The Glaring Insecurity Of Controlling People

Controlling people like to think of themselves as confident, together individuals. But Dr. Les Carter poses the question: If they are so secure, why do they feel such a need to control others? Controllers are fear based. As you see the obvious insecurity driving their overbearing ways, you will be less inclined to succumb to their manipulations.
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[@qineonmorame]

Controlling people tend to be very miserable and confused aside from all the fake bravado.

[@aveclasse17]

well said

[@clich126]

Hope so.

[@teresacotton7923]

My sisters and I went through the same childhood traumas that I did, yet they are highly Narcissistic while I am the more empathetic one. It took me many years to realize that their behavior towards me wasn't OK just because they were family. I finally put down boundaries and was met with rage and hatred and anger. NO CONTACT, with any toxic person is best even if they are family.

[@realhealing7802]

Amen to that! I have a family full of narcissists. No contact was my only option.

[@ladyvirgo9514]

I relate 100%

[@pameladeleone135]

I feel that my brother has been very controlling and trying to make me the person he thinks I should be, and he has involved the whole extended family in trying to change me. Anytime I disagreed with him or not, he would yell and call me names. He has put me down for having a service dog. Called me horrible names when I was crying because someone I knew was putting their mother in a nursing home. She wanted to live with me. He has seen me psychotic several times and he acts like there is nothing wrong with me. They were all trying to push me to religion and everything about that made me more sick. I had to go NO CONTACT with all of them. They were trying to make me one of them. I am not one of them. I don't believe the same way they do. I have become very suicidal at times because of their pushing religion on me. I miss my service dog. She was the only one I could trust. I only want control of my own life. I have taken care of myself all my life. They need to leave me alone. I agree with you , they have been TOXIC! And I am the sick one.

[@christinalw19]

You are the strong, spiritual one. 🙏🏼

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

No contact ESPECIALLY if they're blood kin. Family is earned and maintained. (How else can we honestly frame the indifference of blood kin towards abuse?) And genetics is not license for malignance and abuse. Ime, healthy boundaries aren't merely part of the deal, they're the part that safeguards the healthy interaction we all need.

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

Every narc's motto: "It's my way or the highway".

[@almondmilksoda]

Take the highway and GTFO of there!

[@PrincessCashmonie]

I hate when people try to control me. I am an adult woman. I trust my own decisions and methods of thinking. They don’t trust themselves therefore everything a person does is wrong or they are stupid.

[@christineplaton3048]

My controller ruined my life. I draw the line now and don't think I will ever tolerate it again. I walked on eggshells around him. Never again.

[@emmanuelcooke]

I had 3 people like this in my life until I started to put my foot down. A lot of these controlling people are deeply insecure and don’t have their life in order and in order to feel somewhat adequate, they control the lives of others just to feel like they have something tangible.

[@PinkYellowGreen2023]

People who want control others are insecure. This is a BIG FACT..

[@LindaGreen-ox7es]

THIS!

[@themetalhead1463]

Unsolicited advice and getting angry when I politely reject it. Offering help but then when I decline, she forces it on me and act and makes me out to be the bad guy when I say no. Know it all person with no respect for my boundaries but demands that I respect her boundaries. Arrogance and overbearing sum it up. Constant criticism over petty crap with nearly everyone. Go with the flow people like me draw these misery inducing creatures.

[@Notme811_you]

Yeah. This is exactly right.

[@aveclasse17]

me too!

[@lillyofthevalley208]

You be who you want to be. Don't let evil people steal that from you. They hate indidualality! Narcs are pathetic and ridiculous!

[@openaudio4432]

Period.

[@tommyparkerparker]

That’s why I moved away and cut ties to family. Since then much at some peace. I’m 58 years old. I don’t have any room for drama at this point in my life.

[@stacybrown6546]

My sister and I are still working through childhood trauma so when you got to the explanation about pre-adolescent thinking, I realized this is one of the characteristics of getting stuck in childhood trauma and never really growing up. I appreciate your work so much. I can’t afford to get treatment so your KZbin work is such a mercy. Thank you!

[@joseenoel8093]

My older bro and I worked through past traumas also, it was an eye opener what the other was going through as he's 5 yrs older and there was a check of alot of other abuses going on. He was mom's flying monkey which has kept me from completely letting my guard down, that's come in handy!

[@stacybrown6546]

@@joseenoel8093 Much love to you Josee! Sounds like you’ve made good progress. Congratulation! It isn’t easy. 🌻❤️

[@FullyYoked]

Look up narcism, that helped me a lot

[@olgakim4848]

In the case of my narcissistic sister, it's infantile-thinking.

[@marykoch1611]

Going through the same thing wiith My Sister, but have learned healthy boundaries with her and others who are controlling! Much Love and Light ♥♥

[@Ruth-vy1qj]

I hate control freaks they need to get emotionally healed it's their job to get healed from whatever triggers that. The more insecure someone is the more controlling a person is.

[@chinookvalley]

People who abuse animals use this as a Control tactic. They are sick and they get-off on the power. The more they are confronted, the harder they fight, and the more the animal is abused. They need to be in jail, or better yet, treated like the animals they abuse. The world is full of these freaks. "Insecurity in action."

[@alo6125]

If you're seeing animal abuse, call an animal abuse hot line ASAP.

[@shebakali6]

I hope you are a vegan then. Pets aren’t the only animals that deserve respect. Pigs are just as intelligent and affectionate as dogs. Factory farmed animals for our consumption are abused.

[@francesbernard2445]

Thanks for pointing that out. There is a big difference between confronting someone and trying to control someone. Not all that easy to remove yourself from because often the controlling person is acting in a hierarchy of controlling persons only because they can. And so the gaslighting is so hard to prove and so hard to describe unless you to some degree get temporary almost as controlling as they are like starting to record every conversation you have with them.

[@nunyabizness573]

I agree. Right now I am having a painful struggle with my room mate who's idea of "animal control" is letting a kitten outside all night in a very dangerous rural area. We just lost that kitten's sibling two weeks ago to this b.s. and she still thinks it's not a problem to fail to protect the remaining kitten by keeping it in at night. Its a problem to me! I have to sneak outside late every night to call the kitten inside and keep it in my room. Last night the kitten started meowing at 4 am and she gets up storming the house, opening up my bedroom door, and for what reason? To let the kitten outside. I have lost all respect for her. I am really hurting over the failure to protect that first kitten, and this remaining one, and her refusal to allow me to do it. But apparently my feelings mean sh1t over her need to feel like she is in control.I really want to move. The animals will get very poor treatment when I leave. She will force her dog to go all day without food and I have to sneak food to the dog. I'm so tired of "sneaking" just to make sure the pets have decent care. We have blue Jays that are feeding their babies right now and they love cat food (dry) so I put a little bit on the deck railing because that's where they come to get it. So today she bitched about that, the ONLY logic being that she is a neglectful, slovenly person and I am not, but it's HER house, therefore SHE is in "control." But she's not in control at all and it's obvious. ETA She just came outside and gave the blue Jays some peanuts. I guess she knows I'm mad enough to start looking for a new place.

[@olafweyer859]

Doesn't need to go as far as abuse. The sheer control over animal can be enough. Teach it tricks, make it behave, program it. That in itself is power and gives such people a rush. It's a question of motive.

[@lucypalsgrove9210]

I must be a magnet for narcissist people. I did not understand why some people were so critical of me and insulted me so much. I did not understand any of it until I married one. My eyes are wide open now . Too much controlling what I did, what I wore , etc and the insults that I was stupid and not able to do anything right. I am free after, only one year. I am an independent person, and did not have to be validated by anyone. God was with me and I am free now, after a lot of verbal and physical abuse.

[@Bcjsjhfurhs]

Dear Lucy, There are many good people out there who need your amazing kind nature.

[@mattjbirtell]

Congratulations! It’s like having a second life or being reborn. 😊

[@PeggyMcCutcheon]

Good for you. In my situation God is helping me too.

[@mr.k5881]

Self control is the best we can do!

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

It seems as though when an entire family acts this way, everything their way or you are an outcast, they never grow out of it. Even after I grew up and left home they continued to treat me as though I was still a child. Nothing had changed in 50 years after I was married and gone from them. Any interaction from the time I left home until now has always been the same. I do not think the way they do nor do I want to be filled with silly drama over nothing important.

[@marykoch1611]

I can relate-but I have learned to not care what they think or let them control me anymore!!! Its a process, but developing healthy boundaries and surrounding yourself with people who uplift and support you is very important! ♥♥

[@bengoodwin559]

It's silly, isn't it?

[@martinmargerrison2300]

Narcissists are fickle people with short term objectives to enhance their fragile egos. The world lost the antithesis of this today. RIP Charlie Watts.

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks, Martin, and I'm with you about Charlie Watts. Dr. C

[@George_panagiotis]

I worked with a new guy who was an absolute control freak. One of the first encounters with him was downright bizarre. I was eating a granola bar in his presence and he asked me what I was snacking on. I told him, and he asked me if he could see the wrapper. He scanned it and quickly proclaimed, "I wouldn't eat that. It's got WAY too much sugar. I read a book and it told me that sugar is bad." Dude was severely overweight and felt the need to devalue my choice if snack to feel superior. WTF. A few weeks later, this colleague roped me into a full-blown argument about how I should use my phone and what was best for me. When I finally got a word in and explained that I was able to take care of the phone situation myself, he huffed, "Fine. I know when a woman has made up her mind." I shouldn't have, but I lost my cool. I was never anything but respectful to that man and it took a long time to sort through his strange behavior. His personal shortcomings made him insecure and it manifested as a need to control someone else's behavior. It all makes sense now. Side note: I once followed him after a shift and found that he'd eaten at least a dozen of the candies I brought in. The evidence was right there in the garbage can.🤣 I've since moved on to bigger and better things. I often wonder how that fella is doing. Considering his infinite wisdom, I'm sure he's very happy and successful. 😊

[@davidp2888]

My father was very controlling and although I tried to set boundaries on both my parents they never honored them. He’s since passed and my mother is in failing health, and it’s only in the last year I’ve learned to set and enforce boundaries with her. It’s never too late to start the healing process.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad rarely honors mine(so few of them) only when it suits him. Pathetic!

[@notremembering]

I have a relative who can’t give up total control…no longer able to care for herself and can’t get in and out of shower, can’t prepare food and is immobile without a walker ….the control causes her to refuse all help …..no shower…refuses visiting nurses help. Refuses meds…refuses everything unless she orders it. Sadly she will outlive all caregivers and helpers!!! Thanks so much for your video, I always try to focus on fact that control issues have to do with insecurity….its difficult to remember this when someone is irrational.

[@tommyparkerparker]

I’m disabled and my oldest sister goes into these unwarranted tangents that I don’t understand. It’s gotten to a point of little or no contact.

[@diane2413]

It becomes really disconcerting when you realize how deep these people want to go into that controlling nature. Sometimes they have even convinced themselves and try to convince you it’s for you’re own good. Another thing I have noticed is that they might notice one area of their thinking is not good but then they want to control whether you believe they are capable of changing. I recently told my husband we are going to need to end the relationship and he is spending the remaining time trying to prove he is capable of change but in the process he’s actually showing me other ways of arrogance and insecurity and control and need for superiority. He’s really just solidifying my choice to get him to leave.

[@janettemartin4604]

PLEASE be VERY CAREFUL!

[@diane2413]

@@janettemartin4604 I will but I think he is too busy feeling sorry for himself to be a threat. He claims he will agree to an uncontested divorce and thinks he can change and get me back later on.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

@mountain blue She sounds like such a difficult person, and worse, an appallingly poor mother/nurturer. I hope you have found or find a way to heal your wounded inner child from having such a parent. ☮️

[@nancymurphy6483]

I once said to my therapist, “I don’t understand it. The meaner I am to M, the nicer he is to me.” She said, “Of course because he knows he’s gone too far, and he has to get back in your good graces.” “But Dr. B, that’s diabolical!” “Yes, Nancy, it is.” A good therapist is very helpful when you are going through the divorce process. I was a divorce lawyer, so I understood the legal aspects of it, but the emotional side was where I needed help. A lot of help. Their behavior can be very baffling, and they will continue to try to gaslight you every chance they get. Hang in there. There’s a lot to be said for being in control of your own life. I lived alone for 2 decades after that. I was never lonely, though. There is nothing so lonely as being in a bad marriage.

[@sheend]

Anyone is free to leave lol

[@michelepascoe6068]

I never recognised my vulnerable, covert narcissistic mother as insecure because I believed her message of my inferiority and her superiority. Makes so much sense!

[@harleyquinn5774]

Same here.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Sounds like my dad!

[@FullyYoked]

Only people out of control on the inside are desperate enough to try to control anything on the outside ✌🏼✌🏼

[@DrLesCarter]

Such a good way to put it. Dr. C

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I agree!

[@Rachel-kg2cw]

I really appreciate this angle on controlling. So many people label the controller as some wicked evil domineering person who just like everything their way. But this feels much more true. Controllers control out of a lack of ability to function and interact with things that differ.

[@machintelligence]

Be reasonable, do it my way.

[@DrLesCarter]

That's how they think. Dr. C

[@joseenoel8093]

Oh my, "Glaring" how evil that sounds.... Ouuuuu, malignant mom's mad at me for some reason and there's gonna be Hell to pay, rat's ass, survived it all before and guess which one of us is collapsing, not me never having to aspire to be anything but being myself!

[@cathybutcher4826]

Isn't it great when you get to the point that you couldn't care less about the narcissist's reaction to anything. Go ahead. Yell and scream, throw things, It doesn't intimidate me anymore. How selfish to think that everyone is supposed to live their life around your moods and temper. Done with that in my life.

[@caterjunes3426]

This is so validating. My husband and I both had super-controlling mothers, and had to figure out on our own how to set boundaries, but it's heartening to learn that we were on the right track. Your videos have helped me so much to make sense of a lifetime of confusing, senseless behavior, which continues to resonate even though the perpetrators are both long gone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@abbykendrick5748]

I grew up with a mother exactly like this.

[@leonap4814]

Still learning all I can no comments!

[@jodycasey4541]

This is set to air at exactly the same time Surviving Narcissism comes on with a new one, so one is gonna have to wait. Both great .

[@sharinielsen7985]

Thank you Dr. Carter for articulating the kind of person I want to be, and not only the kind of person I don't want to be. Bless you

[@reneecampos1261]

The timing of this is right on. My morning experience with an insecure narcissist. I get the demeaning put downs along with manipulation and punishment.

[@krisztina442]

I know I'm going to learn a lot from this video! Their 'confidence' is truly misleading, they can easily make us believe that the one and only right way is their way. I wonder why they are able to make that impression...

[@sage9836]

Yeah, their confidence is amazing. I find it enviable because I could tell the truth -with supporting evidence, no less - and people would doubt me and totally believe these jokers.

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@sage9836 Yes. That is the nightmare. He is so nice to everyone else. 😩

[@joseenoel8093]

They are acting!

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@joseenoel8093 yes, they are acting. All part of the gaslighting.

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@sage9836 Sage: Yes, it feels that way. However, as the narcissist gets older, I believe wise people see through them, at least a little. Recently, I emotionally detached from the narcissist, and I started observing people who interact with him. I have decided that all of them do not believe his games. For me, this took a lot of observing. Sooner or later , the narcissist will show some of their bad side to people. The narcissist had me believing he had all the power over his public side, but after observing , I could see that he doesn’t. I believe wise people see through them. They may not see the abuse that I see, but they seem to know something is a little off or weird in their behavior. I decided to be me at home and in public.

[@rainy.d7404]

I told my control freak that my opinions matter and that they need to value other people not just themselves. They ghosted me and never spoke to me again. I thought they felt they had won somehow but now I feel i am the winner cos what i said bothered them enough for it to be confronting. I pray they dont keep treating people like they are beneath them but i wont hold my breath cos they get off on their position of power.

[@George_panagiotis]

They'll tell themselves that you just can't handle the truth, and that's why you resisted them. They're THAT delusional.

[@PrincessCashmonie]

That person did you a huge favor!

[@irismartens4244]

Thanks for sharing this topic with us. Very interesting topic. Yes, a lot of us are having to face these issues in our lives.

[@janettemartin4604]

WELL all of the "Controlling People" IN MY LIFE have HUGE amounts of PEOPLE at their disposal and I and the one ALLLOOOOOOOOONE!

[@thegodblogger3812]

Some folks, preferring not to be bothered with the hard work and responsibility, willingly hand control over to folks willing to take it, but then take offense when control is not returned to them. Be careful what you hand over; you may not readily get it back.

[@patrickhurley7029]

Control their way up to getting sued

[@janetcaruana8525]

We disengaged permanently from a narcissistic friend at the beginning of the pandemic. What Dr. Carter says makes perfect sense, yet this narc's controlling behavior has caused him to lose close to 20 friends in the last few years. He will end up being a lonely old man (along with his "little soldier" girlfriend (as we call her) and no one else. And if she ever wizens up, he'll be completely alone. He picks fights with restaurant staff, parking attendants, you name it!

[@clint1285]

Lol😂

[@alexbaird2670]

This has been happening to me with my work "mentor". It is my belief that she is responsible for getting rid of me/managed out of the company.

[@joseenoel8093]

Remember you are seen as a threat to them.... I've had this happen too, it makes no sense that management who hired you because you were the best around is then on board for getting rid of you!

[@brynnleapierce5600]

I know this is a poor example & one of many I could list, but when the Narc I rides with me (my car) he had to control every stop, turn & direction of a trip‼️ Mind you I have a pristine driving history, in also 65 & he is 55 years old! It temps me to take him back home or dump him on the side of the road.

[@astrialindah2773]

Tell him you're going to put a blindfold on him if he doesn't quit backseat driving... ;-)

[@patriciamalone3553]

I notice controllers are also back seat drivers. Like sit back and enjoy the ride, will ya?

[@loriculbertson9442]

I've experienced that when driving and the narc is with me. He has to try and exert control over which way I go, where I park, etc..

[@shari247peace]

Do it! Unless his name is Google Maps!

[@NanaWilson-px9ij]

I never get in a car with a narcissist.

[@lindaeasley5606]

I have an older sister who has always tried to control me. I made the mistake of letting her handle my finances when I was going through a difficult period and she took it to the extreme. One day she called me up and demanded to know every single thing I had bought that day ,how much was in my account and how much I had on me. It was a humiliating experience. I finally told her I was done and to give me back all the money I contributed to her husband's savings account. Now we are not on speaking terms and I'm happier

[@clint1285]

Amen

[@marcellamiller7808]

Good for you 👏🏽🙂

[@annking8633]

What a wonderful Tuesday surprise!!!! Love listening while I work. Always listen twice!!

[@izawaniek2568]

I love every word in your message dr Carter. If you have a sense of security and peace and respect for other people’s uniqueness and freedom, you do not try to control them but invite dialogue which leads to mutual growth in many dimmensions. Thank you for your wise and inspiring outlook on life dr Carter.

[@StarAmbience42]

Brilliant insights. Dealing with being bullied at work. This helps so much.

[@dwonnecogswell5209]

Thank you for bringing out what is going on below the surface. Those covert messages, received from non-respectful and the respectful interactions, are sometimes dismissed in the relating of specific frames of interaction but the repeatedness of those tones stack up and give ever clearer messages. Intimidated by people who think for themselves (they feel powerless), they tend to throw them under the bus while rewarding those who conform -- conform or be ridiculed (for your own good, of course, to get you to come over and conform to Me/Right/Us). Rather than serving those under them, they end up using others to serve them (claiming otherwise because their way is the right way so that has to be good for them.) Thank you, Dr. C., so much useful information.

[@fuzzylogics139]

That's exactly what I was thinking. How sad sometimes people have no ability to be curious to why another person makes different choices. And less and less people probably they get close to will feel it's safe to even be open and share their inner most thoughts and believes with them once they have enough experience with them to have seen the pattern. These people can't listen. LISTEN. In my experience it's unsafe to be open with people that are wired like that. Lack boundaries, lack the polite distance of observing, but instead need to go digging in, to sometimes literally pick someone apart.

[@joannajohnson696]

When we are talking about control of "other people" I agree Dr. Carter, narcissists want poisonous control. I believe people should have the freedom to make their own choices. The bottom line is if they make the wrong choices, they have to live with the consequences for their own choices. So many times the narc has tried to take my freedom of choice thru control. I choose to be on "Team healthy!" I like to be in control of my finances, budget, planning my future.

[@DrLesCarter]

I'm with you, Johanna. Dr. C

[@franklin5000]

Great insights and spot on! My takeaway from this is that we just walk away and avoid controlling people.

[@antoinette4995]

Yes the best thing to do is avoid them as much as you can. Remove their access to you. My brother and sister are both extremely controlling and violent people. Unfortunately I share a home with them at this time, but I will distance myself from them soon. I was taught that because they're family that made their actions acceptable, but now as an adult I realize how wrong that is. At times I feel guilt around wanting to distance myself. However their friendliness and/or acts of kindness are usually not long after abusive tendencies, only to repeat later. So I know that in reality leaving is the right thing.

[@choosepeacetoday]

Makes perfect sense Dr. C. I will remember that the next time the chaos shows up again. It is really sad how disturbed they are. Wish I could help him, but I don’t have the power to do that. Thank you again 😊

[@joseenoel8093]

Mine always complicates things, that must prove his need to think he must have total control over situations, problems which never were and sticking his nose where it doesn't belong(our adult children's lives)! My take on things seemed to somehow be irrelevant but not to me and thank goodness for that, his way, view doesn't even work for him, ha ha!

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@joseenoel8093 Yes. I have to deal with 2 of them. What you said describes one of them. She is always trying to control her adult daughter (me) and at times her adult grandchildren. Dealing with a lot of drama too. She will burst into crying about someone’s personal feelings that she has made up in her mind. In reality, that person never indicated those feelings. In other words, she defines them instead of asking “how do you feel about this?” Sometimes it feels like she is an empath on steroids, who decided it was her job to do everyone’s thinking. It’s crazy. Sounds like yours is controlling too. Stay strong. Blessings on your journey.

[@joseenoel8093]

@@choosepeacetoday hi hon! I'm often here, check in anytime, I'm in Montreal, it's 12:45 here! I got super whacked but wish no malice, malignant mom said yrs back I had power of attorney paper, she lied, I'm next of kin though which is pretty powerful! She's 83 and in a see you never covid came in handy in Nova Scotia, her dementia hidden by her alcoholism! My half cuz sorta in charge, he lived upstairs waiting for house to go for gentrification. I'm executrix, mom dreaming I'd leave my husband (3rd time a charm for her) and taking possession of the house 🏠, no way for this Hosée! Keep your energy for yourself, they're too self absorbed to notice! Your mom will worsen, she'll be a pill! Mine shoved me around Xmas yrs back, haven't seen her since! I ditched many of my toxic family pre-narc wise, I lack bucks not wit nor self esteem! My older overt bro lied he'd gone no contact with our older coke head sis thinking I'd be on board for hearing him complain about what I'll no longer put up with a nd that a very long time ago! You'll have to learn to maneuver your mom, her tears certainly brought the attention/focus back onto her. Narcs rarely like each other, only room for one on center stage! Keep watching and learning, mine was a pro at gaslighting me, he's lived to regret that many a times and over and over again, stay healthy and strong 💪, you're gonna need it! Careful how they shake their crazy onto you, it's exactly what they'll do, some say they regulate their emotions through you, I guess it's true but that also seems too complicated for me to understand, hope you can rest, give them as little as you can get away with, they won't appreciate anything like spoiled children!

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@joseenoel8093 Sounds like you have been there and could write the book. We both just have to stay strong. I have made alot of mistakes in this “faux marriage” but I am feeling better about myself, now that I am aware and over the intense anger that I felt. I am working on improving myself and I am not taking him with me on that journey”. Blessings and prayers 🙏

[@deemaysie6568]

@@choosepeacetoday Sounds like you also have a BPD mother. Mine works herself up into a frenzy about somebody's child she has only met once a very very long time ago who has had some misfortune, but doesn't batter an eyelid when life kicks her scapegoat children in the teeth!

[@jarianjones9551]

Excellent video and I agree with all of your points. The issue is the people who need to see this video won’t watch it and won’t get therapy.

[@preciousmousse]

Wise word, Mr. Les! You are not only a therapist, but a thinker. Respect!

[@PrincessCashmonie]

Dr, Les is super intelligent.

[@smallfootprint2961]

Thanks for all you share.

[@coreyrenik6419]

Third time through this one. Great Timeless Knowledge

[@DrLesCarter]

So pleased it resonates. Dr. C

[@emilysmith3271]

Agree with that statement 100%

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

I've mentioned it before. My school of East West learning as an entry ask the black white grey question. I feel more able now to understand. I believe all learning occurs in relationships. I have great openness to learning from others if I feel safe. And I trust myself to know when I feel dominated. Just came up against my DDS yesterday. He dominates but does respect me. When he began to throw around some of his politics I was able to stand strong and by pure grace I received a single word where we could meet. That felt good. I am focusing on recognizing and trusting myself and thus the world more. Feels very good. Not fully secure but life does have risks. I can live with that. I have faith. I control what I am able and I am accountable and full of gratitude most moments for life even in challenges.

[@saritaw4739]

Dr. Carter: Hats Off! thanks for your very interesting article!

[@debbiecarson6958]

Oh Please Tell Me Do 🕊.......That Glare That Says I Despise You 🌟

[@Jim-zy3lf]

SO So sad to see life Pass. Let Us (We) hope that We caught just a Sprinkle of LOVE They had for People and Bring a Smile to the face of just ONE Person today! Robin my good Man saw All THIS Coming , and here We are thinking about Him 😉 love ya .

[@MrJdcirbo]

I feel thoroughly called out... and i think i needed to hear every word of it. You have my sub, sir. I hope to learn and grow more here. Than you

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us dr Carter❤

[@calicomcgee]

Thank you soooooo much, your videos are to me, a lighthouse in the darkness 🙏

[@DrLesCarter]

So pleased, Charla. Dr. C

[@elliotyudenfriend7481]

“Know thou that the love of thyself is more hurtful to thee than anything in the world.” Thomas A’ Kempis

[@lainaverse]

Thank you for your insight. I stayed with my parents for 6 months at my aunt's house as I was preparing to leave the country and ugh... This is them. Like I knew they were controlling, but it's only now that I'm diving deeper to understand their psychology so I can fully detach.

[@tamarazwinak]

Good explanation of the various reasons behind controlling behavior.

[@geralldus]

This was helpful, thank you.

[@jamiewilliams829]

No one has the right tell 1 what to do when they dont care about them.

[@beautyshines2124]

"Controlling people are insecure or insecure people are controlling."

[@user-xn1bo9rx5m]

very well put. from California. yes

[@jenzengarden]

Always eye openning sir. 🤨

[@kimlarsson7259]

My mom and sister 100% In a way, I feel sorry for them. They never rest and they are never happy. Their eyes are like scanners, checking you up and down. If a detail is wrong, they stare at it. You gotta meet a standard. Their standard. Mom has a long history of commenting on petty details (hygiene clothing the face). Last time I saw her, she asked "Is that your beard?" (I was a bit unshaven). That's enough to get a stress reaction, not shaving for two days. What kind of answer does she expect? "No it's remains of my breakfast, mom.. It's jam and bluberry soup.." She's been like this since dawn of time. Controlling to the point of lunacy. And no she's not senile. Not at all.

[@danielkaiser8971]

It kind of sounds like the secure approach to insecure controllers is for the observers instead of the controllers. I have found that people who are controlling double down. I can't control how they behave, but I can control my reactions. And this is for myself and any outside observers.

[@emilysmith3271]

Exactly I'm still learning cause my reaction to their minds is going to be the factor of the future

[@paulgerkin2851]

Dr. Carter , thank you ! You've made a difference in my life !

[@bluestar.8938]

Thank you Dr C : )

[@Jesusisgod444]

This is extremely informative and well articulated. Thank you sir

[@suziqquzi2527]

Very informative. Thank you

[@susanmunoz7688]

Very helpful, thank you Dr. Carter.

[@marygoodman9530]

Thank you for sharing this video,

[@RY-fe3rt]

Brilliantly explained. Working for a person like this is a nightmare. The only thing that could be worse is being raised by them. Now I finally understand the song by that one guy whose name I forget: 🎶I refuse to change anything about myself for a cringy, ginger parody of a Dutch woman and a coarse, cafeteria Jehovah's Whiteness of a Witness. Let's let sleeping dogs DIE and move on! Can I get an Amen?🎶 I really need to look it up. I think it might have been called, 'After All, Alexander's Father Never Loved Him' but don't quote me on that. 🙏

[@kjkeys6776]

Very awesome video. Good job breaking it all down.

[@joanmencl5890]

Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@shenedadenney8649]

Your videos have given me the knowledge to stand up for myself, thank you for that.

[@stevedavenport1202]

Beautifully well stated, doctor.

[@terrymassie7656]

Thank you , this message was well received.

[@PlanetImo]

I do like that bear picture on the wall.

[@staciehulm4595]

As a conservative Christian in a liberal, atheistic world, I have learned when to speak and when not to. It’s the rare occasion when someone wants to have an honest dialogue with mutual respect for differing opinions. I think people feel threatened when they encounter someone with a different point of view because it disrupts our pride and intellectual foundation. Like... “If they’re right, I must be wrong, and that would make me ignorant ... so, No!!! I will not ever be wrong!!! (even if I am...)”. When someone insists upon controlling the conversation or aggressively persuading and controlling someone else’s thought life, it becomes a fallacious exchange. It usually ends in an ad hominem attack and when that happens, no one will get anywhere. For me, I’m open to being wrong. If I’m wrong, I want to be set straight. Why would I want to live my life based on a fallacy? Just for the sake of declaring myself right? Because I approach conversations with this mentality, I find I can talk to all kinds of people. I studied Theology in a militantly atheistic University. As much as many of the counter arguments (philosophical and otherwise) that I heard were interesting, none of them were ultimately convincing and it made my Christian faith stronger, not weaker. I think that if someone is threatened or becomes angry at my worldview as a Conservative Christian, that says more about their insecurity than it says about my position.

[@DrLesCarter]

What you say makes so much sense, Stacie. Dr. C

[@marcellamiller7808]

Agreed

[@everglade345]

I accept others' world views, too. As an atheist I don't ever talk about my ideas with religious people and I don't push my ideas - political, religious, whatever, onto other people. But when some people try to push their religion on me, I find it disrespectful and annoying, and I tell them I'm an atheist and I'm not willing to discuss this further. If they still don't stop, then I will walk away. It's not worth having people like that in one's life.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Thank you so much.❤

[@teddywave2174]

awesome!!!

[@anahveronica9796]

I'm learning and unlearning so much because of your channel ❤️ Thank you!

[@DrLesCarter]

So pleased! Dr. C

[@Noelbluesky]

This is so spot on, for a situation in a service group I am in. There is this one man who is exactly like this.

[@tabathadavis2917]

Great video. It was very helpful. Thank you.

[@kevina4140]

OMG I needed to hear this! Thank you✅

[@KiaOra-wu7gb]

Thank you very helpful

[@3kadamba3]

Hello, Dr. Les Carter, Thank you for making all these videos to help us out. Your efforts are greatly appreciated by everyone in this community, at that's true from my perspective. ❤️

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks, Cynthia. Dr. C

[@dianelamorticella6053]

Thank you Dr Les Carter, I have seen this. Once I see it, I can never UNsee it. This is very helpful! Please take good care of yourself and stay safe!!! I am sending you love from NJ!

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks so much, Diane, and love received with gratitude. Dr. C

[@69LOLIN]

For me, controles act with this Statement on mind….”My way or no way!”

[@francesbernard2445]

I like this. So true that about the controlling person on how they think. -"I can't trust you unless 'I AM' fully in control of whatever you do so I can do anything I want in the same space - in contrast with you". [Actually we can take that word trust and drop it altogether while wondering what all else could have been inserted into that sentence instead] In other words the controlling narcissist while wearing a mask while believing they are in control is instead by not trusting is without realizing it making it everyone else's responsibility isntead about when they are going to finally get to be dropping their mask and only an act which is hard on the lining of every single blood vessel in their own body. For example an insecure controlling person using KZbin platform while spending lots of time making sure that everyone for their whole life is going to be believing that they are not only far more well organized than most according to them they are way better at driving and fighting during a surprise attack than you too. While often believing that they can afford to cross your personal boundaries online on KZbin without getting your permission first to do so. Like when say for example when the video you are watching was not marked live video while at the same they are doing welfare check. Or demanding entry into your home instead with a warrant to search your place next too. All while every single one of their colleagues the rest of the time will be often getting manipulative or will get upset at you too if for example you were daring to show up there on the same KZbin channel only to comment under the KZbin channel too along with everyone else without first you being pre-approved in the actual building where the person with the KZbin channel too.

[@DrPatrickKingsep]

People who try to control others can do so for a variety of reasons. However there is always help out there if you feel you are being controlled by someone else

[@notgivingthisout6977]

This video provides a lens that I find really helpful, Dr. Carter. It also offers important nuances in relation to messages they send. Had I, when I was in the midst of the situation, had that piece of recognition that the over controlling is a manifestation of ineptitude (or fear of it)/deep insecurity, I'd have been so much better positioned to navigate it. It helps me process, even in hindsight, which I am so very grateful for. You say you hope the videos provide good food for thought, so what's below is in response to that. :) Because I dealt with a covert/vulnerable, the subtlety of the manipulations even still don't seem obvious sometimes. The superiority, for example, wasn't conveyed in the overbearing sense (or not initially, perhaps), but in presumptive, insidious ways. When this person would say (and this was a recurring thing), "I think it's best if we . . . " there was a whole ton of unspoken stuff that went with that. If he uttered those words, compliance was expected. It was beneath discussion that if he thought it was best, that was the final commentary. If I dared differ (or even asked a question), he was done. Stonewalling/the silent treatment, or a kind of barely contained contempt would be all I'd get. The unspoken message was "if you don't agree with me and my infinite wisdom, I don't want to talk anymore." But, of course, he'd deny that was his intent. He's say something like "I can only offer my opinion, and if you don't want it, I can't offer anything more." In this way, he'd force it into being an all or nothing issue rather than understand I was seeking to find common ground or compromise, or even an understanding that might incline me to see his perspective better. (And, his opinion invariably was critical, was more representative of projecting than evaluating, and often fell under the form of backhanded belittling, in any case.) And then he'd tell me I wasn't "open" or "didn't take input"! His version of "being open" or "taking input" was complete subjugation, but categorically refused to see, and got supremely defensive about, that being what he was giving off. In the course of trying to find understanding, I'd be in this position of saying "here's what your actions are saying, is that what you mean?" (because the volume of mind-reading I was expected to do was nearly incomprehensible, especially in light of the wildly mixed messages he sent), and then, I'd be pummeled for being that "mirror" so to speak. (Earlier on, he'd be vague, and I'd bumble along trying to make sense of it, but that was a trap - and I always ended up falling into it, not realizing that was his goal, so then modified my responses to gain clarity, and that also irked him, or was, in his eyes, worse.) Now I realize that any response other than total compliance was going to be wrong. Asking questions, even for clarity or improved understanding, was offensive. (As his mentee/student, my ability to learn and gain knowledge hinged on communication and a shared grasp, and so there was real impetus for me to find some form of common ground, but that was never attainable.) And, I suspect, part of what made me the "enemy" or threatening was that I was onto the incongruity of the image and the actions. I wasn't even looking for that (and wasn't aware of all that suggested at the time), I just was tired, confused, frustrated, and trying to better coordinate - and above all, learn. In typical narc fashion, I think he wanted the narrative to be that he shepherded me to success (because he liked the image of himself as a "teacher," and he likely got a boost from association with his successful students/mentees), but would never give me the tools to be unreliant on him for information. He kept me close by purposefully withholding the information and knowledge that would allow me to be independent or autonomous, and then bashed me for being dependent upon him for the information he'd withheld. To say it was frustrating and confusing would be a massive understatement. A straight answer about anything was asking for the universe, and he'd get testy when I pressed for it. In my 55 years, I've encountered a lot of varying people from all over the world, from virtually every walk of life, and plenty of them not nice, or narcissistic or difficult in other ways - and managed those interactions successfully - but never had I encountered someone who made me feel like I was the world's largest inconvenience merely because I was me, and wanted to learn and anticipated cooperation (least of all someone who purported to be a teacher or claimed to value the core elements of a mentor). I'll be years unpacking it all, I think. But, that's okay, because at least now I have the space and clarity to see it objectively - which he made impossible in the midst. I'm out of the frenzy and the circular thinking/hamster wheel, blissfully. Thank you so much for creating this space of not just learning and empowerment, but of healing. Thank you for being a true teacher.

[@divinetime6115]

These individuals will not change the law needs to

[@harleyquinn5774]

Narcissist Hunting Season sounds good. 👌🏻

[@bonnies.d.1121]

I really like this guy. He seems very kindly and exhibits a wide-ranging intelligence, but I just don't think that appealing to rationality changes people. I'm following processes in a book by Ingeborg Bosch called "Past Reality Integration" that simulates healing at the neurological level with a combination of cognitive, behavioral, and emotional exercises. It's a several month's project to learn the concepts and processes, but it is life changing.

[@ukchris64]

I never thought of myself as controlling before, mainly because I can barely control myself, situation I am in right now is that I introduced someone to a good freain, this someI though of as a good freind, lived in his house, but nothing seemed good enough, so when I found out this one person did a 'moonlight flit. ' I was at first flabbergashed he had done this, this then turned out and out anger, a personal affront to me introducing him to a freind in good faith. Now I am so angry in almost an irrational way and this could spiral out of control into either violence or worse. At best I admit that I cannot form relationships

[@SusieAspen]

Ugh...my 18 years younger half sister--you just described her.

[@robertcalamusso4218]

My dog died when I was in high school. I’ve never recovered