ARE YOU RE-TRAUMATIZING YOURSELF? CPTSD AND SELF DEFEATING BEHAVIORS

[@ArtisticMysticSoul]

Thank you for explaining these things. I started crying when you said it's not our fault. I have tried my whole life to "fix" my mom and make her happy. I could never understand what was wrong with her. The rages, being told everything was my fault. It was so confusing. She was so controlling I could never get away from her. She even pulled in her friends to tell them how "bad" I was and gang up on me. My life has been a living hell. I have so much anxiety I can barely function. I have few relationships and am alone. She has ruined my life. Despite years of therapy, I still suffer. I believe that EMDR and Brainspotting retraumatized me. My last therapist abandoned me. I have given up on ever getting better. Now I focus on existing.

[@taraarrington2285]

❤

[@user-ur2wd8du4z]

stay strong. you got this now.

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

Have you tried somatic experiencing? Or sensorimotor psychotherapy? Or schema therapy?

[@seahorse251]

I pray you can find some peace. Life is hard. 😢

[@rascallyrabbit]

excellent again. I kept giving expensive gifts and never got a thank you. Now, I give once and if not thanked, I don't give to them again.

[@victorialowry638]

My mom is 80. I am 60. I am an only child. Unfortunately, the pain will probably never go away until one of us dies. My grandma was 100 when she passed, so I have a long time to deal with this. My mom stopped communicating with me 3 years ago when I publicly called her out on her nonsense. It has been hard because I want her to understand what she did to me. She has never taken responsibility for anything.

[@roshanrahealer]

Thank you for your videos! I tend to self-sabotage a lot, which is something I've been healing through therapy and writing. Only one point stood out as something that doesn't retraumatize me, though I can see why it could. As an empath, I absorbed all the hatred (bullies, mom, and brothers) and sexual abused put on me (outside the family) and started people-pleasing, giving up every part of me, even my innocence, hoping that someone would see the real me and love me. After Daddy died, I felt I had no one like that in my life. I hated myself. I wanted to die. I write about my traumas in a dark fantasy series and poetry, which has helped me learn what I like and don't like in life. Getting the flashbacks and nightmares out of my head and into an adventure where I have plenty of people to help me defeat the antagonists has helped me gain power over myself and my sexuality. Now, I like myself and even love myself at times. I'm with a man who heals with me instead of putting his traumas on me. I have a partner, friends, a self-publishing business that hasn't made money back yet, but I've gained confidence in the process. Believing the lie that we are born bad held me back. Now, I'm on the runway with my engines running. Soon, I'll fly and shine in the sun.

[@schannaish]

Incredibly eye-opening video. I still do all of these things, and even though I rationally know I’m retraumatising myself , I feel stuck in the cycle and helpless to change things. Childhood trauma really messes people up :(

[@paulamays9909]

Thank you for sharing! This is essentially why I had to stop listening to the music that validated me as a traumatized adolescent. I'm an adult and mom now and I realized I was limiting myself by listening to depressing yet validating music.

[@DrKimSage]

Such an important idea - thank you for sharing. You are right, music can be such an incredible way to connect to ourselves and our emotions, but can also keep us in that wounded space of memory and feeling. I hadn't thought of that, but truly appreciate you sharing this!🙏🏻💕

[@wellingtonsboots4074]

Just found your channel. This video was very helpful. This year has been really hard and now I know it's because of self sabotaging and re traumatizing myself

[@marianar3367]

My mother left me in the care of my grandparents at 3 after my father died. Most of my life I felt guilt around her pain and grief as well as unresolved childhood traumas. The understanding helped me cope but it never got rid of the anger and resentment. Now 30 years later I'm coming to terms that she was responsible for her choices and getting/accepting help, not me. We have a decent relationship so working on crossing the line from guilt to empathy has been..complex since I often times feel like I'm rehashing the past hy even bringing it up or thinking about it. None the less it feels necessary to somehow release the lingering resentment (She is still in the same relationship with her narcissistic, emotionally abusive bf that she left with), practice acceptance and work towards 'reparenting' myself. Thank you for your videos!

[@Sunnyday069]

This is great. Practical application of next steps. I realize I am doing this, greatly. On one hand, I’m actually excited to realize what went wrong in my childhood, but on the other hand I am retraumatizing myself with living in those memories. I struggle though, as I have not been able to confront my parent. Although I really know in my heart it would not be received and validated the way I need. She blames my anger for our lack of relationship when there was never one to begin with, as she is not able to have healthy relationships with anyone. Thanks for this and all these videos. These are changing me as a person. ❤️

[@brittanyismebb]

Thank you Kim! I finally did end up having to completely cut off my BPD? (She won’t get diagnosed) mother. And my narcissistic sister as well. No matter what boundaries I put in place, they crossed them with vigor, burned bridges and danced on the ashes! Now for the real work. I’m the mother of 5 children ages 3-13. We are in a pandemic, the kids are distance learning and I never have a minute. (Literally, I time it) I feel like I am re-traumatized by the hour, just dealing with chaos and being haunted by the abuse. I feel like I mirror that abuse and I panic even more not wanting to do the same damage to my kids. I want to work on healing but it is so difficult coming to terms with everything when I’m caught in the never-ceasing flow of being mom, especially when I NEED MINE! I try to use the time when I wake up early, when I work out to come to terms with the past, and overcome it all. Do you have videos of what that internal process looks/sounds like? What sort of things I can do or think to work through the grief and move forward and change those patterns?

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you for sharing, and I so understand how being a mom to so many makes self care and time alone almost impossible! I am working on some resources to share soon! To be honest, your question is a huge one, because the healing process with a challenging parent, is so deeply complicated, just like the relationship. Reparenting, books on healing your inner child and on CPTSD, journaling, guided imagery, therapy...I am going to try a new type of video that has a journaling component this next week - specifically around the loss of the fantasy and the grief, if that is something that you find helpful, will you please let me know? Please take good care today!💕💕

[@Alphacentauri819]

My heart goes out to you. I don't have 5 children, but I do have a child that has special needs due to health dynamics. I spend 4-5 hours on just the prep/cooking for his food. Very, very restricted diet. On top of all the other aspects, I usually only eat once a day...and go days without showering. I have an adult child, who at the beginning of the pandemic...had some serious issues, and my grandson too. Although they don't live with me, I was trying to help from afar. I was overwhelmed. I don't have much support and haven't had a day off since March 2020. I hear you. I wanted to give you some hope though. Although I have much healing yet to do...the main thing that has helped, is calming my nervous system. Becoming aware of what activates it, and what calms it has been huge. Incorporating things that encourage calm, and minimizing things that activate it. I mostly stay off social media, except KZbin. Time is a factor, but also it is mostly negative for my nervous system. I have strong boundaries around who I interact with, for how long. Also, really becoming mindful to my own narratives, cognitive distortions about what "should " be...has helped me relax a lot. I love Eckhart Tolle & listen to him while doing chores. One powerful example he shares is if we get a flat tire, and instead of accepting it and using our energy to do what is needed...we get pulled into fighting something we can't change. We expend energy being mad at the flat, and all the thoughts that are fighting reality. Not only is it futile, but it increases our own unhappiness & takes away resources that can be used for solving the problem. I think of that in so many areas. I've learned to take a deep breath and move on, so much easier. Yoga, writing when I can...OH, and my ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) journal, have helped a lot. What I love about that journal (it was written by psychologists) is that it takes maybe 5-10 min. It's so good. I also have a good therapist. I take an hour a week (even if it really pushes me for time, that day) because I feel it's vital...almost like a blood transfusion! I need that for me, so I can show up more intentionally, balanced, aware, for myself and others. I hear so much overwhelm in your comment. I hope that you can take a moment to tune into yourself, hold that space, breathe, and move forward. Allowing grace and compassion all the way too. I'm sending you light and love 💛💫

[@user-ur2wd8du4z]

Doctor Kim for you

[@stefanmilanovic85]

Thank you Dr. Sage for these videos, they are a salvation for me. I feel better when I listen to you, because I sense you are a good person. I must learn how to let my anger and hate go away, I can't live with it anymore. I grew up in a family with narcissistic and borderline mother and grandmother, and only recently have I understood that I grew up among deranged persons. In you, I feel the femininity that I miss in my life, caring and understanding. Thank you again Dr Sage.

[@SPSHSP]

Thank you! I have no idea why your videos didn’t come up sooner on my algorithm because I’ve been watching a lot of videos with the same teams for two years now, but none of them have been so well put together. There’s so much information but so concisely presented. I’m just wondering where have you been all this time?! Your style of teaching your audience information about various disorders is what I find to be salient among the mental health, KZbinrs. I also find your videos to be filling in the gap of what information I seek from my therapist. I feel like majority of my time with my therapist is me speaking along with her very well constructed analysis. But they’re not sessions in which she is teaching me what I can do or to expect in the construct of what I have. She, too, isn’t a fan of labels but I absolutely loved how you put it in your CPTSD versus BPD video of wild not a fan of labels, did you serve a purpose in choosing the correct course of treatment. I can’t deny that of all the my KZbinrs, I consider watching yours to be kind of a treat. Do you have a very calm and placid demeanor, very welcoming and warm and caring, and the videos are not excessively long, and really broken down into a way that preserves the academic nature, while presenting it in a very Layman manner. I’m so grateful for all the time and energy spent in constructing these videos. By far you and Dr sia are my two favorite and I am always hoping that both of you will have a wide viewer base as it’s much needed for many! ❤

[@DrKimSage]

❤️Hi all:). As part of this week's series on cptsd and childhood trauma, toxic parenting, etc.- I wanted to share what I see as the most common ways we can often subconsciously re-traumatize ourselves. I believe we do this because our parenting relationships (whether they are still alive or not, we are still speaking to them or not...) are so deeply complicated, and sometimes we just can't see what we are doing and how it hurts us. Please take good care and stay safe!

[@chubbyhippy]

I have so much gratitude for you and your channel.

[@barbarareyes3579]

Thank you

[@sarahcouture24]

That last one about still being a hurt child in your adult life and thus not becoming empowered to build the type of life you want in the present because of all the emotional turmoil really hit home for me. In fact, every single one you mentioned was super relevant to me. It’s hard when you want to have this childish wish come true for a happy family outcome where everyone finally gets along and learns from their mistakes and decides to change, or when you notice some small improvement in their behavior towards you, so then you trick yourself into believing it could actually be a possibility, and so you get your hopes up only to get burned time and time again. At what point will I quit with the pathological optimism? Lol when will I finally set and keep a boundary without feeling so guilty that I go back on my self protective distancing measures? When will I realize that my parents issues are not my cross to bear? but you’re right Kim, I see how allowing myself to be repeatedly disappointed and hurt by my parents with these unrealistic expectations, I am staying stuck because I’m only retraumatizing myself. By doing this, I really am rendering myself unable to move forward in my life. I’m too mentally and emotionally consumed with dealing with the drama and dysfunction in these relationships to have much energy leftover for more important endeavors. Thanks for the great video 💜 You always have such relatable and intelligent things to say that help me.

[@DrKimSage]

Optimism is a beautiful thing, sometimes it can be the healthy part of our inner child, leading us toward the light, we just need to protect ourselves in terms of which direction the light is leading us toward💕- thank you so much for sharing💕💕🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@to6030]

Wow! Just came across your video and it opened my perception so much. I hope one day I feel secure enough to share. My anxiety has gotten so bad I am a shut in that works from home. My profile picture was from a yr ago and I’ve changed so much since then. 😢

[@katieg7679]

I needed this video today. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@Chakrada1]

Thank you for this detailed breakdown, and encouragement to face cyclic behaviour. I struggle with this a lot - when I'm on look-out (as I call my hypervigilance) it's so hard to stop watching the horizon and do something less trauma-focused because, obviously, something might start happening the moment you look away. Once one is into something and you hit flow it's all out of mind. But getting from threat-sensing back to the moment is hard enough with others and almost impossible on one's own - I am an Olympic procrastinator, but in a way procrastination doesn't quite describe it; it's something a bit like not being able to take your eyes off a predator. Having a partner is the easiest way for me to get going on challenging things. Otherwise, I have one or two things that feel like a safe place (as I'm a musician, practice is one of them) that I'm sort of willing to go instead of scanning for...small signs of some enormous shadow. I'm out of contact with all FOO, so I don't still have those repetitive conflicts - I just spend half my life watching out for them...and obsessing about public figures who get away with similar kinds of behaviour.

[@pinkyredux4965]

Thank you for sharing. I feel very similarly.

[@miuthub7954]

Totally stuck in the cycle. Yup it doesn't change a thing

[@Victoria-uq8mf]

I love watching and listening to your videos but can't wait until I never have to see you again. Respectfully. ♡

[@mendingmandy869]

Thank you. I want more tough love. I feel after years a compulsion to talk about all the pain. I am starting EMDR soon and hope that this will help me get unstuck.

[@lara-vg2od]

Your videos are extremely high quality and informative!! I can't wait to see your channel grow even more!! :)

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you so much for watching and sharing this! So kind!🙏🏻💕💕

[@nmg6248]

Dr. Kim excellent video first of all! Could you add the time and brief sentence of the 9 topics to the description? It would be nice to be able to revisit specific topics as needed. I feel traumatized just watching this video lol. It made me see areas I’ve been doing these behaviors and trauma I really haven’t addressed. The analogy of this pain being a little bird on your shoulder was so fitting. Thanks for the straight talk and tough love🙏🏽

[@JaffaCakes-c7d]

I'm still stuck at home with my child like mother. The same family problems fall on my head with no escape. I'm so tired and defeated with this life.

[@andrewjameslochrie]

Incredibly helpful yet again. Thank you :)

[@jazz_honey]

thank so much, I have great difficultly coming to terms, I appreciate this 🙏🙏🙏

[@ruqshaankamish7893]

Thank you❤ so much. This has helped me ❤

[@bangeru1]

Some parents actually don't feel bad...at all.

[@DrKimSage]

Very true:(. I am so sorry if you have a parent or parents that can't own their wounding.

[@leeboriack8054]

My mom was BDP and dad was a narcissist and alcoholic. We never went a day without chaos, drama and trauma. I left home with little or no guilt. I regret are it wasn’t a different story.

[@christipage5874]

Wow 🥰 what a great video!!

[@dotsyjmaher]

My mother was a spoiled brat.... She CHOSE TO ABUSE AND NEGLECT AND I WAS HER FAVORITE SCAPEGOAT...

[@JillStJohn-qj8gs]

Thank you ❤️‍🩹

[@BreatheWithDinoo]

This is an invaluable video- thank you 🙏🏼

[@debbiemckenna5]

I am 52yrs old and started therapy in my 20s. I thought I did the work but I guess I didn’t because the past still haunts me. I had an alcoholic mother and a Narc dad. I was neglected and emotionally and verbally abused. I was able to stop some things such as I think I am a Great mother. I just did the total opposite that was done to me. I am Very critical of myself and my self esteem is low. I suffer with PTSD, depression anxiety and ADD. I don’t do the work because I can’t focus and get so distracted. I am not trying to make excuses but I am mad at myself every day for not doing the things that would help me on a consistent bases. I am only sabotaging myself and I can’t stand it. Please help.

[@anitasinha7209]

Very helpful.Thanks.

[@lionheart4062]

Regarding point 2, it's ok and important to tell the story but you shouldn't get stuck there. Instead what is needed is to process the stuck energy and complete the cycle of release.

[@DrKimSage]

totally agree!! thank you💕🙏🏻

[@kathleenhabura2377]

What do you do when your son is doing this to me and manipulating me not understanding of my past BPD and now realize I have CPTSD! I am in therapy and was off and on since age 17. I am 65 now and understanding why I was the way I was. I want my son to understand! He cuts me down constantly and retramatizing me! I was suicidal in the past but over that. But my past ruined my relationship with my son. 😢 I pray you do a video for children of a single mom that recognizes her BPD and CPTSD that affected my children! I have apologized and begged forgiveness but my youngest uses it as a weapon to constantly tell me how I am not there for him and will not let me see my grandchildren. I enabled him all his life for fear he would yell at me or leave to the point he only called me when he needs something. I would give him money, housing, cars, bail him out every time until I started setting boundaries. Now he hates me. What do I do now?????? 😢

[@craigo3849]

Question for Dr Reich: If MiddleIncome Savers and Elderly reply upon earning interest on their money, why lobby to lower (Savings) rates? Why not Lobby for Banks to lower their Credit Card rates from 20% to to Single Digits? Why is it that The elderly and fixed income savers must subsidize Banks? Why is it that The FED must stop at 5% and lower rates, while Banks gouge customers at 17%-29.9%? I don't hear Dr Reich and others suggesting that 20% interest rates for Groceries is usurious; they argue that 5% rates for BANKS is punitive and usurious

[@dubliner1303]

Life has only ever been tough love

[@lianasteijns1847]

😢i still suffer....im an adult ...and stil suffering...it broke me ....and still i dont haven an ID....im over 50....and feel stil like a child...😢😢

[@pathstoawakening]

Great video !!!

[@imridingwithstoopidohwaiti3948]

F setting boundaries estrange them.. Mine is a special kind of evil.

[@Feminazi1dc]

i recently discovered im on the autism spectrum "high functioning" and im pretty sure i have just about every mental illness under the sun. A horrible family didnt help & i never had support bc we never knew. im half happy bc maybe if i was supported i wouldnt have turned out as smart and cool as i did LMAO but still. def isnt worth the issues. i cant even go to the fair without coming home and crying

[@mariopuzo4509]

Wow...who knew catastropyizing had a medical definition

[@Victoria-uq8mf]

((Hugs))

[@nancybartley4610]

Why the reluctance to blame someone for what they did or didn't do? Why is blame so avoided? Shame I refuse to do. I have no desire to see anyone punished. It simply is about placing responsibility where it belongs. Otherwise, where is it placed? On the victim? That only continues the abuse. I feel awful that my parents had horrible childhoods, so awful that they were too damaged to provide an environment that allowed me to be free of damage. I have spend my life feeling guilt for my parents' miserable beginnings. I don't blame them for what happened to them. I do blame them for not recognizing that shouldn't have had kids.

[@rileyb1nonly]

Thank you so much

[@juliesmith4539]

Hi I can't help going back to the memories every time I close my eyes it's like my brain is hell bent on trying to remember more in case there's something that will make me remember parts to other broken memories I only have bits of how do you stop this I try to keep busy and just push it down the same as I did as a kid I don't know what is triggering me

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Kim, my parents don't feel bad at all. That's an entirely different level. They are abd were sadistic and consciously abusive 🤷‍♀️ It took forever for ne to believe this and to REALLY awaken and come out of denial. 😓💔🤯

[@dotsyjmaher]

Thank GOD I finally walked away from ALL of them 30 years ago... I lost my inheritance by the siblings theft..but at least I did not have to spend any more time watching their psychosh*tshow

[@reneem239]

What about because my dad beat the crap out of my mom for 12 yrs of my life

[@entrotlek]

If they are the way they are due to their own trauma backgrounds, shouldn't we try to help them in someway because they technically are limited mentally? I know them having pds don't excuse their bad behaviors but if they're that way due to a pd isn't that kind of a disability?

[@DrKimSage]

Yes and they do deserve help and support and treatment! More mental health support everywhere -would be so impactful❤️

[@richard-en2dx]

💋🍵🍦

[@dubliner1303]

Creep