a super overbearing anxious mother and has said that’s why they hate being close with other people

[@jhlfsc]

@@nannyboo9832 Yeah it's alot. I've recently realized that our super power (at least for us) is to have the ability to rationalize other people's behavior (like an anxious mother) and to not take it personally/blame that person as if they were doing something maliciously on purpose as LONG as we have the space and time away to do so. It definitly helps to protect us, but unfortunately still creates a shortcut past dealing with the true emotions we felt regardless of the explanation behind the cause.

[@carolinam4301]

Love this series! You actually helped me get diagnosed and I’ve been going to therapy for years trying to fix it but never really got anywhere until I saw your video and told the therapist that I had this attachment style. Thank you 🙏

[@mandalora5325]

Thank you for paying special attention to the fact that avoidants typically don’t want to be the way they are (once they realize it’s hurting others) and why they operate like this to begin with, and encouraging not to completely reject the parts that helped them survive. As an avoidant who’s trying to heal and educate myself through online resources, seeing people berating and outright demonizing avoidants left and right can be pretty discouraging. All in all, wonderful content, thank you!

[@erikavaleries]

Yes, this is me. It's been hard to take relationships seriously after becoming aware of my family behavior & treatment. I actually had Therapy since my teens but I feel so traumatized by my Psychopath mother

[@DrKimSage]

I am so very sorry and I understand how painful that can be...sending love❤️🙏

[@CountryOfClocks]

I find that it took a long time for me to even know I had a serious problem. So many people repeated that I was a late bloomer until it just got too weird to explain it away like that. I'm not a lonely person, but on an intellectual level I can recognize the value in relationships. However I can't make myself want that. One time long ago I tried to have a relationship because of the whole "late bloomer" thing people kept repeating to me. I thought maybe they knew something I didn't. That maybe everyone has to be in their first relationship before the desire for one kicks in. That was a terrible mistake, and I hurt a person I never wanted to hurt. Since then I've never tried again. And I don't really want to, since I now know that the desire won't kick in even if I do. But that's not to say I don't seek out healing. Been working on it for many years now whether through therapy or trying other things. Because even without any romantic/sexual partners, working on myself still matters for the sake of other people in my life. Friends and family both matter. I want to give to them as much as they give to me. The only time I've felt lacking and miserable is when I tried to have a desire that isn't there. And that's no good for anybody.

[@allwellandgood8547]

I can relate so much and see how this links to my CEN and maternal abandonment. On reflection I think that lockdown probably heightened these coping mechanisms for me and its taking alot of self awareness to make positive changes. I love that there are strengths to this attachment style though. It fascinates me how easy it is to switch to anxious style in certain company though, I'd love to understand more about that. Thank you for another fabulous video Dr Sage, they really add joy to my day ❤

[@DrKimSage]

Yes it really does often link with CEN and lockdown has really made it even more impactful on our nervous systems.....I will talk more about the collision between patterns soon! I always appreciate you being here and your thoughtful responses!❤️❤️

[@allwellandgood8547]

@@DrKimSage thank you so much ❤️

[@Dee-Ann_Louise]

As I am learning about myself, I am also understanding the man I have been in love with for the last 17 years. He and I are the same, only he is even more extreme than I am. I nownunderstand the ghosting and ignoring. He doesn't do it on purpose... it is his attachment style. He is my mirror.

[@Kate-B4]

I wish you were my therapist

[@Stukkeman]

Thank you so much for unpacking and articulating the relational dynamics. It’s incredibly helpful for me to be more immediately and deeply aware of and compassionate with what’s happening for my DA. Curiously, and naturally, I’m finding I’m more able to remain unmovingly and unflinchingly secure 🙏🏼

[@DrKimSage]

I love to hear that it helps you and that you are remaining secure❤️

[@morganjones2744]

My mother really liked being close with me. The issue I think, was growing up with an anxious attachment mother who needed me a lot as I grew older, and in some ways depended on me emotionally when she probably shouldn't have. I played off a certain "face" to make her feel better, and never showing any strong negative emotions (anger, frustration, etc). I could be upset, and she'd comfort me, but only if it wasn't about her. I could never say that she made me upset or she will be "why would you say that?" calling me a 'brat' or "selfish" and so forth, when I was just a kid expressing how I felt. She needed me to be a sunshine, happy girl who loved her mother no matter what... so I did that. but this also made me distant from her. She became less of a parent in my eyes because of it. I couldn't rely on her for every emotional need, so I pushed feelings back a lot. She really needed someone to reassure her that she's doing god job, insecure about so many things in her life thus her emotions were based on how I responded to her every choice; if I say one thing, even as a child who doesn't understand my mothers adult emotions, I am 'judging her entire being' by wanting to be alone or agreeing with someone else other than her, so 'now I hate her, I don't like her anymore and not liking mom is the WOSRT thing ever'. I think, you shouldn't expect your kids to like you (all the time, I know its probably good that they like you a little, but you shouldn't expect that from them)... what's important is to make sure your kids feel safe with you no matter what (and usually liking you to some extent will lead to that trust--- but again, expectation is the thing that will hinder your child's trust in you emotionally and needs wise).

[@universaltruth2025]

My husband, brother and father were/are all avoidant. My mother probably was fearful leaning dismissive. She gave just enough validation to keep me reliant and connected but then if I trusted her too much and asked for ‘too much’ she would abruptly withdraw & get dismissive & angry. That is a bit of a mindf**k for a child. Its basically the intermittent reinforcement of a drug (oxytocin) which creates a strong dependency bond, but because you never know whether to ask for help or not, you watch and wait (go into freeze mode) and it creates learned helplessness, which is what happened for me and which I’m still trying to recover from years later.

[@kaynoname1125]

I just had an epiphany as to why I lean towards dismissive avoidant. I have never felt unconditional love from my mother, and felt my brother (1 year younger) was always the golden child and I was second best. Despite always trying to please her and make her proud by getting the best grades and eventually making something of myself, I never quite seem to get the praise I need to feel validated. Because of her anxieties, she'd reluctantly come to awards ceremonies etc. When I was around 7, I remember my mother had an outburst one day and told me she wishes I was never born. We had a tumultuous relationship until I was around 16. The mood shifts and passive aggressiveness is still there, but most times I will withdraw and stonewall to prevent similar outbursts or further triggering my feelings of unworthiness. My relationships have repeated this cycle of people pleasing, helping out emotionally, practically and financially and getting nothing in return but continuing anyway, in hopes I will become the golden (child) partner. So far it has not worked out well for me, but these videos are helpful in creating change, so thank you.

[@horacesilver5238]

I LOVE your video. Mostly, because it allows me to have a lot of compassion and empathy for an ex that ran over me emotionally like a freight train. Don't think she was doing it on purpose, but man the emotional abuse. When I see why I don't really feel angry anymore, totally understand why I started out secure with her...but as the relationship progressed I wasn't able to remain that way and slowly became an unravelled and anxious mess at the end ANd oh my lord...projecting their fears onto others. When the break up happened it was all my doing, all the things that were wrong with me. And in my anxious state, I took it,...didn't see it for what it was

[@vanessasworder]

Being sent to boarding school at seven and no contact allowed for weeks at a time …and then brought home and do happy to be with my mum and animals and in the house I loved to be sent back again….

[@lilyneva]

7:10 How can I be sure the avoidant individual in my life is in fact avoidant when he is behaving in the ways described here? I.e., couldn’t it be that he simply prefers to take things very, very slow, in friendships and romantic relationships alike; prefers not to send many texts; prefers to spend time alone on weekends especially when he has a lot going on at work; is easily ‘socially overwhelmed’ and need time to decompress alone? (Or maybe does not like me but is too polite to say it?) When does it make sense for me to say I expect there to be an equal amount of give and take on both ends, meaning, e.g., I will strive to send fewer and shorter text messages, but I’d like them to meet me halfway and answer the texts I do send. In the situation I am in with this person, I feel like I am being ’too much’ or unhealthy for wanting more closeness, and that their behavior is somehow the appropriate behavior. This is not a good feeling but I am happy to feel it and work on myself if it is the appropriate course of action. I just feel I need to make sure it makes sense. Maybe the reason I don’t feel ‘in the right’ to ask for an equal amount of effort on their behalf is because the situation, and how I react to the situation, the way it activates my attachment system, feels as if it places me in a vulnerable position where I am the needy, insecure part, and they are the self-sufficient, independent part. Or it might be because while this person keeps saying they are not trying to be hurtful, that they just want to move slower and feel overwhelmed, and saying that it makes them withdraw from me, still, because it is I and not them who is getting anxious and reaching out, even naming my feeling rejected and concerned they don’t want to be friends me, I guess it makes sense that I feel vulnerable. And yes, I can see that I’m totally giving away my power. I don’t want to be presumptuous or intrusive and it feels like I would be if I suggest to this person that his behavior potentially signifies an avoidant attachment and a manifestation of the things in his background he has alluded to. This is something I keep feeling confused about: I’m sensitive to my fearful-avoidant-anxious-leaning-attachment affects people with a dismissive avoidant attachment. When dismissive avoidants get upset with me for sending too many and too long text messages or emails or get impatient with me when I express excessive emotion, how do I know if I am in my right to say it is a two-way street and if they want to have a relationship with me they need to be open to compromising and talking openly about these things.

[@kimberlygabaldon3260]

Thank you, Dr Sage. I think this might explain someone i know.

[@KimberleyJP]

So helpful for assisting me in understanding key people in my life with have this style. Though I'm more on the anxious side I know I'm hearfyl avoidant and hoping to see videos on this ❤ Thanks once again ❤

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you so much for being here Kimberley❤️🙏

[@christinefinn6180]

Could you discuss how many avoidant people have a tendency to use substance to surpress their feelings or to avoid exploring them.. even with intensive therapy or AA they still will avoid admitting to have issues with substances and equally wanting to delve deeper into normal healthy relationship connection as telling your feelings or being vulnerable is not allowed..

[@abenijones311]

Oh my how true this is. They definitely struggle in that area. And substances are their go to, on top of extreme distance. So sad to watch the more I learn about these styles of attachment.