The "No Guarantees" Approach to Assertiveness

Suppose you are textbook perfect in being assertive but the other person seems unimpressed. Does that mean your effort didn't work? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains how assertiveness is mostly for your benefit, so even if there is no guarantee that others will adjust to your liking, you can still successfully manage your efforts at self preservation.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby...
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Video workshops by Dr. Carter about narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com...
While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group who can assist you: betterhelp.com...
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[@deannemiller891]

Ask yourself if you are making sense or being reasonable. I didn’t realize how much my self trust had been undermined until a few months ago when I saw a video about it. I suddenly realized that I didn’t need a controlling person to question whether I made sense anymore. I was always doubting myself. I gave myself permission to trust myself. Suddenly, I felt empowered and free. I no longer end my exclamations with, “do you know what I mean?“ I no longer end my text messages with, “did that make sense?“ Now I can trust that I making sense. I know I’m making sense. And if the other person is being unreasonable, I trust my judgment about that too. Thanks for another super helpful video!

[@KS-yf9nq]

Love your point about “don’t give a sales pitch”.

[@Arya-cf7vu]

You are so gonna pay for standing up to me !! Oh I know that one! Thank you Dr Carter, very useful learnings I will use.

[@grayrockaroundtheclock9937]

This is really true. Being assertive in this way will show you pretty fast if you are dealing with a selfish person.

[@beachtraveller2154]

Love this man for sharing his message, LIFESAVER🙏🏻

[@69LOLIN]

If "Others don't have it" , don't take it personally. 😊 Assertiveness is not to control the others! Thxs again Les! 💕

[@The_Green_Queen]

Illustrate your resolve behaviorally. Yes yes yes! That is a beautiful life motto.

[@sherrim4067]

the statement "Clean and proper way". That's my new refrigerator magnet. Thanks for that nugget of truth Dr. Carter.

[@sarafox5792]

clean anger, that's a good one too.

[@odette8905]

Thank you Dr C. Coming out of a 20yr relationship with a covert narcissist this reminds me that I just need to be me and keep my head high, despite the narc rages and scapegoating that goes on regardless.

[@417Dobro]

I was patient, clear and concise - the first 100 times I tried to establish my boundaries. She would shut-down, then the next day was a brand new day as though yesterday's proper way had NEVER occurred.

[@TM-hl9me]

Yes I find value in these videos - unique and directional and peace-giving. Thank you Dr. Carter

[@louise2091]

I needed to hear this! Thankyou...I still get lost and confused in encounters like this. So hard to stay grounded.

[@GaveMeGrace1]

Thank you for helping me check my reality on the meaning of assertiveness. I assert on myself, not others.

[@Star_Light_4]

Dr Carter I gave him your book and now when I am being assertive the moment my voice changes one bit he uses it as the weapon and completely disregards me because I have become “angry”. It is now his cover to ignore the entire topic I brought up. Your book allowed him to perfect his defensiveness! He must be a serious case.

[@heatherwhittaker6169]

Thank you again....it feels good to know you have our backs...it's rough out there...

[@christyr5649]

Dr Carter thank you for all of your free videos and training and wisdom. You have become a daily and weekly resource for me in my struggle to deal with my narcissist husband and to reestablish my own self-esteem and to learn more about boundaries and assertiveness. I love your no nonsense manner and your positive and calm approach to all the emotions that can really destroy oneself if you don't know how to handle them. Please keep up the good work as I am sure you realize there are many people who rely on you!

[@sherrim4067]

I often ask myself " would I ask someone, what the narc is asking of me" if the answer is no, then his demand is unreasonable.

[@She_McGee]

the old golden rule!

[@sunbeagle9769]

Sherri M ............Good post. Most narc's IMHO, will start their conversations with the pronoun YOU. You are this, you are doing this to me, you need to do this, you don't respect me, you didn't ask me first. So many times we deal with somebody's projection of their own insecurity or their lack of conscientiousness. They try to place their internal weakness onto you, so that you can carry their burden of insecurity for them, by identifying with it and allowing IT to become YOU. I find many times there is no reasonable ground at all.

[@sherrim4067]

@@sunbeagle9769 Sun, your text was terrific. That's so true. When I went back and looked at my journals and I wrote direct quotes after a fight or a disagreement, i heard alot of statements " you did, you didn't or you don't care about xyz. .. " mostly directly at me. I guess if you are told long enough you are a problem, you begin to think yes, it's me I'm the problem. Before I got wise to it, I felt as tall as a bug's butt. My feelings took a real beating. Not so much anymore. I got stronger, and smarter.

[@sunbeagle9769]

@@sherrim4067 Tall as a bugs butt if you are lucky! It is a beating and there are no outward bruises for people to see. Keep on with the journaling, I was able to come up with childhood memories and the oppressive premise of it all. Childhood and your parents programming, and or FOO, set you up for this dysfunctional shit! I must add kudos to Dr. Les, he is a great soul.

[@darlenerego70]

Thank you Sherri, I needed to read what you said.

[@vitalule8889]

You are the most bright person I ever heard teaching to live happily ever after

[@Limlani]

May God bless you Dr Les Carter!

[@lightoflife7795]

Oh. I'm only 2 minutes in and already you're describing my last interactions with my soon to be narc ex husband.

[@patstanley7212]

I am the boss of one employ. We have become very close friends. The last few months she has decided to do her own thing and when I have tried to express my standards she has responded, “your the boss” and then pouted. Assertiveness is very hard for me. After listening to this I am going to try to do the right thing for the right reason. Thank you for your insight.

[@randomarioful]

"does this happen to you?" - YES! All of the above.

[@417Dobro]

EXPENDABLE EXTRA - simply a player on their stage. Amen.

[@notaclue822]

Some people try hard to be mature and some don't...that is a frustrating truth. Excellent video.

[@Kiwiwanderer]

Doc Carter I didn’t realise you and Mrs Carter came to NZ and overheard my mother and I arguing.....you have nailed our MO. As we all head into Christmas and Christmas family gatherings...everyone needs this video. This is the best description of healthy assertiveness. I need the transcript of this video. This is my favourite. I am going to remain true to me - Thank you 🙏😊

[@DrLesCarter]

Yeah, that was me standing outside your window. Dr. C

[@Kiwiwanderer]

Dr. Les Carter haha!

[@comfortcreekranch4948]

When I explained that I would NO LONGER put up with his ANGER FITS, all it did was alert him to I was FINISHED with his nonsense, and he began getting his ducks in a row, hiding money, and planning his evil schemes. I should have never drawn that line until I was completely ready to go COMPLETELY NO CONTACT, live and learn, only thing, I am still paying for his wicked ways and MAYBE I wouldn't have been injured trying to get away from him. Dangerous people, my life will NEVER be the same. I hope someone still living with this type man/woman will learn from MY MISTAKE. God Bless You for doing these videos I wish I would have known about this sooner I had just never known anyone like this before Maybe you could do a video on "How to Leave them, Safely". God Bless You!

[@stellaercolani3810]

Doctor...you Rock. Thank you for making my day clearer.

[@debsabatino311]

I love this. It is helping more than you know. You opened my eyes to so much. I am a new person (better :) now! Thank you.

[@DrLesCarter]

That's the point! So glad you're on board! Dr. C

[@loribuonamici1398]

You GO Deb!!! Warmest regards!!!

[@shantareid2770]

This is on point for me ...my anger is directed at a ghost so to speak. I see why there is so much online about moving on from emotional abuse...the breakdown heightens your sensitivities and in my case there is and never had bn a person to go bk and forth with and the emotion has to be expressed. Emotional abuse today is very high tech, you can be "played" royally and there is no one to lash out at for this reason. I also see why some give up and gv in...I cannot. The truest part of who I am will not allow any form of surrender except for one. I must surrender to the fact that I cannot control what has happened. In spite of how awful, how unfair, etc., I will NEVER be able to control or change what has happened. I am somewhat okay w not being able to express to the (person) because I do not hv a desire to be in the company of what I can only refer to as evil. My challenge is accepting the inability to control what has happened. Part of my healing, not sure abt others , is to kp in mind what Pastor B. said in a video,..."this is abt strangling my future. " Well, I cannot control this individual I can only work harder at controlling myself. This is where a closer walk with God comes in, as well as compassion for self, and faith that there is a point to all of this. So thankful for your videos which I need to watch more often. I greatly appreciate how you can empathize...you understand and you present in a certain way that is everthing you talk abt, with openness, conscientiousness, rtc. (whatever OCEAN is...) ...lol...Thank you, I am in this all of the way. Moving forward and re-building will hv its challenges but no one gets to tell me when to give up on ME. By the way, a few days ago I made a chart that I am using to monitor my responses to any triggers. I am learning more about those as well. What a cruel, inhumane process. Thanks Dr. Les, God bless and I will nt apologize for the ramble ...I know that you get it.

[@DrLesCarter]

Glad to know you are in it all the way and that I get to be on your journey with you! Dr. C

[@OceanSound100]

I am still trying to grow. It took me a long time to be an assertive person and it still feels somewhat uncomfortable. Here is one>>> A few days ago the maintenance man for my apartment was scheduled to do four things here. The appointment was for 10AM but he arrived at 12:30 with no phone call. This was alright with me as I was just happy he arrived. He came in and worked on two of the four things that needed to be done. He proceeded to leave and said "I will come back tomorrow and do the rest " That did it! -LOL I said " You did not even ask me if I am available tomorrow " "I can not be here and if you want to come back you have to make an appointment" He stared at me like WTF Haha!!

[@DrLesCarter]

The p-a is oblivious to the ways they affect others, or to put it another way, they have very little empathy with a high (often hidden) need for control. Hallmark traits of narcissism. Hey OceanSound100 you're catching on! Dr. C

[@maryb.7888]

Thank you very much! This video made a big impact on me as I start to repeat myself which annoys the other party. I’m going to follow your advice. I’m also trying really hard to control my tone of voice and be less emotional. I do have your anger book and I’ll look in that for help. I need help with controlling my tone of voice. Update! I did it!! I listened to chapter 12 in your anger book and I walked your talk. I kept my voice steady and even! He started to yell and i asked him why. I was actively listening and so there could be no excuse for his yelling. Finally he left the room. I’ll sleep well tonight. THANK YOU for helping me to help myself.

[@kellymyerson7904]

Thank you I really appreciate all the information it's helping me to deal with my 21-year-old daughter who's been spoiled rotten all her life!!! lost her dad at 10 yrs. so I've always felt like I had to make up for him being gone I think I created a monster

[@decoy2636]

Dr. C. Thanks for being a positive influence in my life and that of other's seeking to be better people.

[@pamela5050]

Excellent, Dr. C.

[@yourerightileft6764]

Thank you, Doctor Carter, for breaking it down to a codependent.

[@MargaretWalkerCellist]

At 74 I am just now realizing that I don't HAVE TIME for people that suck the energy out of me and have no energy to give to me, by their behaviors. I just set a clear standard for those people, and if they don't want to come UP to those standards, but continue to suck the energy out of me, making no needed changes, which are to the good of themselves and me, I'm done with them. At my age, I only have so much energy and time, and I put them OUT of my life. Thankfully they are not IN my Family. Note: I had more energy for these people a decade ago. But I've grown out of it since then.

[@paulaflowing6124]

You are Amazing Doctor Les.

[@rachelfranks4450]

I just love this man…..you have helped me more than I can describe. Thank YOU Dr. C!!! ❣️🙏

[@DrLesCarter]

So pleased, Rachel. Thanks for the good vibes. Dr. C

[@Le60o]

My new mantra ‘ I will remain true to me’ thank you Dr.C ✨

[@TM-hl9me]

Love the phrase "do life". It's so on the dot!

[@michelecraig9658]

This was a very good video. I appreciate your sharing. I think I have been in the mindset that being assertive and communicating clear boundaries should work. But you are right, that ultimately it is about integrity. This gives me the courage to do this.

[@janetstonerook4552]

When I was frustrated dealing with the narcissists. In my extended family, I had nightmares about being stranded in a foreign country where nobody spoke my language and I couldn't get help finding my way back to the airport, lost my passport and documents and was stranded and alone etc. Listening to Dr. Carter just now, I just realized that is what my nightmare was telling me. Dealing on a daily basis with a family of narcissists was like being stranded in a foreign hostile country where nobody spoke my language nor cared about what happened to me!!

[@lesleyriseam1282]

Mrs Discobolous I have just had a Eureka moment . I live in UK but worked with someone as the childrens English tutor with 4 French speaking children . I now realise that the childrens Mum aged 39 was a malignant narcissist. I arrived having collected the children from school . Mum went into a full on narcissist rage as I had not collected 2 other children . The house was a 5 story Chateau and as we were in the hallway all of the other 8 staff could hear this violent verbal attack. I stood to to toe with her and as she wound down her parting shot was I should have known without her telling me !!!!!.we always collect them on Tues day. With absolute comic timing I simply said . But Boss today is Monday . All her rage subsided like a punctured balloon. She turned and stormed away . I went to collect the children still at school.when I returned no apology she went on like nothing had happened . I don't know how I controlled myself to not laugh in har face . But l realised it probably was not a good idea. I had never in my life seen an adult pull such a volcanic rage . But having seen toddlers loose it. I recognised it for what it was a total loss of control. It turned out she was 100% at fault for my not collecting the children she had forgotten to tell me to switch the day from Tues to Monday . It still makes me laugh to this day .It illustrates perfectly the point that narcissist injury can come out of nowhere with a malignant narcissist who is motivated by how things look to others externally. She was mortified people would know I had left these children in School . It never occurred to her that she didn't tell me . It was always my fault . Others who worked there regularly got unjust roastings. And all the other staff and Dad wanted to know what it was all about not least as my screaming fit had been in English not French . Until your helpful post allowed me to understand . I am a cool Brit who comes from the North of England ..we just don't behave like that in my family this happened in 1992 and I have only just understood it . I worked with her 5 1/ 2 years . She regularly scapegoated a 6 year old who fortunately was so well balanced that she just accepted Mum did this to her .But with maturity beyond her years said . I try not to cry and go find an adult who is kind .ie most of the staff. This did however become my role from then on . Hopefully preventing this child being damaged by this harshness as Mum had been . I studied child Psychology and counselling but never had such clarity as now as Personality disorders are rarely diagnosed in the UK. Hope this helps as it's a great example of the totally vulnerability of the 39 year old toddler . Thanks for your help. Narcissistic people were an occupational hazard in my job .I felt the need to share my new found perspective . Thanks .

[@sadhanarane4796]

Dr your are my walkie talkie guide🙏

[@CarverEngraver]

Thank you appreciate your help

[@rgbsax]

I lose it when I talk with passive-aggressive people. For example, my sister in-law was upset when I visited for the holiday. Instead of talking to me directly when I "upset" her, she texted the after I left. Used the phrase "I don't know what your parents taught you..." followed by "This isn't a fight..."

[@carefulcarpenter]

Thank you Les! Very appreciated. 🐡

[@OceanSound100]

Hello! Is Carpenter the work you do or is that your last name? I always say if I ever get married, he will walk down the aisle with a toolbox in hand ready to renovate;)

[@carefulcarpenter]

@@OceanSound100 carefulcarpenter is a duo-purpose name. In about 1998 I began using the name as I handed out my cards door to door. I thought it was a good name for a handyman. Fine designer/craftsmen would be puzzling to high-end customers, but a handyman is common to the neighborhoods that I would best serve. I am one of those that contractors say don't exist. 😁 Then I began my spiritual journey as a writer/poet. Two paths--- one humble man. Interesting coincidences began to happen on a regular basis around 2000. I now consider them "meaningful coincidences". So did many of my customers. "You are NOT a handyman!" "I am your handyman for as long as you need me." 😁

[@OceanSound100]

@@carefulcarpenter That's interesting! I am amazed by people that can build new additions to their homes and all that sort of stuff. I am a writer too but never published anything yet. Good evening from New Jersey hopefully Florida next year:)

[@carefulcarpenter]

@@OceanSound100 "You read my mind!" I heard that from about 2 dozen customers. I have a few videos (29) --- made with a low tech camera when I had a computer. Silicon Valley was not big on my standards. *Steve Jobs never called; I must think too different!* 🦄🌿🐡 "carefulcarpenter Santa Cruz--- the handyman and the king." It is less than 5 minutes long. You will like the video story and the accompanying music by a local somgwriter/friend. Good luck with your dream--- it will come true if you stick with it long enough!

[@OceanSound100]

@@carefulcarpenter Going to take a look at that. Thanks! Hope you enjoy your weekend!

[@heatherhamilton6309]

So glad to have found this community! This content provides realistic approaches that support calm and effective communication. After years of so-so therapy, it is helpful to be reminded of my own sanity. Thank you!

[@LilyfromUruguay]

I wish I could remember & apply each & everyone of your suggestions, when the times come! Greetings from Uruguay, Dr. Carter.

[@robertbryannall2580]

I have not demonstrated maturity. I went off to my narcissists like a wounded child, being that my family members are my supposed adversaries. I have disconnected and have apologised for my outbursts, but have concluded that there'll be no more anything from me. It hurts me, but I will carry on with my life regardless. Thank you Dr. Carter. You've made a difference. Bless you good man.

[@DrLesCarter]

The hardest task is to not let the narcissist establish your pace! It's not an overnight process! Dr. C

[@robertbryannall2580]

I'm endeavoring on a task that is monumental in the area that I live in. I'm going to make a huge difference in my community, despite the doubt seeds that were planted by my doubters. Thank you Dr. Carter. I may even go Nation wide. We'll see.😊 .

[@gesundheitfuerempathen]

Thank you Dr. Carter. Looks like, this is the last peace of hope to let go of. While listening and imagining to let go of all hope and effort to make relationship work, there was sadness and I could feel this old longing inside of me, to PLEASE be loved by someone, who is emotional unavailable. This was my life story which I guess I have to accept now. It was causing so much damage in my life and my children's life. Time to feel the sadness and make peace with life... 🙏

[@MAAYANKEDEM]

Dr. Carter, what would I do without you, That sounds strange right? But really, your impact on my life is enormous and I'm sure it's true for many of your viewers. That's exactly my problem, I let people control me, tell me bad things .. And I keep my anger until it explodes .. When I try to talk rationally it does not work for me .. because I have already kept the anger for a long time and then it just bursts .. .. I shout and walk away and cry .. I can not say things right. I start stammering and talking nonsense ... as if something in me is not able to release things logically. I hope very much that I will be able to change this. In Judaism, most rabbis argue that anger is something that can not be changed. Which can not be treated. I very much hope that I will be able to get the anger out of me in a healthy way and to manage relationships - even if there is a problem - to solve it properly.

[@pearlyq3560]

Anger is a secondary emotion -- it is masking pain. Get to the pain that lies underneath. Sounds like you've got some grief work.

[@carrolannethompson3947]

@@pearlyq3560 Fear may result in anger as coping with the undesired emotion ? Kinda like a response shift ? Sad all the same.

[@VeniaVenia1]

Bless you. I am the same . I think its a good start to identify our feelings and then work on how to communicate them right and then in an assertive way. I know,scary right ? ☘

[@MAAYANKEDEM]

@@VeniaVenia1 yes.. thank you, god bless you too!!

[@denisemangan1413]

Thank you Dr Carter To thine own self be true

[@luciem5372]

Much value yes! For myself and others. I work on being true to myself in the things I say and do. Many thanks

[@seckhoffable]

This was a good one. I got involved with a Narc control freak and I thought that asserting my own space and objectives would necessarily involve me pushing back a lot. Flipping out sometimes, in fact. These are situations where any sane person would flip out, but never mind. I think Dr. Les is saying, hold the line. Don't give up your own principles, but don't expect anybody to sign on to them. Just be cool. It doesn't look so interesting when I write it down like this, but it makes more sense to me than it did before. Maybe I can do less nutty stuff now.

[@DrLesCarter]

You're onto the concept! Dr. C

[@lnghrnfn]

I use that common phrase "Let's agree to disagree!" I learned this pretty late in life but it never fails to work. The key is to say it nicely, calmly, with a smile, & look directly into their eyes. Then I usually change the subject or say something like "How 'bout those (insert sports team name)???" LOL

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Thank you, thank you!!! It is such a relief when we realize we do not have to live the way others expect. Such joy returns when we operate with Christ as our head rather than people. Also, in my own personal experience those who see that I am not giving into becoming like them, they tend to slink away and leave me alone. I have yet to see anyone appreciate that I didn't become like them, LOL!!!! God has removed the controlling people and replaced them with kind and loving people who think more like Christ than they do the world. What a blessing all of it has been, to be in the midst of the mess, coming out and continuing on in new growth. I wouldn't go back and change a thing because all of it taught me so much. Its all valuable !

[@yolandaaranda653]

Thank you Dr. Carter, this is very helpful. After many years of putting up with a Childhood friendship, I could never understand The "why"? I put up with it. Until I realized for all these years I was involved with a Narcissistic person. You posted this on my birthday! Thank you for this particular gift! Once I realized that what I was a part of, a toxic relationship. I released the friendship as a healthy mature person. They came back at me with a vengeance! Calling all my friends, using information to try and judge and hurt me. I get it NOW! I no longer want to engage/ attract this type of being. Also, divorced N husband two years ago. I'm changing for the better!!

[@DrLesCarter]

Happy birthday, and I'm pleased to be on the road with you! Dr. C

[@debrahelgeson6677]

Thank you! Wonderful video. It’s hard to stay true to yourself, it’s a daily struggle. I’m strong, believe in myself. Day by day.

[@cuttingedge3344]

This video is one of The most significant and deep of all you made. That is my humble opinion. The bravery and hardness are rare in the hollywood agenda we live with. Demons control more and more "progressive" and "nice" politically correct narcissists.

[@angealclarke7110]

My mother,always said yoyr quote. Be true to yoyr self x

[@incitinginsights5306]

Oh, if I could go back in time and take one bit of wisdom with me it would be this very video!!! I'm looking at the date and you'd actually posted it in time (a month before I "took things personally" and responded when I wish I'd just silently tapped out. You're brilliant! Thank you for all the work you do and for being a true lifesaver.

[@sereene_care646]

Thank you so much Dr. Les Carter for your help in shedding light and sharing valuable knowledge that helps me a lot in understanding my situation of having been surrounded by negative, narcissistic people since childhood. Now, i am not so confused anymore and i know now how to deal with them because of what i have learned from listening to your videos. I may not see you personally to say how much grateful i am for your sincere efforts in helping individuals like me. A wholehearted thank you Dr. Les Carter. I all love your videos.

[@DrLesCarter]

Received with gratitude! Dr. C

[@Vezmus1337]

Hold your ground, but don't hold your breath!

[@nobodyl4319]

thank you!

[@angealclarke7110]

Watching this videi has given me the answer to my question,I asked you on your last video. Youve now given me the tools to use in a more pissitive way to approch peoples views and answers. That may occur in conversation,with these toxic people x

[@jc8258]

"Decorum." Thanks for the vocabulary word:).

[@angelacret]

That is a good perspective Dr. Carter. Thank you !

[@AURADRCalifornia]

@DrLesCarter Thank you so much for posting eleven minutes of insight into myself. It is Truth. It was as if you spoke to me. This will be on my playlist on my YT channel. Thank you. Peace-out 🌎 💞 Auradr California

[@TL-ch1xd]

Thank you! What you share is very much appreciated. Always great insights and help. 🌜🌲🌳✨👋😊👍✨🎃✨🌲🌍 Continuing my ever ongoing work on being and staying a healthy and balanced person - towards myself and others. Once again thank you.

[@indira5601]

Thank you Dr Les, I like your video's a lot :D It's really spot on every time. It's an art to stay true to yourself, especially when you've been taught your whole life to care about everyones opinions en needs except for your own. It's a struggle but it can be learned and to be assertive in the right way is the most fulfilling. Greetings from Holland!

[@paulbarrett635]

Great video. The no guarantees assertiveness is a great thought to keep in your mind. After all its ourselves we can control, no one else. It's our growth that we can nurture and control. This video is helpful, and is part of a plan of many strategies and communication and self care techniques that we all need to learn. At all times we must remember who we are and what we stand for.

[@keariewashburn4680]

Thank you Dr Carter❤

[@isabellaholden8693]

Thank you. Your videos are outstanding.

[@christophertaylor3150]

I had an opportunity to try to be assertive with the administration of my daughter´s school this morning. I did not do a good job with my tone. I am really unhappy with the way I handled the sitation all around. I allowed myself to be the spokesperson for a situation that several people agreed with but were unwilling to back me in the moment I spoke up about it when I very easily could have just kept my daughter out of harms way without trying to lobby for systemic change. I feel more anger for myself than the poor way that I was received by the school administrator even though I feel very strongly that my point is valid.

[@marileegrier8483]

As a teacher, I once had a meeting with an angry father. His daughter had told me he wasn't in the picture so I left him out of a parent meeting. He was angry and came in and chewed me out, big time. I apologized and explained. He later came in and shook my hand and apologized. We had a good relationship through the years with his other children in my class. His apology meant the world to me.

[@coralday2009]

Be gentle with yourself. Breathe. Decide on the next good step.

[@kw8768]

Thanks for this. I experience these situations with certain family members and others. Great advice.

[@karenlouisewagner4427]

Thank you for the video! Very helpful information!

[@angelashock9837]

Someone once told me they were sorry I felt they were not courteous. I responded me too, meaning I was sorry to feel that way. I tried to make them see that just because I FELT that way, didn’t make it so. I understand now my response was a knee jerk reaction (the N in OCEAN), but his reaction to this was he didn’,t appreciate name calling. I still haven’t figured out how that conversation went awry....

[@LiveFree123]

Once again a video full of wisdom. This was very helpful. Thank you

[@pearlyq3560]

Very useful, thank you Dr. Carter.

[@405OKCShiningOn]

its been really tough but actively listening

[@sandrameander69]

Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Carter. I’m going to have to rewatch this video several times, because some people just have a way of getting under my skin and throwing me into a state of upset confusion, even when I feel I’m trying hard.

[@melodysledgister2468]

@sandrameander: Remember that your assertiveness is to help you, not the narcissist. They are already too assertive! If your assertiveness helps them, it is because by not playing by their rules, you might inadvertently prevent them from getting their way this time. But then they will reassess and come back as full of themselves as ever. They may even become more covert in their tactics next time. Assertiveness will not cure a narcissist. It will only make you harder for them to control.

[@cuttingedge3344]

I definitely find value in your videos, Dr. Carter! Thank you for the wisdom and confidence! Your words help fighting my cowardice. Humility is not about being doormat. It needs to be brave to be humble.

[@clairelewis3367]

Thank you. Your videos are incredibly helpful.

[@kathrynscott7303]

That was excellent. Saved it to watch again.

[@pamcarter6595]

You nailed another good one...thank you for time on posting these great help videos...❤

[@Revelation18-4]

Anger is one letter away from Danger.

[@DrLesCarter]

Well stated. Dr. C

[@angealclarke7110]

Thank you so much for helping me to aknolegde my inner strengths and wisdom and most of all my maturity. And excepting every indevidual is on a different level x

[@karenpresley7101]

Thank you Dr. C. 😊

[@Rosakru]

Well thought out and presented advice. Thank you for sharing. Equally appreciated was your sincere conclusion. 🙏

[@VivBeyer1111]

This was so helpful. :)

[@valerierobertson1611]

Brilliant! Highly valuable.

[@denisemangan1413]

I met a narcissist who overstepped a boundary as a border. She was looked at in a negative light to which she stated “I didn’t think it through’ I could see the cogs turning. For her she would do it again but not put her in a negative position.

[@kimlock9440]

Hello Doc Carter, I even liked the title of this and answered my questions without expectation. Thank you 💞

[@joannebutzerin6448]

Great insight there, Dr. Carter. Seems like a universally winning approach that I can use that advice in almost any situation. Thank you!

[@upstatenewyork]

🙏 so helpful

[@lottiemartin22]

I love the way you phrase this, I have certain veiws that I like to follow up with, I have noticed that people often seem to , over my life time change their opinions to fit the current mood of what is popular, they often then insist this has always been " their " opinion, but then change it frequently or with someone they like a lot says different. It's very confusing and a bit disturbing, for different reasons. I like your ideas for how to be an intervidual thinking person and quietly and patiently and politely carry on working on the ideas I have worked up to through my lifetime, thanks for the pep talk , peace and love to all the world

[@NatureGirl1932]

Thank you! 🙏🏻✨

[@SteveWrightNZ]

Gee thanks doc. One of those vids to watch and watch again.

[@illbeback126]

Looking forward to that. I was going to ask just that same thing. What if the other person doesn't want to be collegial.

[@DrLesCarter]

Stay tuned! I specifically decided to follow up with this video. Dr. C